The Guy’s Perspective

Back Story:

Bob and Torrie are still together. Bob is now living with George and Dan.

George was married, but is splitting up with his wife. Actually he was kicked out.

Dan also had to move out of his parents’ house for certain transgressions.

Bob and George are at a speed dating luncheon.

Bob: George, why did you drag me here? If Torrie finds out she’s going to kill me.

George: C’mon Bob. I didn’t want to look like a loser coming alone.

Bob: Well, what do you think everyone’s here for? Everyone is single and alone. That’s the point!

George: Well, it’s just comforting having you here. I know you’ve got my back.

Bob: OK, I guess. One thing’s for sure, this will be interesting.

Moderator: OK folks, let’s get started. I think you know how this works. You get 5 minutes with each person. Try to get past small talk as quickly as you can. That way you can get a good sense of who the person really is. OK, are we ready?

Everyone nods.

Moderator: OK, here we go!!

Bob and George sit down with at different tables. We start with Bob.

Bob: Hi, how are you? I’m…..

Woman:(Cuts him off) How much money do you make?

Bob: Excuse me?

Woman: The moderator said, skip the small talk, so I am. How much money do you make?

Bob: You aren’t even going to ask me my name?

Woman: Nope. It’s not important. All that’s important to me is how much you make. Don’t waste my time if it’s less than six figures.

Bob: Wow, you’re a pleasant sort aren’t you? What’s your name?

Woman: (Ignores him) So do you make six figures or not?

Bob: Well, I happen to be an aspiring artist who…..(She cuts him off again)

Woman: Well good for you….. Next!

Bob: What do you mean next?  How do you know I don’t make six figures?

Woman: Oh please. You’re an artist! And look how you’re dressed. No chance!

Bob looks down at himself.

Bob: What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?

Silence.

Bob: You’re really not going to talk to me?

Silence.

Bob: (Sarcastically) Boy, I’m so happy to have met you……..(Note to self) Kill George!!

Meanwhile George is having a grand time. WE catch them in mid-conversation.

George: Well your job sounds like a blast. Except your boss of course. He sounds like a real piece of work.

Angie(His partner): Well he got “HIS” in the end.

George: What do you mean?

Angie: Well I told you my boss had been hitting on me since I started working there. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. So one night we had an office party. I slipped a little extra something in his drink. Then I held his hand and led him into his office pretending I was going to give him what he wanted.

George: You are bad!

Angie: Well, I’m still getting to the good part.

George: That wasn’t the good part?

Angie: No….So once the drugs kicked in, he passed out I cranked the Air Conditioning so it was freezing in there. I pulled down his pants and let him lie there for a bit. You know SHRINKAGE……Then I took some photos.

George: Really? Uh…..

Angie: Yep. Then I put the pics on the work online bulletin board.

George: But couldn’t you get in trouble for that?

Angie: Yeah, except he can’t remember a thing. And no one else saw anything. He’s also too embarrassed by the whole thing to even say anything. The pictures weren’t very flattering if you know what I mean.

George: Ummm…..I guess so…….

Angie: I just don’t like sleazy guys. You know the type. Always checking out women. Maybe into porn. Cheat……I’d do a lot worse if I caught my boyfriend cheating or something.

George gulps……..

Angie: But, you seem like a nice guy. So what are your interests? What do you like to do with your free time?

George: Uhh…….

Moderator rings bell

Moderator: OK, next table.

Angie: Nice to have met you. I’m going to mark you down as someone I’d like to see again. Hope you do the same.

George: Uh, yeah sure. See ya.

George gives Bob a look. Bob nods in pain. They meet another seven women each. An hour goes by.

Moderator rings final bell.

Moderator:Thank you everyone. Please put your cards in the box and we’ll let you know if you have any matches. Good luck!

Bob and George get out of there fast.

Bob: Thank god that’s over! Out of the hour we were there, I must have sat in silence for half of it.

George: What?

Bob: Forget it. So did you meet anyone interesting?

George: Yeah, interesting, but Psycho!……Sorry Bob, this was a bad idea.

Bob: Don’t think you’re getting off that easy. You owe me big time.

George: Fine, I’ll buy dinner.

Bob looks at him with that “this better be good” look.

George: OK, Yes, I’ll take you to your favorite restaurant, “Sprouts Paradise”

Bob: All is forgiven.

This is episode #4 of the second season of “Bob the Vegan.”

Read the first three episodes to get caught up.

Speed Dating

The New Job

The Boss

Episode 4: The Handyman

Bob is meeting up with Dan and George.

Bob: Hey Dan, nice to see you.

Dan: Nice to see you too. (They do the man hug)

Bob: Ever since you moved in with Victoria it’s been radio silence.

Dan: I know, I’m sorry man. It’s just, she’s keeping me busy. She’s such a freak!

Bob: I’m assuming, that’s “freak,” as in Freaky!

Dan: You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Bob: You’re right, and I don’t want to know.

Dan: Suit yourself……..hey, I thought George was coming too.

Bob: He said, he’d be here, so I’m sure he’s just running late. You know he started his own business as a handyman?

Dan: Really!?? I didn’t know! So cool! Hopefully that will keep him busy. It’s sad about Amy and him breaking up.What’s the latest on that?

Bob: It looks like the divorce is going to go through in a month. He’s pretty bummed, so don’t bring it up. I want to have fun tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy’s night!

Dan: Here he comes now……Yo, George!

George: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.

Dan: Hey old buddy, it’s been too long.

George: Way too long!

(They do the man hug too. Bob as well)

Dan: So George, how’s the new job. I didn’t know you were a handyman now. In fact I didn’t know you could fix anything??

George: Yeah, I learned from my Grandpa. He was a handyman too. It’s fun. But I’ve got to tell you what’s been happening.

Bob: What do you mean?

George: Let’s get a beer first and I’ll tell you about it.

They order. The drinks arrive.

Bob: So what’s going on?

George: OK. So I’ve gotten a few small jobs  in town. The usual stuff. You know, painting, hammering, etc. Well anyway, I get this call to do a job in the Heights. You know, the ritzy, snooty suburb about twenty minutes west of town.

Dan: Yawn.

George: What?

Dan: Is this going to be some lame work story?

George: Will you please chill and listen!

Dan: Fine.

Bob: And??

George: So I show up at this big ass house. A woman answers the door. She was probably in her early 50s. Very nice. Great shape.  Apparently her sink was clogged or something.

Bob: Her sink’s clogged?

George: Yeah.

Dan: Hmm…..this is getting more interesting.

George: No, it wasn’t like that. Her ACTUAL sink was clogged. So I’m working and she’s chatting away. Recently divorced. Her ex was a businessman. Traveled a ton and cheated on her in every state. So I’m nodding along, but by now I’m really just trying to fix the sink so I can get out of there. The conversation is starting to make me a bit nervous. So I finish up and start to pack up my things when she says she almost forgot that her washing machine has been acting up and would I mind taking a look at it. She says she’ll pay me for my time. So I say fine.

Bob: OK, I’m nervous to know what’s coming.

Dan: I’m not. This is better than I thought.

George: ANYWAY……so we head down in the basement and we go into this small room where the washer and dryer are. She says, that it’s not spinning properly or something like that. So I put down my tools and I’m looking inside the washer for a minute. When I turn around to get a tool to tighten a screw, she’s completely naked.

Bob: WHAT!!!

Dan: I knew it!

George: It’s even better. She comes over and leans against me and says she’ll pay me whatever I want.

Bob: Are you serious?

George: Yep.

Dan: Nice!

Bob: So what did you do?

George: What did you think I did?

Bob: I hope you you thanked her for the offer and got the hell out of there.

Dan: Are you nuts Bob!! Please tell me you took her up on her offer George!

George: You damn right! I hoisted her right up on the washing machine. I guess it was never broken, because she turned it on while we were doing it. Seemed to make her go crazy! And I wasn’t arguing.

Bob: You are crazy.

George: No, I’m not. And still I haven’t gotten to the best part.

Dan: What?? What??

George: She paid me five bills for my time.

Bob: Five hundred dollars!!!

George: Well, I did fix the sink. And technically the washer too.

Dan: Wait, let me get this straight. You were there for what, two hours. You did a little work and got laid. And on top of that you got paid half a grand?

George: All true.

Dan: SWEET!!!!! High five my man! (They slap hands)

Bob: So now you’re a gigolo?

George: Oh c’mon Bob. No harm, no foul. She was happy as hell. I was happy as hell. She’s loaded. I’m broke. What’s wrong with that?

Bob: You had sex for money! That’s what’s wrong. And you took advantage of a poor divorced woman.

George: Bob, you need to stop being such a goody, goody boy, or we’re going to kick you out of the sewing circle.

Bob: Fine, but this is trouble in the making.

Dan: Bob, I see no harm in this. George had some fun. And he made some serious coin doing it. So I say, good for you George!….. When are you going back?

George: And now for the best part. I’ve been going every Thursday for the last three weeks!  I do some chores around her house and then we go at it. She loves doing it in whatever part of the house I’m working in. I guess the smell of construction and sweat makes her horny.

Bob: Nothing good is going to come of this.

Dan: Oh lighten up Bob, it’s all good. This is exactly what George needs. Let’s have another beer! Maybe talking about work isn’t so bad.

George: So Bob, how’s the coffee shop?

Bob: Don’t even go there.

Bob and Torrie at Bob's house.

Bob: So what do you mean you're not getting your needs met? That sounds kind of ominous.

Torrie: No, I don't mean like that.

Bob: Well, what do you mean?

Torrie: First of all you're never available anymore. And when you are, we never go out!!

Bob: Torrie, I have a new job that I like. I'm lucky to have one in this economy, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan. How can you work in a coffee shop?

Bob: Vegans can drink coffee, they just can't put milk in it.

Torrie: Well what about the sandwiches you serve? Those aren't vegan. Doesn't that bother you?

Bob: Well we also offer sandwiches that are vegan. I'm trying to make the place as progressive as possible. The owner really likes the direction I'm taking it and he says business has never been better.

Torrie: Well, I'd watch him as well. He's after you too.

Bob: What are you talking about? Thomas isn't gay.

Torrie: Oh please, he's totally gay.

Bob: How do you know?

Torrie: How do I know? I'll give you three examples. One: He calls himself Thomas instead of Tom. Two: I know for a fact he prefers a bath over a shower. Three: He has a membership to Remy's Gym. And you know the rumors about that place.

Bob: How do you know all this stuff?

Torrie: Well, I, um…….

Bob: Torrie????

Torrie: OK fine, I've been following him.

Bob: What!!! You've been following him?

Torrie: Yeah, I've been following him.

Bob: I can't believe this. Really? Why?

Torrie: Please, I've seen the way he looks at you. I wanted to find out if my suspicions were true.

Bob: Wow, I'm shocked.

Torrie: Well, it seems like you've got a bunch of admirers over there.

Bob: Torrie, it's just that one customer and he's totally harmless. Not Thomas. And even if Thomas is gay, he's totally professional and totally cool. I like him. He's become a friend.

Torrie: Yeah right. A friend with benefits.

Bob: Is that what this is all about? When you say you're not getting your needs met that's really just you being jealous?? Over my boss? Who's a guy? Even though you know I love you. (Pause) You know what, I'm beginning to wonder.

Torrie: Oh you are??!! Well, I'll have you know that I've got a lot of admirers too.

Bob: I bet you do.

Torrie: Yes I do. You'd be surprised at how many guys take my Step Class.

Bob: Well that's news to me. Are you threatening me?

Torrie: Nope, I'm just saying I have admirers too.

Bob: That sounds like a threat. I thought we were well beyond this kind of interaction. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or paying that much attention to you, but I'm trying hard to focus on myself and my career. It's exciting, don't you understand that?

Torrie: Yes, but there has to be a balance.

Bob: Yes, but balance is created over a long period of time. I agree, it's a little out of whack right now. But that's how things work. You've been talking about going back to school. Well if you do, you'll be extremely busy and that's the way it will be. You'll have no choice and you'll expect me to be supportive. Well, that's what I'm expecting, or I should say, hoping, you'll be now. (Pause) But please, don't threaten me. That's just not good for our relationship. And it doesn't work for me at all. (pause) (Sighs) Even though I'm pretty pissed, I will say to you that you don't have anything to worry about with my boss, any guy or any other girl for that matter. So enough already. Don't you trust me?

Torrie: You're right. Damn, I just get so worked up. I'm sorry Bob. I do trust you, more than anyone I've ever been with, but you know how I am with trust in general.

Bob: We can work on that together, but you need to work on that by yourself too. Maybe there's someone you could talk to?

Torrie: You mean a therapist?

Bob: Maybe. I mean anyone. Sometimes it's good to get another opinion and some objective insight.
It's something to think about.

Torrie: OK. I will think about it. But for now, how about helping me with some of my other needs?

Bob: Sounds good to me. Come here you! I do have one need in particular that requires your special attention.

Torrie: Yum!!! I'm glad I'm not a vegan.

Welcome to Season 2 of Bob the Vegan. No, we're not on TV….YET!! 

For all the episodes from Season 1, check out the category section in the right column of this BLOG.

Episode 1: Speed Dating

Bob and George are at a speed dating luncheon. 

Bob: George, why did you drag me here? If Torrie finds out she's going to kill me.

George: C'mon Bob. I didn't want to look like a loser coming alone.

Bob: Well, what do you think everyone's here for? Everyone is single and alone. That's the point!

George: Well, it's just comforting having you here. I know you've got my back.

Bob: OK, I guess. One thing's for sure, this will be interesting.

Moderator: OK folks, let's get started. I think you know how this works. You get 5 minutes with each person. Try to get past small talk as quickly as you can. That way you can get a good sense of who the person really is. OK, are we ready?

Everyone nods.

Moderator: OK, here we go!!

Bob and George sit down with at different tables. We start with Bob.

Bob: Hi, how are you? I'm…..

Woman:(Cuts him off) How much money do you make?

Bob: Excuse me?

Woman: The moderator said, skip the small talk, so I am. How much money do you make?

Bob: You aren't even going to ask me my name?

Woman: Nope. It's not important. All that's important to me is how much you make. Don't waste my time if it's less than six figures.

Bob: Wow, you're a pleasant sort aren't you? What's your name?

Woman: (Ignores him) So do you make six figures or not?

Bob: Well, I happen to be an aspiring artist who…..(She cuts him off again)

Woman: Well good for you….. Next!

Bob: What do you mean next?  How do you know I don't I don't make six figures?

Woman: Oh please. You're an artist! And look how you're dressed. No chance!

Bob looks down at himself.

Bob: What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

Silence.

Bob: You're really not going to talk to me?

Silence.

Bob: (Sarcastically) Boy, I'm so happy to have met you……..(Note to self) Kill George!!

Meanwhile George is having a grand time. WE catch them in mid-conversation.

George: Well your job sounds like a blast. Except your boss of course. He sounds like a real piece of work.

Angie(His partner): Well he got "HIS" in the end.

George: What do you mean?

Angie: Well as I told you my boss had been hitting on me since I started working there. He just wouldn't leave me alone. So one night we had an office party. I slipped a little extra something in his drink. Then I called him in his office pretending I was going to give him what he wanted.

George: You are bad!

Angie: Well, I'm still getting to the good part.

George: That wasn't the good part?

Angie: No….So once he passed out I cranked the Air Conditioning so it was freezing in there. I pulled down his pants and let him lie there for a bit. You know SHRINKAGE……Then I took some photos.

George: Really? Uh…..

Angie: Yep. Then I put the pics on the work online bulletin board.

George: But couldn't you get in trouble for that?

Angie: Yeah, except he can't remember a thing. And no one else saw anything. He's also too embarrassed by the whole thing to even say anything. The pictures weren't very flattering if you know what I mean.

George: Ummm…..I guess so…….

Angie: I just don't like sleazy guys. You know the type. Always checking out women. Maybe into porn. Cheat……I'd do a lot worse if I caught my boyfriend cheating or something.

George gulps……..

Angie: But, you seem like a nice guy. So what are your interests? What do you like to do with your free time?

George: Uhh…….

Moderator rings bell

Moderator: OK, next table.

Angie: Nice to have met you. I'm going to mark you down as someone I'd like to see again. Hope you do the same.

George: Uh, yeah sure. See ya.

George gives Bob a look. Bob nods in pain. They meet another seven women each. An hour goes by.

Moderator rings final bell.

Moderator:Thank you everyone. Please put your cards in the box and we'll let you know if you have any matches. Good luck!

Bob and George get out of there fast.

Bob: Thank god that's over! Out of the hour we were there, I must have sat in silence for half of it.

George: What?

Bob: Forget it. So did you meet anyone interesting?

George: Yeah, interesting, but Psycho!……Sorry Bob, this was a bad idea.

Bob: Don't think you're getting off that easy. You owe me big time.

George: Fine, I'll buy dinner.

Bob looks at him with that "this better be good" look.

George: OK, Yes, I'll take you to your favorite restaurant, "Sprouts Paradise"

Bob: All is forgiven.