Comments on: Friendships with the opposite sex?

By: guys

guys — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:04:43 +0000

@Stacy………….Your points are right on……”I’M never invited to do things with them. Their conversations are private…calls are taken in another room or stepped outside. Tons of texts and giggling and never sharing the joke.
Or I never meet them at all.” Those are huge red flags that a lot of people ignore. It’s good that you didn’t. (See our question/answer)

By: Stacy Disarrayed

Stacy Disarrayed — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 14:59:26 +0000

So I’m a little late to this party…
I’ve had experience in this area. On all kinds of levels.
I have guy friends, I love my guy friends, sometimes they are more fun to be with then my girlfriends (don’t tell the girls I said that).
So I can’t possibly be a hypocrite and have a problem if my guy has female friends. And it doesn’t bother me. Until…
I’M never invited to do things with them. Their conversations are private…calls are taken in another room or stepped outside. Tons of texts and giggling and never sharing the joke.
Or I never meet them at all.
That’s a problem. That is not respecting me. And it WAS a problem. And somehow he made ME feel like the bad guy in that scenario.
Notice I’m using past tense here.

I like what you say about it…dinner is more intimate and I love the respect you have for your wife. Including her IN the friendship and being sensitive to appearances. That. Is. Great.
Go forth. Teach others. Spread the gospel.

By: guys

guys — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 18:40:19 +0000

@Floreta…………..The bottom line is respecting the person you’re in a relationship with. That doesn’t mean you have to compromise everything to make them feel comfortable, but two people need to talk about things and try to work out something that feels good to both parties. It’s all about building trust. For some people that takes time. However, from my experience, I always used to think I was the jealous type. But as I dated more I realized that certain personality types pushed my buttons. I learned a lot from them, but I was never happy. When you’re ready, you’ll find the right type of person for you. But honestly, what you’re doing now sounds damn interesting! So enjoy!

By: floreta

floreta — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 12:17:44 +0000

“Friendships can provide pieces that are missing in a primary relationship, but really they should enhance them or complement them.”
That first bit is why I would ALWAYS get jealous of female friends when I was in a relationship. I know the jealousy isn’t healthy either, though. I actually don’t like the ‘rules’ of relationships that center around what you can’t and can do with the opposite sex. it’s ridiculous to me to think that your SO should be your everything.. that’s when things become unbalanced and turn into problems. of course, i say this now, coming from my single unattached state of mind. who knows how my emotions will whack out when/if i get into a relationship. for all i know, i might be the same jealous insecure girl.. i hope not.

i think it’s cool that you respect your wife and her feelings. i was pretty uncomfortable with female friends yet my ex still went out to dinners one on one with female friends. really bugged me…

By: guys

guys — Mon, 31 May 2010 09:12:03 +0000

@Lola……………Interesting that you find your male friendships unfussy and uncomplicated. My female friendships are pretty much that way too. The one thing I’ll say is, if there’s drama in the friendship, there may be something else going on beneath the surface that one person is afraid to admit or share. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

@Bluzdude…………I couldn’t agree more. Maybe the key is to have an understanding spouse/partner. I guess we’re both lucky in that way.

@Steve……………..Trust is the piece that is so important. But people have to open to trust. It takes time to build.

By: Steve

Steve — Sat, 29 May 2010 11:47:27 +0000

I have always had male friends and have never even dated anyone who had a problem with that. I also think it’s okay for men in relationships to have female friends.

It’s important that both partners are really okay with it. I’ve had friends who say it’s okay, but it really isn’t and they suffer.

Truth and trust are crucial.

By: bluzdude

bluzdude — Fri, 28 May 2010 15:25:59 +0000

Sorry I’m late to the party here… I missed that your link changed from what I had on my blogroll. (since corrected.)

Outside my original best friends from high school (with whom I’m currently visiting on vacation) all my best friends are women. It’s been that way for quite some time, and that’s something that a prospective relationship would have to understand. I will not drop friends just because someone new comes into my life.

I’m sure people have gotten the wrong idea when they’ve seen me having lunch or hanging out with a female friend after work. Fortunately, I pretty much don’t give a shit what other people think.

Like I tell Pinky, if I was going to date them, I’d have been doing it long before you came around. I admit that I’ve been lucky that she understands.

At some point, I’m going to have to do a post on my former Work Wife (former, because she left the company.) (For reasons completely unrelated to me.)

By: Lola

Lola — Tue, 25 May 2010 11:05:19 +0000

Wow what a thought provoking post… lets see

Do you have friendships outside of your primary relationship?

I have a small number of friendships I can count on one hand that I consider to be one of the most important parts of my support network (my partner and our relationship would be the first). My wider network of friends is not that much bigger now but the quality is much better than it was previously (I did a huge overhaul and had a major restructure a couple of years ago).

How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it possible?

I think friendship is friendship, gender doesnt really matter although I am probably biased since most of my friends are male. For me, I’ve always found my male friendships unfussy and uncomplicated but dont get me wrong, they can have just as many dramas as anyone else.

I guess its just the comfort of being great friends without all the emotional intimacy that female friendships seem to be so good at (something I’ve always had trouble with but am working on). Interestingly, my close friends I mentioned in the previous question, are childhood friends and are all female so go figure lol.

I have no romantic interest in my male friends, they are more like brothers and I couldn’t imagine being romantically involved with any of them. Not that they arent great boyfriends or anything but its more that I just cant develop those kinds of feelings for them.

It takes me a long time to begin to trust someone so in the last few years my friendships have tended to be slow to mature but I feel better when I can get to learn a person.

Thanks for the interesting post, I had not thought of some of these things before so i appreciate the topic.

By: guys

guys — Mon, 24 May 2010 19:07:37 +0000

@Kernut………….Yes, maybe I am. Or maybe I’ve just chosen friends I’m not attracted to in that way. But either way, the guy that hangs around hoping something will develop is more often than not kidding himself. And the woman. And I agree with you, there are some things that should never be shared. Once you cross that line, more often than not regret sets in. And then you wish you could take it all back. I don’t get into that kind of stuff.

By: Kernut

Kernut — Mon, 24 May 2010 19:01:58 +0000

So I LOVE having male friends (I’m female). Some of my best friends are male. I have no problem keeping it platonic. I think it’s good for both sexes to have opposite-sex friends.

Ooops, I didn’t know about the dinner thing being always a date. Ruh-roh. For me I draw the line at whether or not it’s “dutch” (or we take turns buying lunch/dinner/movies). That kind of signifies (to me) a guy isn’t looking for me to be a GF.

That said, you seem to be among the rare group of men that can be just friends. More than a few of mine were not able to maintain a friendship with me once they finally believed me when I said I didn’t want anything more. It’s sad to relaize someone you thought was a friend was really just hanging around hoping you’d change your mind about having sex with them.

Also, I had a BF who was way too close to his female friend and shared very intimate details of our relationship, or secrets about me. There are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. He was an ass, though.