The Guy’s Perspective

Written by Sai: Aka, “One of the Guys”

When my kids are sick I never quite feel right. It’s as if I have a furry woodland creature gnawing away at my stomach lining, trying to claw it’s way in. Somehow I’m able to function with this creature inside of me, but it throws off my equilibrium and my balance. And I get occasional stabs of pain.

My daughter’s been sick the last four days. She’s got a fever. She’s tired, listless, and unhappy. So my wife and I set her up on the couch in our room, so she can sleep, watch TV, and be with us at night. We like to be able to keep an eye on her.

But since we still have to attend to our other responsibilities-like her brothers-we gave her a small bell to ring when she needs us. This same bell we’ve also given to her brothers when they’ve been sick, and it seemed to work well. The boys would use it only when they needed something serious-like they were getting cold, or they were hungry, or lonely. My daughter, well that’s another story.

It all started off innocently enough. She’d ring it for some of the same reasons as the boys. But then she realized the power of the bell, and that’s when things got out of control.

“Daddy, my blanket fell on the floor.” (The couch is six inches above the floor)

“Daddy can you change the channel.” (She’s holding the remote and knows how to use it.)

“Mommy, can you bring me the computer?” (It’s on the bed next to the couch. She’s feeling better and totally capable of walking over to bed.)

“Daddy, what’s your favorite color?”

“Mommy, I want a dog.”

And it went on and on. Every time we’d sit and relax, or get started on a project that damn bell would ring. In fact my wife and I started hearing that bell, even when she wasn’t ringing it.

“Was that the bell?” my wife would say to me.

“No I think it was one of the boys blowing his nose.”

__________________

“I think I hear the bell,” I would say.

“Nope, that’s the dish washer,” my wife would retort.

___________________

And so it went.

And I got to wondering. My boys have had the same bell in their possession, but they’ve only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Actually, we had to push them to use it, otherwise they would have sat in bed and suffered. My boys actually felt threatened by that damn bell.

But not my daughter. Oh no. My daughter felt empowered by the bell. .

So I’ve been pondering what this all means, and how it might relate to the innate qualities of men and women.

Are we truly all hardwired from birth to take on the qualities of gender, passed on by generations before us?

Or is this an isolated incident, unique to my family and my kids?

My boys are like tiny men; you know the kind-they refuse to ask for directions when they’re lost. And my daughter is completely comfortable with the power bestowed on her, wielding it at every opportunity. It’s a funny thought to me, but one that might have some merit to it.

Either way, I’d like to take that bell and send it where it belongs-to the depth of Hades. But I am glad she’s starting to feel better. And she’s hard to say no to.

Gotta run. I hear that freakin’ bell now. Am I’m not kidding!!!!
“I’m coming honey!!”

What do you think?

While THE GUYS are regrouping a bit this summer, we’re posting some of the highlights from the “Bob the Vegan” series. Enjoy.

This was the third episode.

Episode 1: We introduce Bob and Torrie. He becomes a vegan.

Episode 2: Bob is having a hard time. He gets revenge with the lawn mower.

And now, Episode 3: (George is one of his best buddies.)

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can’t take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it’s me and I just  can’t do it.

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I’ve been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don’t mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don’t blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She’ll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don’t tell her, she’s going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how’s she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C’mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once.

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That’s why we’re not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that’s how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn’t it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn’t believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact.

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him later, he just kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that’s just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We’ll I’m not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie’s here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It’s great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that’s sweet……..You know Bob, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You’ve been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven’t always picked the nicest of guys and I’ve had some bad luck too. You’re such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let’s just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you’re not a pig like the rest of the guys I’ve dated, so why don’t you go ahead and eat whatever you’d like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven’t really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I’m speechless.

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What’s that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re lying to me.

Bob: No. It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob if you don’t shut up with that “It wasn’t me” crap, I’m going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn’t me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn’t me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Coming soon: We answer more relationship questions. And our next podcast will be a week from today!

Thanks to all of you that left us a review on itunes for our podcast….and for those of you that left us a five star rating. We appreciate it!

After we get the first twenty review on itunes, we’re having a drawing. The winner gets to pick whatever they want from our merchandise page. We’ll gift wrap it and ship it to you!

If you haven’t done it yet, we still have a few reviews to go, so head on over to itunes. Thanks!

Bob the Vegan

For those of you that haven’t seen this series, we introduced this back in the fall of 2009. We’re going to be posting some of the more memorable skits in this series. Today’s skit is the very first Bob the Vegan we ever wrote!

And we’d like to qualify this post by saying, the ideas expressed in this skit do not necessarily reflect the opinions of THE GUYS. We think people should decide for themselves what lifestyle works and doesn’t work for them. No seriously, we’re not kidding! …..Really, we’re serious!!! Oh, forget it. Let’s get on with it.

Bob the Vegan Episode 1: The backyard BBQ

Bob and girlfriend arrive. Rich and Dave are cooking on Rich’s deck.

Bob: Hey guys what’s up!

Rich and Dave together: Hey Bob.

Bob: I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend, Torrie.

Rich and Dave: Nice to meet you.

Torrie: Nice to meet you too. (Pause) Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Rich: Sure no problem. Turn left when you get in the house.

Torrie: Thanks. (She goes in the house)

Rich: Wow Bob, she’s smokin!

Dave: Totally!!

Rich: So what does she see in you?

Bob: I have NO idea.

Dave: Are you guys ready for some food! Hamburgs,
Hotdogs, Steak, Chicken. We got it all.

Rich: Sounds great.

Bob: No thanks.

Dave: What do you mean no thanks? You love meat! And we’ve
got everything!

Bob: I know, but no thanks. I’m a vegan now.

Rich: A virgin!? But I thought you said….

Bob: I didn’t say virgin you goob, I said vegan.

Dave: What’s a vegan. I’ve never heard of it.

Bob: It means I no longer eat meat, dairy or anything that comes from an
animal.

Dave: Are you messing with us?

Bob: No, I’m serious.

Rich: That’s crazy. When did you start this?

Bob: (Says quietly) Listen guys, this is killing me. Just
smelling this meat is making my insides explode. But don’t make a big deal
about it. Torrie was insistent that I become a vegan. I’m OK about it. Don’t say ANYTHING! I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

George arrives.

George: Hey guys. What’s up?

All: Hey George.

Dave: George, did you know Bob’s a vegan?

George: (To BOB) So you’ve been lying all these years??!!

Bob: You guys are idiots! Listen George, I want to tell you about my girlfriend.

George(cuts him off): Hold on Bob, I’m starving… Dave, let me
help with the food. Who wants what?

Torrie returns.

Bob: George this is my girlfriend, Torrie.

Torrie: Nice to meet you.

George: Nice to meet you too. Ladies first. What would you like to
eat Torrie?

Torrie: I’ll have a hamburger.

Bob, Rich and Dave: WHAT??!!!

Rich: I thought you and Bob were vegans.

Torrie: I never said I was a Vegan. This is just my way of balancing things out.

Rich: How so?

Torrie: Well since the beginning of time, men have treated women like meat. Calling us “Toots” and “Honey” and grabbing at us like we’re cattle. So I figured it’s time to even the score. If I’m a piece of meat, Bob’s a vegan. Sounds like a fair swap to me.What do you think Bob?

Bob: Sounds fair to me.

Rich and Dave and George: Ouch!

Dear Readers,

Before we begin our post, we want to thank you for your patience as we transition to our new site. We’ve had a few delays, but hopefully things are squared away now. Our first podcast should be up tomorrow.

To subscribe to our blog or podcast please use the buttons on the right side of each page. If something is still amiss please contact us to let us now, like many of you did today. We appreciate that greatly!

THE GUYS

From: One of The Guys

This is a true story from a friend of mine.

He and his wife are in couple’s counseling. Not to repair any major damage, but to keep the communication open and help them understand each other better. He calls it a proactive approach, similar to exercising and eating right instead of going to the doctor for high blood pressure and adult onset diabetes.

So they walk into the office, and the therapist has a dog in the room.

Therapist: Don’t worry he’ll just lie here. If he causes any problem I’ll remove him.

My friend and his wife: That’s fine.

So the session goes on and the dog is actually a problem. He starts chewing on an empty plastic coke bottle causing a huge ruckus. Then the dog starts whining for a while. But the final straw is when the dog starts humping the therapist’s leg. Finally he removes him.

Therapist: I’m really sorry about that. Now my reputation is going to be ruined.

My Friend and Wife: Oh it’s fine. No worries. He wasn’t that bad.

I’m laughing as he’s recounting the story to me. He said the dog was sweet, but also kind of annoying too. Then it dawned on me.

Me: That was all a ruse.

Him: What do you mean?

Me: That dog wasn’t misbehaving.

Him: What are you talking about?

Me: The dog was the therapist.

Him: What? Have you lost it.

Me: NO, seriously. The dog was the therapist.

Him: Now I’m totally confused.

Me: Isn’t it obvious?

Him: You’ve lost me.

Me: Listen. First of all, the dog plays with the coke bottle while you’re talking. What does it mean? It could mean two things. He’s telling you to stop using your wife’s stuff or maybe just listen better. Next. The dog doesn’t stop whining. Well, remember how much you bitched last week because you had to go grocery shopping a few times. Maybe you should just be more agreeable. Finally. The dog starts humping the guy’s leg. He’s telling you to slow down. You need to warm up your wife before you try to get some action. You know, a little wine, some good conversation, maybe a back rub or a foot massage.

Him: It was a dog you moron.

Me: I’m just stating the obvious.

Him: Remind me not to share any more stories with you.

Me: I’m just saying, I don’t know a lot of women that enjoy being humped in the leg.

Him: I’m outta here.

What do you think your pet is trying to tell you?

What do you wish your pet would tell your spouse or partner?

Is there something you’d like to change about your partner but have a hard time telling him or her?

From: THE GUYS

Relationships are complicated dances of give and take, and compromise. We don’t mean compromising values, but more a willingness to budge,  just a little, when the issue at hand is not really that important. Otherwise the music stops and the dance is over.

Here are some examples of budging from our point of view.

Us: Do we really have to go to this thing?

You: (Give us THE LOOK)

Us: Yes, we’d love to go to your best friend’s dog grooming party.

OR

You: Honey, look at this. (You point to the newspaper.) There’s a great discussion on Wild Flowers happening on the Nature Walk trail this weekend.

Us: (We give YOU the LOOK)

You: (Ignore us) And?

Us: (Pause to see if you’ll cave in….you don’t…..) Sure, that sounds great. We’ll just take an extra Sudafed for our allergies.

OR FINALLY

You: I’ve got nothing to wear.

Us: What about all the clothes in your closet?

You: Those are all old and out of style. And they don’t fit. And they don’t look good anymore. And I don’t like them. And I want some new clothes.

Us: But..?

You: Will you come shopping with me? I need help.

Us: (Grinding our teeth quietly) Sure. Fine. Maybe we can go to the mall and eat at the Food Court?

You: The mall? Are you kiddin? I don’t want to go to the mall. Let’s go downtown.

Us: But aren’t those shops way more expensive?

You: So? What are you trying to say?

Us: Um, nothing……sounds great.

Us: (Thinking) Great, we can forget about the 72″ Flat screen.

But we also know the women in our lives compromise for us too. This is what we think you pretend to like. Or at least tolerate for us.

Going to our company BBQ.

Watching us come in last place in the Elks Lodge Bowling Tournament every year, while being stuck talking with “Marty,” the friendly host who smells like Cigars and Sardines.

Playing video games with us. Watching football. Going camping.

Having a little romp with us on a night you’re tired, even though you’d rather curl up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Glee.”

These examples are all mentioned in fun, but actually compromising CAN lead to new experiences and new knowledge. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to know about which Wild Flowers are edible and which aren’t. It might come in handy if we ever accompany Bear Grylls on a segment of “Man vs. Wild.” And knowing how to groom a Poodle might save us some serious money if we ever actually own a dog. But most importantly, compromise can lead to a better understanding of the other person, which leads to good will, and ultimately a stronger bond.

However we do have one slight problem. Although we understand compromise is important, we’re still not sure about the dance part. Although we’d secretly like to get better.

So when you bring up taking a dance class together, we “slow play” it, hoping if we pretend to not be that interested, we can get you to join the couples poker night we’ve been begging you to…….WOW!….Our bluff works! You agree. We’re now feeling a bit overconfident.  So we try to get one more raise from you.

Us: (Sweetly) Do think we can we get that flat screen TV now?

You: Don’t push it buddy!

No, you’re no fool. And that’s the real reason why we love you!

______________________________________________

What do you compromise for your partner? Why?

What do you think they compromise for you?

My daughter asked me today, “Why do dogs smell each other’s butts? (She pauses to ponder……) That’s weird.” (Commences to giggle)

I really didn’t have any great response to that. I mean she only just turned six. And to me it seems pretty self-explanatory. Or maybe I should say, self-exploratory. Or self-olfactory for that matter.

Either way, dogs, animals, people are into sniffing and smells. The olfactory sense may be the mightiest of all the senses; one that can transport you back in time faster than you can say…. I mean, smell, Cheese!

Growing up, my street was lined with huge maple trees that gave off a sweet aroma, especially during the hot summer nights. I didn’t realize it was actually the trees I was smelling, until I was walking in a quaint New England town a few years ago and stopped in my tracks. “What is that smell?” I said to my wife. She said, “I think it’s that tree” pointing to a huge maple tree. And sure enough, that’s exactly what it was. And at that moment, I closed my eyes and there I was, riding no-handed down my street, with a baseball card clicking in my spokes, feeling the wind and my freedom.

But smells tell us much more than that. They tell us if we’re attracted to someone; or if we’re compatible with them physically. That’s why many Guys don’t like it when a woman covers herself from head to foot with various forms of aerosol spray. This is just too confusing to most guys. And it makes any sort of “evaluation” difficult. OK, that sounded bad, but it’s true. Strange, unnatural scents are usually a sign that something is amiss. And that protective mechanism has been programmed  into us from the beginning, when we needed the ability to figure out which berries were safe to eat, the red ones or the orange ones.

So doesn’t it seem to make sense that we should adapt the ways of the dog? Doesn’t sniffing each other seem like a much easier way to figure out if you like someone? Forget first date jitters, second date apprehension and third date expectations, just take a sniff and get the answers you’re looking for. And wouldn’t it save us all from trying to make conversation, which can certainly be challenging at times.

But if you feel that sniffing before you know someone is a bit impolite, you could always ask first, although I’m not so sure how this would go over. “Excuse me, but would you mind if I just sniffed your butt? You know, just to see if we’re compatible?”

Yes, you might get a smack upside your head, but hey, that’s not the worst pick up line I’ve heard.

“One of The Guys”

What is your favorite sense? Why?

Do smells conjure up vivid memories?

What’s the worst pick up line you’ve used, or heard?

Do you think we should adapt the ways of the dog?

We read in a book somewhere that a person’s walk is the most distinguishable characteristic they have, even surpassing their face as the best way to identify them. We put it to the test and it’s absolutely true.

(This is a hypothetical “us”)

Us: Is that you Amanda?

Her: No, I’m Kelly.

Us: Really? You look just like Amanda?

Her: Well, I’m not.

Us: Well, just to be sure, could you walk a few steps so we can take a look?

Her: (Slaps us!)

Us: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Her: Get lost creep!

Us: OK, bye Amanda….uh… Kelly.

Maybe not the best method. It’s probably never a good idea to ask a women to take a stroll, so you can check out her backside….uh, we mean walk.

Guys are mesmerized by the way a woman moves. It might be the subtle brush of her hair as she turns her head and smiles shyly. It might be how she shifts her weight from side to side as she sips a drink, surveying a room. But most often it’s the way she walks that has our heads spinning.

Anytime a woman enters our line of vision no matter where we are, our first instinct is to stare. It’s true, even if we try so hard not to. It’s a reflex, like an automatic door that must open if someone walks up to it.  Tact, subtlety and dignity are abandoned and we forget ourselves completely!

Then we say stupid shit like:

“Hey Baby”

“You are so fine”

“Yowza”

The simple way a woman walks rattles our brain so completely that we lose whatever trace of intelligent vernacular and social etiquette we ever learned, replaced by grunts and other nonsensical utterances. Quite simply we become Cave Men.

Now imagine us at a dance club. Yikes!

Drinks and dancing are not the best combination for us. Seeing women moving on the dance floor sets our neurons into a complete frenzy. Talk about heightened senses! Every cell in our body is humming and vibrating, and it’s deafening and maddening and very difficult to control. How else do we account for our behavior when we approach a group of women on the dance floor?

The Dance Floor Scenario

A group of women is having a great time at a club, dancing, laughing and just enjoying themselves. Then some drunk fool(One of us) approaches and starts “dancing” with them. At least he thinks he’s dancing with them. Does he ask to join in? NO!! He just starts dancing nearby, doing some very strange gyrations and smiling with that wide eyed goofy grin. (You know the kind)

At first the women think it’s mildly amusing. OK, not really. Mostly they are annoyed that this guy is crashing their party. And he’s not even that cute. And his dancing?? If you could call it that. He looks more like he’s about to give birth.

Meanwhile his friends who are too chicken to approach are waiting to see what happens. They’re hoping they’ll be able to swoop in once their buddy breaks the ice. Or more likely breaks his face.

Pretty soon, the drunk dancer guy changes things up and tries to do some sort of sexy moves with his hips. The women shout, “Oh no, he’s about to give birth! Someone catch the baby!” But then no baby comes out. And instead he starts trying to saddle up behind the closest woman like a dog in heat.

Now the women are just grossed out, and start moving to the other end of the dance floor. But he follows, like a sheep dog herding his flock. Then all of a sudden his friends descend upon the floor, thinking  this is their moment! “OMG” the women say, “Get us out of here!” And they grab their bags and bolt, running in heels and skirts faster than any person ever thought possible! Another night of fun ruined.

How do we account for our COMPLETE misinterpretation of a woman’s body language!!?? We don’t. We have no idea what came over us. We were asleep in some trance, controlled by some puppeteer with a sick sense of humor. When we finally wake up we say, “Where are we? How did we get on the dance floor? We don’t even like to dance!”

Yes we love women for their intelligence, savvy, kindness and all the other things we’re supposed to say.

But really, the way you move means, you had us long before, “Hello.”

THE GUYS

Do you have any dance floor stories to share? Men and women??

For the men: Any other thoughts about the way women move?

For the women: What moves do guys have that might “paralyze” you?

From THE GUYS

Before we get to the topic at hand, we’d like to thank
AskCherlock and  One Crazy Brunette Chick for sending us such great pictures of themselves wearing THE GUYS. If you haven’t visited them at their sites, you absolutely should. Great stuff!

So let’s get to today’s topic.

We’ve had some fierce debate about this. Read the excerpt below and please give us your opinion. We need help figuring this out!!!

Transcribed from a conversation with a friend, who is talking about her first date.
(GP = Guy’s Perspective)

Friend: I got set up on a blind date recently.

GP: Oh really! How was it?

Friend: It was OK.

GP: Just OK? …..what, you weren’t attracted to him?

Friend: He was  decent looking.

GP: Hmm……..are you going to go out with him again?

Friend: Yeah, you know me. I’m willing to give people a second chance, but I’m not sure if I should.

GP: Well let’s get the blow by blow…..(You know what we mean!)

Friend: OK, so tell me what you think….(Pause. Takes a breath and starts giving a quick summary of the date) So we’re having breakfast. The conversation was OK, but kind of stiff. It didn’t seem like we had much in common, but he was reasonably cool. Well, that is, until we were about to leave.

GP: What happened?

Friend: So we’re getting ready to leave and he says, “Can I get this to go?”

GP: OK? And?

Friend: It was French Toast for god’s sake! One piece of freakin’ French Toast!!!!

(She laughs out loud)

GP: (After Pause) So that’s a bit odd. But are you saying that’s a deal breaker?

Friend: Pretty much. Shouldn’t it be?

GP: Hmm. Should it be? Maybe. Probably. Not sure.

Friend: I don’t know either. Something just seems wrong about it.  Of course Alison(her daughter) thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous. She was yelling at me over the phone and lecturing me about how I’m too picky.

GP: OK, so let’s look at this. Thinking about it from a very practical standpoint it doesn’t seem so bad. But giving it more thought, it’s just plain odd. What guy in their right mind asks to take home one piece of French Toast on a first date??!! That’s the problem. If he doesn’t understand that it COULD be interpreted as strange, then what the hell else doesn’t he get?

Friend: It “weirds” me out for some reason, but I am going to go out with him again.

GP: Good luck with that.

So what do you think dear readers? Is “French Toast To Go” a deal breaker on the first date?

ps. The second date was a total flop. Can anyone say, “Eggs to go.”

Today is part two of our miniseries, where we not only stroll down memory lane, but also give props to many of the sites we’ve grown to love over this past  year. These Blogs in particular, focus on dating, relationships and other related topics such as self-esteem self-actualization and self-motivation. Hope you’ll explore and enjoy them.

Part three will be coming soon.

From: “One of The Guys”

Where I went to school, there were only two proms; a junior high prom (7th-9th grade) and a senior prom. Expectations were huge for both proms, but I can only speak for the guys. It was the night where we hoped inhibitions might be cast aside, at least for one special night, and maybe we’d somehow convince our date, usually our girlfriend, to go where she had never gone before.

But it wasn’t like that for me. Far from it.

In 9th grade I started dating a very nice girl probably around May. So it was a “no brainer” that I would be going with her to the Prom……Well, ah.., NO!! She had already committed to a friend of hers, not a boyfriend, and she felt that she should keep that commitment. She was a lot more mature that most of the people at the school and she probably did the right thing, but not necessarily something that most 9th graders would have done. And to me, it was a drag.

So I ended up going with a close friend of mine who also didn’t have a date and we had a good time. But it was awkward seeing my girlfriend dancing to “Stairway to Heaven” and “Freebird” with another guy. And the night, while fun, never turned into that magical night that I had dreamed about.

My junior year in high school I started dating a senior in the spring. I have no idea why she liked me because her previous boyfriend had been the captain of the football team, but she did. So we started dating.

At this point, I was still pretty green, but she wasn’t, which made the whole thing even more baffling to me. I was like a human playing with a vampire, which honestly scared the crap out of me, even though I liked it too.  We were still together in June, so she asked me to go to the senior prom. Wow! All THE GUYS thought I was THE MAN! (If they only knew.)

Once again the anticipation grew and grew. However, I wasn’t steering this ship. It was clear she was in charge, picking the color of my tux,  the restaurant we ate at and the after hour party we attended. I was like a stick adrift on a river, just merrily floating to and fro. But this is where it gets blurry for me. Somehow the night just went from bad to worse and we ended up breaking up. Seriously!! We broke up on Prom night! And looking back on it, I’m sure she was still in love with this former captain of the football team who had arrived home from college the week before. I found out later, he had been wooing her since he arrived. Who could resist, right? (Sarcasm)

But I rebounded fast  from that traumatic evening. And of course, I still had my senior prom to go to. That was going to be great!

Well the spring came around and I was single, having broken up with a girl in February. But as luck would have it, I started dating a great girl in May and now I had a date. Phew, close one!!

Ahhh….NO!!!…………Deja vu……my girlfriend had already committed to going with someone else and once again she felt she should honor that commitment. What is up with these girls!!!???

So now I had no date………Well…….. (And you’re gonna love this)

My 9th grade prom date, as I mentioned before had moved away to Texas in 10th grade. However, she kept in touch with a lot of people from our high school still, and her girlfriends told me she would be back in town during our prom. They said I should ask her because she would love to go. And since I didn’t have a date, I thought it sounded like a good idea.

I don’t need to go into details. We had fun. And I was glad I went. But really, let’s be honest. I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy on the planet that this happened to…….. TWICE!

We’d love to hear about your prom expectations and experiences!
Please share!

And take some time to browse through some of these great sites.

Adventures of Starting Over

Date Girl Diaries

Beaming Balance

I Should a Been a Stripper

Luvem or Leavem

The Lola Vibe

Kelly Seal

It’s all a matter of Perspective

Love Skeptic

LionSlinger

Naughtie Scribe

Self-Esteem Blog for Women

Symphony of Love

Self-Help Wellness

The Life of Annie

Without Dash

Advice Goddess

Chaotically Calm

The Blogess

At My Soiree

Next Post: In our third installment of this miniseries we’ll be covering…..well, it will be a surprise…..and of course we’ll be highlighting our last group of great sites.

This post is not about kids. It’s about what motivates people, and in particular, GUYS! But I have to set the table for you. So pretend you’re at a party and people start talking about their kids. Inside you’re rolling your eyes, because nothing could be more boring than hearing people go on and on about their kids. Even the people who HAVE kids can’t stand it. So bear with me here. I’ll unfold this quickly.

I was at a party last night with some of the GUYS. A few of us were discussing our kids’ obsession with the Wii. (For those of you living in a cave for the last five years, the Wii is a gaming system that has swept through every household containing one or more small beings.) Anyway, I was saying that I use the Wii as a carrot, to get my kids to do all the things I want them to do. Now let’s be clear, I can get them to do all of those things without the Wii, but it eliminates the freakin’ whining, complaining, crying, whimpering and any other “ing” word you can think of.

This method of parenting is not in any book about raising children. BUT, we all know that theory is much different than practice. I can guarantee that every parent with the means has used the TV at least once, as a way to get their kids to stop screaming, running, yelling or beating on each other. (There’s those “ing” words again!) And more importantly, give themselves a much needed BREAK!!! That’s not written in any of the books either, but when you’re in the trenches, you do what you need to do to survive.  All in moderation.

Anyway, like I said, this post is not about kids.

So I’m at the party and I’m “reading” the room. I could have filled a glass with all the water coming out of people’s eyes during that discussion about the Wii. So in order to save the night I open my big mouth and say, “This is exactly the same as when GUYS are hungry for sex.”

Silence……uh oh……I did it again…..crickets……..uncomfortable body movements…….then one slight smile……another……..one head bob in agreement…….then more crickets……a few look aways…….no more signs of  approval ……damn…….still nothing………..shit, I ruined the party……..my wife is going to kill me……..we’ll argue……but who cares……….the make up sex will be great………oh god………..take me away Calgon……….finally someone chimes in……….I’m saved……. (note to self, KILL other GUYS)

“Exactly,” I hear this person say. I don’t know him. He’s not one of THE GUYS, but I immediately love him and want to buy him a gift certificate to his place of choice. Or give him a big guy hug. (See previous post for explanation on why I didn’t go that route.)

I look around at some of THE GUYS, with that look that says, “WTF DUDE! WHAT…you don’t got my back?”

Then finally one of  THE GUYS says, “When I want sex, my wife could basically ask me to do anything and I’d do it. Take out the trash. Clean the dishes. Put the kids to bed. Take out the neighbor’s trash. Go to the pharmacy to pick up a late night prescription. Promise to visit her folks next weekend. Take out the other neighbor’s trash.”

His wife is in the bathroom. I make a mental note to tell her everything. I don’t like to get left high and dry. (Seems like an appropriate metaphor for the topic at hand.) Payback will be sweet. Although, like he said, he won’t care because men are in an altered state when the hormones are raging and their bodies are churning inside. When this happens, GUYS can be controlled by any remote available. Easily programmed and then easily manipulated by any button our partner wants to push.

This is no secret!!

It’s just something people don’t bring up at parties. Well, most people that is. But hey, somebody had to save the night, and it might as well been, “ONE of THE GUYS.”

So what am I saying? I’m not saying what you think I’m saying. It’s never a good thing to make it obvious you’re controlling someone. So be subtle about it. We don’t do well if we know that you know. So just be coy about it, and we’ll pretty much do what you want.

So mommies… Let your kids play the Wii. It is pretty cool. And it might be a good time to get reacquainted with your hubby. That is after he takes a shower. That’s a lot of garbage to be taking out.

A special post from THE GUYS (Twitter: @TGPBuzz)

How can a man be a nice guy and at the same time, a total Dog?

This question seems to be a source of confusion and dismay among women across the world. So today we’d like to expound upon this principle and hopefully shed some light on this perplexing duality.

Dogs are born, bred and raised by man. They come with sharp teeth, a vicious bark and an aggressive streak. But they are also fiercely loyal, lovable and playful. They are the only animal on the planet that come with such an interesting blend of opposites. It’s not surprising, since they were trained by man to exist in his own likeness.

But although men possess many of the qualities of our canine brethren, they do not in fact walk on four legs. We walk upright and prefer to keep it that way. Our upright nature puts us at the top of the food chain and makes us the king of the predators, because now our other limbs are free to perform other useful purposes, like itching ourselves, playing cards, gesticulating at the TV, and grabbing at our female counterparts. It’s amazing that we’re not actually extinct!

However, we have another side to us that somehow makes us palatable to the opposite gender. This is where our protective loyalty comes into play. Supporting our family and looking after our own is deeply embedded in our genes. That’s who we are from day one. A squirmy, purple looking, ball of fat—fierce and loyal; precisely like a cute puppy.

So how can all this goodness live next door to all this aggression?

It’s just as unclear to us. It comes from somewhere, but where, we have no idea. Some call it hormones, some call it the devil, some say it hangs just below our abdomen, but whatever it is or wherever it may reside, it seems to have a mind of it’s own.

Example: Things are going great with our girlfriend. She’s so cool, smart, pretty and easy to hang with. What could be better? One day we’re walking down the street, happy as a clam and then we see “That Girl!” Our bodies start buzzing, our minds go blank and all of a sudden something isn’t quite right. How is this possible? Nothing’s really changed AND everything has changed. Why is this other person so mesmerizing, so alluring, so dynamic? And why does her mere presence shake the very foundation of what we care about?

We’re confused about this too, so we talk about it amongst ourselves. Yes, you heard that right, WE TALK!! And we ask each other questions like these:

What does this mean? Does this happen to you? Do you like it? Don’t like it? What should I do about it? Should I do anything about it? Is it real? Is it fantasy? I just don’t get it!!!

We ask these questions because we care about the people we love and don’t want to mess things up. We also realize that it’s unlikely those physical reactions have anything to do with love. But it takes us time. THE GUYS at The Guy’s Perspective have each other to ponder these thoughts, but many guys don’t have anyone to talk to, or they don’t even realize that they should be discussing this with other guys, so they follow their “small brain” around and basically ruin everything they have.

But, let’s not jump off the deep end here. We can be trained. In fact, somewhere deep down we want to be trained, or rather TAMED. Why? Because it’s not always fun to feel pulled by this invisible force, and to have little things like other women, cause us to question ourselves and what we have. We constantly hope, we can get this power under control, so we can enjoy our lives with the people who are in them presently.

Here are some basic rules to understand:

1. When we say we love you, we do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to sleep with…….well……you get the idea.

2. Yes, we seek to conquer. But it’s not just about the conquest as many think. At some point we actually do want to keep the “prize.” Of course each guy is different in this respect.

3. We do talk, but we’re egocentric creatures. We think we’re the only ones who’ve ever felt a certain way, done a certain thing, or thought of a particular idea. etc. That’s why teenage boys tell their dads they don’t know “jack” about sex or love. Hmm….and the dads say, “I wonder how you got here, you little….(fill in).” Our point is we think we know more than we do.

4. We travel in packs, but we’d prefer to “hunt” alone. So the guy you see at the bar by himself is not necessarily a lonely loser. He could actually be smarter than the rest and realize there’s a lot less competition when there’s no competition.

5. We ARE able to commit. If your man says he needs more time it’s because he’s unsure of you. If might be best to just let him sniff around some more without you. You’ll be better off.

The last thing we have to say about all of this is:

Don’t give up on us, but at the same time, it’s unlikely we’ll ever change.

Now figure that out!!! And when you do, let us know. We would like to be enlightened.

THE GUYS

PS….we’re hungry. Can someone throw us a bone please! Join us on Twitter for more insights into the male mind. @TGPBuzz

I may have written about this before, but here goes again. The pressure is mounting. It’s 2010, the kids are one year older….can’t use that excuse anymore….and everyone but me wants a dog.

I tried selling them on fish or a hamster or maybe even a rat. I hear they’re in vogue these days. But they’ll have none of it. It’s a dog or nothing.

Actually I like dogs. I grew up with one. She was smart, cuddly, fun and I played with her a ton. But let’s face it, I didn’t really have to take care of her, and neither did my brother or sister. My mom pretty much did everything.

In my current situation, since I’m home more days than my wife, it will be me, picking up poop, walking the dog and tending to her needs. I can barely take care of myself and the kids…and sometimes my wife, how can I handle another mouth to feed and another butt to wipe!! Well hopefully I won’t have to wipe her butt, but you get my meaning.

The other thing is, these four legged beings are damn expensive! I know how pricey those vet bills can be. What am I going to say? “Sorry kids,  we just can’t fix “Fido’s” leg. Too expensive. She’ll just have to limp the rest of her life.” I’ll be whipped and chained and hung up over the fireplace if I take that stance. So what’s a poor guy to do? Help!!!???

So, I guess this is it. Hmmm…..

But there is a solution to this whole dilemma. Here’s how it’s going to go.

Me (To my family): Just throw me a bone and maybe I’ll go along with it.

My wife: So what do you want?

Me: I want to name her.

The kids: NO!!!!!

Me: I name her, or no dog.

Everyone(After a LONG pause): Fine.

Me: So I’m going to name her “Peeve!” (Pause) That’s right you heard me, “Peeve!”

Everyone: What??!! What kind of a name is that? That’s lame!

Me: No it’s not.  That way when my friends come over and they say, “What’s your dog’s name?”  I can say, “This is my pet Peeve.”

Everyone: Ahhh!!! 

And you know what, that just might be worth the extra mouth to feed.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

Neediness is not the most attractive quality. Women especially, seem to run as far and as fast as they can when the smell it on a guy. And I certainly can’t blame them. Neediness smacks of desperation.

Of course this is harsh and not always true. Neediness comes and goes. And it changes through the course of any relationship. Every person has moments of neediness and that’s certainly normal. Like,  “Please tell me you still love me even though you are texting your new personal trainer every night about your workouts!” And, “If you would you just tell me you still find me attractive occasionally, I’ll stop pestering you about how fat I look!”

But even then, when it seems perfectly reasonable, no one likes it. It’s like a fly that keeps bombarding you while you’re on a peaceful walk. It ruins everything.

So I’ve been feeling needy lately. Not for the reasons mentioned above. It’s because I’ve been sick for a while. First a fever, then this cough that keeps getting worse. Then that finally subsides and the fever comes back. Then I get a sinus infection, take some medicine for it and my stomach turns inside out. It’s been one thing after the next! I guess that’s how it goes.

I actually don’t get sick much, but when I do I’m a baby. I hate being sick. Even when my fever is only 99.5 I feel like total crap. My kids could have a 102 degree temp and they run around like it’s their birthday. Me, I just can’t function at all.

Anyway, I guess my wife senses my neediness and I can tell it annoys her. She does her best to be sympathetic but it’s clear my neediness is certainly NOT why she married me. Fine, I get it.

But my doctor’s office! That’s another story.

I called to make an appointment. They didn’t even call me back. I had to call back twice just to make an appointment. What,… are guys not allowed to be sick until they turn 55 or something? I mean c’mon. I know about racism and sexism, but until now I had never heard of Desperationism. I mean isn’t that against the law or something?

So I’ve learned a valuable lesson these last few weeks. The next time I’m feeling vulnerable, sensitive, sick or just queasy, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be the best way to get what you want.

Was it with the strong, silent type? They never go out of style.

DAMN THEM!!

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I love going to the bank in my town. The obvious reason is, it makes me happy to deposit money. But the behind the scenes reason is, the young women working there are very friendly and quite cute. After I leave, my day is just a little better.

I don’t keep secrets from my wife. Even if I tried, I’m terrible at deception. She thinks my bank forays are funny. She rolls her eyes when I say I’m going to do errands. She knows this includes a visit to my favorite brick and mortar institution. But she also knows I’m invisible to the young cuties. I know this too. No matter how cool I try to be, I still drive up to the drive thru in my silver mini van. Yes, I’m invisible.

Just yesterday I was there and one of the “girls” was eating something. I asked her how her lunch was. She laughed.

She said, “We’re short staffed today so we don’t get lunch. I have to eat while I work.”

I said, “Well that’s a drag.” (This is me trying to be cool)

She said, “Yeah, but at least it was free. The manager of the Chinese place across the street is a customer and he brought over lunch for all of us.”

I said, “Sweet.” (Me still trying to work the coolness)

She said, “Have a nice day.”

As I drove off, I started thinking about how unfair that was. I mean she shouldn’t lose her lunch just because they’re short staffed. That seemed pretty lame. Then it dawned on me. This is perfect. I love this. This is going to be my new catch phrase. Short staffed.

When my kids come from school demanding a snack or dinner I’m going to say, “Sorry, we’re a bit short staffed today. You’ll have to fend for yourselves.”

Or when my wife asks me to go grocery shopping I’m going to say, “Yeah, that’s going to be tough. You know, short staffed and all.”

I mean is this perfect or what?!!! I love this. This works in any situation:

For the neighbor who bugs you about your leaves blowing on their lawn.
For the friend who wants you to help him with his computer.
For your mother that wonders why you don’t call her every day.
For THE GUYS who bug ME about responding to questions.

It’s the perfect saying for all occasions. And I give all of you permission to use it whenever it suits you. Just give me and THE GUYS credit when appropriate.

However, GUYS, please don’t be unclear on the concept.

If your girlfriend or wife or partner is feeling a bit randy and wants to get busy, but you’re not feeling it at the moment, that is not the time to say:

“I’m a bit short staffed.”

“ONE of THE GUYS”

I was over at Momversation earlier today and one of the Blog posts was about what to get your Guy for the holidays. I then saw a list of very cool gadgets and man toys that seemed like a lot of fun. But ladies seriously, that’s not what we want. So I felt it my duty to tell you what we really hope to get  for the holidays.

But let’s first discuss why toys and gadgets aren’t a guy’s first choice. Two simple words will give you the answer to this question: Time and Money.

Money:
It’s difficult to buy us a great gift without us feeling like we’re paying for it ourselves. We feel this way even if we share all the monetary responsibilities with our partner. We still see the item on the next credit card bill, which causes us much stress. Knowing that our present comes from the same kitty that pays the mortgage, the household bills and the kids’ college fund takes most of the fun out of it for us. Money is tight these days, so we can do without that cool watch or new video game or engraved knife or slick pair of shoes.

Time:
Even if we love the gift, often we don’t have time to use it or play with it. We’re usually working. And if we’re not working we want to spend time with the kids and see you. So in theory a new toy is great, but in reality it will likely get a brief work out, only to sit idle for the next fifty one weeks of the year.

But THE GUYS and I do have a solution for all of this.

And this should be obvious, but sometimes it just isn’t.

We want YOU for the holidays!!!

Yes, that’s right. A special night or nights with you. Or even a special day. One we don’t have to BEG for.

No kids. No interruptions.

This doesn’t mean you have to fulfill our every fantasy. But if you’re giving that away too, we’ll take it.

So what can you actually wrap up?

I’ll leave that up to your festive imagination. THE GUYS and I know you are infinitely more creative than we are, so dream something up. Surprise us. We’re pretty easy!

So when you ask your man what he wants for the holidays he might tell you this item or that, but he’s really just thinking, YOU!

We discussed Magic in our previous post. Well this is certainly one way of keeping the Magic alive!

Guys and Gals: Do you have any great ideas to share? Please enlighten us and our readers.

PS. You can always check out our new Merchandise on our website. There might be an item your guy would enjoy seeing you in.

The stuff is great quality, so we’ve been told by people who’ve actually purchased them. Just an FYI!!

Driving to my in-laws house over Thanksgiving is no fun. Once I’m there, it’s great, but the traffic going down is hell. Not nail biting hell, just annoying as hell.

Imagine this. Three lane highway. All three lanes full of traffic. For miles.

So I’m driving on one major highway and I need to get in the right lane to merge on to another highway. I assess the situation and I know I’m confronted with three choices. (Remember these choices. They will come into play later!)

Choice 1: Merge as soon as I can, which would put me in the right lane about a mile back from the exit.

Choice 2: Move over somewhere around the half mile mark, hopefully in front of a truck that’s left some space in front of it.

Choice 3: Speed in the middle lane and cut in as close to the exit as possible.

I won’t lie to you, the first choice just isn’t me.  I’m not patient enough when I drive. I should be. It would be better for my health that’s for sure! But although I’m generally a kind enough soul, I have an aggressive streak that occasionally comes out on the road.  Where I live, it’s eat or be eaten. I try to eat.

So as I’m driving down for Thanksgiving, to my surprise and my wife’s, I pull over about the 3/4 mile mark. She just looks at me. She likes driving…grew up with cars…her dad, brother. They all know about cars. I know nothing, but at least I drive like them.

I say to her, “What?!!”

She says, “Do you need to get your testosterone levels checked?”

I say, “I just didn’t feel like being an ass……..”

She says, “Oh really.”

I say, “Yeah. I just can’t stomach it anymore.”

She nods. I nod. We drive.

After arriving at our destination and decompressing for a bit, I was talking to her brother and telling the story I just relayed to all of you. We were laughing about it saying it was the perfect “Guy Barometer.” Each choice gives a woman a pretty good indication of whom she’s dealing with. And no choice is better than the other, just different.

(Keep in mind that these are generalizations. Individuals may vary!)

Choice 1/The Early Merger: Likely to be kind, patient. An all around good guy. Might be boring. Methodical. Possibly a handyman. Book smart. Slow moving…..apply that how you want. Responsible.

Choice 3/The Last Minute Cutter: Aggressive and proud of it. Not patient. Goes for it. Probably has money. Could be a good guy, but also could be a total, you know what! Not handy, but handsy. Street smart. Fast moving…..apply how you want. Risk Taker.

Choice 2: Any combination of above. But he might be worried about what other’s think too much, including you.  However, he could also be a mystery worth unraveling.

So here’s what we’re suggesting. Give your man the driving test!!

It’s often hard to tell after a few dates what your new man is really like. So go for a drive during rush hour or some other crazy time to be on the road and watch what happens. Watch him while he’s sitting, moving and most importantly merging to get off an exit.

You will learn more from from that drive than you will from any advice book you’ll ever read.

So give it a try and please report back. THE GUYS and I want to know.

“ONE of THE GUYS”

ps. Please share any of your traffic or road experiences with us, as they may or may not relate to your relationship. We’d love to hear from you.

This is episode #4 of the second season of “Bob the Vegan.”

Read the first three episodes to get caught up.

Speed Dating

The New Job

The Boss

Episode 4: The Handyman

Bob is meeting up with Dan and George.

Bob: Hey Dan, nice to see you.

Dan: Nice to see you too. (They do the man hug)

Bob: Ever since you moved in with Victoria it’s been radio silence.

Dan: I know, I’m sorry man. It’s just, she’s keeping me busy. She’s such a freak!

Bob: I’m assuming, that’s “freak,” as in Freaky!

Dan: You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Bob: You’re right, and I don’t want to know.

Dan: Suit yourself……..hey, I thought George was coming too.

Bob: He said, he’d be here, so I’m sure he’s just running late. You know he started his own business as a handyman?

Dan: Really!?? I didn’t know! So cool! Hopefully that will keep him busy. It’s sad about Amy and him breaking up.What’s the latest on that?

Bob: It looks like the divorce is going to go through in a month. He’s pretty bummed, so don’t bring it up. I want to have fun tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve had a guy’s night!

Dan: Here he comes now……Yo, George!

George: Hey guys, sorry I’m late.

Dan: Hey old buddy, it’s been too long.

George: Way too long!

(They do the man hug too. Bob as well)

Dan: So George, how’s the new job. I didn’t know you were a handyman now. In fact I didn’t know you could fix anything??

George: Yeah, I learned from my Grandpa. He was a handyman too. It’s fun. But I’ve got to tell you what’s been happening.

Bob: What do you mean?

George: Let’s get a beer first and I’ll tell you about it.

They order. The drinks arrive.

Bob: So what’s going on?

George: OK. So I’ve gotten a few small jobs  in town. The usual stuff. You know, painting, hammering, etc. Well anyway, I get this call to do a job in the Heights. You know, the ritzy, snooty suburb about twenty minutes west of town.

Dan: Yawn.

George: What?

Dan: Is this going to be some lame work story?

George: Will you please chill and listen!

Dan: Fine.

Bob: And??

George: So I show up at this big ass house. A woman answers the door. She was probably in her early 50s. Very nice. Great shape.  Apparently her sink was clogged or something.

Bob: Her sink’s clogged?

George: Yeah.

Dan: Hmm…..this is getting more interesting.

George: No, it wasn’t like that. Her ACTUAL sink was clogged. So I’m working and she’s chatting away. Recently divorced. Her ex was a businessman. Traveled a ton and cheated on her in every state. So I’m nodding along, but by now I’m really just trying to fix the sink so I can get out of there. The conversation is starting to make me a bit nervous. So I finish up and start to pack up my things when she says she almost forgot that her washing machine has been acting up and would I mind taking a look at it. She says she’ll pay me for my time. So I say fine.

Bob: OK, I’m nervous to know what’s coming.

Dan: I’m not. This is better than I thought.

George: ANYWAY……so we head down in the basement and we go into this small room where the washer and dryer are. She says, that it’s not spinning properly or something like that. So I put down my tools and I’m looking inside the washer for a minute. When I turn around to get a tool to tighten a screw, she’s completely naked.

Bob: WHAT!!!

Dan: I knew it!

George: It’s even better. She comes over and leans against me and says she’ll pay me whatever I want.

Bob: Are you serious?

George: Yep.

Dan: Nice!

Bob: So what did you do?

George: What did you think I did?

Bob: I hope you you thanked her for the offer and got the hell out of there.

Dan: Are you nuts Bob!! Please tell me you took her up on her offer George!

George: You damn right! I hoisted her right up on the washing machine. I guess it was never broken, because she turned it on while we were doing it. Seemed to make her go crazy! And I wasn’t arguing.

Bob: You are crazy.

George: No, I’m not. And still I haven’t gotten to the best part.

Dan: What?? What??

George: She paid me five bills for my time.

Bob: Five hundred dollars!!!

George: Well, I did fix the sink. And technically the washer too.

Dan: Wait, let me get this straight. You were there for what, two hours. You did a little work and got laid. And on top of that you got paid half a grand?

George: All true.

Dan: SWEET!!!!! High five my man! (They slap hands)

Bob: So now you’re a gigolo?

George: Oh c’mon Bob. No harm, no foul. She was happy as hell. I was happy as hell. She’s loaded. I’m broke. What’s wrong with that?

Bob: You had sex for money! That’s what’s wrong. And you took advantage of a poor divorced woman.

George: Bob, you need to stop being such a goody, goody boy, or we’re going to kick you out of the sewing circle.

Bob: Fine, but this is trouble in the making.

Dan: Bob, I see no harm in this. George had some fun. And he made some serious coin doing it. So I say, good for you George!….. When are you going back?

George: And now for the best part. I’ve been going every Thursday for the last three weeks!  I do some chores around her house and then we go at it. She loves doing it in whatever part of the house I’m working in. I guess the smell of construction and sweat makes her horny.

Bob: Nothing good is going to come of this.

Dan: Oh lighten up Bob, it’s all good. This is exactly what George needs. Let’s have another beer! Maybe talking about work isn’t so bad.

George: So Bob, how’s the coffee shop?

Bob: Don’t even go there.

Bob and Torrie at Bob's house.

Bob: So what do you mean you're not getting your needs met? That sounds kind of ominous.

Torrie: No, I don't mean like that.

Bob: Well, what do you mean?

Torrie: First of all you're never available anymore. And when you are, we never go out!!

Bob: Torrie, I have a new job that I like. I'm lucky to have one in this economy, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it.

Torrie: I thought you were a vegan. How can you work in a coffee shop?

Bob: Vegans can drink coffee, they just can't put milk in it.

Torrie: Well what about the sandwiches you serve? Those aren't vegan. Doesn't that bother you?

Bob: Well we also offer sandwiches that are vegan. I'm trying to make the place as progressive as possible. The owner really likes the direction I'm taking it and he says business has never been better.

Torrie: Well, I'd watch him as well. He's after you too.

Bob: What are you talking about? Thomas isn't gay.

Torrie: Oh please, he's totally gay.

Bob: How do you know?

Torrie: How do I know? I'll give you three examples. One: He calls himself Thomas instead of Tom. Two: I know for a fact he prefers a bath over a shower. Three: He has a membership to Remy's Gym. And you know the rumors about that place.

Bob: How do you know all this stuff?

Torrie: Well, I, um…….

Bob: Torrie????

Torrie: OK fine, I've been following him.

Bob: What!!! You've been following him?

Torrie: Yeah, I've been following him.

Bob: I can't believe this. Really? Why?

Torrie: Please, I've seen the way he looks at you. I wanted to find out if my suspicions were true.

Bob: Wow, I'm shocked.

Torrie: Well, it seems like you've got a bunch of admirers over there.

Bob: Torrie, it's just that one customer and he's totally harmless. Not Thomas. And even if Thomas is gay, he's totally professional and totally cool. I like him. He's become a friend.

Torrie: Yeah right. A friend with benefits.

Bob: Is that what this is all about? When you say you're not getting your needs met that's really just you being jealous?? Over my boss? Who's a guy? Even though you know I love you. (Pause) You know what, I'm beginning to wonder.

Torrie: Oh you are??!! Well, I'll have you know that I've got a lot of admirers too.

Bob: I bet you do.

Torrie: Yes I do. You'd be surprised at how many guys take my Step Class.

Bob: Well that's news to me. Are you threatening me?

Torrie: Nope, I'm just saying I have admirers too.

Bob: That sounds like a threat. I thought we were well beyond this kind of interaction. I'm sorry I haven't been around much or paying that much attention to you, but I'm trying hard to focus on myself and my career. It's exciting, don't you understand that?

Torrie: Yes, but there has to be a balance.

Bob: Yes, but balance is created over a long period of time. I agree, it's a little out of whack right now. But that's how things work. You've been talking about going back to school. Well if you do, you'll be extremely busy and that's the way it will be. You'll have no choice and you'll expect me to be supportive. Well, that's what I'm expecting, or I should say, hoping, you'll be now. (Pause) But please, don't threaten me. That's just not good for our relationship. And it doesn't work for me at all. (pause) (Sighs) Even though I'm pretty pissed, I will say to you that you don't have anything to worry about with my boss, any guy or any other girl for that matter. So enough already. Don't you trust me?

Torrie: You're right. Damn, I just get so worked up. I'm sorry Bob. I do trust you, more than anyone I've ever been with, but you know how I am with trust in general.

Bob: We can work on that together, but you need to work on that by yourself too. Maybe there's someone you could talk to?

Torrie: You mean a therapist?

Bob: Maybe. I mean anyone. Sometimes it's good to get another opinion and some objective insight.
It's something to think about.

Torrie: OK. I will think about it. But for now, how about helping me with some of my other needs?

Bob: Sounds good to me. Come here you! I do have one need in particular that requires your special attention.

Torrie: Yum!!! I'm glad I'm not a vegan.

From, "ONE of THE GUYS"

When my wife asked me the other day, "Why are you wearing that ratty shirt again?" my response was,
"We can't afford for ALL of us to look good."

That seemed sufficient enough to keep her quiet, at least for a bit. I wasn't threatening, just being honest. And I think she understood the implication. If you and the kids want to keep getting new clothes whenever you need them, get off my back! The only thing "on my back" should be this ratty shirt.

So why do guys wear old raggedy clothes? 

Sure, sometimes it's a matter of economics, but most of the time it's because we don't care. Dressing up for work is one thing, but putting a ton of effort into dressing for a weekend day is just beyond us. We would be happy wearing the same thing every day. And yes, that includes the WHOLE outfit. Outer wear and inner wear.

NO…….

We're not slobs.
We shower.(Semi-regularly)
We shave.(Five times a week. OK, maybe four.)
We brush our hair. (What we have left.)

But clothes, well it's just not that important anymore. Back in the day, my clothes made a statement about ME. This is who I am. This is my style. I'm unique and different. That was all well and good, but frankly it never really worked. Why? Because I am truly "ONE of THE GUYS." I realized that my identity was more about who I was, how I treated others, AND my interests, rather than my style of clothes.

So basically I have no style when it comes to clothes. I seek anonymity because I WANT to BLEND.

First impressions happen the moment someone glances at you. I am no exception to this rule. I see a GUY dressed in pink and I think one thing.(Reference to a previous article on "Guys and Pink" we did.) If I see a GUY dressed in a suit, I think something else. If it's a pink suit, that's a whole other story.

My point is that, I want my gestures and intentions and opinions to tell my story. And I hope that people will be able really see ME, and not my outfit. If I blend, the rest of the world is forced to investigate more thoroughly. And then they can decide whether or not they want to have a conversation with me.

But there is one thing that any woman reading this may not realize. We actually dress this way for you. Now you're thinking, that doesn't make sense? That is contradictory!! Well actually it's not. Think about this the next time you want to tell your guy to change his clothes…..

Who wouldn't shine next to a guy in a ratty shirt?!!

THE GUYS

PS. Where do you stand with clothes these days? How do you feel about a GUY in a ratty shirt? What sort of style do you prefer for yourself and/or your partner?

THE GUYS were just visiting our good buddy Bluzdude and we read a very funny post about his experience with his two nephews. For a good laugh, be sure to check it out!!

But as his day with his nephews gave him new insight on what it’s like to be a parent and how difficult it is to be in the trenches day in and day out, it also got us thinking…..about marriage and partnerships.

Divorce impacts many couples. The sanctity of marriage seems to be a tenuous bond these days, easily broken by the many temptations life holds: other men, other women, more excitement, more free time, more money……the list goes on.

So what makes the bond between people strong? Well sure, LOVE. We hope that would be reason number one. And what else? Loyalty, responsibility, friendship, kids? Sure, these would all be good reasons.

But we’d like to give five reasons that maybe you hadn’t thought of. These
are moments that are NEVER, EVER spoken about, but happen in every home around the world. These are moments that bring us together in ways we never thought possible. These are true bonding experiences!

Bonding experience #1:

When couples first start dating it’s all clean and nice. They do everything they can to show their new found love, perfection…..which means pretty much keeping their “human-ness” a secret. What are we talking about? Yes, that’s right, bodily functions.
We’ve all been at dinner, a party or in the bedroom with that
horrifying urge to you know…..pass gas. But we would never dare! Not this early on in the relationship. So instead we endure hours of intense stomach pain to not give away the secret. What secret? “That we’re human!!” That’s all well and good, but in order to really move ahead in the relationship, one of the parties MUST take the leap and “deal” one.

Once that seal is broken a new bond is formed, and the relationship often catapults forward to a new level.

Bonding experience #2:

If you’ve gotten past the first stage you’re doing well. Now you may be spending a considerable amount of time with your new love and that might include sleep overs and extended time at his or her apartment.
This comes with its own unique set of challenges. One challenge high on the list, is the bathroom situation. Now you have to use the SAME bathroom. Your first instinct is to hold it, just like sleep away camp with outdoor latrines, and spiders as big as baseball gloves!  But eventually you have no choice.
First BMs(Bowel Movements) are met with embarrassed smiles, or little jokes, but that facade is just too difficult to maintain. So you have no choice but to do what you normally do. “GO!” This is the second test in the relationship. When you realize it’s not all roses, or that it doesn’t all smell like roses, and you don’t even care, you’ve now jumped your next big hurdle. From here the possibilities are endless.

Bonding Experience #3:

So things progress well and now you’re married and pregnant. Well GUYS you may want to skip this paragraph if your stomach is weak. Anyone who’s ever been part of a delivery, knows it’s not pretty, at least up until the baby part. And even that isn’t always pretty. But in any birth, anything goes. We’re talking every kind of bodily fluid imaginable. And yes GUYS, even poop. And we’re not talking from the babies.
Talk about a deep bonding experience. If a GUY can wipe that image from his mind and still see his wife as that sexy kitten he married, good for him. (Of course THE GUYS would say, our wives are even sexier AFTER giving birth, but that’s us.) And if a woman can still look her husband in the eye without feeling self-conscious that he’s seen it ALL, then intimacy will go to a whole new level!

Bonding experience #4:

And of course the obvious continuation with this is kids. What comes with those little buggers is messy diapers, poop in the pants and bodily fluids everywhere. These are not tasks meant for one person. It’s a tag team event for sure. The act of cleaning up every “episode” is enough to solidify a relationship for life. Each person gains a whole new level of respect and appreciation when sharing some of the dirtiest tasks known to man, AND woman.

Bonding experience #5:

We’d like to make just one last point. Isn’t it clear that some of the messier things in life have played a big part in bonding two people together?! But it doesn’t stop there. It’s especially important in the Golden Years of marriage. Without bodily fluids, what would we have to talk about?

THE GUYS

Since we are all conspiracy theorists at heart, we feel it’s only
fair to share some important information we’ve gathered along the way. Of course what we seek may be different than what you seek, but this information could  help to you find your own Holy Grail.

Since everyone loves lists, here is our list of “The ten things you should ask yourself before saying those two most sacred words: I will!”

And for our male readers. Please feel free to add to the list. We’re not a secret society here!

Away we GO!!!

1.
Does your man only say “I love you” when he’s aroused or about to enter the sacred chalice? If so, you may have a guy who is constantly searching.

2. Does your man say yes to everything you ask?
We’re not talking about normal compromise and the give and take that works in a healthy relationship, we’re talking a “YES MAN.” If so, you may think you hit the jackpot, but instead you’ve landed in a holding pattern around Boredom Airport.”

3. Is your man ambitious?
Let’s define this more clearly because as you know ambition can be a very good thing. But does he put his ambition first? Or his career first? Always saying, “As soon as I get this things will be good.” Sure you’ll be adorned with lots of presents, but he may never be present.
And that’s literal and figurative. You figure that out.

4. How
long does your man stand in front of the mirror? For men and women this
is a very different beast all together. We’re not opposed to careful grooming, but a man who constantly scrutinizes his own image, may be a bit too caught up in body image entirely. If so, good luck living up to that one.

5. How laid back is your man? There’s a fine line between, “It’s all Good!” and “I don’t give a shit.”

6.
Does your man try to hide the fact that he thinks other women are hot?
This is called the secret life of GUYS. Openly flaunting attraction to another women is NOT COOL!! But pretending he’s not attracted to anyone else in the entire world is absurd!

7. How jealous is your man? Some jealousy is a good thing, especially early on in a relationship. It can show that your man cares about you. But as you get more serious, or approach matrimony, the types of insecurities that lead to stalking or worse should be quieted. Sure, men are protective of their mates. That is part of us. But be aware of how this plays out. Any form of phone, email, text tampering pretty much means, RUN AWAY! And yes, we’re serious. Someone that insecure is trouble. Open communication early on will help immensely in this arena.

8. What does your man do for a living and
are you happy being poor? We’re kind of joking here. We actually hope the answer is yes. Meaning, we’d like to think you love us for who we are. But we also know that sentiment gets old fast. Modern life is expensive. Family life is expensive. And that longing in your eyes as you watch your man perform at that dive bar down the street is going to disappear if there’s not enough money to get diapers. Be honest with yourself. And most importantly, hope that your GUY loves being Mr. Mom.
Someone’s gotta wear the pants in the family.

9. Is your GUY
comfortable with you having friends? And we don’t just mean ex-boyfriends or other GUYS. We mean anyone. Any Guy with some testosterone coursing through his veins will be a little jealous(there’s that word again) if you hang out with your ex. That subject alone might take up a whole other post. But some GUYS just don’t want you to have a life outside of them. So ask yourself if you’re OK, being sucked into his world. For some it works and for others it
doesn’t.

10. We saved this one until the end because it’s the juiciest one of all.
We’ve developed a ratings system to help with confusion upon entering a life altering decision.
We call it, “First pick or second two.” This was a basic rule we used as kids upon deciding teams for any pick up sport. Sometimes simplicity is the most effective means to solving a problem….or for that matter anything. Here’s how it works. When picking teams the “captains” could either get first pick or the next two picks. This made the rest of the picks crucial, because it eliminated the obvious choices, and turned the rest of the picks into the winning or losing team. So here’s how it applies to our list.

Since we’re speaking in terms of TEN, let’s say you have ten important criteria when picking a mate. Without a doubt, you should get your first pick or your second two. Without one or the other, the rest of the picks don’t matter. But then after that, the rest of the picks (criteria) could turn to gravy, or unfortunately, artificial sweetener. And that’s where the fun and mystery lie.

So our questions is: Are you getting your “First pick or second two?”

If so, great! Time to move forward from “I will” to “I DO!” And have fun discovering the hidden gems of the next picks.

THE GUYS

We hope this post was somewhat helpful. Please leave your comments. We love hearing from you!!!

As of late, we've been getting a lot of pressure to get an animal. So we said fine, "Get some fish, fish tank,  fish food and whatever else you need." We thought we were being generous, but apparently fish don't count as animals. And neither do Gerbils, Snakes, Mice, Hamsters, Rats, Guinea Pigs or basically anything other than a Cat or a Dog.

So why didn't you say so from the beginning??!!

So let's get this straight. Are we really saying a Cat or a Dog, or do we just mean a Cat? Because let's face it, GUYS and Cats don't always jive. Sure, we've encountered a few that we've liked, but it's hard to take home a Tiger or a Lion from the zoo. Generally we're Dog people.

So this situation has become a big problem. And we're not sure how to resolve this crisis. So we wrote a little poem to give our readers a sense of what is going on inside GUYS' homes across America.

Cats and Dogs

The argument continues
'Bout which one ranks on top
It's been going on for years
And will probably never stop

Anytime the subject
Is brought up anywhere
Here is a little clip
Of what you'll probably hear

"Cats are cool!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are loyal!" say Dog lovers.
"Cats are sly!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are loving!" say Dog lovers.
"Cats are cuddly!" say Cat lovers.
"Dogs are playful!" say Dog lovers.
"Dogs smell badly!" say Cat lovers.
"Cats don't care!" say Dog lovers
"Dogs are dumb!" say Cat lovers.
"Cats are stupid!" say Dog lovers.
"You are stupid!" say Cat lovers.
"You are dumb!" say Dog lovers.

We don't think the argument
Will ever be resolved
Because the people having it
Are way too much involved

Has this been a problem for you? If so, how have you resolved this problem? How do we resolve this?

THE GUYS

We've been called everything in the book. And some of the worst have been the many comparisons to animals. "You Dog!" "You're a Pig!" "Move it, you Slug!" "You Shitbag" (OK, we just put that one in there.)

But instead of getting offended we decided to embrace these foul mouthed descriptions and write our own reasons why we are like animals.

Please let us know if you agree or disagree.

What animal would you compare your man to? Or if you're a guy, who would you compare your buddy to?

No need to pull punches. We just want to know where we stand.

Dog: We're loyal. And yes, we do like to sniff and occasional backside. Can you blame us?

Cheetah: We're fast. That's cool!. Although, some would say that's nothing to be proud of.
Ouch that hurts!!

Rat: Yes, we're kind of dirty. But we're smart too. We want you to believe we're dirtier than we are. That way you leave our stuff alone!

Wolf: We hunt in packs.

Chicken: We hunt in packs. It's safer.

Kitty Cat: We're not like them in any way, shape or form. In fact we don't like them in any way, shape or form.

Giraffe: We can see far ahead, but we sometimes stumble over what's right in front of us.

Goat: Sometimes we smell like one. What, that extra splash of cologne isn't working??

Gorilla: We like to beat our chest in a self-congratulatory manner.

Hyena: Even when we're laughing with you, we want to eat you!

So there you have it. We're sure you can come up with many more. Let's have it. We're ready!!

THE GUYS

 Yes, The Guys get together to discuss relationships.

Here is the
first installment of:  The Guys’ Sewing
Circle

Joe is at a table, in a bar. Aubrey and Bill arrive
together. 

Joe: Welcome gentleman. How you been?

Aubrey and Bill: (Together) Good. What’s up?

Joe:  Not much.…. Man it’s been
forever. What, maybe a few months since we’ve met? We’ve got to start meeting
more regularly.

Aubrey: I know, but  It’s tough with
the family. We've always got some school activity we have to attend. And then of course games and practices. It’s
nuts!

Bill: I hear ya. It’s crazy.

Joe: What are you talking about? You don’t have kids. At least Aubrey’s got
a good excuse. What’s yours?

Bill: Well, Charlotte’s the social director. She keeps us busy.

Joe: And what!… you’ve got no say. C’mon, be a man.

Bill: It’s not like that at all. I WANT to go.

Joe: You’re such a wimp.

Aubrey: Will you guys just shut up. Jeez. You’re always arguing about
something….(pause)…anyway …So what’s on the agenda?

Joe: Scott’s on the agenda.

Aubrey: Scott? What do you mean, Scott’s on the agenda?

Joe: Scott wants to join the Sewing Circle. He’s been bugging me about it
forever, so I’m putting it out there.

Bill: Scott’s a freakin’ pig! He has no respect for anything.

Joe: Not true. Scott’s a good guy. He’s just a little out there.

Bill: Well I’m not sure what he’ll add to the group. Insight? Doubtful.
Intelligent contributions. Unlikely. Fart jokes. Probably.

Joe: C’mon Guys, it will give our relationship conversations a new
perspective.

Bill: How? Wasn’t his last girlfriend 50 or something?

Joe: So what, who cares.

Bill: But he’s only 25!

Joe: See, he doesn’t discriminate. And like I said, a new perspective.

Bill: Yeah sure, new perspective. From someone who’s motto is, “It’s all good”  Great..(Sarcastically). 

Aubrey: I will say, he is kind of funny. Sure he’s kind of out there, but he
has a good heart. I say yes.

Bill: No way, you’ve got to be kidding.

Bill looks at Aubrey, then Joe. Shakes his head emphatically.

Bill: No, c'mon guys, for real…..

Joe: Sorry man, I vote yes too. Two to one. So I guess this means we have a new member.

Bill: This is a mistake, I’m telling you. We’ll never be able to talk about
how we feel again. The minute the word feeling is brought up, he’s just going
to start talking about some girl he's been with. He's a total DOG!

Aubrey: (Laughs) C'mon Bill he's not that bad. It will be entertaining. 

Joe: OK, guys enough. We’ll meet next week WITH Scott. So does anyone want
to talk about any issues you’re having in your relationships?

Aubrey: Things are good with me.

Bill:  Fine…(grumbling)

(Drinks arrive. The usual Thank yous, etc.)

Aubrey: So let’s say we make a commitment to meet weekly. There’s
nothing better than getting our feelings out on the table. (He raises his glass) So how about a
toast, to THE SEWING CIRCLE.

Bill:  I still don't think it's a good idea. But cheers. To OUR SEWING CIRCLE.

Joe:  Amen!

Tune in next week, when Scott joins the crew.

Since our BLOG is relatively new, this is the first installment in our Relationship Humor series. Every Monday we'll be sharing with you funny scenarios, comics and commentary on the modern relationship.

We welcome any material that you'd like to submit. And if you'd like to be a GUEST WRITER, contact us or leave us a comment. 

THE WEEK AHEAD:

Tuesday: Question/Answer

Wednesday: HOT or NOT? (Moved from Thursday)

Thursday: The Guy's Horizon: Our take on the future.

Friday: The weekend plus other goodies.

The Arrangement: A Parable

Adapted from an old Comic Strip

A man and a wife lived in a nice suburb with their two kids.
They had a very traditional arrangement. He would go to work every day and she
would stay home with the kids and tend to all the household duties. This
arrangement seemed to work well for quite a while until one night the husband expressed his dissatisfaction.

“I’m starting to feel a little resentful. I go to work all day, every
day. The commute is horrible, my boss is a pain in the butt, and I’m stressed
all day long. And you get to stay home and relax.”

The wife, now slightly annoyed, looked at him and said, “I
don’t relax all day. There’s too much to do. And the kids….”

The husband cut her off and said, “Please. What do you do all day?”

By now, the wife was far beyond annoyed, so she said, “I’m
not having this conversation right now with you.” And she went upstairs to
finish the last book of the “Twilight” series.

The next day, after the man went to work, the wife decided
to teach him a lesson. While her kids were at pre-school she relaxed, just as her husband said. She had coffee
with a friend. She worked out. She had lunch with more friends. She read a book
with a nice cup of tea. After she picked up the kids, she let them play by themselves while she watched a few shows on TV. Then she ordered take out from Domino's.

When the husband came home, the place was a wreck and he was outraged. “What the heck
happened here. This place is a mess? And you know I don't like take out food?!!"

The wife looked at him with a smile and said, “Remember last
night when I told you I do a lot of things during the day?” 

He nodded, “Yes?”

”Well I didn’t do them today.”

After that order was restored. The husband apologized and changed his tune. And they were happy once again.

THE GUYS

TOMORROW: QUESTION/ANSWER