Dating an older guy: Why is he afraid?

• One of the Guys 2013-05-11 05:30:47 said:

  @Natasha........Problems are problems. No worries there. Take care.

• Natasha 2013-05-10 15:01:10 said:

  Hmm, thought so. And, sorry for coming with such juvenile problems... *sigh* thanks :) Cheers!

• One of the Guys 2013-05-10 09:30:22 said:

  @Natasha....If you initiate make it very casual. But if you do, let him take up the reigns after that. Tread carefully. He's got a girlfriend. Good luck.

• Natasha 2013-05-09 11:00:29 said:

  Hey Guys! I took your advice and deleted the chatroom guy :) So anyway, I've come with yet another dilemma, this time it's about a guy in most of my lectures in University. I always catch him looking my way and whenever I want to smile at him, he looks away. I actually find that very odd because he can talk to any other girl with the utmost ease but he hasn't even said a single word to me. I spoke about this to my friend and she seems to think that he likes me because she's also observed what I have. Thing is; he already has a girlfriend and I don't want to be the "other woman", but I think I really do like him. He almost always says something in class and gives relevant answers and feedback to the lecturers questions. Do you think I should go up and talk to him to initiate some sort of friendship and see where that goes, or do you think that I should wait for him to come up to me first?

• One of the Guys 2013-03-01 08:25:29 said:

  @Louise.......He may be protecting himself a little, but believe or not, he's trying to protect you. He has valid concerns. You're young, and he doesn't want you to resent him for "stealing your youth." Maybe not now, but in five years, or whenever. He wants you to be 100% excited and committed and he wishes he could feel better about dating you. That's why he says, "I can't believe you're only 19, etc." On the flip side, all of this might be an excuse. His hot/cold actions aren't good, especially since he's hot before sex, and then cold after. (Not the best sign, although a dip in hormones is pretty normal. But it's the way that this guy deals with the dip that's troubling. Going cold.) We don't think you should bail just yet, but it might be time to have some serious conversations about all of your concerns. You've got nothing to lose. If he freaks out, and says he doesn't want anything more serious, sell, then you have that information to work from. It's better than wondering. That said, it's possible that the age difference is going to be too much for him. Keep us posted.

• Louise 2013-02-28 18:14:59 said:

  Hey i was just wondering if you could help, I can relate the first story above and i'm pretty much desperate for some help that actually works. I am 20/21 and have been on/off involved with this guy who's 35 now for almost 2 years. To cut a long and frustratiing story short, we were more friends who were clearly attracted to each other but were busy for the first year of us knowing eachother..well with life, he never pressured me into sex (although i am insanely attracted to him so it was difficult for me to not initiate it ). A year into knowing eachother (after id been away for a couple months) we started meeting up more frequently and slept together eventually; despite having had a conversation a week prior with him explaining how he wasn't sure we should sleep together as it could 'change things'. It's probably here where i should mention his past. He s been cheated on by a previous fiance and since had an affair with a married woman who never chose him.(no relationship since as far as i am aware) So it's safe to say he has developed trust issues because of that. He d been very on and off before we'd slept together and it was clear that age was a concern for him at the beginning as he often brought up 'there's no way you are 19, you just can't be' ...that sort of thing. I was euphoric that we'd actually slept together and expected it to be a frequent thing ( albeit maybe a non commital arrangement) He automatically went cold after; a common action that began to occur pretty much after every night we spent together for the next six month.( as inconsistent as it was) Draining. It got to the stage where after a couple months (having met all his friends)I had had enough and decided to explain how i was looking for a relationship and if this wasn't heading that way then i'd rather not continue. His response was along the lines of the 'stealing my youth' and 'you don't know what you want'. Which is funny because it's not me who's uncertain ,it's him. I argued that i was willling to wait around for a year ( not having slept or seen anyone else, despite offers) so what makes him think i'm going anywhere. Weeks passed without hearing from him, i gave him space and asked him to think about what i'd said. He then (without discussing it with me) decided to make a sudden turn around, become more affectionate, invite me over to Boxing Day lunch with his mum and sister (that i couldn't make unforunately) and bought me an expensive christmas gift. I even got called his 'girlfriend' by his friends infront of him without any correction. Again... after all this 'progress'. He went cold, didn't take me up on any of my offers to come over (i can be quite 'horny' at times so often think he might see me as having 'one interest') I d thought about giving up many times but once i try to ignore him, he ll always contact me first asking or even hassling me to see if i'm ok, i once even got 15 drunk missed calls. Come January (a month after the first email id sent about how I felt) I just had had enough of the mixed signals and decided to explain how i felt.e.g It would go from sleeping together one night, to being invited over to watch a film...but actually sit and watch a film (with no affection what so ever not even a kisss, ultimate friends zone) His response was along the lines of 'I just think that if we were to be together, two years or so down the line you d be like 'what the fuck am i doing?' and get up and leave'- obviously his insecurity not mine. Then when i try to explain that i cannot be just 'his friend' and that at first if i saw him on the highstreet (he works 200 metres down from me) that i'd have to ignore him.. his response:'well im not having that, that's not fair , i want to be there for you when you need me' I just ended the conversation with him understanding this was somewhat of an ultimatum and again asked him to think about it as i was away for a long weekend. Get home; he s the first to contact me but with nothing about our chat. Id stupidly let it slide stayed over a couple times and since then we just fell back into the same cycle. Most recently (ive deactivated my fb) and didnt tell him as i wasn't sure he used fb alot, he went mental asking why id deleted him and that i was lying when id said id deactivated it.. hint of true colour; eg paranoia? Either way... if i was just a 'friend' im pretty sure there wouldn't be this sort of a reaction ( and if the tables were turned, i would have been labelled a psycho) Basically I am stuck , yet again. I know i should leave it's what any normal person would do. However we really get on , he s incredibly attractive to me (i am very picky )has the potential to be amazing in bed (has a sensitive problem in that area)has a large group of friends (all with partners) i understand and accept his past and find him funny. He has acted in ways that don't match his words...and im wondering if there's any point in sticking around or whether he ll react if i leave? for good! Any questions are welcome as a lot has happened in 2 years that ive tried to cover the basics of.

• One of the Guys 2012-12-16 07:31:21 said:

  @Stella.......Well, this is a nice surprise. Thanks for letting us know. We hope it continues. And we're glad your situation was one of the exceptions. There's not much that's ever completely black and white. However, think about this. Without calling him out and telling him you were going to move on, this situation wouldn't have happened. So maybe you didn't want to do what "typical" 18 year-olds do, but you did deserve a proper relationship, and really that's what we were talking about anyway. "Stealing your youth" isn't about rock shows and late night binge drinking, it's about already having experienced it for himself, and then you missing out. Keep us posted and have fun.

• Stella 2012-12-15 19:46:28 said:

  Here I am, almost a year later ! Thought you might want to hear the end of the story ? I'll quickly sum up what happened. The situation I had described to you lasted until June : I couldn't bear the situation anymore, and I had met another guy who really liked me, I thought it was a good occasion to move on. I told the guy I was "seeing" that it had to stop, that I wanted a healthy relationship and that I had met somebody who wished to treat me the way I deserved to be. And the guy burst into tears, told me he loved me and regretted the way things had turned out, and that he wanted to have a brand new start. I was seriously doubting that things could change, but I still wanted to believe it could. I must admit things were a little awkward in the beginning. We had never been on an actual date at the time, how fucked up was that. Eventually the awkward feeling went away. I honestly can't remember it now, and I don't ever want to remember it ; things are completely different today. We've been together for 6 months now and I don't think I've ever been happier. I've met his friends and they don't judge me/my age, we get along well. He has met my parents. We almost live together. I swear it couldn't be more perfect. Donkey's right, I don't feel like I'm "missing out on my youth" at all. I understand that it can happen to other people, but I think it all depends on the situation, and on the people involved. Same goes for the "moving from a fwb situation to a proper relationship" question : most of the time, this is just out of question.. But in some situations it can work. I am living proof. However girls/guys should still be careful and see the warning signs when someone (especially older !) is just trying to take advantage of them.. Exceptions like mine exist, but I'm fully aware of the fact that they're rare. So you guys were right about the fact that he was the main problem at the time. However the "do what 18 yo do" was not a really good piece of advice for me (sleeping around ? Booze ? Meh.. my boyfriend and I go to hard rock shows, we play chess, we spend nights in town..and that suits me just fine ! I mean being a bit older and having a job doesn't mean being dead and boring, does it ;) ? ), but you're forgiven, as your message had helped me at the time. Thank you.

• D 2012-11-17 14:37:32 said:

  Okay thanks :)

• One of the Guys 2012-11-17 03:56:21 said:

  @D......You do it Face-to-Face because that's the right thing to do. You do it during the day because emotions run higher at night. And you stand your ground. You don't have to be mean, but you have to be firm and you have to be honest. "I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you anymore." (That type of thing.) Who knows how he'll react but it probably will be emotional. Stay firm. It will feel mean, but it's the best way. Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

• D 2012-11-16 23:01:24 said:

  So I wann break up with him but I don't know how to because I've never Broken up with someone this I my first relationship. But I don't have feelings for him I dunno how to break it to him

• d 2012-11-12 14:09:51 said:

  okay will do thanks

• One of the Guys 2012-11-10 22:51:21 said:

  @D......Well, keep us posted. There's not much we can say right now. You need to figure out if you are even interested. It sounds like you're very mixed. And if he's constantly telling you to see other guys then we can see why.

• D 2012-11-10 22:26:58 said:

  We've been dating for 2 months and a bit it hasn't been very long . And I don't really know how I feel about him anymore but there are still some feeling there

• One of the Guys 2012-11-10 21:56:23 said:

  @d...Maybe you should take him up on his offer? He seems pretty insecure. Do you really like him? How long have you been dating? We need more information in order to give you a thorough answer.

• d 2012-11-10 13:42:57 said:

  im dating an older guy we are 9 years apart and im pretty sure hes getting scared, because pretty much everytime i see him he tells me i can leave him for another guy. what should i do?

• One of the Guys 2012-10-26 14:19:23 said:

  @Natasha......You're welcome. And good to know. Take care of yourself. And thanks for spreading the word.

• Natasha 2012-10-26 14:03:45 said:

  Thanks so much guys =) And I will do so. The chatroom is actually on MXit (I'm from South Africa) and I will definitely be more careful in the future... Cheers!

• One of the Guys 2012-10-26 13:57:13 said:

  @Natasha......The more you talk about this the more we say, run the other way. And in the future, be wary of chat rooms and other online forums/etc. A credible online dating site is okay, but these other places are full of strange people and possibly predators. We're not saying everyone that goes there is one, but just you need to be very careful with this sort of thing, especially as a young lady. We're glad you trusted your gut and didn't send those pictures. Good for you. Keep us posted on how you are and come back and ask another question anytime. ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. We'd very much appreciate it. Thanks! Have a good weekend.

• Natasha 2012-10-26 13:35:39 said:

  Yes, he has asked me for pictures of my privates and I haven't sent them to him because I wasn't comfortable with that and he seemed to understand. But, almost everytime we speak it somehow always goes back to that topic... Anywho, thank you so much for your advice! I really needed someone else's opinion for me to gain perspective. :)

• One of the Guys 2012-10-26 12:45:34 said:

  @Natasha........Be very, very careful. There are red-flags flying high here. First of all you're too young for him and he knows it. A seven year difference is fine when you're in your late twenties/early thirties, but not now. And who knows how old he really is? Seriously. Another red-flag is that he won't send you pictures. He probably knows you won't approve. Has he asked you to send him pictures? If so, we'd decline. The other red flag is the time of day, and the fact that he gets online with only one thing on his mind. Our advice: Move on. Forget this guy. Finish your last year of school, and then go off to college/uni and try to meet someone there. At least you'll know who they really are. What do you think?

• Natasha 2012-10-26 11:58:10 said:

  Hi there So, I met this guy in a chatroom and we've been talking for a little over 6 months now. He's 24 and I'm 17 turning 18 a little later in the year. He says he likes me and he's really sweet and everything but he refuses to send me his picture. He also only calls me late at night which makes me feel like his booty call but he doesn't seem to see it that way. The other problem I have is that he only ever comes online between 22h00 and 00h00 and almost always has one thing on his mind. He said that he would be my date to my prom but as the day grew nearer, he avoided me until recently. He said he really likes me and thinks I'm cute and wants to meet me but he hasn't set a date for it yet. I'm going to be attending university in the city he lives in next year and he says that that will be perfect because then we can really get to know each other. I'm a little nervous though because I'm a virgin and I think he just wants sex from me... What are your thoughts on the matter?

• One of the Guys 2012-09-25 21:15:56 said:

  @Annalise........We imagine he's a bit uncomfortable with the age gap. If you were 35 and he was 42 it would be no big deal at all, but for the life stages you both are at, it kind of is a big deal. The law may say one thing, but he knows the real deal. (That it wouldn't be right.) So we'll answer your question with that in mind. It seems to us that he likes you. But since he only dates girls that are 18 or older, he's probably waiting a year. Also factoring into his decision is the family connection you have. He wouldn't want either family wondering why he was robbing the cradle. Our advice: Do not make any move right now. Let him initiate all of it. And then see where it goes. Be patient. Question: So what is it that you want? Do you want a serious relationship, or do you want to have fun? Because we doubt very highly that even when you do turn 18, he'll be looking for something serious. Your thoughts? ps. Please let your friends know about our site. Please share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Annalise 2012-09-25 18:22:44 said:

  Okay, so there's this guy I work with I've worked with him for over a year, but over the past four months we've become closer. And I'm 90% sure he likes me. He would do such things as catching him staring, smiling, always asking if I'm okay? Using pet names such as: Annie, Anna, Annabell, Annafuck e.c.t and uses my name a lot! He's tried impressing me by driving fast, telling me how he was a real sports star back at school e.c.t. Getting me to feel his face after a shave, getting our friend to get a picture of us. One thing I really loved that he did was when we was out and I was drunk he offered me a pair of his socks so I could take my heels off then put them on my feet because I couldn't do it. We both comfort each other when we have problems and he's always told me if I have a problem text him. Thing is he hasn't made a move yet, not even when I've been so drunk, yet he made a remark to our friend that I tried kissing him? He's 24 this sunday and I'm only 17, the law in our country is 16. Is he worried about the age gap? He once asked me when I was 18 then made a comment basically stating that he only dates girls 18 upwards. He has invited me out to things such as to go drinking with friends, and even invited me to his house the other morning for a cup of tea and in that time he said I acted as a 23 year old. I'm so confused on what to do! He tells me about other dates he has which is kind of making me think maybe he doesn't like me, yet he hasn't actually been on one of them yet, for example he had one last saturday yet didn't go because he couldn't be bothered was his excuse. He did while together did say 'I want to go to the cinema' was this a hint that I should have said something on the lines of we should go sometime? Is he waiting for me to make a move as he's not sure of my actions about his age? He's not the type of guy just to get into my pants, he even threatened to kill a guy because he was doing that to me. He also asked me the other day 'You at college all week?' which I told him when and he replied well come round for a cuppa whenever, not like I'm going anywhere. Please help what do I do? I really like him, yet don't want to straight out ask him what he wants as I work with him and I am really close with his family. People have even asked what's going on between us and I'm like even I don't know.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-28 20:05:11 said:

  @Taylor......Our best guess: he's lonely and he wants sex from you. You deserve better than this. It might be time to move on. What do you think?

• Taylor 2012-06-28 12:02:33 said:

  Hey, I recently told y'all how I was seeing an older male and how he ended it with me abruptly. He recently sent me a text stating it had been a month to lets have a drink. I agreed. When we met to have the drink he basically told me that he still didn't now what he wanted, he said he has commitment issues, he doesn't know what the future holds but he would like me to be apart of his life. He said out of everyone he dated out of his divorce he cared for me the most, and then he said he did miss me. I told him I missed him to, we didn't do anything but kiss and talk, and I went back to his house and we did the same. When we were laying together he said it felt like old times and it was nice. When I left he begged me to text him to let him know I was home. The next morning he text me and was like he was glad I made it home and it was good to see me. I didn't respond. After this I haven't heard from him anymore and it's been a week. I just don't understand why he keeps doing this. Why is it so hard to determine if you want to be with someone? Do men really have commitment issues this bad? He acted like he wanted us to hang out he even said he wanted us to go back out of town together and then he disappears I don't understand why he does this to me. What was the point of messaging me after a month. I hadn't bothered him and then he does this, I don't feel like I deserve this, I mean I know I agreed to meet but on one hand I feel like he keeps giving me false hope.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-21 06:48:53 said:

  @Donkey.....Every situation is different, so it's hard to compare relationships. But think of this. Experiencing something for the first time is different than experiencing it with someone who's already experienced it. Example: Getting married to someone who's already been married. It's just not the same experience for both. It doesn't mean it won't work, or that it can't work, it's just not the same. There are some experiences that people should experience by themselves, or with other people who haven't experienced them. It's better for their growth as a person. When someone is blossoming, his/her experiences will be colored by someone who's already been through it. FYI: A big age difference becomes less important as you get older. We're glad your relationship is working out.

• Donkey 2012-06-21 05:00:04 said:

  Hey Stella, This might be a belated reply, but I'll have my say anyway. My situation is like yours but in reverse: I'm in my mid 30's and my GF is in her (very) early 20's, so we're talking about a 14 years age gap!!! In spite of this, we've been together for 1 year and it's great. She's the one who felt she had to hide, at least at the start, but I cannot completely fault her. I agree with THE GUYS, except for this part: "He knows he’s interfering with some of the experiences you should be having—experiences that he had when he was your age. Like dating guys your own age, and doing the things that 18 year olds do: college, dating, figuring out their career, going out on the town, traveling. He knows if you’re with him you’re going to miss out and he feels guilty about it." ... and my contention is, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY ;-) Men who are in a reasonable shape and take care of themselves can do physically demanding activities well into their 30's, sometimes even beyond their 40th anniversary! In fact, in quite a few cases a 18-20 yo girl is better matched (from the point of view of stamina & strength) to a 30 yo dude rather than a boy her own age. I'm talking about walking, climbing, swimming, and even playing tennis. Therefore I don't see why you shouldn't be able to enjoy those activities with him, unless by "doing the things that 18 year olds do" the OP implied sleeping around with whoever you can get your hands on. Figuring out your carreer? You bet! A guy who has had both work experience and higher education can help and steer you better than somebody who's as clueless as you! So don't listen to all those prejudices. Enjoy it while you can, and if it's already bothering you (as it seems it does), then confront him politely but firmly. Tell him you want a normal relationship (btw, both of us have met each other's parents), give him some time to react, and if he still doesn't, then move on!

• One of the Guys 2012-06-16 04:42:07 said:

  @Leya......These are tricky waters to navigate. But strong friendships can often handle awkward moments. Sometimes it takes a while for things to get back on track, but they can if both people value the friendship enough. We're just wondering if your relationship could handle you letting him know how you feel? What do you think? We're not saying spill your guts, but if you did it more subtly or playfully, do you think you could both move on and be friends again if he didn't reciprocate?

• Leya 2012-06-15 10:57:04 said:

  Thanks, Guys; as for flirtation, if there is any flirtation now, it's just verbal. There are things he says that I can construe as flirtation, might I might also just be twisting things around. However, when we first became friends and we worked together, it was towards the end of a year-long temporary position for me, and it was assumed that I would move on--he was totally into me. Our flirtation was heavy and obvious at that time, I guess because neither of us felt there was anything to lose--but we were also both really busy (evil workplace in its busiest season) and rarely alone. Then I was offered a permanent position with that organization AND a cheap place to live right in my friend's neighborhood--literally three blocks away from him. Our friendship got more intense, but the overt flirtation disappeared. This could be chalked up to don't-sh**-where-you-eat, or he got to know me better and ceased to be attracted to me. Now we both have other jobs, but we still live three blocks away from each other, go out to eat and/or drink once or twice a week, keep in touch via text and email, occasionally go hiking or something. I know he values me for expressing his feelings about work (he escaped one awful high stress job for another awful high stress job), and he has said that I'm his only outlet for that. It may just be scary high-stakes for him, too. Or maybe he's just not into me that way. I need a way to let him know I am attracted to him without it seeming like an ultimatum.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-15 07:37:15 said:

  @Leya.......It seems like he feels paternal towards you. That could explain why he pays for you, and why he helps you out when you need something. (Dog, car break down, etc) Because we have to agree with some of your friends. He's a grown man, and he would have tried something by now if he was interested. Of course there is the possibility that he doesn't see you that way because there's a 20 year age difference. He might feel embarrassed to hit on you. If that's the case you need to let him know that you'd be open to his advances. Question: Is there any sexual flirtation going on between the two of you? It just seems like you're going to have to take the initiative in some way if you want to test the waters. But we agree, you have a nice friendship going. We'd hate to see that change if things got awkward between you. What do you think? Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And check out our Relationship Memoirs page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale's "Rebecca, a memoir." Thanks!

• Leya 2012-06-15 01:35:20 said:

  I was going to submit a question for the column, but mine got long. Rather than editing (it's 1:30 am!) I am just going to stick it here and see if anyone bites... It's a "does this older guy like me" sort of question... I am 25, living in a city where I don't know a lot of people, and have it bad for a man who is 44. We used to work together, and I sensed a mutual attraction at the time, but I think we both may have known that acting on it could have made work awkward. We have both since managed to get better work, and have been hanging out, usually dinner and beer at a restaurant, once or twice a week for about a year now--but the flirtation is gone. I sometimes think that his initial attraction turned to pity when he realized how socially isolated I am, and I wonder if that's the only reason we spend time together--but he so often initiates hanging out, that may be wrong. This friend of mine lives alone, is definitely straight, and I suspect sees other women sometimes, but not seriously, and definitely not as often as me. Past the first month that we became friends, though, he has not flirted or touched me. He did, however, help me move, helped me find better work, and has shown great concern and care for me when I have needed it (car break-down rescues, late night emotional emergencies requiring immediate beer, etc). He loans me books, takes me out to drink when I have a success, asks how my dog is even though I know he doesn't care, and is switching to a mostly Paleo diet after I raved about it. He makes sure I see everything cool in this town and try every good restaurant. He's a really fantastic friend. Whenever we go out and it's just us, he insists on paying for me. I protested at first, but my policy (unknown to him) is that I will let a man pay if I'm comfortable with the idea of having sex with him, just in case that's what he thinks he's buying. The fact that he insists on paying may not mean that he's interested in me sexually, though, because he makes a great deal more money than I do and he knows it. Furthermore, if we are dining with his friends, he does not offer to pay for me, but if we are dining with my friends, he will pay for me and sometimes them, too. I hate that I am even fussing over these details, but they are a significant part of my confusion. He is incredibly good looking and in great shape for a man his age, while I am overweight and only pretty in very good light. We hug when we see each other, but his hugs are kind of weak pat-pat-pat hugs, which I think might be just polite. They stay very much in "safe" shoulder areas. If we see a movie, he doesn't use the arm rest, I imagine to avoid body contact; generally incidental body contact does not happen. These things I take to mean he is not interested in me sexually. I hope I am wrong. I am unbelievably, stupidly, insanely attracted to this man. I am so attracted to him, but also so terrified to lose his friendship, that I suck at flirting with him. I do and say things that I know might be interpreted as meaning I am not interested in him in that way, sort of against my will. Things just come out wrong, like I am overcompensating for the incredibly raunchy thoughts I am actually having. I can't imagine a traditional relationship working with this man, because we really have little in common beyond our interests in food, beer, nature, architecture, and dark humor. I'm messy and he's neat. I like pets and he doesn't. I like horror movies and make morbid artwork; he likes sports and thinks my artwork is disgusting (though he's correct). Fortunately, I don't feel interested in a traditional relationship right now, and at his age, I think if we wanted that, he would have it--or at least would have bought a bigger house. He lives in a darling, tiny 1910s bungalow that he restored himself, just the right size for one silver-haired bachelor. I hate to say I want a "Friends With Benefits" relationship, because it feels inaccurate. I just want to be free to express my affection and sexual feelings for this man, and don't really care what the framework is. At this point, I think my ability to tell whether he would be receptive to this is just warped beyond repair. I would hate to freak him out and lose his friendship in addition to not getting to have the loads of crazy sex I have been dreaming of for over a year now. My friends have said things like, "he's a grown man, and if he were into you, he would let you know." They have also said, "Dude, I have no idea whether he's into you or not." I have also dated men around his age, only to have them find that they are uncomfortable with the age gap and back out. I am generally not attracted to men my own age, because they seem undirected, naive, like they don't know themselves well, their personalities are still forming. I am consistently into men aged 35+. I am way over the age difference, but I wonder if it could be an issue for him. I have no clear idea what to do, but have had enough of this frustration and hand-wringing. Please tell me whether or not to just come out with it! I would also love a sample script. I am having trouble choosing words, because the stakes feel so high. Thanks for any advice you may have, and for reading all of that!

• One of the Guys 2012-05-28 14:42:00 said:

  @Taylor......Actually, it may feel to you like he changed out of the blue, but he didn't. Here's how we know. It's not a small thing to introduce a new love interest to your kids. It's something he probably thought about for a very long time. The fact that he even suggested a meeting tells us he was serious about you, and thought there may have been a chance for a future with you. But as the meeting got closer and closer he realized that maybe the relationship wasn't right for him after all. And that's how things often work. As big decisions get closer and closer, people are forced to take a hard look at what they really want. Because up until that point it's all talk. This is why people get engaged, plan a wedding, and then one day say they can't do it anymore and just leave. The person who gets the news is devastated and feels like it's a big surprise, a sudden decision, that makes no sense. But in actuality, the other person has been thinking about it 24/7. He may one day feel regret. It's very possible. It's unfortunate that he couldn't get over your age and race differences. But he didn't make a rash decision to end it. In fact, he may be using those differences as an excuse for other things that he felt were missing. We do think you deserve some sort of explanation from him to help you understand, but once again, you'll only get what he wants to give. And if he's not self-reflective he may not even know himself. We hope this helps. Your thoughts? ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Taylor 2012-05-28 14:07:35 said:

  Do men ever realize when they've let a good woman go? Do men ever try to come back or have regrets? I was dating a man for 8 months, he was older then me (he's in his 40s and I’m in my late 20's) and he was divorced with three kids, also he's white and I'm black. We got along very good, had a good time together, shared similar beliefs, were there for each other, we went on trips and we had some really good times. Throughout this relationship it was never defined and we still saw other people but it was kind of like we were each other’s number 1s, you know what I mean? Well after eight months he told he was ready for me to meet his kids, and was talking about taking things to the next level. Well a week later he changed his mind and was like he wasn’t for sure about me meeting the kids he kept going back and forth. Long story short we got into an argument and he broke up with me. He claimed that he couldn't see marrying me in the future and we had reached a point in the relationship where it needed to move forward or end. He was even like lets take a month off and said if it was meant to be we would be together. He was like I don’t understand what he had been through and he has commitment issues. I even told him i believed in this that was willing to wait and try to help him deal with his fears, but he didnt do it. He hugged and kissed me good-bye and that was it. He tried to text me after he ended it to see if I was ok but I didn’t have too much to say. I mean I feel like this was random, because we had a really good relationship, and he even said he didn’t want to end it and that we did have a good time together but he didn’t know what else to do. Before all this there was no sign whatsoever and then after 1 argument he decides all this. I don’t believe that he would have entertained the thought of me meeting his kids for no reason. He even told me that he had started setting it up for his mother to tell her. I don't feel he was the type who would have led me on for eight months. His actions just don't match up with what he did. We both cared about each other very much and I still care deeply for him. I feel like maybe he was scared about what people (his family) would think with our age difference and race difference. Maybe it was commitment phobia since he has been divorced, i dont know. He even told me in the beginning that he tried to fight his feelings in the beginning but finally gave in (when we first started dating). Do men ever realize this? Deep down inside I feel like one day he’s going to try to come back, because I don’t understand how you can just completely change out the blue. Any opinions? Thank you