The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend went to Vegas almost 2 months ago and he left with my full trust. When he came back he wouldn’t show me the pictures he took there which was odd because he would always show me pictures of his trips. I thought he was hiding something from me so when I got a hold of the pictures, I found one of him and his very good friend, which is a girl, sleeping in the same bed. I knew someone was gonna sleep next to him but I didn’t expect them to be cuddling. I confronted him about the picture and he said they had passed out but I don’t think that’s an excuse to be cuddling like that. I feel like he likes her even though he tells me they are just friends and have been for 5 yrs. But I can’t get past the picture and how flirty they act around each other. So is it possible that he has a thing for her but won’t admit it or that he really isn’t into her?

Sylvia

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks for writing. Obviously you read last week’s post about friendships with people of the opposite sex. And while we wholeheartedly feel that this type of relationship is possible, your situation is a bit different.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but if either one of them is in a committed relationship the rules change a bit. This would mean absolutely no trips together, and especially to Vegas. That’s your first red flag. Why weren’t you invited? And why did he think it was okay to take a trip and sleep in the same bed with this so called friend? Whether he did anything or not is almost irrelevant. It’s an odd, but telling choice by him.

Friendships shouldn’t impinge upon the emotional connection a person has with his or her partner. And if your boyfriend is leaning on his “friend” to provide him with this type of emotional connection, he must not be getting it from you. Or maybe he feels like he can be more himself and that’s why he likes hanging out with her? Whatever the case may be, we feel his behavior and this relationship is inappropriate while he’s in a relationship with you.

So now you have to figure out what you’re going to do. The first question you need to ask is, “Will you be able to truly trust him again?”

If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Time to move on.

If the answer is yes, then you have to ask yourself some other questions.

“Am I okay with him being friends with this woman or any other woman?”

“Am I willing to have a serious talk with him to talk about boundaries?”

“Am I willing to voice my feelings before any situation escalates out of control?”

“Am I truly happy, or am I settling for a guy and a situation I’m not completely comfortable with?”

“Why am I allowing this guy to behave however he wants?”

We don’t like to actually tell you what to do, but you have every right to feel concerned, suspicious and upset. The fact that he didn’t want to show you the pictures should tell you something. And he shouldn’t be sleeping with or cuddling with anyone else. Of course you probably shouldn’t have looked at the pictures without his permission, but that’s moot now. The bottom line is, he behaved inappropriately and frankly we wouldn’t be comfortable in this type of relationship. He’s certainly proven himself to be untrustworthy, and is clearly not telling you the whole story.

So yes it’s possible he’s into this girl, but if it’s not her it could be someone else. The biggest issue is his behavior in a committed relationship. Clearly he doesn’t view your relationship as seriously as you do.

Good luck sorting this out. And please check back and read the comments for more opinions. And believe us, you’ll get some!

THE GUYS

Back in full force for Round 2! And coming soon to itunes.

In this show:

“Ask the Guys” We try to save Jeff from Chick Flick purgatory, by offering our picks. Otherwise he’ll be banned to the garage for the third cleaning this month.

“Father Stories” This is just what dad’s do! A late night camping story.

“Stream of Consciousness” From Hybrid Cars, to toothpicks, to Iron Man. THE GUYS take a circuitous route and end up where they started…..kind of.

“The Meat” Do guys take walks together? Do we dare reveal who we really are!? An extension of the topic introduced on our blog.

Next Podcast: Friendships with the opposite sex, plus some new segments!

TGP Podcast Episode 2: Flicks, Friends, and Father Knows Best [ 49:29 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

From: One of the Guys

Thank you dear readers for your great feedback and comments on our last post. Although some of you cited examples of pockets of men walking together, the consensus seems to be that men do not in fact walk together much, unless they’re at work. Most of you agreed, it’s not the walking piece that’s uncomfortable, it’s the talking piece that COMES with the walking. Many men just aren’t that comfortable opening up with other men.

But let’s continue this discussion of friendship for a bit and talk about some other types of friendships.

My wife is my best friend. I cherish our relationship. But I also am thankful for my other friendships with men and women. Not having to rely on my wife to provide me with all my emotional support only nurtures our relationship. My friendships actually energize and rejuvenate me, and that positive energy is something I bring to my relationship with my wife and kids. And frankly it’s a lot of pressure to be the “all and everything” for your partner. I think too many women bear that burden.

In previous relationships I would often put friendships on hold for a while. The giddiness of the new relationship was partly to blame, but also my fear that the new person might get jealous if I went out with THE GUYS, or THE GALS. But after a while this just did not sit right with me. I decided that I am who I am, and that includes all my friends.

But having friendships outside our main relationship is a delicate balance for sure. It’s a question of WHY do we have these relationships? And that is often what causes strife in the primary relationship.

Friendships can provide pieces that are missing in a primary relationship, but really they should enhance them or complement them. And since I discussed friendships with GUYS in the last post, I want to focus more on friendships with members of the opposite sex.

For me, my friendships with women provide me with new perspectives. If I have a question about something that’s going on in my life, I love hearing their opinions. I also think that conversations with women are just different. They digress in different ways, and they meander to and fro in more circuitous routes, which I enjoy. But these friendships don’t replace the deep connections I have at home, otherwise that would be a problem. Like I said, this is where people run into trouble.

When I see a man and a woman together, and if they’re relatively the same age, I usually assume they are together in some capacity; I mean romantically. It’s my first gut reaction. So I assume when I’m out with a girlfriend having coffee or lunch that people might think the same thing. And that’s why I rarely have dinner with a girlfriend because I don’t want to give people the wrong impression, especially people I know. Dinner usually connotes romance. That’s why I always tell some of the single GUYS, “Forget coffee, just ask her out to dinner, and that way if she says yes, you both know it’s a date.”  So dinner for me is something I avoid if I’m out with a woman friend. I just would never want to represent my family or wife in a potentially embarrassing way. (Well, sometimes it’s not possible. Just ask her about the last party we went to. But I digress.)

Having friendships outside of a primary relationship is important, but we must be sensitive and aware in order to do this. So for me, my wife knows all my friends. I made a point of introducing her, so she could not only know who I’m hanging out with, but also know these people are not a threat to her at all. In fact, she is now friends with some of these people, which is very nice.

Friendships help me see the world from many different viewpoints. And these deep connections have helped me evolve, and will help me continue to evolve through the stages of my life.

What about you?

Do you have friendships outside of your primary relationship?

How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it possible?

How do you feel about your partner having friends outside of your relationship? And what about with members of the opposite sex?

Any other thoughts about friendship?

Feel free to answer none, one or all of these questions.

We’ll be discussing this more on upcoming podcasts.

Here are some recent questions and inquiries for THE GUYS. Two are actual questions and two were searches. We felt they were pretty straightforward so we decided to put them all in one post.

If you’d like to get THE GUYS delivered to your door please subscribe to either the blog or podcast or both. Thanks.

Question 1:

If a guy talks to you on and off, going through little stages such as talks to you a whole bunch, smiles at you, tells you he thinks you’re cute. Then suddenly he stops talking to you, stops smiling at you, then all together stops talking to you, and then ignores you, then goes for my friend, what in the hell does this even mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys: Unfortunately this means this guy is a scoundrel. Of course you don’t say how old he is, so it could just be that he’s young and confused. A young guy is like a squirrel that comes across a yard full of nuts and flits around from one to the other, not knowing which to store first. It’s baffling to us too, and we’re Guys. So our best advice to you is move on, don’t be discouraged, and find yourself some wholesome nerd who will treat you right.

Question 2:

How big is the tooth fairy?

Guys: In our best estimation the tooth fairy is small enough to covertly sneak into houses, but strong enough to carry a whole lot of money around. Of course these days with the value of the dollar plummeting, money isn’t that heavy, so the tooth fairy truly could be a tiny little thing. The best thing to do is keep your eyes closed and sleep. From what we little we know on the subject, the tooth fairy won’t come if you’re awake. So ask yourselves this question. Would you rather be knowledgeable or rich?

Question 3:

My date sniffed me. Why?

Guys: Sniffed you where? And was it audible? Look, what’s wrong with a good sniff? That means he’s way into you. You might have an issue if he comes in the bathroom while you’re reading a magazine and takes a huge sniff and says, “That made my day.” (Although that might not even be a deal breaker. And do females even do that?) Guys do the “darndest” things. We’d say, enjoy the attention.

Question 4:

What if a guy asked me to slow dance at the prom?

Guys: Is this your date? We’re assuming that it is. What we think you’re asking is, “What can I expect during a slow dance at the prom?” If this is the case, you can expect exactly what you’re worried about; a slow moving tubular object that hardens as it creeps up your leg. Sorry, not much else to say. Don’t be too frightened, it’s pretty normal.

If you have questions for the guys, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out the archives on that same page for previous questions and/or topics we’ve addressed. And yes, we do answer serious questions too.

We also answer questions on our Podcast.

It’s our first at bat and we come out swinging.

In this show:
“Ask the Guys” (“I found my boyfriend of thirteen years using three dating websites!” We do our best to offer up some practical advice. )
“Father Stories” (Dancing Dads, Herbie Hancock and Car Captivity Communing… It will all make sense, we promise.)
“Stream of Consciousness” (We spin the big wheel and it looks like it’s going to be… Follow our meandering minds.)
“The Meat” (Etiquette, Netiquette, Schmetiquette. Navigating our all too connected lives.)
“Youth is wasted on the Young” (We talk tattoos and trends.)

Listen now:

TGP Episode 1: Technology, Trends, and Tattoos [ 1:03:32 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Readers,

Before we begin our post, we want to thank you for your patience as we transition to our new site. We’ve had a few delays, but hopefully things are squared away now. Our first podcast should be up tomorrow.

To subscribe to our blog or podcast please use the buttons on the right side of each page. If something is still amiss please contact us to let us now, like many of you did today. We appreciate that greatly!

THE GUYS

From: One of The Guys

This is a true story from a friend of mine.

He and his wife are in couple’s counseling. Not to repair any major damage, but to keep the communication open and help them understand each other better. He calls it a proactive approach, similar to exercising and eating right instead of going to the doctor for high blood pressure and adult onset diabetes.

So they walk into the office, and the therapist has a dog in the room.

Therapist: Don’t worry he’ll just lie here. If he causes any problem I’ll remove him.

My friend and his wife: That’s fine.

So the session goes on and the dog is actually a problem. He starts chewing on an empty plastic coke bottle causing a huge ruckus. Then the dog starts whining for a while. But the final straw is when the dog starts humping the therapist’s leg. Finally he removes him.

Therapist: I’m really sorry about that. Now my reputation is going to be ruined.

My Friend and Wife: Oh it’s fine. No worries. He wasn’t that bad.

I’m laughing as he’s recounting the story to me. He said the dog was sweet, but also kind of annoying too. Then it dawned on me.

Me: That was all a ruse.

Him: What do you mean?

Me: That dog wasn’t misbehaving.

Him: What are you talking about?

Me: The dog was the therapist.

Him: What? Have you lost it.

Me: NO, seriously. The dog was the therapist.

Him: Now I’m totally confused.

Me: Isn’t it obvious?

Him: You’ve lost me.

Me: Listen. First of all, the dog plays with the coke bottle while you’re talking. What does it mean? It could mean two things. He’s telling you to stop using your wife’s stuff or maybe just listen better. Next. The dog doesn’t stop whining. Well, remember how much you bitched last week because you had to go grocery shopping a few times. Maybe you should just be more agreeable. Finally. The dog starts humping the guy’s leg. He’s telling you to slow down. You need to warm up your wife before you try to get some action. You know, a little wine, some good conversation, maybe a back rub or a foot massage.

Him: It was a dog you moron.

Me: I’m just stating the obvious.

Him: Remind me not to share any more stories with you.

Me: I’m just saying, I don’t know a lot of women that enjoy being humped in the leg.

Him: I’m outta here.

What do you think your pet is trying to tell you?

What do you wish your pet would tell your spouse or partner?

Is there something you’d like to change about your partner but have a hard time telling him or her?