The Guy’s Perspective

From: THE GUYS

People have been coming to our site with questions, and sadly we haven’t had all the answers. Here are some recent examples.

How to take a sophomore to the Prom?

How to talk to a guy after a fight?

How to paralyze someone? (Huh? This still makes us laugh and cringe!)

So to help out our readers, we decided to start our own How To series. Let’s begin.

The art of conversation has taken a nosedive in recent years. Why? We’re out of practice. Technology has had a lot to do with this, since we use our devices to do much of the talking for us. But really the blame lies with us, because we’ve stopped valuing face-to-face communication.

At an early age we learn how to converse from our parents. We observe their body language as they discuss household chores. We watch them handle sensitive topics like who’s night is it to be up with the baby. We see how they argue, and hopefully resolve problems. It’s a complicated and delicate dance for sure, and difficult to learn. But it takes a lot of time and practice. Hopefully this guide will help you become aware of the finer points of good conversation, and get you started on your way to becoming an artful conversationalist, or maybe just a little less boring.

Let’s pretend you’re meeting someone new or you’re on a first date. Here are ten things that might help you keep it interesting, or at least yawn free.

1. Greet the person with a smile. Getting off to the right start is key to having a good conversation. Smiling breaks the ice and lets the person know you’re happy to see them, or at least eager to get to know them. Otherwise they start to think, “Do I have a furry woodland creature coming out of my nose? And I don’t even have a tissue.”

2. Keep eye contact. And that doesn’t mean bore a hole through their head. You don’t want to scare them right away. Save that for later when you tell them about your latest stint in rehab. This means, look at them when they’re speaking, or for that matter, when you’re speaking. And please don’t constantly glance at the big flat screen TV or the cute waiter or waitress. Those are big No Nos!

3. Ask them questions that are relevant. Whether you care about the topic being discussed or not is irrelevant, because the primary goal is to get to know the person better. If they’re discussing Yoga passionately ask them to tell you their morning routine, or what is their favorite pose, or what would be something good for a beginner to try. Don’t ask them to show you Downward-Facing Dog, or what they look like in their outfit, or if all Yoga people use Patchouli, or how does the mat feel on their soft skin. That’s creepy and pretty much a conversation stopper!

4. Don’t redirect. We like to talk about ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, flipping the conversation to give yourself a platform for pontificating about your Iron Man training or your Dog Grooming business won’t win you a new fan. If you feel it’s relevant to interject a personal experience about the topic at hand that is completely appropriate, but then please redirect back to them. Sorry did I say, don’t redirect?

5. Read their body language. This isn’t always easy, so here are some tips. If the person has tears dripping down their face, it’s best to stop talking about your fascinating Cigar or Porcelain Figurine collections. If they keep looking at their water glass like it should be in the Louvre, it’s best you stop talking about your last partner’s annoying habit of picking the calluses off their feet. And if your friend starts to look at the waiter or waitresses or the big screen TV, even without SOUND, it’s best to ask them a relevant question quickly.

6. Listen. No, for real. Listen!! This doesn’t mean, listen for the first opening to inject some clever quip. This means listen, and show them you are interested in what they’re saying by looking at them(#2), and asking them relevant questions(#3). Listening is an art form in itself. It takes practice. So practice on your buddies, or on your boss, but don’t go out on dates to practice listening, unless you like going on a lot of first dates.

7. Show that you’re interested. This goes along with listening. One way to show interest in what they are talking about is to use their name when you ask them a question. “Jane/Jon, I heard that apples bring on physical reactions during allergy season. Is that true?” Of course they’d better be talking about some sort of homeopathic remedy to ask a question like that. (Remember, keep it relevant!) Using a person’s name is very effective and will immediately tell the person you are focused only on them. Some other obvious things. Eye contact(#2). And body language(#5). Don’t slouch, glance or pick anything. Sit upright and maybe even lean forward a bit and nod your head. One Word of Caution. You are not auditioning for a play. Don’t overact or overuse any of these things, or you’ll win the “Worst Impression of a Conversationalist” at the next SAG awards.

8. Don’t share too much. By all means tell the person about yourself. They want to get to know you too. But don’t get too personal. You don’t have to share about those funny spots that cover your neck beneath your turtleneck, or the time you and some friends woke up naked inside the science museum, or the fact that you tend to yell out “mommy” when you sleep. These are things best left to mention after you’re married.

9. Show you have a sense of humor. It helps if you are funny, but that doesn’t mean telling jokes. This is not a comedy act and your friend is not your audience. You can certainly try to inject funny remarks or a few humorous stories into the conversation. It’s even OK to gently tease your friend. Teasing is a form of flirting and can be very attractive, but please be subtle. Don’t make fun of any physical features, or their family or friends. Another note of caution. Don’t try to be funny if you’re not. You can always show you know how to have a good time by laughing with them. Which brings us to our last point.

10. Be yourself. Be genuine. Don’t change the way you do things just to make a good impression. If you’re not one to talk a lot, then listen a ton and ask questions. If you’re used to dominating conversations, then get your friend involved. The best you can do is show the person you are interested and let them know who you are.

Conclusion: Avoid the yawn. This is your goal for the entire night. Once your new friend yawns the night’s over. It doesn’t matter if they say they’re tired, or they had a  long day at work. Those are all nice ways of saying, “Check please.”

So relax and have a good time. You might be surprised at how stimulating a good conversation can be.

If not you can always go home and play with your ipad.

Do you have any funny, scary, horrible or awesome conversations you would like to share with everyone?

Or do you have any more advice on how to have a conversation?

From: THE GUYS

Relationships are complicated dances of give and take, and compromise. We don’t mean compromising values, but more a willingness to budge,  just a little, when the issue at hand is not really that important. Otherwise the music stops and the dance is over.

Here are some examples of budging from our point of view.

Us: Do we really have to go to this thing?

You: (Give us THE LOOK)

Us: Yes, we’d love to go to your best friend’s dog grooming party.

OR

You: Honey, look at this. (You point to the newspaper.) There’s a great discussion on Wild Flowers happening on the Nature Walk trail this weekend.

Us: (We give YOU the LOOK)

You: (Ignore us) And?

Us: (Pause to see if you’ll cave in….you don’t…..) Sure, that sounds great. We’ll just take an extra Sudafed for our allergies.

OR FINALLY

You: I’ve got nothing to wear.

Us: What about all the clothes in your closet?

You: Those are all old and out of style. And they don’t fit. And they don’t look good anymore. And I don’t like them. And I want some new clothes.

Us: But..?

You: Will you come shopping with me? I need help.

Us: (Grinding our teeth quietly) Sure. Fine. Maybe we can go to the mall and eat at the Food Court?

You: The mall? Are you kiddin? I don’t want to go to the mall. Let’s go downtown.

Us: But aren’t those shops way more expensive?

You: So? What are you trying to say?

Us: Um, nothing……sounds great.

Us: (Thinking) Great, we can forget about the 72″ Flat screen.

But we also know the women in our lives compromise for us too. This is what we think you pretend to like. Or at least tolerate for us.

Going to our company BBQ.

Watching us come in last place in the Elks Lodge Bowling Tournament every year, while being stuck talking with “Marty,” the friendly host who smells like Cigars and Sardines.

Playing video games with us. Watching football. Going camping.

Having a little romp with us on a night you’re tired, even though you’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Glee.”

These examples are all mentioned in fun, but actually compromising CAN lead to new experiences and new knowledge. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to know about which Wild Flowers are edible and which aren’t. It might come in handy if we ever accompany Bear Grylls on a segment of “Man vs. Wild.” And knowing how to groom a Poodle might save us some serious money if we ever actually own a dog. But most importantly, compromise can lead to a better understanding of the other person, which leads to good will, and ultimately a stronger bond.

However we do have one slight problem. Although we understand compromise is important, we’re still not sure about the dance part. Although we’d secretly like to get better.

So when you bring up taking a dance class together, we “slow play” it, hoping if we pretend to not be that interested, we can get you to join the couples poker night we’ve been begging you to…….WOW!….Our bluff works! You agree. We’re now feeling a bit overconfident.  So we try to get one more raise from you.

Us: (Sweetly) Do think we can we get that flat screen TV now?

You: Don’t push it buddy!

No, you’re no fool. And that’s the real reason why we love you!

______________________________________________

What do you compromise for your partner? Why?

What do you think they compromise for you?

My daughter asked me today, “Why do dogs smell each other’s butts? (She pauses to ponder……) That’s weird.” (Commences to giggle)

I really didn’t have any great response to that. I mean she only just turned six. And to me it seems pretty self-explanatory. Or maybe I should say, self-exploratory. Or self-olfactory for that matter.

Either way, dogs, animals, people are into sniffing and smells. The olfactory sense may be the mightiest of all the senses; one that can transport you back in time faster than you can say…. I mean, smell, Cheese!

Growing up, my street was lined with huge maple trees that gave off a sweet aroma, especially during the hot summer nights. I didn’t realize it was actually the trees I was smelling, until I was walking in a quaint New England town a few years ago and stopped in my tracks. “What is that smell?” I said to my wife. She said, “I think it’s that tree” pointing to a huge maple tree. And sure enough, that’s exactly what it was. And at that moment, I closed my eyes and there I was, riding no-handed down my street, with a baseball card clicking in my spokes, feeling the wind and my freedom.

But smells tell us much more than that. They tell us if we’re attracted to someone; or if we’re compatible with them physically. That’s why many Guys don’t like it when a woman covers herself from head to foot with various forms of aerosol spray. This is just too confusing to most guys. And it makes any sort of “evaluation” difficult. OK, that sounded bad, but it’s true. Strange, unnatural scents are usually a sign that something is amiss. And that protective mechanism has been programmed  into us from the beginning, when we needed the ability to figure out which berries were safe to eat, the red ones or the orange ones.

So doesn’t it seem to make sense that we should adapt the ways of the dog? Doesn’t sniffing each other seem like a much easier way to figure out if you like someone? Forget first date jitters, second date apprehension and third date expectations, just take a sniff and get the answers you’re looking for. And wouldn’t it save us all from trying to make conversation, which can certainly be challenging at times.

But if you feel that sniffing before you know someone is a bit impolite, you could always ask first, although I’m not so sure how this would go over. “Excuse me, but would you mind if I just sniffed your butt? You know, just to see if we’re compatible?”

Yes, you might get a smack upside your head, but hey, that’s not the worst pick up line I’ve heard.

“One of The Guys”

What is your favorite sense? Why?

Do smells conjure up vivid memories?

What’s the worst pick up line you’ve used, or heard?

Do you think we should adapt the ways of the dog?

From: “One of The Guys”

Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.

Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.

But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??

You ready for this.

I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.

Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)

Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.

You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.

Confused?

Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.

But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious  human beings.

Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.

So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.

And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.

Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.

So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?

Every morning we check to see who’s searching for THE GUYS. We’re curious to know what type of information people are looking for. Unfortunately many people come to our site and leave immediately because we aren’t providing the information they are seeking. So we’d like to address that here, by answering the last batch of  “search questions.”

Here are ten recent searches in no particular order. We’ll do our best to address each one.

1. “Lick my boyfriend’s feet”

Now let’s clarify.  Does he want you to lick his feet and you don’t know how? Or do you want to lick his feet and you’re not sure how to ask him? Either way it’s not something we recommend doing on the first or second date, especially if he’s just getting over a case of athlete’s foot, or hasn’t filed down his corns. You might want to broach the subject after a few glasses of wine; make that a few bottles.

2. “How to tell if you’re being played”

Didn’t we answer this already? Read it here.

3. “Finding a guy who can handle my neediness”

The fact that you’re asking the question should tell you something.  No man or woman truly wants to be with someone who’s needy. Sure we can all feel needy from time to time, especially when the balance is off in our relationship, but if you’re a needy person and you know it, maybe you need to ask yourself, “Why am I so needy?” Address that first and then come back and visit. You might find some other answers you’re looking for here.

4. “Alpha males and chores”

Are you saying your man doesn’t want to do chores because he’s an alpha male? If so, who anointed him? But honestly, we really don’t care who he is. Tell his butt to get up and pull his weight. However, the bottom line is, if you married this man BECAUSE  he was an alpha male, good luck. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Sorry.

5. “Alpha males never marry”

What’s with the alpha male questions? OF COURSE the stereotypical alpha male gets married. And then he cheats with strippers from Vegas. Sound familiar?

6. “Bad things happen to comic book guy”

What?

7. Best way to paralyze a person

Um, excuse me? Did you just ask what we think you asked? We’re not sure what’s more alarming, the question, or the fact that Google sent you to our site.

8. “Blow job from a guy’s perspective”

C’mon, this is not a “How-to” site, although maybe it should be. (We’ll percolate on that one.) As for your question, we think you can figure this one out on your own, or by watching the 20 million videos covering the topic.

9. “Guy did not hold the door for me.”

Is this your boyfriend or some random guy? It’s our feeling that common courtesy is on the downswing, mainly because people are so busy, stressed and wrapped up in their own worlds to notice the other people around them. If this is your boyfriend just say to him, “If you don’t hold the door for me, I won’t lick your feet anymore!” That should do the trick.

10. Dating two guys at once

Not sure what you’re looking for here. Permission?

And there you have it. Please feel free to add to any of our explanations. And if you truly have a question for THE GUYS, please email us at:

advice@theguysperspective.com

Happy Licking!!