The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,

What is the deal with guys? Why can’t they buy gifts? Do Guys think they are exempt from buying once they are married or with a long term partner?”

Cindy (name changed in case hubby reads)

Dear Cindy,

The partial truth is, YES!

But the whole truth is, we are only accomplices. We might be completely overwhelmed by it all or we might just be good at  playing dumb, but the bottom line is, women are enablers in this predicament and for good reason. Many women feel it’s easier to do it themselves, or so we’ve been told!

So yes, guys don’t get gifts much. We will absolutely try to get out of whatever we can when it comes to thinking up ideas, following through with the ideas(shopping), and then wrapping them up. But mostly because we’re given a free pass.

Free passes are usually given for three reasons.

1. Pity: This situation involves a Guy who is either inept or pretending to be inept at anything to do with gift giving. His wife or partner just feels badly for him. Of course if this goes on for too long it leads to our next reason…..

2. Disgust: The Guy has shown that he’s not only bad at gift giving he’s actually semi-offensive or at least not romantic. His idea of a good present for the women in his life is a blender, a vacuum or an exercise tape…..that his partner DIDN’T ask for!

3. Whatever: This is actually the worst of the free passes…..for the guy. It comes to this when a woman realizes it’s just easier to do it herself. But of course this is laced with annoyance and sometimes resentment.

So yes Cindy, we are certainly pretty lame when it comes to gift giving, but women need to stop enabling us . Make your guy, MAN UP!

Something to keep in mind. If your Guy was able to graduate high school and college, get a job, convince you to be with him, he certainly is clever or smart enough to think of gifts, buy them and wrap them. Or at least pay someone to do it for him.

We see two solutions to this problem. One would be let your man fail. Certainly not with the kids, but maybe with his own family or even you. Yes, you. If that happens you can constantly remind him why a new fishing pole was not on your list. He might get the hint and learn by next holiday season.

The second solution, which may be a more positive one, is to involve him. If he won’t take the initiative you might have to. Sit him down and have a discussion. If he’s not actually lazy, but just kind of clueless, then give him a list of jobs to do. He probably will comply even if he grumbles a bit. The more he’s involved the more he may change his behavior. Of course this is a five year plan, so take it a step at a time.

One word of warning. Relationships work with good communication and understanding. We don’t suggest making this a power struggle. Anytime you withhold “other” things it will only make matters worse. Guys don’t respond well to perceived threats. It just makes us more stubborn and boorish.

So start your plans soon. The holidays always come faster than you think.

THE GUYS

I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.

I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.

Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.

She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”

I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)

She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”

I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)

She said, “Have a nice day.”

As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.

When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”

Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”

I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:

For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.

It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.

However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.

If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:

“I’m a bit short staffed.”

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I’m learning more and more that people really do have very different views on what’s funny. That’s weird to me, since I’m pretty sure I know what is and isn’t funny. But maybe I don’t.

Take “30 Rock”  that show with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. Now I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don’t get it. I was at a holiday party last night and this guy kept going on about Alec Baldwin this and Alec Baldwin that. Well you know what? Alec Baldwin is mildly amusing, but he’s not funny. He just isn’t.

I have tried to watch that show on several occasions mainly because I’m a Tina Fey fan. She was wicked funny on SNL, but not really on “30 Rock.” The writing is just ordinary, and these days with so many choices, ordinary just doesn’t cut it. Good stories draw you in. They help you forget your troubles and make you believe in their world. But with that show, I found myself writing my “To Do List” on the coffee table.

The other thing that got me thinking about what is and isn’t funny was a botched collaboration attempt with a friend, for our comic strip, “The Malaprops.”

I asked my friend to be a guest illustrator and I sent him a few scripts. Instead of just a simple no or yes, I got a dissertation on the “correct” way to write a comic along with revisions. You can imagine my response. No it wasn’t that bad. We’re buddies. But it made me realize that two people truly can have completely different view points on humor. I know this is no amazing revelation, but I just assumed humor was obvious. Apparently it’s not!

So what or whom do I think is funny?

Chelsea Handler on “Chelsea Lately.” Her monologues are just OK, but her biting wit on the round table is priceless. And of course there’s Chuey.

Seinfeld. The writing is masterful. And the cast. Perfect frankly.

C.S. Lewis. The Screwtape Letters. Wicked!

Dilbert. I’m amazed that the strip is funny day in and day out.

The Hangover. I laughed out loud……..Four times. That’s rare.

The Colbert Report. What’s so funny, is that I never quite know if he’s serious. He keeps me guessing.

Richard Pryor, before he lit himself on fire.

Kids. Not necessarily my kids, although I think they’re funny, but kids in general. Their enthusiasm just cracks me up!

Monty Python. At least I used to think it was hysterical. I watched the “Holy Grail” with my oldest a few months ago and I still thought it was good, but not as good as I remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was my 30th time watching it. Oh damn, that number keeps coming up.

So maybe funny can’t really by pinned down. It wouldn’t do well in the UFC Octagon because it can’t be forced into submission. It’s subtle and nuanced just as we are. And clearly our sense of it changes over time as we “evolve” and grow.

But damn, “30 Rock” just isn’t funny!

Please share what’s funny to you.

And will SOMEBODY PLEASE enlighten me on this “30 Rock” thing. I truly would like to follow the masses. I’m all about being a worker bee.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I took my five year old daughter to the library last Friday. In fact, every Friday morning we go together. It’s our morning to hang out, just the two of us. I love it. But I hate the library.

We live in a nice town with resources. The library is up to date and modern, but it just aint’ hip. In fact it couldn’t be more un-hip!  Why?

The librarians are evil.

Where do they get these people? I mean, even the people at the DMV are friendlier.

Here’s my latest exchange with one of the Evil Librarians. Keep in mind that I start off being extra friendly. I’ve dealt with her before. Similar to the check out people at Kmart. I always feel like it’s my job to make THEM feel good.

My Encounter

I’m just standing there waiting for her. She’s on the computer and she puts up one finger for me to wait a minute. (Already I’m annoyed.)

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I looked up a book on the reference computer and it wasn’t coming up. I checked it out about six weeks ago so I think you have it here.

Librarian: Let’s take a look.

We walk over to reference computer.

Librarian: What’s the title?

Me: “Spaceship under the Apple Tree” (It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I want to read it to my kids.)

She types it in. Many books come up, but not that title. She tries again. Nothing.

Librarian: Obviously you’re way off on the title.

Now I’m really annoyed.

Me: Actually. No. That’s the title of the book and I’m pretty sure I checked it out six weeks ago from this branch.

Librarian: What’s the author’s name?

Me: Slobodkin. Louis Slobodkin.

She types it in. It comes up on screen. She’s annoyed that’s it right there. I’m annoyed that I didn’t just type in the author myself. Or just stayed home.

Librarian: Oh see, you spelled spaceship wrong. It’s really space ship.

There was a space between “space” and “ship.” It’s an old book, so maybe it was spelled that way when it was written. (I looked it up when I went home and it’s one word in Webster’s. But who cares!)

Me: That shouldn’t matter really.

Librarian: Well it does.

Me: Well Google wouldn’t have cared.(I know this is ridiculous, but I’m so pissed I didn’t know what to say)

Librarian:(Looking at computer screen) I don’t want to continue having this fight with you.

Luckily so far it’s all been quiet. My daughter is out of ear shot, but the librarian helper is nearby listening. But she stays out of it.

Me: Well you started it. (Now I sound like a complete idiot, but I’m in that pissed off state where I can’t think. (AKA: George Costanza)

Librarian turns and just stares at me with the most evil look ever. I’m sure many people have cowered under that icy glare. But not me. I finally get my wits about me.

Me: Well I don’t like being insulted.

At this point the librarian finally realizes she’s being a total bitch and that I’m actually a “paying” customer. I can see she’s struggling with what to do. I see her face change and she backs down.

Librarian: Well I didn’t mean it that way. I hope you know that.

Me: OK

But it’s not OK. WTF!!! She totally meant it that way. She’s done it to me before and to some of my friends in town. Half of the librarians there are like that.

The fact that I pay a lot of taxes is not the point really. What’s most relevant is how sad this is. What a waste! Not a waste of resources, but potential. The library could be such an inviting place, especially the kids section. A place where kids gather and build a community. A place where they can explore the magical world of stories and books. A place where they could learn how to use resources, so they can be resourceful. A place they could be excited to visit. It certainly was for me as a kid.

So I leave with my daughter’s hand in mine. I’m sickened and upset, but trying not to show it. Then my daughter looks at me and says, “Daddy, can we go to Dunkin’ Donuts?”

And at that point I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than share a doughnut with my daughter. And all is right again in the world. At least for that moment.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Please share your library or librarian stories. Good or bad.

I was over at Momversation earlier today and one of the Blog posts was about what to get your Guy for the holidays. I then saw a list of very cool gadgets and man toys that seemed like a lot of fun. But ladies seriously, that’s not what we want. So I felt it my duty to tell you what we really hope to get  for the holidays.

But let’s first discuss why toys and gadgets aren’t a guy’s first choice. Two simple words will give you the answer to this question: Time and Money.

Money:
It’s difficult to buy us a great gift without us feeling like we’re paying for it ourselves. We feel this way even if we share all the monetary responsibilities with our partner. We still see the item on the next credit card bill, which causes us much stress. Knowing that our present comes from the same kitty that pays the mortgage, the household bills and the kids’ college fund takes most of the fun out of it for us. Money is tight these days, so we can do without that cool watch or new video game or engraved knife or slick pair of shoes.

Time:
Even if we love the gift, often we don’t have time to use it or play with it. We’re usually working. And if we’re not working we want to spend time with the kids and see you. So in theory a new toy is great, but in reality it will likely get a brief work out, only to sit idle for the next fifty one weeks of the year.

But THE GUYS and I do have a solution for all of this.

And this should be obvious, but sometimes it just isn’t.

We want YOU for the holidays!!!

Yes, that’s right. A special night or nights with you. Or even a special day. One we don’t have to BEG for.

No kids. No interruptions.

This doesn’t mean you have to fulfill our every fantasy. But if you’re giving that away too, we’ll take it.

So what can you actually wrap up?

I’ll leave that up to your festive imagination. THE GUYS and I know you are infinitely more creative than we are, so dream something up. Surprise us. We’re pretty easy!

So when you ask your man what he wants for the holidays he might tell you this item or that, but he’s really just thinking, YOU!

We discussed Magic in our previous post. Well this is certainly one way of keeping the Magic alive!

Guys and Gals: Do you have any great ideas to share? Please enlighten us and our readers.

PS. You can always check out our new Merchandise on our website. There might be an item your guy would enjoy seeing you in.

The stuff is great quality, so we’ve been told by people who’ve actually purchased them. Just an FYI!!

Guys just can’t get a break these days. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Bad parenting, infidelity, you name it. But the final knock out punch was when I heard that Tiger Woods had now joined the club of cheaters. Not Tiger! Please say it aint’ so!

This news rocked my world. Not that I follow celebrities and athletes and their various extra-curricular activities too much. But Tiger….Well, he’s Tiger. I’ve always rooted for him in all aspects of his life, on and off the course. He’s always been so unique, so talented, so cool.

But now what? The GUYS and I have been working hard to promote men as emotionally stable, self-aware  beings. This news hardly helps our cause. I mean, Tiger??!!! I keep thinking it’s a bad joke, but apparently it’s far from that.

Tiger’s famous, with all the money in the world, a beautiful wife and two healthy children. And he’s the best golfer in the world, which is what he’s probably envied the most for. So how can he have any possible motivation to cheat? How does this even enter his psyche?

But let’s ask the bigger question, “Why do men cheat in general?”

Chris Rock famously said, “Men are only as faithful as their opportunities.” I get the joke, but I’m not so sure it really applies. Men cheat because they choose to cheat and because something is missing from their lives that they aren’t aware of. It’s not men who cheat, it’s individual men.

But it doesn’t hurt to at least look at the list that is most often cited for why guys cheat:

Guys crave variety.
Guys want more excitement, which includes chasing skirts.
Guys want to do things sexually that their wives don’t want to do.
Guys want to experience the “First” sensation again. First kiss. Love at first sight. First everything.
Guys get bored easily.

Sure those may all true, but mainly they’re just excuses. And I’ve talked to enough women to know that they want these things too.

The real reason is, these guys have never learned how to live in the real world. Instead, they live in a fantasy world of their own creation. And what a fun place to live.

Imagine a place where you can have love and security. You can have your ego stroked 24/7.  You get unconditional love. Lots of money and toys. Sex anytime you want with anyone you choose.  AND you have no responsibilities except making yourself happy. Wow, what a play land that is!!!!

However, therein lies the problem. These cheaters are not happy. They spend their lives searching, chasing, looking, only to find dead end after dead end. For them it’s all about the future, not THE NOW. But happiness comes from within. The rest is all about choice. What choices do I want to make? And how do my choices impact the people in my life?

Tiger is left to deal with the aftermath of his bad choices. I feel sorry for him, but I feel more sorry for his wife and kids. What a mess!!!! But this cheating thing isn’t a guy problem it’s a people problem. It’s individuals who haven’t evolved past an egocentric view of the world. And our society is feeding into that more and more. Everyone’s looking for instant gratification, instant success, instant fame. But it’s all just a facade. A cover up.

It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to feel down or depressed. I’m not talking clinically, I just mean we constantly try to cover up uncomfortable emotions with stimuli, instead of exploring where the emotions are coming from or just experiencing them. Every emotion is part of the human experience and that in itself is wonderful.

I’m still rooting for Tiger. I’m still rooting for him to wake up and take a hard look at himself. Maybe it’s too late to fix the mess, but it’s not too late to make changes going forward.

And as far as the rest of us GUYS, we all have to make individual choices and stop making excuses for ourselves and our buddies. So ladies, don’t give up on us.

Because what would you do without us??   (OK, you don’t have to answer that)

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Dear Guys,

I’m engaged and the wedding is in a six months. I’m excited, but a few things have happened that have made me worried.

My guy’s(Rob..not his real name)  mom is getting too involved with the plans and whenever I object Rob sides with her. The venue, the guests, even the food. He says it will make her happy and that it’s a big deal for her. He’s her only child.

I’m not happy and I’m worried that this type of pattern might continue in our relationship. So my question is, do you think this is unique to the wedding, or does this sound like trouble?

Patricia

Dear Patricia,

We’ve been told by female friends that a guy who loves his mom will be a good husband. But it’s one thing to love your mom, it’s another  to be a momma’s boy. We hope you’re not engaged to the latter.

But having said that, weddings often bring out the worst in everyone. All of a sudden everyone thinks they have a say in the planning. And by everyone we mean the families. The guest list is often the biggest cause of tension. Parents want to invite everyone they know even if you’ve never even met them. To a certain extent that’s fine. They are typically paying for it, and they want to share their excitement and happiness with their friends as well. So you should go with the flow as far as the guest list, unless you want to elope, which isn’t always the worst option. But it’s absolutely no one’s business to tell you where you should have your wedding and what food or music you should have.

We’ll make this brief. Talk to Rob. Tell him how you’re feeling. It’s your wedding and you should be excited and happy about it. Let’s hope he comes to his senses. You will be a team throughout life and he needs to get on board!!

As for our bigger concern. Rob being a momma’s boy. Only you can know that for sure. The signs are there, but weddings are weddings. Have there been other instances throughout your relationship that have made you pause and wonder? Other things that might suggest a pattern of behavior?

And finally, does Rob have enough great qualities that you’re happy to marry him anyway? That’s your call.

Good luck. And congratulations! (We hope)

THE GUYS

Ever wondered what drives you? What helps you make those difficult decisions? Or takes you to places that are full of wonderment and beauty?  Or lands you at a party you shouldn’t be at or hanging with the wrong crowd?

It’s your internal GPS. That’s right, we all have one. But some people listen and others don’t.

Every GPS is different and decisions are unique to each individual. We know life is about exploring dead ends and learning from them, but it’s also, figuring out when to say no. Let’s go for a ride together through the stages of life.

This skit was written with two female characters, but it still comes from The Guy’s Perspective……..because we know GUYS!

Two teenage girls.

Friend: Hey, do you want to go to this party later?

You: Sure, who’s having it.

Friend: Oh, just a bunch of guys.

You: How do you know them?

Friend: Well, I just met them actually. Last night. They seem like a lot of fun.

You: Hmm, well, OK, that sounds fun.

GPS: Recalculating……recalculating……..do not leave house.

Your friend comes to pick you up. You get in car.

You: Are they cute?

Friend: Oh god yes.

GPS: Recalculating…..recalculating…….drive 10.5 miles to the movie theater or to the video store and go home.

You: Let’s do it.

GPS: Recalculating……drive 5 miles back to friend’s house.

You ignore!

Friend: We’re here.

You: Looks kind of crazy.

Friend: Yeah, but it will be fun.

GPS: Recalculating……recalculating……….please drive away. NOW!!!

You and friend knock on the door. Four guys answer drinking beers with loud music blaring. You look at each other.

GPS: (quietly) I told you……

You both look at each other and realize this might have been a mistake. Close call! You leave.

Fast forward ten years. You’re about to get married.

Friend: You must be so excited. You’re getting married in two weeks!

You: I guess so.

Friend: What’s wrong? You sound so…..

You: I’m starting to wonder if this was a big mistake.

GPS: Recalculating…….drive……anywhere

Friend: Oh it’s too late for second guesses.

You: Yeah I know.

Day of wedding.

GPS: Arriving at wrong destination on right.

You: I just can’t do it.

Friend: But all the presents. What will people think?

You: I don’t care.

GPS: Why didn’t you listen to me two years ago?

You: Oh shut up GPS before I reprogram you.

Five years later. You married the ONE in a quiet ceremony with just family. You are happy.

Husband: I thought you said you wanted kids?

You: I do, but I’m just not ready. We don’t have any money.

Husband: We’ll figure it out.

You: I’m just not ready.

GPS: Just drive. Stop worrying. I’ll get you there.

You: I just don’t know.

GPS: Recalculating. Just go for it.

You: What if we can’t take care of it.

GPS: You’ll figure it out. Drive. Undetermined miles. That’s weird. I don’t see a destination. I’ll have to get back to you.

THE GUYS would love to hear examples of when you listened, or didn’t listen to your own GPS. Thanks for sharing.

Hey Friends,

We hope you are all having a great weekend. We just wanted to let you know THE GUYS have some fun merchandise available with our Logo on it.

Check it out on our website: The Guy’s Perspective Merchandise

New post soon!

Enjoy,

THE GUYS

Here is the fourth installment of our comic strip.

Dear Guys,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He’s great in all ways except one. He spends a ton of time at his job. I mean more than most. It seems he lives and breathes his job even when he’s not at work. He’s always answering a text or talking business on his cell, even when we’re together on the weekends. He tells me that he can’t afford not to answer his phone. I’m somewhat OK with it now, but I’m concerned for the future. I know he’s trying to get ahead, make money and secure a good future for himself, and hopefully, US. I work too, but I’m able to leave my job and not think about it until I go in the next day. So my question is, how do you see this playing out if we got married and/or had kids? I’m worried.

Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,
No reason to be worried, yet.

This situation is not really that uncommon. Many men define themselves by their work, or by how much money they make. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what it is. And sometimes work does require a ton of time, especially if it’s his own business.

What men ultimately want is respect. We especially want respect from our peers. In high school we get respect by being a good athlete or for dating a cute girl. But as we get older, what we do for work becomes a bigger factor on how we define ourselves. So sure, your man is trying to get ahead and make some money, but his work obviously makes him feel important and respected in his community of peers.

So here’s what we’ll say. Try to be understanding of what he’s trying to do. It sounds like he’s putting in a lot of time now in hopes that it will pay off later. Be patient and supportive. However, you can absolutely ask that he not answer his phone during dates or the time he’s out with you. Lounging at home is one thing, but out on a dinner date, or any date with you, his phone needs to be off and tucked away. (Unless you discuss and agree on something different before the date.)

Projecting into the future is difficult. His behavior could continue forever. If he’s not someone who can appreciate the here and now, you may be getting what you’re seeing. This wouldn’t be good. But lots can change, especially if you have kids. People change and priorities change. If he wants to be a dad, he’ll want to spend more quality time with his family.

So factor in the whole picture and see if it works for you. That’s ultimately the only way you should make the decision. But before you do, please talk to him about your concerns. Sometimes guys are oblivious. He may have no idea you’re feeling how you’re feeling. It’s time to stop being the good girlfriend and make sure  the relationship is working for you too.

He’ll respect you even more if you sit him down and talk to him “man to man.”

All the best,

THE GUYS

For relationship questions, or any question concerning males, email us at:
advice@theguysperspective.com