The Guy’s Perspective

Are we the only ones: Auto Replay….the never ending song.

Hot or Not: Online Dating, Lady Gaga, Facial Hair, Winter, Katy Perry, Kindle and other E readers. (We give our rating)

Listener Voice Mail: Do you find me…..sexy?

Thanks for listening!

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THE GUYS

TGP Episode 12: No Fly Zone [ 19:47 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Guys,

When people rush into rebound relationships for a few months and have been intimate with someone else, what do you think the chances are of trying to repair the original relationship, knowing the person you loved was with someone else?

I had this happen to me and he is now contacting me again.  I wonder why he didn’t try to work on the relationship before getting involved with someone else.  I don’t want to be used or hurt again.  Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.

Tina

Dear Tina,

Thanks for writing us.

Any relationship can be broken or repaired. It all depends on the people involved and how committed or not committed they are.

The real question is whether or not you want to try and repair it, and whether or not you can handle the emotional roller coaster that may ensue.

We don’t know the details of why you broke up in the first place, and then why he started dating this other person, and then why they broke up, and now why he’s asking to get back together with you. Is he  someone who can’t be alone? Or did he truly make a mistake and now wants to make it all right?

Either way, it sounds like you’re already struggling with it. Do you really want to go through it all again? That’s what you have to ask yourself. Don’t get back with him again just because you’re feeling lonely. Breakups are very hard, but they usually happen for a good reason, and after time things start to look up. You sound like you’re still in the healing phase which makes you vulnerable, and susceptible to his advances.

If you really want to give it a second try we suggest you wait for a bit and get to know him again. Be friends for a while and see if he’s really serious about you, or if he’s just lonely and looking for sex.

And if this seems too hard it might be because it is. He may not be the right guy for you, so move on, heal, and keep an open mind. Someone else will come your way.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask any follow up questions.

THE GUYS

ps. We also answer relationship questions on our podcast. Check it out here, or subscribe on itunes and/or Zune. Leave us a five star rating on itunes or Zune and be in the running for a piece of merchandise.

Dear Guys,

I was on an on-line dating website and this man sent me a message asking if I was interested in meeting him.  I responded to him two days later and he said sorry but he was going off the site because he met someone else and  was going to ask her to be exclusive. I wished him well.

Three weeks later he contacted me again asking if I was still interested in meeting.  I asked what happened and he just blew it off saying things happen and it was no big deal.  So we met and began a relationship rather quickly seeing each other almost everyday.  Then without any warning he sent me an email at work  saying he was going back to his longtime girlfriend whom he never mentioned. He seemed really into me and I was shocked that he would be so cold as to end things by an email to my work.

It was only several weeks that we dated, but  I’m feeling rejected and confused by his behavior.  I’d appreciate any advice or opinion on this situation.

Thank you,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing. We’re sorry about your situation. This guy’s erratic behavior is a sure sign that he’s not who he says he is.

In the excitement of meeting someone who’s charming, good looking, interesting, or whatever, you ignored some not-so-positive signs that told you a different story. The fact that he said he was going to be exclusive with someone else not more than two weeks prior, should have told you something wasn’t right. And the fact that his explanation to you was less than satisfactory was also a red flag. These together tell us that he’s either very confused, or he’s a player, and we’re going with the latter.

Don’t beat yourself up over this, but just be aware for the future. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment if there’s chemistry. But next time, think yellow light, and proceed with caution, especially with online dating. It might be a good idea to first get to know someone face-to-face before you jump in too deep.

We know this situation is sad, confusing, and frustrating for you, but truly this guy is not worth it. He’s got his agenda, and it’s all about him. He’s not the type of guy you’d want to have a long term relationship with anyway.

So chalk it up to experience and move on. Next time keep your eyes open a tad more. We’re not saying be suspicious of everyone, just don’t go so fast until you really know whom you’re dealing with.

Good luck, and write us anytime.

THE GUYS

ps. If you haven’t checked out our podcast, please do. You can find it on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!

Dear Guys,

I’ve always been “one of the guys” because in my group of friends I’m the only girl. I hang out with them on a daily basis. I’m starting to see one of them as more than a friend, but I can’t tell if he feels the same way. He always chooses to sit next to me and he’s ditched the others so we could hang out alone. But when we all hang out together, he treats me like “one of the guys.” It’s very frustrating and I can’t read his signals.

Keely

Dear Keely,

We’ve been asked a similar question before. Dating friends can be wonderful, but also confusing, especially at the beginning.

Guys love women who can hang with their guy friends. There’s nothing cooler than a woman who loves football, action movies and video games. But only if that woman also likes to be a woman too. If you are the former without the latter, then you are truly one of the guys, without the quotations. And that’s not necessarily where you want to be if you have eyes for this guy.

Who do YOU think you are in his eyes?

From what you describe it sounds like he’s into you. So you have two options. Wait for him to make the first move, or just tell him how you feel and give him the green light. We suggest waiting for a bit, and see how it progresses. If it goes on for a long time and he’s not making a move, you might just have your answer. If that happens he probably just thinks of you as a friend.

This doesn’t mean you can’t just tell him that you like him, but you might not feel comfortable doing that.

One last thing to consider. If you start dating this friend and it doesn’t work out, you might lose some of your other guy friends too. It’s not really fair but it could happen. Don’t let that scare you, but just be aware of it. We still think you have to follow your gut. If you really need to have a definitive answer, then just tell him how you feel. Taking a risk is always a bit scary but often necessary when it comes to matters of the heart.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

Ask us a question. We’ll either answer it here on our blog, or on our podcast. Leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out our podcast if you haven’t already. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. (Listen on itunes, Zune, or here on our site.) And please subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!

Pet Peeves: Customer Service, Automated System

Ask the Guys: How do I show my girl I love her?

Father Stories: Special story shared by Liz aka “Naughtie Scribe”

The MEAT: Football…its impact on the family.

Youth is Wasted: Is 18 too young to go to college?

TGP Episode 11: Customer Service, Football, and Listening [ 38:34 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

A recent question came in from a high school girl wondering what constituted being creepy. She was worried that her shyness around some guy she liked might be perceived as creepy. Well we can set the record straight. That’s far from creepy. Typically teenage girls don’t fall into the creepy category.  They certainly don’t make our list. Her situation sounds more like a young person trying to figure out how to navigate the rough social waters of high school.

Okay we’ll give her that……the whole high school experience can feel kind of creepy in general.

So what or whom would be considered creepy?

Hmm………………..

Well, let’s see what Webster says first.., (flip pages….ahh here it is.)

1) Having or causing a feeling of fear or disgust.

Well that’s pretty basic, and pretty telling. We would say that teenage girls don’t fall into the fear or disgust category.

So what does?

Spiders, insects, the usual ensemble of bugs, and crawly things. In terms of bugs, we define creepy as anything we wouldn’t particularly like crawling on our skin. The list is too long.

So what else is creepy?

Clowns are often creepy as hell. And old men. And even worse, an old man dressed up in a clown costume, performing at a kid’s birthday party. That scenario gives us the shivers.

And what about Glen Close in that creepy movie. What was that called? Oh yeah, “Fatal Attraction.” Now she was creepy!

A lingering stare is kind of creepy, or being too helpful when it’s not asked for is definitely creepy.

Or how about just appearing out of nowhere? Imagine wherever you go, this same person just shows up when you turn around. Yikes, that gives us the willies.

Creepy is somewhere between uncomfortable and stalking. It’s more like “uneasy” or “unsettled.” It’s a sixth sense that says, something is not the way it should be. And this feeling is universal. Everyone knows what creepy is, it’s just different for each person.

Please leave us your list of one t0 five things, creatures, places, or people that creep you out. We’re going to make a universal list and share it on an upcoming podcast.

And for our young teenage friend we can just say, take off that hooded cloak and those skinny black jeans, and step out of the shadows and say something! We’re trying our best to keep you off our list!

THE GUYS

Are we the only ones? We discuss Crows and Feet, but not crows feet.

Ask the Guys: We get caught up on your questions

Reader Feedback: Caller response from Hawaii

TGP Episode 10: Our first mini cast [ 16:29 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

Mr. Joe Fireman. Mr. John Handyman. Mr. Paul Plumber.

These names conjure up images of strong, and ruggedly handsome guys, working in cargo pants and a tight tees, while tearing off shingles, fixing pipes, or climbing tall ladders. These guys are comfortable in their own skin, and confident in their abilities. And they put the people around them at ease, with their inner strength, and charm.

You would think guys like these would be comfortable discussing any topic from the latest electronic gadget to the hottest new Hollywood starlet; and of course everything in between. But in fact, this might not be so.

Take a glimpse into a recent conversation I had with one of these strapping young men.

A guy comes over to fix something at my house. I also know him outside of his work.

Me: Thanks for coming over.

Guy: My pleasure. Now what seems to be the problem.

Me: I’m having an issue in the basement.

Guy: Let me check it out.

After a while, the problem gets fixed and we’re chatting.

Me: So how’s your back been. (He’s had back problems.)

Guy: Feeling better.

Me: That’s cool. Yeah, I’ve been having shoulder issues. Been in PT.

Guy: Me too. I’ve been having forearm, and elbow issues.

Me: Oh really. You’d better stop….you know……(I make a motion with my hand that I think is obvious. Hint: Guys pretend they don’t do this “thing” when their girlfriend asks them.)

Guy: (Looks confused) What do you mean?

Me: You know. (I make motion again.)

Of course I’m really just kidding around. But here’s what happens.

The Guy realizes what I’m referring to finally. Turns beat red. Then turns redder. Starts to stutter. Tries to recover. Tries to say something. Can’t. I smile and say I was just joking around. Uncomfortable silence.

Me: Okay. So. Um. Well then, thanks for coming over.

He leaves and then I realize something.

You can’t judge a guy by the length of his ladder.

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

Pet Peeves: Food porn, Baseball players

Ask the Guys: Group Dating

Father Stories: What dad’s do (Special guest)

THE MEAT: School Dilemma

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TGP Episode 9: Food Porn, Friends w Benefits, School Dilemma [ 38:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Dear Guys,

My husband recently had an emotional affair with someone in California. He has family out there also. That being said, after I confronted him about the affair- and thought that we had gotten over it, and we were doing better than ever- he said he still wanted to go visit family out in California. I reluctantly bought him the ticket to go, scared that he would not return like he promised. (Round trip ticket) I was right, he did not return on this ticket. Mind you the woman he was having the affair with is his cousin (I know, I know, I know…LOL….Jerry Springer all over it.) He stayed with her and her family for the two weeks he was supposed to be out there. (She is married with two kids.) As far as I could tell they avoided being alone together.

Anyway, now he is staying at a male cousin’s house. He says he wants to extend his visit and possibly get a job out there for a few months. So far he has not tried to get a job, like he said he was going to. And I don’t want him to do this. I want him to come home where he knows for a fact he has a job waiting for him. (At least two) He still says he loves me everyday and texts me throughout everyday and also sends pics of himself. He sends pics and texts to my son as well who is fifteen. He promised me before he left that he would come home, and says he will still keep that promise. In the mean time, I feel like my life is in limbo not knowing when he plans to return. He will not give me a date or a definite time frame for his return. So guys my question is basically this…would he keep saying he loves me in text and on the phone if he didn’t mean it? He is already out there 3,000 miles away from home, so I think if he didn’t mean it or wanted to stay out there and not return home he would just either drop off the face of the earth…..no texts and no phone calls.  And certainly no “I love yous.” (Sometimes just a love ya or a goodnight with love but usually love you) Can you guys help me shed some light on him? I want so badly to believe he will be returning. But the “not knowing” is driving me nuts.

Hummingbird

Dear Hummingbird,

Thanks for writing. This is complicated. And we won’t lie to you. The whole cousin angle kind of threw us a bit, but we’ll do our best.

We’re not exactly sure what you mean by an emotional affair. Do you know the extent of it? Did he talk with you about it? Or did you find it out covertly by seeing emails/texts? How far did it go? Did they discuss being together? If you’re not sure of these answers you should find out to what extent they were “together.”

And what about his cousin’s husband? Does he know what’s going on? It seems he probably doesn’t since your husband was staying with them.

We’re big on actions. Right now his actions are speaking much louder than his words. He may be saying he loves you, but then why isn’t he coming home? This is quite a mixed message.

Our sense is, he’s keeping his options open. He’s trying to establish a life for himself out in California, but if for some reason it doesn’t work out, he still has you to come back to. It seems if all he wanted to do was relocate, you would be part of the plan. He would be talking to you about WHEN you and your son would be joining him. Instead he’s kind of being vague, and that’s a sure sign that he’s being deceptive, at least about his intentions.

Relationships aren’t easy, and there are times when couples go through rough periods. During these difficult times communication breaks down. And that’s a big problem, because it’s during those times that couples need to communicate even more! You need to get him talking!!

So “Hummingbird,” stop wondering and get more proactive about this. It seems you’re almost afraid to ask him what’s really going on. But you have to get to the bottom of this for your own sanity and for the welfare of your son-and for the sake of your marriage. So talk to your husband. Ask him to come home to talk with you. Be assertive. If he won’t come home, you might have to take a trip out to California. (That’s a last resort because we know this would be expensive.) But you’re not really getting an accurate picture of what’s going on. You’re only getting what he chooses to tell you. The worst case scenario is, he decides to stay in California, and you’re left wondering with no answers.

And why are you buying the ticket for him? Are you supporting the family financially? We know these are tough economic times, but you shouldn’t be supporting his explorations. It sounds like you want to be a loving partner and that’s a wonderful thing. Relationships are about give and take. But it’s a two way street, and he’s not holding up his end of the bargain. So please don’t support him anymore with this. It’s not helping your relationship. If a guy accepts this kind of help, even if he’s grateful, he’s also resentful and feels emasculated. And if he doesn’t, well than that’s even worse. We call those guys, mooches!

Things haven’t ended yet, but they’re moving quickly in that direction. You deserve an explanation and some real straight talk. And if he’s not willing to volunteer this, then you need to force the issue. He owes you that much. And there still might be a chance to salvage your relationship. It does sound like he cares for you on some level, even if he’s confused.

We’re sorry this is so difficult. We wish people would live up to their commitments and be honest with the people they are closest with. But unfortunately many people don’t do this. The way your husband is dealing with his confusion is damaging your relationship, especially in the trust department. Even if you get through this, you’re still going to have to deal with the aftermath. This is going to take some strength on your part. And his.

We wish you the best. Let us know if you have any other questions.

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

I am 34 year old man married for 9 years. (The relationship has been rocky to say the least.)I have been told by my wife at times that she does not love me. We have a child together. Often she likes to go out after work with her co-worker single female friend.
I have recently been talking with a female co-worker who is younger than me and have been out for some drinks. Sometimes the subject turns towards sex. This is confusing.

Is she interested in me?

If I act on this my so called marriage will be over.

Jim

Dear Jim,

Thanks for writing. We can see how this would be confusing.

Let’s address your marriage first. Both you and your wife sound unclear how you feel about one another, and your marriage. So we’d like to know a few things. Do you still love your wife? If the two of you could work things out is that something you would ultimately want?

Many couples stay together because of the children. However, if a relationship is loveless, and/or full of stress and strife, this can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional and psychological well being. Many “experts” are now saying a healthy divorce-one where both parents are still working as a team to make things as smooth as possible for the kids-is actually a better situation than an unhealthy marriage. Could this be a reason you’re still together?

Jim, it would best to figure some of these things out first before you bring another person into the equation. The new person will only complicate matters, and confuse you more. She already has.

So let’s talk about this other person. It’s clear you’re attracted to her and are interested in her beyond just being friends. That in itself should tell you something about your marriage. The fact that you are open to having these types of feelings for another women is pretty telling. Sure, guys fantasize about women other than their partner. That’s pretty normal. (And yes, women have fantasies too.) But you’re well beyond a fantasy. You’ve gone out with this other woman, talked about sex, and are seriously considering taking it to the next level. That should give you some answers about how committed you are to your marriage.

However, be forewarned. This other woman is not the solution. Jumping to a new situation without resolving the existing one, only blurs things more. Are you leaving because you’re unhappy, or are you leaving because you want this other person? That’s a big distinction. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll stay with this woman, or that she feels about you, the same way you feel about her. You might have a month of fun, or even a year, or who knows, but you’ll still have your marriage to deal with at some point.

There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re human, and it’s nice to feel wanted and loved. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that from your marriage. And having this other woman in the picture, might be giving you the strength to take a hard look at your marriage. Is that what you’re hoping for? Are you really into this new woman, or are you just hoping she’ll  jump start the inevitable end of your marriage? We just think you need to ponder these questions because they’ll shed some light on your ultimate decision, whether you stay or go.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us more questions.

THE GUYS

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Dear Guys,

10 years ago I met a wonderful man and fell in love, I had one child from a previous relationship and we had 2 more children in the last 10 years.  Generally speaking we had been fairly happy as a couple and a family until recently.  In the last 2 years we have dealt with many stresses but I thought we were managing them well.  My “husband” (common-law) started a new job a year and a half ago working nights and I work days. We hardly see each other and only go to sleep together one night a week.  I too have made a change in my career recently.  I quit my job with his encouragement and support to find a new one closer to home. (I was commuting1.5hours to work).  Last week he told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He wants to move out and refuses to talk through what is bothering him with me or even a counselor.  I am shocked and heartbroken over this break up of my family.  Can you tell me how to understand what he may be thinking? Does he really mean  this or is something else going on?

He comes by everyday under the pretense of seeing the kids but spends all his time talking with me. When I call him he sounds annoyed, but when I ask if he’d like me not to call he won’t say yes or no?  I am confused.  So what do you guys think, is it really over?

Sue

Dear Sue,

Thanks for writing. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

No, your marriage is not over. But unless you get him talking, and you find out what’s really going on with him, it will be.

Our first question to you is, are you sure there isn’t someone else? That was our gut reaction based on his actions. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk to a couples counselor, or you, makes us wonder. Sure, the person who initiates a break up is often much farther along in the process, but for a husband to just one day decide it’s over without talking about it, or trying to work something out, seems odd.

Working opposite schedules can put a strain on a relationship. The daily reconnection that couples typically have is very important. Even discussing mundane things is a reminder that you’re a team, and you’re working together to make it all work. Now of course, not everyone has the luxury to do this. You didn’t.

Obviously he still cares for you, but he’s forgotten why he loved you in the first place. The stereotype is, guys connect on a very physical basis, where women want more of an emotional connection. But really, both genders need a balance of both. It sounds like neither of you were getting what they needed over the course of the past two years. You’ve been able to handle the strain, and he hasn’t. The strain is no excuse though, but we’re trying to help you figure this out. A lot of couples endure much more stress than conflicting schedules. So once again, you need to get him talking somehow.

We’re pulling for you Sue. We hope you can work through this together to put the pieces of your marriage and family back in place. Communication is the key to this.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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