Category: relationships


The Quivering Lip

Filed Under: Essays, Humor, relationships
Aug.31, 2010

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I made a 86 year old woman cry. Well she didn’t actually cry, her lip just started quivering. It was not an experience I’d like to repeat. Please let me explain.

I made a commitment to myself recently to pursue some things I’ve been wanting to pursue. So in order to do that, I needed to give some other things up. I needed to clear my schedule, which in turn, I hoped would clear my head. I decided that I needed to quit private teaching.

(In my other life I’m a musician.)

When I set out to be a musician, teaching was not part of the plan. I do like it and I’m good at-so they tell me-but that wasn’t my goal. In fact I had just left a classroom teaching gig and the cozy confines of suburbia, combined with a consistent salary, to take on the hard road of a starving artist. I was single at the time, and determined.

Of course what transpired soon after my departure set me veering off course. Within a month of making the decision, I met my wife to be, and six months later we were living together, on track to be engaged and then married. And then ironically enough, I needed an income to pay my share of the bills. Enter teaching Round Two.

So I became a private piano instructor, and later a drum instructor, and started making good money at it. I did this for close to 14 years, until just this summer when I said enough is enough. I really care for my students and like all of them a lot, but I still have my own dreams. And when I’m busy helping everyone else fulfill there’s I find there’s no time left for me. Of course, the real story is, I have three of my own now that I’m busy-and happily-giving to. I just don’t have the energy for more. And then there’s my wife and our relationship to nurture, and of course me.

So fast forward to the fateful moment. Here’s how it went down.

“Flore, I have some bad news.”

She looks scared.

“It looks like I’ll only be teaching through the fall. After that I won’t be able to come to your house anymore.”

Silence.

“What?” she says quietly.

“I said I won’t be able to teach you anymore.”

Her lip starts quivering. My heart goes, “OH NO, SHIT!!!!” And then I backpedal faster than you’ve ever seen anyone EVER backpedal.

“Did I say I couldn’t teach you anymore? I think you didn’t hear me right. I mean I can’t come quite as often. Actually I didn’t even mean that. In fact you know, I mean, since your lessons are during the day, it shouldn’t be a problem at all. Really,  just  forget I ever said anything. I was just kidding. Seriously, my kids are driving me crazy and I’m a little out of mind these days. And you know how it is. You have kids. (Me trying a diversion, while her lip still quivers.) And well, how many grand kids did you say you had??” (And it goes on as I try to convince her it was all a joke. And as I try to get out of there as fast as I can.)

I get home and my wife says, “So how did the Flore thing go?”

I said, “Terribly”

She said, “Well, what did you expect. She’s an old woman. She can’t drive. She doesn’t do much. Her kids live all over the country. And then her piano teacher says he can’t teach her anymore.”

I said, “Jeez, you make me sound like a monster. I already feel like crap about it. And anyway, it looks like I’ll be teaching her forever. I just didn’t have the heart to go through with it.”

She said, “I didn’t think you would.”

And so that’s how I made an octogenarian’s lip quiver. I don’t recommend it.

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The social networking trap

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Essays, guys, relationships
Aug.25, 2010

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago. I love it! Of course this irritates my wife to no end. She says, “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys, talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick. We like  having the work  done for us. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s ever so painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men, at insurmountable odds, under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd, that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more miscommunications via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many of these situations arose because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, humor are all lost when the written word isn’t carefully laid on the screen; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person is truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or just recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body. But I’m hoping I’m making some progress as my years tick away on this planet.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical, but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or one of my kids, is that they should feel like the only person in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.

What do you use social networks for?
How do you like to communicate?
Should relationships be conducted via social networks?

Check out podcast #8! On this site, and on itunes. Subscribe!

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The social networking trap

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Ideas, relationships
Aug.14, 2010

Written by Sai, aka “One of the Guys”

I discovered texting two years ago and now I hardly ever talk on the phone. Of course this irritates my wife to no end. “Why do we have to text three times back and forth when we can just talk on the phone?” She has a good point. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s just texting doesn’t take me out of my frame of mind; whether I’m at work, or in a meeting, or hanging out with the guys. Talking on the phone requires me to shift gears, and these days, I prefer an automatic.

I think most people these days prefer to glide effortlessly through social situations, eschewing the joy and challenge of a clutch and a stick, and instead enjoying the work being done for them. And boy have we all gotten lazy.

THE GUYS and I have gotten countless questions recently about troubles that have occurred on Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites. We’re horrified that relationships are being conducted through the internet in front of a gawking crowd. No wonder the fall is so hard. Rejection is bad enough, but when there’s an angry mob watching it’s even more painful. Because social networking sites bring to mind ancient Roman times filled with gladiators fighting all sorts of beasts and men at insurmountable odds; under the considerable duress of a fickle crowd that turns as easily as baking bread.

Let’s consider email, which surfaced some ten or more years ago. Like most people I took to it like a fly on fruity paper. What a time saver! And so easy! And keeping in touch with people was now easier than ever. Slowly the number of my phone messages dwindled as my inbox grew and grew. What fun!

But a strange thing began to happen. I started having more and more problems with communication via email. Arguments, disagreements, worries about job inquiries, even friendships lost! Many because tone, inflection, emphasis, sarcasm, and  humor all get lost when the written word isn’t carefully crafted; instead emails are often dry, monotone messages that are ripe for misinterpretation.

And oh how easy it was, and is, for me to rifle off a quick response without taking a moment to just sit and try to figure out what I truly want to say-or try to think what the person was truly trying to say. And this is the bunny that keeps on ticking because I keep making the same mistake over and over. Some things take a lifetime to unlearn.

I have a lot of Facebook friends from many different generations. I love having friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and with various degrees of life experience. But I’m amazed at some of the pictures and words that are being flung out in the world. I mean “Really!?? Is fame, or the scant idea of fame-or recognition-that important?” When I see these notes and images I don’t comment, but I want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these people and say, “Repeat after me. It’s not worth it! It’s not worth it.”

Sure, we all do stupid things. I’m no different. I’ve done countless things that I wish I could reel in and tuck away in my own little-but getting bigger- private fishing tackle box; one that might be buried or burned with me when I no longer need this body.

Relationships aren’t automatic. They are difficult mazes that require commitment every day in order to thrive and grow. They need to be watered, fed and nurtured by everyone involved; and a little love and naughty fun thrown in for good measure doesn’t hurt.

Facebook, My Space and other social sites can’t provide that kind of sustenance. They create a mirage of a full course meal that people crave, but only deliver an empty appetizer devoid of nutritional value. No wonder Corn Syrup has made such an inroad into our staple diet. We don’t even recognize the enemy when they’re knocking on our door, because we love easy. We love things gift-wrapped. We love automatics!

It’s time we all shift gears and get off the computer. You laugh because you know I’m typing this on my keyboard. But life is ironic, and people are hypocritical; but you can’t tell that by what you’re reading here. You don’t really know how serious I am-I’m very serious-and that I truly mean all the things I’m writing even if I’m using the very medium I’m criticizing. I never said the computer was evil, just that it isn’t going to help us conduct our relationships and help us foster new ones.

Computers can make life much easier, but when it comes to relationships it makes things much harder. It’s creating more work and more ambiguity in our lives, and then requiring more energy from us to deal with the problems and sort them out. It’s a lot easier to just take care of business with someone over dinner, lunch or tea. And there’s nothing like hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth.

One thing I try to remind myself of as I’m sitting across the dinner table from my wife, or a friend, or my kids, is that they should feel like the only one in my universe at that very moment. When I feel the vibration of a text coming in-yes for some reason I still have my phone on me, which is another problem for another time- I have to resist the urge to respond. The message will be waiting for me when I am finished with a pleasant dinner, hopefully devoid of sugary syrup, but definitely topped off with some dark chocolate.

And that’s the beauty of technology.
How do you think technology fits into personal relationships?

How do you use it?

What do you like about it?

What do you dislike about it?

Where do you think it’s headed?

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What does he want?

Filed Under: Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships
Aug.05, 2010

Dear Guys,

So I’m 18 and so is this guy. I work with him and he asked for my number. We’ve been texting/talking for about 5 days now. He always asks sexual joking questions and always texts me 1st. I was thinking he was a player but he’ll also talk to me about personal stuff.  And when I did tell him to go talk to an airhead (blank) girl instead, he was like nahhh. So I don’t get him. What does he want? Please and thank you!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing.

What does he want? He wants you. It’s pretty clear.

We realize this young man is 18, but that still doesn’t excuse his behavior. Since when can’t a guy pick up the phone and actually call- NOT text-and be direct??!!

“Hey Blake. Would you like to go out to dinner?”

or

“Hey Blake. I’d like to take you out.”

Guys have fallen into this bad habit of going for a sure thing. They nibble and they prod, hoping to get the answer they need before they take the plunge. Guys of all ages do this.  But there is no such thing as a sure thing. Life is risky, and this guy needs to step up to the plate and take a real swing.

So to answer your question, yes he likes you, but if he continues this game playing, because it surely is just that, do you really want to deal?

Good luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a question for THE GUYS drop us a line. We’ll do our best to give you our opinion, either on our blog or our podcast, or both!

Go to the Ask the Guys page.

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Will guys date single moms?

Filed Under: Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships
Aug.03, 2010

Dear Guys,

I’m a 24-year-old single mother of one child, and am interested in a guy who is in his late twenties, never married, and has no kids. I am currently a student intern where he is employed, so we have similar educational backgrounds and related professions. I will be finishing my internship soon, and would like to get a feel for whether or not he would be interested in getting to know each other after I am done. I’m concerned that he would be overwhelmed by the fact that I have a child. I’m not looking for a father-figure for my son necessarily since he has a great relationship with his biological father (we simply are not right for each other), but more so for companionship and someone to make sure that I take the time to have fun once in awhile. He seems to live kind of a bachelor lifestyle; however, in speaking to him it seems that this is because his life right now is able to afford him one. Do you have any good tips to see if he might be interested too? Also, what is your guy’s take on dating a single mom?
Thanks for your help!

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for writing. We’re sure there are plenty of other single moms, and dads, wondering the same things. We’ll just speak for THE GUYS here.

Hopefully this guy will decide to date you or not, based on who you are as a person, not the fact that you have a child. However, dating a woman with kids is not the first choice of most guys, especially guys who’ve never been married before, or who don’t have their own children. But each person is different, so nothing ventured nothing gained.

This guy is in his twenties, so he’s still a young man. He SHOULD be living the bachelor life because that’s what most guys in their twenties do, whether they have money or not. But this doesn’t mean he couldn’t fall for you, it just means he’ll be faced with a decision that he might not be ready to make. Does he really want to be a father figure right away? (It doesn’t matter that you aren’t looking for a daddy for your child. The fact is, you have a child, and whoever enters your life will have to embrace that to some degree in order to be with you.)

It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your ex which is great for your son. It’s also easier for a guy to walk into a situation that’s positive rather than dealing with a hostile and combative situation. We commend you for that.  But the truth is, having a child and an ex, could scare this guy away. (It would scare a lot of guys away.)

But many couples run into obstacles that are difficult. Religion. Ethnicity. Class. All of these have been known to create confusion and conflict. In fact anytime two people come from different backgrounds or have different experiences, there’s more of a chance of potential conflicts.

But even with potential issues out of the gate, this guy might not care. Here are a few reasons that guys in general might be open to dating a women with kids.

1. If a guy is super attracted to you he won’t care if you have a child. Or if he finds you fascinating.  Just make sure his intentions are true. Be careful.

2. If a guy has been married before. Or has a kid of his own. Now you both have similar experiences and the playing field is even.

3. If he’s just a cool guy who’s very secure with himself. This is a stretch for guys in their 20s but it’s possible. You’re more likely to find this with a slightly older guy in their 30s or 40s or older certainly. But it doesn’t hurt to explore all your options.

So that’s it in a nutshell. We hope we haven’t scared you off. If you’re into this guy, we say go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose really. But our biggest tip to you is be direct. Invite him over for dinner. If that scares him off, well he’s not the right guy for you anyway.

Hope this makes sense. Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

If you have a relationship question, drop us a line on the Ask The Guys page. We’ll answer here or on our podcast.

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That butterfly feeling

Filed Under: Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships
Jul.30, 2010

Dear Guys,

Short bio about me (to get the best picture): 24, student, decently attractive brunette, in pretty good shape, smart (sometimes can be too smart for my own good), thoughtful of others, sarcastic, and get along with most everyone, no enemies, & I’m sure ya hear this a lot, but I am not your typical woman- I mean that in the sense that I am very laid back, not caddy like most, don’t easily get jealous, and won’t breathe down your neck, etc. It’s actually one of the most common comments I hear from the fellows. I do over think things and can be suspicious like most women, but the only people that know that I even feel that way are my close girlfriends that I share those thoughts with. Guys never suspect it. I’ve always been the faithful relationship type since early HS, but I haven’t had much luck lately in the last few years. I seem to most often attract or am attracted to the guys that are unavailable-whether it’s emotionally, physically, in a relationship already, commitment issues, not at that point in their life, and have even had a few stalkers…unavailable nonetheless. Have had a fair share of offers lately, but none that I was really interested in; mostly from “boys” just looking to have a casual good time with a pretty girl- not really my thing. More interested in sharing my company with a man- more mature, looking for long term, no game playing, a real honest gentleman. Not really asking a lot. You could say it’s been a little while since I’ve had those butterfly feelings for a guy.

The story: Met someone yesterday, at Goodwill of all places, he was actually volunteering by choice (yes, that story pans out). He was my age, good looking, in grad-school, was very gentleman-like, mature, smiled a lot- seemed to have pretty much every quality important to me and gave me the vibe as being at that stage where he was ready to meet someone seriously. I even noticed he was nervous (hand was a little shaky, clearing his throat) he actually dropped a book and was a little embarrassed- it was extremely adorable! I felt equally nervous and actually got the butterfly feeling for the first time in a really long time. I felt like I could say or do something so stupid at any moment. We had a decent conversation and a few laughs. When he needed to go back to work, he told me that he really would like to take me out soon and asked for my info; I gave him my contact info and said I would really like that. No games, no playing hard to get- just straight and to the point. I left shortly after, and not even an hour later, he sent me a text to affirm his intentions of taking me out and wanting to get to know me. I playfully joked about how quickly he texted me, sent a smiley face, and said I would really like that. He responded “Haha, well I have no reason to hesitate,” I said I agreed and that I was just giving him a hard time.

*THIS is where I start getting confused. He says, “Oooohhhh, you’re one of those girls.” I am thinking he is being playful back at this point. I ask him “Haha, What kind of girl is that?” and he says, “I can’t say.” I attempt to playfully continue the conversation (1 msg), but I’m left in silence after that. After an hour of nothing said in return, I start to think I said something wrong or maybe he misunderstood me. So I just calmly break the silence and say “Well, I am hoping that wasn’t implied in a negative way. Anyway, I would definitely be interested in going out sometime soon and getting to know you.” There wasn’t a response back and nor did I say anything else for the rest of the night.

This is the first time in a really long time that this has happened to me, but you could say that my brain has officially been ninja’d. I have tried not to think about it, but the scenario keeps playing over and over in my head and am so confused. By 3 PM today, I still had not heard from him, I didn’t want to be the one to text but I’m really not up for game playing, so I gave myself an excuse to go ahead and text him. I just said, “Hey there. I don’t know if you will be volunteering at Goodwill today, but I am about to stop by there here in a little bit to check out an old book on travel that I saw yesterday for a friend since they don’t get off work until 10.” 30 minutes later he replied, “Hey lady. No not volunteering, I took my boat out to the lake today. ;-) But I will take you up on going out soon.” (Which I’m also confused about, because he has seemed to turn the tables on me…don’t really know the point of doing that). So I just replied, “Oh, very nice! I’ll be doing that myself this coming weekend. Well have fun, and I will talk to you later then. :) ” And that’s it.

Could you maybe give me some insight on what exactly is going on in this scenario. I guess I am just confused on why a guy that couldn’t wait even an hour after I left to contact me, and was physically nervous when talking to me, is now all of a sudden kind of giving me the cold shoulder…? I have been out of the dating game for a little while and am obviously a little rusty. Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Thanks for writing.

First of all, congrats on that butterfly feeling again. That’s a lot of fun. And it sounds like he felt it too.

The rest…well, that’s a bummer. OK, first of all, texting, emailing and “Facebooking” are always ripe for problems. Without being able to read body language or hear inflections in the voice, etc. the words are open for interpretation or misinterpretation. And that’s where problems occur. This is exactly what’s happened in your case. By him. And then by you.

By his reaction he’s obviously had some bad experience with a certain type of woman he defines as, “One of those girls.” That alone shows a major lack of maturity and experience though. (We know you said he was totally cool.) But to stereotype someone before you even go on a date, joking or not, is a red flag. Or it could just be the text thing again.

So here’s our advice. Sit on it. Do not text him again. And do not let him reverse this. He should pursue you, period. Don’t go to the store. Don’t do anything. If nothing happens, chalk it up to a lesson learned. Or maybe chalk it up to bad luck. Or maybe chalk it up to, “I thought it was great, but it really wasn’t.”

If he does call and it gets weird again, bag it. Really, it’s not worth it. If you do go out, temper your excitement, and just see how it goes. It might all work itself out, but take it one step at a time.

Listen Lindsay, you sound like a cool girl, who’s got her stuff together. There are plenty of cool guys out there, who will appreciate you even if you are “one of those girls.” (Just kidding.) And what the hell does that even mean, “one of those girls???”

And as far as we’re concerned,  it’s okay if you “overthink” things occasionally, or are a bit suspicious of guys. We’ve earned our reputation. But try to keep an open mind. We’re not all like that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Maybe you should go after a nerd? Just sayin’!

To ask THE GUYS a question, drop us a line on the “Ask the Guys” page on this website.

We also answer questions on our podcast. Check it out on “Podcast” page or on itunes. And we’ll be coming soon to Zune as well.

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The Marriage Corner

Filed Under: Essays, relationships
Jul.24, 2010

Written by Sai, “One of the Guys”

When we moved into our house seven years ago, my wife asked a friend of ours to come over and give us tips on how to arrange our possessions using the principles of Feng Shui. For those of you who don’t know what that is, “Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese system of space arrangement according to special rules of energy, aimed at achieving harmony with the environment.” Don’t worry I had no clue what it was either at the time.  But my wife was hell bent on it, so I went with it. It certainly wasn’t going to hurt.

One of things I learned from our friend is that we have a marriage corner in our yard. A place that represents our bond to each other. A place we ought to nurture in order to keep the positive energy flowing in our relationship. Honestly, I hardly ever think about it. (I mean the actual place in our yard.) I have too much other yard work to to take care of. But recently my wife broke a rib(bummer), so I promised her I would pull up some particularly stubborn weeds from many places in our lawn including our marriage corner.

I procrastinated. Pulling weeds was not necessarily at the top of my list of fun things to do. But once I got started I realized that I kind of liked it. It was mindless, hard work, almost meditative, and I was really accomplishing something; something I could measure. I pull. Weeds are gone. Place looks tidy. Done.

But all this weed pulling also made me realize that our marriage corner had really gone to pot. And then of course it got me thinking about my marriage itself. Had I forgotten to pull out the weeds there too? Had I forgotten to water the flowers, or for that matter, had I forgotten to even plant flowers in the last few years? All that hard manual labor made me realize that I needed to tend to our “garden” a bit more than I had been.

Life is very busy. It’s easy to get distracted by our “To do Lists” and other mundane activities. And forget it if you have kids. I have three! But I realize that I still need to be mindful of my marriage and not take it for granted. Sure, there are periods where my wife and I are busy doing what needs to be done, but even a small acknowledgment each day goes a very long way.

I’m sure in a few months I’ll look out on our yard, and realize that once again I need to weed, tidy and cut. But hopefully I won’t allow that much time to to go by without weeding my own relationship. Because tending to a marriage corner might be great for Feng Shui purposes, but the best way to increase positive energy is to actually just do it directly.

And honestly, if I do that, I doubt it matters where I put the damn furniture!

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Guy trips, My Space, and that other girl

Filed Under: Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships
Jul.23, 2010

Dear Guys,

My husband takes an annual celebrity golf trip where no wives are supposed to go. He has told me there is nothing much for us to do. While up there, the men get all meals paid for, comps to strip clubs if they want, and are transported  to local bars in limos everywhere.

The last trip he made before we dated/got married, as this was in the same year, a female friend known to be provocative and an attention grabber, had just broken up again with her fiance and was in the area with six of her friends. She called my now husband and partied with them for about six hours. This same woman left a message on his My Space page when she did know we were dating and about to be engaged. She wrote, “You’re alone, and so am I..  And no engagement is going to change that.. Let’s go out and party one last time before we both walk down the aisle of hell”.

I asked him to take down his page, which he did, and he has also not gone to the golf tournament either. She knows when it is every year and according to my husband, he says there are only six bars in Buffalo anyway, so they would have run into them at some point anyway.. And did I mention this chick hooked up with one of the guys? Am I wrong to ask him to take down his My Space when he is 40 and she was 27 when it happened? Yes it is a trust issue.

This woman left other comments as well to make me think she wanted him. That in conjunction with her behavior made me uneasy. My husband says if he saw her out up there he would leave the bar she was at. I don’t know. He thinks I am wrong because this happened before we were married. And dare I mention that this same chick went out with them to a strip club and had a 40 minute lap dance while he was at a bachelor party? Again another place and time where wives and girlfriends didn’t go.

What do you think?

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for writing. This is a lot to absorb. We’ll do our best to help you figure this out.

We’re not exactly sure what’s going on by your note, but here’s what we think you’re asking. Should he have taken down his My Space page? Should he not have any interaction with this woman? Or should he not go to any more of these “golf” weekends? Or all of the above?

First of all, this is absolutely a trust issue, mainly on your part. So why are you feeling so unsure about your husband?  Since you’ve been married has your husband given you any reason to doubt his faithfulness? You don’t really say. Jennifer, what happened before you two were exclusive is really none of your business. Well, that’s not totally true, but it’s only your business if it impacts your relationship. Otherwise it’s just part of the many experiences that make your husband who he is. And that’s someone you love, right?

We agree, this woman seems like bad news, at least for your relationship. We don’t know her personally, so she might be a perfectly fine person, but she’s obviously attracted to your husband, or she’s attracted to the fact that he’s not available to her. Either way, he needs to stay away from her and make it clear to her that he’s not interested and not available. Hopefully she’ll get the hint and keep her distance.

Otherwise it doesn’t seem like your husband is really doing anything wrong. Of course many woman wouldn’t be comfortable with him going on a weekend outing, visiting strip clubs, and doing what some guys like to do, but if that’s not a problem for you, it’s not something that’s inherently wrong. As long as he’s not doing anything more than looking and hollering.

His My Space doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s more a matter of WHY he has one, wouldn’t you say? If he’s trolling for women or keeping his options open, that’s a major problem. But if he’s there to socialize a bit or promote his band, or just because it’s fun, it’s probably harmless enough.

So the the question is, do you trust him?

Jennifer, you two need to have a sit down and hash all this stuff out with him. It will put your mind at ease, and help him understand where you’re coming from. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. You’re entitled to your feelings, but don’t put him on the defensive. Let him have his say too.

Good luck and keep us posted. We hope you get the answers you need.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. To ask THE GUYS a question, go to the “Ask the Guys” page and leave us a note.

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More than friends?

Filed Under: Relationship Advice: Question/Answer, relationships
Jul.21, 2010

Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy that I like. He’s a little bit younger than me, but we’re pretty much on the same maturity level. He acts kind of flirty with me – in my opinion- he’s always touching me – on the arm, my back, my side, anywhere – and he’s constantly making sexual references or even references to us possibly having kids in the future. He’ll often ditch his guys to hang out with me for hours and he’s really sweet. When he’s around them, that’s when he’s more sexual. It seems like he’s flirting but here’s the thing, he’s also one of my good friends.

Where does the friendship end and the flirting begin? And if he doesn’t like me, how do I get him to tone it down?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for writing. Your situation, although tricky, is not that uncommon. Becoming romantically involved with someone who has always just been a friend can actually be a natural progression. It’s not always the way it works, but if it does progress that way, you may end up with an ideal partner; someone you love, who is also your best friend.

The question becomes, how do you let this guy know you want something more? Or do you wait until he decides he wants something more?

Relationships always involve some sort of risk. Often it’s an emotional risk, like a broken heart. In your case, you also risk losing a close friend if it doesn’t work out. Is that worth it to you? This is something you have to decide. For us, love seems worth the risk. But that’s just us.

This guy is definitely into you, or he’s playing huge mind games with you. Touching you, ditching his friends, making sexual references and talking about having kids with you, are all signs that he wants more from you than just friendship. But it also sounds like he’s afraid to take the leap into that unknown place full of risk, which is kind of lame from our point of view. However that’s the way it goes sometime. So guess what Kayla. It sounds like it’s going to be up to you to take the leap. Someone has to. (This is very similar to the advice we gave in our last post. See our answer.)

You don’t say how old you are so we can’t give you advice on the best way to approach him. But being direct has always worked for us. It’s fast and it’s clear. And if it works out, it will be great. If it doesn’t, it will be over quickly and you can start moving on.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it works out.

Yours,

THE GUYS

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Bob the Vegan: BBQ Sauce

Filed Under: Humor, Relationship Humor, Relationship Humor: Bob the Vegan, relationships
Jul.19, 2010

While THE GUYS are regrouping a bit this summer, we’re posting some of the highlights from the “Bob the Vegan” series. Enjoy.

This was the third episode.

Episode 1: We introduce Bob and Torrie. He becomes a vegan.

Episode 2: Bob is having a hard time. He gets revenge with the lawn mower.

And now, Episode 3: (George is one of his best buddies.)

Bob is home. He calls up George.

George: Hello!

Bob: George, I just can’t take it any more!

George: Bob, is that you?

Bob: Yes, it’s me and I just  can’t do it.

George: Hold on, slow down a minute. What are you talking about?

Bob: I’ve been cheating. Cheating on Torrie.

George: What do you mean cheating? How could you?

Bob: I don’t mean with other women. I mean eating. The other day I had a hot dog and today I had ribs. In fact I just finished a huge plate of ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

George: Oh that Vegan thing. Well I don’t blame you. No one but you could have lasted even this long. I could never do it. What are you going to say to Torrie?

Bob: You mean I have to tell Torrie? She’ll break up with me for sure if I tell her.

George: Well, if you don’t tell her, she’s going to find out anyway.

Bob: But, how’s she going to find out?

George: Women always find out. You know that, right?

Bob: Well what should I do?

George: Besides being honest?

Bob: Yeah.

George: I have no idea.

Bob: C’mon George, help me!

George: Well let me think…Hmmm…….. Only one thing comes to mind.

Bob: Tell me. Please!!

George: Well, back a few years I was friends with this guy. He told me about a time he was dating two girls at once.

Bob: Sounds like a scoundrel. I would never do that.

George: Yes, he was a total scoundrel in many ways. That’s why we’re not friends anymore. Anyway, he says he was dating these two girls. Girl # 1 and Girl # 2. Well that’s how he described them. One night he told Girl #1 he was going to play poker with his buddies, but he was really going to the movies with Girl #2.

Bob: Sounds like trouble.

George: Doesn’t it? Anyway, while leaving the theater with Girl # 2 he saw Girl #1 also leaving the same theater. He couldn’t believe his bad luck. He tried to sneak away without her seeing him, but it was not to be. Somehow they made eye contact.

Bob: Uh,oh. Busted.

George: You would think. But he said when Girl #1 confronted him later, he just kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Every time she accused him or yelled or cried he kept repeating, “It wasn’t me.” Finally after days of this, he wore her down until she believed him.

Bob: Well that’s just wrong.

George: I know but he swears it worked.The key is to say it with conviction. And never, ever waver, no matter what happens.

Bob: We’ll I’m not sure how that……..

Doorbell rings. Bob panics.

Bob: George, I gotta run. Torrie’s here. I gotta rinse the BBQ sauce out of my mouth and find some gum.Thanks for listening.

George: Good luck.

Bob answers the door in a minute.

Bob: Hi Honey

Torrie: Hi. What took you so long?

Bob: Oh, I was just in the bathroom.

They hug and kiss lightly. Torrie comes in and sits down at the kitchen table across from Bob.

Bob: It’s great to see you. You look amazing!

Torrie: Thanks that’s sweet……..You know Bob, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been having some trouble recently and I think some of it is my fault. You’ve been so great about this Vegan thing. Most guys would have said forget it. But you stuck with me even though it was hard. As you know, I haven’t always picked the nicest of guys and I’ve had some bad luck too. You’re such a breath of fresh air. So supportive, loving and honest. Let’s just forget the Vegan thing. I can see you’re not a pig like the rest of the guys I’ve dated, so why don’t you go ahead and eat whatever you’d like.

Bob: Really? You mean that?

Torrie: I do. And not only that. Up til now I haven’t really opened up to you. But I see how wonderful you are. I really can trust you. So I plan on making you a very happy man.

Bob: Wow, I’m speechless.

Torrie goes over to Bob. She stops.

Torrie: What’s that on your shirt?

Bob: What?

Torrie: That stain. It looks like BBQ sauce?

Bob: What stain?

Torrie: That stain, right there.

She points.

Bob: Uhh, well, that’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Well what is it? It sure looks like BBQ sauce.

Bob: It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re lying to me.

Bob: No. It’s not BBQ sauce.

Torrie: Bob, you’re a terrible liar. Have you been cheating this whole time?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What did you say?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: What are you talking about?

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob, stop saying that. That makes no sense.

Bob:  It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Oh my god, you are really being annoying.

Bob: It wasn’t me.

Torrie: Bob if you don’t shut up with that “It wasn’t me” crap, I’m going to scream.
Is that BBQ sauce or not?

Bob:(braces himself) It wasn’t me.

Torrie: You really are a milquetoast, you know that. Goodbye Bob. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.

Bob: Torrie, no!!!! It wasn’t me!!

Torrie, leaves……..

Coming soon: We answer more relationship questions. And our next podcast will be a week from today!

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