The Guy&#8217;s Perspective

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

My fiance does what he wants and then says it’s my problem

Hey Guys,

I really need to get advice from a guy. I’ve already talked to so many women and we see my situation the same, because I am being told by my fiance of two years that “I just don’t get it.” So I thought I’d ask for a guy’s perspective.

So when we began dating he had a friend that is a girl, that once was a “friend with benefits.” But once he was serious with me he said they were just friends. They continued to talk (Long distance) on the phone and she would call him for anything and everything she needed. After some time of this, I put my foot down. Let me rewind a little first though. Before I did that I would listen to their conversations because they were always at any inconvenient time like during our dinner, or when, or wherever. He would always drop everything to tend to whatever she needed to talk about. So, I put my foot down and basically said her or me. He chose me and did truly cut things off with her. They haven’t talked for a year and a half. He didn’t see anything wrong with carrying on the way he did with her. AM I wrong and not wanting to have my boyfriend, now fiance, talking in a teasing playful way to another woman?

The other part to my relationship is that he is divorced, but only had been married for 5 years and has been divorced for longer than that. He got very hurt by his ex because she cheated on him. I think a lot. He has told me that NO WOMAN will ever tell him what to do. I don’t tell him what to do, but I think he wants me to see him as a guy that is going to do whatever he wants and he does do that regardless of how I feel. I think it’s his way of showing me that the world does want him, almost like he’s trying to prove something not to me, but to his ex, but it is taken out on me.

He is the most social 37 year old I know. When I go do things it’s like he doesn’t like me to go out. I see this as a double standard. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m the top of his totum pole……BUT at times when it’s gotten tough between us, he is SO scared to lose me. I don’t get it. I think he’s just trying to control me in a way he couldn’t do with his ex by telling me over and over that he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants and I need to be submissive.

I’m just hoping for a guy’s point of view because he is telling me that I am the one with the problem. NOT him.

Thank you!

Tamie

Dear Tamie,

Thanks for your question.

We’re with you on a lot of this. While we encourage people to have friendships with the opposite sex—nothing like getting a completely different perspective on the world—these friendships should not undermine, impinge, or derail a committed romantic relationship. Your fiance’s relationship with his “ex-FWB” definitely crossed the boundary of what we see as appropriate. Maybe he wasn’t cheating on you, but he certainly was having an intimate emotional relationship with her. And she in particular was leaning on him to provide the kind of support a boyfriend or husband might provide. And he happily provided it. So you were right to step in and put your foot down. What bothers us is that he didn’t see it first.

Yes, his past is certainly impacting your relationship. But we can understand how he feels. He probably catered to his ex-wife’s every whim only to find out she was cheating on him. Talk about being blindsided and hit below the belt. He probably made a pact with himself that that would never happen again. The problem is, he’s put a wall up, and that’s fine when you’re dating casually, but not when you’re involved in an intimate relationship that requires trust and open communication.

What he needs to understand from you is that you’re not his ex. And that while you may want to be at the top of the “totem pole”—and we agree you should be–you’re not asking him to give up his life for you. You’re just asking him to keep you in his mind when he navigates the world. Meaning, he should think about you when he makes decisions. Am I being true to her? How would she feel about what I’m doing? Because that’s what people do when they’re in love and committed to another person. They don’t put themselves in positions that might jeopardize their relationship and hurt the other person. What could fall into this category? Drinks with a hot co-worker instead of coming home to have dinner. Putting guys’ night out ahead of your date night. Visiting the coffee shop that’s completely out of the way just to see and talk with the cute barista. None of these things are that bad really—well, maybe they are— but they derive from a selfish place, a me-centered place. You’ve seen those bumper stickers that say, “What would (blank) d0?” Well in this case both of you should always be asking, “How would (blank) feel about this?”

We think you need to start talking about all of this with him. First he needs lots of reassurance. That you love him. That you’ll be true to him. That you want him to be happy. That you think he’s a stud. (We just threw that in for good measure. All guys like to know they’re hot too.) But then he needs to really understand how you feel about his behavior and what YOU NEED from this relationship. He isn’t getting it. And when a guys says, “It’s your problem” you’ve got yourself a problem. Successful relationships involve two people, which means, he should care very much that you’re unhappy and try everything he can to figure out a solution with you. Because we don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In fact, you sound quite level-headed to us about the whole situation.

Last thing: This needs to be resolved BEFORE you get married. Otherwise you both could be headed for a difficult road.

We hope this helps you—AND your female friends. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And leave us a follow up comment. We’d love to hear your thoughts.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?

Check out our video on Dating Older Men.

Dear Guys,

About two months ago I met someone online on a Sugar Daddy Website. It was the first time either of us has ever met up with anyone from the website. Let’s call him Jack. Jack is 39 and very wealthy. His work causes him to travel a lot. He broke off his engagement of about a year back in November. I am 19 and currently a student.

Jack and I have only met up twice so far. Both times we went out to a very nice dinner and afterward we had sex. Jack is a gentlemen in all areas; during intercourse he always pleases me first and if a position hurts he will change it to what he can tell I am comfortable with. Though we met on a sugar daddy website, Jack and I have never made arrangements for pay or anything to make it seem like that type of arrangement. I guess it feels more like casual dating. I once asked Jack what we were doing and he replied “Getting to know each other right now and seeing if we are compatible.”

He texts me everyday since the first time we have talked. Sometimes he will answer right away, but a majority of the time he takes anywhere from an hour to three hours to reply to me. I know he is busy being away for work, but does this mean anything?

I have come to develop feelings for Jack, but I am not quite sure what he is looking for and I find it awkward to ask because of how we met, and also the age difference. I was wondering if you could help me and give me some advice as to what he may want or be thinking? How should I act towards the situation? Also with the communication when we aren’t together with him taking hours to answer me. Should I not answer him right away? Do you think anything serious could ever come out of this? What is your opinion about the situation; any advice you could give me would be great.

Kay

Dear Kay,

Thanks for your question.

Taking in consideration the way you met, it’s hard to say how this will unfold. But typically, the nature of a “sugar daddy relationship” is casual, similar to what you describe. Dating and sex. We’re not sure what motivated you to join the dating site, but from a guy’s perspective, he’s probably looking for exactly what he’s getting. Someone much younger he can take out on the town and enjoy in the bedroom when he’s not busy with work—which by the way is probably his first priority. However, having said that, it is possible that some of the men on the site are looking for a younger woman to marry, but not likely.

So we have two questions for you.

If work is his first priority is he still someone you’d like to have a more serious and committed relationship with?

And what initially motivated you to join the Sugar Daddy Website?

The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it at some point. Let him know how you’re feeling and see where his head’s at. It might be a little too soon for that, but you’re certainly not going to get any answers by keeping your feelings to yourself. And our rule is, if you’re already being physical then the relationship has progressed enough to talk about the future. As far as his response time. No worries. As long as he’s getting back to you in a few hours that’s fine. No need to change your behavior and respond slower, but certainly you can if you want to mirror him.

One thing you can do in the meantime. See if he still has a profile up on the Sugar Daddy site. Not, by snooping, but by using your profile and checking out the site. (We don’t encourage you to go through his phone or computer. That’s not a great way to solidify a partnership of any kind, even though it’s tempting.) That would tell you if he’s at all serious about you, or if he’s still trolling for more women.

Finally, we’d still like to encourage you to date men of all ages—preferably someone a little closer to your age—especially since you’ve expressed interest in having a committed relationship.

We hope this helps a little. Please leave us a comment. We’d like to hear more of your thoughts.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Death of a parent; tough time in life

Dear Guys,

I am a divorced mom with two boys, 8 and 5. Just a few months after my divorce I met a younger man (yes, 10 years younger) and we very quickly became a couple. Within weeks he was “in love” with me and spending time with my boys; and within two months living with us and my mother.

Two and a half years later we are still together. We have had our ups and downs; he doesn’t have children and that alone is daunting. I am OCD and he is flighty, I have to have a game plan, but like to break my own rules; he asks what rules? I am a cheerleader; he hates life but does nothing to change it. We are ying and yang, yet we just seem to click in every aspect of our relationship.

Last year he bought a house for us and we began a new life in a new home, the four of us, a “family” (without the marriage).

For many years my mom had been sick (alcoholism) but nobody saw what my boyfriend and I did, nobody realized just how bad it was. Before, during, and after my divorce she was very much a part of my everyday life. She and my boys were so close; she helped me as a partner would; she was my full time babysitter, my grocer, my helper, my everything, and then she died in October.

My boyfriend was there for me through it all; he was a part of each tear, each goodbye. He loved my mom and they got along so well. It has been terrible these last few months, but I know it was better because he was there, because he is my best friend.

So what is the problem? Ying and yang are growing apart. I feel like I’m a martyr now, especially without my mom’s help. I take care of the kids; he sleeps in until minutes before leaving for work. I go to work only to come home and clean the house, do laundry and make sure everything is in order for the next day. He and the kids are on Playstation 3 most nights, caring less about the mopping or mirrors. I barely sleep anymore and when I do my mom haunts my dreams. I am overwhelmed with work, kids, him, life…and he started drinking again, drinking a lot, and I really hate that, especially after watching mom.

I am still grieving, my kids are grieving and it doesn’t seem like he notices, it seems he has finished grieving. Lately I feel invisible to him; my feelings seem to go unnoticed. I tried talking about it, even begging him to listen because that is what friends do. But he stopped listening to me; sometimes he says I’m playing a guilt card. When I said I didn’t want to have to find a new best friend he cried. But two days later, he is oblivious again. He is miserable at his job, never asking about me, barely noticing me leaving for work and then having friends over while I work doubles. I’m just whooped and I don’t think he cares anymore.

I am not happy. But I don’t know if it’s really all him, or actually because of all of the things that have happened. Regardless, if this relationship is doomed, I don’t have the means to go out on my own yet, and wouldn’t even know where to begin. My boys would be heartbroken; they have been through so much already. But I feel like there is something wrong in this relationship. It is either something selfish on his part, or needy and controlling on mine.

No, I haven’t done much grief counseling for myself, it would be one less hour that I could try and catch some sleep. No, I don’t go to church; I don’t have any other family around and not many girlfriends. There truly isn’t time for much of anything anymore and I feel like it’s just me hanging on by my fingernails on a cliff. I don’t feel like we are partners anymore, and now I wonder if we ever were. Maybe I didn’t notice because my mom filled the part?

Does this seem like behavior as “usual” after losing a parent, or am I in for a real shock to find out this is how hard life really is? That sometimes you can’t cheer your way out of a tough time and just have to take it as it comes, like it or not? Am I asking too much of him or is he really self absorbed and too young? I’m so worried about everything, too worried I think.

Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

Thanks for your question.

Please accept our condolences. It’s very hard to lose someone you love. And losing a parent is like losing your anchor. In some ways it’s the beginning of your life as an adult.

Everyone grieves in their own way. And your boyfriend and you are both very different people. While you feel the pain every moment of your day, he has turned to drink and other distractions to ease his pain. (Not just the pain he feels about your mother, but also the pain he feels seeing you so heartbroken.) Your guy feels powerless because he doesn’t know how to make it all better. Guys react two ways to this type of situation. They either throw themselves into the fray and try to fix the problem or they withdraw. Your guy is doing the latter.

This is also playing out in the division of chores. Even in your grief you know you have responsibilities and you take those seriously. You know that if you don’t do them no one will. And we agree that however your guy was contributing before your mother’s death should be the way he’s contributing now, or even more since she did so much for your family. But don’t undervalue what he’s currently contributing. This may sound silly, but making your sons’ lives happier by playing games with them is actually quite important at this juncture in their lives. Yes, we understand you feel resentful because you’re slaving around the house trying to make sure everything is running smoothly, but if you think about this from a mother’s perspective you’ll realize that he is contributing in his own way.

The drink is another matter entirely. This is above our “pay grade” but it’s likely he needs some professional help. In fact both of you could probably benefit from some sort of grief counseling. You say you don’t have the time but this could be a situation where you need to find the time somehow, some way. In fact the two of you probably should be seeing a couple’s counselor to help you work through this difficult time and move your relationship to a more solid place.

Is he too young to handle all of this? It’s possible. And it’s possible that your mother’s death and the void she left has made him realize that he’s not ready for all of this. Maybe he’s not ready to have an instant family, and maybe he wants to start life with a woman who is more his age with a similar set of experiences? We can’t say really, only he can. But these questions should be part of a larger conversation about your relationship: the now, and where it’s headed in the future.

Because of the huge role your mother played in the everyday functioning of your household you’re being hit extra hard by her passing. Not only did you lose a close friend, but you lost a partner, a teammate, and a fellow cheerleader. We do think you’ll figure out how to make it work day-to-day, but at least until you find another partner willing to share these responsibilities with you, things will be hard. And you certainly deserve to have someone who is going to be willing and able to step up to the plate. We are hoping your guy will be the one to do this.

Please feel free to ask any follow up questions. And take care. We hope you can work this all out.

THE GUYS

He’s not involved with the baby; is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage:

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

My husband is hanging out with Swingers

Dear Guys,

I am married and I take issue with my husband going over to do business on Fri and Sat nights with two couples that swing. He thinks I should trust him and is angry that I am uncomfortable with this schedule. I must note that he showed me a business contract but it wasn’t signed and they have been having meetings for months.

Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your question.

Honesty, we’d probably feel the same way as you do. Maybe he wants you to trust him unconditionally, but sometimes there’s reason to question. If it smells fishy, it probably is. We think you should ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed? Would he trust you in this type of situation?

See the thing is, trust is key to a successful relationships, but so is respect. And doing “business” with these people on a Friday and Saturday night is not showing respect. And the fact that he doesn’t care if you’re upset is a big red flag, probably as big as his unusual “business activities.”

Everything about this feels odd. You need to get more information from him besides this unsigned contract. What kind of business is he actually doing? Why on these nights? What’s really going on? And then after you get all of this information, listen, and trust to your gut. Because to us, the whole thing smells of disrespect.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Other questions about cheating:

Cheating when drinking; can he change?

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Not sure about my long distance crush; do guys like tall, educated girls?

Dear Guys,

Recently, I was visiting one of my friends a few states away for a couple weeks and while I was there I was introduced to a guy, “Charlie,” who is good friends with the family I was visiting (I’m 18, he’s 22). We didn’t really hit it off at first and would argue and bicker. I heard him say that he never wanted to get married, have kids, or even be in a relationship. But after getting to know each other a little better, we started getting along, and even flirting. In talking with him he told me about his parents’ divorce, his rocky relationship with his mom, etc. I felt like we had a really good connection and so did my friend’s mom. (She said he hardly ever opens up to anybody).

So I have a major crush on this guy because I really felt like I could be myself with him and, to be honest, was flattered that he opened up to me. (Plus he’s very good looking). Although he never told me himself, but a few of our mutual friends said that he really liked me. And I thought this might have been true because of a few things he said. For example: I was trying on a ring that was too small (stupid idea!) and it got stuck on my ring finger. So I kept getting asked if I was engaged, etc. Someone asked me if I was married—in front of Charlie—and he put his arm around me and said that we were. (Jokingly, of course). He would also sit really close to me whenever we were watching movies, etc. And he got his phone fixed (which it hadn’t been for months) the week I left (coincidence? I don’t know….). And was a little upset when he found out I don’t have a cell.

But we aren’t keeping in touch now that I’m back home. I didn’t really expect that we would considering he’s not a chatty keep in touch kind of person. Anyways, I have a few questions for you regarding this and guys in general.

Question 1: I am seeing him again in a few months when I go back down to visit my friend. I would really like to continue at least a friendship at this point. How hard is it for a guy with this kind of background (divorce, no relationship with his mom) to be in a relationship with a girl? Is there anything I should avoid saying?

Question 2: Do guys like girls who are tall (I’m 5′ 11″)?

Question 3: Do guys like girls who are educated? I’m almost done with college and sometimes I feel like it might be a little intimidating.

I think that’s it for now… Hopefully this isn’t too confusing. I LOVE your advice! It’s always so spot on. Thank you in advance (=

Lanna

Dear Lanna,

Thanks for your question. Here are our answers to your particular questions.

Question 1: You should be yourself. That’s always the most attractive quality in any person. And you seem like a pretty intuitive person, so if you bring up something that changes the tone of the conversation or makes him feel uncomfortable just casually change the subject. Just because he comes from a family of divorce doesn’t mean he’s incapable of having a happy marriage. Sure it’s going to color his view on marriage and make him a bit skeptical or wary, but if he’s smart, he’ll realize he’s in charge of his own destiny. The same holds true for his relationship with his mother. We don’t know why he doesn’t communicate with her, but it’s likely he blames her for the divorce. Once again, that doesn’t mean he will blame you for any problems you might have if you do begin a relationship. People are absolutely shaped by their environment, but they are still individuals. And it’s what people choose to do with their experiences that really tells you what kind of person they are. Some people make excuses their whole lives for why they aren’t able to do this or that, and others face their demons/challenges/whatever and try to overcome them. (We realize there are many degrees to this, but we’re just saying.)

Question 2: It’s not about height. Sure, some tall women might be intimidating to some guys, but for the confident guy it’s no big deal. And frankly, some guys LOVE taller women. For most guys it’s a matter of proportions. Is everything kind of in the “right” place? (This varies with each person of course.) And we use quotes for “right” because every shape and size is beautiful to some guy.

Question 3: If he’s intimidated by your education then he’s not right for you. (We’re assuming he isn’t college educated.) Once again, be yourself. Whoever you’re in a relationship with should love the fact that you’re smart and educated, as long as you don’t lord it over them, which we know you won’t. But don’t dumb yourself down to make some insecure guy feel better. That’s not the way to go, and if you do that, eventually you’ll be resentful. And you also don’t want some guy holding you back with your career. (If that’s what you want.)

To sum up: You want a guy who is supportive, accepting, loving, kind, honest, and solid. And if he’s good looking too, that’s icing on the cake!

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated

He’s not involved with the baby; Is my marriage over?

Dear Guys,

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

What can you do?

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage:

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Finding a date for prom

Other questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)

A confused girl; the prom

The prom

Also Read:

Do looks matter? and High school dating: Am I hot or not?

_____________________________________

Dear Guys,

I’m a senior in high school and prom is two months away.

I switched schools my junior year and I’ve had trouble making friends—from being shy—so I’m not really close friends with anyone at my new school, especially with guys. Also, I’ve never been asked to anything before, so I’m a little worried that I won’t get asked for prom.

So I guess my question is this: Should I dwell on having a date, if I don’t get asked? Should I even go at all?

Thank you for reading,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Thanks for your question.

There’s a lot of hype and fantasy around high school prom. Boys are often told by their older brothers, or older guys “that know,” that it’s a night where girls will be more open to giving up the “goods” so to speak. Just the thought of that possibility is enough to make them woozy with excitement. For girls, prom is sometimes thought of as a trial run to that magical wedding they hope to have someday. But the reality is, the actual night certainly can be fun, but it rarely lives up to expectations.

But still, we encourage you to go if at all possible, because for every person the experience is different. Some people actually do have a great time, and it is a unique part of the high school experience that only happens at this time in your life. But we’d recommend going with another person. (Going by yourself won’t be much fun, unless you go with a group of other singles. But that might be difficult since you don’t know many people at the school.)

But there are other options besides having a guy ask you out and going by yourself. The key is to not dwell on the date aspect of this. Who constitutes your “date” can be very loosely defined.

The person could be:

1. An official date where a boy asks you to go.

2. A guy friend whom you feel comfortable going with as just friends.

3. A girl friend whom you feel comfortable going as friends so you can check out the scene.

If there’s no one at your new school to go with, have you thought about asking someone from your old school? It might seem far-fetched but it’s not. A few of us (GUYS) went to proms at other schools, even in other states. (And of course a few of us didn’t even go to prom.) There’s also the option of going to the prom at your old school. Did you have someone special there? Even just a good friend to go with? Something to think about.

Morgan, give it another few weeks; if it looks like you’re not going to get asked—and don’t feel badly about this because high school boys won’t ask a girl unless they’re sure the girl will say yes; and since you’re new, and no one really knows you that well, you are a mystery, and thus not a sure thing—you need to get proactive and see if you can find a date to go with. We know this isn’t ideal, but it’s worth making the effort.

However, Morgan, if nothing works out, treat yourself to something fun that night, and try not to worry about it. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just circumstance.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Cheating when drinking; can he change?

Hi Guys,

My partner of four years recently left me; he ran away without leaving a note or anything. He had been drinking heavily for the duration of our relationship and during September last year he borrowed £10,000 from his Mum to open his own hair salon. When I finally found him a week later, he was living in London with an ex-girlfriend.

It turned out that he had spent all of the money that hadn’t gone on equipment for the salon on drink (approx £4,000) and that was the reason he had run away because he didn’t have the money to cover building work and rent to open the salon, and he was scared to tell his Mum and Stepdad that he had blown all of their money.

He admitted that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober and start his life over with me. He came back to Manchester but went to live with his Mum as I didn’t feel able to accept him back into my home at that point.

Since then we have been seeing each other once or twice a week and things are looking good for us. He has been sober for over three weeks now and has been attending AA meetings. (I know it hasn’t been long but it’s promising.)

However, when he was in London he told me that he only stayed with his ex for one night and then moved to a hostel. This weekend I found out that was a lie. He had spent the ten days he was there staying with her, sleeping in her bed; they had sex twice. (Not very successfully apparently because he was so drunk.)

I have also found out that he cheated on me with this ex during the first 6-10 months of our relationship and has had one-off sex with another woman in July last year. He blames the drinking and has said that if he had been sober he never would have cheated on me. He wants to start again but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

Do you think that being an alcoholic can effect his judgement that much that he would cheat? He says that to ease the guilt of cheating he just drank more and so the vicious circle continued.

Should I give him another chance?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for your question.

It’s absolutely possible for people to change the course of their lives. Certainly confessing to his indiscretions, admitting his faults, and attending AA meetings is a great start. But like you said, three weeks is a very short time and alcoholism is a lifetime battle.

People do become sober, but every single day of their lives they have to choose sobriety. We’ve been told it gets “easier” as time goes by, but we’ve also been told it never actually gets easy.

The even potentially bigger issue is WHY he began to drink in the first place. Those are issues he’s going to have to work through with help from professionals. (Counselors, etc.) AA is a good place to help him get the services he might need. And certainly support from friends and family will help him be strong enough to face his demons.

You obviously care about this man a lot. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be considering taking him back. But it’s really a matter of whether you can forgive him and trust him again. What do you think? Can you?

We think you’re rushing that decision a bit. Why don’t you wait and see how you feel in a few months, or even longer? Because as he stays sober and starts to work through his issues, you may start to feel differently, one way or another.

We imagine it’s hard to believe he’ll change. He cheated on you many times, lied to you, and has basically been an untrustworthy person and partner. Drinking can certainly impair a person’s judgement and make him do things he might not normally do, but not everyone who drinks chooses to cheat on their partner. They might display other destructive behaviors that they are prone to but not cheat. So the question is whether or not he’ll cheat on you when he’s sober. And we think it’s too early to tell. (We also don’t know him, so you’re going to have to be the one to make that call.)

Jane, much of this is up to you. Are you strong enough to forgive and start over with this guy? Give it some time and see how you feel. Because it sounds like you’d really like it to work out if possible. Be supportive of his journey, but we’d stay away from an actual “relationship” with him for a while. Be only a PLATONIC friend. And keep tabs on how you’re feeling. What’s your gut telling you to do? And what do your friends think? See if they think he’s actually changing, or if he’s just putting on an act.

The last thing we’ll say is don’t wait forever. Sometimes people don’t win the battle of alcoholism. As sad as that may be, you have a life to live as well. And you ultimately need to look after yourself.

Take care and good luck. Please keep us posted—leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section; we’ll respond to you here.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

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Videos about online dating:

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.” He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Teacher/Student Dating: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

Check out some of our videos:

Will guys date single moms?

And more……..

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Hi Guys!

I’ve been wondering for a long time why this guy never asked me out.

Here’s the story: I’m an English teacher in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I used to deliver “in company classes.” Of course many of my students were men. At that time I was 26 and this guy in question was 32. He was my student for about 7 months and during all that time he kept flirting with me—or at least that’s what I thought.

Many a time I would just ignore him to see what his reaction was, and he really got angry, embarrassed. I don’t know…the thing is I think he was pissed off because of my indifference! Whenever I asked him to do an activity (speaking) he would go red and sweat like a pig! So, I gathered that he felt something for me. He repeatedly told me he was single and had no kids and that he was looking for a girlfriend.

I googled him and found that he had several accounts on different dating sites. His profile was always the same: LOOKING FOR a SERIOUS relationship with a WOMAN- NO KIDS.

SOOO!! I said to myself, “He’s gonna ask me out when the course is finished.” Guess what? On the last day of the course he didn’t show up. He didn’t even had the decency of finishing the course! He simply vanished.

AND it gets more interesting. Three months later—I had already included him in my MSN—he “connects” (he was always “absent”) and he writes “hello” and then disconnects again.

What do you think GUYS?? May I have misinterpreted the whole situation? Was he flirting with me? If he was why didn’t he ask me out? If he wasn’t into me at all…why did he even bother?

I would really appreciate an answer, please..

Thank you,

Laura (from Argentina)

Dear Laura,

Thanks for your question.

It’s a tricky maneuver to try and date your teacher. Besides the obvious boundary issues between teacher and student—although in this case it’s not quite as taboo since you’re both adults—he probably didn’t think you would be receptive to dating him after you feigned indifference for so long.

See Laura, as the teacher, you held the power. All he could do was hint around and try to get a read on your interest. His original plan was to probably wait until the class was over and then ask you out. But sensing your indifference he probably said forget it. And then his ego kicked in. It’s hard enough to get rejected, but then to have to sit in class and listen to the very person who rejected you—even if it’s just in his mind— is even tougher to take. That’s the most likely explanation for why he skipped the last class and didn’t say goodbye.

Playing hard to get is a necessary tool for women to use in this complex, and sometimes scary, dating world. But each situation is different, and every guy is different. (Hopefully you won’t always feel the need to make the guy work so hard.) But in this case, we absolutely agree with you feigning indifference as the teacher of the class, especially since most of your students were men. (You shouldn’t have any regrets.) Many guys would have been strong enough to see the situation through. They would have been able to “read” your behavior better than this guy, and understand the game that was being played. This guy’s ego was a bit too fragile to handle a strong girl like you.

Please leave us a comment. Or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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For more info on this topic read: Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Read more questions about dating as a single mother:

Dating as a single mom

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household. And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation. OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out? Does he just have cold feet? Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation? What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you.

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

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Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Dating a Younger Guy

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I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

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Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Dating a Younger Guy

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___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready. I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences? I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic, you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Wooing at a distance

Dear Guys,

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

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Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother