Dating again; how do I do it?

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Is my boyfriend pulling away from me? What happened? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

The Guys are pleased to announce our nomination and subsequent inclusion in the Top 100 Dating Sites for 2013.

Hey Guys,

So after two years of deciding that finding the right guy was impossible like a typical, pissed-off, 22 year-old sorority girl, I ended up meeting an incredible guy three months ago who seemed like a real prince charming. He took me out on romantic dates, held the door, walked me home, brought me roses just because, e.t.c.

I am not even close to this high maintenance and generally do not require this much attention from guys although the good morning texts really brightened my days as well as evening phone calls and texting when he was not able to come over that day. I was pretty much blown away that there were still guys like this around, and the fact that after my relationship failures of the past I had found a really nice and caring guy who actually listened when I talked and who I had fun with was mind-blowing.

So anyway, we eventually become official after about a month, and then everything changed two weeks after that. He stopped calling, and now only texts me when I text him. He stopped making an effort to hang out. Then last week when I was leaving the state for a month he told me he was sorry but could not see me before I left because he made vacation plans for the weekend. Now we barely talk and I just feel annoying when I try to contact him which is ridiculous because he is my boyfriend and he was so into me a couple weeks ago. There were no fights or disagreements that brought this on, and the only conclusion I can come to is that he’s over me or the family issues he’s dealing with are too much.

Now I am away and miserable, and part of me wants to just dump him, but I also need to know if there is any hope. People keep telling me to have a talk with him, but I know how that whole psycho girlfriend “we need to talk” thing goes, and I really don’t want to be that girl.

Please help!

Sincerely,

Stacey

Dear Stacey,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so miserable.

We can think of two explanations for his odd behavior, and his change of heart. (If that’s what’s going on.)

1. Here’s a guy who loves the IDEA of being in love. He’s a romantic, and he loves how he feels when courting a woman. But he’s also a guy that tends to do a 180 whenever his relationship “fantasy” starts to feel more real. (As soon as you became a couple he started backpedaling.)

2. He had sex with you and then decided he wasn’t that into you. We say this because a guy—most guys—don’t really know how they feel until they have sex with a woman. (Maybe not after one time, but a few times.) That’s when they can really gauge their feelings. That’s when they deal with the precipitous drop in hormones, and have to ask themselves the hard question: “Do I really care for this woman, or was I just really horny?” Sorry to be so crass about it, but when you break it down to its simplest form, that’s what it looks like. And this isn’t really about Good Sex vs. Bad Sex, it’s something deeper that guys either feel or don’t feel.

You mention family issues, but we doubt that has anything to do with it. In fact, having a woman you love during hard times is a wonderful thing, for support. (Having a woman you love is wonderful in good times too.) So if he’s saying this is the issue, it’s just an excuse. And don’t make this excuse for him.

We agree with your friends. You need to talk with him about what’s going on. You deserve an explanation. And frankly, we already have an uneasy feeling about this, so if he freaks out and tells you that he can’t date you because you’re putting too much pressure on him, well, then that’s just another excuse. What we’re saying is, we can’t guarantee a positive outcome if you have “the talk.” But we can guarantee you’ll get answers. And that’s what you need right now. Don’t worry about the “psycho girlfriend” moniker. In our minds, he’s the one who’s flirting with that label.

What do you think? Responses? If you have follow-up questions leave them in the comments section below this post. We’re happy to answer as many as you have.

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks. Also, follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Why is he hiding me from his family? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Other questions about dating across cultures:

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call?

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played?

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Cross-cultural relationship; east meets west

________________________

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend is Asian. Let me just get that out of the way. We’ve dated for five months. His mother was Hispanic (I’m half white, half Hispanic) and his father is Asian. His mother died when he was still young, but his father remarried to an Asian. He hides me from everyone on the Asian side of the family, but lets the other half know about me all the time. He pretends we’re not together. I’ve tried talking but he just feels like it’s completely normal and okay to hide me. I’ve been distressed about this, but I’m trying to put it behind me. I need a little closure.

I love him so much and I know five months is still very young, but I just am the happiest person when we’re together.
I just am desperately looking for some sort of lifeline. Advice?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question. Why are you trying to put this issue behind you? This is not something you brush under the carpet. It’s a serious issue.

So does he know that this bothers you? (We can’t imagine he doesn’t.) But if not, you need to have a conversation with him immediately. If he’s embarrassed of you, or afraid that his father’s family will not approve of you, then how is the relationship really going to move forward? If he was truly serious about you he’d be telling everyone he knows about you. That’s what guys do. They are eager to show off their new girl to their friends and family. (Although, admittedly, sometimes the family introduction is a bit trickier.) But being nervous about introducing your new partner to your family, is different than intentionally hiding her. That’s what’s going on here.

We’ll be honest with you here. When a guy acts like this from the onset, it doesn’t usually end up well. Meaning, if he truly is hiding you, and really thinks that’s okay, we don’t see this relationship lasting for the long-term. Yes, you might force him to introduce you, but if he’s this uncomfortable now, and bowing to the pressure he feels from his father, do you really think he’ll go against his wishes when push comes to shove? (Like something more serious like marriage.) Not likely. (Please read some of the other posts on this topic above, and the comments beneath each of those posts. You’re not alone in this situation.)

We’re sorry. We wish we could be more uplifting and throw you that lifeline you were speaking of. But frankly, we think you need to hear what your gut is already telling you. And please understand this is coming from a supportive place, even though it may be hard to hear.

What do you think? What’s your plan? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks. We appreciate it.

If you’d like to donate to THE GUYS—use PayPal, on the right side of any page on our site—no donation is too small or too large.

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Dating across cultures; Should I wait for him? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Other questions about dating across cultures:

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call?

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played?

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Cross-cultural relationship; east meets west

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

Well, there is this man that I fell in love with. I’ve known him for one-and-a-half years. His flirting was always obvious but somehow I was got the feeling he didn’t want a relationship with me.

Three months ago I took a risk and texted him that I wanted to come to his place. (I am 27 years old and still a virgin. So it was a big risk for my standards..:) ) When the big day arrived I went to his home and not surprisingly he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. Long story short, we had sex. Well actually we couldn’t because it was so painful that tears came out from my eyes. I couldn’t help it. When he saw me crying he stopped and said that my first time shouldn’t be like this.

Then all of a sudden he told me that he was so happy that I was with him and he wouldn’t want anything else right now. As you can imagine I was just shocked. (I was really drunk at that moment; I really don”t remember what I felt.) Then he told me that he loved me too much. I also told him that I loved him. But I didn’t open up about wanting a relationship during the night.

The rest of the night was so romantic. He was hugging me, kissing my hands; but we didn’t have sex that night. He was hugging me while we were sleeping. I remember that I was feeling so mixed up in the morning. I knew that I couldn’t keep seeing him like this without a relationship because you know this could kill me. By the way that morning I figured out that my period had just started—it wasn’t expected—and the cramps were so awful. So I decided to dress up while he was sleeping and give him a goodbye kiss.

He pulled me into the bed. I told him that I didn’t feel well because of the cramps. He started to kiss me and wanted to have sex with me again. It was so painful and the cramps were making it even worse. So I told him to stop. He stopped but he was so angry this time. I wanted him to calm down so I could talk with him. He said, “What is there to talk about?” He also said that it would be better for me to go since I was already going.

I told him it shouldn’t end like this. He said that it doesn’t mean that this is the end. But my heart was so broken that I told him I didn’t want to see him again because I hoped there could be something between me and him. He again told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I told him I understood. He said he already told me this yesterday and he added he didn’t do anything bad to me. I agreed with him that he didn’t do anything bad. (I was the one who came to his place and wanted to have sex with him.) In the end I kissed him on the cheeks and said goodbye. I also told him not to call me. (I don’t know why I said this; I think I was just so sad at that moment.)

It has been three months now before all this happened. I still love him and miss him. I know that I can’t do anything about this but do you think is it worth still waiting for him. (Thanks and sorry for the language mistakes.) And by the way he is 11 years older then me. He is an American and I am from Turkey. I thought it might be important to specify..:)

Sanam

Dear Sanam,

Thanks for your question. We admire that you took a risk and went for it. And although it didn’t work out the way you hoped, we still think it’s good to go for what you want in life.

Guys usually say what they mean, and mean what they say. He told you upfront that he didn’t want a relationship and that hasn’t changed. Yes, he wanted to have sex with you, but he was pretty clear that he didn’t want anything else. Also, take a look at his reaction the second time you tried to have sex. It wasn’t very positive or supportive, which would indicate that sex was his primary goal.

We know you’re second-guessing yourself, and wishing you didn’t say some of the things you said, but honestly, we don’t think it would have changed anything. The two of you have different goals in mind. We don’t think he’s the guy for you even if you have strong feelings for him. We can’t say why he feels the way he feels, but once again, he was very clear with you throughout. You might say, “Well, then why was he hugging me, kissing me, and telling me he loved me?” Our reply: That’s all part of the “dance.” Remember, you hadn’t had sex yet, so he was still feeling very passionate, and very horny.

Our suggestion: Move on. This guy is not looking to be in a relationship with you. We’re truly sorry.

Do you have any other questions? Thoughts? (Leave them in the comments below)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Also, take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks. We appreciate it.

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Dating the mother of two wonderful kids; how do I get to the next level? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hey Guys!

I’m 19 years old and falling fast for an old friend who is 22 and just so happens to be a mother of two wonderful kids. The kids and I get along great so that’s not a problem. I know her past relationship troubles and she knows mine. We’re really close. I’m even the godfather to both of her sons. (5 and 4) I’m just wondering if I should take this any further. I honestly do love her and her boys. We’ve already kissed quite a few times which has been years overdue. I’d like to take our relationship to the next level, not necessarily right away but eventually. I just can’t stand not having her in my arms much longer. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this delicate situation?

Much appreciated,

Chad

Dear Chad,

Thanks for your question. You sound very mature for a 19 year-old guy. (Don’t take that wrong. That’s a big time compliment.) She, or any other woman looking for a long-term commitment, would be lucky to have you.

So what’s holding you back Chad? Is it that you’re not sure where she stands, or how she feels about you? Or is it something else? And where is her ex in this picture?

Understand that a single mother out in the dating world—besides wanting what every person wants: love and excitement— is looking to find a guy who is a good influence on her kids, and who possibly loves them, or at least cares for them. You’ve got that going in spades Chad, so that’s a great start. And it sounds like there’s some chemistry as well.

But in order to give you some answers/strategies we nee more info.

Questions:

How long has she been divorced?

Is she hung up on her ex?

Have the two of you talked about your relationship at all?

Have you expressed your feelings towards her?

Do you want a family of your own?

Do you want your own kids?

Does she want more kids?

Obviously she knows you must be into her. But it’s possible she’s not sure if you really want to take on the entire package. (Raising someone else’s kids is a lot to take on.) And if you’re sensing hesitation on her part, it could be because she’s also unsure of how serious you are about her. You may be mature, and you may love her kids, but there’s still a lot to consider here Chad, and she knows that. Just be careful not to give up all of your dreams and aspirations to be with her. This needs to be a two-way street. Yes, her first responsibility is her kids, but she still needs to have enough energy to give to you and the relationship. We’re saying this because you seem like a very giving person, and someone who could get caught up in the giving, or even “saving,” and then realize later that you’re not getting your own needs met.

Please think about all the questions we’ve asked. We’d love to hear your thoughts on everything. And then we can give you some more feedback. And certainly, ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (In the comments below this post.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And share on Facebook or any other social network. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.

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Too little, too late; how do I break up with him? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

I can’t help but feeling that too much stuff has happened between me and my boyfriend for us to go on. I feel like his mom. Since he’s practically dependent on me I worry about dumping him; I don’t want to be responsible for making someone homeless. Here’s my laundry list of stuff he’s done. Please I can use all the advice and insight I can get, thank you.

Stuff:

In the beginning we were care free lovers. I always wanted more commitment out of him but we had such a good time so I let it go. It all started when he was experiencing some trouble with his family—he lived with his family and I offered to let him stay with me for a while. Once we started living together which seemed to be more out of necessity than romance he wanted to be exclusive. Now a year-and-a-half and four apartments later, he still needs my help and a place to stay, although I’m sure he could manage to manipulate another girl for a place to stay VERY EASILY.

During the time I was helping him and “exclusively dating him” he hooked up with my best friend whom I had know since I was 13 in a hotel room I was paying for in the bed next to me. (More than once.) His excuse for that was that he didn’t like her and wanted her out of my life. Turns out they still talk on Facebook. He used my car while I was at work to go hook up with his baby’s mom and would pick me up an hour late. (I work graveyard.) He also had another affair with this girl who thought that my car was his and to put the icing on the cake was older and not as attractive as me. He said the only reason he did it was because she “made him do it.” Yeah, right. He’s 6’2 and she’s probably 5’3; and did I mention she supplied his weed habit. (Probably better than I ever could UGH).

I wish this was the end of the story, but after all of this he had a mental break down (very hard for me) and did some stupid stuff that ended up getting himself and me into some legal trouble. Being the responsible adult of this relationship I made sure all of the legal stuff got taken care of and continued to give him all that I could to make sure he was okay.

It’s been about a year since he lost it and he’s totally fine now. I think he appreciates and loves me more for what I’ve done for him now than he ever has which makes it harder for me to dump him. After I gave him everything and put up with him cheating in very hurtful ways now he seems to respect and love me the way I always wanted. I’ve given him so many chances why now does he have to finally start to get his shit together after everything he’s put me through? It just feels like the classic too little too late. We’ve been through so much I feel more like his friend and less like his girlfriend. I would love to stay friends, but taking care of him is killing me; I feel like he’s sucking up the best years of my life.

The worst part is getting him to understand how everything he did just made me not love him like I used to. Haha did I mention that after a year-and-a-half he finally just got a real job for the first time today.

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Thanks for your question and your donation. Wow, that’s quite a story. If you’re looking for encouragement, or even permission, to move on, you certainly have ours. He’s either a narcissist—someone who unknowingly takes advantage of other people—or completely self-centered—someone who knowingly manipulates and takes advantage of others—or some sort of combination if that’s even possible.

You’ve supported him throughout these years, but you’ve also enabled him. In a way, you are kind of like his mom. And many parents face this same dilemma: Their child can’t seem to get their shit together so they keep falling back on their parents to bail them out. Think about that. Parents react in different ways. Some parents continually bail their child out. Some parents finally stand their ground and say “enough is enough” but still try to offer some support. And some parents lay down the law and take away all support. (With much sadness, and sometimes anger.) It’s not a great position to be in that’s for sure. And we’re sorry you’ve somehow gotten yourself into this. Now you need to extract yourself.

It’s easy for us to say, but you certainly don’t owe him anything. In fact he should be forever grateful to you, and he probably is. But Stephanie, you’ve got your own life to live, and you need to look out for yourself. You don’t need for him to understand WHY you’re not in love with him anymore. You need to keep the emotion out of it as hard as that may be. Because the right approach is to simply be straightforward, honest, and succint. Have you seen the movie “Moneyball?” There’s a scene where Brad Pitt’s character explains to his assistant GM how to tell a player he’s been traded. You should watch it. He says you just need to be short and sweet and say it with no emotion. Example: “(Name), you’ve been traded to the Chicago Cubs. (Hands him a card.) Here’s the name of their player development guy and he’ll be able to help you out. Thank you for your service.” (He might say a little more and that’s it. No emotion, no long explanation.) The assistant GM is kind of surprised at how cold that seems, but when he actually has to implement it, he realizes it’s the best approach. Clean. Quick. Done.

And that’s how we think you need to approach this. Say something like this: “I’m glad you’ve finally found a job and are getting yourself together, but I’m not in love with you anymore. It’s time we went our separate ways.”

You might be shaking your head and saying to yourself, “There’s just no way I can do that. I owe him more than that.” And we say, “Actually you don’t.” You’ve already said what you’ve needed to say over the course of your relationship. There’s no more that needs to be said. If you truly want to extract yourself from this relationship, you need to do it fast and clean with little explanation. And then he needs to move out. Or you need to. Yes, you’ll feel guilty, but understand it’s best for both of you. This is about trust. You need to trust him enough to know he’ll be able to take care of himself without you.

And finally, the kicker: We also don’t think you should even be friends with him. You’ve got to build a new life for yourself, with a supportive partner that’s going to give as much as you give, and support you as much as you support them. You can’t do that with him around. And we can tell you, that when you find that new person—and we know you will—you’re going to be shocked when you look back at all that you put up with in this relationship. And you’re going to be angry with yourself. (Of course, we’d advise you not to be. Every human on this earth looks back and wonders why they did what they did. But most of us, make the best decisions we can at the time they’re happening.)

You seem like a strong woman, with a good head on your shoulders. It’s time to start applying that strength to your own dreams and aspirations. You can do it.

Thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (In the comments’ section below.)

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Also share on Facebook. And take a moment to help a fellow readers. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

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Is my boyfriend into young girls? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I love him so much and I “feel” like he loves me too. That is, until I went on his cell after he left it at home and he had multiple accounts on a dating site. But that’s not the big thing. He is also posing as a 17 year-old boy AND GIRL talking to these young kids in flirty ways. (He’s actually 26.) And I’m not going to lie; I started twitching. (Thats some creepy stuff.)

I’m not sure how to confront him but I know I’m ready. Am I with a pedophile? Does he have split personalities?

Dear S,

Thanks for your question. This is a potentially serious issue. For you. For him. And for these young girls/boys he’s flirting with. And you do realize what he’s doing is against the law? (We hope he’s not trying to take this to the next level.) And if he’s caught with any sort of child-pornography on his computer he could go to jail for a long time.

You need to bring this to his attention now. And we don’t think it needs to be said, but taking the evidence into account, we don’t think he’s the kind of guy you want to build a life with. If all of this is true, he needs help. He needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist to help him understand what’s going on for him, and help him so he doesn’t actually try to meet up with these kids.

We understand you’re going to feel conflicted. You love him and want to be with him. But he needs help. And certainly we don’t think you should abandon him. But the support you to provide should be all about helping him to get the help he needs. But we don’t see a future for the two of you. Do you? What do you think?

Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Use the comments’ section below.)

Good luck and definitely keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

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My boyfriend cheated in the past; should I break up with him? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has cheated on several of his exes in the past. He says they were cheating too, which to me is irrelevant. He still texts some of his exes and other girls he slept with. He’s never propositioned any—as far as I know— although he sometimes shares inappropriate stuff with them. He’s also slept around with a lot of women in the past. I’m not sure if I should break up with him, give him another chance, or if I’m being unreasonable to begin with. He assures me he’s changed but I’m not sure about that. He’s 20 and has a full time job and I’m 21 and going to college.

Some advice please?

Emily

Dear Emily,

Thanks for your question.

What happened to his first chance? Did we miss something? Why is he now on his second chance? Has he done something besides the occasional inappropriate conversation? (Yes, we agree that needs to stop.) We gathered that he hasn’t actually cheated on you. So this is just a feeling you have, right? A worry that he hasn’t really changed, and that these behaviors he’s exhibited in the past are lying dormant, waiting to resurface at their earliest convenience?

So this all comes down to you Emily. Are you truly able to give this guy a clean slate? And do you think you’ll ever completely trust him? Because you know as well as us, that if you’re constantly wondering and worrying about what he’s doing, or might do in the future, you’re not going to enjoy the relationship. With that mindset, it won’t matter whether he’s cheating or not. You’ll still feel exactly the same way.

It is true that changing a behavior like cheating is not easy to do. The person has to want to change, and then be willing to do the work required to change. And we’d say most 20 year-olds aren’t quite there yet. But once again, we ask you what do you think? What’s your gut telling you? You certainly know the guy better than we do. And if you asked 100 people what you should do, everyone would give you a different answer. (Of course all these answers would be based on personal history, and how each person feels about cheating in general. Which means none of those answers would actually help you solve your problem.)

Our advice: If you truly think you can get past the thought of him cheating, then by all means give him a chance, or a second chance. (Of course keep your eyes open moving forward.) But if the worry constantly gnaws at you, and you can’t let it go, it’s probably time to move on. You might not be the kind of person that can handle the uncertainty of not knowing for sure. And that’s an important thing for you to note about yourself. (You’re certainly not alone in that regard. So no worries.) But that information will help you make better choices in the future.

What do you think? Any follow-up questions? Ask away. And definitely keep us posted on what you decide to do. (In the comments’ section)

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Also, help a fellow reader out. VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks.

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Am I getting played or not? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

I’m 21, he’s 22. I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve dated twice and simply kissed in between that span of breaking up and making up. We’ve make odes of passion in plenty of topics, and plainly fought over who cares about whom between us. He never leaves me. It’s comforting.

Right now, it’s a Friends with Benefits kind of thing with some romantic gestures. He always gets or makes my favorite drink. He holds my hands and will spoon me all night, kiss me my favorite way and always makes sure I like what he’s doing. He talks to me about everything. We find each other both very mysterious and he tells me I’m addictive and that I’m the only one who’s kept up with him. He tells me I’m special, and all the things someone like me needs and yearns to hear and feel. He rubs my hands sweetly, kisses me and yet he says he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, therefore no relationship. I just wanted to feel completely loved by him and I’d love if he found out his path in life; but I feel unsure. He says he loves my smarts, humor, and passion and he recently for the first time said he’d want me later on. I don’t want to feel played around though. Sorry if this was really sporadic!

Valarie

Dear Valarie,

Thanks for your question. As far as you getting played. No, we don’t think so, because getting played connotes some sort of intent to deceive. We think he’s clearly into you, but not enough to commit. Guys like to feel settled in their own lives before they get involved in a serious relationship. They want to feel like they have some sort of direction, and that they’re moving towards their goals. This could be career related or life related. Without this, guys feel adrift. He falls into this category.

One thing to consider though. Some guys will use the, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” excuse, in order to keep a woman on hold. We can’t say for sure what’s truly going on with this guy, except that he’s not ready to give you what you’re looking for. And therein lies your dilemma. How long do you stick around hoping he’ll change? And is it possible he can even do the work he needs to do to change and grow, with you in his life? Sometimes people need to be alone in order for them to do the necessary work. Understand though, that once this guy gets his act together, he will be a different person; and that different person may or may not want to be with you. (And you with him.)

The last thing to consider is his age. He’s young. Guys take longer than women to mature and find themselves. The process of self-actualization could be a long one. He might be searching for another 5-10 years. What do you think about that possibility? We’d hate for you to get into a holding pattern and not be moving forward in your own life while you waited for him to do what he needs to do.

Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Also share on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Also, please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. We appreciate it.

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My traveling boyfriend makes me feel left behind (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend left me to go for six months and volunteer/travel in Ecuador and around South America. Before he left, we both could not stop crying because we knew that this would be so hard on both of us.

We decided to Skype but I never get a smile from him or anything. I’m just worried that he is leaving me behind for the friends he has made on the trip. He used to say, “I miss you, my favorite person.” Or “I wanna talk to you, I miss your face, I miss everything, I love you.” But now I get absolutely nothing; we talk as if we’re only friends or even acquaintances, and I am just worried that he doesn’t miss me or doesn’t care about me anymore, or that he’ll come home and break up with me because he’s happy on his own. I am really scared because this guy is the love of my life; we have been together for over two-and-a-half years and I am just so scared. I hate feeling left behind. He never tells me he misses me unless I say it to him first.

Please help me! Why don’t guys express their emotions? I understand he is probably very distracted by all the new people and sights but why is he pushing me into the background?

Cygalle

Dear Cygalle,

Thanks for your question. Just so you know, in these types of situations, it’s often harder on the person being left behind rather than the one who is off exploring. And that’s what we see going on here. Every day he’s meeting new people, exploring new places, absorbing new lessons, and expanding his world. In the meantime, you’re at home living your same day-to-day life, wondering why he’s not reaching out to you more.

He’s not, for this simple reason: He’s so excited with his life right now that he’s not thinking about you as much. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you anymore, it just means he’s not able to balance it all right now. If you start demanding more from him he may grow resentful. This is his time to spread his wings and see the world. If it were you traveling, you might feel the same way. (Although we think you might be more sensitive to how he’s feeling.) And that’s the issue we see. He’s not being that understanding of what you’re going through. (This is why some couples choose to break up temporarily in these types of situations. Because it’s hard for both people.) It shows his inability to juggle the complexities of his life. Or his unwillingness.

As per expressing his emotions, or not expressing his emotions. Yes, guys might be able to lock their emotions away more easily, but there are many guys who are actually quite good at expressing how they feel. Is he generally a pretty closed person, and someone who’s not comfortable expressing himself? (Fill us in please in comments’ section below post.)

We think this is a situation Cygalle, where you’re going to have to be patient and just wait-and-see. You knew this was going to be hard, you just didn’t know how hard. Well, now you know. You have two choices: 1. Sit around and worry for the next six months. 2. Support him on his journey as best you can…..But in the meantime you need to continue moving forward in your own life. Six months feels like forever, but it’s a very short time in the big scheme of things. You can make it through.

Are you meeting up with him at any point in his travels? (Just a thought. Maybe you could suggest it. Or hint at it. Ideally he would suggest it.)

There are no guarantees that this will all work out, but you can’t go by how you’re feeling right now. Basically, for the next six months your relationship is on hold. After this trip is over, then you can better assess the relationship. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Ask away. And let us know your thoughts on what we’ve said.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

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My husband’s affair; should I give him a second chance? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

I recently found out that my husband had an affair. He still wanted to make the marriage work and I forgave him; but he still didn’t want to stop speaking to her after I gave him an ultimatum. Soon I found out he had created a new email to talk with her. When I saw that he told her he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her on his day off, I asked him to leave. He packed his things. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Do I give him time to realize? Or should I assume that the marriage is over? I know I have to come to terms that I can’t control his actions but I’m just trying to come to terms with what has happened.

Nicebabye

Dear Nicebaybee,

We’re truly sorry. We hate to see couples split up.

Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. But this type of thinking doesn’t work for most marriages, unless you have some sort of “open” arrangement, which we are not recommending. (Those arrangements usually don’t work out either. One person is often driving it while the other follows reluctantly.)

Was he even remorseful when he asked you to try again? It doesn’t sound like he was. In order for this to have a chance at working he needs to show some remorse; he needs to show that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust; and then he needs to show he’s taking steps to change his behavioral patterns. (Maybe see a professional to help him understand why he’s making the choices he’s making, and then how not to repeat them. Therapist or counselor.)

He’s got a long way to go. If you weren’t married we’d say move on. But since you’re married and you’ve invested so much time and emotional energy into the relationship, we suggest you give him a little bit of time to see if he’ll wake up and realize what he’s done. (You don’t want to have any regrets and feel like you didn’t try your best to reconcile. Perhaps through this year? Your call of course.) But remember, if he’s not 100% consistent about getting back together he’ll fall into the same old patterns before you know it. Then you’ll have wasted another year or so trying to make him change when he’s invested on staying just as he is.

Hang in there. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted on what you decide.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. And on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz

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He’s evasive when I ask him questions about his past; why? (Relationship and Sex Advice)

Hi Guys,

My question is, why does my fiancé get so squirrelly if I ask him a question about his exes? I only know about his most recent girlfriend and whenever I ask him any questions he says, “The past is the past and I want to focus on the future.” I get that and I do too, but the fact that he doesn’t answer some of my questions, even when they are straightforward and general, makes me feel likes he’s hiding something and that I should be worried?? I would answer any question he had for me.

What do you all think? Is it normal for a guy to not want to answer questions about his past?

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

Thanks for your question. It’s one that probably a lot of women wonder about.

But our question to you is: Why do you want to know details? Is there something driving this? A worry? An insecurity? A trust issue? Something must be driving your desire to inquire. Fill us in.

The reason he’s being evasive is because he doesn’t want you to feel threatened by the information he shares; and he doesn’t want it to impact your relationship because he loves you and has chosen you instead of her. But clearly he can sense your insecurity about this other woman/relationship. We agree with his statement: The past is the past. What happened then shouldn’t have anything to do with your relationship now. We’re assuming he loves you and wants to focus on that moving forward. (What is it that you could be so curious/worried about?)

The other thing you need to understand is that even though men are curious about their girlfriend’s past experiences—they might even reluctantly ask questions—they still don’t really want to know the details, especially when it comes to sex. So he’s putting himself in your place and thinking, “The last thing she wants to know is how I had mind-blowing sex with my ex.” (Sorry, that probably didn’t help, but you understand our point.) That’s the last thing he would want to know about. That kind of information is too much for the male ego to handle. What he doesn’t realize is that when you ask—when all women ask—you actually really want to know the answer. Guys also don’t understand that women are “threatened” more by the emotional connection rather than the physical one.

He’s also worried about opening up this whole can of worms. If he starts divulging information to you, then he might feel compelled to ask you about your past, and frankly he doesn’t even want to think about it. He doesn’t want to even imagine you having sex with another man. That’s enough to bum him out for years. Seriously.

So if you need to continue with this because you don’t trust him then proceed cautiously. Otherwise let it rest. You’re not doing your relationship any favors by continuing with this line of questioning.

Your thoughts? Leave us a comment below and feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Facebook. Twitter. @TGPBuzz And support a fellow reader. Take the time to VOTE on our Ask the Audience page.

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Mutual friends; sex and other issues (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hey Guys!

So I seem to have found myself in a really messy situation in the past few days.

I have four really awesome friends who are all housemates. (I do not live with them) We will call one of them Mr. X. In the past few months I have developed a small crush on X but have repeatedly shot down the idea—in my head—of going further with the relationship due to his obvious difficulties with opening up to anyone especially females. His trust issues, previous failed relationships, as well as the current strained relationship with his housemates—partially the result of the way he treated another one of our mutual friends when he broke up with her–make me wonder about his ability to be in a relationship.

In the past few months I have been trying to figure out why I am attracted to him. I know I am sexually attracted to him, but I don’t think I am emotionally or romantically. I have entertained the thought of possibly dating him. (On a side note, I am a virgin and have decided to wait until I am in a steady and loving relationship before I have sex for the first time).

The other night I went to a party at their house and ashamedly got quite drunk—quite out of character for me. Mr X was also drunk and kept asking me to go into his room —obviously for sex. I told him that I would not have sex with him and left it at that. I ended up climbing into bed with him later that night and essentially passed out in his bed, looking rather desperate . (Thankfully nothing happened between us.)

The next morning we woke up and ended up spending hours lying in bed talking. He told me that he wanted to hang out more and that he likes me, although I’m really unsure if he really does; maybe he just wants FWB of a hook-up? Anyway, I was confused as he had never sent any signals that he liked me and is generally quite awkward around everyone even with his best friends. He told me that he wanted somebody there to touch, cuddle and talk to but that he feels awkward being that close to someone. I said that I was after the same thing, but that maybe it wasn’t the right time or that I wasn’t the right person to do this with. We both know that his housemates would not be happy if we were to start dating—or sleeping together—and we agreed to ‘see how it goes.’ He said that he is always going to be there if I wanted to ‘try’ with him. I am really worried that this could end badly, and I could ruin four fantastic friendships. I don’t know if I should go ahead with him or if it is a potentially toxic relationship and maybe he is just confused and wants a quick hookup.

Thank you for taking the time to read this rant, hopefully I can get another perspective that will help me come to a conclusion. (Pun intended.)

Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Thanks for your question.

It feels like you’re saying two different things here. A part of you is saying you want to wait to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship. But then you talk about being sexually attracted to this guy as you contemplate being with him. The other piece that’s confusing us is your response when he told you what he wanted. (He said he wants someone to touch and cuddle with. Basically someone to be physically intimate with which includes sex.) And then you said that’s what you wanted as well. We’re confused. What do you actually want Ellie? That’s the question you need to really figure out.

You may be sexually attracted to him but we don’t think he’s actually looking for a serious, committed relationship. You’ve pretty much said he has difficulty connecting to people, and that he’s awkward. So why do you think he’ll be any different with you? Did he talk about a relationship? Did he say he’s always liked you? If you indeed are seriously thinking about a relationship with this guy we think you should come right out and be more specific with how you’re feeling and what you want. Typically we’d say wait, but in this case, since it’s somewhat incestuous all being mutual friends, we think it’s best he know the scoop right up front. This also means he should understand how you feel about sex. (That you’ve been waiting to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship.) It will make him think much harder about what he wants; and it will give him more reason to do the “right thing.” If he freaks out or is non-committal then you’ll know how to proceed. If he’s receptive to your “confession” then you can “see how it goes.” We don’t think it will necessary turn toxic, but even if you just date it will make things awkward with all of your friends. You need to first figure out what you really want and then weigh your options.

What do you think? Does this work for you? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like and definitely keep us posted. (In comment’s section below.)

Also, please share our site with all of your friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Thanks. We appreciate it.

THE GUYS

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

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Should I break up with my high school love when I head to college? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

I have a boyfriend of four months. He is 18, I’m 17. He is convinced that I am the one for him. He has a full-time job and his life has already started. I, on the other hand, have college, and other life experiences ahead. I really care about him, and I can see myself with him. My parents think that I should experience college without that extra “baggage” of a boyfriend when I leave. I am not totally sure what to do. I want this to work out; I want to be with him, but then I have doubts. I know that at college you need to experience everything, get to know new people, and find who is compatible with you. He has already planned to propose to me after our one year. I want him to wait. We have had sex, and I feel like because of that I need to stay with him. I don’t want to go through the emotional toll of breaking up, or hurting him, but I don’t know what to do. I’m really struggling with this whole situation in general. I can see myself getting married to him and spending my life with him, but we have to get to that point.

What should I do? Stay with him and work through it when I’m at college? End it, and see what happens? I’m at such a loss. Please, any advice would be great!

Thank you!
Erin

Dear Erin,

Thank you for your question. This is a very complex issue you are dealing with. Hopefully we can help you sort this out.

Let’s start with your parents. All parents want their children to be happy, but it’s more than that. They also want them to realize their full potential. College is a huge step towards doing just that. Your parents want you to experience all that college has to offer. They want you to be open to new ideas, new people, and new discoveries, because they understand—they’ve lived many more years than you—that you are just beginning the process of self-discovery and self-actualization. We don’t know how they feel about your boyfriend, but they see him, and this relationship, as impeding your ability to become who you are meant to be. They also don’t want you to “waste” any more of your time on a relationship they feel is eventually going to end. (Most high school relationships do end eventually, but of course, not necessarily.)

We see your situation as a timing issue. Your boyfriend may be a wonderful guy, and possibly the rare young guy who is actually ready for a committed relationship, but the timing is off. If you go to college with one foot back at home, you are going to regret it later, and possibly resent your boyfriend for holding you back. On the other hand, if you break up with your boyfriend per your parent’s wishes, you may regret that as well, and be upset with your parents.

Ultimately this is your decision. But if we had to choose we’d say go to college and experience it to the fullest. And who knows after that. If down the road, you and your boyfriend are both open to the idea, you could give it a go then. He seems like a good guy, and sometimes good guys are hard to find. And, maybe with four more years of experience you’ll be more comfortable making the decision of whether or not you want to build a life with him.

What do you think? Does this help or confuse you more? Let us know your thoughts in the comments’ section below. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. (Maybe your parents too.) Thanks. We appreciate it.

Questions about high school dating and/or questions about virginity:

I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Online dating; should I move forward?

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Online dating; looking for a guy who’s emotionally available? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for this site, which I just found. I think all of your advice is so sound and mature, a big change from some of the other sites out there.

I’ve had a pattern of being involved with guys who make all the right “noises” — they ask me out, call every day, spend time with me, introduce me to their friends and family, are exclusive, don’t cheat—but I’m always left feeling like all the signs of a great relationship are there, but without the real substance. They don’t open up to me, don’t express themselves or their feelings or dreams, they seem to just want to get into a comfortable, monogamous routine where the relationship doesn’t really evolve or develop into anything deeper. I usually have to end the relationship after 1-2 years, when I see that they really don’t know how to open up and move things to another level, and they are usually devastated. I know this is kind of a ridiculous problem to have, considering all the “real” problems on this site, but I’m having so much trouble finding a real, nourishing, satisfying relationship where I can really connect with a partner over the long-term.

Anyway, that has been my history and I’ve started online dating for the first time and I am understandably a bit on the look out for early signs of this behavior as I just don’t want to fall into it again. I’ve been on three dates with a guy who seems nice, but has a few red-flags. He’s 42 years old and never married, no long term relationships for the past NINE years! What first bothered me was that each time we went out, he waited three days to call me, which is unheard of in my dating life. (I usually get a call/email/text the next day or at the latest the day after.) I asked him jokingly if he was following the “three day rule” (Although my feelings were hurt) and he was genuinely surprised and said no, he was just taking things slowly and enjoying getting to know me. He said that if it meant a lot to me, he would call me more frequently, which he has. But I still can’t shake that feeling of him being emotionally distant; he certainly is somewhat “walled up” —he gets uncomfortable when the conversation gets serious and looks like he wants to escape and withdraw when anything deeper is discussed.

Is this a red-flag that I keep choosing the same emotionally unavailable men who, deep in their hearts, just aren’t into me? Is there a way to spot this early on? Or are my experiences making me paranoid? I really would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on whether a slow start to things is a good or bad sign? (I believe it’s important for a guy to be pretty excited about me in the beginning and wanting to call a lot.) And whether I can spot an emotionally unavailable/immature man, so I can make better choices in the future.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your kind words. We appreciate it.

Okay, you’re saying two different things. First you say that you seem to pick guys that don’t know how to open up, and that you end up having to break up with them. (They are devastated.) But then you say you keep choosing guys that are emotionally unavailable, and who deep in their hearts just aren’t that into you. The former is about the guys you are choosing, the latter is about you, and some sort of worry and insecurity. The issues are different, but they are related.

Ultimately, people choose partners that make them feel good about themselves. Take altruism for example. We believe in it as a concept, but people perform altruistic acts because of how their actions make them feel about themselves. It all comes down to the self, if you follow that logic. So our question is: What level are you trying to get to with these guys? (It sounds like there’s been quite a few.) And is this level attainable by anyone, or is it something that no matter what they do, they won’t be able to reach the level you’re looking for? (We’re just asking the questions so you can think about them.) Which brings us back to our original take: That your issue might be a combination of the wrong guys and what you ultimately need, or think you need.

Relationships require compromise. Obviously no one should compromise on important matters, like values, morals, attractiveness, and things like that. But in our society, we’re told our partner needs to be our soulmate, our best friend, our everything, and frankly, it’s not possible. That’s why people have friends and family. (Those help fill other needs.) Like we said, we are not telling you to settle. Absolutely not. But we are asking you to take a look at what you’re asking from these guys. And are you open to surprises? What do we mean? Maybe the guy who’s right for you is not the guy you seek? Do you have a list of attributes or requirements before you date someone? Maybe that list needs to be revised, or thrown out entirely? Maybe, the very attributes you find attractive in a man, directly impact his ability to open up.

We like that you’re trying new things: online dating. What about a social network, or adult ed classes, or joining some local club to meet people who like to do the sorts of things you like to do? Maybe meeting someone in a completely different setting would help take things in a different direction than your past experiences.

And so what about this new guy? He’s slow coming out of the gate. We don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. We didn’t love his slow response time to your texts, and agree, that that needed to change. But we did like his openness to modifying his behavior to make you happy. We see this as a very positive sign. Flexibility and compromise are good things in a relationship. Sure, he’s 42, single, never been married, all the signs of a player, or someone stuck in their ways. But you’ve got to give this some time. If he’s slow with his response time, he’s also probably slow with opening up to someone new. Right now you’re uncomfortable and we can tell you don’t particularly like being uncomfortable. (Who does?) But we think it’s good for you. Just go with it and see what happens. And keep the conversation flowing. He seems open to discussing issues, so if something comes up, talk to him about it.

We also can see you’re worried about your ability to choose a keeper in general. So here are some signs of one:

Someone who is willing to compromise and be flexible. Someone that listens, but also absorbs what he’s listening to and applies it later. Someone who is willing to share about himself, but also wants to know about you. Someone you think you know but then is still able to surprise you. Someone who genuinely wants the best for you, and has your best interests in mind when he’s out in the world without you.

We hope we didn’t offend you with some of our questions. We’re just trying to get you to consider all possibilities as you navigate the complex world of dating, online dating, and social network groups.

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave us a comment below, and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted about this guy, or any other situation that comes up.

Also, we hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. And on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Take care,

THE GUYS

Other questions about online dating:

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more?

Online dating; am I booty call or more?

Divorced and online dating

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I love him, but what if that isn’t enough? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year-and-a-half now. I love him so much and I’d do anything for him! I was cheated on in my last relationship after seven-and-a-half years, and I think I bring a lot of baggage from that relationship to this one. From the start I always felt I wasn’t enough for him and wondered how I could I ever keep this fantastic man!

After a year with my new man I felt so much more relaxed and settled; I was happy! We decided to buy a house together and are moving in two weeks. But just over a month ago I found a chat he was having with another girl on his computer. He said he had split up with his girlfriend and just needed a friend. As the conversation went on, it turned more sexual and he asked her if he could pick her up for a cuddle. She said she couldn’t and the conversation ended shorty after that. But now all I can think about is how I’m not enough and will never be enough!! I talked to him about it and he said he was so sorry and that he loved me more then he could ever explain. He said he never wanted to hurt me and would never ever put me in that position again! He also said he would never of gone through with it and was just lonely and bored and he knew she would say no!

I do love him more than anything in the world and I have forgiven him and I know that he loves me. But what if it happens again? I love him far too much to lose him and don’t think I could handle/cope with the fall out! I’m still not sure if I’m this hurt because of what he did or if it’s more my baggage from my ex? But I’m getting to the point of feeling lost without him and scared when he’s not there. I’m terrified all the time, and I can’t/don’t want to talk to anyone about this. If I tell my friends/family all this, they will blame my new fella. But I love him and I don’t want to break up with him and I can’t stand feeling this lost.

Please help. Any thoughts are welcome. I’m well aware that I will have a lot of people saying I should dump him, but it’s not that easy!

Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Thanks for your question. What he did should make you pause to consider what you’re doing? What he did—if it is a one-time thing—is not necessarily grounds for a breakup, but it’s certainly something that you shouldn’t brush under the carpet. (He certainly was doing something behind your back.) A full-blown betrayal? Maybe, maybe not. But certainly an attempt at a betrayal. His excuse, “I was bored and I knew she would say no,” is no excuse. He had no idea she would say no. He was just lucky she did. So the question is: What makes you think you can trust him?

What jumps out at us is your willingness to accept his behavior and move forward. You talk about how devastated and lost you’d be if the two of you split up, but what about being in a relationship with a guy who cheats on you? You think you’d be devastated if the two of you split, but that feeling will be nothing compared to how you might feel down the road. So we’re strongly suggesting you DO NOT move in with him until this is resolved. We highly recommend seeing a couple’s counselor.

The other thing that worries us is your self-esteem. Instead of being incensed by his betrayal, your first reaction was to immediately start worrying about whether or not you will be enough for him. That’s the mark of low self-esteem, and something you need to take a look at. If you’re telling him you’d be lost without him, that’s a lot of pressure for him. He has to worry about his feelings and yours. And what this does is create an imbalance of power in your relationship. Basically, he’s got all the power and you’ve got none. And most people have a hard time wielding this type of power. Usually they end up cheating, mistreating, or even abusing the other person. We strongly recommend you look into seeing someone—a professional— yourself to help you work through why you’re so scared to be alone. We acknowledge that it’s not easy being alone, but also understand that it’s worse being in a lonely relationship. And if you’re with a guy that you can’t trust, that is a lonely existence.

This is a lot to consume. What do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts? Do you have any follow-up questions for us? Ask away.

Finally, we hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Taking my long distance friendship to the next level (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

My dilemma has to do with taking a long distance relationship with a friend to the next level possibly. I’ve read a lot of the posts about long distance/(is he interested), but I feel like my situation is a hybrid of several categories so I figured I’d ask for myself. So here is the backstory:

I met this guy my junior year of college, but we didn’t really get to know each other until the next year. We became pretty fast friends; we have a shared interest in politics, but also talked about other things. Within a few months, in addition to seeing eachother in school, we were going out for drinks after class and having lunch together a couple of times a week. We talked pretty much everyday, often late into the night.

I had a crush on him and he seemed to have an interest in me, even coming up with his own nick name for me, but we never talked about it. I’m a pretty firm believer in the guy making the first “official” move. We flirted but it never went anywhere. We had both recently gotten out of very long term relationships and were about to graduate and (at least on my end) planned on moving back home. Things went on like this throughout the year.

After graduation we kind of fell out of touch. I had moved back home and was about to start law school; he was looking for a job. About 5 months after graduating he calls me out of the blue—we never really talked on the phone, always in person or text— he said he was just thinking about me and decided to call. We talked on the phone for at least an hour, only stopping because I had an appointment to go to. Since then our communication has been pretty sporadic. Again, I was busy with school, him with his career- which had taken him to the other side of the country.

About a year ago I texted him and during our conversation he said something flirty to which I said something along the lines of “you had your chance.” I was joking(ish), but his response surprised me. He said that he knew that but that it just hadn’t been the right time. This was the first time we had even mentioned the mass of sexual tension between us. Since then we have talked off and on, sometimes exchanging dirty texts. I usually initiate the conversations these days, although it has not always been this way. Lately, (the last few months) it seems like our conversations are shorter and I’m less likely to hear back from him after we exchange a few texts. I’m confused; while our conversations tend to be short, he’s pretty flirty still, saying things like, “You must have a thing for me,” and “I’ll bet that made you blush.” I’m not really sure what to make of it.

I really care about this guy, and especially after dating some other people since college have really realized how much a care about him and would like to at least try a relationship with him. He’s back from the other side of the country but still about an hour plane ride from where I live; but it’s not an impossible distance.

I guess my question is two-fold. 1) Does it even sound like this guy is into me or am I totally misreading the situation? The lack of initiation of conversation/dropping the conversation is unsettling to me as a usually find this is a trait of selfish/inconsiderate guys, but considering it has not always been this way I’m not sure if it is just a symptom of the distance. He’s a little but older than me (about 6 years, I’m 23) for what it’s worth. 2) If he is interested how do I go about starting something?

In case it wasn’t already clear we have never slept together or had any other sort of physical relationship. Other than a few risqué texts the relationship has been just friends.

Thanks Guys!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Nice to hear from you. You’ve got an interesting situation on your hands. But before we get to your question we want to thank you for your donation. We appreciate it!

What jumps out at us is his response to your quip, “Well, you had your chance.” He said, “Well, I knew that, but it wasn’t the right time.” The thing to understand about guys is that when they’re way into a girl, they’ll do whatever they can to make that known, and then they’ll try to seal the deal. The “right time” doesn’t factor in. (What, was he too busy or something?) He had time to hang out with you a ton, so if he was interested he probably would have made some kind of move. So the question we’re wondering is why? Why wasn’t that a good time? Is that a nice way of deflecting your question without hurting your feelings, or is he somehow different than most of the guys we know, including us? The one possibility of course is if he was hurting over his long-term relationship. But we don’t get that sense. That seems like an easy excuse.

We think he still isn’t sure how he feels. He talks dirty and flirts when he’s remembering all the great things about you. When he realizes he’s not sure, and that he might be leading you on, he pulls back and doesn’t respond to your texts. (We don’t see him as selfish, just confused.) It’s easy for people to remember all the positives, and forget that they weren’t sure from the onset. He’s vacillating because he very much wants to have strong feelings for you, but he doesn’t want to start something and then realize that it’s not what he wants. (And he cares for you too much; he doesn’t want to hurt you.)

That said, we still think it’s worth reaching out to him. What have you got to lose? Sure, it might make the friendship awkward, but honestly the friendship is already awkward because you want more. Guys do take time to mature. If we’re doing our math correctly he’s 29 and it’s about that time that guys wake up and start realizing all the things they don’t know. An awakening of sorts. Maybe his awakening will include you? But it sounds like you’re going to have to be the one to get this conversation started. (Although we’re hoping he will.) Is there a way to casually inquire about seeing each other? Would he have a reason to visit your hometown in addition to seeing you? What about you visiting him? That might give you more control over the situation? If you visit and stay at a hotel or something, you could always leave early if things weren’t working out. (We’d definitely recommend staying somewhere other than his place based on the unclear nature of your relationship.

What do you think? How does this plan seem? Leave us a comment below and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Leave all in comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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My first boyfriend; Dating across cultures (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy friend four months after he broke up with his girlfriend of four years. (He had intentions of marrying her.) He and I are dating and I know that we’ll never end up together. But is it wrong for me to want to be a real girlfriend in the mean time? We talk everyday, practically all day. Texting. We hardly talk about anything of substance; I feel he saves those conversations for his older friends. It’s not like I don’t expect him to talk to them about things; but he could talk to me too.

We hooked up rather quickly and whenever he mentions “I miss you” it’s always in conjunction with “let’s have sex.” So, when we do meet up, just the two of us, he always wants to know what naughtiness we’re going to do. It’s been five months and we’ve been on a total of four (max) dates where we just spend time together. It’s been four months since we’ve gone on a date, just the two of us. But he makes regular time for his friends.

He says even though we don’t see each other often, we talk every day. But our schedules are not ridiculous where we can’t see each other. And I don’t think it’s fair to only see each other to hook up. He says he cares so much for me and he loves me, but what if he’s just saying what I want to hear. If I bring up the fact that we don’t spend enough time together and I feel like it’s all about sex and I’d like to chill out on the sex part and have a more meaningful relationship, he’ll want to break up.

So, I don’t tell him and it instead reflects in my attitude. And sometimes I think, I should just tell him and if he wants to break up, then that’s that. We’re gonna split eventually. (Due to religious differences) So why should it matter? Did I mention, he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated, i.e. my first boyfriend. We’ve “broken up” before, but he still wanted the sex part of the relationship to continue and I guess he realized he couldn’t have it without being more emotionally involved. So, what if it’s just a song and dance?

I used to compare myself to his ex, because before we started dating and even knew it was a possibility. He had told me about her and how he felt, the things he would do with her.

I don’t know what to do.

Ria

Dear Ria,

Thanks for your question. There’s a lot going on here. We’ll try to address each issue one at a time.

First of all you’re not doing yourself any favors by keeping all of your feelings to yourself for fear that he’ll break up with you. Not only are you selling yourself short, but you’ve given him all the power in this relationship. You might be okay with it for now, but believe us, over time all you’ll feel is resentment towards him. Don’t settle and accept emotional crumbs. If you want more, then talk to him. Our rule: If you’re having sex, then it’s not too soon to define the relationship, or at least have a conversation about it.

However, from what you’re describing he seems pretty clear that he just wants sex. Maybe he’s agreed to some sort of “relationship” but honestly he would be exhibiting very different behaviors if he saw you as long-term potential. (He’d be taking you out on dates, introducing you to his friends, wanting you to meet his family, spending money on you, and making you feel quite special.) Basically he only makes you feel special when he wants sex.

Now we understand that the cultural piece is factoring into this situation, but we don’t think it’s the primary issue. So instead of exploring that issue here we decided to provide you with some links to questions we’ve previously answered on the topic. Check them out below.)

Bottom line: Don’t settle Ria. You deserve to be with a guy who’s as excited to be with you as you are to be with him.

Our suggestion: Talk to him as soon as possible. If he breaks up with you, he’ll be saving you a lot of heartache in the long run.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll do us a favor and share our site with your friends. Also, help a fellow reader out. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page and leave a comment if you have a moment. Thanks. We appreciate it!

Other questions about dating across cultures:

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call?

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played?

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Cross-cultural relationship; east meets west

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out online dating sites

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I met online a year ago. Once we started dating we both deactivated our accounts. But after a fight I saw that he reactivated his. After approaching him about it he apologized and deleted it. A few months later after another fight I saw an email notification that he had signed up for a completely new online dating website. I am unsure how to approach this or what it means. Right now things seem better than ever as we approach our one year anniversary, but maybe they are not as good as they seem?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. We’re glad things seem to be better, but do you really think you should ignore this pattern of behavior? (Every time the two of you have a problem, he goes and starts exploring dating sites.) His behavior is a red-flag. It basically means he’s got one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. As soon as something goes wrong he’s off checking out what else is out there. This is not the behavior of someone who is committed for the long haul. And it means a part of him is not satisfied with what he has.

In order for relationships to thrive both partners have to choose the relationship every day. The relationship must be their first priority when they’re out traversing the world. Because these days, with online dating, chat rooms, and other web related activities, it’s easier than ever to stray. And not only stray, but to hide any “activity” from a partner. That’s why this needs to be addressed now.

We understand that you’re scared to broach the topic for fear that he’ll leave, but honestly, if you don’t, it’s not like the problem’s going to go away. And really, just because he’s physically in the relationship doesn’t mean he’s committed emotionally. Do you really want to be with a guy you can’t trust? Do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t feel as excited to be with you as you are with him? We don’t think so. If he freaks out and breaks up with you, you’ll have all the answers you need. As sad as that might be, he’ll be doing you a favor, and you won’t waste any more time with a guy who cheats. If he doesn’t freak out, and seems completely remorseful, apologizes, asks for forgiveness and says he’ll do anything to restore the trust in the relationship—including going to couple’s counseling or something like that—then at that point you can decide if that’s what you still really want.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? Do you have any follow up questions? Ask away.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: Chance meeting; now what?

Hey Guys,

I recently met a guy very randomly when out with my friends when visiting back home. (I work and live abroad). My guy friends said he was so ‘into me.’ He stayed with us all night, then stayed at the hotel with me. Stuff happened but no sex. In the morning he pretty much begged me not to forget him, and asked when I’d be back next; he suggested he visit me in November.

Okay, so it’s been a few weeks and we have been messaging each other on Facebook and some messages are kind of nonchalant and others cute. I invited him in November which he thought was great then but then he didn’t mention it again and asked if I was home for Xmas. (Which I am).

Anyway, he does the whole thing where I message him and sometimes he waits over a day to respond. Now I’m a tough cookie and if he doesn’t message me I won’t message him, but I don’t want to play games. Surely if a guy is into you he shows it, right?

Now my guy friends are confused. They said it could be that I have a very high-powered job and a high standard of living, and he feels a little intimidated. They say, perhaps he can’t afford to travel over. They also said maybe he is playing it cool as he is divorced with two kids.

I’ve met a lot of materialistic men and it’s nice to finally meet someone who’s down to earth. I’ve had a very rough few years and I don’t want to be too hopeful.

Could it be that he lost interest already?

Emily

Emily,

Thanks for your question.

There’s something you may not be considering. (Or your guy friends.) You don’t mention how old his kids are, but we’re assuming in grade school, or middle school. If that’s the case, traveling to see you in November may be difficult. Yes, he got a little bit excited, and maybe he was more excited about the “idea” of you and love, rather than the reality, but having kids can definitely impact a person’s flexibility and freedom. And sure, money is likely tight as well. (Kids are really expensive!)

We doubt he’s intimidated by your high-powered job. But we also don’t doubt he’s unsure of how to proceed, or how accepting you’ll be of his “situation.” Maybe that’s what’s tempered his enthusiasm? Whatever it is, don’t stress over it. And don’t give him a hard time about coming or not coming in November. Just go with the flow, do your thing, and see him in December. You need more information here, and the best time to get that is when you’re with him face-to-face.

Finally, keep in touch with him, but let him do most of the initiating. We don’t love his inconsistent communication honestly, but that’s not necessarily a red-flag. (But it’s something to consider.) What it does mean is that he doesn’t get it; he doesn’t understand that communication is very important in any stage of a relationship. (Hopefully it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.)

So stop worrying, and just see where this goes. It could be that he got excited initially and now he isn’t sure, but more likely this is one of those nebulous chapters in a relationship where everything is up in the air. December is right around the corner and we imagine you’ll get plenty more answers then.

We hope this helps. Do you have any more questions? Feel free to ask away. And do us a favor? Please share our site with friends. (Your guy and gal friends.) We appreciate it. Thanks.

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My daughter’s relationship

Hi Guys,
I need your help in helping my daughter understand what is going on. She has been in a relationship for almost two years. (Plus another ten months that he kept asking her out.)

Everything was great until a week ago. He is away at college only 45 minutes from here. She is here in college. It is hard on her being away from him. Anyway, they fight a lot about trust and she gets angry and screams at him on the phone. So he told her that he needed to take a break, and for her to give him his space. That was three weeks ago. Then he texted me and said he wanted to give her a promise ring for their two year anniversary and that it was time to take it to the next level.

They got back together that day, and he told her he was sorry and that he loves her and misses her. That week he came home for fall break and they had and wonderful time. He went back to school late that Sunday and all was well. (Oh and he ask if he could have his class ring back because he missed wearing it. She gave it back since it was too big for her to wear and it just lay there on her dresser.)

Monday morning he didn’t answer her text and so she continued to text and text blowing up his phone. He finally answered and said his phone battery was low and that he would call her when he charged it. Well by this time she was thinking all kinds of things and when they did talk they had a fight. Anyway, come last Saturday he told her that he need to let go of stresses in his life and that she was the one he could let go of. He needed to find where he was going with his future, and that he was breaking up with her as he didn’t need to be in a relationship at this time. He said he loved her, and his head was telling him to stay, but his heart wasn’t in it. But since then he has not gone a day without texting her, mostly joking around. He doesn’t say he loves her or misses her. She wants him back, and is trying to let him come to her. She doesn’t text or call him. Now we are at the weekend it has been like this for a week.

I just don’t know what to tell her. One week he is talking promise ring, then they have the best fall break together ever, then he breaks up with her, but continues to text her everyday. I just don’t understand this at all. He tells her there is nobody else, and that if she wants to see others during this time he understands. She pulled herself together (keep in mind this is all over the phone) and told him that she loves him and that she will wait til he tells her he is no longer in love with her and to move on.

Her heart is breaking. Yes she has trust issues, and may not always handle it well, but this? I feel like it was all planned from the beginning about the promise ring to get his class ring back. I just don’t know what to tell her and I want to help her. Please help if you can.

Mom

Dear Mom,

Thanks for your question. We know you mean well and want this to work out for your daughter. And we get it, truly we do. But you’re too close to the situation. Our first suggestion is to take a step back and remove yourself from the equation. We know your daughter and boyfriend are young, but if they’re old enough to be in a serious relationship they’re old enough to work things out for themselves. Your job—and we know you know this— is to support your daughter, listen to her when she needs someone to listen to, and provide her a shoulder to cry on. As painful as it may be, you can’t solve this for her, and nor you should. One way or another things will work themselves out.

While we can’t get inside this guy’s head, what’s going on is pretty typical, especially since he is young—they both are—and in a long distance relationship while in college. He’s confused. On the one hand he loves your daughter—or at least cares for her a lot—and on the other hand he’s in college and he’s wanting to experience that fully. He should, and so should your daughter. College is a time where young people are exposed to new and exciting things. It’s a time of self-discovery and self-actualization. It also can be a lot of fun, but not when you’re tied to a relationship that is weighing on you. And so, while we’re not mind-readers we’ll take a gander at reading his. What we see is a confused young man who doesn’t know what to do. Part of him wants to be with your daughter, and the other part wants to be free to experience college to the fullest.

So what this all comes down to is timing. Or rather, bad timing. While he’s not necessarily handling this very maturely—we don’t like his flip-flopping—he’s doing the best he can with his limited experience and grace. Trying to transition a high school relationship to college is a very difficult thing to do. (We’re assuming they met in high school, but even meeting early on in college is tricky.) Sure, some people marry their high school sweethearts, but these days it’s rare. What CAN happen is that high school sweethearts break up, explore and live on their own for a time, and then get back together. But when this happens—which is also rare—it happens organically. There’s no plan, it just becomes clear to them that they should be together, usually because they live in the same town and keep running in to each other, or they’re keeping in touch casually and then they realize they want to be together again. But frankly, the high school relationships that do work, only work because the people have experienced what they need to experience on their own, and then choose to come back together. (Choose is the operative word.)

So support your daughter, but let the chips fall where they may. If these two are destined to be together, it will happen. But right now he’s choosing to live his life, and she should try to do the same. There are a lot of great experiences to be had in college, but they both have to have their eyes open in order for that to happen.

Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Or have your daughter ask as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Sex Advice: He’s sketchy with his internet use

Hello Guys,

My boyfriend of a year now still has an issue with closing out of a window when I walk into a room. It really bothers me. There was an issue back in April of this year that I saw him clicking through his ex-girlfriend’s pictures all the time. What made me look in the first place was I was always near him and could see what was going on. Oddly enough it was never their pictures he’d be clicking through when I’d be there or walk by. I started to pick up on the fact he’d get all weird when I did walk by and I actually did see him click out of Facebook when I walked by.

He went to work one day and I saw allllll of these girls he had been looking at. After awhile before I said anything I wanted to see if it continued. It did. I did confront him after not too long and he denied that he was ever with any of them, denied that they were ex’s and tried to walk out of the room. I knew for a fact they were, and after a bunch of yelling he admitted it. Did I want to yell and be in tears? No, but he was being a liar and I had moved away from my home to be with this man and to now find out he was creeping every ex’s photo they had was upsetting. He would even try to look at one’s profile that was private!! I’m not some jealous control freak, but when he swore up and down in the beginning how much he couldn’t stand them why would he be stalking them??

That was April. Recently in September we were on his computer; he typed in something and the history brought up one of the same ex’s profiles. The history showed links of him obviously searching her. He called me a control freak and threatened to leave me because I was mad and upset over what I saw AFTER we had already been through the fact that it wasn’t cool. He said at first that was months ago, but it was obvious he looked her up. This was the same girl he would try to look up who had a private profile on Facebook.

My question. Why would he swear up and down how much he can’t stand these girls for one? (I did see messages from the past where he was nice to them after their awful so called break ups. Not like he was calling them crazy whores then.) And two, do I have something to worry about? Is he a potential cheater or is his creeping harmless? From time to time I still do catch him clicking out of his internet tab really fast and awkwardly when I walk by. If I ever bring something like this up I’m called a control freak and sent through this circle of how it’s my problem and my illusion.

Please tell me the reason for this behavior? Am I dealing with a liar and potential cheater or am I the issue? Please help.

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question. Well, obviously we’re only hearing your side of the situation, but you seem like you’re trying hard to be objective. And if you’ve described your situation accurately then you are definitely not the problem. He is.

All people are curious about what their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends are up to. Even if the breakup was bad, once you’ve been intimate and close with someone, a part of you is always connected to them. It’s human nature to be curious. Guys take this a step further though. Most guys fantasize about having sex with their ex-girlfriends. It’s normal. Most of those guys aren’t thinking about getting back together with their ex, but they’d like another few shots at hooking up. Why? Because, much of the time guys don’t break things off because the sex isn’t good, they break things off for other reasons. 1. They don’t want a commitment. 2. The girl doesn’t satisfy every “requirement” they have. Looks. Personality. Whatever. 3. The timing is off. 4. Something is missing for them. We know this is somewhat vague, but understand that guys can compartmentalize sex and love. And to be very direct about it, a guy will crave sex with a woman who he thinks—or remembers— has a hot body, even if he isn’t attracted to her face. (We know, brutal. We even have a hard time saying it, but it’s worth it for you to know. And other women reading this.)

Questions: Is he just looking at pictures, or is he corresponding with any of these women? Do you have any details about the correspondence? That might help you assess. And us.

The red-flag here is the lying and sneaking around. That’s more our concern than him “creeping” about on his ex’s Facebook page. We don’t expect him to say, “Honey, just wanted to let you know that I’ll be checking out “so and so’s picture now.” But after getting busted he should have fessed up instead of trying to reverse things on you. And just because we say it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s okay, especially since he knows it’s very upsetting to you. (We don’t blame you.) Ask him how he might feel if you were checking out all of your ex’s pictures? You have every right to feel suspicious, upset, confused, angry, and resentful. And he should be doing everything he can to prove to you that he loves you, and that his internet shenanigans are not a threat to you, and that he’ll stop. He’s not doing that, and that’s what bothers us. That’s the issue here. (Unless of course you find some damning correspondence, or find out he’s actually hooking up with some of these people.) At this point, that’s too hard to call.

So what do you think? What’s your plan? We think you need to get more information from him and find out what’s really going on. He needs to tell you directly WHY he is doing this. (We’d be interested in his response, and whether or not he tells you the truth.) And then the two of you need to figure out how you’re going to move forward from this. It’s possible you might need see a couple’s counselor to help you resolve this issue. We don’t think you should sweep it under the rug.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. Leave us your question/comment in the comments’ section below. Also, do us a favor? We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

THE GUYS

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Relationship and Dating Advice: Man of my dreams, but I feel uncertain

Dear Guys,

About six months ago, I met this man at work and we became good friends. From day one, he would always follow me around during our shifts and find ways to keep me company and help me out with tasks. Early on, I found out about his girlfriend and I mentally put him as “unavailable.” Then, the trouble began. He started amping up his efforts and making it impossible for me to ignore him. I fell for him, and I fell pretty hard as well.

A few months after our friendship developed, this man and his girlfriend decided to wear “promise rings” and I was shocked. He was clearly flirting with me at work—all my coworkers thought so— and I was very confused by this. In August, she moved to a different area of the country and he claims their relationship has ended. As soon as she left, I became closer with him.

Now, I spend three or four days a week at his house, even overnight, although we have not slept together. He calls me several times a week, and will text me at least once a day. The promise ring has come off. He never mentions the name of his ex or anything, I always have to bring it up to ask if he is seeing her. He has suggested we move in together into a two bedroom apartment; I’m not sure if that means anything.

Basically, I don’t know where we stand right now. He wants to spend all this time with me, but will not commit to me, although we have had the talk before. I don’t understand if he actually is in love with me—he has said he loves me—or if I am being manipulated in some way. I know he still maintains contact with his ex girlfriend, although I don’t know if this contact is appropriate or not.

The fact that he technically cheated on her by flirting with me for months has me feeling scared. I am scared he will cheat on me. I am scared I will be discarded so easily. I am trying to trust him, but I need to know if you think he is being serious with me, and if he honestly does love me.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

It’s very important that you trust your gut here. Clearly, you’re not sure, and something is bothering you. And we can see why. He’s shown that he’s capable of being “unfaithful.” (Although some would argue that flirting isn’t being unfaithful.) He’s shown that he’s capable of juggling two women at once. (Promise rings, flirting with you, etc.) If you put these behaviors together, it’s very possible he’s a player.

However, we aren’t mind readers so it’s hard to know what he’s truly thinking or feeling. Based on his actions he certainly seems like he’s very much into you, but since he won’t commit to you we can’t determine to what extent. So the first thing that you need to figure out is whether or not his other relationship is truly over. To us, that point seems nebulous. He says they are over, but then why is he still talking with her? It doesn’t seem like they’ve made the transition to friends, so that’s something to look into. What exactly is the nature of their communication? And why is he even communicating with her at all? The fact that he doesn’t mention her name at all, but still talks to her, makes us suspicious. If they were just friends then he could share some of what they talked about. Red-flag here.

We suggest you proceed slowly with this until it’s more clear and you feel more certain. And moving in with someone is a big deal. You need to feel 100% sure—as sure as anyone can feel in a relationship—before you do that. A lot of people think if they move in with someone, or get married, or have a baby, all of a sudden that’s going to change things, or give them more control over the other person. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. He is who he is, and until you really know who that exactly is, we’d recommend taking this slow. Relationships are all about trust. You don’t have that foundation yet.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question, or questions. And keep us posted as this progresses.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Military long distance relationship

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Relationship and Dating Advice: I need more from my husband

Hey Guys,

I’ve been married 10 plus years, so you would think by now that I’ve got my husband figured out. We’re both military and have endured many separations for long periods of time, months…a year…the list goes on. He’s been gone three months and we have three more to go. He tells me he loves me everyday on Skype but I am still lonely and missing him.

I asked him to talk to me more about wanting to do things with me…you know, sexually. (Even if we can’t I still think about it and need to know he still wants to; otherwise what am I waiting for?) I have tried to tell him I need him to flirt with me OR just talk about what we’re going to do when we’re together again. I even sent him a list of things he could do to put me at ease and make me feel more secure about our separation (i.e. Text me dirty messages or something) I’m not asking him to have cyber sex; I just need to be reassured I’m still the one.

I don’t believe in cheating and feel like we have a solid relationship but it seems the more I try to tell him how I feel, and what I need, the less I get. He’s not in a combat zone and has his own room in a physical building this time, so it’s not like he would be embarrassed by the guys if he sweet talks me. I just dont understand; I’m not a sex addict; I think we had a good sex life before he left —probably average for couples who have been married this long—but I feel like I don’t know how much longer I can hold on without resorting to putting up my wall. (Which I’ve done and actually seems to draw him to want to be closer to me but makes me miserable.)

I won’t cheat—I’m not a cheater— and he is a good man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I find myself depressed which I don’t understand because after all these years you would think I’ve gotten used to this. I am in such a funk I don’t know what to do or how to get myself to snap out of it. Should I just accept what he can give me while he’s away? I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it 3 more months at the rate were going.

I stay very busy at work and make sure I don’t put myself in any positions that could compromise my vulnerability and only hang out with female spouses who share the same committment as I do, but lately I find myself fantisizing about other people. (Not anyone in particular, just someone who tells me he wants to rub his fingers through my hair or how nice it would be to make love until the sun comes up – when at my age 45, that’s stretching it.) I’m not going through menopause or a midlife crisis—already been there/done that—and I’m confused as to whether he is just bored with our relationship OR is in love with someone else…I know he loves me but I don’t feel like he’s in love with me anymore. I would appreciate any help you can give to help this separation come to a happy ending.

Thanks,

April

Dear April,

Thanks for your question.

You almost talk about your husband as if you don’t know him that well, as if you have to play some game to get him to notice you. Why is that? You talk about putting up your wall, but that seems kind of rash. (Unless you suspect him of cheating. Do you? Has he given you a reason to wonder?) From our perspective he seems like he’s pretty good at communicating. He seems committed to you; he tells you he loves you everyday; he makes an effort. Maybe you’re not feeling the spark right at this moment, but that’s the way it is with long term relationships. The spark ebbs and flows. And distance tends to amplify every issue that comes up. If he were home, you may not even be thinking about this; but the fact that he’s away makes this seem like it’s a colossal problem. We don’t see it that way.

Has he ever been the kind of guy who feels comfortable getting intimate via phone, Skype, email, text? A lot of people aren’t. He sounds like one of those people. So why are you putting so much pressure on him to be a certain way? What’s really going on here April? Are you starting to question the foundation of your marriage? And what do you mean when you say you don’t know if you can make it 3 more months at the rate you’re going? We’re confused about that. What do you plan on doing?

Fantasies are normal. They are not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. In fact, people who let themselves enjoy their fantasies, often have healthier and happier primary relationships. It’s about acceptance. Accept the fact that this is going on for you and relax about it. No, we’re not saying cheat. Turning fantasies into reality is a whole other ballgame. We’re not suggesting that in the least. We are suggesting that you need to try and accept how you feel right now, and not focus on what it means, but understand it’s part of a continuum. And that you’re in a dip right now understandably. (Your husband is away and you miss him, the intimacy, the sex, everything that comes with loving someone.) But also understand that in a few months you’re likely to be back in the flow, and then happier and more balanced.

In the meantime, snap out of it. If you really have issues to work through, you’ll work through them when your husband returns. For now, let yourself feel how you need to feel, but don’t give it greater meaning that what it is.

Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. And feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. We’d also love to hear your responses to some of our questions, so we can offer some more feedback.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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Other questions about long distance relationships and the military:

Military relationship; what do I do?

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out other men on craigslist

Dear Guys,
I have been with my boyfriend (I’m a girl) for several years. When I met him I knew he had fetishes but I thought he reserved them for at home play. Over the years we’ve gotten into arguements about his constantly chatting with women online and receiving pictures, and looking at women’s porn sites. This led me to believe I had no problem with his ‘fetishes’ leaving the house.

Bottom line (no pun intended): In doing detective work based on his elusive behavior, and picking fights, and going to sleep before I get home, I discovered he has been perusing men to meet on Craig’s List, and has met several.

Of course, even with tangible evidence he would never admit to anything. Would you?

To get to the point, this has been an ongoing thing; we fight, don’t talk for days then it blows over and he wants me to believe—and I want to—that the ‘men on the downlow’ thing will stop and go away.

Will it ever? Or does he ‘need’ to be with men?

Thank you for your help.

Dee

Dear Dee,

Thanks for writing to us. So we know what your questions are, but what do you really want from this relationship? Are you hoping his desires will slowly fade, and that he’ll turn into the kind of boyfriend you envision building a life with? (That’s what we’re getting from you, although you don’t actually say it.)

Let’s not focus on the “men” issue, and let’s just focus on the fact that he feels the need to explore beyond your relationship. Some people are comfortable in an “open” type of relationship, but clearly you’re not. And therein lies the issue. It’s not that he’s hooking up with other men; it’s that he’s hooking up with other people besides you. Yes, the fact that he’s attracted to men, or at least enjoys being with them sexually, presents other questions that may need to be addressed at some point. And that may puzzle you and make you wonder what’s going on in his head. But we think you’d possibly be even more upset if he was hooking up with a bunch of random girls. In some ways, the fact that he’s with “men” is probably less threatening.

We don’t get the sense that this is going to stop anytime soon. At least not with you. Why? Because in some ways he thinks you understand him, and by understanding him, he thinks you’re kind of giving him the green light, even though you’re not. In order to reverse things, you need to sit him down and explain clearly that his behavior is not okay, and not acceptable in the parameters of your monogamous relationship. And if he gets defensive and says something like, “You knew who I was from the get go” then you’ll know he has no plans of changing.

Having said this, our gut tells us he may change for a time, but eventually this will all start up again because this is who he is. And if you’re not comfortable in this type of relationship it might be time to rethink it.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Leave us a comment in the comments’ section below. And ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Sex Advice: Do guys always expect sex when dating?

Hey Guys,

I come from a country where premarital sex is a big no-no, and therefore I have to be a virgin before I get married. Currently I am living in England. There are a lot of guys asking me out, but I always refuse because I am afraid that they’re gonna demand sex from me. So my questions are: How does Western culture view premarital sex? Do I absolutely have to sex if I date a guy or can I just go out with him and have some fun without sleeping together? How long can such dating last in your opinion?

Thanks!

Pippi

Dear Pippi,

Thanks for your question. You’re not as alone as you might think. We’ve heard from many women who feel this way. Maybe they come from different backgrounds, but they view premarital sex as you do. So we’re going to provide as much information on the topic as we can. You can sort through and decide what’s pertinent to you.

A guy’s view and expectation of premarital sex depends on how strongly he feels about the woman he’s dating. Let’s run down some different scenarios for you and how they relate to expectations about sex.

1. He just wants to date you casually: In this case the guy will either expect a lot or not much at all in terms of sex. If you’re just out having fun, and you’re clear from the get go that you’re not planning on jumping into the sack with him, a guy might be able to enjoy your company without putting pressure on you. (That could last months or longer.) One Note: But he will be searching around for someone else to have sex with while he’s hanging out with you.

2. He wants to dating you casually in hopes of having a Friends with Benefits arrangement: In this case he’ll be looking to have sex with you right away. And he won’t understand what’s the big deal. We’d stay away from this scenario. How? By being very clear up front. If the guy only wants sex, he’ll hint around it, or ask you directly if you’d like to do a FWB/Booty Call type of arrangement. If you say no, you probably won’t hear from him much after that.

3. He’s interested but wants to get to know you better: In this case the guy is intrigued by you; but he wants to know more about you. Typically he’ll be expecting sex by the third or fourth date, if not sooner. You’ve got about a month before he’ll start pressuring you. It’s more like emotional pressure rather than anything scary. If you keep denying him, and he’s not an understanding guy, he’ll be gone within two months. If he is serious about you—and he’s a good guy— he’ll stick around and see how it all turns out. Could be a while.

4. He’s in love with you (Or at least thinks he is): In this case, the guy will be very patient with you. We’re not sure how many guys will want to wait until they’re married to have sex, but he will be patient. You’ve got six months to a year in this case. Maybe even longer.

Of course you do realize that these are generalizations? Guys vary widely, and they all don’t fit into neat categories like this. One of the main reasons Western guys want to have sex before marriage is because they want to see if they are compatible sexually with the woman. It’s kind of a big deal, and for many guys it’s too scary to enter a lifelong commitment with someone who’s on a different page sexually with them. Because sex does play a huge part in a marriage. In fact, sex, money, and children are the three most cited issues in a marriage. So a guy will want to know these three things before he marries you:

1. Are your sexual appetites compatible? If he wants sex four times a week, and you’re happy with once a week, that’s an issue for him. (And it can only get worse when you throw kids and other stressors into the mix.)

2. Are you willing to explore? The longer a guy dates someone, the more he’ll want to experiment. (Positions, toys, videos, role playing, costumes, etc.) The sky is the limit. He’ll want to know if you’re open to exploring with him.

3. Are you physically compatible? For the most part people fit together okay. But not always. And sometimes a woman will need something a man can’t provide and vice versa. This isn’t rocket science. But a guy will want to know he can satisfy his woman, and he’ll want to know his woman is able to satisfy him.

So that’s probably more information than you need at this point, but just file it away under: Information about sex.

Do you have any other questions? Feel free to ask away.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Homecoming Dance; I think I really like him

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Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is going to Homecoming with another girl

Dear Guys,

So my exboyfriend and I dated for a year. We broke up due to the fact he was brewing some kind of relationship with this girl, or more of a way too friendly friendship. It caused us to fight so much and to tear down the trust we had for each other. After plenty of arguments and screaming I walked away from him.

After a few months we became friends again; but now we still treat each other like were still together. I love and care for him very much and I can tell he has been trying to change his bad ways and really feels regret for putting me through so much sorrow with that other girl. Well now that we are kind of in a relationship again—sort of— the issue of homecoming came up. I unfortunately got asked out by some guy a month ago, which I said yes to because I felt badly and also, my boyfriend and I weren’t as close as we are now. Well now my boyfriend asked out some girl which I’ve been feeling really jealous about. She’s gorgeous and I can tell is totally interested in him. Since our last incident with the other girl, I haven’t been completely able to trust him. I told him how uncomfortable I felt about him asking her and he did it anyway. He tells me nothing will happen, but I just can’t seem to trust him nor can I trust her. I know it’s not fair for me to tell him not to go with her anymore, but I’m so jealous.

I knew he felt a little sting when I got asked out, but he knows my date are I just friends. Do you think it’s wrong of me to ask him to not take this other girl? Should I just trust him and let him go with her?

Liz

Dear Liz,

Thanks for your question. We agree that this is a bummer. But this kind of thing actually happens quite a lot. (Two ways.) Your way, where people break up, get back together and end up going to the dance with different people. Or, people get asked to Homecoming—possibly by just a friend—and then they start dating someone else. It’s always a bit awkward, but not usually more than that.

So, what do you think? Do you think it’s fair of you to ask him not to go to Homecoming, especially since you’re already going, and the two of you are only “kind of” in a relationship? And even if you were in a relationship, would it be fair to ask him not to go? Would you then tell your date you’re not going with him?

We understand why this is upsetting, but this is something you’re going to have to push through. Look, what’s the worst that can happen? He decides he likes her and not you, or they hook up or something. Yes, that would be very upsetting; but if that’s all it took for him to dump you and date someone else then you’re saving yourself a lot of heartache. Because if that’s the way he thinks, even if you avoided it now by asking him not to go, it would eventually happen some time in the future. (We’re hoping he doesn’t think that way.)

So go to the dance, try to have fun, don’t make a big deal of it, and don’t ruin your date’s time by looking over your shoulder the whole night. Think about how he’ll feel.

Hopefully this will just be another bump in the road; and maybe it will actually be a good test to see if what you have with your “kind of” boyfriend is really as strong as you think. If you get past this, then you’re on your way to a more solid and trusting relationship, and if you don’t, then it’s time to move on, and you’ll be better off without him.

Let us know if you have any follow up questions. Leave in the comments section below.

Take care and HAVE FUN,

THE GUYS

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Another question about Homecoming:

Boyfriend hides our relationship

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Why is my boyfriend hiding me from his family?

Hey Guys,

I’ve been with my first very serious boyfriend for a year and a half now, we have a seven year age difference. I’m 23, and he’s 30. He is a divorced and has a child from his first marriage. I love him dearly and have accepted him and moved on from the baggage issue. His family knows about us; however the problem is that his older sister, whom I have not yet met, seems to not know.

While snooping through his email—which I know is wrong and a breach of privacy—I realized that in an email to the sister he had sent her a list of items to bring from overseas. (Things for his son, himself, me, and the ex wife.) My issue is, what he ordered for me (two pairs of shoes) he listed under the EX’s name! His ex knows about us too, but I am hurt that he would not acknowledge me to his sister. I’m hurt that these very petty things keep coming up at this stage of the relationship. I’m hurt that he has pretended that my stuff is what his ex has asked for. (The fact he is still getting her things is another issue on its own). I don’t know what his behavior means and don’t know how to approach it without spilling the beans on my spying. As I said, he is my first real love, he is the first guy I’ve been intimate with and I’m not prepared to leave him. I want this to work but for everyone to know who I am. Please help!

Thanks!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Thanks for your question. Clearly you’re looking for more reassurance from your boyfriend that he’s as serious about the relationship as you are. And we understand that it would be validating for you, if your boyfriend told his older sister about your relationship; but it doesn’t mean the opposite just because he hasn’t yet. (Maybe he’s waiting to tell her face-to-face? And he doesn’t want to have to explain in an email or via phone.)

But let’s talk about your snooping. Why were you snooping in the first place? What gave you cause to mistrust your boyfriend? And is this something you do on a regular basis? If so, why? It seems to us that you’re feeling insecure in this relationship and we’re wondering where that’s coming from. You, him, a specific event, or some combination? Because you’re right, if you had no good reason to snoop—meaning, you didn’t suspect him of cheating—there’s no way you can admit to doing it. Something to think about. Please enlighten us. (This process may help you as well.)

We agree with you that he seems a bit too emotionally connected to his ex. Sure, they need to have an amicable relationship in order to raise their son in the healthiest environment, but ordering her items from Europe seems a bit over the top. (Of course if they are friends—which is actually better than being enemies; for you as well—then this is what friends might do for each other.) That said, sometimes it’s necessary to put up clear boundaries in order for each spouse to move on and rebuild their lives. It’s not fair to their present partners either. (Meaning, you)

Some of your insecurity Stephanie, probably stems from two sources: Your age difference and stage-of-life difference. The fact that he’s already been married, has a child, has an ex-wife, has been working for a while, possibly makes you feel like he has a step up on you. It doesn’t need to, but that’s pretty typical, and that’s why it requires even more trust and communication to make these types of relationships work. He needs to reassure you that he indeed is very serious about you and doesn’t feel above you and you need to let go of some of these worries and trust that he loves you. Otherwise you’re going to be in for more confusion, resentment, and heartache as this relationship progresses.

Stephanie, if you’re constantly feeling inadequate, unsure, worried, suspicious, and upset, on a regular basis, that’s something you need to consider. We’re not saying this relationship can’t work, but sometimes if a relationship is a constant struggle, it’s just not worth it. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

So you need to start talking to him more about some of your fears. Try not to overwhelm him—he’s got a lot on his plate already—but he does need to know that you’re feeling uneasy about things. (It doesn’t even have to be specifics.) But remember, since he’s at a different stage of life, he may be looking for a relationship that’s easy. And if this gets too complicated for him, he might bail. And this is what we mean. Just be careful not to compromise everything you want out of a relationship to be with this man. Seriously. He’s got a major head start on you. If he’s willing to slow down and work with you so you’re both on the same page moving forward great; but if he’s not, that’s something you really need to think long and hard about. Either way we wish you the best and hope this gives you some perspective.

We’d love hear your thoughts on this and get some answer to our questions so we can offer a few more opinions. (If you want more!?) Also, feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Other posts on the topic of hiding a relationship:

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Cheating boyfriend and his ex-wife

Dear Guys,

I have been in committed relationship with my boyfriend for 2 months. He has been divorced for twenty months was married for twenty nine years. He has had an on going sexual relationship with ex wife.

I was having breast augmentation surgery and he lied and said he was out of town on location during it. While this was going on, his ex came into town. He let her stay at his house and told me his phone had broken and he could not call me. He went and bought a new phone to prove it had broken but I saw credit charge card records that showed he was in town and that he took her to dinner. He then said he rode production back to town to talk to her because she was upset; he said he stayed an hour, got her onions rings, and went back to location.

Meanwhile I just had surgery. He did not call me or check on me. He said she just wanted to talk about her boyfriend, and he told her about being in love with me. He swears he did not sleep with her. I asked to see phone records, texts etc. on computer, to see if phone really broke. He said if he has to show phone records he will walk. What do you think about not having any phone contact with her? She lives in Nevada and is waiting for her to get the rest of belongings out of his house. They have two children 28 and 25 years old.

Linda

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your question. Something you should consider when you think about your relationship. You’ve been together with this man for 2 months and he was with his wife for twenty nine years. They’ve shared more than half their lives together. That’s a long time to be connected and that also means it might take a long time for them to become unconnected. Here’s another post to check out that’s relevant to your situation. “Boyfriend and his ex-wife”

That said, first thing that bothers us is the fact that he was missing in action during and after your surgery. We’re not sure of the impetus behind getting breast augmentation, but if it had anything to do with him, he should have been there to support you. (Even if it didn’t he should have been there.) We’re sorry about that. Frankly, this may be the biggest red-flag we see with your situation.

It’s clear that he’s still emotionally connected to his ex. Sure, a lot of people still need to have daily or weekly contact with their ex to raise their kids, but since his kids are already adults, child rearing is not the reason they’re so emotionally connected. Clearly they both have unresolved feelings for one another. Whether he’s having sex with her is almost irrelevant. (He says he didn’t. You suspect he did.) The fact that she still leans on him when she’s having difficulties in her life means she’s still open to him and wants him in her life. And the fact that he allows it, maybe even encourages it, tells us that he wants to still be connected to her.

So Linda, there are many things to consider here. Clearly, your well-being is not a priority for him, otherwise he would have wanted to be with you during and after your surgery. And doesn’t it seem ironic that he was with his ex-wife during that time? You need to think long and hard about this relationship. Asking for phone records isn’t going to help the situation. More pertinent questions to ask him are: Why are you and your ex-wife so emotionally connected? Would you like to get back together with her? Where do you see our relationship going? If you’re so emotionally attached to your ex, are you really able to be in a relationship with another woman, me? Once you get the answers to these questions, you’ll be better able to figure out how you want to move forward, or not.

We hope this helps you see things in a different way. Do you have any more questions for us? Ask away, or leave us a comment. (Below in the comments’ section.) And keep us posted. Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

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The Ex Files: Friends with benefits?

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The mystery of guys’ feelings; how do you know when a guy wants more?

Hey Guys,

My question seems kind of the opposite to the kind I keep finding concerning Friends with Benefits; so I thought I should ask: when is a guy hinting he might want more than casual sex?

I got into a no-strings-attached deal with a really hot guy, thinking I could get a trustworthy and reliable lay without having to worry about his well-being otherwise; and for a while everything was going peachy.

However, I’m starting to worry that he started the hookup with ulterior motives; thinking (correctly I might add) that I wouldn’t want anything more from him since I just got out of a long term relationship with a friend of his.

So what are the warning signs? If I watch a movie with him, cuddle with him, or stay the night after we hookup, am I leading him on?

I was under the impression that as long as we aren’t seeing each other except on the nights we plan on sleeping together, we are keeping proper boundaries. However, my girl friends seem to think he’s looking for something more and I’m enabling that.

I could really use a guy’s perspective on this one! How affectionate is too affectionate in a casual relationship?

Harli

Dear Harli,

Thanks for your question. And you’re right, it’s not what we expected; however it does happen from time to time.

Cuddling is not a tell. For guys that’s usually part of the “getting laid dance.” We’ve had lots of questions where women cite cuddling as a sign that the guy has deeper feelings for them. However, that’s not necessarily true. Cuddling is certainly a sign that a guy might want more, but it has to be coupled with other things. Those are: Taking a woman out on dates, introducing her to his friends, and announcing to the world that she’s his. (Not in a creepy way, more a proud way. Although this could be difficult because he’s friends with your ex. He wouldn’t want to announce to his buddy that he’s sleeping with you.) By itself, cuddling is a way to ensure more sex at a later time.

Now, in your situation, cuddling could mean something more because he’s friends with your ex. And herein lies the tell. The fact that he’s hooking up with you even though his buddy was in a relationship with you says that it’s possible he’s more serious about you. Why? Because guys will do everything they can to avoid having sex, or a relationship with, a woman who’s slept with someone they know or even worse, a friend. Just the thought of their buddy being intimate with their woman is enough to give them the shivers. But since he’s ignoring those feelings, this makes us think it’s possible he’s more serious about you. (One note: There is a subset of guys who actually relish the idea of sleeping with their buddy’s girl. A kind of alpha thing, a dominance thing. But that’s a small percentage of guys.)

Staying with this thought, there’s also kind of an unwritten rule that says guys won’t mess with their friend’s exes. So factoring in all of this, yes, it’s very possible he’s into you. He’s risking a rift with his buddy by sleeping with you. And when you add in some of his other behavior it’s very possible he might be thinking more seriously about you than you’re prepared to deal with.

The easiest way to figure this out is ask him. Why don’t you? What are you worried about? If you really don’t want a relationship with this guy then you need to clarify the parameters again. Otherwise you’re creeping into dangerous territory, where people get confused and upset. Yes, typically it’s the other way around—the woman wants something more—but either way, it’s never fun when someone gets hurt.

And this brings us to our final thought. We don’t really encourage FWB because this kind of thing always happens. It’s inevitable because sex is very intimate. (Check out our video on the topic. On our Video Page.) So question for you Harli: Are you sure you don’t want something more with him? Maybe it’s worth thinking about?

Be sure to leave us a comment below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And have your friends comment as well. We’d love to hear their opinions.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

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Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits?

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Learning not to be insecure

Dear Guys,

Five months ago a man I work with asked me out. I was stunned. I even asked if he was feeling okay as we have rarely spoken to each other. (I’m witty.) But after he assured me he wasn’t sick, and that he’s an RN and he should know, I said yes.

He told me he’d asked around about me beforehand…research LOL. I also had heard that he had gotten separated some months before. I went out with an open mind & no real expectations. That was 5 months ago. There have been ups & downs. (His withdrawing & my insecurity about it.) I don’t want to be the rebound girl. He spoke openly about what he’s going through and I’m so thankful he did. ( The pending divorce in a few months, his recent birthday ..he’s almost 50. Plus he has other stressors.) I’m divorced so I definitely get the things he’s feeling. BUT. Here is where my insecurity lies: when he doesn’t text or call much, or see me much, I feel like I’m in this alone.

He said he loved me the first a couple of months into dating. Scared me to death because I was afraid he didn’t know what he was feeling. I went with it. Trusted. I hope that we will make it through to the other side.

I gave him an out because I want happiness for us both. He said he didn’t want out and he’d try to meet me half way about a little more contact. I don’t nag and I have let him set the pace from the beginning. I just needed him to understand that I didn’t want to feel alone. That my insecurity came from feeling that way.

So..what advice can you give us ladies who care & love the divorcing, aging, introverted man?

Tot

Dear Tot,

Thanks for your question.

It seems that you’re handling yourself quite well. A little humor, some honest communication about your needs. We wish some of the young people who are just starting out in the dating world handled themselves as well as you.

So why were you stunned when he asked you out? Was this a commentary on him, or you?

Tot, you know as well as we do that confidence is sexy. A guy who carries himself with confidence is always attractive, even if they don’t posses other qualities that society deems attractive. The same holds true for women. If you tell a guy you’re feeling insecure, his first instinct will be to pull away. The more independent you are—even if you’re feeling lonely—the more he’ll want you. (Yes, things don’t change as guys get older.)

This guy wants someone who’s in a similar station as him. He’s busy. He probably has kids to see, a demanding job, friends. And now that he’s getting divorced he wants to do all the things he felt he couldn’t do while married. This likely means resuming hobbies, hanging with friends, and focusing more on work. Yes, he may also want you in his life, but not to the point where he’s going to want to give up all of these other things to have a relationship with you.

So it’s up to you to blend into his life. We’re not saying, you need to change who you are, or your life, to fit his life; we’re saying he wants you to have a similar life as his, so he doesn’t feel guilty when he’s off doing things. He wants to know you’re happily involved with your own life—family, activities and friends—while he’s busy living his. Otherwise he’s going to cut ties, especially since, as a newly divorced guy—well, almost divorced—the last thing he wants is to be tied down in a serious relationship.

That said, we do feel he’s interested in you. Hopefully he’ll follow through on his promise to compromise a bit about more communication. And we agree with you. A short call, or a few texts daily wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But once again, it has less to do with the time commitment of those requirements, and more to do with the idea behind them. Basically, he doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Sounds selfish doesn’t it? It is. But that’s where he’s at right now. That’s where all guys are when they get separated and/or divorced. That may change after a time, but right now you need to be patient and understanding if you want to be involved with this man.

Does this make sense? Is this relationship still something you want to pursue? Let us know if you have any other questions. And leave us a comment below in the comments’ section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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I received a random phone call from a guy I used to “hang out” with

Dear Guys,

As the subject line reads! I recently recieved a random phone call from a guy I used to hang out with. He called to ask to use to my dictophone to which I agreed. But there has been no follow up!

In terms of background on us, he is 9 years older than me (I’m 25 and he’s 34). Nothing really amounted to much between us; (no kiss!) we just hung out; but admittedly he is great company. But now he hardly contacts me. However, I do notice when it hits three week mark of no contact between us he either texts or instant messages to check in and see how I’m doing.

So I guess I’m asking what his game is and where to go from here? I would like something to develop here. I think he is attracted but distracted!

Thanks,

Dear CT,

Thanks for your question.

Usually when a guy randomly contacts a woman he wants something more than to use her dictaphone. (For our readers: A dictaphone is a small cassette recorder used to record speech for transcription at a later time.) But he’s probably not quite sure how to proceed since he doesn’t know how you feel about him. He initially contacted you to put out feelers, and he continues this strategy by working in three week intervals. He’s giving you space, but not enough so you’ll forget him.

But what do you know about his situation. Is he dating? Single? Involved? Involved but trying to break up? That might help you figure out his intentions. You need to gather a bit more information here.

A good way to get this started is to just invite him over again for dinner or lunch. We’re not suggesting good food and sex; we’re suggesting a nice meal where you can can get the conversation started. Because at the pace this is going, it could be years before he makes a move.

Last thought: After you make the initial move, he needs to initiate all dates after that. (At least for a while.) That way you’ll really know what his intentions are, and how serious he is about you.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

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Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

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He cheated; should I break up with him?

Hey Guys,

My boyfriend and I will be together officially two years in October. But we have had a lot of ups and downs starting with his flirting with females. I know guys flirt but I feel like he takes things too far especially when sex comes up. Sometimes he tells women that we are broken up when we are not. Well after confronting him about a situation with a chick he had sent a Facebook message to about going out to dinner he actually confessed to cheating with another female. (Somebody he met over the summer. He let her do a sexual favor on him and it hurt so much.) I packed my bags to leave but instead tried to sit and talk it out.

What should be done at this point? I love him

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry. Betrayal is painful.

You may love him, but the more important question is, do you trust him? Or rather, do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him again? It’s not like this is the first time he’s been deceitful. This has been a pattern of behavior since you started dating. And it’s likely this is not the only time he’s cheated. (This is the only time you know about.)

Cheating is the worst sort of betrayal, and the fact that he’s been exhibiting this kind of behavior since the beginning of your relationship doesn’t bode well for the future. Changing behavior is not easy. He has to be committed to change and then take steps to doing it. Telling you he’s changed isn’t enough. He’s got to show you. How? He should probably start seeing a professional—counselor and/or therapist—to talk about why he feels the need to cheat. And then do everything in his power to make this right, if that’s even possible. He’s got to stop the excessive flirting and make you feel like you’re THE ONE. Otherwise, you’re in for a miserable ride.

We hope you’re able to work through this. However, be careful not to compromise who you are to be with this guy. Don’t settle. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, and someone who is committed and trustworthy. Ask yourself if you really think you can build a life with this guy.

Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Or leave us a response in the comments’ section below. And if you’d like to donate to THE GUYS, no donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Other questions about cheating:

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

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He cheated; and he had sex while we were broken up

Dear Guys,

I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

I’m in a 4-5 year long distant relationship with a guy who’s cheated on me 3 times—flirting, texting, sexting. He was also on dating web sites. Etc w/ other females. Every time I caught him, we would break up for a few months but somehow always get back together. The 4th time I caught him, I decided it was over! I couldn’t take it. We broke up for 6 months (May-Nov.) We started texting again a little in November-January but later found out he was also talking to someone else during that same time. I gave up and cut off all connections with him from that January-August of this year. In that time he never once tried to contact me until recently (2weeks ago) he sent flowers and multiple hand written notes about how sorry he was and how much he loves me and wants me back. He also claimed to be a changed man.

Seven days ago we started talking again via phone/text and I just had a burning question: Had he been sexual with another female?His reply was, yes. He told me it was only one time in October of last year. I feel hurt. If he really loved me, then why did he feel the need to be intimate with someone else knowing he want me back? I had plenty of opportunities to sleep around too, but I always denied the offers. Today he insists “that was the past” and that he wants a future with me. I want to be able to forgive and forget seeing we weren’t together. Now all day everyday I think of it and it just eats my heart out. The thought of him having sex with someone pisses me off and in return I get really angry at him. I hate that I dwell on it.

Am I over thinking this? How do I really move on? I really do love him. I just don’t know how much more heart ache I can take. I want to trust him more as well but I don’t know how :-/ HELP!

Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Thanks for your question. Pardon our skepticism, but the red-flags are flying high.

Him having sex with someone while you were broken up is the least of your worries. In fact, yes, you are overreacting. You weren’t together when he had sex with this other woman. (Although you can be sure that he had sex more than one time.) But even still, what he did while the two of you were broken up is not your concern. Maybe you’re upset because you passed up opportunities and he didn’t, but still, it’s unfair of you to expect him to behave the way you did. And yes, a guy can have sex with one woman even if he loves another. Guys are all about compartmentalizing.

However, what he did while the two of you were together is a whole other matter. We’re not sure why he’s had a sudden change of heart, but based on his previous behavior it’s probably because he’s lonely and/or horny. He may say he’s changed—and it’s possible—but changing this kind of behavior usually takes some serious work. Has he been seeing a therapist or some other professional? Has he processed his feelings with anyone besides himself? Has he been exploring why he feels the need to cheat when he’s in a relationship? (Believe us, you’re not the only one he’s cheated on.) What makes you think he’s really changed besides him saying it?

So the question Anastasia is, why do you want him back? Sure, he might have some great qualities, but if you can’t trust him, there’s not much of a relationship. Don’t settle. The person you ultimately end up with should be as committed to the relationship as you. Do you think this guy fits the bill? And do you really think you’ll be able to trust him again?

Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave your questions and/or thoughts in the comments’ section below. And please share our site with friends. Share on Facebook, Twitter, or any other place you frequent. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Boyfriend’s ex-wife keeps asking him to do things

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend’s ex-wife is CONSTANTLY dependent on him for things grade school children can figure out. She’s a smart woman; she works for the government as an analyst, but when it comes to common sense…she is really dumb. I’m not sure if this is just her “dumbing herself down” to make her ex feel as if she still needs him?? He lives with me and she’s in a different state. We both have children from our previous relationship.

I am NOT dependent in ANY way with my ex (except when it comes to the children’s needs of course) so I understand if she needs advice/help with children. I’m fine with that; I get it. But to ask HOW to paint a wall when something is in the way? Or how to change a battery in a controller? It’s as though she goes straight to him FIRST before attempting to figure out the situation. He claims that he is obligated to make things easier for her as much as he can because he is not IN HOUSE to care for their kids. She’s constantly asking him to move back to be closer to the children. When I just tell him what I think about the situation, he gets all angry and says he should have never said anything. (Which just means to me that he won’t tell me about any other situations that come up.) We’re talking about marriage too, but I don’t wanna marry his ex as well… so my question is, am I annoyed for no reason? Or am I right about her playing this out just because she has to contact him? UGH.

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Thanks for your question.

When people get married, they not only marry the person, but they marry all the person’s past relationships. When a person marries at a young age, most of the time the impact of those previous relationships amounts to psychological and emotional baggage. But in second marriages, or when people get married when they’re older, it’s much more complicated because there are usually more people involved. So yes, you will be marrying the whole package. (Him, his ex, his kids, etc. He’ll be doing the same with you.)

In order for us to answer your question we need to make some assumptions about his marriage and breakup. (Please let us know if we’re way off base.) We’re assuming he left her. (The reason almost doesn’t matter.) And he feels guilty about it. And she’s using his guilt against him. It might not even be intentional on her part, more an instinct, something she knows she can do, a way to keep the connection alive, and the hope alive, that maybe, possibly, he’ll reconsider, and come back. She might not even be aware of this, but subconsciously she’s thinking and feeling it. (Our assumption of course)

Can you blame her? If you weren’t so annoyed you could probably put yourself in her shoes and understand where she’s coming from. She’s not dumb. (You know this) She wants to stay connected to her ex. She’s likely reeling from the breakup. So asking him for help is a great way to keep the connection alive.

But remember Tanya, this connection is partly alive because of your boyfriend. And so now we’ll make another assumption. You’re probably just as annoyed with him—maybe even more—than you are with her. You’re probably thinking, “Why can’t he see this like I’m seeing it? What’s his problem? Why does he let her manipulate him?” And we understand your frustration. We do. But we also think you need to do a quick 180 on this and reconsider your stance.

The way you’re approaching this is divisive. You’re unwittingly pushing your boyfriend away, and your creating a division between the two of you. He’s not going to tell you things in the future, and that’s just going to lead to more and more frustration and resentment on your part, which is going to lead to more and more arguing. We’re not saying you’re going to drive him into her arms, but you are going to drive him away from you, or at least create an emotional divide, which we know you don’t want to do.

We’re not ignoring your position. We can totally see how this could and would annoy you. But keep in mind the big picture; and keep in mind how difficult a balancing act this is for him. He’s got you on the one hand, and he’s got her, and he’s got his guilt, and he’s got his kids. We’re not letting him off easy, but you’ve got to understand that you have no control over the dynamic of their relationship. You need to either shift your position quickly, or be upset all of the time. (That doesn’t sound like much fun.)

The thing is, she’s not a threat to you. The only threat here is how you’ve positioned yourself. So our suggestion: Sit your boyfriend down, explain to him that this is hard for you, but that you also understand how difficult this is for him. Make sure this is done calmly and quietly like you’re having a nice discussion. Let him know you love him and from now on you’re going to try hard to support him. And then follow through. Actions speak much louder then words.

Then finally, try to make a paradigm shift with his ex. Stop seeing her as a threat, but as someone who’s hurt, and not sure how to move forward. If you extend an olive branch to her and treat her warmly you might be surprised at her reaction. Try to work towards diffusing the situation instead of escalating it. And you may surprise yourself. If you stick to this plan, in a few months time you may realize that this isn’t that big of a deal. And that there are much bigger and better things to focus on: Like building a life with the man you love.

We hope this helps. We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

ps. Please share our site with friends. Or share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus. If our advice is helpful, please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.) No donation is too small, or too big! Thanks.

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Nice, flirty, interested; how do you tell?

Hi Guys,

I have wondered about the question above, since I’ve been divorced for six years. There is a man that has been coming into my work center for a few years now. We engage in the normal pleasantries and for the past six months he has been very
attentive to me. He lives in another state. We don’t talk long, as he has to prep his work area down the hall, then leaves on a flight.

He always comes to my area, smiles, jokes around and asks what my plans are for the weekend; the next week he asks if I did the activity I planned. He says some really sweet things like it made his week to see his favorite agent, or it wouldn’t be worth coming here if I wasn’t there. He is not afraid to be vocal when he says these things. A lot of people won’t give me the time of day due to my profession, but he isn’t afraid of speaking or being seen with me.

I don’t know if he’s married, no ring, but that doesn’t mean anything. I am very shy and am not good at flirting but I tell him how nice he looks etc. We just click and I think I have a bit of a crush on him. I was thinking of writing a short note to tell him how much I admire him and the aforementioned qualities. I don’t want to hurt our passing friendship, so I won’t say how I feel when I see him. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to read anything into it but that he just like teasing me, for fun.

What do you think I should do? Should I let him know by note that he’s a wonderful person or is that going to make him
uncomfortable? I don’t ever want to do that. How do you tell? It seems like such a fine line.

Ann

Dear Ann,

Thanks for your question. Now you got us curious. What do you do for work? (Can you even tell us?) Why would people not talk to you because of it? (And it’s a good sign that he does.)

You are so right when you say this is a fine line. It always is. The fact that these interactions are happening at work is also factoring into the equation. It’s one thing to ask a woman out at a bar, it’s quite another to ask a woman out at work—even someone you work with occasionally. It’s all about implications and consequences. It’s one thing to get rejected at a bar, it’s quite another to have a work relationship blow up in your face. So as we answer your question, this variable has to be considered.

Ann, it’s time to be a detective. It might help your decision if you knew more about this guy. Is there anyone you can ask? Can you google him? The other way to glean information is hint around without actually saying it. For example: After he asks you what your plans are for the weekend, you could say something like, “So what are you doing this weekend? Are you taking your girlfriend out on the town?” You can get away with this if you say it in a flirty, joking kind of way. (We know you say you aren’t great at flirting, but we’re confident you can do this.) Based on his answer you will probably learn a lot. You might say to yourself, “Well, won’t it be obvious that I’m sniffing around?” And our answer is: Yes. But that’s not a bad thing. He’ll get a better sense of where you stand. So instead of writing him a note telling him how you feel, start by doing it in a circuitous, flirty way. If you learn he has a wife or serious girlfriend, then you’ll know his visits are strictly friendly. And if they’re not, then you’ll learn something about his character because that means he’s being deceitful, and trying to cheat on his partner.

The other tricky part of this is the fact that he lives in another state. He might be very interested in you, but not be interested in a long distance relationship. But if he got to know you better, he might change his mind on that. So question for you: What time of day does he come in? Would it be possible to take your break around the time he visits? Or go to lunch? We see no reason why you couldn’t ask him if he’d like to grab a coffee, or go to lunch. Yes, it might be a little forward, but it would break the ice a bit. And once you were away from your work environment, both of you might open up a bit.

If none of our suggestions work, and you’re still feeling like you want to reach out to him, then yes, a short note revealing your feelings would be okay. And if he doesn’t reciprocate, well, then the fact that you don’t see him that often will actually play in your favor because he won’t be around every day to remind you of the rejection.

So start by trying to investigate a little and see what happens. Be patient. Give this another month or so, and if things don’t progress with Plan A, go to Plan B. But remember, once things get rolling, he needs to be the one to take the initiative. It’s okay to break the ice, but after that, he’s got to be the one making the moves. (Asking you out on a proper date, etc.) Otherwise you’ll still be wondering where he really stands.

We hope this helps. Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Now, or a month or two from now. Leave us a comment/question in the comments section below.

Also, please let your friends know about our site. Share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, etc. We appreciate it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. If you’d like to donate to THE GUYS, no donation is too small or too large. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. Thanks!

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

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Online Cheating

Hi Guys,

Ive been with my boyfriend for 18 months and recently we have started talking about moving in together.

I had been having a feeling that maybe something wasn’t right and a couple of weeks ago I checked his phone. In the sent messages there were messages to a “Kate” saying thank you for a good time, it would be great to meet up again. I confronted him about it. He said that he started to panic about us moving in together as his last break up was so difficult. He said he had to be 100% sure I was the one. He decided to go back on line to test his feelings and arranged one date that lasted an hour; he decided there and then that it wasn’t right and wouldn’t be doing it again. This also coincided with other good things happening between us that helped him make his decision. He said the messages he sent after were saying he couldn’t do the dates she had suggested but he never just said no and he doesn’t know why but he was sure he wasn’t going to meet up again.

The other issue I have is that he carried on talking to a number of people after he had made this decison not to “test” our relationship with another date just because he found it flattering and a bit of fun and he was going to cancel at the end of the month. He now says he knows the answers to his questions and he really does love me and wants to take the relationship forward. He also has been coming over more, making more time for me, calling and planning nice things for us to do together. He seems really sorry but I wondering if this story is believable?

Many thanks,

Claire

Dear Claire,

Thanks for your question. So what do you think? Let’s say his story is believable, do you forgive him? Do you trust him? Has he done other things in the past that make you wonder about his story? Will you be able to trust him in the future? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

His story could be believable. Or not. It’s hard to say. And it’s almost a moot point. What’s more relevant is that instead of talking to you about his fears and doubts—yes, that might have been a difficult conversation—he snuck around behind your back, joined a dating site, talked to a bunch of women, went on at least one date (that he’s admitted to) and has still kept up correspondence with other women since. And the kicker: You had to find out about it by yourself; he didn’t volunteer the information to you. The issue we see is not what he did, but how he went about doing it. So what happens in the future when something comes up between you?—some stressful event let’s say. Will he then feel the need to “check out” for a time and test the waters in some other way? Because the red-flag here is how he chose to deal with his doubts, not that he had doubts. In fact, we’d be surprised if he didn’t have doubts. Many guys do when faced with the prospect of committing to someone long term in whatever capacity that looks like. (Living together, engagement, marriage.)

The good news is that he seems remorseful and recommitted. Maybe his actions have gotten him to a solid place, but what about you? Obviously you’re not feeling as clear about him now, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to us. What we suggest is that you don’t move in together until this is completely resolved. If you’re still feeling hurt, unsure, nervous, angry, you need to talk about these feelings with him. And he needs to be open to talking about this as long as you feel the need to. He has to understand that he betrayed you. (Sure, maybe not to the degree that some do, but still a betrayal.) And when this happens, trust is broken, which often takes a long time to repair. He has to understand that his actions had consequences and that you might need to process this for a long time.

Finally, don’t settle Claire. He may be the one for you after you work through this. But keep in mind that you deserve to have someone who feels the same for you, as you do for them; and someone who’s committed to working through issues, especially when things are tough. We hope you can work this out.

Do you have any other questions? Leave us a comment below. We’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We’d appreciate it if you shared our site with friends. Or share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, etc. Thanks!

Other questions about cheating:

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again?

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

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How do I begin a long distance relationship?

Dear Guys,

I recently met this girl through a mutual friend. We have been talking and have gotten to know each other pretty well. We went on a trip with our mutual friend and her boyfriend. The trip went well and we hit it off. She lives around 9-11 hours away if you drive. I’m just not sure what steps to take to pursue this relationship. I am used to going on dates but not sure how to keep this relationship going if we can’t see each other more than once every two months. I planned on going to visit her with our mutual friend but I just worry about going too fast.

All summed up, I am foreign to how to pursue a relationship when it starts long distance.

Nick

Dear Nick,

Thanks for your question. Obviously you feel this relationship has some potential. That’s great. Does she feel the same? That would be a good first step. (To find that out, that is) She has to be just as optimistic as you in order for this to get off the ground, because the very nature of a long distance relationship is more intense than a relationship where people are located in the same city. When someone declares they want to try a long distance relationship, they are declaring that they see something special. If she feels as you do, then you’re halfway home.

If she’s open to the idea, then don’t worry about how often you’ll visit, start by trying to talk to her on the phone or by Skype on a regular basis. If she’s willing to put the time in to talk, that will be a good indicator how open she is to seeing where this goes. Email, text, IM are also useful channels to keep communication flowing, but should be used as complements to talking on the phone. Since you’ll probably have differing views on how the communication will “look” that’s something you need to work out. For example: How many days a week will you talk? What time of day? Who will call who? How long will you talk? Yes, the details matter. Put out feelers to her and see what she wants. Remember, you want this to be fun for her, and you, not turn into a chore.

We also think resurrecting the ancient art of letter writing might be useful. Believe us, there’s nothing like getting a hand written letter in the mail. It will show her a different side of you. And an occasional package with a letter might be a neat way to spice things up and give her a little piece of you in between visits. Once again, keep the channels flowing.

Which brings us to visiting. Here, you also need to discuss the details. Believe us, the minutia matters. Insecurity and doubt will creep in quickly if one person is making more of an effort than the other. Issues to discuss: How often will you see each other? Who will pay for the plane or other expenses? (If that factors into the equation.) Will you vacation together? Will you alternate visits? In your case, you might need to be the one who offers to either visit, or pay for her to come see you.

If things progress well—we hope things do—remember what the goal is here. Making a long distance relationship work is only the short term goal. The actual goal is to be in the same city together, enjoying each other and building a life together. We’re not saying you need to create more pressure by throwing that topic into the mix right away, but that should certainly be part of the discussion at some point.

Is this enough to help you get started? Let us know if you have any other questions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please share our site with your friends. And share us on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, etc. We appreciate it! And consider a donation to THE GUYS using the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. No donation is too small or too large. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more?

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Why do guys call when they’re drunk?

Dear Guys,

Simple enough question, simple enough answer right? I’m expecting the answer to be along the lines of “booty call.”

BUT what if the guy who calls you is your platonic guy best friend of four years? He never wants to come and see me; he’s just always very soppy and loving and expressive when he’s drunk. He calls me and gets into the “I’m a lover not a fighter but if anyone ever layed a finger on you they’d have me to answer to,” kind of conversations. He’s even once called me drunk from the other side of the world on a lad’s holiday twice on two separate occasions tell me he loves me, misses me etc.

So why do guys call you when they’re drunk if you’re nothing more than friends?

Elle

Dear Elle,

Thanks for your question. Simple answer. Because he wants to be more than friends with you.

We don’t see this as a “booty call” inquiry. If so, why would he call from some distant place with no possible way of reaching you? We’ll answer our own question. Because you were on his mind. He was probably telling his buddies how into you he was, and how he missed you, and how he wished he could get the courage to talk with you, but he doesn’t want to make things awkward, so they said, “Just call her. Tell her.” And so a drunk call ensued. But since he was drunk he was less than articulate, and probably forgot the reason he was calling in the first place. Or chickened out.

At least that’s our interpretation. Are you surprised? What do you think? Would you be into having a relationship with this guy beyond friends?

Leave us a comment or ask a follow up question. (In the comments’ section below.) Also, please let your friends know about us. Share below on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or wherever you frequent.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We do welcome donations, and no donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

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Can a guy and a girl really be friends?

Hey Guys!

So I’m 18, and have a platonic friendship with a guy who’s 21. We’ve been friends for almost four years but the last two years our friendship really became a solid one.

We used to argue a lot when we were younger and we did have our problems, to the point where I needed a break and cut him out of my life for six months. But after that break we got talking again and we’ve eventually regained our friendship. We haven’t had a single argument in the past nine months; we’re equals to each other; we share everything; we know each other inside out; we can express how we feel or if the other has annoyed us we can tell each other without it becoming a problem or turning into an argument; we respect each other; we care; we’re protective of one another (him more so over me than what I am over him); we trust one another and always encourage and want only the best for one another. And admittedly I do love him to pieces and I know he loves me, but in a strictly platonic way. He’s my go to guy, the one I want to call when I have good or bad news, and he’s the guy who calls me from the other side of the world to ask me how an interview went. The one person who always sees the best in me and can always make me smile.

Now my question is, that’s how I see our friendship. Recently some of the things he’s said and done have caused me to wonder about how he sees our friendship compared to the way I see it.

For example, recently a guy who I’ve known for a while—he knows him too, but doesn’t know him personally—became a romantic interest of mine. And my guy friend doesn’t like him. He doesn’t know him or anything about him, but after one incident where this guy walked me home and tried it on, which I refused his advances, my guy best friend automatically does not like him. He tells me this guys a creep, that if this guy ever wants to walk me home again, he needs to have his permission to do so. He’s involving himself too much in my personal life, and I don’t even involve myself in his. He’s told me that every time he sees this guy he feels irritated and wants to tell him to “fuck off.”

Then recently after a night out, he was about to walk a girl home and we bumped into each other. We hugged and he asked me to text him when I got home to know I was safe. He then called me (drunk) and told me the girl had asked who I was and he’d told her that I was his “friend with benefits.” (When our friendship is nothing of the sort and nothing like that had ever happened between us in the whole four years we’ve known each other.) So you can understand why I paused in my response as I didn’t know what to say to that.

Is he just being overprotective with this guy who’s shown and interest in me or does he see our friendship in a different way that I do? If so what should I do?

Elle

Dear Elle,

Thanks for your question. Here’s a related question we previously answered: What does my best friend want?

The answer starts with you. What do you want? Let’s say he was interested in being more than friends with you—we think he might be. Would you be interested in him romantically? Because how you proceed will be based on how you answer those questions. You need to be completely honest with yourself. Could you see him as more than a friend? Not, do you wish you could see him as more than a friend, but could you actually see yourself romantically involved with him? Or do you strictly view him as your closest friend?

It’s a risk for either of you to express that you might want more from the relationship. He’s skirting around the issue, dropping hints, exaggerating to other people about your relationship, being overprotective, and frankly, protecting his “territory.” Don’t get upset. That’s just how guys are when they care about a woman. It’s not that he sees you as someone who needs protecting, or who even wants it, it’s just his guy instincts kicking in.

It’s unlikely he’ll come right out and tell you he wants more from you, unless he’s drunk again. It’s too much of a risk for three reasons. 1. He doesn’t want to lose your friendship. 2. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself. 3. If he doesn’t say anything he can always hope that he still might have a chance with you. If he says something and you don’t feel the same way, then the opportunity is lost forever.

So once again Elle, what do you want?

It is possible we could be misinterpreting his actions, but it seems we see what you do. At least we’re assuming, otherwise why would you have written to us wondering what was going on.

If you only see him as a friend you need to start establishing clearer boundaries. He shouldn’t be getting involved in your romantic interests, and he has no right to comment about the guys you are interested in unless you ask his opinion directly. He also needs to back off the overprotective guy mode and remember the two of you are just close friends. And finally he needs to stop exaggerating about your relationship to other people. That’s just a subtle way of gaining control over you, like he can steer this relationship in the direction he wants. But unfortunately these parameters need to come from you. You’re going to have to say something, otherwise he’s going to continue behaving this way.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but alas, the decision is up to you. Have you thought of having a talk with him about what’s really going on? If you want more from him, have you thought of telling him? At some point—probably sooner rather than later—the two of you need to hash all of these things out. Otherwise this could boil over into a situation where you need to “break up” for a time, like you did before.

What do you think? Leave us a comment, or a follow up question in the comment’s section below.

Also, we’re hoping you’ll share our site with your friends. Also share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, or wherever you tend to frequent. We’d appreciate it. Thanks!

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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I hooked up with another guy while married

Hi Guys!

I’ve been happily married for almost twenty years. On a business trip a few months ago, I met a guy at a bar and we really hit it off. I found him incredibly attractive—physically and intellectually—so when he made his hopes clear, I couldn’t resist taking him back to my room for long. The sex was hot.

I haven’t hooked up for more than 20 years, but no one night stand has ever been stuck in my head like this one. I keep reminiscing about the time we spent together, dreaming about him and fantasizing about the possibility of connecting again next time I’m in his town. Am I completely crazy? I need to let this go, and am not sure if it is really “him” that I’m obsessing about, or the experience itself.

What’s the guy’s perspective on this situation? Do thoughts of me cross his mind, and if so, does he just think I’m a total whore? What would he think if I reach out next time I’m there—would he prefer that I just go away forever, or do you think he might welcome the opportunity to spend another night together?

Thanks in advance for your advice!

Suzie

Dear Suzie,

Thanks for your question.

The sex is always hot in this type of situation. You’re in a new city, you meet a new person, the conversation is exciting, the tension builds, the hotel room beckons, and the next thing you know you’re having the best sex you’ve had in a long time. Well of course you are. Think about it: Breaking the rules is exciting; it’s always been exciting—remember doing this as a kid?—but that doesn’t mean you should do it. And honestly, the hot sex, has as much to do with the situation than it does the person, maybe more.

But for the sake of your question we’ll start with this other man’s perspective, and then go from there. We don’t know his status—married or single—but if he was into the sex the first time, he’d be into doing it again. Not many men would turn down sex in that situation. (Unless he’s married and feeling guilty.)

However, we’re not recommending that. We’re recommending the opposite. We think you need to figure out why you strayed, so it doesn’t happen again, and then recharge your efforts on making your sex life within your marriage more exciting. Or renew your efforts to make your overall marriage more interesting and exciting, which often leads to a better sex life. Is this the first time you’ve done this, or has this happened before? (We get the sense it has just from the way you worded one of your sentences. “I haven’t hooked up in more than twenty years.”)

So what’s your plan? Why do you think you were open to an affair? Can you pinpoint what’s wrong in your marriage that made you want to have sex with another guy? You say you’re happily married, but typically, people who are happily married don’t have affairs. So what’s the deal? Are you bored? What’s happening? Finally, do you think you’ll tell your husband?

So yes, we think jeopardizing your marriage for an exciting fling isn’t worth it. (You didn’t even say if there were kids involved, which would make the stakes much higher.) Remember, that the very nature of a fling makes it exciting. It’s taboo. It’s done in secret, almost as if you’re getting to live someone else’s life for a time. And who doesn’t want to do that from time to time? But we suggest quelling your urges, not contacting this guy again—or tell him not to contact you again—and focus on your happy marriage, so it stays that way.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave us a comment in the comments section below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Is a guy able to have a relationship with one woman without getting bored?

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He joked about a threesome

Dear Guys,

A guy friend texted me this: “Would u beg to have sex with me and my friend( a guy)?”

So I pissed and replied, “No, ur gross.”

Then he replied, “Ha ha, I was just joking; we were betting on what u would say.”

OMG, what a douch isn’t he?

So I took a photo of the text and spread it out on Facebook and sent it to some of his friends .

He discovered I did this and he was soo mad at me. He texted me like, “What u did was very spiteful, ur an evil person, i treated u like a friend, is this how u respond blahblah’

But he did wrong at first right?

Dear Z,

Thanks for your question.

What he did was inappropriate. (That’s us saying it nicely, and being politically correct) We don’t think he was joking around. We think he was putting out feelers—no pun intended—to see if you might be interested. Because we bet his response would have been quite different if you had been amenable to the idea. This is not the way friends treat one another.

But for kicks, let’s say he was joking around. Frankly, this shows a severe lack of judgement. Having a threesome is not the kind of thing you joke around about, at least in a text. We could see this possibly happening at a party, where people are kidding around about stuff, and a comment about a threesome flows naturally with the tide of the conversation. But not a random, out of the blue, text. Not okay.

Which brings us to your response. Yes, he committed the first wrong, but you may have taken it a bit too far. Although we wouldn’t worry about it too much; we doubt he will see any sort of long term affects from this. And it might actually teach him not to send demeaning and hurtful texts unless he wants the world to witness his actions. (Maybe he didn’t send you an illicit picture, but a person needs to be careful these days what they send out into the world. Who knows where it might land?) So yes, maybe next time you can take a deep breath before you have a knee-jerk response, but considering the circumstances of what he did, we can’t blame you for being upset.

Your thoughts? Leave us a comment or a follow up question in the comments section below. And let us know if we can answer any other questions for you in the future.

Please let your friends know about our site. And speaking of Facebook, please spread the word about our website there if you could. We appreciate it!

THE GUYS

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Other questions about sex/threesomes:

He talks about having sex with my friends

Showing too much love to my sister

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Is a guy able to be in a relationship with one woman without getting bored or without cheating?

Dear Guys,

I am a girl who is afraid to “put my guard down.” Even though you guys really say men are simple, they really aren’t. I am afraid to give my all in a relationship. Reason being is all men check out other women, fantasize about them, and so on and so forth. Not only that, but men NEED sex. Which even though I give my man sex (since I love it just as much as him) I’m scared he will get tired of doing it just with me and cheat. He claims to really love me and after two years of dating the connection is still there but I can’t truly believe him. He says I’m the best he’s ever had but in my head I’m thinking that if somebody better comes along, I’m history.

So I want to know two things: Will a man eventually get tired of having sex with the same woman? Or does a man actually have the potential to love like you see in romance movies?

Missy

Dear Missy,

Thanks for your question. We understand your concern.

It’s not just men who stray because of boredom. Sex can get stale for both people in a relationship. In fact it’s very natural after a year or so, for what at first was amazing and mind-blowing, to become ordinary and routine. Effort is required from both sides to sustain an exciting sex life. We’ve also heard the same complaint from women: That they’re sick of the ‘same old thing.’ And the point we’re getting at is, if you’re relying on keeping this guy interested based on amazing sex you’re doomed to fail.

You’re right when you say guys check out other women constantly. Yes they do; it’s in the wiring. But remember that checking out other women shouldn’t be threatening as long as it’s done discreetly and respectfully. And checking out other woman doesn’t automatically lead to cheating. In fact it’s good that your guy is open about it. If he was trying to hide his “interest” in other women, then you’d have a reason to be concerned. We’d suggest not trying to suppress his need to do this, as long as he not trying to move his fantasies to the real world. And you know, you might see other men you find attractive; why not share this with him as well so he sees that it can work both ways?

So Missy, so why are you so guarded? Have you been hurt before, or been let down in previous relationships? If so, that can seriously impact your ability to trust. But those feelings stem from you; don’t project those feelings onto someone else. If he hasn’t done anything but be a loyal boyfriend you shouldn’t assume the worst, unless he’s given you reason to not trust him. Has he?

Men are not so different than women. Maybe the pull to have sex with lots of women is there, but for many guys, the pull of a family, and a loving relationship with a woman they can trust, love, laugh with, and grow old with, is also there, and we think that pull is strong enough to prevent most guys from throwing it away with a silly affair that’s only about sex.

Part of this Missy is about you not feeling confident enough that someone could possibly love you for the long term. This is less about your guy straying and more about what you’re feeling internally. We think that’s worth exploring, to see why you’re feeling insecure. Obviously he adores you, so be confident that he will continue to.

As far as the movies, well, don’t believe what you see in the movies. None of that is real. Because relationships are messy and complicated, because humans are messy and complicated. And when have you ever wanted to kiss your boyfriend first thing in the morning when he has “dragon breath?” (We’ve always wondered that about the movies.)

In the meantime, give your guy the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he’s not to be trusted.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask a follow up question.

THE GUYS

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My fiance does what he wants and then say it’s my problem

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He cheated with his ex-wife; and I’m pregnant

Dear Guys,

So this is a complicated long message. Five years ago I began a relationship with my partner who was married at the time. He said it was an unhappy relationship and he wanted to leave, so six months later he left her. Six months after that he realized he had feelings for her again so he spent a week over Xmas with her. I had to let him go to see if it was 100% over.

So anyway he came back after one week. We moved on; it was hard, but we got through it. He always talked about a divorce but never submitted the forms. So almost four years later I discover I’m pregnant and we are both happy. He seems really keen and excited, buying things and being really caring. So last week he tells me he has been seeing her again for the past six months and thinks he has feelings for her. Anyway, he spent a night at her house after I asked him to leave and the next day turns up at the door saying he’s made a massive mistake and he loves me and he was filled with guilt for leaving her the way he did and their relationship was just about sex and nothing else.

Now I’m so confused. How could he not have told me when we discovered I was pregnant tha he was already seeing her again? What do I do? Can I let myself believe he is over her? Can I trust him again? I just don’t know. I love him and want to be a family but what if he really doesn’t love me? He won’t answer any questions straight and keeps avoiding things when I ask about us.

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re in this situation, especially during a time—having your new baby— that should be completely blissful.

You’re right to figure this out now. A lot of people think having a child will solve all of their problems—we’re not saying you think that way—but actually, having a baby only intensifies any issues that are already present.

Obviously your guy is confused about his feelings, and well he should be. He was unhappy in his marriage; but instead of dealing with those feelings directly with his wife, he sought out comfort and love from another woman: you. We’re not trying to make you feel guilty, we’re just trying to help you see why he’s so conflicted. Any person with a conscience and a heart is not going to feel good about doing what he did. He feels guilty; he feels remorseful; but he also is pretty sure he doesn’t really want to be with his ex. And this would account for his flip-flopping.

So part of what’s going on here is the way the two of you came together. It was a covert union, one destined to have holes. That doesn’t mean the holes can’t be filled, and the ship righted, but the two of you need to start hashing all of this out as soon as possible.

He’s got to start being more honest with you. Maybe the first time, you let him try to figure out his feelings for his ex, but these last six months he’s basically been cheating on you. What’s striking is that he just expects you to take him back like he made some little mistake. The thing is, betrayal is a very serious issue, mainly because it undermines the trust that’s been built up over years. We get the sense he wants you to forget his whole foray, move on, and be happy with him; but you’re right to wonder. Who’s to say he won’t cheat again sometime down the road, possibly with his ex, or some other woman? He’s shown a pattern of behavior and those patterns are very difficult to break.

We don’t doubt he cares for you, but the bigger question is, what is he willing to do to regain your trust? Right now he’s not doing anything; all he’s doing is avoiding the discussion. But he can’t keep doing that. The two of you need to have some serious discussions about many matters: How did his indiscretions and explorations affect you and make you feel? How do you know you’ll be able to trust him? What is truly going on with his ex? Is he committed to changing his behavior pattern? How committed is he to you? What do you both need from this relationship? How will you plan on dealing with problems that will surely arise in the future? (They always do, especially with kids.) We also might suggest exploring these issues with a professional. (Couples counselor)

Sharon, if he doesn’t get 100% on board with all that you propose you need to seriously think hard about whether or not he’s the man you want to spend your life with. We’re hoping he’ll rise to the challenge, but frankly, raising your baby will be your number one priority very soon, and you’ll need a partner who will be a solid part of your team. We hope the two of you will be able to solve your problems and get on the same page.

Your thoughts? Leave us a comment, or ask a follow-up questions.

We truly wish you all the best.

THE GUYS

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Other questions to check out:

He’s not involved with the baby; is my marriage over?

Boyfriend and his ex wife have no boundaries

My guy had trouble getting aroused; is there something wrong with me?

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I’m with my ex-husband’s best friend; but he’s into S & M

Dear Guys,

This could take forever. It’s a soap opera. To help get to the point, a short background. I am with my ex-husband’s best friend. In truth, we all three met at the same moment fourteen years ago. My ex was faster at the draw so my current boyfriend has literally been quietly waiting. I had no clue until a year ago. When we hooked up last year, he called my ex to ask permission. Ex was fine with it, but my current boyfriend ended up losing the relationship over us. I was very careful to let him decide, but after quietly loving me for so long he took the jump.

So, this guy and I have been best friends for years. Now we’ve been living together for a year as lovers. Here’s the catch, we are AWESOME together. We are SO in love. It’s gross, but we can’t help it. Even after a year, we’re still acting like teens. It throws us both.

Here’s the problem, he has always been into S&M. I’ve known him so long there was no surprise there. We are both dominate people, and in that game, only one person gets the top. After a year of trying to solve this problem, we knew I could never meet that need for him. I did agree to allow him to find someone to get that need met. He tried for a month, and by the end of the month we both agreed (enthusiastically) that we actually wanted an exclusive relationship. The last standing order was that we were exclusive, and we didn’t want anyone else…but when we were more ready, we would try it out at a later date.

So…fast forward about three months. I leave home to help a dear friend in a family emergency. I do not get a return flight, as I will stay until she no longer needs me. He actually pushed strongly for me to go and provided all the support I needed. But three days into my mission, his son told me his dad was at the bar. I’m like???? Because he went alone. So I investigated. I find his postings on Craigslist….I find a new email address….when I confronted him he got angry and defensive and said I didn’t trust him and automatically felt accused wrongly. He got so riled up that he cursed at me in a voicemail. That was not like him. We both hate confrontations. So I yielded and just told him to do as he wishes. That was 24 hours ago. His last statement to me was, ” I will.” He tried pulling the “I’m a grown man and can do as I please” card. (He’s been getting testosterone injections lately too. It’s likely building his confidence up again.)

For as much as this man worships me, I’m wondering what the heck is going on??? This is the first time he’s ever lied or held a secret. He entrusted me with his entire life, finances, and even power of attorney for his son a year ago. We live like we’re married. We’ve been best friends for fourteen years. We already knew all our stories. His last words at the airport were, “Please call and text me…I hang on your every word.” I don’t care that he needed something I couldn’t give so he’s trying to find it. But, why lie to me; why hold a secret?; why change the rules, especially without notification? This is killing me.

Miriam

Dear Miriam,

Thanks for your question. Sorry we couldn’t get to this sooner. And we’re sorry this is so difficult.

The very fact that the two of you are so intimately connected, and like you said, “still act like teens” almost makes this more understandable. We know that might not make sense so let us explain.

When two people are so connected the way the two of you are, it’s almost as if your identities have fused to become one. For a while—sometimes a long while—that can feel empowering, exciting, mind-blowing even. But after a time, someone comes to the realization that they are losing their own identity in the mix. When this realization happens, the person starts to try and break free, flex their muscles, be autonomous, declare their independence. This is when many couples break up, because it’s a wake up call; it’s a reality check, and more often than not, the reality pushes someone to search elsewhere to find that euphoric feeling again. Of course we all know that that search is futile because the longing they have is more about what’s missing for them internally, rather than something to actually obtain.

What’s going on here is a cousin of that. He doesn’t want to leave your relationship but he still wants to carve out his own space and be more independent within the parameters of your relationship. He’s just doing a crappy job of it right now. This is not about S & M and what he’s not getting from you. (You seem like a very sensitive and loving partner and he’s lucky to have you.) This is about him trying to find himself; this is about him sending you a message that he’s a man, and with that comes independence. Yes, it’s an immature way of going about it, and maybe he feels this is the only way he can do this: by acting like a teenager. But that’s what’s going on, and that’s why he’s kept this a secret from you.

We suggest letting the smoke clear—for both of you—and then sitting down and trying to work through this maturely. Some questions to consider and discuss: What do you need from this relationship? What does he need? Are you both getting your needs met? Is that possible? What compromises can be made to move forward? Is this really about your sex life, or is that more a symptom of some other larger issue? If it is about the sex, more specifically what he needs, are you comfortable allowing him to seek that out elsewhere?

After these questions—and probably others—are answered—possibly with the help of a professional (A couples counselor perhaps?)—you need to come up with a plan for how you will communicate and then resolve issues as you move forward in your relationship. Because, as you know, relationships don’t float forever on the giddiness of new love, they ride on tracks dug from hard work, commitment, mutual respect and love.

What do you think?

Leave us a comment below, or ask a follow up question.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And consider a donation to THE GUYS. No donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on the right of any page on our site.

Questions about Sex:

Can you guys explain men and masturbation to me?

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

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My friend doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t let me go

Hey Guys,

I really need your help… I have this best friend. A guy I’ve BEEN best friends with for the past four or so years, and we have always been connected on a very deep, emotional level. He has had a rather difficult past and personal life with his family that has caused him to have difficulty being emotionally open with people. Now, it was always quite evident to myself, my best friends, and even his, that he had developed powerful feelings for me, and I him. People often asked the both of us if we were dating, or why we weren’t, and our close friends would get frustrated with us for not “just trying it.”

After years of receiving mixed signals, I finally gave up and told him about my feelings for him several months ago. But I told him that I was only telling him about it because I wanted him to let me go. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t feel the same for me, but also got really mad and angry and frustrated, saying that I was being immature for thinking I had to let him go to get over my feelings. And after not only a month of silence, he asked to be with me.

The main conflict with our relationship was that it would only have been able to last two months, because he was going to college and I was staying in our town. We agreed on these terms, and it was honestly the most incredible relationship I have ever been in. He was a very loving, caring boyfriend. He told me he loved me, nervously, one time (which was why I thought it was special, it only happened once). By the end of the two months, despite confessing that we both wanted to, we didn’t even have sex, mostly on his initiative, he said he “couldn’t do that to me” because he was leaving. So he left for two months, still called me every single weekend and texted/chatted me constantly, he came back, and is leaving again in two weeks. My feelings didn’t change, but when I told him that, he said that his had.

I don’t understand how they could have gone away so quickly after being there for SO long? I’m fine with him just not wanting to get my hopes up for a long distance relationship which was why we broke up, I’m even fine if he had just lied to me about his feelings for me, which he has done before. I’m keeping my eyes open to other guys because I want to be smart about this, but I don’t know what to do about my feelings for him. I dated other people while I was just friends with him too, but even then my feelings didn’t subside completely. I don’t even know if I can take continuing on with him as a friend; it hurts me to even think about having to bear it, but at the same time, I’m one of the only people he opens up to about himself and he’s been more like family to me than my real family, and I don’t want to let him go.

He knows it’s hurting me, but he won’t let me go either. What does he want from me?

Thanks

Ariadne

Dear Ariadne,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much.

The issue you have, is that he doesn’t want from you, what you want from him. Sure, he may have given a relationship a go with you, but that was because he feared losing you. He values your friendship, loves you deeply, and clearly considers you his closest confidante, but for whatever reason he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. And besides his capitulation over the summer, he’s been pretty clear about this from the get go. We don’t see a flip-flop here. What we see is a guy who very much wants to be in love with you, but knows deep down that he’s not.

There could be several reasons for this. We feel you need to consider all of them in order to help you move on.

1. He’s not attracted to you physically. (Likes a different type of woman.)

2. He’s gay.

3. A combination of #1 and #2. Meaning, he’s not attracted to you BECAUSE he’s gay.

We know you mention a 4rth possible explanation but we don’t think that’s the case. (That he’s emotionally unavailable.) Why? Because a guy will still try to have sex with a woman even if he’s not emotionally available. In fact that’s pretty much all he’ll be looking for.

The thing is Ariadne, you present evidence to support all the possible explanations. And we believe all of them are worth exploring, especially if you’re trying to move on. Sometimes there is no good explanation for why a person doesn’t feel that butterfly feeling. Believe us, he wishes he did. You’re perfect for him in almost every way. It’s possible he doesn’t understand it himself, or it’s possible he does but does not want to share his true feelings with you, or reveal something to you he’s not comfortable revealing.

The other thing that’s interesting is the gender reversal that’s playing out here. Typically it’s the woman who doesn’t understand why the guy needs to cut off all contact. This woman doesn’t realize that if a guy wants to be intimate with a particular woman, just the thought of this woman being with other guys sexually is just brutal. In your situation it’s playing out just the opposite, which also supports one of our theories.

So how do you move on?

1. Finding out the true reason he doesn’t want to be with you might help you.

2. Distance. (This always makes it easier.)

3. Falling in love with someone else. (This shows you’ve truly moved on, but it’s a situation of the chicken and the egg. Because is it even possible to fall in love with someone else when you’re pining for a different person?)

4. Cutting off all ties. (This may help you, but it also might amplify your feelings, and make you miss him more.)

5. Tone down the friendship. (Take away the intensity and just be friends. Probably a nice compromise.)

Finally, we really think he’s being selfish. You’re telling him how difficult this is and he’s saying, “Get over it. I need you. You’re being immature.” Actually, he’s being immature for not “hearing” you and trying to help you understand what’s going on for him. He’s putting his needs over yours, and that’s something to seriously think about. If you were in a relationship with him, we wonder how else he might put his needs first? Just sayin’

Please leave us a comment below and let us know your thoughts. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Did he cheat?; I’m not sure what’s right from wrong?

Dear Guys,

If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendezvous in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his two days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag?

The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming?

He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him a lot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday.

BooBooBamBam

Dear BooBooBamBam,

Thanks for your question. An interesting situation indeed.

It’s very likely he’s telling the truth. That this was one last “hurrah” and that he’s 100% committed to you. That’s all well and good, but where does that leave you? That’s the question here. He didn’t technically cheat on you since the two of you never had the “are we exclusive” conversation, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t betray your unspoken emotional connection. And herein lies the problem.

If the roles were reversed a guy would have a hard time getting over this betrayal. But it wouldn’t be about some imagined emotional connection with some guy, it would be about the sex. He would say to his woman, “Why did you need to do that? Is he better than me? Is he bigger than me? Do you like the sex more with him? Am I not enough for you?” But we imagine for you it’s more about the bond he may have for this woman, and the fact that you’re not sure you can trust him.

We can reassure you that if guys are unattached they will try to get as much sex as they can, within reason of course. He probably thought to himself, “I might as well get one more taste before I commit myself to this person who I really care about.” But we don’t think it was anything more than that. (If that’s reassuring at all.) As far as trusting him again, you have to trust your gut on that. We can’t look into his heart and tell you what he’s thinking. You need to base that on his overall behavior and how he treats you and this relationship. Positives to look for: Is he a good communicator? Does he share his feelings? Does he listen to you? Does he try to solve problems with you? How does he treat other people? How is he with his friends/family? All of these things give you a sense of his true character, which will help you determine who he really is, and if you’ll be able to trust him in the future.

Our suggestion: If you really love this man, and truly believe this relationship has a chance, then talk to him about how you feel and try to work through this. If he makes it difficult well, then you’ll have your answer. If he’s contrite, and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you then you know he’s really committed to you, and it could be worth exploring.

What do you think? How do you feel about this?

Leave us a comment below, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

THE GUYS

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Can you guys explain men and masturbation to me?

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My guy had trouble getting aroused; is there something wrong with me?

Readers: Anyone else have a sex question? Leave us a comment, or send us a note on our Ask the Guys page.

More questions to read at the end of this post. Scroll down.

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Dear Guys,

So I have been talking to this guy for a while now. He’s 20 and im almost 19. Anyway, I’m not a virgin; I lost that at 13 and I had a baby at 17, but he is.

Well today we finally tried and I couldn’t get him to stay excited for anything. And I tried everything! I have never had this happen before because usually all I have to do is look a guys way and he’s ready to go, but not him. Is there something wrong with me or what happened?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question. No, there’s nothing wrong with you. This is more about him actually.

Let’s get into a guy’s psyche so you can understand what’s going on. Understand, that a guy’s ego can be a fragile thing, and right off the bat your guy is feeling insecure because you’re way more experienced than he is. It’s not like he’s slept with a few people, and you’ve slept with a few more, he’s a virgin, and you’re not. Simple as that. That makes him uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. And if he’s the neurotic type, he’s already imagined you with the other guys you’ve been with and it’s driving him nuts.

In addition, if he’s really into you—you don’t say if this is just a hook up or something more serious—then he’s probably feeling nervous as well. He wants you to think he’s amazing in bed. In fact, every guy wants to be the best for each woman they sleep with. You’re probably thinking, “That’s not possible.” And you’d be right; but that’s how guys think. He wants you to think he’s amazing in the sack even though he understands that in some ways it’s not possible because it’s a new world to him; he’s never done it before.

It’s an interesting concept to ponder. Everything a person does well in life takes a lot of practice. If this guy is an athlete, well, he’s had to work at it. If he’s a musician, he’s had to practice hours and hours. In school, he’s had to do homework, write papers, study for exams, in essence practice to get better. But when it comes to sex, guys think they should just be able to walk in, take care of the business, and have it be the most amazing experience ever. (It may be for them, but it often is not for the woman. At least not that first time.) It’s amusing to think about, but it’s not amusing to guys, or this guy. What it is, is a ton of self-imposed pressure. And that kind of pressure will often impact performance. We’re sure he’s very attracted to you, but if he has all of these thoughts swirling around in his head, that’s enough to keep him flaccid and unresponsive.

So here’s a suggestion: Don’t talk about what happened. He’s already embarrassed about it. (And some guys will even blame the woman for it because of how they’re feeling inside. ) The next time, don’t create this huge buildup like, “Saturday night we’re going to consummate our relationship.” That’s too much pressure. Just let it happen naturally. Maybe while sitting on the couch, watching a movie, start kissing gently, and kind of go from there. Maybe instead of going the whole way you start with some other type of “pressure relievers” if you know what we’re saying. There are other ways to enjoy each other besides just intercourse. No pun intended, but build up slowly to the final consummation.

But to reiterate how we began, this is no way a commentary on your attractiveness or beauty. It’s a common situation that happens more than you might imagine, something that guys don’t like to talk about. Hope this helps.

Questions? Feel free to keep asking. Leave us a comment below. We’d love to hear your thoughts.

THE GUYS

ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Readers: Anyone else have a sex question, leave us a comment, or send us a note on our Ask the Guys page.

Questions about Sex and/or questions about virginity:

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

I don’t want to cheat on my prince charming

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Online dating; should I move forward?

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How do you move a relationship from online fantasy to reality?

Hey Guys,

A little background. I have been married to a guy for ten years and we separated last year. He was an athlete and was away from home a lot. He cheated over an over.

I have no idea how to date! I am athletic myself and have a real easygoing personality. I am pretty and have a degree in sports science, so I have a brain. I am a fun mummy. But I am standoffish. Or intimidating to some men.

I decided to go online dating and really found it difficult to trust anyone or anything they said. One guy kept coming into my radar.. And he is a coach. He is attractive; we connected when we started chatting. I was unsure about this site and my ex gave me a hard time about being on it. So I left. This ‘coach’ understood and we agreed to stay in touch via text.

We also stayed in touch through various coincidences. (Friends of mine knew him. I saw him on the beach. etc.)

I was attracted to him online, but now that I have seen him in person I am even more attracted to who he is. My friend laughed and said that it was unbelievable as I told her that was the guy I was having naughty conversations with online. (We started doing that.) I told him that I had seen him that day and that I knew his family and not to spook him too much, but I thought he was wonderful with the kids.

He replied and it was all good. Now we chat whenever but into our personal emails. He is away again. He turns me on so much sexually that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It’s words on a screen. But during this time I actually went on a date with someone else and he was attractive but when he wrote something remotely naughty it did nothing for me! When this guy—my e-friend—sends me something, both my body and mind respond.

And after all of that. We talk about our desires and he has mever been with a women that likes sex, or engages in outside sex. So I asked him if I was too much for him sexually. He says not at all. And I asked him if he ever wanted to meet for real and he said yes.

What do I want to do? I left him with an email that said give me a message when you are back. I heard nothing for weeks. I know it’s preseason and unlike most women I get it. We chat til all hours and I’m sure he is as turned on as I am.

What are the chances that we will ever meet? Or is this just two people enjoying orgasms online?

Sue

Dear Sue,

Thanks for your question.

First of all there’s nothing wrong with mutually beneficial online sex as long as you’re both comfortable with it. And in some ways if that’s working for both of you, we wonder if you should even try to rock the boat? Fantasy and reality don’t always mix, and when you introduce reality into a fantasy world of your own creation you need to be prepared for almost anything, or nothing.

The reason he’s hesitating is that he’s not sure he wants to delve into the real world with you. Maybe he values what he’s getting from you now and doesn’t want that to change. But we can totally understand why you’d want to make the attempt to transition this relationship to the real world. It’s a natural progression really, and frankly, fantasy can only go so far.

So let’s try to stay positive. Let’s say he’s open to the idea. What needs to happen is the two of you almost have to start over. Because there’s no way you’re going to just transition from fantasy to reality like it was some natural progression. It’s not. That’s not to say it can’t work, but even just from a tactile perspective it’s going to be quite a change. Both of you in the same physical location may even feel a bit surreal. So we suggest taking it slow. Very slow. You may think to yourself that that is impossible considering your history, but we think that’s the way to go.

Start with. Coffee. Tea. Conversation. Lunch. Walks holding hands. A museum. A concert. Possibly a movie. Work your way up to dinner. And go from there. We know this approach may not work, but jumping from the “cyber sack” to the real sack is going to be a bigger leap than you think. The sex may be great, but once you start factoring in real emotions, expectations, real world schedules, things may get confusing and complicated. And if you’re both not committed to sorting through the confusion it’s going to feel like—pardon the computer analogy—a virus hit your emotional wiring.

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment below or ask a follow up question.

And definitely keep us posted. We’re interested to hear how this turns out.

See below for other posts/video/info on online dating.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about online dating:

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more?

Online dating; am I booty call or more?

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating:

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

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I’m not comfortable with having sex

Dear Guys,

Ive been dating this guy for about a month and he has asked me to be his girlfriend a few times. The reason I have said no is because I’m not 100% sure if he is the one for me. I figure we just need to get to know each other more for me to decide if that is what I want.

But my question is, I know he is talking about sex later on, and I know for 100% that in the relationship at one point, he wants to do it. But the thing is, after my last boyfriend, sex is the last thing on my mind.And I really do not want to do it again for a while. But I’m scared if we do start going out and we don’t have sex, that he will get bored and cheat on me. Even though if he says it’s okay not to have sex, I’m still scared he will cheat on me. I haven’t told him how I feel yet because I don’t know what to do. Please help

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question.

You have a legitimate concern, and believe us, you’re not alone in your concern about this issue. Yes, if you start going out he will want to have sex with you. That’s normal, typical, and something that people do when they’re in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s a requirement. What is a requirement is you being comfortable and happy. You shouldn’t feel scared to tell a guy you’re not ready to have sex. And you should only do things that you feel totally comfortable with and sure about.

However, here is something to keep in mind. Right now you’re feeling nervous, scared, apprehensive about a relationship and sex. Those feelings are based on the last guy you went out with and whatever experiences you had with him, which obviously weren’t positive. But you might be surprised. If you decide you like this person enough to give a relationship a try you might find that your initial fears fade away. And that he’s a very different person than your last boyfriend.

The key here is talk to him about how you feel. The right guy won’t run away, or cheat on you, if and when you express your concerns. (As long as you also express how you feel about him and that you care about him, etc.) The right guy will want do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and happy. And what may happen Ashley, is that once you realize this guy is different than your last, you might change your mind about the physical aspect of the relationship.

Since we don’t know this guy personally we can’t say what his intentions are so we’re not saying he’s the perfect guy. We don’t know really, and that’s for you to judge. (Best to trust your gut on that, and consult friends or others that know him. Watch our videos on those topics. Check these out: Listen to your friends or Getting Played/Trust your gut.) But, in order to have fulfilling relationships in your life you need to try and stay open and judge each person one at a time, otherwise your baggage is going to get in the way of you being happy.

Lastly, we just want to reiterate: You should never feel forced into doing something you don’t want to do. You opening up should be on your timeline only. Hopefully he’ll understand that if you choose to give this a try.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? We’d love to hear your thoughts. (Leave it in the comments section below.) And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Dear Guys,

What can I do to encourage guys to ask me out?

Ok, so I have this friend. We have about the same kind of personalities, but it seems that wherever we go: to parties or even in class, guys just naturally want to hang out with her. And they approach her first to ask her out. It’s not the same for me. I feel like I can be a little shy, but not too much, and I’m not afraid to start a conversation with a guy. So why is it that guys don’t just naturally want to ask me out or be around me? I really don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I don’t really feel like it’s an issue of looks.

So I guess in general, I’m just wondering what can I do to subtly encourage guys to ask me out? I also don’t want to come across as a really ditsy, flirty girl. Just subtle things that would encourage a guy to feel more comfortable around me, like my friend has somehow mastered.

Please help? Thanks!

Lizzie

Dear Lizzie,

Thanks for your question.

Of course the first thing that came to mind is, this could be an issue with looks—yes, guys are that superficial, at least at first— but you say it’s not, so we’ll focus on other things. (We don’t know what you both look like, but if you’re a certain age—on the younger side—and she possesses certain, um, “assets” that could be a draw for guys, especially the younger variety.) Just a thought.

But let’s move on. First of all it’s best not to compare yourself to your friend. (Sorry if we did already.) Just because guys are hitting on her and not you when you’re together doesn’t mean this would happen everywhere you went. It’s just those particular guys want what she’s got. So you need to separate the two issues: 1.You compared with her. and 2. Guys not asking you out. They are separate. And since it’s you asking, we’ll focus on you.

Here are reasons why guys don’t ask women out:

1. They’re not attracted enough to them.

2. They’re intimidated.

3. Woman is out of their league. (Goes along with #2.)

4. Woman doesn’t seem interested. (Conversation is difficult, etc.)

5. Woman has nothing to say.

6. Woman is with a bunch of her friends. (Too difficult to approach.)

There are probably more but that pretty much covers it. So when you look at that list do you recognize anything in particular?

Here are some suggestions for you to try or think about:

1. A good place to start is to go out without your friend, almost as a test. See what happens. She might be unintentionally blocking you. It could be the dynamic the two of you have that creates a situation where you get left in the dust.

2. Be aware of your body language. Are you giving off some sort of signal that says, “Stay away” ? (Just be aware.)

3. Guys love to talk about themselves. (Everybody does in some way.) Make it easy for them. Ask lots of questions. Pretend you’re interested. (Hopefully you are.)

4. Be yourself. (This isn’t really a suggestion, but we still think it’s the best policy.)

Honestly, Lizzie, just be patient. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time before you meet some great guy. Let us know if you try any of these suggestions and how they work. Keep us posted please. And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave us a note in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts:

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

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Strictly friends or more?

Dear Guys,

I am 54, and five years ago went on a blind date with a guy who is 64. We dated for eight months, without becoming romantically involved, as he said he did not want a serious relationship with anyone at the time. After eight months he realized I was in love with him, so he broke it off, and we remained friends. Since then he calls me every few weeks to see how I am, and we go out to dinner or cook for each other every couple of months.

I still love him, and we both casually date others. My question is, do you think this man really cares for me, and could his feelings deepen someday, or am I just a convenient social outlet? We used to go out with his friends, but after we broke up, it is just the two of us when we see each other. I have never met a man that I was so compatible with, or for whom I have had more respect.

Thanks for any insight into this long-term friendship…

Debra

Dear Debra,

Thanks for your question.

We wouldn’t say you’re just a convenient social outlet. It seems like this man really cares for you and values your friendship, which we think is nothing to scoff at. (Not that you’re doing that.)

However, if he had romantic intentions he would have made his move by now. Sure, feelings can deepen, but guys typically know right away whether or not they are interested in being more than friends with a woman. He’s had plenty of time, and you’ve given him plenty of opportunities, and told him how you feel, so we don’t see this blossoming into anything more.

That said, it sounds like you’ve met a good guy, and someone you enjoy spending time with. We’d say keep it going if it’s not too painful for you. Feel free to ask us a follow up question if you’d like. Leave your question or comment in the comments section below.

Enjoy and all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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My husband of seven years moved out

Readers: Here is a link to many other posts we’ve written about separation and divorce. Click Here Just scroll down to read all posts. Thanks.

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

My husband of seven years moved out in April. I had gotten up to tend to our new daughter (we also have 6 yo twins) and noticed his cell was lit up. There were non-work related flirty texts from not one, but two married co-workers on the phone. When I asked him to explain he blew up and left saying he wanted space. He promises nothing is going on with either but has not apologized and removed my access to the phone bill.

I was shocked. He is a quiet, calm man and we have always been close. Or at least I thought. We have had our ups and downs but it’s all standard marriage gripes not anything dramatic. Now, he refuses to move back home, work on the marriage or even make a decision and it has now been five months. He comes and goes with visiting the kids but does nothing to help care for them or our home.

On Saturdays it’s as though he is gone for the weekend (stays the night, is affectionate, pays attention to the kids etc.) unless I bring up the separation. Then he says he doesn’t want to be married but has yet to file.

I love him and am trying with every ounce of strength in me to be patient, and to give him time and to keep hope alive that our marriage can survive. Am I being an idiot? Or can a 32 year old man have a mid-life type crisis? Very confused…

Kate

Dear Kate,

We’re sorry. We know this separation is difficult. And the future, uncertain and scary. Maybe we can shed some light on his feelings and intentions.

This could be a mid-life crisis. So what does that actually mean? Usually a mid-life crisis is when someone looks at their life and says, “Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? Is it going to be the same old boring stuff, day in and day out?” When someone starts thinking along those lines a crisis sets in. They call it a mid-life crisis because it typically happens around mid-life, usually somewhere between 40-50. But it can happen earlier.

But just because he moved out, and you think he’s changed, doesn’t mean he’s having a mid-life crisis. It could be just that he’s questioning the relationship, and wondering if he still feels committed and in love. That’s not necessarily a mid-life crisis but it’s definitely a crisis for him, and for you. And of course, your kids.

It’s fine to be patient and give him time, but the two of you need to start working on these issues as soon as you can. The longer it goes, the more disconnected he’s going to become. Talking together with a couples counselor would be a good place to start. But you can only ask him to do that. Actually, you can urge him to do that. Hopefully he’ll oblige. But in the end you can’t force him to do anything. If he won’t work with you to resolve whatever issues need to be resolved, then you’ll have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on.

Kate, remember, as sad as this might be—it’s too soon to tell yet—you still need to be strong for your kids. We encourage you to surround yourself with people who love you—close friends and family—to help you get through this difficult time. We hope that your husband will come to his senses and realize that he’s made a mistake, but if he doesn’t, we’re confident you’ll have the strength to put together a new life for you and your kids.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave a question, or a reply, in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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Have I finally screwed up so badly that there’s no hope?

Hi Guys!

My story is a little complicated to correctly put it under any single category.

I started dating my best-friend of six years when I turned 18. Things are generally pretty good, but due to my extensive traveling schedule for work, and the fact that he joined the military we don’t talk as much as I’d like. Or rather, I feel like I try to make time for him but he doesn’t make as much time for me. This has led to some trust issues in our relationship, although we’ve generally been able to work through everything when we see each other.

Fast forward four years and I had been having some difficult interactions with his best friend from home. To the point where I didn’t want to speak with this guy at all. Then I had to have ACL surgery and my boyfriend took two weeks to actually come see me. Whereas, his best friend broke up with his girlfriend and he immediately came to see him. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. I said I didn’t want to be friends with his friend anymore. This caused some serious tension between my boyfriend and me, to the point where he wanted some space.

We tried to resolve our issues but then he deleted me off Facebook, which I assumed was his way of breaking up with me. When his friend heard about this he tried to patch things up with me. So we agreed to be civil and I let my boyfriend know this. But still I didn’t get much of a response from my boyfriend.

I know he’s been overwhelmed about this whole thing. I know after all that, plus anything else he might be going through with school and work must be really stressing him out. I want to give him some space to try to clear his head because he’s never been so frustrated before, and perhaps meet up when I’m in town again. However, when I asked about the latter, he replied, “Maybe.” It hurt me, because he asked the same question to me and I quickly agreed, thinking there was hope for us. There are just so many things I’m confused about, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I would really like to know…

Was I wrong for standing up for myself?

Am I wrong for finally agreeing to what my guy wanted and making amends with his friend?

Is it too late?

And since we are no longer “friends” on Facebook and he hasn’t texted me back recently, are we officially over? Or is he waiting for me to make the first move again?

These are the main questions on my mind. I would hate to lose him over something like this. Especially being so close to our four year anniversary, and having had plans to someday live together and get married. But most importantly because I’d be losing more than a boyfriend. I’d be losing a very good and close friend. I’m sure this is a lot to take in, and although I’ve asked a few of guy friends and have even had my father’s opinion, I’d really appreciate a Guy’s point of view.

Thank you very much!

Stefany

Dear Stefany,

Thanks for your question. To be clear, this isn’t about you screwing up, this is about a general eroding of a relationship.

Your guy is using your conflict with his friend as an excuse to take a break. Obviously something about your relationship is bothering him. Something other than the purported issue. No guy is going to break up with a woman they love because that woman is having issues with their best friend. Instead they might try and figure out a way to resolve the issue. If push came to shove, it’s likely they’d choose their woman over their friend, although not without feeling a bit resentful, especially if they thought their girlfriend was being petty.

As for you, your feelings toward his friend are misplaced. His friend isn’t the issue, it’s what his friend represents, or rather the fact that he reminds you that your boyfriend placed a higher importance on his issues rather than yours. And we understand why that hurts you, and feels like a betrayal in some ways; but it’s misplaced. (It’s good you worked through the issue) Once again, it shows a larger lack of trust between the two of you. Not a lack of trust like ‘We’re both worried the other person is cheating’ but more not trusting that you have each other’s back, and that you’re there for each other.

Give your boyfriend some space and see if he’ll contact you. When he does the two of you need to have a serious sit-down. Something is going on that you need to get to the bottom of. It’s hard to say what it is. Has he fallen out of love? Is your constant fighting too much for him? Or is he overwhelmed by everything that’s going on in his life and just needs some time to put things in order? Or is it something else that he’s not telling you? Whatever it is, it’s there, and without having an honest and open discussion, you’re not really going to know what’s going on.

Keep in mind. This discussion is not just about finding out where he’s coming from, it’s also about you explaining all the emotions you’ve been feeling over the years—and having him listen—and maybe explaining to him the real reason the conflict occurred between his friend and you. Your feelings are just as valid as his, and he should want to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.

We can’t guarantee that having a talk will somehow fix everything Stefany. It’s possible he’s already decided to move on and is afraid to actually say it to you. If that’s the case, he’ll make excuses about why he doesn’t want to talk. But you at least need to reach out to him and try. That’s all you can do. Don’t give this up until you’ve explored and discussed all the avenues. Hopefully he’ll be open to doing that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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I slept with my virgin friend; bad decision, and now I feel badly

Hey Guys,

Yeah I’m a guy and this is stupid but I have a lot in my mind and can’t seem to think of a good answer. I recently went out with a few friends to go drink and have a good time at the beach. We got pretty drunk and I ended up doing it with my homegirl. I feel badly because she was a virgin. I didn’t mean to do it but the beer got to me I guess. And well now she’s mad at me and hardly wants to talk now. She’s really special and fun but I don’t like her like that; I really just wanted to have fun not have sex. Ugh, please I don’t know what to do. The only thing I’ve come up with is letting my friends beat the crap out of me for being stupid, but I still don’t think that would change anything.

Any advice ?

Charlie

Charlie,

Thanks for your question. It certainly isn’t stupid. What would be stupid is letting your friends beat the crap out of you. That probably isn’t the best solution to this situation, or a solution at all.

First you need to understand why your friend is so mad at you. Here are some possibilities:

1. She wishes she saved herself for someone else. And she’s upset at herself, but taking it out on you.

2. She feels used by you. Mainly because she wants a relationship with you and realizes you don’t feel the same.

3. She now realizes that things are forever changed between the two of you and it makes her sad.

4. The experience didn’t live up to the fantasy she had in her mind. (Rarely does from our experience.)

So which is it? If we were betting guys we’d go with a combination of all of them, but more concentrated with #2. So you see Charlie, it’s not that you took her virginity, it’s that you don’t want anything more. She’s upset that you just want to go back to being friends. She doesn’t want that, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place.

So stop feeling guilty about the virginity piece and start feeling guilty about the using her piece. (We’re kind of kidding.) We know things happen, especially when there’s drink involved. All you can do now is be honest with her. Tell her that it was fun—make her feel good about the first time—but also tell her you don’t want to lose her as a friend, and how important she is in your life. In essence, by being with her, you’re afraid you’re going to lose her. (This is our interpretation of your note. We apologize if we’re missing something.)

Look Charlie, it’s clear you have a heart and a conscience. You’re going to make mistakes all throughout your life, but it’s best to face them straight on. And if your friends beat the crap out of you, you’re going to have a hard time looking her in the eye through the bandages. You can do this. You can make this right by being honest. And then try to be a supportive friend to her if she wants that.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Hey, let your friends know about us. Thanks! We’re happy to give our opinion on any other guy related questions.

she’s a big girl.

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Are tall women an issue for men?

Dear Guys,

Why don’t tall women get lifted and carried by their men? (Why don’t they get attention?) Sure, I’ve seen tall women get attention and affection from men, but whenever there’s that cute short lady around, no doubt men give them little hugs and squeezes and wrap their arms around them etc. Some say tall women are intimidating. So why should tall women even bother trying to date if men find them to be inferior to short women?—judging by how shorter women get selected more times than tall women by all men. If the tall lady doesn’t make you feel as powerful on the inside or outside what do you men even see in them? And I’m not talking about their big hearts either.

Racquel

Dear Racquel,

Thanks for your question. (And your concerns!)

This is not about tall women and short women, it’s about personal taste, and about men with confidence and men without confidence. But before we get into that, let’s be honest here. We’ve heard many women say they wouldn’t date a guy who is shorter than them. Maybe that’s not an issue for a petite woman, but for a women who’s taller than let’s say, 5’9″—the average height of a guy—it potentially lowers her odds of meeting a great guy by a huge margin. So from our perspective, this issue works both ways.

You’re right when you assume guys like to be manly, or at least the dominant physical presence in a relationship. Sure, some guys would be very happy to be a taller woman’s play thing, but most guys want to feel like they are in charge—in the bedroom we mean.

There’s not much more to say here. We’re assuming you’re a taller woman, so you need to either find a man taller than yourself, or a smaller guy—whom you’re still attracted to—that is confident enough to be involved with a taller woman. We found a site—we’re not endorsing it, just providing the info to you—that you might check out. (www.tallfriends.com) A dating site for taller folks.

All in all, beauty is subjective. Confidence however, is universally attractive. If you’re a taller women who feels a bit insecure, or uncomfortable about her height, this will definitely come through to everyone you meet. So the solution to this problem—if there is one—starts with you. Accept your height, and others will follow.

Good luck and feel free to ask a follow up question. (Leave a comment in the comments section.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please tell your friends about us. Thanks!

Other related posts:

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

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My girlfriend is cheating with more than one guy

Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a woman who told me she wasn’t in a relationship. She called me one night to tell me she has been seeing a guy who talked her into having sex with other men while he watches. I have told her she is in a potentially dangerous situation. She says she enjoys it.

I am devastated. What should I do? This I find out has been going on for a couple of years.

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time.

Well, the one positive thing we see here is that she at least was honest with you, and felt compelled to tell you what she was up to. However, besides the obvious physical danger she could be in, we have to wonder about her self-esteem. How does she view herself? That’s not to say that women can’t engage in sexual activity that men might even be lauded for. (Its quite the double-standard in our society.) But the question is more, why is she doing this particular activity? Is it because she truly enjoys it for what it is? Is it because she wants to please the guy who is watching? Is it because she’s trying to make you jealous? What is it?

We’re not so sure this woman is ready for a relationship.Being open to trying new things is a great quality. And dating a women who is open to trying new sexual things is a bonus. (At least that’s what we’ve heard from many guys.) But having a partner who is willing to do anything and everything just to gain approval, means that person is putting the needs of others before her own. That may sound enticing at the onset, but it’s guaranteed to get tiring pretty quickly. (It’s nice to know our partner has his/her own ideas, and is not afraid to express those ideas.) Mutual respect is important for relationships to grow.

The other question is, how serious is your relationship? Or rather, how serious do you think your relationship is? Her view of your relationship seems to be different than yours. Once you figure out the first problem—her questionable activity— you’re still left with working out a relationship that works for both of you. (If that’s even possible.)

Thomas, start with trying to sort out why she’s behaving like she’s behaving. Then if you still want her back the two of you need to sit down and decide how you want to proceed moving forward. If you’re not sure about all of this, then now’s an easy time to move on.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. And let your friends know about us. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. (Below in the comments section.)

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My boyfriend wants to watch porn together

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend wants to watch porn together. We have before but I get too shy and self-concious because it seems like he’s more focused on the T.V. than he is to me.

Why is that?

Dear B,

Thanks for your question.

So what exactly are you worried about? Or bothered by? The fact that he’s interested in the action on the screen, or the fact that he seems to be more turned on by the actors, than you?

Let’s back up for a moment and talk about couples and sex in general. It’s inevitable that after two people have been together for a while the sex can get predictable. It’s easy to fall into a pattern, a routine, like ordering at a restaurant. Why try something new when you know the steak—for example—is going to taste great? Why risk spending the money on something you’re not sure about, when you know that juicy cut of meat that you always get is going to be mouth watering? After couples figure out how to please one another they often settle into this mindset: Do what works. This is great, but then things change. Here are four possible ways this plays out.

1. Couples get bored and they start having less and less sex, until it becomes stagnant and robotic.

2. One person strays, and starts having an affair.

3. The couple invites a third party into the mix.

4. One person, or both, starts getting creative and introduces some new possibilities into the bedroom: different positions, different times of the day, maybe some toys, some adult videos, some new techniques, food, whatever.

Think of your situation as a healthy way to spice up your sex life. Yes, watching porn might be a little uncomfortable for you, and he might be a bit too focused on the screen, but at least it’s you he’s getting worked up with, not someone else. And frankly, it’s only natural for him to be turned on by what he’s seeing. Guys are very visual. And guys like diversity. His focus on the T.V. is more about seeing a new body in action, rather than something you lack. And if in the end, the two of you have great sex, well, then maybe it’s all good.

But let’s also be clear about something. You need to be comfortable in order for it to be enjoyable. And you should never be forced into anything that makes you uneasy. The best way to figure out the right balance here is to talk to him. Tell him you’re open to exploring this with him, but also tell him how you’re feeling. If he really cares about you, he’ll try his best to modify his behavior a bit to make the experience enjoyable for you too. (That’s what a loving and responsible partner does.) You also should mention some of the things that you’d like to try in the bedroom—if you have some thoughts, fantasies—and hopefully he’ll be open to doing that. Relationships are about give and take. Both people should be committed to doing whatever they can to make their partner happy—and themselves. (But never at their own expense of course.)

One final note. Your boyfriend is lucky to have a girlfriend who’s open minded and willing to try new things. Remind him of that, and you can tell him we said that if you’d like. Not all women—and not all men—are that open. Good for you, and good for him.

Let us know if you have any follow up questions. And leave us a comment in the comments section.

Take care and enjoy!

THE GUYS

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Trying to keep and please my husband

Dear Guys,
I have found myself on your site several times over the past few years, and would much appreciate some male insight into my situation, without talking to another man about my marriage.

I have been married for five years next week. I met my husband in 2006. I was a single mom. A mutual friend expressed that a friend from out of town was in a fire, and in need of Rx burn cream… I being a chef, had such burn cream at home. I met and fell in love with my husband that day. I started caring for his burns, insisted he stay with me until he healed. We’ve been together since. We later spent two weeks camping in the woods together. After being in the woods for two weeks, and still loving every second with him, I asked him to marry me. A year later, we had a courthouse wedding. My husband is an eccentric guy. He’s smart, rebellious, artistic, and good at anything he puts his mind to. He did not have a job, but had traveled the country becoming famous for his art. He did not bring in any income, but offered to stay home and care for my son until he figured something out. We have moved all over the country together, meeting in my home city, living near the best fly fishing creek, cross country to be near his father, back to fly fishing creeks where I had another baby, was accepted to a university and denied because of moving twice, back across country again to be in his home city, and most recently again across the country to be in his desired “tropical” conditions.

While in Cali, I worked 75+ hours a week. I was never home. For the 6 months we were there, I worked. I went to the beach to watch him surf, and ate at one Mexican resturaunt. I have worked and missed out on so much. I am not a trust fund kid, I work hard for the money we use to move all over the country. I have been trying very hard, in many ways, to support my husband and show him that he can enter the work world, and be super successful at something… sometimes I have been angry and mad that I do all the finances alone. In the past two years, since moving to the tropics, I lost our family car, lost my credit score, and watched my husband go through a period of complete mental breakdown. I have always tried to make him happy, to give him what he wants not just what he needs. I have been depressed because I dont think he is happy.

He became someone else. He started selling drugs out of my house while I was working , and then got our home raided by police. It was a disaster. I stuck by him. Helped him get clear of the legal trouble, and forgave his actions. I have tried to support his art more then anything. About a year ago I paid for him to get a tattoo, and another and another… the ball set in motion and he found a niche. All his skills, his personality everything set him up for this perfect career. He entered an apprenticeship! This was amazing. With him finally out in the world, I am getting a chance to spend time at home with my kids. I love that. He works 7 days a week, and has made no money for 6 months. I am so proud and happy that he is moving forward. We have needed this for a long time. However, since starting there have been flags that I can’t ignore. On his Facebook, which I’m not savvy with, he had invited to make another girl brunch (which he never has for me). I asked him about it, he said it was a joke. He shut down the Facebook, and turned off his email. Only to secretly start another a week later. Which when looking at his hand while laying in bed I noticed at the top of the page, its a hash tag he tried to say, then later admitted his obvious lie.

He has a cell phone with a broken screen that he keeps only at work, and rarely answers. He never goes out. Except to work. In the past when he has gone out, it couldn’t be for a few hours. (In Cali he once said he was going to a flea market and left for 2 days.)

I am still paying the bills, I don’t know how, with no work, staying home with the kids, I’ve somehow pulled it together to keep us from eviction. He does not like to talk about the past. He feels like if I do I am attacking him. I am I guess “breaking down” now that I have some time to myself. Not being in a workplace, I can finally cry about the things that have been on my shoulders for five years. This man, has amazing games; he punishes me for nagging at him by not having sex with me. He holds grudges for months. He says things to me that I have directly said to him, as if I am the one doing them. He turns everything around. He likes to (has talked about this) do things and say things just to get a REACTION from me. I am so overloaded, so worn down, I can’t pass his tests. I need his affection. I want to have sex, all the time. We may not have had sex for two weeks, and when I initiate, he lies there and won’t kiss me, won’t move, just allows me to have sex with him.

I have been trying to find work in night shifts. In a small town, it’s been hard. The last position I got, I was to start at 5 am. He was up watching shows on the laptop a foot away from my head until 1:30 in the am. I freaked out, told him I felt disrespected… we fought, I ended up on the tile floor, couldn’t go to the new job, and have had back pain since. two nights ago, I was going to tell him that I was jealous of the tattoo shop bathroom (where there is porn, lotion, and condoms, before I finished my thought he started yelling at me in the dark calling me names. I get so mad and feel so little and weak and helpless, I just started screaming and whaling on him. That was ended with an in the dark accidental shot to the face. We have had many physical arguments. We fight. He doesn’t have make up sex. He turns the other way…. I have begged for more sex; I have begged for a wedding ring (I never got one, but he did the day we married.) When my kids start school again I will be back to making money. He will be out, it will be like normal relationship. Maybe things will smooth out. I ask him, a lot lately, why is he with me? I dont feel his love. I want him to be happy. When he is mad he wants a divorce, then nothing. I don’t know what to do, he says he doesn’t know what to do. I can’t afford therapy, I don’t have any friends. I have been researching a lot, and found that the most imortant things to keeping a guy happy seem to be:

-don’t nag
-show respect
-be proud of him
-stroke his ego
-give him space
-and stay sexy

I am trying to let go of all I have been through and done, and focus on right now and tomorrow. But it is very hard with no stability to latch onto, no signs of his love.. Am I stupid? Would he ever tell me when he really wants out? Knowing that I will be here through his toughest shit? Will he ever admit to cheating? I have been so down lately, I’m having a hard time wanting to be in this world at all.

Do all men cheat? Am I naieve? Do I have hope? How can I know what’s really going on?

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

Thanks for your question. This is tough. We’re sorry. But you seem like a strong woman. You’ll get through this one way or another.

We know this is confusing to you, but your story makes perfect sense. Basically you’ve built this guy up from the ground floor, literally. You started by nurturing him back to health, then allowing—even encouraging— his eccentric lifestyle, to supporting him financially, encouraging his work, and giving him a place to live while he gets started.

He’s lucky to have you, but he no longer sees it. Basically, he’s been depressed for much of the time he’s been with you. And what you represent is his emasculation. You are competent, confident, and put together, all the things that remind him of what he’d like to be. We’re not saying he’s not talented and smart; we’re saying he doesn’t have that other thing—business mind, practical mind—to take his talents to the market. You see all guys want to be successful—however they define that. At some point it’s about being able to provide for themselves or their family, and have enough to be independent and not have to rely on other people to do the things they want and get the things they want to get.

He’s had to rely on you for all of those things and he’s grown resentful. This is not your fault, except that you’ve unwittingly enabled him. And now you’re seeing the fruits of all your labors being thrown in your face. This is not so dissimilar to a child finally breaking free from parents that have sacrificed much to feed and nurture their children, only to see these very children lash out as they try to become independent. (Usually, once kids find their way, they come back, feeling a bit embarrassed and sheepish by how extreme they acted, wanting reconciliation and a friendship.) Sometimes this takes a long time, usually around five years or so.

That’s what’s going on here. Your guy is misbehaving as he’s trying to establish his own identity beyond you. He’s finally happy to be working, he’s finally out in the world as his own person, he’s meeting new people, he’s checking out other women, he’s possibly meeting other women, and who knows what else. Basically he’s acting like a sullen teen and you represent his parent. (Sorry for this image.)

He needs his space but is afraid to ask for you it because a part of him doesn’t want to lose you, and a part of him still needs you. That’s why he’s so confused, and why he treats you poorly. All of those things you listed don’t come into play here. (Don’t nag, stay sexy, etc.) Because there are bigger things at play here. This isn’t about a husband losing interest, this is about a guy who’s coming out of his shell, enabled by you. This is about a parent and a child.

The two you need to start talking about this ASAP before things spiral out of control and irreparable damage is done. We’re not sure if this can be salvaged, but you need to get on the same page soon. The two of you need to break free from this enabling relationship, and get into a more healthy AND balanced one.

One final note: The parent/child analogy only goes so far. If he’s cheating on you, misbehaving in other ways, or verbally or physically abusing you, that’s a whole other matter entirely. You should not put up with that kind of behavior and betrayal. Remember, you also have children to look after, and they need a stable and calm household to feel secure in. (We know you know this, but we’re just reminding you.)

Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Husband wants to be free for three years but doesn’t want me to leave

Dear Guys,

We’ve been married for twelve years and have one child and one on the way.

My husband has been having an ongoing affair for two years. When I found out about it he told me he just wants to be free for three years, and then he will come back to me and our children. He says he would rather kill me than divorce me.

He is now living with the woman and he won’t talk to me or our child. He said that he got married too young (21) and he wants to live his life and he says I just better wait the three years on him. WTF? Please help me understand this!

Dear C,

Thanks for your question. We can help you understand the guy’s perspective here, but some of what you mention is beyond our scope of assistance. And we encourage you to seek some professional support, especially if you’re feeling at all uncomfortable or scared with some of the things he’s said to you. (A counselor or therapist are examples. They will be able to point you to the correct services if necessary.)

At least he’s being honest with you by saying he got married too young. Twenty-one is young for a guy to get married and then have kids. (It is for a woman too. At least these days.) He’s probably feeling he didn’t get to experience–sleep with— enough women before he started dating you, and now he wants to experience that, but still not lose you. In essence, have his cake and eat it too.

To be fair, he’s not alone in this feeling. Many guys would love to continue sleeping with as many women as they could, even when they love their wives and kids. But the thing is, once you make a commitment to someone, you can’t then have both. Some people do anyway, and that’s called cheating, but that kind of betrayal does not belong in a loving, committed relationship.

We’re not going to tell you what to do, but you really need to figure this out. He’s controlling you with his words, and possible veiled threats. If you can’t work this out yourself, we urge you to seek some professional help with this. There are services to support women in your situation.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

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I don’t want to cheat on my Prince Charming

Hey Guys,

I was raised in a very conservative family and was taught that one ought to save themselves for marriage. I grew up as a strong young woman with firm beliefs, and did save myself for the man that I am with today. I was very clear with him when we first got together where my boundaries were, and even though he’s from a completely different background, he was prepared to wait for me —something very few men would do. We have been together for over 3 years now (I am 25) and I lost my virginity to him about a year ago. I haven’t regretted it for a second. He’s been supportive and amazing; he genuinely loves me, and I love him.

The problem arises, however, now that I have been awakened into this whole other world of sex. Even though I have no problems with how I was raised, I have started to wish that I didn’t in fact wait so long until I lost my virginity. I think that what I did was a beautiful thing, saving myself for my one true love, but the fact of the matter is that now I wish that I had had a LOT more sex before I met “the one!”

My boyfriend is one helluva guy and he raises the bar way high, but I have in fact met a few guys who I have had crazy chemistry with these past few months. I have never done anything with them, but I still feel like I am cheating because in my mind, I am. I imagine myself having crazy, wild sex with other men. It’s not that my boyfriend and I don’t have good sex— but then again, what do I know what is good sex or what isn’t? All I know is that all my life, movies, music and everyone around me has been running around and being crazy about SEX. And I want to know what all that hype is about! Having sex with my boyfriend is fun, it feels good and he does make sure my needs are met. But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life. I guess I’m just too comfortable with him? But since when did that become a bad thing?

And sure, maybe it IS just that the grass-is-greener on the other side, and if I were to taste it, it would simply confirm that what I have here and now with this relationship is amazing. But how do I know that? How can I just take someone’s word for it? If I can’t stop thinking about having sex with others, surely that’s a tell-tale sign that something isn’t completely right? I don’t want to cheat on him, but sometimes I wish I could push the pause button on the relationship, screw around a little, and come back to him. But I know it doesn’t work like that. If I were to break up with him just to be able to sleep with some random guys, he would never take me back. And I don’t want to lose the best, most stable guy I’ve met in my life—someone that I know I could spend my life with. On the other hand, I don’t want to end up a married 40-something with kids who starts to cheat on her husband of 20 years either, because I suddenly have a mid-life crisis and need to get something out of my system!

I don’t want to cheat on him (Cheating is baaad! Badbad! Trust is crucial!) buuuut sometimes it feels like the only way to kill those grass-is-greener thoughts is by having a taste. I have imagined talking it out with a distant guy-friend (we dated a little once, it fizzled and we became distant friends), laying my cards out on the table, and asking him to jump my bones, and then leave it at that —both of us being very aware of what it is that I am asking for. I am also aware of the fact that it is, actually, a bad idea, seeing as it would be cheating, but for me, it feels like it would be the only way to get some random, meaningless sex with others out of my system so that I can fully understand what an amazing thing it is that I have with my boyfriend already. Sound confusing? Yes I know… I don’t actually understand why I have this need to sleep with others when I already have someone so perfect in my life already, but I can’t stop the thoughts from entering my mind.

So HELP! Either tell me something that will stop me from wanting to sleep with others, or tell me that it is okay to want to have some random, meaningless sex before I get hitched and spend the rest of my life with the one guy I’ve ever been with!

Sudden Non-Virgin

Dear Sudden Non-Virgin,

Thanks for your question. It’s an interesting one, but you’re certainly not alone in your thoughts and feelings. You sound like a lot of guys we know.

Having fantasies about other men and women is perfectly normal. Most everyone that’s honest with themselves—and in touch with their true feelings—would admit to having some sort of fantasy from time to time. Being with one woman or man is a compromise. Actually, every decision in life is a compromise, and a mix of gain and loss. For example. if you choose one college, you don’t get to go to the other one you got into. If you decide to vacation in Italy, well then you can’t go to Japan. And so on. It’s the same for relationships. If you choose one man, you can’t have another. And if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship you can’t have sex with other people, unless you want to cheat on the person you’re purported to love.

We happen to think that the sex you have from a stable relationship is much more gratifying and deeper than what you get from sleeping around. However we understand your conundrum since you’re relatively inexperienced and never got to “live” the single life. Yes, we can tell you that you’re fixated on thinking the grass-is-greener, but we’re not you. And if this is something that’s going to eat away at you, then it’s going to seriously impact your relationship, beyond just you cheating. It’s likely you’ll start feeling resentful and angry, and your boyfriend—or possibly husband by then—will have no idea why you’re lashing out at him. It will go from bad to worse, and if you don’t cheat on him, you’re likely to leave him. You’re smart to try and figure this out now before you get too ahead of yourself.

So what about sex? We love your quote. “But it’s not that crazy, electric, goosebumps-all-over, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-naked kind of thing that I’ve been hearing about all my life.” Is it possible you’re watching too many movies? (We’re just kidding.) Yes, there is that. It’s called, “sex with someone new.” The first time—which could last even a year or so—can be crazy, all-consuming, mind-blowing. It can be wild and out-of-control. But not always. Sometimes it can be downright bad, when you’re with a lover who’s selfish. Or even dangerous. (You sleep around at your own risk. Lots going around, especially if you’re having random sex, with random guys, as you say.)

You say the sex with your boyfriend is good, but you’re not sure what that means. Well, simply put: That’s good. You’re with a man who loves you, and cares about satisfying you. Not all men are like that. (Or women.) So don’t discount what you have with your boyfriend. He’ll never be the “new guy” to you again, but he loves you, and it sounds like you love him. That’s nothing to scoff at. (We know you’re not, but it’s good to hear it from an objective viewpoint.)

Our suggestion: If you feel the weight of wondering pulling at you every moment you’re with your boyfriend, then you might need to take a hard look at it. We’re not saying you should break up with your boyfriend, but we’re saying, if this is going to affect your relationship then you need to decide now what you want to do. We wish we could give you the answer, but unfortunately we can’t, and won’t. This is your decision.

However, we do know guys that were in your current position. Some decided to suck it up and deal with it, and went on to marry their girlfriends. Others, decided they just weren’t ready to commit, and they went the other way. We can tell you—we’ll speak for THE GUYS—that every guy we know would like to be able to have sex with other women, even though they’re happily married or in committed relationships. For us, the longing of a new woman doesn’t go away. Some days it’s better than others, but we’re wired to sleep with as many women as we can. But acting on it is a whole different story. The guys that cheat, and throw away their marriages/relationships, usually regret it later. Maybe you’re more like a guy in this way. (The fact that you have the longing.)

If you do decide that you just have to experience “more” we understand. You’re young, and sometimes people have to make difficult decisions that affect other people. If this is just one of those things you have to do, please don’t cheat. You need to break up with your boyfriend first. You don’t need to give him every detail—we wouldn’t—and tell him every single thing you’re thinking. But if you’re honest with him—tell him you need to be single a bit longer before you get married—you never know what might happen down the road. Most guys would have a really difficult time with this, but maybe he’s different. There are certainly no guarantees he’ll be around when you’re ready.

Hope this helps. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. (Leave it in the comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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I am asking for a divorce but still feel sad and confused

Hi Guys,

I will try and keep this short and sweet but feel I need to give you the whole picture so you understand how I ended up where I did.

I met my husband at a party in August 2003 but we didn’t actually start dating until February 2004. We were engaged in November 2006 and married in September 2007. I was 32 and he was 33 when we married.

Let me start by first saying I was married one time previously to a pilot for only three months. We were together for two years before we got married and almost called the wedding off two times. I knew I shouldn’t have married him but we had everything planned and all his relatives were coming to Michigan from Portland. The same night of our wedding I knew I made a huge mistake. We filed for divorce in July 2003.

So my husband now and I had our first date in February 2004 and then kept dating ever since. I remember enjoying his company but I do not ever remember feeling completely gaga and soooo in love but I found him attractive, he had a great job, was “normal”, never been married, no kids and was an all around great guy. He really is a good man in so many ways and I always thought he would be a wonderful father.

Some of the challenges we encountered after we got married follow:

1) We started trying to get pregnant in June 2007 (I was 36 and he was 37) We tried for two years solid to get pregnant and it never happened. In 2008 we tried some fertility measures like Clomid but we were unsuccessful.
2) My husband lost his job of ten years in January 2009 that he loved due to downsizing. It devastated him. I always asked if he was okay and he said he was fine, just angry. He found out he was losing his job on a Friday and that following week was our fist appointment to meet with our fertility specialist to start the “big” process of invitro fertilization. He received a severance package of $40,000 but we both decided we needed to cancel our appointment not knowing how long it would take him to find another job. (The economy was horrible). I made $55,000 and he made $170,000. We lived in a $300,000 home, both had new cars and $40,000 wouldn’t last long if he had trouble finding a job.

We started growing apart, not sharing anything or enjoying activities together. I felt like I tried numerous times to feel him emotionally (something we always kind of struggled with) but I always felt so alone in our relationship. We never had a great sex life but it wasn’t horrible. It was just “awkward” and is the only way I can explain it. I also felt that the sports and how the house and yard looked was more important than us spending quality time together. I fel like I was always sitting in the background trying to grab his attention

Anyway, I was at a friend’s happy hour in June 2009 because she was leaving her old job and starting a new one, when everything in my life seemed to change. A guy that my friend worked with was at the happy hour. (She didn’t know him well but he knew some of the other girls there.) We started talking that evening and really hit it off. He was full of energy and was always smiling. He took my friend to another bar we were going to because she couldn’t drive and that is how he got my number because he was following me and had it in case we lost them on the way.

It all started with a random text weeks later out of the blue; it is now August 2009. Next thing you know we were texting all the time and I was laughing and smiling all the time. He filled my days and the texting continued for months. Next thing you know we felt like friends and started meeting for lunch a few times and quickly it went on from there.

My husband suspected something but never approached me until April 2010. I tried a few times to cut the ties with the other guy and did for a few months but really missed him. I thought about him constantly and loved how he made me feel. I would stay away for about 3 months and then a text would come up. He was married and had two children. He got married very young (20) and was married for 24 years and both children are now 23 and 18. He is just now 43 and I am 40.

My husband and I separated for about a month in October of 2010 and then I went back and then we separated again in February of 2011 and have been apart since. I have been in a relationship with the other guy ever since. If I had met this guy before my husband I have no doubt we would be together. He is getting a divorce and it is almost final and I have been putting things off which isn’t fair to all three of us.

I told my husband last night we need to move forward with the divorce but I feel so sad and sometimes still wonder if I am making a mistake. I love the other guy and we are at the finish line of being together yet I second guess myself.

I have never cheated on anyone before not even in my teens and 20′s and always prided myself of that. Then when I should really know better I begin an emotional affair that eventually let to a physical affair. I tried a few times to end it with this person but always felt like I was losing a best friend and then immediately started feeling lonely again. I hated myself for what I have done but yet felt like I couldn’t let the other guy go.

My husband feels like he never really had a second chance and that 3 months was not enough. He would still take me back now if I went back. He said he knew we had problems but didn’t think they were that bad. He said this all wouldn’t have been such a kick to the gut if we had separated and then if I met someone else (other than the guy that started all of this) and felt another person was a better fit but because it is the guy that caused our marriage to crumble it is hard for him to take. He obviously is upset because I gave up him to be with the other guy instead of giving up the other guy to work on our marriage.

I am not a heartless cold “b”, in fact, I am quite the opposite. I tried the best I could to not crush his world but of course I did. I am disappointed in myself for what I did, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for it even when he said he forgave me for the affair a long time ago he just wanted another shot.

It wasn’t like we fought or had major problems other than I felt like I didn’t connect with him or didn’t feel emotionally close to him. I wasn’t even thinking of divorce before I met the other guy. I knew we had things to work on but I too didn’t think our marriage was horrible by any stretch. I know I am rambling now. I guess I feel like I am this horrible person and like I am the only person in the world that failed a marriage. I HATE the hurt I am causing my husband but only wanted to go back for the right reasons and not because I felt guilty. However, I can’t seem to fully let him go and I cannot keep one foot in each relationship.

He said he is going to miss me, my family and friends. That when he married me he meant forever but obviously that isn’t going to be the case. He has been more than a gentleman considering everything I have done. I don’t know that I would have held on like he has if the situation would have been reversed.

You would think I would feel better finally making a decision after almost three years of this. The other guy is about done with me but he loves me so much he has been putting up with my dragging of the feet. I never thought in a million years I would have had an affair and anyone who knows me would have never believed it.

Should I be excited about finally moving forward? How come I feel scared? Am I making a huge mistake even though I know the guy I am with now makes me laugh all the time and he absolutely adores me. This guy is willing to have a kid with me when he has two adult children which floored me. I never “felt” that my husband loved me as much as this guy does. Maybe he did and just didn’t know how to show it. I am so confused. How do I know it is right to divorce? Why can’t I move on fully with the guy who stole my heart?

Sorry again for the rambling. I am sure this doesn’t make a ton of sense but if you still have questions for me I will gladly answer them if you can help me from either making the right or worst decision of my life. (Sorry for the poor grammer as well. I am tired of typing.)

Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.

Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry this is such a tumultuous time in your life. Only you will know what’s right to do, but we’ll give you our thoughts and opinions on your situation.

Let’s start with your husband. There’s no doubt in our mind that he loves you dearly. And the fact that he’d still be willing to take you back, even after all that’s happened, is a testament to his strength, and willingness to forgive. Maybe he doesn’t know how to show you his love as much as this new guy—and maybe that’s what you need; someone who can show you—but he definitely loves you.

However, this doesn’t mean you should stay with him. Love is a two-way street. We’re not sure your reasons for getting married, but it sounds like you felt it was time, and so you married a good, solid guy. Maybe your weren’t sure how strongly you felt for your husband—was it true love?; you weren’t sure–but after some of the struggles the two of you had—conceiving and then financial—you started feeling less and less connected to him, and some of your doubts became amplified.

But let’s be clear. What you’re feeling right now—the sadness and doubt–is because you understand that a new person isn’t necessarily going to solve every problem. It might feel ‘perfect’ now, but inevitably all couples have issues. (Understand that it’s not guaranteed that the two of you will have an easy time conceiving, or that he’ll still be willing when the times comes. Just throwing that out there.) You also have a long history with your husband, and that’s tough to move on from. (For anyone.)

Now to your affair.

Yes, you betrayed a person you love. There’s no other way to say it. However, it’s you that needs to try and work past it. Your husband will heal—although it might take time—but what about you? At some point, in order for you to be happy moving forward, you’re going to have to forgive yourself.

Our suggestion:

The thing you need to do is separate the two situations, or the two men. Ask yourself the simple question: If there wasn’t another man in your life, would you still want to leave your husband? Because one situation is muddying the other. Sure, the new man possibly gave you the strength to finally move forward with your life and get divorced, but would you have ultimately done that anyway?

What we’re saying is, this new guy shouldn’t be the reason you’re leaving your husband. Maybe he’s showed you that the love you always hoped for is out there, but you still need to make one decision first, then make the next decision.

We hope this helps. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

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