This was the third episode.

Episode 1: We introduce Bob and Torrie. He becomes a vegan.

Episode 2: Bob is having a hard time. He gets revenge with the lawn mower.

And now, Episode 3: (George is one of his best buddies.)

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can’t take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it’s me and I just  can’t do it.

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I’ve been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don’t mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don’t blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She’ll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don’t tell her, she’s going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how’s she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C’mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once.

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That’s why we’re not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that’s how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn’t it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn’t believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact.

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him later, he just kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that’s just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We’ll I’m not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie’s here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It’s great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that’s sweet……..You know Bob, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You’ve been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven’t always picked the nicest of guys and I’ve had some bad luck too. You’re such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let’s just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you’re not a pig like the rest of the guys I’ve dated, so why don’t you go ahead and eat whatever you’d like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven’t really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I’m speechless.

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What’s that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re lying to me.

Bob: No. It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob if you don’t shut up with that “It wasn’t me” crap, I’m going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn’t me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn’t me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Coming soon: We answer more relationship questions. And our next podcast will be a week from today!

After we get the first twenty review on itunes, we’re having a drawing. The winner gets to pick whatever they want from our merchandise page. We’ll gift wrap it and ship it to you!

If you haven’t done it yet, we still have a few reviews to go, so head on over to itunes. Thanks!

Bob the Vegan

For those of you that haven’t seen this series, we introduced this back in the fall of 2009. We’re going to be posting some of the more memorable skits in this series. Today’s skit is the very first Bob the Vegan we ever wrote!

And we’d like to qualify this post by saying, the ideas expressed in this skit do not necessarily reflect the opinions of THE GUYS. We think people should decide for themselves what lifestyle works and doesn’t work for them. No seriously, we’re not kidding! …..Really, we’re serious!!! Oh, forget it. Let’s get on with it.

Bob the Vegan Episode 1: The backyard BBQ

Bob and girlfriend arrive. Rich and Dave are cooking on Rich’s deck.

Bob: Hey guys what’s up!

Rich and Dave together: Hey Bob.

Bob: I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Torrie.

Rich and Dave: Nice to meet you.

Torrie: Nice to meet you too. (Pause) Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Rich: Sure no problem. Turn left when you get in the house.

Torrie: Thanks. (She goes in the house)

Rich: Wow Bob, she’s smokin!

Dave: Totally!!

Rich: So what does she see in you?

Bob: I have NO idea.

Dave: Are you guys ready for some food! Hamburgs,
Hotdogs, Steak, Chicken. We got it all.

Rich: Sounds great.

Bob: No thanks.

Dave: What do you mean no thanks? You love meat! And we’ve
got everything!

Bob: I know, but no thanks. I’m a vegan now.

Rich: A virgin!? But I thought you said….

Bob: I didn’t say virgin you goob, I said vegan.

Dave: What’s a vegan. I’ve never heard of it.

Bob: It means I no longer eat meat, dairy or anything that comes from an
animal.

Dave: Are you messing with us?

Bob: No, I’m serious.

Rich: That’s crazy. When did you start this?

Bob: (Says quietly) Listen guys, this is killing me. Just
smelling this meat is making my insides explode. But don’t make a big deal
about it. Torrie was insistent that I become a vegan. I’m OK about it. Don’t say ANYTHING! I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

George arrives.

George: Hey guys. What’s up?

All: Hey George.

Dave: George, did you know Bob’s a vegan?

George: (To BOB) So you’ve been lying all these years??!!

Bob: You guys are idiots! Listen George, I want to tell you about my girlfriend.

George(cuts him off): Hold on Bob, I’m starving… Dave, let me
help with the food. Who wants what?

Torrie returns.

Bob: George this is my girlfriend, Torrie.

Torrie: Nice to meet you.

George: Nice to meet you too. Ladies first. What would you like to
eat Torrie?

Torrie: I’ll have a hamburger.

Bob, Rich and Dave: WHAT??!!!

Rich: I thought you and Bob were vegans.

Torrie: I never said I was a Vegan. This is just my way of balancing things out.

Rich: How so?

Torrie: Well since the beginning of time, men have treated women like meat. Calling us “Toots” and “Honey” and grabbing at us like we’re cattle. So I figured it’s time to even the score. If I’m a piece of meat, Bob’s a vegan. Sounds like a fair swap to me.What do you think Bob?

Bob: Sounds fair to me.

Rich and Dave and George: Ouch!

Torrie: Bob the Vegan huh? Aren't those leather shoes you're wearing?

Bob: Torrie, uh, hi. What a nice surprise!

Torrie: Please, don't give me that nice surprise crap. What the hell is going on?

Bob: We're just having a good time. George has been feeling down about Amy.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan? You can't wear leather shoes.

Bob: It's a special occasion. I made an exception for George.

Torrie: Well this is just a bit "out there" for me. When I think of guys I don't normally think of undies and women's high heels.

Dan: Well these shoes are actually for my new girlfriend.

Torrie: Seems like the wrong size Dan, don't you think?

Dan: Well they're for me….for her……she's a foot fetishist.

Torrie: Oh my god, what the hell is going on. What is this, some weird alternate universe where freaks rule the world.

Bob: Torrie enough!! C'mon lighten up. Have a drink. Please…for George.

Torrie looks at George who looks kind of stricken.

Torrie: FINE!…., let's see the show.

George: Sounds great. Thanks for understanding Torrie.

The music goes back on. Torrie has a few drinks and loosens up a bit.The gang is parading around and laughing.

George: Hey guys check this outfit out.

Bob: Oh my god George, you've had too many drinks.

Torrie and Dan gag on their drinks.

Dan: Get that heel out of your butt!! I have to wear those you know!

Bob and Torrie start laughing. Victoria now walks in.

Victoria: Hey guys can I join the party.

Dan: Hi honey!!

Dan goes over to kiss Victoria.

Dan: Everyone, this is Victoria.

Everyone: Hi Victoria

Victoria: Hi everyone!

The party continues until Victoria and Dan go off to Dan's room and Torrie and Bob go off to Bob's room. George is left alone.

George:(Talking out loud to himself) Now what?…..Alone…..I better get used to it…….hmm…..what should I do…..

He hears noises from the bedrooms.

George:(Still talking to himself) Great. That's all I need. Well I could always……Don't do it George……..no George, you've come too far……..

BUT….George gets out his computer and starts surfing for porn.

George:(Still talking to himself): This is all I have now. I'm a weak man. A lonely weak man.

Bob:(From the bedroom) What's the knocking noise I hear? Sounds like a heavy breathing woodpecker or something. Is that George?

Torrie: That is disgusting.

She covers her ears.

Torrie: I hear nothing!! ……..Come here Bob….you hottie!

Bob and Torrie embrace.

Tune in next week……

Bob: What's with all the shoes?

Dan: They're for my girlfriend.

Bob: Wow Dan. Six pair of shoes!? You must really be into this mystery girl.

Dan: I am. She's unbelievable!

George Walks In.

George: What's with all the shoes?

Bob: They're for Dan's girlfriend. (Turns to Dan) Don't you think it's time you finally told us about this mystery girl.

Dan looks at Bob, then George.

Dan: Fine, but you promise to not say anything? Or make fun of me?

George: Fine

Bob: Promise.

Dan:(Looks at George) Well, after we got kicked out of the Fetishist Anonymous meeting I was very upset. I really liked it and felt I could relate to everyone there. So I went back and begged the facilitator for another chance. She felt sorry for me, so she let me back in and I've been going since. I feel so alive and so empowered. The people there are so strange, that they make me feel normal somehow. And it's working. I haven't even looked at porn since I started going.

George: Or maybe you haven't looked at porn since you started dating this mystery girl.

Bob: Well that's great Dan. I'm happy for you. So who is this girl?!

Dan: Well she goes to the meetings too. George, you remember Victoria? The one with the foot fetish?

George: You mean the petite, dark haired girl that was telling her story when we got the boot. No pun intended.

Dan: That's the one. I talked to her after one of the meetings and we hit it off. She's so interesting. And she loves my feet!

Bob: Wow, a foot fetishist. And aren't you sweet. You bought her a bunch of new shoes…. She must have big feet.

Dan: Like I said, they're for her……indirectly……..she likes ME to dress up in women's shoes.

Bob: Wait….they're for you?!!!

George:(With a mean tone) Nice Dan. You went from being a porn addict to dressing up as woman!

Dan: Oh shut up George! You're such an ass! No wonder your wife kicked you out.

George: Oh, screw you!

Bob: Enough guys. Stop arguing!!

Everyone's quiet for a bit.

Bob: George, speaking of Amy. I ran into her last week.

George: What? And you didn't tell me til now??!! What the hell?

Bob: Well, I wasn't sure what I was going to say to you.

George: What do you mean? What did she say?

Bob: Well, I don't know how to say it really, so I'll just say it. She's thinking of leaving you.

George: What!?……..what did she say?

Bob: She said, the Chicken Porn incident wasn't the first one. There was this Facebook incident and so on, and so forth. Is that all true?

George: Yes, it's true.

Bob: But you always told me to be honest. You said, honesty is the best policy. Nice, coming from a total liar.

George:(Starts to tear up) I'm sorry Bob. It's not like that really. Amy's so amazing. Honestly, she's too good for me and she makes me feel so insecure. So instead of talking about it with her, I tried to make myself feel better by talking and flirting with other women.

Bob: Well you realize that's done the opposite of what you really wanted.

George: I guess in some ways, I felt Amy would always leave me, so I figured I would make it easier for her. Or maybe I would just leave her before she could leave me. What a mess!

Dan: I'm sorry George.

Bob: Wow George, I didn't realize you felt like this. You always seem so confident.

George: It's all an act. I never feel good enough for anyone. Even you guys. I'm worried that you won't like me unless I'm cool or say cool things. Or talk tough or whatever.

Bob: No one cares if you're cool or tough. I mean please. Dan's got six boxes of women's shoes sitting on the table. We're pretty accepting around here.

Dan: Yeah, George we don't care. We like you , so no worries about that. What are you going to do?

George: I have no idea. I think I already knew it was too late for me and Amy, I just never admitted it until now. (Tears are streaming down his face)

Bob: George, well you're our buddy no matter what. 

Dan: Yeah, that's right George. You're our bud. Buds stick together.

Bob: I have an idea. At least for right now. Let's get drunk and have a fashion show? I want to see Dan in those shoes.

George: Sounds like just what I need. A good laugh.

Bob: Will you model for us Dan?

Dan: I'd love to.

The three of them start to drink shots of whiskey. Dan is modeling shoes and they're hooting and hollering. The music is blaring. Now all three of them are trying on the shoes and parading around the house in just their underwear and shoes. They don't hear Torrie walk in.

Dan: Wow, this is so much fun!

George: I haven't felt this free in a long time. It's so liberating.

Bob: Hey guys, don't I look so sexy??

Torrie:(yells) Bob, what are you doing!?

They all freeze.

George: (Mutters to himself)Party's over…..Shit……

Torrie: Hey Mr. Vegan, are those leather shoes?

Next week: To be continued…..

Bob: Holy shit, that's Amy!

Jim: Where? …… Hey, you're right. Isn't George living with you now?

Bob: Yep. And this is going to be awkward.

Amy sees them and waves. They all stop.

Amy: Hey guys. How are you?

She gives Bob a hug. She nods at Jim who she doesn't know that well.

Bob: Sooo….how have you been Amy? George misses you so much.

Amy: Oh come off it Bob. You know George as well as I do. He's probably off with Dan at some strip club or something.

Bob:
Actually, not really. First of all, Dan's completely changed. He's been going to
meetings every week now. And he joined me in becoming a vegan.

Amy: Seriously?

Bob: Seriously.

Amy: And George?

Bob: Well, George has had a little more trouble.

Amy: Figures. I'll tell you, he's walking on thin ice with me.

Bob:(gulps)  But Amy?

Jim is just keeping his mouth shut through this whole exchange.

Amy:
Listen, this isn't the first time stuff like this has happened. A few
months ago he reconnected with some old flame on Facebook. He didn't
realize that we had a few mutual friends, so I found out about it. And then there was online chat room he was visiting. It just goes on and on. The "Chicken Porn" was the last
straw.

Bob: I thought he was Mr. Securi……(Bob stops short, recalling his conversation about security with George)

Amy: What was that?

Bob: Oh nothing….But don't you still love him? And miss him?

Amy: You know what. Not really. I'm actually thinking of leaving him for good.

Bob: NO!!! Don't say that. You don't mean that.

Amy: I'm sorry Bob, I guess I do. It's too bad he's not more like you.

Jim just looks at Bob. The whole scene is uncomfortable.

Amy:(Continues) You know what I especially don't miss?

Bob: I'm afraid to ask.

Amy: The little things.

Bob: Like what?

Amy:
Like the fact that he doesn't clean up after himself in the kitchen.
I'm always putting his dishes in the dishwasher and putting the food
away….or closing the cupboards. It drives me nuts. And then after he
takes a shower, he leaves the soap at the bottom of the tub instead of
in the soap dish. I hate having to try and grab it, squirting around
like a slippery little fish….(she pauses)…. But you know what the
worst is?

Bob: I'm scared to hear.

Amy: His underwear…..Every
week I do the wash, which I don't mind doing. We've kind of divided up
the chores. But every week he has only one pair of dirty underwear in
the hamper.

Bob: Um..should you really be telling me this?

Amy: Well
it's just gross. I always say, "Where's the rest of your underwear for
the week?" And he says, "That's it?" And I say, "ONE PAIR??!" And he
says, "Yep"

Bob: Yikes.

Amy: See!! That is so gross. He thinks it's funny. And then he wants me to….you know…..the whole thing grosses me out…….So no I don't miss that. And I don't really miss him.

Bob: Well, I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm sorry for you and George.

Jim: Um, sorry to interrupt, but Bob we should go. The movie's going to start soon.

Amy: Oh, what are you guys going to see?

Jim: That documentary on Hermaphrodites. Why? You want to come?

Bob gives Jim a scathing look. Jim ignores him.

Amy: Wow, you guys are brave to go together. Aren't you afraid everyone will think you're gay?

Jim:(says to Bob) See?!!

Bob just shrugs.

Bob: I told you, I don't care either way.

Jim:(To Amy) So what do you say, you wanna come?

Now Jim is even more excited at the prospect of Amy becoming single.

Amy: Sure, I'd love to come. I've got nothing going on.

Bob just looks at Jim. The three of them walk to the movies.

Next week: Find out if Bob tells George. And. Dan's got a new girlfriend

This Thursday: The Guy's Horizon: The Future of Gender

Scroll down for today's episode.

Bob, I'm a Vegan

The Lawn Mower

It Wasn't me

The Chicken Video

Dan, Dan The Porn Man Turns Purple

Torrie Returns

Fetishist Anonymous

Episode 8: Going to the Movies

Bob and his friend Jim meet up on the street.

Bob: Hey Jim, long time. What's up?

Jim: Hey man. Yeah, I guess since the BBQ. How are things? And how's that hot girlfriend of yours? What's her name again?

Bob: Uh, you mean Torrie?

Jim: Yeah, Torrie. What's up with her? You guys still together?

Bob: I guess you could say that. It's been a long road.

Jim: Long road? But hasn't it only been a few months?

Bob: Yeah. but it's been a tough few months.

Jim: Oh yeah, the whole vegan thing. I almost forgot. You're not still doing that are you?

Bob: As a matter of fact I am. And actually I'm kind of digging it. But Torrie has now changed her mind and doesn't want me to be a vegan anymore.

Jim: How come women have to be so damn complicated?

Bob: I have no idea! So how are the ladies treating you?

Jim: Same old. A few dates here and there, but mostly just working, and doing what a guy needs to do to get by.

Bob: Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do as we GUYS say….So are you up for a movie?

Jim: Sounds good.

Bob: Cool. Well, I wanted to see this documentary

Jim: A documentary!!!??? Are you kidding. I hate documentaries. So boring!! What's it about?

Bob: It's called "The Third Gender." It's about hermaphrodites.

Jim: What the hell is a hermaphrodite? Sounds like a Greek god or something.

Bob: It's a person with both male and female sex organs.

Jim: So kind of like a Greek god?! So…what are you getting into these days Bob? First you're a vegan and now you're into hermaphrodites.

Bob: Very Funny…. Listen, I'm just  curious. It's a world I know nothing about. It will be interesting.

Jim: Sounds kinky. But I'm always game for kinky. But it might be a bit strange to go together. You know, two guys going to a movie about hermaphrodites. It might be slightly….you know…

Bob: Who cares? What do I care what people think?

Jim: Well I do…….Listen, here's what we do. When we sit down, just don't sit right next to me. Leave a seat between us.

Bob: Why?

Jim: So we won't look totally gay?

Bob: No one's going to think we're gay?

Jim: Just leave a seat between us please?

Bob: OK, fine…..Whatever…….you ready?

Jim: Let's do it.

They start to walk towards the theater. Bob sees Amy, George's wife, walking towards them.

Bob: Holy shit, that's Amy.

Jim: So?

Bob: I haven't seen her since she kicked out George.

Jim: Well, this should be interesting.

To be continued….Tuesday……..

THIS THURSDAY: The Guy's Horizon: The Future of Gender

George: Damn buses!! What the hell is going on!?

Dan: It’s the first week of school. It’s never a good idea to travel through
town between 8am-9am.

George: (Screams at the bus) C’MON!!! Let’s go, let’s go!!

Dan: Relax George, you’ll frighten the kids!

George: Well, do they have to stop every 30 seconds??!!!

Dan: It’s a school bus George. That’s what they do. They
pick up kids.

George: Well this sucks. That’s for sure.

Dan:  You know what I was thinking?

George: What were you thinking?

Dan: I was thinking I can remember going to school like it was just yesterday.
This time of year always brings me back to animal crackers, recess and Sarah
Goldstone, my first crush.

George: Nice

Dan: But it’s kind of ironic that twenty years later, I’m
driving behind a school bus going to a meeting for sex addiction. Now that’s kind of
sick.

George: Oh please, don’t be so melodramatic. It’s not like
you’ve done anything… just watched a little porn.

Dan rolls his eyes at him

George: …..OK, watched a lot of porn.
What’s the big deal?

Dan: Well Amy, your wife thinks it’s a big deal. Why do you think you’re living
with Bob now?

George:  Please, Amy made a big deal out of nothing. I didn’t even do anything!! It wasn’t
like I cheated on her or something.

Dan: No, but you did deceive her, and for some people that’s
the same thing. Just like you told Bob, remember?

George: Oh, let’s drop it….(Screams out his window) Let’s
go!!  (mutters) Damn school buses!

They arrive at the meeting.

Dan: Now be cool George.

George: You don’t need to tell me to be cool. I’m fine. 

Dan: OK fine…(pause)….

George: Now why are we going to Fetishist Anonymous meeting anyway? Isn't there something like Porn Anonymous?

Dan: Not around here…. This will be fine. (Pause)…. C'mon…let's go. We're gonna miss the meeting.

They enter a small brick building with a central meeting area in
the basement. 10 people are sitting in chairs in a circle. The leader is a
friendly woman with white hair.

Woman: Well hello newcomers. How are you?

Dan and George: (Sheepishly) Hi.

Everyone smiles at them.

Woman: I’m the facilitator here at Fetishist Anonymous. You can
call me Grace, but that’s not my real name. We like to keep some level of
anonymity here at FA. You gentlemen are very welcome.

Dan: Thank you.

George: (Under his breath) What the hell am I doing here?

Grace: So it's time. Who'd like to start the sharing?

A very young women in what looks to be her early 20s raises her hand. Her name is Veronica.

Veronica: Hi everyone, thanks for listening.

Everyone Together: Hi Veronica, we are all yours!

George looks at Dan with that WTF look on his face. Dan
ignores him.

Veronica: Well, I’ve been having a hard time lately. I keep having that same urge to lick my boyfriend’s feet. It seems to be the
only way I can get excited.

She pauses. Everyone nods in encouragement. 

Veronica: My boyfriend is kind of "weirded" out by the whole thing. So I wait until he's asleep and then I lick his feet. I just can't help myself.  After I
do this I’m so hot and bothered I try to wake him up. But that's not working out so well. In fact, just last night I startled him so badly that he woke up kicking. He thought he had a bug on him or something. He knocked me off the bed and chipped
one of my teeth. He felt terrible about it, but it was all my fault.

George is not paying attention.. He’s watching something on
the ground. Dan notices.

Dan (whispers): George, what are you doing? Pay attention.

George (whispers): I can’t. There’s a cockroach on the
ground and I’m afraid it’s going to crawl up my leg.

Dan: Will you cut it out. We’re going to get kicked out of the meeting.

George: I can’t concentrate. Just let me kill that roach and then I’ll pay
attention.

Dan: Just leave the damn thing alone.

Veronica is still talking:

Veronica: Anyway, I’m trying hard not to give in to my urges, but they are so strong….I'm not sure how much more my boyfriend can take.

Grace: Thank you so much for sharing. Would anyone like to
piggyback on to what Veronica was saying? Or does anyone have any thoughts for
her?

Dan raises his hand:

Grace: Yes, dear, would you like to share. Please tell us your name.

Dan: My name’s….uh,…….Fred…..and I’d like to……

CRUNCH!! ………CRACKLE!!!….

George(too loudly): Got you, you little bastard!!

George kills the cockroach. He looks up. Dan looks up
startled. Everyone’s staring in horror. Grace starts glancing nervously to her
right at a very tall women with straight black hair. All of sudden the women
starts to…

MOAN…….Oohhh……..YES!!!!……………….MOAN…………….mmm.mmmm………….. OH….YES!!!!

George: Oh my God, is she having a…..a ……..THE BIG
“O”?? ….Holy shit.

Dan: What the hell did you do?

George: I just stepped on that cockroach.

The moaning continues. Everyone is glancing nervously
around.

Grace: It’s alright everyone. Just stay calm.
Gentlemen, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Dan and George slink out of the hall. The woman continues. 

Dan yells at George:

Dan: "Damnit" George what is your problem!!?

George: I just stepped on a cockroach. How was I supposed to know it would make that woman do
that???!!

Dan: C’mon. It’s Fetishist Anonymous for Christ Sake!! Anything could happen.

George: I’m sorry Dan, I just stepped on a bug.

Dan: Well, you had a shitty attitude going in.

George: Yeah and so what!?

Dan: Well you ruined it for me too! Thanks a lot!!

They walk away in silence.

Bob and the gang will be back in two weeks!!

Torrie: Oh Bob it’s so good to see you. (She hugs him)

Bob: Wow, that was nice. I really have been missing you.

Torrie: I've been missing you too Bob. I've had time to do a lot of thinking these last few weeks.

Bob: And so have you come to any conclusions?

Torrie: Actually I have. I realize that you are the best guy I’ve ever
gone out with. I want to put this
all behind us: our disagreements and misunderstandings and the whole vegan
thing.

Bob:  That sounds
good to me. But what do you mean the whole vegan thing?.

Torrie: Bob, I don’t care if you’re a vegan. You don’t have to do
that for me. I know it was kind of ridiculous for me to ask you to do that in the first place.

Bob: Actually, I like being a vegan. I feel great. I
have more energy and I’m in better shape. I should thank you for suggesting it.

Torrie: You really expect me to believe that in a few weeks
you’ve completely changed?

Bob:  Yes, I do. And l now I have a
support group. George is also living the vegan lifestyle. It helps that we have
each other.

Torrie: George??!! Please! I’m sure he’s already sneaking
behind your back and you don’t even know it. So really, enough already. I know you just did it
for me. Well I’m here. I’m yours. Let’s just drop it and go eat some
hamburgers.

Bob:  I don’t want to
drop it and I definitely don't want hamburgers. I want to stay a vegan. I hope you’ll understand.

Torrie (throws up her hands): OK, BOB, Whatever?! (Sarcastically) Let’s just go eat something. I’m starving.

Bob and Torrie go to a sandwich shop. They're standing in a long line.

Torrie:  Did you just
see that?

Bob: What?

Torrie:  That old lady totally cut in
line!

Bob:  What old lady?

Torrie: That old lady right there. She’s pretending like she doesn’t see us all standing right here.

Bob:  Who cares. She’s older. Maybe it’s
too tiring for her to stand in a long line. Or maybe she really doesn’t see us.

Torrie: Oh please, if she’s fit enough to come to a sandwich
shop, she’s fit enough to stand in line. How can she not see us? There’s twenty
of us standing here in plain sight.

Bob: Oh god, Torrie please chill.

Torrie: I’m gonna say something.

Bob:  NO, DON'T.
Please!

Torrie: Bob, calm down. Everyone will be thanking me, I’m
telling you.

Bob: No, I think you’re wrong. You’re going to be on your
own on this one.

Torrie: No I'm not!… Listen, cutting in line is a big pet peeve of mine. You know that. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean the rules don’t apply to her anymore.
At what age does that happen?

Bob: I think it just happens when a
person decides it does. Just let it go, it’s no big deal.

Torrie ignores him. She yells out.

Torrie: Hey, what do you think you're doing? Don’t you see
there’s a line here!!??

Everyone turns around to look at Torrie. Bob cringes.

Torrie continues: Hey you!

The older lady looks up.

Torrie: Yes you! Can’t you see there’s a line here!!

The old lady looks stricken. The people in line start
glaring at Torrie.

One Guy(speaking to the older woman): It’s OK, don’t listen to her. Go ahead and get your
order. We’re fine.

Bob and Torrie can hear a few voices whispering in line.

“Unbelievable” “What is her problem” "She's psycho"

Torrie gets red in the face and screams.

Torrie: What is wrong with you people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She runs out of the shop crying. Bob looks at everyone and
shrugs apologetically and runs after her. He catches her down the street.

Bob: It’s OK.

Torrie: What’s wrong with everyone? Why is everyone so afraid to
speak out?

Bob: Sometimes it’s just easier to let it go.

Torrie: I’m not ABOUT easy!

Bob: I know you’re not, and I love you just how you are.

Torrie looks up at Bob and cries even harder. She hugs him tighter
than she’s ever hugged anyone in her life.

Tomorrow: Find out what happens when Dan and George go to their
first meeting.

George: So what’s the latest with Torrie? Any word?

Bob: Yeah. We’re meeting up next week.

George: That’s great. Maybe it will work out after all.
How did you get her to actually talk to you?

Bob: Well I've been calling her everyday now for over a week. Finally she picked up the phone…. I just told her how wonderful she is and that I missed her a lot.  And I
apologized to her at least ten times about being so stupid.

George: So you basically groveled like a desperate loser.

Bob: Yeah, something like that.

Dan enters cafe. Waves.

Dan: Hey Guys!

George: Hey Dan.

Bob: What’s up?

Dan: Not much.

George: It’s good to see you.

Dan: Yeah, good to see you guys. George I'm sorry about that whole “Chicken Video” thing.

George: Well, it wasn’t your fault. And anyway, Amy's been mad at me before. She'll get over it.

Bob: So how is the porn world these days Dan?

Dan: Not so good. I’m currently between homes.

George: What do you mean?

Dan: Well, there was an incident at my parent’s house.

Bob: What kind of incident?

Dan: Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

George: What??

Dan: My mom saw me naked.

Bob: Saw you naked? Like how?

Dan: I was just walking to the shower without a towel.

George: That doesn’t sound like a big deal…. like you said….maybe a little
embarrassing.

Dan: Well it really wasn’t a big deal, except….(pause)

Bob: Except what?

Dan: Well, at first it WAS just a little embarrassing like you said, until my mom started staring at my penis.

Bob: What do you mean?! She kept staring at your penis?!

Dan: YES,  she just kept staring at my penis!!

George: Yikes! Can we say, awkward?

Bob: Why would she do that?

Dan: I don't know. It WAS very awkward. After she stared for what seemed like forever she said, “Dan, why is your penis purple?”

George spits out his coffee.

Bob: What?!!

Dan: I was mortified.

George: That is too funny.

Dan: Yeah, real funny…..It was awful, especially when I realized…

Bob: Realized?…What?….What did you realize?

Dan: Well I didn't even know it was purple until that moment. Then I realized why.

Bob: I don't get it!!!……Can you PLEASE…EXPLAIN..why your penis was purple?

Dan: Well I was eating beets. And then I
did…..you know…….."THAT"…..

Bob: What’s "THAT?"

Dan:  You
know……."THAT"……. (makes a motion with his hand)

George: Wait a second…….."THAT?" …….Oh my god, that is just too perfect! (laughing)

Dan: But I wasn't going to tell my mom that. So I said, I don't know mom. And I put my hands out for emphasis.

Bob: Oh my god.

Dan: Then she said, Dan your hands are purple too?!

George: This keeps getting better and better!

Dan: I didn't even know what to say. So I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. Of course I left the empty can of beets next to my computer. When I went back to my room after my shower, the can was gone. My mom must have found it. One way or another she put it all together.

Bob: Man that is so sick. Who eats beets and does "THAT" at the same
time? .

Dan: Well, I love beets. And I…I was hungry. Jeez, what’s the big deal??!!

George: Well that's a new one for the books
for sure. Well at least she didn’t catch you with your pants around your
ankles.

Dan: That might have been better.

Bob: So what, she kicked you out for having a purple penis?

Dan: No, my mom is totally cool. She would never kick me out for that. And she
probably didn’t even tell my dad.

Bob: So why are you between homes?

Dan: I’m just too embarrassed. I can’t even look at my mom without feeling like
a sicko.

George: I’m sorry to hear that Dan. Quite unfortunate.

Dan: So I really need to kick this porn habit. I think I’m
going to join a support group. There must be Porn Anonymous or something like that.

Bob: I’m sure there is. There’s a group for everything.

George: What you need to do is join us and become a vegan. You’ll feel
better, and it will help cleanse the toxins from your body. It might
clear your mind too. 

Dan: I don’t know if I'm up for that. I have more pressing matters anyway. I need to find a place to stay.

George: Bob, you’ve got two
bedrooms that aren’t being used?! Dan could stay with us. What do you think?

Dan: That would be amazing!

Bob: Well, I don’t……

George: C'mon, it will be great.

Dan: That would be so cool!

Bob: I guess it would be all right.

Dan: Sweet! (High fives George and Bob) Thanks Bob, you’re such a good guy.

Bob: I know. That’s my problem.

Next week: Torrie is back. George and Dan attend their first meeting. 

To get caught up on the entire story, go to Categories  and click on: Relationship Humor: Bob the Vegan

(To the right on this page)

Chapter 4: The Video

A Week Later:  George
Calls  Bob.

George: Bob, how did things go with Torrie?

Bob: I’m not talking to you.

George: What happened?

Bob: Torrie broke up with me. And she won’t even talk to me. It’s all your
fault!

George: My fault? How?

Bob: You and that, “It wasn’t me” crap!

George: Now hold on. I told you to be honest first. Didn’t
I?

Bob: Well…..yeah…

George: But you said you couldn’t do that. You said she'd break up with you if you were honest.

Bob: So?

George: And then you begged me for some help. What did I say?  I said, “Women always find out.” Didn’t I?

Bob: Yeah

George: And now this. (Pause) So what actually happened?

Bob: Remember we were talking on the phone and then Torrie came to the door… I quickly rinsed my mouth,  got some gum,
but forgot to check my clothes. I had a big BBQ stain right on the front of my
shirt. Torrie of course saw it and it just went downhill from there. She basically said she didn't trust me anymore and then left.

George: Yeah, that doesn't sound good. I guess this should just tell you to be honest from now on.

Bob: I usually am. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Damn…. I'm such an idiot….Am I the only one this happens to?….What about you?  Have you ever been caught doing something stupid like that?

George: Me?! (laughs) Of course not! I'm always on top of my security. 

Bob: But you just said……

George: I know, but I'm one of the few GUYS who's always one step ahead.

Bob: Well I only wish. I'm more like ten steps behind.

George: Well, I have something that will
cheer you up.

Bob: What?

George: Are you online?

Bob: No.

George: Well Dan just sent me a new video. It's crazy!

Bob: Wait a second, is this Dan, Dan the porn man??

George: Is that what you call him? I guess you could say he partakes a little.

Bob: A little!!!??? Oh please. He watches 24/7! He’s always
sending me a link to this site or that site. The guy needs to come up for air and get a life. AND move out of his parent's house.

George: C’mon Bob, you’ve gotta check this out. I've never seen anything like it. A guy, a girl and a chicken.

Bob: A chicken!! NO…..are you nuts?!

George: You're missing out.

Bob: Anyway, I told you. I’m a full-fledged Vegan
now. We don't use any animal products, which includes watching Chicken Porn.

George: Are you sure?

Bob: Yes, I'm sure! I need to stay focused. I'm trying to win Torrie back by showing her I can really do this.

George: Bob….. committing to a Vegan lifestyle is not going to prove anything to her. She won’t
even talk to you at this point.

Bob: I don’t care. I’m going to show her that I’ll do
anything to win her back.

George: OK, Bob. Suit yourself. …Like I said, you're missing out.

Bob: Whatever…

The next day George shows up at Bob’s house. Bob answers
the door.

Bob: George what are you doing here?

George: Can I stay at your house for a while?

Bob: What do you mean?

George: I got kicked out.

Bob: What? …What happened?

George: Well, Dan and I were emailing last night about that Chicken Video and I forgot to
log out. When Amy came down this morning, she read the entire correspondence.

Bob: Wait! You….you got busted?!! This is good. I thought you said you were always one step ahead?

George: Oh shut up Bob! Don't even start.

Bob: Well, I guess there's a first for everything… So what did she say?

George: She said she could barely even look at me. She said I was sick and needed to get help.

Bob: Wow, that's harsh.

George: I told her it was just a little harmless porn.

Bob: I bet that went over well.

George: It probably would have been fine. Amy's very open minded about that stuff. BUT….then she watched the video…….Not Good.

Bob: What the hell was on that video?!

George: I’m too embarrassed to say. Let's just say, it doesn't work out that well for the chicken. 

Bob: Dude, you are sick.

George: I was just curious, that's all. I couldn't help but watch it.

Bob: I don't know George, I'm having second thoughts about letting you stay here.

George: Don't even go there Bob. I'm not in the mood. (pause) Maybe I should become a Vegan too?

Bob: It might be a good start.

George: That would prove to Amy that I could change.

Bob: That might work.

George: We could start a Vegan Group.

Bob: Well…. that actually could be nice. Making the commitment might be easier with someone else doing it with me.

George: Great! So I'm in. To the Brotherhood of the Vegans!!!

Bob: To the brotherhood!

George: So where's my room?

Next Week:

Chapter 5: Enter "Dan, Dan the Porn Man."

Third Week: Here we go!

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can't take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it's me and I just  can't do it. 

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I've been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don't mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce. 

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don't blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She'll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don't tell her, she's going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how's she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C'mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once. 

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That's why we're not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that's how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn't it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn't believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact. 

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him, he just kept repeating, "It wasn't me." Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, "It wasn't me." Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that's just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We'll I'm not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie's here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It's great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that's sweet……..You know Bob, I've been thinking. We've been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You've been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven't always picked the nicest of guys and I've had some bad luck too. You're such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let's just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you're not a pig like the rest of the guys I've dated, so why don't you go ahead and eat whatever you'd like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven't really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I'm speechless. 

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What's that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that's not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It's not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you're lying to me.

Bob: No. It's not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you're a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn't me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn't me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn't me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn't me… It wasn't me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn't me.

Torrie: Bob if you don't shut up with that "It wasn't me" crap, I'm going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn't me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can't believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn't me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Find out what happens next week……

Here we go:

Bob and his buddy Jim: At a coffee shop

Jim: Sorry I missed the big BBQ last weekend. I heard it was
fun.

Bob: Yeah, it was OK.

Jim: Everyone was raving about Torrie. They said she's quite something!

Bob: Yeah, but I don’t know how long that’s going to last.

Jim: Why? Is it that Vegan thing?

Bob: Yeah.

Jim: It sounds crazy. I know I could never do it. I mean giving up hamburgers, steak, chicken. That’s crazy!

Bob: I know. I know. But I’m actually doing fine abstaining.

Jim: Excuse me, did you just say, abstaining?

Bob: Yeah I did, what the…Oh my god, what am I turning into?

Jim: Maybe, you're getting smarter.

Bob: Funny….seriously, this is killing me! I've had to give up all sorts of stuff.

Jim: Like what?

Bob: Like softball for instance.

JIm: What????

Bob: Well the gloves are leather. An animal product. I tried making a glove out of string and cardboard, but it just didn’t cut it. I kept getting hit in
the face..

Jim: That's rough man.

Bob: Yeah it is. But the bigger problem is, I just can’t keep
up with all the rules. I’ve actually had to write them all down in a journal.
Everyday I learn about something else I can’t do.

Jim: So why is Torrie so mad?

Bob: Because while I was mowing the lawn I saw some dog
poop and asked her what I should do.

Jim: What do you mean?

Bob: Well, I was afraid I might break a rule if for some reason I ran over the dog poop. Well, you know, it does come from an animal.

Jim: That sounds pretty extreme. What did she say?

Bob: She said I was a complete moron. Then
she told me to GO SIT IN IT. And she stormed out and went back to her apartment.

Jim: Well I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with her.

Bob: Thanks a lot.

Jim: Well then what happened?

Bob: After she left, I just…..I just couldn't help myself.

Jim: What did you do?

Bob: I lowered the blades on the mower to as low as they could go, and I just put them right over the poop. It shot all over the yard, on to the house, the car, the neighbor's dog. It was quite cleansing in fact. Of course now I have to clean it all up.

Jim: Dude, you are sick. You better go apologize to Torrie or something.

Bob: I plan on it. She's coming over for dinner. If you call cabbage and carrots, dinner. But first, I gotta go clean up the evidence…..see ya.

Jim: Yeah, later. And good luck.

AND til' next time…..

THE GUYS

Tomorrow: Question/Answer: Video Footage in "Animation"…kind of.

Good day! We’d like to start off the week with a little humor.
It’s our relationship humor series every Monday morning.

And we’d like to qualify this post by saying, the ideas expressed in this skit do not necessarily reflect the opinions of THE GUYS. We think people should decide for themselves what lifestyle works and doesn’t work for them. No seriously, we’re not kidding! …..Really, we’re serious!!! Oh, forget it. Let’s get on with it.

And now an excerpt from THE
CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF BOB!

At a backyard BBQ

Bob and girlfriend arrive. Rich and Dave are cooking on Rich’s deck.

Bob: Hey guys what’s up!

Rich and Dave together: Hey Bob.

Bob: I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Torrie.

Rich and Dave: Nice to meet you.

Torrie: Nice to meet you too. (Pause) Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Rich: Sure no problem. Turn left when you get in the house.

Torrie: Thanks. (She goes in the house)

Rich: Wow Bob, she’s smokin!

Dave: Totally!!

Rich: So what does she see in you?

Bob: I have NO idea.

Dave: Are you guys ready for some food! Hamburgs,
Hotdogs, Steak, Chicken. We got it all.

Rich: Sounds great.

Bob: No thanks.

Dave: What do you mean no thanks? You love meat! And we’ve
got everything!

Bob: I know, but no thanks. I’m a vegan now.

Rich: A virgin!? But I thought you said….

Bob: I didn’t say virgin you goob, I said vegan.

Dave: What’s a vegan. I’ve never heard of it.

Bob: It means I no longer eat meat, dairy or anything that comes from an
animal.

Dave: Are you messing with us?

Bob: No, I’m serious.

Rich: That’s crazy. When did you start this?

Bob: (Says quietly) Listen guys, this is killing me. Just
smelling this meat is making my insides explode. But don’t make a big deal
about it. Torrie was insistent that I become a vegan. I’m OK about it. Don’t say ANYTHING! I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

George arrives.

George: Hey guys. What’s up?

All: Hey George.

Dave: George, did you know Bob’s a vegan?

George: (To BOB) So you’ve been lying all these years??!!

Bob: You guys are idiots! Listen George, I want to tell you about my girlfriend.

George(cuts him off): Hold on Bob, I’m starving… Dave, let me
help with the food. Who wants what?

Torrie returns.

Bob: George this is my girlfriend, Torrie.

Torrie: Nice to meet you.

George: Nice to meet you too. Ladies first. What would you like to
eat Torrie?

Torrie: I’ll have a hamburger.

Bob, Rich and Dave: WHAT??!!!

Rich: I thought you and BOB were vegans.

Torrie: I never said “I” was a vegan. This is just my way of balancing things out.

Rich: How so?

Torrie: Well since the beginning of time, men have treated women like meat. Calling us “Toots” and “Honey” and grabbing at us like we’re cattle. So I figured it’s time to even the score. If I’m a piece of meat, Bob’s a vegan. Sounds like a fair swap to me.What do you think Bob?

Bob: Sounds fair to me.

Rich and Dave and George: Ouch!

Tomorrow: Question/Answer: Guys and Sex