The Guy’s Perspective

“Ann Raider: Staying the course” by Saelen Ghose

It’s a quiet morning, still dark outside. A light is on, in an office, where someone is sitting. Thinking. Creating. Problem solving. Looking for every angle to propel her company forward into an uncertain sea, littered with the remains of companies who have lost their way in one way or another. This person summons all of the knowledge she’s acquired over her long and storied career as a businesswoman and entrepreneur for a single purpose: to make her current company successful. This person is Ann Raider, CEO of inStream Media.

When I found out her office was in Wellesley I was thrilled to not have to deal with the traffic and parking hassles of driving into Boston. (Sure, I love going into Boston, like most people, but preferably in small doses.) This choice of location was intentional. Raider’s team lives out on the 128 belt, all relatively near the office. She wants them happy, because a stress free team means a more creative and productive team. Which is also why she has an open door policy to her personal office, where a carefully placed candy jar invitingly sits—in case anyone needs a “pick-me-up” during the day. Or an excuse to talk.

Ann Raider’s entrepreneurial journey began at an early age. “I come from a family of entrepreneurs,” says Raider. “My grandfather was a single store supermarket operator. My dad ran an institutional baking company, and my uncle had a candy company.” Growing up in an environment where people ran and operated businesses independently led Raider to business school at Michigan State where she graduated in 1970. Which begs the question: what was it like for a woman at that time to be part of a male dominated business world?

“Fifty percent of my business school class wouldn’t speak to me,” says Raider. “They weren’t sure why I was there. When my roommate and I went out to look for jobs we had to interview with far more companies than the rest of our [male] classmates because most places didn’t think we were serious about getting jobs. They didn’t think we were serious about our careers. Back then women had to work longer hours to show that they could get the job done. We had to prove we were more effective than our counterparts because we were women.”

Forty years later there’s no doubt about Raider’s ability and staying power. Preceding her current position as CEO of inStream Media (www.instreamglobal.com)she served as CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) of Vertis Inc. from 2005 to 2007. There she oversaw Vertis’ goal to help clients more effectively market and advertise their products. Before that she was SVP (Senior Vice President) of sales and marketing at News America Marketing. She also co-founded CCMI, a leading international loyalty-marketing firm which later sold to News America Marketing. The list of her accomplishments goes on and on. Stand down “doubting Thomases,” as she calls the people who once questioned her passion, smarts, and longevity.

Right place. Right time. Right Message. This is one of inStream’s slogans. The marketing services company helps other companies interact with consumers inside stores and out. “We distribute targeted messages for retailers and national advertisers through multiple touch points. The foundation of our company is printing on the front of a receipt, a message with a call to action and an offer.” I blurt out, “Like CVS does?” It’s the only company I can think of at that moment. She smiles. “Yes, only we do it with graphics.” But more importantly, Raider says, inStream is agnostic—an interesting choice of words. “We can point the message to a printed receipt or an e-receipt. We can point it to a mobile phone, we can send it to a website, or we can send it via email. We can do any of that.”

The founders of inStream envisioned messages displayed with graphics on every receipt in America. So when Raider was brought on board as CEO in 2008, she identified that as the core business. So far, inStream has printed several billion receipts. But Raider realized the path to ultimately making a purchase is in constant flux. Customers might research a product online and then purchase it in the store. Or they might see something in the store, and then call an 800 number to get it. “If they’re a digital shopper you might give them a different message than an in-store shopper,” says Raider. “In essence we’re in the content management business. We know how to send messages, but it’s more about identifying how customers would like to be talked to.” Perhaps a few words should be added to the inStream slogan: Right Person. Ann Raider. It seems inStream is also good at identifying talent.

Amazingly enough, Raider still has enough energy to give back to the business community even after the long hours she puts in at the office, and at home. She is committed to helping young female entrepreneurs succeed in the business world. She was one of the twenty founding members of The Network of Executive Women, an organization devoted to the advancement of women in the retail and consumer products industry. She is also a guest lecturer at Babson Entrepreneurial School.

The only thing missing for Raider personally is a better balance of work and fun, which is difficult to do when running a company. “The work environment at inStream is intense because everyone cares about doing the right thing,” says Raider. “A lot of us work very long hours. We want the business to be successful. It’s like raising a child. There’s an obligation to grow this person.”

Well, raising a child is a 24 hour a day endeavor, and Raider understands the commitment it takes to be successful. Long after many of the doubting Thomases have retired, or burned out, she is still at it, light on, solving problems, thinking creatively, meeting goals, and preparing for what’s next.

Contact Saelen for memoirs, ghostwriting, and obits at: sghose@theguysperspective.com.

Read some of his other interviews:

Matt Lauzon: The relationship Guy

Jules Pieri: Daily Grommet 

Matthew Growney: Connecting the unconnected 

Jason Gracilieri: Turning Art 

Is there anything worse than being a Turkey on Thanksgiving?

Probably not, but being single is a close second. But is it?

The biggest problem with being single is that everyone feels sorry for you. On the one hand it’s nice that people are looking out for you. Being alone on a major holiday can be a bummer. But the fact that everyone feels the need to invite you to their home only amplifies the obvious: That you have no place to go to, and no one special in your life to share the holiday with.

But there are advantages to being single on holidays.

1. Sometimes being single, far away from your family, is not such a bad thing. This way you get to avoid the family get together. Because to avoid the family get together also means to avoid the family drama, for which there will always be some. Whether it’s some secret that gets revealed by a drunk uncle who’s had too much wine before the Tryptophan has kicked in and knocked him out, or some thoughtless cousin who makes some rude remark about the food—which causes a huge ruckus in the kitchen and an uncomfortable silence during dinner—there’s always some drama. And who needs it? Because it takes at least two weeks of chocolate and naps to recover from it all.

2. But seeing the drama unfold in someone eles’s family is awesome. There’s certainly something pleasurable in witnessing other families actually have some level of dysfunction too. Even those Perfect Families.  So be sure to accept that invite to get your front row seat.

3. You have choices. You’re mobile. You can turkey hop until you find the house with just the right combination of food. You can find the house with the biggest Flat Screen TV to watch the football games, or you can excuse yourself right after dinner without feeling guilty. No one will be angry with you if you leave; they’ll just feel sorrier for you, which you’ll be able to milk for all it’s worth at a later date. Yeah, like Christmas. Bring on the gifts!

4. You can stay home if you’d like. That’s right. Pick up an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken with Black Bean Sauce at the local Chinese place, and a bunch of video rentals, and spend the day on the couch. (Listen to our Podcast about this very topic. Episode #49 “Nerds & Jocks, Turkey and Funny Women” ) There’s nothing like Chinese food and a movie during a major holiday.  Judaism: 101 and Greetings

5. Make up your own holiday. They’ve got to start somewhere. Why not with you? Remember Festivus on Seinfeld?

So if you’re reading this and you’re not single, we ask you to open up your hearts and open up your homes. Because this is the holiday for giving. Just don’t be surprised if your invitation is rebuffed. Single people have choices. And it’s likely they actually have something way more interesting planned than you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy,

THE “single” GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter. Who knows, maybe you’ll get invited over for some pie? @TGPBuzz

“Freedom” by Jonathan Franzen – It’s as if the author was secretly dipping into the collective guy consciousness and then expressing it much more clearly than we ever could. Brilliant but annoying. The book has it all: good looks, and the brains to back it up. This is a must read for your man-he’ll learn more about relationships in this one experience than he ever did from his mom-but only if you can get him to commit to the 562 pages, something he can’t experience in the bathroom.

“The Book of Bad” by Christopher Lee Barish – If your guy likes Maxim magazine he’ll love this book. It’s funny, and surprisingly insightful. Although we don’t condone all the topics-chapters on cheating and affairs-some of the introductory paragraphs are laugh out loud funny. And where else can he learn how to create an alias, evade surveillance, or pass a polygraph test?

“The Shadow of the Wind” by Carlos Ruiz Zafon – This book was published in 2001, but if you’re looking for a good mystery-that isn’t your man’s wardrobe, or anything else related to him-this is the book for him. It might also teach him a touch of chivalry, which could go a long way for your relationship.

“Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief” by Rick Riordan – We know it’s a book for kids. Well so what? Your guy will love it for obvious reasons. It’s easy. It’s fast. It’s action packed. It’s already been made into a movie. And if he likes it, there’s a whole series to choose from. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

“The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White – If you’re sick of your guy using “like” every other word, this is the book for him. He’ll learn the basics of writing-not that he’ll care-but it’s short enough where he can consider it bathroom reading. Isn’t that where he absorbs most of life’s lessons? Like seriously.

The E-reader: If you want to take this to the next level, give your guy one of the many choices of e-readers and load them up with all the books listed above. He’ll be psyched. Kindle. The Nook. Sony Reader

And of course there’s always the ipad.

Feel free to ask us about any other title you’re considering. We’ve read all the classics too.

We’ll be adding to this list from time to time.

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago and now I hardly ever talk on the phone. Of course this irritates my wife to no end. “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys. Talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick, and instead enjoying the work being done for them. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s even more painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men at insurmountable odds; under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more problems with communication via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, and  humor all get lost when the written word isn’t carefully crafted; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person was truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical; but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or my kids, is that they should feel like the only one in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.
How do you think technology fits into personal relationships?

How do you use it?

What do you like about it?

What do you dislike about it?

Where do you think it’s headed?

Written by: “One of the Guys”

I was away on vacation these last four days, enjoying the unique summer culture of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Had I stayed home, the heat would have been suffocating in my non-air conditioned house. I heard rumors it was in the mid 90s all week, so I felt myself doubly blessed to be enjoying the ocean AND the air-conditioning at the hotel we were staying at.

One thing I enjoy while on vacation, is getting up really early and exploring. This could mean either biking, walking, or driving around town, possibly sipping an early morning cup of Joe, and enjoying the quiet. Once I find someplace I fancy, I’ll often stop and park myself, pull out a book or the local paper and read.

These morning excursions are also a time where I think. One of the main things I think about is how can I make my “everyday” life more like a vacation. Don’ laugh. Sure, that’s probably impossible, with all the responsibilities and duties I have as an adult and a parent, but it still must be possible to create a situation where everything doesn’t feel so overwhelming and stagnant.

I don’t intentionally try to keep up with the Jones’s, it just kind of happens organically, if such a thing is possible. Most of the time, I feel like I’m rowing with part of  my rudder missing. I just keep spinning in a circle no matter how hard I paddle. And it’s annoying seeing everyone racing ahead while I create my own little whirlpool.

So I write this longing for more simplicity. Vacations create this illusion that life is a rudderless journey, enjoyed by those who take in the scenery. I’m trying hard to jump on board with that notion. It sure sounds good on paper, but that zen-like state is harder to achieve in real life.

Either way, we had a great time on vacation. Short, but sweet, and we all left longing for more, which is really how it should end.

Would you like to be a kid again, living a more carefree existence?

How do you keep up with the rat race? Do you even try?

Is it possible to make your life look more like a vacation?

_______________________________

I have to chime in on Lebron James. All the media is berating him for being an egomaniac and creating a look-at-me circus around his free agent announcement. This all may be true, but they are overlooking some important aspects of who he is.

Maybe Lebron’s head has gotten a bit big. I actually don’t think so based on his standing in the NBA. He IS the most dominant player in the league. Kobe might have the best jump shot, but he’s not in the same league as Lebron. Put Lebron on the Lakers and they don’t almost choke away the championship to the Celtics. In fact they sweep them. But that aside, Lebron has become bigger than just basketball. He’s a world wide celebrity. Yes, Lebron really is that big.

And I say these things because I’ve only been impressed with how he’s conducted himself. He hasn’t gotten into trouble with the law. He’s respectful of other players in the league.  He treats his teammates well. He’s well spoken. He loves his family. And overall he’s been someone that I’m happy my kids love. I can’t say this for Kobe Bryant or some of the other top players in the league, who’ve all believed the hype at one point or another.

I am originally from Cleveland, so it’s sad to see Lebron leave. Just as Princess Leia says, “Obi Wan Kanobe, you’re my only hope,” Clevelanders felt that way about Lebron. And now he’s gone, and they’ve all turned on him. In fact the whole media has turned on him. But not me.

He played hard for Cleveland, only to be surrounded by a bunch of “has beens” and “not -so-goods.” He carried the team year after year, without really complaining that much. And frankly he wasn’t going to win there. They just weren’t good enough, even with a superstar.

So he doesn’t owe them anything more. What’s wrong with looking out for himself? He wants to win and he’s going some place he has a chance to do that. Miami certainly gives him that opportunity, although Chicago probably would have been a better choice. And aren’t those the kind of decisions we make everyday? What’s best for us, our career, our kids, our happiness? Sure we don’t do it as publicly, but most of us aren’t known by 99% of the planet.  Thank god!

So it’s time to for him to move on. And for this former Clevelander, I wish him all the best. Because I always root for the nice guy.

(Hopefully he’ll stay that way!)

Happy Fourth of July!

Written by “One of the Guys”

Summer holds a sacred place in the hearts of men. The warmth changes our perception. We feel empowered to turn possibility into reality. We play as if life weren’t as complicated as it is. We act like children, exploring the endless adventure that summer is. Beaches. Mountains. Bike Trails. Ball games. Amusement Parks. Bars. Barbecues.

As we prepare for our adventures, we lather on sunscreen, trying to prevent the streams of wear and tear on our faces from turning into rivers. We don a hat and the coolest pair of sunglasses we can afford, throw every possible accessory we might need into the trunk of our car, and head out to discover what we can discover. Or more aptly put, be open for what might discover us.

Summer is the season for improv. It’s the time we let life lead us instead of forcing the issue. And that alone makes it special.

But not me. No, my summer looks quite different from that. I’ll be doing Daddy Day Camp.

When I realized that I would be home with my kids all day,  I went into a panic. Yes, I love my kids unconditionally. I spend my days and nights trying to figure out ways to enrich their lives. But spending twelve hours a day, five days a week with three active kids was not something I was ready for.

I knew I would need some structure, so I formulated a plan in the form of Daddy Day Camp. If you’re not familiar with this term, it’s really quite simple. When dealing with three kids who specialize in being hungry all the time, forgetting to use the bathroom when it’s available, fighting over anything and everything, and throwing their stuff all over the house, you need something to stop this endless cycle.

My wife said, “Just get one of those big blow up pools. You know, the kind big enough to actually swim in. They can play in that all summer.”

I said, “But that would mean I have to supervise the whole time. That kind of  defeats the purpose really. I need stuff for them to do so I can get some of my own work done. I need more balance.”

She said, “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks Honey.”

So I instituted Daddy Day Camp.

The first day the kids and I had a meeting, where I handed out the daily agenda.

My middle guy said, “Dad this is summer. You’re not the boss of us. We get to do what we want!”

I said, “Where did you hear that nonsense? I’m the boss until you turn eighteen, or until you’re big enough to ignore me and then back it up. For now let’s go over the agenda.”

Number 1. Wake up. Eat a healthy breakfast without complaining.

Number 2. Practice piano, karate and anything else dad says to do.

(Kids are already rolling their eyes.)

Number 3. Tennis lessons with me. (They have that “OH NO” look.)

Number 4. Read. Draw. Or do something quiet so dad can work.

Number 5. Lunch.

(By now their eyes are coming out of their heads.)

Number 6. Quiet time in your rooms so dad can work. (They’re glancing at each other, so I have to throw them a bone.)

Number 7. Wii time. (Only if you’ve been quiet with no fighting.) (Yeah, right!)

Number 8. Play a sport or go on a field trip.

Number 9. Free time. Hang out time. Relax time.

Number 10. Early dinner.

Kids: Dad, this is going to be the worst summer ever!!

Me: Why, what’s wrong with the plan? It sounds fun to me.

Kids: It’s terrible.

Me: What’s wrong with it? You get to do a lot of cool stuff. We’ll check out some museums. We’ll go to the arboretum. We’ll play sports. I don’t see the problem.

Kids: The problem is, this is not what summer is about!!

Me: No? Well please enlighten me.

Kids: Summer is about fun. It’s about doing nothing. It’s about sitting in front of the TV or playing video games. It’s about shooting baskets without being instructed on the proper way to shoot a jump shot. It’s about us, not you.

Me: Hmm…..You make some good points there. But I’m going to have to veto all of them.

Kids: What? We don’t even know what that means.

Me: It means let’s get started. Number 1. Start eating!

So I hope all of you readers have a great summer. And please do me a favor. Think of me while you sip a cold drink of water, viewing a beautiful sunset, sitting on a vast mountaintop. I’ll be home, unshowered, dealing with the endless cycle of kids.

How do you achieve balance in the summer?

Any ideas? Thoughts? Help??

We’ve had many of our readers wonder about THE GUYS. Well today we’d like to answer some of your questions. So here goes:

You: Is it just one guy or are there a bunch of guys?

Us: The site was started by Sai, aka “One of the Guys” as a dating website writing descriptions for online profiles, but it’s morphed into much more. (Yes, we still do that.) But now we have five other guys contributing to various parts of our site, including the blog, podcast and creative team.

You: So then why the singular Guy’s Perspective.

Us: Guy is a singular term. Basically we are presenting the perspective of the guy, or a guy. How does a guy think? What does he do? What motivates him? What is his next move? Since we’re all guys, we feel we have a pretty good handle on this. Also, The Guy’s Perspective just looks better than The Guys’ Perspective.

You: How old are you guys?

Us: Old enough to know that we don’t know everything. But seriously, most of us are in our thirties and forties. However, we certainly can remember our teens and twenties. Those kinds of memories don’t fade; good and bad!

You: What makes you qualified to talk about relationships?

Us: We’ve gained a lot of insight from our own dating experiences, plus marriage and fatherhood. However, we don’t necessarily have more qualifications than anyone else, just that we’re able to bounce ideas off each other and really discuss all topics thoroughly.

You: What are you guys into besides talking about relationships?

Us: We’re into everything and anything. Here are some interesting tidbits about us.

These are from various guys.

-I love Terry Gilliam movies.

-I possibly make the world’s finest apple crisp.

-I run a beverage company by day.

-I’ve played the piano at Yoshi’s Jazz Club.

-I hate every one of the 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

-I once wanted to travel around the country playing pick up basketball.

-I wore my baseball uniform every day to first grade.

-The songs most played songs on my ipod are: “Going in the right direction” by Robert Randolph. “Local Hero” by Mark Knopfler. “Pride and Joy” by Stevie Ray Vaughn.

-Favorite movies of ours: “Shawshank Redemption” “Pulp Fiction” “Bourne Identity” “Forrest Gump” “Slumdog Millionaire.” Actually the list could go on and on.

-I own a mandolin.

-I am searching for a Jesus shaped spirituality.

-I owned a standard poodle as a kid. She famously jumped out of the second floor window and survived.

-I climbed El Capitan, and slept five nights gaming from a hammock on the wall. (He’s insane!)

-We have 12 kids between us. No grandchildren.

You: Thanks for clearing some things up for us. Can we keep asking you questions as we think of them?

Us: Sure. Ask away. We won’t promise that we’ll answer all of them, but we’ll do our best.

You: Last question. Are you really as nice as you try to portray here?

Us: Yikes. Do you mean, are we really that square? Or are you asking if we’re hiding something?

You: Both.

Us: Let’s put it this way, none of us have criminal records, or anything like that. Jeez! And as far as being square, no question would shock us. We’re not as shy as we seem, and we like talking about everything, even sex. Yeah, we said it. Yes, there’s a little bad boy in all of us.

THE GUYS

Any more questions? Ask away! (We’re not promising, but we’ll do our best.)

Happy Father’s Day!

We do a segment on our podcast called “Father Stories.” Since our fathers were influential in shaping the people we are today, we decided to do an entire segment talking about some of the stories we remember growing up. (And yes our mothers were too, but that goes without saying!)

If you’d like to share a story about your father, please drop us a note and put “Father Stories” in the header. We may just read yours on an upcoming podcast. And if you’re a blogger, we’ll certainly give you some props. Thanks!

Also, there’s been some general confusion about THE GUYS. So we’re here to clear this up. Yes, we are a bunch of guys. Some of the guys write. Some of the guys work on the podcast. And some of the guys work behind the scenes. We also have a creative team. So from now on, some of us will be putting our first names on our posts. Any post written collaboratively will be from THE GUYS.

Hope this helps!

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I’m never late. Or at least I never used to be late.

It seems my urge to be productive has begun to affect my punctual side. Whenever I have 15 minutes of “idle time” I try to squeeze every drop I can out of it. I might try to respond to a few more emails, pay a couple of bills, make a quick call, or even try to fix something around the house. After I’ve done these things, sure enough I’ve well surpassed the 15 minutes I once had, and now I’m late to my next appointment. And of course odds are, I will surely land behind a bus or a truck as I race to make up the time on the road.

If this sounds familiar, you are also suffering from over-productivity. Over-productivity you say? How can someone actually be over productive?  Believe me you can. This circumstance happens when your self-induced production diminishes another experience.

We all do this to a certain extent these days. And technology has made it very easy. When the cell phone was introduced it was used primarily for emergencies: being stranded on the road, being lost, or for reminding our spouse to pick up milk for cereal the next morning. But what’s happened is something no one could have predicted. Cell phones have to a great extent replaced landlines. We talk everywhere, including elevators, cars, business meetings, parties and even on dates. It’s given us ways to multi-task that we could never have conceived. But has it actually simplified our lives and made things easier?

Multi-tasking can be a good thing, but it also has a detrimental effect. It constantly beckons us throughout our days. It makes us scattered and unfocused. And it makes us feel like we should always be doing something. Actually not just something, but more than one thing. And if somehow we can do three or four things at once that’s even better. Of course this never-ending cycle will eventually run us into the ground.

And not only is technology doing exactly the opposite of what it was intended, it’s also reaching into other parts of our culture and diminishing those experiences. “Idle” has become a dirty word in our society, and it’s associated with laziness, aimlessness, and worthlessness. But in my mind it’s something we all should strive for more.

Experiences are being lost every day. They are following the lead of the Dodo Bird. Experiences like reading a good book, or taking a relaxing walk on the beach WITHOUT a phone, or sitting without fidgeting while our kids tell us about their day, are all being squeezed out in favor of screen time. Even books are being replaced by computerized versions of themselves.

I for one certainly like all these new gadgets and inventions. It shows that the spirit of ingenuity and invention is still very much alive in our world. But these gadgets shouldn’t replace and dilute everyday experiences. They should enhance them and give us new ways to actually experience life.

We’ve come too far to start regressing, but let’s make sure that even as we squeeze every last drop out of our day, we at least leave a few minutes to enjoy the lemonade, while taking in a quiet sunset.

Are you a multi-tasker? How so?

How do you think technology is impacting our lives? Good? Not so good?

How many things can you do at once? (I’m expecting some creative things here!)

Do you value “idle” time? In what ways?

Written by “Suburban Guy”

I realized recently that I’ve forgotten something very important. I realized that hidden behind all of my self-imposed restrictions and fears and limitations, there is a spirit within me that wants to feel absolutely powerful and free and beautiful. I connected with this feeling recently while listening to some primal music by a percussion team known as David and Steve Gordon. The song is called Spirit Vision, and it is a very primal and beautiful piece of music that evokes images of being wild and free and strong. You can listen to it here for free:

As I listened to it, I found myself yearning for a feeling of being fully alive, standing on the edge of a high cliff, feeling the wind on my face, tall, strong, brave, in the moment (add tanned skin and rippling muscles for a bonus). My imagination carried me away to a place where I lived as a part of a primal community, where I was respected for my strength and wisdom, where I was deeply connected to the earth and to the people and to a greater spirit, where I was powerful and beautiful. I stood on the cliff looking down, arms extended, overlooking my village, and knew that I was fully alive.

Okay, I know it sounds crazy, and perhaps something from a movie, but think about it. You’ve had this feeling yourself, perhaps after winning a big game, getting the girl/boy, achieving something really big or doing something that earned you lots of praise.  You may not have been half-naked on a cliff, but inside your spirit was soaring. You’ve also gotten this feeling from watching movies. I recently watched Avatar and found it beautiful this way — the main character transforms into a powerful and respected being who takes on life moment by moment with incredible bravery and strength. Think about it. Many of our favorite stories seek to invoke this feeling, the feeling of living a life that is essential, spirited, adventurous, engaged moment by moment, meaningful: Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, and even How to Train your Dragon.

I think the desire to feel this way is there for all of us, but we don’t think we deserve to feel it.

What stunned me is how briefly I was able to sustain the feeling. Way too soon, I felt my mind, my inner critic, step in and remind me: you’re not that! You’re a dopey Dad who’s arms are anything but rippling with muscle and your “tan” is on your forearms and nowhere else. You thinking of yourself as brave and strong is laughable! You can’t remember to give the dog medicine let alone be the wise leader of a tribe of beautiful people. You’re being ridiculous. Get down from there! You’ll poke your eye out! (sorry, couldn’t resist that one…)

You get the idea. I shamed myself out of the feeling as soon as I had found it. The good thing is that one of the lessons I’ve learned in my life is that in order to heal, I have to first know how I am suffering. It’s sort of the internal “bulking up” version of “no pain no gain.” Seeing the gap so clearly between what it would be like to feel expansive and free and what I “allow” myself to feel in everyday life is an amazing gift. The truth is — it doesn’t matter if I think anyone else sees me as a beautiful and wonderful spirit. What matters is that I allow myself to feel that way. Waiting for external approval is a losing game — why wait for other people who are limiting themselves to approve you so you can stop limiting yourself?

The truth is, there is no “entrance exam” or “quality bar” associated with feeling really amazing and free and alive. It’s available to anyone, and everyone deserves it. We just have to learn how to stop our inner critics from telling us to stop jumping on the bed because we’ll break a leg (or get laughed at for wearing a loin cloth on a cliff). Here are some lyrics from a John Mayer song that has now taken on new meaning for me (from No Such Thing):

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you’ve got to rise above

The lie is that you don’t deserve to feel expansive, beautiful, free, and strong.

Once again, I find that music has brought a valuable insight into my life. I think I’ll go out and buy a drum with feathers on it.

Conflict is a natural byproduct of relationships, because people with ideas and opinions often disagree. Unhealthy conflict can cause blood pressure to rise, and turn sane people into raging lunatics. But healthy conflict is very necessary because it helps us address problems that frankly need to be addressed.

With a natural disaster polluting the ocean, political wars ravaging our hearts, and reality TV littering our airwaves, conflict is everywhere. It happens at the office and it happens at home. It happens on ball fields, highways, supermarkets and airplanes. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s essential for our continued evolution.

Conflict has always been the center of growth and exploration because our need to understand motivates us to address it. Scientists work day and night trying to unlock new sources of alternative energy and new cures for old nemeses. Engineers try to solve intricate mathematical puzzles to erect impossible structures above ground and beneath the ocean floor. And kids look out their windows on clear, star filled nights, wondering how it all happened. Conflict is what awakens our human ingenuity, and gets our wheels churning. And it works better than any synthesized drug on the black market.

Conflict also plays a big part in relationships. Two people inevitably will run into some sort of disagreement over the course of their time together. The big three sources of conflict within most relationships are money, kids and sex. Disagreements happen for quantitative reasons – too little or too much- or for qualitative reasons-how we define the experience. But it’s how we resolve these conflicts that ultimately define our partnership.

Sometimes the answers are easy. “If you give me something, I’ll give you something.” That would be called compromise, and that’s born from communication. Sometimes the answers are not so easy, and might take many conversations in the company of a licensed professional. Because we all come to every situation and relationship with our bag of “stuff.” Not necessarily our bag of karma, although that certainly accompanies us too, but our bag of learned responses that we’ve gathered over the years on this planet. And when our “stuff” clashes with someone else’s “stuff,” conflict happens.

Being more aware of the pitfalls that are part of relationships can help us sort out conflict. Understanding that conflict is inevitable is the first step, because it will help us feel more comfortable with it. Because conflict seems to be something most people avoid like a stranger on a quiet city street, in the late hours of the night. But conflict is something that has to be embraced in order for resolution to happen. It’s not fun, but it can’t be ignored, otherwise it just multiplies and gathers momentum, like the germs scientists work so hard to eradicate.

Life should be enjoyed to the fullest, but that doesn’t mean conflict isn’t present each and every day. But just keep in mind that without conflict billions of years ago, somewhere out in the vast universe, we all might not be here today.

THE GUYS

Would you rather deal with conflict head on or ignore it?

What kind of conflict is worth addressing?

How often do you deal with conflict in your life?

How do you deal with conflict in your primary relationships? Spouse, partner, kids?

Dear Guys,

I’m African-American, love my ethnicity, and am fully aware of my history. I also have a sensual leaning for slightly older white males.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the brothers, and latin men can roll the R’s like sin (ooo boy).  However, the majority of my lovers and close male friend happen to be white.

For me and my family this has never been an issue.  But recently a comment was made in a social (and very multi-racial group) that between races was something only the younger generation could fully embrace.

This really struck a nerve with me.  I’ve always believed that true love isn’t color blind, but all accepting.  I never thought of it in terms of generations or age.  Yet I can’t shake the feeling that the statement, may not have been racist, but was very ill-informed.

What do you think?

Liz

Dear Liz,

Great question. We’d love to know the context the statement was made in. However, we’ll still give our opinion on the general topic.

Differences make the world more interesting. But in relationships they are just one more thing to address. Ethnicity, religion, political leanings and class are the big four. But there are more. For as you know, relationships are difficult enough to sustain over a lifetime. Throw one more possible issue into the mix and it only makes it more challenging, especially when raising children.

Honestly, age has nothing to do with embracing differences. In fact we don’t necessarily see more acceptance in the world now. Sure, our country is more integrated in some ways, but when people leave work or school and go home, it’s pretty clear that people who are similar in whatever way, stick together. It’s human nature, and it’s no different for the twenty somethings, forty somethings and sixty somethings. People feel more comfortable with people that are like them.

Sure this country is becoming more and more of a melting pot. And certainly the young people embrace this change more than older people. But generally isn’t that what young people are about? Young people take more risks generally. They push the envelope. They experiment. They explore. And just as their parents influenced them to be more open minded, they’ll influence their kids, and hopefully at some point, maybe 200 years from now, differences, while still being present, won’t be a factor.

THE GUYS are not about ignoring differences. Honestly that just makes the person who is different feel more different. We feel people should embrace differences, even point them out. When it’s obvious, it’s obvious! All this pretending that we’re not different isn’t helping.

So far we haven’t really answered your question have we?

So here goes. No, we don’t agree with your friend.

With all this celebration of differences going on, somehow the white people(European) and the black people(African-American) have still not found a way to celebrate each other and accept one another fully. It’s sad really. Sure, you do. And we certainly do, but the stereotypes and mistrust, still haven’t changed. Yes we’ve absolutely progressed in the last forty years, but it’s a very slow change, and a slower integration than we’d expect.

So when your friends says, “…this is something only the younger generation can embrace….” we say, maybe slightly more. But unfortunately not a lot more.

So no worries. You keep doing your part. We’ll keep doing ours. And hopefully we’ll see the day where this question doesn’t even come up.

THE GUYS

From: One of the Guys

Thank you dear readers for your great feedback and comments on our last post. Although some of you cited examples of pockets of men walking together, the consensus seems to be that men do not in fact walk together much, unless they’re at work. Most of you agreed, it’s not the walking piece that’s uncomfortable, it’s the talking piece that COMES with the walking. Many men just aren’t that comfortable opening up with other men.

But let’s continue this discussion of friendship for a bit and talk about some other types of friendships.

My wife is my best friend. I cherish our relationship. But I also am thankful for my other friendships with men and women. Not having to rely on my wife to provide me with all my emotional support only nurtures our relationship. My friendships actually energize and rejuvenate me, and that positive energy is something I bring to my relationship with my wife and kids. And frankly it’s a lot of pressure to be the “all and everything” for your partner. I think too many women bear that burden.

In previous relationships I would often put friendships on hold for a while. The giddiness of the new relationship was partly to blame, but also my fear that the new person might get jealous if I went out with THE GUYS, or THE GALS. But after a while this just did not sit right with me. I decided that I am who I am, and that includes all my friends.

But having friendships outside our main relationship is a delicate balance for sure. It’s a question of WHY do we have these relationships? And that is often what causes strife in the primary relationship.

Friendships can provide pieces that are missing in a primary relationship, but really they should enhance them or complement them. And since I discussed friendships with GUYS in the last post, I want to focus more on friendships with members of the opposite sex.

For me, my friendships with women provide me with new perspectives. If I have a question about something that’s going on in my life, I love hearing their opinions. I also think that conversations with women are just different. They digress in different ways, and they meander to and fro in more circuitous routes, which I enjoy. But these friendships don’t replace the deep connections I have at home, otherwise that would be a problem. Like I said, this is where people run into trouble.

When I see a man and a woman together, and if they’re relatively the same age, I usually assume they are together in some capacity; I mean romantically. It’s my first gut reaction. So I assume when I’m out with a girlfriend having coffee or lunch that people might think the same thing. And that’s why I rarely have dinner with a girlfriend because I don’t want to give people the wrong impression, especially people I know. Dinner usually connotes romance. That’s why I always tell some of the single GUYS, “Forget coffee, just ask her out to dinner, and that way if she says yes, you both know it’s a date.”  So dinner for me is something I avoid if I’m out with a woman friend. I just would never want to represent my family or wife in a potentially embarrassing way. (Well, sometimes it’s not possible. Just ask her about the last party we went to. But I digress.)

Having friendships outside of a primary relationship is important, but we must be sensitive and aware in order to do this. So for me, my wife knows all my friends. I made a point of introducing her, so she could not only know who I’m hanging out with, but also know these people are not a threat to her at all. In fact, she is now friends with some of these people, which is very nice.

Friendships help me see the world from many different viewpoints. And these deep connections have helped me evolve, and will help me continue to evolve through the stages of my life.

What about you?

Do you have friendships outside of your primary relationship?

How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it possible?

How do you feel about your partner having friends outside of your relationship? And what about with members of the opposite sex?

Any other thoughts about friendship?

Feel free to answer none, one or all of these questions.

We’ll be discussing this more on upcoming podcasts.

From: “One of The Guys”

Tiger Woods is a scoundrel. That we can all agree upon. And if you’re not sure, just ask his wife Elin. She’ll sadly confirm this point.

Tiger has put himself in this position. He had it all. Fame. Talent. Money. Family. Now he has, himself and his one endorsement deal, Nike.

But why are we giving him so much power? Seriously, why!!??

You ready for this.

I used to root for Tiger. He’s a great golfer. No, he’s the best golfer in the world. It’s fun seeing someone from the younger generation try to surpass some of the legends of the past.

Guess what? I still root for him. Why you say? (Many of you might be bristling about this, but give a guy a chance please!)

Why do I still root for him? Because I don’t give Tiger that much power. He’s a golfer to me and that’s it. Just as other athletes are just that, athletes.

You might argue, “What about the kids of the world? We don’t want them rooting for someone who is such a bad guy!” That’s a valid point, but it actually supports my position, because we’re teaching our kids all wrong.

Confused?

Tiger learned from his Old Man. He learned the game of golf, but he also learned how to be an island. He learned how to take care of his own needs and put himself first. How else do you get to be the best player in the world? You have to be completely selfish. There is no other way! Being the best requires complete sacrifice and Tiger gladly did that. He sacrificed his family and the respect of the world to be the best. His dad taught him that because his dad was a selfish scoundrel too.

But in a very important way Tiger has it right. He looked up to his father and respected him. It’s not his fault that his dad was a terrible role model. He was a good son. And that’s what we should be teaching our kids. How to be respectful, attentive, generous, helpful, kind, sensitive, emphatic and curious  human beings.

Instead what are we creating? Entitled kids who walk around thinking they can have anything. And what they can’t have they take. It’s not their fault, they’re learning it from us, not Tiger Woods.

So we need to buckle down, stop pointing fingers at the likes of Tiger, and take some responsibility ourselves. We need to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. We need to teach them how to be solid and caring people. We need to teach them that Tiger is an awesome golfer and that’s all, and not the person they should aspire to become.

And if we do all that, maybe one day we’ll hear our children say this, as they play make believe in the back yard.

Our kids as the announcer: The crowd is tense. It’s the 18th green of the Masters with the tournament on the line. If he sinks this putt he wins it all……(Pause) The stroke looks solid. The ball is rolling. Rolling. It’s. It’s. It’s good. It’s good!! He sinks it! Daddy sinks the putt to win his first major championship!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever hear those words, it will be music to my ears.

So now that you gave me a chance, what do you think? Where do you stand?

Every morning we check to see who’s searching for THE GUYS. We’re curious to know what type of information people are looking for. Unfortunately many people come to our site and leave immediately because we aren’t providing the information they are seeking. So we’d like to address that here, by answering the last batch of  “search questions.”

Here are ten recent searches in no particular order. We’ll do our best to address each one.

1. “Lick my boyfriend’s feet”

Now let’s clarify.  Does he want you to lick his feet and you don’t know how? Or do you want to lick his feet and you’re not sure how to ask him? Either way it’s not something we recommend doing on the first or second date, especially if he’s just getting over a case of athlete’s foot, or hasn’t filed down his corns. You might want to broach the subject after a few glasses of wine; make that a few bottles.

2. “How to tell if you’re being played”

Didn’t we answer this already? Read it here.

3. “Finding a guy who can handle my neediness”

The fact that you’re asking the question should tell you something.  No man or woman truly wants to be with someone who’s needy. Sure we can all feel needy from time to time, especially when the balance is off in our relationship, but if you’re a needy person and you know it, maybe you need to ask yourself, “Why am I so needy?” Address that first and then come back and visit. You might find some other answers you’re looking for here.

4. “Alpha males and chores”

Are you saying your man doesn’t want to do chores because he’s an alpha male? If so, who anointed him? But honestly, we really don’t care who he is. Tell his butt to get up and pull his weight. However, the bottom line is, if you married this man BECAUSE  he was an alpha male, good luck. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Sorry.

5. “Alpha males never marry”

What’s with the alpha male questions? OF COURSE the stereotypical alpha male gets married. And then he cheats with strippers from Vegas. Sound familiar?

6. “Bad things happen to comic book guy”

What?

7. Best way to paralyze a person

Um, excuse me? Did you just ask what we think you asked? We’re not sure what’s more alarming, the question, or the fact that Google sent you to our site.

8. “Blow job from a guy’s perspective”

C’mon, this is not a “How-to” site, although maybe it should be. (We’ll percolate on that one.) As for your question, we think you can figure this one out on your own, or by watching the 20 million videos covering the topic.

9. “Guy did not hold the door for me.”

Is this your boyfriend or some random guy? It’s our feeling that common courtesy is on the downswing, mainly because people are so busy, stressed and wrapped up in their own worlds to notice the other people around them. If this is your boyfriend just say to him, “If you don’t hold the door for me, I won’t lick your feet anymore!” That should do the trick.

10. Dating two guys at once

Not sure what you’re looking for here. Permission?

And there you have it. Please feel free to add to any of our explanations. And if you truly have a question for THE GUYS, please email us at:

advice@theguysperspective.com

Happy Licking!!

From: “One of The Guys”

Creativity seems to be a lost art, and it’s only getting worse. Couples rely on movies and take out to fill the weekend nights. Kids power up their video games to be entertained and the rest of the world surfs the web to get a glimpse into the lives of others.

Am I different? Not completely! And it’s scaring me.

For a long time I stopped reading books. I didn’t have time with my babies being, um babies, so I resorted to magazines to keep up on my reading. Quick, fast, entertaining and easy! This past year I started reading books again and it took me a long time to actually figure out how to read a book. I’m totally serious. I actually forgot how to “see” it in my mind, keep the characters straight, and follow the plot. This was due to my learned, short attention span, and my lengthy hiatus from the world of creativity.

But I managed to get it back slowly, and now I’ve realized that creativity can be lost too. Great, another thing to worry about! And I especially worry about it with my kids. They are creative, but only when it’s easy to be creative. They haven’t learned how to cope with “boredom” because they lack the vision to create something from what’s perceived as nothing.

So what’s happened to creativity?

Are relationships failing because creativity has become a dying art?

What do you think?

The truth is, we don’t NEED to be creative anymore. We can get many of our needs met without doing much mental work at all. So what happens is we fall into a routine that slowly wears away our mental sharpness.

But where does this all start?

I’ll tell you where. It starts at a very young age. In fact, right at my house.

Here’s how:

Let me start out by saying, I hate the Wii. We bought this video game system for our kids because they’d been begging for it for over a year. Not that their begging necessarily determines our actions. They’ve also begged for Pellet Guns, Guinea Pigs, Motorized Scooters and another sibling, for which they’ve gotten none.

Video Games have become part of “water cooler” talk in schools around the country, just like Pet Rocks, Smiley T shirts, Happy Days and Saturday Morning Cartoons were for me. We felt that it was important for our kids to be able to participate in those conversations, so we went ahead and told Santa to bring the Wii. We figured we could just limit it to weekends and that would be OK.

But here’s what’s happened.

It’s become the default game for them. And it seems to have drained them of all of their creativity.

Them: Dad, can we play the Wii?

Me: No, not right now. Think of something else to do.

Them: We’re bored. There’s nothing to do.

Me: Well, what did you do BEFORE you got the Wii?

Them: We can’t remember.

Me: What about Bionicles or dolls or sports? You used to like that.

Them: We just want to play Wii.

Me: Didn’t I just say no?

Them: C’mon.

So annoying. So I make them write a list of ten OTHER things they like to do. My oldest, who’s Mr. Make Believe has no problem with this. My daughter does it to please me. But my middle child. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: Dad, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Really? Nothing? Really?

Him: No, I can’t think of anything.

Me: Do you want some help?

(Silence. I interpret this as a yes…..mistake…….so I start trying to help…..big mistake!)

Me: Well, what sports do you like?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: You like baseball. And basketball. Soccer. What about tennis?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t use any of those things!

Me: What!!? Why?

Him: Because you said them already. Now I can’t use them.

Me: What are talking about!!?? Of course you can use them. You like them.

Him: No, I can’t use them and I’m not putting them down on the list.

(Silence. So I keep pushing it)

Me: What about music? You like to play the piano right?

Him: Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Fine, do it yourself. But you need to have five things written down before you do anything else. You hear me Mister?! (I’ve already caved from the ten things I originally said)

Him: Harumph…..

After twenty minutes he hands me the list. There are only two things on it.

Things I like to Do(His List)

1. Lie in Bed

2. Kind of read

I stare at this list. I think, “Oh my god, this took him twenty minutes to do?” I start panicking. “Now what kind of extra services is he going to need at school? He won’t be able to get past third grade.” I start sweating. “What’s happened to his creativity? Is it completely gone?”

Then I realize it. It hits me like a brick. The Wii has emptied the creativity out of my kids. No, I mean literally. These machines are evil. The truth is, the controllers the kids use are really electronic vacuums that suck all the creative juices out of whoever’s using them. These juices flow into the machine and back to the main headquarters. The gaming companies then use this creative energy to churn out more games and make more money. It’s pure genius!!  But now I’m onto them.

So after pondering  this epiphany I realize I still have my son to deal with.
So I tell him to go to his room, lie in bed and read.

He seemed to like that idea.

Finally I did something right. One of the firsts as his parent.

Now I need to devise my scheme to take down the video game companies. And that’s for another day.

So I ask you.

What’s happened to creativity?

Do you still get creative in your relationships? What kinds of things do you do to get creative? Bring it on!

THE GUYS have worked hard to be fair, honest and thoughtful when writing all of our posts. That’s been our trademark since we launched this site. And that’s what has attracted our readers to us.

But we also don’t believe difficult topics should be ignored, as you read in our three posts about “Cheating.” We offered three different perspectives coming from three different sets of experiences. A tough topic indeed, but one that invited positive dialogue and resulted in many questions submitted to us.

This is what we’re about. Creating a forum for discussion that lends itself to growth and understanding. But it doesn’t always work out that way based on the comments section in our most recent post. (We pulled it. A business decision, not an editorial one.)

Differing opinions, even when direct, harsh, strong or unadulterated are part of all of us. We don’t have to look further than Washington to witness this in  its full blown glory. If you turn on the TV or radio, or pick up a paper or magazine, you’ll see it. It’s everywhere. It’s part of us. We have opinions, strong opinions and we all want to voice them.

We stand behind our guest writers. They brought a topic to our attention that we thought might be interesting to explore, so we gave our opinion and offered space for our two guests to give their opinions. Their opinions were different than ours, but we felt it was a good thing for our readers to get a taste of varying perspectives. Isn’t it better to be in the know, than not?

The last thing we’ll say is, guys in general have been called every name in the book. Meathead, bozo, dickhead, asshole, etc. We’ve been stereotyped in every sitcom as lazy, not very good at listening and not in touch with our feelings. We laugh right along with these jokes because even though we’re guys, that’s NOT US! Somehow we always have the sense it’s the other guy they’re making fun of.

THE GUYS

From “Suburban Guy”…..

Let’s just put this right out there. I’m a man. No doubt about it. I have all the plumbing, and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with singing show tunes, obsessing about clothing, and saying things like “you bitch!” to other men, I’m not on that team (not that here is anything wrong with the other team, honestly). To put a fine point on it, I’m just a regular guy. That said, I’m different in one very big way: I have a purse.

I don’t call it a purse, of course. And, I can’t stand those silly names like “murse” and “man bag.” Holy crap. It’s a bag, just that. I put stuff in it that I like to have with me when I go places. Frankly, it’s very butch looking. I got it for eleven dollars on Amazon as a “messenger bag.” It’s black and cool and I wear it low like a saddle bag on a mule, usually even over two shoulders. I imagine people think its full of gunpowder and lead for my concealed musket. Okay, maybe not.

I used to use a backpack since they are socially acceptable for men to carry. The only problem is that they are ten times too big and you can’t take one with you to a dinner or a party or the movies. Have you ever seen a man enter a fine restaurant with a backpack wrinkling his suit jacket and then tuck it under his seat? Sure, but it’s very rare. Bring one to the movies, and twelve ushers will ask you to check the contents. Like a woman couldn’t sneak a rogue Twix bar or a gallon of Smirnoff in some freakin’ Vera Bradley monstrosity? You could fit a whole watermelon in some of those things!

I can hear you out there, men and woman alike. You can’t help it. You think that a man carrying a bag is ridiculous, silly, effeminate. Wow! Know what, and this surprised me — so do I. As much as I’d like to be brazen about it and take it with me all the time, I still leave it in the car more than I actually wear it into social settings. When I do, I can just feel the eyes and comments all around me (I can be such a middle-aged teen sometimes!).

“Is that man wearing a purse?”

“Is he gay? I didn’t know…”

“Look at fancy-boy with his purse!”

I keep trying, and I’m getting better. Logically, I can’t see what’s wrong with a guy wanting to have some stuff with him wherever he goes. I keep a good book in there, a flashlight, a couple of pens, a notepad to jot down ideas. I added a small umbrella and one of those little ten-packs of tissues. Someday I may even add some Purell. Who knows — the sky’s the limit. Consider this: what we are allowed socially is what will fit into a wallet. Thanks. I’ll fold up a single page of the book I’m reading and tuck it behind my Visa card. Perhaps I could slip a tissue in with my tens and twenties.

The problem is that even though I know the logic is sound, logic isn’t winning out, not yet. I wish I could be like good old Kosmo Kramer sometimes, just not give a rat’s ass about what other people think — hair sticking up, plaid trousers with a rumpled shirt, wearing a bag over the shoulder. I know a lot of celebrities are carrying bags now. I saw a picture of Brad Pitt with one (also wearing a goofy knit hat that screamed “I’m so attractive I don’t even look bad when I try.”). But, I guess I just don’t have that sort of moxie. I’m working on it.

The whole thing is really very silly, really. In some countries, men wear dresses and skirts. Not yearning for that, but in comparison, you’d think carrying a little ten inch black bag ought to be as easy as wearing a pink shirt, right? Oh, yeah, I forgot. I still haven’t gone there either…

Written by:  “One of The Guys”

Hair(As defined by Webster): Any of the fine, threadlike outgrowths from the skin of an animal or human being.

Body Hair(As defined by The Guys): Any of the above mentioned hair that grows all the places we don’t want it to.

The topic of body hair was brought up recently at one of our round table discussions. Apparently a few of our comrades have recently been contemplating full body laser surgery, to remove their full bodied rugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you’ve ever seen the “40 Year Old Virgin” you’ll know what I mean. The hair waxing scene is one of the funniest moments in that movie.

But laser surgery!? Is body hair really that bad? Let’s examine the pros and cons.

On the pro side.

1. It keeps you warm. No  need to put on that extra sweater in the winter.

2. You can hide things in there. Like that piece of gold you don’t want to declare at customs. Very handy.

3. No need to buy a Halloween costume….ever!  The Wolf Man is always en vogue.

4. If you start going bald, you have a lot of real hair to use for the transplant.

On the con side:

1. It’s hot as hell!

2. Forget taking your shirt off at the beach.

3. Sweating is taken to a whole new level.

4. Did I mention it’s hot as hell!

5. And who knows what your partner is really thinking?

And that’s a question we’ll be asking later in this post. What does your partner actually think about this? And is it so bad to call for drastic measures?

Of course I wouldn’t know. I’ve had one chest hair in my time of this planet which I’ve diligently kept trimmed. Although there was a time when I felt the need to point it out to people, just to let people know I was capable of actually growing a chest hair. But I see I might be one of the lucky ones. For now.

I say for now, because body hair is something no man ever really escapes. Eventually hair will grow from every crevice in his body until he is consumed. And it’s already happening to me. Just the other day I looked in the mirror and I said, “Is that a hair growing out of my eye?”

However, the real question is, is there a double standard when it comes to body hair?

A guy can walk around with a carpet on his back and a furry woodland creature on his face and his partner just has to deal with it. But women jump through the proverbial hoop just to rid themselves of a little hair. Especially nowadays, hair seems to be WAY OUT. Here’s what I’ve witnessed, or at least heard about, in terms of women grooming themselves.

Waxing the hair under their lip.

The bikini wax and trim.

Shaving their underarms.

Shaving their legs.

The eyebrow pluck.

And then of course we have the various degrees of grooming when it comes to the private area.

The Brazilian

The French

The Landing Strip

The Isosceles

The Cardshark

And more………….

I mean talk about the pressure! This takes grooming to a whole new level. Women have always had to think about clothes and the way they look on the outside, but now they have to think about what’s going on under the clothes?!  That’s just too much!

For guys, we just have to brush our teeth, wash and comb our hair and put on clean undies. Expectations are low and as long as we’re clean and reasonably kept, we can get away with a lot.(I think)

But now the tables are turning a bit. Like I said, hair is going out of style, especially unseemly body hair. And some of The Guys are taking a hard look at themselves and realizing that maybe their little tree farm isn’t that attractive after all.

As for women, I for one don’t really care what they do with their hair. That’s their business. It’s certainly not a determining factor on why I would or wouldn’t date someone. (Although I’m not longer in the game, so it’s a moot point.) But I’m just saying. “The Patchouli” is certainly fine with me. (Look it up)

But as far as guys go, our body hair is just like the lawns we work so hard to keep immaculate. At the end of the day, the weeds will win out, and our body hair will eventually consume every inch of our bodies.

So I say to my Guys, save yourself some money. Forget the surgery and just let it ride. You’re actually trend setters, you just don’t know it yet. Because when it’s all said and done, even me, with my one hair on my chest, will become consumed by the looming forest.

Men: Do you think we should shave our body hair or remove it permanently? What does your partner say about it? Also, what kind of grooming do you prefer in your partner?

Women: Is there a major double standard going on with body hair? Do you care? How do you like to groom yourself? (Please share if you’d like) And how do you really feel about body hair on guys?

Readers,

Also check out: Part 2: I was Tiger   AND   Part 1: Cheating 

Search our archives for many more posts on the topic of cheating.

Or ask your own question. Go to the “Ask the Guys” page on our site and use the form there.

Thanks,
THE GUYS

Written by “Suburban Guy”

I think often of these lines from the song Woman by John Lennon:

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands…

Remember that “Rolling Stone” cover where a naked John Lennon is curling up at the side of a fully clothed Yoko? Most people find it disturbing. I don’t, not really, even though it’s not really attractive.

Here’s a link to the photo I’m talking about:

Rolling Stone Cover

I know what he’s trying to say, and I solute his bravery to be so open about it. In my opinion, most men, unless they have done inner child work of some sort (like John Lennon did), won’t admit the need they feel deep inside to be connected to a woman this powerfully. There is an inner child who yearns to be absolutely adored, protected, loved, safe. Don’t get me wrong. That’s not all we are in a relationship. We are also strong, spontaneous, and independent in many ways, but the inner child is there for most of us, influencing, driving, even pushing us to the point of frustration and in some extreme cases inappropriate acts.

Some men realize the inner drive of that child and are able to integrate it into life and relationships in meaningful ways. I’m still working on that personally, and I realized how much time and work it takes. But some men are blind to their inner child, and it hurts them and the people around them, often profoundly.

Abusive men are horrific examples of how a deeply wounded inner child can have a devastating impact. In order to appease the needs of their disfigured inner child, abusive men must absolutely possess the loyalty and attention of a woman. The slightest sign of rejection or “disloyalty” (read: a look, a hint of rejection, a sign of independence) sends them into fits of rage.

People who are compulsive cheaters have a similar problem, in my mind (ala Tiger Woods or Eliot Spitzer). For them, they need that feeling of having a fresh romance or intimate encounter, one where all barriers are broken down and the egos merge, essentially — temporary possession of the total attention of a woman. Once that feeling is gone, they start searching for it anew, sometimes the very next day. They are broken and searching for something that will fix them, even if only one night at a time.

To help frame this, let me switch and consider the opposite end of the spectrum — the male who knows his inner child and has healed it in many ways. First of all, this sort of man wouldn’t walk into a relationship that is basically wrong. He wouldn’t choose a woman who his inner child needs to “possess” or who gives his inner child the opportunity to rage the way it never could before. He would choose a partner who he enjoys and who “gets” him. Secondly, he would enjoy the closeness of a good relationship without depending on it. Sex would be an opportunity to share love, warm and gentle, not an attempt to satisfy inner emotional aches and pains. And, finally, he would first and foremost want to help his partner be happy, not because he is hoping to get anything in return, but just because love like that feels really good to give.

Sounds pretty good, pretty normal, right? Yet, how many men are there? I’m not, not yet. And if you check the web for info on marital unhappiness, infidelity, divorce, “sexless” marriages, etc, etc, I think you will come up with a good number on your own. It’s not high.

That brings me back to the naked and courageous John Lennon. With that photo and in many other ways, John was a pioneer on the emotional front,  experimenting with Primal Therapy among other things. Boy do I wish he were still around. We have Bob Dole for erectile dysfunction (odd, but actually pretty brave). If only we had John Lennon working for inner child dysfunction! I think it would help a lot of people to have all of this talked about more.

I wrote this article from a limited perspective. Being a guy, I get the male inner child. But I often wish I understood the female inner child more. I know it exists. Almost no human escapes having a childhood (or just a history) unscathed. What I don’t feel like I know is the shape the female inner child takes in a relationship. Love to hear your thoughts.

THANKS!!!!!

Readers, 

Also check out: Part 1: Cheating  AND Part 3: Inner Child

Search our archives for many other posts on the topic of cheating. Or ask us a question of your own.

Go to the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a note.

Thanks,
THE GUYS

Written by “Mr. Nice Guy” the newest member of THE GUYS.

5 years ago I was Tiger.Relationship, job, personal life completely in shambles.Unfathomable amounts of pain and horrendous feelings of betrayal for my wife, family and friends.Fast forward to today and the picture is that of a faithful spouse and dedicated father with career on the fast track.Relationship with my wife is more close and real than ever before.

Is “Love” Addiction Real?

From my experience, absolutely.As a serial cheater, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, tried to stop several times, but ended up going back to my “high” as a way of coping.The rush addicts get from their drug is chemically pretty much the same whether that drug is alcohol, drugs, sex or food.And it’s not uncommon to get one under control and then have another one rage out of control.Lots of books on this.Patrick Carnes has written oodles on the topic.I know that since I’ve treated my susceptibility as an addiction, it’s been under control ever since.If you treat something like it’s an addiction and then it stops, I think the question of whether it’s an addiction or not becomes secondary.

Can Guys Change or Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Guys can absolutely change … both externally and internally.Been to your 25^th high school reunion yet?If so you know the former is true.The internal changes are tougher.For me it was lots of therapy and TLC from spouse, friends and family.Guys’ (and gals’) brains get wired at a pretty young age and if the tendency to cheat gets wired in, it takes *a lot* of work to change that wiring, but it can be done.And it’s an ongoing process.

How Did My Wife Forgive Me?

I’m not sure how she did, frankly, so what I write below should not be interpreted as me speaking for her – just “best guesses” on my part.I do know that I am eternally grateful to her for taking me back and giving me a second chance.If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope I would show the same strength, character, courage and understanding and forgive her like she did me.We still have heated arguments over it (mostly me listening) and I definitely am still earning her trust back. Forgiveness for stuff like this is not a moment in time, but a long process which requires lots of discussion, reflection, listening etc. I think one key to her forgiving me was seeing how I was taking therapy and recovery program work very seriously.She also knew that I had a very strong track record of self-improvement and knew that I was determined to live a life of integrity and leave the underworld behind.When things first hit, the support of her family and an extremely talented therapist/counselor were absolutely critical in stopping the bleeding and establishing the desire to heal.My wife also knew the addiction/mental illness spectrum up close as several of our friends and family members have battled it for a long time.Her forgiveness has been transformational for both of us.I often wonder what our (and our kids) lives would be like if she hadn’t forgiven me.Her ability to forgive literally saved my life — I am forever grateful to her and love her more than ever.

Have You Had Experiences With This?

Have you ever taken someone back after a Tiger Woods like level of betrayal?Or have you (or some woman you know) been a female version of Tiger and been forgiven?My guess would be that cases like mine where forgiveness is granted are probably the exception not the rule.

Readers, 

Also read,  Part 2: I was Tiger  AND   Part 3: Inner Child

The topic of cheating seems to come up a lot when relationships are being discussed. It’s one of those topics that cuts to the core and often elicits a visceral reaction with the people discussing it.

These are the kind of topics that THE GUYS like to discuss. Meaningful topics that we can shed some light on and give our point of view.

But keep in mind, just because we’re all guys doesn’t mean we all agree, or that we’re cut from the same cloth. Guys are individuals too, we take umbrage with our portrayal as sports loving, skirt chasing, knuckleheads, who aren’t in touch with ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and emotions. In fact, we are all of those things, yes, complete knuckleheads too, combined in a dirty little package that we’ve been told, “cleans up well.”

So this week, THREE of THE GUYS will be giving their opinions on the topic of cheating.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and reactions. Feel free to disagree (some of  you will), agree (we hope you might) or share your personal experiences.

Thanks,

THE GUYS
“Cheating” by One of the Guys 

Up until I read the “158 Pound Marriage” by John Irving, I thought cheating was pretty cut and dry. Cheating meant breaking your commitment with your girlfriend, partner or wife and having some sort of physical/sexual contact with another person. End of story. Cut. That’s a wrap!

But is it really that simple? This cheating thing?

That book got me thinking more about the subject and I began to ask myself questions that I no longer had the answers for.

For Example:

Is flirting cheating? Or wishing you could go home with another person even if you don’t take action?

Is it cheating when a person has an emotional connection with a friend that somehow competes with the current relationship that person is in?

Is it cheating to fantasize about having sex with another person?

What type of physical contact is cheating? A kiss? A full body hug? What?

Once I started digging deeper and talking to my male and female friends, I realized every single person has a different definition of what cheating is for them. I mean EVERYONE has their own set of rules.

Here is one example:

Mr. Do the Right Thing

A friend of mine had basically broken up with his girlfriend, or I should say, she pretty much broke up with him. But they never actually had “the talk.”

He said to me, “But how do I know it’s really over?”

I said, “She left the country and moved back home. (To Europe) I think it’s OK to start dating again.”

He said, “No, I need to wait and officially break up with her.”

I said, “But who knows when that will happen. She doesn’t even answer your phone calls.” (Before email became the way to communicate.)

And sure enough, almost nine months went by before he actually talked to her and had the official “talk.” And by that time, she was already engaged to someone else!!! (Major eye roll by me. Duh!!!)

Another Example:

Mr. Cool

This buddy’s opinion was, if he and his girlfriend weren’t engaged to be married, he was free to do whatever.

I said, “But isn’t that cheating? Sleeping with other women? I mean aren’t you committed to her? Don’t you love her?”

He said, “Well, I guess so, but there are too many beautiful women out there for me to just be with one.”

I said, “Well, then why don’t you just break up with her and sleep around?”

He said, “Nah, I like having a girlfriend.”

I said, “So it must be OK if she plays the field too? You guys have an open relationship then?” (Of course, I have no idea what that really means.)

He said, “Hell no!! If she ever cheated on me, I’d dump her so fast.”

I said, “Hmmm……………”

After having many more conversations like these two, I realized that WHY people cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.

If they’re the kind of person that’s going to cheat, it doesn’t matter whom their with, they’re going to cheat. Simple as that.

But the last piece I’d like to touch upon is VOWS and how they play a part in cheating.

When two people get married they usually say their vows out loud in front of a few witnesses or possibly hundreds. And both people make promises to be true to each other on many levels.

So when discussing cheating, the question becomes, when are the vows actually broken?

Is it only when someone has sexual contact with another person that the vows are broken?

Or are they broken when someone pulls away emotionally?

I know guys who have cheated because their spouses won’t have sex with them. I’m not excusing this or condoning it, I’m stating a fact. In my mind, I think they’re cheating, but in their minds, their wives have already broken their vows, and now they feel free to explore other ways to get their needs met. I mention this because Guys discuss this a lot. And yes, over beers and a game. (That’s where the stereotypes come in.)

Of course, the whole time we’re talking about this I hear the voices of my female friends streaming through my head:

“Well why won’t they have sex with you?

What are you doing that’s causing them to pull away physically?

Do you ever just hug them without it leading to sex?

Or talk to them?

Or help around the house?

Or deal with the kids when they’re out of freakin’ control?”

But I don’t always say what I’m thinking. Sometimes it’s easier to just nod and watch the game.

But bottom line. It’s complicated.

So I’m wondering where do you stand on the subject of cheating? Please share. As always, THE GUYS and I want to learn from our readers too.

Next post: Straight talk from someone who’s been there and back! “Mr. Nice Guy”

To ask us a question, use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page. 

Other posts on cheating:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on? 

I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth? 

Is my boyfriend a cheater? 

Once again THE GUYS would like to thank all of our loyal readers and new friends for supporting us this last year.

In a world dominated by Oprah and The View, THE GUYS are doing their best to carve out a little piece of the pie. Seriously, we think there’s enough room to give our perspective on life, and the relationships that are so vital to us. And coming soon, THE GUYS very own weekly podcast!

Of course, if that isn’t enough for you and you’d like to take one of us home, well we can arrange that as well. We’re pretty easy as Guys go. Scrap that, all guys are easy, but you get our point. Of course you can’t just have ONE of us, you’ll have to take a few of THE GUYS home with you.

So here are your choices:

You can carry us close to your, um…..heart, with this Spaghetti Strap.

Or for a more casual date with THE GUYS, how about this Tee?

And why not drink us up? We’re very tasty!

It’s never too early to become one of THE GUYS. Not to be confused with “One of The Guys.”

And if your Guy has a hard time at the dinner table, why not give him an early birthday gift. Food will stick to this like glue.

And of course for any of you other GUYS looking to mix it up in the bedroom, we had these made especially for you. But your gal might want a pair too, so why not get a couple?

So there you have it. Please visit our Cafe Press store to help support THE GUYS. Your donation would be much appreciated and will help us continue to enlighten some of these other GUYS, and hopefully amuse and inform our female friends.

So take the plunge. Take a GUY home with you. It doesn’t cost much, and we promise, we won’t argue, disagree, or question anything you ever say. Better than a dog, cat or even some small children.

Thanks so Much!

THE GUYS

Coming in our next three posts we’ll be exploring that ever so explosive and touchy subject of CHEATING…………read three different guys’ viewpoints and experiences on the subject.

This is part three of our miniseries, recognizing some of the sites we love. Check them out at the bottom of this post.

The first post we dipped back into time bringing you a piece of nostalgia from our childhood. “The Uniform”

The second post was all about expectations of that “coming of age” event called, “The Prom.”

Now from, “One of The Guys”

Well, this is going to be more of a stream of consciousness post. I’m just going to see where it goes. I like to do that sometimes. I might have a nugget of an idea, and then see how far I can develop it, similar to improvising on a theme when I play music. That’s what improvising is all about. Not knowing where the story is going, but still having some parameters to work with; basically the other musicians, the chord changes (if there are any) and the audience, because surely their enthusiasm or lack thereof dictates how the story is told.

And isn’t that the truth? Isn’t that what life is like? What being a person on this planet is like? One Big Blessed Improv Routine!! I mean seriously. We don’t know what the hell we’re really doing, where we’re going, what’s right, what’s wrong, who we really are. In fact by the time we THINK we’ve kind of figured it all out, we know the story is just about to conclude, and there’s no way to alter the ending.

I think about this a lot when I’m at home dealing with my kids. I try to give them parameters to work with, but I can’t control their own story as much as I’d like to sometimes. Why do I want to control it? Because this world is a scary place. And the older I get the scarier I think it is. Now don’t get me wrong. I work hard to see the beauty in all of it too, and I try not to let my fears paralyze me, or my kids. But now that I do have a family, life somehow seems more precarious, more fragile.

I remember being a bold teen, walking down the city streets alone, and not being scared of anything. Ignorance is bliss.

BUT NOW?

Now, the freaking squirrels scare the crap out of me. I think to myself, if one of those little ferocious beasts actually attacked me or the kids, I don’t think I could fight it off. Seriously! Could you? What if all the squirrels in the world decided to attack at once? We’d all be TOAST!

What does this mean besides that I’m nuts?

It means that we all have to trust in “the order of the universe.” Trust that the sun will come up…..at least occasionally where I live. Trust that darkness will come so we can rest. Trust that our kids will learn their own lessons and grow from them. And trust that the damn squirrels will stick to the trees.

So as I navigate through this world, it’s clear to me that I’m not alone. That no matter how nutty my thoughts are, I know I can just search, “Nutty Thoughts” on the web and find about a million people who think exactly as I do. (I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not, but it’s still amazing)

So what’s the lesson.?

We need to stick together, that’s what. We need to try to understand one another and realize that we all have so much more in common than we don’t.  We need to realize we all care about our families and we all want our kids to grow up and be happy and have opportunities. We all want to sit back and watch a game and root for our team without being castigated or threatened. We want the simple things too. A nice meal with a friend OR by ourselves. A quiet time to think. A good run, or walk. A night out to watch a concert. Some alone time with our honey. Or maybe time to read a cool blog, or find some cool new app on our iphone. (I don’t have one yet) We all just want to live and enjoy the time while we are here. Have fun. And maybe try to figure out where we’re headed after our time is up on this planet earth. Or maybe not.

Sure we’re all unique and that’s what makes this place so damn cool! But until we start acknowledging our similarities, we can’t celebrate our differences, to use a common PC expression. (Don’t get me started about being PC)

And let’s be honest, who the hell isn’t scared shitless of squirrels?

Take some time to check out these great sites. They cover all the things you might be interested in: Politics, Art, Philosophy, Religion,Parenting, Travel, and lots of humor! Enjoy!

Ask Cherlock

Astronomy for Everyone

A Little Girl Talk

Out of Context: Pieces for a Life (aphorisms)

Artistry Infaux

Applause for a Cause

Decaffeinated Coffee

Footsteps (Travels and Journeys)

Jeans Musings

Mad Kane

SuperMommy to the Rescue

Sugar Snow

Superficial Gallery

TJ Lubrano

The Suss

Virtual Synapses

Writing to Survive

Posted by: “Suburban Guy”

I’m in a long term relationship that’s gone sort of cold, and I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of how good a relationship can feel. So the other day, I asked my self: How good could it be? The following little vignette came to mind, and I think it paints a reasonable answer to that question, at least it does for me.

________________________

“The alarm clock goes off on a snowy Tuesday, and my wife leans over to turn it off. When she turns back, I move close and reach over. Lifting her flannel top just a little, I place my hand on her warm, soft stomach. She turns and smiles and then leans in to give me kiss, deep and open, loose and wet. It’s morning, so her breath is a little stale, but I don’t mind. The kiss is really amazing.

She ends the kiss with a little nibble of my lip. “What are you doing this morning with the snow and all? School will probably open late.”

I sigh and roll over on my back. “I have early meetings, so I need to go in regular time.”

Her hand, friendly and gentle, moves up the sleeve of my shirt to rest on my shoulder, her bare leg crosses over mine. “Wish you could stay…”

My whole body is tingling, her touch feels so good, but I know I really do have to get up. I lean in and we kiss again. “You can’t know how much I wish I could.”

I turn to get up, and her hand drops to my stomach and then runs up my shirt to my bare chest. “Maybe tonight, we can find a little time for us?”

I’m glowing inside and hating the fact that I have to leave, but I do. I have to. “That would be really great. I’ll be thinking about it all day now…” Another kiss, and then, “Anything I can do for you before I go, aside from the regular stuff?”

She rolls back, looking disappointed. “If you must go, but sure – can you change the bulb over the sink? It’s out and hard for me to reach.”

“Sure thing,” my feet are off the bed and I stand up. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

All day long, I can’t get the delightful feeling of my wife’s touch off my mind. I keep thinking of how lucky I am to have such an open, loving woman to go home to and I am tingly at the thought of disappearing under the covers with her at night, to laugh and touch and just feel really, really lost in love.

The end (I’m not going to let this get x rated…)

________________________

I know the above could never be the case all the time, but if it was just even occasionally this beautiful and simple, my whole outlook on the relationship would change. I know I own half the equation here and that I’m not always the man in that vignette either, but relationships aren’t solos. They are duets, and that means both players must work together to achieve harmony. The challenge is: how do you get back to harmony once discord has settled in?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this?

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

Our world is changing fast, especially from a technological standpoint. The ability to communicate with anyone around the world has become as easy as turning on the faucet. Cell phones, email, skype and social networking sites all provide access and make the world essentially a smaller place.

So is this a good thing? We say yes for the most part, because with a larger market there are more opportunities. However, this also comes with new forms of abuse.

Privacy has taken a nose dive. It’s easy to find anyone on the planet. And if you ever had dreams of getting off the grid, you were born a century too late.

But people have been ignoring personal boundaries for a long time. These are people who either aren’t aware of personal space or ignore it to serve their own purposes. We call these people,

PERSONAL SPACE INVADERS.

They come in many forms. Some are completely harmless and others are actually quite dangerous.

Let’s take a look at these people in all their mutations.

Close Talkers: Maybe coined by the great Seinfeld episode….These are the people who cozy up to you during a conversation and spray you with saliva bombs and other debris. They are usually completely harmless and are actually quite chummy. But if you know you’re going to encounter one, plan accordingly. Bring an extra change of clothes and a face mask.

Touchers: These are people who touch to accentuate their point. It’s a way to bond. Now in some cases this is sweet and nice, but often it can get to be too much. How do you know when it’s too much? By the bruises on your arms or back the next day. But honestly they do mean well in general, unless they are really a Groper in disguise. You’ll know this when they apologize for accidentally missing your shoulder.

Big Huggers: They are in the Touchers family, but they actually have an agenda beyond bonding. Generally the rule of hugging is similar to the rule of hand shaking. It should be somewhat equal. We hate it when some GUY tries to show how manly he is by squeezing the crap out of our hand. C’mon MAN! Firm is one thing, but this is not a contest. These Big Huggers often get a thrill out of feeling another body close to them, so they squeeze and squeeze. Once again they are generally harmless, but best avoided. And they are everywhere!

Phone Solicitors: These people drove the wagons west and carved the way for the rest of the technological abusers. They call us any time of day and night with no respect for privacy or family time. Now sure, it’s their job, but at some point they might need to ask themselves, “Is it really OK to call on a Sunday night at 9pm?” There is such a thing as Karma….we think?
The general populace has been able to combat them with a variety of measures including the answering machine and caller ID. But it’s still maddening that they even make the attempt. And when you ask them to put you on the DO NOT CALL list, they are polite and sweet, but then their colleague calls you the next day feigning innocence. MORAL: Don’t answer your phone.

Spammers: We’ve been inundated with Spammers lately. We’re not sure what they are actually gaining from their actions, since we delete them as fast as they post. But they are so annoying, like persistent flies or mosquitoes, feeding off our blood.
If anyone has any advice on what Captcha to use, etc. please let us know.
Otherwise we wish we could set up a new sort of Octagon, where the Phone Solicitors and the Spammers could fight to the death. And the rest would be fed to the Stalkers.

Stalkers: These people range from creepy to dangerous and every level in between. Who are they? Possibly spurned lovers, crazies, people who are angry with their life or jealous of someone else’s life. Either way, they use every means possible to unsettle their target. It’s like a home invasion that goes on in perpetuity.
These people are savvy and smart too, using sites like Facebook to assume the identity of their target and then infiltrate his/her world. (Yes, this just happened to “Another One of The Guys.”)
They are very difficult to get rid of.

So, what to do about all this?

All of this technology allows businesses and yes even Bloggers to expand their brand and reach a wider audience, but reaching a wider audience can also mean more problems. But that shouldn’t stop any of us. We can’t let these people slow us down! So keep your radar up and don’t let them get to you.

How do you combat these Personal Space Invaders?

THE GUYS

Conflict is part of every relationship. No two people are going to agree on everything. Sure, we’d like to find someone who is on the same page as us when it comes to children, religion, politics or our favorite sports team. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s still plenty to argue about; think money and sex.

For many years we’ve all heard that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. And that may be true, but it’s not the reason people have conflicts in their relationships. It’s more often about HOW the two people argue and whether it’s constructive or not. When it’s not, often there’s a grudge holder in the mix that has a hard time letting go.

So what constitutes fighting badly?

1. Getting off topic and bringing up the past.

Dragging old arguments into new ones is just bad, bad, bad. But so easy to do! Politicians are good at this.

2. Comparing the other person to someone they know you don’t like.

This is will escalate the discussion into a fight faster than you can say……Dick Cheney.

3. Hurling insults or swears.

Like calling each other a Sarah Palin. There’s no reconciliation after you go rogue.

4. Constantly cutting off the other person to make your point. Or basically not listening.

Or you could call this “Rush Limbaughing” to judgement.

5. Holding a grudge.

Hmmm……..I’m not even going there on this one.

By the time you get to number 5, the discussion/argument/fight is over for one person, but not the other. The second person clings to the problem obsessively, preferring to be right over resolving the conflict. Sometimes, this only lasts for a short while and they they come to their senses. Sometimes it goes on forever and it gets brought up in the next argument, and so on.

This is the kind of argument that goes on in Washington every day. Bad fighting and grudge holding run in perpetual motion 365 days of the year. But we actually now have a president who’s trying to break the cycle and get down to the basic task of fixing this broken country. It’s a shame both sides can’t just work together.

And although, I stand behind the president, there are many on both sides who won’t let go of some of their grudges. For change to happen and problems to be solved, we need at least some of these people to forgive and forget.

But if that can’t happen, we can at least do our best to take care of our own business. We can take care of our little kingdoms scattered across this country. Because in actuality, we aren’t from Venus or Mars, but from this little planet called Earth.

ALL OF US!

THE GUYS

From “ONE of THE GUYS”

When people ask me what I do, I say, “It’s simple. Imagine a jar filled with rocks. The jar is everyday life, the rocks are my kids and my wife.”

“But what about you?” they say.

“I am the sand that gets poured in to fill all the cracks,” I say.

And you know what, that’s exactly what it’s like! I am a musician, writer, and teacher. Basically an artist as one would define it. This pursuit allows me a lot of flexibility in my schedule, so I’m able to make our busy lives a little less crazed, and metaphorically “fill the jar.”

To be an artist and do it “right” you have to immerse yourself in your chosen field, whether it’s composition, painting, writing, pottery, performance or whatever. You have to live and breathe your art. And you have to be open enough to say yes to every possible opportunity. If you don’t allow yourself the freedom to go on tour, or work whenever the muse hits, or move to a new city because you found a better environment to do your work in, you have to figure out a way to enjoy the small victories.

I’ve chosen to live a more “normal” life; one with a family that I actually spend time with on a regular basis. So I am not doing it “right.” In fact, being a  father and husband is diametrically opposed to being a true artist, mainly because of the time and commitment constraints. So, I’m forced to become as malleable as a young child’s mind and say yes to every little job that comes my way. Like this to a prospective student:

“Sure I can teach you. What time? 2am? No problem, I’ll be there after my gig.” When I say yes to something like that, I feel like a cheap whore, willing to turn any trick just to make a buck.

I would argue that anyone who’s living through, or has lived through, the trials, victories and defeats of raising children has much to bring to his or her art. It’s just that there is no time to actually bring it. Sure, some people can do it, but it’s not easy, and it feels contrived somehow to try and fit it in. That doesn’t sound very romantic and certainly is not what a “real” artist would do. A “real” artist sleeps until whenever. Works all day. Meets up with the rest of the local artists at the cafe in the late afternoon. And then after drinks and discussions, resumes working until the wee hours of the morning.

Of course I know that’s total BS and just the way I envision it to be. The world really isn’t like that anymore. The reality is, living costs money, and whether you have kids or not, the bills need to be paid and food has to be bought. So maybe, doing it “right” is all a matter of perception. Hmm…….

So fine, I can live with small victories. A cool gig here and there. A fun recording session; that actually pays! Some great comments here on The Guy’s Perspective, or releasing a CD or book. Because I don’t write this out of bitterness. I made my choices and I’m generally happy with them. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them to be famous.

But damn, it does seem like every time I have something interesting scheduled, something comes up with my kids, my family or just life in general. I mean it’s uncanny, like the fates are conspiring against me.

I know many of you reading this are also struggling with balancing your artistic endeavors with your domestic responsibilities. How do you make it all work? How do you balance things? Do you feel like a cheap whore too?

Well gotta run. Master calls. I got a sick kid who’s ringing the bell for me. Ahh, the life of an artist. Isn’t it grand?

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

As I was walking into the grocery store the other day I saw a friend of mine.
He smiled and said, “How are you?”

I had a lot on my mind at that moment and I proceeded to tell him how I was doing.  When I looked up, I could see the look of horror on his face. Clearly I had violated appropriate social etiquette.

“How are you?” is a simple multiple choice question for which there are only two appropriate answers.

a) Good

b) Fine

Anything else is a breach of “said” social contract which we all unwittingly agree to, in order to function in our complex society.

So does anyone really care how anyone else is? Possibly, but that’s yet to be determined.

So let’s look at three possible scenarios for why this kind of interaction is taking place across the nation on a regular basis.

1. We truly don’t care about other people because we’re too wrapped up in our own little world.

2. We constantly feel like we’re rushing, so we don’t feel like we have the time to really care.

3. We’ve forgotten how to listen. Or we never learned how to listen. Or listening makes us uncomfortable.

I try hard not to fall into any of these camps, but if I do it would be the second camp. I’m overwhelmed with everything I feel I need to do. But much of it is self-imposed. Do I really need to check my email while my wife is trying to talk to me? Or cut the lawn instead of playing with my kids? Or just let time determine my interactions?

As for Guys in general, we are often accused of being in the third camp. Of course being a Guy, I feel like this is totally unfair. Yes, we’re easily distracted, but we do know how to listen, we just need to be interested in the topic at hand. But that’s not really being a good listener is it? It really shouldn’t matter what the topic is. Lending an ear to someone is about getting beyond yourself. The Guys are working on it!

In what camp do you fall if any?

So having said all of that, sometimes I just don’t want to DEAL. So I’ve begun to devise a system that might help us all deal a little easier. It’s pretty easy. Body parts symbolize certain things. You just nod and point. I’ll give you a few examples.

The Easy Way Out: How to not say, “How are you?”

Nod and put finger to mouth: This means I’m good, but I’m hungry. Stay away or you might get bitten.

Nod and point to crotch: This means I need to find a bathroom quickly, so no time to chat.

Nod and stick hands in armpits: Get back for your own protection. I haven’t showered.

Any other suggestions are welcome!

One thing my system makes very clear. You know if you walk by me and I say, “How are you?” I actually really want you to answer…..truthfully!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.

I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.

Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.

She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”

I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)

She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”

I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)

She said, “Have a nice day.”

As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.

When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”

Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”

I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:

For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.

It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.

However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.

If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:

“I’m a bit short staffed.”

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I’m learning more and more that people really do have very different views on what’s funny. That’s weird to me, since I’m pretty sure I know what is and isn’t funny. But maybe I don’t.

Take “30 Rock”  that show with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. Now I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don’t get it. I was at a holiday party last night and this guy kept going on about Alec Baldwin this and Alec Baldwin that. Well you know what? Alec Baldwin is mildly amusing, but he’s not funny. He just isn’t.

I have tried to watch that show on several occasions mainly because I’m a Tina Fey fan. She was wicked funny on SNL, but not really on “30 Rock.” The writing is just ordinary, and these days with so many choices, ordinary just doesn’t cut it. Good stories draw you in. They help you forget your troubles and make you believe in their world. But with that show, I found myself writing my “To Do List” on the coffee table.

The other thing that got me thinking about what is and isn’t funny was a botched collaboration attempt with a friend, for our comic strip, “The Malaprops.”

I asked my friend to be a guest illustrator and I sent him a few scripts. Instead of just a simple no or yes, I got a dissertation on the “correct” way to write a comic along with revisions. You can imagine my response. No it wasn’t that bad. We’re buddies. But it made me realize that two people truly can have completely different view points on humor. I know this is no amazing revelation, but I just assumed humor was obvious. Apparently it’s not!

So what or whom do I think is funny?

Chelsea Handler on “Chelsea Lately.” Her monologues are just OK, but her biting wit on the round table is priceless. And of course there’s Chuey.

Seinfeld. The writing is masterful. And the cast. Perfect frankly.

C.S. Lewis. The Screwtape Letters. Wicked!

Dilbert. I’m amazed that the strip is funny day in and day out.

The Hangover. I laughed out loud……..Four times. That’s rare.

The Colbert Report. What’s so funny, is that I never quite know if he’s serious. He keeps me guessing.

Richard Pryor, before he lit himself on fire.

Kids. Not necessarily my kids, although I think they’re funny, but kids in general. Their enthusiasm just cracks me up!

Monty Python. At least I used to think it was hysterical. I watched the “Holy Grail” with my oldest a few months ago and I still thought it was good, but not as good as I remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was my 30th time watching it. Oh damn, that number keeps coming up.

So maybe funny can’t really by pinned down. It wouldn’t do well in the UFC Octagon because it can’t be forced into submission. It’s subtle and nuanced just as we are. And clearly our sense of it changes over time as we “evolve” and grow.

But damn, “30 Rock” just isn’t funny!

Please share what’s funny to you.

And will SOMEBODY PLEASE enlighten me on this “30 Rock” thing. I truly would like to follow the masses. I’m all about being a worker bee.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I took my five year old daughter to the library last Friday. In fact, every Friday morning we go together. It’s our morning to hang out, just the two of us. I love it. But I hate the library.

We live in a nice town with resources. The library is up to date and modern, but it just aint’ hip. In fact it couldn’t be more un-hip!  Why?

The librarians are evil.

Where do they get these people? I mean, even the people at the DMV are friendlier.

Here’s my latest exchange with one of the Evil Librarians. Keep in mind that I start off being extra friendly. I’ve dealt with her before. Similar to the check out people at Kmart. I always feel like it’s my job to make THEM feel good.

My Encounter

I’m just standing there waiting for her. She’s on the computer and she puts up one finger for me to wait a minute. (Already I’m annoyed.)

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I looked up a book on the reference computer and it wasn’t coming up. I checked it out about six weeks ago so I think you have it here.

Librarian: Let’s take a look.

We walk over to reference computer.

Librarian: What’s the title?

Me: “Spaceship under the Apple Tree” (It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I want to read it to my kids.)

She types it in. Many books come up, but not that title. She tries again. Nothing.

Librarian: Obviously you’re way off on the title.

Now I’m really annoyed.

Me: Actually. No. That’s the title of the book and I’m pretty sure I checked it out six weeks ago from this branch.

Librarian: What’s the author’s name?

Me: Slobodkin. Louis Slobodkin.

She types it in. It comes up on screen. She’s annoyed that’s it right there. I’m annoyed that I didn’t just type in the author myself. Or just stayed home.

Librarian: Oh see, you spelled spaceship wrong. It’s really space ship.

There was a space between “space” and “ship.” It’s an old book, so maybe it was spelled that way when it was written. (I looked it up when I went home and it’s one word in Webster’s. But who cares!)

Me: That shouldn’t matter really.

Librarian: Well it does.

Me: Well Google wouldn’t have cared.(I know this is ridiculous, but I’m so pissed I didn’t know what to say)

Librarian:(Looking at computer screen) I don’t want to continue having this fight with you.

Luckily so far it’s all been quiet. My daughter is out of ear shot, but the librarian helper is nearby listening. But she stays out of it.

Me: Well you started it. (Now I sound like a complete idiot, but I’m in that pissed off state where I can’t think. (AKA: George Costanza)

Librarian turns and just stares at me with the most evil look ever. I’m sure many people have cowered under that icy glare. But not me. I finally get my wits about me.

Me: Well I don’t like being insulted.

At this point the librarian finally realizes she’s being a total bitch and that I’m actually a “paying” customer. I can see she’s struggling with what to do. I see her face change and she backs down.

Librarian: Well I didn’t mean it that way. I hope you know that.

Me: OK

But it’s not OK. WTF!!! She totally meant it that way. She’s done it to me before and to some of my friends in town. Half of the librarians there are like that.

The fact that I pay a lot of taxes is not the point really. What’s most relevant is how sad this is. What a waste! Not a waste of resources, but potential. The library could be such an inviting place, especially the kids section. A place where kids gather and build a community. A place where they can explore the magical world of stories and books. A place where they could learn how to use resources, so they can be resourceful. A place they could be excited to visit. It certainly was for me as a kid.

So I leave with my daughter’s hand in mine. I’m sickened and upset, but trying not to show it. Then my daughter looks at me and says, “Daddy, can we go to Dunkin’ Donuts?”

And at that point I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than share a doughnut with my daughter. And all is right again in the world. At least for that moment.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Please share your library or librarian stories. Good or bad.

It was about two years ago when I realized I had become obsolete.

One day, while my kids were talking and laughing with their friends,  I listened and smiled in the background. I enjoyed their laughter and banter. But my smile soon faded when I realized I had no idea what they were talking about. I had no idea whom they were referencing and what they were alluding to. All the cool things I used to do and know were clearly no longer cool, replaced by all these new things. In that moment,  I realized I had become a dinosaur and it frightened me. I didn’t like knowing I was headed down the path of the Dodo Bird or the great Woolly Mammoth.

I winced and weighed my options.  I could either GET CURRENT or become extinct. I chose the former and got to work.

First I took stock of everything I had kept up on. Let’s see, I knew who was president. I knew about American Idol and all the reality TV shows. I managed to know what an MP3 file was somehow, and….um……that was basically it. So now I made a list of all the areas I needed to get up to speed in: music, technology, sports, art, the internet and current lingo. That was a good start. WOW, that was a ton of stuff to consume!

But the hard part was still in front of me. Where was I going to get the “right” info? The rest of THE GUYS were as clueless as me. I realized I had to find the source.  And then it suddenly became clear to me. The source came in the form of young people! They were up on all the current trends. They were the demographic SETTING all the trends. So my education began.

Being a teacher helped me a ton in my quest to become current. I had access to all the young minds I could ever want. I just needed to keep my trap shut so I could learn from all of them. And that’s what I did. Sure I gave my lessons, but at the end of each session, I’d ask a few open ended questions to find out about them, and what they were up to. My questions ranged from the general, “What’s going on in your life?” to the specific, “What can you tell me about…so and so?”

I was amazed at how well my inquiries were received. The simple act of asking a question immediately opened up channels that seemed so impossibly closed. What I was doing unintentionally, was acknowledging their expertise  and thus leveling the playing field. What was once a monologue became a dialogue, which was so much more interesting and educational for both of us!

The long and short of all this is, over the course of a year, I slowly caught up to the present and became “current” and had a ton of fun doing it.

So I fast forward to the present.

These days, I work hard to keep current and stay curious. I attempt to listen as much as I can and learn from the young people who surround me, including my own family. And I keep the lines of communication open. That’s my best ally to avoiding the path of extinction, and my best ally to having a solid relationship with the people I care for the most.

And you know what?  My kids are now including me in their fun conversations.  And even better, I  understand what they’re saying!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Have you kept current? Please share your discoveries!

A special bonus. Here are some cool things that some of my younger friends are up to. Be sure to check out their talent.

War Tapes (The best Doom Pop group on the planet)

Louise Rose Designs (Cool custom jewelry and accessories)

Astonishing Tales (Intelligent, introspective and catchy)

Project Erik (Slick animation on You Tube)

Kira Jeannee (Piano music that will move you)

Titanic Piano 14 (Funky, jazzy piano that rocks)

Rock of Main St. (The coolest venue for young bands)

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