“Rebecca, a memoir” by Charlotte Pescale (Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4)
© 2012 Charlotte Pescale ”All Rights Reserved”
Start from the beginning:
Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 2 (Scroll Down)
Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll Down)
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And now:
Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4
Darryl leaves on a Monday. It’s colder than it should be for May, and I’m wearing a heavy sweater. But it doesn’t matter because I’m even colder inside. As if I’m reverting back to my arctic self, the person I was before there was Darryl. But fuck this. I wrap my sweater tighter and give myself a pep talk. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only a week. We hug goodbye for what feels like an hour and off he departs to another part of the world. I sigh and tell myself it’s a good week to be productive. It’s a good time to do errands and get some things done that I need to get done. Like pay bills. Grocery shop. You know the usual crap.
Darryl and I text four or five times a day. It usually takes him a while to respond to my messages, but when he does he’s always apologetic saying he was in a meeting, or out to lunch with a potential client, or touring some factory. I get it, but I don’t like it. I also don’t like that I’m always the one initiating the text conversation. But I know that guys aren’t typically that communicative, so I try not to dwell on it.
Since I’m alone this week I figure it’s a good time to close out my online profile. I make a mental note to thank a few of my friends that pushed me to do it. It turned out better than I ever could have hoped. As I click on my profile I can see that I’ve gotten a bunch of new messages. Actually a few from some of the same old crew that I’m totally not interested in, but a few new ones as well. I read every profile just because I’m bored. A few interesting people. One guy runs an organic farm, another is a beat reporter for the local baseball team, and another is a podiatrist. I’m not sure why I think the podiatrist is interesting, but I’ve always had a thing about feet I guess. But in general I’m hardly interested in any of these new messages now that Darryl’s in my life.
As I begin to close out my account a thought crosses my mind. I wonder if Darryl has closed out his account? Wouldn’t that tell me something? Wouldn’t that give me some indication about how into me he is? Well, not necessarily. I know he’s been busy, so even if it’s still up that doesn’t mean he’s not planning on removing it as soon as he has a chance. But I should check just to see. Shouldn’t I? Or am I crossing the line? Maybe it’s none of my business? It’s not like we’ve talked about being exclusive. It’s only been a month or so. But it sure feels exclusive, at least for me. And how could it be any different for him? Doesn’t he always say he can’t get enough of me?
I’m scared. Really scared. But my curiosity gets the best of me. It always does. I click on his original note to me and wait for just a moment. My computer sucks. And then, sure enough, Darryl’s beautiful face pops up on my screen.
I stare. I pause. I sink. I look again just be sure. Then I sink some more. What does it mean? Does it mean anything? He probably just hasn’t had time to remove it. I mean, I’m just getting to remove mine today. And he’s even busier than me. But then I notice something else. Something’s different. What’s this? Is this an update? Did he change his profile description? No, it can’t be? But it is. And I sink some more.
Darryl’s been on here recently because he mentions his trip to China. And now I can’t breathe. This sucks. This type of quiet is different than what I’ve been experiencing with Darryl. This kind of quiet happens at the moment you realize that your life has changed in some way. Forever.
I hate this.
I don’t know what to do. I’m paralyzed. I don’t know how I will possibly get through this week. My head is now in full orbital angst. I feel dead inside.
But I’m not quitter. I take life hard, but one thing I do is bounce back. Or at least I try. Part of what happens for me, is once I consider the worst case scenario—that Darryl has been faking it this whole time—I’m able to function again. And I try to come up with some kind of plan.
I start by asking my friend Ted what he thinks. He’s level headed. He says it’s not a big deal. “Darryl just doesn’t want to commit yet. I mean Rebecca, it’s only been a month.”
Okay, Ted is no help. So I ask Julie and Kathy. But they’re no help either because my sadness makes them angry at Darryl, and then it becomes about their anger towards men, not my problem. This is the problem with bitch sessions among women. They just can’t stick to the issue. It always gets into a full blown discussion about why men suck. I don’t hate men, I just hate how they make me feel sometimes.
So it’s up to me to figure this out. Which is what it always comes down to anyway. Friends and family are always well-intentioned, but they come with their own baggage and set of issues, so in the end the only person who can figure this out is you. Me.
So I stop texting Darryl.
Well, this is one way to get Darryl’s attention. As soon as I stop initiating texts my phone doesn’t stop buzzing. Interesting. Is this really how guys are? I never went for all that ‘you’ve got to let him pursue you’ crap, but clearly there’s some truth to it. But when I really think about it it doesn’t make sense because eventually you have to let him catch you, right? I mean at some point the pursuing has to end otherwise you can never actually have a relationship? I just don’t get it.
But I do get sick. Nothing horrible, just a bad cold. I hate everything about the cold. Being cold and having a cold. And it feels like I will be cold forever, like a space vessel that’s broken free from the gravitational pull and is rocketing through the heavens for all eternity.
Darryl arrives back on Friday evening late and texts me to see if I’d like to get together. But I tell him I’m still not feeling better. I suggest the next day. The truth is, my cold is better, but I don’t know how to face him. Should I be upset? I’m not sure. I don’t know what to think. All I know is I feel lost. Like the heavens collapsed and I’m falling and falling.
Next Up: Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 5 and Final
“Rebecca, a memoir” by Charlotte Pescale (Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3)
© 2012 Charlotte Pescale “All Rights Reserved”
Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com (Charlotte is seeking representation for her book)
To start at the beginning read:
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2 (scroll down)
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Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3
Darryl surprises me with tickets to the planetarium. I had mentioned the day before that I loved looking at stars. And that one of my favorite childhood memories was being woken up by my dad in the middle of the night to go up to the field behind our house and look through his fancy telescope at all the constellations. Thinking about it now, my love of stars probably has more to do with remembering the precious time alone with my father—I had three siblings and getting alone time with a parent was rare— rather than the actual planetary matter in the sky, but either way I know Darryl was listening to me yesterday, because here we are.
As the lights begin to dim Darryl leans in close to me and whispers, “I’m so glad you’re here with me.”
He’s taken me off guard so I just look at him and smile. God, he’s beautiful.
As I push my seat back, I take in the salt and pepper sky above me. It’s as if the world is opening up to me, and I’m finally able to see beyond the atmosphere, finally getting a glimpse into heaven. And I’m happy. Maybe Darryl can read my mind, maybe not, but he casually rests his hand on my leg, and I heat up like a cosmic collision. I might be gazing up at a dark sky and thousands of pieces of galactic matter, but in my seat, next to Darryl, the sun is burning hot between my thighs.
After the show, the plan is to have drinks at the local bar. Instead I suggest we skip the local dive and have a drink at his place. We do. But then we skip the drinks part and just fuck. I say fuck, because honestly I’ve never really been a make love kind of girl. For me sex needs to be unrestrained, uninhibited, with full disclosure. Making love always feels a bit too nice to me. Too clean. Too careful.
Darryl and I aren’t careful, we’re frenzied, rushed, eager. His hands feel dangerous as they slide down my pants and cup my ass, lifting me off the ground, pulling me close. Then he’s grinding his cock against the front of my jeans, while his fingers grope me from behind, searching for my wet places. Finding them. I open my mouth to gasp, but I’m only able to exhale one shallow breath.
My eyes now encourage him and let him know that he can explore any part of me he wants. And he does; with his lips. Slowly. Measured. Exact. And now sounds are coming out of me in quick bursts, and I’m trying to catch my breath. And he drinks and drinks, as if his thirst will never be quenched.
I think at some point I’ll dry up. But my cunt is impossibly wet, and getting wetter the more he explores.
Now I want him. Inside me. And my hips invite him on their own. He accepts their invitation. And as he enters me we form our own constellation that shines on and on through the night.
It’s 6am. I awaken to the faint smell of last night on the sheets, and a note.
Rebecca,
I had a great time last night with you. Definitely some firsts!
Do it again tonight?
Darryl
I say yes out loud even though I know no one is there to listen. Yes, Yes, Yes. And then I look at the clock and say No. No. Oh, No! And I rush home and get ready for work. I’m late for the first time in four years.
It goes on like this for a month.
How to describe our first month together? I can only describe it terms of, laughter. chocolate, and quiet.
Laughter. More like endless giggles. Giggles the day he dons a batman mask and cape and runs around the apartment naked, his cock slapping against his stomach as he hops around, then tripping over a five pound dumbbell, skidding across the floor in pain.
Laughter when he’s slamming me from behind, and even though I try my best to hold it, the fart gets the best of me. He pulls out laughing. I fart again. This time a cunt fart.
Laughter in unison at the movies. Laughter watching kids on the playground do the silly things kids do as we stroll through the park hand in hand. Laughter just for the sake of laughter, because we’re happy.
Then chocolate. No dark chocolate. Lots of it. The only thing that abets my cravings during my time away from him. He’s been taking business trips once a week and on those days I seem to dip into my chocolate stash every hour on the hour. The byproduct, I’ve gained five pounds. Five pounds of chocolate happiness. Darryl notices but he doesn’t seem to care. In fact he comments on how much he likes my ass with the extra meat.
Quiet. I learn about making love, and I retract my previous statements. It’s amazing to enjoy each other without making any sounds. Our eyes do the talking. And our bodies. Heavenly bodies.
Quiet. Quiet walks with no words needed, the world spinning in the background, with us unaware. Just being. Being with each other. Reading books in bed. Sharing the Sunday paper with coffee. Connecting by touch, by feel, by smell. Flexing our other senses.
During this month the days at school are long and seem to move more slowly than I remember. And the long evenings with Darryl move faster than I’d like.
I don’t tell him, but I’ve fallen for him. I know it’s only been a month, but I just have that feeling. You know the one. As if nothing else matters. As if nothing else ever mattered before him. Like my real life has just begun and I’ve left my virtual one behind. Finally. Like Jill Scott says in the tune “Love, Rain.” Love is really raining down on me.
I just hope he feels the same way. He must? I’m not sure. I’m never sure about these kinds of things. He sure acts like he’s totally into me, but who knows? I sure as hell don’t know. And I sure don’t want to ask him. I don’t want to hear if he doesn’t. And I don’t want to start making things too heavy. I don’t want to scare him away. But even my doubts are not enough to sour the elation I feel. My head has yet to leave the sky.
Then his first extended business trip comes up, and he tells me he has to go to China for a week. I expected this, but I’m not ready. Not yet. Probably never. I’m bummed and I try hard not to show it, but I can’t help myself. Darryl picks up on it and smiles, pulls me close to him and kisses the top of my head. I nuzzle my head into his neck and inhale. He smells like a sweet fern, my sweet fern.
Next up: Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4
To start from the beginning just scroll down to introduction.
“Rebecca, a memoir” by Charlotte Pescale (Chapter One: Darryl-Part 2)
© 2012 Charlotte Pescale ”All rights reserved”
Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com
To start from the beginning Read/or Read entire story:
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll up)
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4 (Scroll up)
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Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2
I roll out of bed at 8am and the first thing I think is, what the fuck am I going to wear? Shit!
Do I go jeans and a sweater? No, it’s too hot for that. What if I wear shorts? Would that be inappropriate? It’s probably fine I think, but I decide against it anyway. I don’t want to give him a show of my legs right off the bat. I consider a cute skirt that drops down just below my knees but then decide it’s a bit too much for the first date. Finally after about thirty minutes of throwing my clothes all over my bedroom, I decide to wear jeans after all, and I pair them with a cute red blouse that has gold buttons running from top to bottom. (Sounds odd, but trust me, it’s cute.)
I take so long to figure out what to wear that I don’t even have time to dry my hair after washing it. It looks like I’m going with the windblown look today. I just have to keep telling myself, who cares? It’s one date. If it doesn’t go well, I won’t be any worse off than I was yesterday, or the day before, or last month.
I arrive at the coffee shop ten minutes early and Darryl’s not there. So I pick a table kind of out of the way so we can have some privacy. Not because I care if anyone listens to our conversation, but because if the date turns out to be a disaster I want to be able to make a quick and inconspicuous getaway.
Twenty minutes go by and Darryl still hasn’t arrived, which means he’s about ten minutes late, and I’m starting to get pissed. I look around at all the faces and everyone seems to be happy, content, fulfilled. A good cup of coffee will sometimes do that to you, but I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. I’m getting sick of being alone. Why can’t I find someone to be happy with? With that thought I look up to find a guy smiling down at me.
“Hi, I’m Darryl,” he says with a big grin on his face.
“Hi” I barely manage to say, forgetting that I was pissed off a second ago.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Rebecca.”
Just the way he says it immediately puts me at ease. But I’m still not sure what to say so I just smile, and start to get up so we can go order together. I figure we should probably go dutch even if it’s just coffee. Rules are rules you know. But he tells me to sit down.
“What would you like?” he says still beaming at me.
“Why don’t we order together?”
“Don’t be silly. It’s just coffee. And I promise you won’t be indebted to me in any way.”
He says the right thing—I hate feeling like the guy’s going to want sex just because he bought me dinner— so I tell him I’d like a large black. He smiles even wider, almost laughs. Shit, what did I say? No, I didn’t mean it like that? Darryl isn’t really black, but he’s sure brown enough to misinterpret my order. God I am such an idiot. I want to tell him that that wasn’t some Freudian slip, and that I’m not that kind of girl—even though I might be— but he’s already at the counter ordering.
I watch him. Darryl fills out his clothes well. He’s also wearing jeans, and they’re tight. But not too tight, just tight enough so I can see he’s got an ass. Guys with flat asses just don’t do it for me. One check mark for Darryl. On top he’s wearing a tan sweater with a zipper just at the top, which he’s chosen to keep open. He’s pushed his sleeves up and I can see his arms are well defined, but not crazy muscular like those ridiculous guys at the gym. Overall Darryl seems very comfortable in his skin and what’s even scarier: he’s probably even hotter than his profile picture, which spells trouble for me.
Darryl sits down, hands me my coffee and starts asking me all sorts of questions. How long have I lived in town? What side of town do I live on? What kinds of things do I like to do on the weekends besides what I wrote in my profile? It goes on for a while and I think I must be boring him to tears, but there he is, head nodding, seemingly attentive and interested.
“So what do you do for work Rebecca?”
“I teach elementary school,” I say waiting for the response I typically get. Oh that must be so fun. But he surprises me.
“That must be really challenging and difficult,” he says with a serious look in his eyes. “Working with kids is probably the most important job anyone could do.”
Is he serious? I look at him closely and wonder if he’s playing with me. But he seems very serious. And after he goes on and on about how much he loves kids and that he has a brother who’s fifteen years younger than he is, and how he feels responsible for him since his father passed away a few years ago, I feel my mind leave my body to get some space to think near the ceiling. And as my mind levitates in the quiet expanse of the open beamed ceiling I realize I really like this guy.
“That’s a pretty blouse you have on,” he says.
My mind is still floating above me and has yet to reenter my body so I don’t respond.
“I said that’s a pretty blouse you’re wearing.”
I look at him blankly and then I wake up startled and say thanks.
“Will you excuse me for one second. I need to use the ladies room. I think the coffee is running right through me,” I say.
“Sure”
I get up from the table and I feel self-conscious walking through the maze of tables to get to the restroom—why did I pick the table so far from the bathroom? Idiot—because I know he must be watching me.
I’m finally able to breathe as I look in the mirror. I wonder if the date’s going well for Darryl. I know it is for me. I splash some water on my face and close my eyes for a moment. I’m tired. Darryl has tired me out but in a good way. I’m satisfied tired. I slowly open my eyes to check my makeup before I head back out to the table.
As I look at myself, do a double take, and then I gasp. Oh no! In the frenzy of getting out of the house on time this morning, I apparently forgot to check all the buttons on my blouse. Because in the mirror, clear as day, I have a great view of my left breast, poking it’s firm little head right through my shirt. You’ve got to be kidding me?! My face turns lipstick red and I start sweating. How fucking embarrassing? I clutch the countertop to keep from falling down. What must he think of me? Now I actually think my legs are going to give out so I squeeze the countertop harder. The last thing I want to do is go back out and face him. What a disaster.
I text my friend Kathy to tell what’s happened but she’s not answering. So I text my friend Julie. She sends back three letters: LOL!!!! Yeah, real fuckin’ funny I text back. She tells me to calm down and that it will be okay. I tell her I’ll talk to her later.
I think about my breasts for a moment. And I think about Darryl, and then I realize that not once did I see him staring at them. In fact he was very good about maintaining eye contact the whole time we were talking. Maybe he didn’t notice? Or even better, he did notice but was able to maintain control of himself even with my left breast sticking out of my shirt. Maybe he’s actually interested in what I have to say. Maybe he’s really interested in me. That would be a nice change from some of the other guys I’ve dated. I mull this over for a bit, gather myself, and walk back to the table.
He smiles. God, I love his smile.
We finish the date with me asking the questions, mainly because I don’t want the conversation to get redirected back on me. I find out he works in the clean tech industry, specifically with solar power. He seems passionate about it, although most of what he says is more technical than I’m interested in. But I do hear that he travels to China frequently for business. I make a mental note to think about that later. Somehow business trips don’t sit that well with me.
Before we get up to go he asks for my number. I give it to him. Then we hug goodbye. And that’s that.
Later I’m processing the date with my friend Kathy.
“I got your text. Sorry I missed you. So how was it?” she says.
“It was much better than expected,” I say casually, not wanting to give away how much I’m into Darryl.
“So basically, you’ve already decided he’s the one, right?”
“Damn, Kathy. Am I that transparent?”
“I can see it in your eyes honey. Remember, we were roommates in college? I’ve seen that look before.”
“But this is different. This is special. I just know it.” I pause. “Well, except for the two red flags.”
“And those would be?”
“Well, he was about 15 minutes late. Kind of seems disrespectful, especially for a first date. Although after he got there I almost didn’t care. God he’s gorgeous.”
“Well, that’s not so bad. What’s the other?”
“He travels a lot.”
“And? What’s wrong with that besides that he’s away?”
“Well, you know. Who knows what he’ll be doing when he’s away? Who he’ll be seeing? That’s a lot of time he’ll be unaccounted for.”
“Okay, but let’s not jump the gun here. You’ve only had coffee together. Why don’t we wait to see how the second date goes?”
“You’re right. I need to be patient.”
But I’m hardly that. I’m impulsive, impetuous, hasty, and rash, probably more so than some of the eight year old boys in my class this year. So I’m thrilled when Darryl texts me a few hours later to tell me he had a great time. And to ask me out for the very next night.
Next Up: Chapter Three: The Planets Align
For the Full Story Read: The Introduction and Chapter One. (Scroll Down)
“Rebecca, a memoir” by Charlotte Pescale (Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 1)
© 2012 Charlotte Pescale “All rights reserved”
Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com
Read the whole story:
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2 (Scroll Up)
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll Up)
Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4 (Scroll Up)
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Chapter One: Darryl – Part 1
I meet Darryl online.
It takes a lot of prompting from friends for me to actually join one of those online dating sites. But I have no plausible argument against it. I’m not having much luck at the bars. Taking adult education classes at night is a waste of time. I’m certainly not meeting anyone at the elementary school I teach at. And the guys I meet at the gym are either losers or muscle heads, or both. So I figure, why not? What do I really have to lose? I already feel like a dating loser anyway.
Once I decide to try online dating I then have to figure out which service to use. Did you know there are literally hundreds of sites and services to choose from, all spouting some unique reason to join? You can pretty much meet any kind of person you want to meet. If you want to cheat on your partner, well, there are sites for that. If you want a threesome, no problem. If you’re looking to date people who are your same religion or ethnicity, that’s easy. And if you have some kind of fetish—a foot fetish perhaps, or an adult lactation fetish—well there are sites for you as well. For me, I just want the ordinary, “gal meets guy,” type of site.
I finally pick one and figure the hard part is over. But no, actually the hard part is just beginning. Now I have to put up a profile and write a description about myself. Ugh. I hate writing bios. And I suck at it. I guess everyone kind of sucks at writing about themselves. You either sound like you’re bragging, or you sound boring as hell. Finding the right balance takes me a long time.
I start with my goals. I have only one: To make sure my inbox doesn’t get flooded by a bunch of guys who I will never be interested in. So I start off a bit negatively.
My first profile:
If you’re a loser please don’t contact me. I’ve had my fill of losers over the past few years, and I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.
You can see from my picture what I look like so I won’t get into that. But I think I look better in person than I do in pictures.
I teach third grade. I like reading. I enjoy the outdoors and any kind of exercise frankly. Hiking. Biking. Tennis. Basketball. It’s all good.
I despise arrogance and cheesy pick up lines, so please don’t contact me if you’re one of those guys. I appreciate honesty, kindness, and certainly a guy with a good sense of humor.
If you’ve gotten this far maybe you’re still interested. If so, drop me a note and I’ll get back to you.
Yours,
Rebecca
Well, I get five responses with my first profile attempt. The first three are from male elementary school teachers who try to use their vocation as a way to show me how in touch they are with their feminine side. Yuck. I want a guy’s guy, not some male version of me. The next response I get is from some singer songwriter who writes stale lyrics about unrequited love. No thank you. And finally I get a note from a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend and is looking for a woman with an edge, maybe a woman with a tinge of anger. Yikes. Time to get back to the drawing board.
Before I make a second attempt I consult a few guy friends and they say I need to be more positive.
“Rebecca, you’ve got to give the guys a chance,” my friend Ted says. “Your profile is too threatening.”
“But all I said was I didn’t want losers contacting me.”
“I understand. But YOU have to understand that even though guys might act all confident, that doesn’t mean they are. In fact, most of the guys scouring these sites will probably think you’re speaking directly to them, and will think it’s not worth the effort.”
“Really?” I say.
I’m not certain whether to believe Ted or not. He never seems to lack any confidence himself, or for that matter have any problem dating very attractive women. But I know he has my best interests in mind since we’ve been kind of friends since childhood. There was even a time when I thought I might be interested in Ted. He is pretty cute and all, but now I just see him as the older brother I never had. So I listen to him.
“Yes really,” he continues. “I wouldn’t personally respond to your profile. I’d be scared.”
“Seriously? C’mon Ted, you’re fucking with me.”
“No, really, your profile description is intimidating.”
“Okay fine, I’ll change it.”
“Good idea.”
So I take a deep breath and try to be positive, for which I have no stomach for really. I spend all day, every day, being positive at work. I’m a teacher and it’s my job to try and boost my students’ self-esteem. “Oh Ben what a wonderful story that is. Kayla, you did such a great job on your math test. Molly, you are a talented artist. I love your new picture. And Colin, those are pretty cool shoes.” And on and on. I love teaching kids, but after giving them so much during the day, I’ve got no positive energy left to give when I get home.
But still, I try hard to be positive with my second profile attempt and I think I come up with something pretty good. At least it’s as good as it’s going to get.
My second profile:
Hi, I’m Rebecca. I’m new here so go easy on me.
I’m looking for an honest and kind guy, but still with a bit of an edge. I don’t mind a little bad boy as long as you’re a good guy. Does that make sense? If it does, we’re halfway there.
I play tennis and basketball. But I don’t necessarily need for a guy to be a jock. As long as you like to exercise and are into the outdoors I’m cool with that. Hiking, biking, and rollerblading are great too. I like to stay in shape and hope you care about that sort of thing too.
I’m an elementary school teacher, so I guess I like kids. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking for an insta-family. I’m looking for a guy who wants to have some fun but is still open to possibilities, if things progress. Also, I work hard to speak appropriately to my students, so when I’m able to let my hair down I actually have a bit of a potty mouth. Sorry.
You can see from my profile picture what I look like. But what you can’t see is that I have a lot of energy too, kind of like a bunny. No, that’s not an invitation.
If you think you fit what I’m looking for I’d be interested in learning more about you.
Rebecca
This second profile description gets the okay from Ted even though he doesn’t love the bunny comment. But hey, a girl’s gotta be who she’s gotta be. Apparently my profile also gets the okay from a lot of other guys too, because I receive about 50 responses on the first day and about 250 in the first week. What I learn later is that being positive AND being a newbie gives me a decided advantage. Apparently some guys scour these sites continuously and when they see fresh meat, they pounce. So most of the responses I get are from “lifers.” Guys who have profiles on about 20 online dating sites. Serial daters. Guys looking for nothing other than a good time. And this is a big waste of time for me. It takes me hours to sort through all the crap and get down to the few guys who are actually legit. Darryl is one of them.
Darryl’s note is sweet.
Hey Rebecca,
I’m glad to see your profile here. You’re a very attractive woman. And kind of funny too.
Anyway, I think I’m a good guy—at least that’s what I’ve been told— but I’ll let you be the judge. I never like to assume.
Would you like to get together for coffee? Or do you want to get crazy and go roller-blading or biking or something?
I hope to hear from you.
Yours,
Darryl
I like his note well enough so I check out his profile. And when I do, it’s a done deal. Darryl is gorgeous. His skin is the shade of newly lacquered maple floors. (Which immediately brings back memories of my father splitting logs in our backyard for some reason.) Darryl’s hair is curly and closely cropped, providing a dark and contrasting backdrop to a smile that’s as unassuming as it is sexy. But it’s his eyes that have me. They’re green I think. But they seem to change colors every time I view his profile. At first I think it’s my computer, but I soon realize it’s not. His eyes are coral green, the color of the ever-changing ocean floor viewed through a rippling, watery lens.
I write back:
Hi Darryl,
Thanks for getting in touch with me. I like your profile as well.
Coffee sounds good. What did you have in mind?
Rebecca
His response:
R,
How about Sunday at 10am.
Are you a DD fan or Starbucks? Or something else?
D
I think to myself, “We’re already doing initials? Hmmm……”
I write back:
Darryl,
How about Starbucks at 10am this Sunday?
Rebecca
His response:
Sure. See you then.
I think it’s a bit quick to go from full names to initials, and then to no names in a matter of an hour. Who does this guy think he is?
Now I’m nervous. What did I do? Do I really want to meet this guy? I’ve never done this before. This is going to be weird. I don’t do blind dates. Maybe I should forget the whole thing?
But my friend Julie talks me off the ledge.
“It’s going to be fine. It’s just coffee. And the guy is gorgeous.” (I share Darryl’s profile with all my friends.)
“I know, but what the hell am I going to say to him? What if it’s just too awkward?”
“Well it might be, but what have you got to lose really? An hour out of your week?”
“But I’ll probably ending up saying a bunch of stupid things and embarrass myself.”
“Oh stop Rebecca. You’ll be fine. You’re good at talking. And you’re good at listening. One of them will work.”
“Okay, I guess so.”
Ted is also giving me pep talks and I somehow make it through the week. Which makes me wonder why Sunday? Why did Darryl schedule it on Sunday instead of Saturday? Does he have some big plans with someone else from the site too? Maybe I’m his backup plan?
You see, this is me. I’m always second guessing myself, driving myself crazy, and all my friends too. In every relationship I’ve ever been in I constantly question what’s going on: Why did he say that? Is he trying to tell me something? What did he mean by that? Is there something about him I’m missing? Is he the right guy for me? Maybe he’s the one? I wonder what he thinks of me? Maybe I shouldn’t have told him how I felt? I wonder if he’s dating other girls? Is he cheating on me? Is he going to leave me? Damn, what’s my problem. On and on, my thoughts spin over and over. And even after my friends share their positive opinions with me, as soon as I’m alone again, my mind goes right back to its endless cycle of doubt and worry.
The good thing is that this kind of thinking tires me out. And so after my Saturday workout—nothing like the treadmill to provide a perfect tempo to obsess with—I sleep my way through the rest of Saturday.
And then Sunday finally rolls around. And I’m scared shitless.
Next up: Chapter One: Part 2 (The Date)
“Rebecca, a memoir” by Charlotte Pescale (Introduction)
© 2012 Charlotte Pescale “All Rights Reserved”
Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com
Introduction:
I’m Rebecca.
I’ve been around. Seen some things. Done more things. And spent most of my life in and out of relationships. The “in” part of relationships is great, but the “out” part, not so much. But with each failed relationship I’ve learned just a little bit more about men. How they think. What drives them. What they want. So much so that these days I feel myself experiencing a transformation of sorts, as if I’m a woman’s body trapped inside a guy’s mind.
Before you get the wrong idea let me clarify. This is not some pronouncement of my future plans for a transgenderism, if that’s the correct terminology. No, I have no plans to change my body to fit my newfound knowledge of men. I’m actually very happy with, and in, my body. In fact I love my body. Everything about it. And why not? Why wouldn’t I? I’ve got what every woman wants, and every guy craves: balanced proportions.
No, I’m nothing special. I’m not overly busty, I don’t have curves that cause traffic accidents, and there are no plans for me to be on the cover of any magazine, but since, like I mentioned before, I’ve learned a few things along the way, I know I have the goods. My body works, it fits together, so I’ve been told many times over.
You see, guys don’t have a particular type. They’re not necessarily searching for a blonde bombshell, a leggy brunette, a country barn redhead, or some sort of Asian faire, they all just want things to kind of add up, make sense, fit together. It’s difficult for me to tell you what that exactly looks like because every guy is different. I just know I’ve got it. And believe it or not, most women do. The problem is that balanced proportions are only great for a time. Because sooner or later guys start craving some other set of proportions, one that you will never possess, and that’s when things can sour quickly.
Men are hardwired that way—at least that’s what all those fancy books say. Okay fine. Maybe men do desire diversity and are hardwired to spread their genetic makeup as far and wide as their possibilities let them. But honestly, I say, maybe a lot of these guys are just assholes, and they use all the research, and data, and the books, as an easy excuse to cheat. (Much more on that later.)
Yes I’ve learned a few things along the way. Many of which I will share in the upcoming chapters. But the most important thing I’ve learned, even with all my failed attempts at intimacy, is something I need to share with all of you now. Even if you don’t read more than this introduction, at least you’ll leave with some kernel of insight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, lean in a little closer. And if you do, you can nod your head in agreement. Here it is: If a guy is horny he’ll say anything, do anything, act nicer, be more compassionate, reach out to your friends, compliment your mother, and even suck up to your father to get what he wants. If he thinks there’s even a remote chance he might “get lucky,” he’ll be the perfect man. And it gets worse. This next comment is especially directed toward the young ladies out there who might be new to the dating world. If the only time your guy says “I love you” is during his heightened state of being when he’s just about to explode and scream out your name—unless of course he forgets where he is and screams out someone else’s name—then you’ve got yourself a serious problem. If that’s the case, it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge.
So you’d think by now that all this intimate knowledge would have put me on the path to finding true love—and a good man—but it hasn’t. The problem is, although my brain may be tapped into the male network, my heart is still all woman, which pretty much cancels out all the male insights I’ve picked up along the way. Sure, I might know more than some women do when it comes to men, but somehow I still act like I’m this helpless and desperate being when I fall in love. I’m disgusted by it really, because I’m actually a very confident and smart woman. Sure, some of this helplessness is an act. (Men like for you to tell them how incredible they are, so I play along. Yeah, what a fucking joke that is.) But a lot of it isn’t. It’s just me being pitiful.
I guess my real problem is that I like men a little bit too much. I can’t get enough of them. And we all know this kind of all consuming need is a problem. It’s never good to like or need something too much. Just think about all the things that fall into this category and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Here’s what falls into that category for me: Pizza, ice cream, shoes, texting, coloring my hair, handbags, pedicures, and cold beer. The problem for me is that all of those things lead to expansion. A tummy that no longer fits in those new designer jeans. A larger credit card bill. And an endless collection of footwear that clutters up my closet. It just means more and more and more. But liking a guy has the opposite effect for me. It often leads to less. Less confidence. Less respect for myself. And usually one less guy, once he sniffs my thoughts of commitment in the air.
Because guys are wimps. They can’t handle shit. Once they see the first sign that they’re actually going to have to work a little at maintaining a relationship—a relationship that they themselves started—they’ve already got one foot out the door. And that’s when those lame words come out of their mouth like, “Why does this have to be serious?” “Can’t we just have some fun?” “I need my guy time too.” “Why do we have to talk about everything all of the time?” And finally. “It’s your problem not mine.” It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.
Now that I understand men better I get where all these inane statements are coming from. Sure, it’s a lot more pleasant to just roll through life enjoying the good times. And sometimes there really is no need to talk about every piece of minutia ad nauseum. But I also know as women that we’re not actually asking men to talk. We’re just asking them to LISTEN! And maybe with that, nod their head every once in a while and pretend they’re interested. How fucking hard is that? I mean c’mon. Is that really that difficult? I don’t think so.
But I keep coming back for more because I like men a lot. They’re playful. They’re rugged. They’re handsome. They’re quirky. They’re scary. They’re exciting. And the best part, they’re different from me. Ladies, don’t get me wrong. I love my girlfriends and all the good times we have together, but I’m not looking to expand my horizons, and pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m into men exclusively. Because to me, you either are into men or you’re not into men.
Sure, I appreciate beauty in whatever form it presents itself. And women are certainly beautiful creatures; but when I get that tingle, and want something hard between my legs I’m not looking for some rubber rabbit, or some pulsing piece of plastic. Shit I can do that stuff on my own. (Which I do plenty.) No, I’m looking for the real thing. And only men can supply that kind of heavenly hardware.
But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier, being with a woman. I mean I get women. They get me. I understand where they’re coming from. I get what makes them happy. I get what frustrates them. I know where those special spots are, and I know what to do with them. Jeez, it would be so much easier just to punt—there’s my guy brain talking again—and join the women’s club. It’s pretty much a sure thing. Good conversation. Good sex. Good times.
But when I really think about it, that sounds so boring. Because where’s the mystery? Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I like that uneasy feeling of uncertainty. I like wondering: What’s he thinking? Where’s this going? Does he like me? Does he possibly love me? What does he mean when he says that? Does he mean what he says? Is he the one?
For me the mystery is the allure. Because a sure thing is all just fantasy. There are no guarantees in life. So why not go with the biggest mystery of all, a guy? And if it takes a lifetime to solve him who cares? At least it will be a life filled with intrigue and excitement. And great sex.
But I understand not everyone is like me. Some people aren’t that comfortable with a life of uncertainty. And so for those of you who want to know the “ins and outs” of relationships ahead of time, I figured I’d share my stories with you. That way maybe you can save yourself a few years and actually be able to have kids—if that’s what you want—before you have no choice but to use your ovaries to make wrinkled Christmas ornaments that you hang every year to remind yourself of all your regrets. Ouch.
So ladies—and men–these are my stories. My trials. My disappointments. My victories. My insights. My journey. And maybe, just maybe, some of my foibles might help you figure out what’s going on with your relationship. Maybe as you read about my troubles you’ll recognize something familiar in them. And with that, you’ll gain some new understanding. That’s my hope at least.
So here we go. Try not to laugh too much. Because we’ve all made mistakes haven’t we? Okay, maybe I’m the person who skews the average a bit, but hey, I’m a slow learner. And cut me some slack. It’s taken a long time to start thinking like a guy, especially when my heart flutters like a butterfly every time I smell the possibility of new love in the air.
Coming next week: Chapter 1
From THE GUYS: Please leave Charlotte a comment. And let your friends know about her. And us. Thanks!
Women and Sex
“Women and Sex” by Isabel Kane
Women want sex as much or more than men do. Yes, I know I am spitting in the face of common wisdom but I know this to be true and here’s why. 1. I am a woman who has experienced this over and over and over… and 2. My female friends report the same phenomena.
I first noticed this in my own relationships, but just assumed it was me. Then the subject started to creep in when my female friends and I would talk about men and relationships. The majority of them had the same feelings; women want more sex, and their men were being coy. Curious now, I started to pose the question to both men and women. “Do you think women want sex as much or more than men?” Men; “No.” “That hasn’t been my experience.” Women; “Of course.” “Yup.”
The men were reticent, no elaboration was forthcoming, but the women! “He tells me he’s tired.” “He doesn’t like it when I make the first move.” “He gets mad if I try to seduce him too often.” “He asked me why I like sex so much.” “Why do you think I have two men in my life?”(Seriously, the last two statements are actually true).
So what exactly is happening here? Is the stereotype wrong? Are sexual relationships between women and men changing? Is there something in the water? Now, to be fair, this doesn’t apply to all women and all men; I am (unscientifically) tracking an apparently growing phenomenon here, stay with me.
I started to look for commonalities in the women who were telling me this. Most were comfortable with their sexuality, confident, and had a certain, ahem, level of experience sexually. And all were in committed, loving relationships (even if there are two men). Women want sex, but still need the emotional connection; we are still women, after all, that hasn’t changed.
But could it be that in reality men are threatened by a woman who knows what she wants in bed, isn’t afraid to ask for it from the man she loves, and wants lots of it? Is it a control issue? A fear of poor performance? Perhaps the belief that men want more sex than women was born in the same place as the myth of prince charming, soul mates, and “you complete me” doody. And we all know how dangerous those particular illusions can be in a relationship.
Maybe the stereotypes are wrong, maybe men want the right to tell their woman they are tired or just not in the mood sometimes without being thought of as “unmanly.” Maybe women do want sex as much or more than men but don’t want to be rejected by the men they love. I really don’t know, but the women of the world are looking for real answers here. So come on, men, help us out, go beyond the stereotype and tell us what’s happening here. Because the truth is, we LOVE our men, we LOVE having sex with our men. And we want more.
Isabel Kane is a freelance writer.
Please leave a comment and join the conversation. What’s your opinion? Tell us about your experience with this subject.
Booting up for the New Year
Article originally appeared in the Gatehouse family of newspapers.
“Booting up for the New Year” by Saelen Ghose
After a long, restful vacation I feel like one of those old internet providers—the kind you’d dial-in, then go make tea and read the paper, before it finally connected. It always takes a while for me to “boot up” for the New Year. But my kids, even longer.
I’ve been hearing cries of rebellion for the last few weeks as school and extra-curricular activities have resumed again, squeezing hours out of the day, that for a while were filled with just sitting around being bored. I no longer hear, “Dad, I am bored.” It’s more like, “Dad, I wish I were bored.” To which I respond, “Me too.”
Boy do I wish I were bored. Or rather, had time in my day where I could choose to be bored if I wanted to. But instead I find myself right back in full swing, making lunches, signing permission slips, working, chauffering to practices, making dinners, cleaning up dinners, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed, and working more. And of course there’s the ever-present dog to take care of.
So I’m wondering how to stop from falling into familiar patterns? Is it possible to ignore what everyone else is doing, and make decisions that work specifically for my family? Is there a way to make life flow in a more congruous way, rather than being so fragmented? Can I find balance?
I think a good start would be to impose a simple family rule: my wife and I make the decisions for the family. I do believe it’s important to empower kids to think for themselves and also important to encourage them to make their own decisions. But while those are important qualities to impart, sometimes those teachings can backfire, especially when the kids think they’re running the show.
Just the other day, my wife and I wanted to take a family hike in the woods. Instead of cheers from the gallery we heard moans and groans as if we told the kids it was time to go get their flu shots. We ignored their cries and went ahead with our plans. We knew that once we were surrounded by the clean, wooded air, everyone would have a great time. And we were right. The dog playfully roamed free for once, the kids explored streams and rotted tree trunks, and my wife and I took it all in and relaxed. We were all able to decompress and dial out for a moment, which needs to happen more often. But for me, the best part was that we were all together.
Too much of our family time is spent dividing and conquering. We have to because our schedule is insane, like most modern families. Weekends sound like this. “I’ll drive to soccer, then pick up the presents for the party.” “Sounds good. It’s my turn to carpool to basketball. Then I’ll pick up the boys from the party later.” “Great. I’m helping sell Girl Scout cookies this afternoon, so we’ll rendezvous at the pizza joint some time this evening.” “Perfect.” And by the time the day is done, the kids are fried, and my wife and I barely have enough energy to get up off the couch and go to bed.
Believe me, a part of that schedule I love. My favorite activity is watching my kids participate in the activities they love. But these types of weekends often revolve around individuals in our family, rather than our family as a whole.
I’d like to change that this new year. When we asked the kids what their highlights were for 2011, most of their responses involved some sort of family outing or vacation. And seeing that those particular activities took up a very small percentage of the year, that was quite telling. Sure, it’s difficult to get five people on the same page at any given time, but bringing the family together as a unit is vital for our collective well-being. We are a team, and the best way to gel like a team is to play together often.
So here’s to 2012. Same people, but hoping for some new habits. More time together, arguing over which station to listen to, who leads the hike, and what restaurant we’ll go to. But somehow I know all those arguments will be forgotten as memories form, prioritizing the good times. My guess is, we’ll all only remember what mattered most: time spent together as one.
Happy Holidays: Some fun reading and videos
We hope everyone is enjoying themselves this holiday season. We certainly are. If you’re looking for a short break from the festivities and need some quiet time, take in a few of these holiday pieces.
If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.
Until then, enjoy!
THE GUYS
1. Holiday Expectations: The goal of perfection (From our very own “One of the Guys”)
2. Where did all the mistletoe go?
3. Unconventional Holiday Movies
4. Where to take your holiday hookups
5. Holiday dating Dos and Don’ts
6. How to survive holiday dating
7. Healthy relationships during the holidays: Dr. Logan Levkoff-sexologist
8. The four Christmas articles you’ll see on the internet
9. Magic of the holidays (Another article from “One of the Guys”)
10. College Humor Holiday Video
Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. Take a look and see what the topic is for February and March. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. We look forward to reading your submissions. Thanks.
My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids
A note to readers:
This post will appear on both the “Ask the Guys” page and the “Fatherhood/Parenting” page. It seems appropriate for both.
And now, in addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.
So ask away. Don’t be shy.
Dear Guys,
My son is 26 and has been dating a woman who is 33 for the last 7 months. She has three kids of her own.
I dont understand how he can throw his life away? He will never have children with her because she already has three. But he says he loves her.
Any advice?
Upset Mom
Dear Upset Mom,
Thanks for your question. We can certainly speak to this topic from both sides. (Some of us have chosen your son’s path and some of us are parents.)
As parents we want our kids to have a great life. We want them to get an education, land a great job, find a loving partner, have their own kids, and grow old—surrounded by a support system of wonderful people including their kids. In essence we want them to live the lives we’ve lived—or are living—but only better. And this is completely natural and understandable. We’re right there with you.
However, you know as well as we do, that this isn’t how it works. Think about your own choices and how they may have clashed with your own parents’ hopes and dreams for you? At least on our end there has always been, and still is, a healthy dose of conflict with our parents, as we fumble and claw our way through this life. Not to get all existential on you, but isn’t that what the human existence is all about? It’s a continuum. We try our best, make mistakes, grow wiser—hopefully—and just as we think, maybe just maybe, we’ve figured out a little something, it’s time for us to leave this earth.
Your son is doing exactly that. He’s making the best choices he can make for where he’s at on the continuum of learning. Sure it’s easy for us to offer this viewpoint sitting here on the sidelines, but actually we do know EXACTLY how you are feeling.
So what are you saying to your son? Are you giving him a hard time about this? Because if you are, you’re putting your relationship with him at risk. And for what? No matter what you say he’s going to do what he thinks is right for him. This is not a guy thing. This is a human thing. He has accrued a certain amount of information in his life that he carries around in a metaphorical bag. This bag of experiences informs him every day. And so he can only make decisions based on the experiences he has already. Maybe in five years, ten years he’ll look back and wonder what the heck he was thinking. But right now, he can only make decisions based on his previous experiences. And for him a relationship with this woman seems like a good thing right now.
So you have two choices.
1. Try to accept this as best you can and support him. If he ultimately chooses this path then at least you’ll be with him as he moves forward with his life. And if he does break it off with her, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet, with your relationship still intact.
2. You can continue to be against this choice and draw a line in the sand by letting him know he’s making a mistake. But then you’ll miss out on being part of his life because he’ll shut you out. Sure, if you must tell him how you feel, say it once, and once only. But after that one time, if you continue, he’s going to push you out of his life. And if he does break up with her, he’s going to remember how you treated him—mainly that you didn’t trust him to make his own decisions—and hold that against you. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy, and will likely be forever altered. And we honestly don’t think you want that, do you?
Guys especially need a purpose in life. For some it’s a great career. For others it’s a family to take care of. And for some, it’s bedding as many women as they can. And guys struggle with this. Some choose one purpose only to realize it’s not what ultimately makes them happy, and then they do a complete 180.
It’s very possible this is not your son’s “final stop” on the continuum. As we said before we’ve been on both sides of this. And we’ve seen it work out to varying degrees. A dear friend of ours married a woman with three kids and couldn’t be happier—much happier than many who have chosen the conventional life. Others have dated women with kids only to break up after a time.
So please think long and hard about how you want to proceed from here on out. We understand you’re sad, frustrated, and probably a bit angry. All the time and energy you spent raising your son, only for him to choose this path?! We don’t think there’s a parent on this earth that would choose this particular path for their child. But all parents would choose happiness for their kids.
Remember, the relationship you’ve built with your son is everything. Don’t throw it away over this. He needs you now as much as he’s always needed you. And that will never change, unless you create a situation where he doesn’t trust you anymore.
So hang in there. You might be surprised at what happens. Most relationships don’t last, especially when complicated by more than two people. But when they do, they were meant to.
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. (If they have any relationship or parenting questions.) And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right of each page.) It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!
Readers: Please share your opinions. Or experiences.
Pride in the Uniform
Read article in: The Cleveland Plain Dealer or The MetroWest Daily
Pride in the uniform
By Saelen Ghose
In first grade I knew I was going to be a baseball player. I knew it in my bones and I knew it in my mind. And if you stood close enough to me, you could smell the scent of leather, dirt, and grass oozing from my pores.
The only conclusion I can come to as to why I believed I was headed for the “bigs” was the uniform. Something about that special outfit made me think I actually belonged in baseball’s elite fraternity. I can certainly see it in my own children as the don their uniforms with such pride it makes me smile inwardly. It transforms them and makes them feel special.
Spring is upon us, and baseball and other sports activities have started for many of our kids. And in some circles, youth sports get a bad rap. It is true that sometimes the balance between just being a kid, and becoming the next professional athlete, can get thrown out of whack. But playing sports can also teach important life lessons, and contribute to physical well-being.
As part of a team our kids learn how to contribute AND be accountable. They learn how to lose gracefully and win even more gracefully. They learn actual athletic skills. They get exercise. They deal with the gamut of emotions that sports bring. And they hopefully have fun.
As a kid I didn’t want to limit these feelings to just the ball field, so when my parents gave me my very own uniform, the summer before first grade, I decided come fall, I was going to wear that uniform every single day to school.
In fact, and this is the complete truth, I did wear that baseball uniform to school every day! I mean, every single day!! On Fridays I would hide the uniform in my bottom drawer of my dresser for fear that if I put it in the dirty clothes bin, it would not be washed and ready for school on Monday.
For some reason I never noticed that all the grass and dirt stains were gone every Monday. My mom later told me that she used to sneak in and grab the uniform and wash it every weekend, and then carefully put it back right where I had hidden it. That’s very funny to think about now.
But what’s really amazing is that my parents actually let me wear that uniform every day. I mean, what did the other parents think?! Did my folks have to endure the stares and recriminations of other parents at the school? Or maybe they just didn’t give a hoot. Good for them I say if that’s the case.
What I take from my parent’s example is, let kids be kids. As a parent I need to learn how to separate from them. I need to be able to just sit back and soak them in. I need to understand that they are going to make mistakes and that’s part of how they learn. And I need to be involved, even if it’s just by observing, because the days may go very slowly, but the years pass ever so quickly.
So let’s enjoy our kids this spring. Let’s enjoy them as they laugh with pure joy at reaching first base, even though they got there by a “Base on Balls.” And let’s enjoy them as they score a goal, even though they play in a league with no goalies. Or let’s just enjoy the fact that they’re happy and enjoying the moment, and not worry whether they’re properly preparing to get a Division 1 scholarship. And finally let’s enjoy them as they wear their uniforms with pride, understanding they are a part of a team; something bigger than themselves.
But as I watch my kids, I’ll also be thinking about my uniform. It represented unbridled love, passion, and all the possibilities life had in store for me. I can still to this day, feel every fiber of that uniform. And as I close my eyes, smiling and remembering, a few layers of stress fall away, still smelling like leather, grass, and hope.
_____________________________
What is your opinion on youth sports?
Do you have a special childhood memory that you’re reminded of when your kids play sports?
Trust in the modern world
Trust in the Modern World by Saelen Ghose
In a world where we are all connected by the touch of a button or the click of a mouse, trust is declining faster than the oil spilling out beneath the ocean floor. It seems counterintuitive to think that as the world becomes smaller, we trust our fellow humans less, but it’s happening before our very eyes. It’s possible we just don’t like what we see.
Information isn’t dispersed anymore, it’s shot out through one of those T-shirt launchers on the “juice.” A kid can’t forget his lunch box at school without it being on the news. And the news is no longer just newspapers, magazines, television and radio. It’s also blogs, forums and every social networking site on the web. We are inundated with information, and this plethora of news, accurate or not, is causing us to live inside little bubbles, creating even more divisions within a country already divided by politics, faith and ethnicity.
I’m not saying ignorance is bliss. It’s not. I’m also not saying we should return to the days where information was disseminated by horseback, or by young boys yelling the headlines in crowded city streets. However, too much information has a paralyzing effect on us and causes us to question everything and everyone. And overanalyzing sure takes the fun out of life’s adventures.
Let’s examine the sports world for a second. I don’t trust anything I see anymore because every time there’s a feel good story, there’s another not-so-feel-good story behind it. Take the summer of 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa battled for the most storied record, possibly in sports history. What a magical summer that was!! That is, until it was tainted by admission of steroid use. In fact, now I question every one of the great sports stories in the last ten years because I just don’t trust what I see anymore.
It only begins with sports, but it’s part of every facet of our lives. The news tells us of predators lurking at every corner, and politicians having affairs, and corporations lying to the world. And we don’t receive just the basic facts about these events, but all the lurid details behind the facts, reported over and over and over. We never have to worry about missing something either. If we miss it the night it happens, we surely won’t miss it the next day, or the next week. It’s news to match the fast pace of our lives, but it’s overkill.
Now don’t call me a hypocrite please. I realize you’re reading this in the newspaper and that’s a good thing. I’m not complaining about news sources, but more how we process the news and what we do with the information. It’s important for us to be informed and up to date with what’s happening in the world. But let’s start thinking for ourselves again shall we? Isn’t that what we try to teach our kids; not to let peer pressure guide them? Haven’t we all said, “Would you jump off that bridge if Johnny or Sue told you to?”
But here we are ignoring our own advice and letting everyone tell us how to think. And what’s the common theme in this message? Don’t trust anyone. Those OTHER people are bad. They don’t look like you, they don’t think like you, they don’t pray like you, so they must be bad people. Stay away from them and keep to yourself. And we are all guilty of this paranoia. Sure it’s normal to gravitate toward people that are similar to us, but how do we know how similar or different they are without actually having a conversation?
Technology has provided us the power to reach anyone on this planet in a matter of seconds. But this technology can only introduce us to the world. We actually have to leave our houses and explore for ourselves in order to take advantage of that introduction. And surely that’s a lot more interesting than sitting behind our desks.
So if you see me out and about in the world, stop and say hello. I won’t bite. Trust me.
Is more better?
Read in the Newspaper: MetroWest Daily
Is more better? by Saelen Ghose
The phrase 110% has become a staple in our culture. I’m not sure who coined that phrase and why they felt it necessary to add an extra 10% to an already conclusive number, but this sentiment of “more is better” has become all pervasive in our culture, and is wreaking havoc on all of us.
I always thought 100% was enough? Doesn’t it connote entire, total, maximum, whole, all in, and complete? But now for some reason, it just doesn’t cut it.
Sure, I get it. People use numbers as a way to emphasize how committed they are to something, whether it’s a project at school, an upcoming game, or even a relationship. It’s about conveying effort and interest, and showing they’re invested and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. That’s all fine and dandy, but truly 100% would do it.
Exaggeration has always been part of our culture. Storytelling is an art form introduced on playgrounds across the country, nurtured at home, and consummated at all social and work gatherings throughout adult life. Storytelling allows news and words to become malleable, and gives people flexibility to include their own perspective in the retelling.
However, is more really better? Consider the documentary “Super Size Me,” where Morgan Spurlock, an independent film director, eats only fast food for three months. What happens to him? He gains 24 pounds, his cholesterol explodes, and he suffers from liver dysfunction and depression. It takes him fourteen months to lose the weight from his experiment, and even longer to recapture his pre-filming health. This is just one example of how more is actually not better.
Kids also have to deal with this issue. They are exhausted and overwhelmed trying to keep up with the frantic pace of school and activities. And the pressure to excel is great. It’s not enough to get 100% on a test, but what about the extra credit? It’s not enough to play on one soccer team, but now they have to play in the town league, the travel league and on a club team. The examples are endless and this trend is a recipe for complete burnout.
Let’s think about 110% for a minute. Is it really better than 100%? I would argue no. What if your cup is 110% full? Wouldn’t that mean it’s spilling all over you, or on the floor? And if this were the case, you would have a big mess to clean up, which in fact might diminish the percentage of your enjoyment down to about 50%. All of a sudden 110% doesn’t seem so attractive.
We need to rethink how we define what’s good and move beyond assigning a number to it. Being good is more qualitative than quantitative. It’s about being kind, considerate, thoughtful, compassionate and altruistic. It’s about trying hard, but understanding that maximum effort doesn’t always lead to successful outcomes. As the Rolling Stones say, “You can’t always get what you want.” And that’s a lesson worth teaching, but one that gets missed a lot in our entitled culture.
Sure, more IS sometimes better, but it shouldn’t be the way we run our lives. So let’s start by putting an end to this 110%! I’m no genius, but I know when my cup is full and when it runneth over.
The second time around
Please leave a comment and share your experiences.
“The second time around” by Saelen Ghose
I missed the world the first time around. I was too busy trying to unearth myself from the grips of fear, insecurity and doubt. That excavation has taken forty years and then some, and I’m still brushing off the dust, finding new nooks and crannies in my forever evolving self. And honestly, I never even realized I missed it until I had kids. They’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world.
Why else would you have kids? They’re loud, they’re smelly, they break things, they don’t listen, they run when you want them to walk, and they walk VERY slowly when you need them to hurry. All in all, kids are kind of difficult to have around.
But seeing the world through their eyes is a blessing for me, or for any person brave enough to take the leap into parenthood. Kids marvel at the smallest of things; a dragonfly resting on a cucumber vine, a frozen crystallized ornament adorning the kitchen window after a cold snowy night, a huge splash from a funny belly flop, a first lick of ice cream, or simply a person with an interesting face who looks different from them. All of these things kids enjoy simply because they are things to be enjoyed. Kids don’t have an agenda or a bag of learned tendencies, they see the world for what it is, and that’s something all parents get to learn the second time around.
I have no memory of any of these simple experiences from my childhood. I remember lots of stuff, some good, and some not so good. I remember the bully at school taking my favorite baseball hat and tossing it in the air, only to have it land in a car that just happened to be driving by. I also remember the look on the bully’s face when he saw the look on my face, both of us realizing that my hat was gone forever. He was as mortified as I was sad. I remember my first crush that wasn’t reciprocated. And I remember my second one that was. I remember getting picked first in kickball games during elementary school, and making the baseball team in high school. I even remember losing an arm wrestling match to the girl who lived two houses down from me, and then spending the rest of the day crying under my desk in my bedroom. I also remember getting a rematch and beating her two years later. All of these memories, plus many more, were vital in shaping the person I am today, but they aren’t the little things that my parents probably remember.
My kids are young, but I know they will have their own set of experiences that will forge their personalities and lead them on their own path to self-discovery. They already are, and those experiences are just part of the larger human experience. But while they’re focusing on the big picture, I’ll be picking out the little things and making mental notes. Or when my brain isn’t able to remember everything, I’ll jot them down in a journal, or take a picture, or capture them on video. All of these moments will help remind me that every moment I have on this planet is precious. And I’ll thank my kids for teaching me that, something I should have learned the first time around.
I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of me when I jest about kids. I love mine unconditionally, no matter how many gray hairs have grown on my head because of them. Sure they are a handful, but they are a lot of fun, and certainly my life’s biggest blessing. But getting to see the world simply for the wonder of it all, may be the best gift they’ve given me.
Now I’m wondering what it might be like the third time around. It’s an intriguing thought. Grandparents often say they have it the best. They can enjoy the little ones for a time, and then hand them back to their parents as they go on their merry way to whatever golf outing, town meeting or bus cruise they’ve got planned. What a concept that is, and I think it’s probably true. Every round of life we experience, we’re better able to sift away the less important aspects and focus on the nuggets of gold and other precious moments that we didn’t, or couldn’t see before. Wow, it makes me all giddy just thinking about that next round.
Nah…..forget that. What’s the point in fast-forwarding life? I’m having too much fun right this very moment.
_____________________
What are you learning the second time around?
What did you miss the first time around?
Boredom’s Gift
“Boredom’s gift” by Saelen Ghose
Two Bored Boys
Boredom used to be a portal to creativity, a springboard of sorts, carving out space in the mind for ideas to enter. But the good old days of boredom are long gone, joining the Dodo Bird, Pet Rocks, and The Three Stooges on the path to extinction. Instead we’ve replaced them with gizmos, toys, and gadgets that keep our kids, and us, entertained and distracted. Why would we do that?
We’re afraid of boredom. It connotes laziness. It signifies either a lack of progress, or even worse, an unwillingness to progress. It’s also a state of mind that is unsettling at its core, because it forces us to sit and listen to ourselves think. And being reflective is not something that comes very naturally to us, mainly because we’re out of practice.
We’ve done our best to pummel boredom into extinction. We certainly don’t want our kids being idle. First we came up with TV, a mostly harmless device, delivering some entertaining shows and the nightly news. In fact the first televisions doubled as exercise equipment because viewers had to actually get up off the couch to change the channel. The remote soon took care of any cardio benefits, and cable expanded our choices of stations, keeping us tuned, but not very toned.
Then video games joined the fray, beginning with Pong, the ever so simple game we used to think was the coolest thing besides free toys in cereal boxes. Currently the video game industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the world, spewing out countless new titles every year, helping us keep boredom at bay.
Now we have ipods, smart phones, electronic readers, and a host of other devices that distract us from ourselves. Their universal ringtone is, “Thou shall not be bored.” And that’s a call that we can’t help but answer. However it’s boredom that leads to innovation. It’s boredom that forces us to dig deep to discover new twists and turns on existing ideas, and then help us figure out new ideas to replace them with. If we continue to shut off each faucet, soon all our faucets will run dry, and we’ll have no way of reaching our inner core. And that not only impacts us as individuals, it narrows the potential field of innovators, and limits us as a society.
I might be a parent, but I’m no dinosaur. I’m amazed at the technology of today. It’s a lot of fun to be able to send texts to friends, or look something up on the internet, or dial up a tune on an ipod. But those devices have made boredom obsolete. And I worry how that’s impacting the creativity of our future scientists, artists, doctors, and entrepreneurs.
Kids towed the “I’m bored” party line back when I was growing up. But back then parents would say, “Figure something out.” And we did. We’d leave for the day, and somehow come up with all sorts of things to keep ourselves entertained. Some of these things I shall not repeat for fear of incriminating myself. And some of the things we did-like careening off a 10 foot jump on our banana seat bikes with no helmets and not much space for a landing-make me wonder how I was able to even have kids. But our boredom caused us to reflect, take in our surroundings, and devise some plan. It was creativity at work, something that is sorely missing today.
I realize it’s a different time with different rules. I don’t let my kids roam around the neighborhood doing whatever they want. And I certainly have a better sense of what they’re up to-at least that’s the party line I tell myself. But there is something to be said for allowing kids to figure it out for themselves. There is something to be said, for giving ourselves some space to wonder. We don’t need to fill up every moment with “noise” because those quiet moments of reflection help us find ourselves. And that’s when creativity can germinate, and grow.
Do you think boredom and creativity are linked?
What do you do when your kids say they’re bored?
Copyright 2010
Read in The MetroWest Daily newspaper.
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed by Saelen Ghose
Lately I’ve been having this strange sensation. After leaving the house and arriving at my destination, I say to myself, “Did I remember to wear pants?”
Seriously! I actually check myself to see, bracing for the screams that will most surely commence from shocked onlookers. After a tense moment of anticipation with no screams, I realize that once again, all is under control, and I do in fact have pants on.
I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s somewhat alarming. And it seems to be part of a trend, rather than an isolated incident. It’s probably due to the fact that my head is so overwhelmed with life I can barely remember getting out of bed, let alone putting on pants. Like all of you, I’m trying to juggle a family, a job and my own personal journey, with not enough time in each day. This is tough to do, very tough.
So many sweet moments come and go every day and I’m panicked that I’m missing them, as if I’m driving down a highway lost in thought, unaware of the mile markers whizzing by me. To me, that is a TERROR far scarier than walking around without pants. Because memories are what make the moments last forever, giving us an endless replay of all of our experiences. And what else will I have to do when my eyes are so shot I can’t even check to SEE about my pants? At least I’ll be able to close my eyes and remember.
So it’s time to “restart” my brain and remove the clutter. But that’s harder said than done. See, I have this never ending TO DO LIST that grows with each day and occupies such a huge space in my cranial cavity. But what if I just chucked the actual list? That’s right, you GASP! But why not? I’ll just chuck it and let things resolve themselves organically. I mean do I really need to write down, “Buy Bread?” And I bet after it’s gone, the ghostly shell that I’ve become will fade, and my former attentive self will join the rest of the Homo Sapiens on the planet.
And if that doesn’t work and some sort of sacrifice is required, I’ll gladly hand over my pants. It seems like a small price to pay to enjoy a few new memories. And why not BE PRESENT in a life chocked full of precious moments to savor.
“Mommy why isn’t that man wearing pants?” Cut to SCREAMS!!
What would you be happy to sacrifice in order to be more present in your life?
Read article in newspaper:
Books for the Guy, or Guys in your life
“Freedom” by Jonathan Franzen – It’s as if the author was secretly dipping into the collective guy consciousness and then expressing it much more clearly than we ever could. Brilliant but annoying. The book has it all: good looks, and the brains to back it up. This is a must read for your man-he’ll learn more about relationships in this one experience than he ever did from his mom-but only if you can get him to commit to the 562 pages, something he can’t experience in the bathroom.
“The Book of Bad” by Christopher Lee Barish – If your guy likes Maxim magazine he’ll love this book. It’s funny, and surprisingly insightful. Although we don’t condone all the topics-chapters on cheating and affairs-some of the introductory paragraphs are laugh out loud funny. And where else can he learn how to create an alias, evade surveillance, or pass a polygraph test?
“The Shadow of the Wind” by Carlos Ruiz Zafon – This book was published in 2001, but if you’re looking for a good mystery-that isn’t your man’s wardrobe, or anything else related to him-this is the book for him. It might also teach him a touch of chivalry, which could go a long way for your relationship.
“Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief” by Rick Riordan – We know it’s a book for kids. Well so what? Your guy will love it for obvious reasons. It’s easy. It’s fast. It’s action packed. It’s already been made into a movie. And if he likes it, there’s a whole series to choose from. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
“The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White – If you’re sick of your guy using “like” every other word, this is the book for him. He’ll learn the basics of writing-not that he’ll care-but it’s short enough where he can consider it bathroom reading. Isn’t that where he absorbs most of life’s lessons? Like seriously.
The E-reader: If you want to take this to the next level, give your guy one of the many choices of e-readers and load them up with all the books listed above. He’ll be psyched. Kindle. The Nook. Sony Reader
And of course there’s always the ipad.
Feel free to ask us about any other title you’re considering. We’ve read all the classics too.
We’ll be adding to this list from time to time.
Rugged Stereotype
Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”
Mr. Joe Fireman. Mr. John Handyman. Mr. Paul Plumber.
These names conjure up images of strong, and ruggedly handsome guys, working in cargo pants and a tight tees, while tearing off shingles, fixing pipes, or climbing tall ladders. These guys are comfortable in their own skin, and confident in their abilities. And they put the people around them at ease, with their inner strength, and charm.
You would think guys like these would be comfortable discussing any topic from the latest electronic gadget to the hottest new Hollywood starlet; and of course everything in between. But in fact, this might not be so.
Take a glimpse into a recent conversation I had with one of these strapping young men.
A guy comes over to fix something at my house. I also know him outside of his work.
Me: Thanks for coming over.
Guy: My pleasure. Now what seems to be the problem.
Me: I’m having an issue in the basement.
Guy: Let me check it out.
After a while, the problem gets fixed and we’re chatting.
Me: So how’s your back been. (He’s had back problems.)
Guy: Feeling better.
Me: That’s cool. Yeah, I’ve been having shoulder issues. Been in PT.
Guy: Me too. I’ve been having forearm, and elbow issues.
Me: Oh really. You’d better stop….you know……(I make a motion with my hand that I think is obvious. Hint: Guys pretend they don’t do this “thing” when their girlfriend asks them.)
Guy: (Looks confused) What do you mean?
Me: You know. (I make motion again.)
Of course I’m really just kidding around. But here’s what happens.
The Guy realizes what I’m referring to finally. Turns beat red. Then turns redder. Starts to stutter. Tries to recover. Tries to say something. Can’t. I smile and say I was just joking around. Uncomfortable silence.
Me: Okay. So. Um. Well then, thanks for coming over.
He leaves and then I realize something.
You can’t judge a guy by the length of his ladder.
The bell from hell
Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”
When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.
My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.
But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.
It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.
“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)
“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)
“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)
“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”
“Mommy, I want a dog.”
And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.
“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.
“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”
__________________
“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.
“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.
___________________
And so it went.
And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.
But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .
So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.
Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?
Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?
My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.
Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.
Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”
What do you think?
The social networking trap
Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”
I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.
I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like having the work done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.
THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.
Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!
But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.
And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.
I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”
Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.
Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.
Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!
It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.
Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.
One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.
And that’s the beauty of technology.
What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?
Check out podcast #8! On this site, and on itunes. Subscribe!
Vacation and Lebron
Written by: “One of the Guys”
I was away on vacation these last four days, enjoying the unique summer culture of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Had I stayed home, the heat would have been suffocating in my non-air conditioned house. I heard rumors it was in the mid 90s all week, so I felt myself doubly blessed to be enjoying the ocean AND the air-conditioning at the hotel we were staying at.
One thing I enjoy while on vacation, is getting up really early and exploring. This could mean either biking, walking, or driving around town, possibly sipping an early morning cup of Joe, and enjoying the quiet. Once I find someplace I fancy, I’ll often stop and park myself, pull out a book or the local paper and read.
These morning excursions are also a time where I think. One of the main things I think about is how can I make my “everyday” life more like a vacation. Don’ laugh. Sure, that’s probably impossible, with all the responsibilities and duties I have as an adult and a parent, but it still must be possible to create a situation where everything doesn’t feel so overwhelming and stagnant.
I don’t intentionally try to keep up with the Jones’s, it just kind of happens organically, if such a thing is possible. Most of the time, I feel like I’m rowing with part of my rudder missing. I just keep spinning in a circle no matter how hard I paddle. And it’s annoying seeing everyone racing ahead while I create my own little whirlpool.
So I write this longing for more simplicity. Vacations create this illusion that life is a rudderless journey, enjoyed by those who take in the scenery. I’m trying hard to jump on board with that notion. It sure sounds good on paper, but that zen-like state is harder to achieve in real life.
Either way, we had a great time on vacation. Short, but sweet, and we all left longing for more, which is really how it should end.
Would you like to be a kid again, living a more carefree existence?
How do you keep up with the rat race? Do you even try?
Is it possible to make your life look more like a vacation?
_______________________________
I have to chime in on Lebron James. All the media is berating him for being an egomaniac and creating a look-at-me circus around his free agent announcement. This all may be true, but they are overlooking some important aspects of who he is.
Maybe Lebron’s head has gotten a bit big. I actually don’t think so based on his standing in the NBA. He IS the most dominant player in the league. Kobe might have the best jump shot, but he’s not in the same league as Lebron. Put Lebron on the Lakers and they don’t almost choke away the championship to the Celtics. In fact they sweep them. But that aside, Lebron has become bigger than just basketball. He’s a world wide celebrity. Yes, Lebron really is that big.
And I say these things because I’ve only been impressed with how he’s conducted himself. He hasn’t gotten into trouble with the law. He’s respectful of other players in the league. He treats his teammates well. He’s well spoken. He loves his family. And overall he’s been someone that I’m happy my kids love. I can’t say this for Kobe Bryant or some of the other top players in the league, who’ve all believed the hype at one point or another.
I am originally from Cleveland, so it’s sad to see Lebron leave. Just as Princess Leia says, “Obi Wan Kanobe, you’re my only hope,” Clevelanders felt that way about Lebron. And now he’s gone, and they’ve all turned on him. In fact the whole media has turned on him. But not me.
He played hard for Cleveland, only to be surrounded by a bunch of “has beens” and “not -so-goods.” He carried the team year after year, without really complaining that much. And frankly he wasn’t going to win there. They just weren’t good enough, even with a superstar.
So he doesn’t owe them anything more. What’s wrong with looking out for himself? He wants to win and he’s going some place he has a chance to do that. Miami certainly gives him that opportunity, although Chicago probably would have been a better choice. And aren’t those the kind of decisions we make everyday? What’s best for us, our career, our kids, our happiness? Sure we don’t do it as publicly, but most of us aren’t known by 99% of the planet. Thank god!
So it’s time to for him to move on. And for this former Clevelander, I wish him all the best. Because I always root for the nice guy.
(Hopefully he’ll stay that way!)
My annual ode to summer
Happy Fourth of July!
Written by “One of the Guys”
Summer holds a sacred place in the hearts of men. The warmth changes our perception. We feel empowered to turn possibility into reality. We play as if life weren’t as complicated as it is. We act like children, exploring the endless adventure that summer is. Beaches. Mountains. Bike Trails. Ball games. Amusement Parks. Bars. Barbecues.
As we prepare for our adventures, we lather on sunscreen, trying to prevent the streams of wear and tear on our faces from turning into rivers. We don a hat and the coolest pair of sunglasses we can afford, throw every possible accessory we might need into the trunk of our car, and head out to discover what we can discover. Or more aptly put, be open for what might discover us.
Summer is the season for improv. It’s the time we let life lead us instead of forcing the issue. And that alone makes it special.
But not me. No, my summer looks quite different from that. I’ll be doing Daddy Day Camp.
When I realized that I would be home with my kids all day, I went into a panic. Yes, I love my kids unconditionally. I spend my days and nights trying to figure out ways to enrich their lives. But spending twelve hours a day, five days a week with three active kids was not something I was ready for.
I knew I would need some structure, so I formulated a plan in the form of Daddy Day Camp. If you’re not familiar with this term, it’s really quite simple. When dealing with three kids who specialize in being hungry all the time, forgetting to use the bathroom when it’s available, fighting over anything and everything, and throwing their stuff all over the house, you need something to stop this endless cycle.
My wife said, “Just get one of those big blow up pools. You know, the kind big enough to actually swim in. They can play in that all summer.”
I said, “But that would mean I have to supervise the whole time. That kind of defeats the purpose really. I need stuff for them to do so I can get some of my own work done. I need more balance.”
She said, “Good luck with that.”
“Thanks Honey.”
So I instituted Daddy Day Camp.
The first day the kids and I had a meeting, where I handed out the daily agenda.
My middle guy said, “Dad this is summer. You’re not the boss of us. We get to do what we want!”
I said, “Where did you hear that nonsense? I’m the boss until you turn eighteen, or until you’re big enough to ignore me and then back it up. For now let’s go over the agenda.”
Number 1. Wake up. Eat a healthy breakfast without complaining.
Number 2. Practice piano, karate and anything else dad says to do.
(Kids are already rolling their eyes.)
Number 3. Tennis lessons with me. (They have that “OH NO” look.)
Number 4. Read. Draw. Or do something quiet so dad can work.
Number 5. Lunch.
(By now their eyes are coming out of their heads.)
Number 6. Quiet time in your rooms so dad can work. (They’re glancing at each other, so I have to throw them a bone.)
Number 7. Wii time. (Only if you’ve been quiet with no fighting.) (Yeah, right!)
Number 8. Play a sport or go on a field trip.
Number 9. Free time. Hang out time. Relax time.
Number 10. Early dinner.
Kids: Dad, this is going to be the worst summer ever!!
Me: Why, what’s wrong with the plan? It sounds fun to me.
Kids: It’s terrible.
Me: What’s wrong with it? You get to do a lot of cool stuff. We’ll check out some museums. We’ll go to the arboretum. We’ll play sports. I don’t see the problem.
Kids: The problem is, this is not what summer is about!!
Me: No? Well please enlighten me.
Kids: Summer is about fun. It’s about doing nothing. It’s about sitting in front of the TV or playing video games. It’s about shooting baskets without being instructed on the proper way to shoot a jump shot. It’s about us, not you.
Me: Hmm…..You make some good points there. But I’m going to have to veto all of them.
Kids: What? We don’t even know what that means.
Me: It means let’s get started. Number 1. Start eating!
So I hope all of you readers have a great summer. And please do me a favor. Think of me while you sip a cold drink of water, viewing a beautiful sunset, sitting on a vast mountaintop. I’ll be home, unshowered, dealing with the endless cycle of kids.
How do you achieve balance in the summer?
Any ideas? Thoughts? Help??
Multi-tasking: Squeeze every last drop
Happy Father’s Day!
We do a segment on our podcast called “Father Stories.” Since our fathers were influential in shaping the people we are today, we decided to do an entire segment talking about some of the stories we remember growing up. (And yes our mothers were too, but that goes without saying!)
If you’d like to share a story about your father, please drop us a note and put “Father Stories” in the header. We may just read yours on an upcoming podcast. And if you’re a blogger, we’ll certainly give you some props. Thanks!
Also, there’s been some general confusion about THE GUYS. So we’re here to clear this up. Yes, we are a bunch of guys. Some of the guys write. Some of the guys work on the podcast. And some of the guys work behind the scenes. We also have a creative team. So from now on, some of us will be putting our first names on our posts. Any post written collaboratively will be from THE GUYS.
Hope this helps!
Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”
I’m never late. Or at least I never used to be late.
It seems my urge to be productive has begun to affect my punctual side. Whenever I have 15 minutes of “idle time” I try to squeeze every drop I can out of it. I might try to respond to a few more emails, pay a couple of bills, make a quick call, or even try to fix something around the house. After I’ve done these things, sure enough I’ve well surpassed the 15 minutes I once had, and now I’m late to my next appointment. And of course odds are, I will surely land behind a bus or a truck as I race to make up the time on the road.
If this sounds familiar, you are also suffering from over-productivity. Over-productivity you say? How can someone actually be over productive? Believe me you can. This circumstance happens when your self-induced production diminishes another experience.
We all do this to a certain extent these days. And technology has made it very easy. When the cell phone was introduced it was used primarily for emergencies: being stranded on the road, being lost, or for reminding our spouse to pick up milk for cereal the next morning. But what’s happened is something no one could have predicted. Cell phones have to a great extent replaced landlines. We talk everywhere, including elevators, cars, business meetings, parties and even on dates. It’s given us ways to multi-task that we could never have conceived. But has it actually simplified our lives and made things easier?
Multi-tasking can be a good thing, but it also has a detrimental effect. It constantly beckons us throughout our days. It makes us scattered and unfocused. And it makes us feel like we should always be doing something. Actually not just something, but more than one thing. And if somehow we can do three or four things at once that’s even better. Of course this never-ending cycle will eventually run us into the ground.
And not only is technology doing exactly the opposite of what it was intended, it’s also reaching into other parts of our culture and diminishing those experiences. “Idle” has become a dirty word in our society, and it’s associated with laziness, aimlessness, and worthlessness. But in my mind it’s something we all should strive for more.
Experiences are being lost every day. They are following the lead of the Dodo Bird. Experiences like reading a good book, or taking a relaxing walk on the beach WITHOUT a phone, or sitting without fidgeting while our kids tell us about their day, are all being squeezed out in favor of screen time. Even books are being replaced by computerized versions of themselves.
I for one certainly like all these new gadgets and inventions. It shows that the spirit of ingenuity and invention is still very much alive in our world. But these gadgets shouldn’t replace and dilute everyday experiences. They should enhance them and give us new ways to actually experience life.
We’ve come too far to start regressing, but let’s make sure that even as we squeeze every last drop out of our day, we at least leave a few minutes to enjoy the lemonade, while taking in a quiet sunset.
Are you a multi-tasker? How so?
How do you think technology is impacting our lives? Good? Not so good?
How many things can you do at once? (I’m expecting some creative things here!)
Do you value “idle” time? In what ways?
Primal Spirit
Written by “Suburban Guy”
I realized recently that I’ve forgotten something very important. I realized that hidden behind all of my self-imposed restrictions and fears and limitations, there is a spirit within me that wants to feel absolutely powerful and free and beautiful. I connected with this feeling recently while listening to some primal music by a percussion team known as David and Steve Gordon. The song is called Spirit Vision, and it is a very primal and beautiful piece of music that evokes images of being wild and free and strong. You can listen to it here for free:
As I listened to it, I found myself yearning for a feeling of being fully alive, standing on the edge of a high cliff, feeling the wind on my face, tall, strong, brave, in the moment (add tanned skin and rippling muscles for a bonus). My imagination carried me away to a place where I lived as a part of a primal community, where I was respected for my strength and wisdom, where I was deeply connected to the earth and to the people and to a greater spirit, where I was powerful and beautiful. I stood on the cliff looking down, arms extended, overlooking my village, and knew that I was fully alive.
Okay, I know it sounds crazy, and perhaps something from a movie, but think about it. You’ve had this feeling yourself, perhaps after winning a big game, getting the girl/boy, achieving something really big or doing something that earned you lots of praise. You may not have been half-naked on a cliff, but inside your spirit was soaring. You’ve also gotten this feeling from watching movies. I recently watched Avatar and found it beautiful this way — the main character transforms into a powerful and respected being who takes on life moment by moment with incredible bravery and strength. Think about it. Many of our favorite stories seek to invoke this feeling, the feeling of living a life that is essential, spirited, adventurous, engaged moment by moment, meaningful: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, and even How to Train your Dragon.
I think the desire to feel this way is there for all of us, but we don’t think we deserve to feel it.
What stunned me is how briefly I was able to sustain the feeling. Way too soon, I felt my mind, my inner critic, step in and remind me: you’re not that! You’re a dopey Dad who’s arms are anything but rippling with muscle and your “tan” is on your forearms and nowhere else. You thinking of yourself as brave and strong is laughable! You can’t remember to give the dog medicine let alone be the wise leader of a tribe of beautiful people. You’re being ridiculous. Get down from there! You’ll poke your eye out! (sorry, couldn’t resist that one…)
You get the idea. I shamed myself out of the feeling as soon as I had found it. The good thing is that one of the lessons I’ve learned in my life is that in order to heal, I have to first know how I am suffering. It’s sort of the internal “bulking up” version of “no pain no gain.” Seeing the gap so clearly between what it would be like to feel expansive and free and what I “allow” myself to feel in everyday life is an amazing gift. The truth is — it doesn’t matter if I think anyone else sees me as a beautiful and wonderful spirit. What matters is that I allow myself to feel that way. Waiting for external approval is a losing game — why wait for other people who are limiting themselves to approve you so you can stop limiting yourself?
The truth is, there is no “entrance exam” or “quality bar” associated with feeling really amazing and free and alive. It’s available to anyone, and everyone deserves it. We just have to learn how to stop our inner critics from telling us to stop jumping on the bed because we’ll break a leg (or get laughed at for wearing a loin cloth on a cliff). Here are some lyrics from a John Mayer song that has now taken on new meaning for me (from No Such Thing):
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you’ve got to rise above
The lie is that you don’t deserve to feel expansive, beautiful, free, and strong.
Once again, I find that music has brought a valuable insight into my life. I think I’ll go out and buy a drum with feathers on it.
Necessary Conflict
Conflict is a natural byproduct of relationships, because people with ideas and opinions often disagree. Unhealthy conflict can cause blood pressure to rise, and turn sane people into raging lunatics. But healthy conflict is very necessary because it helps us address problems that frankly need to be addressed.
With a natural disaster polluting the ocean, political wars ravaging our hearts, and reality TV littering our airwaves, conflict is everywhere. It happens at the office and it happens at home. It happens on ball fields, highways, supermarkets and airplanes. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s essential for our continued evolution.
Conflict has always been the center of growth and exploration because our need to understand motivates us to address it. Scientists work day and night trying to unlock new sources of alternative energy and new cures for old nemeses. Engineers try to solve intricate mathematical puzzles to erect impossible structures above ground and beneath the ocean floor. And kids look out their windows on clear, star filled nights, wondering how it all happened. Conflict is what awakens our human ingenuity, and gets our wheels churning. And it works better than any synthesized drug on the black market.
Conflict also plays a big part in relationships. Two people inevitably will run into some sort of disagreement over the course of their time together. The big three sources of conflict within most relationships are money, kids and sex. Disagreements happen for quantitative reasons – too little or too much- or for qualitative reasons-how we define the experience. But it’s how we resolve these conflicts that ultimately define our partnership.
Sometimes the answers are easy. “If you give me something, I’ll give you something.” That would be called compromise, and that’s born from communication. Sometimes the answers are not so easy, and might take many conversations in the company of a licensed professional. Because we all come to every situation and relationship with our bag of “stuff.” Not necessarily our bag of karma, although that certainly accompanies us too, but our bag of learned responses that we’ve gathered over the years on this planet. And when our “stuff” clashes with someone else’s “stuff,” conflict happens.
Being more aware of the pitfalls that are part of relationships can help us sort out conflict. Understanding that conflict is inevitable is the first step, because it will help us feel more comfortable with it. Because conflict seems to be something most people avoid like a stranger on a quiet city street, in the late hours of the night. But conflict is something that has to be embraced in order for resolution to happen. It’s not fun, but it can’t be ignored, otherwise it just multiplies and gathers momentum, like the germs scientists work so hard to eradicate.
Life should be enjoyed to the fullest, but that doesn’t mean conflict isn’t present each and every day. But just keep in mind that without conflict billions of years ago, somewhere out in the vast universe, we all might not be here today.
THE GUYS
Would you rather deal with conflict head on or ignore it?
What kind of conflict is worth addressing?
How often do you deal with conflict in your life?
How do you deal with conflict in your primary relationships? Spouse, partner, kids?
Hate crimes
Upon visiting one of our favorite blogs, AskCherlock, we read a piece entitled Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet.
Here is an excerpt from her piece. Please go to her blog to read the rest of the article, as well as other great articles on world events and politics. And leave her a comment.
“……hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.”
For those of you who don’t know the word misogyny, it means quite simply, “hatred of women” or “considering them less” or “despising them.”
The first thought that comes to mind, besides the shame of coincidentally being the same gender as some of these men, is sadness. What type of upbringing, or lack of upbringing, must a boy have had to turn into a man filled with this type of anger? Or maybe he just picked up subtle clues over a long period of time. Either way it starts with parents.
Arguments are part of relationships, but it’s how the arguments are conducted that impact children and teach them how to treat one another. If a child senses veiled threats, bullying, or witnesses abuse, he will make mental notes about how relationships work. And ultimately he will conduct himself in a similar manner if not worse.
However it’s not always so obvious. Sometimes it could be simply, a boy hears remarks about how woman look and act. Over time these remarks gain momentum and make it clear to the boys that women are in fact just objects. And it’s a lot easier to hate an object than it is a person.
Discussing origins is one thing, but intervening to stop these types of crimes is a whole different ball game. However, do we really have a choice? Cher discusses how the internet is playing a role in hate crimes. We can see how easy it is to start a blog or a forum, and throw out all sorts of venomous barbs with little or no consequences. For in many ways the internet is truly the wild frontier with its own laws and it’s own sense of justice. But we are not helpless to combat this type of thing. We must put on our sheriff’s hats and rally together and speak up.
Hate crimes against anyone should never be tolerated!!
If we work together as a united front, it’s possible we can help stop a few tragedies from happening. Please do your part to spread the word.
THE GUYS
Don't give him so much Power!
From: “One of The Guys”
Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.
Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.
But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??
You ready for this.
I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.
Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)
Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.
You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.
Confused?
Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.
But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious human beings.
Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.
So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.
And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.
Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!
If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.
So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?
What's happened to creativity?
From: “One of The Guys”
Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.
Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.
For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.
But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.
So what’s happened to creativity?
Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?
What do you think?
The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.
But where does this all start?
I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.
Here’s how:
Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.
Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.
But here’s what’s happened.
It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.
Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?
Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.
Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.
Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?
Them: We can’t remember.
Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.
Them: We just want to play Wii.
Me: Didn’t I just say no?
Them: C’mon.
So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.
Me: Really? Nothing? Really?
Him: No, I can’t think of anything.
Me: Do you want some help?
(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)
Me: Well, what sports do you like?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?
Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!
Me: What!!? Why?
Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.
Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.
Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.
(Silence. So I keep pushing it)
Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?
Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)
Him: Harumph…..
After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.
Things I like to Do(His List)
1. Lie in Bed
2. Kind of read
I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”
Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!! But now I’m onto them.
So after pondering this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.
He seemed to like that idea.
Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.
Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.
So I ask you.
What’s happened to creativity?
Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!
Whoa!
THE GUYS have worked hard to be fair, honest and thoughtful when writing all of our posts. That’s been our trademark since we launched this site. And that’s what has attracted our readers to us.
But we also don’t believe difficult topics should be ignored, as you read in our three posts about “Cheating.” We offered three different perspectives coming from three different sets of experiences. A tough topic indeed, but one that invited positive dialogue and resulted in many questions submitted to us.
This is what we’re about. Creating a forum for discussion that lends itself to growth and understanding. But it doesn’t always work out that way based on the comments section in our most recent post. (We pulled it. A business decision, not an editorial one.)
Differing opinions, even when direct, harsh, strong or unadulterated are part of all of us. We don’t have to look further than Washington to witness this in its full blown glory. If you turn on the TV or radio, or pick up a paper or magazine, you’ll see it. It’s everywhere. It’s part of us. We have opinions, strong opinions and we all want to voice them.
We stand behind our guest writers. They brought a topic to our attention that we thought might be interesting to explore, so we gave our opinion and offered space for our two guests to give their opinions. Their opinions were different than ours, but we felt it was a good thing for our readers to get a taste of varying perspectives. Isn’t it better to be in the know, than not?
The last thing we’ll say is, guys in general have been called every name in the book. Meathead, bozo, dickhead, asshole, etc. We’ve been stereotyped in every sitcom as lazy, not very good at listening and not in touch with our feelings. We laugh right along with these jokes because even though we’re guys, that’s NOT US! Somehow we always have the sense it’s the other guy they’re making fun of.
THE GUYS
Got Moxie?
From “Suburban Guy”…..
Let’s just put this right out there. I’m a man. No doubt about it. I have all the plumbing, and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with singing show tunes, obsessing about clothing, and saying things like “you bitch!” to other men, I’m not on that team (not that here is anything wrong with the other team, honestly). To put a fine point on it, I’m just a regular guy. That said, I’m different in one very big way: I have a purse.
I don’t call it a purse, of course. And, I can’t stand those silly names like “murse” and “man bag.” Holy crap. It’s a bag, just that. I put stuff in it that I like to have with me when I go places. Frankly, it’s very butch looking. I got it for eleven dollars on Amazon as a “messenger bag.” It’s black and cool and I wear it low like a saddle bag on a mule, usually even over two shoulders. I imagine people think its full of gunpowder and lead for my concealed musket. Okay, maybe not.
I used to use a backpack since they are socially acceptable for men to carry. The only problem is that they are ten times too big and you can’t take one with you to a dinner or a party or the movies. Have you ever seen a man enter a fine restaurant with a backpack wrinkling his suit jacket and then tuck it under his seat? Sure, but it’s very rare. Bring one to the movies, and twelve ushers will ask you to check the contents. Like a woman couldn’t sneak a rogue Twix bar or a gallon of Smirnoff in some freakin’ Vera Bradley monstrosity? You could fit a whole watermelon in some of those things!
I can hear you out there, men and woman alike. You can’t help it. You think that a man carrying a bag is ridiculous, silly, effeminate. Wow! Know what, and this surprised me — so do I. As much as I’d like to be brazen about it and take it with me all the time, I still leave it in the car more than I actually wear it into social settings. When I do, I can just feel the eyes and comments all around me (I can be such a middle-aged teen sometimes!).
“Is that man wearing a purse?”
“Is he gay? I didn’t know…”
“Look at fancy-boy with his purse!”
I keep trying, and I’m getting better. Logically, I can’t see what’s wrong with a guy wanting to have some stuff with him wherever he goes. I keep a good book in there, a flashlight, a couple of pens, a notepad to jot down ideas. I added a small umbrella and one of those little ten-packs of tissues. Someday I may even add some Purell. Who knows — the sky’s the limit. Consider this: what we are allowed socially is what will fit into a wallet. Thanks. I’ll fold up a single page of the book I’m reading and tuck it behind my Visa card. Perhaps I could slip a tissue in with my tens and twenties.
The problem is that even though I know the logic is sound, logic isn’t winning out, not yet. I wish I could be like good old Kosmo Kramer sometimes, just not give a rat’s ass about what other people think — hair sticking up, plaid trousers with a rumpled shirt, wearing a bag over the shoulder. I know a lot of celebrities are carrying bags now. I saw a picture of Brad Pitt with one (also wearing a goofy knit hat that screamed “I’m so attractive I don’t even look bad when I try.”). But, I guess I just don’t have that sort of moxie. I’m working on it.
The whole thing is really very silly, really. In some countries, men wear dresses and skirts. Not yearning for that, but in comparison, you’d think carrying a little ten inch black bag ought to be as easy as wearing a pink shirt, right? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I still haven’t gone there either…
The Looming Forest
Written by: “One of The Guys”
Hair(As defined by Webster): Any of the fine, threadlike outgrowths from the skin of an animal or human being.
Body Hair(As defined by The Guys): Any of the above mentioned hair that grows all the places we don’t want it to.
The topic of body hair was brought up recently at one of our round table discussions. Apparently a few of our comrades have recently been contemplating full body laser surgery, to remove their full bodied rugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you’ve ever seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ll know what I mean. The hair waxing scene is one of the funniest moments in that movie.
But laser surgery!? Is body hair really that bad? Let’s examine the pros and cons.
On the pro side.
1. It keeps you warm. No need to put on that extra sweater in the winter.
2. You can hide things in there. Like that piece of gold you don’t want to declare at customs. Very handy.
3. No need to buy a Halloween costume….ever! The Wolf Man is always en vogue.
4. If you start going bald, you have a lot of real hair to use for the transplant.
On the con side:
1. It’s hot as hell!
2. Forget taking your shirt off at the beach.
3. Sweating is taken to a whole new level.
4. Did I mention it’s hot as hell!
5. And who knows what your partner is really thinking?
And that’s a question we’ll be asking later in this post. What does your partner actually think about this? And is it so bad to call for drastic measures?
Of course I wouldn’t know. I’ve had one chest hair in my time of this planet which I’ve diligently kept trimmed. Although there was a time when I felt the need to point it out to people, just to let people know I was capable of actually growing a chest hair. But I see I might be one of the lucky ones. For now.
I say for now, because body hair is something no man ever really escapes. Eventually hair will grow from every crevice in his body until he is consumed. And it’s already happening to me. Just the other day I looked in the mirror and I said, “Is that a hair growing out of my eye?”
However, the real question is, is there a double standard when it comes to body hair?
A guy can walk around with a carpet on his back and a furry woodland creature on his face and his partner just has to deal with it. But women jump through the proverbial hoop just to rid themselves of a little hair. Especially nowadays, hair seems to be WAY OUT. Here’s what I’ve witnessed, or at least heard about, in terms of women grooming themselves.
Waxing the hair under their lip.
The bikini wax and trim.
Shaving their underarms.
Shaving their legs.
The eyebrow pluck.
And then of course we have the various degrees of grooming when it comes to the private area.
The Brazilian
The French
The Landing Strip
The Isosceles
The Cardshark
And more………….
I mean talk about the pressure! This takes grooming to a whole new level. Women have always had to think about clothes and the way they look on the outside, but now they have to think about what’s going on under the clothes?! That’s just too much!
For guys, we just have to brush our teeth, wash and comb our hair and put on clean undies. Expectations are low and as long as we’re clean and reasonably kept, we can get away with a lot.(I think)
But now the tables are turning a bit. Like I said, hair is going out of style, especially unseemly body hair. And some of The Guys are taking a hard look at themselves and realizing that maybe their little tree farm isn’t that attractive after all.
As for women, I for one don’t really care what they do with their hair. That’s their business. It’s certainly not a determining factor on why I would or wouldn’t date someone. (Although I’m not longer in the game, so it’s a moot point.) But I’m just saying. “The Patchouli” is certainly fine with me. (Look it up)
But as far as guys go, our body hair is just like the lawns we work so hard to keep immaculate. At the end of the day, the weeds will win out, and our body hair will eventually consume every inch of our bodies.
So I say to my Guys, save yourself some money. Forget the surgery and just let it ride. You’re actually trend setters, you just don’t know it yet. Because when it’s all said and done, even me, with my one hair on my chest, will become consumed by the looming forest.
Men: Do you think we should shave our body hair or remove it permanently? What does your partner say about it? Also, what kind of grooming do you prefer in your partner?
Women: Is there a major double standard going on with body hair? Do you care? How do you like to groom yourself? (Please share if you’d like) And how do you really feel about body hair on guys?
Cheating Part 3: Inner Child
Readers,
Also check out: Part 2: I was Tiger AND Part 1: Cheating
Search our archives for many more posts on the topic of cheating.
Or ask your own question. Go to the “Ask the Guys” page on our site and use the form there.
Thanks,
THE GUYS
Written by “Suburban Guy”
I think often of these lines from the song Woman by John Lennon:
Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands…
Remember that “Rolling Stone” cover where a naked John Lennon is curling up at the side of a fully clothed Yoko? Most people find it disturbing. I don’t, not really, even though it’s not really attractive.
Here’s a link to the photo I’m talking about:
I know what he’s trying to say, and I solute his bravery to be so open about it. In my opinion, most men, unless they have done inner child work of some sort (like John Lennon did), won’t admit the need they feel deep inside to be connected to a woman this powerfully. There is an inner child who yearns to be absolutely adored, protected, loved, safe. Don’t get me wrong. That’s not all we are in a relationship. We are also strong, spontaneous, and independent in many ways, but the inner child is there for most of us, influencing, driving, even pushing us to the point of frustration and in some extreme cases inappropriate acts.
Some men realize the inner drive of that child and are able to integrate it into life and relationships in meaningful ways. I’m still working on that personally, and I realized how much time and work it takes. But some men are blind to their inner child, and it hurts them and the people around them, often profoundly.
Abusive men are horrific examples of how a deeply wounded inner child can have a devastating impact. In order to appease the needs of their disfigured inner child, abusive men must absolutely possess the loyalty and attention of a woman. The slightest sign of rejection or “disloyalty” (read: a look, a hint of rejection, a sign of independence) sends them into fits of rage.
People who are compulsive cheaters have a similar problem, in my mind (ala Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer). For them, they need that feeling of having a fresh romance or intimate encounter, one where all barriers are broken down and the egos merge, essentially — temporary possession of the total attention of a woman. Once that feeling is gone, they start searching for it anew, sometimes the very next day. They are broken and searching for something that will fix them, even if only one night at a time.
To help frame this, let me switch and consider the opposite end of the spectrum — the male who knows his inner child and has healed it in many ways. First of all, this sort of man wouldn’t walk into a relationship that is basically wrong. He wouldn’t choose a woman who his inner child needs to “possess” or who gives his inner child the opportunity to rage the way it never could before. He would choose a partner who he enjoys and who “gets” him. Secondly, he would enjoy the closeness of a good relationship without depending on it. Sex would be an opportunity to share love, warm and gentle, not an attempt to satisfy inner emotional aches and pains. And, finally, he would first and foremost want to help his partner be happy, not because he is hoping to get anything in return, but just because love like that feels really good to give.
Sounds pretty good, pretty normal, right? Yet, how many men are there? I’m not, not yet. And if you check the web for info on marital unhappiness, infidelity, divorce, “sexless” marriages, etc, etc, I think you will come up with a good number on your own. It’s not high.
That brings me back to the naked and courageous John Lennon. With that photo and in many other ways, John was a pioneer on the emotional front, experimenting with Primal Therapy among other things. Boy do I wish he were still around. We have Bob Dole for erectile dysfunction (odd, but actually pretty brave). If only we had John Lennon working for inner child dysfunction! I think it would help a lot of people to have all of this talked about more.
I wrote this article from a limited perspective. Being a guy, I get the male inner child. But I often wish I understood the female inner child more. I know it exists. Almost no human escapes having a childhood (or just a history) unscathed. What I don’t feel like I know is the shape the female inner child takes in a relationship. Love to hear your thoughts.
THANKS!!!!!
Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger
Readers,
Also check out: Part 1: Cheating AND Part 3: Inner Child
Search our archives for many other posts on the topic of cheating. Or ask us a question of your own.
Go to the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a note.
Thanks,
THE GUYS
Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.
5 years ago I was Tiger.Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles.Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends.Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track.Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.
Is “Love” Addiction Real?
From my experience, absolutely.As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping.The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food.And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control.Lots of books on this.Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic.I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since.If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.
Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?
Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally.Been to your 25th high school reunion yet?If so you know the former is true.The internal changes are tougher.For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family.Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done.And it’s an ongoing process.
How Did My Wife Forgive Me?
I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part.I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance.If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me.We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously.She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind.When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal.My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time.Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us.I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me.Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.
Have You Had Experiences With This?
Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal?Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven?My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.
Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating
Readers,
Also read, Part 2: I was Tiger AND Part 3: Inner Child
The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.
These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.
But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”
So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.
As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree (some of you will), agree (we hope you might) or share your personal experiences.
Thanks,
THE GUYS
“Cheating” by One of the Guys
Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!
But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?
That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.
For Example:
Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?
Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?
Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?
What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?
Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.
Here is one example:
Mr. Do the Right Thing
A friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”
He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”
I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”
He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”
I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)
And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)
Another Example:
Mr. Cool
This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.
I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”
He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”
I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”
He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”
I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means.)
He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”
I said, “Hmmm……………”
After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.
If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.
But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.
When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.
So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?
Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?
Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?
I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)
Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:
“Well why won’t they have sex with you?
What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?
Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?
Or talk to them?
Or help around the house?
Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”
But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.
But bottom line. It’s complicated.
So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.
Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”
To ask us a question, use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page.
Other posts on cheating:
My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?
The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?
I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth?
Stream of Consciousness
This is part three of our miniseries, recognizing some of the sites we love. Check them out at the bottom of this post.
The first post we dipped back into time bringing you a piece of nostalgia from our childhood. “The Uniform”
The second post was all about expectations of that “coming of age” event called, “The Prom.”
Now from, “One of The Guys”
Well, this is going to be more of a stream of consciousness post. I’m just going to see where it goes. I like to do that sometimes. I might have a nugget of an idea, and then see how far I can develop it, similar to improvising on a theme when I play music. That’s what improvising is all about. Not knowing where the story is going, but still having some parameters to work with; basically the other musicians, the chord changes (if there are any) and the audience, because surely their enthusiasm or lack thereof dictates how the story is told.
And isn’t that the truth? Isn’t that what life is like? What being a person on this planet is like? One Big Blessed Improv Routine!! I mean seriously. We don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, where we’re going, what’s right, what’s wrong, who we really are. In fact by the time we THINK we’ve kind of figured it all out, we know the story is just about to conclude, and there’s no way to alter the ending.
I think about this a lot when I’m at home dealing with my kids. I try to give them parameters to work with, but I can’t control their own story as much as I’d like to sometimes. Why do I want to control it? Because this world is a scary place. And the older I get the scarier I think it is. Now don’t get me wrong. I work hard to see the beauty in all of it too, and I try not to let my fears paralyze me, or my kids. But now that I do have a family, life somehow seems more precarious, more fragile.
I remember being a bold teen, walking down the city streets alone, and not being scared of anything. Ignorance is bliss.
BUT NOW?
Now, the freaking squirrels scare the crap out of me. I think to myself, if one of those little ferocious beasts actually attacked me or the kids, I don’t think I could fight it off. Seriously! Could you? What if all the squirrels in the world decided to attack at once? We’d all be TOAST!
What does this mean besides that I’m nuts?
It means that we all have to trust in “the order of the universe.” Trust that the sun will come up…..at least occasionally where I live. Trust that darkness will come so we can rest. Trust that our kids will learn their own lessons and grow from them. And trust that the damn squirrels will stick to the trees.
So as I navigate through this world, it’s clear to me that I’m not alone. That no matter how nutty my thoughts are, I know I can just search, “Nutty Thoughts” on the web and find about a million people who think exactly as I do. (I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not, but it’s still amazing)
So what’s the lesson.?
We need to stick together, that’s what. We need to try to understand one another and realize that we all have so much more in common than we don’t. We need to realize we all care about our families and we all want our kids to grow up and be happy and have opportunities. We all want to sit back and watch a game and root for our team without being castigated or threatened. We want the simple things too. A nice meal with a friend OR by ourselves. A quiet time to think. A good run, or walk. A night out to watch a concert. Some alone time with our honey. Or maybe time to read a cool blog, or find some cool new app on our iphone. (I don’t have one yet) We all just want to live and enjoy the time while we are here. Have fun. And maybe try to figure out where we’re headed after our time is up on this planet earth. Or maybe not.
Sure we’re all unique and that’s what makes this place so damn cool! But until we start acknowledging our similarities, we can’t celebrate our differences, to use a common PC expression. (Don’t get me started about being PC)
And let’s be honest, who the hell isn’t scared shitless of squirrels?
Take some time to check out these great sites. They cover all the things you might be interested in: Politics, Art, Philosophy, Religion,Parenting, Travel, and lots of humor! Enjoy!
Out of Context: Pieces for a Life (aphorisms)
Footsteps (Travels and Journeys)
How good could it be?
Posted by: “Suburban Guy”
I’m in a long term relationship that’s gone sort of cold, and I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of how good a relationship can feel. So the other day, I asked my self: How good could it be? The following little vignette came to mind, and I think it paints a reasonable answer to that question, at least it does for me.
________________________
“The alarm clock goes off on a snowy Tuesday, and my wife leans over to turn it off. When she turns back, I move close and reach over. Lifting her flannel top just a little, I place my hand on her warm, soft stomach. She turns and smiles and then leans in to give me kiss, deep and open, loose and wet. It’s morning, so her breath is a little stale, but I don’t mind. The kiss is really amazing.
She ends the kiss with a little nibble of my lip. “What are you doing this morning with the snow and all? School will probably open late.”
I sigh and roll over on my back. “I have early meetings, so I need to go in regular time.”
Her hand, friendly and gentle, moves up the sleeve of my shirt to rest on my shoulder, her bare leg crosses over mine. “Wish you could stay…”
My whole body is tingling, her touch feels so good, but I know I really do have to get up. I lean in and we kiss again. “You can’t know how much I wish I could.”
I turn to get up, and her hand drops to my stomach and then runs up my shirt to my bare chest. “Maybe tonight, we can find a little time for us?”
I’m glowing inside and hating the fact that I have to leave, but I do. I have to. “That would be really great. I’ll be thinking about it all day now…” Another kiss, and then, “Anything I can do for you before I go, aside from the regular stuff?”
She rolls back, looking disappointed. “If you must go, but sure – can you change the bulb over the sink? It’s out and hard for me to reach.”
“Sure thing,” my feet are off the bed and I stand up. “I love you.”
“Me too.”
All day long, I can’t get the delightful feeling of my wife’s touch off my mind. I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have such an open, loving woman to go home to and I am tingly at the thought of disappearing under the covers with her at night, to laugh and touch and just feel really, really lost in love.
The end (I’m not going to let this get x rated…)
________________________
I know the above could never be the case all the time, but if it was just even occasionally this beautiful and simple, my whole outlook on the relationship would change. I know I own half the equation here and that I’m not always the man in that vignette either, but relationships aren’t solos. They are duets, and that means both players must work together to achieve harmony. The challenge is: how do you get back to harmony once discord has settled in?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this?
Personal Space Invaders
Our world is changing fast, especially from a technological standpoint. The ability to communicate with anyone around the world has become as easy as turning on the faucet. Cell phones, email, skype and social networking sites all provide access and make the world essentially a smaller place.
So is this a good thing? We say yes for the most part, because with a larger market there are more opportunities. However, this also comes with new forms of abuse.
Privacy has taken a nose dive. It’s easy to find anyone on the planet. And if you ever had dreams of getting off the grid, you were born a century too late.
But people have been ignoring personal boundaries for a long time. These are people who either aren’t aware of personal space or ignore it to serve their own purposes. We call these people,
PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS.
They come in many forms. Some are completely harmless and others are actually quite dangerous.
Let’s take a look at these people in all their mutations.
Close Talkers: Maybe coined by the great Seinfeld episode….These are the people who cozy up to you during a conversation and spray you with saliva bombs and other debris. They are usually completely harmless and are actually quite chummy. But if you know you’re going to encounter one, plan accordingly. Bring an extra change of clothes and a face mask.
Touchers: These are people who touch to accentuate their point. It’s a way to bond. Now in some cases this is sweet and nice, but often it can get to be too much. How do you know when it’s too much? By the bruises on your arms or back the next day. But honestly they do mean well in general, unless they are really a Groper in disguise. You’ll know this when they apologize for accidentally missing your shoulder.
Big Huggers: They are in the Touchers family, but they actually have an agenda beyond bonding. Generally the rule of hugging is similar to the rule of hand shaking. It should be somewhat equal. We hate it when some GUY tries to show how manly he is by squeezing the crap out of our hand. C’mon MAN! Firm is one thing, but this is not a contest. These Big Huggers often get a thrill out of feeling another body close to them, so they squeeze and squeeze. Once again they are generally harmless, but best avoided. And they are everywhere!
Phone Solicitors: These people drove the wagons west and carved the way for the rest of the technological abusers. They call us any time of day and night with no respect for privacy or family time. Now sure, it’s their job, but at some point they might need to ask themselves, “Is it really OK to call on a Sunday night at 9pm?” There is such a thing as Karma….we think?
The general populace has been able to combat them with a variety of measures including the answering machine and caller ID. But it’s still maddening that they even make the attempt. And when you ask them to put you on the DO NOT CALL list, they are polite and sweet, but then their colleague calls you the next day feigning innocence. MORAL: Don’t answer your phone.
Spammers: We’ve been inundated with Spammers lately. We’re not sure what they are actually gaining from their actions, since we delete them as fast as they post. But they are so annoying, like persistent flies or mosquitoes, feeding off our blood.
If anyone has any advice on what Captcha to use, etc. please let us know.
Otherwise we wish we could set up a new sort of Octagon, where the Phone Solicitors and the Spammers could fight to the death. And the rest would be fed to the Stalkers.
Stalkers: These people range from creepy to dangerous and every level in between. Who are they? Possibly spurned lovers, crazies, people who are angry with their life or jealous of someone else’s life. Either way, they use every means possible to unsettle their target. It’s like a home invasion that goes on in perpetuity.
These people are savvy and smart too, using sites like Facebook to assume the identity of their target and then infiltrate his/her world. (Yes, this just happened to “Another One of The Guys.”)
They are very difficult to get rid of.
So, what to do about all this?
All of this technology allows businesses and yes even Bloggers to expand their brand and reach a wider audience, but reaching a wider audience can also mean more problems. But that shouldn’t stop any of us. We can’t let these people slow us down! So keep your radar up and don’t let them get to you.
How do you combat these Personal Space Invaders?
THE GUYS
Conflict, Grudges and Politics
Conflict is part of every relationship. No two people are going to agree on everything. Sure, we’d like to find someone who is on the same page as us when it comes to children, religion, politics or our favorite sports team. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s still plenty to argue about; think money and sex.
For many years we’ve all heard that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. And that may be true, but it’s not the reason people have conflicts in their relationships. It’s more often about HOW the two people argue and whether it’s constructive or not. When it’s not, often there’s a grudge holder in the mix that has a hard time letting go.
So what constitutes fighting badly?
1. Getting off topic and bringing up the past.
Dragging old arguments into new ones is just bad, bad, bad. But so easy to do! 
Politicians are good at this.
2. Comparing the other person to someone they know you don’t like.
This is will escalate the discussion into a fight faster than you can say……Dick Cheney.
3. Hurling insults or swears.
Like calling each other a Sarah Palin. There’s no reconciliation after you go rogue.
4. Constantly cutting off the other person to make your point. Or basically not listening.
Or you could call this “Rush Limbaughing” to judgement.
5. Holding a grudge.
Hmmm……..I’m not even going there on this one.
By the time you get to number 5, the discussion/argument/fight is over for one person, but not the other. The second person clings to the problem obsessively, preferring to be right over resolving the conflict. Sometimes, this only lasts for a short while and they they come to their senses. Sometimes it goes on forever and it gets brought up in the next argument, and so on.
This is the kind of argument that goes on in Washington every day. Bad fighting and grudge holding run in perpetual motion 365 days of the year. But we actually now have a president who’s trying to break the cycle and get down to the basic task of fixing this broken country. It’s a shame both sides can’t just work together.
And although, I stand behind the president, there are many on both sides who won’t let go of some of their grudges. For change to happen and problems to be solved, we need at least some of these people to forgive and forget.
But if that can’t happen, we can at least do our best to take care of our own business. We can take care of our little kingdoms scattered across this country. Because in actuality, we aren’t from Venus or Mars, but from this little planet called Earth.
ALL OF US!
THE GUYS
The Balancing Act of an Artist
From “ONE of THE GUYS”
When people ask me what I do, I say, “It’s simple. Imagine a jar filled with rocks. The jar is everyday life, the rocks are my kids and my wife.”
“But what about you?” they say.
“I am the sand that gets poured in to fill all the cracks,” I say.
And you know what, that’s exactly what it’s like! I am a musician, writer, and teacher. Basically an artist as one would define it. This pursuit allows me a lot of flexibility in my schedule, so I’m able to make our busy lives a little less crazed, and metaphorically “fill the jar.”
To be an artist and do it “right” you have to immerse yourself in your chosen field, whether it’s composition, painting, writing, pottery, performance or whatever. You have to live and breathe your art. And you have to be open enough to say yes to every possible opportunity. If you don’t allow yourself the freedom to go on tour, or work whenever the muse hits, or move to a new city because you found a better environment to do your work in, you have to figure out a way to enjoy the small victories.
I’ve chosen to live a more “normal” life; one with a family that I actually spend time with on a regular basis. So I am not doing it “right.” In fact, being a father and husband is diametrically opposed to being a true artist, mainly because of the time and commitment constraints. So, I’m forced to become as malleable as a young child’s mind and say yes to every little job that comes my way. Like this to a prospective student:
“Sure I can teach you. What time? 2am? No problem, I’ll be there after my gig.” When I say yes to something like that, I feel like a cheap whore, willing to turn any trick just to make a buck.
I would argue that anyone who’s living through, or has lived through, the trials, victories and defeats of raising children has much to bring to his or her art. It’s just that there is no time to actually bring it. Sure, some people can do it, but it’s not easy, and it feels contrived somehow to try and fit it in. That doesn’t sound very romantic and certainly is not what a “real” artist would do. A “real” artist sleeps until whenever. Works all day. Meets up with the rest of the local artists at the cafe in the late afternoon. And then after drinks and discussions, resumes working until the wee hours of the morning.
Of course I know that’s total BS and just the way I envision it to be. The world really isn’t like that anymore. The reality is, living costs money, and whether you have kids or not, the bills need to be paid and food has to be bought. So maybe, doing it “right” is all a matter of perception. Hmm…….
So fine, I can live with small victories. A cool gig here and there. A fun recording session; that actually pays! Some great comments here on The Guy’s Perspective, or releasing a CD or book. Because I don’t write this out of bitterness. I made my choices and I’m generally happy with them. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them to be famous.
But damn, it does seem like every time I have something interesting scheduled, something comes up with my kids, my family or just life in general. I mean it’s uncanny, like the fates are conspiring against me.
I know many of you reading this are also struggling with balancing your artistic endeavors with your domestic responsibilities. How do you make it all work? How do you balance things? Do you feel like a cheap whore too?
Well gotta run. Master calls. I got a sick kid who’s ringing the bell for me. Ahh, the life of an artist. Isn’t it grand?
The Duality of Men: Why guys are the way they are
A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)
How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?
This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.
Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.
But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!
However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.
So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?
It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.
Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?
We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:
What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!
We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.
But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.
Here are some basic rules to understand:
1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.
2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.
3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.
4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.
5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.
The last thing we have to say about all of this is:
Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.
Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.
THE GUYS
PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz
How are you? A simple multiple choice question.
As I was walking into the grocery store the other day I saw a friend of mine.
He smiled and said, “How are you?”
I had a lot on my mind at that moment and I proceeded to tell him how I was doing. When I looked up, I could see the look of horror on his face. Clearly I had violated appropriate social etiquette.
“How are you?” is a simple multiple choice question for which there are only two appropriate answers.
a) Good
b) Fine
Anything else is a breach of “said” social contract which we all unwittingly agree to, in order to function in our complex society.
So does anyone really care how anyone else is? Possibly, but that’s yet to be determined.
So let’s look at three possible scenarios for why this kind of interaction is taking place across the nation on a regular basis.
1. We truly don’t care about other people because we’re too wrapped up in our own little world.
2. We constantly feel like we’re rushing, so we don’t feel like we have the time to really care.
3. We’ve forgotten how to listen. Or we never learned how to listen. Or listening makes us uncomfortable.
I try hard not to fall into any of these camps, but if I do it would be the second camp. I’m overwhelmed with everything I feel I need to do. But much of it is self-imposed. Do I really need to check my email while my wife is trying to talk to me? Or cut the lawn instead of playing with my kids? Or just let time determine my interactions?
As for Guys in general, we are often accused of being in the third camp. Of course being a Guy, I feel like this is totally unfair. Yes, we’re easily distracted, but we do know how to listen, we just need to be interested in the topic at hand. But that’s not really being a good listener is it? It really shouldn’t matter what the topic is. Lending an ear to someone is about getting beyond yourself. The Guys are working on it!
In what camp do you fall if any?
So having said all of that, sometimes I just don’t want to DEAL. So I’ve begun to devise a system that might help us all deal a little easier. It’s pretty easy. Body parts symbolize certain things. You just nod and point. I’ll give you a few examples.
The Easy Way Out: How to not say, “How are you?”
Nod and put finger to mouth: This means I’m good, but I’m hungry. Stay away or you might get bitten.
Nod and point to crotch: This means I need to find a bathroom quickly, so no time to chat.
Nod and stick hands in armpits: Get back for your own protection. I haven’t showered.
Any other suggestions are welcome!
One thing my system makes very clear. You know if you walk by me and I say, “How are you?” I actually really want you to answer…..truthfully!!
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Screw PC!!
Over the summer I asked my daughter what she was looking forward to most about kindergarten and one of things she said was the bus ride. For my older boys the bus ride has represented a new found independence that has been exhilarating for them. My daughter could sense that as well. Her first taste of freedom. Ahh, so good!
For the most part the bus ride AND kindergarten have lived up to her expectations, but a few recent incidents have gotten my blood boiling.
One day a bunch of six grade boys got in trouble at school, which means they had to wait until all the kids boarded the bus, which also meant they ended up having to sit with the kindergartners in the front. That in itself was probably not the best idea, but for the majority of kids it would have been fine. However, apparently not for these six grade boys.
They started talking to my daughter and making jokes. She is pretty cute, but most kindergartners are. Anyway, one of the knuckleheads says, “So and so will give you a kiss if you give him a high five.” Now right there I’m alarmed. Luckily my daughter is pretty smart and tough, two brothers and all, and she says, “NO!”
Good for her. But bad for these boys. I call the principal the next day and have a meeting with him. Maybe this was all in fun, but I don’t care. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this should not be going on. He agrees. And he speaks to the boys and explains to them why that was not OK. He calls me and says he believes they just didn’t get it and now they understand. OK, I was a boy once and I know how clueless I was.(Hitting the girls I liked with snow balls in the head?!) So, I try to move on.
But NO! The very next day some boys in first and second grade starts teasing my daughter and yelling to the back of the boys that she kissed so and so. She’s saying in her little kindergarten voice, “It’s not true!” “It’s not true!”
Now I’m livid, but still trying to keep cool about it. This should not be happening! Generally I’m not one of these parents that makes a stink about every little incident. But when it comes to older boys and my five year old daughter, forget it!
I make another phone call to the same principal. He calls the other principal. (Two different schools ride this bus.) Another discussion ensues. Problem resolved. I hope.
But I’m still pissed off!! And I don’t trust completely that it’s over.
Let me fill in for one second. I believe that most problems are better resolved between kids, but this just feels different to me. As a parent we constantly have to critique every situation and ask ourselves, “Should we intervene?” In most cases the answer is no. Let the kids work things out for themselves. And in most cases, that’s what I do.
More back drop: I also have two boys who are a little older than my daughter and who ride the bus too. Now you’re probably wondering, what are her two older brothers doing while this is going on? Me too?!!
I pull my boys aside and ask them this very question. Although to be fair, they’re only in first grade and in third grade. And they’re just as clueless as the other boys.
They say, “Dad, we didn’t even know this was going on.”
They ride in the back of the bus having a grand time. They’re in their glory back there! But I say,”You need to look out for one other. That’s what brothers and sisters do.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve only gotten into one fight in my life and that was over in about five seconds. Stupid! I don’t avoid conflict, I just avoid fights. I would never want to put my boys in harms way either. But a united front can go a long way in “solving” a problem. Most of the time, the threat is enough. So I pull my third grader aside and I say to him. “You have my permission to take care of the situation if negotiating doesn’t work.”
I know, I know. But dammit sometimes talking isn’t enough. I don’t want him to get in a fight. Absolutely not! And do I want him to “use his words first?” Of course I do!! I expect it. And do I want him to seek adult help after he tries to resolve the problem. Absolutely!
But you know what, sometimes you just gotta say, “SCREW PC!”
The world of kids hasn’t changed that much in the last thirty years. It can be as cut throat and nasty as the adult world, or worse. And sometimes a thinly veiled threat is what it might take for a little kindergarten girl to enjoy her first bus rides to school.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
ps. At this time there have been no threats reported on bus number 13!
We don't care what you do!
I read a recent post from one of my blogging friends, The Love Skeptic. It was a fun description of her New Year’s eve escapades with a great guy she met. Visit her blog to read the details.
However, after it was all said and done, nothing every transpired beyond that night. She said it was a matter of demographics…..a difference of demographics that is.
That got me thinking. Is that really true? And is it true for guys the same as it is for women? Do we really care about demographics when it comes to dating?
It reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to date a cashier, who just so happens to be pretty attractive. What makes that episode so funny is that this female cashier comes to one of his shows and thinks he’s not funny at all. Jerry then visits her the next day at her job. Here’s how it goes down.
Cashier Girl: I can’t date you anymore.
Jerry: Why not?
Cashier Girl: I saw your show. You’re not funny. I can’t date someone I don’t respect.
Jerry: You’re a cashier!!!
So funny and so true. Generally guys don’t care what a women does for work, or how much money she has in the bank. If he’s attracted to her he’ll go for it. Of course going for it, is likely to mean, getting her in bed and nothing else, but that depends on the guy. He’s just as likely to bring home the girl who works at the comic store as the girl who works at the law firm.
Having said that, I do believe it’s much easier to date someone with a similar background including race, religion, class and education. But from my experience, those things matter much less than similar values, morals, humor and common sense. THE GUYS and I agree on this.
But where do the women stand on this? It seems that security is often cited as a predominant factor for finding Mr. Right. Which is what often leads to short, bald guys with large wallets, walking around with six foot models from Eastern Europe. But do our women readers really care about demographics or race when choosing a mate? Please do tell!!
And for the rest of the GUYS who I haven’t consulted, what’s your take on all of this?
As for me, I’m married to an RN, which of course is short for Registered Nurse. But as far as I’m concerned she could just as easily been an RC……
Rodeo Clown.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Just hold the damn door!
THE GUYS and I have noticed an alarming trend that seems to spreading across this great nation. This trend has little to do with politics or money. It has little to do with religion or any of the other hot button topic being fiercely debated by our government and by the people.
It has to do with common courtesy.
Chivalry isn’t dead. In fact it’s very much alive. Guys will generally go out of their way to hold a door or carry a bag for a woman. And certainly they’ll stop their car for a woman trying to cross the street. Although that’s likely due to the fact that they just want to WATCH the woman cross the street, but still they stop.
But when it comes to Guy on Guy, that’s a whole different ball game. (Sorry we couldn’t help ourselves.)
We’re not sure what this is all about really. We wonder if this trend is due to the general insecurity of many guys who think it might make them look gay or weak to extend courtesy to another guy? But it’s happening believe us.
You have to watch closely for this. It’s not overt. To use a football analogy since it’s the opening weekend of the playoffs, it’s like a slight push when a receiver goes up to catch the ball. It’s just enough to knock him off balance so he doesn’t make the catch, but not enough to really hurt him. And certainly not enough for the official to call a penalty.
So this is a call to take notice. You can find out a lot about a Guy by how he treats other Guys. How?
Because Guys travel in packs. The Old Boys Network, The Geek Squad, The Fraternity Brothers, The Poker Gang, The Tennis Club, etc. These groups often give us identities that we like to project to the rest of the wolves. They help define us and give us territorial jurisdiction. (You see we’re all really still in high school.) So if you can find a Guy who is willing to extend a hand to a lone wolf that may have stumbled into his territory, well then you’ve found your mate for life. He’s probably a good Guy through and through. One who’s confident and comfortable in his own skin.
But if he’s not willing to do that, the least he can do is hold the door while he kicks the guy into the street.
Now is that too much to ask?
THE GUYS
What have you noticed lately about courtesy that you’d like to share with THE GUYS?
And for questions of almost any nature, email us: advice@theguysperspective.com
It's all in the Name
I may have written about this before, but here goes again. The pressure is mounting. It’s 2010, the kids are one year older….can’t use that excuse anymore….and everyone but me wants a dog.
I tried selling them on fish or a hamster or maybe even a rat. I hear they’re in vogue these days. But they’ll have none of it. It’s a dog or nothing.
Actually I like dogs. I grew up with one. She was smart, cuddly, fun and I played with her a ton. But let’s face it, I didn’t really have to take care of her, and neither did my brother or sister. My mom pretty much did everything.
In my current situation, since I’m home more days than my wife, it will be me, picking up poop, walking the dog and tending to her needs. I can barely take care of myself and the kids…and sometimes my wife, how can I handle another mouth to feed and another butt to wipe!! Well hopefully I won’t have to wipe her butt, but you get my meaning.
The other thing is, these four legged beings are damn expensive! I know how pricey those vet bills can be. What am I going to say? “Sorry kids, we just can’t fix “Fido’s” leg. Too expensive. She’ll just have to limp the rest of her life.” I’ll be whipped and chained and hung up over the fireplace if I take that stance. So what’s a poor guy to do? Help!!!???
So, I guess this is it. Hmmm…..
But there is a solution to this whole dilemma. Here’s how it’s going to go.
Me (To my family): Just throw me a bone and maybe I’ll go along with it.
My wife: So what do you want?
Me: I want to name her.
The kids: NO!!!!!
Me: I name her, or no dog.
Everyone(After a LONG pause): Fine.
Me: So I’m going to name her “Peeve!” (Pause) That’s right you heard me, “Peeve!”
Everyone: What??!! What kind of a name is that? That’s lame!
Me: No it’s not. That way when my friends come over and they say, “What’s your dog’s name?” I can say, “This is my pet Peeve.”
Everyone: Ahhh!!!
And you know what, that just might be worth the extra mouth to feed.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Being Needy
Neediness is not the most attractive quality. Women especially, seem to run as far and as fast as they can when the smell it on a guy. And I certainly can’t blame them. Neediness smacks of desperation.
Of course this is harsh and not always true. Neediness comes and goes. And it changes through the course of any relationship. Every person has moments of neediness and that’s certainly normal. Like, “Please tell me you still love me even though you are texting your new personal trainer every night about your workouts!” And, “If you would you just tell me you still find me attractive occasionally, I’ll stop pestering you about how fat I look!”
But even then, when it seems perfectly reasonable, no one likes it. It’s like a fly that keeps bombarding you while you’re on a peaceful walk. It ruins everything.
So I’ve been feeling needy lately. Not for the reasons mentioned above. It’s because I’ve been sick for a while. First a fever, then this cough that keeps getting worse. Then that finally subsides and the fever comes back. Then I get a sinus infection, take some medicine for it and my stomach turns inside out. It’s been one thing after the next! I guess that’s how it goes.
I actually don’t get sick much, but when I do I’m a baby. I hate being sick. Even when my fever is only 99.5 I feel like total crap. My kids could have a 102 degree temp and they run around like it’s their birthday. Me, I just can’t function at all.
Anyway, I guess my wife senses my neediness and I can tell it annoys her. She does her best to be sympathetic but it’s clear my neediness is certainly NOT why she married me. Fine, I get it.
But my doctor’s office! That’s another story.
I called to make an appointment. They didn’t even call me back. I had to call back twice just to make an appointment. What,… are guys not allowed to be sick until they turn 55 or something? I mean c’mon. I know about racism and sexism, but until now I had never heard of Desperationism. I mean isn’t that against the law or something?
So I’ve learned a valuable lesson these last few weeks. The next time I’m feeling vulnerable, sensitive, sick or just queasy, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be the best way to get what you want.
Was it with the strong, silent type? They never go out of style.
DAMN THEM!!
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Short Staffed
I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.
I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.
Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.
She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”
I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)
She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”
I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)
She said, “Have a nice day.”
As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.
When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”
Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”
I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:
For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.
It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.
However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.
If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:
“I’m a bit short staffed.”
“ONE of THE GUYS”
What’s funny?
I’m learning more and more that people really do have very different views on what’s funny. That’s weird to me, since I’m pretty sure I know what is and isn’t funny. But maybe I don’t.
Take “30 Rock” that show with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. Now I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don’t get it. I was at a holiday party last night and this guy kept going on about Alec Baldwin this and Alec Baldwin that. Well you know what? Alec Baldwin is mildly amusing, but he’s not funny. He just isn’t.
I have tried to watch that show on several occasions mainly because I’m a Tina Fey fan. She was wicked funny on SNL, but not really on “30 Rock.” The writing is just ordinary, and these days with so many choices, ordinary just doesn’t cut it. Good stories draw you in. They help you forget your troubles and make you believe in their world. But with that show, I found myself writing my “To Do List” on the coffee table.
The other thing that got me thinking about what is and isn’t funny was a botched collaboration attempt with a friend, for our comic strip, “The Malaprops.”
I asked my friend to be a guest illustrator and I sent him a few scripts. Instead of just a simple no or yes, I got a dissertation on the “correct” way to write a comic along with revisions. You can imagine my response. No it wasn’t that bad. We’re buddies. But it made me realize that two people truly can have completely different view points on humor. I know this is no amazing revelation, but I just assumed humor was obvious. Apparently it’s not!
So what or whom do I think is funny?
Chelsea Handler on “Chelsea Lately.” Her monologues are just OK, but her biting wit on the round table is priceless. And of course there’s Chuey.
Seinfeld. The writing is masterful. And the cast. Perfect frankly.
C.S. Lewis. The Screwtape Letters. Wicked!
Dilbert. I’m amazed that the strip is funny day in and day out.
The Hangover. I laughed out loud……..Four times. That’s rare.
The Colbert Report. What’s so funny, is that I never quite know if he’s serious. He keeps me guessing.
Richard Pryor, before he lit himself on fire.
Kids. Not necessarily my kids, although I think they’re funny, but kids in general. Their enthusiasm just cracks me up!
Monty Python. At least I used to think it was hysterical. I watched the “Holy Grail” with my oldest a few months ago and I still thought it was good, but not as good as I remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was my 30th time watching it. Oh damn, that number keeps coming up.
So maybe funny can’t really by pinned down. It wouldn’t do well in the UFC Octagon because it can’t be forced into submission. It’s subtle and nuanced just as we are. And clearly our sense of it changes over time as we “evolve” and grow.
But damn, “30 Rock” just isn’t funny!
Please share what’s funny to you.
And will SOMEBODY PLEASE enlighten me on this “30 Rock” thing. I truly would like to follow the masses. I’m all about being a worker bee.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
The Evil Librarian
I took my five year old daughter to the library last Friday. In fact, every Friday morning we go together. It’s our morning to hang out, just the two of us. I love it. But I hate the library.
We live in a nice town with resources. The library is up to date and modern, but it just aint’ hip. In fact it couldn’t be more un-hip! Why?
The librarians are evil.
Where do they get these people? I mean, even the people at the DMV are friendlier.
Here’s my latest exchange with one of the Evil Librarians. Keep in mind that I start off being extra friendly. I’ve dealt with her before. Similar to the check out people at Kmart. I always feel like it’s my job to make THEM feel good.
My Encounter
I’m just standing there waiting for her. She’s on the computer and she puts up one finger for me to wait a minute. (Already I’m annoyed.)
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I looked up a book on the reference computer and it wasn’t coming up. I checked it out about six weeks ago so I think you have it here.
Librarian: Let’s take a look.
We walk over to reference computer.
Librarian: What’s the title?
Me: “Spaceship under the Apple Tree” (It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I want to read it to my kids.)
She types it in. Many books come up, but not that title. She tries again. Nothing.
Librarian: Obviously you’re way off on the title.
Now I’m really annoyed.
Me: Actually. No. That’s the title of the book and I’m pretty sure I checked it out six weeks ago from this branch.
Librarian: What’s the author’s name?
Me: Slobodkin. Louis Slobodkin.
She types it in. It comes up on screen. She’s annoyed that’s it right there. I’m annoyed that I didn’t just type in the author myself. Or just stayed home.
Librarian: Oh see, you spelled spaceship wrong. It’s really space ship.
There was a space between “space” and “ship.” It’s an old book, so maybe it was spelled that way when it was written. (I looked it up when I went home and it’s one word in Webster’s. But who cares!)
Me: That shouldn’t matter really.
Librarian: Well it does.
Me: Well Google wouldn’t have cared.(I know this is ridiculous, but I’m so pissed I didn’t know what to say)
Librarian:(Looking at computer screen) I don’t want to continue having this fight with you.
Luckily so far it’s all been quiet. My daughter is out of ear shot, but the librarian helper is nearby listening. But she stays out of it.
Me: Well you started it. (Now I sound like a complete idiot, but I’m in that pissed off state where I can’t think. (AKA: George Costanza)
Librarian turns and just stares at me with the most evil look ever. I’m sure many people have cowered under that icy glare. But not me. I finally get my wits about me.
Me: Well I don’t like being insulted.
At this point the librarian finally realizes she’s being a total bitch and that I’m actually a “paying” customer. I can see she’s struggling with what to do. I see her face change and she backs down.
Librarian: Well I didn’t mean it that way. I hope you know that.
Me: OK
But it’s not OK. WTF!!! She totally meant it that way. She’s done it to me before and to some of my friends in town. Half of the librarians there are like that.
The fact that I pay a lot of taxes is not the point really. What’s most relevant is how sad this is. What a waste! Not a waste of resources, but potential. The library could be such an inviting place, especially the kids section. A place where kids gather and build a community. A place where they can explore the magical world of stories and books. A place where they could learn how to use resources, so they can be resourceful. A place they could be excited to visit. It certainly was for me as a kid.
So I leave with my daughter’s hand in mine. I’m sickened and upset, but trying not to show it. Then my daughter looks at me and says, “Daddy, can we go to Dunkin’ Donuts?”
And at that point I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than share a doughnut with my daughter. And all is right again in the world. At least for that moment.
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Please share your library or librarian stories. Good or bad.
What Guys want for the Holidays!
I was over at Momversation earlier today and one of the Blog posts was about what to get your Guy for the holidays. I then saw a list of very cool gadgets and man toys that seemed like a lot of fun. But ladies seriously, that’s not what we want. So I felt it my duty to tell you what we really hope to get for the holidays.
But let’s first discuss why toys and gadgets aren’t a guy’s first choice. Two simple words will give you the answer to this question: Time and Money.
Money:
It’s difficult to buy us a great gift without us feeling like we’re paying for it ourselves. We feel this way even if we share all the monetary responsibilities with our partner. We still see the item on the next credit card bill, which causes us much stress. Knowing that our present comes from the same kitty that pays the mortgage, the household bills and the kids’ college fund takes most of the fun out of it for us. Money is tight these days, so we can do without that cool watch or new video game or engraved knife or slick pair of shoes.
Time:
Even if we love the gift, often we don’t have time to use it or play with it. We’re usually working. And if we’re not working we want to spend time with the kids and see you. So in theory a new toy is great, but in reality it will likely get a brief work out, only to sit idle for the next fifty one weeks of the year.
But THE GUYS and I do have a solution for all of this.
And this should be obvious, but sometimes it just isn’t.
We want YOU for the holidays!!!
Yes, that’s right. A special night or nights with you. Or even a special day. One we don’t have to BEG for.
No kids. No interruptions.
This doesn’t mean you have to fulfill our every fantasy. But if you’re giving that away too, we’ll take it.
So what can you actually wrap up?
I’ll leave that up to your festive imagination. THE GUYS and I know you are infinitely more creative than we are, so dream something up. Surprise us. We’re pretty easy!
So when you ask your man what he wants for the holidays he might tell you this item or that, but he’s really just thinking, YOU!
We discussed Magic in our previous post. Well this is certainly one way of keeping the Magic alive!
Guys and Gals: Do you have any great ideas to share? Please enlighten us and our readers.
PS. You can always check out our new Merchandise on our website. There might be an item your guy would enjoy seeing you in.
The stuff is great quality, so we’ve been told by people who’ve actually purchased them. Just an FYI!!
Et tu Tiger?
Guys just can’t get a break these days. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Bad parenting, infidelity, you name it. But the final knock out punch was when I heard that Tiger Woods had now joined the club of cheaters. Not Tiger! Please say it aint’ so!
This news rocked my world. Not that I follow celebrities and athletes and their various extra-curricular activities too much. But Tiger….Well, he’s Tiger. I’ve always rooted for him in all aspects of his life, on and off the course. He’s always been so unique, so talented, so cool.
But now what? The GUYS and I have been working hard to promote men as emotionally stable, self-aware beings. This news hardly helps our cause. I mean, Tiger??!!! I keep thinking it’s a bad joke, but apparently it’s far from that.
Tiger’s famous, with all the money in the world, a beautiful wife and two healthy children. And he’s the best golfer in the world, which is what he’s probably envied the most for. So how can he have any possible motivation to cheat? How does this even enter his psyche?
But let’s ask the bigger question, “Why do men cheat in general?”
Chris Rock famously said, “Men are only as faithful as their opportunities.” I get the joke, but I’m not so sure it really applies. Men cheat because they choose to cheat and because something is missing from their lives that they aren’t aware of. It’s not men who cheat, it’s individual men.
But it doesn’t hurt to at least look at the list that is most often cited for why guys cheat:
Guys crave variety.
Guys want more excitement, which includes chasing skirts.
Guys want to do things sexually that their wives don’t want to do.
Guys want to experience the “First” sensation again. First kiss. Love at first sight. First everything.
Guys get bored easily.
Sure those may all true, but mainly they’re just excuses. And I’ve talked to enough women to know that they want these things too.
The real reason is, these guys have never learned how to live in the real world. Instead, they live in a fantasy world of their own creation. And what a fun place to live.
Imagine a place where you can have love and security. You can have your ego stroked 24/7. You get unconditional love. Lots of money and toys. Sex anytime you want with anyone you choose. AND you have no responsibilities except making yourself happy. Wow, what a play land that is!!!!
However, therein lies the problem. These cheaters are not happy. They spend their lives searching, chasing, looking, only to find dead end after dead end. For them it’s all about the future, not THE NOW. But happiness comes from within. The rest is all about choice. What choices do I want to make? And how do my choices impact the people in my life?
Tiger is left to deal with the aftermath of his bad choices. I feel sorry for him, but I feel more sorry for his wife and kids. What a mess!!!! But this cheating thing isn’t a guy problem it’s a people problem. It’s individuals who haven’t evolved past an egocentric view of the world. And our society is feeding into that more and more. Everyone’s looking for instant gratification, instant success, instant fame. But it’s all just a facade. A cover up.
It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to feel down or depressed. I’m not talking clinically, I just mean we constantly try to cover up uncomfortable emotions with stimuli, instead of exploring where the emotions are coming from or just experiencing them. Every emotion is part of the human experience and that in itself is wonderful.
I’m still rooting for Tiger. I’m still rooting for him to wake up and take a hard look at himself. Maybe it’s too late to fix the mess, but it’s not too late to make changes going forward.
And as far as the rest of us GUYS, we all have to make individual choices and stop making excuses for ourselves and our buddies. So ladies, don’t give up on us.
Because what would you do without us?? (OK, you don’t have to answer that)
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Your Internal GPS
Ever wondered what drives you? What helps you make those difficult decisions? Or takes you to places that are full of wonderment and beauty? Or lands you at a party you shouldn’t be at or hanging with the wrong crowd?
It’s your internal GPS. That’s right, we all have one. But some people listen and others don’t.
Every GPS is different and decisions are unique to each individual. We know life is about exploring dead ends and learning from them, but it’s also, figuring out when to say no. Let’s go for a ride together through the stages of life.
This skit was written with two female characters, but it still comes from The Guy’s Perspective……..because we know GUYS!
Two teenage girls.
Friend: Hey, do you want to go to this party later?
You: Sure, who’s having it.
Friend: Oh, just a bunch of guys.
You: How do you know them?
Friend: Well, I just met them actually. Last night. They seem like a lot of fun.
You: Hmm, well, OK, that sounds fun.
GPS: Recalculating……recalculating……..do not leave house.
Your friend comes to pick you up. You get in car.
You: Are they cute?
Friend: Oh god yes.
GPS: Recalculating…..recalculating…….drive 10.5 miles to the movie theater or to the video store and go home.
You: Let’s do it.
GPS: Recalculating……drive 5 miles back to friend’s house.
You ignore!
Friend: We’re here.
You: Looks kind of crazy.
Friend: Yeah, but it will be fun.
GPS: Recalculating……recalculating……….please drive away. NOW!!!
You and friend knock on the door. Four guys answer drinking beers with loud music blaring. You look at each other.
GPS: (quietly) I told you……
You both look at each other and realize this might have been a mistake. Close call! You leave.
Fast forward ten years. You’re about to get married.
Friend: You must be so excited. You’re getting married in two weeks!
You: I guess so.
Friend: What’s wrong? You sound so…..
You: I’m starting to wonder if this was a big mistake.
GPS: Recalculating…….drive……anywhere
Friend: Oh it’s too late for second guesses.
You: Yeah I know.
Day of wedding.
GPS: Arriving at wrong destination on right.
You: I just can’t do it.
Friend: But all the presents. What will people think?
You: I don’t care.
GPS: Why didn’t you listen to me two years ago?
You: Oh shut up GPS before I reprogram you.
Five years later. You married the ONE in a quiet ceremony with just family. You are happy.
Husband: I thought you said you wanted kids?
You: I do, but I’m just not ready. We don’t have any money.
Husband: We’ll figure it out.
You: I’m just not ready.
GPS: Just drive. Stop worrying. I’ll get you there.
You: I just don’t know.
GPS: Recalculating. Just go for it.
You: What if we can’t take care of it.
GPS: You’ll figure it out. Drive. Undetermined miles. That’s weird. I don’t see a destination. I’ll have to get back to you.
THE GUYS would love to hear examples of when you listened, or didn’t listen to your own GPS. Thanks for sharing.
Curiously Keeping Current
It was about two years ago when I realized I had become obsolete.
One day, while my kids were talking and laughing with their friends, I listened and smiled in the background. I enjoyed their laughter and banter. But my smile soon faded when I realized I had no idea what they were talking about. I had no idea whom they were referencing and what they were alluding to. All the cool things I used to do and know were clearly no longer cool, replaced by all these new things. In that moment, I realized I had become a dinosaur and it frightened me. I didn’t like knowing I was headed down the path of the Dodo Bird or the great Woolly Mammoth.
I winced and weighed my options. I could either GET CURRENT or become extinct. I chose the former and got to work.
First I took stock of everything I had kept up on. Let’s see, I knew who was president. I knew about American Idol and all the reality TV shows. I managed to know what an MP3 file was somehow, and….um……that was basically it. So now I made a list of all the areas I needed to get up to speed in: music, technology, sports, art, the internet and current lingo. That was a good start. WOW, that was a ton of stuff to consume!
But the hard part was still in front of me. Where was I going to get the “right” info? The rest of THE GUYS were as clueless as me. I realized I had to find the source. And then it suddenly became clear to me. The source came in the form of young people! They were up on all the current trends. They were the demographic SETTING all the trends. So my education began.
Being a teacher helped me a ton in my quest to become current. I had access to all the young minds I could ever want. I just needed to keep my trap shut so I could learn from all of them. And that’s what I did. Sure I gave my lessons, but at the end of each session, I’d ask a few open ended questions to find out about them, and what they were up to. My questions ranged from the general, “What’s going on in your life?” to the specific, “What can you tell me about…so and so?”
I was amazed at how well my inquiries were received. The simple act of asking a question immediately opened up channels that seemed so impossibly closed. What I was doing unintentionally, was acknowledging their expertise and thus leveling the playing field. What was once a monologue became a dialogue, which was so much more interesting and educational for both of us!
The long and short of all this is, over the course of a year, I slowly caught up to the present and became “current” and had a ton of fun doing it.
So I fast forward to the present.
These days, I work hard to keep current and stay curious. I attempt to listen as much as I can and learn from the young people who surround me, including my own family. And I keep the lines of communication open. That’s my best ally to avoiding the path of extinction, and my best ally to having a solid relationship with the people I care for the most.
And you know what? My kids are now including me in their fun conversations. And even better, I understand what they’re saying!
“ONE of THE GUYS”
Have you kept current? Please share your discoveries!
A special bonus. Here are some cool things that some of my younger friends are up to. Be sure to check out their talent.
War Tapes (The best Doom Pop group on the planet)
Louise Rose Designs (Cool custom jewelry and accessories)
Astonishing Tales (Intelligent, introspective and catchy)
Project Erik (Slick animation on You Tube)
Kira Jeannee (Piano music that will move you)
Titanic Piano 14 (Funky, jazzy piano that rocks)
Rock of Main St. (The coolest venue for young bands)
72FA4UTSM74
Clothes don't make the Man
From, "ONE of THE GUYS"
When my wife asked me the other day, "Why are you wearing that ratty shirt again?" my response was,
"We can't afford for ALL of us to look good."
That seemed sufficient enough to keep her quiet, at least for a bit. I wasn't threatening, just being honest. And I think she understood the implication. If you and the kids want to keep getting new clothes whenever you need them, get off my back! The only thing "on my back" should be this ratty shirt.
So why do guys wear old raggedy clothes?
Sure, sometimes it's a matter of economics, but most of the time it's because we don't care. Dressing up for work is one thing, but putting a ton of effort into dressing for a weekend day is just beyond us. We would be happy wearing the same thing every day. And yes, that includes the WHOLE outfit. Outer wear and inner wear.
NO…….
We're not slobs.
We shower.(Semi-regularly)
We shave.(Five times a week. OK, maybe four.)
We brush our hair. (What we have left.)
But clothes, well it's just not that important anymore. Back in the day, my clothes made a statement about ME. This is who I am. This is my style. I'm unique and different. That was all well and good, but frankly it never really worked. Why? Because I am truly "ONE of THE GUYS." I realized that my identity was more about who I was, how I treated others, AND my interests, rather than my style of clothes.
So basically I have no style when it comes to clothes. I seek anonymity because I WANT to BLEND.
First impressions happen the moment someone glances at you. I am no exception to this rule. I see a GUY dressed in pink and I think one thing.(Reference to a previous article on "Guys and Pink" we did.) If I see a GUY dressed in a suit, I think something else. If it's a pink suit, that's a whole other story.
My point is that, I want my gestures and intentions and opinions to tell my story. And I hope that people will be able really see ME, and not my outfit. If I blend, the rest of the world is forced to investigate more thoroughly. And then they can decide whether or not they want to have a conversation with me.
But there is one thing that any woman reading this may not realize. We actually dress this way for you. Now you're thinking, that doesn't make sense? That is contradictory!! Well actually it's not. Think about this the next time you want to tell your guy to change his clothes…..
Who wouldn't shine next to a guy in a ratty shirt?!!
THE GUYS
PS. Where do you stand with clothes these days? How do you feel about a GUY in a ratty shirt? What sort of style do you prefer for yourself and/or your partner?
The Vicious Cycle
So we were over at Momversation. Yes, we admit it. We like to know what the Moms are up to. It keeps us current.
Anyway, they were talking about kids of Reality TV and how awful it is. And while we totally agree that the exploitation of kids for money is appalling, we also need to admit to some complicity.
In the old days "movie stars" were revered and looked up to. But it was simple and pretty straight-forward. Stars were on the big screen or the little screen and that is where they stayed. Today, we not only want them on the big and small screens, we want a piece of their lives too. And if we can't get theirs we want ours. Sure we've all dreamed of stardom at one point or another, but with reality TV and other outlets we all have a chance. Really??
We call it the Vicious Cycle. And it's out of control. Here's how it works.
1. People dream of fame. But they don't want to actually work at something to be good enough to get famous. So they think up ways of becoming famous. One way is to objectify themselves or act completely idiotic for laughs. Another way is to exploit their resources. Translation: Use their kids!
2. Enter reality shows. These shows look for people to open their lives for the rest of the world to see.
3. And boy do we watch!! The numbers get higher and higher each year. We are curious! This is an extreme form of rubber necking from the comfort of our own homes. Pretty cool!
4. Soon other networks get in the act and they produce shows that just TALK about the reality stars.
That's an interesting concept. Shows about other TV shows! Weird.
5. And we watch those too!
6. Now the magazines get in the act too. The paparazzi get paid big bucks to follow these reality TV stars around. Now everyone's making money hand over fist. Sweet!
7. And we buy those too! They're so fun to read. We call them our vacation treats. Along with a candy bar and a few other goodies, we gobble these up to enjoy on the road. OK, we'll admit, they're pretty good while doing our morning "duty."
8. So now everyone's making money and the reality kids start to feel entitled. They start behaving worse than they already did before they got on the show. And they're being encouraged by their parents. Nice!!
9. So now more networks, get in the act and more and more people are being recruited to do more extreme shows and more invasive shows.
10. Finally these kids grow up and continue to live their dream. They get their own reality shows and the vicious cycle begins again.
That is if they don't end up in jail, rehab or worse….dead!
WOW! we feel like we're missing something here??!!
THE GUYS
ps. Are you part of the vicious cycle? How do we change this? Or do we care?
In vs. Out
"In" and "out" need each other to exist. That is a truism that will never be OUT!
In jazz music, when a player takes it "out" that player does away with the chord structure and plays free from constraint. If done right it's considered very hip. But "out" is only hip if "in" has been stated clearly.
Hmmm….let's sum this up and even take it one step further. So without a contrasting "in" there would be no "out." In essence "out" would actually become "in."
OK, are you confused? We are!
Opposites need one another. Light is characterized as light because heavy exists. Down by Up. Large by Small. The same theory could also apply to politics. Without Democrats would the Republican party exist and vice versa?
The thing that's the most confusing is that the "In Crowd" changes more rapidly these days than our kids' birthday lists. Just a year ago, the "In Crowd" in Washington changed hands. This reversal set off a huge restructuring and repositioning within that community, but it also forced ordinary folks like us…. AND YOU…. to choose sides. And boy have we! The country is more polarized than we've ever seen it. Tolerance is clearly OUT, replaced by the new IN: smugness, arrogance and entitlement. It's scary!
But the problem with this paradigm, is that nothing ever gets done. WHY? Because "in and out" are constantly vying for power and constantly changing. As soon as one becomes "in" the "out" does everything it can to undermine the "in." Then things reverse and it happens again. An endless cycle that will be reborn again and again like the Hindu world of reincarnation. Enlightenment is only attained by breaking the cycle. Change is only made if we come together on SOMETHING!!!
So what can we agree on?
Hmm….Not health care. Hmmm……Not global warming. Hmm….not the death penalty. Hmm…not the war, or illegal immigrants, or food sources, or green living….or……anything????
And sure, disagreement and constructive discussions are all good. This country was formed on sweat and debate. Blah, blah…..to use our teenage neighbor's lingo…….Yeah, whatever dude!
So things kind of suck right now. Yeah, we said it. We're not sure what to make of it all. We don't even know where we stand because for ANY topic that comes to mind we can find enough information supporting both sides to fill our entire computer's hard drive! As we said earlier this week, our brains are frying with overload.
So we guess what it comes down to is, we all need to make decisions for ourselves. How do we do that?
Here are a few first steps we're taking:
Don't believe everything you hear on TV or read in the newspapers or magazines? Figure out what agenda is going on? Is there a hidden message? Who's actually delivering the message?
Same with information on the internet. Is someone making money off you thinking a certain way? What do they have to gain off you agreeing with them? Or disagreeing with them?
In some ways actually having an opinion solely your own is close to impossible. We are all influenced by the world around us. Our family, friends and co-workers. The ads on TV, billboards, radio, internet. The bumper stickers on cars. The paper. Magazines. You name it, it's in our face all of the time.
So while you're out and about, be careful what you take in. Corruption is on every street corner, ball field, bus stop and shopping mall.
If your brain hasn't completely short circuited yet, repeat this mantra: Our minds are our own.
Let's start acting like it!!!
Quiz:
Is it better being "in" on the way "out?" Or being "out" on the way "in?"
Hope you leave a comment OR answer!! We would love a huge outpouring of input.
Thanks,
THE GUYS
Why we need Facebook
Our lives are slowly spiraling out of control. We have somehow entered a new realm, an alternate world if you will. How we ended up down the rabbit hole is a mystery to us. But we'd like to wake up from our dream soon.
Here's how are lives are actually playing out. Somehow it seems oddly familiar but we can't quite put our fingers on it. Experience the slow burn of our brains as we try to keep track of more and more people, places, things and events!
Our world in Five Chapters and how we try to cope!
Chapter 1. Remembering all of our friends!? Including spouses AND kids!
As we're walking to our kid's back to school night, we realize we forgot to review the class lists, especially names of parents. Of course the first person we see is someone we know we're supposed to know. We elbow our wives: "Honey, what's her name again?" "How do we know her?" "What are the names of her kids?" "Do our kids play together?" It's impossible to keep track of everyone. We hardly even remember our own kids' birthdays.
(What's that burning smell? That's our brains beginning to smoke!)
2. Quick status updates.
That very same night in school. "Who were we just talking to?" "Was that the woman that just got divorced?" "What was her creepy husband's name? The one that cheated on her with the Reading Specialist?" "What's the name of the new Reading Specialist?"
(Our head is now fully engulfed in smoke with trickles of fire coming out of our ears!)
3.Event reminders.
Every morning we wake to the sounds of: "Don't forget to call your mother back." "The kids need a lunch." "Tonight is PTO meeting." "So and so called you." "Let's compare calendars before you make plans." "Remember the kids have games every night this week." "Where is your gig tonight?"
(Our brain is beginning to melt. Our frontal cortex is starting to sag!)
4. Old Flames and friends.
Some of THE GUYS live in the same home town they grew up in. This is never good if you're trying to avoid the past. The local coffee shop, movie theater or ball field are dangerous venues to have to relive those old high school days. You know, the ones you've worked many years at forgetting. Just the other day we ran into an old crush, reminding us about unrequited love. Please get away from us you vampire! And now we have to actually remember her kids too. Crap.
(Can you say, Total Meltdown. Our brain now resembles a charred steak, cooked long and hard to avoid any unwanted disease.)
5. New Friends.
Now we have all these new friends. Mostly inherited due to common social obligations and kids. Some have actually become true friends, but most will slowly pass through our lives in a few months or few years. New friends come with new responsibilities. New things to save in the data files. Keeping on top of this vast number of people has put us over the top!
(You see those flakes floating in the air? Those are the final ashes of our completely seared brains!)
But we're all good. Because we can easily replace our brain with a good old fashioned computer. And we'll transfer all our saved files, including new friends, event reminders, status updates, etc. onto one site so that we can keep it all straight.
Wait a second??!!! Isn't that called Facebook?
It is difficult to think without a brain. But how could we forget?
And one more good thing about being controlled by a computer chip, is that we can finally sit back and let something else do all our thinking for us!
Ahhhhh………
THE "MACHINES" GUYS
Ode to Summer
Happy Friday from THE GUYS. We've already taken up residence in the woods. So we're sending this post from a cozy chair next to a crackling fire. Yes, we managed to get it started. Lighter fluid always seems to do the trick.
Over the next two days we'll be posting responses from Kate, Carmen and Monica. You might be surprised at what they said about our answers. And we'll give you our camping update as well.
Enjoy!
ODE TO SUMMER
Summer holds a sacred place in the hearts of men. Why? Because of the possibilities it brings. Somehow
all the things we wished we could be, seem attainable.The world seems more in tune with us and we embrace that with
everything we have. We play as if life were not as complicated as it is. It
brings us back to childhood, when summer was an endless adventure of whatever
we could think of to do. No matter how many years we wear on our bodies, summer
will always make us feel young again. And summer also makes us happier. Partly
because the women of the world leave the confines of their long coats, hats and
jeans and join the summer fun. Somehow we think they’re more open to dating us
just because they’re sitting on the beach or sipping a drink at a bar. It
doesn’t really matter that nothing has changed in reality. But we don’t care.
Our perception of what we can achieve has, and we love summer for that.
So if you’re single, don’t smirk at the annoying guy who
keeps pestering you at the beach. He’s just having a good time. Be patient. He’ll go away eventually. And if you’re in a relationship, sit back and enjoy
your man. His enthusiasm is likely to rub off on you.
A toast to the summer!
THE GUYS
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