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Dear Guys,

I recently met a guy at work.  He had transferred from our company’s UK office to my office in Sydney about 3 months ago.  He showed an interest in me from the very beginning – in and out of the office. In the office, he would find excuses to talk to me even though we weren’t working in the same department. Outside the office—we went to the pub a few times with other colleagues— he simply couldn’t keep his hands off me; he would rub my knees and arms as we talked, not paying attention to anyone else there. Everyone in the office knew he liked me.

At first I wasn’t interested in him; I was actually interested in another guy in the office. (But very few people knew about it). The thought of flirting with him to get the other guy jealous did cross my mind but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I kept that to a minimum. He never tried to “hide his feelings” for me. During a game of Beer-pong at work on a Friday evening, he had his hands on me the whole time and didn’t seem to care that everyone in the office saw that. He even put his hand on my butt at one time but I slapped it away.

Recently I find myself starting to like him.  He’s a good-looking guy and definitely knows how to work his charms on women when he wants to. I’ve also been assigned to manage a few of the projects that he sold. He would “micro-manage” those projects with me just so that he could talk to me. When we’re talking business, there’s always quite a bit of flirting. But the thing is, he never asked me out. I even hinted to him that I wanted to see a show, creating a chance for him to ask me out but he didn’t.

Just over a week ago we were going to watch a game together with two of our colleagues who both backed out in the last minute, so it ended up being just the two of us. (There were two other people we were supposed to meet up with but he never called them.) After the game he kissed me. We then went to a pub where we talked and kissed again. He’s a good kisser and the kisses we shared were very passionate. He asked me what my dreams were and whether or not I wanted a family. Later that evening he walked me to the station where we kissed goodbye. I was quite surprised that he didn’t suggest coming home with me as I had suspected he was only after sex.

That was a week and half ago and he has not asked me out again since. (The truth is, he never did ask me out – the game date was an “accident.”) He still flirts with me at work and will come over to my desk any chance he gets to talk to me. When we are alone in the office kitchen, he will try and get physically very close to me that I have to back away because I don’t think it is appropriate.

So why is he not asking me out?  I’m so frustrated and confused.

Thanks in advance!


Dear Helen,

Thanks for your question.

In some ways work is a great place to meet someone. It’s very different from a bar or a party where the “hope,” or at least the “thought,” that you might meet some great new person is always in the air. Work allows people to gradually get to know each other and really understand each other on many levels. So inevitably feelings develop between people. However, not everyone is comfortable pursuing those feelings and taking them to the next level.

However, this guy doesn’t seem to care about that. Sure he’s given you some mixed messages, but the majority of the time he’s got his hands all over you. In our minds this would connote a player. And that could be the reason he’s not asking you out. Because even though he didn’t ask to come up to your apartment the night the two of you “went out,” this doesn’t mean his goal is anything other than getting you in bed. Players who are really good don’t necessarily jump at the first opportunity. Instead they play it cool, even so far as to inquire about the future.

First of all tell this guy in no uncertain terms that he should not be touching you during work. It’s unprofessional and not cool. Then you need to have a chat with him and let him know you would be open to him asking you out. After that, play it cool and see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’s still not sure where you’re at since you weren’t interested in him right away. Maybe he feels you’re fickle, and that he’s really your second choice. This would explain a lot. If a guy feels like he’s more of an afterthought he might not be too excited to get into a serious relationship, but it certainly wouldn’t stop him from pursuing the same woman as a Booty Call. Remember, the male ego doesn’t often forget. And if his has been wounded it’s constantly reminding him of that fact.

Let us know which one he is: Wounded Warrior or Playa!

Good luck.


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