Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.

And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.

And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.

Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’

Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..

Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.

Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?

He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.

Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.

Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.

And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women

Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.

But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?

Three reasons. (Actually Four)

  1. The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
  2. The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
  3. He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
  4. He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)

As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.

So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow: 

If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.

A few final words:  A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.

Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.






242 Comments on Friends with Benefits: The Guy’s Perspective

  1. @Renee….Sorry for this outcome. Thanks for filling us in. Take care of yourself and keep in touch.

  2. One of the Guys:
    Aloha. I did end up seeing him today. He went out of his way to show up somewhere he knew I would be and we saw each other for a couple of hours- but not in a “beneficial” way… just talking and joking. I don’t get it.
    Thanks. I’m sorry for the outcome too, but there are other fish in the sea.
    Thanks again & y’all take care of yourselves too! I’ll definitely be in touch :)

  3. Being Still // May 20, 2013 at 4:07 pm //

    Hey guys, I’m having a little trouble knowing what to do. My friend hasn’t tried to come back, we talk briefly still at work but that’s still all there is. My emotions catch up with me some days but for the most part I don’t cry after a day at work with him anymore. I’ve always been a good friend, forgiving, understanding and I give love without condition.. I have a problem walking away from him because we have always been the best of friends, well, at least I have been to him. I feel a sense of guilt when I don’t start a conversation, if I don’t ask how he is doing or show an interest in his day to day life. It’s difficult to be here… ten feet from his desk… and pretend I don’t care. It’s like having a wound and ripping the band-aid off every day. I told him we’d always be friends but I shouldn’t have to be the only friend. I wish I could turn off my emotions just as he has and not care anymore.

  4. @BeingStill……..We’re sorry. Typically this gets easier with time but not when you’re seeing him every day. Is there anything you can do about that? Move your desk? Transfer? And what are you the most upset about? That he’s not trying at all to be friends/friendly?

  5. Being Still // May 20, 2013 at 9:04 pm //

    Unfortunately, it’s a very small company… 12 office employees and We are both in the same department (consisting of 3 people total, us and our boss). I have always been very respectful of our privacy so no one at the office is aware. We used to go to lunch every day, some days I can go with them (him in the group) and I either sit quietly or talk small talk with everyone. Most days I make up an excuse and work through lunch to leave early. I miss my friend. I’ve come to realize that I wrapped my life around him and I don’t remember who I am outside of what “we” were. I miss having someone I trust to talk to and laugh with and go to movies with. I grew up hard and alone, parents he said that divorce and bad relationships make men stay single… that’s the difference between he and I – I’ve always been single. He doesn’t drink, smoke, he’s not abusive… he’s just not in love with me – there’s nothing I can fix or do to change that. I just… miss my friend, the man that used to care if I wasn’t at work and ask if I was feeling okay. After 5 years… how do you just not care about someone? How can I become important… to anyone?

  6. Being Still // May 20, 2013 at 9:19 pm //

    I’m very sorry guys, I didn’t mean to ramble on about a situation that I should’ve been over long ago. I have been job hunting, that is the best solution I have. FWB is risky, I thought my best friend would always be there and that our friendship was first and foremost most important. Everything will be okay. Thank you for allowing me a place to talk.

  7. @Being Still…….That might be the best solution, but we didn’t want to suggest such an upheaval. We’re sorry that you’re missing your friend. We know it’s not easy. Hang in there and feel from to come “talk” here any time. Take care.

  8. Heyy, I was wondering if I could get some insight on what’s going on between my best friend and I. We have been best friends for nearly two years now and we’ve become really close. We talk every day and, between the two of us, send about 100 texts or so each day. We talk about anything and everything. No topic is taboo no matter what it is. We go out about once a week with our friends.

    Anyways, about 8 months ago he started to come over once or twice a week to just cuddle and hang out. He didn’t every bring up having sex with me. We just laid in bed holding each other and talking. About 3 months ago we were hanging out and we got extremely drunk and since we had to share a bed that night one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The next day we both decided that it was a bad idea and it shouldn’t happen again. Needless to say we have hooked up quite a few times since that happened.

    Our friendship hasn’t changed, if anything we have become closer friends. Ever since we started to have sex he is more willing to talk about personal things than he was before. He has mentioned to me many times that he wants to get a girlfriend but and usually he brings it up after we have had sex. I don’t know if he is just using me for sex or if he is hinting that he is interested in something more. Any help you could give on this situation would be extremely helpful.

    Thanks, Stacey

  9. @Stacey…….If he hasn’t brought up a relationship with you specifically then he’s probably not interested in more than FWB with you. If you want something more you need to bring it up to him, or move on. But honestly, we don’t see this going anywhere. It just seems like it would have progressed much further by now if it was going to. Good luck.

  10. Hey guys! I have a question. I’m in college and I met this guy at a bar. We went on a few dates and he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. I told him I was ok with it, and that we could be friends and do more if we wanted to. We ended being intimate a few times and then school started and we lost touch. A few months later, we start texting and talking again but I don’t know where we stand! We’ve hung out twice and I met his friends when we went to a bar and then I went over his place to watch a movie and we haven’t been intimate since before we lost touch. What’s going on?

  11. @Analee……What do you mean? There’s nothing going on. The two of you hooked up. He’d probably like to hook up again at his convenience, but nothing more is going to transpire, otherwise it would have already. Our advice: Move on. This is just going to get more confusing and frustrating. Take care.

  12. I m goin to start a FwB relation with one of my close guy friends. We’ve been knowing each other for a year and half and getting really close this year, especially after i broke up with my ex boyfriend on march. We text each other everyday and hangout every week. We started flirting with each other about a month ago, then turned into sexting, then things really heated up and we suddenly somehow end up with an arrangement of FWB. We both set ground rules for this relation and both agreed to everything about the arrangement. We both know the basic tips of how to maintain a good FWB relation is to seeing each other as minimum as possible, but it seems impossible for us as we will go to the same law school, share heaps of mutual friends, share tons of mutual interests and we also have a lot of studf to talk about. I just don’t wanna ruin our friendship cuz he is really amazing and important to me as a friend, someone might say”then just don’t sleep with him, just be normal friends”. He is incredibly hot and charming, that makes me feel it will be the bigger shame of my life if i can’t do it with him, i can also tell we r sexually attractive to each other and the sex is goin to be amazing. Meanwhile I’m dating two other guys(no sex yet) and my FwB doesn’t know it. I seriously don’t know where this FWB relation gonna heading to, but I will give it a try. Can someone here just tell me what do they think about this?

  13. @Missy…..We think it’s a bad idea. You’re obviously into him. Why settle? If he doesn’t want all of you, we’d suggest not giving him any. But that’s just our two cents. Clearly, people still embark on FWB all of the time. Rarely does it work out.

  14. Conflicted // June 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm //

    Hey Guys,

    I have a recently complicated situation. Everyone involved is in their mid to late 20s. I have a best friend who I have been having a declining FWB (no kissing, no intercourse, just messing around) relationship with (which he initiated) for the better part of this past year. He’s an attractive, successful, charming guy. Girls tend to flock to him, and I have loved him for a very long time. Needless to say, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Whenever we talk generally about what constitutes a successful relationship and marriage, we are on the same page. I possess the qualities and mindset that he would be looking for in a woman if he was looking, and the qualities I want in a man are what he possesses. We have excellent physical chemistry, strong mutual attraction, and share a deep, long, emotional connection. He is in a great place career wise and financially. However, that hasn’t been enough for him to want to commit. He’s admittedly being very selfish. Some things happened in my life where I needed him to be there but he didn’t make himself available, so I broke off all contact from him for about three weeks. He continued to try to make conversation with me during that time, but I never responded.

    Unfortunately, we run in the same circles, and I know that I will be seeing a lot of him in the months to come, so I decided to take a different approach, one that is simply friendly, without flirting, at least on my end. He had seen me at a party the week before (while I wasn’t speaking to him) and commented on how turned on he was by my appearance (even though I was dressed rather modestly) a week later when I finally did text him back. He attempted to get me to see him, said he knew I’d rather be with him than anywhere else, etc. I refused to change my plans for him and responded rather confidently, which he took notice of. A few days later, I saw him comment on another girl’s photo, discussing his huge crush on her. I found out that he admitted his crush to her back when he first started seeing me. I was furious, and pulled back. I removed him from my social media so that I could stop feeling and acting like such a stalker.

    I was feeling pretty down, so I decided I needed a pick-me-up/ego boost from a guy, and had two close by options, one of which is my best friend’s friend (aka guy #2, who has admitted to liking me a lot) and a third guy, who has always been kind and respectful towards me, but gives off this vibe that he likes me at the same time. Guy #2 already warned me that he would attack me next time he sees me, so I decided to play it safe and picked guy #3 to spend some time with. He too is a very attractive, tall, well built, kind guy (moreso than #1, at least physically) who has tons of females after him, but he is a trustworthy person. We were hanging out at his place and I needed to leave, and at the last moment, he asked if I would be okay with him kissing me since I wouldn’t be seeing him for a long time and he didn’t want me to get attached/hurt. We talked about it, he said he wants to focus on going back to school at the moment and doesn’t want to get distracted with a relationship. I essentially put the decision to kiss me in his hands, and he took it, kissing me long and hard. It became much more than kissing fairly quickly, I had to keep reminding him to slow down. The experience was enjoyable, and we saw each other the next day, but he ended up going too far. I told him as much, and he apologized, saying he needed some time to cool down before he could see me again so that he wouldn’t get as physical as he did the second day. I told him not to take long to get back to me since our schedules are about to fill up within the next month. How long should I be waiting for him to contact me? It’s been four days; I’m getting a little antsy though I know I probably shouldn’t make so much of it.

    Also, in the meantime, Mr FWB has been getting more and more curious as to my whereabouts and is acting more nosey. If I try to act cool or mimic him and point out his curiosity, he jokingly turns it around on me, making it as if I am doing something to flatter him.

    I’m a little confused as to how I feel about everything. I feel like guy #3 could come around a lot faster than #1 in terms of changing his mind about being in a relationship. Also, the fact that he actually kissed me, whereas #1 has never kissed me, is making me develop some feelings for him. I’m just afraid that #1 is taking me on another ride merely because I’m pulling away and not because he means to change his attitude towards relationships. What’s your opinion on what I should do? Who should I go for?

  15. @Conflicted……..It’s interesting because from what you say, we thought guy #2 was your best bet. Guy #1 is using you. He’s a player, or at least he’s playing with you. What exactly are you doing if you’re not kissing w/no intercourse? Just oral? Look at this from our perspective. That’s going nowhere. And yes, your gut is right. Guys are territorial. He doesn’t want you to move on even though he doesn’t want you. Our advice on that? Don’t waste any more time with #1. Even if he turns into prince charming. That’s a dead-end. In fact, we’d say, the less you even see him the better. If guy #3 hasn’t called you by now we’d say forget him too. It could be because he feels guilty for going too far and isn’t sure how you really feel. But it could also be because he’s a player too and is looking for sex. And since you didn’t give it to him he’s not interested in anything else with you. We don’t get the greatest feeling from him. So where does that leave you. Guy #2. Although, it sounds kind of close, a bit incestuous, since he’s a friend of guy #1. Honestly, we think you should put these three behind you, and start meeting people well beyond your circle. Good luck.

  16. im awkward >. // June 10, 2013 at 2:27 pm //

    Hey! haha okay well im only 15 but i have a couple questions just generally about how guys are. i am usually the girl who gets a bunch of guys all over her (im not popular though) its like the awkward inbetween girl. most people tell me im super nice and adorable and hot , some say beautiful but i dont really know about that haha (this relates to my question) people tell me i could do so much better than the boys that i like / go out with and lately (past year basicly) i havent been able to keep a steady relationship because something is always missing or i start to get feelings for somebody else really fast. ive been in spanish class with this really popular guy all year and we talked once on facebook and he ocassionally says something to me , i believe it is just to be polite but im not sure. he is actually kindof shy for a popular boy when it comes to talking to girls in general haha as far as i know but here is the weird thing… he randomly chatted me on facebook two days ago and sent “Hey! ;)” i thought he got the wrong person and it wasnt ment for me but i said hey back anyways . then he said he wouldnt be on facebook and gave me his number? so i texted him and we talked for a bit (like an hour) then we had a dance and i was him there , he sid hey to me and we talked a bit about nothing just friendly talking , no flirting. then that night i was with a couple friends (we had a sleepover) and he texted me . we were talking until 4:30 am ( all my friends were awake , we were watching movies and they were all excited cause i was talking to this super popular kid and trying to help me with what to say back to him) well our conversation got intense really fast actually… he asked me if i was currently into anyone and i sorta am , i have a thing with this boy and we have liked each other on and off all year but sometimes i feel like he only likes me for my boobs and butt cause guys can be like that but its not like he is getting them soo i dont know and then he said he didnt like anyone so could it be that he likes me? but then he started to say that most girls dont like him so i told him that i would be flattered if a guy like him was into me and after a couple confedent boosters like that he brought up friends with benefits and how he isnt into relationships . he says its too much work, and its easier to talk occasionally and hook up when you see eachother and have some intimate moments then said relationships are too hard to keep when you dont live close. i think i kinda agree with that because we are 15 so why bother? its not like you are going to marry eachother. he kept asking me about the other boy and how long we would last after that. even if all he wants is friends with benefits , could he still actually like me and just not want drama? or does he not actually want anything with me but used it as a conversation topic? and why would he stay up so late yo talk to ME? haha oh and what do you believe he thinks friends with benefits means like a relationship with no effort ? would he go for other girls while in a FWB relationship with me? because i dont know if i would be able to handle that but then again i would probably go for other guys while we are and would he still call me things like pretty occasionally? or would he not even flirt with me and just hook up with me? and last night we talked about music and i found out he is into the same music as me and not that popular stuff . could he just be afraid to commit too? his last girlfriend was in sixth grade i think and im pretty sure she broke his heart for another boy . we still dont know each other that well though i just wanted your opinion on what i could be getting myself into and his perspective , thanks! sorry its long

  17. Me ex and I were together for 2 years. Our relationship was complicated. It was a constant back and forth break up on my part due to a lot of fighting and he lives at home which made things harder. He is 28 I’m 25. He would also break things like my phone, windshield etc. when he lost his temper (he hit me a few times) He eventually went to anger management but after a while I felt the damage was done. I broke up with him 3 months ago and cut contact for a few weeks. I was miserable without him and contacted him. He told me he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore because I went back and forth so much during the relationship for 2 years it hurt him and he was tired of the fighting. We still hung out together all the time (spent most nights together)for about a month and he told me he wasn’t talking to anyone else. I found out he had been getting numbers from women clubs, bars etc. I confronted him, even though we weren’t together he felt like he needed to lie to me. Eventually he said he couldn’t handle the fighting and we needed to “be friends” so I cut off contact with him for a few weeks. Now we are doing the FWB thing. I thought I was over him but I am having mixed emotions now. I want to be with him but if he wanted to be with me he would be right? The other night he came over and I asked him a question.. something stupid and jokingly like “thanks for ignoring my text” I had asked how his parents were and he flipped out; Got angry and stormed off. Why would he get so mad at me over nothing if we are just friends? I am so confused because I want him in my life one way or the other. All he does now is drink and go to the gym. I thought we were both past the fighting stage, I want him as a friend but I think he wants me as a booty call.

  18. @OneOfTheGuys
    Afternoon Gents! Wanted to say “Hi” and give an update as things have changed since we last “spoke”. As you know I’d given up on C because he and I could not seem to find a way to make our schedules work, but I am pleased to report that last night he came over and we finally kicked things off with hours of mind blowing, toe curling fun. He left this morning and we will be getting together again next week should everything go according to our schedules. I am a bit worried about his perception of our sitch as he did a few things I found out of character for a FWB such as wanting to hold, kiss and cuddle me throughout our “down time” and grabbing me for a long kiss before he left this morning. In past FWB experiences I’ve never had this happen… it’s been sex, a bit of conversation as clothing was reapplied, and goodbyes with MAYBE a small peck. When he pulled me close afterwards, I wasn’t receptive to it at first and he was hurt by it. So I gave in and allowed him to hold me and he was happy. I’m trying not to read into this but again- I don’t believe this to be typical FWB etiquette… am wrong? Also, he’s started showing jealousy to somethings… which I don’t think is normal either. Opinions? Please…

  19. @Im Awkward….Sorry for the delay. Okay, here goes. Getting into a FWB arrangement with this guy is a BAD idea. We tell everyone this, of any age. But seeing that you’re 15, we definitely advise against it. (Trust us, you’ll be annoyed you did when you look back on it.) You’re right. It’s unlikely you’ll marry whoever you’re with now, but that doesn’t mean they’re not an important part of your life. What you choose to do now will shape who you are later. So think hard about your decisions. And frankly, you deserve better than this. Have some respect and say no to this guy. He basically wants sex from you but can’t be bothered with anything else. We say, LAME. VERY LAME…….A few points about young guys that you should know and tell your friends. Guys are blinded by girl’s bodies. It’s all about that at your age. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You want a guy who thinks you’re hot. But you also want balance. You want a guy who thinks you’re interesting and who wants to really get to know you and spend time with you beyond the bedroom, or car, or wherever you’re doing what you’re doing. Teenage guys don’t have a lot of balance which is why it’s hard to know where they’re really coming from when they flatter you and make you feel special. At least this guy is being honest with you and not pretending he’s in love with you. We give him credit for that, but we still advise against it. Thoughts? Does this help? Please share our site with your friends. And read some other posts about dating in high school, etc. Good luck and take care.

  20. well crap the first time I posted this I put in the wrong section to let me try this again lol so I started seeing this guy for about 4 months everything seems to be great we have the most incredible sex then all the sudden he got really quiet so finally I get a text from him saying he’s been doing soul searching trying to figure out what to do I asked what you mean he said that he ran into his ex girlfriend of 2 years and they were going to try and make it work I can’t have anything but respect for that even though it crushed me so long story short with this we decided to be friends 2 mobths went by and we still texted everyday but we never saw each other I think we both knew better we had a very strong attachment when then one night we decided to get together and hang out and I promised him regardless I was not going to let anything happen because I respected what he was trying to do. Well all night I had to fight him off but I held to what I said but he still slept with his arm around me and close to me like we always do or did. The next morning however when I went to leave we were talking and I told him i can’t make a promise anymore it was to tough. With that being said when I went to hug him goodbye he grabbed me and kissed me so passionately it was like nothing ever happened no time has passed. Well its been 6 months later and I am there twice a week stay the night with him wraps his arms around me when we sleep and have the most incredible sex and it just keeps getting better we have a very incredible bond that I’ve never had with anybody in my life and a message I’m a grown woman. He tells things with me that he should be saying with her.such as he missed me when he doesn’t see me or when his divorce was final he sent me a picture of his decree so we could celebrate or he talks to me about everything with work. Ifeel like I get treated like the girlfriend but without the girlfriend benefits . I guess I just don’t understand why he still with her if she doesnt support him and they argue all the time heck he even texts me when they r together. I’m with him at night she’s never there I know that I am the Friends with benefits but he has me in his bed not her. She never stays there. I’m very confused and also afraid to say anything to him don’t want to risk losing what I have as bad as that sounds. Now I know I’m in love with him never told him but I think he knows and it’s my own stupidity that i stay and take the things that i do. I’m just really confused I dont why he keeps me around he even says he is addicted to I guess my question what is he doing and why? Please help…

  21. @Maria….He’s playing you, that’s what. He’s getting everything he wants and you’re getting nothing. Great sex is fine for a while, but you want more and you’re not going to get that from him. Remember, he’s with another woman and cheating on her with you. Is that the kind of guy you want to build a life with? It’s time to move on. He’s a player.

  22. Pathetic // July 9, 2013 at 11:55 am //

    I have an interesting situation. I’m in a FWB situation for over a year BUT we were never friends in the first place. I met him online and we hit it off and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. We bang just about every day and I spend the night about once a week. My problem is that I’m (at least) 1 of 3 of his FWB. I didn’t he only had one other girl, because she is out of state and his weekend girl. But he recently found another girl in my territory that I”m not sure if she’s a FWB or a possible GF. I’m conflicted about whether I’m afraid I may be falling out of “First Place” among his harem. Worst thing is I do have feelings for him. We grew closer when I was assaulted while he was away for work. He was there for me. Now that he’s back, it’s gone back to business as usual. His behavior is very conflicting. When I hint that I need more affection, he gives it, he holds me when we sleep, and tells me that he cares and screws me silly. He also goes radio silent for days, we never go anywhere or do anything outside the bed/couch/counter, and when he needs a “break” he uses text to convey it. I know I should run for the hills. I unfortunately love the a$$hat. It’s hard to break away from. I’ve tried and funny enough, he’s tried to break away from me as well. We both end up back in bed. Most times I’m able to convince myself that I’m using him as much as he’s using me. But when I get all emotional once a month, I feel like an unpaid whore and speculate as to if he is the same way with his other skank. You’re right….getting into a FwB is an absolute disaster. Now I hope you’ll excuse me as I try to pick up the broken pieces of my self esteem…oh, he just texted…time to shower instead. :-p

  23. @Pathetic…..So do you have a question? To clarify: You’re not in a FWB. You’re his booty call. Maybe the sex is great but that’s as far as this will ever go. Your call.

  24. Complicated FWB // July 19, 2013 at 9:19 am //

    So.. let me start this off by saying… never am i going to put myself in a position of FWB again. it’s a messy and most complicated relationship i have had yet. maybe it was in the situation I had in. but i am going to tell my story cause in the 2 years i have known him. it’s been quite a ride….I met this guy in my first year of uni. Saw him as a great guy.. but not my type. Someone stable to fool around with cause i didnt want get into anything serious but still wanted the perks of calling a guy over. as silly as this sounds.. I was a virgin… and aside from oral sex didnt go further than that for easily 6 months.. We got together when ever we ended up in the same club. about 3 months into this.. our mutual friends started hanging out more and we saw each other more in a group of good friends… this is the time i find out he had a gf of like 3 year in an open relationship.. I asked him.. and he told me everything… My rule was simple.. from than on he be honest with me.. and we can just continnue this as long as it really is an open relationship..and he agreed cause he thought i would give it up to him at some point and also cause he actually got sex from elsewhere from time to time (gf, hook-ups)..bare in mind.. his gf was in the same uni. that relationship went to great shit for known reasons.. it was long before predicted.. whatever it was.. it made me and him closer as friends overtime and i had the power to not sleep with him at all..He’d come.. we’d fool around and he would leave in the morning..cause i told him.. if he doesnt have anywhere to be. i liked to cuddle. i didnt give in to sex mainly cause i actually wanted to be crazy about a guy before i did lose my virginity.. and i wasnt for him in those 6 months.. like i was fooling around.. So there came the point when i decided to stop cause our friends were becoming close knitted as a group and i didnt want his gf to ever find out i was one of the girls he was fooling around with when they did get back together.. that would mean we couldnt be friend.. Girls hate it if their bf hang out with girls they are attracted to..and he agreed cause he was starting to like another girl that wasnt his gf.. but a hook up.. We became closer than ever after we stopped fooling about.. cause it was easy become friends again without sex ever being involved. he broke up with his gf.. We became best friends and he started dating this other girl.. i started dating another guy and lost my viginity to him… Simple clean cut. Great friendship out of not having sex. The probblem started.. when we both broke up with the people we were seeing.. I would go to him for cuddles and to cry about it.. He came to him at one point 5 months after we stopped fooling around.. that he liked me.. and wanted to be together.. I have known him for a year now.. i knew he was hurting cause of these girls and was alone.. and i decided to give it a try… no knowing whether i really did like him or i just wanted to rebound(rebound it was).. we started dating.. and it felt not right..he agreed..but i just want to see how sex would be like with him once.. and the night we decided not to date, was the night i had sex with him.. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING, STUPIDEST THING EVER. cause i realized in those 11 months of not having sex with him.. i was missing out.. and he finally got what he wanted.. sex..with me! that began.. the actual meaning of FWB.. the thing with this.. was that.. cause he was trying to get over his gf of 3 years and me just not wanting to hook up with randoms just cause i was horny… we were good.. this went on for 4 months.. all well and good.. we set rules.. it was just sex.. the instant either of us found someone we liked and wanted to date.we would stop.. he’d have one night stands that never led to anymore and i would have dates that i saw no potential of pursing. me and him ended up in bed together most of the nights.. the really shit happened when one of our friends moved out of the house we always chilled at..(the house he lived in as well) and i decided to move in as i was always there and i was more close to these people than my other housemates.. That was a mistake.. FWB starting to live together. not just that..our rooms were next to each other. thats what i called me fucking up things for myself. so the time came.. when he did bring a girl home.. and i did hear them having sex in the room next door.. this pissed me off. not cause this girl is anyone he is interested in but another FWB.. (I still classify this guy has one of my best friend cause he is… IS a greedy guy.. i know this about him well and good..) anyways.. i told him off.. he can do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted.. but if he doesnt want to make me his one and only FWB.. i will stop right here. It was more disrespectful than anything.. and the other girl..actually did like him even when he apparently has said it to her that it was just sex with him.. she wanted to go on.. messsy.. they stopped.. and we continued.. i knew we wasnt lying cause we stayed in the same house and i trusted he wouldn’t. he didnt like me being pissed off.
    Time came..when i brought a guy back home after a night out, just to hook up for the sake of not being able to do so…. and OMG.. hell broke lose. he was pissed! so much so.. that i send the guy back home and he and i sat for a long night.. of no sleep and no talking. Was i wrong to want to hook up? or being pissed at him about his other FWB? He says its the same thing…? I was drunk.. and wasnt thinking straight!!! He invited his FWB over during the day…sober! That is not fair right? whatever it is.. we decided this isnt as clean and simple anymore. we both might have feelings. so we gave it a try to be together.. AGAIN it didnt work.. this time I really liked him and gave it my all to make it work but he was scared. We lived together..alot to do with the fact that we were starting a relationship whilst living together.. too much to handle. So we stopped being together.. i still liked him and it hurt me alot that he didnt want to and after two weeks of being broken up.. again i jumped into bed with him.. So whatever we were continued, we decided until we move out. When we finally moved stopped..we went back to being friends again. ( when i mean friends.. its not just by name.. we were actually talking to each other. and meeting up) He came up to me 2 days ago.. telling me he misses me, cant handle thinking about me being with another guy and isnt scared anymore… so could we be together? ….the reason for knowing someone’s opinion.. is cause i am thinking about whether i actually do want to be with my Best friend.. i love him to bits and piece.. but he is kind of a dick when it has came to treating girls as u can tell from my story.. the 3 year relationship with his gf was his first gf.. the open relationship was her idea. and she was the bitch of therelationship.. he really loved for her. but i think that relationship has made him not treat girls well.. and i have taken alot of shit as a best friend and i care for me alot but is it worth giving him a try after he has hurt me on and off? I know this sounds all really fucked up.. believve me there is moreee.. but this is a summary of most of what happened. I still like him.. and i want to be with him.. but i dont want to get hurt either.. it was hard to get out of the whole not having the label of being a girlfriend..but i told myself it was not meant to be.. and that i actually ended up liking him cause sex complicates things… but now.. given the opinion again.. not living with him, and having the space to actually miss him.. i need to rethink this.
    i would ask my friends.. but they know him and i dont want to include them into an awkward position of taking sides. so advice me on what to do pleasseee.. xxx

  25. @ComplicatedFWB……Can you please condense your question? Thanks.

  26. Messy is right!! Its the opposite for me–Im the female who was good to go and had no feelings during it until he “caught feelings”, then I made the mistake of letting my heart go a bit. He took advantage of that and played on it.

    The ending is awful and the worst part is we work together and hes acting like a crazy kid b/c he didnt get his way in the end. Not. even. worth. it. TOOOOO MESSY!!

  27. Hey Guys! Here a question for you involving fwb.

    I was in a fwb relationship with a guy that lasted for about 8 months. He had two other girls on the side and I had another girl and guy. We privacy had sex once a week, watch movies etc. It was uncomplicated and the sex was great.

    We broke things off because he moved for a new job in another state. We kept in touch for a few months after he moved. He’d ask for me to visit, but I never did as it was unrealistic and I was worried he’d develop feelings for me. I’m now moving a few states closer and will be driving through his city, on my way to my new home. I messaged him to see if he’d like to catch up, among other things. He asked me to stay the night, which was what I wanted.

    After about three to four months of our fwb relationship, we stopped using condoms. I’m on birth control and we each were tested to show each other that we had a clean bill of health; on top of it just feeling better. I know, in the eight plus months we’ve haven’t had sex, that he’s had sex with other women. I have a feeling that he’ll want to pick up where we left off and have unprotected sex.

    While I’m still on birth control, I’m nervous to have condomless sex. I want to protect myself, yet want to have amazing sex like we used too. I’m just not sure if I should ask him to rubber up. Thoughts, advice?

  28. Typo. We PROBABLY had sex once a week, watch movies etc.

  29. So long story short, I met this guy in my country while he was on vacation.I’m 30 and he is 42. We went out around 4 times while he was here, that involved 2 weekends together. So we went to the beach, second time I went, he cooked for me and well at some point we had sex. Since the first night we met, he has been calling me everyday (for the last 6 months). He then asked me to go visit him, so I did a couple weeks ago and we had an amazing time together, he really spoiled me, again cooked several times for me, and took me to do all the fun stuff he does on his free time. I also met his mom and sister who knew a lot about me from what I could tell. Met a few friends too and took me to the bar he hangs out at every weekend.
    The day I left was sad, he told me having me in his house changed the environment in there because I’m always happy and smiling, that he is glad we got along good and cant wait to see me again (He is coming in November).Then we both cried because I was leaving.
    So it all sounds good so you might be wondering what is wrong, well I’m just curious about how long would it take him to consider me his girlfriend? He makes comments sometimes for example I would say I was worried about migration because they ask too many questions sometimes and he said tell them u coming to see ur boyfriend. So we are exclusive but he knows I don’t consider myself his gf because he hasn’t asked me, so I just wonder how long would it take him to ask?

  30. @Paola……Sounds like he might assume it. You definitely need to clarify whether or not the two of you are exclusive. And then see what he says. Exclusivity assumes that the two of you are a couple. But maybe you just need to tell him that you need to hear it from his lips. Try to be mellow when you start the conversation and then see what he says. Good luck. Remember: If he freaks out, then you have all the information you need. It’s never a bad thing to know what the deal is.

  31. Actually it was funny because yesterday as we were talking about him coming, I said he should stay at home with me and he was like well yeah I guess if I’m your boyfriend it’s ok. Then I asked him in a funny way like Really? Since when are you my boyfriend? He replied I’m not because you haven’t asked me! So I said ok I’m glad we are on the same page then, that a question has to be made. Then he said sweetie, of course you are my girlfriend!
    Now having said that it is kind of confusing because my first language is spanish so I’m like does he mean girl-friend or girlfriend but anyway he is like well you are my little sweetie followed by a bunch of compliments about how I am.
    And about the exclusive subject, we did talk about that since the very beginning, because I told him, I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, I don’t date, so it was one of the first topics we talked about :)

  32. Conflicted // September 1, 2013 at 3:11 am //

    Hey Guys,

    I posted back in June with this same name, and would like to update the situation and ask for some more advice. So it didn’t work out with Guy #2 or Guy #3, and Guy #1 started being horrible to me all of a sudden. He’d be mean/snappy with me and then apologize, saying he didn’t know why he was acting like that with me but that he was sorry. I’m not sure what happened later but I know he was mad and he ignored me for about 3 or 4 weeks and I gave up talking to him by that time. He came back out of the blue and wouldn’t tell me why he was mad at me, instead saying I could forget about finding out why he was mad at me and pick up where we left off or we could stop talking, my choice. I asked him where we left off, he wouldn’t tell me that either. I caved and started talking to him again here and there, nothing too intense or frequent. He got busy with work, I gave him his space, didn’t bother him about much.

    Last week he asked if I was free and we met up a couple days later. It was under the pretense of hanging out, but on my way there he told me he wanted to mess around. I said no to messing around, but still went over to his place. He got us dinner, and was very sweet to me the whole time, kept close physical contact while we ate, hugged me (his heart was racing), pulled me into a cuddle, lightly rubbed my arms and hair while we talked, etc. He initiated all of it. It felt very affectionate, but who knows, that could be wishful thinking. He did get a little frisky, but didn’t try to pressure me into anything, or make me feel bad about not getting physical with him. He was playful and kind. It made me really happy. We haven’t talked since then (it’s been a couple of days) though I did text him thanks and sent him a funny video. I did see that he is still commenting on that same girl’s photos and being flirty. It’s not inappropriate, but I still hate it and it is bothering me. She’s not local and they don’t talk regularly at all from what I can tell, if that matters.

    I forgot to mention in my first post that he and I are very close friends for over 10 years. He has had really bad relationship experiences in the past, the latest of which was a broken engagement that ended a year and a half ago. He is still very jaded from what she did to him and he has admitted it has warped his thoughts on relationships, some of it beneficial, overwhelming majority of it severely detrimental. I’ve told him that I think that she is the reason he has been hesitant to pursue anything with me, and he acknowledges that is probably true.

    I have always loved this guy and really want this to work out. I know he cares about me deeply, but in the past refused to tell me how he FEELS about me, just that he does not want a relationship, irrespective of who the girl is. I’m afraid of asking him what is going on in his head because I don’t want him to feel pressured by me like before. I feel like I need to give this one last shot in a way where I’m not acting like a typical crazy girl. Do you guys think that he was simply enjoying my company, or that he is starting to come around? Do I try talking to him? Keep giving him space? Become unavailable to him? None of the above?

  33. The WORST DECISION I EVER MADE WAS BECOMING INVOLVED IN FWB!!! Now that says alot, b/c I am NOT young…
    I beg you–dont do it! If you want to destroy precious self-esteem and become and emotional basket-case, then go ahead!
    If you want to risk unwanted pregnancy, then go ahead. If you want to constantly be more miserable than ever, than go ahead. If you want sex that isnt worth it in the end, then go ahead.
    But dont you dare say didnt warn you


  34. @Conflicted…….WE think he wants sex from you, or whoever else he can get it from. We think that he’s being clever about it. What you described was all foreplay. (The night he came over) You said no fooling around so he didn’t push it. But he will the next time, or the time after that. Basically, if he’s not initiating a relationship with you then he’s not looking for a relationship with you.

  35. Conflicted // September 5, 2013 at 4:47 am //

    So are you guys saying that the “I’m damaged because of my previous relationship” excuse is not plausible?

    Also it’s been a week and he hasn’t contacted me at all.. We were talking practically every day before we hung out. I haven’t initiated any contact with him other than to say thank you for dinner that night I saw him.

  36. Conflicted // September 5, 2013 at 7:03 pm //

    Also, he’s had plenty of opportunities to be with other girls but I know he hasn’t taken any of them.

  37. Guys question for you! So I had an FWB for couple of months I was the one initiated the whole and ended it the same time because, as heartless as it sounds, I got tired of him. Only reason it started was because he was flirting with me. after about a week, he started talking to me asking if we can still be friends and be workout buddy and such. Totally fine. However he started making sexual and relationship innuendos jokingly saying in the gym that I’m his gf when we are at the gym and saying that he is “saving me” from the other guys. Don’t want to be overly sensitive about it but what gives? Is he starting to like me I mean should I confront him?

  38. Aurelia 84 // October 1, 2013 at 8:15 am //

    Hey guys,
    I’m a pretty switched on kinda person when it comes to relationships- casual or otherwise but this situation has me a little confused…
    Basically online site- met the guy hit it off straight away. Started out purely physical- amazing sex, so I figured casual relationship situation right? Anyway progressively over the last 4 months things have gotten kinda… Confusing, we have been seeing each other pretty much every weekend since this started- catch up drink/ sex etc. always stay over ( no drink driving offenses here)
    3 months into this and my needy female brain kicked in. Last few times we had caught up- no sex just hanging out- friends stuff. I was confused, what kinda fb relationship doesn’t involve sex? Knowing we are both seeing other people, and he has mentioned being friends so I did the safe thing- backed off. Basically told him I was calling it off. His response ” why call off a good thing- if no sex, that’s fine that can happen when it happens” ball was left in my court and after mentally wrestling with the situation decided to let it go- deleted him on fb- didn’t contact him. Expected nothing back at all. Case closed- moving on :)
    Right so a few weeks later he contacted me outta the blue- ended up catching up again this time me feeling a bit more comfortable and less emotional- back to the awesome sex and easy convo
    Anyway in my mind this is a classic fwb- we still haven’t breached the where is this going upfront but he has been asking if I’m seeing anyone, where he sits in my friends circle and the fact that even though we have only been seeing each other for 4 months, it feels like a lot longer. I’m not the clingy needy type quite the opposite throughout this he has been the one initiating the contact rather than me- he is a great looking guy- I’m not exactly horrible looking myself but what do I guys think? Is he having gun playing the game or thinking this is going to go somewhere? Kinda wouldn’t mind the latter but not willing to throw myself out for rejection yet again !

    Confused is an understatement 😉

  39. Hi Guys,

    I was in a FWB situation for about 6 months. It was exciting/great when it started and I had every intention of keeping it casual – but then I started getting attached and what I wanted started to change. Our FWB relationship was aways really fun and upbeat, and the idea of changing the tone of conversation was a little daunting, but I knew that I’d be unhappy if our relationship stayed that same (at an emotional arm’s length from each other). I called him and told him that I liked him and asked where he stood. He confirmed that he really liked me, but said :”[He] didn’t really see his life slowing down right now.” I was bummed that he and I weren’t on the same page, but I was sort of relieved to have my answer. I said that it had been really fun, but that I thought it was time for me to bow out. He said he thought it was great that we could have conversations like this, asked if this meant we’d never see each other again (I said, not in the absolute, but I wasn’t sure why/how we’d run into each other) — we ended the phone conversation on a friendly note. The next day he texted me a private joke (a reference to a movie we’d watched together), I responded with something friendly and then we both went radio-silent for four or so months. I haven’t initiated any contact, he continued to ‘like’ things I posted via instagram/fb, but made no verbal/text contact.

    I recently got a text from him referencing a time we spent together and a private joke, I responded in friendly way (finishing out the private joke). He then sent me a text saying that he misses me. I responded with something nice but noncommittal ( along the lines of “It’s been so long!”). I turned off my phone and went to sleep – woke up the next morning and saw that he’d responded that he’d kind of would like to see me, “and by kind of, [he means] would really.” I elected to let it be (didn’t respond).

    My instinct says that this probably isn’t indicative of anything (except maybe a confirmation that he’d still enjoy a chance to hang out casually/sleep with me)? Is he testing the water to see if I’m still attached? To be honest, it caught me off guard and tugged at my poor, mostly healed heart strings a bit.

    Would really love one of the guys’ perspectives on this.

  40. stillconfused // October 19, 2013 at 5:21 pm //

    I’ve had a fwb thing going off and on with the same guy for a little over two years now. There have been times where we’ve both dated people but it’s always been brief and somehow we always end up back to each other again. We hang out, talk/text all the time and the sex has always been amazing, conversation is great. Recently (within the last three months) he’s started doing things that confuse me and I don’t know if it means something or if I’m over analyzing. I.e. previously whenever he wasn’t home I was never there… no matter what time he got up to leave he woke me up to leave when he did. He doesn’t do this anymore, if I don’t have to be up he briefly wakes me up to tell me he’s leaving and goes to work and leaves. He also neverbused to text while he was at work or out and about with his friends but recently he’s been texting me on lunch breaks sometimes and when he’s out just to seebwhat I’m doing. I told him about a week ago that I didn’t want to do the friends with benefits thing anymore because I thought I was starting to like him more than was appropriate for our arrangement and he invited me over to ‘just talk’, which we did and I spent the night but we didn’t have sex, just cuddled(which we never do and he initiated) and watched movies. What I’m confused about is he seems to be making an effort to show me I’m worth more than just hanging out and sex but when we talked about us dating he said ‘things are complicated’ and didn’t elaborate. I’m so confused and have no idea what to do.

  41. So… I met a man who said on the website he was “single”. We went out a few times and hit it off. I really liked him, he is easygoing. It came out that he was still going through a divorce. He mentioned that his stbx wife had some kind of boyfriend. I assumed that she had moved out of the house. He mentioned his grown children living there and never mentioned that his stbx wife still lives there until 5 months later. I had expressed numerous times that I want to come over and meet his grown kids, have pizza, etc. Numerous times he had the opportunity to say.. you might run into my stbx wife if you come over… and he NEVER DID. until 5 months in. So.. I was already in love with the guy when I found out that he thought I was a friends with benefits arrangement (we had a commitment to monogamy) and I thought I was his girlfriend heading toward love at a nice, slow pace.

    HOW can I do damage control on this? I would never FWB… it is doom for relationships..but he already thinks I did. Now he knows the truth, that I never thought of us that way. He claims he told me she lives there.. but he mumbles terribly when he is nervous and he was nervous the first couple of dates. So.. if he did say something I did not hear it. We have not spoken in 2 weeks. He knows I am willing to give him space while he figures out his divorce and that I hope he comes back and has a real relationship in 2 years or so when he is ready. I just got divorced. He is still in the middle of it. Damage control? Ideas. I miss him a great deal but I really do not want to send the message that casual is okay. I have little kids. I am looking for a man who wants to be my life partner.

  42. Basically I have met this guy (let’s name him X) an year and half ago, I was totally in love with him the first time I see him – tall, good looking, smart, talented……he’s been my “dream man” ever since I know him. We have been casually dating (quite intensely) at the beginning and things went good until I found out he had another girl in mind at the same time and end up after a few months they starting going out officially. I was dead frustrated back then and felt heart broken, but then I kinda get over it and within this year I’ve had another FWB who taught me a good lesson about how guys think and FWB is not gonna work out into a relationship (he’s been very wise that he didn’t take my virginity and we only had foreplays). I ended this relationship back in January and have been single till now. Recently (like a month ago) this guy X’s gf has left the country for good and they are in a long-distance relationship, he’s been desperate to look for other people so we went out for dinner and it was as good as before, a few nights ago he came over to my place, opened a bottle of wine and he started kissing me and tried so hard to have sex with me, it felt so awkward for me because we haven’t been flirting and suddenly he jumped from a friend zone to sex and he didn’t even bother to act like he likes me, I refused to do it by saying I am not ready yet, he then asked for a few more times because I said no clearly and he stopped, then he left the next morning immediately, he called me the night after and apologize for not realizing the situation and blah blah blah. I wasn’t mad as I understand he’s lonely and he needed sex, it just happened that I am the most convenient to him and easily approachable, I also understand that it won’t work becos we have different intentions – he’s after an one-off sex but I wanted a relationship, which by doing this we will not lead to that. So I told him not to worry about it and said I really enjoyed it but I just wasn’t ready. We had a gathering just now and I dressed up for it, it didn’t feel awkward between us but he didn’t suggest coming to mine again nor invite me over. I just want to ask your opinion, I kinda realise he’s not that ideal now, but I still have some feelings for him, do you think we can still have potentials to be in a proper relationship in the future? Or I should really see through from this incident and just give up? Please adviceeeee!! xxx

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