The Guy’s Perspective

Tuesday, June 30.

The last day of June is here.Finally!

In our minds, summer officially starts this coming weekend. Something about the 4rth of July helps us shift into summer mode. That's why this Friday we'll be sharing our "Ode to Summer" with you.

But for now, here's the next question and answer.

Dear Guys,
I've been divorced for about a year now and I'm ready to get back on the scene. Well in fact, I joined an online dating service as you know, so I'm definitely ready. But I'm nervous about entering the dating scene again after 10 yrs. of marriage. What should I expect? Are guys going to be open to becoming involved with a women who's divorced with three children living at home?

Lisa, Illinois

Dear Lisa,

Contrary to public belief, not all guys are kid shy. And
it’s not like you have 8 kids!(Reference to recent reality show debacle) But
we’d by lying to you if we said your situation wasn’t a bit more complicated.
It is. Relationships are difficult enough with just two people. Add three more
people into the mix and now you’re trying to juggle five people’s needs instead
of two.

However, that certainly doesn’t mean you won’t meet a guy that you like a lot.
It just means you might have to look harder. Not every man will be willing or
open to take on the whole package. Guys who’ve never been married are less
likely to pursue a situation like yours, but we’ve seen it happen. However many
guys will be plenty open to you and your kids, especially if they have kids
themselves. Keep yourself open minded and you might be surprised.

Your Plan: Keep doing what you're doing. The online dating service that you're currently using has connected a lot of people. Also, if your
friends are trying to fix you up, let them. Say yes to everything social. Go out with your friends if they
ask you to. Go to parties even if it’s all couples. Make an effort and it’s
likely you’ll meet someone you didn’t expect at some place you didn’t expect. And of course keep doing the things you love. If it's reading books, maybe you'll meet someone at a book group. Or if it's hiking, join a hiking club. (Hopefully you have a reliable and CHEAP babysitter to help you out.)

We don’t
underestimate how much more juggling you’re going to have to do than someone without kids. And we realize that having three kids will limit your ability to just say yes. But, you’re obviously motivated to get back out there, so keep going for
it. Please check back with us and tell us how things are going. We’ll be happy
to give our opinions on any new situation that may arise.

And by the way: MOMS RULE!

THE GUYS

Monday, June 29, 2009

Welcome to The Guy's Perspective Blog! We're working hard to answer all of your dating and relationship questions. Our Blog is always free for anyone to read. We invite you to make comments if you're moved to do so. However, if you'd like to ask THE GUYS questions, please sign up through our website and go to the Services/Contact page. The link is in the upper right corner of this Blog. We're the one and only guysperspective.com.

So here we go!!

Dear GUYS,

I’ve gone out on four dates with a very nice guy.
He’s so nice that he pays for everything all the time. He won’t even let me
reach for my money. I’m a pretty independent woman, so I’m not used to this. I
will admit that I like it to a certain degree, but it is making me feel a little uncomfortable. Is
he trying to control me?

Monica, NY

Dear Monica,

Have you ever had to ask a friend for a favor, say a ride to
the airport? And afterward you kind of felt like you owed them something in
return? You didn’t feel this way because they made you feel guilty; in fact
they were very happy to give you a ride and enjoyed doing it. However, your
brain made a note to self: treat them to lunch sometime.

So we assume this is how you’re feeling, but even more
intensely. Money has a way of coloring everything, so even a completely
altruistic and generous act can feel manipulative. Since we don’t really know
your nice guy, we assume he’s just really into you. That’s a good thing, right?
He’s probably so enamored with everything about you that he feels the urge to
pay for everything. It’s one way he can show you how much he’s into you.  Don’t worry, it’s likely to mellow when the
chemical flow wears off a bit. But until then, enjoy it.

Is he consistent?  The more you get to know him, the more you’ll see if this is just
an act. If he’s generous with his friends and family, it’s likely he’s
genuinely a nice guy and that’s his normal MO. If he acts very differently with
other people, be ready for the demands to start rolling in. And we know you can
figure out what those might be.

PS If you’re still feeling the urge to balance things out on the money front, why don’t YOU 
plan a fun evening and ask him out. Make it clear to him that he can
only accept if he’s willing to let you pay for the ENTIRE evening. You might
feel like some of your independence is being restored and he probably will
appreciate you even more. (Uh oh, you know where that got you in the first
place!)

THE GUYS

Tuesday: Back on the Scene, three kids later.

We are now linked to Facebook!

See you tomorrow!

THE GUYS

So the weekend is here. What are we up to? You guessed it. We're
going golfing. It's only the second time out this whole year, so we're
very excited. But that means we'll be too busy having fun to respond to any questions this weekend.

And since we've had quite a few questions about golf related topics we thought we'd address one today to help put the game in perspective. Have a fun weekend!

The Guys

Dear GUYS,

What’s up with golf?!! My partner of 6 months plays all the
time. I get the feeling he would rather play golf with his buddies than hang
out with me. Can you enlighten me on the allure of golf?

Molly in Ohio

Dear Molly,

We love golf. It’s a drug: and a nasty one at that. The
minute we finish a round of golf, we start thinking about the next time we can
play. It could be the competitive fire in us that constantly wants to beat our
best score, or even more importantly our best buddy. It could just be soaking
up the sun on a beautiful day. Or it could be that we like to hit stuff. And
since golf balls are pretty easy targets, we like to hit them a lot. There is
no better feeling than to hit a ball square with little effort and see it fly
through the air and land right where we intended. And there’s nothing more frustrating
than hitting dirt and seeing the ball skirt into the water. It’s all of these
things that make the game so addictive. So much so, that we’ll spend lots of
money on the best clubs (like they really matter) and countless hours at the
driving range trying to figure out how to hit something that doesn’t even move.
But most importantly, we just like being out with THE GUYS, talking trash,
laughing and feeling carefree. It’s a wonderful feeling. Sometimes life can get
overwhelming.

This makes no sense, does it?

 Now let’s get to the heart of the matter. Just because we’re
addicted to golf doesn’t mean we act on it all the time. Most of us would skip
a game of golf to go out with a woman we were way into. And sure, over time, as
the intense desire to be in the other person’s company 24/7 fades a bit, we
might try to schedule more playing time. But we don’t think golf should start
invading into more important aspects of life.

 What we’re hoping is that your partner will start scheduling
his golf matches around your time together. Maybe he can play early in the
morning or on some night you’re out with your friends. Or maybe he can have a
regular golf night every week. Having some predictability in a schedule can
often take away anxiety and let everyone breathe a bit easier.

 Final Thought:
We do know a few GOLF WIDOWS. They are not happy campers. If it starts leaning
that way, let him putt on someone else’s green. 

THE GUYS

Come back Monday to find out if a guy can be too generous. Chivalry out of control!

So welcome again to the first dating post from THE GUYS. Since today is a special day, and since we have lots of questions to answer, we've responded to two questions. First we'll hear from Kate and then Carmen. Please feel free to comment if you feel the urge.

Hi Guys,

I had a wonderful time with someone I just met on Match.com.
This was our second date. We went to a party of a friend of mine that was an
hour away. We talked and laughed non-stop in the car together the whole way
there. He seemed comfortable with my friends. He danced and was able to have
fun even though he only knew me, and barely at that. We drove home very late
and had another fun car ride on the way back. Since we don’t live that close to
one another, we both drove to a parking lot halfway between us and I left my
car there. So he drove to the parking lot where my car was parked. We said a
nice goodbye with a very short kiss and hug and we both agreed that we had a
fun time and wanted to see each other again. I was surprised at how much fun I
had. It was close to 2AM and I needed to get up early. So I got out of the car
and before I even got my keys out, he proceeded to smile and wave and drive away! The parking lot was deserted except my car and I was quite nervous.
Needless to say, I was ticked off, hurt and actually quite confused. And to add
to my confusion, he called the next day like nothing happened and left me a
message at how great a time he had. So what should I do? I really like him, but
I’m very upset about the way the evening ended. Please advise.

Kate, Wisconsin.

Kate,

Our first reaction is WOW! What a ride that was. And it was
all going so well. First of all chivalry isn’t dead. Although, your date
certainly has no clue what it means. But beyond that, not seeing you start your
car and drive away is just a lack of respect for another person. We tend to
think that whenever you drop off someone, male or female, you should always
wait until they get in their house, their car, or wave to let you know it’s all
good.

In our minds, no matter how fun he was, how good a time you
had, this act,(and clearly he has no idea, judging from his friendly call the
next day) nullifies all other acts of grace for the entire night. If he is so
unaware about common courtesy upon dropping you off, what else might he be
clueless about? We shudder at the possibilities. We don’t think you’d want to
find out where his lack of education begins and ends.

So we regretfully and respectfully suggest you move on and add this to your
collection of funny, but horrifying stories you can tell your friends over
dinner.

 A Cautionary Note: He’s the kind of guy who thinks
“Spongebob” is a suitable babysitter, while he’s off playing golf with his
buds.

 The Guys

MY FRIEND

To The Guys,

I recently met a guy who I really like. He’s cute, funny and
smart. We’ve been going out for about two months now and we’re having a lot of
fun. However I’m starting to think he might be the jealous type. Here’s the
situation. I have this guy friend who I like to hang out with. We go out to
bars together, or sometimes we’ll catch a show.  I also go over to his house and hang out once a week. We cook
dinner together and watch a few  shows
on TV.  My boyfriend is not comfortable
with my relationship with this other guy. He makes comments about it, although
he tries to mask them by making them funny. I’m beginning to be unsure about
the relationship, so I wanted to get your take on things. Is he too
controlling? Or do I need to make some changes?

Carmen, Rhode Island

Carmen,

First of all, people certainly can have friends of the opposite sex, but it may open up more possibilities for confusion and insecurity. A lot depends on what you want from
the relationship with your boyfriend. If you think he could be around for the
long haul, you might want to consider his viewpoint, and think about making
some changes. If your doubts are already telling you that he’s not the one, you
needn’t make any changes. He’ll decide on his own if he’s willing to cope.

 But let’s back up for a second. We’ll start by asking you a
few questions and creating some scenarios. That might help to sort this all
out.

 Do you have a standing date with your friend? By which we
mean, every Tuesday night do you go over to his house for your regular TV
shows?  If so, your boyfriend has every
right to feel jealous. This tells us you have an emotional connection with this
friend that your boyfriend would like you to have with him. That’s normal for
him to feel that way. It’s normal because it’s a relatively new relationship.
In time, he may be happy you have a friend to hang out with and do some things
he may not be interested in. That way he can go hang out with his friends on
that night, or stay at home and relax.
And yes we understand your friend might be gay. So what?! We’re totally fine with the
fact that he’s gay. But that’s still not an excuse. Yeah, we might not be
worried about you having a physical relationship…..oh hold on…..I guess some of
us would, but we are still intimidated by the closeness you have with this
other guy. Yes, GUYS do care about feelings, but sometimes we have a hard time
admitting it.

 So here’s another question. Does your boyfriend check up on
you to make sure you’re where you say you are? Meaning does he call you while
you’re there to ask you if you’ve seen his bowling pass? If that’s the case,
you have one jealous boyfriend on your hand. It means he doesn’t trust you and
whether it’s valid or not, lack of trust is usually the beginning of the end for
most relationships. So in this case, you might need to start searching for a
new man.

 And here’s our final question. Do you go out on a Friday or
Saturday with this friend instead of your boyfriend? Or do you always ask your
friend to come along with you and your boyfriend to a bar or show? If that’s
the case, you 're likely too emotionally dependent on your friend. Or you're not as into
your boyfriend as you thought.

 So Carmen, what we’re looking for here is balance. If you
truly want this relationship to move forward, the key is to be able to
compromise and communicate. Be aware that the relationship with your boyfriend
is relatively new and that jealousy and uncertainty in a new relationship
happens without good communication. So if you really like your boyfriend, sit
him down and tell him how much you like him, but you don’t like how he’s
reacting to this relationship you have with your friend. Give him more details
about your relationship with your friend. That might clear some things up for
him. And maybe you SHOULD take a look at your relationship with this other guy.
With a new person in your life, you might be able to get some of your emotional
needs met if you open yourself up more to this new person. We do believe you
can have both, but the balance may be off.

 Final Vote: After a heated discussion, some of THE
GUYS took offense to our moderate viewpoint. Remember we like to give a full
and accurate guy’s perspective, so we took a vote on this. 

65% of THE GUYS took a hard stance on this
and said the friend needs to go, or the time with him should be severely
limited. 25% could see both sides. (Our writers) And 10% wished they
had a friend like you. Good luck!

THE GUYS

One of our guys stepped it up and finished our website, so we'll be posting our first dating question, TOMORROW, Thursday, June 25th.

Our first dating question will be posted this coming Monday, June 29th.
Come back and read all about Kate's car ride and what happens when the unthinkable happens!