This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy.  I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.

We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.

With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.

Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends?  Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can.  And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?

Thanks in advance.

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

Thanks for your question.

Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.

We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.

Likely Pros in his mind:

1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.

2. He’s attracted to you.

3. He has a connection to you.

Likely cons in his mind:

1. You live in different countries.

2. You’re from different cultures.

3. He wants to get his career off the ground.

4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

5. Will his family accept you completely?

6. Where will you live?

7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?

8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?

9. The list goes on.

Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.

But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?

You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.

Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

Start from the beginning:

Introduction

Chapter 1: Darryl

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 2 (Scroll Down)

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll Down)

____________________________________

And now:

Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 4 

Darryl leaves on a Monday. It’s colder than it should be for May, and I’m wearing a heavy sweater. But it doesn’t matter because I’m even colder inside. As if I’m reverting back to my arctic self, the person I was before there was Darryl. But fuck this. I wrap my sweater tighter and give myself a pep talk. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only a week. We hug goodbye for what feels like an hour and off he departs to another part of the world. I sigh and tell myself it’s a good week to be productive. It’s a good time to do errands and get some things done that I need to get done. Like pay bills. Grocery shop. You know the usual crap.

Darryl and I text four or five times a day. It usually takes him a while to respond to my messages, but when he does he’s always apologetic saying he was in a meeting, or out to lunch with a potential client, or touring some factory. I get it, but I don’t like it. I also don’t like that I’m always the one initiating the text conversation. But I know that guys aren’t typically that communicative, so I try not to dwell on it.

Since I’m alone this week I figure it’s a good time to close out my online profile. I make a mental note to thank a few of my friends that pushed me to do it. It turned out better than I ever could have hoped. As I click on my profile I can see that I’ve gotten a bunch of new messages. Actually a few from some of the same old crew that I’m totally not interested in, but a few new ones as well. I read every profile just because I’m bored. A few interesting people. One guy runs an organic farm, another is a beat reporter for the local baseball team, and another is a podiatrist. I’m not sure why I think the podiatrist is interesting, but I’ve always had a thing about feet I guess. But in general I’m hardly interested in any of these new messages now that Darryl’s in my life.

As I begin to close out my account a thought crosses my mind. I wonder if Darryl has closed out his account? Wouldn’t that tell me something? Wouldn’t that give me some indication about how into me he is? Well, not necessarily. I know he’s been busy, so even if it’s still up that doesn’t mean he’s not planning on removing it as soon as he has a chance. But I should check just to see. Shouldn’t I? Or am I crossing the line? Maybe it’s none of my business? It’s not like we’ve talked about being exclusive. It’s only been a month or so. But it sure feels exclusive, at least for me. And how could it be any different for him? Doesn’t he always say he can’t get enough of me?

I’m scared. Really scared. But my curiosity gets the best of me. It always does. I click on his original note to me and wait for just a moment. My computer sucks. And then, sure enough, Darryl’s beautiful face pops up on my screen.

I stare. I pause. I sink. I look again just be sure. Then I sink some more. What does it mean? Does it mean anything? He probably just hasn’t had time to remove it. I mean, I’m just getting to remove mine today. And he’s even busier than me. But then I notice something else. Something’s different. What’s this? Is this an update? Did he change his profile description? No, it can’t be? But it is. And I sink some more.

Darryl’s been on here recently because he mentions his trip to China. And now I can’t breathe. This sucks. This type of quiet is different than what I’ve been experiencing with Darryl. This kind of quiet happens at the moment you realize that your life has changed in some way. Forever.

I hate this.

I don’t know what to do. I’m paralyzed. I don’t know how I will possibly get through this week. My head is now in full orbital angst. I feel dead inside.

But I’m not quitter. I take life hard, but one thing I do is bounce back. Or at least I try. Part of what happens for me, is once I consider the worst case scenario—that Darryl has been faking it this whole time—I’m able to function again. And I try to come up with some kind of plan.

I start by asking my friend Ted what he thinks. He’s level headed. He says it’s not a big deal. “Darryl just doesn’t want to commit yet. I mean Rebecca, it’s only been a month.”

Okay, Ted is no help. So I ask Julie and Kathy. But they’re no help either because my sadness makes them angry at Darryl, and then it becomes about their anger towards men, not my problem. This is the problem with bitch sessions among women. They just can’t stick to the issue. It always gets into a full blown discussion about why men suck. I don’t hate men, I just hate how they make me feel sometimes.

So it’s up to me to figure this out. Which is what it always comes down to anyway. Friends and family are always well-intentioned, but they come with their own baggage and set of issues, so in the end the only person who can figure this out is you. Me.

So I stop texting Darryl.

Well, this is one way to get Darryl’s attention. As soon as I stop initiating texts my phone doesn’t stop buzzing. Interesting. Is this really how guys are? I never went for all that ‘you’ve got to let him pursue you’ crap, but clearly there’s some truth to it. But when I really think about it it doesn’t make sense because eventually you have to let him catch you, right? I mean at some point the pursuing has to end otherwise you can never actually have a relationship? I just don’t get it.

But I do get sick. Nothing horrible, just a bad cold. I hate everything about the cold. Being cold and having a cold. And it feels like I will be cold forever, like a space vessel that’s broken free from the gravitational pull and is rocketing through the heavens for all eternity.

Darryl arrives back on Friday evening late and texts me to see if I’d like to get together. But I tell him I’m still not feeling better. I suggest the next day. The truth is, my cold is better, but I don’t know how to face him. Should I be upset? I’m not sure. I don’t know what to think. All I know is I feel lost. Like the heavens collapsed and I’m falling and falling.

Next Up: Chapter 1: Darryl – Part 5 and Final

This guy and I have been hooking up for about three months almost every week, or every couple of weeks. He and I are involved in the same group of friends. So we’ve chatted quite a bit, and hung out a bit, and he would do really nice things for me or for other people while I was around, and (as stupid as this sounds) leave really cute posts on my wall on Facebook.

Then one night, four months ago, we both were drunk and ended up making out. It happened again the week after that. So we decided we wanted to talk about it.. or um.. I guess I decided I wanted to talk about it, because I generally do not just hook up with men while I’m drunk. We’re also both about to study abroad for a year. We both decided it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing this, because it’s a bad idea to be attached to someone who isn’t going to be around. And I still agree with that.

But it keeps happening. And now we don’t really talk at all outside of hooking up. I want to just hang out with him sober again, but he seems to not care very much.

I also know that he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past by a girl, and he ended up lashing out at her, and hasn’t been quite the same (especially in regards to girls) since. And this information isn’t coming second-hand; I was there when it happened. (As I said, we’re in the same group of friends).

We still haven’t had sex. I’m a virgin, and I’m not going to become… *ahem* a not-virgin when I’m drunk. And I’m not going to do it with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to see me outside of his bedroom or mine. I have performed oral on him though, a few times..

Can he really be doing these kinds of things with me, this frequently, and not have feelings for me? Is that possible? Would guys do that? Especially with a girl who isn’t actually having sex with them? Or is oral kind of the same thing…

D

Dear D,

Thanks for your question.

First, let’s clarify what sex is. This whole gray area of oral sex started around the time of the Monica Lewinsky  affair. Do you remember? You might be too young. But click on the link, or do some research. Fascinating stuff. Anyway, some people define sex as only intercourse, but for most people, anytime the genitalia is involved it’s pretty much sex. So yes, oral—fellatio or cunnilingus—is pretty much sex. Certainly it’s intimate enough to be stimulating another person with your mouth wouldn’t you say? But if you want to be technical, yes you’re certainly still a virgin, but for practical purposes, or if a guy in the future asks you if you’ve had sex before, it could be something you’d want to disclose. Or for that matter, something you didn’t want to disclose.

Could a guy receive oral sex every week without being emotionally attached or invested in a woman? Absolutely. In fact, for some guys it’s the perfect situation. (We’re not saying all, but certainly any type of Booty Call or Friends with Benefits situation is something guys search for, or certainly wouldn’t turn down if it was offered, especially if they weren’t in a serious relationship with a woman.)

We don’t think this is the best situation for you. He’s getting some of his needs met but you’re not. And typically these types of arrangements don’t transition into serious relationships. Eventually they just fizzle after the woman gets fed up. You might want to check out our video on “Friends with Benefits” for some more insights.

Don’t feel badly. This happens more than you might think. But the best thing to do is move on and try to find a guy that is not only willing, but excited, to see you outside the bedroom. (Read our “Relationship Memoirs” page to see how this turns out for Rebecca.)

Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted on how this progresses. Good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I am still in love with my ex-husband but I am getting mixed emotions from him. A little background first. My now ex-husband and I met five years ago and we have been together for four years and were married for three years. We both have children from previous relationships and do not have any kids together.

In February we got into an argument and it got heated to the point of him wanting a divorce. So he filed for divorce and I struggled through everything. I never wanted the divorce, but agreed to make him happy. In April I received a random text messages from him and he has been texting me everyday since. I have told him that I want him back. He says he only wants to be friends. So I told him that I couldn’t come see him anymore and that I had to move on with my life. So I didn’t talk to him for about three days and he text me again randomly telling me that he wished things could be different between us, and that he cares about me and has feelings for me and he really wants us to get back together.

But there is one small problem. He doesn’t want the responsibility of more kids. He doesn’t want my kids or his kids involved with other people. That is a problem because all of our children are small. He wants me to move in with him and us live together and enjoy life together. We have hung out just the two of us and things were great. I have spent the night with him and it was amazing. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me without me doing anything. I am so confused. I want to be with him so badly but at the same time I love my kids and can’t leave them behind.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Thanks for your question.

Relationships are complex. And when you add kids into the mix things can get even more complicated, especially when a couple has never really had time to have a relationship separate from the kids. But the thing is Kayla, your kids are part of you. They can’t be separated. The two of you can dream all you want about how it might be just the two of you, but the fact of the matter is, you both have kids, and you both know your kids are your first priority. Good for you.

If he really doesn’t want the extra responsibility of more kids, but he truly loves you and wants to be with you, why can’t the two of you just have a serious and committed relationship but don’t live together? There are a growing number of married couples that have separate abodes because of their job situation, or so they can have their own space. You could talk during the week, maybe see each other one weekday night, and then spend weekends together. Or some other arrangement. Maybe it’s not the typical marital arrangement, but it can work if the two of you are committed to making it work. And maybe you could have a mutual goal, where you keep this arrangement until the kids are a bit older and then you reevaluate your living situation at that time.

There are no rules here. The two of you can figure out a plan that works best for you and your families. But the bottom line is, your kids come first. His kids come first. As long as that’s clear for both of you, then we’re confident you’ll come up with a workable solution.

Finally, if he’s not willing to try whatever it takes to be with you, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you. He should be putting as much effort into coming up with a solution as you are. Please be aware of this and keep your eyes open. If he’s not, you’re just going to become resentful of him. And that won’t bode well for your relationship and the future.

Good luck and please keep us posted as this progresses. Also, feel free to leave us a follow up comment with your thoughts. And/or a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related questions: 

An ex that comes back and now has cancer

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com (Charlotte is seeking representation for her book)

To start at the beginning read:

The Introduction

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 1 

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2 (scroll down)

_________________________

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3

Darryl surprises me with tickets to the planetarium. I had mentioned the day before that I loved looking at stars. And that one of my favorite childhood memories was being woken up by my dad in the middle of the night to go up to the field behind our house and look through his fancy telescope at all the constellations. Thinking about it now, my love of stars probably has more to do with remembering the precious time alone with my father—I had three siblings and getting alone time with a parent was rare— rather than the actual planetary matter in the sky, but either way I know Darryl was listening to me yesterday, because here we are.

As the lights begin to dim Darryl leans in close to me and whispers, “I’m so glad you’re here with me.”

He’s taken me off guard so I just look at him and smile. God, he’s beautiful.

As I push my seat back, I take in the salt and pepper sky above me. It’s as if the world is opening up to me, and I’m finally able to see beyond the atmosphere, finally getting a glimpse into heaven. And I’m happy. Maybe Darryl can read my mind, maybe not, but he casually rests his hand on my leg, and I heat up like a cosmic collision. I might be gazing up at a dark sky and thousands of pieces of galactic matter, but in my seat, next to Darryl, the sun is burning hot between my thighs.

After the show, the plan is to have drinks at the local bar. Instead I suggest we skip the local dive and have a drink at his place. We do. But then we skip the drinks part and just fuck. I say fuck, because honestly I’ve never really been a make love kind of girl. For me sex needs to be unrestrained, uninhibited, with full disclosure. Making love always feels a bit too nice to me. Too clean. Too careful.

Darryl and I aren’t careful, we’re frenzied, rushed, eager. His hands feel dangerous as they slide down my pants and cup my ass, lifting me off the ground, pulling me close. Then he’s grinding his cock against the front of my jeans, while his fingers grope me from behind, searching for my wet places. Finding them. I open my mouth to gasp, but I’m only able to exhale one shallow breath.

My eyes now encourage him and let him know that he can explore any part of me he wants. And he does; with his lips. Slowly. Measured. Exact. And now sounds are coming out of me in quick bursts, and I’m trying to catch my breath. And he drinks and drinks, as if his thirst will never be quenched.

I think at some point I’ll dry up. But my cunt is impossibly wet, and getting wetter the more he explores.

Now I want him. Inside me. And my hips invite him on their own. He accepts their invitation. And as he enters me we form our own constellation that shines on and on through the night.

It’s 6am. I awaken to the faint smell of last night on the sheets, and a note.

Rebecca,

I had a great time last night with you. Definitely some firsts!

Do it again tonight?

Darryl

I say yes out loud even though I know no one is there to listen. Yes, Yes, Yes. And then I look at the clock and say No. No. Oh, No! And I rush home and get ready for work. I’m late for the first time in four years.

It goes on like this for a month.

How to describe our first month together? I can only describe it terms of, laughter. chocolate, and quiet.

Laughter. More like endless giggles. Giggles the day he dons a batman mask and cape and runs around the apartment naked, his cock slapping against his stomach as he hops around, then tripping over a five pound dumbbell, skidding across the floor in pain.

Laughter when he’s slamming me from behind, and even though I try my best to hold it, the fart gets the best of me. He pulls out laughing. I fart again. This time a cunt fart.

Laughter in unison at the movies. Laughter watching kids on the playground do the silly things kids do as we stroll through the park hand in hand. Laughter just for the sake of laughter, because we’re happy.

Then chocolate. No dark chocolate. Lots of it. The only thing that abets my cravings during my time away from him. He’s been taking business trips once a week and on those days I seem to dip into my chocolate stash every hour on the hour. The byproduct, I’ve gained five pounds. Five pounds of chocolate happiness. Darryl notices but he doesn’t seem to care. In fact he comments on how much he likes my ass with the extra meat.

Quiet. I learn about making love, and I retract my previous statements. It’s amazing to enjoy each other without making any sounds. Our eyes do the talking. And our bodies. Heavenly bodies.

Quiet. Quiet walks with no words needed, the world spinning in the background, with us unaware. Just being. Being with each other. Reading books in bed. Sharing the Sunday paper with coffee. Connecting by touch, by feel, by smell. Flexing our other senses.

During this month the days at school are long and seem to move more slowly than I remember. And the long evenings with Darryl move faster than I’d like.

I don’t tell him, but I’ve fallen for him. I know it’s only been a month, but I just have that feeling. You know the one. As if nothing else matters. As if nothing else ever mattered before him. Like my real life has just begun and I’ve left my virtual one behind. Finally. Like Jill Scott says in the tune “Love, Rain.” Love is really raining down on me.

I just hope he feels the same way. He must? I’m not sure. I’m never sure about these kinds of things. He sure acts like he’s totally into me, but who knows? I sure as hell don’t know. And I sure don’t want to ask him. I don’t want to hear if he doesn’t. And I don’t want to start making things too heavy. I don’t want to scare him away. But even my doubts are not enough to sour the elation I feel. My head has yet to leave the sky.

Then his first extended business trip comes up, and he tells me he has to go to China for a week. I expected this, but I’m not ready. Not yet. Probably never. I’m bummed and I try hard not to show it, but I can’t help myself. Darryl picks up on it and smiles, pulls me close to him and kisses the top of my head. I nuzzle my head into his neck and inhale. He smells like a sweet fern, my sweet fern.

Next up: Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4

To start from the beginning just scroll down to introduction.

_______________________________

Hi Guys,

I have a first-date question… This is kind of similar to another question you just answered actually… but I still want your opinion lol. I met a guy really randomly a few weeks back— I was lost and asked him for directions, and we got to chatting briefly and we suggested going for coffee or drinks sometime and exchanged numbers. After that we texted pretty frequently. We did finally meet up last week —I think we were both a little drained. He was preparing for a conference that he was going away for this past weekend and I had a pretty busy day as well.

But the date went pretty well. (At least I think it did.) I was a bit nervous but I didn’t feel that “omg I need to get out of here” kind of feeling I’ve had on other dates! And I did notice subtle body language on his part that usually shows interest, like mimicking my own hand gestures, brushing my hand and that sort of thing. He was very attentive to what I was saying and I was attentive to what he was saying. But I was also nervous and when I’m nervous a part of me can err a little more to the stand-offish side rather than flirtatious.

At the end of the night (we hung out for at least three hours) he did walk me home but instead of trying to kiss me he gave me a friendly hug – but it was the one-arm hug! (The same hug we gave each other when we met up at the beginning of the night.) And when we said bye he said he’d let me know how his conference goes.

I was kind of confused because I thought the date went well and I didn’t pick up on any “he’s not interested” vibes so I was a little thrown off that he just said he’d let me know how it goes and not make even tentative plans for another date. I texted him the next day to say have a good weekend (conference was out of town) and he should’ve been back by tonight and I haven’t heard from him.

Usually if I don’t think a date went well I just walk away and say too bad, but he’s honestly the best guy I have met in a looooonng time and I’m reluctant to just walk away because I think I might have given off the “not-interested” vibes without meaning to. I figure he’s back in town now and I am not sure if I should text him asking him how it went? I don’t like initiating contact two times in a row but I’m wondering that if I did give off the wrong impression maybe that’s why he’s gone off the radar. But if I text him tomorrow or something asking him how it went would that just be really weird or would that maybe encourage him to at least talk to me again?? I can’t bring myself to totally walk away this time around but I also want to maintain some sort of dignity lol.

Thanks!

Michelle

Dear Michelle, 

Ahh the ambiguity of the “one arm hug.” How wonderful. (We’re being sarcastic)

So we see your dilemma. Kind of. You see Michelle, if he has any sort of self-confidence, your “not interested” vibe would not be enough to dissuade him from getting back in touch with you. It’s not like you were acting that way when you first met him. You were actually out on a date, which means he must surmise that you were—or are—interested in him enough to spend more time with him than you actually needed to.

So we still think you need to let him take the initiative here. If he doesn’t get in touch with you in a week or so, feel free to text him then. But if we were in this situation, and we met a girl like you who we really liked, we’d definitely be looking forward to seeing you again. And we’d be contacting you as soon as we felt we could, especially being emboldened by your follow up text.

Be patient on this one. You don’t need to let it die, but you also don’t need to breathe life into it. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. And if he can’t see what’s in front of him, well then that’s his problem. Wait and week and then go from there.

We’re hoping this works out for you.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Feel free to ask us a follow question. Say hi to your friends up there in Canada. And check out our new “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy the latest contributions from Charlotte Pescale. “Rebecca, a memoir”

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been friends for almost ten years. I live in Georgia, he lives in Ohio. I pursued a relationship with him about four years ago, but broke up with him. Two years ago, we started dating again.

He is a great guy and seems perfect on paper, but for some reason something’s missing for me. We only see each other a few times a year, and last time we visited, I told him we should break up. But the next day he talked me out of it; I just couldn’t do it.

When we’re together I can’t bring myself to break it off with him, and we always have such a good time together. But when we’re apart I want to break it off with him so badly. He’s made it clear that he wants to marry me, even though I think he knows that he feels more strongly for me than I for him. If you were in his shoes, what would you want from me? Should I make a special trip up to Ohio just to break up? What on earth do I say?

And please, please tell me that he’ll be all right and this will be better for him than if I just stayed with him and hope that eventually I could develop the same feelings he has for me.

Tamerin

Dear Tamerin,

Thanks for your question.

So we’ll start with a hypothetical question for you. Can a person grow to love someone? The answer is yes and no. Because we believe there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love.” Being “in love” is something undefinable, a chemical reaction, an aligning of the stars. Truly loving someone takes time, and grows from mutual respect and admiration. Some people need to feel “in love” with their partner in order to be with them, and some people are happy enough just loving someone and being loved. (As an aside, there was a recent article in Psychology Today that you might find interesting. Are you with the right mate?  )

So the more pertinent question Tamerin is: What do you need? Because this is what it comes down to. Not what some book or magazine says. Or your friends. Or your family. Or this guy. You need to be honest with yourself and decide what it is that you want out of your relationship and the man you’re choosing to be with.

It sounds like you’re conflicted, or maybe you’re only conflicted out of guilt. Either way, you need to be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. Don’t stay with someone out of guilt or charity. Eventually they will become resentful of you. Maybe he realizes he feels more strongly toward you than you do for him, and for now he’s okay with that. But honestly this is a red-flag. If he’s willing to accept this imbalance of power it’s likely he has low self-esteem.

This breakup probably deserves to be done face-to-face, but if you’ve already tried that and failed, then we think it’s 0kay—although not ideal—to do it via phone. Either way he’ll probably want to come see you and try to talk you out of it. But you need to be strong. No use dragging this out. You asked what we’d want. Well, we’d want to know the truth. So we could get on with healing.

Will he be alright? We know you care about him, but he’s an adult. He should be able to take care of himself. And you trying to soften the blow is only going to make this harder on him. Once you decide what you want to do, do it immediately. If he wants an audience we think he deserves that, but not if he’s going to try and delay the inevitable. It all needs to happen now so you both can move on with your lives.

We wish you all the best. Good luck.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please keep us posted as this progresses.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of our guest writers.

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com

To start from the beginning Read/or Read entire story: 

Introduction

Chapter One: Darryl- Part 1

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll up)

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4 (Scroll up)

____________________________________

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2

I roll out of bed at 8am and the first thing I think is, what the fuck am I going to wear? Shit!

Do I go jeans and a sweater? No, it’s too hot for that. What if I wear shorts? Would that be inappropriate? It’s probably fine I think, but I decide against it anyway. I don’t want to give him a show of my legs right off the bat. I consider a cute skirt that drops down just below my knees but then decide it’s a bit too much for the first date. Finally after about thirty minutes of throwing my clothes all over my bedroom, I decide to wear jeans after all, and I pair them with a cute red blouse that has gold buttons running from top to bottom. (Sounds odd, but trust me, it’s cute.)

I take so long to figure out what to wear that I don’t even have time to dry my hair after washing it. It looks like I’m going with the windblown look today. I just have to keep telling myself, who cares? It’s one date. If it doesn’t go well, I won’t be any worse off than I was yesterday, or the day before, or last month.

I arrive at the coffee shop ten minutes early and Darryl’s not there. So I pick a table kind of out of the way so we can have some privacy. Not because I care if anyone listens to our conversation, but because if the date turns out to be a disaster I want to be able to make a quick and inconspicuous getaway.

Twenty minutes go by and Darryl still hasn’t arrived, which means he’s about ten minutes late, and I’m starting to get pissed. I look around at all the faces and everyone seems to be happy, content, fulfilled. A good cup of coffee will sometimes do that to you, but I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. I’m getting sick of being alone. Why can’t I find someone to be happy with? With that thought I look up to find a guy smiling down at me.

“Hi, I’m Darryl,” he says with a big grin on his face.

“Hi” I barely manage to say, forgetting that I was pissed off a second ago.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Rebecca.”

Just the way he says it immediately puts me at ease. But I’m still not sure what to say so I just smile, and start to get up so we can go order together. I figure we should probably go dutch even if it’s just coffee. Rules are rules you know. But he tells me to sit down.

“What would you like?” he says still beaming at me.

“Why don’t we order together?”

“Don’t be silly. It’s just coffee. And I promise you won’t be indebted to me in any way.”

He says the right thing—I hate feeling like the guy’s going to want sex just because he bought me dinner— so I tell him I’d like a large black. He smiles even wider, almost laughs. Shit, what did I say? No, I didn’t mean it like that? Darryl isn’t really black, but he’s sure brown enough to misinterpret my order. God I am such an idiot. I want to tell him that that wasn’t some Freudian slip, and that I’m not that kind of girl—even though I might be— but he’s already at the counter ordering.

I watch him. Darryl fills out his clothes well. He’s also wearing jeans, and they’re tight. But not too tight, just tight enough so I can see he’s got an ass. Guys with flat asses just don’t do it for me. One check mark for Darryl. On top he’s wearing a tan sweater with a zipper just at the top, which he’s chosen to keep open. He’s pushed his sleeves up and I can see his arms are well defined, but not crazy muscular like those ridiculous guys at the gym. Overall Darryl seems very comfortable in his skin and what’s even scarier: he’s probably even hotter than his profile picture, which spells trouble for me.

Darryl sits down, hands me my coffee and starts asking me all sorts of questions. How long have I lived in town? What side of town do I live on? What kinds of things do I like to do on the weekends besides what I wrote in my profile? It goes on for a while and I think I must be boring him to tears, but there he is, head nodding, seemingly attentive and interested.

“So what do you do for work Rebecca?”

“I teach elementary school,” I say waiting for the response I typically get. Oh that must be so fun. But he surprises me.

“That must be really challenging and difficult,” he says with a serious look in his eyes. “Working with kids is probably the most important job anyone could do.”

Is he serious? I look at him closely and wonder if he’s playing with me. But he seems very serious. And after he goes on and on about how much he loves kids and that he has a brother who’s fifteen years younger than he is, and how he feels responsible for him since his father passed away a few years ago, I feel my mind leave my body to get some space to think near the ceiling. And as my mind levitates in the quiet expanse of the open beamed ceiling I realize I really like this guy.

“That’s a pretty blouse you have on,” he says.

My mind is still floating above me and has yet to reenter my body so I don’t respond.

“I said that’s a pretty blouse you’re wearing.”

I look at him blankly and then I wake up startled and say thanks.

“Will you excuse me for one second. I need to use the ladies room. I think the coffee is running right through me,” I say.

“Sure”

I get up from the table and I feel self-conscious walking through the maze of tables to get to the restroom—why did I pick the table so far from the bathroom? Idiot—because I know he must be watching me.

I’m finally able to breathe as I look in the mirror. I wonder if the date’s going well for Darryl. I know it is for me. I splash some water on my face and close my eyes for a moment. I’m tired. Darryl has tired me out but in a good way. I’m satisfied tired. I slowly open my eyes to check my makeup before I head back out to the table.

As I look at myself, do a double take, and then I gasp. Oh no! In the frenzy of getting out of the house on time this morning, I apparently forgot to check all the buttons on my blouse. Because in the mirror, clear as day, I have a great view of my left breast, poking it’s firm little head right through my shirt. You’ve got to be kidding me?! My face turns lipstick red and I start sweating. How fucking embarrassing? I clutch the countertop to keep from falling down. What must he think of me? Now I actually think my legs are going to give out so I squeeze the countertop harder. The last thing I want to do is go back out and face him. What a disaster.

I text my friend Kathy to tell what’s happened but she’s not answering. So I text my friend Julie. She sends back three letters: LOL!!!! Yeah, real fuckin’ funny I text back. She tells me to calm down and that it will be okay. I tell her I’ll talk to her later.

I think about my breasts for a moment. And I think about Darryl, and then I realize that not once did I see him staring at them. In fact he was very good about maintaining eye contact the whole time we were talking. Maybe he didn’t notice? Or even better, he did notice but was able to maintain control of himself even with my left breast sticking out of my shirt. Maybe he’s actually interested in what I have to say. Maybe he’s really interested in me. That would be a nice change from some of the other guys I’ve dated. I mull this over for a bit, gather myself, and walk back to the table.

He smiles. God, I love his smile.

We finish the date with me asking the questions, mainly because I don’t want the conversation to get redirected back on me. I find out he works in the clean tech industry, specifically with solar power. He seems passionate about it, although most of what he says is more technical than I’m interested in. But I do hear that he travels to China frequently for business. I make a mental note to think about that later. Somehow business trips don’t sit that well with me.

Before we get up to go he asks for my number. I give it to him. Then we hug goodbye. And that’s that.

Later I’m processing the date with my friend Kathy.

“I got your text. Sorry I missed you. So how was it?” she says.

“It was much better than expected,” I say casually, not wanting to give away how much I’m into Darryl.

“So basically, you’ve already decided he’s the one, right?”

“Damn, Kathy. Am I that transparent?”

“I can see it in your eyes honey. Remember, we were roommates in college? I’ve seen that look before.”

“But this is different. This is special. I just know it.” I pause. “Well, except for the two red flags.”

“And those would be?”

“Well, he was about 15 minutes late. Kind of seems disrespectful, especially for a first date. Although after he got there I almost didn’t care. God he’s gorgeous.”

“Well, that’s not so bad. What’s the other?”

“He travels a lot.”

“And? What’s wrong with that besides that he’s away?”

“Well, you know. Who knows what he’ll be doing when he’s away? Who he’ll be seeing? That’s a lot of time he’ll be unaccounted for.”

“Okay, but let’s not jump the gun here. You’ve only had coffee together. Why don’t we wait to see how the second date goes?”

“You’re right. I need to be patient.”

But I’m hardly that. I’m impulsive, impetuous, hasty, and rash, probably more so than some of the eight year old boys in my class this year. So I’m thrilled when Darryl texts me a few hours later to tell me he had a great time. And to ask me out for the very next night.

Next Up: Chapter Three: The Planets Align

For the Full Story Read: The Introduction and Chapter One. (Scroll Down)

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

______________________________

Hi Guys,

You’re awesome:) I’ve been reading your website for some time now, looking for answers. But I think I must write to you now and get your perspective on my situation. I hope you write back!

So here goes:

I’m from Bombay, India. In 2009, my company sent me on a short stint to the Delhi office. At the time, I was in an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy back in Bombay and really not looking for anyone else in my life. So, I was generally having a good time making some new friends at the Delhi office—including this guy Ro. Let’s call him that.

Ro was funny and helpful and in an on-again, off-again thing as well. So he was just a fun friend to grab a drink with and discover a little bit of Delhi bit. I came to Bombay and didn’t think much of him. Neither did he, and it didn’t matter.

A few months later it turns out we were both offered a job with the same company in Delhi. We were both out of our on-again-off again thing as well. I couldn’t wait to be in a new city, be single, and live without my folks for a change!

He was helpful when I moved—in a good guy friend kind of way. I helped him about to — go to the dentist, chase some girls. He dropped me home, and invited me to dinner because I was lost in a new city. We were good friends to each other.

Suddenly, even though we had other friends we were spending all of our time together. Nothing physical mind you, just talking late into the night, drinking, enjoying the same kind of music, watching the movies we love. What happened next was inevitable: we kissed. But a whole two months into getting to know each other. It felt right, and it felt special.

Three weeks into a really nice relationship we had a fight—he wanted to break up. He said he was getting really insecure about me looking at other guys and couldn’t handle it. I told him to hang in there and that we’d be okay. By then, this harmless crush had grown into a lot more than just a crush given how much of ourselves we had bared.

We were back together again. Over time I moved into his house. We were living together. We had the usual ups and downs of a relationship—the squabbles about who’s running late, him doing hardly any house, me being snappy in the morning—but largely we had a great time. We traveled, had friends over, read together, worked hard, advised each other on work, and spent a lot of time together and alone. This went on rather nicely for a year.

Then I wanted to know where this was going. I didn’t want to be in a live in relationship with a guy if we weren’t eventually going to get married. He said he needed time to think. I gave him the time. He said he wanted a few more months. We had a bit of spat over that, and some other stuff but we sorted it out. I moved out, then moved back in. For awhile his mum didn’t know I’d moved back in (she lives in other city) she told him he shouldn’t meet me, and that he should get over this. But we fell back into a happy relationship again, although this time there were more downs, until three months down the road when things started to get nice again. I kept asking him if he wanted this to go further and if not we should end this. He kept saying he needed time to think.

We began 2012 on a great note. he would call and tell me- he told his aunts he was getting married, when I was out of town, we went to a few good trips around Delhi and Dubai with our sisters and even found a new house we’d want to move into. My only condition: I wasn’t moving in until we were sure we were headed.

He finally popped the question and rather romantically at that. He took me to our favourite tea place, and placed a little note in a cup. The month after that was lovely with congratulations pouring in, a 3oth birthday celebration, and furniture shopping which we both enjoyed!

Two days into his birthday celebration we had a fight. His sister had moved in a week ago and I brought up the question: who pays for her every time we go out? For some reason he wanted to pay for her and not me although we’re all working. Things got rather ugly there with him telling me he was never okay to support me, even if i couldn’t work for a small time in my life thanks to kids etc but would continue to spend on his folks and sister. His mum also accused me of controlling his money, and being out to get him. She got involved. I was on a business trip, she called him back to his hometown. He sent me an email and ended the engagement.
We never met, we weren’t given a chance to sort out our fight. In the email he agreed that I wasn’t ill -intentioned on the finances but he found me manipulative and controlling. That hurt.

He asked me to move out in 2 days. I said i needed 2 weeks. I moved back to Bombay. We met once so I could tell him he was doing the wrong thing. That issues crop up and we should deal with them rather than break away because of them.

He said: let’s agree to disagree but he didn’t look to good. He’s back in his hometown now with his mum. I’m in Bombay.

We haven’t spoken. I don’t know what to do. Will he come back? (My folks and our common friends are disgusted with his behavior!) What do I do to bring him back?

Couple of things:

It must be noted he’s on some pills mood enhancers that he started taking after I pushed him to visit the counselor. He kept saying he had low mood swings and felt down for no apparent reason. The counselor helped him tremendously!

His mum was never warm towards me, but was happy because I helped him a lot—cooking cleaning etc. so she was cordial. (Although she was excited when the wedding was announced.)

We’ve chipped in towards all expenses most of the time and I ‘ve always advised him on financial matters and he’s taken the help gladly because I’m better with numbers.

He’s always said he loved me, and I was the best thing that happened to him.

Some of his aunts thought I was pushing him to marriage but given his commitment phobia I told them i just want clarity.

I still love him! )

Sigh

Dear Sigh,

Thanks for your question.

We think his decision to break up with you is less a matter of his mood enhancers and more a matter of deference to his mother. Sure, we do believe a son or daughter should be respectful to his or her parents, but—and this is a big BUT— we also believe at some point a person needs to start making their own decisions, especially about something as important as who they’re going to marry.

Three things could be going on here.

1. He’s easily swayed by his family’s opinions—mostly the women in his family, his mother and aunts. Which means, he’s basically a mama’s boy. (Sorry, there’s no nice way of saying this.)

or

2. He’s using his family’s opinions, and the fact that you’re aware of how his mom feels about you, as an excuse to extract himself from a situation that would be difficult to extract himself from otherwise. (Meaning, he’s not sure about whether you’re the person he wants to marry after all.)

3. He’s uncertain, as many people are, about one of the biggest decisions of his life.

The first two choices aren’t particularly attractive, although if it’s the first choice—that he’s easily swayed by his family— at least he could realize his mistake, be a man, stand up to his family, ask for your forgiveness, and move forward with the wedding. We understand that in some cultures family has more influence over sons and daughters than in others. But ultimately people need to make their own decisions. If he’s not strong enough or mature enough to do that, he’s probably not the guy you want to marry. Because if he’s caving now, it’s likely you’ll have to deal with his mother’s influence for the rest of your married life. We doubt that’s something you’re going to be happy about.

If what’s going on is option 2—that he’s really not happy with you—then no, it’s unlikely he’ll be back. He may never say it, and will probably keep hiding behind his family, but his true feelings are there beneath the surface.

If it’s option 3, then yes, at some point he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and come back to you.

So what you need to do Sigh, is figure out which one it is.

If you do come to some sort of reconciliation you need to have an open and honest conversation with him. Find out from him what he needs from you. We’re not suggesting you change just to be with him, but relationships are about compromise, and they are also tools to help us all grow and evolve. None of us are perfect, and sometimes it takes tough love from a partner or spouse to help us see ourselves more clearly. Having said that, you can’t change the core of who you are and nor you shouldn’t, but you can change some of your behaviors and actions. It’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to compromise on and what you’re willing to do to make this relationship work. Of course, he should be willing to do the same. And if he’s not also working on his actions, then all you’ll feel is resentment and anger. A relationship is a two way street and both parties should be willing to do whatever it takes—within reason—to make it work.

Hope this helps a little. Please leave us a follow up comment in the comments section below. Or ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

pss. Also, you might be interested in our “Relationship Memoirs” page. There are some interesting essays and stories there.

Hey Guys,

I’m 18 and I met this guy who is seven years older than me almost a year ago. We dated for about a month and it was going really well, until he decided we should stop because he thought we would make mistakes due to the age difference. However I insisted that we didn’t break all ties. I really liked him. We kept on seeing each other and sleeping together. But it’s not just about sex, we get along really well. It almost feels like a relationship.

But he hasn’t told any of his friends about us and seems ashamed. When I asked him why, he told me even though he enjoys spending time with me he feels like a thief; he feels guilty but he can’t explain why.

This is really frustrating, I feel loved and rejected at the same time. I don’t think I am someone that one could be ashamed of but my self-esteem is kind of hurt by this situation. Do you have an explanation for me, guys ? Why is he so afraid ? What could I do to reassure him ?

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thanks for your question. You should also check out our video on Dating an Older Guy.   (Also, you might be interested in reading some of our Relationship Memoirs. 

Your “boyfriend’s” actions show that at least he has a conscience. You see, he’s attracted to you, but feels like a thief because he understands on some level he’s stealing your youth. He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it.

There’s nothing wrong with dating an older guy Stella, and frankly seven years is not typically a big deal, but at your age it is. This guy is in a completely different place in life. He’s been operating in the adult world for the last four years and you’ve just completed high school. That’s not to say you’re not mature enough to handle it, and it’s not to say that these types of relationships never work, but the two of you are at very different places in your lives. And this is why he’s not introducing you to his friends and family. He’s not embarrassed of you, he’s embarrassed by his own actions. Basically he feels like he’s “robbing the cradle” and he believes all his friends will think the same thing. (He is.) And that’s why he’s keeping the relationship a secret and giving you mixed signals.

If he’s not going to change his behavior and treat you like a proper girlfriend we suggest you stop with the FWB arrangement and move on. Your self-esteem is only going to be affected more and more and that is not healthy for you. We also think you should pursue the things that 18 year olds pursue rather than date an older guy at this point in your life.

So stop fretting. Don’t feel badly about yourself. We’re sure you’re a great young woman that many a guy would be very proud to date. This situation is more about him than it is about you. Hope this helps.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about dating older men: 

Sugar Daddy: Could he be serious about me?

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com

Read the whole story: 

 Introduction

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 2 (Scroll Up)

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 3 (Scroll Up)

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 4 (Scroll Up)

______________________________

Chapter One: Darryl – Part 1

I meet Darryl online.

It takes a lot of prompting from friends for me to actually join one of those online dating sites. But I have no plausible argument against it. I’m not having much luck at the bars. Taking adult education classes at night is a waste of time. I’m certainly not meeting anyone at the elementary school I teach at. And the guys I meet at the gym are either losers or muscle heads, or both. So I figure, why not? What do I really have to lose? I already feel like a dating loser anyway.

Once I decide to try online dating I then have to figure out which service to use. Did you know there are literally hundreds of sites and services to choose from, all spouting some unique reason to join? You can pretty much meet any kind of person you want to meet. If you want to cheat on your partner, well, there are sites for that. If you want a threesome, no problem. If you’re looking to date people who are your same religion or ethnicity, that’s easy. And if you have some kind of fetish—a foot fetish perhaps, or an adult lactation fetish—well there are sites for you as well. For me, I just want the ordinary, “gal meets guy,” type of site.

I finally pick one and figure the hard part is over. But no, actually the hard part is just beginning. Now I have to put up a profile and write a description about myself. Ugh. I hate writing bios. And I suck at it. I guess everyone kind of sucks at writing about themselves. You either sound like you’re bragging, or you sound boring as hell. Finding the right balance takes me a long time.

I start with my goals. I have only one: To make sure my inbox doesn’t get flooded by a bunch of guys who I will never be interested in. So I start off a bit negatively.

My first profile: 

If you’re a loser please don’t contact me. I’ve had my fill of losers over the past few years, and I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.

You can see from my picture what I look like so I won’t get into that. But I think I look better in person than I do in pictures.

I teach third grade. I like reading. I enjoy the outdoors and any kind of exercise frankly. Hiking. Biking. Tennis. Basketball. It’s all good.

I despise arrogance and cheesy pick up lines, so please don’t contact me if you’re one of those guys. I appreciate honesty, kindness, and certainly a guy with a good sense of humor.

If you’ve gotten this far maybe you’re still interested. If so, drop me a note and I’ll get back to you.

Yours,

Rebecca

Well, I get five responses with my first profile attempt. The first three are from male elementary school teachers who try to use their vocation as a way to show me how in touch they are with their feminine side. Yuck. I want a guy’s guy, not some male version of me. The next response I get is from some singer songwriter who writes stale lyrics about unrequited love. No thank you. And finally I get a note from a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend and is looking for a woman with an edge, maybe a woman with a tinge of anger. Yikes. Time to get back to the drawing board.

Before I make a second attempt I consult a few guy friends and they say I need to be more positive.

“Rebecca, you’ve got to give the guys a chance,” my friend Ted says. “Your profile is too threatening.”

“But all I said was I didn’t want losers contacting me.”

“I understand. But YOU have to understand that even though guys might act all confident, that doesn’t mean they are. In fact, most of the guys scouring these sites will probably think you’re speaking directly to them, and will think it’s not worth the effort.”

“Really?” I say.

I’m not certain whether to believe Ted or not. He never seems to lack any confidence himself, or for that matter have any problem dating very attractive women. But I know he has my best interests in mind since we’ve been kind of friends since childhood. There was even a time when I thought I might be interested in Ted. He is pretty cute and all, but now I just see him as the older brother I never had. So I listen to him.

“Yes really,” he continues. “I wouldn’t personally respond to your profile. I’d be scared.”

“Seriously? C’mon Ted, you’re fucking with me.”

“No, really, your profile description is intimidating.”

“Okay fine, I’ll change it.”

“Good idea.”

So I take a deep breath and try to be positive, for which I have no stomach for really. I spend all day, every day, being positive at work. I’m a teacher and it’s my job to try and boost my students’ self-esteem. “Oh Ben what a wonderful story that is. Kayla, you did such a great job on your math test. Molly, you are a talented artist. I love your new picture. And Colin, those are pretty cool shoes.” And on and on. I love teaching kids, but after giving them so much during the day, I’ve got no positive energy left to give when I get home.

But still, I try hard to be positive with my second profile attempt and I think I come up with something pretty good. At least it’s as good as it’s going to get.

My second profile: 

Hi, I’m Rebecca. I’m new here so go easy on me.

I’m looking for an honest and kind guy, but still with a bit of an edge. I don’t mind a little bad boy as long as you’re a good guy. Does that make sense? If it does, we’re halfway there.

I play tennis and basketball. But I don’t necessarily need for a guy to be a jock. As long as you like to exercise and are into the outdoors I’m cool with that. Hiking, biking, and rollerblading are great too. I like to stay in shape and hope you care about that sort of thing too.

I’m an elementary school teacher, so I guess I like kids. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking for an insta-family. I’m looking for a guy who wants to have some fun but is still open to possibilities, if things progress. Also, I work hard to speak appropriately to my  students, so when I’m able to let my hair down I actually have a bit of a potty mouth. Sorry.

You can see from my profile picture what I look like. But what you can’t see is that I have a lot of energy too, kind of like a bunny. No, that’s not an invitation.

If you think you fit what I’m looking for I’d be interested in learning more about you.

Rebecca

This second profile description gets the okay from Ted even though he doesn’t love the bunny comment. But hey, a girl’s gotta be who she’s gotta be. Apparently my profile also gets the okay from a lot of other guys too, because I receive about 50 responses on the first day and about 250 in the first week. What I learn later is that being positive AND being a newbie gives me a decided advantage. Apparently some guys scour these sites continuously and when they see fresh meat, they pounce. So most of the responses I get are from “lifers.” Guys who have profiles on about 20 online dating sites. Serial daters. Guys looking for nothing other than a good time. And this is a big waste of time for me. It takes me hours to sort through all the crap and get down to the few guys who are actually legit. Darryl is one of them.

Darryl’s note is sweet.

Hey Rebecca,

I’m glad to see your profile here. You’re a very attractive woman. And kind of funny too.

Anyway, I think I’m a good guy—at least that’s what I’ve been told— but I’ll let you be the judge. I never like to assume.

Would you like to get together for coffee? Or do you want to get crazy and go roller-blading or biking or something?

I hope to hear from you.

Yours,

Darryl

I like his note well enough so I check out his profile. And when I do, it’s a done deal. Darryl is gorgeous. His skin is the shade of newly lacquered maple floors. (Which immediately brings back memories of my father splitting logs in our backyard for some reason.) Darryl’s hair is curly and closely cropped, providing a dark and contrasting backdrop to a smile that’s as unassuming as it is sexy. But it’s his eyes that have me. They’re green I think. But they seem to change colors every time I view his profile. At first I think it’s my computer, but I soon realize it’s not. His eyes are coral green, the color of the ever-changing ocean floor viewed through a rippling, watery lens.

I write back:

Hi Darryl,

Thanks for getting in touch with me. I like your profile as well.

Coffee sounds good. What did you have in mind?

Rebecca

His response:

R,

How about Sunday at 10am.

Are you a DD fan or Starbucks? Or something else?

D

I think to myself, “We’re already doing initials? Hmmm……”

I write back:

Darryl,

How about Starbucks at 10am this Sunday?

Rebecca

His response:

Sure. See you then.

I think it’s a bit quick to go from full names to initials, and then to no names in a matter of an hour. Who does this guy think he is?

Now I’m nervous. What did I do? Do I really want to meet this guy? I’ve never done this before. This is going to be weird. I don’t do blind dates. Maybe I should forget the whole thing?

But my friend Julie talks me off the ledge.

“It’s going to be fine. It’s just coffee. And the guy is gorgeous.” (I share Darryl’s profile with all my friends.)

“I know, but what the hell am I going to say to him? What if it’s just too awkward?”

“Well it might be, but what have you got to lose really? An hour out of your week?”

“But I’ll probably ending up saying a bunch of stupid things and embarrass myself.”

“Oh stop Rebecca. You’ll be fine. You’re good at talking. And you’re good at listening. One of them will work.”

“Okay, I guess so.”

Ted is also giving me pep talks and I somehow make it through the week. Which makes me wonder why Sunday? Why did Darryl schedule it on Sunday instead of Saturday? Does he have some big plans with someone else from the site too? Maybe I’m his backup plan?

You see, this is me. I’m always second guessing myself, driving myself crazy, and all my friends too. In every relationship I’ve ever been in I constantly question what’s going on: Why did he say that? Is he trying to tell me something? What did he mean by that? Is there something about him I’m missing? Is he the right guy for me? Maybe he’s the one? I wonder what he thinks of me? Maybe I shouldn’t have told him how I felt? I wonder if he’s dating other girls? Is he cheating on me? Is he going to leave me? Damn, what’s my problem. On and on, my thoughts spin over and over. And even after my friends share their positive opinions with me, as soon as I’m alone again, my mind goes right back to its endless cycle of doubt and worry.

The good thing is that this kind of thinking tires me out. And so after my Saturday workout—nothing like the treadmill to provide a perfect tempo to obsess with—I sleep my way through the rest of Saturday.

And then Sunday finally rolls around. And I’m scared shitless.

Next up: Chapter One: Part 2 (The Date)

Where do I begin?

I met this guy when he was dating a friend (not a close friend) about 5 years ago. We hit it off right away, but only as friends. About a year into their relationship she cheated on him for the first time. (My friend has a horrible cheating record and we all knew it would happen at some point.) This guy and I talked, connected, and shared a kiss. We both knew it was wrong and I told him to give her another chance, and he did. I was beginning to have feelings for him, but never pursued him because of the circumstances.

Fast forward a couple of years. The two broke up for good this time and he moved back to his hometown, which is five hours away. We kept in touch as friends over the years. Talking for a few hours every 5-6 months. I got in a relationship (which I’m trying to end amicably but I haven’t been happy for months..) and time moved on.

Now up to date: He was having a going away party because he was leaving for the army.  At the party, most people were wasted so we got to hang out and talk the whole night. He was being very flirty with me, brought up old times, and kept putting his arm around me. I got a little drunk and told him how I’ve always had slight feelings for him. He told me that he has too and he kissed me again. We stayed up all night talking and kissing. I was a little skeptical that maybe he just wanted to get some before leaving for basic. However, he was a gentleman and didn’t try to sleep with me.

Ever since the party, we’ve been texting. Not daily, but enough. He has said, “It really blows that we’re just now getting back in touch. Timing was never our thing.” And “We’ll write eachother and see what happens.” He leaves for basic tomorrow and we talked on the phone for about an hour tonight.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I keep him interested in me from a distance? Am I reading too much into this? We’re not dating by any means, but I don’t want to lose that opportunity. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I don’t want to come on too strong. I’ve been in a relationship for the past three years and I don’t really know how to do this anymore, especially when it’s someone who is far away with no phone/internet, and someone I don’t COMPLETELY know. Am I in over my head? Thanks for reading my dumb girl ramblings.

Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Thanks for your question. By no means do we think these are the ramblings of a “dumb girl.” We get it.

First of all, the fact that he once dated your friend has no bearing on this. That was in the past and if she has a problem with it she needs to get over it. It doesn’t sound like you’re worried about that too much but we just thought we’d throw it out there.

We’ve always felt there was something special about a written letter. It certainly is much more intimate than an email or a text. Remember, that’s how our parents and grandparents kept in touch, the golden age of correspondence. And it will give you an opportunity to add a personal touch every time you reach out to him. (Also an opportunity to possibly send small gifts, tokens, little things to remind him of home AND you.)

The other thing you have going for you is that he’s going to be very busy with basic training and he’s not going to be out at the bars every night hitting on other girls. He just won’t have the time, or the energy.

For now the best thing to do is try to keep the connection and energy alive, but let him be the one to get things going. Let him be the one to initiate. Believe us, if he’s really interested—which we think he is–he will want to keep this going. So really you don’t need to do anything but be yourself and trust your gut. Things will become clearer as this unfolds and you start corresponding.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and please keep us posted as this progresses. And have fun!

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

Contact Charlotte at: charlottepescale@gmail.com

Introduction:

I’m Rebecca.

I’ve been around. Seen some things. Done more things. And spent most of my life in and out of relationships. The “in” part of relationships is great, but the “out” part, not so much. But with each failed relationship I’ve learned just a little bit more about men. How they think. What drives them. What they want. So much so that these days I feel myself experiencing a transformation of sorts, as if I’m a woman’s body trapped inside a guy’s mind.

Before you get the wrong idea let me clarify. This is not some pronouncement of my future plans for a transgenderism, if that’s the correct terminology. No, I have no plans to change my body to fit my newfound knowledge of men. I’m actually very happy with, and in, my body. In fact I love my body. Everything about it. And why not? Why wouldn’t I? I’ve got what every woman wants, and every guy craves: balanced proportions.

No, I’m nothing special. I’m not overly busty, I don’t have curves that cause traffic accidents, and there are no plans for me to be on the cover of any magazine, but since, like I mentioned before, I’ve learned a few things along the way, I know I have the goods. My body works, it fits together, so I’ve been told many times over.

You see, guys don’t have a particular type. They’re not necessarily searching for a blonde bombshell, a leggy brunette, a country barn redhead, or some sort of Asian faire, they all just want things to kind of add up, make sense, fit together. It’s difficult for me to tell you what that exactly looks like because every guy is different. I just know I’ve got it. And believe it or not, most women do. The problem is that balanced proportions are only great for a time. Because sooner or later guys start craving some other set of proportions, one that you will never possess, and that’s when things can sour quickly.

Men are hardwired that way—at least that’s what all those fancy books say. Okay fine. Maybe men do desire diversity and are hardwired to spread their genetic makeup as far and wide as their possibilities let them. But honestly, I say, maybe a lot of these guys are just assholes, and they use all the research, and data, and the books, as an easy excuse to cheat. (Much more on that later.)

Yes I’ve learned a few things along the way. Many of which I will share in the upcoming chapters. But the most important thing I’ve learned, even with all my failed attempts at intimacy, is something I need to share with all of you now. Even if you don’t read more than this introduction, at least you’ll leave with some kernel of insight. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, lean in a little closer. And if you do, you can nod your head in agreement. Here it is: If a guy is horny he’ll say anything, do anything, act nicer, be more compassionate, reach out to your friends, compliment your mother, and even suck up to your father to get what he wants. If he thinks there’s even a remote chance he might “get lucky,” he’ll be the perfect man. And it gets worse. This next comment is especially directed toward the young ladies out there who might be new to the dating world. If the only time your guy says “I love you” is during his heightened state of being when he’s just about to explode and scream out your name—unless of course he forgets where he is and screams out someone else’s name—then you’ve got yourself a serious problem. If that’s the case, it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge.

So you’d think by now that all this intimate knowledge would have put me on the path to finding true love—and a good man—but it hasn’t. The problem is, although my brain may be tapped into the male network, my heart is still all woman, which pretty much cancels out all the male insights I’ve picked up along the way. Sure, I might know more than some women do when it comes to men, but somehow I still act like I’m this helpless and desperate being when I fall in love. I’m  disgusted by it really, because I’m actually a very confident and smart woman. Sure, some of this helplessness is an act. (Men like for you to tell them how incredible they are, so I play along. Yeah, what a fucking joke that is.) But a lot of it isn’t. It’s just me being pitiful.

I guess my real problem is that I like men a little bit too much. I can’t get enough of them. And we all know this kind of all consuming need is a problem. It’s never good to like or need something too much. Just think about all the things that fall into this category and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Here’s what falls into that category for me: Pizza, ice cream, shoes, texting, coloring my hair, handbags, pedicures, and cold beer. The problem for me is that all of those things lead to expansion. A tummy that no longer fits in those new designer jeans. A larger credit card bill. And an endless collection of footwear that clutters up my closet. It just means more and more and more. But liking a guy has the opposite effect for me. It often leads to less. Less confidence. Less respect for myself. And usually one less guy, once he sniffs my thoughts of commitment in the air.

Because guys are wimps. They can’t handle shit. Once they see the first sign that they’re actually going to have to work a little at maintaining a relationship—a relationship that they themselves started—they’ve already got one foot out the door. And that’s when those lame words come out of their mouth like, “Why does this have to be serious?” “Can’t we just have some fun?” “I need my guy time too.” “Why do we have to talk about everything all of the time?” And finally. “It’s your problem not mine.” It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

Now that I understand men better I get where all these inane statements are coming from. Sure, it’s a lot more pleasant to just roll through life enjoying the good times. And sometimes there really is no need to talk about every piece of minutia ad nauseum. But I also know as women that we’re not actually asking men to talk. We’re just asking them to LISTEN! And maybe with that, nod their head every once in a while and pretend they’re interested. How fucking hard is that? I mean c’mon. Is that really that difficult? I don’t think so.

But I keep coming back for more because I like men a lot. They’re playful. They’re rugged. They’re handsome. They’re quirky.  They’re scary. They’re exciting. And the best part, they’re different from me. Ladies, don’t get me wrong. I love my girlfriends and all the good times we have together, but I’m not looking to expand my horizons, and pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m into men exclusively. Because to me, you either are into men or you’re not into men.

Sure, I appreciate beauty in whatever form it presents itself. And women are certainly beautiful creatures; but when I get that tingle, and want something hard between my legs I’m not looking for some rubber rabbit, or some pulsing piece of plastic. Shit I can do that stuff on my own. (Which I do plenty.) No, I’m looking for the real thing. And only men can supply that kind of heavenly hardware.

But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier, being with a woman. I mean I get women. They get me. I understand where they’re coming from. I get what makes them happy. I get what frustrates them. I know where those special spots are, and I know what to do with them. Jeez, it would be so much easier just to punt—there’s my guy brain talking again—and join the women’s club. It’s pretty much a sure thing. Good conversation. Good sex. Good times.

But when I really think about it, that sounds so boring. Because where’s the mystery? Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I like that uneasy feeling of uncertainty. I like wondering: What’s he thinking? Where’s this going? Does he like me? Does he possibly love me? What does he mean when he says that? Does he mean what he says? Is he the one?

For me the mystery is the allure. Because a sure thing is all just fantasy. There are no guarantees in life. So why not go with the biggest mystery of all, a guy? And if it takes a lifetime to solve him who cares? At least it will be a life filled with intrigue and excitement. And great sex.

But I understand not everyone is like me. Some people aren’t that comfortable with a life of uncertainty. And so for those of you who want to know the “ins and outs” of relationships ahead of time, I figured I’d share my stories with you. That way maybe you can save yourself a few years and actually be able to have kids—if that’s what you want—before you have no choice but to use your ovaries to make wrinkled Christmas ornaments that you hang every year to remind yourself of all your regrets. Ouch.

So ladies—and men–these are my stories. My trials. My disappointments. My victories. My insights. My journey.  And maybe, just maybe, some of my foibles might help you figure out what’s going on with your relationship. Maybe as you read about my troubles you’ll recognize something familiar in them. And with that, you’ll gain some new understanding. That’s my hope at least.

So here we go. Try not to laugh too much. Because we’ve all made mistakes haven’t we? Okay, maybe I’m the person who skews the average a bit, but hey, I’m a slow learner. And cut me some slack. It’s taken a long time to start thinking like a guy, especially when my heart flutters like a butterfly every time I smell the possibility of new love in the air.

Coming next week: Chapter 1

From THE GUYS: Please leave Charlotte a comment. And let your friends know about her. And us. Thanks!

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

About 8 years ago I hooked up with my boss. I had a crush on him since I started the job. About a year later we hooked up. A one time only thing because I found out he was in a relationship that I didn’t know about.

We recently found each other again and he asked about hooking up again and seeing where things go this time because he’s single. I don’t know what to do.  My problem is that I’ve always liked him and I really don’t know what his real intentions are. Is he just after a piece of ass or is he being real about things going somewhere?  I know I will get attached because I don’t just go have sex to have sex.  Should I give it a chance or run?

Jacquelyn

Dear Jacquelyn,

Thanks for your question.

The red flag here is that he had sex with you while he was in a relationship. That’s really our only concern here. If he did that then who’s to say he’s really changed? But it’s possible. That would be up to you to figure out.

However, having said that, life is about taking risks. And if you really like this guy we don’t see why you can’t explore things. BUT…we wouldn’t start off by hooking up and having sex with him. That’s a bad idea. Very bad idea. If he really wants to see where things go, suggest a proper type of courtship. If he’s really into exploring a relationship with you he’ll be open to this suggestion. If he’s not, and he keeps pushing for sex and a FWB arrangement, then you’ll have your answer.

RUN!

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I feel like my 32 year old boyfriend is obsessed with sex, naked women, and porn. He stares (not looks!) at other women while we are out together. I understand people’s eyes wander, but he has in the past made me feel like I wasn’t even there. I confronted him about it but he thinks I’m being crazy and usually just gets defensive. He combats me with accusing me of “forcing him to walk on egg shells” but I just want him to respect me while I am with him.

He also told me he masturbates at least twice a day (which I know from doing his laundry, yuck) which to me sounds more to me like a 16 year old than a 32 year old. I can only assume that he’s watching porn while he does this… Which, c’mon… he probably is. And the other day I was using his StumbleUpon app on his iPhone and in his history it showed that he only ‘stumbled upon’ his “babes” interest and the last 1,700+ pages he saw were of completely naked women in provocative positions, some with other women. THAT’S AT LEAST 1,700 WOMEN ON HIS CELL PHONE ALONE!

We have a pretty regular sex life and I would like to do it more, but now all I can think about is whether or not he is fantasizing about someone else while we are being intimate. And some nights he rolls over as if sex means nothing and I know sometimes it’s just because he jerked off before I came over. He says he loves me and finds me sexy and loves fooling around, and he really is an amazing boyfriend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing in comparison to all of these other women.

I’m usually very confident, but I sincerely feel like he’s obsessed with women and getting off. I DON’T GET IT. And he’s cheated in the past on some/one of his girlfriends, so I worry about this behavior encouraging him to cheat. I want to confront him about it, but I feel like he would just get defensive and angry and I doubt it would change anything. And I’m starting to feel like I’m not enough for him. Please help… Am I crazy? Am I over-thinking this? Or is this abnormal?

Heather

Dear Heather,

Thanks for your question.

So if your boyfriend makes you feel defensive, insecure, and less confident what is it about him that makes him amazing? Honestly, we’re just curious. Because a guy could have a lot going for him—smart, confident, good looking, successful—but could still be a shitty boyfriend or husband.

But let’s talk about the specifics of your question. It’s pretty “normal”—although remember, normal is kind of subjective—for a guy to look at other women—including women online—as well as pleasure himself regularly, even if he’s very happy and satisfied in his relationship. But two times a day sounds a bit excessive. Our biggest question is, how does he have the time? Does he have a job? As far as looking at woman while he’s with you, that’s a whole other story. Sure guys look, as you say, but stare, no. He should absolutely be focused on you while he’s with you. That doesn’t mean he has to lavish you with PDA (Public Displays of Affection) but it does mean if he needs to look at the hot girl who’s walking by he should do it discreetly, or at least include you. (Some women don’t mind if their guy looks as long as they are included.) But even with that, a guy should be respectful of the woman he’s with. And the same holds true for woman with their men.

From what you’re describing, yes, your guy seems to be over the top when it comes to porn. Most guys have some interest and dabble when they “need to” but we still come back to the time issue. Most guys just don’t have the time to stay home, pop in a video, and go to town on their “special buddy.” At least not everyday.

As far as his past indiscretions, he shouldn’t be held hostage for that. Yes, he has a track record, but people do learn and change, although you’re right to be aware of this. Cheating is a behavior that’s difficult to change, because it’s more about the person who’s cheating rather than the person being cheated on. It has more to do with the person’s own feelings of self-worth, or even on the flip side, entitlement. This is something to keep your eyes open about.

We just think you need to ask yourself, are you happy? Are you getting what you need from this guy? Let’s say he continues his behavior but still treats you well, are you okay with this? And what is it about him that’s amazing? Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him? Once you answer some of these questions we think things will become clearer and clearer for you. Remember Heather, don’t settle. The guy you are with should respect you, and care enough about you, that if something’s bothering you, he would do whatever he can to find a solution. Because relationships are all about trust, respect, good communication, and effective problem solving. You want someone who’s not always going to deflect the blame onto you.

We hope this helps. Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, and/or question. And keep us posted on how this unfolds.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Questions about Sex, Porn, Cheating:

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

I really need to get advice from a guy. I’ve already talked to so many women and we see my situation the same, because I am being told by my fiance of two years that “I just don’t get it.” So I thought I’d ask for a guy’s perspective.

So when we began dating he had a friend that is a girl, that once was a “friend with benefits.”  But once he was serious with me he said they were just friends. They continued to talk (Long distance) on the phone and she would call him for anything and everything she needed. After some time of this, I put my foot down. Let me rewind a little first though. Before I did that I would listen to their conversations because they were always at any inconvenient time like during our dinner, or when, or wherever. He would always drop everything to tend to whatever she needed to talk about. So, I put my foot down and basically said her or me. He chose me and did truly cut things off with her. They haven’t talked for a year and a half. He didn’t see anything wrong with carrying on the way he did with her. AM I wrong and not wanting to have my boyfriend, now fiance, talking in a teasing playful way to another woman?

The other part to my relationship is that he is divorced, but only had been married for 5 years and has been divorced for longer than that. He got very hurt by his ex because she cheated on him. I think a lot. He has told me that NO WOMAN will ever tell him what to do. I don’t tell him what to do, but I think he wants me to see him as a guy that is going to do whatever he wants and he does do that regardless of how I feel. I think it’s his way of showing me that the world does want him, almost like he’s trying to prove something not to me, but to his ex, but it is taken out on me.

He is the most social 37 year old I know. When I go do things it’s like he doesn’t like me to go out. I see this as a double standard. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m the top of his totum pole……BUT at times when it’s gotten tough between us, he is SO scared to lose me. I don’t get it. I think he’s just trying to control me in a way he couldn’t do with his ex by telling me over and over that he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants and I need to be submissive.

I’m just hoping for a guy’s point of view because he is telling me that I am the one with the problem. NOT him.

Thank you!

Tamie

Dear Tamie,

Thanks for your question.

We’re with you on a lot of this. While we encourage people to have friendships with the opposite sex—nothing like getting a completely different perspective on the world—these friendships should not undermine, impinge, or derail a committed romantic relationship. Your fiance’s relationship with his “ex-FWB” definitely crossed the boundary of what we see as appropriate. Maybe he wasn’t cheating on you, but he certainly was having an intimate emotional relationship with her. And she in particular was leaning on him to provide the kind of support a boyfriend or husband might provide. And he happily provided it. So you were right to step in and put your foot down. What bothers us is that he didn’t see it first.

Yes, his past is certainly impacting your relationship. But we can understand how he feels. He probably catered to his ex-wife’s every whim only to find out she was cheating on him. Talk about being blindsided and hit below the belt. He probably made a pact with himself that that would never happen again. The problem is, he’s put a wall up, and that’s fine when you’re dating casually, but not when you’re involved in an intimate relationship that requires trust and open communication.

What he needs to understand from you is that you’re not his ex. And that while you may want to be at the top of the “totem pole”—and we agree you should be–you’re not asking him to give up his life for you. You’re just asking him to keep you in his mind when he navigates the world. Meaning, he should think about you when he makes decisions. Am I being true to her? How would she feel about what I’m doing? Because that’s what people do when they’re in love and committed to another person. They don’t put themselves in positions that might jeopardize their relationship and hurt the other person. What could fall into this category? Drinks with a hot co-worker instead of coming home to have dinner. Putting guys’ night out ahead of your date night. Visiting the coffee shop that’s completely out of the way just to see and talk with the cute barista. None of these things are that bad really—well, maybe they are— but they derive from a selfish place, a me-centered place. You’ve seen those bumper stickers that say, “What would (blank) d0?” Well in this case both of you should always be asking, “How would (blank) feel about this?”

We think you need to start talking about all of this with him. First he needs lots of reassurance. That you love him. That you’ll be true to him. That you want him to be happy. That you think he’s a stud. (We just threw that in for good measure. All guys like to know they’re hot too.) But then he needs to really understand how you feel about his behavior and what YOU NEED from this relationship. He isn’t getting it. And when a guys says, “It’s your problem” you’ve got yourself a problem. Successful relationships involve two people, which means, he should care very much that you’re unhappy and try everything he can to figure out a solution with you. Because we don’t think you’re being unreasonable. In fact, you sound quite level-headed to us about the whole situation.

Last thing: This needs to be resolved BEFORE you get married. Otherwise you both could be headed for a difficult road.

We hope this helps you—AND your female friends. Please keep us posted as this progresses. And leave us a follow up comment. We’d love to hear your thoughts.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

“Breaking free from parents” by Saelen Ghose

We live on a cul-de-sac, which is neither significant or insignificant, except that after the school bus picks up my kids, it has to to go up the hill, pick up a few more kids, and then swing right back past my house. At which time, my two youngest kids wave to me with their little faces pressed against the window so it looks as if they are only that: two floating heads and four detached hands. To me, this is a highlight of my crazy morning, because it means that at least two out of my three children aren’t completely embarrassed of me yet, and in fact are actually happy to see me standing there every morning for our departing ritual.

I’m still puzzled about my oldest son’s behavior though. Not only does he not wave, but he does his best to disappear into the swarm of kids so I can’t even see him as the bus drives by. I mean I understand that he wants to be more independent and I realize that he’s approaching twelve—which puts him smack in the middle of the pre-teen years—but really? He’s not that old. And frankly, I thought I was different. I thought I somehow got an exemption. I mean, I’ve showed him how to do all sorts of hip things. Things that he actually uses, and things that his friends also think are hip. Like how to throw properly, how to do a nasty crossover dribble, how to use his hips for power when he swings a baseball bat, and how to ride a Ripstick. We also love the same movies. We laugh at a lot of the same jokes and we really enjoy our conversations when we’re alone. So what could I possibly be doing wrong? How did I traverse to the land of square parents who can’t do or say anything right? It’s a mystery to me.

Of course, I remember being mortified by my own parents. All they had to do was get within a football field of me and I’d start getting sweaty palms. One of the most memorable infractions occurred during a few of my high school baseball games. My mom would take it upon herself to stand behind the backstop while I was up to bat and give me hitting tips. I know she had good intentions, but talk about embarrassing. This “tutoring session” would no doubt give the umpire a good chuckle and the catcher a knowing look that said, “I feel for ya buddy. But I’m glad it’s you, not me.”

Pre-teens are just beginning to break free from their parents. They want to feel like they have some control over their own decisions. They want to be treated like adults even if their brain development is lagging far behind their quickly maturing bodies.  Basically, they want to be autonomous. But does that really mean they have to discard the people who love them the most during this time of self-actualization?

My wife was lamenting about this during halftime at a recent basketball game. She said she tried to talk to our oldest son before the game started and instead of getting a smile and a hello, she got a scowl as he turned his back. Yes, I’ll be talking to him about this later, but I reminded her that he cares so much about what his friends think that he can’t figure out how to balance fitting in, with being polite to his mom.

I get a bit more leeway than his mother, since I seem to know a thing or two about the things he cares about, but it’s also painfully clear to me that no matter how cool I think I am, how hip, or how current I am, it’s not possible for me to stay cool during this period in his life. As all my kids search to discover who they are, and who they want to be, my wife and I are pretty much standing in the way of their goals, at least in their eyes.

For now I’ll keep waving as long as my two younger kids wave back, because every day I remain a “cool dad” to them is a victory for me. But the more I think about it, the more I want to keep waving even if they don’t wave back. Because I know that someone on the bus will wave to me. Some delicate little kindergartner who misses their mommy or daddy will see me waving and wave back, believing my gesture is meant for them. Our newly formed relationship will be mutually beneficial. I will make them feel more relaxed as they head to their busy day at school, and they’ll serve as a channel for me to send love to my own kids. Because I know that somewhere on the bus my kids will be observing this interaction and will be happy that I’m standing there, giving them support even as they push me away.

Join Saelen on Twitter: @saelenghose

Dear Guys,

About two months ago I met someone online on a Sugar Daddy Website. It was the first time either of us has ever met up with anyone from the website. Let’s call him Jack. Jack is 39 and very wealthy. His work causes him to travel a lot. He broke off his engagement of about a year back in November. I am 19 and currently a student.

Jack and I have only met up twice so far. Both times we went out to a very nice dinner and afterward we had sex. Jack is a gentlemen in all areas; during intercourse he always pleases me first and if a position hurts he will change it to what he can tell I am comfortable with. Though we met on a sugar daddy website, Jack and I have never made arrangements for pay or anything to make it seem like that type of arrangement. I guess it feels more like casual dating. I once asked Jack what we were doing and he replied “Getting to know each other right now and seeing if we are compatible.”

He texts me everyday since the first time we have talked. Sometimes he will answer right away, but a majority of the time he takes anywhere from an hour to three hours to reply to me. I know he is busy being away for work, but does this mean anything?

I have come to develop feelings for Jack, but I am not quite sure what he is looking for and I find it awkward to ask because of how we met, and also the age difference. I was wondering if you could help me and give me some advice as to what he may want or be thinking? How should I act towards the situation? Also with the communication when we aren’t together with him taking hours to answer me. Should I not answer him right away? Do you think anything serious could ever come out of this? What is your opinion about the situation; any advice you could give me would be great.

Kay

Dear Kay,

Thanks for your question.

Taking in consideration the way you met, it’s hard to say how this will unfold. But typically, the nature of a “sugar daddy relationship” is casual, similar to what you describe. Dating and sex. We’re not sure what motivated you to join the dating site, but from a guy’s perspective, he’s probably looking for exactly what he’s getting. Someone much younger he can take out on the town and enjoy in the bedroom when he’s not busy with work—which by the way is probably his first priority. However, having said that, it is possible that some of the men on the site are looking for a younger woman to marry, but not likely.

So we have two questions for you.

If work is his first priority is he still someone you’d like to have a more serious and committed relationship with?

And what initially motivated you to join the Sugar Daddy Website?

The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it at some point. Let him know how you’re feeling and see where his head’s at. It might be a little too soon for that, but you’re certainly not going to get any answers by keeping your feelings to yourself. And our rule is, if you’re already being physical then the relationship has progressed enough to talk about the future. As far as his response time. No worries. As long as he’s getting back to you in a few hours that’s fine. No need to change your behavior and respond slower, but certainly you can if you want to mirror him.

One thing you can do in the meantime. See if he still has a profile up on the Sugar Daddy site. Not, by snooping, but by using your profile and checking out the site. (We don’t encourage you to go through his phone or computer. That’s not a great way to solidify a partnership of any kind, even though it’s tempting.) That would tell you if he’s at all serious about you, or if he’s still trolling for more women.

Finally, we’d still like to encourage you to date men of all ages—preferably someone a little closer to your age—especially since you’ve expressed interest in having a committed relationship.

We hope this helps a little. Please leave us a comment. We’d like to hear more of your thoughts.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

I am a divorced mom with two boys, 8 and 5.  Just a few months after my divorce I met a younger man (yes, 10 years younger) and we very quickly became a couple.  Within weeks he was “in love” with me and spending time with my boys; and within two months living with us and my mother.

Two and a half years later we are still together. We have had our ups and downs; he doesn’t have children and that alone is daunting. I am OCD and he is flighty, I have to have a game plan, but like to break my own rules; he asks what rules? I am a cheerleader; he hates life but does nothing to change it. We are ying and yang, yet we just seem to click in every aspect of our relationship.

Last year he bought a house for us and we began a new life in a new home, the four of us, a “family” (without the marriage).

For many years my mom had been sick (alcoholism) but nobody saw what my boyfriend and I did, nobody realized just how bad it was. Before, during, and after my divorce she was very much a part of my everyday life.  She and my boys were so close; she helped me as a partner would; she was my full time babysitter, my grocer, my helper, my everything, and then she died in October.

My boyfriend was there for me through it all; he was a part of each tear, each goodbye. He loved my mom and they got along so well. It has been terrible these last few months, but I know it was better because he was there, because he is my best friend.

So what is the problem?  Ying and yang are growing apart. I feel like I’m a martyr now, especially without my mom’s help. I take care of the kids; he sleeps in until minutes before leaving for work. I go to work only to come home and clean the house, do laundry and make sure everything is in order for the next day. He and the kids are on Playstation 3 most nights, caring less about the mopping or mirrors. I barely sleep anymore and when I do my mom haunts my dreams. I am overwhelmed with work, kids, him, life…and he started drinking again, drinking a lot, and I really hate that, especially after watching mom.

I am still grieving, my kids are grieving and it doesn’t seem like he notices, it seems he has finished grieving. Lately I feel invisible to him; my feelings seem to go unnoticed. I tried talking about it, even begging him to listen because that is what friends do.  But he stopped listening to me; sometimes he says I’m playing a guilt card. When I said I didn’t want to have to find a new best friend he cried. But two days later, he is oblivious again. He is miserable at his job, never asking about me, barely noticing me leaving for work and then having friends over while I work doubles. I’m just whooped and I don’t think he cares anymore.

I am not happy.  But I don’t know if it’s really all him, or actually because of all of the things that have happened. Regardless, if this relationship is doomed, I don’t have the means to go out on my own yet, and wouldn’t even know where to begin. My boys would be heartbroken; they have been through so much already. But I feel like there is something wrong in this relationship. It is either something selfish on his part, or needy and controlling on mine.

No, I haven’t done much grief counseling for myself, it would be one less hour that I could try and catch some sleep. No, I don’t go to church; I don’t have any other family around and not many girlfriends. There truly isn’t time for much of anything anymore and I feel like it’s just me hanging on by my fingernails on a cliff. I don’t feel like we are partners anymore, and now I wonder if we ever were. Maybe I didn’t notice because my mom filled the part?

Does this seem like behavior as “usual” after losing a parent, or am I in for a real shock to find out this is how hard life really is? That sometimes you can’t cheer your way out of a tough time and just have to take it as it comes, like it or not?  Am I asking too much of him or is he really self absorbed and too young?  I’m so worried about everything, too worried I think.

Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

Thanks for your question.

Please accept our condolences. It’s very hard to lose someone you love. And losing a parent is like losing your anchor. In some ways it’s the beginning of your life as an adult.

Everyone grieves in their own way. And your boyfriend and you are both very different people. While you feel the pain every moment of your day, he has turned to drink and other distractions to ease his pain. (Not just the pain he feels about your mother, but also the pain he feels seeing you so heartbroken.)  Your guy feels powerless because he doesn’t know how to make it all better. Guys react two ways to this type of situation. They either throw themselves into the fray and try to fix the problem or they withdraw. Your guy is doing the latter.

This is also playing out in the division of chores. Even in your grief you know you have responsibilities and you take those seriously. You know that if you don’t do them no one will. And we agree that however your guy was contributing before your mother’s death should be the way he’s contributing now, or even more since she did so much for your family. But don’t undervalue what he’s currently contributing. This may sound silly, but making your sons’ lives happier by playing games with them is actually quite important at this juncture in their lives. Yes, we understand you feel resentful because you’re slaving around the house trying to make sure everything is running smoothly, but if you think about this from a mother’s perspective you’ll realize that he is contributing in his own way.

The drink is another matter entirely. This is above our “pay grade” but it’s likely he needs some professional help. In fact both of you could probably benefit from some sort of grief counseling. You say you don’t have the time but this could be a situation where you need to find the time somehow, some way. In fact the two of you probably should be seeing a couple’s counselor to help you work through this difficult time and move your relationship to a more solid place.

Is he too young to handle all of this? It’s possible. And it’s possible that your mother’s death and the void she left has made him realize that he’s not ready for all of this. Maybe he’s not ready to have an instant family, and maybe he wants to start life with a woman who is more his age with a similar set of experiences? We can’t say really, only he can. But these questions should be part of a larger conversation about your relationship: the now, and where it’s headed in the future.

Because of the huge role your mother played in the everyday functioning of your household you’re being hit extra hard by her passing. Not only did you lose a close friend, but you lost a partner, a teammate, and a fellow cheerleader. We do think you’ll figure out how to make it work day-to-day, but at least until you find another partner willing to share these responsibilities with you, things will be hard. And you certainly deserve to have someone who is going to be willing and able to step up to the plate. We are hoping your guy will be the one to do this.

Please feel free to ask any follow up questions. And take care. We hope you can work this all out.

THE GUYS

Can a guy’s taste really change? 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

Hey Guys,

I’m a girl and I have this problem of attracting guys I don’t like, and losing the men I do like; and I really have know idea why. (I tend to go for the quiet, smart, and noble type like Alucard from Castlevania or Link from Legend of Zelda rather then the stereotypical bad boy).

I mean, I’m a bit quiet and reserved, and I’m tall and skinny like a model so I’m not very concerned with how I look. I hate makeup, I speak frankly, and I wear hoodies and cargo shorts because they’re convenient. I often talk and daydream about the world and philosophy, and I love video games. People keep telling me I’m a man’s dream come true, but if it was, I wouldn’t be having this problem. Am I too weird and boy-ish? Should I try wearing dresses, makeup, and frilly things like other girls even though I don’t like it? I like me the way I am, but I still have yet to get a good boyfriend and I’m 20.

I know girls have all these ‘handbooks on men’ but I think that’s just a bunch of crap. I want to hear it from a guy, but my guy friends got the wrong idea when I asked.

Lolly

Dear Lolly,

Thanks for your question.

Our answer: Keep being yourself. That’s the most attractive quality in a woman—or anyone for that matter.

It’s probably less your looks and more your attitude. Wearing hoodies, loose clothes, and other boyish attire might be telling the guys who you might want to meet that you’re not open to their advances. You see, most guys need to think they have some sort of chance with a woman. If they see a girl who either looks threatening, unavailable, or out of their league, they’re not going to even try. Guys might pretend they are full of confidence, but their egos are often fragile—especially younger guys. (Guys in their teens and early 20s)

So this is not about dresses and makeup it’s about making yourself seem more open. Is there a way you can do this without compromising who you are? You seem like  a smart person, so we have no doubt that you can figure this out.

Also, it’s possible you keep traveling in the same circles and meeting the same kinds of guys. Are you in college? Taking classes? Pursuing your interests in a broader way? This is the best way to meet some guys you might actually like. Common interest is a great place to start.

Finally, stop fretting. It will happen for you. You are young, and the guys you’re hanging with just don’t “see you” yet. Trust us, at some point you won’t know how to fend off all the advances. At which time you might need to enlist Alucard and Link to help you.

We hope this helps a little.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Ok so I have been sleeping with this guy for a while and recently over the past month or so he’s been acting like he wants more, wanting to date, making romantic gestures, sex getting regrettably less energetic on his part, wanting to talk more and snuggle in front of the TV. It’s thrown me; it was only supposed to be sex to start with. Also I met his ex I am so not his type.

Last year I fell for a guy and it was this whole whirlwind thing but he turned out to be sexually and emotionally abusive. Since then I haven’t felt ready to even consider letting anyone get that close; but with this guy it’s different and I have been questioning whether I could try to be with him. The problem is that if I’m going to take this massive step I kind of need him to be serious. And given how different I am from his ex I’m not sure he is. I don’t know if it’s really possible to change what you look for in someone that much.

Nobody wants to realize they are a carbon copy of someone’s ex but what if you realize you’re polar opposites?  He’s not been with many women and they were together for four years so obviously she must be his type. And given how different we are I don’t see how his taste could change so dramatically. She’s tall, dark, and really curvy. I’m short, just under 5ft 4, pale and skinny thanks to a long struggle with an eating disorder. She’s posh and dresses really conservative where I’m more of a tomboy, wearing baggy jeans, skinny fit band tops, eyeliner, long, always slightly messy black hair. He never went out drinking with her or took her to a metal gig which is the kind of dating I do. Apparently her conservative demeanor extended into the bedroom; they didn’t even sleep together until seven months into their relationship whereas although I’m not proud to admit it, we got together through impromptu group sex after a lot of Jack Daniels.

However much of it comes down to acting out after my last relationship. When I met him sex was about taking control and getting off and I was having a lot of it. She’s the kind of girl you want to marry and take home to mum. And honestly I’ve never been a saint and I guess I feel like I’m the kind of girl you wouldn’t dream of doing either of those with. She’s confident and independent and I’m damaged and I don’t see how I could possibly compete with her.

Is it possible that a guy could really be attracted to two women who are so different or is he just trying to prove something to himself? At 21, I’m three years younger than both of them are and come with a lot more baggage. Why would a guy want to take that on especially when he’s obviously been used to something so much better?

Just really think I need a guy’s perspective on this.

Kahlan

Dear Kahlan,

Thanks for your question.

We’ll start with a question. Why can’t you just take things at face value? It seems like he’s really into you, so why are you questioning his motives, or his tastes? Honestly, your questions seem more about some of your insecurities rather than this guy’s tastes.

Sure, some guys may have a type, but typically guys are attracted to anyone who is, um, attractive. We don’t just go for blondes, brunettes, tall girls, curvy types, fashionable girls, girls with dimples, athletic girls, skinny girls, and every other possible type. We go for women we are attracted to for one reason or another. Often it’s hard for us to even explain. So guys do have a type: the type of girl they are attracted to.

Stop worrying about what you aren’t and realize that this guy is into all the things you are. From what you describe you are: fun, exciting, maybe a bit “dangerous”, interesting, open, enthusiastic, inquisitive, attractive, etc. We could go on.  And we’re sure he could go on and on about all the reasons he’s into you.

We are not guaranteeing anything here, but we are saying, ENJOY IT. See what happens. Don’t second guess his motives, or what he’s thinking. And if you’re not sure you could always ask him. But be careful not to make him feel like he always has to build you up. One of the most attractive qualities a women can have is confidence. So just be yourself.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And leave us a comment.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other related posts: 

Do looks matter? 

I’m short and I don’t feel beautiful

I am a college freshman (18 yrs old) and recently I been having trouble with a class. I got tutoring but then switched my tutors to this guy who I found very attractive. (He is 25 yrs old). After our first tutoring session he texted me and we briefly flirted. At the end of our second session we end up having a hot make out session which lead to me pleasuring him.

After that he didn’t text me but I texted him asking for tutoring the next day. The next day after our tutoring session as I was about to leave he kissed me. I told him it didn’t feel right to be making out because I barely knew him and he was my tutor. However, we kept making out and things kept getting hotter and hotter. We ended up having sex. At the end I ended up telling him that I actually wanted him to ask me out. He was like really I didn’t know.

Well the thing is that I am really attracted to him. He is funny, witty, intelligent, hot, talented, and nice. I like him but I feel like he thinks I am just a FWB. I don’t know what to do because I thought he wanted to ask me out or liked me but he hasn’t done anything about it. And the bad thing is that I keep thinking about him and I want to be with him again. I don’t know what to tell him. I want to clarify and know what he wants. I need a guy’s perspective on this!

Haley

Dear Haley,

Thanks for your question.

Your situation is confusing because you’ve wandered into murky waters. Typically students and teachers shouldn’t be having any sort of relations outside the classroom. (This includes tutors as well. ) We do realize you’re 18 and of age, but that doesn’t mean he’s got a free pass. And if he is employed by your college he certainly understands what the boundaries are.

If the two of you want to have some sort of relationship you should stop seeing him as a tutor and see if he’ll ask you out on a proper date. But honestly, we’re not even encouraging that, because there’s a large divide between the two of you. He’s already out in the adult working world, and frankly you’ve only just graduated from high school. This might not seem like a big deal but there’s a huge gap in emotional and cognitive maturity here. Also, factor in that he’s your tutor, which makes it difficult to have a balanced relationship because he automatically has more power, being in a position of authority. What essentially happens is the tutor/student dynamic continues into the actual relationship.

We know you’re smitten, but honestly we don’t think he’s looking for anything more than a good time with you. And it doesn’t sound like that’s really what you want. (We don’t blame you.) So our suggestion: Get a different tutor and find yourself a nice guy who is a student at your college.

Check out our video: Dating older men

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Other questions about student/teacher dating and dating older men: 

Does my coach love me or am I being delusional?

Teacher/student: I thought he was into me but he never asked me out

So I went out with this guy for three-and-a-half months. I was his first girlfriend but he wasn’t mine; however I liked him for two years before we started to go out. He asked me out after I told him I liked him and we texted each other for a while.

So after being together with him for two months I agreed to have sex. He and I were so close; we’d share everything. He’d share things with me that he’d never told anyone except for his best friend. We weren’t only a couple but also best friends and we said we loved each other all the time. He told me how he’d miss me the moment I would leave and he would dream about me. It was all going fine until his mother found out we had had sex.

She and his father told him that he must break up with me and not speak to me again. His mother decided once he finishes school at the end of the year that they are gonna move interstate. He called me one night and told me what they had said but he said he had no intention of doing so. We saw each other and talked and he cried a lot and said it was impossible to leave and why did he have to love me so much. The next day we saw each other again and talked more and I drove him home. His mother got really angry and that afternoon he broke up with me and then his mother forced him back into the house.

A week later I went and saw him at work, intending to speak to his mum and defend myself. He told me she was too upset and had made herself sick crying herself to sleep. We talked for a bit, he said he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he had to focus on his studies. We hugged and I left.

I called him two days later and he told me that he didn’t love me and he didn’t want to see or hear from me again. I don’t understand what happened? He and I were both of legal age of consent. How could he go through all that and then simply say such awful things? I am so confused. I still love him. What can I do?

Three weeks later I decided to go to his house and his mum answered the door. I asked her why and all she said was it doesn’t matter and that I have to move on and that he had. She said that she didn’t want anything to begin again and she didn’t want to get mad. I apologized for everything but she still wouldn’t tell me. I asked why she hated me and she insisted she didn’t. I kept asking why but she wouldn’t give me a reason and then she said to leave, shut the door and turned off the light.

My friend said that he should have a face-to-face conversation with me but he said he is over me and doesn’t want to see me. I’m crushed. I never thought I could feel so awful. I’m constantly crying and have a massive headache now. :’(

I’m so hurt and confused. I’ve never loved someone like this.

Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about how this has all turned out.

Clearly this guy’s mom plays a very influential role in his life.  (Actually both his parents.) Your guy still feels the need to gain her approval. Obviously she was not on board with your relationship, so instead of making his own decisions and going against her wishes he decided it was easiest to break up with you and move on. (Unless of course he’s using her as an excuse to hide the fact that he wanted to break up with you already. We actually don’t get that sense, but we wanted to put it out there anyway.)

You’ve heard the term “Mama’s Boy.” Typically that term is thrown around when a grown man allows his mother to weigh in on decisions that should no longer involve her. These guys also have a harder time forming their own relationships with women for fear of hurting their own mother. It’s hard for us to judge here and say for sure that your guy is falls into this category. (We don’t know the circumstances. We don’t know how old you both are. Etc.) But we’re getting a whiff of it. He should be making his own decisions, and not allowing his mother to dictate the course of his life. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t seek advice from his parents, but we don’t believe they should be weighing in on his intimate relationships.

What’s also troubling is that he hasn’t had the decency to speak with you in person. Breaking up with someone over the phone is immature and unfair. And it shows a lack of courtesy and empathy. It also gives you a glimpse into how he handles difficult situations. Do you want a relationship with someone who runs when the going gets tough? Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Don’t you want someone you know you can trust and count on?

We’re sorry this has turned out this way, but unfortunately you’re not going to get the answers you’re looking for. His parents have spoken for him and that’s the way it’s going to be. We can only hope that someday he’ll want to explain this to you face-to-face. But that’s not going to happen until he’s ready to make his own decisions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about break ups: 

Breaking up

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Was breaking up with him the right thing to do? 

A year ago I met a man online by that certain website that ‘matches’ us. It was only a trial membership, but as the saying goes…’never say never’. Anyway, this man lives in N.Carolina and I live in Chicago. I winked at him apparently but I don’t remember that part. Let’s just call him John. John wanted to come to Chicago to meet me and I had some reservations due to the long distance. John travels for a living, and at that time I was kind of looking for someone who travels, as my job sometimes caused me to travel.

Now John and I are both divorced and both have a son. My son is older and my plans are to move from Chicago once my son graduates from high school. Fast forward. John and I had several obstacles due to our schedules and after three months he decided it was too hard and it was best to move on. I was devastated, more then I ever expected. I really started to fall in love with John. I know in my heart, he too felt the same, but was trying to be the good man that he is and be honest and told me it was best we move on and that he wished things could be different with our situation. He wanted to remain friends, and I couldn’t. It would be too hard for me. John was shocked about that.

So a year goes by and John reaches out to me. A whole year of my trying to move on and date other people. I had so much emotion when I finally saw his text that I had to control myself. It seems what I felt inside was still very much alive and buried deep, and even caught me by surprise. So it took me a while to reply to him. I made it clear that I wanted a relationship and that I deserved someone who wants me as much as I want them. He agreed we should see each other because he felt something was there, and that he was thinking of me. So we started to make plans for him to come to Chicago. In a time span of two weeks of planning to see each other, John calls me to tell me he had come back from the doctor and he has testicular cancer.  My heart sank. All I kept thinking is….he can’t die….there is no way this man came back into my life to die. So I stayed strong and did everything I could (from a distance) to be there and supportive.

Slowly…John started to sound depressed, and scared, and his demeanor became distant. He was dealing with work and family and me …out there far away. John had surgery and had a good prognosis of just needing radiation. This kind of cancer is curable, and he didn’t tell me what stage, but being in healthcare I know that him not having chemo was a good sign. The irony of all this is that my ex-husband also had testicular cancer. Just my luck. Only difference is that I love John far more then my ex-husband. So we had to push our meeting back until after his surgery.

On February 24 John came to Chicago, thin , frail and still healing only two-and-a-half weeks after surgery. To see me. He spent three days with me. He seemed not himself, for what I sensed what he was just going through. Conversations led to tears and past hurts he had from relationships that caused him great pain, and all of sudden his doubts and fears about hurt and trust were surfacing. After a year of not speaking, to this….I didn’t know what to think. I felt like he wanted to end things to do the noble thing…once again. Was it the cancer, was it me?

He wanted me back in his life, before he got diagnosed, so why now is he changing his mind? We basically said our goodbyes at the airport. He was crying and I think afraid that I told him I love him. At this point I had nothing more to lose to let him know. I know it probably made him scared but I don’t care. Do you think I will hear from him? All he kept saying is that he didn’t have the same strong feelings that I had for him. But initially before the cancer diagnosis, he felt something was there and when I told him I wanted a relationship, he agreed and wanted to see me. It all changed when the cancer happened. As sore as he was we did make love when he was with me. I believe that he loves me but is scared now. I can’t stop crying and I miss him so much. Could someone just not care just like that? I did email him to tell him that I still want to be with him and that I am there. No response. I dont know how to move past this. It’s like I am grieving and so worried about him.

Will I ever hear from him? Please help.

Concetta

Dear Concetta,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.

When someone is faced with a personal challenge—especially when it’s health related like cancer—they often try to surround themselves with the people they love for support. You certainly fall into this category for him. It’s not like he moved on from your relationship because he didn’t care about you, he just felt the whole thing was a bit too difficult to try and manage. But when he found out he had cancer, all of a sudden he realized how much he missed you in his life.

But what also happened is he ignored some of the other feelings he may have had—or not had—for you. Meaning, the emotional state he was (and is) in caused him only to remember what he missed about you, but when the two of you got together he realized that he doesn’t feel for you, they way you feel for him. He’s not ignoring you now because he doesn’t care; he’s ignoring you because he realizes to entertain any sort of dialogue with you would be leading you on.

We wish we could give you more hopeful news but that’s how we see it. The best thing to do is be there for him as a friend—if this is possible—and see how it goes. It is possible his past relationships are impacting his ability to move forward with you, but if he’s telling you he doesn’t feel how you feel, then all you can do is take him at his word. Remember, as much as you love him, you still don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you feel about them.

Take care of yourself Concetta. Try and be strong. But you might really need to consider moving on, as difficult as that may be. Feel free to ask us any follow up questions. Leave us a note in the comments section. We’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

I am married and I take issue with my husband going over to do business on Fri and Sat nights with two couples that swing. He thinks I should trust him and is angry that I am uncomfortable with this schedule. I must note that he showed me a business contract but it wasn’t signed and they have been having meetings for months.

Margaret

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your question.

Honesty, we’d probably feel the same way as you do. Maybe he wants you to trust him unconditionally, but sometimes there’s reason to question. If it smells fishy, it probably is. We think you should ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed? Would he trust you in this type of situation?

See the thing is, trust is key to a successful relationships, but so is respect. And doing “business” with these people on a Friday and Saturday night is not showing respect. And the fact that he doesn’t care if you’re upset is a big red flag, probably as big as his unusual “business activities.”

Everything about this feels odd. You need to get more information from him besides this unsigned contract. What kind of business is he actually doing? Why on these nights? What’s really going on? And then after you get all of this information, listen, and trust to your gut. Because to us, the whole thing smells of disrespect.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Other questions about cheating: 

Cheating when drinking; can he change? 

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

Okay I am sure you have been asked this before. I am a seven years divorced mum of 3. I work and have a couple of social hobbies.   I am quite good looking so I’ve been told.  Yet not once in seven yrs have I been asked out. I tried the dating sites recently, met a few gents for coffee, and one stood out. So for a couple of months we got on really well. But then I found out he was still  meeting others on the site and had been all along.

Do I need to wear a sign saying I am available and want an honest, trustworthy gent.  They must be out there!

What am I doing wrong?

Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Thanks for your question.

We imagine that some of your difficulty stems from being a good mom. Probably a lot of your time—when you’re not working—you are helping your kids with homework, carting them around to their various activities, and generally spending quality time with them. And you probably don’t have a lot of time to go out socially. But in your case, you’re going to need to make an extra effort to get yourself out there.

We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong per se. Dating sites are a good way to meet people, especially for the busy, working person who has a lot of responsibilities. So we would suggest keeping your profile up to date. (Check out our videos on how to write a great profile on our Video Page) If you’ve already met one interesting person—although it’s unfortunate that he was untruthful—it’s likely you’ll meet someone else. (Hopefully this time a bit more open and honest.)

Tracy, you just need to get yourself out there. Say YES. Meaning, if you get asked to do things by your friends, just go, even if you’re tired. (And if you can get a babysitter.) Say yes to parties when you can, social events, parent meetings, whatever. It just sounds like you’re not meeting enough people. If you’re as cute as people say you are, you’ll attract attention just be getting yourself out there.

We realize full well how difficult it is to juggle being a single parent and an active social life, but let’s think of your situation from a business standpoint. Let’s say you were unemployed. What would you do? You’d update your resume, get yourself out there on LinkedIn, etc. and you’d start to network with people. You’d let friends know your were looking for a job, and you’d meet as many people as you possibly can. (Now don’t roll your eyes!) Dating is more similar than you might imagine. You have to put the word out there and let the network do some work for you.

Finally, guys WILL date single moms, but it’s a little more complicated sometimes. Some guys will be open to dating a woman with kids but they won’t be looking for a commitment. So it’s up to you to figure out who is for real and who isn’t. Check out some of our other posts on dating single moms for some more tips.

Divorced woman with kids dating a bachelor

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My kids are into making movies these days. These movies have stories. They have props. They have good guys and bad guys. They have character actors. (Usually the dog.) They have a protagonist—whoever came up with the idea–and antagonists—the remaining two siblings. Some are pretty funny; and some, well, at least my kids think they’re funny. These films won’t be seen by any critics. They won’t be seen in a theater. But they likely will be seen by a number of individuals who might actually stumble upon, or possibly even search for, a movie abut Nerf guns and a dog from a distant planet. At least that’s my kids’ hope.

Video has taken over the world. Not just that we’re doing it more, but that it’s available at any moment on any number of gadgets we carry around with us everyday. And that’s why activites that used to be private affairs—a family ski trip, coffee at the local cafe, lounging on the beach—are now able to be captured and posted on YouTube within minutes of real time. Amazing. And scary.

What’s amazing—according to YouTube stats—is that one hour of video is uploaded to YouTube every second. And over 4 billion videos are viewed every day. The scary part is that many of these videos are being uploaded by kids. And the very nature of being a kid is that they’ll almost always choose ice cream over vegetables and  almost always choose watching TV over doing their homework. Which means that making intelligent and informed decisions is a long process that only begins in childhood.

At first I was a bit wary about allowing my son to post his movies on YouTube. I know that once you put something out there in cyberspace it’s pretty much impossible to remove it. And I wondered to myself what kind of people might view it. So I agreed to allow him to post his videos as long as he followed some guidelines—basically he couldn’t use his name or the names of anyone else in the video. I also initially requested that he make his videos private so only his friends could see them. But he said, “Dad, the whole point is to see how many views I get.” And here I was thinking the point was to make a good movie. Silly me.

It seems that everyone wants their 15 seconds of fame. But to what lengths will people go to achieve this? Recently a video was uploaded by the parents of a fifteen year-old kid. They captured their son, “high” on gas, moments before getting his wisdom teeth out. I have to admit, it was hilarious. But the parent in me was appalled. How embarrassing for a teenager. This kid is at the age where fitting in and being accepted by his peers is his number one concern. I wondered how he was going to be able to face his high school classmates once he returned to school. And how was he now going to feel about his parents? (Maybe kids aren’t the only ones still learning about intelligent and informed decisions.)

The immediacy of uploading video is alluring but it clouds a person’s judgement. We think the rest of the world is eagerly waiting for our genius to arrive, so we rush to upload video before we actually think about why we’re doing it. And honestly, how can we as parents, lecture our kids about how drugs and alcohol impair judgement when we’re busy posting embarrassing videos on You Tube and then revealing too much of ourselves on Twitter and Facebook? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. But I guess hypocrisy is part of parenting. Remember, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

For me, I’m just happy my kids are making videos occasionally rather than playing video games all the time. The former requires them to engage in the creative process. The latter does all the work for them and thus turns them into static little drones.

So I’m trying to be flexible in this fast-changing world. I’m learning how to speed up myself, and at the same time slow my kids down. They’re teaching me about the benefits of quantity—I’m not quite convinced yet—and I’m reminding them that quality will endure. The best part is that it’s give and take. And maybe the modern age of parenting is really just about being flexible. Because sometimes I wonder if it’s me guiding my kids or the other way around.

What are your thoughts on the topic?

Please share any of your own experiences. Thanks!

Saelen Ghose is a freelance writer.

Recently, I was visiting one of my friends  a few states away for a couple weeks and while I was there I was introduced to a guy, “Charlie,” who is good friends with the family I was visiting (I’m 18, he’s 22). We didn’t really hit it off at first and would argue and bicker. I heard him say that he never wanted to get married, have kids, or even be in a relationship. But after getting to know each other a little better, we started getting along, and even flirting. In talking with him he told me about his parents’ divorce, his rocky relationship with his mom, etc. I felt like we had a really good connection and so did my friend’s mom. (She said he hardly ever opens up to anybody).

So I have a major crush on this guy because I really felt like I could be myself with him and, to be honest, was flattered that he opened up to me. (Plus he’s very good looking). Although he never told me himself, but a few of our mutual friends said that he really liked me. And I thought this might have been true because of a few things he said. For example: I was trying on a ring that was too small (stupid idea!) and it got stuck on my ring finger. So I kept getting asked if I was engaged, etc. Someone asked me if I was married—in front of Charlie—and he put his arm around me and said that we were. (Jokingly, of course). He would also sit really close to me whenever we were watching movies, etc. And he got his phone fixed (which it hadn’t been for months) the week I left (coincidence? I don’t know….). And was a little upset when he found out I don’t have a cell.

But we aren’t keeping in touch now that I’m back home. I didn’t really expect that we would considering he’s not a chatty keep in touch kind of person. Anyways, I have a few questions for you regarding this and guys in general.

Question 1: I am seeing him again in a few months when I go back down to visit my friend. I would really like to continue at least a friendship at this point. How hard is it for a guy with this kind of background (divorce, no relationship with his mom) to be in a relationship with a girl? Is there anything I should avoid saying?

Question 2: Do guys like girls who are tall (I’m 5′ 11″)?

Question 3: Do guys like girls who are educated? I’m almost done with college and sometimes I feel like it might be a little intimidating.

I think that’s it for now… Hopefully this isn’t too confusing. I LOVE your advice! It’s always so spot on. Thank you in advance (=

Lanna

Dear Lanna,

Thanks for your question. Here are our answers to your particular questions.

Question 1: You should be yourself. That’s always the most attractive quality in any person. And you seem like a pretty intuitive person, so if you bring up something that changes the tone of the conversation or makes him feel uncomfortable just casually change the subject. Just because he comes from a family of divorce doesn’t mean he’s incapable of having a happy marriage. Sure it’s going to color his view on marriage and make him a bit skeptical or wary, but if he’s smart, he’ll realize he’s in charge of his own destiny. The same holds true for his relationship with his mother. We don’t know why he doesn’t communicate with her, but it’s likely he blames her for the divorce. Once again, that doesn’t mean he will blame you for any problems you might have if you do begin a relationship. People are absolutely shaped by their environment, but they are still individuals. And it’s what people choose to do with their experiences that really tells you what kind of person they are. Some people make excuses their whole lives for why they aren’t able to do this or that, and others face their demons/challenges/whatever and try to overcome them. (We realize there are many degrees to this, but we’re just saying.)

Question 2: It’s not about height. Sure, some tall women might be intimidating to some guys, but for the confident guy it’s no big deal. And frankly, some guys LOVE taller women. For most guys it’s a matter of proportions. Is everything kind of in the “right” place? (This varies with each person of course.) And we use quotes for “right” because every shape and size is beautiful to some guy.

Question 3: If he’s intimidated by your education then he’s not right for you. (We’re assuming he isn’t college educated.) Once again, be yourself. Whoever you’re in a relationship with should love the fact that you’re smart and educated, as long as you don’t lord it over them, which we know you won’t. But don’t dumb yourself down to make some insecure guy feel better. That’s not the way to go, and if you do that, eventually you’ll be resentful. And you also don’t want some guy holding you back with your career. (If that’s what you want.)

To sum up: You want a guy who is supportive, accepting, loving, kind, honest, and solid. And if he’s good looking too, that’s icing on the cake!

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

I am in need of some advice. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years. But we have been having some problems for a while now. I have felt us getting further and further away from each other, and it’s to the point now where we are both very unhappy. I am 30 years old and he is 26. I have a 9 year-old son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 month-old son together.

My husband and my older son used to have a good relationship, but they no longer do. They argue constantly. When it comes to our infant son, my husband barely has a relationship with him, saying that he doesn’t do well with babies. He can’t handle the crying, he doesn’t want to hold him, and he doesn’t do poopy diapers. He won’t change a diaper unless I make him. And so far his main involvement is to make an occasional bottle or giving him his pacifier. (This was a planned baby that we tried to conceive for 3 years.) And I really feel like we are not a team in any aspect of our relationship whatsoever.

Also, my husband is a huge gamer, spending most of his time on his computer. This was known before we got married, but has not gotten any better since expanding our family. Our quality time together is watching a TV show together and then he goes back to his game. He has his friends stay at our house on an almost daily basis, sometimes staying for weeks at a time. When I tell him that this bothers me, he says I need to accept that that is the way it is. I am forced to clean up after grown men more than my own children.

When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel or about something that bothers me, it always turns into an argument where he makes me feel guilty by saying I am never happy and that he can never do anything right and that I am always mad about something. Our sex life is non-existent. He claims that he just has a very low sex drive, though he has been busted taking care of things on his own numerous times. He then blames me for it  saying that all men do that and that I shouldn’t expect him to have sex with me every time he’s in the mood. That it’s just easier to do it on his own.

I have asked him to seek couples counseling and he says that I am the one with the problem so I should go to counseling. He thinks if we go to counseling they will blame everything on him and he doesn’t want to do that. I am to a point where I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything without it turning into a fight. I am starting to have thoughts about getting my own place because I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. If feels more like him and his friends house than our families house. I am getting very depressed and it’s starting to take a toll on my health. I don’t know what to do to make this right. But something needs to change.

How can I get through to him?? How can I get my husband back and our marriage back on track?

Misty

Dear Misty,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re having a difficult time right now.

Let’s start with the issue around your baby. Yes, you and your husband are a team and it would be nice if he were more involved with taking care of his son. But some guys take a while to feel connected to their newborn; and until they can actually DO something with their kid they just aren’t sure of where they stand in the picture. It’s hard to give, give, give and get absolutely nothing in return except constant crying and more pooping. Remember, you’ve already connected with your child because you carried him in your womb for 9-10 months. Your husband is still trying to figure out where he stands with his son.

He also might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he’s now a father and he realizes all the responsibilities that come with being a father. He might not be showing how he feels but he’s definitely feeling something. But instead of dealing with his feelings and trying to understand what’s going on, he’s avoiding everything and instead acting like a kid himself, playing games with his buddies, and generally rejecting the notion that he’s now a parent. He needs help with this.

Why don’t you try involving him in different ways for a start? Instead of getting upset at him about not changing diapers or feeding his kid—although we agree that he should be involved with that—ask him to rock his boy to sleep. Or ask him to take his son for a walk with a baby backpack. (A front facing pack is extra sweet.) Try to make him see that his son needs a father as much as he needs a mother. Help your husband see how important he is to his son.

Your other issues are also likely connected to the birth of your new baby. Some guys freak out over the thought of their wife giving birth. Up until this point he’s viewed you as a sexual being. (We’re not saying that’s all he views you as but you understand what we’re saying.) And if he was present in the delivery room, he might be having a hard time transitioning back into seeing you as the woman he was/is attracted to instead of a birthing machine. This experience affects a lot of guys and usually fades after a time.

What can you do?

We think you should sit down and write him a heartfelt letter expressing all of your feelings. Tell him how much you miss him and how much you love him. Tell him how much your son needs him. Let him know that you think he’s going to be a good father. (Even if you’re not sure) And tell him how much you look forward to having things go back to the way they were physically. Basically invite him back into your life.

Don’t use the letter as a way to point out what he’s not doing. Once you get him seeing all of the things he’s missing then hopefully he’ll be more open to discussing how to get your lives back on track together. Because we agree with you. He should be more involved with his family. His friends shouldn’t be staying over the house unless there’s some emergency which happens maybe once or twice a year. (Maybe) And your quality time together shouldn’t just be watching TV together. You two need to start “dating” again, if that makes sense. Things have to be a little more fun.

We know you’re tired. Taking care of a newborn is very taxing on many levels. And when you feel like you’re doing it all yourself it can be even more difficult. But try Misty, to make the extra effort to mend your relationship before it’s too late, and before you decide to move out and leave your husband. You have a family together. And ultimately keeping your family together is the number one goal.

Also, we agree that counseling would be a good idea for the two of you. We understand how he feels though. In fact, a lot of people feel the way he feels about counseling. (That the counselor will blame it all on him.) So offer to let him pick the counselor. Or try out a few people and let him decide who he’s most comfortable with. But don’t bring this subject up until you’ve tried mending some things on your own.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about marriage: 

Is marriage a more solid commitment than living together?

Boyfriend and his ex-wife; no boundaries

What is going on in my marriage; I’m confused and tormented

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

A confused girl; the prom

The prom 

Also Read:

Do looks matter?   and  High school dating: Am I hot or not? 

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Dear Guys,

I’m a senior in high school and prom is two months away.

I switched schools my junior year and I’ve had trouble making friends—from being shy—so I’m not really close friends with anyone at my new school, especially with guys. Also, I’ve never been asked to anything before, so I’m a little worried that I won’t get asked for prom.

So I guess my question is this: Should I dwell on having a date, if I don’t get asked? Should I even go at all?

Thank you for reading,

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Thanks for your question.

There’s a lot of hype and fantasy around high school prom. Boys are often told by their older brothers, or older guys “that know,” that it’s a night where girls will be more open to giving up the “goods” so to speak. Just the thought of that possibility is enough to make them woozy with excitement. For girls, prom is sometimes thought of as a trial run to that magical wedding they hope to have someday. But the reality is, the actual night certainly can be fun, but it rarely lives up to expectations.

But still, we encourage you to go if at all possible, because for every person the experience is different. Some people actually do have a great time, and it is a unique part of the high school experience that only happens at this time in your life. But we’d recommend going with another person. (Going by yourself won’t be much fun, unless you go with a group of other singles. But that might be difficult since you don’t know many people at the school.)

But there are other options besides having a guy ask you out and going by yourself. The key is to not dwell on the date aspect of this. Who constitutes your “date” can be very loosely defined.

The person could be:

1. An official date where a boy asks you to go.

2. A guy friend whom you feel comfortable going with as just friends.

3. A girl friend whom you feel comfortable going as friends so you can check out the scene.

If there’s no one at your new school to go with, have you thought about asking someone from your old school? It might seem far-fetched but it’s not. A few of  us (GUYS) went to proms at other schools, even in other states. (And of course a few of us didn’t even go to prom.) There’s also the option of going to the prom at your old school. Did you have someone special there? Even just a good friend to go with? Something to think about.

Morgan, give it another few weeks; if it looks like you’re not going to get asked—and don’t feel badly about this because high school boys won’t ask a girl unless they’re sure the girl will say yes; and since you’re new, and no one really knows you that well, you are a mystery, and thus not a sure thing—you need to get proactive and see if you can find a date to go with. We know this isn’t ideal, but it’s worth making the effort.

However, Morgan, if nothing works out, treat yourself to something fun that night, and try not to worry about it. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s just circumstance.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Cheating when drinking; can he change? 

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

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Dear GUYS,

I currently have a boyfriend who cheated on me a few months back. Including the break up, we have been together almost three years.

Let me start from the beginning. I had a close friend who was also friends with my boyfriend. This girl was popular for getting around, yet I ignored the fact and continued to be friends with her thinking she would never betray me. One night my boyfriend calls me saying he had to go to Walmart to buy something for his Ipod around midnight. Of course I did not believe him, but I was tired and decided to ignore the situation and go to sleep angry.

The next day he wakes up late and he uses the excuse that he was “up late playing xbox with his cousins.” Of course I did not believe him, but I had no proof. When I finally saw him he was acting different. Very distant, angry, did not want to hold my hand or kiss me. I started to suspect he cheated on me. Sadly it was true. He cheated on me with my close friend and I found out a week later by a friend who heard from a friend and so forth. The worst part about it is when I asked them both, they lied to my face. I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I could not stand her. I tried to let it go and forgive him, but at the time he did not care. He continued talking to her like nothing had happened and defended her saying it was all her fault. That was the moment I decided to pretend like he fell from the face of the planet.

For three month I ignored him completely and everyone knew to not mention him around me. In fact I changed my number around three times because somehow he would get it and “drunk text” me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. I did not believe him. I even had to block him off Facebook seeing as to he wrote me this insanely long mean message mentioning stuff he heard about me that wasn’t even true. The day came where he texted me early one morning calmly and so I finally replied. One thing led to another and we ended up meeting each other to talk. I realized how much I loved him and cared for him when he was pouring his heart out to me.

Shortly after meeting, we started dating again and I have noticed the effort he has put into our relationship. He is more sweet; I am his first priority and he tries to give me whatever I want, etc. But in a way, I feel like we are falling into our old habits again. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that he is lying to me or that he is going to cheat on me again. I would love to actually believe him when he says he will never do that again and in time he will prove it to me, but I just can’t. It’s been six months since we started dating again and I still fear him. I fear he will do this to me again and that he is lying.

My question is: will I ever learn to trust him again? If so, how? I feel like I will never get over the betrayal and our relationship will never move foward because of me.

Janet

Dear Janet,

Thanks for your question. Sorry it took us a while to get to it.

You’ve probably heard it said a thousand times that relationships are built on trust, but we just have to say it again: Relationships are built on trust. And when that trust is broken it’s often very difficult to repair. It’s not because the love has disappeared—as in your case you still love him—but because love can’t hold up without trust. And this of course throws pie in the face of all of those fairy tales we hear as kids, that love will conquer all, and it’s all about love, love, love. Well, sure, love is an important ingredient, but it’s only a part of the equation. You’re experiencing this first hand.

It is possible for you to trust your boyfriend again but he’s going to have to show you that he’s changed and willing to do what it takes to regain your trust. And he’s going to have to show this over a long period of time. (How long is up to you.) But at the same time you’re going to have to forgive him, and try your best to not think about his unsavory behavior and move forward. We’re not saying you SHOULD do that, we’re just saying that in order for you to move forward with your relationship you’re going to have to try and forgive.

The thing is Janet, much of what happens here on out is up to you. We’d say the majority of couples don’t survive a breach of trust like you’ve experienced. Cheating on someone you purportedly love is akin to taking a knife to their heart. But even so, it still happens every day. You might want to consider couples counseling and talk to a professional about this matter. There are likely other issues going on that should also be addressed. Cheating doesn’t usually happen in a vacuum.

But finally Janet, just remember that you weren’t the one to breach the trust. Don’t start blaming yourself and feeling guilty. In fact, blame needs to be taken out of the equation if you’re really serious about trying to put the pieces back together. With a lot of work on both sides you can repair the crack in the foundation, but at the same time listen carefully to your gut. What’s it telling you as you process the relationship? Sometimes even with love, two people aren’t meant to be together. They push the wrong buttons in each other.

Good luck. We wish we could give you a definitive answer, but really it’s up to you to try and sort through your feelings. We’re pulling for you whatever you decide. Please keep in touch and keep us posted. We’re interested in how this plays out. And leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question anytime. Use the comments section of this post and we’ll respond there.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

My partner of four years recently left me; he ran away without leaving a note or anything. He had been drinking heavily for the duration of our relationship and during September last year he borrowed £10,000 from his Mum to open his own hair salon. When I finally found him a week later, he was living in London with an ex-girlfriend.

It turned out that he had spent all of the money that hadn’t gone on equipment for the salon on drink (approx £4,000) and that was the reason he had run away because he didn’t have the money to cover building work and rent to open the salon, and he was scared to tell his Mum and Stepdad that he had blown all of their money.

He admitted that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober and start his life over with me. He came back to Manchester but went to live with his Mum as I didn’t feel able to accept him back into my home at that point.

Since then we have been seeing each other once or twice a week and things are looking good for us. He has been sober for over three weeks now and has been attending AA meetings. (I know it hasn’t been long but it’s promising.)

However, when he was in London he told me that he only stayed with his ex for one night and then moved to a hostel. This weekend I found out that was a lie. He had spent the ten days he was there staying with her, sleeping in her bed; they had sex twice. (Not very successfully apparently because he was so drunk.)

I have also found out that he cheated on me with this ex during the first 6-10 months of our relationship and has had one-off sex with another woman in July last year. He blames the drinking and has said that if he had been sober he never would have cheated on me. He wants to start again but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

Do you think that being an alcoholic can effect his judgement that much that he would cheat? He says that to ease the guilt of cheating he just drank more and so the vicious circle continued.

Should I give him another chance?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for your question.

It’s absolutely possible for people to change the course of their lives. Certainly confessing to his indiscretions, admitting his faults, and attending AA meetings is a great start. But like you said, three weeks is a very short time and alcoholism is a lifetime battle.

People do become sober, but every single day of their lives they have to choose sobriety. We’ve been told it gets “easier” as time goes by, but we’ve also been told it never actually gets easy.

The even potentially bigger issue is WHY he began to drink in the first place. Those are issues he’s going to have to work through with help from professionals. (Counselors, etc.) AA is a good place to help him get the services he might need. And certainly support from friends and family will help him be strong enough to face his demons.

You obviously care about this man a lot. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be considering taking him back. But it’s really a matter of whether you can forgive him and trust him again. What do you think? Can you?

We think you’re rushing that decision a bit. Why don’t you wait and see how you feel in a few months, or even longer? Because as he stays sober and starts to work through his issues, you may start to feel differently, one way or another.

We imagine it’s hard to believe he’ll change. He cheated on you many times, lied to you, and has basically been an untrustworthy person and partner. Drinking can certainly impair a person’s judgement and make him do things he might not normally do, but not everyone who drinks chooses to cheat on their partner. They might display other destructive behaviors that they are prone to but not cheat. So the question is whether or not he’ll cheat on you when he’s sober. And we think it’s too early to tell. (We also don’t know him, so you’re going to have to be the one to make that call.)

Jane, much of this is up to you. Are you strong enough to forgive and start over with this guy? Give it some time and see how you feel. Because it sounds like you’d really like it to work out if possible. Be supportive of his journey, but we’d stay away from an actual “relationship” with him for a while. Be only a PLATONIC friend. And keep tabs on how you’re feeling. What’s your gut telling you to do? And what do your friends think? See if they think he’s actually changing, or if he’s just putting on an act.

The last thing we’ll say is don’t wait forever. Sometimes people don’t win the battle of alcoholism. As sad as that may be, you have a life to live as well. And you ultimately need to look after yourself.

Take care and good luck. Please keep us posted—leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section; we’ll respond to you here.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about cheating: 

Cheating Part 1: Three guys on cheating

Cheating Part 2: I was Tiger

Cheating Part 3: Inner Child

Is cheating ex playing me?

Possible porn addict

Help; can my guy change from his cheating past?

Cheating boyfriend; how do I know it won’t happen again? 

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating? 

Read the script:

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

Videos about online dating: 

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

______________________________

Dear Guys,

I met a guy on an online dating website. I’m not a fan of endless emails going back and forth so I suggested we meet up the following week after having exchanged a couple of emails and phone numbers. For your information, he contacted me first.

I gave him a choice of either Thursday or Friday for our first meeting and he chose Friday. Because he was new in town, he asked me to suggest a place to meet. So came Friday, I met him outside the bar we arranged to meet at. He was very friendly and gave me a big hug. We decided to go to a coffee shop and grab a coffee instead of staying at the bar because it was too crowded there. He was very gentlemanly and offered to pay for my coffee when he saw that I had my wallet in my hand. We talked over coffee. He told me about himself, why he was here, what he did. It turned out that he had a very successful career in finance. I was very nervous the whole time because to be honest, I don’t usually meet guys like that. He was good-looking, very fit, very smart, and very well-off. There were times when I really didn’t know what to say and I’m sure I sounded like my IQ had dropped by 20 points.

After the coffee, I thought he might’ve gotten so bored of me that he wanted to leave. To my surprise, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink. I said okay but all the bars in the area were busy on Friday night so I suggested a place that was great for talking, if he didn’t mind walking for about 20 minutes. He said he didn’t mind at all so we walked for 20 minutes to a place near where I work. All the time we were talking—he made a lot of conversation even when I was nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

So we went to this bar near where I worked. He ordered a drink for me, asking me if I wanted my “usual” which was one of the things I told him about earlier when we were having coffee. (That I usually only drink Vodka Diet Coke.) We sat down and started talking again. We talked about a lot of random things, he told me about his family, his job. He was definitely trying to impress me during the conversation. When the conversation stopped—usually when I was nervous I didn’t know what to say—he would look at me and smile.

I think the physical attraction and chemistry was definitely there. He was very gentlemanly throughout the whole night – steered away from topics of sex, when he talked he sometimes lightly touched my arms, although I could sense he was trying to be “cautious” with the amount of physical contact. He never had his phone out of his pocket, except when I went to the bathroom; when he saw me coming back he put his phone away immediately. At one point I asked him what he liked about my profile, immediately he looked shy and embarrassed and he said that I was very pretty and also I looked like an interesting person with lots of interests and hobbies. I asked him how he found me now that he’s met me in person, whether or not he found me boring, and he said no and that he was having a great time. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

When my glass of drink was almost empty he asked me if I wanted another one but because I was so nervous I said no. He got himself another drink and we kept talking. At that point I realized he was the kind of guy I had always dreamed of, but never got to meet. I felt like I was having a panic attack because I was worried I might blow it by not being myself and then appear boring to him. So when the conversation stopped again, and he did what he usually did when I wasn’t talking, which was staring into my eyes and smiling, I said awkwardly “I think I’d better get going.”  He looked really surprised and disappointed. It was the first time in the night that his smile disappeared from his face. But he just said, “Okay let’s go.”

By that time, we had spent a little over three hours together; it was 10 o’clock. Outside the bar, he asked me which way I was headed and I told him I was headed to the station opposite to where we came. He gave me a big hug and said, “I’ll give you a call and we’ll hang out again.”

The next day he sent me a text after midnight (Sunday morning) that said “Last night was fun. Glad I got to meet you. Hope we can see each other again soon.” I texted him back the next morning, eight hours later and said, “I had a lovely time too, thank you, and would love to catch up again. I’m sorry I left abruptly on Friday, I was not feeling very well and slightly nervous.”

Now it’s Tuesday night and he still hasn’t text me back or called me. What should I do? I definitely felt there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was also worried that because he was such a smart and successful guy, I might not sounded interesting or smart enough for him.

Should I contact him if he doesn’t get back to me? Is he interested but worried that I’m not interested in him? I think that by telling him I was nervous I was basically telling him that I liked him. Or is he just plain not interested enough to ask me out again?

Chocobo

Dear Chocobo,

Thanks for your question and for your donation.

All signs tell us this guy is into you, at least from what you describe of your first date. Lightly touching your arm, remembering your favorite drink, smiling during awkward pauses, telling you that he thought you were pretty, wanting to extend the night as long as he could, texting you to let you know he had a good time, are all very positive signs. He definitely seems attracted and interested in you. In general we don’t see any issues on his side, well, except the fact that he didn’t walk you to your car, train, or transportation. Maybe he was feeling rejected, but we like to see a guy insist even if he’s feeling insecure. (Just something we had to say.)

We know that you were nervous, especially when you realized this guy was the kind of guy you had always dreamed of, but you need to stop letting your insecurities show. Obviously he’s attracted to you because he contacted you, and because of all the positive signs we noted above. And if a guy is physically attracted to a woman he is willing to give it some time to see if he is into her in other ways. Meaning, your occasional loss of words is certainly not a deal breaker. However your insecurity could be if you’re not careful. Please don’t ask him again if you’re boring. Do you think you’re boring? Probably not, right? So don’t assume he does. Let him make his own mind up. Boring to one person, is interesting to another. It’s all subjective, so there’s no need to put that out there.

Just because he’s an interesting and smart guy doesn’t mean he’s looking for someone just like him. Have you heard of Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences before? Basically Gardner says that people are smart in lots of different ways, and that there is not just one way to be smart. Just because this guy might know a lot about finance, or a variety of topics, and you don’t, doesn’t mean he’s smart and you’re not, or that you’re not good enough for him. If he judges you that way, then he’s not the kind of guy you want anyway.

“Chocobo,” just be yourself. That’s the most attractive quality a person can have. And frankly, you want him to fall for the person you are, not some projection of who you think he wants you to be.

Now to your questions. If he’s a confident guy he should contact you and ask you out again. You more than made up for your abrupt departure by letting him know you had a good time and telling him you were nervous. He should be able to pick up on that. If he doesn’t contact you this week, there’s nothing wrong with sending him another text saying you’d love to see him again. But we think you should wait it out this week. Text him next Monday.

One cautionary note: Hopefully he won’t wait until Thursday or later to ask you out for the weekend. He should be asking you out at least by Wednesday for a weekend date. Spur of the moment dates are great from Sun-Thurs, but not on a Friday and Saturday.

Chocobo—is that your nickname or a made up name?—we think you’ll get to see him again. Be patient. And hang in there. And please keep us posted. Please leave us a follow up comment—here in the comments section; we’ll respond here as well—or a follow up question if you see him again. Or ask us another question anytime.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Share on Twitter and Facebook. @TGPBuzz.

Dear Guys,

I’m 4’11″ and I’m 16; I feel like I can’t be beautiful.

Because of my height, I can’t dress the way I want to, because I’ll always look like a little girl trying to look older. I want to be able to wear red lipstick, and wear pretty dresses, and makeup without always looking like I’m younger than I am. I doubt I’ll grow anymore and it really sucks.

What do you think I should do?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

We understand that you’re at an age where all the girls are “experimenting” with fashion and their looks. Sure, girls want to look and feel attractive, so they put on lots of make up and wear revealing clothes to try and look older and more seductive. And to a degree it works. Guys certainly notice girls who look this way, but not necessarily for the best of reasons.

However, our answer is not going to turn into a lecture Sarah. We know you understand that inner beauty is most important, and that you are so much more than just your physical looks and dimensions. We’re sure you’ve been told all of that before. And while we agree with that sentiment, we also understand that you really want some answers to what’s bothering you.

Your Height: 

Let’s say a guy is shorter than average, maybe three inches shorter than an average guy. Even though it shouldn’t matter we know it does, because most women want a man who is taller than them for a variety of reasons. So what happens is—and certainly not in every case—a shorter guy’s options can be limited. Of course this can be made up in a variety of ways. He’s smart, charming, rich, athletic, etc. But for the normal every day guy it’s tough being short in the competitive dating world.

But for a women it’s typically not an issue at all. And 4’11″ is considered petite, which is totally in the realm of average. And frankly, most guys don’t even care really, especially as they get a little older. Sarah, please don’t determine your beauty by the lens of a teenage boy. Teenage boys basically go for flirtatious girls with big boobs. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But what we’re saying is their scope is very limited. Whereas guys who are a little bit older—college and into their twenties and beyond—have a much broader palette when it comes to whom they’re attracted to.

Your Youthful Appearance: 

At 16, you may have matured on some levels, but you’re hardly fully matured even if you’ve stopped growing vertically. Trust us, when you head off to college in a few years—if you choose that path—your appearance will already have changed. And it only continues. The difference between the way a person looks at 16 and say 25 is usually quite striking. You’ll be surprised. (Hopefully in a good way!)

Also, it sounds like you’re one of the lucky people who looks younger than his/her age. Maybe it’s annoying to you now because people think you’re 13 when you’re really 16. But when you’re 30 and people think you’re 23 you might like it. And we can guarantee at 40, when people think you’re in your early 30s, you’ll love it. And so on.

Sarah, we think you should focus on being 16 and figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Sure, experiment all you want, but try not to worry so much. What’s happening now in your life doesn’t necessarily determine how the rest of your life is going to be.

Our one piece of advice: Once you start to truly accept the way you look, you’ll immediately become more attractive to everyone around you. People are always drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin.

Here’s another post to read about guys and what they look for in a girl/woman: Do looks matter?

Let us know if we can answer any other questions you might have now, or in the future. And please let your friends know about us. Leave us a follow up comment/question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

And try to have some fun Sarah!

THE GUYS

ps. Readers, please leave Sarah a comment. We’re sure she would love some more feedback. Thanks!

Questions about the Prom: (If you have a question about your upcoming prom, ask away.)

A confused girl; the prom

The prom 

I love your work! It’s great and very entertaining. Cracks me up mad

I’m not sure if you guys have any experience about relationship dynamics between an Asian and a Westerner. But I’d like some opinions.

My man is from the States and I’m an Asian. Also, he is almost 40 while im in my late 20s. We have been together seven months, going strong and happy.

I asked him before if he is committed and he said he is. He used the term “all in” which made me very happy indeed. But I am unclear as to what kind of expectations or dynamics does a white guy in general hold towards a lasting relationship. I might have subscribed erroneously to the belief that westerners don’t regard commitment as seriously as Asians would. Can you please tell me the differences between a white man and an Asian man in terms of perspective and expectations for a lasting relationship?

Also, is there any advice for a young lady like me to know about dating an older man? Issues I should look out for perhaps?

I’d just like you to talk about your take on a lasting cross cultural relationships, and compounded with a bigger than usual age gap.

Many thanks!

Candy

Dear Candy,

Thanks for your question and for your kind words. We do try.

We think you may be a bit too concerned about the stereotypes you may or may not have heard about “white” men—let’s say Western men—as opposed to Asian men. Obviously cultural differences factor into every aspect of of a person’s life, but from our experience there are many Western guys who take their commitments just as serious as any guy in the world. Sure, maybe there’s less divorce in Asia—we don’t have exact statistics—but that still doesn’t mean there are more happy marriages or long term partnerships in Asia. It could just mean that more people stay together, whether they’re happy or not. So we think you need to focus on the individual—your guy— rather than try to understand him from a cultural perspective.

The one cultural phenomenon that you should be aware of is that some Western Guys have a certain “thing” for Asian ladies. It’s only worth mentioning because we would be remiss if we didn’t mention it, but it’s not something you necessarily need to focus on. It’s a matter of taste. And although that may sound very superficial, men pursue women they’re physically attracted to—at least at the onset. And when that physical attraction is there, men also think about commitment more seriously. It’s a good thing.

Now let’s address your question about your age difference. We’re guessing it’s around a 12 year difference? Is that about right? He’s probably 39 and you’re 27. (How’s our guess?) If this is the age difference then this doesn’t really fall into the category of dating an older guy. If you were in your early twenties that would be a big difference. But since you’re in your late twenties you’ve experienced life without him. You’ve probably been out in the working world, and probably have dated other men. Concerns about dating an older guy come when there’s a striking difference between experience—usually when the difference is creeping towards 20 years—which throws off the power balance. If you find him trying to “educate” you and treating you like a young girl rather than an equal, now or in the future, that might be a concern and a red flag. But otherwise, no. (Watch our video on the topic: Dating Older Men)

Candy, if you really love this man and trust that he loves you we don’t see your cultural differences or your age differences being an issue. Of course we can’t look into the heart of this man and tell you for sure that he means what he says, that’s up to you to decide. But when a guys says he’s “all in” that’s generally a positive sign.

We wish you all the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Readers and Candy: Check out some of our other posts about dating across cultures. You may find them interesting. 

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Other questions about dating across cultures: 

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call? 

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played? 

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Women want sex as much or more than men do.  Yes, I know I am spitting in the face of common wisdom but I know this to be true and here’s why. 1. I am a woman who has experienced this over and over and over… and 2. My female friends report the same phenomena.

I first noticed this in my own relationships, but just assumed it was me. Then the subject started to creep in when my female friends and I would talk about men and relationships. The majority of them had the same feelings; women want more sex, and their men were being coy. Curious now, I started to pose the question to both men and women.  “Do you think women want sex as much or more than men?” Men; “No.” “That hasn’t been my experience.” Women; “Of course.” “Yup.”

The men were reticent, no elaboration was forthcoming, but the women! “He tells me he’s tired.” “He doesn’t like it when I make the first move.” “He gets mad if I try to seduce  him too often.” “He asked me why I like sex so much.” “Why do you think I have two men in my life?”(Seriously, the last two statements are actually true).

So what exactly is happening here? Is the stereotype wrong? Are sexual relationships between women and men changing? Is there something in the water? Now, to be fair, this doesn’t apply to all women and all men; I am (unscientifically) tracking an apparently growing phenomenon here, stay with me.

I started to look for commonalities in the women who were telling me this.  Most were comfortable with their sexuality, confident, and had a certain, ahem, level of experience sexually. And all were in committed, loving relationships (even if there are two men).   Women want sex, but still need the emotional connection; we are still women, after all,  that hasn’t changed.

But could it be that in reality men are threatened by a woman who knows what she wants in bed, isn’t afraid to ask for it from the man she loves, and wants lots of it? Is it a control issue? A fear of poor performance? Perhaps the belief that men want more sex than women was born in the same place as the myth of prince charming, soul mates, and “you complete me” doody. And we all know how dangerous those particular illusions can be in a relationship.

Maybe the stereotypes are  wrong, maybe men want the right to tell their woman they are tired or just not in the mood sometimes without being thought of as “unmanly.” Maybe women do want sex as much or more than men but don’t want to be rejected by the men they love. I really don’t know, but the women of the world are looking for real answers here. So come on, men, help us out, go beyond the stereotype and tell us what’s happening here. Because the truth is, we LOVE our men, we LOVE having sex with our men. And we want more.

Isabel Kane is a freelance writer.

Please leave a comment and join the conversation. What’s your opinion? Tell us about your experience with this subject.  

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more……..

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Hi Guys!

I’ve been wondering for a long time why this guy never asked me out.

Here’s the story: I’m an English teacher in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I used to deliver “in company classes.” Of course many of my students were men. At that time I was 26 and this guy in question was 32. He was my student for about 7 months and during all that time he kept flirting with me—or at least that’s what I thought.

Many a time I would just ignore him to see what his reaction was, and he really got angry, embarrassed. I don’t know…the thing is I think he was pissed off because of my indifference! Whenever I asked him to do an activity (speaking) he would go red and sweat like a pig! So, I gathered that he felt something for me. He repeatedly told me he was single and had no kids and that he was looking for a girlfriend.

I googled him and found that he had several accounts on different dating sites. His profile was always the same: LOOKING FOR a SERIOUS relationship with a WOMAN- NO KIDS.

SOOO!! I said to myself, “He’s gonna ask me out when the course is finished.” Guess what? On the last day of the course he didn’t show up. He didn’t even had the decency of finishing the course! He simply vanished.

AND it gets more interesting. Three months later—I had already included him in my MSN—he “connects” (he was always “absent”) and he writes “hello” and then disconnects again.

What do you think GUYS?? May I have misinterpreted the whole situation? Was he flirting with me? If he was why didn’t he ask me out? If he wasn’t into me at all…why did he even bother?

I would really appreciate an answer, please..

Thank you,

Laura (from Argentina)

Dear Laura, 

Thanks for your question.

It’s a tricky maneuver to try and date your teacher. Besides the obvious boundary issues between teacher and student—although in this case it’s not quite as taboo since you’re both adults—he probably didn’t think you would be receptive to dating him after you feigned indifference for so long.

See Laura, as the teacher, you held the power. All he could do was hint around and try to get a read on your interest. His original plan was to probably wait until the class was over and then ask you out. But sensing your indifference he probably said forget it. And then his ego kicked in. It’s hard enough to get rejected, but then to have to sit in class and listen to the very person who rejected you—even if it’s just in his mind— is even tougher to take. That’s the most likely explanation for why he skipped the last class and didn’t say goodbye.

Playing hard to get is a necessary tool for women to use in this complex, and sometimes scary, dating world. But each situation is different, and every guy is different. (Hopefully you won’t always feel the need to make the guy work so hard.) But in this case, we absolutely agree with you feigning indifference as the teacher of the class, especially since most of your students were men. (You shouldn’t have any regrets.) Many guys would have been strong enough to see the situation through. They would have been able to “read” your behavior better than this guy, and understand the game that was being played. This guy’s ego was a bit too fragile to handle a strong girl like you.

Please leave us a comment. Or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And feel free to ask us another question anytime.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

For more info on this topic read:  Does my coach love me or am I being delusional? 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

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Dear Guys,

My husband and I have been married for close to a year. We are both in the military and we are stationed at separate bases. For a long time we handled the long distance relationship well and we were very happy with each other even though we could only get together every couple of months.

My husband is a good man but I have been noticing lately that it doesn’t seem like he trusts me. It started a little bit before we got married and has gotten worse now that we have been apart for so long. My husband is nearly ten years my senior and was raised in a religious background that he doesn’t hold firmly to but that does influence his thought and ideals which I am beginning to notice are a bit different than my own.

I am very independent and with wild inclinations but not to the point where I would be unfaithful. My life has become quite solitary with our relationship and more so since I have began to notice his trust issues which started with him playing mind games to see if he could catch me in some kind of a lie. To add insult to injury he came and visited for the holidays and I introduced him to my best girlfriend with whom I spend a great deal of time as I can be very inclined not to go out and be social. And one morning at about 2am, he got up and drove to her house and started interrogating her about my activities in his absence. My friend confessed this to me after he had left and I have not brought it up with him as he has not mentioned it to me. My friend mentioned that he had asked her many questions about me and what we did together and that he would ask the same questions to her over and over in a different way trying to see if he could catch her lying.

With all of his prodding in the last year it have been very hard for me to communicate with him because I have concerns that my ideals will not be up to his standards and I feel that in some ways I am already failing to be a good wife because I am feeling less and less inclined to share myself with him. He frequently consults other people regarding our relationship but never in my presence and when I have heard him discussing it over the phone his tone is unsettling in a way that is difficult to describe.

He says that he loves me but I am beginning to wonder if this is possible with how little he trusts me. I am beginning to believe that I have made a mistake in marrying him and that perhaps we rushed it out of fear. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated on the matter as I do not know how to proceed with this and I don’t think I will be able to keep it up for too much longer.

Aura

Dear Aura,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re having some trust issues in your marriage. But we’re just wondering how did it get to this point? You say the two of you were happy for quite a while so when did it all change? Was there a specific incident that triggered his insecurities and now has caused him to distrust you? Please leave us a comment and fill us in.

What we can’t understand is why the two of you aren’t talking about all of this? He should be speaking directly with you about how he’s feeling—not speaking with your friend, or playing mind games with you—and you should be addressing your concerns directly with him. Relationships are built on trust, but trust is built on solid communication. Right now you have neither. And if you really want to make this work the two of you need to at least agree that you’re going to talk about all the issues the next time you see each other.

As far as you doubting his love for you… This does not sound like a man who’s fallen out of love. On the contrary it sounds like a man who’s very much in love, but insecure about where he stands with his wife. Sure, he may have a proclivity for distrust and those are issues he needs to work on himself, but you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you’re doing to fuel his worry. We’re not saying you’re to blame—you’re not— but if you truly love him and want this marriage to work, it’s worth taking a hard look at your own actions to see if you can help ease his mind.

Successful marriages require work. And they are not always easy. And the fact that you have the added stress of being away from each other, especially as newlyweds, makes this situation even more overwhelming. But before you make any big decisions about your marriage we believe you need to both start working towards understanding how the other person is feeling. You need to start talking to one another because that’s what people who care about each other do. Don’t you want to know why he’s feeling the way he is? And he should absolutely want to know how you’re feeling and why.

Your man is struggling. His mind is swirling out of control with wild thoughts of what you might be doing and he probably has no one to talk about how he’s feeling. And the thing is, he’s not different from most guys. Typically men don’t discuss their relationships with other men, because they don’t like to admit that things aren’t working for them. So imagine him, alone, sitting in his room, making up scenarios in his head about everything you’re doing, and then spinning them for hours and hours. Not a pretty scene. (It might help him a lot to talk to someone—a professional counselor perhaps—about all his insecurities, worries and fears.)

But you could certainly help allay some of his fears by reassuring him that you love him and that you’re being a faithful wife with both your actions and intentions. Why don’t you try and be that person for him? He really needs you right now. And then, after you try to do everything you can to make this work, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision about whether you actually made a mistake to get married. It is possible the two of you are not a great match, but it’s too early to make that decision. See if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on first.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up question and/or comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

______________________________

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do the long distance dance? 

I didn’t want the divorce; how do I get him back?

This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).

For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.

However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.

Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.

Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.

I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)

Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.

What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….

Thanks guys,

Evol

Dear Evol,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.

In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.

If you were  going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.

The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.

However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.

We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.

We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

How to start a long distance relationship?

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

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“PRIVATE TALK” by Sabrina Jennings

Men are fascinating creatures.  I’ve been trying to ‘figure’ them out, or at least do my best at understanding their mentality for years.  I’m aware that I will never be absolute with that accomplishment since I am never going to be one myself, but I like to pat myself on the back for being pretty damn insightful regardless.

I slowly built close friendships with the opposite sex as a young teen, and thankfully blossomed into a tell-it-like-it-is smart ass by the time my high school diploma was in grasp. Now, I am sure to relate to any gentlemen I meet my honesty policy; I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not, because if any woman is going to be truthful about what you’re doing is wrong/stupid/etc, it’s going to be me. Life is too damn short to let things slide that shouldn’t. Don’t confuse me with being a Manhater, I’ve been called that more times than I can count. Even one of my greatest, longtime friends Caleb referred to me as a bitch when he first met me. My sharp tongue can get under the nerves easier than most, I get it. But if I hated men like some assume, I wouldn’t bother dating, sleeping, or making friends with any of ‘em.

Duh.

I write about the unacceptable behaviors of men I encounter not the man himself, there is a difference. I am up front about what I write for a living, and it is solely the guys’ choice to continue seeing me or not.  All he has to do is not do any act deemed asshole worthy that I would bring to others attention/warn other women about, and he’ll be solid.  Surprisingly to the majority I’ve warned, they still haven’t grasped the concept and act out as tools anyway. Not my fault. I am free to write and speak the truth as I mull through my dating journey to find my lobster (old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference here).

With that set in place, being around testosterone enough as I have, it has been easy to pick up on mans’ greatest topic of joy that duplicates as his biggest insecurity; his penis. A guy simply can’t tell one  joke and let it lie, he’s got to build a vocabulary world around his dick, and usually just to compete with other males around him for best junk of all. It’s amusing to me that they seem to have this idea that a woman will care as much as they do. Yoko Ono once said, “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.” Not to be the killjoy of every mans’ hopes and dreams here, but Yoko had a point. Why bring attention to something out of your physical control? Women do not see your package the way you do at all. In order to shed some light on the subject, I’m going to address the key points that men seem to continue getting wrong or have confused beliefs in….

The Look and Size

You’re all so sure that a woman wants her man to be packing a third leg in order to be satisfied.  Um, no. Statistics have shown that the erect penis size of most men — 68 percent — is between 4.6 and 6 inches long. About 16 percent of men have an erect penis size longer than 6.1 inches, and of those only 2.5 percent are over 6.9 inches. The rest of the group are the shorties that every man fears being part of. So rest assured, all of you guys who insist that you’re bigger than your counterpart, the odds are against you, and women already know that. It’s not even an appealing part of the body to look at. Sorry, but that’s the truth, even if you’re wrestling with anaconda stature down there, we don’t see your offering as an attractive piece at all. We enjoy what it feels like, and that’s only if you know how to work with what you’ve got. Length to regular standards is just fine, girth can really be helpful if you come up short in that arena, and too little/too big are gravely disappointing. How can too big be disappointing? A woman doesn’t want to feel like her insides are getting pummeled fight club style every time you get busy, and she sure as hell doesn’t want to endure the uncomfortable gag/choking reflex when oral sex comes into play, which brings me to point number two….

Fellatio Boundaries

What happens when a guy spends countless hours over the years watching smutty porn as example of what to expect in the real world? He will bring it to the bedroom and cause quite the humorous commotion with the lady in question. Girls in porn are acting, everyone knows that, but in order for men to get off from it, they convince themselves that she means every moan and groan, and the way oral is portrayed is how all women do it. The idea is so laughable that I can’t stand it!  Remember what I said about your staff not being pretty? Privates on both sexes are not eye candy, so the eagerness to get our mouths all over it that the C class of Hollywood wants you to believe is a joke.  Like I explained to one of my guy friends the other day who I had a penis conversation with that inspired this post, a woman can truly enjoy satisfying her mans’ member with her mouth, but only if the love she has for him is real. There are women who will fake it like Jenna Jameson because they think they have to in order to win over a new guy, and there are women who simply won’t go there for personal hygienic reasons. Life is a crap shoot when it comes to sexual compatibility. You can’t ever expect it’s alright to unleash your tonsil tickler in a forceful face-fuck manner either without discussing your desire to first. That’s a move way too many men make the mistake of doing.  Just like….

Backdoor Surprise

The taboo talk of anal sex is bound to be addressed in most relationships. Every man has heard the positives of it being a tighter destination for his meat to travel (which is true, because it’s mainly used as an exit and rarely sees entry, duh), and most will sweet talk/convince/plea with their woman to allow them to try it at least once. Women who have yet to cross into that realm have thought about it as well….just like the women who find it just as enjoyable as vaginal penetration, and the women who find it to be one of the most disgusting and painful experiences they have ever endured. Just like with the rules of fellatio, there are stipulations when it comes to dancing the chocolate cha cha. You can never just ‘slip it in by accident’ (why men think this lame fake excuse will always fly is beyond me), there must always be a great deal of lubrication (not spit, Vaseline, or whatever crazy sub you have on hand because you’re that desperate to get it), and you’ve got to take it slow. My counter to being asked for taking part in this act has often been, “I will accept, as long as you take it too.” Maybe it’s a cheap shot since most men want to give and not receive in this arena, but one guy did oblige, so you try and tell me that it’s not a big deal. It can be pleasurable, or it can be a hot, uncomfortable mess.  It all comes down to who you’re partaking in the act with.

Cell Phone/Online Penis Spreads

Who was the woman to first receive a mans’ dick via text or online messaging and told them it was scrumptious? Why do men think that taking the time to lose the pants and give their ween its’ own photo shoot in the best lighting (you hope) will have the ladies come running like dogs in heat? Do you know the vulnerable state you put yourselves in by making such a ridiculous choice? You run the risk of her not only laughing at the media received, it also gives her the ability to forward Mr. Winky to anyone on her phones contact list, or on the internet to be a permanent addition to a Penis Fail forum.  Yes, men love a woman who will dish out a topless picture for their own personal viewing.  Boobies are fun. Why a guy will think we want the favor returned with a dickshot is confusing at best. I have never been in favor of this presumptuous act, and I am positive in saying that most, if not all women agree with me on this one. It’s pervy and unnecessary at best. If you want to keep your dignity in check, refrain from making the dreaded decision of sharing your wanker with the world.  All it takes is one woman appalled or scorned, and you’re screwed.

Sabrina Jennings contributes work and advice here: http://www.yourtango.com/users/sabrinajennings Twitter: @SoSabby

Am I hot or not? 

Dating older guys: Video

High school dating to college long distance

This girl is driving me mad

Homecoming Dance; I think I really like him

Does this older guy like me? 

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional? 

_______________________________

Hey Guys,

Okay, so there’s this guy in my class named Ryan. He was in one of my other classes last year, so we both know each other. My best friend and his best friend almost dated each other so we have hung out out side of school before. But that was only once, and now that our friends don’t really like each other any more we don’t hang out at school any more either.

He is in my bio class and we will talk to each other in groups but I don’t have his number or anything, so I can’t really text him at all. I’m kind of starting to like him because he seems really cool and we’re both artists and I feel like we could really get along well together. I just don’t know how to get him to notice me or talk to me more. I know this will sound weird but his mom has kind of a a rockabilly/pinup style and that’s the way that I dress too, so would that make him not like me because I would remind him of his mom?

I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I’m not the most ordinary girl. I have sandy blonde hair and I don’t wear what every other girl is wearing. I always thought that guys would want to go for the girl that doesn’t look or dress like every other girl, but that hasn’t really worked out for me ahahaa. But I haven’t seen him with a girl at all or heard about him having a thing with a girl so I know he’s definitely single, and he knows I’m single. I’m very independent, and some of my friends have told me that I am very intimidating when it comes to my personality, which I don’t understand because I feel like I’m one of the nicest, drama-free people in my whole group of friends ahaha.

So yeah, I just want to know what I’m doing wrong. I suck at flirting because I haaate girls that make it sooo obvious that they’re trying to flirt with a guy. And I hate girls that are easy so I try not to be one of those girls. Well thanks for reading my looong message, and hopefully this will help me out.

Thaaanks,

Tatum. (:

Dear Tatum,

Thanks for your question.

We applaud you for being an individual and following your own passion and style. High school—we’re assuming you’re in high school—can be difficult for kids who buck the trend and do their own thing. Good for you. But that can be intimidating to people, especially to young guys.

An independent girl that doesn’t necessarily care if some guy is a good athlete or part of the “in crowd” is an enigma to young guys, because guys are so used to attracting girls because of something they’re good at instead of who they are—an interesting and good person perhaps. So we can imagine many of the guys at your school don’t quite know what to make of you, or how to handle you. (It doesn’t matter that you’re really nice and drama-free. It’s all about perception. And young guys are pretty insecure when it comes to strong, passionate, and focused girls.)

We’re not sure where this guy falls in the scope of high school guys but he still is a young guy so he might need some help here. Meaning, you’re going to have to make it obvious to him that he’s not going to be rejected if he pursues you beyond friendship. Don’t you have some friends that could drop a hint or two? Or is there some art show, or gallery the two of you could go to? Or something else casual that you could invite him to? If he likes you, he might welcome you taking the initiative. And with some relaxed hang, especially if it was during a Saturday afternoon or something, you could kind of make it seem like it was a friendly outing instead of a date. After that, there’s not much else you can do. If he doesn’t take the reigns after you’ve made it easy for him then he’s either not interested or too insecure to pursue you.

But don’t over think this. The fact that you dress like his mom is not causing him not ask you out. If a guy is attracted to you then he’s attracted to you. It wouldn’t matter if you were the kind of girl that wore hats with faux furry woodland creatures attached to them. If a guy thinks you’re cute/hot he’ll pursue you no matter what.

So we hope this helps a little. Good luck. And leave us a comment and get us up to date. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Show us some love on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re new there) Thanks!

Private Talk by Sabrina Jennings

Women and Sex by Isabel

“The expectations of Valentine’s Day from a Guy’s Perspective” by Saelen Ghose  Twitter: @saelenghose 

I’m not a fan of expectations. Because I know that expectations are always accompanied by inevitable disappointment. And for me, Valentine’s Day falls clearly into the camp of expectations, a place where I know I can’t win. In fact for guys in general, there’s no winning on the day of the cupid, because there will always be some guy who just has to up the ante and fly his partner for a special night in NYC, or to some tropical isle, or pull out all the stops with rose petals and bubble massages, or organic chocolate instead of the kind you get at the local pharmacy. And then there’s always the guy who just has to propose on this day with a diamond the size of one of Mike Tyson’s gold teeth. But the worst part about the day is that I don’t like being “told” what to do, or made to feel that February 14th is a day of special significance above all others, a day where I show my undying love with the rest of the card carrying schmucks, husbands, and boyfriends who buy into the whole charade.

But I try. And I guess I must get points for that, because my wife always seems content with whatever I do, which really is pretty basic. Flowers. Chocolate. Her favorite take out food. Or a night out at our favorite restaurant—using coupons of course. And if we still have enough energy after putting the kids to bed, maybe a little rendezvous in the hay.

But the thing is, we can do that on any day. February 17th, April 12th, July 1st, September 22 are no different for us than February 14rth. And on days when there are no expectations anything can happen. It’s on those days—tabala rasa—where the real magic happens. An afternoon playing hooky from work to take a long walk in the woods can lead to a quiet appreciation of your partner. A friday night in the cheap hotel a mile from the house might just bring out a side in you, or better still, a side of your partner you only hoped was there. (As long as you can get the grandparents to babysit.) A surprise lunch at work perhaps shows your partner that you’re thinking of her beyond the bedroom. And a “Get out of Parenting” card where your partner can sit around and watch her favorite shows while you do the nighttime kid routine can lead to the other “Nighttime Routine.” (Except this time it’s not routine.)

And frankly, I perform much better when I don’t have the eyes of the world watching my back; and when I don’t have to compare tales by the water cooler the next day, like I compare summer vacations with other parents while attending Back to School Night and other fall functions. Somehow my “little” trip to California or Cape Cod—which I thought was amazing, and actually was—always seems to get dwarfed by somebody’s trip to the vineyards of France or the ancient ruins of Greece or the aquatic wonderland of the Bahamas or the rainforests of Belize. And then I’m left wondering if I even had a good time?

So I propose we change the focus of Valentine’s Day to the one day where we get to take a break from being romantic. Let’s just do the opposite as George Castanza said in the famous episode of Seinfeld. I say it should be a day where we all get to be selfish and irresponsible. It should be a day where we get to give the world “the bird.” A day where we can choose to do nothing or everything, with whomever we want or don’t want.

Because I believe that every day has the potential to be memorable and unique. Every day provides us the opportunity to be creative and show the people who are close to us how much we love them. And to me, saying “I love you” on a cold, random day in November is just as good, if not better, than giving flowers and chocolate on that “Go To” day in February.

But don’t worry, I’m too responsible to buck the trend completely. So I’ll have chocolates and flowers in tow as I do my best to follow the pack and conform. Because I do love my wife, and I also know if I ignore the day, she’ll have nothing to offer the next day in the powder room as her co-workers and friends talk about their amazing Valentine’s nights. And any reasonably intelligent guy knows that this is really what Valentine’s Day is all about.

“Bullying in a competitive world” by Saelen Ghose

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In fourth grade my parents sent me off to private school thinking it would be the best educational setting for my curious mind. But instead of becoming acquainted with Shakespeare, King, Lincoln, and Ghandi, I became “fast friends” with the bullies who would wait for me by the front steps in order to shout disparaging remarks about my Indian heritage, and who were even creative enough to make fun of the old brown station wagon my parents brought me to school in.

Bullying back then was commonplace, something to be endured, an infection that would settle in your body, growing insidiously like mold in the walls, that would then spread rapidly to any available host. Because bullying begets bullying.

To be fair, I spent some time in the bullying camp. It felt good to be included. It felt good to be part of the vocal majority, the people with power. But I’m hardly proud of those days. I might not be able to go back in time and change my behavior, but I can do my best to teach my own kids right from wrong.

But let’s play the devil’s advocate game: bullying is something that every child needs to go through. It makes them tougher. It teaches empathy. It’s just part of life. To which I would say, really? Does it really make them tougher? Or does it just make them meaner, and more apt to bully themselves? And at what age do the eventual lessons take hold? Does a seven year-old really learn something from being picked on?

Today, our general tolerance of bullying has changed. I became aware of this I when one of my children—a kindergartener at the time—had a serious issue with some sixth graders on the bus. I immediately took the problem to the principal of the school. And he told me, “You know the schools have a No Tolerance Policy.” He went on to explain the school’s stance on the issue of bullying, and swiftly took care of the problem. I was impressed, but more importantly, relieved that this wouldn’t become an ongoing issue.

But I can’t help wonder if our society has truly changed when it comes to bullying. Maybe the schools have altered their tune, but I’m not so sure we have collectively. There are some people who still blame the victim. “She shouldn’t have transferred schools.” “He shouldn’t have tried to be friends with those kids.” But many take the path of “no comment” because it’s too uncomfortable for them to think about, or get involved with. Because all of us fear being ostracized. We all want to be part of the “in-group” no matter what age we are. Side with the victim, and then possibly become a victim yourself. No thank you.

But bullying isn’t only happening in schools—it’s everywhere. On playdates. On ballfields. In the neighborhood. At work. And that’s where it gets all gray and fuzzy, because we live in a competitive society. The world’s population is growing, which means the pie is shrinking. Parents especially fear this inevitable change, so  sometimes inappropriate behavior is labeled as necessary competitive drive rather than what it really is: bullying.

And I’ll be frank. I’m as competitive as the rest. I don’t believe we should pretend that everyone is equally competent at all things when they’re not. Not every kid is good at sports. Some kids have trouble with reading. Others have trouble with math. Some kids move slowly. And some can’t slow their bodies down enough to follow directions.

But I also believe every child should have a chance to find something they’re good at. They should be given every opportunity possible to explore many avenues, and eventually get to taste at least a little piece of the pie. Because throwing the weak under the bus only makes our moral fiber weaker, which inevitably reflects on who we are as a society and as individuals.

As parents it’s hard to watch or hear about your kid being bullied or ostracized, especially as you feel the heat of anger rise from your toes, progress slowly up your spine, and finally settle at the base of your neck. But the rational part of you understands that the bullies are typically just kids trying to figure out where they fit in the world too. It’s a very complicated issue for sure.

I often think about those bullies at my old school and wonder if they are looking back at their past indiscretions as I am, and wondering why they behaved the way they behaved. Because being a parent will do that to you. It undresses you, exposes you, and makes you take a hard look at yourself. But then, gloriously it forgives, and it provides a chance to “make it all good.” Because the teachable moments are there every day, we just have to be aware enough to see them.

Readers: Please leave us a comment. 

What are your thoughts on the topic of bullying?

Have you experienced bullying yourself, or as a parent?

Please share any experiences you might have. Or insights.

Read some other parenting essays: 

Pride in the uniform

Magic of the holidays

Boredom’s gift

The second time around

Surviving a birthday sleepover

My husband came to me a month ago, smack in the middle of my breast cancer treatment, and told me he is not happy and hasn’t been for awhile. He told me he wanted a divorce. He said he used to be crazy about me, but he’s just going through the motions now.

I did not see this coming. I have had some trust issues with him because in the past I found flirty messages on his phone. I confronted him about them but have never really gotten over it. Things have been strained lately and I noticed for a couple months he’s been withdrawing, drinking more, and spending a lot of time in the garage.

I had a miscarriage, then got diagnosed with cancer, and on top of that, we bought a house together five months ago. He suggested a counselor, but then admitted after that he just didn’t really want it to work anyways. I’m devastated. The stress was too much for me so I decided to move out and get an attorney. We’ve been lashing out at each other with anger mostly about the house. I also found out he was seeing someone behind my back for a couple of months although he says it was emotional, not physical. (Yeah right.)

As much as I hate him for doing this to me right now, I love him and I miss him. Did I do the right thing by leaving? He had already checked out anyway and my pride wouldn’t let me beg. I’m so confused. When I went to move my things out he had taken all of the pictures down from the wall. He brought a list to the counselor of problems he saw with the marriage, including I don’t dress nice (same way I always dressed), I dont trust people (his self esteem; he has a history of depression), my self-confidence (which has obviously suffered from my treatment). He’s made it very clear he is not willing to invest any effort into fixing things at this point, and I’m pretty sure since I’ve moved out the other girl has been there.

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

Keri

Dear Keri,

Thanks for your question. We’re really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. We’ll try our best to make some sense of your situation.

When people think of marriage they think of two people falling in love. However, some people get married hoping that the other person will somehow make them whole, or make them feel happier. If they’re depressed this new person makes them feel better. If they have low self-esteem their new spouse boosts their confidence. If they’re angry this new person calms them down. If they’re adrift this new person serves as an anchor. But only for so long. Only until the “newness”wears off. From what you describe—the comments your husband’s made to you about the way you dress, the fact that he drinks and has been likely cheating, and the fact that he blames you for everything—the “newness” of your marriage has worn off and now he feels like something is missing.

We’re not saying that every marriage can be fixed. And we’re not saying people shouldn’t split up. (We believe that until you walk in someone else’s shoes you never really know what they’re going through.) But we will say the timing of your split is very unfortunate even though it makes sense in a way. If your husband has looked to you to solve his problems, then it only makes sense that he leaves when you’re least able to provide what he needs.

It also makes sense for you to still love him even though he’s treated you so poorly. Feelings don’t just disappear overnight; they fade over time with with repeated emotional blows by the other person. But even though you still have feelings for him that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have left. Most importantly you need to look after yourself. You need to be in a good frame of mind and as stress free as possible to help your body heal. And if your husband is not going to support you then you need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

Once again we’re really sorry this has happened. We can only offer our opinion based on the information you provide, but frankly, sometimes it’s hard to know exactly why people do what they do. Is it possible he could wake up one day—next week or ten years from now—and totally regret what he did? Absolutely. But you can’t live for that day. You have to take things a day at a time and do everything you can to stay positive for your own health.

Take care of yourself. We’re sending you positive thoughts.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

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Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

___________________________________

Dear Guys,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But our families don’t believe that our relationship will hang on through college. I’m going to college to be a teacher after my senior year next year, but he’s going to college to be a doctor next year. We probably won’t get into the same college, so I’m afraid that being in different schools for so many years will be really hard.

Do you have any advice for us?

Grace

Dear Grace, 

Thanks for your question.

Your family members are offering their opinions based on percentages, not necessarily because they don’t approve of your relationship. The fact is, most high school relationships don’t last. That doesn’t mean they can’t, it’s just that most people don’t marry their high school sweetheart. Why? Because it’s difficult two keep two people focused, committed, and on the same page, as they traverse through life and gain new experiences. But it’s not impossible.

The first step is commitment. Both you and your boyfriend need to be completely committed to one another. Being at the same school, or in the same town, makes it relatively easy. You see each other every day and you’re constantly affirming your love for each other. But when one person moves away it’s sometimes easy to forget what a great thing you left behind, especially when life is full of interesting new distractions: intense studies, new friends, and beautiful co-eds. These kinds of distractions can easily disrupt even the most seasoned person’s focus and commitment. But for a young person, living on their own for the first time, it’s even more difficult.

So Grace, here are some suggestions to help you keep the connection strong while the two of you are at different colleges. These are not set in stone because life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path, but these will help you cover a few important bases.

First: You need to have a discussion BEFORE he leaves on how, and how often, the two of you will communicate. Will it be by phone? By text? Email? IM? And, will you “talk” every day, every other day, once a week? And for how long? And at what times of the day? If the two of you are at different colleges that means your schedules will no longer be in sync. So when will you talk? There will be many times when one of you will be busy with some project or social commitment, etc. How will you handle that? How will the two of you compromise and work this out?

Second: You need to talk about how often you’ll visit. Who will visit whom? Will you alternate visits? And who will pay for plane flights, etc.? You might think this is too basic to even discuss but from our experience the minutia matters. It’s better to discuss something ad nauseum, than be dealt with some surprise you’re not prepared for.

Third: You both need to express your commitment and love for each other often. You won’t be able to rely on touch or proximity when communicating how you feel about one another. So you’ll be forced to communicate verbally or by words on a screen. It won’t be the time to hold back. Be expressive. In order for both of you to feel secure, you both need reassure one another daily about your commitment.

Finally: It’s all about trust Grace. Distance is good at boring holes in the foundation of a relationship. It can cause even the most caring of partners to wonder what’s really going on? But if the two of you work on the relationship daily, and pay attention to how you communicate, the distance shouldn’t crumble your foundation.

We certainly hope this works out for both of you. Sure, life is full of distractions, but if the two of you really love and trust one another, it is possible to make it work.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Dating as a single mom

Will guys date single moms?

“Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I met the most wonderful man (over 40 and a bachelor) last August. Prior to our relationship he had been in only one long term relationship (14 months), in which he was engaged for about 3 months before he abruptly ended it and blamed her for not being over her ex-husband. This relationship ended two years prior to our meeting.

Just three dates into our relationship he told me he didn’t feel he could proceed if I was not open to getting married. Having such a strong connection early on, I expressed that I would be open to marriage. In the following months, he has talked about getting engaged, living together, and getting married. To the extent that when he joined a country club recently he told me he was putting me down as his wife. I have met all of his friends, his parents, and his siblings. He does not hide me, and even talked about me and our future plans in his Christmas letter for his friends, family and clients. Although, five months is pretty fast, it has felt nothing more than natural.

Then, three weeks ago, I noted he was still friends with his ex-fiance on Facebook and I asked him to remove her. I had a cheating spouse and although I feel these are my trust issues, I trusted this man beyond the confines of Facebook. He said he would but then two weeks later she was still there and when approached he said he would not remove her as her family were his friends and clients and he did not want to ‘upset the apple cart’ for what he calls a non-issue. In the meantime, he gets upset with me and blames me for not trusting him, then in a turn tells me that my kids disrespect me too much—they are 13 & 17—and he can’t live in that type of household.  And does not feel he wants to enter into any kind of financial contract with me but he still wants us to move forward and not end our relationship.

Now, I am confused. In my many attempts to talk to him, I get put off, told we live too far away (45 min) from each other and he won’t be able to spend as much time with me anymore as his workload has been increasing. So, I am still confused, bewildered, and feel he is pushing me away. However, instead of wanting to talk about all of this, he tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply. But he tells me he is unsure of how to proceed. He then tells me he needs time to think about everything and that he is not in the same place in our relationship as I am and he doesn’t feel he is ready for marriage or co-habitation.  OH… HELLO… he has been the one all along who has been talking of this.

Yes, I am certainly ready to marry him, as up until now I could honestly say I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate.  Sure, I felt we were ready to continue to move forward but now I am just confused. I am giving him the time and space for him to think about what he wants, told him to take his time to really make the best choice for him.

I am heart broken to say the least, after my divorce three years ago (married 17 years) I thought I would never open my heart up again to this magnitude. I feel lost and helpless.

Should I wait it out?  Does he just have cold feet?  Am I wrong to think that he has kept his ex his friend because he wants to keep a door open to a possible reconcilliation?  What am I missing?

Thanks in advance for your point of view!

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling heartbroken. Hopefully we can shed some light on your situation.

Meeting someone in your early twenties is so simple isn’t it? Typically, you meet, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a house, and you have kids. But beginning a relationship in your 40s is a whole different ballgame. Those extra twenty years are full of life experiences. Some people might call this baggage, but we feel that often has a negative connotation associated with it. We like to say people have just matured and seasoned a bit, as the two of you have.

And it’s that seasoning that has thrown this guy off. He’s finally opened his eyes and realized that if he wants to be with you he needs to accept and welcome the entire package, and that’s what he’s struggling with right now. But from our point of view, you seem like an easy person to be with. You’re open to dialogue, you want to understand your partner and you want to work through issues. Those are some of the important ingredients to having a successful marriage/partnership. If he doesn’t see that, or frankly, thinks he’s going to find a “perfect” situation where he doesn’t have to deal with any issues at all, he’s sorely mistaken. He only needs to look at his own situation to realize that no one is a blank slate, and what makes people interesting—and probably why he fell for you—is who they’ve become based on their life experiences.

As far as his ex-wife on Facebook, well, that is a non-issue. Sure, he shouldn’t have told you he was going to remove her when he really didn’t want to, but we don’t see a problem with it. Typically, people who divorce don’t reunite with their ex. And really, there’s no reason he can’t be friends with her, or remain connected with some of their mutual friends. Just because he didn’t want to be in a marriage with her doesn’t mean he should throw away all the other connections he made while he was married to her. And the fact that he has an amicable relationship with his ex also shows he’s not a bitter and angry person, and one to hold grudges. That bodes well for your relationship if it works out.

We can see why you’d be confused by his behavior though—his backpedaling especially—but from a guy’s perspective it’s pretty typical. Here’s what guys do when they meet someone they’re attracted to.

Stage 1. Pursue, pursue. (They just have to be with this woman)

Stage 2. They finally attain what they were pursuing and it’s bliss. (For a while at least.)

Stage 3. They start thinking she might be the one. (Yes, guys do that too) They’re still in the fantasy world.

Stage 4. Reality sets in. They think, “I’ll never be able to have sex with anyone else. Hmm…Do I want to be with her forever? She might be great in bed but I there’s this other thing.” (Fill in the blank for what that ‘other thing’ might be) And finally he’s thinking about the hot “redheaded bartender” and the “girl at the supermarket” and his “c0-worker” etc. The reality stage is a big deal for guys.

Stage 5. Bolt or commit. (This is the fork in the road. Many guys bolt here, and some guys decide to proceed forward, although still scared.)

Getting from Stage 1 to Stage 5 can take two weeks or two years. (Those are random numbers to illustrate a point. Each guy is different.)

You are currently at Stage 5. And you are waiting patiently. Good for you. 

So to answer your questions(Our opinions):

Yes he’s having cold feet.

And yes, you should wait it out. (For a bit.)

No, he’s not looking to get back with his ex.

Yes, at some point you need to talk all of these issues through. He might be the ‘man of your dreams’ but if he refuses to open up and talk about everything, the relationship will probably never transition from the dream world to the real one.

Good luck and hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Readers: Scroll to bottom of post for more questions about Long Distance Relationships.

__________________________

Hi Guys,

I met an amazing man on a vacation last March.  He was very clearly smitten with me. And although we live far away from each other, he seemed really interested in pursuing a relationship following the vacation. We texted and called each other several times a day for several weeks following the trip and talked about future trips we’d like to plan together.

At first it was platonic, because I had not yet ended my long term, yet failing relationship, back home. But, when I felt myself really falling for this new guy, I felt both elated and guilty. I felt sure I’d met a man I could spend the rest of my life with. He was kind and inclusive and interested and shared deep feelings with me. He talked about what life would be like if we were in it for the long term. Mutual friends from the vacation felt sure that I could have him if I wanted him. But, I also wanted to be honorable and kind to my old boyfriend and settle things with him before moving into something new. When I was honest about this, the new guy was at first very understanding, but as I took a few weeks to settle with my ex, my new guy became discouraged and decided we should just be friends, and he opted to date someone local instead.

A mutual friend says that new guy was incredibly into me, but he couldn’t see it working because I was still involved with my ex and then he talked himself out of it due to the long-distance. About a month later, new guy contacted me again and told me that he wasn’t that into his new girl. He said he felt comfortable with her, but that she wasn’t very exciting and staying with her might be like settling. Perhaps he was feeling out my situation. He invited me to travel with him. I was not available to travel at the time but I told him how happy I was to hear from him. But, I’ve hardly heard from him since.

He’s still with the other girl. What happened? Has he decided to just settle with her? Has their relationship grown close? What now? Do I contact him to declare my feelings? Do I just try to occasionally communicate as friends and hope that he’ll take the initiative again some day? Do I cut him off entirely so I don’t feel tortured anymore?  The problem is that I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life.  My feelings were so strong for him and his for me during those first few weeks. So strong that I can’t get him out of my mind and I don’t want to forget about him.  What should I do?

Mia

Dear Mia,

Thanks for your question.

It seems to us that this guy’s uncertainty stems from your situation with your ex-boyfriend, not because he’s not into you. And while we very much respect how you handled breaking up with your ex it’s now time to reach out to this new guy. If you really like him as much as you say you do why are you making him work so hard? And when he contacted you again, why wouldn’t you offer him some other possibility to get together even if you couldn’t travel at the time? Now what is he supposed to think? So the ball is clearly in your court. You’ve got to be the one to take the initiative.

Remember Mia, the nature of this situation is very tenuous. You met on vacation. And as you know vacations always have an element of fantasy to them. Not only do you travel to a new place, but in some ways you travel away from yourself. Often when you meet someone in that setting it can get intense quickly. But when people return to their daily lives that’s when doubts and insecurities can start developing. (They did for him) So yes, he might have been understanding at first, and probably respected you for being honorable with your boyfriend, but a man can only take so much, especially if he’s only known you for a week. And so we imagine he started questioning himself. “Do I really know this woman? What am I doing? Was this something I just made up in my head? Maybe she’s not as into me as I’m into her?”

But you ask, “Why is he dating this other girl?” Unfortunately it’s for comfort, which isn’t great for her. But this guy has convinced himself that the situation with you–the girl of his dreams possibly—isn’t going to work, so he’s seeking solace in another woman’s arms or bed. And while we don’t condone taking advantage of another woman we completely understand why he’s doing it. And probably there’s an element of ‘well she did it so I’m going to as well’ going on.

So to answer your question, yes, you can get this going again. But the ball is in your court. And frankly what do you have to lose by telling him how you feel? Life is full of risks, but putting your heart on the line for love seems well worth it. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets. And if it does, well you know better than we do how that will feel.

Be strong and just go for it.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. In person, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thanks. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

___________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_________________________

Dear Guys,

HELP! I dated my FWB (Friends with Benefits) for eight months. He treated me badly. Forgot my birthday. Gave back the Xmas gifts I bought him because he said he didn’t like them. Screamed at me on Xmas because his car broke down. And more.

He used to be a gentleman but it changed over time. I now pay for our dinner dates. I’ve helped him with his paperwork at his job so he could meet deadlines. I was over supportive. After eight months I asked him if we could be together (labeled girlfriend) and he said he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend because he was too busy working three jobs.

I got fed up, and slept with another guy, took a pic of the guy in my bed and texted it to my FWB, and told him to F off. I guess it was eight months of pent-up frustration after tolerating disrespect and constant put downs. He told me he didn’t love me, acted like he didn’t care if I dated other men. (All I ever wanted was him.) I told him to block my number if he didn’t like the texts I was sending. I went off on a rant, but he wouldn’t block me. He told me I ruined anything that we could of possibly had.

My question? What did I ruin? He never wanted a relationship, and if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn’t technically cheat on him. He’s been stringing me along and I guess he didn’t see this coming. I gave him everything. I feel so unappreciated and degraded, but I take full responsibility because I enabled his behavior. Now after he saw the text, he said bye and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done trying; then I said goodbye too.

An hour later he rings my phone but I let it go to voicemail. Later on the same day he texts and asks me to schedule an eye doctor appointment so he can get glasses. (I work at Optometrist office, and in the past I scheduled and went to the eye doctor with him.) This time I ignored his text. The next day I got another text from him asking me to schedule an eye doctor appointment for him. Again, I ignored it. If we are broken up, then all contact should be severed. The following day, instead of texting he IMs
me on Google and asks the same question and I ignored that as well.

He didn’t contact me anymore after that. I miss him terribly, but I know I deserve better. I would just want to know what could possibly be going through his mind? Now that I am gone and standing my ground—which I have never done with him in the past because I have spoiled him rotten—do you think he is finally starting to realize how he mistreated me throughout the relationship? Please help, I am heartbroken, but determined to move forward. It was childish of me to send that pic to him, but I reached the end of my rope. I wasted eight months being strung along while he enjoyed the benefits. He treated me very badly…

Chanel

Dear Chanel,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so down right now. Hopefully as you have some space and time to take a look at your relationship the pain will lessen.

We’re not going to give you a hard time about your actions. You know it wasn’t the best idea to send him that text, although it probably felt good at the time. (And we totally get why you’d want to send it.) But the problem is there’s nowhere to go from there. You’re basically acknowledging the relationship is over. And in addition, when you do something like that it tends to shift the spotlight on you rather than on his poor behavior over the course of your relationship. In some ways it lets him off the hook.

But you didn’t cheat on him. At least technically. Because you’re right, there’s typically no commitment in a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement unless exclusivity was discussed ahead of time. And frankly by the way he acted all throughout your time together we don’t see that you owed him anything.

Here’s the problem with a FWB arrangement. It always seems like such a good idea at the onset. But when guys propose a FWB relationship they mean just that: casual sex with no strings attached. When women agree to this type of arrangement, often they are hoping something more might develop. And this illustrates a striking difference between men and women. Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily than women, so a FWB relationship can work for them. (Although we’d like to qualify that by saying, men also suffer from this type of situation. Any self-respecting man understands he’s hurting the woman he’s having sex with even if he tries to ignore that nagging feeling. It’s not good for his soul or his karma.)

It’s very natural for you to miss him even if he treated you badly, which he did. We’re sure he must have some positive qualities otherwise you wouldn’t have lasted eight months; but from what you describe he’s got a lot of work to do on himself. And ultimately you’re right; you deserve much better. Acknowledging this is a step in the right direction.

So why is he contacting still? You’re familiar to him. And convenient. Sure, maybe he’s feeling some regret and remorse but more likely he believes he still holds some power over you and thus can contact you to help him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but to us his actions after the two of you “broke up” illustrate even more clearly why you need to move on. A guy who’s able to flip a switch like that and transition so easily into survival mode isn’t a guy who is going to meet your emotional needs.

Our advice: Don’t get sucked back into his den. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes and apply that new knowledge to your next relationship. And don’t settle. That means, no more FWB arrangements. They don’t work.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us in person, and on Twitter. Thanks! @TGPBuzz

________________________

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

__________________________

Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Divorced and online dating

Dating as a single mother in my 20s

Divorced women in her 40s dating bachelors

Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

I realize I still love my husband after getting divorced

____________________________

Hi Guys!

This is gonna make your brain hurt but here goes. I’ve been together with my guy for seven years, and married for four. We have a two year-old son. We have had a tough couple of years given my husband (now my ex-husband) is a police officer. There have been several emotional affairs and one or two intimate ones.(By him) I have forgiven him for them but will never forget.

I have literally lived in a very, “I love you today, wish you would leave the next day” relationship for about two and a half years. We finally divorced about one week ago. I did not want the divorce but he said he needed to find himself and he’s not who he is. Well I can second that! But what changed?

He wrote me two letters in the past two years telling me I made his life wonderful and he loved me more than I would ever know. His most recent letter was telling me just how proud of me he is and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And the next month he moved out of our bedroom? That was last year. Then he starts texting and sexting other married women and sneaking out with them. And when I question him about it he says, “We’re done. I told you I was done with you.” When did you tell me I wonder?

I know we’ve had hard times and yes we’ve yelled the “I want a divorce” crap several times but I never knew it was being yelled for real, becasue we would be fine a few days later. I didn’t want this divorce I am in love with this man.

I can’t stand to know he’s going to be sleeping with other women; it kills me. I asked him to leave our home in November after finding a text to another woman whom he refuses to tell me anthing about. The text was all about how much they love each other and can’t wait to be together. He says it was a drunk text. Maybe that’s true. I haven’t seen them call or text each other but once since.

He came home on December 10th and told me he wanted to talk to me before any decisions were made about the divorce. Three days went by without him saying a word to me. Then we had a good night and I casually asked if we were gonna have the talk. He blew up at me and filed the next day. And ever since that day he’s begged me daily to hurry and sign the papers. Well I finally did and he just seems so happy without me. It’s heartbreaking. My therapist says that he seems to be narcissistic. I dunno, but another man’s POV (Point of View) would be helpful.

I want my family back and my husband back. What do I do?

Rather not Say

Dear Rather not Say,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. We never like to see families break up.

For some guys it takes a while to settle into a marriage. Many guys don’t realize there’s a big difference between saying, “I do” and actually doing it. And when that reality hits some guys step up to the plate and get their act together—albeit some take longer than others—and some guys just can’t seem to see the treasure that’s right in front of them. The “latter” guys view marriage as a prison. It’s a place where they have no fun, they have no freedom; a place where they feel burdened with responsibilities. These are the guys that stray, cheat, and finally do irreparable damage to their relationships, all the while dragging their spouses through the mud.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Marriage can be difficult, especially with kids in the picture. And that’s another pivotal point for some guys. Now they are no longer their wife’s number one. In fact for a while they are quite the distant second. And a lot of men just can’t handle that. It’s not that they don’t love their baby, it’s just they are still babies themselves. These guys haven’t matured enough to realize that becoming a father is not just a huge responsibility, but one of the greatest things that can ever happen to a man. We imagine your guy’s touching notes to you were written during one of his rare moments of reflection when he took a hard look at his life and all the wonderful things in it. (You, your son) It sounds like he’s capable of self-reflection, but the more narcissistic side of him is winning the battle. And so yes, we agree with your therapist to some degree.

We’re not saying marriage is right for everyone. And we’re also not saying that people should stay in a loveless marriage. But so much of the time people break up and get divorced only to find that they’re no different in the next relationship, and that their same old patterns keep resurfacing over and over. Changing the environment is only a temporary fix for these people.

So what can you do?

You can take care of your son and be the best mother you can be. You can do the best to move on by pursuing your interests, passions, career, etc. You can lean on your friends and family for support. But you certainly don’t need to change anything to make yourself more alluring to him. If a loving wife and beautiful child is not enough to keep him committed then nothing will. We fear he’s not going to change any time soon. From what you describe he’s got a lot of learning to do. The good news is that he’s aware of it, and in those quiet moments he might even be reflecting on it. But that doesn’t mean he’s close to figuring it all out. He should read, “Are you with the right mate?” It’s from a recent Psychology Today. (You’ll find it interesting as well.)

It is possible that he could get his act together, but it could take a long time. And who knows if you will be open to him still when he figures out what he gave up.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or leave us a follow up comment. We’ll respond here in the comments section as well.

Good luck and keep us posted,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_________________________________

Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

THE GUYS

Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

For REAL TIME discussion, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some other questions to check out:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Military relationship: What do I do?

How to ask about sex? 

“Booting up for the New Year” by Saelen Ghose

After a long, restful vacation I feel like one of those old internet providers—the kind you’d dial-in, then go make tea and read the paper, before it finally connected. It always takes a while for me to “boot up” for the New Year. But my kids, even longer.

I’ve been hearing cries of rebellion for the last few weeks as school and extra-curricular activities have resumed again, squeezing hours out of the day, that for a while were filled with just sitting around being bored. I no longer hear, “Dad, I am bored.” It’s more like, “Dad, I wish I were bored.”  To which I respond, “Me too.”

Boy do I wish I were bored. Or rather, had time in my day where I could choose to be bored if I wanted to. But instead I find myself right back in full swing, making lunches, signing permission slips, working, chauffering to practices, making dinners, cleaning up dinners, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed, and working more. And of course there’s the ever-present dog to take care of.

So I’m wondering how to stop from falling into familiar patterns? Is it possible to ignore what everyone else is doing, and make decisions that work specifically for my family? Is there a way to make life flow in a more congruous way, rather than being so fragmented? Can I find balance?

I think a good start would be to impose a simple family rule: my wife and I make the decisions for the family. I do believe it’s important to empower kids to think for themselves and also important to encourage them to make their own decisions. But while those are important qualities to impart, sometimes those teachings can backfire, especially when the kids think they’re running the show.

Just the other day, my wife and I wanted to take a family hike in the woods. Instead of cheers from the gallery we heard moans and groans as if we told the kids it was time to go get their flu shots. We ignored their cries and went ahead with our plans. We knew that once we were surrounded by the clean, wooded air, everyone would have a great time. And we were right. The dog playfully roamed free for once, the kids explored streams and rotted tree trunks, and my wife and I took it all in and relaxed. We were all able to decompress and dial out for a moment, which needs to happen more often. But for me, the best part was that we were all together.

Too much of our family time is spent dividing and conquering. We have to because our schedule is insane, like most modern families. Weekends sound like this. “I’ll drive to soccer, then pick up the presents for the party.” “Sounds good. It’s my turn to carpool to basketball. Then I’ll pick up the boys from the party later.” “Great. I’m helping sell Girl Scout cookies this afternoon, so we’ll rendezvous at the pizza joint some time this evening.” “Perfect.” And by the time the day is done, the kids are fried, and my wife and I barely have enough energy to get up off the couch and go to bed.

Believe me, a part of that schedule I love. My favorite activity is watching my kids participate in the activities they love. But these types of weekends often revolve around individuals in our family, rather than our family as a whole.

I’d like to change that this new year. When we asked the kids what their highlights were for 2011, most of their responses involved some sort of family outing or vacation. And seeing that those particular activities took up a very small percentage of the year, that was quite telling. Sure, it’s difficult to get five people on the same page at any given time, but bringing the family together as a unit is vital for our collective well-being. We are a team, and the best way to gel like a team is to play together often.

So here’s to 2012. Same people, but hoping for some new habits. More time together, arguing over which station to listen to, who leads the hike, and what restaurant we’ll go to. But somehow I know all those arguments will be forgotten as memories form, prioritizing the good times. My guess is, we’ll all only remember what mattered most: time spent together as one.

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

___________________________

Hi Guys!

First of all I’m 23 and my guy is 22. Let’s call him Alex. We met about 4-5 months ago. We have kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc. (No sex yet, though he really wants to do it.) I like him but his actions are somehow confusing.

Alex is usually nicer and more attentive over texts and/or Facebook messages. He texts me at least once per day—random stuff and at random times—and that’s the only time when we have conversations about our relationship.

I already said that he really, really wants to do ‘it’, but I’m not ready.  I had a horrible experience with my last boyfriend and I haven’t dated or tried to be in a relationship with anyone since then. (More than 4 years now). However, Alex  said that he is willing to wait until the time comes, which I find really sweet of him! He doesn’t know and never asked for the details of what happened between me and my last boyfriend either.

The problem I face sometimes is that when we are together he is usually the one talking and it is almost all the time about him. I barely say anything and when I do I don’t feel like he is actually that interested. He interrupts and says things completely off topic. He rarely asks about my life. I’m learning a lot about him, but he’s not learning much about me.

On occasion he mentions his previous girlfriends. He also talks about his really beautiful friends and/or the kind of women he finds attractive. (At really random times which doesn’t bother me as much, as in I don’t get angry, but it does worry me a bit.) And the other thing is, I don’t really know what are we. I would like to call us a couple, but so far he hasn’t introduced me as ‘his girlfriend’ and I have even met his father. (Which he did not introduce to me, but we talked anyways.) During the first time we tried to be more intimate I did ask him if he was serious and he said yes with no pauses, no signs of frustration, just a calm attitude. He also told me why he liked me. (I am his friend and also a pretty gal.)

Do I have any reason to worry? Or am I just being needy/jealous/ partially paranoid due to my past experiences?  I know my own fears might be part of the problem, but I do like him and overall when we are together—even if we are just watching a movie—I am quite happy. But I want us to be closer in a more emotional/mental way as well as the physical.

Thank you very much for the help and I apologize in advance for the trouble.

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question. This is no trouble at all. That’s what we’re here for.

We can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure. We’ll try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. His interest in you

Sometimes young guys are clueless when it comes to asking questions and engaging in an actual conversation. They can get so wrapped up in their own world that they forget that they’re not necessarily the most fascinating creatures on the planet. We’re sure you don’t find everything he says to be that interesting, and you probably don’t care about half the topics, but you do care about him enough to try to listen and support him when he’s telling you about his life and his interests. This might come naturally to you, but clearly it doesn’t come naturally to him. So you need to gently interject things about you, and steer the topic toward some of the things you want to talk about. If he starts losing attention, or starts to digress or go off-topic,  you need to point this out to him nicely. He probably has no idea he’s doing this. (At least we hope he has no idea.)

2. Sex

There are two relationship stages for guys. Before sex, and after sex. The before sex stage is the fantasy stage. The hunt. A guy will sometimes be extra nice and extra attentive in this stage; not because he’s being manipulative—although that’s possible—but because his hormones are raging out of control. Picture a balloon that’s been blown up until it can’t hold any more air; and then picture it as it’s released into the air. This is how a guy feels when he’s pursuing a woman he’s interested in. This stage could also account for why your guy is nicer to you via text rather than in person. Texting and Facebook messaging fall into the fantasy realm believe it or not. It’s all about being more interested in the chase rather than the actual prize.

After a guy finally manages to have sex with the woman he is pursuing, the haze lifts from his mind and he can finally see clearly for the first time. This is when many women write to us and wonder what happened. They say, “Everything was wonderful until we spent the weekend together. The sex was great, but now he’s distant and he hardly texts me, and he takes forever to get back to me.”

It’s at this stage where a guy will assess and try to understand why he’s feeling differently all of a sudden. Some guys are intuitive enough to understand what’s happening, but many guys—especially younger guys—are so confused that they bail. We can’t say where your guy fits in this equation, but certainly you’ll know much more about his state of mind if/when you have sex.

(However, we are in NO WAY suggesting that you do anything you’re not completely comfortable with. We’re just explaining what’s likely going on for him. No woman, or man for that matter, should have sex with anyone unless they feel it’s the right thing for them.)

3. What are you? A couple?

This is important to figure out before you proceed with your “relationship.” If he’s not introducing you to people as his girlfriend he likely doesn’t see you that way. And this is our biggest concern. Guys generally want to tell EVERYONE about their amazing new girl. Sure, not every guy is like that, but certainly if this guy was serious about you he’d want to let his friends and family know. But to be fair, maybe he’s unsure about where you stand? Have you talked about this at all?

The thing is Sara, without actually talking about this stuff you’re not really going to know where you stand. And maybe this is okay with you for right now, since you’re a bit unsure about him anyway.

4. Our Advice

We suggest you start with trying to get more dialogue and two-way conversations going with him. If he’s receptive to that, maybe he’ll then be receptive to discussing what is actually going on with the two of you. And after that, then you can decide if you want to proceed forward with other aspects of your relationship. (Physical intimacy, etc.)

Hope this helps.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

My son is throwing his life away on a woman with three kids

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Also:

Check out our relationship videos: Subscribe to our You Tube Channel

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Dear Guys,

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. Two years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. (The decision was mutual). One month after the breakup I was the first girl he went on a date with. I knew it was too soon for him but he didn’t say it; I just had a feeling that proved to be right. We “lasted” for two weeks. He couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. Since then, he’s tried to date other women, but couldn’t start an emotional relationship with anyone.

We used to bump into each other every now and then. It was friendly but a bit awkward. He kept sending me mixed messages—you know the drill—and every time he saw mutual friends he asked them about me first. However, every time I tried to initiate a get-together with a friend or a group of friends he would politely decline.

The turning point happened last summer. We started seeing each other more often. First, we saw each other once a week. Then twice. Then three, even four times a week. He is the one who initiates it almost every time. (I might have participated with 10%). Sometimes we’re in a group of friends, sometimes we’re alone. There are, of course, mixed messages still coming from him. (Constantly complimenting me, showing moderate jealousy, staring at me, bumping me etc.), But mostly I ignore it.

To be honest, I really like him as a person and I’ve never had such good time with anyone. When I told him that, he admitted that he felt the same. He’s pretty anti-social and doesn’t get close to people, but we started sharing secrets, having internal jokes, and grew very close to the point of people asking us if we were a couple etc. It is very unusual for him to behave like that with anyone, be it a male or a female. We even said “I love you” to each other. He is very caring towards me, and called me his “soft spot” not long ago.
He initiated a “what-went-wrong” conversation a couple of times, and every time we would come to the same conclusion—it’s not me or any other woman, for that matter—it’s him.

A couple of months ago, he suggested we became friends with benefits, which I sharply declined. He agreed it would be a bad solution for the both of us because it would screw him up too, but that he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship either. We’ve never talked about that since. We spend more time with each other than we do with anyone. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in a relationship with him but I know I’m not. We don’t have any physical contact, except for back/shoulder touching, occasional arm intertwining and kisses on the cheek.

I flirt with other men and I do have a life besides him. (And I believe the same goes for him.) But we don’t talk about other men/women, nor do we flirt with anyone when we’re together.

I know you guys aren’t mind-readers, but I’d like to know what do you think of the whole situation. What am I to him?

Thank you!

Myrtle

Dear Myrtle,

Thanks for your question. You’re right, we’re not mind readers but this scenario is familiar to us.

Our sense is he wants very much to be in love with you. So many pieces of a successful relationship are present. Trust. Mutual respect. Fun. Laughs. Comfort. On paper the two of you should be together, which is part of the reason all of your friends wonder aloud what’s going on, and why you are so confused about the situation. But the problem is, love is not a spreadsheet of pros and cons. There’s always that other piece. The X factor. The “I don’t know why I love her but I do” factor. Or on the flip side. The “I don’t know what’s wrong with me because she’s perfect” factor.

And the “latter” is what we suspect is going on for him, which accounts for all the mixed-messages you are getting from him. He can’t seem to figure out why he isn’t jumping into a relationship with you; but something is holding him back. Sure, it could be his own inability to connect with someone emotionally. (But we have to assume he was connected to his ex in that way.) It could be too soon after his breakup with his ex. (Some people take longer to rebound.) But it’s more likely that some piece is missing for him that he can’t quite seem to put his finger on.

So our gut tells us you are a great friend to him and that’s where it’s likely to stay. So now you have to ask yourself if you’re okay with this? Because if you’re hanging out with him hoping something is going to change we think you’re going to be frustrated. Just the fact that he suggested a FWB (Friends with Benefits) arrangement tells us the two of you are on different pages here.

We’re glad you’re keeping your other options open and are interested in other men as well. We’d hate for you to spend so much emotionally energy and time on this guy and then have it implode when he starts to date other women. So keep yourself out there, have some fun, and treat this guy as just a friend. Who knows, maybe he’ll be someone that could provide you with some insights into some of the new men in your life. We highly recommend having friends of the opposite sex. (Strictly friends, not FWB)

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave us a comment and/or a follow question. We’ll respond here as well. (And if something huge changes, let us know. We’d love to know we were wrong.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Domineering when I date; I give dating advice to men

Military Relationship; what do I do?

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Dear Guys,

Earlier this year I got very badly heartbroken when I broke up with a guy who told me he loved me, but then showed me that he didn’t actually know me at all and didn’t care who I was and what I liked—almost as if he was reading a book on how to have a relationship and following the advice in the book without looking at me. Then I felt like I would never find anyone who is truly interested in me rather than the idea they have of me.

But then I met this guy from South America and we started dating. But now I am very confused about the relationship. He and I talked a lot about how we see life and love, and agreed on everything basic; we had wonderful discussions about other things as well— movies, music, etc And if we didn’t agree we had healthy debates. On top of that we did many things together that we both enjoyed and had a really great time, walking around the city for hours just talking til the early morning hours. I was very hesitant in the beginning to really give it a go due to my earlier experiences and at a certain point he told me about a really bad experience he had had, which he thought was holding him back from really getting into the kind of relationship he wanted. He wants to be able to open up and be completely into it with his heart and soul. He said he often does things that prevent this in order to not get hurt again. He also said that he felt we have a real connection and something true and that this doesn’t happen often to him. (Just twice so far.)

However then I did something stupid and told him about it in an even more stupid way—basically blurting it out in a conversation without thinking—that reminded him of his earlier bad experience. He believes me that I didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt him and that it’s not a big deal for anyone except for him but he lost his trust in me a bit and feels uncomfortable because he knows I can hurt him. He also knows that I won’t do this ever again but he needs time to let this bad feeling go.

Unfortunately we don’t have time. He will leave to another country in 2 months and we’ve just been dating for 2.5 months. Although he says we have a true connection he doesn’t want a long-distance-relationship even when I would be happy to follow him at a certain point if everything goes well. He said he wants “real things” in his life and doesn’t want to wait for things to happen anymore. It was hard and tearful and at the end I said that I wish him a happy life and he responded slightly upset that I shouldn’t be saying we wouldn’t see each other again. But I told him that if he leaves to another country it’s not likely we’ll see each other again and I need to forget him.

I really don’t know what to make out of all this. Don’t get me wrong, I know 2.5 months is not long to judge whether or not a relationship will work but I haven’t had a connection with someone like this in a long time and I know he feels the same way. And I would be up for giving the long distance a try nevertheless. (It’s just a 2 hour flight). But he won’t have any of that.

He also forgave me for the stupid thing I did and explained how he felt about it and that if he didn’t care for me he would have just turned his back. Everything he does when he is with me shows me that he really likes me and cares for me but then he says we don’t have a future…. “but I’m not saying ever, maybe in the future – just now we want different things in life.”
I am heartbroken at the moment and I know I have to go on but this whole relationship confused me so much and I don’t know if there is still a chance for us, as his actions and words are so contradictory. I feel this is not clear cut, not a real break-up; it feels unfinished and that drives me mad as I will never know what could have been….

Salome

Dear Salome,

Thank you for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. But you can’t blame yourself entirely. You may have formed a great connection in the 2 1/2 months you were with this guy, but that’s still not enough time to really know who he is. People are complex, and if he’s been hurt before, it’s likely his “baggage” is what’s preventing this relationship from progressing.

It’s unfortunate that your relationship was tested so early on. Timing is always a huge factor in relationships, and it often determines whether or not a relationship will move from the dating stage, to the serious stage, to an actual long term commitment. In your situation—him leaving the country—the timing just isn’t there for you. For you, this doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but for him it is. But it could also just be an easy way for him to make an exit.

This “mistake” you made—you didn’t mention it to us—might be playing a part in his trust issues, but honestly it doesn’t sound like what you did was so bad that he would throw in the towel because of it. Of course we’re sure it didn’t help, but it’s more likely it just added fuel to his existing insecurities and fears about relationships.

We wish we could give you a definitive answer here Salome. But unfortunately we can’t. He seems open to reuniting in the future, but who knows if and when that will happen. The best thing you can do is let yourself be sad for a bit, reflect on what you learned, pick yourself up, and move on.

You sound like a very caring person. There are plenty of guys out there who will be able to appreciate a woman like you.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

He speaks in facts, she in emotions; should I break up or do long distance? 

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

_______________________________

Dear Guys,

I am 25 years old and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been dating for exactly one year, though we had been friends for two years before that. She is my first serious girlfriend. Before her I had only flings. I love her very much and I’m sure she feels the same way. We see each other almost every day; we’re best friend and have complete physical intimacy. In this year we’ve been through some fights. Two of them were pretty serious and we almost broke up. The reasons for these fights were always very silly (for me) and I managed to convince her of that and avoid breaking up. We agreed that the reasons for all of our fights were lame compared to the love we feel for each other and made a pact for being more tolerant and reasonable. Since then we didn’t fight anymore and the relashionship is at its best.

I’m an engineering graduate and currently have an excelent job that pays me well. But the firm I work for is going to be sold in a couple of months and I will have to keep working for them for one more year. After that I will leave the company. I thought this was a good opportunity to accomplish one of my goals in life that is to get a good MBA degree. To do so I will have to go abroad for one year. I would love if she could come with me but she still has two years to complete college.

She overheard my conversation with a friend about my MBA plans and asked me if I intended to go abroad. I told her the truth: yes, I want to go but only in September 2013. That’s a year and a half from now, more than twice the duration of our relationship. I proposed to her that we keep dating during this period and break up only when I leave. From then on we live our lives separately and that includes meeting other people. My intention is to get back together when I come back from the MBA.

She, on the other hand, thinks differently. She said she prefers to break up right now even even though she would suffer a lot since she loves me very much. But when she overcomes the suffering she would be free to find another man and not “waste her time investing in a relationship destined to end.” She doesn’t think we will get back together when I come back nor that she could bear thinking of me dating other girls while I’m away.

I don’t want to break up right now mainly for three reasons:

-       Living in the same city we would bump with each other all the time and know about each other’s lives, making it much harder to forget. If we wait until I go, the distance will make being apart easier.

-       During the period that I’m still here we can have a great time together. We’re talking about one and a half years. Almost twice the time we’ve been together. The bond created in this period will be strong enough to survive the year apart. (I think)

-       I think in my heart that we will get back together when I come back. (I know one year is a long time and I will gain lots of experience and may change my mind. And that’s what she’s afraid of.)

Well, I would be glad if you guys could help me out. Am I missing something? How can I convince her of staying together until I go?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for your question.

How do we say this nicely? Yes, you are missing something. Actually you’re missing everything on this one. And this is a classic example of the different ways men and women think.

You’re giving her facts and she wants emotions. She wants you to tell her that you love her so much that you’ll do anything to make it work, even if you have to go away for a year. She wants you to reassure her that nothing will come between the two of you, even if you’re far away. She wants you to be strong and tell her it’s all going to work out. (Sure, ultimately she doesn’t want you to go, but she might come around if you sang a different tune with her.)

But you’re not doing any of that. You’re treating the relationship like it’s a business. This is what she’s hearing from you: “In a year and a half, we’ll dissolve the company and split the earnings 50/50, and then maybe we’ll put the company back together when I get back.” So why would she want to stick around, knowing that in the near future the two of you will be breaking up? Women don’t work that way.

From your point of view, you see only benefits from having this sort of arrangement. And we understand. Having a wonderful woman to hang out with, go on dates with, and have sex with is a great thing. And when you combine that with a fulfilling career it’s a great combination. But once again, she doesn’t give a (blank) about any of that.

But having said all of this Thomas we do understand where you’re coming from. It seems like you might really love this woman but you just want to be 100% sure. And you don’t want to give up your career aspirations quite yet in order to have her. And guess what? We totally get it. You’re young, and it’s okay to put your needs first, and frankly you probably should, because if you’re feeling this strongly about pursuing school and furthering your career, you’ll probably be quite resentful later in life if your plans were to be derailed by this relationship. And the fact that she’s your first serious girlfriend makes us think you’d like to explore more in that department as well.

But it all comes down to timing doesn’t it? When people say “love conquers all” they are forgetting to factor in the all important “timing” variable. And this is what we’re seeing here. The timing is a bit off. But unfortunately Thomas you can’t have it both ways. She’s probably isn’t going to want to wait around while you figure this all out. (Although see below for the one caveat.) So you either need to stay with her, and see if you can give a long distance relationship a chance, or break up. (And please don’t make promises to do a long distance relationship but then break up with her just as you’re leaving. That would only perpetuate some women’s perceptions that guys are not to be trusted, which is not true.)

So Thomas, please stop treating this like a business decision and really start having some heartfelt conversations with the woman you love. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. (Our caveat) If you’re honest, and treat her with respect and love, even if you do break up now, and you go away for awhile, it’s likely if she’s still single, her heart will still be open to you. However, if you continue treating her like she’s a business partner you won’t ever have another chance with her.

We wish you the best in figuring all of this out. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. And what you ultimately end up doing. Keep us posted. We’ll respond in the comments section as well.

(And readers: Please comment as well. We love a great discussion!)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

Not over his ex; should I leave now, or give it a chance? 

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Online Dating Part 2: How to write a great written online profile (Before and After Version)

Online Dating Part 3: How to write a great written online profile  (Second example of BEFORE and AFTER version)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

________________________

Dear Guys,

I’m 38, own a home, a successful business, and was married five years to an abusive man. It’s been six yrs now, I’ve moved and restarted a great life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. Over the years I see I’m drawn to attractive, adventurous, man-boys and have feared the men who want something more. The hot young ones boost my ego and have been “safe” as they usually don’t want much more then sex.

But I’ve done a lot to heal and recognize all this and now I want a more serious relationship. I had one the past two years but he left me eight months ago and I was very hurt but knew it was right and I deserved more and didn’t want to be with another big drinker who couldn’t control his habits.

A few months after the breakup I met a great 31 yr old guy. Hot, adventurous and interested. We gradually kept in touch over a few weeks and met up one evening at some hot springs and had a hot, amazing few nights together. Over the rest of the summer we’d spend a few nights a week together but I knew he would be leaving for six months in the fall. Mid-winter he was hurt and came back.

He has six weeks here and I allowed him to stay with me until he leaves again for two months, then he will be back for the summer for work. He talks about loving where we live and getting a permanent vs seasonal job. So we’re playing house mates, having a ton of sex and it’s been great. Then the fool used my computer in my house to communicate with his ex. I realized they talk often, every day or so and while he will be gone after leaving here he will be meeting up with her in Thailand. It’s definitely not just as friends, he’s clearly not over her. They’ve been broken up for two years and he told me it was hurtful. (He moved for her and it ended badly, etc.) He said he was going on his trip alone and I know he lied. We are getting to know each other, haven’t talked about anything with us and I did read him telling her he didn’t want anything serious with her. It was hard to read it all. And when I saw he forgot to log out of their very long instant message that he sent to her while I was at work, my heart sank.

I’m quite mature and really do get it. He’s having a great time with me and doesn’t want to blow it by telling me about her. We said goodbye in the fall, I was with someone else too, but now he’s back and he came to me. It’s clear he and his ex have stuff to work out and perhaps need closure or want another try at it.

My question is…what should I do? Run like Hell or give him time to figure out why they’re still connected and heal or see if they get back together and just keep dating myself? I just don’t want to be the fool, be used, be lied to, etc. The age difference is a factor and this situation proves it to me. He’s not mature enough to see that their disaster of a past will probably never work but they both are still locked together. They joke about other people but I see through that and doesn’t sounds like either has really moved on in the past two years. He’s super nice but does have a big ego and I’m sure is crushed inside that he failed at something, his first real love. They only dated a year but that can still be significant when it’s the only big experience.

Bottom line…give him a chance or not? I know he’s not prepared to tell me the truth about her (she lives across the country) and I know he wants to be here for work. He’s got his dream job and wants to stay. I know he wouldn’t leave for her and I think he actually said something to that degree in their giant message. (Can’t believe I read it. I felt badly but I’m so glad I did so I’m not completely in the dark about all of this. Nor did I tell him about the other person I spent time with.)

I actually realized after this time with someone else I really liked, that I liked him more and that’s why I invited him to stay with me. I was so curious about us having a chance to come back together so soon after thinking I wouldn’t see him for six months. My BFF thinks he really likes me, I told her the story about the ex thinking she’d tell me to end it immediately but she still thinks he’s worth having fun with and getting to know more. But it’s not her heart on the line…

Francine

Dear Francine,

Thanks for your question.

We happen to agree with your friend. You’re going to regret it if you don’t see this all the way through.

As you know, life is complicated and people come with baggage. Dating in your 20s is different than dating in your 30s, and so on, because as people age they acquire more and more baggage. But they also acquire more experience, and in turn are often more interesting.

It seems the two of you are both being a bit evasive. He’s still involved with his ex, and you are seeing other people. And neither of you knows about the other’s activities. (Okay, you do, but only because you did it without his knowledge.) We understand that you’re not really in an exclusive relationship, but in order to take this to the next level you both need to come clean about what you’re up to and honest about how you feel about the other person.

You’re right when you say, he still needs to find closure with his ex. Sometimes people go back and forth for years and years before they finally make the split. Many times it takes a new person to jumpstart this final parting. It sounds like you might actually be the person that will make him finally realize that he has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. And that he actually could have the kind of relationship he really wants to have with you.

But the two of you need to really start talking to one another. You specifically need to let your guard down and tell him how you truly feel. Seeing other people is just a way of protecting yourself. It’s not fun to be vulnerable, but in order to see this through, you might have to let yourself be just that.

We hope it works out for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Booty call or relationship trouble?

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Scroll Down for Online Dating Part 2 and Part 1

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More Videos to Watch:

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Video Script: 

Here is another profile we rewrote.

This is what we were sent.

Before:  

I love tennis. I try and play tennis 4 days a week and I’m looking for someone who is athletic and able to keep up. Other than tennis, I like reading, going for walks, good conversation and movies. I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren so the person I’m looking for must appreciate kids. It would be nice if you had kids yourself so we would have something to share. I have a good sense of humor and expect the same from the person I’m dating. I don’t like talking about the weather. I like to have meaningful conversations. I’m ultimately looking for a good partner who is young at heart and open to exploring new things.

After: (Our rewrite)

The two things I love doing the most are playing tennis and spending time with my grandchildren, and not necessarily in that order. Otherwise I would describe myself as a contrast in styles.

Smart humor engages me, but not at the expense of others.
I’m shy, but love to debate.
I can still run hard, but prefer a nice walk with a friend.
I have my own interests, but family is most important.
I’m a person of action, but love to read about other people’s lives.
Routines are great, but spontaneity appeals to me as well.
Small talk is not my thing, but mainly because the world is too interesting to talk about the weather.

So if this speaks to you, I would love to have a conversation with you. I only ask a few things: that you’re young at heart, curious, and still open to exploration. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you were a tennis player with a sense of humor!

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will ask for your advice.

So about three years ago I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are both 29.)

It went on for a few months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to act cool and moved away.

When I moved back I texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and started hooking up together again.

He kept asking me to hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).

Over Christmas a friend of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and catch up soon and that I missed him.

We have remained friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.

We both lead crazy busy lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA with. Is this even possible?

This weekend he texted me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical “we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.

I know we will be at the same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.

If I do contact him when and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I want the same page. How do I get there?

Dealing with Crazy Guys

Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,

Thanks for your question.

On the one hand you say you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had before. So which is it?

It seems that you’re really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore what a relationship might feel like with the other person?

It seems to us if you could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.

Women often say, “Once a player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s 29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?

We think you need to go on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because this will only serve to confuse you more.

We think you should give this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)

Keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Is he too into me?

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile (Also Part 2: Writing a profile description)

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

And more….

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

______________________________

Dear Guys,

So I met an amazing guy. He is intelligent, funny, outdoorsy, in a band, all the things a girl could want. We met through mutual friends about two months ago and hit if off immediately. We stayed up the whole night going on randmon spontaneous adventures and ended up cuddling by the end.

Since then we have been seeing each other. (We have not talked about being exclusive). The dates have been great, creative, stimulating and I feel overall very comfortable with him and like him a lot. I fell asleep one night at his place early on, and since then we have been spending the night at each other’s places multiple times per week. We have fooled around but have not had sex yet.

Anyways, I am afraid maybe he is too into me and it makes me uncomfortable. He is a super energetic, friendly person so it his hard to tell if he is just his enthusiastic personality. I happen to know through friends that he liked me so much he was freaking out about what to do when he asked me out and he told everyone (friends, family) all about me right away. He left his pillow at my house— since I don’t sleep with one—and texts me everyday with random things and to see how I am. I have casually met his family, and when my parents were out of town for the holidays he invited me to his place. (I did not go, becuase it seemed too soon). He did get me a simple and thoughtful Christmas gift. He invited me to things a month in advance when we first started dating. He gives me space if I am busy or out with friends, and he certainly has his own busy life, but he wants to know everything about me, and I cannot shake the feeling that it is too intense. I have never really been in a relationship, so maybe it is just me?

Kaitlin

Dear Kaitlin,

Thanks for your question.

So you need to ask yourself why this bothers you? Is it because in your heart of hearts you’re not sure you feel the same way about him? Or maybe you are a bit more cautious person and like to take things slowly? But from what you describe he sounds like a wonderful guy—the kind of person that everyone is looking for.

However, Kaitlin, just because he does so many wonderful things doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you. Love is a mystery. Sometimes we meet incredible people that we feel we should love, but there’s just no spark. Sometimes we get pressure from family and friends because they think a person is perfect for us, but for some reason they’re not. You are the only one who really knows how you feel.

Having said that, if it’s just your inexperience talking, or some other fear, maybe you can’t see the situation clearly. Maybe his intensity is clouding your perception of him. Here are the positive we see in him.

1. He is interested in everything about you. More than just sex.

2. He’s a solid communicator. Responsible. Follows through.

3. Positive person. Upbeat.

4. Independent person. Has his own life and gives you space.

5. Really cares about you.

6. Probably much more.

Kaitlin, believe it or not, guys are no different than girls when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we really like we get giddy, nervous, anxious, excited, silly, and yes, we even freak out. We ask our friends what to do, even though we know they won’t be much help. We try to figure out the best strategy to get the girl to go out on a date with us. Then we over plan and over think the first date. It’s quite amusing actually. But all of these intense feelings actually are good. Ask yourself: Do you really want to date a guy who just wants to hang out, watch movies, order Chinese, and then have sex? Do you really want a guy who tries to be Mr. Cool? Do you really want a guy who doesn’t call when he says he’s going to? And a guy who doesn’t want to know anything about you except your bra size? Think about it.

But we’ll finish our answer by coming back to what we said initially. It doesn’t matter how wonderful someone is on paper, you still need to feel those butterflies in your stomach. It’s up to you to figure that out. Just don’t let fear get in your way. He does sound like a solid guy. And be happy that he’s way into you. It’s so much better than the alternative.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question, and definitely keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.

Readers, please give your opinions as well!

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Use Paypal button on right)

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Three questions for guys: Dating my best friend’s boyfriend, Bumps on my butt, Dating an older guy?

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you. 

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description:

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

Online Dating Part 1: How to set up a flattering and successful online dating profile

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with Conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Today we will be answering three short questions.

Question 1: 

Dear Guys,

I’m 15 and have been talking to a guy for awhile and we’ve both realized that we have romantic feelings for each other and that we would like to date. But he’s 18 so that’s not exactly possible yet.

He asked me to classify our relationship, so I said friends. This resulted in him saying that he felt like an idiot. Then he became depressed and distant for a few days. It’s clear that we can’t actually be together yet so I don’t know how else I would classify our relationship, or how to continue forward without getting overly involved for my age. How do I deal with the possibility of either of us getting involved with someone else and the jealousy involved in that?

Advice please?

Amber

Dear Amber,

Thanks for your question. It’s nice to see that you have a good head on your shoulders.

You’re right. The two of you should only be friends right now, until you’re of age. At that point a three year difference won’t be that big of a deal, although there’s still quite a divide between a freshman in college and a senior, but nothing like a freshman in high school and a senior in high school.

So what do you do until then?

What’s going to happen is—if he’s anything like the young guys around here—he’s going to start to pressure you subtly to start dating, or even to have a physical relationship with him. This doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy, it just means he’s a young man and he’s attracted to you. But this is not a good idea for you; if this does happen you need to set clear boundaries. Remember, guys aren’t so interested in being friends with women they would really rather date. Have you seen “Harry met Sally?” It’s an oldie but goodie, with a classic conversation at a restaurant about this topic.

We’d say the only thing you should do is keep in touch casually on Facebook, Twitter, or email. Just keep on each other’s radar. (We know that’s going to be hard.) But we wouldn’t get into phone calls, texting, etc. That’s going to be too intimate.

Believe us, even though he might start dating another girl, you’ll always be on his radar. We’re not saying he won’t fall in love with someone else in the meantime, but whenever he’s single again you’ll be the first person he thinks of.

Finally, we think you should do all the things a 15 year-old girl does now, and not wait around for this guy. However, if sometime down the road (years), the spark is still there, well then you’ll be better equipped to deal with an older guy.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Question 2:

Dear Guys,

My BFF has a boyfriend named (anonymous). He is soo sweet and they have been dating a while. But he confessed his love for me today, but said he loves my BFF too.

To be honest I like him too. But I also don’t wanna hurt my friend’s feelings.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Thanks for your question.

What do you do? You do nothing. Your best friend comes first. Even after they break up you should stay away from this guy. Otherwise you’ll be faced with a decision: Date this boy or have your best friend.

Also keep in mind that you’re young. And even if you decided to date this boy, it’s likely you’d break up soon after. Then you’d be left with neither this boy or you best friend.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

pss. As per your other question: Progressing your relationship in a nonsexual way? That seems like a covert way of saying your boyfriend wants to by physical with you without actually defining it as sex.

Question 3: 

Hi Guys,

My guy really wants to do it doggie style, and so do I, but I have a bit of keratosis pilaris (bumps)  (for our readers) on my butt and I don’t really want him staring at that.

Do you think this is going to be a huge turn off for him or am I overreacting?

Thanks!

Cait xx

Dear Cait,

Thanks for your question. Let’s put it this way, we don’t know a lot of guys that would care.

Is your guy a sensitive person? Could you talk to him about this? (You don’t mention your age so we don’t have a sense of how serious your relationship is. We’re assuming you’re old enough to have sex and so you’re in a committed relationship.) Anyway, if he loves you he definitely won’t care. And believe us, if he’s been anticipating this for a while, a few bumps on your butt will be the last thing on his mind. In fact, during your session, his mind will be on hiatus anyway. (And his vision will be blurry.)

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Please share our videos with your friends. Subscribe to our  You Tube Channel!  Thanks.

More Videos to Watch:

Also watch Online Dating Part 2 and Part 3

Dating Older Men

Listen to your friends

Getting Played – Trust your Gut

Dating a Younger Guy

Guys are comfortable with conflict

Also, join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz (We’re somewhat new there, so spread the word to your friends as well. Thanks!)

Finally: We’re looking for Women Writers! Visit our Women Speak page to find out how to submit your work.

Script of Video:

Online dating began long before computers. It began at a time when the printed word ruled the media landscape, where a cloud meant rain and the net was a tool used to catch things. But back then online dating was called: The Personal Ads.

The personals were mostly found in an isolated back section of the newspaper clearly demarcated from the paper’s more journalistic endeavors. The personals WERE used by a few brave souls, but were mostly fodder for humorous discussion with friends at a bar, wondering aloud who these brave souls were, and why they were desperate enough to respond to a personal ad, or even worse, post one themselves.

However, the concept of the personal ad was solid, and with the advent of the net, Online Dating was created to replace the awkward experience of the personals. Today Online dating is universally accepted, used by millions of people worldwide, all hoping to find what they are looking for: Some sort of connection. However, not everyone has a successful experience with online dating.

Some blame surely belongs to the actual institution. And there will always be stalkers and predators manipulating and taking advantage of the system for their own gains. But part of the problem clearly lies with the normal every day user.

Too many people quickly throw together a profile that doesn’t help their cause. The pictures aren’t flattering, the description is flat, and the whole composite is poorly constructed. The key is to differentiate yourself. This is your dating resume. This is your one chance to pique someone’s interest. You gotta really go for it!

Here are some tips to help you set up a profile that will attract those paramours you so desire.

Step 1: It’s all about the photo. And by photo we mean just you. Not you with your dog, or pet gerbil, or even your kids. Your profile picture needs to give people a sense of you. For the guys out there, it’s not a bad idea to shave and put on a clean shirt. No hats, and definitely not sunglasses. For the ladies, find a picture that represents you in a flattering light. Sexy is okay, but even better, something demure that suggests that what’s underneath is sexy. And please be honest! Don’t put up a photo of you twenty years ago. Remember, the goal is to move beyond the screen to an actual Face-to-Face. At some point you will meet this other person. And if you look different from your online picture that clearly sends a message that you can’t be trusted. Not a great start.

One final note: Make sure the picture is actually you. 

Step 2: Write a fun, unique description. This is very difficult for most people. It’s hard to say great things about yourself without sounding conceited. But this is the second most important piece of the profile.

Here are some tips for writing a great description: 

Stay Positive- Don’t say all things you don’t want about a person. Describe what you DO want in a partner. (Check out our videos on How to write a great profile. Part 2 and Part 3 of our Online Dating series.)

Create a Personality- Be you. Be unique. We want to know about you specifically. Don’t make it generic.

Make it fun- No one wants to date a stiff.

Be inviting- This means, just make it easy for someone to want to contact you. Don’t scare them away!

Make it Short -Be as economical as you can. We want to know about you quickly. If we like what we read we’ll want the longer version later!

Don’t give more info than is needed. If you don’t really care about religion or politics, then don’t list your religion or political party. Remember, it’s all about being inviting, so why limit your potential suitors?

Check out Part 2 and 3 of our online dating series. Coming this week!

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Wooing at a distance

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

So long distance relationships are hard. I know that. What I’m asking about is something even harder— that is, trying to pique an interest from someone who you live far away from. I’m prepared to do what it takes, and I’m committed to going through with this, but I could do with some advice on how to approach the situation.

OK, some background: This girl was a childhood friend of mine, but about a decade ago she moved interstate. Strange as it may sound, from missing her then, I developed feelings for her.

Three years ago, I got to see her again, when we visited her family—we were family friends before they moved—and this confirmed how I felt. We got along well, and ended up staying in touch, though not all that frequently, as she’s a busy person. Anyway, telling her how I felt seemed premature—I figured it would make her uncomortable and only make things worse— so I tried to concentrate on becoming closer as friends and improving communication first. I had written a letter about this to send to her when I found out she now had a boyfriend.

That was just over a year ago, and I didn’t end up sending that letter. Anyway, it may not have been a good idea, but I told her I had feelings for her, and that I realized nothing could come of them given those circumstances but after being afraid of how she might react I realized I just wanted her to know. She actually reacted quite graciously, saying she appreciated my honesty and that she was more than happy to pursue a relationship as friends. Anyway, that went quite well, considering.

Almost two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend; on good terms(relatively speaking) from what I can tell. I waited a month, then told her that I was sorry she had to go through that and let her know that I was still interested, though I just wanted to be friends for the time being. She replied two weeks later, shortly after I asked whether she was busy or if something was wrong, as I’d tried to talk to her when I saw her online. She’d just been really busy, and said she wasn’t interested in entering a relationship for a long time. I apologized for any misconceptions and assured her that I was more than happy to just be friends for however long she needed, but that didn’t mean I was giving up on her.

This was almost a month ago, and she hasn’t replied since, which is starting to seem a bit long, even considering her busy life. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait a while longer, and in another month’s time I’ll message her if she still hasn’t replied. I expect you Guys will have had the time to answer this by then, and any advice on what I should and/or shouldn’t say is welcome. I’d also like to have an idea of how to continue from there: if at all possible. Any suggestions of a way I can get closer to her without crossing boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Zac

Dear Zac,

Thanks for your question.

Consistent communication from both parties is the key to a successful long distance relationship. But issues often arise because every person is different when it comes to how this actually “looks.” One person might need to talk every day to feel secure and connected, while the other person only wants to talk once a week. This usually causes one person to be upset and the other annoyed. From there, cracks start to appear in the foundation of the relationship, then insecurities grow, doubt looms and then a break up. Unless of course both people are very committed to making it work.

But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

From your note one question keeps jumping out at us. Are you sure this woman is interested in you romantically? Based on her sporadic communication, excuses about being busy, and her declaration that she is open to being friends with you, this doesn’t seem like a woman who wants a romantic relationship. What do you think?

To us this seems like your biggest challenge. Because it is possible to woo someone long distance as long as they are interested in some way. If this woman only sees you as a friend, it won’t matter what you do; your advances will fall flat and only make things more and more uncomfortable between the two of you.

Zac, we do believe in going for what you want. And we encourage you to try. But we’re not getting a solid vibe from her. (At least from what you say.) But if you really would like to explore this you need to be direct with her. Sending her gifts, or trying to be funny on some social networking site, or showing her how creative you are by writing a song or making a movie or whatever, is only going to creep her out, especially if she’s unsure about you.

Of course you don’t want to scare her away and tell her you love her either. We think the only way you’re going to be able to woo her is if you actually get together with her first, to remind her how cool of a guy you are. Because right now she’s not viewing you as a potential boyfriend, but more of a family friend.

So is there a way you could just be passing through her town? Or take a trip with a buddy—not your parents—and visit? Or is there a concert or some other event that could give you an excuse to not only visit where she lives, but invite her to as well?

We think this situation needs a jumpstart, and the best way to do that is face-to-face. If that goes well, then you’ll be able to figure out the long distance piece because she’ll then be open to it.

Leave us a comment and/or follow up question in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And let us know how this plays out. We hope it works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

Readers,

Below is a preview of “Women Speak.” If you’re a women writer, visit our “Women Speak” page to learn how to submit your work.

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dating in my 20s as a single mother

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Should I start an affair?

For the past week, my boyfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some girl that he says is just a friend. He gets off work around midnight and from midnight until about 2am they are texting back and forth. He says she’s much younger and having issues with a guy after having sex with him.

I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When he got in the shower, I checked his messages and saw her asking where he was and if they were meeting at the usual place. Before getting in the shower he replied, “Sweetie, are you there?” She began calling.

I was so pissed I confronted him and confessed to looking through his phone. He was calm the entire time and kept shaving.  I asked him why he would keep leading me on if he was in love with someone else?  He said, “You don’t know what you are talking about and you are thinking too much.” I pushed and asked if he lied to me about visiting his mom in the hospital. He got pissed and told me, “Fine. I’ll leave. I’m not coming back.” I went in the bedroom and slammed the door. I came back out and grabbed his phone threatening to call her. He snatched the phone from me and said, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

I was defeated at this point and since I was taking a trip out of town in a few days I decided to focus my energy on preparing. I went to dinner with a male friend of mine and came home pretty tipsy and I thought I beat him home, but I didn’t.  He was standing outside and his face was red and he had been crying pretty hard. I walked up and he said, “I’m so sorry. I was so worried.”

When we got in the apartment, he held me and put his head in my lap. I tried consoling him, but I felt betrayed. Even during the night he cried in his sleep. I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed him by looking through his phone, but I found what I found. Were his tears an admission of guilt?  I truly love him. I don’t know if this is grounds for a break up or if there’s a way to fix it?

Eve

Dear Eve,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.

Curiosity is what drives people to snoop through their hosts’ medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what drives people to snoop through their partner’s phone. We totally understand why you went through his phone, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. But we hardly call that a betrayal. Yes, maybe a breach of trust, but not a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that he’s been doing “something” behind your back.

We interpret his tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because he’s scared that you’ll break up with him. They could also be tears of sadness because although he cares for you, he ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.

Is his betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you Eve.

Some questions you have to ask yourself:

Do I believe his story?

Can I trust him again?

Do I believe he won’t do this again?

Does he truly love me in the way I want to be loved?

What drove him to do this, and is that particular thing something that can be addressed?

What kind of man do I want to be in a relationship with?

Am I able to forgive him and move past this?

Eve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less, and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your boyfriend. We would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)

Good luck. Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Dating as a single mother in my 20s by Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Guys,

I am in a long term relationship but have a very serious attraction to a guy in my office. He is also in a long term relationship.  I think he has some interest in me as well, but he is the smart/shy type, so it is difficult to tell how far he is willing to take it.  I don’t want to end my relationship or his, but a short lived fling sounds kind of fun.

How do I get him to move on this or is it just a bad idea all together?

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Thanks for your question.

If you’re asking for our “permission” to cheat then the answer is a definitive NO. And maybe that’s exactly what you were hoping we’d say, otherwise there’d be no reason to consult our opinion.

Your interest in this other guy more likely stems from something missing in your current relationship, rather than how amazing he is. So before you move ahead with something you’ll regret, why don’t you take a hard look at what’s going on between you and your boyfriend? Is there a lack of communication between the two of you? A lack of affection? Are you not on the same page with some important issues? Are you putting in more time than he is? Is the distance too much? Maybe you’ve fallen out of love with him? What is it? It’s critical you get to the bottom of what is really going on for you.

On the flip side, we understand that a short fling SOUNDS fun. But it’s fantasy. And honestly, that’s where it needs to stay. Keep your attraction in your mind. (There’s a lot you can do with it right there.) Once you move the fantasy to the real world only trouble will ensue. That’s when people’s lives are altered forever.

If you find that you can’t stop yourself from pursuing this other man, at least deal with your current situation first, and then proceed forward. You’ll be glad you did; and your boyfriend will appreciate your honesty, even though he’ll be sad, and possibly angry about the breakup. (It’s much better than you cheating on him.)

And finally we’re wondering what kind of guy this co-worker is who might consider cheating on his partner? (Of course you don’t know if that’s true or not, so we’re speculating.) Maybe in the fantasy world that doesn’t matter, but it very much does in this one.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

This beautiful and honest piece was received as a comment to a recent relationship question/answer on our “Ask the Guys” page. The post was entitled, “Dating in my 20s as a single mother.”  Also, read, “Will guys date single mothers?” for more information.

Thank you Sabrina for sharing your experiences.

THE GUYS

Dating in my 20s as a single mother  by Sabrina

I can offer up the firsthand view and experience of dating in single motherhood…

I wanted to get married and start a family at a young age, and I did just that; less than a week after turning 18 I married my high school boyfriend of eight months. Almost two years into our marriage, I gave birth to our daughter, and by the time she was two and a half and just shy of our 4 year anniversary, we were divorced. Like Paul and The Guys above state, I was looking to fill a void. Not by having my daughter, but by having the whole ‘happy and complete’ family fantasy that I never had growing up. Of course it’s taken me many years to honestly see and admit that fact.

My dad wasn’t around like he should have been because he was military, and he was busy with other women behind my mothers’ back for the 17 years they were married. I love my dad, we are better now than we were when I was a kid, but he wasn’t the shining male example I should have had and it has caused me to fall for and accept men of similar, bad treatment towards the women they claim to love.

When I decided I deserved someone who truly wanted to be a husband and proper example of a man, I asked my husband for a divorce even though the worry crossed my mind about being so young and a single parent that no one would want the ‘baggage’ I would be carrying when dating again. I decided though that I would rather be happy and back on my own and most likely single for some time to come, than in a marriage that would never work. My advice is this;

As a single mother, the few men I have dated over the 5+ years I’ve been single now have been losers. The first I dated was very brief, only a couple months. He lied, met women behind my back, begged for a loan that he promised he’d pay back, and then took that loan and flew back to his hometown of Vegas.

After him, I ended up in an abusive relationship for four years with someone younger (you can never know the difficulty of leaving something as such until you experience it yourself, believe you me). When my daughter grew to an age where she could truly comprehend the difference between good and bad treatment, I finally got the courage to leave and set the example for my daughter —he was very good to her, but horrid to me—I booted him for good. It was one of the most difficult things to have her understand when he had been involved with us for so long; but when I was able to tell her and show her that when you love someone you are not cruel and unkind, she understood.

I have been so used to being with a man that I jumped from that relationship right into another who honestly DID seem to be what I had been missing. He professed love for my daughter and we integrated our lives quickly; I was convinced I had finally met ‘The One.’ We were together almost a year when last November he left me for his high school flame whom he never dated but always wondered ‘what if’ about when she relocated back over from Eastern Washington. My daughter and I were crushed. She’s almost 8, and damn it, I’m almost 30 and I’m tired of the games men keep playing. And that last one was even 30, so some men aren’t even mature and ready by their 30′s! It’s literally luck and chance of meeting the right person who means what they say and will forever stick around.

I’ve been refraining from dating until a new year since my ex left, and I’ve been surprisingly happy with the break. 20 is so young, and really, you are going to change so much over the next decade. I’m 27 and amazed at how my taste and desires have manifested over the years, and it’s taken all of my experiences to get it. Being a single mother is a rough road and being so young can make it feel like the end of the world and you’ll always be alone. But here’s the thing; you won’t. There are men who will be involved with a single mother, but unfortunately, a great deal of them will be wrong for you. You have to take your time with everything and approach relationships far more slowly and carefully now that you are one plus a little one. It’s going to feel like an eternity, and you’re going to feel lonely A LOT. But when the right man eventually makes his way into your life, the patience will all have been worth it.

Focus on you, living an amazing life, and be a shining example of a strong independent woman for your daughter. Mine asked me the other day if this year I was going to have a boyfriend. I giggled and looked at her with a grin on my face and said, ”Maybe, anything can happen. But you know what, if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t, then that’s okay too. When I’m supposed to be with the right person, it will happen, but right now, I’m very happy with how things are.” And I meant every word. Her response, “Right Mom, we are happy together!” I feel wonderful knowing my daughter is seeing and feeling such positiveness from my choices. Love/Relationships/Dating/Marriage is just a piece of the lives we live and lead, don’t let it be your all consuming focus. What’s meant to happen, will. Don’t give up hope, be strong, and know that good things come to those who deserve it :]

Sabrina

Some recent questions for THE GUYS:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Today’s question piggybacks on a previous question: Will guys date single moms?  Please read that post for more information about dating with kids. Or dating someone who has kids. Also read a personal account, “Dating as a single mother in my 20s.”

Please use the form on the “Ask the Guys” page to leave us a question.

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

I’m 20 and I have a little girl on the way—my first child. I was engaged to the dad for a year and he promised me the family I have always dreamed of. We planned our little one and he left me for another girl three months after we found out I was pregnant. Now I’m worried there won’t be any men in their 20s to date that are okay with me being a single mother. I believe in love and want a healthy relationship around my daughter. I don’t though want to be bouncing from guy to guy with her involved or be living like a nun until I get older when men are more ready to commit.

I would be more than okay with starting a bigger family with my husband in the future, but will I even be given that chance in my 20s? Is it just a waiting game until guys mature or is there hope to still settling down?

Ashley

Dear Ashley, 

Thanks for your question.

There’s always hope. However, most guys aren’t ready to settle down in their early twenties. They’re busy pursuing careers, women and fun. But most of all they’re peeling away the layers of childhood, trying to discover the kind of man they want to be. This process can take years and years, and that’s why many men aren’t ready for a commitment in their twenties. They are focused on finding themselves as they vie for position and rank in this competitive world.

The father of your child exemplifies why men get a bad rap. He was interested enough in you and the relationship when he was getting what he wanted or when it was all talk, but when the consequences—albeit wonderful, your daughter—of his actions emerged he couldn’t deal with the situation and left. We can see how this would leave a bad taste in your mouth, and make you skeptical and concerned about all guys in their twenties, but don’t let him “speak” for all men. We’re not all like that.

Your instincts are good Ashley. You certainly don’t want to be bouncing from guy to guy, especially with a child in tow. While dating different men is fine, we would recommend keeping your dating life and home life as separate as possible until you are fairly confident the guy you’re dating is in it  for the long haul. Which means, you might not want to have men stay over too often, especially as your child gets old enough to know. (And believe us, if she is old enough to see, she will be old enough to understand on some level what’s going on. And ultimately be confused.)

It’s always best for any child to have consistent people in their lives, male and female. Ideally you will have an amicable enough relationship with your ex so he can be involved. However, if that’s not possible, hopefully someone will step up to the plate. Perhaps a brother? Or your father? That is until you are involved with someone you love and respect.

And that brings us to your question. You read the previous post and our answer, so you understand that any time you add another “difference” to the dating equation things can get more complicated because there is just that much more to sort through. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ever work out. It just means BOTH people have to be VERY committed to making the relationship work.

Examples of differences: 

Age: People dating someone much older or younger. (Watch our videos on the topic)

Race/Ethnicity: People from different cultures, countries, backgrounds. Read previous post: Why is he hiding our relationship?

Religion: People raised with different beliefs.

Marital Status: Divorced people dating single people.

Parental Status: People with kids dating people without kids.

Dating and relationships are complicated enough without adding more factors into the equation. Figuring out if you want to be with someone for a lifetime is a big decision. But when people truly love each other, most of the time they will try and work through whatever is dealt to them. And sometimes these “extra ingredients” are actually time savers. They often weed away quickly, the people who shouldn’t even be there.

Ashley, your first priority will be your child, and you certainly don’t want to waste your time with guys who don’t get it. So your child will help you cut through the BS. Life is full of surprises. We’re sure there’s some young guy out there who will be more than happy to welcome you and your child into his life.

But you’ll only meet that person by getting out there yourself. Finish school. Or start school. Take some classes that interest you. Join a book group. Say yes to invitations. Get a job doing something interesting. (If possible) Elicit the help of your friends and family—you’ll need support with daycare, etc. and emotional support—so you can move forward with your own interests and goals. And by doing all of that, it’s more likely you will meet some great person who shares many of the same interests and values that you do.

Good luck. Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. Or a follow up question. We’ll respond here as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some other questions for THE GUYS:

My boyfriend is on dating sites; is he cheating?

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

THE GUYS

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

Why does he have a secret Facebook page?

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?

Kacey

Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

From a guy’s perspective; is my marriage over?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Does future career always trump future relationship?

Hey Guys,

I’ve started randomly talking to this guy that I met on the net. The contact began back in 2009. He found my profile on MySpace. He enjoyed reading the blogs that I had written about my traveling experiences and decided to send me messages. We had had some distant back and forth messaging. He was pretty persistent (on a friendly note), but nothing more came out of it. One, I was kind of passive and wasn’t really interested, and two, since the development of Facebook I was hardly logged into MySpace. So the communication died off.

Fastforward to 2010….I get a random e-mail notification from MySpace that he had sent me an email. He was basically just checking in to see how I was doing, and if I was interested in talking with him sometime. Out of curiosity, I had added him onto Facebook, but again, I was still giving him the cold shoulder. He would drop me a note here and there….but nothing really came out of it.

Now, onward to about two weeks ago. He sent me a random IM one day asking how I was doing. From there I stopped being a Little Miss-Priss and started chatting with him. And thank goodness I did. He and I have been talking non-stop since then…every single evening until the wee hours of the morning. From everything to our interests, daily lives…experiences…etc. So far we have a lot of common interests and he has a great personality. I guess we’ve developed a really easy connection. He sends me text messages every now and then asking about my day and the like. And we’ve also talked on the phone and via cam. Now it is apparent that we find each other both physically and emotionally attractive. But here’s my problem.

I have been in a downhill live-in relationship for the last couple of years and am in the processes of splitting up. My new “friend” is aware—I told him that I was in a relationship when we had begun chatting—of this and has not made any advances towards me in a romantic sort of way. Everything has been pretty innocent—minus some flirting here and there—but we have both been truthful about our situations and what it is that we want. Right now we are just equally keen on getting to know each other.

At first, there were some talks about meeting each other, perhaps in his city or mine. (We live about 4-5 hours away from each other.) And I really wanted to meet him. At first, I was stuck—and still am—in a predicament where I was worried about the current status of my relationship and how I would be able to get away to see my new “friend.” I didn’t want to cause myself any drama or complications with my boyfriend, but it seems as though with my recent actions I did.

I wound up lying to my boyfriend to see this guy for a 3-day weekend. Everything went great. We connected and everything.  But I wound up being intimate with him. I came back home and am in the process of finalizing my current relationship. I feel awful about the situation, with me needing to lie to my ex about the whole situation.

But now I’m starting to look at this new guy suspiciously since I’m unsure of what his intentions are. He has been overseas for work these last couple of weeks and will be returning next week. He has been contacting me via Facebook/chat and has stated that he wants to meet again. When I asked him point blank about what was going on between us, and if it is purely physical, he stated that he is attracted to me both physically/intellectually and wants to know me better.

I don’t know what’s going on. If he wants just a sexual relationship why doesn’t he come out and say it?

More information:

Anna

Dear Anna,

Thanks for your question.

This second Facebook page makes us feel a bit uneasy. It sounds like you feel the same way.

Since you’ve already gotten together with this guy we see no reason why you can’t speak to him directly about your feelings and concerns. There are no rules here. The appropriate time is now. In fact we encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. You’ll get a lot of information based on his reaction to your question. We expect he’ll try to smooth talk you through it, and spin the same line about wanting to get you know better. He seems too smart to get defensive about it. Either way, please trust your gut. (Check out our video on this topic. On video page.) In general this feels a lot like the headline: “Guy meets great woman online but continues to troll dating sites for new talent.”

If he’s doing what we think he’s doing—hitting on as many people as he can—this doesn’t seem like a safe situation, physically and emotionally. You should definitely speak to him directly about how you’re feeling. However, in this situation, actions will speak louder than words. If he tells you he sees potential for a relationship with you, but then continues his whole Facebook charade, then you need to assess what’s the truth and what isn’t.

In general, tread carefully here. He may seem like a great guy—and it’s possible he is—but keep in mind that anyone can be wonderful from a distance. And anyone can be on their best behavior for three days. When hormones are raging, guys can be quite charming.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Take care.

Today’s question stemmed from a previous post. Please read to get caught up.

Is my marriage over? 

And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly.

Thanks so much. And Happy New Year!

THE GUYS

Dear Guys,

Reading this in January 2012. I’m a man and not sure if my relationship is over. I’m looking for clues that it may be, because I simply don’t feel the same anymore, after 4 years.

There is no one else. I think some of the above comments are stereotypical. (Previous post) The Guys gave good insight into Sue’s husband’s behavior. But this is not always the case.

Something has to be wrong in a relationship for the husband to look outside. The nature of an outside relationship is somewhat moot; it’s the fact that someone is not looking, or talking inside the relationship that is relevant.

I cannot explain my feelings. I feel low, bored, nagged at constantly. Yet I believe I am the same person I always was. It makes me want to look outside – so how do you explain this?

It’s not even that another woman is more beautiful, as my wife is so pretty it’s difficult to understand why she got together with plain old me in the first place. (No it’s not a self esteem thing).

I want to stop feeling like the relationship is slipping away, because it’s not what I want. But how do I control it? Enjoying time together just doesn’t seem possible these days, and I don’t even enjoy her cuddles in bed at night .

Someone explain to me what is going on before I hurt this lady who doesn’t deserve it, and who is the mother of my young daughter.

Paul

Dear Paul,

Thanks for your heartfelt and honest note/question. You raise some important points which we’d like to share our thoughts on.

We agree with your statement that people often look outside a marriage because something is broken inside. And even though some women think men are these beings who are constantly on the hunt—only waiting for the right opportunity to cheat—we tend to think that both men AND women need a strong connection, both physical and emotional, within a marriage to keep them happy and focused.

So what’s changed for you Paul? Can you think of the last time you were happy? Were you ever happy within your relationship?

These are questions important to ask yourself. Because if you are able to remember a time when you were happy you should explore what about that time made you fulfilled and content. Finding the moment things changed, might help you recreate the time when you were happy. And yes, often change happens slowly, making it difficult to assess the exact moment when your feelings shifted, but it’s still a good exercise to try.

Let’s explore some possibilities. And maybe some of these apply to you and some don’t. We’re just throwing ideas out there.

Your daughter. Many men feel isolated after they have kids. All of a sudden they’ve been displaced by this other being. Sure they love their son or daughter, but a part of them wants things to go back to the way they were—at least with their wife. Now, spontaneity is gone. Everything has to be planned. And everything revolves around the kid. And then, in those few moments after their child’s needs are taken care of, neither they nor their wives have much left to give. In a word, it can be drudgery. And frankly being on call 24/7 for the needs of someone else gets old. And yes, boring.

Unless. Unless, you get involved. Seriously involved. Share all the daycare and domestic duties with your wife. And if she has claimed them to be hers, reclaim half of them for yourself. Not only will this make you more connected to your child, it will help you bond with your wife, which in turn will energize her, and possibly even revitalize the relationship.

Of course it’s not that simple. But we think you could use a shift in focus as you sort through all of your feelings. Being involved with your child, and thus more involved with your family, might help your perspective shift, and make you see how much you’ll miss if you do decide you must go. (Which by the way, we hope you’ll explore every possibility before you take that route.)

Once you decide to have a child Paul, there is nothing you can do as a man that’s more important than being a good father. Your child now comes first. But the tricky part is not letting the relationship with your wife slip away. However, if you’re both on the same page as parents, it will be easier to be on the same page with your relationship.

Your needs. So which of your needs are not getting met? Intellectual. Emotional. Sexual. Or all of the above?

Some of this is your responsibility. If you’re not getting some of your needs met at home, then you need to seek them elsewhere. (Except the sexual ones of course, or ones involving another woman.)

So many guys look for their wives to provide them with everything. In essence we want some combination of Playboy Centerfold, Rhodes Scholar, Rachel Ray, and Danica Patrick. A mix of beauty, intelligence, domesticity, and a hint of naughty. But we all know this is not possible. One person can’t give us everything. That’s why we need friends, work, hobbies, passions, and other pursuits to make our lives full and interesting.

Couples need to be united, but they also need to be independent. They need to have their own interests, their own friends, and be out in the world cultivating themselves. Why? Because not only does this make them feel more whole, but in turn they can now bring this newfound energy, creativity, and knowledge back to the relationship. Because relationships need to be fed too. And without outside stimulation, the same old stuff—conversations, patterns, duties—gets recycled over and over. Once again, this can get boring pretty quickly.

The key Paul is balance. For you it will be different than for us. You’ll know what’s right based on how it feels. This will require many adjustments and tweaks along the way. The search for balance is always just that: a search. It’s in constant flux, always changing.

Finally, Your Wife. Has she changed? And if she has, is she unaware of that change? Because if she thinks things are going great, then a chasm is growing between you. Talk to her. No, she doesn’t need to know the gravity of how disconnected you feel, but she does need to know you don’t feel as close to her as you did. But start the conversation by being positive. Reassure her how much you love her, and want to reconnect with her.

You seem like an intelligent and self-reflective guy Paul. We are confident you will figure this out. We’re certainly pulling for you.

Please leave us a comment and or question. Let’s keep the dialogue going. (Here in the comments section.) And keep in touch. We’d like to know how things are going for you and your family.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

What does he really want? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dumped by text

Hi Guys,

I have been totally blindsided! About six weeks ago I started seeing this guy. (He is younger than me – I’m 30 and he’s 24, but that didn’t seem to bother him.) Everything was going really smoothly up until yesterday. While we were seeing each other he was out of town for two of the weeks. One of the weeks he was going to different universities around Canada because he’s finishing med school this year and is looking for residency positions. So we didn’t talk much while he was gone. And then the week before Christmas he was out of town staying with his family. So I know that overall I haven’t invested a whole lot of time into this relationship but I’m not sure where/when it went wrong.

The first few weeks that we were seeing each other he did do most of the talking. I think he was nervous(?) because it could be hard for me to get a word in edgewise. After our second date he wanted to not only know if I’d hang out with him on New Years but also wanted to know if there was anyone else in the picture and seemed somewhat surprised when I said that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. He even asked me if “I was (only) his” and I said yes. (How does one answer that kind of question??) He was really eager/enthusiastic – I’ve never dated someone so overzealous (seemingly) in the beginning of a relationship but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I don’t think he’s had much experience in having relationships. He said he’d only had one previous long term relationship and then a “fling” over the summer. I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship last March and I’m in no rush to jump into anything. (We waited until about 2 or 3 weeks in before having sex… well I made us wait and I think I should’ve waited longer).

After a few dates he invited me out with his friends and we had a really good time. He told me later they really liked me and a week or so after that my friends and I hosted a party and he came to that and my friends all came up to me later telling me they really liked him. After the party was the first time we had sex and I do think there was a (very) subtle change in the dynamic of the relationship after that. The very day we had sex I had to leave to go to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Just as I was on my way to meet up with him he messaged me bailing on me—first time ever bailing last minute—because he had to pack because he was going to his universities tour that I mentioned earlier. The fact that he had just stayed at home while I was gone playing on his xbox knowing he was supposed to meet up with me I thought was inconsiderate so I asked him to next time give me a heads-up in advance if he has to bail. And the following week, when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet up, he let me know 12 hours in advance! So I saw the bailing thing as just a blip.

We still frequently made plans to meet up after that and it was always nice spending time with him and he was pretty consistent about contacting me, as was I with him. Two days ago he got back from spending a week and a half with his family out of town. No sooner did we sit down at coffee yesterday that he said, “We have to talk!” We hadn’t even had a ‘define the relationship’ type of conversation so I didn’t even know if he considered me as his girlfriend. And then the next thing I knew he was ending our relationship and according to him we were dating!

He said that he felt that because the hospital he was going to be working at next semester was pretty far he was going to have to spend a lot of time at his parents because they live close to the hospital. He often has to be at the hospital for 6am and public transit doesn’t even start to operate until 6am and he will be on call most of the time and he didn’t know how much time he could invest into a relationship. He said he doesn’t also want to be a guy who calls only when he has like thirty minutes to hang out or something. He said he still likes me and is attracted to me but he has to prioritize his career and school. (Since I have a Master’s degree I totally get the need to prioritize school and career.)

So I told him that I respected him for being straight up but that I would’ve appreciated a bit more dialogue such as about how I would have felt with only seeing him once a week but he sort of made up his mind about how I would’ve felt about it.

I asked him how long he had been thinking of this and he said he just started really thinking seriously (as in 3 days ago) about how the next few months are going to be for him and that he didn’t see how things could work out as we’d like it to so he decided he needed to focus on his priorities, which is school and getting into a residency program. (I don’t begrudge that of course).

But is it really school or do you think he’ll have a change of heart?

Thanks!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

As women are often, but certainly not always, attracted to guys who are stable and seemingly good caretakers—guys with money, or at least good jobs—guys in turn strive to achieve those positions. Our identities, and unfortunately our egos, are closely connected to our work. We want to feel valued in society. We want to be respected by our peers. And we certainly want to be attractive to women. But it’s more than that. Since we’re no longer required to hunt, moving up the career ladder is the closest thing we have to taking down that Saber Tooth Tiger.

Your guy’s age and inexperience play a big factor here as well. He’s probably a bit uncertain about how he feels. Remember, he’s probably been planning on studying medicine his whole life. (Or maybe his parents pushed him in that direction, which is a whole other story.) Then all of a sudden he meets you right before he’s about to take the next step and he’s thrown off a bit. Most guys just won’t tolerate that. Even if they feel a strong connection with a woman they won’t allow themselves to “go there.” We’d say he fits neatly into this category. And if so, we don’t see him veering from his course.

Some people love the idea of love. They get all excited every time they meet someone new, only to have their feelings temper as the relationship develops. In a word, or words, this stinks for the other person. The way he spoke to you at the beginning was probably genuine, but in some ways he was living in his own fantasy world. When he “woke up,” he realized that he needed to stay focused on his plan.

Of course having said that, if this guy really felt something extra special with you his conversation might have been slightly different.(Like you surmised.) He might have asked you how you felt about him moving, and if you would consider trying to do a long distance relationship; and maybe if he was really a risk taker, he’d ask you if you would consider relocating. He still wouldn’t have changed his path, but it’s possible he might have tried to incorporate you into it.

But that takes a forward-thinking person to do that. Someone who is able to balance a lot at one time, or even understand that this balancing act is possible. If he’s career obsessed it might not even have occurred to him that having an exciting career AND a great relationship is possible. Some guys just don’t have that capacity, even when they are married.

If it makes you feel better we bet at some point he’ll feel some regret over his decision. We also wouldn’t be surprised if he contacted you again. But it’s hard to say when, and if he’ll be a different person when he does. (We wouldn’t hold our breath on this one.)

We’ll speak personally and tell you that having a career that we love is very important, but having a woman we love and a family to come home to is even better. There are many guys out there who feel the way we do. We’re not sure if this guy is one of them, or if he’s just too young to know where he stands.

Please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Keep spreading the word about us. We love you girls up in Canada!! Thanks. 

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Dumped by text

Dear Guys,

There is this guy who works at the ABC store that I am very attracted to. The first time I went in to stock my home bar he helped me and as I left he said, “Let me know when the party is.” I took it as if he was just being nice. I went back in tonight and he asked me how the bar was going. I told him that no one drank the rum and he said, “Let me know where the party’s at and I will drink it!”

Is he trying to tell me something? Should I have taken those comments and invited him over? I am soo shy. Should I just pass him the number and leave it at that?

Trisha

Dear Trisha, 

Thanks for your question.

Well, he’s either interested in you, or he really likes to drink rum. Either way, you won’t know unless you make the first move.

We don’t think there’s any harm in giving him your number, but just remember you don’t really know the guy. Maybe a first meeting should be sometime during the day, say for coffee? If that goes well you can take it from there.

He sounds fun, but we’re always a bit wary about relationships that begin with drinks. If you know what we mean!

Happy New Year,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

(AND)

Hey Guys,

So for about 4 months I started talking to a girl who I know through a friend. We started off as just friends but then I started to get feelings for her. I told her straight up how I felt and that I was starting to fall for her. She had been dating a guy who hit her and controlled her. She told me every day that I was the only guy who treated her right and that I was above all other guys ever.

A few weeks ago they broke up and she said she didn’t want to date anyone and stay single for awhile. I told her I respected that choice and told her I was still there for her. She told me that when she was ready I would be at top of the list. But last night I saw a tweet on my feed that said she was dating some other guy.

All I wanna know is if you think I got played and used? Did she only want me around to feel wanted and loved?

Thanks,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thanks for your question.

Rest assured you did a good thing. You gave this woman strength as she dealt with an abusive boyfriend. Good for you.

But sometimes it’s a drag being the ‘good guy’ isn’t it?

We don’t think you got used specifically. Meaning, she didn’t use you and then discard you. She leaned on you as she would a friend. But we’re not sure it means anything more than that. Her choice of words to you seems a bit coy and non-committal. (“You’ll be at the top of her list when she’s ready.”) She has a list?

However, by your description of her taste in men, she doesn’t seem capable of choosing a good guy just yet. She’s still into guys who treat her poorly, as if that’s somehow more exciting. It makes no sense to us, just as women are baffled by guys who go for beautiful women with not much else going on—not that the two are mutually exclusive. (We’re just making a point.)

We’d say don’t abandon her; she still probably values your friendship. But we think you shouldn’t hold out any hope that she’ll suddenly come around. She’s got a ways to go before she’s ready for a good guy like yourself.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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_____________________________

Dear Guys,

I went to one of my friend’s weddings which was held five hours away from where I live. While there I met a guy who was my age. We hit it off and had a lot in common and sparks started to fly. This all happened in January of this year.

I had drove to visit him 10+ times and he came to visit me. I went to wedding with him, introduced him to my family/friends and met his family/friends; everything was perfect.

After several months of talking we decided to date long distance. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we gave it a go anyway. I started getting a little suspicious when he wouldn’t add me on Facebook and he would always have a password set on his phone—not like I’d go through it anyway. But it all didn’t add up.

One day while I was visiting, he was at work and I wanted to be cute and write on his calendar. (He had a whole bunch of permanent markers in a cubby on his night stand so I grabbed one and there happened to be a sticky note stuck to one of them.) So of course I read it and it was from a girl telling him she loved him and had an amazing time with him. However, there was no date so it could have been old. I decided to ask him about it and he got all defensive and we got into an argument which didn’t make matters any better.

So automatically that gave me some trust issues with him. My friend found out through her friend that my guy was going to all these bars and all these girls were commenting on his page on Facebook. Which wasn’t a big deal really, but he would lie to me about where he was if I happened to call. He would say his phone died or he was just hanging at a friend’s house when really he was out at the bars. Then to top things off my friend Googled his name and found him posting on this chat message board trying to pick up girls two days before one of my trips to see him.

I haven’t seen him since October 2nd and on the 7th of this month he told me maybe we should end things because I deserve better and all of that. So I got upset and blocked him and we haven’t spoken since. I know he has screwed me over and I’ve been completely faithful and honest but I miss him. I had plans to move there to be with him and everything and now it’s all gone. January of 2012 will mark our one year and it’s hard to think about.

What should I do?  Do you think he will come back?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re going through such a tough time.

Distance and time can often distort perception. You haven’t seen this guy since October so of course you’re missing him terribly. Yes, you might remember that he cheated on you, but the painful feelings associated with that memory have faded, replaced by memories of the good times you had with him. We’ve all been there.

If you get back together with him ask yourself if things would be different. Do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he will be responsible with that trust? Do you believe when he’s out in the world he’ll be saying to himself ‘How would Ashley feel if I did this’? Because in order to make this work, or any trusting relationship to work, the answer to all those questions must be a definitive YES. Because doubt breeds insecurity, which leads to resentment, and eventually disillusion.

We can’t say whether he’ll come back. The larger question is, should you take him back if he does come back?

People can change, but often it takes time, usually littered with broken relationships along the way before the person finally has an epiphany and realizes they need to fundamentally change. This also must be coupled with self-reflection. Without the two working in tandem change won’t happen.

Guys, tend to take longer to change. Many people say women are more intuitive. That’s not necessarily true. But guys are so programmed to try and be cool and tough that they ignore their intuition in favor of a rough exterior and uncaring attitude. It’s all a smokescreen. But it can take a lifetime to clear all that smoke.

Just think about all these questions as you move forward. There are trustworthy and loyal guys out there. You might not need to recycle the past to get the person you’re looking for.

Be well,

THE GUYS

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We are lining up some exciting interviews for 2012. Our goal is to feature innovative people who are pushing the creative envelope. Artists, writers, engineers, CEOs, athletes, musicians, business people will all be featured on this page. Some will be written Feature Stories, others will be in Question/Answer format, and some will include audio segments.

Up next: 

Author, Peter Winkler

Artist/Potter, Cary Joseph

We look forward to sharing our conversations with you.

Thanks,

THE GUYS

ps. In the meantime, read or listen to some of our previous interviews. Scroll below.

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

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Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

What does he really want? 

Casual Encounter on Craigslist: Is my relationship over? 

Dear Guys,

I was dating this guy for about 6 months. Things were going good, we were enjoying each other’s time and he was someone I could be open with. Then out of the blue I get this text message saying:

“I just got back from office. I am barely able to finish this text I’m so tired. But it’s important we communicate. I have something to share with you. Met someone that I like and I wanted to give it a fair chance. So I have to be true and fair to myself, you and her. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing each other for now. I would like us to remain friends but after a bit of time has passed and I feel comfortable in my relationship. I hope you find it in you to be happy for me and wish me well. It is what I would do.”

It was totally out of left field. I was so hurt. This happened about a month ago and I am still hurt and confused about it. I am 33 and he is 45. This is not something I would have expected from an older man.

My question is, what would make a man break up with somone via a text message? Why did he do that? I gave him no reason to think I am crazy.

Confused and hurt,

Fatisha

Dear Fatisha,

Thanks for your question.

We are as taken aback by this as you are. A 45 year-old guy should know better. We’re sorry.

So we discussed among ourselves the question: Is there ever a time when it’s okay to break up via text?

We could agree on only one scenario:

If a couple uses texting as their primary mode of communication, then it seems reasonable—although still odd to us—that this particular couple could conduct a breakup via texting. Otherwise breaking up in a text message is completely irresponsible and shows a total lack of respect.

We know you’re hurt and sad, but hopefully as time goes by you might realize that this man showed his true colors the day he broke up with you. He used the quickest and easiest way to extricate himself from your relationship and then had the gall to ask for your blessing. This shows how little he valued your relationship, and much about his lack of character and values.

We’d like to think that most people face their challenges head on. They admit if they were wrong. They apologize when warranted. And they don’t avoid those difficult conversations even when they know how unpleasant they are going to be. Clearly your man does not live his life this way. So Fatisha, is this the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? Think about how many challenges life throws at us. Don’t you want someone in your corner who’s got your back? Someone you know you can count on when things get tough? Someone who has your best interests in mind?

Hopefully in your next relationship you have will be a true partnership.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question in the comments section. We’ll respond there. Also, let your friends know about us. Thanks!

For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz

Some recent questions:

How to ask about sex? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?

Will he come back?

He won’t bring me out with his friends

Friends with benefits: why me? 

Kissing Cousins: Should we date? 

What does he really want? 

Dear Guys,

I answered a casual encounters ad on Craigslist. No sex. He just wanted to play with my breasts. I thought it would be something like making out, maybe foreplay without the sex; and initially it was. We had our first meeting in public—no breast activity at all. I liked him, so we kept in touch through text messages mostly and a few phone calls. We made plans to see each other on a more regular basis. After a few meetings he suggested that we try something new—extended breast play. I asked, “Don’t we do that already?” So he further explained it as suckling. I asked if it was like breastfeeding, and he said that it was simulating it. I asked if what he really wanted was a pregnant and/or nursing woman. He said no. I asked if he had ever done it before and he said no. He gave me the impression that this was a new experience for us both. So I tried it, and I liked it. It was a lot more intimate than anything we had done prior. Afterwards, I was curious about what we tried so I started googling it. I started with adult breastfeeding, which lead to erotic lactation, and that lead to adult nursing relationships (ANRs).

Anyway, at first I was upset when I found at all of this information. I thought this was something new to both of us but apparently it wasn’t. But after some thought I could see why he wasn’t completely upfront about what he wanted. However, I let my anxiety take over, and instead of waiting patiently to speak with him, I flooded him with texts, and emails and voice mail messages for three days. I didn’t yell or accuse, like I said, I understand why he was less than honest, and I wanted to explore this with him.

Anyway, we never spoke about what I discovered. He said if this was going to work I needed to apply the breaks, heavily. Then he asked me for space. I gave him one week.

He stopped answering my phone calls, emails, and text messages. I became clingy and needy. Eventually I resorted to dropping by his house unannounced. The first time it freaked him out but it ended in a heavy makeout session. The second time he yelled at me in his hallway and sent me away. He was hurtful. I, in turn, sent him a nasty email. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half. I really messed this up. He won’t talk to me, and he has already started looking for someone else. I know he is back to answering (ANR) ads.

I can’t let this go. I feel as though he tossed me aside like a defective blow up doll. Should I apologize? Will he ever be receptive to me again, or should I stay away? Is it possible for things to just go back to being casual, stress free, and fun or will he think I’m crazy forever?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your question.

The issue here is one of expectation. When you answer a “Casual Encounters Ad” on Craigslist, it implies just that: a casual encounter. Nothing more. Nothing less. Your reaction—although in our minds warranted—took the arrangement from casual to serious, which is not something he was looking for. His own internal and external exploration helped him realize he has a fetish for this sort of thing. (ANR) So, he is now looking for like-minded people who have reached this same realization.

We think it’s unlikely your relationship can go back to being just casual and fun. In general, it’s possible to take a relationship from casual to serious, but difficult to go from serious to casual. But we can’t blame you for wanting to understand more about “extended breast play” and then seeking answers from him. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the get go. But maybe honesty is too much to ask when you answer this type of ad?

The one place we do think you crossed the line is showing up at his house unannounced, especially when you were really angry. Going forward, please try to suppress these impulses unless you want to be labeled as: crazy, loco, psycho, nuts, or creepy.

We’re sorry you feel discarded. But unfortunately we don’t think he’s open to you anymore. But we also don’t think you could have done much differently. Sure you might have acted a bit “needy” but who could blame you? And really, is this the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with? We doubt it. Not because of his alternative interests, but because of his dishonesty, and unwillingness to explore with you and help you understand. Sharing fetishes and fantasies with a partner can help spice things up and even bring people closer together. But this guy is not looking for one woman he can share his fantasies with but rather as many willing “Milk Maids” as he can find.

We hope this helps. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us any follow up questions. Leave all comments/questions in this comments section here and we’ll respond here as well.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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If you have a question, please leave us a note here on the “Ask the Guys” page. We’re doing our best to get to all of your questions.

Until then, enjoy!

THE GUYS

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Some recent questions:

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Dear Guys,

I was with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years. He cheated on me in the past with a girl who is nothing but wrong for him; she has a bad reputation as a known alcohol and drug user. He had a year long affair with her and she influenced him into drinking heavily. When I found out he cheated I left and disappeared from his life for about six months without any arguments and questions. I just accepted that it wasn’t me he wanted so I left him to be happy with her.

After about six months his family members came to me in desperate need, saying  he was finding it hard to cope with life without me and therefore turning to alcohol as a barrier to block out the pain. I also witnessed this myself as I couldn’t just take their word for it. At that point in time I really thought he had realized what he lost and really did regret cheating. After convincing me that he was no longer in touch with the other woman I gave him another chance.

He was open and honest with me for a little while when the other woman would try to get in contact with him. He changed his phone number many times but she still got a hold of him. She would post him a letter or sit outside his house. As he was honest about her I believed he wouldnt risk losing me again. But just a few days ago I found out that he was still in contact with her and talks to her all night on the phone. I’m now back at the same stage I was when he first cheated. I don’t understand where I went wrong? Over the 7 years I did so much for him. His family absolutely adores me. When I confronted him about cheating again, he completely lost the plot and told me I was being crazy and paranoid and that I should go and kill myself. He also said that he doesn’t want me in his life and he wished I would just get lost. So once again I decided to leave.

But my question to you today is, if it was her he wanted why did he send his family to come find me? Will he ever realize and cry for me the way I cried for him?

Jo

Dear Jo,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Your guy has no idea what he wants or who he wants to be with because he’s using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with life. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he is ill and needs to get help in order to reclaim himself and get his life back in order.

He is not making a choice between you or this other woman, he’s making a choice between two different lifestyles. This other woman is part of the lifestyle where he uses drugs, and you’re part of his clean living lifestyle. At this point in time he’s not capable of choosing you. It might feel like he’s choosing her, but in reality it’s the chemicals running through his bloodstream that are doing most of the talking.

Why would his family come to you? Because they want to see him healthy and happy, and probably when he’s able to think straight he tells them how much he cares for you. They know you are a good person and are a positive force in his life. However, you aren’t the savior here. Certainly you can support this man if you choose to do so. (Emotionally we mean.) But at this point he’s just going to drag you down with the ship if you choose to be in a relationship with him.

We think you did the right thing by leaving. You have to protect yourself. If he’s cheating on you with this other woman this could be a physical risk for you, but the emotional toll of being with him is even more detrimental to your well being. Will he ever realize what he lost and cry for you? Possibly, but only when he’s sober and seeing the world through a new lens—the kind that isn’t tainted with chemicals. This could take some time, and also may never happen.

Jo, you need to try and move on. You need to surround yourself with people who are healthy and positive, and who support you. Focus on the things you love. Your ex is going to have to figure this out on his own, and/or with the support of his family.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.  Thanks.

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Are my sister’s actions inappropriate?

Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend?  If so, why does he call me and text me so often?  I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions:

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I like a gay guy; what do I do?

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My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

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The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

Hi Guys,

It seems like every time I meet or date someone my sister likes to form her own type of relationship with the person. Some of the guys are people I’m dating, others are just friends. (I don’t think she’s trying to date them though.) It starts out innocently enough with a few comments on Facebook and before I know it she has added them as a friend—most of the time she has never even met the person—which then leads to texting/phone and in some cases, hanging out. Sometimes she likes to hijack my phone and text them funny things pretending it’s from me. (Sometimes it is funny, but a lot of the time it’s not.)

This has happened on more than a few occasions…at least six or seven times. I feel like I’m being paranoid but I would never do something like that to her. I’ve been told I’m justified AND I’ve been told I’m jealous.

There is a eight year age gap between us—I am the oldest (33)of three and she is the youngest (25)—and we have always been close, but this really bothers me. Is this a line crosser? I don’t know how to approach her. The one time I did she got bent out of shape and mass deleted everyone on Facebook, saying she wasn’t allowed to be friends with my friends. And the one time I mentioned it to a guy I was told I was jealous.

I’m at a loss as to what to make of it. And, what to do.

Trish

Dear Trish,

Thanks for your question.

You’re in a funny position here. It’s obvious you care about your sister and you don’t want to do anything to damage your relationship, but at the same time you’d like her to stop. (Ahh, the complexity of sibling relationships!)

Rest assured, she is completely in the wrong. She is definitely crossing the line and she seems completely oblivious to this fact. Which says to us, whatever roles you established when the two of you were younger, are still playing out here. Meaning, you’re expected to be the mature and understanding older sister who puts up with her younger sister’s cute pranks. Maybe twenty years ago her antics were adorable, but now that you’re both adults, not so much anymore.

Sibling roles often last forever. Even after kids go off to establish their own lives—maybe getting married and having their own families—these same roles play out over and over during family get togethers and events. In order to break free from these roles it takes work and participation from both sides. Often, if issues arise, one sibling might try to move the relationship to a new place while the other sibling resists, which can cause a rift that can last a lifetime.

We don’t think a lifetime rift will happen in your case, but you are going to have to have a “sit down” with your sis. (This behavior isn’t going to stop on its own.) And this is where being the older sister will help you, because it’s clear she’s trying to get your attention. She’s flexing her adult muscles, demonstrating her power, and probably looking for your approval. Yes, she still wants to know that big sister is paying attention as she navigates the adult world. And of course on some level she’s also competing with you. What younger sibling doesn’t want to “beat” their older brother or sister in something?

What she doesn’t realize is that you’re treating her more as an equal now, someone who should know better. And this is how we might broach the topic. Tell her how much you care about her, but you also might want to flip things on her. Tell her that sometimes even older sis might need some support from younger sis. If she realizes that you in fact don’t have all the answers, maybe she’ll back off and realize she has crossed the line. Hopefully this new understanding will bring the two of you even closer.

However, this conversation may not go smoothly, and it is possible she will have a knee-jerk reaction and be angry for a time. But if you do it with sensitivity—even though she’s not being sensitive now—eventually she’ll understand her behavior is inappropriate.

And for Pete’s Sake, please hide your phone!

THE GUYS

ps. Please leave us a comment her in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me? 

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

Dear Guys,

I dated this guy for about 5 months. We weren’t too serious, but we did see each other every day. We weren’t exclusive but we had been going to family events with one another and holiday things of the sort.

A couple weeks ago he started acting distant and I thought something was wrong. Well, he decided to end things, saying he just needed to figure himself out. No big deal. We were gonna stay friends, and I was gonna let him decide what he wanted to do.

Well after a couple days his ex contacts me saying she had been talking with him—not that it mattered since he and I weren’t exclusive. But then she says she is talking to an old friend of mine as well. They tell me all this drama and I ask my ex about it. He says it’s not true and we continue on like normal.

A couple days later my ex calls me and is LIVID. He tells me that this guy his ex has been talking to apparently fell off the face of the earth. His ex apparently thinks I have made this person up and have been leading her on and feeding her all this info blah blah blah. Now my ex is furious. He then says he wants nothing to do with the drama and cuts me and her off completely. Then I get a call a couple days later from saying I am not allowed to contact him, his family, or anyone else he knows AT ALL. He apparently thinks I am an insecure because he believed I did all this. Then he says he never cared.

None of what he accused me of was true. So I obviously blocked him from everything possible and never contacted him AGAIN. A week later he texts me asking if we can meet somewhere public to discuss this all. He then calls and says he just wants me to own up to all of it and he just wants to “help” me. What man does this? I thought if he actually believed all this he would be running for the hills thinking I was psychotic. Why would he call me AGAIN to just make me upset and angry to tell me I’m a liar AGAIN?

I don’t understand why he keeps contacting me. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Am I missing something? Can you help me understand what is going on here? Does he really believe I have done all this? And if he does, why keep contacting me, shouldn’t you run away from the psycho girl? Is this some sick and twisted way to get me back? If so it’s surely NOT working.

Just try and explain this to me, cause no one else can.

Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused, 

Thanks for your question. Honestly we’re a bit confused to actually what went down and with whom. And maybe the specifics don’t actually matter.

From what we can see the confusion began way before all of the “drama” started. The confusion actually began while the two of you were together, because a relationship that’s not exclusive is called dating. This sort of “open” relationship is ripe for all sorts of misunderstandings to happen. Why? Because the boundaries aren’t clear. What is okay and not okay is hazy? And even though both parties might say, “it’s all good,” when it comes down to it someone always gets hurt.

In your case, he got hurt. Because frankly your relationship doesn’t look a lot different now than it did when you were together. (How do you actually break up from a relationship that’s not exclusive? Does that mean, no physical contact anymore?) And if you think about it this way, you can see why he’s upset over your supposed actions. (We understand that you didn’t do what he thinks you did.) In his mind, someone close to him betrayed him. It has less to do with the fact that you dated, and more to do with your friendship. And once again, all of this stems from the lack of clarity with your relationship.

We think you should talk with him. It’s obvious to us that both of you still care about each other, at least to some degree, so why not have the conversation? See what he has to say. Yeah, it probably won’t be pleasant, but if you really want to find out what’s going on, why not get it from the original source, instead of asking everyone you know to enlighten you.

If you do have that conversation feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or just get us up to date. We’re interested to hear how this all turns out. (Leave comments in the comments section here on this post. We’ll do the same.)

Our advice moving forward: You might want to try and stay away from these types of non-exclusive relationships, including getting back together with this guy. (If things get resolved with your discussion.) There are reasons that exclusive, monogamous relationships work.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me? 

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Does my coach love me, or am I being delusional?

Dear Guys,

I was in a relationship for 5 years. (A gay couple.) My ex constantly flirted with his previous boyfriends or other guys online while we were together.

Two years ago he left me and moved in with a guy he just met. Well that lasted two weeks and then he wanted me back. When he came back he got into counseling and I thought things were going well. I was wrong. He cheated again. So I ended the relationship for good.

It has taken a lot of work to get over my ex. Finally, I started talking to someone new. At the beginning of December my ex tried to say negative things about me to this new guy. Then he tried to repair his broken relationship with my best friend. (I think it’s really unfair of my ex to contact my best friend.) He’s made sure that I don’t talk to many mutual friends anymore which I’m okay with because it tells me they weren’t true friends.

The bottom line is, my ex just won’t go away. Not a week goes by that he doesn’t do something to try and tear me down. What I don’t understand is why would he do this? He’s dating someone else. And I’ve been working hard on myself to heal and grow from this because it was a really, really bad relationship.

He’s told everyone he doesn’t want me, but he still contacts me and tries to get all dramatic. So why won’t he go away? Why won’t he stop doing these things and just leave me alone?

Nate

Dear Nate,

Thanks for your question.

It takes strength to break up with someone you still love. Good for you—for recognizing how unhealthy your relationship was, and extracting yourself. But as you know, the breakup is only the first step to actually moving on. Often people get back together—as in your case, sometimes more than once—only to finally break it off permanently. Once the actual physical connection is no longer there it still takes time to separate emotionally.

And that’s where you are. Both of you. You are still allowing him to exhibit control over you and he still feels remorseful for messing up a good thing. Because rest assured, he is remorseful, and wishes he acted differently when the two of you were together. Otherwise he wouldn’t be spending so much time trying to make life difficult for you now. He sees that you’ve moved on. He sees you’ve gotten stronger and more confident and that bothers him. He wants you to feel as miserable as he does inside. So when he sees you happy, he’s going to do anything he can to try and take that from you.

You can’t control his actions and words, but you can control how you react to what he says, and how his actions affect you. This starts with you having very clear boundaries. (Maybe you’ve done this, but it should happen again.) Please ask him nicely to stop speaking badly about you to other people. And then ask him to stop contacting you. Once you’ve done this you must also follow through. Stop answering his calls. Don’t get sucked into the drama—long drawn out conversations and arguments. Stop giving him any sort of audience and after a while this will hopefully stop.

We understand that part of the problem is the two of you travel in many of the same circles. You have mutual friends, you go to similar hang outs, and you probably live near each other. So unless you plan on moving and starting a new life somewhere else, you’re going to have to deal with him in your life to some extent. So you must be consistent, strong, and clear. And lean on your true friends for support. Don’t be shy about this. It’s okay to ask for help.

Nate, if you can understand that he’s actually hurting, and try to see him as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with his inner turmoil, it might help you separate from him. We’re not saying accept his negative actions. No one should ever accept being bullied. And we’re not saying it’s your job to help him. It’s not. But if you realize that he is in a holding pattern—right where he was when you broke up with him—and that you’ve grown so much since then, you’ll realize that you do in fact have the control here. You’re the stronger person; you’re the person who’s put in the hard work to grow; so you need to rise above this. Hopefully one day he’ll start working on what he needs to work on. But that’s his journey, not yours.

Focus on what you can control: your happiness. The rest is all static, meant to distract you from your goal.

And finally, if this gets too bad, and he won’t leave you alone, then you might need to seek help beyond your friends. (Something to consider down the road.) Hopefully it won’t ever get to that point.

Good luck and happy holidays.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

And now:

“Holiday Expectations” by Saelen Ghose

Originally published in The MetroWest Daily. 

We store our fine china in a sealed cabinet deep down in a temperature controlled room. We call it, the basement. It’s there that it sits until once or twice a year, we pull it out gently—like transplanting a fragile seedling to safer and more nutritious soil—so we can eat a holiday meal with the grace and dignity it so deserves.

That is until one of my kids has a temper tantrum and ends up spending the entire meal roaming the house like some nomadic vampire, mainly because he’s been snacking on—or more like gorging on—the various bowls of chocolates adorning our home this time of year, and the sugar levels in his bloodstream have hit historic highs, causing the rest of us—mainly his parents—to silently curse the entire candy industry, and ourselves. (That very long sentence is an example of what candy will do to you. Daddy has his own secret stash.)

Holidays are about family. They are about giving and receiving. They are about time spent with loved ones. But holidays are also accompanied with the expectation that everything will be perfect. The perfect gift. The perfect dinner. The perfect table settings. The perfect decorations. The perfect family. And especially, perfect children.

We all know that perfection is best left to “those” magazines in which airbrushing has become an art form. Because perfection has no place in everyday life, especially in a house like mine, containing three, very loud and messy children—now with their own opinions (darnit!)—and a puppy who considers everything in the house to be her very own personal chew toy.

My house is a zoo. So why my wife and I think that all of a sudden everyone is going to tow the “perfection line” once the holidays roll around is beyond me. Actually we don’t really expect it, but we maintain the hope that maybe, just maybe, our kids will give us the perfect gift of perfect behavior for possibly a day or two. But I know that’s unrealistic. We might be able to pull out the china for a day or two to spice things up, but it isn’t like we have a stash of well-behaved replacement kids in a locked cabinet somewhere in our house. (No, really, we don’t. Although, at times, I wish we did. )

And then comes gift giving. Every season my wife and I go on the hunt to find gifts our kids will love. We try not to get caught up in the hoopla, but it’s hard not to. Since we don’t keep our kids locked up, they inevitably are confronted with the world of advertising. On billboards, TV, radio, and all forms of public transportation, these messages are beckoning our children to want more, whether overtly or subliminally. I’m sure even the saltine crackers I’m munching on at this moment contain messages for me to digest, one salty treat at a time.

My wife and I should know better than to actually think we’re going to be successful in our hunt for the perfect gift for each of our children. Inevitably someone is disappointed. And please, spare me the, “it’s the thought that counts” garbage. We get it. And yes, we try to downplay material giving. But in today’s world kids have a difficult time focusing on sentiment when they’re faced with friends telling enchanted stories of new cell phones, video games, i-touches, and other slick gadgetry. The holidays represent keeping up with the Joneses to the utmost degree.

So parents have two choices: lower expectations or up the ante. I for one am all about lowering expectations—I never said low expectations—because lowering expectations can help take away some of the pressures to “keep up” which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life. And during the holidays, when families come together to celebrate, the expectation for everything to go smoothly is totally unrealistic. In fact, the atmosphere is so charged with hyper intense energy that the table is set–so to speak—for anything and everything to go wrong.

So this holiday season how about we get rid of all expectations? Let’s throw them out with the china. Because life doesn’t come with guarantees of perfection. It’s messy and full of suprises, served on old dinner plates made from hard work and sweat.

Happy Holidays to all.

Saelen Ghose is a syndicated columnist for Gatehouse media. He is currently working on a parenting book that fuses tales of his childhood—growing up with an Indian father and New England mother in Cleveland—with his own parenting challenges and questions.

Contact Saelen at sghose@theguysperspective.com if you would like help writing your own memoirs. Saelen also writes obits. 

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me? 

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

My son is throwing his life away for a woman with three kids

Dear Guys,

Since I was a freshman in high school I have always had a crush on one of my former coaches. This has been no secret to anyone who knows me and I am even positive that he knows as well. All throughout high school we have had a special relationship—a “Father and Daughter” relationship as he would describe it. But I’ve always been sure that there was something more unspoken between us.

For instance, during games or whenever we were in the same room he would always stare at me, although very discreetly. It’s the way that he stares sometimes. I can’t help but blush or shy away. Also, he would go out of his way to speak with me—interrupting conversations that I am having with others or finding ways to accommodate me. Often he would ask about my status with some of my male peers. And even after I graduated he let me know to email him to stay in contact so he’ll know how things are going with me.

One incident that stands out so vividly in my mind happened at my last volleyball game of my high school career. He was sitting way in the stands. I remained on the bench the entire game. Upset we lost the game and that I didn’t even get to play, I stormed out of the gym and into the nearest restroom. Just shortly after I went in a female teacher—who’s one of his closest friends—came in after me to let me know that he was standing outside the door and wanted to speak with me. (This teacher was also aware of my fondness for him.) I quickly pulled myself together and met him outside the door. The fact that he came after me and noticed my exit out of a gym meant a lot to me. He then talked to me and his face was just inches from mine. That’s when I heard “I love you to death..like a daughter, of course.” I’ve heard him call me his daughter before even though he’s white and I am African American. And I even heard him tell me that he loved me before, but when he spoke with me outside the  restroom something about the way he spoke with me told me there was something more to it. Could I be wrong?

To this very day I visit the high school and the girls in the school’s volleyball program. The first person I notice is him when I walk through those doors. I notice that he notices me too but he tries not to seem phased by my presence. Sometimes he doesn’t even talk to me. He just holds conversations with other people and steals glances from a distance. Though we still email each other I can’t seem to understand why things may be so awkward for him.

Am I delusional? Can there be something more? Is this mutual attraction all in my head? Or can he be conflicted because he’s a teacher, coach, husband, and newly father.

Ash

Dear Ash,

Thanks for your question. We’re surprised we haven’t gotten a question like this before.

Relationships between coaches and players—or teachers and students—have clearly defined parameters. Coaches have to be very careful not to cross these parameters if they want to keep their job, or stay out of jail. We’re sure you’ve seen plenty of cases on the news of coaches losing sight of those very clear boundaries and ending up ruining their lives and the lives of all the people who love them.

From what you describe your instincts could be right. It’s possible there could be a mutual attraction. (But we don’t really know. We can only go by what you’re saying.) Players often have crushes on their coaches. They see someone who’s strong, confident, knowledgeable, and maybe even good looking and they start to fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person. (Because those particular characteristics ARE attractive, especially to young women coached by an older guy.) And on the flipside, men see beautiful, athletic, young women running around in shorts and tee shirts and it’s only natural for them to recognize this beauty, and be attracted to it.

But it should NEVER go any further than that. It can’t. And if it does, that’s when trouble starts and lives get ruined.

Coaches especially need to be cognizant of the affect they might have on their players and not take advantage of this power. Although this happens all the time in our society. Think rock stars, artists, athletes, etc. But teachers and coaches, whom parents have entrusted with their children, have to be extra diligent about keeping to their clearly defined roles.

We can’t say whether or not he’s actually attracted to you, but it’s clear he’s fond of you. He says he thinks of you like a daughter, so we think you need to take him at his word. And OF COURSE the whole situation is awkward for him. He might care for you but he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s crossing the line, so he has to be guarded. And frankly, he has everything to lose by doing anything more than what he’s doing. He’s a husband and father and he needs to always keep that in mind as he carries himself in the world.

So Ash, it’s fine to have a crush on your coach but you need to leave it right where it is. We realize you really want to know if he also has feelings for you, but we think you need to put this aside and start focusing your energy on men your own age. And be happy you have a mentor/father who cares for you.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

This post will appear on both the “Ask the Guys” page and the “Fatherhood/Parenting” page. It seems appropriate for both.

And now, in addition to answering relationship questions, THE GUYS will also be fielding parenting questions. If you’re looking for an objective view about a parenting situation you’re having, we are happy to offer our humble opinion. Don’t consider this advice per se, because we certainly have many questions ourselves. But we—”our collective parenting experience”—might be able to offer some insight into your problem. And if nothing else, it’s another opinion for you to consider.

So ask away. Don’t be shy.

Dear Guys,

My son is 26 and has been dating a woman who is 33 for the last 7 months. She has three kids of her own.

I dont understand how he can throw his life away? He will never have children with her because she already has three. But he says he loves her.

Any advice?

Upset Mom

Dear Upset Mom,

Thanks for your question. We can certainly speak to this topic from both sides. (Some of us have chosen your son’s path and some of us are parents.)

As parents we want our kids to have a great life. We want them to get an education, land a great job, find a loving partner, have their own kids, and grow old—surrounded by a support system of wonderful people including their kids. In essence we want them to live the lives we’ve lived—or are living—but only better. And this is completely natural and understandable. We’re right there with you.

However, you know as well as we do, that this isn’t how it works. Think about your own choices and how they may have clashed with your own parents’ hopes and dreams for you? At least on our end there has always been, and still is, a healthy dose of conflict with our parents, as we fumble and claw our way through this life. Not to get all existential on you, but isn’t that what the human existence is all about? It’s a continuum. We try our best, make mistakes, grow wiser—hopefully—and just as we think, maybe just maybe, we’ve figured out a little something, it’s time for us to leave this earth.

Your son is doing exactly that. He’s making the best choices he can make for where he’s at on the continuum of learning. Sure it’s easy for us to offer this viewpoint sitting here on the sidelines, but actually we do know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

So what are you saying to your son? Are you giving him a hard time about this? Because if you are, you’re putting your relationship with him at risk. And for what? No matter what you say he’s going to do what he thinks is right for him. This is not a guy thing. This is a human thing. He has accrued a certain amount of information in his life that he carries around in a metaphorical bag. This bag of experiences informs him every day. And so he can only make decisions based on the experiences he has already. Maybe in five years, ten years he’ll look back and wonder what the heck he was thinking. But right now, he can only make decisions based on his previous experiences. And for him a relationship with this woman seems like a good thing right now.

So you have two choices.

1. Try to accept this as best you can and support him. If he ultimately chooses this path then at least you’ll be with him as he moves forward with his life. And if he does break it off with her, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet, with your relationship still intact.

2. You can continue to be against this choice and draw a line in the sand by letting him know he’s making a mistake. But then you’ll miss out on being part of his life because he’ll shut you out. Sure, if you must tell him how you feel, say it once, and once only. But after that one time, if you continue, he’s going to push you out of his life. And if he does break up with her, he’s going to remember how you treated him—mainly that you didn’t trust him to make his own decisions—and hold that against you. Your relationship will be in serious jeopardy, and will likely be forever altered. And we honestly don’t think you want that, do you?

Guys especially need a purpose in life. For some it’s a great career. For others it’s a family to take care of. And for some, it’s bedding as many women as they can. And guys struggle with this. Some choose one purpose only to realize it’s not what ultimately makes them happy, and then they do a complete 180.

It’s very possible this is not your son’s “final stop” on the continuum. As we said before we’ve been on both sides of this. And we’ve seen it work out to varying degrees. A dear friend of ours married a woman with three kids and couldn’t be happier—much happier than many who have chosen the conventional life. Others have dated women with kids only to break up after a time.

So please think long and hard about how you want to proceed from here on out. We understand you’re sad, frustrated, and probably a bit angry. All the time and energy you spent raising your son, only for him to choose this path?! We don’t think there’s a parent on this earth that would choose this particular path for their child. But all parents would choose happiness for their kids.

Remember, the relationship you’ve built with your son is everything. Don’t throw it away over this. He needs you now as much as he’s always needed you. And that will never change, unless you create a situation where he doesn’t trust you anymore.

So hang in there. You might be surprised at what happens. Most relationships don’t last, especially when complicated by more than two people. But when they do, they were meant to.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. (If they have any relationship or parenting questions.) And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right of each page.) It does take time to answer questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. Thanks!

Readers: Please share your opinions. Or experiences.

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Will he ever leave his marriage for me? 

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

AJ

Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button.)

Some recent questions:

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Divorced woman w/kids dating bachelors in their 40s

Dear Guys,

So I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now.  We work together which only makes it worse because his wife works in the same place. When this all started I was married and he approached me. Then, he told me he and his wife of only a few months got separated. He said the only thing left to do was file the papers.

Since then I have divorced my husband. The problem now is that my boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants to do because he is very religious and doesn’t “believe in divorce.”  He says he loves me and promises things are going to get better but it’s hard because we have to remain hidden. When I complain about things he tells me if it’s too much I should just walk away from all of it and he will understand.

His wife has now moved back into their home and I see them talking at work. He thinks I am overreacting when I say anything about this. What is really going on here?? Does he really not know what he wants to do or am I going to just be stuck as the “other woman” until I finally walk away from this situation?  I have invested so much of my life into him and this relationship based on what he tells me but I’m tired of being a secret and even more tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.

What should I do??

Chelle

Dear Chelle,

Thanks for your question.

When you say you’ve invested so much of your life on this guy, what exactly do you mean? You’ve only been with him a year or so. Are you saying that you feel regret for divorcing your husband because you fell in love with this new man? And now that your new boyfriend is not following through you’re feeling even more regret?

So let’s first put your mind at ease. Obviously something wasn’t working with your marriage long before this guy entered your life, or you wouldn’t have been “open” to meeting someone new. And although we believe it’s best to figure out whether or a relationship is working or not working before getting involved with someone new, we also understand that life is messy, and sometimes things happen.

Obviously this guy is conflicted about what he wants to do. From our perspective it seems while the two of you were both still married he was content to have an affair with you because that’s all it was. But now that you’re single and available, and wanting him to commit, he doesn’t seem ready to make any sort of decision about leaving his marriage. Citing “religious reasons” is just an excuse. And the fact that he says he would understand if you walked away makes us wonder why he’s not willing to do whatever it takes to make this work?

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. It’s a complete upheaval of everything a person knows. It’s scary and uncertain, and frankly, not everyone is up for the task, even if they are unhappy. This man may not be strong enough to do this, at least in the timeframe that you would like.

We think your instincts are right. If he was serious about you he wouldn’t be keeping the relationship a secret. And he wouldn’t keep making excuses. You need to have a very direct discussion with him about what you need from the relationship. If he’s not willing or able to give you those things you might need to make some tough decisions. But please don’t fret over what you’ve invested in this. The time and energy you’ve given to this relationship is all part of the learning process. And you seem like a strong enough person that you’ll be able to move forward if for some reason this does not work out the way you hope.

Relationships are a two way street. They constantly need feeding and nurturing in order for them to flourish. Both people need to be invested. If your man is not willing to give to this relationship now, it’s unlikely he’ll ever be able to. But you’re going to have to figure that one out yourself by talking with him. And be completely honest.

Please keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And consider a donation to THE GUYS. (Paypal button) It’s the holidays you know! Thanks.

“Ann Raider: Staying the course” by Saelen Ghose

It’s a quiet morning, still dark outside. A light is on, in an office, where someone is sitting. Thinking. Creating. Problem solving. Looking for every angle to propel her company forward into an uncertain sea, littered with the remains of companies who have lost their way in one way or another. This person summons all of the knowledge she’s acquired over her long and storied career as a businesswoman and entrepreneur for a single purpose: to make her current company successful. This person is Ann Raider, CEO of inStream Media.

When I found out her office was in Wellesley I was thrilled to not have to deal with the traffic and parking hassles of driving into Boston. (Sure, I love going into Boston, like most people, but preferably in small doses.) This choice of location was intentional. Raider’s team lives out on the 128 belt, all relatively near the office. She wants them happy, because a stress free team means a more creative and productive team. Which is also why she has an open door policy to her personal office, where a carefully placed candy jar invitingly sits—in case anyone needs a “pick-me-up” during the day. Or an excuse to talk.

Ann Raider’s entrepreneurial journey began at an early age. “I come from a family of entrepreneurs,” says Raider. “My grandfather was a single store supermarket operator. My dad ran an institutional baking company, and my uncle had a candy company.” Growing up in an environment where people ran and operated businesses independently led Raider to business school at Michigan State where she graduated in 1970. Which begs the question: what was it like for a woman at that time to be part of a male dominated business world?

“Fifty percent of my business school class wouldn’t speak to me,” says Raider. “They weren’t sure why I was there. When my roommate and I went out to look for jobs we had to interview with far more companies than the rest of our [male] classmates because most places didn’t think we were serious about getting jobs. They didn’t think we were serious about our careers. Back then women had to work longer hours to show that they could get the job done. We had to prove we were more effective than our counterparts because we were women.”

Forty years later there’s no doubt about Raider’s ability and staying power. Preceding her current position as CEO of inStream Media (www.instreamglobal.com)she served as CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) of Vertis Inc. from 2005 to 2007. There she oversaw Vertis’ goal to help clients more effectively market and advertise their products. Before that she was SVP (Senior Vice President) of sales and marketing at News America Marketing. She also co-founded CCMI, a leading international loyalty-marketing firm which later sold to News America Marketing. The list of her accomplishments goes on and on. Stand down “doubting Thomases,” as she calls the people who once questioned her passion, smarts, and longevity.

Right place. Right time. Right Message. This is one of inStream’s slogans. The marketing services company helps other companies interact with consumers inside stores and out. “We distribute targeted messages for retailers and national advertisers through multiple touch points. The foundation of our company is printing on the front of a receipt, a message with a call to action and an offer.” I blurt out, “Like CVS does?” It’s the only company I can think of at that moment. She smiles. “Yes, only we do it with graphics.” But more importantly, Raider says, inStream is agnostic—an interesting choice of words. “We can point the message to a printed receipt or an e-receipt. We can point it to a mobile phone, we can send it to a website, or we can send it via email. We can do any of that.”

The founders of inStream envisioned messages displayed with graphics on every receipt in America. So when Raider was brought on board as CEO in 2008, she identified that as the core business. So far, inStream has printed several billion receipts. But Raider realized the path to ultimately making a purchase is in constant flux. Customers might research a product online and then purchase it in the store. Or they might see something in the store, and then call an 800 number to get it. “If they’re a digital shopper you might give them a different message than an in-store shopper,” says Raider. “In essence we’re in the content management business. We know how to send messages, but it’s more about identifying how customers would like to be talked to.” Perhaps a few words should be added to the inStream slogan: Right Person. Ann Raider. It seems inStream is also good at identifying talent.

Amazingly enough, Raider still has enough energy to give back to the business community even after the long hours she puts in at the office, and at home. She is committed to helping young female entrepreneurs succeed in the business world. She was one of the twenty founding members of The Network of Executive Women, an organization devoted to the advancement of women in the retail and consumer products industry. She is also a guest lecturer at Babson Entrepreneurial School.

The only thing missing for Raider personally is a better balance of work and fun, which is difficult to do when running a company. “The work environment at inStream is intense because everyone cares about doing the right thing,” says Raider. “A lot of us work very long hours. We want the business to be successful. It’s like raising a child. There’s an obligation to grow this person.”

Well, raising a child is a 24 hour a day endeavor, and Raider understands the commitment it takes to be successful. Long after many of the doubting Thomases have retired, or burned out, she is still at it, light on, solving problems, thinking creatively, meeting goals, and preparing for what’s next.

Contact Saelen for memoirs, ghostwriting, and obits at: sghose@theguysperspective.com.

Read some of his other interviews:

Matt Lauzon: The relationship Guy

Jules Pieri: Daily Grommet 

Matthew Growney: Connecting the unconnected 

Jason Gracilieri: Turning Art 

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call? 

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Military long distance relationship

I like a gay guy; what do I do?

Dear Guys,

I’m 41 and have been divorced a year .  I have two girls ages 7 & 5. Following my divorce I had a relationship with a man who was 43 and never married. That relationship lasted 10 months.

When we broke up my next “fix up” from friends was basically the same guy only he was 40. The first relationship was actually a relationship, but it was obvious he wouldn’t get too close. He lived an hour away so we only saw each other abaout 1-2x a week. The second one lives in my town and has evolved into a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Do all men in their 40s who have never been married have similar relationship issues?  Should I simply run from them all?  It just seems that is a sign that they aren’t cut out for relationships.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thanks for your question.

These two guys you’re describing—two guys in their 40s who have never been married—probably behaved exactly the same way when they were in their 20s. Meaning if you had met these two guys twenty years ago you may have had a very similar experience with both of them. And back then, the experience might have even been more frustrating because you would have wondered why they were having commitment issues, and then you’d likely start to question what was wrong with you.

What we’re saying is there are just as many guys in their 20s who are not looking for a committed relationship than in their 40s. But when those particular guys are in their 20s they are mixed in with all the other single guys, so they tend to blend in. By the time the 40 year mark comes around, many guys are married or in long term relationships, which leaves the perpetual single guys to stand out more.

We will admit that this particular demographic is less likely to be looking for a long term relationship, or marriage. But we wouldn’t necessarily characterize them as having “relationship issues.”

What are the reasons a guy might still be single in his 40s?

1. He wants to be single.

2. He is emotionally unavailable. Translation: Self-centered.

3. He doesn’t want the burden of kids. Or family.

4. He is constantly looking for a younger, better looking woman.

5. The opposite gender does not find him attractive. (Could mean physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually)

6. He is very shy.

7. Just hasn’t met the one yet. But wants to.

8. His very serious long term relationship didn’t work out. (The woman had commitment “issues.” Or was emotionally unavailable.)

9. Divorced.

10. Widower

And if each of these groups represents a percentage of the whole, it’s obvious which guys will be interested in a serious relationship and which won’t. And, if our calculations are correct—hold on we’re getting our calculator out…just a moment—that means that around 50% of guys in their 40s would be good possibilities for you to date. (You might need to expand your dating circle a bit.)

Our advice: When you meet someone new take it slow. Talk to them as much as possible and see where their head’s at. Relationships tend to progress faster when people are a little older, so you need to be aware of this and consciously slow things down.

We hope this helps.

Good luck and keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And we’ll respond here. Also feel free to ask us any specific questions as they arise.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button on right side of any page.)

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call? 

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Military long distance relationship

Hi Guys,

I’m a freshman girl in college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and never dated anyone. I think the reason I’m still single is because I’m kind of shy and quiet and I rarely hang out with guys. However, I’m very involved on campus.

A couple of months ago I became friends with a cute and smart guy in the same student organization and he was very open about his sexual orientation. He is the perfect friend that anyone can have. He’s funny, charming, smart, and I can hang out with him and even talk about boys!

At first, we were good friends and hung out a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous when he talks about another guy. He’s very popular so he probably considers me no more special than any other friend. I’m usually the one to invite him out and rarely the other way around. I miss him when I can’t see him for a day. I think about him all the time. I eventually realize that I like him more than a friend. I also notice that sometimes I try to look attractive around him or try to keep him entertained. I know it’ll always be platonic but I really don’t know what I should do.

Can you please help me?

Sara

Dear Sara,

Thanks for your question.

Well this is exciting for you. No, not the fact that you like someone who is unavailable to you, but the fact that you’ve entered into a new realm. You’re having an awakening, which comes with a myriad of new emotions and feelings, some wonderful and some confusing.

You said yourself, you’ve never had a boyfriend or dated anyone, but in a way this guy is your first, because he’s inadvertently helped you come out of your shell. Without knowing it, he’s opened you up to a new world of queasy stomachs, butterflies and crushes.

We suggest you focus less on your feelings for him—he’s not going to change his sexual orientation—and start being open to meeting other interesting and smart guys, for which there are plenty.

Try to enjoy the friendship with this guy without trying to get him to notice you in other ways. And since he is so popular and knows so many people, maybe he’ll be the one to introduce you to someone else who you find just as exciting and cool. Keep doing what you’re doing. Say yes to invitations, join other organizations, and keep yourself open to new possibilities. This is all good.

Please leave us a follow up comment here in the comments section. And keep us posted. We’d love to hear how things are going with you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Some recent questions:

Contemplating a long distance relationship; Could we be something more? 

Why did we really break up?

I cheated on him; should I tell him?

Divorced and now online dating; Am I booty call or more?

Does this older guy like me?

Is this an online romance or an online booty call? 

Office relationship problem

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex-boyfriend still love me? 

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for about a year and a half with about a two years long distance where we see each other about every six months. We’re both in the military and stationed apart now. Before he left he asked me to marry him and I told him yes of course. I was happy and he seemed happy. But the more I talked about the upcoming wedding the more I could see that he was not so happy anymore even though he said over and over he meant it. So I stopped talking about it.

A little over a year later we brought up marriage again and agreed that we both wanted to get married and have been thinking about it. Also it’s certain we will not be stationed together without being married at this point which means we’d have to wait until the end of my enlistment in 2014 to be together. But we decided to plan to get married 6 months later on our leave. It was very exciting. He said I could plan everything since he didn’t really care too much.(About the plans)

Our leave came and for the first three days he ignored me. Nothing more than kisses and maybe holding hands. Which is odd since we hadn’t seen each other in 6 months. He took off his ring when we went to his hometown saying he just hadn’t pulled it out after security. Eventually I knew this was not true. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t ready to get married and that we wanted two different things. He was scared about messing it up and messing up our future children or having them too soon. I told him that we could wait a couple years to have kids if he wanted. (Yes I want them but I want to have them together.) So we decided to see if it was just anxiety or if he really couldn’t go through with it since the wedding was scheduled to happen in a few days.

A couple days passed and I brought the subject up again. This caused him to get angry saying we already discussed the subject. I was confused and hurt. I told him this. We went through this cycle for a little over a week. In the end I gave him four days to think over everything and get back to me with a definite answer.

By the third day I was thinking it was all okay. I was thinking if we don’t get married right now we can always get married later. Before this day came I noticed messages from a girl like ‘i miss your touch’ and started to ask about her first indirectly then directly. And on this day I was sitting next to him and I saw him message her ‘mm i love your kisses.’ I first asked him if he loved me and he said yes of course. Then I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. He said “That’s why I asked you, but I’m just not ready.” So then I asked about his message. This made him defensive and he tried to break up then. After a few minutes he changed his mind and promised to get me a new ring and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Prior to my departing back to my station we decided to think about the whole marriage thing and in December we would come together on the subject and decide to maybe set a date in the future and tell our families. (This time we were just going to elope). All good.

A couple weeks after I got back I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and he was scared. (Which is normal I guess.) But he started coming around and we could talk about the baby together and the future. At my appointment just shy of ten weeks I found out I had lost the baby. Since then I’ve been in a very depressive state and we have been arguing a lot now.

Now it’s been about two weeks since we lost hope for our baby and he says we need a break…then that we are breaking up…then that it’s not breaking up but a break. After 2.5 hours of talking and crying he agreed to give us a chance to fix things since it wasn’t fair and he didn’t really want to break up. He just was tired of the arguing and making me cry.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think we were so close to the breaking point. I can see how though. We’ve been lashing out at each other and I know we’re both hurting. I think our biggest problem is communication. We’re fighting because we can’t find out how to communicate how we feel to each other. He’s not very open with his feelings and usually I am not either but I’ve been very open with him because I love him and don’t want to lose him. He says he loves me very much and has never loved anyone like he loves me and wants us to work.

Really I don’t know how to move on or how to help him. I wish I did.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Thanks for writing to us.

First of all we want to say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a baby during pregnancy is a traumatic event for a woman and a couple to go through. And it’s especially difficult if the relationship itself is a bit uncertain or strained.

And overall, that’s how we feel about this. You keep imploring him to make decisions that he’s not ready to make. Or maybe he is ready to make some decisions but he’s so worried about your reaction, that he’s not willing to tell you what’s really on his mind. You need to pull back and start letting him make some of his own decisions. You need to listen to what he truly wants, because in the end, you want him to be honest. Because if he’s 100% on board with this relationship things will be great. If he’s not 100% on board, eventually you’ll grow resentful and at some point the whole relationship will unravel.

The best way you can help him Gloria—and help yourself—is allowing him the freedom to make his own choices. Which means if he doesn’t want to get married you need to honor that. We’re not saying he doesn’t, but you’re not getting honest answers from him because he is under emotional duress—you’re crying and he doesn’t want to hurt you. And it’s possible he’s just not ready to even think about marriage right now, but he might be open to it some time down the road. The two of you are relatively young still and it sometimes takes guys a little longer to understand what they truly want.

We understand how difficult it is to be separated from the person you love. And we can see how much you want to be with this man. Being in a long distance relationship is trying and can cause even the most confident person to feel insecure, especially if their partner is not that communicative. But as difficult as it may be, you can’t let those feeling of insecurity invade your relationship. We get the sense that this marriage—in addition to finally being stationed together—is a way for you to be sure about the relationship. It’s a way for you to guarantee you’ll be together. We get this. We really do. It’s totally normal to feel this way. But even if you do get married there are no guarantees it will last, especially he feels forced into it.

We think you need to sit with this a bit and think about what you really want. Is it this guy? And is it this guy even if he’s uncertain about getting married? Or is it marriage in general? Or is it having security? Be honest with yourself and really give it some thought.

And at the same time you need to give your guy some space to think about what he really wants. He needs to be able to make that decision while he’s apart from you. There’s no way he can make an honest decision if he’s with you and you’re upset. It’s obvious he cares for you a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married to you.

So when is your next visit?

We think you both need some space to think about all of this. And then come together in a few months or so and really have an honest talk with one another. It may turn out that this is all a timing issue and that down the road the two of you will be together. But you’re not going to find out anything if you don’t give him some space and time to do some soul searching and see what he really wants. And you’ll be happier either way, even if it’s more difficult now.

Please feel free to ask us a follow up question now, or in the future as this progresses. And/or leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted please. We’re pulling for you no matter how this turns out.

Take care,

THE GUYS