Archive for February, 2010


The Uniform

This is a different kind of post today. This is the first installation in a three part miniseries where we’ll share some memorable moments in our lives.

However, we’d like to do more than just stroll down memory lane. We’d also like to recognize some of you, our readers, who we’ve connected with since entering the world of blogging. For the next three posts, we’ll be sharing stories from different stages of our lives, and at the same time we’ll be recognizing some blogs that we love and follow that also share some of these same types of stories and experiences…….well at least in some way. We took some liberties of course.

So here we go. Let’s start with the early years. A first person account.

In first grade I knew I was going to be a baseball player. I knew it in my bones and I knew it in my mind. And if you stood close enough to me, you could smell the scent of leather, dirt and grass oozing from my pores.

But I wanted to show the world how much I loved it. So I begged my parents to buy me a baseball uniform. When my Cleveland Indians uniform arrived in the mail, I was in heaven. I had never seen something so beautiful….well except in those magazines I used to find in the attic….. but I digress…….I ripped off the packaging and immediately put in on, and like some strange hermetic seal, it bonded with my body.

In fact, and this is the complete truth, I wore that baseball uniform to school every day! I mean, every day in first grade! I was so serious about this that I would hide the uniform in my bottom drawer of my dresser on the weekends, for fear that if I put it in the dirty clothes bin, it would not be washed and ready for school on Monday.

Of course for some reason I never noticed that all the grass and dirt stains were gone come every Monday. My mom later told me that she used to sneak in and grab the uniform and wash it every weekend, and then put it back. That’s very funny to think about now.

But looking back I’m amazed that my parents actually let me wear that uniform every day. I mean, what did the other parents think? Did they have to endure the stares and recriminations of other parents at the school? Or maybe they just didn’t give a shit. Good for them I say if that’s the case.

So I think about that uniform and wish I still had it today. It represented unbridled love, passion, and all the possibilities life had in store for me. But if I close my eyes, I can still feel every fiber of that uniform even today. And it’s a good reminder to me, that every day brings new moments to cherish, and new possibilities. And as I smile, remembering, a few layers of stress fall away, still smelling like baseball.

So now we’d like to recognize some of the blogs that recount stories of childhood, or give us insight into the world of parenting. Or, maybe just other blogs about personal experiences.Check these great sites out!

(And remember, in the next two posts to come, we’ll have more sites for you to explore. We won’t forget our loyal readers and fellow bloggers. But there’s a lot of you that we love, so be patient! Enjoy!)

Psycho Carnival

Momma Mia Culpa

The Mommy Blog

One Crazy Brunette Chick

Always Musing

Barbara’s Meanderings

Red Head Ranting

Bueno Baby

Darwin Fish 2

Moe Daily

Ethel Mae Potter

Grammology

Just Bloggled

Missi Mi

The Madness of Me

Ordinary Woman

Stuperhero Extraordinaire

When a Southern Woman Rambles

Windshield Thinking

Stupidation

Rambling Brooke

Melindaville

Momversation

Next Post: Life in the world of Dating and Relationships

…… and more blogs THE GUYS love and follow!


Posted by: “Suburban Guy”

I’m in a long term relationship that’s gone sort of cold, and I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of how good a relationship can feel. So the other day, I asked my self: How good could it be? The following little vignette came to mind, and I think it paints a reasonable answer to that question, at least it does for me.

________________________

“The alarm clock goes off on a snowy Tuesday, and my wife leans over to turn it off. When she turns back, I move close and reach over. Lifting her flannel top just a little, I place my hand on her warm, soft stomach. She turns and smiles and then leans in to give me kiss, deep and open, loose and wet. It’s morning, so her breath is a little stale, but I don’t mind. The kiss is really amazing.

She ends the kiss with a little nibble of my lip. “What are you doing this morning with the snow and all? School will probably open late.”

I sigh and roll over on my back. “I have early meetings, so I need to go in regular time.”

Her hand, friendly and gentle, moves up the sleeve of my shirt to rest on my shoulder, her bare leg crosses over mine. “Wish you could stay…”

My whole body is tingling, her touch feels so good, but I know I really do have to get up. I lean in and we kiss again. “You can’t know how much I wish I could.”

I turn to get up, and her hand drops to my stomach and then runs up my shirt to my bare chest. “Maybe tonight, we can find a little time for us?”

I’m glowing inside and hating the fact that I have to leave, but I do. I have to. “That would be really great. I’ll be thinking about it all day now…” Another kiss, and then, “Anything I can do for you before I go, aside from the regular stuff?”

She rolls back, looking disappointed. “If you must go, but sure – can you change the bulb over the sink? It’s out and hard for me to reach.”

“Sure thing,” my feet are off the bed and I stand up. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

All day long, I can’t get the delightful feeling of my wife’s touch off my mind. I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have such an open, loving woman to go home to and I am tingly at the thought of disappearing under the covers with her at night, to laugh and touch and just feel really, really lost in love.

The end (I’m not going to let this get x rated…)

________________________

I know the above could never be the case all the time, but if it was just even occasionally this beautiful and simple, my whole outlook on the relationship would change. I know I own half the equation here and that I’m not always the man in that vignette either, but relationships aren’t solos. They are duets, and that means both players must work together to achieve harmony. The challenge is: how do you get back to harmony once discord has settled in?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this?


If you have questions, we have answers. If you’d like to ask us a relationship question, contact us through email at: advice@theguysperspective.com

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

After reading your post last week, I realized that maybe you could answer a question for me. My boyfriend and I fight occasionally. But afterwards he wants to have sex before things are resolved. And that’s about the last thing on my mind. In fact, it just makes me more upset and makes me feel kind of used. What do you think?

Jodie


Dear Jodie,

Thanks for writing, AND reading.

Well, this is spelled out in three words, Make-Up Sex! Which can be some of the most exciting action you can have as a couple. No, we’re not telling you to get in more fights, but this type of sex can often be more, um, let’s say, Animated!

But you bring up a good point. It’s all about WHEN the make-up sex actually happens. Therein lies your issue. Your boyfriend is ready much more quickly than you are.

Well, isn’t that the truth!!

Guys are generally ready faster with a lot of things, so why not with making up too?

Here’s the deal. Guys deal on a very physical level. As boys we play rough. As teens we vie on athletic fields and then in offices as we get older. We like all things physical. It’s also the way we show our affection and the way we connect with the people in our lives. For us, being physical IS the way we bond. Sure, we can connect in other ways too, we’re not as shallow as we’re portrayed in the media or in book clubs across the country, but our method of choice is to be physical………and in your case, this is how your boyfriend is trying to reconnect with you.

So your issue makes total sense to us. However, that being said, our answer doesn’t really solve your problem. Just because you understand it, doesn’t mean it’s working for you. But you’ll have to address that yourself.

The best way to introduce your concerns and feelings is when things are going well. Maybe you’re out to lunch on a Saturday afternoon, and you’re both feeling good and happy, you bring it up casually. Try to make it non-accusatory and he might actually internalize what you’re saying.

So good luck. And try to let yourself enjoy the making up part. It sounds like you two have some good chemistry and that’s a nice plus in a relationship. When he stops wanting to have make-up sex, that’s when you know you’ve really got a problem!

THE GUYS

My middle guy and I play this pumpkin counting game around Halloween. We drive around town and count all the pumpkins we see. Well actually, he does the counting and I sip my coffee and nod in encouragement. It’s a win, win. I get to relax, enjoy his company and drink my favorite cup of Joe. He gets to work on his number skills and get excited about Halloween.

The most we’ve ever counted is around 100 or so. But just today he was telling his brother about it, and he said, “Oh, this is where dad and I drive to play the pumpkin counting game. The last time I counted like, 276!”

I’m thinking, “Ahh……276 you say?!” But who am I to get in the way of boys and their one-upmanship games. This kind of stuff goes on day in and day out in my house. I don’t know where the boys learned to exaggerate, but they do it with the best of them. They’ve never heard me do it…..

Ahem…..Cough…cough…choke….choke…….

Ok, fine, so I’ve told a few tales in my life. Guys are notorious for this. It starts at an early age, with boys telling how many of this or that they have. But it quickly spirals into more complex descriptions.

“You should have seen this dog! It was bigger than a polar bear, with teeth that were like screwdrivers!”

“Oh really? A polar bear you say? With screwdriver teeth? How about a gorilla with fangs bigger than ten chain saws!?”

“Totally dude!” said with all seriousness and sensing no sarcasm.

But as boys mature into men and they “evolve” and well, change, somehow the exaggerations just get more……exaggerated!

Here’s one I heard in the past year.

“You should have seen Lebron dunk last night! I saw him do this dunk from half court!”

“Half court? Really! Amazing!” said with all seriousness. This time no sarcasm.

All THE GUYS  know it’s an exaggeration, but we don’t care. It makes the story so much more interesting. And we all somehow agree that it’s OK, at least to the level at which we deem appropriate and allowable. This level is unwritten, but we all know where it is. Anything beyond that and the Guy gets called out, and we go to You Tube to confirm.

So let’s sum this up.

1. Boys exaggerate. Anything goes. The word infinity is used a lot. Or whatever word that is currently being used as THE MOST. Gazillion comes to mind too.

2. Guys exaggerate too, but only to an agreed upon level. Anything beyond that is a crime.

So what do guys do next? They resort to exaggerations that can’t be confirmed, so they think. Alpha Male exaggerations.

This is called Bedroom Mythology.

“You should have seen her (Fill in with whatever)! Amazing! The best I’ve ever seen!”

OR

“You should have heard her scream. She said I was the best ever!”

I could go on, but you get the picture. Lots of “bests” thrown in for good measure. Of course what guys don’t realize is that the world works in circuitous ways.

His girlfriend is friends with the sister of his bosses accountant. Who also just happens to do her taxes too. Somehow the real story leaks out during a touchy audit in which the Real Member is exposed as a sex toy aptly named, “Big John.” This particular toy was deducted as a loss, which of course we all know was really a big gain. A big, NO, NO all around!

And somehow all of his buddies find out the truth! Busted!!

Because this is what guys do. They exaggerate as far as they can go without getting caught. If you give them an inch, they’ll shoot for two. So all of a sudden a modest 5 becomes 6 and then 7. Oh, c’mon…minds out of the gutter! I’m talking about how many hamburgers I ate the other day!

So I know that 276 pumpkins will, day by day, rise to over 1,000. But it’s part of being a boy. They need those skills to live in a world where bigger is always considered to be better. At least in the eyes of…….um….everyone.

Anyway, what exaggerations have you told, or have been told?

“ONE of THE GUYS”

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

Lately I’ve been having this strange sensation. After leaving the house and arriving at wherever I’m going, I say to myself, “Did I remember to wear pants?”

Seriously! I actually check myself to see. Although, by the time I arrive at my destination it’s probably a bit too late.

I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s somewhat alarming. And it seems to be part of a trend, rather than an isolated incident. I think it’s probably due to the fact that my head is so overwhelmed with life I can barely stand. Like all of you, I’m trying to juggle a family, a job and my own personal journey. This is tough to do, very tough. In fact the only way to survive this is to get rid of things.

Picture yourself on a hot air balloon that is descending quickly because of too much weight. What do you do? You start chucking stuff over the side. What goes first? Things that you brought that you really can’t use on a hot air balloon. Maybe a toaster, baseball bat, your knife collection or whatever furniture you thought would make the ride more cozy.

I’m not saying that my pants would be the first thing to go, but maybe it’s because they are something I really do need, that I fear I may have forgotten them. This is similar to dreams where you can’t find your classroom for your final exam, or forgetting to put your newborn IN the car, but instead leaving them on TOP of the car.

So many sweet moments come and go every day and I’m panicked that I’m missing them. Or I fear that they’ll never actually stick in my memory and then be long forgotten in the sea of lost moments. To me, that is TERROR, far scarier than any horror movie. Because memories are what make every wonderful moment last forever.

So maybe it is time to get rid of some things that aren’t important and “unclutter” my brain. That way I’ll be more PRESENT in everything that I do! And maybe I’ll actually start remembering things again.

And if this “uncluttering” process requires some sort of sacrifice, then why not My Pants! It seems like a small price to pay to get my memories back.

What would you be happy to sacrifice so you can remember again?

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Our world is changing fast, especially from a technological standpoint. The ability to communicate with anyone around the world has become as easy as turning on the faucet. Cell phones, email, skype and social networking sites all provide access and make the world essentially a smaller place.

So is this a good thing? We say yes for the most part, because with a larger market there are more opportunities. However, this also comes with new forms of abuse.

Privacy has taken a nose dive. It’s easy to find anyone on the planet. And if you ever had dreams of getting off the grid, you were born a century too late.

But people have been ignoring personal boundaries for a long time. These are people who either aren’t aware of personal space or ignore it to serve their own purposes. We call these people,

PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS.

They come in many forms. Some are completely harmless and others are actually quite dangerous.

Let’s take a look at these people in all their mutations.

Close Talkers: Maybe coined by the great Seinfeld episode….These are the people who cozy up to you during a conversation and spray you with saliva bombs and other debris. They are usually completely harmless and are actually quite chummy. But if you know you’re going to encounter one, plan accordingly. Bring an extra change of clothes and a face mask.

Touchers: These are people who touch to accentuate their point. It’s a way to bond. Now in some cases this is sweet and nice, but often it can get to be too much. How do you know when it’s too much? By the bruises on your arms or back the next day. But honestly they do mean well in general, unless they are really a Groper in disguise. You’ll know this when they apologize for accidentally missing your shoulder.

Big Huggers: They are in the Touchers family, but they actually have an agenda beyond bonding. Generally the rule of hugging is similar to the rule of hand shaking. It should be somewhat equal. We hate it when some GUY tries to show how manly he is by squeezing the crap out of our hand. C’mon MAN! Firm is one thing, but this is not a contest. These Big Huggers often get a thrill out of feeling another body close to them, so they squeeze and squeeze. Once again they are generally harmless, but best avoided. And they are everywhere!

Phone Solicitors: These people drove the wagons west and carved the way for the rest of the technological abusers. They call us any time of day and night with no respect for privacy or family time. Now sure, it’s their job, but at some point they might need to ask themselves, “Is it really OK to call on a Sunday night at 9pm?” There is such a thing as Karma….we think?
The general populace has been able to combat them with a variety of measures including the answering machine and caller ID. But it’s still maddening that they even make the attempt. And when you ask them to put you on the DO NOT CALL list, they are polite and sweet, but then their colleague calls you the next day feigning innocence. MORAL: Don’t answer your phone.

Spammers: We’ve been inundated with Spammers lately. We’re not sure what they are actually gaining from their actions, since we delete them as fast as they post. But they are so annoying, like persistent flies or mosquitoes, feeding off our blood.
If anyone has any advice on what Captcha to use, etc. please let us know.
Otherwise we wish we could set up a new sort of Octagon, where the Phone Solicitors and the Spammers could fight to the death. And the rest would be fed to the Stalkers.

Stalkers: These people range from creepy to dangerous and every level in between. Who are they? Possibly spurned lovers, crazies, people who are angry with their life or jealous of someone else’s life. Either way, they use every means possible to unsettle their target. It’s like a home invasion that goes on in perpetuity.
These people are savvy and smart too, using sites like Facebook to assume the identity of their target and then infiltrate his/her world. (Yes, this just happened to “Another One of The Guys.”)
They are very difficult to get rid of.

So, what to do about all this?

All of this technology allows businesses and yes even Bloggers to expand their brand and reach a wider audience, but reaching a wider audience can also mean more problems. But that shouldn’t stop any of us. We can’t let these people slow us down! So keep your radar up and don’t let them get to you.

How do you combat these Personal Space Invaders?

THE GUYS

It came to my attention that my seven year old son is the alpha male in his class. My wife and I would never use this terminology to describe him, but it was used by one of the other parents in the class.

Sure we think he’s wonderful, smart and cute, but all parents think that about their kids. And yes he’s a good athlete, but so are countless other boys and girls in his school and around the world.

But somehow he’s risen to a place where the boys follow him around and the girls giggle and stare. The funny thing is, he’s clueless. He isn’t basking in it, in fact he’s embarrassed by it. At least he’s embarrassed when my wife and I ask him about the girls. More on that later.

So what’s up with the alpha male? Is there a unique combination of qualities that make up the top dog, or is it just some sort of energy that makes it happen?

THE GUYS and I have always been surprised and intrigued by this phenomenon. Which Guy at a party or bar, emerges as the alpha? Which guy do the girls/women swoon over? Sometimes it’s obvious who it will be, and at other times it couldn’t be more puzzling. So what it is?

Here is our list. And keep in mind that different stages of life require different qualities to be the alpha. Also, we’re not describing what qualities we think guys should possess, but just what helps them rise to be alpha male.

Elementary School

1. Big
2. Good Athlete
3. Cute
4. Loud

High School

1. Cute
2. Good Athlete
3. Has own Car
4. Rumors of large member
5. Tall and/or big
6. Loud mouth party guy
7. “Bad Boy”
8. Confident

Adulthood

1. Good Looking
2. Lots of money
3. Famous
4. Tall
5. Funny…..no, really funny!
6. Smart….and turns that into a profit
7. Large member
8. Has cute girlfriend or wife
9. Rumors of lots of money
10. Confident
11. Add yours here. What do you think? Or what did we miss?

So back to my son.

We were all sitting having dinner together, which doesn’t happen as much as we’d like. Everyone was feeling quite cozy and happy. My daughter crawled up in my lap and said she wanted to marry me. So cute! Then my boys said they wanted to marry my wife. So since the topic of marriage and girls and boys was being thrown around, my wife mentioned to my son that some of the girls in his class thought he was cute.(She heard this from other parents.) She was just joking around with him. We didn’t expect him to get THAT upset.

But, he left the table crying. He was also mad and was yelling too. Then when my wife went in to talk to him he said angrily, “I feel like saying the F word!” (Discussion of the F word has been part of our house the last few weeks, since my oldest heard it on the bus.) Then all of a sudden I hear, “FUCK!” Now, I know this isn’t really funny, but the way it went down was just too hysterical. So I start laughing out loud. I mean he’s 7 and has no idea what it means! Soon my oldest son and my daughter were laughing too. My daughter had no clue what we were laughing about, but she joined in anyway. Of course my seven year old hears us and gets even madder. Then he says the funniest thing to my wife,

“And I’m definitely not going to marry you now!”

Now, I’m doubled over laughing. I mean, he’s being so serious. Please don’t scold me. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but sometimes these moments just have to be enjoyed. And yes, I went in and talked to him and apologized. Of course I tell him later that he should be glad I laughed instead of grounding him. All is good. We explained that we weren’t trying to make him feel bad by telling him girls liked him. And at some point he might actually like that girls like him. But my wife and I both promised not to bring it up again. And he promised not to use the F word.

I never was the alpha male. I think there were some moments where I was close, possibly first Lieutenant, but never the top, top. I was always jealous of the top guy; in fact all guys are.

But now I see that things at the top aren’t always perfect either, especially if you don’t want all the attention.

The things you can learn from a 7 year old!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

PS. Thanks for all your support. All my stomach tests came out normal. I’m thinking I may have an allergy or something. Seeing the doc on Tuesday to go over things.

The Bowels of Humiliation

After six weeks of strange stomach pains I finally went to see a Gastroenterologist. It’s hard for me to even type it, so you can imagine how hard it was to dial the number and make an appointment.

But at the urging of my nurse wife, I did it.

Now I know there are way scarier doctors to visit, but no doctor comes with such a mix of embarrassment, humiliation and boundary crossing than the Gastro doctor.

It is common knowledge that guys love to joke about farts and all things related to gas. But we draw the line there. All of sudden this wasn’t so funny. So here’s how it went during my first visit to the doctor.

Doctor: So what brings you here?

Me: (Thinking) C’mon give me a break. Are you serious? Do I have to say it?

Me:(Speaking) I’m having some stomach issues.

Doctor: What kind of stomach issues?

Me:(Thinking) I am going to have to say it! Damn!

Me: (Speaking) You know…um…..stomach pain and you know…

Doctor: You mean diarrhea?

Me: (Thinking) FUCK! (sorry, there’s only word word that’s appropriate.)

Me: (Talking) Yeah, diarrhea!

And the conversation only goes downhill from there. Now poop, farts and bowel jokes aren’t so funny, especially when he suggests….or ORDERS….a Colonoscopy. (To get some real answers he says.)

I’m thinking, “Isn’t that why I’m here?”

So I make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. Even the phone call is embarrassing, but I deal. I guess I don’t have to impress the secretaries or anything. But I pray that I don’t know them because the procedure is being done in the town I live in. Great!

For any of you that have never had one of these lovely exams you probably picture it and cringe. Well, guess what. The exam isn’t the problem. Sure it has it’s share of embarrassment and humiliation, but the real trial is the prep.

For those of you who have had this procedure, you know the prep is brutal. You have to cleanse, so to speak. How? This involves drinking 4 liters of the nastiest, thick liquid you can imagine. I mean, I can only stand drinking four glasses of water a day. So now I’m drinking four liters in about two hours or so. And of course every time I drink, I have to GO. Lovely! Of course, I lost about four pounds. Not that I needed to, but it could be a nice fringe benefit to focus on if you’re up for the test.

Anyway, I got through it all. Results were normal. That’s good….. Well not exactly.

Doctor: So things look good. But we don’t really have any answers, so I’m recommending you get an Endoscopy!

Me: (Thinking) Are you kidding me? Are you trying to make some extra cash to fly to Florida this winter?

Me: (Speaking) Really? Fine……ah, what’s that?

Doctor: It’s nothing compared to the last exam. You just can’t eat or drink anything after midnight.

Of course then he mentions the tube down my throat. My heart sinks. I don’t want a tube down my throat. My tonsils are so damn big, I can barely swallow a semi-chewed piece of chicken let alone a tube. But I figure, if this is my month to have tubes stuck in different orifices so be it. Let’s just get it over with!

Then I think, “Is this what women are thinking when their guy asks them for certain…ah….um…..requests.” God, I hope not.

But now that I’ve endured The Backdoor. And now about to have Pie Hole Donor I begin to wonder???

Well, I get through it. Actually, more like I sleep through it. Afterwards my wife and I meet the doctor and he says everything looks good. I think, “Great.” Once again, good and bad news.

Doctor: There’s just one more test we should do to be completely thorough.

Me: (Thinking) I’m going to beat this dude to a pulp soon.

Me: (Speaking) What is it?

Doctor: It’s called a Small Bowel Series.

Me: (Speaking) Fine. Let’s finish this.

Doctor: This is the easiest test yet.

However, there’s nothing SMALL about this test. No, it’s not that bad, but it’s still humiliating. Why?

My test was in the radiology department at the local hospital. The place has been pretty good to us. Our daughter was born there, so I don’t mind it that much.

They’re on time, which is even better. I get called. The nurse says I have to change out of my jeans and put on a jimmy and robe. I unhappily comply. Then they take an initial picture of my intestines and I’m good to go. No, not leave. Now for the good part. I get to drink the Barium. What’s that? Barium is a chalky white, thick substance that helps them see your insides easier. It’s not pleasant, but at least it’s not two liters. More like drinking two sodas, except it takes like chalky shit.

Then I go get another picture taken to see where the Barium is in my system. The nurse says, “It’s still in your stomach. The best thing you can do is walk around to get your system moving.”

Me: What do you mean?

Nurse: Just walk around this little loop.

Me: (Thinking) Are you freakin nuts!?? I have to walk around the hospital in my freakin’ Jimmy!!! When does the humiliation end?

So now two other patients and I are doing laps around this loop in the hospital. We pass each other and nod and smile.

Can we say, AWKWARD!

Basically, we’re all walking around waiting for this white, thick, mucousy substance to pass through our stomachs and into our bowels.

Can we also say, TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

So I start walking faster. Screw this. I start lapping these other patients and I stop smiling at them. I mean business.

Then the one patient says to me, “The faster you walk the slower it works.”

I think, “Are you seriously talking to me? We’re not at a party dude, we’re walking around in a public place in our hospital pajamas. Please don’t talk to me!”  I feel like saying, “Oh, stick a tube in your damn pie hole!” But I just nod and half smile. Sometimes I’m too damn polite! BUT……………………………

I win. I get called first and I’m outta there ten minutes later. He’s still walking when I leave. SUCKER!!!

Of course, I then have to deal with the aftermath. Chalky fireworks. But hey, at least it’s in the comfort of my own bathroom.

No results yet, but I’ll stop now. You all must be pooped by now!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

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