The other day I went on a nice walk with a friend of mine. He and I had been trying to get together for dinner, then revised that to coffee, and then settled on a morning walk. He’s big on exercise. I’d like to be.
Let’s pause. Some of you, subconsciously or not, have already thought upon reading this, “This sounds gay.” And that makes sense to me, because for whatever reason, “guys-guys” don’t take walks together. They play sports, they go out and watch sports, they chat at their kids’ events, but they certainly don’t take walks.
But why?
Because walks are not about walking. Walks are about socializing, and talking. The pace is slow; slow enough to get into an in depth conversation. Walking makes people relax, as if they’ve had a drink or two. And of course with a few drinks people talk, and more importantly they reveal.
Some people walk solely for the exercise. But those people usually walk alone. Even the women in those professional walking groups I see charting mileage around town, when asked, would admit the social component is a huge part of why they walk together.
So for most guys, a walk is something to be feared. Even the thought of going on a walk with a buddy is stressful, because walks break down defenses, and they make us be attentive and focused for longer than we’d like. And the easygoing pace makes it possible for the conversation to reach beyond the kids, the weather and the local team, and possibly delve into some “real” stuff. And guys as a whole don’t feel comfortable going down this road. (No pun intended.) Vulnerabilities are exposed. Weaknesses are discovered. And we can’t have our buddy thinking we actually have a chink in our armor. That just doesn’t sit right with us.
So we avoid walks at all costs. And in some cases avoid true friendships.
But as most of you have discovered if you’ve read our posts, THE GUYS belong to a unique subgroup amidst our meat eating brethren. We love conversation, and getting to the real stuff. What’s the point otherwise?
So I’m up for a walk anytime, I just don’t tell everyone this. I have to keep some of my reputation intact. Because if the rest of those OTHER guys hear about it, they’ll start posting signs at all the local sportsbars: No Walkers Allowed!
So we’d like to poll our readers with several questions. We’ll be discussing your answers in an upcoming podcast, as well as here in the comments section.
1. Do you know any guys that take walks together? (Yes, No)
2. Based on the guys you know, would you say they have deep connections with their friends? Choose below.
a) Very deep friendships. They definitely would take walks just to talk.
b) They occasionally talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.
c) They only talk about sports and women.
d) They don’t talk, just grunt occasionally when they’re with a friend.
3. Do guys need friendships as much as women? Or do they value them in the same way?

i don’t know any guys that walk together. but i agree with everything you say about walking.
most guys i know “talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.”
guys definitely need friendships but i don’t think they value them in the same way as women. we definitely need them to discuss our feelings. all the time. and to drink lots of wine. or vodka cocktails. and eat cheese.
I don’t know any guys who walk together and I don’t think I know any guys who talk about their feelings. I do think that guys needs friendships, they just don’t work as hard to cultivate them.
I don’t know any guys who walk together. I know a few who run together, but with my experience with running there is too much panting/cursing going on to have an in-depth conversation. I think everyone needs friendships. All I can do is speak from experience. My guy doesn’t want friends. All the friends he’s had end up screwing him over in some way and/or trying to steal his girl (not me). He said there’s no point. He said there was one couple he was friends with (after his divorce) who used to leave him gifts on his front porch (like food, washing machines, whatever. Seriously.) and would drop by at all hours and invite themselves in. He said they got really stalkery and weird and his porch looked like he was always having a garage sale. He hasn’t attempted any friendships since.
He does walk with me and our baby, he talks to me and he tells me I’m his best friend. And unlike the usual GUY stereotype he is not at all into sports. Any sport. He thinks I’m nuts because I like baseball and can tolerate bowling.
Did that help?
@pattypunker………Well we’re glad you need us for something.
@Anne………That is a great point. We don’t work as hard as we should to cultivate them.
@Elisa……..So what you’re saying is your Guy has you as a best friend, so he doesn’t really need any other friends. What do you think? Do you think it would help him if he had other friends besides you?
I know guys who run together. None who walk. You’re right that walking is a different deal all together. You DO get exercise, but it’s with an alternate focus. Walking and talking just kind of go together! I generally run by myself and walk with my friends -and value both equally. Glad I’m not a man. Sounds like I’d have a tough time finding someone to walk with!
I don’t know any guys who walk together unless they are in a group in suits:) Or sometimes you see guys in shirtsleeves who look like they are going or coming from lunch:) But for exercise I don’t see it. Lots of women in twos walk together.
My husband has lots of acquaintances and a handful of friends. He gauges friendship by whether someone will help him when he needs it in any way. He doesn’t trust many people and aside from discussing sports and current events he doesn’t say anything about feelings. He doesn’t talk about things he did either. If he has a problem he will share it with me and my family and rarely with his friends. Even though he doesn’t trust people he us very well respected in his profession.
I’m not too sure that many guys are as open as you GUYS are! Here is a topic I wish you would explore: Why do some guys get angry when you ask them questions about them to check on something? Why do you all always have to be right all the time? I don’t mean you GUYS but the vast mass of guys out there:)
In my experience the men I know do have a few long and intimate friendships- and with those few people they do tend to get over the BS and actually talk. But those relationships are relegated to just a few people.
My husband has a best friend that is more like a brother- they have been friends since they were in diapers and when they get together (which unfortunately is not as often as they like since they live across the country from each other now) they drink lots of jack and get deep. But that is because they have know eachother forever. But I do not know if they would go walking together- maybe if it was to a bar or something. I wonder why- interesting question.
1. I don’t know anyone that walks together, but I do know men that go to the gym together and I think weight training allows for the same type of bonding and revelation that walking does if you let it.
2. Many of my male friends are actually gay. They have deep connections with each other and it has nothing to do with sexuality unless you count having a support structure as part of that sexuality. I also have straight male friends that are able to have deep connections with other men including the gay men in my circle of friends.
3. So…I know that men are capable of having deep connections with their friends. Perhaps straight men are just preoccupied with making sure no one *thinks* they’re gay and developing deep connections with other men might undermine that goal?
I’m not sure if men need friendships as much as women, but I think it says a lot about a guy when he has at least one good friend that he keeps and cares about even if they just get together to watch the game and grunt at each other. Having a group of good friends just says something about character whether you’re male or female, imo.
@Heather…………..Yes you might. Thanks for sharing.
@Barbara…………..Guys are hard headed. But also, once we admit we’re wrong it makes us look vulnerable. It’s in our genetic make up to do anything we can to not look vulnerable. If we’re vulnerable that means someone is coming to steal our girl. That’s a lot of hard wiring to be reprogrammed. Maybe we’ll explore this further. Thanks for your thoughts and question.
@MountainMomma…………Something about having a history together makes it easier for guys to open up to each other. It takes longer for guys to trust one another.
@Lovy…………..Love your logic. It is true, that men will go to great lengths to not be perceived as gay. We(THE GUYS) certainly enjoy our friendships. Men rely too much on their girlfriends, spouses, etc. to provide them with all their emotional support.
Enter your comments here…
OOPS. lol. I can work this thing. I can. Really.
*ahem* ANYWAY…in another life I would have said yes, I think that my guy should probably have other friends. People who like to do things he likes to do that I may not like. Say, get together and watch wrestling or kick each other in the head boxing. *shudder* But my ex husband had “boys night out” which is where he picked up drinking as a coping mechanism and found his cheering squad for “should I have an affair”. Boys night out was with other guys from work and that turned into EVERYONE from work which is where SHE was so…no…I’m hesitant to let him gather with cavemen with no morals.
And, if he had a girl friend say from childhood it might be nice that he had her to talk to to get a woman’s side of things before he said something to me then couldn’t figure out why I have no idea what he’s saying. BUT…for both of us….there are the suspicious warinesses and neither of us have opposite sex friends so that we know there’s nothing even POSSIBLY going on. It takes too long and way too much effort to heal from being with a cheater, and we’re both too tired to even open up that possibility.
Yes, that probably sounds really….i dunno. Hopeless? Pathetic? But we both agree and this relationship we have is just US. There are other people in the background, but that’s where they stay. Way way back.
I should say that if he wanted some real friends (guys) to hang out with, invite over for dinners or game night or whatever, I would be into that. I’m not standing over him with a whip saying ‘No friends! NO!’ I have a few women I talk to, but don’t hang out with and I don’t see ALL friends ruining our lives. LOL.
I don’t know if I’m making sense any more. I need a juice.
I don’t know of men taking walks… have nothing against and it kinda of sounds cool…….but I know that men will meet up maybe at the bar, gym or so… Most men I have come across will generally talk about, sports, children and women…. I think men do bond quite well and do express their feelings occasionally…
Oh! I had a memory. Patrick Stewart (Star Trek, X-Men) said that when he’s home (in England) he goes for walks after dinner all the time. He was visiting friends in Los Angeles and said that people there just DO NOT walk. However, he talked his friend into it. He said they were having a nice walk and his friend’s wife came past in her car on her way home, rolled down her window and yelled, “OMG! What’s wrong??” Patrick’s like, “We’re just walking.” The friend’s wife is “Oh god, what happened? Get in the car!”
He said he never asked anyone else to walk with him.
Hahahahahaha.
I personally don’t know any adult men who walk together, even walking dogs. And I have to admit, I would notice, because it would be so unusual. But kids do it all the time. Maybe because they can’t drive.
Most men are friends via shared experiences–sporting events, business, music, etc. My husband has friends he has known since elementary school and friends that he knows through work, but he is intensely private and would balk at the intimacy of the friendships that I have.I think many men find that kind of intimacy frightening, because it can make you vulnerable. And men are not supposed to be vulnerable to other men. At least in their minds.
LOL I love when you say “walks break down defenses, and they make us be attentive and focused for longer than we’d like.” So true!
1. Do you know any guys that take walks together?
No, I guess because of the reasons you state lol Sharing does not seem to feel natural to them and I actually think its because of this macho/masculine way we have of raising our males trying to teach them how to be men, but thats a whole nother story. However they do other things that bond them and enable them to share and release their feelings.
2. Based on the guys you know, would you say they have deep connections with their friends? Choose below.
a) Very deep friendships. They definitely would take walks just to talk.
b) They occasionally talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.
A mixture of both a & b, when one is troubled the rest take time to assess the situation as if they first need to make sure it is necessary to unveil their soft sides. !
3. Do guys need friendships as much as women? Or do they value them in the same way?
They absolutely do. Gender has no bearing on whether a human being needs connection, we all need connection and support.
Do they value friendships in the same way? I would say, why wouldnt they? Men are not from a different planet no matter what John Gray says! The two genders might process and handle situations or ideas in a different way but ultimately I believe our emotional needs are no different from each others.
@Elisa……………….That Patrick Stewart story is hilarious. No one’s shouted out the window at me/us yet.
@Elisa……………You bring up a whole other question. Can men and women who are in committed relationships have friends of the opposite sex. Now that’s a very complicated question that we will absolutely address here. I for one am all for it. I have a bunch of very close women friends that were part of my life before I met my wife to be. She(my wife) is very easy going and doesn’t get jealous. However, I’ve never given her any reason for her to be jealous which I think is a big part of whether it works or not. Interesting stuff.
@Fatima………..Thanks for your comments. I’m glad you have nothing against men taking walks.
@Sugar Snow……….See, you would notice. And so would everyone. It’s damn hard being a guy in this way. OK, I’m half-kidding.
@Lola……………This is very helpful. We are going to gather all the info and discuss on our podcast. I agree with you. We all need to be connected to other people. But some men have been so hardwired to resist this. I’m trying to raise my boys to be aware of their feelings, and to make strong connections with both boys/men and girls/women. However, I also want them to be able to kick everyone’s ass on the ball field. Yes, that’s me. A mix of “very aggressive” and empathic. Damn, it’s a curse!!!
Here’s me………..I’m a good athlete so I did well in most athletic situations. I tried to completely dominate. And then I would feel horrible about it and try to make the person or people feel better.
You asked, so I’ll deliver:
1. I hear that there is a group of “older” men who take a walk at work. They work at a small site of the “mothership” & so this is why It’s only hear-say & not first hand knowledge. They are not gay. Beyond that, I don’t know of any other men that walk together….
2. b) They occasionally talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.
3. No. Most men get what they need emotionally from the women in their lives. Then they get too much & settle for hanging with the guys,
1. Do you know any guys that take walks together? (Yes, No)
* Nope.
2. Based on the guys you know, would you say they have deep connections with their friends? Choose below.
a) Very deep friendships. They definitely would take walks just to talk.
b) They occasionally talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.
c) They only talk about sports and women.
d) They don’t talk, just grunt occasionally when they’re with a friend.
* Most of the guys I know fall into the category C. But there are a few in my life that fall under A.
3. Do guys need friendships as much as women?
* YES!
Or do they value them in the same way?
* I dont know, but they should!
i must live on another planet Throughout my life I’ve had strong emotional relationships with men, starting with my two older brothers. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve stayed up into the wee hours of the night having heart-to-heart talks with my close male friends, pouring out our souls to one anoth, as we walked on some deserted beach, or across a college campus, or down the streets of Manhattan. It seems inconceivable that none of the guys here have experienced that kind of emotional intimacy with another man, but maybe it has to do with the era I grew up in.
@GoGo………Interesting, especially #3.
@Meleah………Thanks. And who would those be? The guys that fall into Category A? Family? Brother? Other?
@Nothingprofound…..I totally get it. That’s how I’ve always been. It makes life so much more interesting. I think many guys are missing out. And to put so much pressure on one person to fulfill all of their needs is partly why divorce is so high in this country.
I don’t know any guys who take walks. Though, I do think guys need to cultivate friendship. I love making friends…:)
Nice post. Good job, guys!
Toodles!
@Mr. Stupid…….It’s good to know you’re one of THE GUYS! Have a good day.
oh no, i meant that’s why we value our friendships with women. we need men for a ton of other things . . .
1. Nope! I don’t know any guys that walk together, but I think that’s awesome.
2. I would say b, but replace kids with girlfriends/wives. They talk about them a little bit.
3. I think guys need that guy time, but it’s far different from when us ladies get together to gab. My fiance was just telling me the other day how he values silence, and that among men to be able to sit and watch sports, or sit and play cards in relative quiet is peaceful. I don’t know that they value the friendships in the same way at all. I know Match values his friendship with me, and I know I’m pretty much the only one he opens up to. It’s sad that guys can’t be as close to one another. I’m glad to see you’re going on that walk, you’re breaking through that discomfort.
Hey Guys!
I love this blog because it is so interesting to read ‘the guys’ perspective and you all are so real about it. I love your little subgroup and I hope more men come by (and women, for that matter) to see how getting to the heart of the matter can make for a better, more fulfilling life.
Here are my responses to your questions:
1.) Do you know any guys that take walks together? (Yes, No)
Actually, the only guys I have ever known that walked together were gay. Now, I have walked with many straight (and gay, for that matter) guys and we had great conversations–but I think men rely on women to ignite and keep conversations going. I think, as you said, that most men fear that.
2. Based on the guys you know, would you say they have deep connections with their friends? Choose below.
b) They occasionally talk about their feelings, but mostly about the kids. Conversation is news and sports oriented.
3. Do guys need friendships as much as women? Or do they value them in the same way?
Absolutely–but the men that I’ve known tend to “do” think with their friends, such as shooting hoops, playing golf, going to a game, working out. Whereas women tend to have get togethers that aren’t based so much on “doing” but more on communicating.
Interesting poll! I’ll be waiting to hear what the results are!
Melinda
Yes, category A belongs to my DAD and my BROTHER!
Category C belongs to most of the guys I see/hear/talk to at my country club!
Good point—I love hiking with my best friend and it’s definitely easier to talk things through when you’re doing something relatively active.
In response to your question—My boyfriend likes to hike/walk with his friends for the same reasons. I think it’s such a healthy thing…he has deeper friendships. It actually started because he and his friends were going through divorces and needed support and to talk things out. I think it really helped them move on and come to peace with what was happening.
I know a lot of guys that “hike” together, but I don’t think I know any that take neighborhood walks together. I’ve never really thought about it before, but you definitely make some good points. And, to answer your question, the guys I know (and like) are probably a mixture of a and b, just no walking (yet).
Growing up with two brothers I’d have to say, “Negative Ghostrider.”
Just not cool, but….. if you are a more of a metrosexual guy, carry a man purse, and get manicures. Then by all means, take walks with each other. *not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with that*
On another note our Church does men’s retreats and I bet they walk and talk together.
@Date Girl……….I think Match’s experience is typical of most guys. Hanging out. Watching sports, playing cards. Shooting the shit, but not delving into anything deep. Like I said, it’s wired in us. Or at least most of us. Glad Match has you.
@Melinda………Yes, you’re right. Men are about doing…activities…..women are about communicating and conversation. Thanks for your thoughts.
@Kelly………..Well at least something good happened from the divorce(Besides meeting you of course!) Close friendships certainly help us get through the tough times.
@Brooke…………Yes, something about walking kind of takes it up a notch doesn’t it. It’s almost funny to think about.
@Angelia…………..NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE NICE GUY LABEL!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Meleah………..That’s what I figured. And that’s a good thing.
@Patty punker……….nuff said.
Enter your comments here…
I do know men who take walks together. My boyfriend and his good friends take walks together frequently….and as far as how in depth they go, I”d give them a “B.” My X boyfriend also takes walks frequently with his friends, and his depth level is definately an “A.” I suppose it may be an oddity. Or perhaps I’m attracted to guys who go deep. All my male friends take “walks” and most go extremely in depth!
Love the guys,
Cathy
Yes, in fact, I do know some guys who “walk” together and no, they’re not gay! These guys work at the same office I do and they do that to get some exercise (they’re both somewhat overweight), get away from the office, and to set an example for others at the office (to exercise – that is!). I’ve also seen men from neighboring office buildings do the same.
Perhaps the connotation about male walking that you described maybe regional or localized. Since you got me curious, maybe you ought to do a little more in-depth survey and find out whether the respondents live in a metro, rural, or suburban area. Hmmm…
HEY there fucker! YOU are way more hung up on the whole walking with your dude friend than anyone else is!!!!
SHIT! Are you trying to tell us something??? HA!!!!
Who the hell cares if you walk together? Make sure there is a hot ass bitch in a sports bra running somewhere near by and nobody will even notice you and your boyfrien- oops, I mean very good man friend.
We still don’t say it aloud, right GUY?
Heart your face asshat!
@Cathy…………I think deep conversation is one of the most interesting things to do here on this planet. The stuff below the surface is what’s really fascinating.
@Liggy………….Maybe. I wonder. Or does it have to do with education? Who knows? My guess is it changes from person to person. It’s about comfort levels. (With themselves and others)
@Ash……………You only wish.
No, I’m not hung up, just making an observation. Have you really ever seen guys walking together? Not during lunch time at work, but around the neighborhood? When I was out walking I realized that guys don’t actually walk together. I thought it was so amusing. Wait til you read our next post. We’ll be taking this to another level.
1. Do you know any guys that take walks together? Yes the guys at work take a walk together, but it is a fast pace walk with weights.
2. Based on the guys you know, would you say they have deep connections with their friends? Choose below.
a) Very deep friendships. I would say that they dont take walks as much as go play golf together or go mountain biking and even the occasional hike, but no walks around the neighborhood, that they do not do. I have very little time and I would rather take a walk around the neighborhood with my wife and family than my buddy.
3. Do guys need friendships as much as women? Or do they value them in the same way?
I think we value our friendships in a very different way, but we care for those close friends we do have. Close friends to me as a GUY are ones I can trust because they have proven themselves to be great friends through hardship. I have no time for idle friendships.
When my friends do come around and we do take walks, we talk about pretty much anything. I don’t think you’re any less of a man if your conversations are about anything that seems unmanly to the general public. I do draw the line at holding hands, however.
@Warthog………..I like your point about close friendships. Guys need to have people they can trust who’ve been with them through hard times. Maybe only then will they open up.
@Kelly…………Amen….funny!
Ooooh, I love it! You GUYS never give it back to me! always so polite and gentlemen-like!!!
My husband used to walk with a guy in the neighborhood. This guy is very MALE. In other words, he likes to give his advice, his opinion on things, and tell you how much he’s able to accomplish in one weekend. Here’s an example “Hey Rich, how ya doing? Yeah, I fertilized the lawn, did the mulch around the entire house, brought my daughter to and from travel soccer, and visited my mother in assisted living on Saturday. Let’s get together for a walk sometime, o.k.?” Oh, but unfortunately that doesn’t happen anymore. When it used to happen (before the list of chores became endless) said MALE would share more personal issues while strolling with my husband around the neighborhood and through the cemetery. The dialogue then was more like this: “Look at these tombstones. Have you thought of all the people our age in Acton who have died unexpectedly? Do you go to church? I’ve got this great book on Ghandi. I’ll loan you a copy.” Wow, what a difference a walk makes. Maybe you guys should just make a pact to all be “gay” and walk regularly. It would be a good thing.
@Janet……I love this. Thanks for sharing. And I agree with you, we should make a pact. Exercise and deep conversation. That’s a pretty potent combination. FYI: Your husband’s buddy sounds slightly annoying when he’s not walking!
Annoying is right! He was dousing his lawn with liquid fertilizer one day when I told him my mother had suffered a serious fall. His response was, “Oh, that’s too bad–what happened?” But there was no stopping him-I had to mirror his steps in order to share my story as he spread more fertilizer.