I love Marine with all my heart and even though he tries to be perfect I know that he’s not. No one is. If we were in your situation I would try to forgive but I’m not sure I could ever forget. Trust be something hard to have again.

Your wife deserves a medal! I know how hard it must have been for both of you. Thanks for sharing!

@Dorothy, be assured that I do not take my wife’s forgiveness for granted. She and I have been through hell and back, not just with this issue, but with multiple others. She is an incredibly strong person and her ability to stick with me through this is something that is tangibly present every day of my life and I feel incredibly blessed to have her as my wife. I won’t do into details, but will reassert that I literally owe her my life. Others have not been so lucky.

@stugod, if you haven’t considered going to therapy and/or joining a 12-step program, I strongly encourage you to. I regret not getting into program earlier than I did. I still remember the day, a couple of years before all hell broke loose, where I had identified my behavior as an addiction and actually saw a website for sex addiction program. I was too afraid to go. If I had, I could have saved a whole lot of hurt. Regret that I didn’t. Also, if you go to therapy, make sure you select one that specializes in this stuff. My first therapist, again before all hell broke loose, didn’t (not sure how she didn’t) see the pattern and direct me to recovery. Even if you think you have it under control now, you should be wary of relapses. Get some help. Same advice would apply to ladies as well. Plenty of females in recovery for this stuff too.

@Kelly, being in denial is part and parcel of the symptoms here. Most people doing this are decent/intelligent/wonderful people, but have some intense brain partionining going on where this secret stuff is like a seperate personality in the clinical sense. When the wall seperating the two selves collapses, the trauma to the psyche is not small as the integration process begins. You have to rebuild from scratch to some extent.

Congrats on making it work with your wife. I know that it’s an uphill battle but totally worth it!

Oh and small side note I agree with Ashley, I believe a woman is more likely to forgive a man for cheating than the other way around.

Thanks again for the post.

I have always been a supporter of anyone that is trying to better themselves and the same rings for anyone with any type of addiction.

In this case…your wife should be writing down her thoughts and when she feels ready….sharing them with you. You mention that you do not know how she forgave you…this is actually pretty important. To take this hurdle for granted is something you might want to change. Forgive me for dictating…but as I read your story that point stood out the most.

In any trust breach…in order to mend it…both partners must be willing to commit to a move forward. You either forgive it or you forget it. There are only tow answers to mending broken trust issues.

I cannot imagine it has been easy for either of you as you both have your own issues to deal with…the bottom line is that you are working together and that itself is the glue that will hold your relationship together.

Good Luck on your recovery~

The main point I want to make is forgiveness is possible but it is a work in progress. There is no set timeframe for forgiveness as it is a process, not a feeling and it takes commitment from both people.

Mr. Nice Guy, good luck. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience. A brave thing to do and I appreciate it.

Peace be your journey

I’ve never experienced cheating on as strong a level of commitment as a marriage. I have been cheated on though, and I took him back. It was a huge mistake on my part, because in no way did this guy want to change. The experience turned me into one of those women that snoops through emails and text messages, and becomes paranoid that if he doesn’t answer his phone he must be cheating on me. It was a dark period in my life. I learned something from the experience though. Even though I stayed with him, I never fully forgave him, so in my mind he was always guilty. It turns out he really was guilty, and cheated on me two months later, but the bottom line was that I was also in the wrong, and the relationship was doomed. He didn’t respect me, and I didn’t trust him.

I wish you luck in your marriage, and I hope that closeness you share never waivers.

@Pat, I’m actually a huge fan of Tiger’s, now more so than ever. I think he’ll be the butt of jokes for quite a while, and deservedly so perhaps, but I predict he’ll be back on top someday. He’s a canonical case of the “split personality” that comes with sex addiction. There is the Tiger everyone knew and loved and the secret Tiger who was not being true to himself, desperately seeking in the shadows to patch an unfillable void in his soul.

@askcherlock, thanks for the George Burns anecdote. My wife and I are definitely going to make it. We’ve been through a lot together and even though this was *huge* there have been other huge things too that have strengthened our bond. We have a good marriage and (not but) we realize that struggle/arguments/conflict are necessary ingredients. We just try not to self-generate too much of it. Day-to-day life provides enough itself on its own.

I think I would have a very hard time forgiving my wife if she ever cheated on me. And maybe that’s my ego talking as Ashley mentioned earlier.

Guys care less about the emotional betrayal and much more about the physical one. Well, I guess I can only speak for me. The thought of someone else with my wife just gets my blood boiling thinking about it.

But, having said that, I admire your wife for her ability to forgive, and I applaud you for your ability to make a change. And for your thoughtful and well written post. Thanks!

I don’t want to sound bitter (but honesty is brutal sometimes). I was in your wife’s position, and I have a child from that relationship. I so loved him, and did everything I could to work on our relationship. Ashley was speaking the gospel.

I kept doing the “why aren’t I good enough.” I was 24, engaged, and we were living together. I’m sure you know the scenario – He’d cheat, I’d find out (sometimes in the most embarrassing of ways), I’d say we are through, he’d cry and beg me not to dump him, I’d take him back, after a few weeks or months of good behavior the cycle started over again.

You have no idea what this did to my self image and sense of worth. I used to tell myself I was too fat, black, and ugly for anyone else to want. I used to think I couldn’t do any better than him. Finally, I hit a wall. Enough was enough.

Now I’m 43, have two grown children any parent would be proud of, and am secure in myself as a mother, person, and woman. I’ve long rediscovered my sensual self, and am pursuing my dream (to be a full time writer). I look back at that time in my life as a back door blessing. I was forced to face myself, and found I’m a damn good catch.

(You know GUYS these posts are starting to feel like therapy, I’m dreading the bill)

There was a story years ago told by George Burn’s wife Gracie. She said that one day he came home with a beautiful set of sliver for her dining room table. She knew that he had cheated on her. Neither spoke of it, but she never got anymore silver. He loved her forever.

These posts though, I must admit are difficult for me to read.

Nothing is black and white (Post 1) suppose there is some one you’ve been in love with your ENTIRE life and you can’t stand the thought of ever being without them or wishing with your whole heart THEY were the one you were wrapped in forever with? BUT, you are married to some one else. Is it still that wrong? Are you still a ‘whore’?

I do not believe for one fucking second that bullshit line ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’ What if there was only one? And never EVER another?

Every circumstance is different, anyway you look at it, it blows ass.

I believe that it is easier for a woman to forgive a man for cheating, than for a man to forgive a woman. Men it’s a pride thing and you want to kill the bastard that had the balls to touch YOUR wife. Women are hurt and want to understand what they weren’t doing well enough to make you happy.

Okay, you officially depressed me and I’m mad at you. *Crazy Brunette sticks her tongue out at the GUYS*