The Guy’s Perspective

“Magic of the holidays” by Saelen Ghose

Originally published in: The Cleveland Plain Dealer and The MetroWest Daily 

Magic is the art of lost and found. It’s the craft of manipulation where matter disappears and then reappears right before our very eyes. Magic has been around forever, and it never ceases to amaze and delight us, but sadly it’s missing in our everyday lives.

Recently my daughter said, “Daddy, is Mickey real?” She was referring to none other than Mickey Mouse, fueled from a recent trip to Disney World thanks to the generosity of my in-laws.

I said, “What do you think?”

“Well, my friend at school said Mickey’s not real. But I think he is because he has a tongue.”

I almost laughed out loud, but instead I said, “What do you mean?”

“Donald and Goofy don’t have tongues. How can they possibly eat without tongues? But Mickey has a tongue, so he can eat. He must be real. And anyway, he’s magical.”

I smiled at what I thought was pretty solid reasoning for a six-year old.

With Christmas fast approaching my kids have been discussing Santa Claus in some detail. They are getting to the age where logic is starting to impose its will on the magical world of reindeer, sleighs, and the North Pole, and in turn, I’m getting peppered with questions I’m ill prepared to answer.

“Dad, how does Santa deliver presents to every house in the world, all in one night?

“Dad, wouldn’t the sleigh be too heavy for the reindeer to carry all those presents?”

“Dad, how big is Santa’s bag? It must be bigger than our house?”

And then the worst of all, “Dad, do you believe in Santa?”

At this point I’m still able to parry, feint, and disengage, because why in the world would I want to answer any of these questions? Why would I want to take all the fun out of a very special time of year? This approach goes against my usual parental instincts. Typically when my kids ask me questions I try to give detailed answers, exploring every nuance so they can really understand the subtleties of whatever concept or topic they’re trying to understand. But for Santa questions, and any other magic related questions, including the tooth fairy and other cartoon characters, I use what therapists call a redirect. I say, “Hmm. I don’t know. What do you think?”

Magic is far more involved than pulling rabbits out of a hat and making coins appear from behind an unsuspecting ear. Magic is much bigger than some guy wearing a wrinkled tuxedo and a black top hat, providing entertainment during birthday parties, or business holiday outings. Magic is directly or indirectly involved in everything we can’t explain about our world. Magic is the mystery that makes life so interesting, and keeps us guessing even as we discover more and more about the ins and outs of the universe.

The concept of magic lives large in kids, but for most grown-ups it’s considered part of a world we left long ago to pursue more serious endeavors like careers and families. As we get older it gets harder to believe in things we can’t touch or see, even if we understand they exist—like the tiny microscopic particles that are in front of our very eyes every day. Sure many grown-ups have spiritual and religious faith, but do we really believe in things we can’t imagine? Do we ever really suspend belief and not try and come up with a logical explanation for life’s events? Do we ever consider that magic might be at work, connecting the dots and making it all work out the way it’s supposed to? Is the world really just coincidental?

Everyone says the holidays are all about family coming together, and for the most part that’s accurate. But I think what makes the holidays extra special is the magic that surrounds it, breathes life into it, and makes it come alive. Viewing this through the lens of my children is special and fun, but I’d like to get to a place where I believe it all again too, because a world filled with Mickey, Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and any other fantastical creature, is a world that’s a lot more enjoyable than the mundane one I function in.

As a parent with many responsibilities it’s hard to suspend belief for too long, otherwise my kids will go hungry, the bills will go unpaid, and the car will run out of gas. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep some semblance of order in my chaotic life as a dad, and often wonder if I was put on this planet solely to cook, clean, and grocery shop.

What I really need to do is sit back and listen, because it’s those funny and interesting conversations with my kids that remind me that the world is so much bigger and more wondrous than I can even remember. And if I want to recreate this magical world for myself, I need to allow myself a few moments to wonder, and imagine the possibilities, and maybe, just maybe, allow myself to feel the magic once again.

Please share your insights into this topic here in the comments section. How do you answer these difficult questions? Do your kids still believe? Do you believe in magic? 

Read more of Saelen’s stories of fatherhood and parenting here at The Guy’s Perspective.

Contact Saelen for help with your memoirs. sghose@theguysperspective.com

Read article in The MetroWest Daily

“The upside of no sleep” by Saelen Ghose (Follow on Twitter @saelenghose)

For all you parents out there feeling sentimental about your kids growing up, I have an instant cure for you to try: Let one of your kids invite nine friends over for a birthday sleepover. Yes, in one short—I mean, one very long—evening you too can be cured of all your sentimentality. In fact, I can guarantee that, at least for a few months, the only thing you’ll be sad about is the bus being late to pick up your kids for school.

When planning a party of this magnitude there is much that can be controlled. What kind of food will be served? What activities the kids will engage in? And where will everyone sleep? (Our basement was now off-limits due to a recent musty odor that emerged after we lost power for three days in the October snowstorm. This glitch parked the entire party crew in our living room.) What is impossible to control is the weather.

The morning of the party I drove around with a smile on my face as I finished up some last minute errands. The day was sunny, the roads were refreshingly empty, and I rolled down the windows to let a warm wind blow through my hair. (I’m kidding…..I shaved my head recently.) I enjoyed watching the leaves floating down from the trees, creating tunnels of color for me to drive through. But as the party hour grew closer, the sky darkened, and my mood followed suit.

As kids arrived it began to pour. But that was in no way a deterrent for them as they ran outside to play “kill the carrier” on the muddy lawn. (So much for my weather worries.) This is a tackling game where everyone piles on the kid with the ball. And I’m sure it’s not the kind of game sanctioned by the majority of parents that had entrusted us with their children for the night. Nevertheless I let them continue as I monitored for excessive force and various underhanded blows. My biggest concern was that they were all getting soaking wet and the party had barely begun.

Although we survived the tackling game without a scratch, blood was drawn soon after the party migrated inside. The boys started to whack each other with plastic bowling pins, unbeknownst to my wife and me. I quickly bandaged up the injured partygoer and told them all to get changed. We were headed to the actual bowling alley to enjoy the arcade.

Big parties are not my cup of tea. My son’s party reminded me of my own disastrous birthday sleepovers as a kid. I remember one particularly unsettling party when many of my treasured possessions got smashed by the “cool guys” that I insisted on inviting. I can still remember to this day, crawling deep down into my sleeping bag with tears in my eyes, wishing the party would just end.

But these parties do serve a purpose, at least for parents. They inform us. They give us an insider’s view on what our kids are thinking about. I was surprised at how open the boys were about a variety of topics even though I was loitering nearby. They especially talked a lot about girls, expressing who they thought was cute, and “hot”— their words—which made me laugh inside. It was amusing to see which boys were truly interested, and which boys were only pretending to be interested so they could fit in. And I especially loved seeing where my son fit in this spectrum of interest.

We made it through the night without any serious incidents. Collectively we all slept about two hours, but every guest left with a smile on his face. And my son might have had the most satisfied smile of all.

I said to my wife during the course of the night—when things were getting particularly loud—that we wouldn’t be doing this again. But now that I’ve had time to reflect, and rest, I’m kind of rethinking it. Sure, these parties are torture. It’s like being trapped in a room with the sound of fingernails scraping across a chalk board in perfect sync with Village People’s, “YMCA.” But missing a night’s sleep to get a firsthand glimpse into my son’s world might just be worth it.

Saelen Ghose is a syndicated columnist for Gatehouse Media.

Are you working on your memoirs? Do you need ghostwriting support? Saelen also writes memoirs and obits.

Is there anything worse than being a Turkey on Thanksgiving?

Probably not, but being single is a close second. But is it?

The biggest problem with being single is that everyone feels sorry for you. On the one hand it’s nice that people are looking out for you. Being alone on a major holiday can be a bummer. But the fact that everyone feels the need to invite you to their home only amplifies the obvious: That you have no place to go to, and no one special in your life to share the holiday with.

But there are advantages to being single on holidays.

1. Sometimes being single, far away from your family, is not such a bad thing. This way you get to avoid the family get together. Because to avoid the family get together also means to avoid the family drama, for which there will always be some. Whether it’s some secret that gets revealed by a drunk uncle who’s had too much wine before the Tryptophan has kicked in and knocked him out, or some thoughtless cousin who makes some rude remark about the food—which causes a huge ruckus in the kitchen and an uncomfortable silence during dinner—there’s always some drama. And who needs it? Because it takes at least two weeks of chocolate and naps to recover from it all.

2. But seeing the drama unfold in someone eles’s family is awesome. There’s certainly something pleasurable in witnessing other families actually have some level of dysfunction too. Even those Perfect Families.  So be sure to accept that invite to get your front row seat.

3. You have choices. You’re mobile. You can turkey hop until you find the house with just the right combination of food. You can find the house with the biggest Flat Screen TV to watch the football games, or you can excuse yourself right after dinner without feeling guilty. No one will be angry with you if you leave; they’ll just feel sorrier for you, which you’ll be able to milk for all it’s worth at a later date. Yeah, like Christmas. Bring on the gifts!

4. You can stay home if you’d like. That’s right. Pick up an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken with Black Bean Sauce at the local Chinese place, and a bunch of video rentals, and spend the day on the couch. (Listen to our Podcast about this very topic. Episode #49 “Nerds & Jocks, Turkey and Funny Women” ) There’s nothing like Chinese food and a movie during a major holiday.  Judaism: 101 and Greetings

5. Make up your own holiday. They’ve got to start somewhere. Why not with you? Remember Festivus on Seinfeld?

So if you’re reading this and you’re not single, we ask you to open up your hearts and open up your homes. Because this is the holiday for giving. Just don’t be surprised if your invitation is rebuffed. Single people have choices. And it’s likely they actually have something way more interesting planned than you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy,

THE “single” GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter. Who knows, maybe you’ll get invited over for some pie? @TGPBuzz

A recent question came in from a high school girl wondering what constituted being creepy. She was worried that her shyness around some guy she liked might be perceived as creepy. Well we can set the record straight. That’s far from creepy. Typically teenage girls don’t fall into the creepy category.  They certainly don’t make our list. Her situation sounds more like a young person trying to figure out how to navigate the rough social waters of high school.

Okay we’ll give her that……the whole high school experience can feel kind of creepy in general.

So what or whom would be considered creepy?

Hmm………………..

Well, let’s see what Webster says first.., (flip pages….ahh here it is.)

1) Having or causing a feeling of fear or disgust.

Well that’s pretty basic, and pretty telling. We would say that teenage girls don’t fall into the fear or disgust category.

So what does?

Spiders, insects, the usual ensemble of bugs, and crawly things. In terms of bugs, we define creepy as anything we wouldn’t particularly like crawling on our skin. The list is too long.

So what else is creepy?

Clowns are often creepy as hell. And old men. And even worse, an old man dressed up in a clown costume, performing at a kid’s birthday party. That scenario gives us the shivers.

And what about Glen Close in that creepy movie. What was that called? Oh yeah, “Fatal Attraction.” Now she was creepy!

A lingering stare is kind of creepy, or being too helpful when it’s not asked for is definitely creepy.

Or how about just appearing out of nowhere? Imagine wherever you go, this same person just shows up when you turn around. Yikes, that gives us the willies.

Creepy is somewhere between uncomfortable and stalking. It’s more like “uneasy” or “unsettled.” It’s a sixth sense that says, something is not the way it should be. And this feeling is universal. Everyone knows what creepy is, it’s just different for each person.

Please leave us your list of one t0 five things, creatures, places, or people that creep you out. We’re going to make a universal list and share it on an upcoming podcast.

And for our young teenage friend we can just say, take off that hooded cloak and those skinny black jeans, and step out of the shadows and say something! We’re trying our best to keep you off our list!

THE GUYS

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

Mr. Joe Fireman. Mr. John Handyman. Mr. Paul Plumber.

These names conjure up images of strong, and ruggedly handsome guys, working in cargo pants and a tight tees, while tearing off shingles, fixing pipes, or climbing tall ladders. These guys are comfortable in their own skin, and confident in their abilities. And they put the people around them at ease, with their inner strength, and charm.

You would think guys like these would be comfortable discussing any topic from the latest electronic gadget to the hottest new Hollywood starlet; and of course everything in between. But in fact, this might not be so.

Take a glimpse into a recent conversation I had with one of these strapping young men.

A guy comes over to fix something at my house. I also know him outside of his work.

Me: Thanks for coming over.

Guy: My pleasure. Now what seems to be the problem.

Me: I’m having an issue in the basement.

Guy: Let me check it out.

After a while, the problem gets fixed and we’re chatting.

Me: So how’s your back been. (He’s had back problems.)

Guy: Feeling better.

Me: That’s cool. Yeah, I’ve been having shoulder issues. Been in PT.

Guy: Me too. I’ve been having forearm, and elbow issues.

Me: Oh really. You’d better stop….you know……(I make a motion with my hand that I think is obvious. Hint: Guys pretend they don’t do this “thing” when their girlfriend asks them.)

Guy: (Looks confused) What do you mean?

Me: You know. (I make motion again.)

Of course I’m really just kidding around. But here’s what happens.

The Guy realizes what I’m referring to finally. Turns beat red. Then turns redder. Starts to stutter. Tries to recover. Tries to say something. Can’t. I smile and say I was just joking around. Uncomfortable silence.

Me: Okay. So. Um. Well then, thanks for coming over.

He leaves and then I realize something.

You can’t judge a guy by the length of his ladder.

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

While THE GUYS are regrouping a bit this summer, we’re posting some of the highlights from the “Bob the Vegan” series. Enjoy.

This was the third episode.

Episode 1: We introduce Bob and Torrie. He becomes a vegan.

Episode 2: Bob is having a hard time. He gets revenge with the lawn mower.

And now, Episode 3: (George is one of his best buddies.)

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can’t take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it’s me and I just  can’t do it.

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I’ve been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don’t mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don’t blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She’ll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don’t tell her, she’s going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how’s she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C’mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once.

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That’s why we’re not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that’s how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn’t it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn’t believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact.

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him later, he just kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that’s just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We’ll I’m not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie’s here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It’s great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that’s sweet……..You know Bob, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You’ve been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven’t always picked the nicest of guys and I’ve had some bad luck too. You’re such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let’s just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you’re not a pig like the rest of the guys I’ve dated, so why don’t you go ahead and eat whatever you’d like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven’t really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I’m speechless.

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What’s that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re lying to me.

Bob: No. It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob if you don’t shut up with that “It wasn’t me” crap, I’m going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn’t me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn’t me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Coming soon: We answer more relationship questions. And our next podcast will be a week from today!

Here are some recent questions and inquiries for THE GUYS. Two are actual questions and two were searches. We felt they were pretty straightforward so we decided to put them all in one post.

If you’d like to get THE GUYS delivered to your door please subscribe to either the blog or podcast or both. Thanks.

Question 1:

If a guy talks to you on and off, going through little stages such as talks to you a whole bunch, smiles at you, tells you he thinks you’re cute. Then suddenly he stops talking to you, stops smiling at you, then all together stops talking to you, and then ignores you, then goes for my friend, what in the hell does this even mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys: Unfortunately this means this guy is a scoundrel. Of course you don’t say how old he is, so it could just be that he’s young and confused. A young guy is like a squirrel that comes across a yard full of nuts and flits around from one to the other, not knowing which to store first. It’s baffling to us too, and we’re Guys. So our best advice to you is move on, don’t be discouraged, and find yourself some wholesome nerd who will treat you right.

Question 2:

How big is the tooth fairy?

Guys: In our best estimation the tooth fairy is small enough to covertly sneak into houses, but strong enough to carry a whole lot of money around. Of course these days with the value of the dollar plummeting, money isn’t that heavy, so the tooth fairy truly could be a tiny little thing. The best thing to do is keep your eyes closed and sleep. From what we little we know on the subject, the tooth fairy won’t come if you’re awake. So ask yourselves this question. Would you rather be knowledgeable or rich?

Question 3:

My date sniffed me. Why?

Guys: Sniffed you where? And was it audible? Look, what’s wrong with a good sniff? That means he’s way into you. You might have an issue if he comes in the bathroom while you’re reading a magazine and takes a huge sniff and says, “That made my day.” (Although that might not even be a deal breaker. And do females even do that?) Guys do the “darndest” things. We’d say, enjoy the attention.

Question 4:

What if a guy asked me to slow dance at the prom?

Guys: Is this your date? We’re assuming that it is. What we think you’re asking is, “What can I expect during a slow dance at the prom?” If this is the case, you can expect exactly what you’re worried about; a slow moving tubular object that hardens as it creeps up your leg. Sorry, not much else to say. Don’t be too frightened, it’s pretty normal.

If you have questions for the guys, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page. And check out the archives on that same page for previous questions and/or topics we’ve addressed. And yes, we do answer serious questions too.

We also answer questions on our Podcast.

Dear Readers,

Before we begin our post, we want to thank you for your patience as we transition to our new site. We’ve had a few delays, but hopefully things are squared away now. Our first podcast should be up tomorrow.

To subscribe to our blog or podcast please use the buttons on the right side of each page. If something is still amiss please contact us to let us now, like many of you did today. We appreciate that greatly!

THE GUYS

From: One of The Guys

This is a true story from a friend of mine.

He and his wife are in couple’s counseling. Not to repair any major damage, but to keep the communication open and help them understand each other better. He calls it a proactive approach, similar to exercising and eating right instead of going to the doctor for high blood pressure and adult onset diabetes.

So they walk into the office, and the therapist has a dog in the room.

Therapist: Don’t worry he’ll just lie here. If he causes any problem I’ll remove him.

My friend and his wife: That’s fine.

So the session goes on and the dog is actually a problem. He starts chewing on an empty plastic coke bottle causing a huge ruckus. Then the dog starts whining for a while. But the final straw is when the dog starts humping the therapist’s leg. Finally he removes him.

Therapist: I’m really sorry about that. Now my reputation is going to be ruined.

My Friend and Wife: Oh it’s fine. No worries. He wasn’t that bad.

I’m laughing as he’s recounting the story to me. He said the dog was sweet, but also kind of annoying too. Then it dawned on me.

Me: That was all a ruse.

Him: What do you mean?

Me: That dog wasn’t misbehaving.

Him: What are you talking about?

Me: The dog was the therapist.

Him: What? Have you lost it.

Me: NO, seriously. The dog was the therapist.

Him: Now I’m totally confused.

Me: Isn’t it obvious?

Him: You’ve lost me.

Me: Listen. First of all, the dog plays with the coke bottle while you’re talking. What does it mean? It could mean two things. He’s telling you to stop using your wife’s stuff or maybe just listen better. Next. The dog doesn’t stop whining. Well, remember how much you bitched last week because you had to go grocery shopping a few times. Maybe you should just be more agreeable. Finally. The dog starts humping the guy’s leg. He’s telling you to slow down. You need to warm up your wife before you try to get some action. You know, a little wine, some good conversation, maybe a back rub or a foot massage.

Him: It was a dog you moron.

Me: I’m just stating the obvious.

Him: Remind me not to share any more stories with you.

Me: I’m just saying, I don’t know a lot of women that enjoy being humped in the leg.

Him: I’m outta here.

What do you think your pet is trying to tell you?

What do you wish your pet would tell your spouse or partner?

Is there something you’d like to change about your partner but have a hard time telling him or her?

From: THE GUYS

Relationships are complicated dances of give and take, and compromise. We don’t mean compromising values, but more a willingness to budge,  just a little, when the issue at hand is not really that important. Otherwise the music stops and the dance is over.

Here are some examples of budging from our point of view.

Us: Do we really have to go to this thing?

You: (Give us THE LOOK)

Us: Yes, we’d love to go to your best friend’s dog grooming party.

OR

You: Honey, look at this. (You point to the newspaper.) There’s a great discussion on Wild Flowers happening on the Nature Walk trail this weekend.

Us: (We give YOU the LOOK)

You: (Ignore us) And?

Us: (Pause to see if you’ll cave in….you don’t…..) Sure, that sounds great. We’ll just take an extra Sudafed for our allergies.

OR FINALLY

You: I’ve got nothing to wear.

Us: What about all the clothes in your closet?

You: Those are all old and out of style. And they don’t fit. And they don’t look good anymore. And I don’t like them. And I want some new clothes.

Us: But..?

You: Will you come shopping with me? I need help.

Us: (Grinding our teeth quietly) Sure. Fine. Maybe we can go to the mall and eat at the Food Court?

You: The mall? Are you kiddin? I don’t want to go to the mall. Let’s go downtown.

Us: But aren’t those shops way more expensive?

You: So? What are you trying to say?

Us: Um, nothing……sounds great.

Us: (Thinking) Great, we can forget about the 72″ Flat screen.

But we also know the women in our lives compromise for us too. This is what we think you pretend to like. Or at least tolerate for us.

Going to our company BBQ.

Watching us come in last place in the Elks Lodge Bowling Tournament every year, while being stuck talking with “Marty,” the friendly host who smells like Cigars and Sardines.

Playing video games with us. Watching football. Going camping.

Having a little romp with us on a night you’re tired, even though you’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Glee.”

These examples are all mentioned in fun, but actually compromising CAN lead to new experiences and new knowledge. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to know about which Wild Flowers are edible and which aren’t. It might come in handy if we ever accompany Bear Grylls on a segment of “Man vs. Wild.” And knowing how to groom a Poodle might save us some serious money if we ever actually own a dog. But most importantly, compromise can lead to a better understanding of the other person, which leads to good will, and ultimately a stronger bond.

However we do have one slight problem. Although we understand compromise is important, we’re still not sure about the dance part. Although we’d secretly like to get better.

So when you bring up taking a dance class together, we “slow play” it, hoping if we pretend to not be that interested, we can get you to join the couples poker night we’ve been begging you to…….WOW!….Our bluff works! You agree. We’re now feeling a bit overconfident.  So we try to get one more raise from you.

Us: (Sweetly) Do think we can we get that flat screen TV now?

You: Don’t push it buddy!

No, you’re no fool. And that’s the real reason why we love you!

______________________________________________

What do you compromise for your partner? Why?

What do you think they compromise for you?

My daughter asked me today, “Why do dogs smell each other’s butts? (She pauses to ponder……) That’s weird.” (Commences to giggle)

I really didn’t have any great response to that. I mean she only just turned six. And to me it seems pretty self-explanatory. Or maybe I should say, self-exploratory. Or self-olfactory for that matter.

Either way, dogs, animals, people are into sniffing and smells. The olfactory sense may be the mightiest of all the senses; one that can transport you back in time faster than you can say…. I mean, smell, Cheese!

Growing up, my street was lined with huge maple trees that gave off a sweet aroma, especially during the hot summer nights. I didn’t realize it was actually the trees I was smelling, until I was walking in a quaint New England town a few years ago and stopped in my tracks. “What is that smell?” I said to my wife. She said, “I think it’s that tree” pointing to a huge maple tree. And sure enough, that’s exactly what it was. And at that moment, I closed my eyes and there I was, riding no-handed down my street, with a baseball card clicking in my spokes, feeling the wind and my freedom.

But smells tell us much more than that. They tell us if we’re attracted to someone; or if we’re compatible with them physically. That’s why many Guys don’t like it when a woman covers herself from head to foot with various forms of aerosol spray. This is just too confusing to most guys. And it makes any sort of “evaluation” difficult. OK, that sounded bad, but it’s true. Strange, unnatural scents are usually a sign that something is amiss. And that protective mechanism has been programmed  into us from the beginning, when we needed the ability to figure out which berries were safe to eat, the red ones or the orange ones.

So doesn’t it seem to make sense that we should adapt the ways of the dog? Doesn’t sniffing each other seem like a much easier way to figure out if you like someone? Forget first date jitters, second date apprehension and third date expectations, just take a sniff and get the answers you’re looking for. And wouldn’t it save us all from trying to make conversation, which can certainly be challenging at times.

But if you feel that sniffing before you know someone is a bit impolite, you could always ask first, although I’m not so sure how this would go over. “Excuse me, but would you mind if I just sniffed your butt? You know, just to see if we’re compatible?”

Yes, you might get a smack upside your head, but hey, that’s not the worst pick up line I’ve heard.

“One of The Guys”

What is your favorite sense? Why?

Do smells conjure up vivid memories?

What’s the worst pick up line you’ve used, or heard?

Do you think we should adapt the ways of the dog?

Every morning we check to see who’s searching for THE GUYS. We’re curious to know what type of information people are looking for. Unfortunately many people come to our site and leave immediately because we aren’t providing the information they are seeking. So we’d like to address that here, by answering the last batch of  “search questions.”

Here are ten recent searches in no particular order. We’ll do our best to address each one.

1. “Lick my boyfriend’s feet”

Now let’s clarify.  Does he want you to lick his feet and you don’t know how? Or do you want to lick his feet and you’re not sure how to ask him? Either way it’s not something we recommend doing on the first or second date, especially if he’s just getting over a case of athlete’s foot, or hasn’t filed down his corns. You might want to broach the subject after a few glasses of wine; make that a few bottles.

2. “How to tell if you’re being played”

Didn’t we answer this already? Read it here.

3. “Finding a guy who can handle my neediness”

The fact that you’re asking the question should tell you something.  No man or woman truly wants to be with someone who’s needy. Sure we can all feel needy from time to time, especially when the balance is off in our relationship, but if you’re a needy person and you know it, maybe you need to ask yourself, “Why am I so needy?” Address that first and then come back and visit. You might find some other answers you’re looking for here.

4. “Alpha males and chores”

Are you saying your man doesn’t want to do chores because he’s an alpha male? If so, who anointed him? But honestly, we really don’t care who he is. Tell his butt to get up and pull his weight. However, the bottom line is, if you married this man BECAUSE  he was an alpha male, good luck. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Sorry.

5. “Alpha males never marry”

What’s with the alpha male questions? OF COURSE the stereotypical alpha male gets married. And then he cheats with strippers from Vegas. Sound familiar?

6. “Bad things happen to comic book guy”

What?

7. Best way to paralyze a person

Um, excuse me? Did you just ask what we think you asked? We’re not sure what’s more alarming, the question, or the fact that Google sent you to our site.

8. “Blow job from a guy’s perspective”

C’mon, this is not a “How-to” site, although maybe it should be. (We’ll percolate on that one.) As for your question, we think you can figure this one out on your own, or by watching the 20 million videos covering the topic.

9. “Guy did not hold the door for me.”

Is this your boyfriend or some random guy? It’s our feeling that common courtesy is on the downswing, mainly because people are so busy, stressed and wrapped up in their own worlds to notice the other people around them. If this is your boyfriend just say to him, “If you don’t hold the door for me, I won’t lick your feet anymore!” That should do the trick.

10. Dating two guys at once

Not sure what you’re looking for here. Permission?

And there you have it. Please feel free to add to any of our explanations. And if you truly have a question for THE GUYS, please email us at:

advice@theguysperspective.com

Happy Licking!!

We read in a book somewhere that a person’s walk is the most distinguishable characteristic they have, even surpassing their face as the best way to identify them. We put it to the test and it’s absolutely true.

(This is a hypothetical “us”)

Us: Is that you Amanda?

Her: No, I’m Kelly.

Us: Really? You look just like Amanda?

Her: Well, I’m not.

Us: Well, just to be sure, could you walk a few steps so we can take a look?

Her: (Slaps us!)

Us: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Her: Get lost creep!

Us: OK, bye Amanda….uh… Kelly.

Maybe not the best method. It’s probably never a good idea to ask a women to take a stroll, so you can check out her backside….uh, we mean walk.

Guys are mesmerized by the way a woman moves. It might be the subtle brush of her hair as she turns her head and smiles shyly. It might be how she shifts her weight from side to side as she sips a drink, surveying a room. But most often it’s the way she walks that has our heads spinning.

Anytime a woman enters our line of vision no matter where we are, our first instinct is to stare. It’s true, even if we try so hard not to. It’s a reflex, like an automatic door that must open if someone walks up to it.  Tact, subtlety and dignity are abandoned and we forget ourselves completely!

Then we say stupid shit like:

“Hey Baby”

“You are so fine”

“Yowza”

The simple way a woman walks rattles our brain so completely that we lose whatever trace of intelligent vernacular and social etiquette we ever learned, replaced by grunts and other nonsensical utterances. Quite simply we become Cave Men.

Now imagine us at a dance club. Yikes!

Drinks and dancing are not the best combination for us. Seeing women moving on the dance floor sets our neurons into a complete frenzy. Talk about heightened senses! Every cell in our body is humming and vibrating, and it’s deafening and maddening and very difficult to control. How else do we account for our behavior when we approach a group of women on the dance floor?

The Dance Floor Scenario

A group of women is having a great time at a club, dancing, laughing and just enjoying themselves. Then some drunk fool(One of us) approaches and starts “dancing” with them. At least he thinks he’s dancing with them. Does he ask to join in? NO!! He just starts dancing nearby, doing some very strange gyrations and smiling with that wide eyed goofy grin. (You know the kind)

At first the women think it’s mildly amusing. OK, not really. Mostly they are annoyed that this guy is crashing their party. And he’s not even that cute. And his dancing?? If you could call it that. He looks more like he’s about to give birth.

Meanwhile his friends who are too chicken to approach are waiting to see what happens. They’re hoping they’ll be able to swoop in once their buddy breaks the ice. Or more likely breaks his face.

Pretty soon, the drunk dancer guy changes things up and tries to do some sort of sexy moves with his hips. The women shout, “Oh no, he’s about to give birth! Someone catch the baby!” But then no baby comes out. And instead he starts trying to saddle up behind the closest woman like a dog in heat.

Now the women are just grossed out, and start moving to the other end of the dance floor. But he follows, like a sheep dog herding his flock. Then all of a sudden his friends descend upon the floor, thinking  this is their moment! “OMG” the women say, “Get us out of here!” And they grab their bags and bolt, running in heels and skirts faster than any person ever thought possible! Another night of fun ruined.

How do we account for our COMPLETE misinterpretation of a woman’s body language!!?? We don’t. We have no idea what came over us. We were asleep in some trance, controlled by some puppeteer with a sick sense of humor. When we finally wake up we say, “Where are we? How did we get on the dance floor? We don’t even like to dance!”

Yes we love women for their intelligence, savvy, kindness and all the other things we’re supposed to say.

But really, the way you move means, you had us long before, “Hello.”

THE GUYS

Do you have any dance floor stories to share? Men and women??

For the men: Any other thoughts about the way women move?

For the women: What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?

From: “One of The Guys”

Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.

Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.

For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.

But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.

So what’s happened to creativity?

Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?

What do you think?

The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.

But where does this all start?

I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.

Here’s how:

Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.

Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.

But here’s what’s happened.

It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.

Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?

Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.

Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.

Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?

Them: We can’t remember.

Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.

Them: We just want to play Wii.

Me: Didn’t I just say no?

Them: C’mon.

So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Really? Nothing? Really?

Him: No, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Do you want some help?

(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)

Me: Well, what sports do you like?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!

Me: What!!? Why?

Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.

Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.

Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.

(Silence. So I keep pushing it)

Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)

Him: Harumph…..

After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.

Things I like to Do(His List)

1. Lie in Bed

2. Kind of read

I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”

Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!!  But now I’m onto them.

So after pondering  this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.

He seemed to like that idea.

Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.

Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.

So I ask you.

What’s happened to creativity?

Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!

From “Suburban Guy”…..

Let’s just put this right out there. I’m a man. No doubt about it. I have all the plumbing, and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with singing show tunes, obsessing about clothing, and saying things like “you bitch!” to other men, I’m not on that team (not that here is anything wrong with the other team, honestly). To put a fine point on it, I’m just a regular guy. That said, I’m different in one very big way: I have a purse.

I don’t call it a purse, of course. And, I can’t stand those silly names like “murse” and “man bag.” Holy crap. It’s a bag, just that. I put stuff in it that I like to have with me when I go places. Frankly, it’s very butch looking. I got it for eleven dollars on Amazon as a “messenger bag.” It’s black and cool and I wear it low like a saddle bag on a mule, usually even over two shoulders. I imagine people think its full of gunpowder and lead for my concealed musket. Okay, maybe not.

I used to use a backpack since they are socially acceptable for men to carry. The only problem is that they are ten times too big and you can’t take one with you to a dinner or a party or the movies. Have you ever seen a man enter a fine restaurant with a backpack wrinkling his suit jacket and then tuck it under his seat? Sure, but it’s very rare. Bring one to the movies, and twelve ushers will ask you to check the contents. Like a woman couldn’t sneak a rogue Twix bar or a gallon of Smirnoff in some freakin’ Vera Bradley monstrosity? You could fit a whole watermelon in some of those things!

I can hear you out there, men and woman alike. You can’t help it. You think that a man carrying a bag is ridiculous, silly, effeminate. Wow! Know what, and this surprised me — so do I. As much as I’d like to be brazen about it and take it with me all the time, I still leave it in the car more than I actually wear it into social settings. When I do, I can just feel the eyes and comments all around me (I can be such a middle-aged teen sometimes!).

“Is that man wearing a purse?”

“Is he gay? I didn’t know…”

“Look at fancy-boy with his purse!”

I keep trying, and I’m getting better. Logically, I can’t see what’s wrong with a guy wanting to have some stuff with him wherever he goes. I keep a good book in there, a flashlight, a couple of pens, a notepad to jot down ideas. I added a small umbrella and one of those little ten-packs of tissues. Someday I may even add some Purell. Who knows — the sky’s the limit. Consider this: what we are allowed socially is what will fit into a wallet. Thanks. I’ll fold up a single page of the book I’m reading and tuck it behind my Visa card. Perhaps I could slip a tissue in with my tens and twenties.

The problem is that even though I know the logic is sound, logic isn’t winning out, not yet. I wish I could be like good old Kosmo Kramer sometimes, just not give a rat’s ass about what other people think — hair sticking up, plaid trousers with a rumpled shirt, wearing a bag over the shoulder. I know a lot of celebrities are carrying bags now. I saw a picture of Brad Pitt with one (also wearing a goofy knit hat that screamed “I’m so attractive I don’t even look bad when I try.”). But, I guess I just don’t have that sort of moxie. I’m working on it.

The whole thing is really very silly, really. In some countries, men wear dresses and skirts. Not yearning for that, but in comparison, you’d think carrying a little ten inch black bag ought to be as easy as wearing a pink shirt, right? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I still haven’t gone there either…

Written by:  “One of The Guys”

Hair(As defined by Webster): Any of the fine, threadlike outgrowths from the skin of an animal or human being.

Body Hair(As defined by The Guys): Any of the above mentioned hair that grows all the places we don’t want it to.

The topic of body hair was brought up recently at one of our round table discussions. Apparently a few of our comrades have recently been contemplating full body laser surgery, to remove their full bodied rugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you’ve ever seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ll know what I mean. The hair waxing scene is one of the funniest moments in that movie.

But laser surgery!? Is body hair really that bad? Let’s examine the pros and cons.

On the pro side.

1. It keeps you warm. No  need to put on that extra sweater in the winter.

2. You can hide things in there. Like that piece of gold you don’t want to declare at customs. Very handy.

3. No need to buy a Halloween costume….ever!  The Wolf Man is always en vogue.

4. If you start going bald, you have a lot of real hair to use for the transplant.

On the con side:

1. It’s hot as hell!

2. Forget taking your shirt off at the beach.

3. Sweating is taken to a whole new level.

4. Did I mention it’s hot as hell!

5. And who knows what your partner is really thinking?

And that’s a question we’ll be asking later in this post. What does your partner actually think about this? And is it so bad to call for drastic measures?

Of course I wouldn’t know. I’ve had one chest hair in my time of this planet which I’ve diligently kept trimmed. Although there was a time when I felt the need to point it out to people, just to let people know I was capable of actually growing a chest hair. But I see I might be one of the lucky ones. For now.

I say for now, because body hair is something no man ever really escapes. Eventually hair will grow from every crevice in his body until he is consumed. And it’s already happening to me. Just the other day I looked in the mirror and I said, “Is that a hair growing out of my eye?”

However, the real question is, is there a double standard when it comes to body hair?

A guy can walk around with a carpet on his back and a furry woodland creature on his face and his partner just has to deal with it. But women jump through the proverbial hoop just to rid themselves of a little hair. Especially nowadays, hair seems to be WAY OUT. Here’s what I’ve witnessed, or at least heard about, in terms of women grooming themselves.

Waxing the hair under their lip.

The bikini wax and trim.

Shaving their underarms.

Shaving their legs.

The eyebrow pluck.

And then of course we have the various degrees of grooming when it comes to the private area.

The Brazilian

The French

The Landing Strip

The Isosceles

The Cardshark

And more………….

I mean talk about the pressure! This takes grooming to a whole new level. Women have always had to think about clothes and the way they look on the outside, but now they have to think about what’s going on under the clothes?!  That’s just too much!

For guys, we just have to brush our teeth, wash and comb our hair and put on clean undies. Expectations are low and as long as we’re clean and reasonably kept, we can get away with a lot.(I think)

But now the tables are turning a bit. Like I said, hair is going out of style, especially unseemly body hair. And some of The Guys are taking a hard look at themselves and realizing that maybe their little tree farm isn’t that attractive after all.

As for women, I for one don’t really care what they do with their hair. That’s their business. It’s certainly not a determining factor on why I would or wouldn’t date someone. (Although I’m not longer in the game, so it’s a moot point.) But I’m just saying. “The Patchouli” is certainly fine with me. (Look it up)

But as far as guys go, our body hair is just like the lawns we work so hard to keep immaculate. At the end of the day, the weeds will win out, and our body hair will eventually consume every inch of our bodies.

So I say to my Guys, save yourself some money. Forget the surgery and just let it ride. You’re actually trend setters, you just don’t know it yet. Because when it’s all said and done, even me, with my one hair on my chest, will become consumed by the looming forest.

Men: Do you think we should shave our body hair or remove it permanently? What does your partner say about it? Also, what kind of grooming do you prefer in your partner?

Women: Is there a major double standard going on with body hair? Do you care? How do you like to groom yourself? (Please share if you’d like) And how do you really feel about body hair on guys?

Once again THE GUYS would like to thank all of our loyal readers and new friends for supporting us this last year.

In a world dominated by Oprah and The View, THE GUYS are doing their best to carve out a little piece of the pie. Seriously, we think there’s enough room to give our perspective on life, and the relationships that are so vital to us. And coming soon, THE GUYS very own weekly podcast!

Of course, if that isn’t enough for you and you’d like to take one of us home, well we can arrange that as well. We’re pretty easy as Guys go. Scrap that, all guys are easy, but you get our point. Of course you can’t just have ONE of us, you’ll have to take a few of THE GUYS home with you.

So here are your choices:

You can carry us close to your, um…..heart, with this Spaghetti Strap.

Or for a more casual date with THE GUYS, how about this Tee?

And why not drink us up? We’re very tasty!

It’s never too early to become one of THE GUYS. Not to be confused with “One of The Guys.”

And if your Guy has a hard time at the dinner table, why not give him an early birthday gift. Food will stick to this like glue.

And of course for any of you other GUYS looking to mix it up in the bedroom, we had these made especially for you. But your gal might want a pair too, so why not get a couple?

So there you have it. Please visit our Cafe Press store to help support THE GUYS. Your donation would be much appreciated and will help us continue to enlighten some of these other GUYS, and hopefully amuse and inform our female friends.

So take the plunge. Take a GUY home with you. It doesn’t cost much, and we promise, we won’t argue, disagree, or question anything you ever say. Better than a dog, cat or even some small children.

Thanks so Much!

THE GUYS

Coming in our next three posts we’ll be exploring that ever so explosive and touchy subject of CHEATING…………read three different guys’ viewpoints and experiences on the subject.

This is part three of our miniseries, recognizing some of the sites we love. Check them out at the bottom of this post.

The first post we dipped back into time bringing you a piece of nostalgia from our childhood. “The Uniform”

The second post was all about expectations of that “coming of age” event called, “The Prom.”

Now from, “One of The Guys”

Well, this is going to be more of a stream of consciousness post. I’m just going to see where it goes. I like to do that sometimes. I might have a nugget of an idea, and then see how far I can develop it, similar to improvising on a theme when I play music. That’s what improvising is all about. Not knowing where the story is going, but still having some parameters to work with; basically the other musicians, the chord changes (if there are any) and the audience, because surely their enthusiasm or lack thereof dictates how the story is told.

And isn’t that the truth? Isn’t that what life is like? What being a person on this planet is like? One Big Blessed Improv Routine!! I mean seriously. We don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, where we’re going, what’s right, what’s wrong, who we really are. In fact by the time we THINK we’ve kind of figured it all out, we know the story is just about to conclude, and there’s no way to alter the ending.

I think about this a lot when I’m at home dealing with my kids. I try to give them parameters to work with, but I can’t control their own story as much as I’d like to sometimes. Why do I want to control it? Because this world is a scary place. And the older I get the scarier I think it is. Now don’t get me wrong. I work hard to see the beauty in all of it too, and I try not to let my fears paralyze me, or my kids. But now that I do have a family, life somehow seems more precarious, more fragile.

I remember being a bold teen, walking down the city streets alone, and not being scared of anything. Ignorance is bliss.

BUT NOW?

Now, the freaking squirrels scare the crap out of me. I think to myself, if one of those little ferocious beasts actually attacked me or the kids, I don’t think I could fight it off. Seriously! Could you? What if all the squirrels in the world decided to attack at once? We’d all be TOAST!

What does this mean besides that I’m nuts?

It means that we all have to trust in “the order of the universe.” Trust that the sun will come up…..at least occasionally where I live. Trust that darkness will come so we can rest. Trust that our kids will learn their own lessons and grow from them. And trust that the damn squirrels will stick to the trees.

So as I navigate through this world, it’s clear to me that I’m not alone. That no matter how nutty my thoughts are, I know I can just search, “Nutty Thoughts” on the web and find about a million people who think exactly as I do. (I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not, but it’s still amazing)

So what’s the lesson.?

We need to stick together, that’s what. We need to try to understand one another and realize that we all have so much more in common than we don’t.  We need to realize we all care about our families and we all want our kids to grow up and be happy and have opportunities. We all want to sit back and watch a game and root for our team without being castigated or threatened. We want the simple things too. A nice meal with a friend OR by ourselves. A quiet time to think. A good run, or walk. A night out to watch a concert. Some alone time with our honey. Or maybe time to read a cool blog, or find some cool new app on our iphone. (I don’t have one yet) We all just want to live and enjoy the time while we are here. Have fun. And maybe try to figure out where we’re headed after our time is up on this planet earth. Or maybe not.

Sure we’re all unique and that’s what makes this place so damn cool! But until we start acknowledging our similarities, we can’t celebrate our differences, to use a common PC expression. (Don’t get me started about being PC)

And let’s be honest, who the hell isn’t scared shitless of squirrels?

Take some time to check out these great sites. They cover all the things you might be interested in: Politics, Art, Philosophy, Religion,Parenting, Travel, and lots of humor! Enjoy!

Ask Cherlock

Astronomy for Everyone

A Little Girl Talk

Out of Context: Pieces for a Life (aphorisms)

Artistry Infaux

Applause for a Cause

Decaffeinated Coffee

Footsteps (Travels and Journeys)

Jeans Musings

Mad Kane

SuperMommy to the Rescue

Sugar Snow

Superficial Gallery

TJ Lubrano

The Suss

Virtual Synapses

Writing to Survive

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

As I was walking into the grocery store the other day I saw a friend of mine.
He smiled and said, “How are you?”

I had a lot on my mind at that moment and I proceeded to tell him how I was doing.  When I looked up, I could see the look of horror on his face. Clearly I had violated appropriate social etiquette.

“How are you?” is a simple multiple choice question for which there are only two appropriate answers.

a) Good

b) Fine

Anything else is a breach of “said” social contract which we all unwittingly agree to, in order to function in our complex society.

So does anyone really care how anyone else is? Possibly, but that’s yet to be determined.

So let’s look at three possible scenarios for why this kind of interaction is taking place across the nation on a regular basis.

1. We truly don’t care about other people because we’re too wrapped up in our own little world.

2. We constantly feel like we’re rushing, so we don’t feel like we have the time to really care.

3. We’ve forgotten how to listen. Or we never learned how to listen. Or listening makes us uncomfortable.

I try hard not to fall into any of these camps, but if I do it would be the second camp. I’m overwhelmed with everything I feel I need to do. But much of it is self-imposed. Do I really need to check my email while my wife is trying to talk to me? Or cut the lawn instead of playing with my kids? Or just let time determine my interactions?

As for Guys in general, we are often accused of being in the third camp. Of course being a Guy, I feel like this is totally unfair. Yes, we’re easily distracted, but we do know how to listen, we just need to be interested in the topic at hand. But that’s not really being a good listener is it? It really shouldn’t matter what the topic is. Lending an ear to someone is about getting beyond yourself. The Guys are working on it!

In what camp do you fall if any?

So having said all of that, sometimes I just don’t want to DEAL. So I’ve begun to devise a system that might help us all deal a little easier. It’s pretty easy. Body parts symbolize certain things. You just nod and point. I’ll give you a few examples.

The Easy Way Out: How to not say, “How are you?”

Nod and put finger to mouth: This means I’m good, but I’m hungry. Stay away or you might get bitten.

Nod and point to crotch: This means I need to find a bathroom quickly, so no time to chat.

Nod and stick hands in armpits: Get back for your own protection. I haven’t showered.

Any other suggestions are welcome!

One thing my system makes very clear. You know if you walk by me and I say, “How are you?” I actually really want you to answer…..truthfully!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I may have written about this before, but here goes again. The pressure is mounting. It’s 2010, the kids are one year older….can’t use that excuse anymore….and everyone but me wants a dog.

I tried selling them on fish or a hamster or maybe even a rat. I hear they’re in vogue these days. But they’ll have none of it. It’s a dog or nothing.

Actually I like dogs. I grew up with one. She was smart, cuddly, fun and I played with her a ton. But let’s face it, I didn’t really have to take care of her, and neither did my brother or sister. My mom pretty much did everything.

In my current situation, since I’m home more days than my wife, it will be me, picking up poop, walking the dog and tending to her needs. I can barely take care of myself and the kids…and sometimes my wife, how can I handle another mouth to feed and another butt to wipe!! Well hopefully I won’t have to wipe her butt, but you get my meaning.

The other thing is, these four legged beings are damn expensive! I know how pricey those vet bills can be. What am I going to say? “Sorry kids,  we just can’t fix “Fido’s” leg. Too expensive. She’ll just have to limp the rest of her life.” I’ll be whipped and chained and hung up over the fireplace if I take that stance. So what’s a poor guy to do? Help!!!???

So, I guess this is it. Hmmm…..

But there is a solution to this whole dilemma. Here’s how it’s going to go.

Me (To my family): Just throw me a bone and maybe I’ll go along with it.

My wife: So what do you want?

Me: I want to name her.

The kids: NO!!!!!

Me: I name her, or no dog.

Everyone(After a LONG pause): Fine.

Me: So I’m going to name her “Peeve!” (Pause) That’s right you heard me, “Peeve!”

Everyone: What??!! What kind of a name is that? That’s lame!

Me: No it’s not.  That way when my friends come over and they say, “What’s your dog’s name?”  I can say, “This is my pet Peeve.”

Everyone: Ahhh!!! 

And you know what, that just might be worth the extra mouth to feed.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Neediness is not the most attractive quality. Women especially, seem to run as far and as fast as they can when the smell it on a guy. And I certainly can’t blame them. Neediness smacks of desperation.

Of course this is harsh and not always true. Neediness comes and goes. And it changes through the course of any relationship. Every person has moments of neediness and that’s certainly normal. Like,  “Please tell me you still love me even though you are texting your new personal trainer every night about your workouts!” And, “If you would you just tell me you still find me attractive occasionally, I’ll stop pestering you about how fat I look!”

But even then, when it seems perfectly reasonable, no one likes it. It’s like a fly that keeps bombarding you while you’re on a peaceful walk. It ruins everything.

So I’ve been feeling needy lately. Not for the reasons mentioned above. It’s because I’ve been sick for a while. First a fever, then this cough that keeps getting worse. Then that finally subsides and the fever comes back. Then I get a sinus infection, take some medicine for it and my stomach turns inside out. It’s been one thing after the next! I guess that’s how it goes.

I actually don’t get sick much, but when I do I’m a baby. I hate being sick. Even when my fever is only 99.5 I feel like total crap. My kids could have a 102 degree temp and they run around like it’s their birthday. Me, I just can’t function at all.

Anyway, I guess my wife senses my neediness and I can tell it annoys her. She does her best to be sympathetic but it’s clear my neediness is certainly NOT why she married me. Fine, I get it.

But my doctor’s office! That’s another story.

I called to make an appointment. They didn’t even call me back. I had to call back twice just to make an appointment. What,… are guys not allowed to be sick until they turn 55 or something? I mean c’mon. I know about racism and sexism, but until now I had never heard of Desperationism. I mean isn’t that against the law or something?

So I’ve learned a valuable lesson these last few weeks. The next time I’m feeling vulnerable, sensitive, sick or just queasy, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be the best way to get what you want.

Was it with the strong, silent type? They never go out of style.

DAMN THEM!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.

I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.

Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.

She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”

I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)

She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”

I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)

She said, “Have a nice day.”

As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.

When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”

Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”

I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:

For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.

It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.

However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.

If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:

“I’m a bit short staffed.”

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I’m learning more and more that people really do have very different views on what’s funny. That’s weird to me, since I’m pretty sure I know what is and isn’t funny. But maybe I don’t.

Take “30 Rock”  that show with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. Now I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don’t get it. I was at a holiday party last night and this guy kept going on about Alec Baldwin this and Alec Baldwin that. Well you know what? Alec Baldwin is mildly amusing, but he’s not funny. He just isn’t.

I have tried to watch that show on several occasions mainly because I’m a Tina Fey fan. She was wicked funny on SNL, but not really on “30 Rock.” The writing is just ordinary, and these days with so many choices, ordinary just doesn’t cut it. Good stories draw you in. They help you forget your troubles and make you believe in their world. But with that show, I found myself writing my “To Do List” on the coffee table.

The other thing that got me thinking about what is and isn’t funny was a botched collaboration attempt with a friend, for our comic strip, “The Malaprops.”

I asked my friend to be a guest illustrator and I sent him a few scripts. Instead of just a simple no or yes, I got a dissertation on the “correct” way to write a comic along with revisions. You can imagine my response. No it wasn’t that bad. We’re buddies. But it made me realize that two people truly can have completely different view points on humor. I know this is no amazing revelation, but I just assumed humor was obvious. Apparently it’s not!

So what or whom do I think is funny?

Chelsea Handler on “Chelsea Lately.” Her monologues are just OK, but her biting wit on the round table is priceless. And of course there’s Chuey.

Seinfeld. The writing is masterful. And the cast. Perfect frankly.

C.S. Lewis. The Screwtape Letters. Wicked!

Dilbert. I’m amazed that the strip is funny day in and day out.

The Hangover. I laughed out loud……..Four times. That’s rare.

The Colbert Report. What’s so funny, is that I never quite know if he’s serious. He keeps me guessing.

Richard Pryor, before he lit himself on fire.

Kids. Not necessarily my kids, although I think they’re funny, but kids in general. Their enthusiasm just cracks me up!

Monty Python. At least I used to think it was hysterical. I watched the “Holy Grail” with my oldest a few months ago and I still thought it was good, but not as good as I remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was my 30th time watching it. Oh damn, that number keeps coming up.

So maybe funny can’t really by pinned down. It wouldn’t do well in the UFC Octagon because it can’t be forced into submission. It’s subtle and nuanced just as we are. And clearly our sense of it changes over time as we “evolve” and grow.

But damn, “30 Rock” just isn’t funny!

Please share what’s funny to you.

And will SOMEBODY PLEASE enlighten me on this “30 Rock” thing. I truly would like to follow the masses. I’m all about being a worker bee.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Here is the fourth installment of our comic strip.

Here is a guest comic strip we wrote for Decaffeinated Coffee. The comic strip  is drawn by the very talented Chuck Harrison. Today’s post is our recent collaboration.
Check out more of Chuck’s great work on his website, DC Strip.

This is episode #4 of the second season of “Bob the Vegan.”

Read the first three episodes to get caught up.

Speed Dating

The New Job

The Boss

Episode 4: The Handyman

Bob is meeting up with Dan and George.

Bob: Hey Dan, nice to see you.

Dan: Nice to see you too. (They do the man hug)

Bob: Ever since you moved in with Victoria it’s been radio silence.

Dan: I know, I’m sorry man. It’s just, she’s keeping me busy. She’s such a freak!

Bob: I’m assuming, that’s “freak,” as in Freaky!

Dan: You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Bob: You’re right, and I don’t want to know.

Dan: Suit yourself……..hey, I thought George was coming too.

Bob: He said, he’d be here, so I’m sure he’s just running late. You know he started his own business as a handyman?

Dan: Really!?? I didn’t know! So cool! Hopefully that will keep him busy. It’s sad about Amy and him breaking up.What’s the latest on that?

Bob: It looks like the divorce is going to go through in a month. He’s pretty bummed, so don’t bring it up. I want to have fun tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy’s night!

Dan: Here he comes now……Yo, George!

George: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.

Dan: Hey old buddy, it’s been too long.

George: Way too long!

(They do the man hug too. Bob as well)

Dan: So George, how’s the new job. I didn’t know you were a handyman now. In fact I didn’t know you could fix anything??

George: Yeah, I learned from my Grandpa. He was a handyman too. It’s fun. But I’ve got to tell you what’s been happening.

Bob: What do you mean?

George: Let’s get a beer first and I’ll tell you about it.

They order. The drinks arrive.

Bob: So what’s going on?

George: OK. So I’ve gotten a few small jobs  in town. The usual stuff. You know, painting, hammering, etc. Well anyway, I get this call to do a job in the Heights. You know, the ritzy, snooty suburb about twenty minutes west of town.

Dan: Yawn.

George: What?

Dan: Is this going to be some lame work story?

George: Will you please chill and listen!

Dan: Fine.

Bob: And??

George: So I show up at this big ass house. A woman answers the door. She was probably in her early 50s. Very nice. Great shape.  Apparently her sink was clogged or something.

Bob: Her sink’s clogged?

George: Yeah.

Dan: Hmm…..this is getting more interesting.

George: No, it wasn’t like that. Her ACTUAL sink was clogged. So I’m working and she’s chatting away. Recently divorced. Her ex was a businessman. Traveled a ton and cheated on her in every state. So I’m nodding along, but by now I’m really just trying to fix the sink so I can get out of there. The conversation is starting to make me a bit nervous. So I finish up and start to pack up my things when she says she almost forgot that her washing machine has been acting up and would I mind taking a look at it. She says she’ll pay me for my time. So I say fine.

Bob: OK, I’m nervous to know what’s coming.

Dan: I’m not. This is better than I thought.

George: ANYWAY……so we head down in the basement and we go into this small room where the washer and dryer are. She says, that it’s not spinning properly or something like that. So I put down my tools and I’m looking inside the washer for a minute. When I turn around to get a tool to tighten a screw, she’s completely naked.

Bob: WHAT!!!

Dan: I knew it!

George: It’s even better. She comes over and leans against me and says she’ll pay me whatever I want.

Bob: Are you serious?

George: Yep.

Dan: Nice!

Bob: So what did you do?

George: What did you think I did?

Bob: I hope you you thanked her for the offer and got the hell out of there.

Dan: Are you nuts Bob!! Please tell me you took her up on her offer George!

George: You damn right! I hoisted her right up on the washing machine. I guess it was never broken, because she turned it on while we were doing it. Seemed to make her go crazy! And I wasn’t arguing.

Bob: You are crazy.

George: No, I’m not. And still I haven’t gotten to the best part.

Dan: What?? What??

George: She paid me five bills for my time.

Bob: Five hundred dollars!!!

George: Well, I did fix the sink. And technically the washer too.

Dan: Wait, let me get this straight. You were there for what, two hours. You did a little work and got laid. And on top of that you got paid half a grand?

George: All true.

Dan: SWEET!!!!! High five my man! (They slap hands)

Bob: So now you’re a gigolo?

George: Oh c’mon Bob. No harm, no foul. She was happy as hell. I was happy as hell. She’s loaded. I’m broke. What’s wrong with that?

Bob: You had sex for money! That’s what’s wrong. And you took advantage of a poor divorced woman.

George: Bob, you need to stop being such a goody, goody boy, or we’re going to kick you out of the sewing circle.

Bob: Fine, but this is trouble in the making.

Dan: Bob, I see no harm in this. George had some fun. And he made some serious coin doing it. So I say, good for you George!….. When are you going back?

George: And now for the best part. I’ve been going every Thursday for the last three weeks!  I do some chores around her house and then we go at it. She loves doing it in whatever part of the house I’m working in. I guess the smell of construction and sweat makes her horny.

Bob: Nothing good is going to come of this.

Dan: Oh lighten up Bob, it’s all good. This is exactly what George needs. Let’s have another beer! Maybe talking about work isn’t so bad.

George: So Bob, how’s the coffee shop?

Bob: Don’t even go there.

Bob and Torrie at Bob's house.

Bob: So what do you mean you're not getting your needs met? That sounds kind of ominous.

Torrie: No, I don't mean like that.

Bob: Well, what do you mean?

Torrie: First of all you're never available anymore. And when you are, we never go out!!

Bob: Torrie, I have a new job that I like. I'm lucky to have one in this economy, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan. How can you work in a coffee shop?

Bob: Vegans can drink coffee, they just can't put milk in it.

Torrie: Well what about the sandwiches you serve? Those aren't vegan. Doesn't that bother you?

Bob: Well we also offer sandwiches that are vegan. I'm trying to make the place as progressive as possible. The owner really likes the direction I'm taking it and he says business has never been better.

Torrie: Well, I'd watch him as well. He's after you too.

Bob: What are you talking about? Thomas isn't gay.

Torrie: Oh please, he's totally gay.

Bob: How do you know?

Torrie: How do I know? I'll give you three examples. One: He calls himself Thomas instead of Tom. Two: I know for a fact he prefers a bath over a shower. Three: He has a membership to Remy's Gym. And you know the rumors about that place.

Bob: How do you know all this stuff?

Torrie: Well, I, um…….

Bob: Torrie????

Torrie: OK fine, I've been following him.

Bob: What!!! You've been following him?

Torrie: Yeah, I've been following him.

Bob: I can't believe this. Really? Why?

Torrie: Please, I've seen the way he looks at you. I wanted to find out if my suspicions were true.

Bob: Wow, I'm shocked.

Torrie: Well, it seems like you've got a bunch of admirers over there.

Bob: Torrie, it's just that one customer and he's totally harmless. Not Thomas. And even if Thomas is gay, he's totally professional and totally cool. I like him. He's become a friend.

Torrie: Yeah right. A friend with benefits.

Bob: Is that what this is all about? When you say you're not getting your needs met that's really just you being jealous?? Over my boss? Who's a guy? Even though you know I love you. (Pause) You know what, I'm beginning to wonder.

Torrie: Oh you are??!! Well, I'll have you know that I've got a lot of admirers too.

Bob: I bet you do.

Torrie: Yes I do. You'd be surprised at how many guys take my Step Class.

Bob: Well that's news to me. Are you threatening me?

Torrie: Nope, I'm just saying I have admirers too.

Bob: That sounds like a threat. I thought we were well beyond this kind of interaction. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or paying that much attention to you, but I'm trying hard to focus on myself and my career. It's exciting, don't you understand that?

Torrie: Yes, but there has to be a balance.

Bob: Yes, but balance is created over a long period of time. I agree, it's a little out of whack right now. But that's how things work. You've been talking about going back to school. Well if you do, you'll be extremely busy and that's the way it will be. You'll have no choice and you'll expect me to be supportive. Well, that's what I'm expecting, or I should say, hoping, you'll be now. (Pause) But please, don't threaten me. That's just not good for our relationship. And it doesn't work for me at all. (pause) (Sighs) Even though I'm pretty pissed, I will say to you that you don't have anything to worry about with my boss, any guy or any other girl for that matter. So enough already. Don't you trust me?

Torrie: You're right. Damn, I just get so worked up. I'm sorry Bob. I do trust you, more than anyone I've ever been with, but you know how I am with trust in general.

Bob: We can work on that together, but you need to work on that by yourself too. Maybe there's someone you could talk to?

Torrie: You mean a therapist?

Bob: Maybe. I mean anyone. Sometimes it's good to get another opinion and some objective insight.
It's something to think about.

Torrie: OK. I will think about it. But for now, how about helping me with some of my other needs?

Bob: Sounds good to me. Come here you! I do have one need in particular that requires your special attention.

Torrie: Yum!!! I'm glad I'm not a vegan.

For smaller screens just click on the comic to enlarge!

This is our third installment of “The Malaprops.” See the categories section for the first two.

Today we have a very special guest artist, Chuck Harrison. For more on Chuck and his daily comic strip, check out his website, Decaffeinated Coffee. It’s definitely worth a visit!

Also: “ONE of THE GUYS” will be making an appearance in the near future as a guest writer for his strip.

Special Note: THE GUYS are making some big changes very soon. So just a heads up. We’re going to be using The Guy’s Perspective Dot Com very soon as our new URL. Our look may be changing as well, but we’ll still be bringing you the same content you’ve come to expect from THE GUYS!

We’ll keep you posted. Thanks for visiting. And come again!!