Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.
And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.
And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.
Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’
Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..
Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.
Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?
He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.
Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.
Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.
And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women
Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.
But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?
Three reasons. (Actually Four)
- The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
- The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
- He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
- He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)
As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.
So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow:
If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.
A few final words: A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.
Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.