My friend doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t let me go

Hey Guys,

I really need your help… I have this best friend. A guy I’ve BEEN best friends with for the past four or so years, and we have always been connected on a very deep, emotional level. He has had a rather difficult past and personal life with his family that has caused him to have difficulty being emotionally open with people. Now, it was always quite evident to myself, my best friends, and even his, that he had developed powerful feelings for me, and I him. People often asked the both of us if we were dating, or why we weren’t, and our close friends would get frustrated with us for not “just trying it.”

After years of receiving mixed signals, I finally gave up and told him about my feelings for him several months ago. But I told him that I was only telling him about it because I wanted him to let me go. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t feel the same for me, but also got really mad and angry and frustrated, saying that I was being immature for thinking I had to let him go to get over my feelings. And after not only a month of silence, he asked to be with me.

The main conflict with our relationship was that it would only have been able to last two months, because he was going to college and I was staying in our town. We agreed on these terms, and it was honestly the most incredible relationship I have ever been in. He was a very loving, caring boyfriend. He told me he loved me, nervously, one time (which was why I thought it was special, it only happened once). By the end of the two months, despite confessing that we both wanted to, we didn’t even have sex, mostly on his initiative, he said he  “couldn’t do that to me” because he was leaving. So he left for two months, still called me every single weekend and texted/chatted me constantly, he came back, and is leaving again in two weeks. My feelings didn’t change, but when I told him that, he said that his had.

I don’t understand how they could have gone away so quickly after being there for SO long? I’m fine with him just not wanting to get my hopes up for a long distance relationship which was why we broke up, I’m even fine if he had just lied to me about his feelings for me, which he has done before. I’m keeping my eyes open to other guys because I want to be smart about this, but I don’t know what to do about my feelings for him. I dated other people while I was just friends with him too, but even then my feelings didn’t subside completely. I don’t even know if I can take continuing on with him as a friend; it hurts me to even think about having to bear it, but at the same time, I’m one of the only people he opens up to about himself and he’s been more like family to me than my real family, and I don’t want to let him go.

He knows it’s hurting me, but he won’t let me go either. What does he want from me?



Dear Ariadne,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re hurting so much.

The issue you have, is that he doesn’t want from you, what you want from him. Sure, he may have given a relationship a go with you, but that was because he feared losing you. He values your friendship, loves you deeply, and clearly considers you his closest confidante, but for whatever reason he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. And besides his capitulation over the summer, he’s been pretty clear about this from the get go. We don’t see a flip-flop here. What we see is a guy who very much wants to be in love with you, but knows deep down that he’s not.

There could be several reasons for this. We feel you need to consider all of them in order to help you move on.

1. He’s not attracted to you physically. (Likes a different type of woman.)

2. He’s gay.

3. A combination of #1 and #2. Meaning, he’s not attracted to you BECAUSE he’s gay.

We know you mention a 4rth possible explanation but we don’t think that’s the case. (That he’s emotionally unavailable.) Why? Because a guy will still try to have sex with a woman even if he’s not emotionally available. In fact that’s pretty much all he’ll be looking for.

The thing is Ariadne, you present evidence to support all the possible explanations. And we believe all of them are worth exploring, especially if you’re trying to move on. Sometimes there is no good explanation for why a person doesn’t feel that butterfly feeling. Believe us, he wishes he did. You’re perfect for him in almost every way. It’s possible he doesn’t understand it himself, or it’s possible he does but does not want to share his true feelings with you, or reveal something to you he’s not comfortable revealing.

The other thing that’s interesting is the gender reversal that’s playing out here. Typically it’s the woman who doesn’t understand why the guy needs to cut off all contact. This woman doesn’t realize that if a guy wants to be intimate with a particular woman, just the thought of this woman being with other guys sexually is just brutal. In your situation it’s playing out just the opposite, which also supports one of our theories.

So how do you move on?

1. Finding out the true reason he doesn’t want to be with you might help you.

2. Distance. (This always makes it easier.)

3. Falling in love with someone else. (This shows you’ve truly moved on, but it’s a situation of the chicken and the egg. Because is it even possible to fall in love with someone else when you’re pining for a different person?)

4. Cutting off all ties. (This may help you, but it also might amplify your feelings, and make you miss him more.)

5. Tone down the friendship. (Take away the intensity and just be friends. Probably a nice compromise.)

Finally, we really think he’s being selfish. You’re telling him how difficult this is and he’s saying, “Get over it. I need you. You’re being immature.” Actually, he’s being immature for not “hearing” you and trying to help you understand what’s going on for him. He’s putting his needs over yours, and that’s something to seriously think about. If you were in a relationship with him, we wonder how else he might put his needs first? Just sayin’

Please leave us a comment below and let us know your thoughts. And ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

Take care,


ps. And please let your friends know about us. We appreciate it!

Also consider a donation to THE GUYS using the PayPal button on the right of any page on our site. No donation is too small or too big! Thanks.




43 Comments on My friend doesn’t want a relationship and he won’t let me go

  1. Hey guys, I have a similar situation, but with my ex! So K and I dated for three years a year ago and broke up over a financial lie he made (I broke up with him). We remained best friends throughout the past year and about 6 months ago decided to ‘date’.
    But it has been 6 months and nothing more than peck kisses (no tongue) and cuddling(we sleep in the same bed 5 nights a week) and he says he isn’t ready for a relationship, with me or anyone else and that he doesn’t want to complicate what we have with sex or a title.
    I try to tell him to walk away and I make other plans and I won’t talk to him for weeks, but he will show up saying he misses me and what not. Besides our sexual relationship he treats me amazing, but I can’t help but feel like he is just stringing me along until he finds someone he likes more… Am I right?
    I am 26, he is 28, I really just want a regular boyfriend now, I don’t want to lose my best friend, but at the same time, I am not getting any younger! What do I do?

  2. @Crystal….Yes, this is a bit strange. We don’t think he’s stringing you along, otherwise he’d be wanting sex. That’s not to say he’s not dating other women, but if you’re just sleeping together, we don’t see how he’s playing you. So how was your sex life before you broke up the first time? We’re just trying to rule out some obvious possibilities: 1. Another woman. (Doesn’t seem that way since you’re together so much.) 2. He’s gay. (Depends on what your past was like) 3. Loves being with you but just wants you as a friend. And he would feel guilty if you had sex. Basically this warrants a discussion, don’t you think? Have you talked with him about all of your concerns? That would be a good place to start. We think there’s more going on than he’s saying. Don’t put him on the defensive, just tell him what you want and ask him what’s really going on. And keep us posted on how it turns out. (If he freaks out, then you’ll have your answer and you won’t have to waste any more time worrying about this.) Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.

  3. Thanks for the quick response!
    I can’t see there being another woman, we have all the same mutual friends, and when we were seperated they told me he wasn’t with anyone else, and didn’t even try to!
    To be honest, our sex life before was horrible. We only had sex when we were drinking, and sometimes went up to 6 months without it. I have brought it up to him a few times, and he always says it stresses him out, or he freaks out and gets mad, and then he buys me something within 24 hours (a present, clothes, or straight up cash). I know that’s his way of apologizing for being rude. Either way, he refuses to talk about it. I have written him an email saying if he doesn’t talk about it then to lose my number, and he called me crying. I just don’t understand him. Maybe he is gay?
    So, I suppose what you were saying by “If he freaks out, then you’ll have your answer and you won’t have to waste any more time worrying about this” is, it’s time to walk away?

  4. @Crystal….Yes, that’s what we’re saying. Meaning, if he freaks out, then he probably doesn’t want anything more anyway. And frankly, something’s going on with him and his sex drive. Does he suffer from ED? Because he’s uncomfortable about something. So we can only assume a few things: 1. He’s insecure about his abilities. Or he’s got a physical issue like erectile dysfunction. (Which by the way is pretty common.). 2. He’s gay. 3. He’s asexual. We hate to assume anything about anyone when we don’t know them, but if we were betting guys, we’d lean towards him being gay. (Maybe he doesn’t even realize it yet.) Because we don’t know any heterosexual guy who would sleep with a woman five nights a week and not try to make a move on her, especially when they know she’d be willing. Unless he just isn’t attracted to you for some reason. (We’re not saying that, but we’re just trying to cover all bases here.) The bottom line: Are you happy? Even if you did have a relationship with him do you think you’d be satisfied? What are you really getting from this besides a nice friendship? These are questions to ask yourself. One more thought: Why not just be friends with him and cut out all the extra stuff, like sleeping in same bed, etc.? Just be good friends that hang out. Or is that too close, or too hard to do. If so, it might just be time to move on and consider some other possibilities. Or at least be open to new possibilities.

  5. I am leaning towards just keeping it a friendship as well. I wonder if I may be jealous/hurt if he dates someone new (why didn’t it work with me, etc), but I am ultimately unhappy right now, and it is affecting my self esteem a lot. I know I deserve someone who wants me in every way, so I think its time to end the sleep overs and look at new possibilities.
    Thank you for helping me work through it! I will pass on your site to my friends!

  6. @Crystal….Glad we could help. Yes, we agree. Not great for your self-esteem, and yes, you deserve someone who desires you in every way. Good luck and keep in touch. Let us know how things are going and if we can help in the future. And thanks for spreading the word about us. We appreciate it!

  7. missesconfused // September 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm //

    Well I been talking to this guy on and off for 7 months as friends. As for this being my second longest fwb relationship but, my first one has been at least 3 years which turned out to be a friends and lovers relationship. Well me and him make passionate sex when he is off from work but, here is the thing, he doesn’t want a relationship at all from me and nobody else. well as for me, I don’t want one either not at the moment but, he said he cares about me and he doesn’t want to hurt me or doesn’t want me to be hurt by him. He also said that he doesn’t want me to put off other guys because of him. He also ask me this question, why do I want to date him? Me and him are strictly just having sex with one another but, he knows I like him. He said that at this time I’m the only one that can satisfy him after I said as long as I’m the only one he is sleeping with. I don’t want to push him away I want us to continue on being friends. He has his mind made up when it comes to. A relationship. What can I do please help?

  8. @Missesconfused……Honestly, there’s not much you can do. He already loves having sex with you and enjoys your company; he already knows you care about him more than just FWB. If that’s not enough for him then what else can you do? Actually, the only thing you can do is move on. Because this is what happens with FWB. Things get confusing, and then someone ends up frustrated and hurt. Maybe if you move on, he’ll see how much he cares about you and then change his mind. But our gut tells us this guy does not want what you want. (He’s basically told you so.) So we’re sorry. We wish we could give you the perfect solution. But maybe this is validation to make a few changes. What do you think?

  9. Hey guys, thanks for answering my question, it was really really helpful. I showed this website to one of my friends and am keeping an eye out for her question to appear 😛 I really decided that enough was enough. After he left, in less than two weeks of being away, he got a new girlfriend. I felt that that said quite a bit about the way he regarded relationships in general, and decided that I had had enough.

    To be honest, I think it was much more of a toxic friendship than I had given it credit for being. He was always trying to get my attention, and then pushing me away once he had it. He would get a girlfriend, and then openly make remarks about her in front of me all the while that he knew I had feelings for him. Not only that, but every time a guy looked in my direction, he would automatically “disapprove” of him. It seemed to be the classic tale of him not wanting me, but not wanting anyone else to have me. I cannot deny that I am very glad that I listened to my instinct and did not go “all the way” with him. Of course, he did try to fight it when I told him I wanted him to leave me alone, but in the end, I made him stop and leave me alone. To be honest though, I don’t think it will last. Last time I tried something like this and really committed to it, he was dating someone, and he went into his shop and made me a present that he claimed to have started months beforehand, and he gave it to me right in front of his girlfriend. That’s not the trick though… he engraved the Chinese symbol of “love” right smack on the middle of it, and right in front of his girlfriend, proclaimed rather boldly that that was what the translation meant. She didn’t react in any way, not then, and not later. He was rather tenacious every time I told him I wanted him gone, which was why I could never understand how a guy could be so attached to me without having feelings for me (as he claimed for almost three years as all of this was going on).

    I cut off contact with him this past weekend, and he said some things that really reminded me of what you guys told me. He asked me why I was “abandoning” him, and if I did that to all my friends. He said he preferred if I vented all my anger out at him than keep it all bottled up inside, and he said that if it was easier for me to hate him then so be it, and that names and anger didn’t bother him because “he knows me and knows that I’m a good person” (his words), and that me and my happiness still have a lot of meaning to him even if he doesn’t hold any meaning to me anymore, which was why he agreed to finally let go. He said he would be alright knowing that I’m somewhere out there being happy, and then asked me to promise that I would be happy without him (to which I did not respond).

    I am finally beginning to move on, but I sense that this is not the end of the line with him, even though I truly want it to be. I’m tired of all the back-and-forth. He’s only been away for two weeks, and he already has a girlfriend. So this whole thing happened while he was already supposedly seeing someone. Personally, I think he was lying, but then again, I wouldn’t know because he has said many similar things to me in the past while seeing someone else. It was why I could never understand how on earth it was possible that he did not have feelings for me.

    Should I accept him when he comes back? (Which, I can almost guarantee he will…) And in retrospect, is it really possible for someone to be so attached to me without having any feelings for me, or has he been lying to me? Mind you, I do recognize that he has a habit of lying. I never appreciated it, and it’s one of the reasons I let him go, but I don’t know what his problem is/has been. I don’t understand any of his behavior at all.

  10. Not to mention, not only one day after we broke up, he had texted me asking if I was alright (he had gone away for his summer job), and said that he wanted me to be happy because no one has ever made him smile more than I have. I was overall pretty sad when he didn’t even want to try to fight for me, and right before leaving the second time, the day we were supposed to see each other for the last time before he left for good (well, until November) during my break time, he arrived a few minutes after I had left because I had been waiting for him for an hour already, only AFTER I called him to ask where he was. He then dished out a whole story about how his mom had taken his car and he had to call his friend to pick him up and take him to where we were supposed to meet and how he was running from the car to where I was and when he found I wasn’t there he knew he messed up.. I don’t know, I didn’t buy it, but then again, I really don’t know what to think with him. I allowed him to explain himself, but he left the next day and the weekend following his departure was when I decided to break it off with him completely. He didn’t even call me to tell me he was going to be late.

    I apologize for the length, by the way.

  11. @Ariadne….You’re welcome. Glad we could be helpful. And thanks for sharing our website with your friend. What’s her name? Did you tell her to leave a comment to get her question answered more quickly? Just a reminder. Anyway, on to your question. This situation seems like it’s slowly resolving itself. Something you mentioned stood out for us, and it’s something you need to keep in mind moving forward. You said, “I cannot deny that I am very glad that I listened to my instinct and did not go “all the way” with him.” That’s pretty telling Ariadne. We think that’s how you should operate moving forward with this guy, and with any guy in the future. Sure, sometimes your gut tells you things out of fear, but in this case it’s giving you good advice. So you ask, “Should I accept him when he comes back?” And we say, “What does your gut say?” You need to look out for yourself. Your emotional well-being is linked to all that you do. You seem like you’ve gained strength since you’ve been visiting us. Why not keep moving in the direction you’re going and let a new Ariadne emerge, someone who’s stronger, more confident, and open to new possibilities? Ultimately you have to make that decision for yourself, but when a person gains strength, they usually find themselves making healthier decisions. Does this resonate with you? Thoughts?

  12. Jessie Garcia // October 4, 2012 at 11:56 pm //

    Dear Guys,
    I’ve been in love with this guy for the past two years. In the beginning of our relationship everything was flawless and that lasted for the first year. This past year has been anything but that, our relationship is nothing what it used to be. Although it hasn’t been perfect, I’ve stuck by his side even though he’s cheated more than once and broken my heart time and time again. Many people ask me why? And quite frankly I don’t know why, I can’t just let go of someone that I love with all my heart.
    He recently moved to another state for college and left at the begining of the summer. We both knew this was coming and I especially knew he wouldn’t want to keep me waiting and not want a long distance relationship. Even though he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore, that didn’t stop him from talking to me almost everyday and calling me. It’s like he made more effort to keep up with my life more than he did when he was home this past year. He would still tell me he cared about me and that he wanted me to move on because of the sake that he was gone and was’t coming back. That I shouldn’t have to wait on him like that. Then the devastating news came how he met this girl and was starting to have feelings for her. This completely crushed me because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I still loved him more than ever. Despite the fact that he told me about this new girl, he still called and texted me, he’d tell me he loved me and that he missed me. He was sober and drunk at times like these. He would say that the only reason we weren’t together was because he was gone and that it hurt him. He came home for a visit at the end of the summer and we saw each other for the first time after two months, and nothing can deny how great that our connection was. Being together again was like breathing and well we did everything like we used to. Which included not being faithful to his new girl.. I told him before he left that we had to stop because he wasn’t being fair to her and she wouldn’t be happy to know what had happened while he was here. He left and yet the same thing continued, he’d call. Tell me he still loved me and how he’ll always care about me.
    another six weeks passed when he unexpectedly shows up at my house. It was the best surprise and the best weekend. Yet the same things as last time happened and the feelings were just as strong. That was a couple of weeks ago and last night he’s drunk texting me asking if I would be upset if he started dating this new girl. I told him that it shouldn’t matter what I think. And he’s like but I still care about you. And all I’m saying is what do you want? Like it’s almost like he wants my approval or to fight for him and tell him no. All he can say is that the presence of someone being there is whats important to him. And thats why he wont be with me. So he doesn’t want a long distance relationship yet he still pulls this shit on me. It’s like I love him and he loves me and I will always care but I can’t be friends with him especially if he starts dating. I’m not sure why the hell he wants a relationship with her when he hasn’t even been real with her from the start. It’s like I’m the girl she can’t compare to yet he won’t be with me. I already know I should just let him and go and stop talking to him, but I know I have no will power to stick with it. I love him too much to let go. I’m just really confused and stuck. :(

  13. @Jessie…..Yes, you are confused and stuck. But don’t beat yourself up over it. Love will do that to you. But you definitely need to get yourself unstuck; of course, only you will be able to do that. He’s not going to help you with that. So we surmise that this is going to have to get a lot worse, and more painful, before you make a change. However, we urge you to try. So here’s our perspective on the situation. (And keep in mind that this comes from a supportive place. We’re trying to help you get unstuck.) This guy has cheated on you multiple times. Yet, still he’s keeping you in a holding pattern by talking to you often; which means he’s keeping you available so he can drop by whenever he is horny, or lonely. Pretty smart of him. Now he’s cheating on this other girl with you. Do you honestly believe this is a guy you can build a life with? It’s not like he made a one time mistake, and has been asking for forgiveness, and doing whatever it takes to win you back. NO, he’s exhibited the same behavior over and over. And he’s even aware that it’s not very healthy behavior, but yet, he still does it. Which basically means he’s selfish. We’ll cut him some slack since he’s young, but that’s not really an excuse. Many young guys are trustworthy and honest. But you know all this Jessie, don’t you? The problem is that you’re the only one who can change this situation. He’s going to keep you in a holding pattern for as long as you’re willing. And maybe you’re hoping he’ll change, but honestly this isn’t going to have a happily ever ending. So what do you think? We think you deserve better than this. You deserve a guy who loves and respects you the way you love and respect him. This guy may purport to love you but he has a funny way of showing it. And he certainly doesn’t respect you. Your thoughts?

  14. Bittersweet // November 22, 2012 at 3:44 pm //

    Hello I’m 22 and I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for almost two years. We met at a trade institution and by time we got ready to graduate we were ingaged. I moved in with him it was lovely he told me not to worry about anything but I began to notice tht it’s time I help out which was shortly apon my arrival there. He and his cousin and I lived with each other. Ok so now responsibilities must be handled, I’m trying to make an agreement on what needs to be paid and how we r going to split it. No one comes to an agreement, so i start asking more frequently. I was told by the head of household (his cousin) that he needed 50 dollars for the lightbill I gave him 200 dollars. a few days later the lights are off. And head of household dips out. Leave me and my guy alone in a apartment wih no electricity. My guy starts to take his anger out on me as if I’m his enemy. Now I decide to leave because I couldn’t find a job in the location we were in. I move and within a week I’m working. I send my guy money to get we’re I’m at. To the present he got here I’m skipping a lot of imformation story too long sorry. I help him get a job tht has potential benifits available to him if he applied his self. Now we have our own spot and he contributes to rent but not food and laundry expenses or transportation he buys with his money only the things he wants and not what we need so it was all on me. A lot of broken promises have occurred. And I’m deeply at rock bottom now tht I have lost my job and have no way of feeding myself or supporting myself period. I look to him and he leaves me! Completely stranded in the hotel room (our spot) with nothing. For another girl at the job I helped him get. I’ve done everything for him and I get nothing in return. Now he want to continue on as if it never happened but he still buys what he wants and don’t buy what we need to better ourselves or even his self. I wish I never met him. Please And encouragement on getting the ought this and not killing him or myself or anyone that angers me will be greatly appreciated

  15. @Bittersweet…..We’re very sorry about your situation. The first thing we think you need to do is find another job. How’s that going? What happened to the job you had? Second, you need to move on from this relationship. This guy is not someone you can rely on or trust. And long-term relationships are all about reliability and trust. You seem like a strong lady with a good head on her shoulders. This guy is dragging you down. Finally: Don’t do anything rash like lose your temper or something worse. What’s your plan?

  16. Bittersweet // November 23, 2012 at 9:40 am //

    I was part of a 50 count employee lay off motion. Our company chairmen and their clients had a contract goal tht was not being reached. My sales gross was highly exceptional I just didn’t get to stay it was hard for me to get to work from the beginning of my shift til the end . I would have to call a cab to work . Things wher ok then with me n him at the time but it started getting rough because my birthday was coming up, I wasn’t planing a party or anything like tht for the occasion. But yea tht was tough but I did it flawlessly it was just a job cut. It was 175 of us and only 15 where able to stay. It was like blk Friday in there when they announced it. I was so stressed out. But now I’m feeling a lot better than I was a week earlier. So thts the cause of the delay in the search. I’ve had interviews but nothings came through. It’s been 60 days since it happened. The sickness is still lingering in me so I’m trying to take it easy with the stress.

  17. Bittersweet // November 23, 2012 at 9:55 am //

    I say 50 people becasue it was two clases 25 in each clas got to stay but 10 had to leave.The other employees the other 25began another project separately from the first class. And the rest are on “call back” or “vets”.

  18. Bittersweet // November 23, 2012 at 10:39 am //

    He acts like he does not care about what happens to me or us. Idk what to do he’s killing me slowly and painful.

  19. @Bittersweet………We just get the sense that you’ll land on your feet with your job. Keep at it. Something will come through. As per this guy. Really, he just doesn’t seem like someone who understands what it takes to be in a relationships. You need someone you can count on, someone you can trust, and someone who supports you when things are good and not so good. Ask yourself: Does this guy fit the bill? We stick by our original advice: Try to get your employment squared away, then move on. There are a lot of great guys out there that you’ll be able to rely on, and who will respect and love you the way you respect and love them. Take care of yourself. And be strong. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. Help a fellow reader. Take a moment to VOTE on our Ask the Audience page. Thanks.

  20. So my friend said he wanted to watch a movie, and he said he’ll check. But it’s been a few days so I sent him reminders, and also said if he don’t want to watch any longer just tell me and I’ll watch with other friends. Then his slow response as to the movie got me really pissed so I told him to stop stringing me along and he got all upset at me and said that I’m forcing him so much he’s not even feeling anything when he sees my messages.

    So he said he dont want to watch anymore and I said gone. Then a few days later he asked if I still want to watch and then he booked the movie.

    Now I might be dropping by his country since I need to transfer my flight. So I was asking if he was keen to meet up. Then, he took the longest time to confirm of he was meeting but would say things like ” stop being so negative or I will not fetch u ah”. Then he said he’ll confirm today but ti now he hasn’t and I’m not sure if he would. Granted, the trip is in end Jan.Even as a friend, can’t he tell me if he is able to meet me or make some time for me? Why not say yes, or no? I’m not asking for a specific appointment, just if he will be meeting me. If he can’t be sure, why not tell me?

    What is he thinking?

  21. @Confused…….It’s not what he’s thinking, it’s what you’re thinking? What are you thinking? Are you making a special trip to see this guy? Are you spending money to see him? What’s the deal? He doesn’t seem very interested, or frankly, very nice. We’re not sure what you’re seeing in him. Thoughts?

  22. I transferred at his country because I was supposed to meet a female friend of mine, but I realised that she is there to keep an eye on her boyfriend, so she kept changing our plans. I was pissed off but i was reluctant to pay extra to change the flight so I was thinking of just exploring on my own for that 2 days. Then I remembered that he stayed 1.5 hr from the city so I asked if he wanted to meet. I would be happy to see him. Also given our love-hate relationship, I was also curious to see if he would be happy to see me. So I cant say that i did not have any expectations at all.

    Prior, his slow responses seemed to be lack of interest to me.He now told me he would like to bring me ard but his dad might be going to shanghai and wants him to submit a proposal for the trip. So he is not sure if the trip will clash with the dates that I am there. And he will get back to me ASAP. So I’m not sure what to think.

    Is he trying to appear nice but hinting that he is very busy? I thought I was receiving mixed signals.

  23. @Confused……Seems that way. In fact, all of his communication seems that way. Doesn’t it? This seems like so much work—and a ton of mental energy—for little reward.

  24. But he send me pictures of tropical fruits that he eats and the attractions that he went to… N telling that I should choose the temples I want to visit because the palace is very big.

    Then why would he do that if he don’t want to bring me around?
    He has not asked about my arrivals dates etc though.

  25. @Confused……..We think you’re overanalyzing. (We know it’s hard not to.) Why don’t you just see what happens.

  26. Well, he told me his father have not confirmed on the trip so it is unlikely to take off. I asked if he could tell me if he’s going with me on the day trip because a reservation is required and I’m leaving on the weekend.

    He replied that he thinks he can go meet me in afternoon/evening-ish in day 1, and the go on the day trip and then send me off to airport on the last day, and asked me if that sounds good.

    I don’t know why, but I don’t feel very happy. I think this had dragged for so long.

  27. @Confused…….That’s our take as well.

  28. If it was such a huge effort on his part, why did he agree? Or even bother sending me pictures. It seems like he is unsure?

    He isnt able to meet me on day 1, so I suppose he didn’t like me enough to want to see me immediately. Or am I expecting too much?

    Should contact him when I arrive, as we had agreed? I
    was considering doing my own mojo, which I already made plans for. if it was so tough on his part, I don’t want to be appear so thick skinned but I’m wondering if he would be bothered or pissed if I didn’t contact him.

  29. He came to my country to work n he did not have many friebds. After dating, he asked me to be his gf. Along the way he cooks for me, picks me up from airport. He also shared about his previous relationships and he told me they never lasted beyond 6 months.

    He tried to break up once after we quarelled but we patched up and he came to fetch me. Now that he might be joining his family on Australia, he wanted to break up again. I told him we that we had invested so much effort and I would be willing to follow him and find a job there. he said he would consider. Then one day, I find myself at his door step drunk. He seemed concerned but he invited me in to talk. It seemed nornal.

    He then asked if we could spend time on the day that he’s flying off to Australia. He has been messaging me everyday since. He even asked me to Skype with him yesterday because he wants to see me. He said he told his mum about me and she seemed to love me.

    The things is I saw his brother when he came to Singapore, but he is painfully shy and refused to hang out with my friends. I really want to make this work, what is going on?

  30. Hi guys, help?

  31. @Ruru……With what? What’s your question?

  32. Hey guys, I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend now. I’m not sure if he is with me because it it’s convenient or he decided to just settle since he knew I liked him?

    In essence, we were colleagues and became friends when he started msging me out of the blue and asking me out. Things were never fully platonic because we always hung out alone, we would have dinners and movies once a week, he almost always paid for me and he would jokingly say I’m beautiful etc. but we never held hands or did anything else. a couple of months later a friend asked if he was interested in me and he said ‘yeah’.

    But he never made a move! We just continued hanging out, and half a year after we started hanging out, he mentioned that he didn’t feel like being in a relationship. We had never discussed the possibility of us being in a relationship before, so I didn’t say much and backed off after that. He continued to MSG me and ask me out, and three months after
    that, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

    The thing is, I recently overheard his close friends saying that about 2 months before we got together (ie a month after I backed off), he was telling his friend that he liked me, knew that i would be a ‘good girlfriend’ because i was easygoing, knew I liked him, but wasnt sure if he wanted to close off other options for me (there was apparently another girl though he said i was ‘better’) He also said he was still on the lookout for other girls.

    I guess my question is – what could have changed in the two months that suddenly made him interested? Or did he just decide to settle for me since no other option appeared to be available at the time? Is there anything I can do?

    For context, he has told me before about girls he used to go after, and it seems that when he is interested, he would make it clear right from the start (telling her, flowers etc). So his behavior with me (the looking around, weighing pros and cons, waiting for almost a year before making a move) makes me feel like he is not really into me?

    He has been a good boyfriend to me so far (meeting a few times a week, texting, meeting respective families, telling me he loves me etc) though he doesn’t really go out of his way to do anything special. Am I thinking too much?

  33. @Confused….We can understand your reservation, but yes, you are thinking too much. Love is different for everyone. And it’s good that he’s not following his typical relationship pattern with you. (How’d those past relationships work out?) Of course you don’t want someone to “settle” for you, but weighing pros and cons is okay, as long as he’s physically attracted to you. If he’s unsure about that piece, then you’ve got a potential issue on your hands. Other than that, this sounds okay right now. But remember: The relationship has to work for you too. If you’re not getting what you need then you also have to weigh pros and cons.

  34. Hey guys! So I have a friend whom I have been getting closer and flirting with these past few months. Last month, I asked if he wanted to get into a serious relationship because I really liked him. He said that he had been thinking about it, but he decided not to pursue it. Afterwards our relationship wasn’t awkward, actually it got better! But it has all been mostly from his side, which has left me really bewildered. So my question is, is does he like me? Is he trying to tell me something?

  35. @Alisha……Didn’t he say he didn’t want to pursue a relationship? That would tell us he sees you as a friend. Maybe the friendship has gotten better because he feels relieved that the two of you talked about things.

  36. bruisedandconfused // March 24, 2013 at 7:44 am //

    Hi – I met a guy about 3 years ago. I was ending a LT relationship and we met once and continued to keep in touch by text. One time that I texted him he let me know he was engaged. Wished him happy and no more texts. A couple months later I contacted for referral due to type of work. He responded and let me know he was single. Being that I was also available when he asked about getting together (I took it as good sign) and said yes. We saw each other for awhile he told me he wasn’t looking to get serious (and wasn’t going to take care of another person liked he had done in previous relationship. He has child also and we had made plans to do something together with our kids. I get text he can’t make it and later I get text from him that he’s involved with someone else and has moved in with them. We never defined relationship so we’re just friends. Couple months go by and he’s confiding that there’s problems and then he moved out but then moved back in. (We are about same age while gf is 15+ years younger). I care about him bc he gave attention support (may not’ve realized it but I did) when I was going through a really bad time in personal/professional. So when similar happened to him I could relate and reciprocate GLADLY. He moved out again and we started seeing each other. He opened up more and made references to doing things with each other and kids. Now X was calling/texting and harassing abusing (I saw his reaction /aftermath after one such time.) He said he didn’t want to hear from her anymore but wanted to be Nice guy. During our time together he found out he has a serious medical condition that prompts a career change. Things start looking promising bc several job opportunities came through (previous line of work feast/famine) and decided to share news with her too. That prompts more calls and texts (I guess) and one night he decided toblock calls /texts after seeing what had been posted by X on social media site after their 2nd breakup. When he realized how long we’ve known each other he told me every day wo was his loss and he liked that I accepted him wo trying to change him. So I was once again blindsided when I get text that he’s made up with X and we can still be friends. I am hurt confused and heartbroken
    I was trying to keep it casual but I fell in love. I care about him so much and just can’t understand why he went back to someone that doesn’t treat him well and he knows this! He had said he only sex one person at a time and doesnt cheat but that also has been issue-accusation with previous gfs. (I think I’m girl #2 since his fiance broke engagement last year?? Not sure if I’m rebound or not) I’m torn as to what to do if/when he contacts bc he wants friendly/sympathetic voice to vent to bc she’s not providing at that moment.

  37. bruisedandconfused // March 24, 2013 at 7:57 am //

    That should be he had told me he only sees/dates one person at time. I did call one time and left message night got text
    Let him know I was hurt and questioned all things he had said to me

    I haven’t texted him directly since he’s gone back to her. I don’t even know if he got voicemail message. He unfriended on site with explanation didn’t want to do wrong thing and ‘people are sensitive’

  38. Hi, I’ve got a guy friend who cracks jokes that seemed to be abit insinuating in the sexual sense.

    For example, he’ll buy a robe and then look at me while he buy it. I’ll ask why he needs and he’ll go: I don’t like to wear clothes when I leave the bathroom.

    Or I’ll crack a general joke about how wearing 2 layers of socks is like wearing 2 layers of underwear, he’ll say : but my johnny is not cold.

    I’m not rigid or anything, and I can take dirty jokes that are meant to be funny. I just find it interesting how he like to give me information that I don’t need to know.

    Is he too comfortable with me, or is he trying out for more ( sex, relationship etc?) would like to understand more from a guy’s perspective before I react

    Should I tell him I’m not interested? He’s got a gf but they are in a long distance relationship and have some trouble

  39. @Janice….Taking into consideration the long distance girlfriend and the fact that they’re up and down, our best guess is that he’s putting out feelers to see how you’ll react. If you’re not interested, just ignore him. Because if you say you’re not interested he’ll pretend that you completely misinterpreted his jokes and then things will be awkward. Unless of course you don’t care and then you could say something like, “I wonder how your girlfriend would feel about you talking about your Johnny with me.” But then again, that might lead him on further. Good luck.

  40. Hi…..I have been friends with a guy for about four years and all our mutual friends agree with have something,,,,,,anyway last week this guy text me all these messages saying how much I mean to him, we should have sex, and he wants more then sex, he wants to know how I feel etc etc and he has never said things like that to me before so I let it go a few days and then told him how I felt and now ts like nothing was even mentioned!???!! He has really confused me and he bows how much of a big deal it was for me to tell him how I felt because I haven’t been n a relationship for ver seven years, we both have very bad pasts and we have low seal esteem trust issues and are scared to be hurt again so I know he wouldn’t do this to hurt me, I just don’t understand it??? Someone please help?

  41. @Kristy……..What do you mean you haven’t heard anything? He hasn’t responded to you or something?

  42. Hi… was like what he had texted me was all a big lie…..but I know he is not like that… friends are telling me it’s because I never told him how I felt straight after he told me and now h s confused as much as me……so I texted him a msg saying just forget I exist and I’m sorry I told you how I felt and the only reason I did is because of what u texted me first because I wouldn’t of had the confidence do do it otherwise …..that was a week ago and nothing……it was like he told me how he felt so I told him now nothing ?? Have I scared him?

  43. @ at on of the guys my last post was for

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