The Guy’s Perspective

Dear Guys,
Well, I have a best friend who I really like, but I don’t know how to tell him. We have been talking a lot and I’ve been getting mixed signs from him. Like he’ll just step out of his way for nothing to try and get next to me or talk to me. It’s a bit more complicated than just that. He used to date my other best friend and I don’t know what to do. We don’t keep in touch like I do with the guy I like, but she and I still talk and I feel a bit guilty.

I really like this guy and I have a lot of trouble trying to get him to understand that since I’m really shy about my feelings especially if it’s concerning a guy I like. How can I tell him I like him without causing my friend to dislike me?

Thanks,

Adrastea

Dear Adrastea,

Thanks for writing.

Good for you for caring about your friend’s feelings. In this “ME FIRST” world, that’s refreshing to hear.

Here’s the bad news. If you want to pursue this guy, it’s possible you are going to upset your girlfriend. That’s not for certain, but it might happen.

If you’re feeling guilty, why don’t you call her up and ask her out to lunch. Talk with her. Tell her that you really like her ex, but you don’t want to ruin the friendship you have with her. She may not even care, especially if she’s moved on and is dating someone else. Either way she’ll appreciate your honesty and that you cared enough about her to let her know. We’re not saying ask for her permission. You don’t have to do that. But if you value the relationship you have with her, it’s worth talking to her.

Like we said, you can’t control other people’s reactions. If you spend your life worrying about how your actions impact everyone around you, you are going to be an unhappy camper. It’s great to be aware how your decisions affect others, but sometimes you just have to do what makes you happy. (We realize this goes against our original statement, but it’s all about finding the right balance.)

We’re sure you’ll do what’s right. You have a good heart Adrastea.

Good luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Hello Guys,
My name is Stephanie and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in the military so of course we are apart most of the time. Things were great at the beginning, but we went through some rough times. We got through them though.

I found out he had cheated on me and I forgave him. He promised to change and he did. I deployed, and well our relationship became very distant, and I ended up cheating on him, and he found out about it as well. He told me we would work through it, and we did. However I kept in contact with this other guy for a while and my boyfriend told me to stop all communication with him. I told him I would but I didn’t. So this in fact brought more problems to our relationship. So I eventually cut off communication with this guy and I have been trying to prove myself to my boyfriend ever since.

However, I feel that he has become very distant towards me. He is busy with work, but he does not seemed to be bothered by the fact that I am scared for our relationship. He tells me everything is fine, and that I am just paranoid!
I find myself bringing up things that start an argument between us, and then we get upset and end up not speaking to each other for days.

I am supposed to go see him in about 2 weeks and I’m excited but scared at the same time. He always tells me that we are fine and that I need to stop with all the accusations and talk about us not being okay because we are.
He says that the reason he is distant is because I always want to argue and he is tired of it. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

He says that he is still in love with me and that he obviously does love and care about me. I’m just confused. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if this is really over??

Can someone please give me some advice.

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Thanks for writing.

Your relationship is only over when you decide you don’t want to try anymore, or if your boyfriend decides he doesn’t want to try anymore. What’s happened is that the trust between the two of you has been damaged by both of your indiscretions. That type of damage can last a long time, even if you’ve worked through a lot of it. Earning back trust can take years, and often it’s never earned back. Feel good that you’ve both forgiven each other. Most couple don’t get that far.

The long distance nature of your relationship also adds to the overall feeling of insecurity and uncertainty you’re feeling. You have to rely on words alone, not body language, or a daily hug, or anything else that might make you feel more certain about the relationship. And when trust has already been breached, the distance only exacerbates the problem.

So the question is, do you believe what he’s saying? And that’s solely up to you Stephanie. He sounds sincere when he says he still loves you. But do you believe him?

We can understand why he doesn’t want to argue anymore. Arguing is exhausting, emotionally and physically, and if that’s all you’re doing right now, that’s even more exhausting. Once again the distance just amplifies this, because communication is being done by phone, Skype, email or text. Once you hang up, or finish the last email, you are both left feeling sad and lonely, with no one to process with. That’s tough.

You two need to do some talking that’s for sure. However, you also need to remember that you love each other. What we mean is, you need to remember WHY you fell for each other in the first place. This means, enjoying each other’s company WITHOUT fighting or arguing, at least for this next visit.

So maybe you need to trust the words he’s saying and just try to enjoy your upcoming visit. If you’re truly going to be together, you don’t need to hash everything out when you see him in a few weeks. Try having some fun, and postpone all the heavy stuff for another time. Celebrate what brought you together in the first place. But make a pact that at some date in the near future you’re going to discuss your relationship. That should not be ignored, and he should be on board with this. You in particular need to process how you’re feeling, and he should respect that and be open to it. But you also need to respect that he’s tired of arguing, and try to be a little lighter, at least for now.

If you still love him Stephanie, you owe it to yourself to keep trying. After this upcoming visit, you’ll have a much better sense of how you feel, and how he feels. We can’t say whether it will work out or not, but you won’t have any regrets, and that’s all you can really ask of yourself in this life.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

I am in need of advice on how to best help my guy who is dealing with the difficult task of finding a job where there are no longer jobs.  He lives in another city and we have been in a relationship for the past year which is working out great. However, he is becoming more and more frustrated at not being able to locate the kind of job he is qualified for in the area where he lives.  Today he was hoping to get hired at a job which he interviewed for last week and was told today that they hired in-house. I do not know how to help him through this or what to say or do?  I told him I am here for him.  I do not want to say or do the wrong thing to make him withdraw from me.

What are your thoughts…

Thanks for your help,

Pam

Dear Pam,

Thanks for your note. These are difficult times for many folks who are out of work.

Men often define themselves by their job, especially if they enjoy what they’re doing, or if they’re making a lot of money. And when things don’t go well, these guys struggle the most. It’s not just a matter of financial security, but also emotional well being, and sense of self. These feelings can snowball into frustration, anger, and depression. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Your guy may, or may not, want to talk with you about his struggles. But your “job” is to listen as best you can. Many guys will just keep it all inside, because to speak it out loud, is to admit weakness and defeat-similar to guys who won’t ask for directions even when they’re hopelessly lost. So be supportive by letting him know you love him, and that you’re there for him. (It sounds like you’re already doing this.)

If you want to actively help, we would suggest doing small things. If you happen to see a job listing he might be interested in forward it to him. Or if you have a connection he might benefit from talking to, mention it to him. But be careful here, this could backfire. He might be very open to it, but he also might think you’re coddling him and resent you.

So the best thing to do Pam, is to talk to him, especially before you try to help him out. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him what he’d like from you. He certainly doesn’t want you feeling sorry for him, but he will appreciate knowing that you’re there, and that you care. He probably already does, and may or may not be expressing this to you. Ask him if he’d like your help.  And if he doesn’t, drop it. Also keep in mind, that since you’re his girlfriend, he might take his frustration out on you. People sometimes do this with the people they are closest with. If this happens, try to be patient, but also let him know that you’re trying to help, and that his situation impacts you as well, because you care.

And finally we would say, the little things help. When you visit, try to focus on having lots of fun, but without spending tons of money. Maybe plan some outings, like a hike with a picnic, or dinner at home, with something “special” planned for dessert. You get the idea. He’ll appreciate the distraction.

Just be yourself Pam. That’s really all you can do. If you’re relationship is solid, built on trust, respect and good communication, you’ll weather this hard time.

Good luck to you and him. We’re hoping for the best for both of you.

Keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like  having the work  done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.

What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?

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Our Show:

Pet Peeves: “Bad Drivers” and “Is this still a martini?” (Check out: The McNuggetini Girls)

Ask the Guys: Love connection disconnect

Father Stories: Lessons in Guns

Stream of Consciousness: Tomatoes, Vampires, and Hobbits

THE MEAT: Curse of the Bad Boy

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Dear Guys,

Not to be vain, but I’m a pretty girl…not big on the whole pound of make-up and constantly picture perfect thing, but it seems like every guy I’m interested in always says the same thing first…they like my style, or they like my personality…
I always thought that if a guy says that he’s not genuinely interested, just attracted enough to screw…any way, my question is, what does it mean when a guy right off the bat says “I really like your personality…”

Craigory

Dear Craigory,

Thanks for your question.

This statement, “I like your personality,” is not the kiss of death that women think it is. Context is everything here. Most guys aren’t going to come right out and tell you you’re beautiful, or that they want to get you in bed, so they might say, “I really like your personality.” That’s a safe way to approach you. It’s all part of the game.

It is possible they actually do like your style. Maybe you have a certain flair that’s undeniable, and one that guys notice right away. That’s a good thing! Wouldn’t you prefer they liked you for a combination of traits rather than just your looks? So be happy that you have much to offer.

However, when guys talk to their buddies it’s a whole different story. Every stereotype you’ve ever heard about guys is true in this case. We want to know about looks first. Is she hot? Is she cute? How’s her body? We want specifics. It’s just a curiosity thing. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about other qualities in women, it’s just that our prehistoric roots enter the equation when we talk amongst ourselves.

Finally, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Don’t change, or act differently just to get a guy to like you. Celebrate your uniqueness, pursue the things that make you happy. Your happiness and zest for life will shine through. And truly those are the most attractive qualities anyone can have.

All the best.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

Okay so there’s this guy at my school who I’ve known since second grade. We used to be best friends in elementary but now he’s just mean to me, stares, and comments rudely on almost everything I do. I’m not the only one who catches him staring at me because he does it a lot. Sometimes even the teacher will tease him about it. He also gets jealous when I talk to other guys, and so he interrupts. But he’s in a different social status than me, him being more popular than me, and being known as a jerk to most. But then people never really knew him like I did. I’m confused on whether he really likes me or not.

Jesse

Dear Jesse,

Thanks for writing.

Understanding the psyche of a high school boy is like trying to understand the weather. Thousands of meteorologists around the world try to predict the weather every day and they usually only get it right 50% of the time, and that’s if they’re good.

It is possible-and maybe likely-this old friend of yours likes you, but as far as we’re concerned it doesn’t matter. You need to take him at face value. He’s mean to you. He doesn’t treat you with respect. He’s immature, even for a young man, and he he’s got a lot of growing up to do.

It is possible-and likely-that he’ll learn as the years progress. He’ll hopefully have his share of hard knocks, and he’ll gain some perspective. And hopefully he’ll grow and evolve from these experiences.

But for now Jesse, he needs to marinade by himself. We’re sure there are plenty of very nice young men in your school. Start hanging out with them. And who knows, maybe your friend is a fast learner.

Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Why is the teacher commenting on the situation?

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Dear Guys,

So I’ve dated this guy for a while now, and it’s been a known fact between us that he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I was fine with it for a while but it started bothering me. I try to get into conversations with him about it and ask him why he doesn’t want anyone to know, but he never really answers, he just changes the subject. I know I might just be acting sensitive but it kind of feels like he’s ashamed of being my boyfriend which hurts. I’ve asked my friends and they constantly say break up with him, while others say he’s just being protective. I doubt the latter since when his friends or other guys flirt with me, he just stands there and acts like it’s not happening. Why does he act the way he does and should I break up with him?

June

Dear June,

Thanks for writing. We haven’t seen this type of situation in a long time. We can see how this would be hurtful to you. We’re sorry.

Unfortunately we don’t have good news for you. We can’t think of any positive reason he would want to hide this relationship. When people are happy to be with someone they typically want to tell the world. Sure, sometimes people hide things from their parents if they know they might not approve, but they certainly wouldn’t hide it from their friends.

As far as him being protective, it’s unlikely. That really doesn’t make any sense to us. Protective from what? If he was being protective he would be acting completely the opposite. He would want EVERYONE to know because he’d be claiming his territory. If he was being protective he wouldn’t let you leave his side, and he wouldn’t want other guys to talk with you or interact with you. (That wouldn’t be good either.)

June, we like to give answers that help people figure things out for themselves, but we don’t see this relationship going anywhere, and frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s good for your self-esteem. You need to take care of yourself, and make sure the relationships you pick boost your self-esteem, and energize, and empower you, not make you feel worried and insecure.

We hope this helps you put things into perspective.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.

But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.

So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance.  In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!

Patricia

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for writing.

Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.

Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.

In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!

So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)

What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something  creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.

Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!

And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things.  A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

We work hard to give thoughtful responses to your questions. Support the guys. Consider a donation. Thanks!

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago and now I hardly ever talk on the phone. Of course this irritates my wife to no end. “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys. Talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick, and instead enjoying the work being done for them. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s even more painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men at insurmountable odds; under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more problems with communication via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, and  humor all get lost when the written word isn’t carefully crafted; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person was truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical; but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or my kids, is that they should feel like the only one in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.
How do you think technology fits into personal relationships?

How do you use it?

What do you like about it?

What do you dislike about it?

Where do you think it’s headed?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a man on & off for 2 years.  It started out fast with him asking me to marry him & giving me a ring.  Since we have gotten back together there is no talk at all about a future together.  I never know when or if I’m going to see him.  He tells me I should find someone else because he has been having some health problems.  We were supposed to see each other tonight but again he said he isn’t feeling well and told me to make other plans.
He says I’m not as affectionate as I used to be.  It’s hard when I feel like all he does is push me away.  If he did really loved me, wouldn’t he want to spend time with me & not be telling me all the time to find someone else?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing.

What you don’t say is why you broke up in the first place? How did you go from being engaged to breaking up? Also, we’d like to know if his health problems are for real or just an excuse to keep some distance between the two of you.

If he truly has health problems, he may feel insecure about being chronically sick. So instead of opening up to you he pushes you away, for fear that you won’t want to deal with his health issues. However, if his health problems are an excuse to keep you away, then you’re better off without him. You need to find all of this out. Please talk with him.

It IS difficult to show someone you love them when all they do is push you away; but in this instance that’s exactly what you need to do.  He sounds very insecure about whether or not you really do want to be with him. Do you? He certainly isn’t giving you a whole lot to work with honestly, but it sounds like you’re going to have to be the bigger person here and reach out to him if you want this to move forward.

As far as him telling you to find someone else, that could be his insecurity talking again, or he might really mean it. But you’re right, if he really wanted to be with you it seems like he should just say it. We wonder.

Lisa, what do you think about all this? You definitely need to put all of this on the table and talk to him about this. The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him directly how he truly feels about you.

Either way, his insecurity-if that’s what it is-is a red flag to us. He might truly be sick-and we’re sorry if he is-but the way he’s dealing with it seems immature. Most people would want the person they love to support them in their struggles. They wouldn’t push them away. So that’s a bit unsettling for us.

We hope we didn’t make things more confusing for you Lisa. Be well and good luck sorting this out.

THE GUYS

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Hey Guys,

So there is this guy I’ve known for about 7 years and we’re both going to be juniors in high school. I’ve felt for a long time that he liked me, because he’d always be around and be mean to me and stuff,(I don’t know what that means), but we have nothing in common. We just kinda got put together as friends. This past year we would fight a lot and he would always make sure that we were still friends. Most of the fights were on Facebook chat. I would always tell him about the guys I liked and ask for advice, partially to let him know that I didn’t like him. This year he had a girlfriend for a few months, but still flirted heavily with me. Then after they broke up and a few days after I was rejected, he told me he wanted to kiss me. So we got together that night and just kissed. I told him I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but we did anyway. After that it was normal until we hung out again and kissed more. Now I think that I like him, but whenever we talk we get each other mad, because we know how to push each other’s buttons. I realize now that I really like him, but it’s summer and he has a girlfriend. We haven’t seen each other, only emailed twice. First I started then he started and both times ended in a fight. I’m just frustrated because I still feel like he likes me. He’s said he doesn’t like me, but at the same time he does, and that he is confused. Now I am too. Please help. Does he like me? I’ve felt something between us for a long time.

Anya

Dear Anya,

Thanks for writing. We’re a bit confused too!

So let’s get this straight. You are friends with this guy, but you kind of like each other too. You’re both not sure what you want. You’ve kissed. Now you realize you like him. He says he likes you but has a girlfriend. You fight a lot.

That sums it up, right?

We’re sorry you’re having a hard time Anya. It’s painful to finally decide you like someone and then have them reject you, at least partially.

He sounds like he’s confused and maybe not sure what he wants. Most 17 year old guys-we’re assuming that’s about how he is-change their minds from week to week, or even day to day. He probably does like you, but he wants to date other people too. He probably values your friendship, but it’s not enough for him to stop some of the other things that he enjoys. It’s the nature of the beast Anya.

The best thing you can do is make it clear that you like him, but don’t pressure or hound him. (And not on Facebook!) He’s going to have to come around on his own. He’ll appreciate you more if he realizes how great you are without you having to tell him.

So the good news is, yes, he probably does like you. But the bad news is, there’s not much you can do, but sit back and watch. You could be his friend while he’s dating other people, but is that what you want? Do you want to be someone he confides in about other girls? We doubt it.

We’re hoping he comes around. But if not, don’t fret. We’re sure there are more cool guys in your school. And once you start dating someone else, this guy will want you back. Yes, the game playing has already begun unfortunately. And guys like a little cat and mouse; as long as they get to catch the mouse occasionally.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. It might be a good idea to conduct your personal affairs away from Facebook or any other social networking site. That’s just trouble waiting to happen. We see it time and time again.

If you have a question for THE GUYS, ask away. Leave us a note on the Ask the Guys page of our website. We’ll answer it here, or on our podcast, or both.

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Dear Guys,

I’m a middle aged woman dating again.  I’ve been dating a man for awhile. We had broken up for a period of time but got back together.  During that time apart he dated and was intimate with another woman.  He has a Facebook account as do I.  He blocked me but has this other woman he was with as a friend.  He also accepted a woman as a friend who he knew caused me a lot of problems in the past.  If he cared for me why would he keep them and block me?
Thank you for your input.

Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann,

Thanks for writing. It seems Facebook issues have struck again. We’re sorry.

We’re not sure what it is about Facebook, My Space, and some of these other social networking sites, where people feel they can do or say anything without any repercussions. It’s like the wild, wild west but with no sheriff.

How long have you been back together? Is it possible you were blocked during the time of your break up and he hasn’t unblocked you yet? It’s at least worth a conversation, which is what we’re recommending in general. We think the best thing to do is to talk with your friend and see what’s going on. If you don’t like his explanation, or if he doesn’t give you one, it’s time to move on.

Our gut feeling is, he’s keeping his options open. If he is way into you why is he blocking you? What is your gut telling you? And why did you break up in the first place? Maybe those issues are still looming.

And one note about Facebook. It’s great for businesses who are trying to keep in touch with their customers or fans. (We have a fan page.) And it’s great for people who are curious to know what all their high school chums are up to. But it’s just a bit too public to use as a way to keep in touch on a regular basis. Email, or even that old relic, the phone, is a better alternative. That way, both you and the person you’re communicating with act as sheriffs.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Hi Guys,
I have a dilemma which I’m hoping you can help me with.
I am an outgoing, outwardly confident girl. I enjoy meeting new people, and I make friends with both guys and girls very easily. However, I have no success when it comes to dating and love. When I examine my relationship history I am forced to conclude that guys see me only as a friend, or perhaps as a potential friend-with-benefits-not that I go for those types of arrangements. Although several males have made sexual advances towards me-so it can’t be my looks that are the problem, right? I’m in good shape and reasonably attractive- they just don’t seem to see me as having girlfriend potential.  I have met lots of guys that I find attractive, but there seem to be only two outcomes. Either they become a good friend but seem oblivious to my flirting-some of my male friends end up asking me for advice on how to approach other females they are interested in, for goodness sake!-or they respond to my advances, we have a brief fling, but it never develops into a serious relationship because the guy ends it. I am 99% sure this is not a sexual chemistry problem-never received any negative feedback, anyway! Every single time a guy breaks up with me, he has wanted to remain friends, in fact most have strongly stressed that point, and most of my exes remain buddies with me.  This leaves me with two possible conclusions. Either I am attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, i.e. emotionally-unavailable men, or there is something about me that means guys just do not see me as a long-term prospect.
My question is, what qualities does a girl have to be seen as girlfriend potential? Are there certain behaviors or personality traits that might make a girl seem like a great friend, but eliminate her as a dating prospect? Any advice?
Thanks,

Jess

Dear Jess,

Thanks for writing. Your dilemma is not that uncommon. And at least one of your suspicions is correct. (It does sound like you’re attracted to the wrong sorts of guys.) But there’s more to it than that. Let’s start with our shallow answer.

If a guy finds you attractive, hot, sexy, or any other superlative, you automatically have potential as a girlfriend. Potential is the key word here. If potential doesn’t morph into a more certain standing you’ll end up either being a short term, or long term booty call. That’s not typically what most women are hoping for. Sure physical chemistry can be a great part of a relationship, but it’s really only one piece in a larger equation of trust, respect and love.

What really struck us about your question, was how willing and available you seem to be for these guys. This might be part of what’s going on for you. Just like nice guys can be cursed, so can nice girls. You sound like a very nice girl, and guys can sniff these girls out from a mile away. They are an invaluable resource as you’ve realized, because most guys have no clue about women. (They need advice from a woman and you’re giving it to them. That needs to stop.)

It sounds like you feel reasonably comfortable with your looks, and your ability to converse, so maybe it’s the way you carry yourself that’s causing the problem. This doesn’t mean you lack confidence, but it sounds like you’re making it too easy for the men you meet. Guys like somewhat of a challenge, and making yourself too available, at least at first, is going to keep heading you into familiar territory. And how many new guy friends do you really need??!! Let the guy do the pursuing! Let him make the advances!

We don’t believe in game playing, but a little mystery is okay. We also think you might want to hold back your eagerness to connect emotionally, until the man you’ve just met proves himself to be a worthy constituent. That means evaluate each person, and if they really have boyfriend potential, then proceed slowly. If they don’t, have a good time and move on. And definitely don’t go out of your way to prove you’re a cool girl. The right guy will know you are.

But let’s get back to our initial point. Yes, you are going after the wrong guys. This is easy for us to say, but difficult for you to change. However, start becoming more aware of your patterns. Become more aware of red flags, or other signs that tell you the same old thing is happening again.

Be positive Jess. Just by being out in the world, eventually you’ll meet the right guy for you. But it’s your job to recognize when it happens. Think about all these trials as good practice. All of these dead ends are getting you more prepared for when you finally do meet a great guy. It will happen!

Best of luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

This week’s show

The Truth: BP Conspiracy Theories

Ask the Guys: Dating Single Moms

Contest Drawing: We reveal the winner

Stream of Consciousness: Jeans, Crayons, Mini Coopers

THE MEAT: The Vacation State of Mind

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Dear Guys,

So I’m 18 and so is this guy. I work with him and he asked for my number. We’ve been texting/talking for about 5 days now. He always asks sexual joking questions and always texts me 1st. I was thinking he was a player but he’ll also talk to me about personal stuff.  And when I did tell him to go talk to an airhead (blank) girl instead, he was like nahhh. So I don’t get him. What does he want? Please and thank you!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing.

What does he want? He wants you. It’s pretty clear.

We realize this young man is 18, but that still doesn’t excuse his behavior. Since when can’t a guy pick up the phone and actually call- NOT text-and be direct??!!

“Hey Blake. Would you like to go out to dinner?”

or

“Hey Blake. I’d like to take you out.”

Guys have fallen into this bad habit of going for a sure thing. They nibble and they prod, hoping to get the answer they need before they take the plunge. Guys of all ages do this.  But there is no such thing as a sure thing. Life is risky, and this guy needs to step up to the plate and take a real swing.

So to answer your question, yes he likes you, but if he continues this game playing, because it surely is just that, do you really want to deal?

Good luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a question for THE GUYS drop us a line. We’ll do our best to give you our opinion, either on our blog or our podcast, or both!

Go to the Ask the Guys page.

Readers: To read more on this topic check out: Dating in my 20s as a single mom?  or a personal account from Sabrina, “Dating as a single mother.” 

To read about cultural differences within relationships check out:

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Cultural Differences Part 2: Am I being used? 

Dear Guys,

I’m a 24-year-old single mother of one child, and am interested in a guy who is in his late twenties, never married, and has no kids. I am currently a student intern where he is employed, so we have similar educational backgrounds and related professions. I will be finishing my internship soon, and would like to get a feel for whether or not he would be interested in getting to know each other after I am done. I’m concerned that he would be overwhelmed by the fact that I have a child. I’m not looking for a father-figure for my son necessarily since he has a great relationship with his biological father (we simply are not right for each other), but more so for companionship and someone to make sure that I take the time to have fun once in awhile. He seems to live kind of a bachelor lifestyle; however, in speaking to him it seems that this is because his life right now is able to afford him one. Do you have any good tips to see if he might be interested too? Also, what is your guy’s take on dating a single mom?
Thanks for your help!

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for writing. We’re sure there are plenty of other single moms, and dads, wondering the same things. We’ll just speak for THE GUYS here.

Hopefully this guy will decide to date you or not, based on who you are as a person, not the fact that you have a child. However, dating a woman with kids is not the first choice of most guys, especially guys who’ve never been married before, or who don’t have their own children. But each person is different, so nothing ventured nothing gained.

This guy is in his twenties, so he’s still a young man. He SHOULD be living the bachelor life because that’s what most guys in their twenties do, whether they have money or not. But this doesn’t mean he couldn’t fall for you, it just means he’ll be faced with a decision that he might not be ready to make. Does he really want to be a father figure right away? (It doesn’t matter that you aren’t looking for a daddy for your child. The fact is, you have a child, and whoever enters your life will have to embrace that to some degree in order to be with you.)

It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your ex which is great for your son. It’s also easier for a guy to walk into a situation that’s positive rather than dealing with a hostile and combative situation. We commend you for that.  But the truth is, having a child and an ex, could scare this guy away. (It would scare a lot of guys away.)

But many couples run into obstacles that are difficult. Religion. Ethnicity. Class. All of these have been known to create confusion and conflict. In fact anytime two people come from different backgrounds or have different experiences, there’s more of a chance of potential conflicts.

But even with potential issues out of the gate, this guy might not care. Here are a few reasons that guys in general might be open to dating a women with kids.

1. If a guy is super attracted to you he won’t care if you have a child. Or if he finds you fascinating.  Just make sure his intentions are true. Be careful.

2. If a guy has been married before. Or has a kid of his own. Now you both have similar experiences and the playing field is even.

3. If he’s just a cool guy who’s very secure with himself. This is a stretch for guys in their 20s but it’s possible. You’re more likely to find this with a slightly older guy in their 30s or 40s or older certainly. But it doesn’t hurt to explore all your options.

So that’s it in a nutshell. We hope we haven’t scared you off. If you’re into this guy, we say go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose really. But our biggest tip to you is be direct. Invite him over for dinner. If that scares him off, well he’s not the right guy for you anyway.

Hope this makes sense. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a relationship question, drop us a line on the Ask The Guys page. We’ll answer here or on our podcast.

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