Why is he not asking me out?

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Dear Guys,

I recently met a guy at work.  He had transferred from our company’s UK office to my office in Sydney about 3 months ago.  He showed an interest in me from the very beginning – in and out of the office. In the office, he would find excuses to talk to me even though we weren’t working in the same department. Outside the office—we went to the pub a few times with other colleagues— he simply couldn’t keep his hands off me; he would rub my knees and arms as we talked, not paying attention to anyone else there. Everyone in the office knew he liked me.

At first I wasn’t interested in him; I was actually interested in another guy in the office. (But very few people knew about it). The thought of flirting with him to get the other guy jealous did cross my mind but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I kept that to a minimum. He never tried to “hide his feelings” for me. During a game of Beer-pong at work on a Friday evening, he had his hands on me the whole time and didn’t seem to care that everyone in the office saw that. He even put his hand on my butt at one time but I slapped it away.

Recently I find myself starting to like him.  He’s a good-looking guy and definitely knows how to work his charms on women when he wants to. I’ve also been assigned to manage a few of the projects that he sold. He would “micro-manage” those projects with me just so that he could talk to me. When we’re talking business, there’s always quite a bit of flirting. But the thing is, he never asked me out. I even hinted to him that I wanted to see a show, creating a chance for him to ask me out but he didn’t.

Just over a week ago we were going to watch a game together with two of our colleagues who both backed out in the last minute, so it ended up being just the two of us. (There were two other people we were supposed to meet up with but he never called them.) After the game he kissed me. We then went to a pub where we talked and kissed again. He’s a good kisser and the kisses we shared were very passionate. He asked me what my dreams were and whether or not I wanted a family. Later that evening he walked me to the station where we kissed goodbye. I was quite surprised that he didn’t suggest coming home with me as I had suspected he was only after sex.

That was a week and half ago and he has not asked me out again since. (The truth is, he never did ask me out – the game date was an “accident.”) He still flirts with me at work and will come over to my desk any chance he gets to talk to me. When we are alone in the office kitchen, he will try and get physically very close to me that I have to back away because I don’t think it is appropriate.

So why is he not asking me out?  I’m so frustrated and confused.

Thanks in advance!


Dear Helen,

Thanks for your question.

In some ways work is a great place to meet someone. It’s very different from a bar or a party where the “hope,” or at least the “thought,” that you might meet some great new person is always in the air. Work allows people to gradually get to know each other and really understand each other on many levels. So inevitably feelings develop between people. However, not everyone is comfortable pursuing those feelings and taking them to the next level.

However, this guy doesn’t seem to care about that. Sure he’s given you some mixed messages, but the majority of the time he’s got his hands all over you. In our minds this would connote a player. And that could be the reason he’s not asking you out. Because even though he didn’t ask to come up to your apartment the night the two of you “went out,” this doesn’t mean his goal is anything other than getting you in bed. Players who are really good don’t necessarily jump at the first opportunity. Instead they play it cool, even so far as to inquire about the future.

First of all tell this guy in no uncertain terms that he should not be touching you during work. It’s unprofessional and not cool. Then you need to have a chat with him and let him know you would be open to him asking you out. After that, play it cool and see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’s still not sure where you’re at since you weren’t interested in him right away. Maybe he feels you’re fickle, and that he’s really your second choice. This would explain a lot. If a guy feels like he’s more of an afterthought he might not be too excited to get into a serious relationship, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the same woman as a Booty Call. Remember, the male ego doesn’t often forget. And if his has been wounded it’s constantly reminding him of that fact.

Let us know which one he is: Wounded Warrior or Playa!

Good luck.


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114 Comments on Why is he not asking me out?

  1. Hey guys, I met this guy through work whom I am starting to like. The job environment I work in is very tight, meaning we see each other and interact with each other on a daily basis. I haven’t dated for four years now so I am definitely out if the loop on things I should do. My last relationship left me scared of commitment and doubtful! My colleague and I seem to flirt quite a lot during work but we know when to stop. We don’t let it get in the way if our work. We constantly tease each other, like if he sees me walking past him. He once got some scotch tape and was going to use it to block my path or he will extend his legs so I can pass. It’s really cute! We do nice things for each other as well, if we ask for things the other doesn’t mind getting it. I guess that’s just politeness? On several occasions, I think he did come close to asking me out but I got nervous and it didn’t happen. So I’m afraid I might have sent him rejection vibes, when I didn’t mean to!! Guys, this is the first guy in a while that makes me happy and it’s not those puppy love kinda things..One time,
    work was extremely slow! He got out a piece of paper and was playing connect four with me. We didn’t get far because things started to get busy so we had to stop. I ended up ending the game, and when I handed the piece of paper back to him. I swore I heard him mutter “I could had my chance.” I can’t stop thinking of those moments because I’m afraid I lost my chance with him already. At the beginning he seemed to pursue me but I guess after this accidental rejections (accident on my part), he seems now to be playing hard to get. Either that, he doesn’t like me..We have had conversations, like yesterday we talked about our parents and their occupation. What should I do? I feel so lost right now, and I don’t want him to think I am not interested. How do I convey to him that I like him?

  2. @Rachel……First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it! A few questions for you: How old are both of you? How many people in your office? How long have you been working there? And how long have you had these types of interactions with this guy? Let us reassure you that you didn’t blow anything. If he really likes you then he’s not going to all of a sudden stop liking you. (Unless he’s very immature or insecure.) So, fill us in a bit more and we’ll go from there. Thanks.

  3. Hey guys, I appreciate your help!!! I am 19 yrs old and he is 24 yrs old. There are about 14 people that work in our office. I have been working there for almost 2 years, I have been there longer than he has. I would say around 2 weeks or a little more. Do you think it’s too soon? I am not sure typically how long we’re supposed to spend to getting to know each other. What do I do if there is another coworker that likes him? He’s told me he has no feelings for her. Today she was talking to both of us but ened up looking directly at him while she was talking. Previously, him and I were messing around and I ended up running into a chair. So when that girl coworker and the guy I like were talking, I had to pass by them and he reached out toward me touching my arm to make sure I was okay. From guessing, I think he was signaling to that girl that he likes me? Is this right? Much appreciated!!

  4. @Rachel…….To us, you’re conveying pretty clearly that you’re interested. Maybe he’s too young to pick up on it, or not experienced enough. But probably the biggest deterrent to him asking you out is the fact that you work together in a small, tight-knit community of people. It’s likely he doesn’t want to rock that boat. But we do think he’s interested. Keep flirting and doing what you’re doing. But the ball is in his court. If he doesn’t ask you out soon it’s likely he’s not going to. Don’t ask him out. ps. No, it’s not too soon. Two years!! We say: “C’mon guy, get with the program.” keep us posted.

  5. hi there! firstly I love this page I always read the articls but now I have my own dilemma. almost two months ago I met a guy at a party, cos I was doing a promotion there… and at first we both just wanted to have like a one night stand but then we started liking each other and so we went on dates and ive met a lot of his friends, I know where he works, my family knows him and everything is great excpet for one thing. He hasnt asked me to be his girlfriend yet, and I cant see why. The other day we had a fight and after we made ammends he told me that he thinks he loves me but its too soon and I sort of strayed away from the topic. And his 23 and im still 18, doing my final year of highschool so his excuse for not asking me before was because of exams, he said he didnt my head in the clouds. Now its been 3 weeks that my exams are done and nothing. I bring it up a lot but he never seems to tell me why he hasnt asked me to be his official. What do u think guys?

  6. I forgot to mention that we speak about everything together, we have a blast around each other. We hang out often and get high, like normal young love… and weve kissed but he never tries to touch me inappropriatEly or anything like that, I even get worried that his not pushing me into having sex or anything like that.

  7. Hi guys, I’m hannah and i’m confused…I’ve liked this guy for four years now. We have always been friends and talked off and on even dated once in junior high. When we are together he makes me feel like i’m the only girl in the world he gave me a massage and cuddled with me. he treated me so right. He wouldn’t stop looking in my eyes and smiling. I caught him staring at me while i slept. He even said he feels really comfortable around me. we connected so well. we had a long talk he asked me about my ex and he talked about how his ex hurt him but he’s over her but it hurt his self esteem. the night was perfect. The thing is he never texts me.. ever. he changes plans alot too like he doesn’t want to hang out. He has a past with flirting with girls but i don’t know if he likes me or maybe he has his guard up since he got hurt pretty bad from his last relationship. should i just let him be? did he change his mind about how he feels? or am i just another girl to him? every time we ‘talk” we stop for no reason it’s been a pattern throughout the years. I really care for him and want it to work someday. i haven’t told him how i felt but the signs i give are obvious. he is very handsome so he has a lot of choices.

  8. Wow this websight is grate! I’ve never shared before but lets give it a try. I’m talking to a guy that I’ve know since high school. Back then we only hung out with our friends, never one on one. I had a crush on him but he had a gf and I moved on. But I just got out of a 4 year relationship. I’ve bumped into him several times while I was with my ex but we were always sweet to each other cause we’ve never had a sexual history. However somehow we got into talking again and he has gotten cutter over the years and seems more of a gentlemen than I remember. I’m trying to get him to hangout but when he sais to let him now he never makes a date to actually hang out and says “talk to you later. Have a grate night :)”. It makes me confused like he is not into me at all, be he texts me every now and then and thinks that my career is really cool. So far he sais he is going to meet me at an art class cause he thinks it would be fun to paint, but I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun too much. I would like to tell him that I’m interested in talking to him without seeming like I’m desperate; which im not. What should I do?

  9. @Alice…..Do what you’re doing. Flirt. Text back to him. Talk to him when you see him. But let him initiate. It’s early. Be patient.

  10. Hey guys, I previously left a comment back in June about a coworker. The place where I work is in a very small environment of 15 people, so I pretty much interact with him on a daily basis. At first, we were developing a friendship and getting to know each other while basically showing we liked each other more than friends. Eventually he asked me out and we went out on a date. We went on a few dates, the last ended with us holding hands no kissing or having sex at all. Then afterwards, we just sort of stopped talking as much. We never got to have the conversation about our feelings for each other. Things at work don’t feel the same. I struggle with insecurity and confidence so there will be days that I feel like he didn’t like me. Do you think that scared him away? I know I passed my opportunity to talk with him, but I still am having a hard time moving on! I know even if I get closure I will still be in a slump. It’s hard to see him every day at work. Is it possible to just be friends with him? Yesterday, I texted him saying how we haven’t talked in a while. He responded only two times then stopped, granted it was late at night. What should I do? It’s hard to not be reminded about the good feeling I had when we went on those dates. I know I shouldn’t take things personal, but I feel so rejected. I don’t want him to ignore me! I’m clueless, because I know inside my heart still wants to have hope but my mind says to let him go and call for the next possible guy I come across.

  11. @Rachel…….Nice to hear from you again, although we’re sorry it’s under these circumstances. First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it. And just so you know, this may be the last question we answer here. Our site is coming down any day now. Sorry. So to your question: We don’t think you scared him away, at least not from what you’re telling us. Dating someone at work can be very tricky. And that’s the most likely reason for him pulling back. Because the potential fall out from a work relationship is much greater than your typical relationship. It seems he pulled the plug before that could happen. The bigger question it seems is why you feel so rejected and are taking this so hard? Moving forward you have to understand that most relationships run their course, which means the majority of relationships end at some point. It’s just the way it works. You may have to date another ten guys, give or take, before you meet THE ONE, or at least the one that you choose, and who chooses you. What we’re saying is, you’re amplifying this to a point that is much greater than what you actually had together. Yes, it was nice. Yes, you had a good time. And yes, we’re sure you had or have genuine feelings for the guy. But you didn’t date this man for three years, you went out on three dates. So really, it’s time to move on here. He would still be pursuing you if he had any plans to do so. He’s not and you need to accept that. Our advice: Work on yourself as much as possible. Maybe talk to someone? A professional counselor or therapist perhaps. Try to get to a place where you feel more confident and secure in yourself. Not only will that make you feel stronger if this happens again, but it will also make you more attractive. Good luck and all the best.

  12. confusedaboutaguy // October 23, 2013 at 11:16 am //

    Hi, A guy at work flirts with me and shows all signs that he likes me..teases me a lot, makes me laugh all the time, enquires whether I like something or not, talks to me all the time, sits next to me, puts his hand on my shoulder, keeps looking at my face, touches me on my arm or back etc. I am beginning to like him and flirt back with him. We are always laughing whenever together. I think he knows that I like him too. The only catch is we work in different cities and meet only during team meetings. I met him 4 times last 3months. He remembers everything about me and refers to our previous conversations. He told me on his own that he is a divorcee and has a child. He said he likes my sense of humour and jokingly enquired whether I have a boy friend. In our last meeting he took my phone no and texted me something funny about other guy who is in the same room. This was two weeks ago and I thought he would keep in contact this time and pursue me. But I didn’t hear from him. Exactly at the end of two weeks he sent me an invite to connect on a professional network! I thought it was such a lame move or is he telling me that this is only professional connection! I am confused. I am the only woman in a large team so I don’t get to observe whether he flirts the same way with other women. Or is he hesitating because I am a coworker! I am 39 and he is 42 btw.He has all the qualities that I am looking for in a man and would love if this progresses into something more. But I am hanging back and playing it cool to see whether he would make an attempt to contact me. What do you guys think of this situation? Hopeful or should I write off?

  13. I was wondering about a situation that I am in. I started a FB relationship with a guy who ended up being a part of my mutual friends group (We barely knew each other, met at a bar) last Feb. We continued this until July 4th at which point I ended it because I wanted more. We completely stopped speaking except for a few times we saw each other in public (which did not always go well). Things calmed down and in October, we decided to try a mutually exclusive FWB relationship with the possibility that it could turn into something more and have better communication. I realize now that I had feelings this whole time. We have spent a lot of time together since then, going to dinner, talking, etc (with me initiating most of it). I spoke to him today about if he saw any potential with us and he said that while he really cared for me and liked to spend time with me, something is missing. He also said that while he doesn’t see this going anywhere, we could continue to sleep together and spend time together.

    I know that men mean what they say but what does “missing something” mean? Is there something wrong with me or something that I did? I realize that I did not do this right. I had sex with him too quickly. I chased him. He was really hurt in his last relationship (last 3 years and she dumped him out of the blue.) He is only 25 and I am 30.

    I should add that I do not think that he is awful person for telling me this. I’m glad that he at least told me. I just want to feel better about the situation and myself. Part of me just wants to start all of this over with him and just be his friend. Is that even possible? Or is that just a lie I am telling myself in hopes that he will change his mind?

  14. @Tay……Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. To your question: All of the things you’re describing are exactly why we don’t love FWB arrangements. They are ripe for misunderstanding, confusion, and disappointment. First off, you didn’t do anything wrong. Guys usually know right away what kind of potential they see in a woman. (Possible girlfriend material, sex only, friendship w/sex, friendship, not interested at all.) Your behavior unlikely changed his assessment. And his past relationship also did not factor into this. (And if he’s citing that as his reason for not wanting to commit it’s just an excuse.) What does he mean by missing something? It means he doesn’t feel how he’d like to feel in order to take this to the next level. But since you asked we’ll do our best to tell explain. When guys make an initial assessment it’s usually purely physical. They say to themselves, “She’s so hot. I have to have her.” Or “She’s so gorgeous I have to have her.” Sometimes they’re only attracted to a woman’s body but not much else. In that case they might say, “I really want to (blank) her.” And finally, if a guy pursues a woman he finds attractive but then feels that there’s some kind of intellectual connection missing he might want sex but nothing else. Age might also be playing a factor in your case. A 25 year old guy might not want to get serious with an older woman. (Of course in the big picture you’re still quite young.) You see Tay, trying to figure this out not going to help your self-esteem. In fact, your self-esteem has already taken a big hit by trying to figure this guy out. We suggest you remove yourself from this situation as quickly as you can. This is going nowhere, and he means exactly what he says. Something is missing. And the more you try to probe and figure it out the more down you’re going to get. If he’s not interested in everything you have to offer someone else will be. Right now you’re keeping yourself in an emotional holding pattern. Time to move on. You deserve better, but you need to believe that yourself. Good luck. We wish you the best.

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