The Guy&#8217;s Perspective

Booty call or relationship trouble

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call:

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits?

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex?

Booting up for the New Year

Article originally appeared in the Gatehouse family of newspapers.

“Booting up for the New Year” by Saelen Ghose

After a long, restful vacation I feel like one of those old internet providers—the kind you’d dial-in, then go make tea and read the paper, before it finally connected. It always takes a while for me to “boot up” for the New Year. But my kids, even longer.

I’ve been hearing cries of rebellion for the last few weeks as school and extra-curricular activities have resumed again, squeezing hours out of the day, that for a while were filled with just sitting around being bored. I no longer hear, “Dad, I am bored.” It’s more like, “Dad, I wish I were bored.” To which I respond, “Me too.”

Boy do I wish I were bored. Or rather, had time in my day where I could choose to be bored if I wanted to. But instead I find myself right back in full swing, making lunches, signing permission slips, working, chauffering to practices, making dinners, cleaning up dinners, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed, and working more. And of course there’s the ever-present dog to take care of.

So I’m wondering how to stop from falling into familiar patterns? Is it possible to ignore what everyone else is doing, and make decisions that work specifically for my family? Is there a way to make life flow in a more congruous way, rather than being so fragmented? Can I find balance?

I think a good start would be to impose a simple family rule: my wife and I make the decisions for the family. I do believe it’s important to empower kids to think for themselves and also important to encourage them to make their own decisions. But while those are important qualities to impart, sometimes those teachings can backfire, especially when the kids think they’re running the show.

Just the other day, my wife and I wanted to take a family hike in the woods. Instead of cheers from the gallery we heard moans and groans as if we told the kids it was time to go get their flu shots. We ignored their cries and went ahead with our plans. We knew that once we were surrounded by the clean, wooded air, everyone would have a great time. And we were right. The dog playfully roamed free for once, the kids explored streams and rotted tree trunks, and my wife and I took it all in and relaxed. We were all able to decompress and dial out for a moment, which needs to happen more often. But for me, the best part was that we were all together.

Too much of our family time is spent dividing and conquering. We have to because our schedule is insane, like most modern families. Weekends sound like this. “I’ll drive to soccer, then pick up the presents for the party.” “Sounds good. It’s my turn to carpool to basketball. Then I’ll pick up the boys from the party later.” “Great. I’m helping sell Girl Scout cookies this afternoon, so we’ll rendezvous at the pizza joint some time this evening.” “Perfect.” And by the time the day is done, the kids are fried, and my wife and I barely have enough energy to get up off the couch and go to bed.

Believe me, a part of that schedule I love. My favorite activity is watching my kids participate in the activities they love. But these types of weekends often revolve around individuals in our family, rather than our family as a whole.

I’d like to change that this new year. When we asked the kids what their highlights were for 2011, most of their responses involved some sort of family outing or vacation. And seeing that those particular activities took up a very small percentage of the year, that was quite telling. Sure, it’s difficult to get five people on the same page at any given time, but bringing the family together as a unit is vital for our collective well-being. We are a team, and the best way to gel like a team is to play together often.

So here’s to 2012. Same people, but hoping for some new habits. More time together, arguing over which station to listen to, who leads the hike, and what restaurant we’ll go to. But somehow I know all those arguments will be forgotten as memories form, prioritizing the good times. My guess is, we’ll all only remember what mattered most: time spent together as one.

I am confused about this guy; are we in a relationship?

We’re looking for Women Writers. Check out our “Women Speak” page for more details on how to submit your work. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. (We’ll happily promote your blog, website, project, or book at the end of your piece.)

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready. I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences? I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic, you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Is he interested in friendship or something more?

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

He speaks in facts, she in emotions: Studying abroad; should I break up or do long distance?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

- Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

- During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

- I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Three Questions: Should I date this older guy? and Dating my best friend’s boyfriend? and Will my boyfriend care about bumps on my butt?

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with Conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Today we will be answering three short questions.

Question 1:

Dear Guys,

I’m 15 and have been talking to a guy for awhile and we’ve both realized that we have romantic feelings for each other and that we would like to date. But he’s 18 so that’s not exactly possible yet.

He asked me to classify our relationship, so I said friends. This resulted in him saying that he felt like an idiot. Then he became depressed and distant for a few days. It’s clear that we can’t actually be together yet so I don’t know how else I would classify our relationship, or how to continue forward without getting overly involved for my age. How do I deal with the possibility of either of us getting involved with someone else and the jealousy involved in that?

Advice please?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question. It’s nice to see that you have a good head on your shoulders.

You’re right. The two of you should only be friends right now, until you’re of age. At that point a three year difference won’t be that big of a deal, although there’s still quite a divide between a freshman in college and a senior, but nothing like a freshman in high school and a senior in high school.

So what do you do until then?

What’s going to happen is—if he’s anything like the young guys around here—he’s going to start to pressure you subtly to start dating, or even to have a physical relationship with him. This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy, it just means he’s a young man and he’s attracted to you. But this is not a good idea for you; if this does happen you need to set clear boundaries. Remember, guys aren’t so interested in being friends with women they would really rather date. Have you seen “Harry met Sally?” It’s an oldie but goodie, with a classic conversation at a restaurant about this topic.

We’d say the only thing you should do is keep in touch casually on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Just keep on each other’s radar. (We know that’s going to be hard.) But we wouldn’t get into phone calls, texting, etc. That’s going to be too intimate.

Believe us, even though he might start dating another girl, you’ll always be on his radar. We’re not saying he won’t fall in love with someone else in the meantime, but whenever he’s single again you’ll be the first person he thinks of.

Finally, we think you should do all the things a 15 year-old girl does now, and not wait around for this guy. However, if sometime down the road (years), the spark is still there, well then you’ll be better equipped to deal with an older guy.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Question 2:

Dear Guys,

My BFF has a boyfriend named (anonymous). He is soo sweet and they have been dating a while. But he confessed his love for me today, but said he loves my BFF too.

To be honest I like him too. But I also don’t wanna hurt my friend’s feelings.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

What do you do? You do nothing. Your best friend comes first. Even after they break up you should stay away from this guy. Otherwise you’ll be faced with a decision: Date this boy or have your best friend.

Also keep in mind that you’re young. And even if you decided to date this boy, it’s likely you’d break up soon after. Then you’d be left with neither this boy or you best friend.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

pss. As per your other question: Progressing your relationship in a nonsexual way? That seems like a covert way of saying your boyfriend wants to by physical with you without actually defining it as sex.

Question 3:

Hi Guys,

My guy really wants to do it doggie style, and so do I, but I have a bit of keratosis pilaris (bumps) (for our readers) on my butt and I don’t really want him staring at that.

Do you think this is going to be a huge turn off for him or am I overreacting?

Thanks!

Cait xx

Dear Cait,

Thanks for your question. Let’s put it this way, we don’t know a lot of guys that would care.

Is your guy a sensitive person? Could you talk to him about this? (You don’t mention your age so we don’t have a sense of how serious your relationship is. We’re assuming you’re old enough to have sex and so you’re in a committed relationship.) Anyway, if he loves you he definitely won’t care. And believe us, if he’s been anticipating this for a while, a few bumps on your butt will be the last thing on his mind. In fact, during your session, his mind will be on hiatus anyway. (And his vision will be blurry.)

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dear Guys,

For the past week, my boyfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some girl that he says is just a friend. He gets off work around midnight and from midnight until about 2am they are texting back and forth. He says she’s much younger and having issues with a guy after having sex with him.

I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When he got in the shower, I checked his messages and saw her asking where he was and if they were meeting at the usual place. Before getting in the shower he replied, “Sweetie, are you there?” She began calling.

I was so pissed I confronted him and confessed to looking through his phone. He was calm the entire time and kept shaving. I asked him why he would keep leading me on if he was in love with someone else? He said, “You don’t know what you are talking about and you are thinking too much.” I pushed and asked if he lied to me about visiting his mom in the hospital. He got pissed and told me, “Fine. I’ll leave. I’m not coming back.” I went in the bedroom and slammed the door. I came back out and grabbed his phone threatening to call her. He snatched the phone from me and said, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

I was defeated at this point and since I was taking a trip out of town in a few days I decided to focus my energy on preparing. I went to dinner with a male friend of mine and came home pretty tipsy and I thought I beat him home, but I didn’t. He was standing outside and his face was red and he had been crying pretty hard. I walked up and he said, “I’m so sorry. I was so worried.”

When we got in the apartment, he held me and put his head in my lap. I tried consoling him, but I felt betrayed. Even during the night he cried in his sleep. I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed him by looking through his phone, but I found what I found. Were his tears an admission of guilt? I truly love him. I don’t know if this is grounds for a break up or if there’s a way to fix it?

Eve

Dear Eve,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.

Curiosity is what drives people to snoop through their hosts’ medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what drives people to snoop through their partner’s phone. We totally understand why you went through his phone, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. But we hardly call that a betrayal. Yes, maybe a breach of trust, but not a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that he’s been doing “something” behind your back.

We interpret his tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because he’s scared that you’ll break up with him. They could also be tears of sadness because although he cares for you, he ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.

Is his betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you Eve.

Some questions you have to ask yourself:

Do I believe his story?

Can I trust him again?

Do I believe he won’t do this again?

Does he truly love me in the way I want to be loved?

What drove him to do this, and is that particular thing something that can be addressed?

What kind of man do I want to be in a relationship with?

Am I able to forgive him and move past this?

Eve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less, and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your boyfriend. We would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)

Good luck. Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions to check out:

Should I start an affair?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Personal Story from Sabrina: Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Dear Readers,

This beautiful and honest piece was received as a comment to a recent relationship question/answer on our “Ask the Guys” page. The post was entitled, “Dating in my 20s as a single mother.” Also, read, “Will guys date single mothers?” for more information.

Thank you Sabrina for sharing your experiences.

THE GUYS

Dating in my 20s as a single mother by Sabrina

I can offer up the firsthand view and experience of dating in single motherhood…

I wanted to get married and start a family at a young age, and I did just that; less than a week after turning 18 I married my high school boyfriend of eight months. Almost two years into our marriage, I gave birth to our daughter, and by the time she was two and a half and just shy of our 4 year anniversary, we were divorced. Like Paul and The Guys above state, I was looking to fill a void. Not by having my daughter, but by having the whole ‘happy and complete’ family fantasy that I never had growing up. Of course it’s taken me many years to honestly see and admit that fact.

My dad wasn’t around like he should have been because he was military, and he was busy with other women behind my mothers’ back for the 17 years they were married. I love my dad, we are better now than we were when I was a kid, but he wasn’t the shining male example I should have had and it has caused me to fall for and accept men of similar, bad treatment towards the women they claim to love.

When I decided I deserved someone who truly wanted to be a husband and proper example of a man, I asked my husband for a divorce even though the worry crossed my mind about being so young and a single parent that no one would want the ‘baggage’ I would be carrying when dating again. I decided though that I would rather be happy and back on my own and most likely single for some time to come, than in a marriage that would never work. My advice is this;

As a single mother, the few men I have dated over the 5+ years I’ve been single now have been losers. The first I dated was very brief, only a couple months. He lied, met women behind my back, begged for a loan that he promised he’d pay back, and then took that loan and flew back to his hometown of Vegas.

After him, I ended up in an abusive relationship for four years with someone younger (you can never know the difficulty of leaving something as such until you experience it yourself, believe you me). When my daughter grew to an age where she could truly comprehend the difference between good and bad treatment, I finally got the courage to leave and set the example for my daughter —he was very good to her, but horrid to me—I booted him for good. It was one of the most difficult things to have her understand when he had been involved with us for so long; but when I was able to tell her and show her that when you love someone you are not cruel and unkind, she understood.

I have been so used to being with a man that I jumped from that relationship right into another who honestly DID seem to be what I had been missing. He professed love for my daughter and we integrated our lives quickly; I was convinced I had finally met ‘The One.’ We were together almost a year when last November he left me for his high school flame whom he never dated but always wondered ‘what if’ about when she relocated back over from Eastern Washington. My daughter and I were crushed. She’s almost 8, and damn it, I’m almost 30 and I’m tired of the games men keep playing. And that last one was even 30, so some men aren’t even mature and ready by their 30′s! It’s literally luck and chance of meeting the right person who means what they say and will forever stick around.

I’ve been refraining from dating until a new year since my ex left, and I’ve been surprisingly happy with the break. 20 is so young, and really, you are going to change so much over the next decade. I’m 27 and amazed at how my taste and desires have manifested over the years, and it’s taken all of my experiences to get it. Being a single mother is a rough road and being so young can make it feel like the end of the world and you’ll always be alone. But here’s the thing; you won’t. There are men who will be involved with a single mother, but unfortunately, a great deal of them will be wrong for you. You have to take your time with everything and approach relationships far more slowly and carefully now that you are one plus a little one. It’s going to feel like an eternity, and you’re going to feel lonely A LOT. But when the right man eventually makes his way into your life, the patience will all have been worth it.

Focus on you, living an amazing life, and be a shining example of a strong independent woman for your daughter. Mine asked me the other day if this year I was going to have a boyfriend. I giggled and looked at her with a grin on my face and said, ”Maybe, anything can happen. But you know what, if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t, then that’s okay too. When I’m supposed to be with the right person, it will happen, but right now, I’m very happy with how things are.” And I meant every word. Her response, “Right Mom, we are happy together!” I feel wonderful knowing my daughter is seeing and feeling such positiveness from my choices. Love/Relationships/Dating/Marriage is just a piece of the lives we live and lead, don’t let it be your all consuming focus. What’s meant to happen, will. Don’t give up hope, be strong, and know that good things come to those who deserve it :]

Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Why does he have a second Facebook page? What is this guy’s MO?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything. But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

I also found out that he has another Facebook page in relation to the one that I’m connected to. This new page seems to actually be his personal one. (He has is friends, his family–perhaps, and even his co-workers on it.) However, the one that I am connected to is pretty restrictive. I am unable to see his friends’ list. Yet the comments left on the page are made by a lot of African/African-American women. I happen to be an AF woman which raises a couple of red flags for me. I’m not even sure that I’m on the right grounds to even confront him about it. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, not committed/exclusive. (We’ve haven’t even gotten that far.) And I guess that he’s free to do/date whomever he wants. But at the same time, I can’t help but think that I just may be another AF-woman on his page to “chat” with and occasionally meet up with.

Should I confront him about the page? Would I have the right to do it? If so, how would I go about doing it without seeming like a stalker? If I shouldn’t confront him about it when would be the most appropriate time? WTF should I do? Should I pursue this or should I just see it as a fling and move on?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Take care.

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

How to ask about sex?

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

What does he really want?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Hi Guys,

I have been totally blindsided! About six weeks ago I started seeing this guy. (He is younger than me – I’m 30 and he’s 24, but that didn’t seem to bother him.) Everything was going really smoothly up until yesterday. While we were seeing each other he was out of town for two of the weeks. One of the weeks he was going to different universities around Canada because he’s finishing med school this year and is looking for residency positions. So we didn’t talk much while he was gone. And then the week before Christmas he was out of town staying with his family. So I know that overall I haven’t invested a whole lot of time into this relationship but I’m not sure where/when it went wrong.

The first few weeks that we were seeing each other he did do most of the talking. I think he was nervous(?) because it could be hard for me to get a word in edgewise. After our second date he wanted to not only know if I’d hang out with him on New Years but also wanted to know if there was anyone else in the picture and seemed somewhat surprised when I said that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even asked me if “I was (only) his” and I said yes. (How does one answer that kind of question??) He was really eager/enthusiastic – I’ve never dated someone so overzealous (seemingly) in the beginning of a relationship but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I don’t think he’s had much experience in having relationships. He said he’d only had one previous long term relationship and then a “fling” over the summer. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship last March and I’m in no rush to jump into anything. (We waited until about 2 or 3 weeks in before having sex… well I made us wait and I think I should’ve waited longer).

After a few dates he invited me out with his friends and we had a really good time. He told me later they really liked me and a week or so after that my friends and I hosted a party and he came to that and my friends all came up to me later telling me they really liked him. After the party was the first time we had sex and I do think there was a (very) subtle change in the dynamic of the relationship after that. The very day we had sex I had to leave to go to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Just as I was on my way to meet up with him he messaged me bailing on me—first time ever bailing last minute—because he had to pack because he was going to his universities tour that I mentioned earlier. The fact that he had just stayed at home while I was gone playing on his xbox knowing he was supposed to meet up with me I thought was inconsiderate so I asked him to next time give me a heads-up in advance if he has to bail. And the following week, when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet up, he let me know 12 hours in advance! So I saw the bailing thing as just a blip.

We still frequently made plans to meet up after that and it was always nice spending time with him and he was pretty consistent about contacting me, as was I with him. Two days ago he got back from spending a week and a half with his family out of town. No sooner did we sit down at coffee yesterday that he said, “We have to talk!” We hadn’t even had a ‘define the relationship’ type of conversation so I didn’t even know if he considered me as his girlfriend. And then the next thing I knew he was ending our relationship and according to him we were dating!

He said that he felt that because the hospital he was going to be working at next semester was pretty far he was going to have to spend a lot of time at his parents because they live close to the hospital. He often has to be at the hospital for 6am and public transit doesn’t even start to operate until 6am and he will be on call most of the time and he didn’t know how much time he could invest into a relationship. He said he doesn’t also want to be a guy who calls only when he has like thirty minutes to hang out or something. He said he still likes me and is attracted to me but he has to prioritize his career and school. (Since I have a Master’s degree I totally get the need to prioritize school and career.)

So I told him that I respected him for being straight up but that I would’ve appreciated a bit more dialogue such as about how I would have felt with only seeing him once a week but he sort of made up his mind about how I would’ve felt about it.

I asked him how long he had been thinking of this and he said he just started really thinking seriously (as in 3 days ago) about how the next few months are going to be for him and that he didn’t see how things could work out as we’d like it to so he decided he needed to focus on his priorities, which is school and getting into a residency program. (I don’t begrudge that of course).

But is it really school or do you think he’ll have a change of heart?

Thanks!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

As women are often, but certainly not always, attracted to guys who are stable and seemingly good caretakers—guys with money, or at least good jobs—guys in turn strive to achieve those positions. Our identities, and unfortunately our egos, are closely connected to our work. We want to feel valued in society. We want to be respected by our peers. And we certainly want to be attractive to women. But it’s more than that. Since we’re no longer required to hunt, moving up the career ladder is the closest thing we have to taking down that Saber Tooth Tiger.

Your guy’s age and inexperience play a big factor here as well. He’s probably a bit uncertain about how he feels. Remember, he’s probably been planning on studying medicine his whole life. (Or maybe his parents pushed him in that direction, which is a whole other story.) Then all of a sudden he meets you right before he’s about to take the next step and he’s thrown off a bit. Most guys just won’t tolerate that. Even if they feel a strong connection with a woman they won’t allow themselves to “go there.” We’d say he fits neatly into this category. And if so, we don’t see him veering from his course.

Some people love the idea of love. They get all excited every time they meet someone new, only to have their feelings temper as the relationship develops. In a word, or words, this stinks for the other person. The way he spoke to you at the beginning was probably genuine, but in some ways he was living in his own fantasy world. When he “woke up,” he realized that he needed to stay focused on his plan.

Of course having said that, if this guy really felt something extra special with you his conversation might have been slightly different.(Like you surmised.) He might have asked you how you felt about him moving, and if you would consider trying to do a long distance relationship; and maybe if he was really a risk taker, he’d ask you if you would consider relocating. He still wouldn’t have changed his path, but it’s possible he might have tried to incorporate you into it.

But that takes a forward-thinking person to do that. Someone who is able to balance a lot at one time, or even understand that this balancing act is possible. If he’s career obsessed it might not even have occurred to him that having an exciting career AND a great relationship is possible. Some guys just don’t have that capacity, even when they are married.

If it makes you feel better we bet at some point he’ll feel some regret over his decision. We also wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted you again. But it’s hard to say when, and if he’ll be a different person when he does. (We wouldn’t hold our breath on this one.)

We’ll speak personally and tell you that having a career that we love is very important, but having a woman we love and a family to come home to is even better. There are many guys out there who feel the way we do. We’re not sure if this guy is one of them, or if he’s just too young to know where he stands.

Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Keep spreading the word about us. We love you girls up in Canada!! Thanks.

Two questions: Is this party guy interested? (and) Did I get played by this girl?

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. If you’re not one, then let your writer friends know. We’re currently reviewing submissions for February and March.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

How to ask about sex?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

What does he really want?

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over?

2. Where did all the mistletoe go?

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha,

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Happy Holidays: Some fun reading and videos

We hope everyone is enjoying themselves this holiday season. We certainly are. If you’re looking for a short break from the festivities and need some quiet time, take in a few of these holiday pieces.

If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.

Until then, enjoy!

THE GUYS

1. Holiday Expectations: The goal of perfection (From our very own “One of the Guys”)

3. Unconventional Holiday Movies

4. Where to take your holiday hookups

5. Holiday dating Dos and Don’ts

6. How to survive holiday dating

7. Healthy relationships during the holidays: Dr. Logan Levkoff-sexologist

8. The four Christmas articles you’ll see on the internet

9. Magic of the holidays (Another article from “One of the Guys”)

10. College Humor Holiday Video

Visit our “Women Speak” page. We’re looking for women writers. Take a look and see what the topic is for February and March. If you’re not a writer, let your writer friends know. We look forward to reading your submissions. Thanks.

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship for 5 years. (A gay couple.) My ex constantly flirted with his previous boyfriends or other guys online while we were together.

Two years ago he left me and moved in with a guy he just met. Well that lasted two weeks and then he wanted me back. When he came back he got into counseling and I thought things were going well. I was wrong. He cheated again. So I ended the relationship for good.

It has taken a lot of work to get over my ex. Finally, I started talking to someone new. At the beginning of December my ex tried to say negative things about me to this new guy. Then he tried to repair his broken relationship with my best friend. (I think it’s really unfair of my ex to contact my best friend.) He’s made sure that I don’t talk to many mutual friends anymore which I’m okay with because it tells me they weren’t true friends.

The bottom line is, my ex just won’t go away. Not a week goes by that he doesn’t do something to try and tear me down. What I don’t understand is why would he do this? He’s dating someone else. And I’ve been working hard on myself to heal and grow from this because it was a really, really bad relationship.

He’s told everyone he doesn’t want me, but he still contacts me and tries to get all dramatic. So why won’t he go away? Why won’t he stop doing these things and just leave me alone?

Nate

Dear Nate,

Thanks for your question.

It takes strength to break up with someone you still love. Good for you—for recognizing how unhealthy your relationship was, and extracting yourself. But as you know, the breakup is only the first step to actually moving on. Often people get back together—as in your case, sometimes more than once—only to finally break it off permanently. Once the actual physical connection is no longer there it still takes time to separate emotionally.

And that’s where you are. Both of you. You are still allowing him to exhibit control over you and he still feels remorseful for messing up a good thing. Because rest assured, he is remorseful, and wishes he acted differently when the two of you were together. Otherwise he wouldn’t be spending so much time trying to make life difficult for you now. He sees that you’ve moved on. He sees you’ve gotten stronger and more confident and that bothers him. He wants you to feel as miserable as he does inside. So when he sees you happy, he’s going to do anything he can to try and take that from you.

You can’t control his actions and words, but you can control how you react to what he says, and how his actions affect you. This starts with you having very clear boundaries. (Maybe you’ve done this, but it should happen again.) Please ask him nicely to stop speaking badly about you to other people. And then ask him to stop contacting you. Once you’ve done this you must also follow through. Stop answering his calls. Don’t get sucked into the drama—long drawn out conversations and arguments. Stop giving him any sort of audience and after a while this will hopefully stop.

We understand that part of the problem is the two of you travel in many of the same circles. You have mutual friends, you go to similar hang outs, and you probably live near each other. So unless you plan on moving and starting a new life somewhere else, you’re going to have to deal with him in your life to some extent. So you must be consistent, strong, and clear. And lean on your true friends for support. Don’t be shy about this. It’s okay to ask for help.

Nate, if you can understand that he’s actually hurting, and try to see him as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with his inner turmoil, it might help you separate from him. We’re not saying accept his negative actions. No one should ever accept being bullied. And we’re not saying it’s your job to help him. It’s not. But if you realize that he is in a holding pattern—right where he was when you broke up with him—and that you’ve grown so much since then, you’ll realize that you do in fact have the control here. You’re the stronger person; you’re the person who’s put in the hard work to grow; so you need to rise above this. Hopefully one day he’ll start working on what he needs to work on. But that’s his journey, not yours.

Focus on what you can control: your happiness. The rest is all static, meant to distract you from your goal.

And finally, if this gets too bad, and he won’t leave you alone, then you might need to seek help beyond your friends. (Something to consider down the road.) Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.

Good luck and happy holidays.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

A note to readers:

This post will appear on both the “Ask the Guys” page and the “Fatherhood/Parenting” page. It seems appropriate for both.

And now, in addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

Dear Guys,

My son is 26 and has been dating a woman who is 33 for the last 7 months. She has three kids of her own.

I dont understand how he can throw his life away? He will never have children with her because she already has three. But he says he loves her.

Any advice?

Upset Mom

Dear Upset Mom,

Thanks for your question. We can certainly speak to this topic from both sides. (Some of us have chosen your son’s path and some of us are parents.)

As parents we want our kids to have a great life. We want them to get an education, land a great job, find a loving partner, have their own kids, and grow old—surrounded by a support system of wonderful people including their kids. In essence we want them to live the lives we’ve lived—or are living—but only better. And this is completely natural and understandable. We’re right there with you.

However, you know as well as we do, that this isn’t how it works. Think about your own choices and how they may have clashed with your own parents’ hopes and dreams for you? At least on our end there has always been, and still is, a healthy dose of conflict with our parents, as we fumble and claw our way through this life. Not to get all existential on you, but isn’t that what the human existence is all about? It’s a continuum. We try our best, make mistakes, grow wiser—hopefully—and just as we think, maybe just maybe, we’ve figured out a little something, it’s time for us to leave this earth.

Your son is doing exactly that. He’s making the best choices he can make for where he’s at on the continuum of learning. Sure it’s easy for us to offer this viewpoint sitting here on the sidelines, but actually we do know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

So what are you saying to your son? Are you giving him a hard time about this? Because if you are, you’re putting your relationship with him at risk. And for what? No matter what you say he’s going to do what he thinks is right for him. This is not a guy thing. This is a human thing. He has accrued a certain amount of information in his life that he carries around in a metaphorical bag. This bag of experiences informs him every day. And so he can only make decisions based on the experiences he has already. Maybe in five years, ten years he’ll look back and wonder what the heck he was thinking. But right now, he can only make decisions based on his previous experiences. And for him a relationship with this woman seems like a good thing right now.

So you have two choices.

1. Try to accept this as best you can and support him. If he ultimately chooses this path then at least you’ll be with him as he moves forward with his life. And if he does break it off with her, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet, with your relationship still intact.

2. You can continue to be against this choice and draw a line in the sand by letting him know he’s making a mistake. But then you’ll miss out on being part of his life because he’ll shut you out. Sure, if you must tell him how you feel, say it once, and once only. But after that one time, if you continue, he’s going to push you out of his life. And if he does break up with her, he’s going to remember how you treated him—mainly that you didn’t trust him to make his own decisions—and hold that against you. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy, and will likely be forever altered. And we honestly don’t think you want that, do you?

Guys especially need a purpose in life. For some it’s a great career. For others it’s a family to take care of. And for some, it’s bedding as many women as they can. And guys struggle with this. Some choose one purpose only to realize it’s not what ultimately makes them happy, and then they do a complete 180.

It’s very possible this is not your son’s “final stop” on the continuum. As we said before we’ve been on both sides of this. And we’ve seen it work out to varying degrees. A dear friend of ours married a woman with three kids and couldn’t be happier—much happier than many who have chosen the conventional life. Others have dated women with kids only to break up after a time.

So please think long and hard about how you want to proceed from here on out. We understand you’re sad, frustrated, and probably a bit angry. All the time and energy you spent raising your son, only for him to choose this path?! We don’t think there’s a parent on this earth that would choose this particular path for their child. But all parents would choose happiness for their kids.

Remember, the relationship you’ve built with your son is everything. Don’t throw it away over this. He needs you now as much as he’s always needed you. And that will never change, unless you create a situation where he doesn’t trust you anymore.

So hang in there. You might be surprised at what happens. Most relationships don’t last, especially when complicated by more than two people. But when they do, they were meant to.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. (If they have any relationship or parenting questions.) And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right of each page.) It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!

Readers: Please share your opinions. Or experiences.

Divorced woman w/ children dating bachelors in their 40s

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Dear Guys,

I’m 41 and have been divorced a year . I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.

When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues? Should I simply run from them all? It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thanks for your question.

These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.

What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.

We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”

What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?

1. He wants to be single.

2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.

3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.

4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.

5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)

6. He is very shy.

7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.

8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)

9. Divorced.

10. Widower

And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)

Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.

We hope this helps.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right side of any page.)

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Why did we really break up?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more?

Hi Guys,

I’m a freshman girl in college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated anyone. I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m kind of shy and quiet and I rarely hang out with guys. However, I’m very involved on campus.

A couple of months ago I became friends with a cute and smart guy in the same student organization and he was very open about his sexual orientation. He is the perfect friend that anyone can have. He’s funny, charming, smart, and I can hang out with him and even talk about boys!

At first, we were good friends and hung out a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous when he talks about another guy. He’s very popular so he probably considers me no more special than any other friend. I’m usually the one to invite him out and rarely the other way around. I miss him when I can’t see him for a day. I think about him all the time. I eventually realize that I like him more than a friend. I also notice that sometimes I try to look attractive around him or try to keep him entertained. I know it’ll always be platonic but I really don’t know what I should do.

Can you please help me?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question.

Well this is exciting for you. No, not the fact that you like someone who is unavailable to you, but the fact that you’ve entered into a new realm. You’re having an awakening, which comes with a myriad of new emotions and feelings, some wonderful and some confusing.

You said yourself, you’ve never had a boyfriend or dated anyone, but in a way this guy is your first, because he’s inadvertently helped you come out of your shell. Without knowing it, he’s opened you up to a new world of queasy stomachs, butterflies and crushes.

We suggest you focus less on your feelings for him—he’s not going to change his sexual orientation—and start being open to meeting other interesting and smart guys, for which there are plenty.

Try to enjoy the friendship with this guy without trying to get him to notice you in other ways. And since he is so popular and knows so many people, maybe he’ll be the one to introduce you to someone else who you find just as exciting and cool. Keep doing what you’re doing. Say yes to invitations, join other organizations, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. This is all good.

Please leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And keep us posted. We’d love to hear how things are going with you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Military Gal in a Long Distance Relationship: Is it time to move on?

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why did we really break up?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call?

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me?

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for about a year and a half with about a two years long distance where we see each other about every six months. We’re both in the military and stationed apart now. Before he left he asked me to marry him and I told him yes of course. I was happy and he seemed happy. But the more I talked about the upcoming wedding the more I could see that he was not so happy anymore even though he said over and over he meant it. So I stopped talking about it.

A little over a year later we brought up marriage again and agreed that we both wanted to get married and have been thinking about it. Also it’s certain we will not be stationed together without being married at this point which means we’d have to wait until the end of my enlistment in 2014 to be together. But we decided to plan to get married 6 months later on our leave. It was very exciting. He said I could plan everything since he didn’t really care too much.(About the plans)

Our leave came and for the first three days he ignored me. Nothing more than kisses and maybe holding hands. Which is odd since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months. He took off his ring when we went to his hometown saying he just hadn’t pulled it out after security. Eventually I knew this was not true. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t ready to get married and that we wanted two different things. He was scared about messing it up and messing up our future children or having them too soon. I told him that we could wait a couple years to have kids if he wanted. (Yes I want them but I want to have them together.) So we decided to see if it was just anxiety or if he really couldn’t go through with it since the wedding was scheduled to happen in a few days.

A couple days passed and I brought the subject up again. This caused him to get angry saying we already discussed the subject. I was confused and hurt. I told him this. We went through this cycle for a little over a week. In the end I gave him four days to think over everything and get back to me with a definite answer.

By the third day I was thinking it was all okay. I was thinking if we don’t get married right now we can always get married later. Before this day came I noticed messages from a girl like ‘i miss your touch’ and started to ask about her first indirectly then directly. And on this day I was sitting next to him and I saw him message her ‘mm i love your kisses.’ I first asked him if he loved me and he said yes of course. Then I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. He said “That’s why I asked you, but I’m just not ready.” So then I asked about his message. This made him defensive and he tried to break up then. After a few minutes he changed his mind and promised to get me a new ring and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Prior to my departing back to my station we decided to think about the whole marriage thing and in December we would come together on the subject and decide to maybe set a date in the future and tell our families. (This time we were just going to elope). All good.

A couple weeks after I got back I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and he was scared. (Which is normal I guess.) But he started coming around and we could talk about the baby together and the future. At my appointment just shy of ten weeks I found out I had lost the baby. Since then I’ve been in a very depressive state and we have been arguing a lot now.

Now it’s been about two weeks since we lost hope for our baby and he says we need a break…then that we are breaking up…then that it’s not breaking up but a break. After 2.5 hours of talking and crying he agreed to give us a chance to fix things since it wasn’t fair and he didn’t really want to break up. He just was tired of the arguing and making me cry.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were so close to the breaking point. I can see how though. We’ve been lashing out at each other and I know we’re both hurting. I think our biggest problem is communication. We’re fighting because we can’t find out how to communicate how we feel to each other. He’s not very open with his feelings and usually I am not either but I’ve been very open with him because I love him and don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me very much and has never loved anyone like he loves me and wants us to work.

Really I don’t know how to move on or how to help him. I wish I did.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we want to say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a baby during pregnancy is a traumatic event for a woman and a couple to go through. And it’s especially difficult if the relationship itself is a bit uncertain or strained.

And overall, that’s how we feel about this. You keep imploring him to make decisions that he’s not ready to make. Or maybe he is ready to make some decisions but he’s so worried about your reaction, that he’s not willing to tell you what’s really on his mind. You need to pull back and start letting him make some of his own decisions. You need to listen to what he truly wants, because in the end, you want him to be honest. Because if he’s 100% on board with this relationship things will be great. If he’s not 100% on board, eventually you’ll grow resentful and at some point the whole relationship will unravel.

The best way you can help him Gloria—and help yourself—is allowing him the freedom to make his own choices. Which means if he doesn’t want to get married you need to honor that. We’re not saying he doesn’t, but you’re not getting honest answers from him because he is under emotional duress—you’re crying and he doesn’t want to hurt you. And it’s possible he’s just not ready to even think about marriage right now, but he might be open to it some time down the road. The two of you are relatively young still and it sometimes takes guys a little longer to understand what they truly want.

We understand how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love. And we can see how much you want to be with this man. Being in a long distance relationship is trying and can cause even the most confident person to feel insecure, especially if their partner is not that communicative. But as difficult as it may be, you can’t let those feeling of insecurity invade your relationship. We get the sense that this marriage—in addition to finally being stationed together—is a way for you to be sure about the relationship. It’s a way for you to guarantee you’ll be together. We get this. We really do. It’s totally normal to feel this way. But even if you do get married there are no guarantees it will last, especially he feels forced into it.

We think you need to sit with this a bit and think about what you really want. Is it this guy? And is it this guy even if he’s uncertain about getting married? Or is it marriage in general? Or is it having security? Be honest with yourself and really give it some thought.

And at the same time you need to give your guy some space to think about what he really wants. He needs to be able to make that decision while he’s apart from you. There’s no way he can make an honest decision if he’s with you and you’re upset. It’s obvious he cares for you a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married to you.

So when is your next visit?

We think you both need some space to think about all of this. And then come together in a few months or so and really have an honest talk with one another. It may turn out that this is all a timing issue and that down the road the two of you will be together. But you’re not going to find out anything if you don’t give him some space and time to do some soul searching and see what he really wants. And you’ll be happier either way, even if it’s more difficult now.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or in the future as this progresses. And/or leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted please. We’re pulling for you no matter how this turns out.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Being Single on Thanksgiving; Is it really so bad?

Is there anything worse than being a Turkey on Thanksgiving?

Probably not, but being single is a close second. But is it?

The biggest problem with being single is that everyone feels sorry for you. On the one hand it’s nice that people are looking out for you. Being alone on a major holiday can be a bummer. But the fact that everyone feels the need to invite you to their home only amplifies the obvious: That you have no place to go to, and no one special in your life to share the holiday with.

But there are advantages to being single on holidays.

1. Sometimes being single, far away from your family, is not such a bad thing. This way you get to avoid the family get together. Because to avoid the family get together also means to avoid the family drama, for which there will always be some. Whether it’s some secret that gets revealed by a drunk uncle who’s had too much wine before the Tryptophan has kicked in and knocked him out, or some thoughtless cousin who makes some rude remark about the food—which causes a huge ruckus in the kitchen and an uncomfortable silence during dinner—there’s always some drama. And who needs it? Because it takes at least two weeks of chocolate and naps to recover from it all.

2. But seeing the drama unfold in someone eles’s family is awesome. There’s certainly something pleasurable in witnessing other families actually have some level of dysfunction too. Even those Perfect Families. So be sure to accept that invite to get your front row seat.

3. You have choices. You’re mobile. You can turkey hop until you find the house with just the right combination of food. You can find the house with the biggest Flat Screen TV to watch the football games, or you can excuse yourself right after dinner without feeling guilty. No one will be angry with you if you leave; they’ll just feel sorrier for you, which you’ll be able to milk for all it’s worth at a later date. Yeah, like Christmas. Bring on the gifts!

4. You can stay home if you’d like. That’s right. Pick up an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken with Black Bean Sauce at the local Chinese place, and a bunch of video rentals, and spend the day on the couch. (Listen to our Podcast about this very topic. Episode #49 “Nerds & Jocks, Turkey and Funny Women” ) There’s nothing like Chinese food and a movie during a major holiday. Judaism: 101 and Greetings

5. Make up your own holiday. They’ve got to start somewhere. Why not with you? Remember Festivus on Seinfeld?

So if you’re reading this and you’re not single, we ask you to open up your hearts and open up your homes. Because this is the holiday for giving. Just don’t be surprised if your invitation is rebuffed. Single people have choices. And it’s likely they actually have something way more interesting planned than you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy,

THE “single” GUYS

ps. Join us on Twitter. Who knows, maybe you’ll get invited over for some pie? @TGPBuzz

Is he playing me?

Check out the video: Getting Played-Trust your Gut

Other questions on “Getting Played”

Am I being played again?

Different Cultures; is he more than a friend, less than a lover?

Did I get played by this girl? and The Party Guy

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So there’s this guy that I really like. I met him through friends and we always party together. We did have a couple drunken hookups – except I’m not sure if he was REALLY drunk or not. We have been talking for a couple months online and hanging out once in a while in a group of friends. The thing is, he told me straight up he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to date around because he had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend of 5 years and is still hurting and not over her. I respected his decision and gave him his space. I also took it as if he wasn’t very interested/into me at all.

The next week when we went out partying together in a group of friends, I see him kissing one of my friends. They were both drunk. When I saw that I became really confused and hurt. I decided it’s best if I avoided him because I really didn’t want to get hurt. Another thing was that my friend that made out with him told me not to get too close to him because he would end up hurting me. How ironic that she was the one kissing him in front of my face. At the club, my friend saw how hurt I was and went up to talk to him and she told me that he said he thought I was really cute and sexy, but he had already told me he wanted to date around and that our personalities aren’t compatible. And I realized it’s kind of true, our personalities don’t click very well.

Anyways, I kept my distance for a bit, but we would still end up talking for a bit. The next time we got drunk together, he tried to kiss me and get all over me again. I wouldn’t let him and I kinda told him off saying that we’re just friends and how I saw him kissing my friend. He said that she kissed him first. It just made me really upset. So I made it clear that we were just friends.

We would still talk once in a while and even stopped talking for a while. It really bothered me because he knows that I like him, but at the same time I know he can’t give me what I want and I should just get over him.

We hung out in our group of friends for a weekend. It was just me and him and his group of friends. His group of friends like me and consider me one of them – the guys. They always tease me, make fun of me and mess with me. He is the only one who never talks to me or makes an effort to and the only one in his group of friends that doesn’t tease me, mess around with me – for example pull my hair, snap my bra straps, pinch me, pick me up and throw me .. etc. The boys all like to play with me. I noticed I have no problems striking conversation with any of the guys. It’s only him I can’t have a decent conversation with. When we hang out in a group, he’s the only one that doesn’t pay any attention to me.

It’s so weird because he won’t talk to me anymore when we hang out, but when I get too drunk he is the one that takes care of me or makes sure I’m okay. When I’m passed out he will tell me to stand up, he will get me water, rub my back, drive me to his friends to crash, sleep with me – cuddle me to sleep. This time around we were about to sleep and he started touching me and kissing me. Then we started to make out and pretty much was about to hook up, but I stopped him because I was on my period. So we did everything but sex.

The next day he acted so awkward. He wouldn’t really talk to me, strike up conversations with me or really talk to me when I started conversations with him. He acted so cold/distant and uninterested. I really don’t understand. It almost makes me feel like he really dislikes me. It is even more weird because we usually hook up because we’re ‘drunk,’ but he told his friend that he was already sobered up by the time we crashed at his friends house. We went to go eat with our friends the next morning, who are a couple and he can talk to other girls no problem. But with me, nothing. Nothing to say, nothing to talk about. I think he felt really awkward and I tried my best to break the ice, but it didn’t work.

What in the world is he thinking? Does he really dislike me that much and just wanted to use me for sex?

It really makes no sense.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for writing to us.

This guy does not dislike you. He wouldn’t be trying to have sex with you if he disliked you. But unfortunately he’s also not interested in anything more than a drunken hook up.

First of all the drunken hook ups should stop for your sake. Nothing good comes of too much alcohol, and in your case all you’re doing is compromising yourself to be with some guy who isn’t giving you anything but an occasional good time, accompanied by an awkward aftermath and confusing feelings all around. That doesn’t sound worth it to us.

This guy isn’t ready for any type of relationship. He’s pretty much told you that. And if he’s kissing your “friend” in front of you, that should pretty much tell you the story.

Sara, we know you like this guy, but what are you getting from this except for self-doubt and worry?

To answer your question, is he playing you? Inadvertently, yes. What he’s doing is giving you major mixed signals, at least from your standpoint. From ours, he’s doing what many guys do. They say one thing and do another. And when it comes to sex that is very common. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mess with you specifically; it sounds like this is his M.O. in general.

Here is something for you to understand, and for all the women reading this to think about. If a guy has sex with you it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than you were available and willing to have sex with him. It could mean that he’s in love with you, but it can also mean he was just horny. In your case, it sounds like the latter. Sorry.

Sara, if you’re getting so drunk that you’re have trouble standing or are passing out, you’re probably going to be making bad decisions when it comes to guys, and hooking up. Maybe you need to take a look at what you’re doing that’s contributing to your confusion. And take a look at the people you’re hanging out with. We’re not saying you should stop hanging out with them, but maybe you have some other friends that are doing different types of things that don’t always involve lots of alcohol.

Good luck. Respect yourself. You’re worth it.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance?

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?