The Guy’s Perspective

Ask us questions we have no good answer to.

Examples:
-Do I look fat in these jeans? (The truth: yes)
-How does my hair look?  (The Truth: A birds nest on uppers)

But to answer truthfully, is the equivalent of a capital offense! So we answer NO, like a good supportive partner does. And we get this response.
"Great, I can't even count on you to be honest with me!"

Ask us to clean up after ourselves, but then don't give us time to do it.

OK, so we move a little more slowly than you'd like. That's fair. But that doesn't mean we don't intend to do it. Give us time. It's one of the few things we need to build momentum for.

Leave out important information.

While growing up our mothers would yell at us to put the toilet seat up. Obviously this was for a good reason. Little boys have notoriously bad aim. (Except when throwing snow balls. But we digress!) So we tried as hard as little boys can try.
Years later, our girlfriends told us to put the seat down!! Then we were totally confused. Should we believe our mothers or our girlfriends?? It wasn't until years later that we figured it out.
The toilet seat goes up. We pee. Toilet seat goes down.
Yes, we're dense. Please say exactly what you mean and you'll be happier with us.

Tell us we can call and then don't answer. Ever!

We know we can be pests. But we're literal beings. If you tell us we can call then you're telling us you'll answer….and that we have a chance.
We realize this is an easy way to blow us off, but a good old fashioned, "NO" is preferable. Our fragile egos are like the Planaria heads we used to cut off in science class. Somehow they keep growing back!

Want their own space, but get upset if we go out with our buddies.

We know you want to be independent. You want ladies night out, to hang with your friends, see a chick flick and talk relationships. But if we use that same night to go out with our buddies, somehow that never seems to sit right with you. Often we're doing exactly what you're doing. And god forbid we go out on a night you're home alone. We hear, "Do you like hanging out with your friends more than me?"

(Married Women Who Want to Be Home with The Kids) Wish we made more money, but get annoyed that we're never home.

The two are usually mutually exclusive. To have more money, means we're home less. It means we have to take a job that requires travel. Or requires us to leave at 6am and get home at 8pm, tired and grumpy. Otherwise, we're around more and have more time to spend with the family. What should we do? Please advise.

Like cats so much.

Especially because your cats don't like us. And sometimes you choose your cats over us? Why?? We can be trained to go potty in a box too!

Want us to be nice, but not really.

All we ever hear from our single girlfriends is, "We just want to meet a nice guy." Then when they meet a nice guy, they say he's too nice. What's the deal? 

Want us to help, but then get upset when we offer.

Here's the conversation we have with you:
You, "Boy what a pain this is. I can't stand painting."
Us, "Do you want us to help?"
You, "What, do you think I'm not capable of painting?!"
Us, "But you just said……forget it."

(We're counting on our female readers to enlighten our male readers.
Please leave us a comment or answer some of these confusing
questions.)

This post was inspired by a friend: www.alittlegirltalk.com who posted the Top Ten rules for GUYS. Check it out.

THE GUYS

Dan is in the kitchen with a ton of shoe boxes sitting on the table. Bob walks in.

Bob: What's with all the shoes?

Dan: They're for my girlfriend.

Bob: Wow Dan. Six pair of shoes!? You must really be into this mystery girl.

Dan: I am. She's unbelievable!

George Walks In.

George: What's with all the shoes?

Bob: They're for Dan's girlfriend. (Turns to Dan) Don't you think it's time you finally told us about this mystery girl.

Dan looks at Bob, then George.

Dan: Fine, but you promise to not say anything? Or make fun of me?

George: Fine

Bob: Promise.

Dan:(Looks at George) Well, after we got kicked out of the Fetishist Anonymous meeting I was very upset. I really liked it and felt I could relate to everyone there. So I went back and begged the facilitator for another chance. She felt sorry for me, so she let me back in and I've been going since. I feel so alive and so empowered. The people there are so strange, that they make me feel normal somehow. And it's working. I haven't even looked at porn since I started going.

George: Or maybe you haven't looked at porn since you started dating this mystery girl.

Bob: Well that's great Dan. I'm happy for you. So who is this girl?!

Dan: Well she goes to the meetings too. George, you remember Victoria? The one with the foot fetish?

George: You mean the petite, dark haired girl that was telling her story when we got the boot. No pun intended.

Dan: That's the one. I talked to her after one of the meetings and we hit it off. She's so interesting. And she loves my feet!

Bob: Wow, a foot fetishist. And aren't you sweet. You bought her a bunch of new shoes…. She must have big feet.

Dan: Like I said, they're for her……indirectly……..she likes ME to dress up in women's shoes.

Bob: Wait….they're for you?!!!

George:(With a mean tone) Nice Dan. You went from being a porn addict to dressing up as woman!

Dan: Oh shut up George! You're such an ass! No wonder your wife kicked you out.

George: Oh, screw you!

Bob: Enough guys. Stop arguing!!

Everyone's quiet for a bit.

Bob: George, speaking of Amy. I ran into her last week.

George: What? And you didn't tell me til now??!! What the hell?

Bob: Well, I wasn't sure what I was going to say to you.

George: What do you mean? What did she say?

Bob: Well, I don't know how to say it really, so I'll just say it. She's thinking of leaving you.

George: What!?……..what did she say?

Bob: She said, the Chicken Porn incident wasn't the first one. There was this Facebook incident and so on, and so forth. Is that all true?

George: Yes, it's true.

Bob: But you always told me to be honest. You said, honesty is the best policy. Nice, coming from a total liar.

George:(Starts to tear up) I'm sorry Bob. It's not like that really. Amy's so amazing. Honestly, she's too good for me and she makes me feel so insecure. So instead of talking about it with her, I tried to make myself feel better by talking and flirting with other women.

Bob: Well you realize that's done the opposite of what you really wanted.

George: I guess in some ways, I felt Amy would always leave me, so I figured I would make it easier for her. Or maybe I would just leave her before she could leave me. What a mess!

Dan: I'm sorry George.

Bob: Wow George, I didn't realize you felt like this. You always seem so confident.

George: It's all an act. I never feel good enough for anyone. Even you guys. I'm worried that you won't like me unless I'm cool or say cool things. Or talk tough or whatever.

Bob: No one cares if you're cool or tough. I mean please. Dan's got six boxes of women's shoes sitting on the table. We're pretty accepting around here.

Dan: Yeah, George we don't care. We like you , so no worries about that. What are you going to do?

George: I have no idea. I think I already knew it was too late for me and Amy, I just never admitted it until now. (Tears are streaming down his face)

Bob: George, well you're our buddy no matter what. 

Dan: Yeah, that's right George. You're our bud. Buds stick together.

Bob: I have an idea. At least for right now. Let's get drunk and have a fashion show? I want to see Dan in those shoes.

George: Sounds like just what I need. A good laugh.

Bob: Will you model for us Dan?

Dan: I'd love to.

The three of them start to drink shots of whiskey. Dan is modeling shoes and they're hooting and hollering. The music is blaring. Now all three of them are trying on the shoes and parading around the house in just their underwear and shoes. They don't hear Torrie walk in.

Dan: Wow, this is so much fun!

George: I haven't felt this free in a long time. It's so liberating.

Bob: Hey guys, don't I look so sexy??

Torrie:(yells) Bob, what are you doing!?

They all freeze.

George: (Mutters to himself)Party's over…..Shit……

Torrie: Hey Mr. Vegan, are those leather shoes?

Next week: To be continued…..

We've been a bit more serious here at The Guy's Perspective. More serious than we'd like actually. It might be the fact that it's turned prematurely cold where we live. And as you know, we don't like anything that starts with premature. But since we're in this serious mode we'd like to continue for just a bit longer. Monday, we'll be back with something on the more humorous side.

The other day while meeting with a friend, ONE of THE GUYS heard a story that resonated with all of us. It resonated to the point where we're now writing this post. The story was all about how the courts decide child custody during a divorce. In an earlier post this week we gave DIVORCE a "NOT" review, because of how difficult it is for everyone involved. No one ever thinks they'll get divorced, but life happens. We'd like to share this story with you about one of our own here. A story that might sober you up and make you try and save what you have. Guys and Gals.

One note to our female readers. We understand that all issues are complex, but this is one GUY'S story.

Here We Go.

This GUY is happily married to his wife, who he thinks is happily married to him. They have two daughters whom they both love. The Guy has a special bond with each of them and spends a ton of time with the girls, playing with them, reading to them, coaching them. They have a great relationship. (This is not to say mom doesn't, but this is the story of the GUY.) So meanwhile, mom really isn't happily married to him and she meets some sexy, rich guy at a conference. One thing leads to another and she starts having an affair. This goes on for a few years without our GUY knowing. He finally figures it out. Actually, NO…. he doesn't figure it out. She finally comes clean when she asks him for a divorce. OK, it gets worse. So they get divorced and she gets remarried the next year to this other Punk…..we mean guy. But her new husband actually lives in another state, several states away. He's got this nice life there, so he wants his wife to move. (Yes, they got married living it two different states.) Well our GUY sees the writing on the wall. If mom moves, his girls move too. Which would give our GUY two choices: miss his kids terribly, or move his whole life to live near his girls. Not with them, but near them. So a custody case ensues and he fights it and wins. Sounds good. Nope!! The ex appeals it. She's got money now. And the court appoints a Guardian Ad Litem to oversee the case. After two weeks of visits the verdict comes in. Our GUY loses. Wife gets to move with the girls. The girls are devastated. So is our GUY. Sure he can visit, but gone is any semblance of day to day living with his kids. And you know what the decision was based on??? This is a quote: "A happy mother means happy kids."

Are you friggin' KIDDING US???

This is where the story stands now. He has to figure out his new life as an estranged dad, or as a person without roots. Very sad indeed.

We know that being a GUY can come with some advantages, especially in the workplace. But when it comes to divorce, GUYS get screwed badly. And this is just one case of many that happen everyday.

So we'd like to know your opinions on this touchy subject.

What is going on?

Why are GUYS getting the worst of custody decisions? Should they be?

And most importantly why aren't courts making both parents change THEIR lives AROUND their kids? Not force kids to move because mom OR dad wants to get laid more often?

You don't see us pissed off too much, but thinking about this makes us so sad and angry!

THE GUYS

We strive for mediocrity in our daily lives. Or more clearly, we strive to raise the level of our mediocrity day by day.

This probably makes no sense. So let us explain.

Being a professional at anything is all about consistency. Pros are more consistent, than semi-pros and semi-pros are more consistent than good amateurs and so it goes on down the line. Pros attain this certain level of consistency by hours and hours of practice, coupled with some innate talent. But studies have shown that the amount of practice actually has the most influence over mastery. In fact, it's almost down to a science. A person that spends roughly 10,000 hours of deliberate practice usually reaches master level status. Whereas someone who practices around 7,500 hours is a solid pro, and someone who practices 5,000 hours is a top notch amateur.(Read article in Fortune Magazine online)

And what might this have to do with relationships? Even in relationships, it's all about raising your "level of mediocrity." That's a quote from the great saxophonist and educator, Jerry Bergonzi. The idea is based on control or lack thereof. It's difficult to control the good performances or good days, AND the bad performances or bad days, but with practice one can usually expect a certain level of mediocrity. (Mediocrity, being your typical performance or typical behavior.) And with more practice, your own personal level of mediocrity rises steadily higher, so after years of practice, your OK days are actually quite good, and your bad days are really not that bad.

So we've been practicing in our relationships. We figure we should be able to complete our 10,000 hours in about 3-5 years. We're not sure if anyone can ever be a true master at relationships, but we're certainly giving it a go. The key for us is practicing the "right stuff." So after consulting friends, books, blogs and professionals, these are the things we've been practicing.

1. Saying nice things. This could be a little thing or big. Just be sincere.
2. Saying we're sorry. If you're wrong you're wrong.
3. Cleaning up. Not a lot of effort to make someone very happy.
4. Being aware and doing our share.
5. Listening.
6. Being more present more of the time.
7. Showing Love.

We have our stellar days and our bad days, but we're mainly working on our consistency. We're trying to raise the level of our mediocrity. This is not an easy task, but we know if we manage to do that, we'll be much more than just mediocre! At least to the people that actually care about us.

THE GUYS

What are you doing to raise the level of your mediocrity??

We've made some changes to the schedule.

Tuesday eve/Wednesday morning: Our Goal: Mediocrity?

Thursday eve/Friday morning: A Guy gets Screwed!

Weekend: Maybe a surprise post.

Monday: Bob the Vegan returns!

Online Dating: HOT
After hearing success story after success story from our online and offline friends, we must conclude that online dating has arrived as a viable alternative to smoky, or not so smoky bars. Sure, we all hope to meet someone in a casual, natural setting. In a word, "spontaneously." However, life intervenes sometimes. This would be called: a job! In this day and age when money is tight and housing is expensive we are all working more and more. And so, going out casually 2-3 times a week just doesn't happen as much. Online shopping, fills that void perfectly. Did we say shopping? Yes, because that's what it's like. Scrolling through profile after profile is just like shopping for that perfect gift. Except this gift you get to keep for yourself. So GO FOR IT!!

School Buses: NOT
Expectant parents spend hours online researching the safest car seat. They ask friends, and seek advice from those "in the know." When they finally choose that extra special deluxe version, their job has only just begun. Now the installation process begins, often ending at the local police station for professional consultation or actual installation. Safety is probably the highest priority for parents of young kids. So help us understand something. Why do all of us happily smile and wave as our kids get on school buses across the country? This is a vehicle containing, no car seats or no seat belts of any kind? It remains a mystery to THE GUYS.
And of course, our number one nemesis on the road is the dreaded school bus. If you're in a rush, be prepared for one of these yellow submarines to unexpectedly turn right in front of you. Now you are really late!!

Spontaneity: HOT
We recently saw a chick flick. Yes, our partners were happy. Hey, it's all about give and take. Anyway, in this movie the couple goes to the airport without an itinerary and buys tickets on the first plane out of there! WOW!!! Not only does that sound fun, but very creative. Now the key here is injecting that type of spontaneity into our daily lives without having to go to the airport. We need to think outside the box people. OK, so here's example of what we're NOT talking about. (You're in the car driving) "Hey honey, do you want to go to Starbucks instead of Dunkin' Donuts? You know just to mix things up a bit?" When we say be creative, we really mean be CREATIVE!!!

Kanye West: NOT
By now we all now this "Guy" behaved badly. Just about everyone is talking about it. And we'll jump on that bandwagon for sure. What he did was pretty lame to say the least!!! And he should be publicly reprimanded for his behavior. But that's not our biggest beef with Kanye. When his first two records came out we thought he was hip, unique, fresh and funky. But since "Goldigger" he hasn't released one good song. Not anything remotely creative. Sure people still buy his stuff because he made a name for himself. But right now he's either coasting or he's already done. Either way, he's gotten too big for his bitches……oops, we mean britches……….

Mini Vans: HOT
OK, hold on before you scream. Yes, we know that these are the equivalent of a 16th century castration to most GUYS. BUT, have you ever actually ridden in one? These vehicles drive like cars, unlike their distant cousins the SUVs, that feel like small tanks. And minivans can hold 7-8 people comfortably while still hauling luggage for everyone. We're not sure why we don't see more touring bands using these utilitarian vehicles. The seats come out easily to hold amps, drums, guitars and more. Or if you're feeling "randy" they work for that too! But we just use them to haul the local soccer team around.

Divorce for anyone: NOT
OK, THE GUYS have some friends going through this process. Tough stuff. No one ever goes into a marriage thinking one day it will end. Sometimes life happens. It's never an easy decision, even if a person wants to leave. And of course, if there are kids involved, the decision is even harder. So nothing funny here. Just plain sadness.

Presents: HOT
Why wait until a holiday or birthday? Come home with a surprise present for your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing too extravagant, but something thoughtful. Not flowers. Not chocolate. Although, those are nice. We can't answer it for you, but you'll figure it out. Be spontaneous, it will come to you. Do you sense a theme here? Get CREATIVE!

Being Present: THE HOTTEST
We live in a fast forward world. "I can't wait for the weekend!" "I can't wait until the kids are older!" "I can't wait until I get that bonus" "When we get in that new house things are going to be great!" Guess what? The only thing that all these statements have in common is by the time these things happen, you'll be older. And when you try to remember all that actually happened you'll realize you missed it. Stop people. This is so difficult for us too, and something we struggle with all the time. But enjoy the moment. No other way to live! TRULY!

Divorce for GUYS: (Tune in on Wednesday to see if this is Hot or Not?

Raising Your Level of Mediocrity: This Friday!

THE GUYS

We first heard the term hermaphrodite in elementary school. We have no idea how our source actually found out about this term, but he was more than happy to share his new found knowledge with us. Adding to the "collective vocabulary of insults" was a badge of honor back then and our source was catapulted from the bottom rank to the top in one day. Of course his status only lasted for a day, but the word itself stuck.

We found ourselves using the word to make fun of this person or that person. Or our siblings. It was especially useful on our siblings!! Did we have any idea what the word meant? We only knew the basics, because anytime it was discussed we just giggled. We thought it was SOOOO funny! But we were kids. We still thought we would get somewhere by putting someone else down. Yes, we've learned a bit since then. But let's not digress.

Hermaphrodites have been in the news lately. It started with Lady Gaga's questionable status a month ago and now Caster Semenya, the runner from S. Africa. But this term has been in and out of the news for a while. Do you remember the rumors about Jamie Lee Curtis? People wondered about her as well. THE GUYS don't quite get that one, but we do get that gossip sells, and this type of controversy is good for talk shows, newspapers, TV and yes, BLOGS!

So let's be clear. A hermaphrodite is a person born with both male and female sex organs. A hermaphrodite is NOT a she-male, cross dresser, transvestite, or a transsexual person. But how do we categorize this type of person? Where does someone who blurs the lines of gender actually fit? The government of S. Africa is adamant that the runner, Semenya is a she! But her hormones and testosterone levels really put her more in the category of a man. Wow, this is confusing!! What characteristic makes a person a she or he? Is it sex organs, hormone levels or just their word or belief?

When a person is born with both sex organs, one of the organs is often underdeveloped. It's possible parents could make the difficult decision of surgically removing the underdeveloped organ, or they could just wait and allow their son or daughter to make the decision when they're older. But what if they just don't want to make that decision. Is there something wrong with having both? Would that be classified as a third gender?

If you've ever seen Tru Blood, the vampire series on TV, you get a sense of how confusing this could be. In that series, Vampires have actually assimilated into mainstream society. They are actually a totally separate species living among humans, drinking blood from a bottle and generally minding their own business. Talk about confusing!! People don't know what to make of them, except that they don't trust them. However there are those that seek them out BECAUSE they are different and unique.

Hermaphrodites are far from a totally separate species. They are just part of a movement of people that are challenging the definitions of gender and sexuality. More and more college aged kids are experimenting with bisexuality. People are taking hormones to help them become their "true" selves. Some people like to cross dress in private, and some like to dress up and actually become the opposite gender for an entire evening. (Remember the Crying Game?) And many "normal" people also seek these people out BECAUSE they are different. They are looking for a totally unique experience.

So where do THE GUYS stand on all of this? We think the world is too large a place to live small. This fringe population may be a bit "out there" but they certainly aren't boring. And they give us "normal" people something to think about and talk about. (See the news everyday.) And don't we all need a dose of different every once a while, just to mix things up a bit? Keep us on our toes?

So we've come a long way from the giggles we exuded every time we used the word hermaphrodite. But as a society we've still got a long way to go. Race, religion and sexual orientation are still divisive in this country and in the world and it doesn't look like that's changing too much anytime soon. But for us, we want life to be interesting. So bring on the hermaphrodites and anyone else of any unusual bent. It's all good to us.

But what do we know, we're just plain old GUYS.

What are your opinions?
Where is our society at in terms of sexual orientation?
Do you see any changes on the horizon?
And how do you define a he or she? 

THE GUYS

(Read our friend Badgal for her take on Caster Semenya)

Yesterday: Jim and Bob decide to go see a documentary on Hermaphrodites. They set off down the street. And then….. Bob sees Amy, George's wife.

Bob: Holy shit, that's Amy!

Jim: Where? …… Hey, you're right. Isn't George living with you now?

Bob: Yep. And this is going to be awkward.

Amy sees them and waves. They all stop.

Amy: Hey guys. How are you?

She gives Bob a hug. She nods at Jim who she doesn't know that well.

Bob: Sooo….how have you been Amy? George misses you so much.

Amy: Oh come off it Bob. You know George as well as I do. He's probably off with Dan at some strip club or something.

Bob:
Actually, not really. First of all, Dan's completely changed. He's been going to
meetings every week now. And he joined me in becoming a vegan.

Amy: Seriously?

Bob: Seriously.

Amy: And George?

Bob: Well, George has had a little more trouble.

Amy: Figures. I'll tell you, he's walking on thin ice with me.

Bob:(gulps)  But Amy?

Jim is just keeping his mouth shut through this whole exchange.

Amy:
Listen, this isn't the first time stuff like this has happened. A few
months ago he reconnected with some old flame on Facebook. He didn't
realize that we had a few mutual friends, so I found out about it. And then there was online chat room he was visiting. It just goes on and on. The "Chicken Porn" was the last
straw.

Bob: I thought he was Mr. Securi……(Bob stops short, recalling his conversation about security with George)

Amy: What was that?

Bob: Oh nothing….But don't you still love him? And miss him?

Amy: You know what. Not really. I'm actually thinking of leaving him for good.

Bob: NO!!! Don't say that. You don't mean that.

Amy: I'm sorry Bob, I guess I do. It's too bad he's not more like you.

Jim just looks at Bob. The whole scene is uncomfortable.

Amy:(Continues) You know what I especially don't miss?

Bob: I'm afraid to ask.

Amy: The little things.

Bob: Like what?

Amy:
Like the fact that he doesn't clean up after himself in the kitchen.
I'm always putting his dishes in the dishwasher and putting the food
away….or closing the cupboards. It drives me nuts. And then after he
takes a shower, he leaves the soap at the bottom of the tub instead of
in the soap dish. I hate having to try and grab it, squirting around
like a slippery little fish….(she pauses)…. But you know what the
worst is?

Bob: I'm scared to hear.

Amy: His underwear…..Every
week I do the wash, which I don't mind doing. We've kind of divided up
the chores. But every week he has only one pair of dirty underwear in
the hamper.

Bob: Um..should you really be telling me this?

Amy: Well
it's just gross. I always say, "Where's the rest of your underwear for
the week?" And he says, "That's it?" And I say, "ONE PAIR??!" And he
says, "Yep"

Bob: Yikes.

Amy: See!! That is so gross. He thinks it's funny. And then he wants me to….you know…..the whole thing grosses me out…….So no I don't miss that. And I don't really miss him.

Bob: Well, I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm sorry for you and George.

Jim: Um, sorry to interrupt, but Bob we should go. The movie's going to start soon.

Amy: Oh, what are you guys going to see?

Jim: That documentary on Hermaphrodites. Why? You want to come?

Bob gives Jim a scathing look. Jim ignores him.

Amy: Wow, you guys are brave to go together. Aren't you afraid everyone will think you're gay?

Jim:(says to Bob) See?!!

Bob just shrugs.

Bob: I told you, I don't care either way.

Jim:(To Amy) So what do you say, you wanna come?

Now Jim is even more excited at the prospect of Amy becoming single.

Amy: Sure, I'd love to come. I've got nothing going on.

Bob just looks at Jim. The three of them walk to the movies.

Next week: Find out if Bob tells George. And. Dan's got a new girlfriend

This Thursday: The Guy's Horizon: The Future of Gender

Here are the first seven episodes of "Bob the Vegan" in order. Each story should also read as a single episode, so if one catches your eye, go for it. (Although, reading them in order is probably optimal.) Enjoy!

Scroll down for today's episode.

Bob, I'm a Vegan

The Lawn Mower

It Wasn't me

The Chicken Video

Dan, Dan The Porn Man Turns Purple

Torrie Returns

Fetishist Anonymous

Episode 8: Going to the Movies

Bob and his friend Jim meet up on the street.

Bob: Hey Jim, long time. What's up?

Jim: Hey man. Yeah, I guess since the BBQ. How are things? And how's that hot girlfriend of yours? What's her name again?

Bob: Uh, you mean Torrie?

Jim: Yeah, Torrie. What's up with her? You guys still together?

Bob: I guess you could say that. It's been a long road.

Jim: Long road? But hasn't it only been a few months?

Bob: Yeah. but it's been a tough few months.

Jim: Oh yeah, the whole vegan thing. I almost forgot. You're not still doing that are you?

Bob: As a matter of fact I am. And actually I'm kind of digging it. But Torrie has now changed her mind and doesn't want me to be a vegan anymore.

Jim: How come women have to be so damn complicated?

Bob: I have no idea! So how are the ladies treating you?

Jim: Same old. A few dates here and there, but mostly just working, and doing what a guy needs to do to get by.

Bob: Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do as we GUYS say….So are you up for a movie?

Jim: Sounds good.

Bob: Cool. Well, I wanted to see this documentary

Jim: A documentary!!!??? Are you kidding. I hate documentaries. So boring!! What's it about?

Bob: It's called "The Third Gender." It's about hermaphrodites.

Jim: What the hell is a hermaphrodite? Sounds like a Greek god or something.

Bob: It's a person with both male and female sex organs.

Jim: So kind of like a Greek god?! So…what are you getting into these days Bob? First you're a vegan and now you're into hermaphrodites.

Bob: Very Funny…. Listen, I'm just  curious. It's a world I know nothing about. It will be interesting.

Jim: Sounds kinky. But I'm always game for kinky. But it might be a bit strange to go together. You know, two guys going to a movie about hermaphrodites. It might be slightly….you know…

Bob: Who cares? What do I care what people think?

Jim: Well I do…….Listen, here's what we do. When we sit down, just don't sit right next to me. Leave a seat between us.

Bob: Why?

Jim: So we won't look totally gay?

Bob: No one's going to think we're gay?

Jim: Just leave a seat between us please?

Bob: OK, fine…..Whatever…….you ready?

Jim: Let's do it.

They start to walk towards the theater. Bob sees Amy, George's wife, walking towards them.

Bob: Holy shit, that's Amy.

Jim: So?

Bob: I haven't seen her since she kicked out George.

Jim: Well, this should be interesting.

To be continued….Tuesday……..

THIS THURSDAY: The Guy's Horizon: The Future of Gender

Here are some questions that were posed to THE GUYS recently.

-Do men have a higher need for sex than women?
-Are men naturally more polygamous than women?
-Is sex more emotional for women?
-Are people with sex addictions usually men?

These questions were answered in a great post on a friend's BLOG entitled: Without Dash
But the questions were answered from a woman's perspective.

Today we're going to address them from "The Guy's Perspective."

Our Inner Ram

Some time ago, a study was done with a Ram and some Ewes. The first day the Ram was put in a pen with one Ewe. The Ram immediately had his way with the Ewe and then took a nap for the rest of the day!! The second day the Ram was put in a pen with twenty Ewes. He proceeded to have his way with each one in succession. One by one, ALL in one day!! The researchers were amazed by this! How could this be? How could the Ram have that kind of stamina? (Well……OK…….we made that story up, but you get our point.) It really is kind of like that for GUYS. There's a little Ram in all of us. Or at least that's what we tell ourselves.

So what does this mean? It means that visual variety does play a big part in our sex drive. However, this does not mean we are chasing skirts all day long. Yes, we think about sex all of the time. And sure we look whenever we can. BUT, and this is a big BUT……most of us would never risk the relationship we have with our partners, just to be a Ram for a day. We love the women in our lives too much. And we love our families.

So how do we cope? We cope by looking at "those" magazines or websites. We're not sex addicts, we're just Rams in human form. The addiction we have is variety, and "those" magazines and movies give us variety without risking anything of any worth! If this is called sex addiction, so be it, but we consider it marriage counseling. It works for us, and it actually works for the women in our lives because looking at pictures is fantasy. Most of us know that. And "those" things help keep it in the fantasy world where it belongs.

So to our female readers, here's something you may never have thought of. And we're being very serious here. If you want to put a smile on your partner's face that stays with him for a month, bring him home one of "those" magazines or movies, just for fun. Consider it your version of flowers and chocolate. What will you get? Your husband or partner will have a new appreciation for you. And he might even become that listener you always hoped he would be. All of a sudden he'll be so interested when you talk about your cat, or how fat you look in your new jeans or your best friend's engagement ring. Truly!! And if for some reason he gets offended that you brought him gifts, well he may actually be a Ewe in Ram's clothing.

So what can you take away from all of this? Three important points.

-Guys do think about sex all of the time. But that's not a bad thing."
-Most Guys are able to separate fantasy from reality. Also a good thing.
-Sure, Guys like to be in charge, but a little "change-up" from you is most welcome.

So let the GUY in your life strut his inner Ram. Because at the end of the day, he really only has eyes for Ewe.

THE GUYS

So what do you think? Are you surprised? Does this sound familiar to you? How do the Rams in your life behave?

We started this discussion about online dating yesterday. We asked you what your experiences were using online sites to find "The One." And today we continue to be blown away by your responses!! Truly blown away! We had no idea so many people actually met their current spouse or partner through an online site!? It makes sense to us, but we never would have believed it unless we read it ourselves. Inspiring for sure!

So if some of you are intrigued by the idea of online dating and haven't tried it, or have tried it and want to do it again, THE GUYS are going to share their thoughts on what they look for when checking out a woman's profile.

Hopefully this information will prove useful to some of you…. and interesting to the rest. And for the guys reading this. Do you concur??

Step
1: It's all about the photo. This does not mean sexy pictures
necessarily, but a picture or pictures that present you in a flattering light. NOT you drunk with your girlfriends, or hugging your cat, but a nice shot of your face or entire self. Important things to note. Can
we get a sense of you from your picture? Does it show your
personality? And of course, if the picture doesn't really look like you, and you
know what we mean, please don't put that picture as your main profile
shot. What if we actually meet you? Then what?

Step 2: Write a
fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It's hard to say great things about
yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most
important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips:
Be Positive- Don't say all the things you don't want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner.
Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don't make it generic.
Make it fun- No one wants someone who's too stiff.
Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don't scare them away!
Make
it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you
quickly. If we like what we see and read, we'll want the longer version later!

Step
3: Don't give more info than is needed. If you don't really care about
religion or politics, then don't list your religion or political party.
If you do care, by all means, that's important. Remember, it's all
about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Step
4: Ask your GUY friends for their opinions. Every time we're asked, we
have lots to say and lots of suggestions. Of course these are just our
opinions, but it all helps.

And
finally for your convenience, we've included two "Before and After"
descriptions that might help you in writing your profile.

1st Profile

Before: (What we were given.)

I am an outgoing woman who enjoys being around people. I am
fun, easy going, and upbeat! I can get silly but have a serious side as well. I
am an excellent listener and my friends count on me for that. I am petite and
stay in shape by walking my dog and going to exercise class frequently. People
think I am younger than I am. Men like my smile and legs. I consider myself
open minded and enjoy meeting all kinds of people. Somethings I will not
compromise include honesty and integrity. I admire a man who is confident and
can laugh at himself. He must tolerate dogs well. No control freaks need apply.
I like a man who has strong ideas and will share his interests and beliefs with
me, who is a leader not a follower, but leaves himself open for learning and
love.

After: (Our Rewrite)

Take me out to hear some good Rock n’ Roll and I’m all
smiles. Throw in some good conversation and laughs and I’ll be genuinely happy.
Meeting an interesting, confident person that knows how to laugh and have fun
is what I’m hoping for. But that’s my easygoing side talking.

I do have a more serious side as well. I am very open and
honest and expect the same of anyone I have a relationship with, friend or
other. I am very giving, but I also have a life full of good friends and family.
I am hoping the person I meet will have the same balance in his life.

Oh yeah, I have a dog. Reggie is way cool. I hope
you’re OK with that.

2nd Profile

Before:(What we were given.)

I love tennis. I try to play tennis 4 days a week
and I’m looking for someone who is athletic and able to keep up. Other
than tennis, I like to read, go for walks, good conversation and movies.

I
spend a lot of time with my grandchildren so the person I’m looking for
must appreciate kids. It would be nice if you had kids yourself so we
would have something to share. I have a good sense of humor and expect
the same from the person I’m dating. I don’t like talking about the
weather. I like to have meaningful conversations. I’m ultimately
looking for a good partner who is young at heart and open to exploring
new things.

After: (Our rewrite)

The two things I love doing the most are playing tennis and
spending time with my grandchildren. And not necessarily in that order.
Otherwise I would describe myself as a contrast in styles.

Smart humor engages me, but not at the expense of others.

I’m shy, but love to debate.

I can still run hard, but prefer a nice walk with a friend.

I have my own interests, but family is most important.

I’m a person of action, but love to read about other
people’s lives.

Routines are great, but spontaneity appeals to me as well.

Small talk is not my thing, but mainly because the world is
too interesting to talk about the weather..

So if this speaks to you, I would love to speak with you. I
only ask a few things: that you’re young at heart, curious, and still open to
exploration.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were a tennis player with a sense of humor!

Dear Friends,

We've been asked our opinion on lots of topics over the years, but the majority of questions always seem to revolve around relationships. Women want to know what GUYS are thinking, and of course GUYS want to know what women are thinking. So we'd like to talk about a topic specifically related to relationships. Twenty years ago it was called The Personals, but now it's called Online Dating.

Before we start, we'd like to hear your opinions on Online Dating. Have you participated in the past? Are you currently signed up? Has it worked for you or for someone you know? Do you think it's a good way to meet people? Is it safe enough?

So please enlighten us! We like learning from you!!

THE GUYS

Online Dating

Once upon a time, people started connecting through various alternative outlets. Instead of bars, parties and other more traditional means, men and women discovered another possibly easier way of meeting each other: The Personals.

Back in the day, The Personals were listed exclusively in newspapers. People signed up without telling ANYONE and wrote a brief description of themselves that would be listed in the paper. They were also given a special coded voice mail where people could leave voice messages in hopes that a date would be arranged at some point. This system seemed to work fine, but it was all done in hushed secrecy. No one wanted to admit that they actually needed help in finding "THE ONE." To admit defeat was to be labeled: LOSER!!

How do THE GUYS know all this? Because we were in that small minority that thought, "Why not!?" It was an adventure for us. We've been called a lot worse, as you can recall from our last post on Animals.

Anyway, we digress. The Personals continued for quite some time until the computer invaded almost every house and home on the planet. Once the computer took hold, The Personals became dated. People could now scour the world, and we do mean world, from the comfy of their own homes. The process became so much easier, more far reaching and way less risky. And by risk we mean, risk of actual contact and risk of rejection and humiliation. Communicating through email or texts made it much easier to control the pace of the "relationship" as well as screen potential suitors. Of course people learned quickly that whom they thought they were communicating with, was not always whom they were really communicating with.

So here we are, present day. We have hundreds of online dating sites offering to connect us with every possible human form, and some even with non-human forms. It seems we all need more and more help each day!! And we're not being facetious here. This is true! The more we work at our jobs, the less time we have to socialize the good old fashioned way. And the less we socialize, the less we expose ourselves to situations where we might actually meet new people.

THE GUYS think face-to-face contact is the best policy, but the reality is, that's not always possible. So online dating seems to be the obvious answer.

But is it working? What do you think? Yes or no? And why?

Tomorrow: Stay tuned for Part 2. The Guys will offer some tips on creating your profile. Find out what we really look for and get some tips on how to write a great description.

We've been called everything in the book. And some of the worst have been the many comparisons to animals. "You Dog!" "You're a Pig!" "Move it, you Slug!" "You Shitbag" (OK, we just put that one in there.)

But instead of getting offended we decided to embrace these foul mouthed descriptions and write our own reasons why we are like animals.

Please let us know if you agree or disagree.

What animal would you compare your man to? Or if you're a guy, who would you compare your buddy to?

No need to pull punches. We just want to know where we stand.

Dog: We're loyal. And yes, we do like to sniff and occasional backside. Can you blame us?

Cheetah: We're fast. That's cool!. Although, some would say that's nothing to be proud of.
Ouch that hurts!!

Rat: Yes, we're kind of dirty. But we're smart too. We want you to believe we're dirtier than we are. That way you leave our stuff alone!

Wolf: We hunt in packs.

Chicken: We hunt in packs. It's safer.

Kitty Cat: We're not like them in any way, shape or form. In fact we don't like them in any way, shape or form.

Giraffe: We can see far ahead, but we sometimes stumble over what's right in front of us.

Goat: Sometimes we smell like one. What, that extra splash of cologne isn't working??

Gorilla: We like to beat our chest in a self-congratulatory manner.

Hyena: Even when we're laughing with you, we want to eat you!

So there you have it. We're sure you can come up with many more. Let's have it. We're ready!!

THE GUYS

GUYS love pink! Yes it’s true. We know most people are under the impression
that pink is a forbidden color for us, but that’s a misconception we’d like to clear up
today.

We’ve had a long and wonderful relationship with Pink since
we were kids. And we plan on nurturing that relationship as long as Pink will
have us. So let’s start from the beginning.

Our love of Pink started when we opened our first pack of
baseball cards. That hard stick of gum
would slide out between the cards to our six year old delight. It usually took at least ten packs to find our favorite players, so that's how many sticks we would end up chewing! It was little boy bliss blowing bubbles and having them pop and stick to our faces!! As you can see, Pink was already beginning to take hold. And little did we know she
would never loosen her grip.

Pink continued her imprint on our “still forming” minds when we made our first
trip to the Town Fair. Even with the two headed cows, the bearded lady and the
smallest deer in the world, our fondest memory was sucking down Cotton Candy until
it made us sick. We were amazed, and still are today, at how that
wonderful sticky, Pink thread would shrink twenty times its original size as soon as it came in contact with our mouths. To us, that’s still one of the marvels of the
modern world. And for that, we give all the credit to our love, Pink.

During the rest of our childhood, we encountered Pink in
many more shapes and sizes.

Pink Lemonade

Pink Erasers

Pink Rubber Bands for shooting

Pink Bows on our first crushes

All of these things just added to our love for Pink.

But what about now? Yes, our love continues, but now as adults our relationship with
Pink is much more complicated.

Let's look at clothes for example. Wearing pink is a risky venture at best. It CAN be pulled off, but only
if it's done exactly right. In this case, Pink needs to take a back seat and become
an accessory. That means it’s part of a cast in which it is clearly a
role player. Cool jackets and ties get top billing and Pink provides the backdrop so the rest of the ensemble shines. Why don't more GUYS attempt this? Because only the
confident GUY can make it work. That would be us!(We hope!)

So where else does Pink play a role in a GUY’s life?  It’s a very easy and obvious answer: WOMEN.

Women and Pink are truly one entity and we love them both.

When a women blushes her cheeks turn Pink(not red) and then we know we might
have a chance.

When she wears the color Pink we marvel at how it makes her so feminine……in all the good ways.

When we picture her beautiful Pink lips kissing ours, we
shudder with anticipation. 

When we……hold on, hold on……we'll stop before we get ourselves too worked up….you get the picture.

So to sum up. Pink may be the most relevant color in our lives and we will always love her, as long as she'll have us.

THE GUYS

ps And if for some reason, Pink rejects US, we’ll be over in the corner eating fat, juicy steaks with
the tender, juicy PINK middle. 

What color does it for you and why? Please leave us a comment. We hope to be inviting guests for next week.