@Barbara………Like we said, until we’re walking in your shoes, or anyone’s shoes, we can’t say what’s right or wrong for you or anyone! We’re glad you and your husband are still going strong! Thanks for sharing your very personal thoughts.

I don’t condone cheating with emotional reasons, because that is wrong. You might as well leave the person you are with if you have lost feeling for them. I think with me at the times it happened it was more experimenting for fun than anything else. And since it never went very far it stayed superficial.

It’s wonderful to say that you are against cheating of any kind, even mentally, but to be honest, I have only wanted one man to be with me for the rest of my life and I realized that when for health reasons I almost lost him. But I had stopped my experimenting at least ten years earlier when I realized I would never find anyone like him and why keep looking.

I think it’s hard for women, because men are always coming on to us whether we are married or not. So I also would never judge anyone either. However, women who have children with someone else did not think that through at all!!

Cheating as in any action really is a one mans/womens opinion. Meaning everyone deems the level of cheating differently.
What one person will see as flirting , another will take as a very serious issue.
There are partners that will ask first and foremost…do you love her/him or was it just sex?
We have partners that engage in extra marital affairs as long as each partner is in agreement. Even partners that agree as long as they never hear about it…what they do not know does not hurt.

Yikes…I can go on and on with the different levels of …is this considered cheating?

Bottom line …it is what breaches a commitment and trust that is what will in the end be found guilty of cheating.

Again another loaded topic

We are a very diverse species…and with that …there really is no one set book of values~

I think that any physical contact an constitute cheating, but I also think that many “cyber relationships” are also cheating because they do have people taking time away from their partner and sharing things with someone else that should be shared with the partner. As I read my reply, I guess I am really a zero tolerance for cheating kind of woman.

@Suburban Guy…….thanks dude! (Readers….of course he’s one of the guys, not to be confused with “One of The Guys!”

Cheating is taking it off the mental page, sneaking around, and acting on it behind your partner’s back. I think it’s the dishonesty that is most damaging. As others have pointed out, if you have an “open relationship,” and aren’t sneaking around to get those other “needs” met, then it’s not “cheating.” It’s playing by the rules of that particular relationship, and it’s fine – so long as EVERYONE involved understands what those rules are and is happy with the game.

@Meleah……….Hey OLD SCHOOL girl! You’re not alone with that type of thinking. We’ve gotten every type of response here. Fascinating! Your story of your brother and his soon to be ex resonates with us. So many times the person who’s the accuser is secretly doing exactly what they are accusing the other person of. The best defense is often an offensive campaign.

“People who cheat has everything to do with them, and who they are, and how they were raised, or weren’t raised, or what experiences have shaped them, and little to do with the person they are cheating on.”

My brother has been married for seven years and his wife CONSTANTLY used to accuse HIM of cheating. Of course, she blamed it on her insecurities because my brother would NEVER cheat. As it turns out, my now soon to be EX sister in law was the one who was doing all the cheating.

I am an OLD SCHOOL die hard romantic, and I think even FLIRTING can be considered cheating. However, I am NOT the jealous or possessive type!

To me, if you feel love then you cant even think of being with another person and if you do, then is what you feel for your partner love and care, or just emotional dependence?

The worst thing about cheating is the cheater deprives the cheatee of the chance to find a real connection.

Whether the couple is married or not has no bearing, when two people committ to building a relationship, they commit to caring and creating a solid union but too many people dont actually understand what commitment is.

Real relationship commitment is an agreement to work on the partnership, to build it, to set standards in the relationship and to abide by those standards and set actions to take if those standards are compromised or broken (so many people dont follow through on actions to take, they stay hoping things will get better). But many couples dont think about what commitment is, and if they are qualified to take it on.

We make excuses for cheating when really, we’re just not ready to be in a relationship.

Interesting topic, thanks for posting!

Terrific post and great subject, Guys.

@Naughtie………..I agree that deceit is what often leads to hurt feelings or worse. Although, I don’t think I would be comfortable in an open type of arrangement, (I am a one woman type of guy), I think it’s fine if both parties TRULY agree on the terms. My problem with that type of arrangement is that both parties have to be completely honest with themselves. Is this something I really am fine with? I would say, most often, it doesn’t really work for both parties.
I’m sorry that you were so betrayed in your relationship. You certainly deserve to have someone who is 100% committed to you and the relationship. We think you’re awesome!!

@Lovy………I think you’ve explained it very well. I get it. But what I said above to Naughtie Scribe holds true in your case. It’s my contention that one party is often not being honest with themselves when confronted with non-traditional types of partnerships. I’ve been in relationships where I said, “Sure, I don’t mind this or that, but I actually did.” Why did I say it? For fear of losing them. Of course that was a long time ago. At some point I decided I was going to be completely real with myself and my partner. But if you are able to be with people who have the same attitude towards sex and relationships as you, I say great!! What works for one couple doesn’t have to work for another. We define our own relationships. So all the power to ya!!

@Chris J……………Mr. Cool types are the worst! I agree. Lying and deceit don’t have any place in a relationship. I agree 100%, especially about the delayed maturation. Thanks for your thoughts.

If the expectations about fidelity are different, watch out!

Also, I think the Mr. Cool types are the worst. The cheating here is a smaller issue – it’s the lying and false pretences that suck. Delayed maturation, I think.

I’m currently single, and live a lifestyle that lends itself to open and adventurous intimacy. This has allowed me to experience and understand other peoples relationships in ways most don’t. I’ve attended events where husbands and wives indulge separately and jointly with other individuals. No one considers the physical intimacy with someone else cheating. Why? There is no deceit; the spouses have given each other permission to explore sensual/sexual aspects of their life.

To me cheating is when one partner explores or actively seeks an emotional/physical connection with another in a way that’s misleading and secretive to their significant other.

All of my past relationships (bf/-g/f, one common law marriage) have been monogamous on my part (yes at heart I’m a one man type of woman). And I think most individuals share my desire to belong to someone special who will in turn belong to them.

None-the-less the most hurt I’ve ever felt was when I found out that someone I loved and sacrificed for was involved with another woman and fathered another child. I couldn’t help feeling disposable. Because he was so willing to give his heart and time to another female, in spite of my faithfulness, willingness to sacrifice, and emotions I’d invested in “US”.

In short I’d been cheated of the rewards from all the efforts I’d invested in our relationship, and made to feel like a fool because it was done behind my back.

@Lovy………Do you define your relationships as open relationships? And is cheating more about emotional connection rather than physical connection? I’m just trying to clarify for me, THE GUYS, and our readers. It’s so interesting hearing your take on this. Thanks for sharing your views. If you read some of the other comments you’ll see that another person has similar views on the topic.

The truth is that I am not sorry that I did that. There was never any real emotional relationship with anyone. Men do it all the time and claim it means nothing to them. For me, cheating would be to have an emotional relationship and interfere with your life for this person. That happened to a friend of mine whose husband had a relationship with someone he met on the road. He never told her and she found out from the phone bills that showed an unfamiliar long distance number.

I hope you GUYS will still respect me.:) You can’t really judge someone until you have walked in their shoes.

Regarding the fantasies or feelings you share with others in your life, it’s easy to say don’t do it, however, we’re human so often the best way not to fall in the trap is don’t step in to begin with.

Great thoughts and I’ll be waiting for NEXT…I love your collective ideas….

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

@nothing profound……….yes, I’ve read about that time. Sorry I missed it. I think I came on the tail end of it when possessiveness was still a buzz word. But in the end, it’s up to each individual and each individual couple to figure out what works for them.

@Shabnam………………..Yes it does! Absolutely, 100%!