Relationship and Dating Advice from The Guy’s Perspective: Friends with Benefits
Posted by One of the Guys on February 28th, 2012and was filed in friends with benefits, Humor, Relationship Humor, relationships, Videos with 14 responses, what do you think?
Read the script:
Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.
And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.
And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.
Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’
Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..
Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.
Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?
He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.
Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.
Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.
And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women
Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.
But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?
Three reasons. (Actually Four)
- The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
- The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
- He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
- He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)
As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.
So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow:
If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.
A few final words: A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.
Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.
Tagged with: booty call • committed relationships vs. friends with benefits • dating advice • expectations of friends with benefits • Friends with Benefits • fwb • getting played • guy's perspective on Friends with Benefits • guy's point of view on friends with benefits • relationship advice
My ex-boyfriend and I were both 18 and together for 5 months and the relationship was beautiful, he made me feel special and was very affectionate when he was with me, what i felt for him was nothing like i’ve experienced before – my mood was always lifted whenever i was around him. He told me he had never felt so happy with anyone else and I meant the world to him.
Now we have broken up, I confronted him about not making time to see me and leaving me feeling not important to him anymore. He said that I deserve better and he wouldnt be able to make enough time to see me, as he started working loads of hours. Also I might be moving away in 6 months for Uni and he stated he can’t do long-distance relationships.
So now we’re no longer together, i feel lost and want another chance, i still love him and he might do too.
I only confronted him because I wanted to understand his situation, but I think he took it the wrong way and got defensive about it. I know that if we had another go I wouldnt be annoyed about it anymore.
When he said that I deserve someone better, I don’t think he knows how much he means to me and how difficult my life would be before I go to Uni. I want to tell him how much he means to me and ask if he could give me another chance for a few more months.
I’m aware that when I go to Uni we are unlikely to work, but I’d rather enjoy the few months we have left than to break up like this. Can I convince him to give me another chance and be together for the remaining time we have left?
He also said that he needs time alone as he never has any, what does he mean by that?
I don’t know whether I should just get over it, or see whether i’ll tell him how I feel to see if he’ll give me a second chance and enjoy the remaining time we have together. Because we live close-by and in a village, theres not many other people to talk to for comfort and all my close friends are at Uni and I can’t drive either, so I’ll be alone and it’ll be difficult to get over it. I strongly believe that it’s possible for us to enjoy the time we have and get back together temporarily, yet I don’t know how to go about it. Advice?
Abbie
@Abbie……Honestly Abbie, you’re just going to prolong the inevitable. And how do you think you’re going to feel after the two months is up? It’s likely getting over him will be even more difficult than it is now. Breakups are very hard. And we’re sorry you’re struggling with this. The only way we see the two of you hanging out for the last two months before you leave is to have a very casual relationship where he can also be free to do his own thing. But we’re not recommending this. We think it’s going to be dissatisfying and you’re going to end up being more resentful and hurt.
I don’t like the idea of having friends with benefits. I don’t like to invest an effort or feelings for someone that is not that serious. I’ved watched the series Friend with benefits on tv and i don’t like it.
So there was this kid that I likes on a website and we started chatting and doing stuff on Skype. Eventually I said something about him if he found someone better since we live pretty far away, and he admitted that he was kinda telling me the truth about liking me, but he mostly wanted to see me naked. Also he thought the 2 year age differences was too much…eventually he decided that we shouldn’t talk anymore, even though I was the one helping him out. Basically I got nothing out of it. Not fair.
@S……Yeah, it sounds like this guy was looking for something you weren’t interested in giving. It’s a red flag when someone wants to see pictures of you naked and you don’t even know them very well. Be careful out there. Once you put stuff out into the web it’s very difficult to remove it completely.
Yep, thanks..
I’m just glad he admitted it, because if he didn’t then I would have still been showing him stuff just to keep him intrigued and still like me.
I live in a different state now, but whenever I go back home I go see him. As a couple we never had sex, because I was a virgin then(22) I dated a guy in my current location(Who I lost my virginity to at 23) but it didn’t work. On a visit back home over 2yrs ago, my Ex and I had sex for the 1st time with each other. We always stayed close even before that. He would message me to see how things were and I did the same. He said he missed me and sometimes we flirted. I’ve always cared for him, but for a while we stopped talking b/c I finally got the nerve to tell him how I still felt and he said he wasn’t looking for sex or a relationship, & he wanted to work on his relationship with God. I respected that and I felt the same myself. But I just wanted to know his feelings for me. So he responded again by saying “Let’s just be friends and keep it as that.” I was hurt, so I stopped talking to him b/c it hurt me, even though I live hundreds of miles away. Before I moved away he said he had feelings for me but since I was leaving, he tried not getting too attached. So I couldn’t believe why he said what he said. A year passed and we came into contact again and started back talking (as friends) Just recently(March 2012) I went back home, and he wanted to see me. We talked for hours catching up. He asked if I had a BF and when I said no, he was shocked and wanted to know why not. Later that night he started making moves on me. He gave me the best massage ever and some other foreplay moves. He asked when was the last time I had sex, I told him 18months. I was embarrassed but he didn’t react any type of way. He started to undress me and we had sex. But during the sex he says “You know we shouldn’t be doing this right?” What did he mean? This was our 1st time seeing each other in a little over 2yrs. I saw him 1 more time before I left but not for sex, just to hang out. But he asked me to stay the night with him. He didn’t try anything, we just slept. The next morning I dropped him off somewhere and he said how much!
he loves that state and how could I have moved away. I told him why but added that I didn’t know what God had planned down the road. Before getting out the car he hugs me, and says he hopes to see me on my next trip and that maybe we can work on me moving back. What did he mean by that? Does it mean he still cares? If I lived there again, would we be together? I’m afraid to ask him because of the last time I tried that. Not all our visits were sexual, sometimes he would just want me to spend the night while I’m in town. Even before we started having sex, and we would just hang out, he always looks me in the eye, and he listens. He’s dated since me but is single, I’ve dated a little but I’ve never felt the way I feel about him about any other Guy. I’ve only been with 3 guys, he was the 2nd, But we have the longest history. We are 25 and 26 now. After all these yrs we still deal with each other. Why? What’s your perspective? Thanks in advance
@Khaela……We left you a comment on the post, “Private talk”
So there is this guy I have been friends with since childhood, we are very close he knows I’ve liked him for a long time, I became recently available (no longer in relationship) the day he finally found out he changed. He started flirting more openly an started texting more sexually. It’s been 7 months ive told him how i felt numerous times, he said he also likes me, and besides us kissing there is nothing else he is doing. We have become closer we text every night before bed (he never calls) and he says he wants me to be more comfortable and open with him. Does he like me? Is it just sexual attraction? And is it worth me discussing with him
@Jennifer…….It’s only worth discussing if you really want something to develop. And more than just a friendship. Do you? Maybe he’s not sure how you feel so he’s playing it safe. Or it’s possible he’s not interested in more, or just doesn’t see you that way? It’s hard for us to say. It could go either way, but the only way to find out is to talk to him. You’re good enough friends to have an open and honest discussion. Good luck.
Alright Guys,
So I met this guy a couple years ago, right after I myself, went through a horrible break up after two years. He was “in the process” of being with a different girl, but still had sex with me a time or two before the final decision was made. We texted everyday, all day so a pretty great friendship was built up. But once the girl told him she didn’t want a relationship with him, he instantly got a hold of me and wanted me to come over, etc.
So we started our little thing knowing that the other didn’t want anything serious and it worked out fine for awhile. But then everything started getting a little fuzzy. Whenever he would leave he would kiss me goodbye, a few times, no matter who was in the room with us, he would get drunk and tell me that he missed me, even when I was back visiting family and there was no way for me to see him, when he got drunk when I was around, he would say things like “you’re just scared to speak your mind because you don’t want to ruin what we have.” It was just weird. So we would just stop talking and seeing each other for a few months, then start it all back up again.
So awhile ago, I slept with him again, just a bit before I started trying to get serious with another guy. A real relationship started with the other guy and at first my FWB handled it pretty well. But then we started talking every day again, because he initiated the conversation,
and things just got really confusing. He was always trying to talk me out of my new relationship, calling me to have 3 hour phone conversations at 3 in the morning, always asking how we as a couple were doing when I asked for advice and what not.
And then on NYE he kept texting me all night and then next day he told me he did indeed like me as more than a friend and it kind of blew me away that he was actually admitting those feelings. So after my relationship didn’t work out, I went back to sleep with him again, knowing my emotions were seperated from the situation, because after so long of being unsure, you just learn to seperate them.
So here we are, after 2 years of knowing and sleeping with this kid. He’s about to graduate college and I’m super proud of him. But after the last time we had sex, he just stopped talking to me. When I finally got to talk to him he said he “just didn’t have time” and that “we needed to move on eventually”. Even though these were things I knew would happen, I’m still a little pissed at the way he went about it. So I guess my question would be, what the hell is up with him?
@Julliett……..Thanks for your question. This sounds like a classic case of guy jealousy. It seems like both of you have always been a bit uncertain about the relationship you have. Part of that likely stems from the fact that both of you were playing it safe and not wanting to reveal your true feelings. It’s hard to really evaluate any relationship without both parties coming clean and being honest. Which is one of the reasons we think FWB arrangements are a bad idea in general. The very nature of that arrangement is a relationship in limbo. You do intimate things with each other, yet there’s no real emotional connection to round out the picture. And all this does is lead to confusion sooner or later. In your case, once you started seeing this other guy your “friend” got jealous and didn’t want you to be with this other guy. Here’s the catch. That doesn’t mean he wanted you himself, even if he convinced himself he did. It just means that guys are very territorial and sometimes they convince themselves they feel a certain way about a woman, when really it’s about not allowing another man to take what they think is theirs. He wasn’t being deceitful really—at least we don’t think so—he’s just not very self-aware. Sorry. We can totally understand that you’d be pissed off at him. Being treated like that doesn’t feel great. And just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean it’s an excuse to behave that way. The best thing you can do is try to move on and don’t let him try to derail you the next time. Finally: If he does have a change of heart and you really want to give this a try, then you need to start dating him as if you just met, and not sleep together for a while. We’re not saying this is a good idea or a bad idea, but we know relationships are complicated and it sounds like you have some feelings for him even if he was a jerk. But remember Julliett, you have to take care of yourself first. And if that means moving on, then that’s what you need to do. Some things to think about. Feel free to ask a follow up question or another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Oh man…I remember my delusional 21year old naive self thinking I could turn a Friends with Benefits situation into something more. Cue 5 years of the most intense roller coaster of emotional mind games I’ve ever experienced. It was so terrible how we were to each other. You said it best, RUN. Run as fast as you can away from those FWBs.
@Date Girl……Nice to see you! Where have you been?! We’ll have to come visit soon.