The Guy’s Perspective

Read the script:

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

Other questions about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.”  He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

Also Read: Do looks matter?   and  High school dating: Am I hot or not? 

Dear Guys,

I’m 4’11″ and I’m 16; I feel like I can’t be beautiful.

Because of my height, I can’t dress the way I want to, because I’ll always look like a little girl trying to look older. I want to be able to wear red lipstick, and wear pretty dresses, and makeup without always looking like I’m younger than I am. I doubt I’ll grow anymore and it really sucks.

What do you think I should do?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

We understand that you’re at an age where all the girls are “experimenting” with fashion and their looks. Sure, girls want to look and feel attractive, so they put on lots of make up and wear revealing clothes to try and look older and more seductive. And to a degree it works. Guys certainly notice girls who look this way, but not necessarily for the best of reasons.

However, our answer is not going to turn into a lecture Sarah. We know you understand that inner beauty is most important, and that you are so much more than just your physical looks and dimensions. We’re sure you’ve been told all of that before. And while we agree with that sentiment, we also understand that you really want some answers to what’s bothering you.

Your Height: 

Let’s say a guy is shorter than average, maybe three inches shorter than an average guy. Even though it shouldn’t matter we know it does, because most women want a man who is taller than them for a variety of reasons. So what happens is—and certainly not in every case—a shorter guy’s options can be limited. Of course this can be made up in a variety of ways. He’s smart, charming, rich, athletic, etc. But for the normal every day guy it’s tough being short in the competitive dating world.

But for a women it’s typically not an issue at all. And 4’11″ is considered petite, which is totally in the realm of average. And frankly, most guys don’t even care really, especially as they get a little older. Sarah, please don’t determine your beauty by the lens of a teenage boy. Teenage boys basically go for flirtatious girls with big boobs. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But what we’re saying is their scope is very limited. Whereas guys who are a little bit older—college and into their twenties and beyond—have a much broader palette when it comes to whom they’re attracted to.

Your Youthful Appearance: 

At 16, you may have matured on some levels, but you’re hardly fully matured even if you’ve stopped growing vertically. Trust us, when you head off to college in a few years—if you choose that path—your appearance will already have changed. And it only continues. The difference between the way a person looks at 16 and say 25 is usually quite striking. You’ll be surprised. (Hopefully in a good way!)

Also, it sounds like you’re one of the lucky people who looks younger than his/her age. Maybe it’s annoying to you now because people think you’re 13 when you’re really 16. But when you’re 30 and people think you’re 23 you might like it. And we can guarantee at 40, when people think you’re in your early 30s, you’ll love it. And so on.

Sarah, we think you should focus on being 16 and figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Sure, experiment all you want, but try not to worry so much. What’s happening now in your life doesn’t necessarily determine how the rest of your life is going to be.

Our one piece of advice: Once you start to truly accept the way you look, you’ll immediately become more attractive to everyone around you. People are always drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin.

Here’s another post to read about guys and what they look for in a girl/woman: Do looks matter?

Let us know if we can answer any other questions you might have now, or in the future. And please let your friends know about us. Leave us a follow up comment/question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

And try to have some fun Sarah!

THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave Sarah a comment. We’re sure she would love some more feedback. Thanks!

Questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)

A confused girl; the prom

The prom 

Hi Guys,

I love your work! It’s great and very entertaining. Cracks me up mad

I’m not sure if you guys have any experience about relationship dynamics between an Asian and a Westerner. But I’d like some opinions.

My man is from the States and I’m an Asian. Also, he is almost 40 while im in my late 20s. We have been together seven months, going strong and happy.

I asked him before if he is committed and he said he is. He used the term “all in” which made me very happy indeed. But I am unclear as to what kind of expectations or dynamics does a white guy in general hold towards a lasting relationship. I might have subscribed erroneously to the belief that westerners don’t regard commitment as seriously as Asians would. Can you please tell me the differences between a white man and an Asian man in terms of perspective and expectations for a lasting relationship?

Also, is there any advice for a young lady like me to know about dating an older man? Issues I should look out for perhaps?

I’d just like you to talk about your take on a lasting cross cultural relationships, and compounded with a bigger than usual age gap.

Many thanks!

Candy

Dear Candy,

Thanks for your question and for your kind words. We do try.

We think you may be a bit too concerned about the stereotypes you may or may not have heard about “white” men—let’s say Western men—as opposed to Asian men. Obviously cultural differences factor into every aspect of of a person’s life, but from our experience there are many Western guys who take their commitments just as serious as any guy in the world. Sure, maybe there’s less divorce in Asia—we don’t have exact statistics—but that still doesn’t mean there are more happy marriages or long term partnerships in Asia. It could just mean that more people stay together, whether they’re happy or not. So we think you need to focus on the individual—your guy— rather than try to understand him from a cultural perspective.

The one cultural phenomenon that you should be aware of is that some Western Guys have a certain “thing” for Asian ladies. It’s only worth mentioning because we would be remiss if we didn’t mention it, but it’s not something you necessarily need to focus on. It’s a matter of taste. And although that may sound very superficial, men pursue women they’re physically attracted to—at least at the onset. And when that physical attraction is there, men also think about commitment more seriously. It’s a good thing.

Now let’s address your question about your age difference. We’re guessing it’s around a 12 year difference? Is that about right? He’s probably 39 and you’re 27. (How’s our guess?) If this is the age difference then this doesn’t really fall into the category of dating an older guy. If you were in your early twenties that would be a big difference. But since you’re in your late twenties you’ve experienced life without him. You’ve probably been out in the working world, and probably have dated other men. Concerns about dating an older guy come when there’s a striking difference between experience—usually when the difference is creeping towards 20 years—which throws off the power balance. If you find him trying to “educate” you and treating you like a young girl rather than an equal, now or in the future, that might be a concern and a red flag. But otherwise, no. (Watch our video on the topic: Dating Older Men)

Candy, if you really love this man and trust that he loves you we don’t see your cultural differences or your age differences being an issue. Of course we can’t look into the heart of this man and tell you for sure that he means what he says, that’s up to you to decide. But when a guys says he’s “all in” that’s generally a positive sign.

We wish you all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Readers and Candy: Check out some of our other posts about dating across cultures. You may find them interesting. 

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Other questions about dating across cultures: 

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call? 

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played? 

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

“Women and Sex” by Isabel Kane

Women want sex as much or more than men do.  Yes, I know I am spitting in the face of common wisdom but I know this to be true and here’s why. 1. I am a woman who has experienced this over and over and over… and 2. My female friends report the same phenomena.

I first noticed this in my own relationships, but just assumed it was me. Then the subject started to creep in when my female friends and I would talk about men and relationships. The majority of them had the same feelings; women want more sex, and their men were being coy. Curious now, I started to pose the question to both men and women.  “Do you think women want sex as much or more than men?” Men; “No.” “That hasn’t been my experience.” Women; “Of course.” “Yup.”

The men were reticent, no elaboration was forthcoming, but the women! “He tells me he’s tired.” “He doesn’t like it when I make the first move.” “He gets mad if I try to seduce  him too often.” “He asked me why I like sex so much.” “Why do you think I have two men in my life?”(Seriously, the last two statements are actually true).

So what exactly is happening here? Is the stereotype wrong? Are sexual relationships between women and men changing? Is there something in the water? Now, to be fair, this doesn’t apply to all women and all men; I am (unscientifically) tracking an apparently growing phenomenon here, stay with me.

I started to look for commonalities in the women who were telling me this.  Most were comfortable with their sexuality, confident, and had a certain, ahem, level of experience sexually. And all were in committed, loving relationships (even if there are two men).   Women want sex, but still need the emotional connection; we are still women, after all,  that hasn’t changed.

But could it be that in reality men are threatened by a woman who knows what she wants in bed, isn’t afraid to ask for it from the man she loves, and wants lots of it? Is it a control issue? A fear of poor performance? Perhaps the belief that men want more sex than women was born in the same place as the myth of prince charming, soul mates, and “you complete me” doody. And we all know how dangerous those particular illusions can be in a relationship.

Maybe the stereotypes are  wrong, maybe men want the right to tell their woman they are tired or just not in the mood sometimes without being thought of as “unmanly.” Maybe women do want sex as much or more than men but don’t want to be rejected by the men they love. I really don’t know, but the women of the world are looking for real answers here. So come on, men, help us out, go beyond the stereotype and tell us what’s happening here. Because the truth is, we LOVE our men, we LOVE having sex with our men. And we want more.

Isabel Kane is a freelance writer.

Please leave a comment and join the conversation. What’s your opinion? Tell us about your experience with this subject.  

Check out some of our videos: 

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more……..

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Hi Guys!

I’ve been wondering for a long time why this guy never asked me out.

Here’s the story: I’m an English teacher in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I used to deliver “in company classes.” Of course many of my students were men. At that time I was 26 and this guy in question was 32. He was my student for about 7 months and during all that time he kept flirting with me—or at least that’s what I thought.

Many a time I would just ignore him to see what his reaction was, and he really got angry, embarrassed. I don’t know…the thing is I think he was pissed off because of my indifference! Whenever I asked him to do an activity (speaking) he would go red and sweat like a pig! So, I gathered that he felt something for me. He repeatedly told me he was single and had no kids and that he was looking for a girlfriend.

I googled him and found that he had several accounts on different dating sites. His profile was always the same: LOOKING FOR a SERIOUS relationship with a WOMAN- NO KIDS.

SOOO!! I said to myself, “He’s gonna ask me out when the course is finished.” Guess what? On the last day of the course he didn’t show up. He didn’t even had the decency of finishing the course! He simply vanished.

AND it gets more interesting. Three months later—I had already included him in my MSN—he “connects” (he was always “absent”) and he writes “hello” and then disconnects again.

What do you think GUYS?? May I have misinterpreted the whole situation? Was he flirting with me? If he was why didn’t he ask me out? If he wasn’t into me at all…why did he even bother?

I would really appreciate an answer, please..

Thank you,

Laura (from Argentina)

Dear Laura, 

Thanks for your question.

It’s a tricky maneuver to try and date your teacher. Besides the obvious boundary issues between teacher and student—although in this case it’s not quite as taboo since you’re both adults—he probably didn’t think you would be receptive to dating him after you feigned indifference for so long.

See Laura, as the teacher, you held the power. All he could do was hint around and try to get a read on your interest. His original plan was to probably wait until the class was over and then ask you out. But sensing your indifference he probably said forget it. And then his ego kicked in. It’s hard enough to get rejected, but then to have to sit in class and listen to the very person who rejected you—even if it’s just in his mind— is even tougher to take. That’s the most likely explanation for why he skipped the last class and didn’t say goodbye.

Playing hard to get is a necessary tool for women to use in this complex, and sometimes scary, dating world. But each situation is different, and every guy is different. (Hopefully you won’t always feel the need to make the guy work so hard.) But in this case, we absolutely agree with you feigning indifference as the teacher of the class, especially since most of your students were men. (You shouldn’t have any regrets.) Many guys would have been strong enough to see the situation through. They would have been able to “read” your behavior better than this guy, and understand the game that was being played. This guy’s ego was a bit too fragile to handle a strong girl like you.

Please leave us a comment. Or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And feel free to ask us another question anytime.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

For more info on this topic read:  Does my coach love me or am I being delusional? 

Other questions about dating in the military: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

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Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been married for close to a year. We are both in the military and we are stationed at separate bases. For a long time we handled the long distance relationship well and we were very happy with each other even though we could only get together every couple of months.

My husband is a good man but I have been noticing lately that it doesn’t seem like he trusts me. It started a little bit before we got married and has gotten worse now that we have been apart for so long. My husband is nearly ten years my senior and was raised in a religious background that he doesn’t hold firmly to but that does influence his thought and ideals which I am beginning to notice are a bit different than my own.

I am very independent and with wild inclinations but not to the point where I would be unfaithful. My life has become quite solitary with our relationship and more so since I have began to notice his trust issues which started with him playing mind games to see if he could catch me in some kind of a lie. To add insult to injury he came and visited for the holidays and I introduced him to my best girlfriend with whom I spend a great deal of time as I can be very inclined not to go out and be social. And one morning at about 2am, he got up and drove to her house and started interrogating her about my activities in his absence. My friend confessed this to me after he had left and I have not brought it up with him as he has not mentioned it to me. My friend mentioned that he had asked her many questions about me and what we did together and that he would ask the same questions to her over and over in a different way trying to see if he could catch her lying.

With all of his prodding in the last year it have been very hard for me to communicate with him because I have concerns that my ideals will not be up to his standards and I feel that in some ways I am already failing to be a good wife because I am feeling less and less inclined to share myself with him. He frequently consults other people regarding our relationship but never in my presence and when I have heard him discussing it over the phone his tone is unsettling in a way that is difficult to describe.

He says that he loves me but I am beginning to wonder if this is possible with how little he trusts me. I am beginning to believe that I have made a mistake in marrying him and that perhaps we rushed it out of fear. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated on the matter as I do not know how to proceed with this and I don’t think I will be able to keep it up for too much longer.

Aura

Dear Aura,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re having some trust issues in your marriage. But we’re just wondering how did it get to this point? You say the two of you were happy for quite a while so when did it all change? Was there a specific incident that triggered his insecurities and now has caused him to distrust you? Please leave us a comment and fill us in.

What we can’t understand is why the two of you aren’t talking about all of this? He should be speaking directly with you about how he’s feeling—not speaking with your friend, or playing mind games with you—and you should be addressing your concerns directly with him. Relationships are built on trust, but trust is built on solid communication. Right now you have neither. And if you really want to make this work the two of you need to at least agree that you’re going to talk about all the issues the next time you see each other.

As far as you doubting his love for you… This does not sound like a man who’s fallen out of love. On the contrary it sounds like a man who’s very much in love, but insecure about where he stands with his wife. Sure, he may have a proclivity for distrust and those are issues he needs to work on himself, but you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you’re doing to fuel his worry. We’re not saying you’re to blame—you’re not— but if you truly love him and want this marriage to work, it’s worth taking a hard look at your own actions to see if you can help ease his mind.

Successful marriages require work. And they are not always easy. And the fact that you have the added stress of being away from each other, especially as newlyweds, makes this situation even more overwhelming. But before you make any big decisions about your marriage we believe you need to both start working towards understanding how the other person is feeling. You need to start talking to one another because that’s what people who care about each other do. Don’t you want to know why he’s feeling the way he is? And he should absolutely want to know how you’re feeling and why.

Your man is struggling. His mind is swirling out of control with wild thoughts of what you might be doing and he probably has no one to talk about how he’s feeling. And the thing is, he’s not different from most guys. Typically men don’t discuss their relationships with other men, because they don’t like to admit that things aren’t working for them. So imagine him, alone, sitting in his room, making up scenarios in his head about everything you’re doing, and then spinning them for hours and hours. Not a pretty scene. (It might help him a lot to talk to someone—a professional counselor perhaps—about all his insecurities, worries and fears.)

But you could certainly help allay some of his fears by reassuring him that you love him and that you’re being a faithful wife with both your actions and intentions. Why don’t you try and be that person for him? He really needs you right now. And then, after you try to do everything you can to make this work, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision about whether you actually made a mistake to get married. It is possible the two of you are not a great match, but it’s too early to make that decision. See if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on first.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up question and/or comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).

For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.

However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.

Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.

Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.

I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)

Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.

What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….

Thanks guys,

Evol

Dear Evol,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.

In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.

If you were  going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.

The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.

However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.

We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.

We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

How to start a long distance relationship?

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

Note from THE GUYS: This truly is private talk, which means this essay goes beyond our usual PG/PG-13 rating on this site. You were “warned.” Enjoy!

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“PRIVATE TALK” by Sabrina Jennings

Men are fascinating creatures.  I’ve been trying to ‘figure’ them out, or at least do my best at understanding their mentality for years.  I’m aware that I will never be absolute with that accomplishment since I am never going to be one myself, but I like to pat myself on the back for being pretty damn insightful regardless.

I slowly built close friendships with the opposite sex as a young teen, and thankfully blossomed into a tell-it-like-it-is smart ass by the time my high school diploma was in grasp. Now, I am sure to relate to any gentlemen I meet my honesty policy; I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not, because if any woman is going to be truthful about what you’re doing is wrong/stupid/etc, it’s going to be me. Life is too damn short to let things slide that shouldn’t. Don’t confuse me with being a Manhater, I’ve been called that more times than I can count. Even one of my greatest, longtime friends Caleb referred to me as a bitch when he first met me. My sharp tongue can get under the nerves easier than most, I get it. But if I hated men like some assume, I wouldn’t bother dating, sleeping, or making friends with any of ‘em.

Duh.

I write about the unacceptable behaviors of men I encounter not the man himself, there is a difference. I am up front about what I write for a living, and it is solely the guys’ choice to continue seeing me or not.  All he has to do is not do any act deemed asshole worthy that I would bring to others attention/warn other women about, and he’ll be solid.  Surprisingly to the majority I’ve warned, they still haven’t grasped the concept and act out as tools anyway. Not my fault. I am free to write and speak the truth as I mull through my dating journey to find my lobster (old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference here).

With that set in place, being around testosterone enough as I have, it has been easy to pick up on mans’ greatest topic of joy that duplicates as his biggest insecurity; his penis. A guy simply can’t tell one  joke and let it lie, he’s got to build a vocabulary world around his dick, and usually just to compete with other males around him for best junk of all. It’s amusing to me that they seem to have this idea that a woman will care as much as they do. Yoko Ono once said, “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.” Not to be the killjoy of every mans’ hopes and dreams here, but Yoko had a point. Why bring attention to something out of your physical control? Women do not see your package the way you do at all. In order to shed some light on the subject, I’m going to address the key points that men seem to continue getting wrong or have confused beliefs in….

The Look and Size

You’re all so sure that a woman wants her man to be packing a third leg in order to be satisfied.  Um, no. Statistics have shown that the erect penis size of most men — 68 percent — is between 4.6 and 6 inches long. About 16 percent of men have an erect penis size longer than 6.1 inches, and of those only 2.5 percent are over 6.9 inches. The rest of the group are the shorties that every man fears being part of. So rest assured, all of you guys who insist that you’re bigger than your counterpart, the odds are against you, and women already know that. It’s not even an appealing part of the body to look at. Sorry, but that’s the truth, even if you’re wrestling with anaconda stature down there, we don’t see your offering as an attractive piece at all. We enjoy what it feels like, and that’s only if you know how to work with what you’ve got. Length to regular standards is just fine, girth can really be helpful if you come up short in that arena, and too little/too big are gravely disappointing. How can too big be disappointing? A woman doesn’t want to feel like her insides are getting pummeled fight club style every time you get busy, and she sure as hell doesn’t want to endure the uncomfortable gag/choking reflex when oral sex comes into play, which brings me to point number two….

Fellatio Boundaries

What happens when a guy spends countless hours over the years watching smutty porn as example of what to expect in the real world? He will bring it to the bedroom and cause quite the humorous commotion with the lady in question. Girls in porn are acting, everyone knows that, but in order for men to get off from it, they convince themselves that she means every moan and groan, and the way oral is portrayed is how all women do it. The idea is so laughable that I can’t stand it!  Remember what I said about your staff not being pretty? Privates on both sexes are not eye candy, so the eagerness to get our mouths all over it that the C class of Hollywood wants you to believe is a joke.  Like I explained to one of my guy friends the other day who I had a penis conversation with that inspired this post, a woman can truly enjoy satisfying her mans’ member with her mouth, but only if the love she has for him is real. There are women who will fake it like Jenna Jameson because they think they have to in order to win over a new guy, and there are women who simply won’t go there for personal hygienic reasons. Life is a crap shoot when it comes to sexual compatibility. You can’t ever expect it’s alright to unleash your tonsil tickler in a forceful face-fuck manner either without discussing your desire to first. That’s a move way too many men make the mistake of doing.  Just like….

Backdoor Surprise

The taboo talk of anal sex is bound to be addressed in most relationships. Every man has heard the positives of it being a tighter destination for his meat to travel (which is true, because it’s mainly used as an exit and rarely sees entry, duh), and most will sweet talk/convince/plea with their woman to allow them to try it at least once. Women who have yet to cross into that realm have thought about it as well….just like the women who find it just as enjoyable as vaginal penetration, and the women who find it to be one of the most disgusting and painful experiences they have ever endured. Just like with the rules of fellatio, there are stipulations when it comes to dancing the chocolate cha cha. You can never just ‘slip it in by accident’ (why men think this lame fake excuse will always fly is beyond me), there must always be a great deal of lubrication (not spit, Vaseline, or whatever crazy sub you have on hand because you’re that desperate to get it), and you’ve got to take it slow. My counter to being asked for taking part in this act has often been, “I will accept, as long as you take it too.” Maybe it’s a cheap shot since most men want to give and not receive in this arena, but one guy did oblige, so you try and tell me that it’s not a big deal. It can be pleasurable, or it can be a hot, uncomfortable mess.  It all comes down to who you’re partaking in the act with.

Cell Phone/Online Penis Spreads

Who was the woman to first receive a mans’ dick via text or online messaging and told them it was scrumptious? Why do men think that taking the time to lose the pants and give their ween its’ own photo shoot in the best lighting (you hope) will have the ladies come running like dogs in heat? Do you know the vulnerable state you put yourselves in by making such a ridiculous choice? You run the risk of her not only laughing at the media received, it also gives her the ability to forward Mr. Winky to anyone on her phones contact list, or on the internet to be a permanent addition to a Penis Fail forum.  Yes, men love a woman who will dish out a topless picture for their own personal viewing.  Boobies are fun. Why a guy will think we want the favor returned with a dickshot is confusing at best. I have never been in favor of this presumptuous act, and I am positive in saying that most, if not all women agree with me on this one. It’s pervy and unnecessary at best. If you want to keep your dignity in check, refrain from making the dreaded decision of sharing your wanker with the world.  All it takes is one woman appalled or scorned, and you’re screwed.

Sabrina Jennings contributes work and advice here: http://www.yourtango.com/users/sabrinajennings Twitter: @SoSabby

Other questions about dating in high school: 

Am I hot or not? 

Dating older guys: Video

High school dating to college long distance

This girl is driving me mad

Homecoming Dance; I think I really like him

Does this older guy like me? 

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional? 

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Hey Guys,

Okay, so there’s this guy in my class named Ryan. He was in one of my other classes last year, so we both know each other. My best friend and his best friend almost dated each other so we have hung out out side of school before. But that was only once, and now that our friends don’t really like each other any more we don’t hang out at school any more either.

He is in my bio class and we will talk to each other in groups but I don’t have his number or anything, so I can’t really text him at all. I’m kind of starting to like him because he seems really cool and we’re both artists and I feel like we could really get along well together. I just don’t know how to get him to notice me or talk to me more. I know this will sound weird but his mom has kind of a a rockabilly/pinup style and that’s the way that I dress too, so would that make him not like me because I would remind him of his mom?

I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I’m not the most ordinary girl. I have sandy blonde hair and I don’t wear what every other girl is wearing. I always thought that guys would want to go for the girl that doesn’t look or dress like every other girl, but that hasn’t really worked out for me ahahaa. But I haven’t seen him with a girl at all or heard about him having a thing with a girl so I know he’s definitely single, and he knows I’m single. I’m very independent, and some of my friends have told me that I am very intimidating when it comes to my personality, which I don’t understand because I feel like I’m one of the nicest, drama-free people in my whole group of friends ahaha.

So yeah, I just want to know what I’m doing wrong. I suck at flirting because I haaate girls that make it sooo obvious that they’re trying to flirt with a guy. And I hate girls that are easy so I try not to be one of those girls. Well thanks for reading my looong message, and hopefully this will help me out.

Thaaanks,

Tatum. (:

Dear Tatum,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud you for being an individual and following your own passion and style. High school—we’re assuming you’re in high school—can be difficult for kids who buck the trend and do their own thing. Good for you. But that can be intimidating to people, especially to young guys.

An independent girl that doesn’t necessarily care if some guy is a good athlete or part of the “in crowd” is an enigma to young guys, because guys are so used to attracting girls because of something they’re good at instead of who they are—an interesting and good person perhaps. So we can imagine many of the guys at your school don’t quite know what to make of you, or how to handle you. (It doesn’t matter that you’re really nice and drama-free. It’s all about perception. And young guys are pretty insecure when it comes to strong, passionate, and focused girls.)

We’re not sure where this guy falls in the scope of high school guys but he still is a young guy so he might need some help here. Meaning, you’re going to have to make it obvious to him that he’s not going to be rejected if he pursues you beyond friendship. Don’t you have some friends that could drop a hint or two? Or is there some art show, or gallery the two of you could go to? Or something else casual that you could invite him to? If he likes you, he might welcome you taking the initiative. And with some relaxed hang, especially if it was during a Saturday afternoon or something, you could kind of make it seem like it was a friendly outing instead of a date. After that, there’s not much else you can do. If he doesn’t take the reigns after you’ve made it easy for him then he’s either not interested or too insecure to pursue you.

But don’t over think this. The fact that you dress like his mom is not causing him not ask you out. If a guy is attracted to you then he’s attracted to you. It wouldn’t matter if you were the kind of girl that wore hats with faux furry woodland creatures attached to them. If a guy thinks you’re cute/hot he’ll pursue you no matter what.

So we hope this helps a little. Good luck. And leave us a comment and get us up to date. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Show us some love on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re new there) Thanks!

Next Up:

Private Talk by Sabrina Jennings

Women and Sex by Isabel

“The expectations of Valentine’s Day from a Guy’s Perspective” by Saelen Ghose  Twitter: @saelenghose 

I’m not a fan of expectations. Because I know that expectations are always accompanied by inevitable disappointment. And for me, Valentine’s Day falls clearly into the camp of expectations, a place where I know I can’t win. In fact for guys in general, there’s no winning on the day of the cupid, because there will always be some guy who just has to up the ante and fly his partner for a special night in NYC, or to some tropical isle, or pull out all the stops with rose petals and bubble massages, or organic chocolate instead of the kind you get at the local pharmacy. And then there’s always the guy who just has to propose on this day with a diamond the size of one of Mike Tyson’s gold teeth. But the worst part about the day is that I don’t like being “told” what to do, or made to feel that February 14th is a day of special significance above all others, a day where I show my undying love with the rest of the card carrying schmucks, husbands, and boyfriends who buy into the whole charade.

But I try. And I guess I must get points for that, because my wife always seems content with whatever I do, which really is pretty basic. Flowers. Chocolate. Her favorite take out food. Or a night out at our favorite restaurant—using coupons of course. And if we still have enough energy after putting the kids to bed, maybe a little rendezvous in the hay.

But the thing is, we can do that on any day. February 17th, April 12th, July 1st, September 22 are no different for us than February 14rth. And on days when there are no expectations anything can happen. It’s on those days—tabala rasa—where the real magic happens. An afternoon playing hooky from work to take a long walk in the woods can lead to a quiet appreciation of your partner. A friday night in the cheap hotel a mile from the house might just bring out a side in you, or better still, a side of your partner you only hoped was there. (As long as you can get the grandparents to babysit.) A surprise lunch at work perhaps shows your partner that you’re thinking of her beyond the bedroom. And a “Get out of Parenting” card where your partner can sit around and watch her favorite shows while you do the nighttime kid routine can lead to the other “Nighttime Routine.” (Except this time it’s not routine.)

And frankly, I perform much better when I don’t have the eyes of the world watching my back; and when I don’t have to compare tales by the water cooler the next day, like I compare summer vacations with other parents while attending Back to School Night and other fall functions. Somehow my “little” trip to California or Cape Cod—which I thought was amazing, and actually was—always seems to get dwarfed by somebody’s trip to the vineyards of France or the ancient ruins of Greece or the aquatic wonderland of the Bahamas or the rainforests of Belize. And then I’m left wondering if I even had a good time?

So I propose we change the focus of Valentine’s Day to the one day where we get to take a break from being romantic. Let’s just do the opposite as George Castanza said in the famous episode of Seinfeld. I say it should be a day where we all get to be selfish and irresponsible. It should be a day where we get to give the world “the bird.” A day where we can choose to do nothing or everything, with whomever we want or don’t want.

Because I believe that every day has the potential to be memorable and unique. Every day provides us the opportunity to be creative and show the people who are close to us how much we love them. And to me, saying “I love you” on a cold, random day in November is just as good, if not better, than giving flowers and chocolate on that “Go To” day in February.

But don’t worry, I’m too responsible to buck the trend completely. So I’ll have chocolates and flowers in tow as I do my best to follow the pack and conform. Because I do love my wife, and I also know if I ignore the day, she’ll have nothing to offer the next day in the powder room as her co-workers and friends talk about their amazing Valentine’s nights. And any reasonably intelligent guy knows that this is really what Valentine’s Day is all about.

The article originally appeared in the Gatehouse family of newspapers. Read Here.

“Bullying in a competitive world” by Saelen Ghose

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In fourth grade my parents sent me off to private school thinking it would be the best educational setting for my curious mind. But instead of becoming acquainted with Shakespeare, King, Lincoln, and Ghandi, I became “fast friends” with the bullies who would wait for me by the front steps in order to shout disparaging remarks about my Indian heritage, and who were even creative enough to make fun of the old brown station wagon my parents brought me to school in.

Bullying back then was commonplace, something to be endured, an infection that would settle in your body, growing insidiously like mold in the walls, that would then spread rapidly to any available host. Because bullying begets bullying.

To be fair, I spent some time in the bullying camp. It felt good to be included. It felt good to be part of the vocal majority, the people with power. But I’m hardly proud of those days. I might not be able to go back in time and change my behavior, but I can do my best to teach my own kids right from wrong.

But let’s play the devil’s advocate game: bullying is something that every child needs to go through. It makes them tougher. It teaches empathy. It’s just part of life. To which I would say, really? Does it really make them tougher? Or does it just make them meaner, and more apt to bully themselves? And at what age do the eventual lessons take hold? Does a seven year-old really learn something from being picked on?

Today, our general tolerance of bullying has changed. I became aware of this I when one of my children—a kindergartener at the time—had a serious issue with some sixth graders on the bus. I immediately took the problem to the principal of the school. And he told me, “You know the schools have a No Tolerance Policy.” He went on to explain the school’s stance on the issue of bullying, and swiftly took care of the problem. I was impressed, but more importantly, relieved that this wouldn’t become an ongoing issue.

But I can’t help wonder if our society has truly changed when it comes to bullying. Maybe the schools have altered their tune, but I’m not so sure we have collectively. There are some people who still blame the victim. “She shouldn’t have transferred schools.” “He shouldn’t have tried to be friends with those kids.” But many take the path of “no comment” because it’s too uncomfortable for them to think about, or get involved with. Because all of us fear being ostracized. We all want to be part of the “in-group” no matter what age we are. Side with the victim, and then possibly become a victim yourself. No thank you.

But bullying isn’t only happening in schools—it’s everywhere. On playdates. On ballfields. In the neighborhood. At work. And that’s where it gets all gray and fuzzy, because we live in a competitive society. The world’s population is growing, which means the pie is shrinking. Parents especially fear this inevitable change, so  sometimes inappropriate behavior is labeled as necessary competitive drive rather than what it really is: bullying.

And I’ll be frank. I’m as competitive as the rest. I don’t believe we should pretend that everyone is equally competent at all things when they’re not. Not every kid is good at sports. Some kids have trouble with reading. Others have trouble with math. Some kids move slowly. And some can’t slow their bodies down enough to follow directions.

But I also believe every child should have a chance to find something they’re good at. They should be given every opportunity possible to explore many avenues, and eventually get to taste at least a little piece of the pie. Because throwing the weak under the bus only makes our moral fiber weaker, which inevitably reflects on who we are as a society and as individuals.

As parents it’s hard to watch or hear about your kid being bullied or ostracized, especially as you feel the heat of anger rise from your toes, progress slowly up your spine, and finally settle at the base of your neck. But the rational part of you understands that the bullies are typically just kids trying to figure out where they fit in the world too. It’s a very complicated issue for sure.

I often think about those bullies at my old school and wonder if they are looking back at their past indiscretions as I am, and wondering why they behaved the way they behaved. Because being a parent will do that to you. It undresses you, exposes you, and makes you take a hard look at yourself. But then, gloriously it forgives, and it provides a chance to “make it all good.” Because the teachable moments are there every day, we just have to be aware enough to see them.

Readers: Please leave us a comment. 

What are your thoughts on the topic of bullying?

Have you experienced bullying yourself, or as a parent?

Please share any experiences you might have. Or insights.

Read some other parenting essays: 

Pride in the uniform

Magic of the holidays

Boredom’s gift

The second time around

Surviving a birthday sleepover

Dear Guys,

My husband came to me a month ago, smack in the middle of my breast cancer treatment, and told me he is not happy and hasn’t been for awhile. He told me he wanted a divorce. He said he used to be crazy about me, but he’s just going through the motions now.

I did not see this coming. I have had some trust issues with him because in the past I found flirty messages on his phone. I confronted him about them but have never really gotten over it. Things have been strained lately and I noticed for a couple months he’s been withdrawing, drinking more, and spending a lot of time in the garage.

I had a miscarriage, then got diagnosed with cancer, and on top of that, we bought a house together five months ago. He suggested a counselor, but then admitted after that he just didn’t really want it to work anyways. I’m devastated. The stress was too much for me so I decided to move out and get an attorney. We’ve been lashing out at each other with anger mostly about the house. I also found out he was seeing someone behind my back for a couple of months although he says it was emotional, not physical. (Yeah right.)

As much as I hate him for doing this to me right now, I love him and I miss him. Did I do the right thing by leaving? He had already checked out anyway and my pride wouldn’t let me beg. I’m so confused. When I went to move my things out he had taken all of the pictures down from the wall. He brought a list to the counselor of problems he saw with the marriage, including I don’t dress nice (same way I always dressed), I dont trust people (his self esteem; he has a history of depression), my self-confidence (which has obviously suffered from my treatment). He’s made it very clear he is not willing to invest any effort into fixing things at this point, and I’m pretty sure since I’ve moved out the other girl has been there.

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

Keri

Dear Keri,

Thanks for your question. We’re really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. We’ll try our best to make some sense of your situation.

When people think of marriage they think of two people falling in love. However, some people get married hoping that the other person will somehow make them whole, or make them feel happier. If they’re depressed this new person makes them feel better. If they have low self-esteem their new spouse boosts their confidence. If they’re angry this new person calms them down. If they’re adrift this new person serves as an anchor. But only for so long. Only until the “newness”wears off. From what you describe—the comments your husband’s made to you about the way you dress, the fact that he drinks and has been likely cheating, and the fact that he blames you for everything—the “newness” of your marriage has worn off and now he feels like something is missing.

We’re not saying that every marriage can be fixed. And we’re not saying people shouldn’t split up. (We believe that until you walk in someone else’s shoes you never really know what they’re going through.) But we will say the timing of your split is very unfortunate even though it makes sense in a way. If your husband has looked to you to solve his problems, then it only makes sense that he leaves when you’re least able to provide what he needs.

It also makes sense for you to still love him even though he’s treated you so poorly. Feelings don’t just disappear overnight; they fade over time with with repeated emotional blows by the other person. But even though you still have feelings for him that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have left. Most importantly you need to look after yourself. You need to be in a good frame of mind and as stress free as possible to help your body heal. And if your husband is not going to support you then you need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

Once again we’re really sorry this has happened. We can only offer our opinion based on the information you provide, but frankly, sometimes it’s hard to know exactly why people do what they do. Is it possible he could wake up one day—next week or ten years from now—and totally regret what he did? Absolutely. But you can’t live for that day. You have to take things a day at a time and do everything you can to stay positive for your own health.

Take care of yourself. We’re sending you positive thoughts.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

Other questions involving divorce:

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back? 

Divorced and online dating

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Divorced with kids dating a bachelor 

Divorced and now online dating; am I booty call or more?  

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

How to start a long distance relationship?

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace, 

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Read more questions about dating as a single mother: 

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household.  And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation.  OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate.  Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out?  Does he just have cold feet?  Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation?  What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you. 

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March.  He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore?  The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life.  My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him.  What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. In person, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thanks. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call. We seem to be getting a ton of these lately. 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

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Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us in person, and on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)