Read the script:
Friends with Benefits. It always seems like such a good idea doesn’t it? Easy, simple, no strings attached, no commitment, just pure unadulterated fun.
And you know it often seems to work for a while. Who needs the complications of a commitment anyway? Grown up words like accountability and responsibility belong in lecture halls, not in the bedroom.
And Life is about enjoyment. It’s about theme parks, vacations, dark chocolate, the beach, and hot car rides sipping a cold drink. And at the top of that list is giving yourself up and letting your hair down in the presence of someone you trust and have the hots for.
Picture this: You’re having dinner at your parents’ house and you get that text. You know the one. With the secret code words: Make cookies? or Dirty laundry? or Show tonight? You secretly smile to yourself and text back a resounding YES, because you know you’re in for a rockin’ evening. And then you gladly accept that extra piece of dessert, and happily endure the lecture you’re receiving from your parents about ‘when are you going to start being a responsible adult?’
Ahh….everything is bliss. But then…..
Then things unravels faster than you can say “unravel” because somehow this arrangement starts to feel like a relationship, and it turns out that maybe you do care about some of those adult words like accountability and responsibility. And to those you add one more word. Expectations.
Why is he going out with that other girl? I thought we had a good thing going?
He didn’t even want to talk afterwards. He just wanted to do his thing and leave.
Yikes. Now there’s a problem because there are two sets of expectations. His and hers.
Now more adult words creep into the equation: Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Resentment.
And part of the issue is, this type of relationship is different for men and women
Guys are often able to separate a physical relationship from an emotional one. For a guy, being involved in a Friends With Benefit relationship means only that. A friend, for which to have sex with no complications or expectations. And that’s why he’s often the one to propose such an arrangement.
But why would he do that instead of committing to something serious?
Three reasons. (Actually Four)
- The girl he’s hot for does not want to get serious. (He’ll take what he can get)
- The arrangment is convenient. (Nothing like a willing friend who’s always home on a Saturday night)
- He’s too lazy to find himself a real girlfriend. (Or too cheap)
- He knows the girl will be willing. (Some guys will exploit any situation.)
As far as women are concerned, sure, there might be some of you out there who are able to treat this type of arrangment like a guy might. But those women are few and far between.
So for the rest of you, here’s one simple rule to follow:
If you’re considering a Friends with Benefits arrangment because you’re hoping it will develop into something more, or because you’ll take any kind of relationship you can get with that guy you’re head over heals for, then walk away. In fact, run away as fast as you can, because the guy is not thinking what you’re thinking. He already knows how serious he wants to be with you, even if the sex is amazing. And that’s why he’s proposed “Friends with Benefits” rather than a committed relationship.
A few final words: A Friends with Benefits arrangment does not work for either gender because intimacy is complicated, filled with expectations, accountability and responsibility. Words used by grown ups in real relationships.
Please leave us a comment. Join the conversation or share your experiences as part of a “Friends with Benefits” relationship.
@Im Awkward....Sorry for the delay. Okay, here goes. Getting into a FWB arrangement with this guy is a BAD idea. We tell everyone this, of any age. But seeing that you're 15, we definitely advise against it. (Trust us, you'll be annoyed you did when you look back on it.) You're right. It's unlikely you'll marry whoever you're with now, but that doesn't mean they're not an important part of your life. What you choose to do now will shape who you are later. So think hard about your decisions. And frankly, you deserve better than this. Have some respect and say no to this guy. He basically wants sex from you but can't be bothered with anything else. We say, LAME. VERY LAME.......A few points about young guys that you should know and tell your friends. Guys are blinded by girl's bodies. It's all about that at your age. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You want a guy who thinks you're hot. But you also want balance. You want a guy who thinks you're interesting and who wants to really get to know you and spend time with you beyond the bedroom, or car, or wherever you're doing what you're doing. Teenage guys don't have a lot of balance which is why it's hard to know where they're really coming from when they flatter you and make you feel special. At least this guy is being honest with you and not pretending he's in love with you. We give him credit for that, but we still advise against it. Thoughts? Does this help? Please share our site with your friends. And read some other posts about dating in high school, etc. Good luck and take care.
@OneOfTheGuys Afternoon Gents! Wanted to say "Hi" and give an update as things have changed since we last "spoke". As you know I'd given up on C because he and I could not seem to find a way to make our schedules work, but I am pleased to report that last night he came over and we finally kicked things off with hours of mind blowing, toe curling fun. He left this morning and we will be getting together again next week should everything go according to our schedules. I am a bit worried about his perception of our sitch as he did a few things I found out of character for a FWB such as wanting to hold, kiss and cuddle me throughout our "down time" and grabbing me for a long kiss before he left this morning. In past FWB experiences I've never had this happen... it's been sex, a bit of conversation as clothing was reapplied, and goodbyes with MAYBE a small peck. When he pulled me close afterwards, I wasn't receptive to it at first and he was hurt by it. So I gave in and allowed him to hold me and he was happy. I'm trying not to read into this but again- I don't believe this to be typical FWB etiquette... am wrong? Also, he's started showing jealousy to somethings... which I don't think is normal either. Opinions? Please...
Me ex and I were together for 2 years. Our relationship was complicated. It was a constant back and forth break up on my part due to a lot of fighting and he lives at home which made things harder. He is 28 I'm 25. He would also break things like my phone, windshield etc. when he lost his temper (he hit me a few times) He eventually went to anger management but after a while I felt the damage was done. I broke up with him 3 months ago and cut contact for a few weeks. I was miserable without him and contacted him. He told me he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore because I went back and forth so much during the relationship for 2 years it hurt him and he was tired of the fighting. We still hung out together all the time (spent most nights together)for about a month and he told me he wasn't talking to anyone else. I found out he had been getting numbers from women clubs, bars etc. I confronted him, even though we weren't together he felt like he needed to lie to me. Eventually he said he couldn't handle the fighting and we needed to "be friends" so I cut off contact with him for a few weeks. Now we are doing the FWB thing. I thought I was over him but I am having mixed emotions now. I want to be with him but if he wanted to be with me he would be right? The other night he came over and I asked him a question.. something stupid and jokingly like "thanks for ignoring my text" I had asked how his parents were and he flipped out; Got angry and stormed off. Why would he get so mad at me over nothing if we are just friends? I am so confused because I want him in my life one way or the other. All he does now is drink and go to the gym. I thought we were both past the fighting stage, I want him as a friend but I think he wants me as a booty call.
Hey! haha okay well im only 15 but i have a couple questions just generally about how guys are. i am usually the girl who gets a bunch of guys all over her (im not popular though) its like the awkward inbetween girl. most people tell me im super nice and adorable and hot , some say beautiful but i dont really know about that haha (this relates to my question) people tell me i could do so much better than the boys that i like / go out with and lately (past year basicly) i havent been able to keep a steady relationship because something is always missing or i start to get feelings for somebody else really fast. ive been in spanish class with this really popular guy all year and we talked once on facebook and he ocassionally says something to me , i believe it is just to be polite but im not sure. he is actually kindof shy for a popular boy when it comes to talking to girls in general haha as far as i know but here is the weird thing... he randomly chatted me on facebook two days ago and sent "Hey! ;)" i thought he got the wrong person and it wasnt ment for me but i said hey back anyways . then he said he wouldnt be on facebook and gave me his number? so i texted him and we talked for a bit (like an hour) then we had a dance and i was him there , he sid hey to me and we talked a bit about nothing just friendly talking , no flirting. then that night i was with a couple friends (we had a sleepover) and he texted me . we were talking until 4:30 am ( all my friends were awake , we were watching movies and they were all excited cause i was talking to this super popular kid and trying to help me with what to say back to him) well our conversation got intense really fast actually... he asked me if i was currently into anyone and i sorta am , i have a thing with this boy and we have liked each other on and off all year but sometimes i feel like he only likes me for my boobs and butt cause guys can be like that but its not like he is getting them soo i dont know and then he said he didnt like anyone so could it be that he likes me? but then he started to say that most girls dont like him so i told him that i would be flattered if a guy like him was into me and after a couple confedent boosters like that he brought up friends with benefits and how he isnt into relationships . he says its too much work, and its easier to talk occasionally and hook up when you see eachother and have some intimate moments then said relationships are too hard to keep when you dont live close. i think i kinda agree with that because we are 15 so why bother? its not like you are going to marry eachother. he kept asking me about the other boy and how long we would last after that. even if all he wants is friends with benefits , could he still actually like me and just not want drama? or does he not actually want anything with me but used it as a conversation topic? and why would he stay up so late yo talk to ME? haha oh and what do you believe he thinks friends with benefits means like a relationship with no effort ? would he go for other girls while in a FWB relationship with me? because i dont know if i would be able to handle that but then again i would probably go for other guys while we are and would he still call me things like pretty occasionally? or would he not even flirt with me and just hook up with me? and last night we talked about music and i found out he is into the same music as me and not that popular stuff . could he just be afraid to commit too? his last girlfriend was in sixth grade i think and im pretty sure she broke his heart for another boy . we still dont know each other that well though i just wanted your opinion on what i could be getting myself into and his perspective , thanks! sorry its long
@Conflicted........It's interesting because from what you say, we thought guy #2 was your best bet. Guy #1 is using you. He's a player, or at least he's playing with you. What exactly are you doing if you're not kissing w/no intercourse? Just oral? Look at this from our perspective. That's going nowhere. And yes, your gut is right. Guys are territorial. He doesn't want you to move on even though he doesn't want you. Our advice on that? Don't waste any more time with #1. Even if he turns into prince charming. That's a dead-end. In fact, we'd say, the less you even see him the better. If guy #3 hasn't called you by now we'd say forget him too. It could be because he feels guilty for going too far and isn't sure how you really feel. But it could also be because he's a player too and is looking for sex. And since you didn't give it to him he's not interested in anything else with you. We don't get the greatest feeling from him. So where does that leave you. Guy #2. Although, it sounds kind of close, a bit incestuous, since he's a friend of guy #1. Honestly, we think you should put these three behind you, and start meeting people well beyond your circle. Good luck.
Hey Guys, I have a recently complicated situation. Everyone involved is in their mid to late 20s. I have a best friend who I have been having a declining FWB (no kissing, no intercourse, just messing around) relationship with (which he initiated) for the better part of this past year. He's an attractive, successful, charming guy. Girls tend to flock to him, and I have loved him for a very long time. Needless to say, it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. Whenever we talk generally about what constitutes a successful relationship and marriage, we are on the same page. I possess the qualities and mindset that he would be looking for in a woman if he was looking, and the qualities I want in a man are what he possesses. We have excellent physical chemistry, strong mutual attraction, and share a deep, long, emotional connection. He is in a great place career wise and financially. However, that hasn't been enough for him to want to commit. He's admittedly being very selfish. Some things happened in my life where I needed him to be there but he didn't make himself available, so I broke off all contact from him for about three weeks. He continued to try to make conversation with me during that time, but I never responded. Unfortunately, we run in the same circles, and I know that I will be seeing a lot of him in the months to come, so I decided to take a different approach, one that is simply friendly, without flirting, at least on my end. He had seen me at a party the week before (while I wasn't speaking to him) and commented on how turned on he was by my appearance (even though I was dressed rather modestly) a week later when I finally did text him back. He attempted to get me to see him, said he knew I'd rather be with him than anywhere else, etc. I refused to change my plans for him and responded rather confidently, which he took notice of. A few days later, I saw him comment on another girl's photo, discussing his huge crush on her. I found out that he admitted his crush to her back when he first started seeing me. I was furious, and pulled back. I removed him from my social media so that I could stop feeling and acting like such a stalker. I was feeling pretty down, so I decided I needed a pick-me-up/ego boost from a guy, and had two close by options, one of which is my best friend's friend (aka guy #2, who has admitted to liking me a lot) and a third guy, who has always been kind and respectful towards me, but gives off this vibe that he likes me at the same time. Guy #2 already warned me that he would attack me next time he sees me, so I decided to play it safe and picked guy #3 to spend some time with. He too is a very attractive, tall, well built, kind guy (moreso than #1, at least physically) who has tons of females after him, but he is a trustworthy person. We were hanging out at his place and I needed to leave, and at the last moment, he asked if I would be okay with him kissing me since I wouldn't be seeing him for a long time and he didn't want me to get attached/hurt. We talked about it, he said he wants to focus on going back to school at the moment and doesn't want to get distracted with a relationship. I essentially put the decision to kiss me in his hands, and he took it, kissing me long and hard. It became much more than kissing fairly quickly, I had to keep reminding him to slow down. The experience was enjoyable, and we saw each other the next day, but he ended up going too far. I told him as much, and he apologized, saying he needed some time to cool down before he could see me again so that he wouldn't get as physical as he did the second day. I told him not to take long to get back to me since our schedules are about to fill up within the next month. How long should I be waiting for him to contact me? It's been four days; I'm getting a little antsy though I know I probably shouldn't make so much of it. Also, in the meantime, Mr FWB has been getting more and more curious as to my whereabouts and is acting more nosey. If I try to act cool or mimic him and point out his curiosity, he jokingly turns it around on me, making it as if I am doing something to flatter him. I'm a little confused as to how I feel about everything. I feel like guy #3 could come around a lot faster than #1 in terms of changing his mind about being in a relationship. Also, the fact that he actually kissed me, whereas #1 has never kissed me, is making me develop some feelings for him. I'm just afraid that #1 is taking me on another ride merely because I'm pulling away and not because he means to change his attitude towards relationships. What's your opinion on what I should do? Who should I go for?
@Missy.....We think it's a bad idea. You're obviously into him. Why settle? If he doesn't want all of you, we'd suggest not giving him any. But that's just our two cents. Clearly, people still embark on FWB all of the time. Rarely does it work out.
I m goin to start a FwB relation with one of my close guy friends. We've been knowing each other for a year and half and getting really close this year, especially after i broke up with my ex boyfriend on march. We text each other everyday and hangout every week. We started flirting with each other about a month ago, then turned into sexting, then things really heated up and we suddenly somehow end up with an arrangement of FWB. We both set ground rules for this relation and both agreed to everything about the arrangement. We both know the basic tips of how to maintain a good FWB relation is to seeing each other as minimum as possible, but it seems impossible for us as we will go to the same law school, share heaps of mutual friends, share tons of mutual interests and we also have a lot of studf to talk about. I just don't wanna ruin our friendship cuz he is really amazing and important to me as a friend, someone might say"then just don't sleep with him, just be normal friends". He is incredibly hot and charming, that makes me feel it will be the bigger shame of my life if i can't do it with him, i can also tell we r sexually attractive to each other and the sex is goin to be amazing. Meanwhile I'm dating two other guys(no sex yet) and my FwB doesn't know it. I seriously don't know where this FWB relation gonna heading to, but I will give it a try. Can someone here just tell me what do they think about this?
@Analee......What do you mean? There's nothing going on. The two of you hooked up. He'd probably like to hook up again at his convenience, but nothing more is going to transpire, otherwise it would have already. Our advice: Move on. This is just going to get more confusing and frustrating. Take care.
Hey guys! I have a question. I'm in college and I met this guy at a bar. We went on a few dates and he told me that he didn't want a relationship. I told him I was ok with it, and that we could be friends and do more if we wanted to. We ended being intimate a few times and then school started and we lost touch. A few months later, we start texting and talking again but I don't know where we stand! We've hung out twice and I met his friends when we went to a bar and then I went over his place to watch a movie and we haven't been intimate since before we lost touch. What's going on?
@Stacey.......If he hasn't brought up a relationship with you specifically then he's probably not interested in more than FWB with you. If you want something more you need to bring it up to him, or move on. But honestly, we don't see this going anywhere. It just seems like it would have progressed much further by now if it was going to. Good luck.
Heyy, I was wondering if I could get some insight on what's going on between my best friend and I. We have been best friends for nearly two years now and we've become really close. We talk every day and, between the two of us, send about 100 texts or so each day. We talk about anything and everything. No topic is taboo no matter what it is. We go out about once a week with our friends. Anyways, about 8 months ago he started to come over once or twice a week to just cuddle and hang out. He didn't every bring up having sex with me. We just laid in bed holding each other and talking. About 3 months ago we were hanging out and we got extremely drunk and since we had to share a bed that night one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The next day we both decided that it was a bad idea and it shouldn't happen again. Needless to say we have hooked up quite a few times since that happened. Our friendship hasn't changed, if anything we have become closer friends. Ever since we started to have sex he is more willing to talk about personal things than he was before. He has mentioned to me many times that he wants to get a girlfriend but and usually he brings it up after we have had sex. I don't know if he is just using me for sex or if he is hinting that he is interested in something more. Any help you could give on this situation would be extremely helpful. Thanks, Stacey
@Being Still.......That might be the best solution, but we didn't want to suggest such an upheaval. We're sorry that you're missing your friend. We know it's not easy. Hang in there and feel from to come "talk" here any time. Take care.
I'm very sorry guys, I didn't mean to ramble on about a situation that I should've been over long ago. I have been job hunting, that is the best solution I have. FWB is risky, I thought my best friend would always be there and that our friendship was first and foremost most important. Everything will be okay. Thank you for allowing me a place to talk.
Unfortunately, it's a very small company... 12 office employees and We are both in the same department (consisting of 3 people total, us and our boss). I have always been very respectful of our privacy so no one at the office is aware. We used to go to lunch every day, some days I can go with them (him in the group) and I either sit quietly or talk small talk with everyone. Most days I make up an excuse and work through lunch to leave early. I miss my friend. I've come to realize that I wrapped my life around him and I don't remember who I am outside of what "we" were. I miss having someone I trust to talk to and laugh with and go to movies with. I grew up hard and alone, parents he said that divorce and bad relationships make men stay single... that's the difference between he and I - I've always been single. He doesn't drink, smoke, he's not abusive... he's just not in love with me - there's nothing I can fix or do to change that. I just... miss my friend, the man that used to care if I wasn't at work and ask if I was feeling okay. After 5 years... how do you just not care about someone? How can I become important... to anyone?
@BeingStill........We're sorry. Typically this gets easier with time but not when you're seeing him every day. Is there anything you can do about that? Move your desk? Transfer? And what are you the most upset about? That he's not trying at all to be friends/friendly?
Hey guys, I'm having a little trouble knowing what to do. My friend hasn't tried to come back, we talk briefly still at work but that's still all there is. My emotions catch up with me some days but for the most part I don't cry after a day at work with him anymore. I've always been a good friend, forgiving, understanding and I give love without condition.. I have a problem walking away from him because we have always been the best of friends, well, at least I have been to him. I feel a sense of guilt when I don't start a conversation, if I don't ask how he is doing or show an interest in his day to day life. It's difficult to be here... ten feet from his desk... and pretend I don't care. It's like having a wound and ripping the band-aid off every day. I told him we'd always be friends but I shouldn't have to be the only friend. I wish I could turn off my emotions just as he has and not care anymore.
One of the Guys: Aloha. I did end up seeing him today. He went out of his way to show up somewhere he knew I would be and we saw each other for a couple of hours- but not in a "beneficial" way... just talking and joking. I don't get it. Thanks. I'm sorry for the outcome too, but there are other fish in the sea. Thanks again & y'all take care of yourselves too! I'll definitely be in touch :)
@Renee....Sorry for this outcome. Thanks for filling us in. Take care of yourself and keep in touch.
@Marina.....How old are you? Him? From what we can tell he wanted sex from you. That's it. We're sorry. We know this is hard. This guy is a player, and who knows what else. Fill us in some more.
*BAM* It ended before it could even begin. "C" and I will not be getting naked tomorrow b/c something came up (and not in the way I had hoped. Lol.). I'm a big believer in "signs" and this appears to be a gianormous, flashing, illuminated, neon one that this isn't meant to happen... and IF it ever is, it's just not at this point in time. He keeps trying to apologize and explain. I didn't tell him I was done... I'm just letting it go. He keeps trying to get a better response from me than "it is what it is" but I don't really have one for him even though I anticipated this outcome. I don't resent him at all, but I will say I'm disappointed and frustrated (in more ways than one). This was supposed to be hot, sweaty and fun but instead it's been complicated and confusing. It's also kind of messed w/my self esteem some too. Why would a guy tell you how bad he wants you (not to mention what he wants you to do to him & what he wants to do to you) and then not jump on it when it's offered?! Did I make it too easy? Was it the thrill of the chase (Not to sound bitchy but technically he didn't catch it. LOL.)? I mean, am I right? It's all good... everything happens for a reason. I've made the decision to head back into "retirement". I probably should've just stayed there to begin with. If anything more should ever arise, I'll definitely let you guys know. I greatly appreciate that y'all took the time to listen, gave advice & wished me luck. I'll definitely seek out your wisdom again. I'll also be liking on FB & following on Twitter :) Thanks gents! xoxo
I need some HELP!!! I'm devastated... I was really stupid... I have this guy friend he is quiet flirtatious with young girls but he wasn't eally like that with me. he is 10 years older than me and we've known each other for 3 years, we became really good friends but then in the past 6 months he got really flirtatious with me but in a different way than with other girls, he was kinda sweet but he got sexual with me, he wouldnt try to kiss me, he would try something else... it happened a couple of times and i'd always stop him and he would always pretend that nothing happened afterwards and I'd play it cool but it started to confuse me. a few weeks ago it went too far away and we did kiss this time but i freaked out when I realized that I feel something else for him and if we had sex it was gonna be for worse... so I left and when i got home he sent me a text saying he was sorry and i told him that I cant do it and I was confused and I care about him and wanted the best for him and then he texted me, "i want the best for you too, FRIEND"... then as usual he would pretend that nothing happened but I had to talk about it this time... during our conversation he said that he never had intentions and doesnt have any intentions in pursuing a romantic relationship with me and that he always knew what he wanted and he just went for it... this devastated me, I guess even though i wasnt sure if he was right for me or sure about my feelings, i was expecting that he would be at least curious about me because there is friendship, it hurts knowing that he has never cared for me not romantically but as a person and friend... is this right? he doesnt care, right? am I being to harsh? now he wants everything to be like before but i'm having emotional breakdowns every time i see him, I just feel like he's playing a game and i don't play games... what should I do? i miss his friendship but at the same time i know he doesnt care... please help...
@Renee.....We agree. It already seems very complicated and it hasn't even started. In general, we're not fans of FWB for these reasons: Confusion. Frustration. Resentment. Good luck. Let us know.
Hello there gents! Popped in for a quick sec to touch base. Still no mind blowing, toe curling situations as of yet. In fact it's like a ghost town... my frustration is festering as I'm not finding this FWB sitch to be very beneficial it's just friendly. SUPPOSEDLY Tuesday this is "gonna happen" but to be honest I'm growing bored and starting to feel he just isn't ready. I've done as y'all suggested and not made any attempts to "schedule" or "suggest" days to kick this thing off, and he came up w/(this upcoming) Tuesday. I said in response something to the tune of "I see you're not scared anymore. Hahahahaha...) he came back with (and I quote): "Hahaha! No I'm not scared. Not trying to be mean but I'm not trying to over think if that makes sense. Here's the thing, I don't know what to expect when it happens I have an idea but still don't know what to expect and I'm not trying put any added pressure on myself or you at the same time..." I told him I didn't think that was mean & that there's not supposed to be expectations, pressure or thinking involved... this is supposed to just be fun. I don't know... am I missing something? He kept saying he wants this to happen but I feel like he doesn't. I think I should wash my hands of it if it doesn't happen Tuesday... opinions?
@TheGuys Thanks. : ) What I meant is I don't think every single fwb is doomed from the start. I somehow have faith in the fwb "rules". The thing is most people agree to have an fwb arrangement even though they want something else from that person or in general.
@OneOfTheGuys Will do gents! Thanks for the luck :)
@Renee.....Definitely keep us posted. And good luck.
@OneOfTheGuys Right?! Dude, that's what I said! And he appeared to be all about it (I got a "holy shit! Really?!" (the shock I told you about), "Hell yeah! This'll be a good thing, I've been curious since we met" & an "I'm flattered!" so wouldn't one kinda have to somewhat believe he's all about it? He "fell" for his last FWB (she was married & used him for "revenge"- which backfired on C), and so I'm wondering if he's prepping himself for my "numbness" on the situation. I'm also hoping that he can keep this strictly sex. You're right, I have pondered this throughly (is that a bad thing?). I'm super selective about who I "lay down with" (hey- there are diseases out there!). I agree that I may be being a bit logical, but as a mom, I feel like even though this is for "shits n' giggles" I need to make sure I don't sleep w/a "psycho" and that he (whoever "he" is/ends up being) & I are on the same page (& hopefully remain on the same page). Hopefully it's not "back to the drawing board" because C & I have got some pretty intense sexual chemsitry and I'm quite confident (and he's said this to me as well) that this would be FUN! But like you said, "the ball's in his court". All I can do is sit back and take it as it comes (no pun intended. Hahahahahaha!).
@Renee......Well, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this. But now the ball is in his court. Let him initiate. If he doesn't, it might be time to look for another candidate. He seems a bit wary, don't you think? Because most guys would be jumping at the opportunity. Unless he thinks you're being too logical, and he's wondering about that, and so, he doesn't want to get involved with something that turns into a mess.
@Being Still.......Thank you for keeping us posted. We're sorry that you're feeling sad and isolated, but glad that you're seeing that it's time to move on. We don't doubt you'll figure this all out. Be patient with yourself and take it a step at a time. Take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing.
@Anonymous Girl..........It has nothing to do with being a woman or a man. Friends with Benefits often start with good intentions, but they usually end up with somebody getting hurt.
I'm confused! Let me explain "why" (I apologize in advance because this is gonna be lengthy!)... I AM 1 of the "few & far between" chicks mentioned @ the end of this article. I'm usually considered one of the guys. I can cus like a sailor, laugh and talk just as much crap as the next guy, and I don't get offended easily. Because of things in my past, I don't associate sex with love/emotions. I don't have to "love" him to do it... nor do I have to want a relationship w/him (a simple attraction will suffice). I don't always wanna "cuddle" afterwards and unless we have a previous arrangement I don't want to wake up and find my "FWB" beside me in the morning. But, beneath all of this awesomeness, I am still a chick. I'm not a smokin' hot model type... but I'm not fugly either (not to sound vain but), I'm asked out quite a bit. I'm also a single mom with little to no time for anything remotely close to a relationship, so (all of that being said...) I made the command decision to blow the dust off of my goodies and recruit myself a FWB. It's been a looong time and I believe some touch may do me good. After months of pondering, I selected a suitable candidate and placed the offer on the table. He's also a single parent (a very involved w/his kids one at that) who lives 30 mins away from me and a hard worker and our schedules sometimes conflict quite a bit. We'll call him C. I sent C a text and simply put every card on the table. C was completely shocked- but eager. *Yay!!!* right?! Not so fast... We laid out the ground rules. All seemed to be great! Then C started to mention "what if someone gets feelings?" and I QUICKLY responded with "we'd end it if it's not mutual or cross that bridge/persue it if it is" and he agreed. Then I presented the 1st potential "opportunity". C said he'd get back w/me. Well, we've spoken and texted (every day) and even seen each other since then (briefly in public)... but C claims he still "doesn't know" if this date/time is going to work. I've countered w/other dates/times and was told flat out these don't work. I feel like I'm nagging if I keep offering dates/times, but at the same time I'm ready to get beneficial! I mean isn't that the point?! I'm torn on the thought of throwing this one back and casting my line into the sea again... Any advice?!
I don't need a relationship just because I'm a girl. I don't even believe in love anymore. I wish I had an fwb exclusive arrangement with some good guy and that's about it.
hey guys, it's been almost two weeks since i wrote about my situation and i've worked very hard at sticking to my decision to walk away from relationship with my friend. it's been very hard being without the companionship of my friend, going to movies, playing video games and just general joking and laughing about the tasks of the day, but the weight of his indecisiveness about making a commitment to me is gone and it's been a welcomed relief. admittingly i never liked being just a "friend with benefits", i was ashamed of myself for a long time but since he was the only person i was with and he wasn't seeing anyone else i thought he would eventually see me for the wonderful, caring woman i am... he would fall in love with me too. he still barely speaks to me, i don't presume to understand why or how you can tell someone that you care about them and they are your best friend and then treat them as if they don't exist... but being the caring woman that i am... i remain constant. love is unconditional, i have given that to him... i have shown him that it is possible despite what he has encountered in the past. i have started looking for work back in my home town (1,500 miles away). i moved to where i am 9 years ago, i have no family here and he was pretty much the only friend i would talk to all the time, now it feels empty being here. as he was my best friend i did tell him, but he's found comfort in the distance he's put between us so i do believe it's truly over. i will miss him so much, but i think it will be what's best for both of us. thank you for listening. wish me luck and pray my greatness comes soon. being still.
@Sally.....If he's suggesting FWB then he's not looking to get into a serious relationship. Which also means it's unlikely it will morph into a serious relationship. So if you're okay with that, go with the flow. If you're accepting FWB hoping something will develop then you're entering "risky" territory, at least from an emotional standpoint, because it's unlikely. You should read some of the other comments, etc. on this forum and others on our site. Take care and good luck.
So, my bf and I were dating for about 4 months. I ended up telling him that I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship because he wouldn't actually TELL me he liked me. I turned into a complete girl. We agreed to be friends with no hard feelings. Now, a few weeks later we are talking again, but like a FWB thing. We're in our 35's, both divorced, both with kids- both scared. I have feelings for him. But I could do FWB, for awhile, not sure what my feelings will do. He's talking about dinner and over nights too, not just hump and dump. Advice?
Thanks for your reply, however he wanted to move here way before he met me, so it's not like he is doing it because of me.
@Paolo.....If he's already talking about moving to your country that sounds like he's interested in having you as more than just a toy. That said, just be patient. Let this unfold naturally. The long distance component makes it a little bit harder, and can add more stress to the situation. But right now it's too early to tell what's going on.
I met this guy basically because he was coming to my country on vacations and when I saw he posted a comment saying he wanted to meet people to show him particular places where no tours were done, I just warned him to be careful and then we kept talking. He was here for over a month, he asked me to go visit him at the beach but hell I wasn't going to visit someone I didn't know, so I made all kind of excuses why I couldn't go. In the end he told me he would change his reservation on the first night only if I was going to meet him. I agreed and I met him at his hotel, so I arrived at 5pm and left at 12:30am, we went from the bar to the restaurant to have dinner and then to the bar again. He kissed me and asked if I had to go home which I said yes because I had to work in the morning but even if I didn't have to work I wouldn't have stayed! He called a few minutes after to make sure I made it safe at home and apologized for trying to get me in his bed. Since that day, he kept calling me everyday and we talked for an hour or two. Then he again asked me if I would want to go visit him, that he had an extra room with a lock if that would make me feel safe lol. So I went and we hanged out from Friday to Monday, we went to the beach, and spent a lot of time together. We slept together because the other room he mentioned didn't have air conditioner so he said he would sleep there and give me his room but I didn't want him to do that so we just slept and kissed and touched each other but didn't have sex. I'm divorced but long story short, almost virgin and well I told him the whole story when I met him the first time, just as he told me about his life. Anyway we were like that the 3 days I was there, well I did give him a bj on Sunday and then Monday I was leaving in the afternoon, so in the morning we tried to have sex but I couldn't, I felt so frustrated I started crying and he hugged me and told me not to cry that it was fine and that maybe we could try later on, so we did right before I was leaving, now this time it worked but it hurt me the whole time, he asked me to relax and also if I wanted him to stop but I said no. Then he took me to the bus stop and said he wanted to see me again before he left. He paid for everything while I was there so I hide money on his camera case and told him but he got a bit mad, he said I had to let him spoil me. I came back home and he kept calling everyday just like before, which I was afraid he wasn't since we had sex. Two weeks after there I was going back to see him again for the weekend. I arrived and we went out for dinner, then back to the apartment and well we had sex again, this time was way better, it didn't hurt as much as before. Then we cuddle and we went to sleep. The day after at night, he cooked for me, he didn't want me to do dishes, but if he cooked, it was fair to me to do dishes. Everything he did was delicious! Then we watched tv for a while and went to bed, didn't have sex but pleased each other. I was leaving Sunday afternoon again so we went to the beach for a while and then came back to get ready. He told me not to get any bottoms that he would take care of me before I left and not to worry about him. Once again he told me he wanted to see me before he left and when I got home he told me he had hidden the money I left him last time on my suitcase. As usual we kept talking daily, then the next weekend he was coming to a closer beach and I couldn't take off from work because I had to be there for the month end close, as it was April 1st, so my crazy little head figured to go meet him Sunday and leave Monday at 5am to be at work on time by 8 and so I did. We walked along the town, he hold my hand and he told me I wasn't allowed to like anyone else lol. I gave him a couple shirts I got him and some sculpture and later he got me some earings and a pendant. That weekend he was sick of his tummy, so I took care of him the day I was there, when I was leaving at 5am, he told me he was walking with me and I asked him to stay in bed because he was sick and I just had to get out of the hotel, cross the street and the bus stop was right there, so there was no need to but he got up, got dressed and walked me which I think was very nice of him. I saw him again the day before he was leaving and spent the night with him at the hotel I found for him near the airport. I paid for the hotel and dinner that night and at first he was upset but then said nobody ever did that for him and it felt awesome. Now he is gone, and I thought maybe I wasn't going to hear from him again but just like before, we have been talking everyday since he left on skype. We don't have a bf/gf relationship but I did tell him that if he wanted to go out with anyone to at least tell me because I don't share! And also told him I didn't want to be his toy when he comes here but he said he liked me and wanted me to go visit him. His idea is to move here so what do you think? By the way I'm 30 and he is 42 but doesn't look like he is 42!
@Being Still....You're welcome. Take care. And keep in touch and let us know how things are.
Thank you, I don't feel guilty for my decision anymore. I've spent years of loving him unconditionally, surprising him with gifts that he would mention he would like to have, remaining silent when my feelings were hurt and waiting for him to be there when I needed him wondering what it was I was doing wrong. I don't crowd him, I don't ask for much in return at all... I just wanted to be loved. I will continue to be strong. Thanks again.
@Being Still.......Absolutely not. He's not in love with you and has been stringing you along for years. You did the right thing. It's time to move on. This relationship was a dead end from the beginning. He wanted to be in love with you, maybe even tried to be in love with you, but for some reason wasn't. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. And believe us, those guys are out there. It's time to also put yourself out there as well. Good for you for having the strength to finally break it off. But a word of warning: He'll be back, begging again for another chance. But it will much of the same. Will you have the strength to resist then? We hope so. Take care.
I met my best friend 6 years ago. He was getting a divorce, bad divorce (cheating wife), lost custody of his son who was 7 at the time. We talked every day on the phone and at work and after about 4 months became intimate. It got too uncomfortable for him, we had a falling out and we didn't speak for about six months. He became emotionally involved with a married woman, sexually involved with another woman in our office and was talking to me about everything again. I'm an insecure person, I grew up with parents that have had multiple divorces, I was abused so trust for me is difficult. We began our "friends with benefits" in 2009. Even though I had already fallen in love with him I made sure to cover those feelings up and enjoy what we had because he was also my best friend. We played video games, went to movies, I would spend the night. Several times he's met other women, we'd break it off - it would last a week or two and he'd be right back with me. In 2011 I met someone and fearing that my friend and I would never work out I gave it a try. My friend text me ALL the time, even when he knew I was on a date. Of course, I was in love with my friend so the dating lasted just a short time then I was back with my friend. He then met someone about a month later, he really thought he was compatible with, it was very very hard on me but I wished him the best and kept my distance so he might have a chance to make it work. We didn't speak for almost a month, but then he was texting and talking to me again, said that he couldn't get past the guilty feeling he had for being with another woman. We started hanging out again, he had since had a guy roommate move in and opened up on his own and told his roommate about me. I spent the night about once a week, it was very comfortable and content for us both. I live in a town that is an hour away but we worked together, I was offered another job in my town, he asked me not to go. I was offered another job in his town and he encouraged me to take it... I did, and two months after he too took on a job at this company. It's been two years and two months ago he left me again for another woman. It lasted three dates before he ran back to me apologizing and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was afraid of losing me, that he "f-ed" up and realized he would be losing the best thing he ever had. I agreed to be his girlfriend. In the meantime,he's taken in his son, filing for custody and reverse of child support and found out his xwife has moved out of state without telling their son who she's had for the last 4 years. He had told me a week after asking me to be his gf that he thought I was the greatest woman he could ever find but it wasn't fair to me because he wasn't "in love" with me. I asked what he wanted to do and he said "i want to fall in love with you and everything be okay". So I waited... He stopped talking to me. Three weeks of little to no conversation, no video games, no movies, no texting after work, no messaging while at work and when I asked him a month later if he missed me, he shook his head sadly and said "no". So I told him our relationship was over. Our friends were shocked, they all believed it would work out for us... did I make a mistake?
Hey guys, sorry but I'm really confused and would love any advice that you could offer. I have a best guy friend who I got really close to last year (we'd stay up talking for hours and shared more than we've shared with anyone else). But towards the beginning of when we started getting close, I started going out with another friend of ours (a very close friend of his). About 2 months ago, My best friend and I kissed and he told me that he'd really liked me since we first became close and that seeing me with my then-boyfriend made him jealous. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend about a week later because I knew I felt the same way and he's going abroad in a few weeks but after that it was a bit weird between me and my friend. When we go out with a group of friends and get tipsy, we automatically get touchy-feely with each other and hold hands but other than that we spend hardly any time together anymore, whereas we used to have really good chats at least twice a week. A couple of days ago we ended up going out for supper and a couple of drinks with another friend and somehow I ended up going back to my friend's house. Having been slightly awkward with each other ever since we'd kissed, we ended up sleeping together and he told me again that he'd liked me for ages and that I was the only person he could properly talk to. Anyway, this sounds all "cut and dried" but this is where it gets really confusing. The next morning when I woke up, he wasn't next to me and had left at some point in the night to sleep in a friend's room (who wasn't there at that point)... so that made it really awkward when it came to leaving the house and trying not to look like I was sneaking out because I had to make a point of going in to wake him up and say goodbye! Since then we haven't spoken, apart from me trying to make one funny "awkward silence"-breaker (which he did reply to but in a very "short and sweet" way)... I'm completely confused about what's really going on here! He's a really sweet guy and would never be an arsehole deliberately but he's sending such mixed messages... I know he used to like me a lot when we first started getting close but I don't know if he's now just capitalising on the fact that it's clearly obvious that I like him... Does he actually like me or am I being played for a naive idiot? Sorry for the ramble guys but this is really getting me down - especially as he is (or was) one of my closest friends and I honestly thought he meant everything he said (Ha - he even said he meant everything he'd said!) but now I'm not so sure... Any thoughts would be really helpful, Charlie
@Goofs....So did you hook up? Because if so this is a classic case of a guy who wants only sex. Once he got that he's not interested. But once he gets horny again he'll be back to confuse you some more. It's a pattern.
I met this guy a month or so ago, we have been hanging out almost everyday since we met, we hooked up a few times (but we haven't had sex yet) anyways we went away on the weekend, the 1st night when we went to bed he was really touchy feely and wanted to hook up and all that. The next day everything changed, we still see each other but we don't kiss or anything it's like we just all of a sudden transformed into friends.. He still calls me and and wants to hang out but there's no passion, and I think it's because I got a bit freaked and pulled back a bit.. Any ideas any one? This is a confusing little situation.
@Nohemi.....First of all, stop beating yourself up. Things happen. We learn from them and move on. Maybe women feel the way you do about their first time. Think about it. The first time is almost always going to be a letdown no matter how it happens. To your question: How do you stop? You just stop. If you can't do that maybe you need to find a different place to waitress at. And we can guarantee that he'll miss you even if he pretends he doesn't.
i just turned 18 and i was a virgin when i first started working as a waitress, and i started talking to one of the bartenders at work and he is really really attractive like probably the hottest person ive ever seen, or one of. then one night he wanted to hangout after work and we went to his house to drink and i was on his bed about to sleep when he made the moves and we did it, and it was my first time, we started doing it on the weekends a bit after that but i have like absolutely no feelings for him.. i dont like him at all i just find him attractive. im sure he does too and doesnt like me even though he gets really cheesy and kissy and all that and also gets jealous when i talk to other guys, but hes 12 years older than me and i got what i wanted and dont want to have sex with him anymore cause i dont see the point..its not fullfilling anymore and hes such an obvious player! so i want to stop doing it with him after work on the weekends but how do i break it off? i still want to be friends with him...but i also want him to miss fucking me.. like tease him or something i want him to suffer a little bit lol so how should i go about doing that? i feel guilty for losing my virginity to someone who i dont like or have feelings for..like a piece of meat or something :(
@Sophie.....You're in a friends with benefits arrangement. And that was his goal from the very beginning. Meaning, a guy knows what potential he sees in the woman from the very start. He knew. The fact that he suggested FWB was a red-flag right from the start. That's how he sees you. That's how he saw you from the beginning. Our suggestion: Move on. This is going nowhere. Sorry. You deserve better. You deserve to have someone who loves you and respects you the way you love and respect them. Don't accept less.
A few months ago I started chatting on the internet with a guy i hadn't seen for 20 years. After a few weeks we decided to meet up and started doing so twice a week. I quickly began to develop feelings for him and basically told him so. At the time he was open about the fact that he was still getting over a breakup and was not looking for a relationship but found me attractive and would consider fwb if I was interested in that. I told him I was looking for a serious relationship and would not consider anything less. We continued to hang out, watching movies, eating out and visiting places together. After 2 months of this he told me that he wanted to take things further and we threw ourselves straight into 'a relationship' things were great, I was really happy, he seemed really happy, we met each others friends and families, stayed together a few nights a week plus weekends and just generally had a great time. After 6 weeks he backed off, said he had started thinking about his ex, wasn't ready for a relationship 'at the moment' and didn't think it was fair to continue what we were doing as he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't still feel the same in a few months. He asked if we could be friends and see if anything happens in the future. I was devastated, tried not to show this too much and told him I didn't think I could be his friend. After a few weeks no contact we got together and started hanging out again, then a few weeks later he ended up staying over. I seem to have ended up in a fwb situation although it is precisely what I said I didn't want at the beginning. We haven't discussed any of this since the initial 'break up' we have just been hanging out as we were before, I need to find out if he considers us 'just friends' or more but I'm frightened that he will run again if I bring up the subject. Is there a way I can put this across without it seeming like an ultimatum or is that the only way to find out?
I recently started chatting with a friend from sch
@Elizabeth.....YOu're welcome. Keep us posted and take care.
Thank you guys for your keen insight. I will let him instigate things. And I know I will begin to resent the situation if we continue to have meaningless sex. That would destroy our frindship, and that's no bueno! As for the emotional dragging, I feel it every now and then, but I'm so happy with my life (even if stressed) that it's not driving my emotions. I'm what you would call emotionally mature. Until it's my time of the month that is. My son now knows and just asks, mom, are you on your period? And he pats my arm, smiles and walks away. lol
@Elizabeth.....Our initial reaction is that he's still conflicted. FWB seems to suit his emotional lifestyle well. But once things began to change—yes, he was part of this change—he began to reconsider what he wants. Basically FWB doesn't work. Usually it's the woman who ends up feeling cheap and then resentful, but in this case, he may feel the same way. Why don't you let him initiate this moving forward and then see what happens? But in the meantime cool it with the sex. That's only going to complicate things. See how it progresses without jumping in the sack, almost like you're starting over and beginning to date. It's hard for us to say exactly what he wants, but he's acting like a guy who is unsure. And it might be quite a while before he figures it all out. Are you ready to be dragged through the emotional mud?
So, can I make this brief? We'll see. Ha! I am in my 40’s, was divorced 3 years ago with an 11 year old son. I was married 9 years. The man I’m seeing is in his 40’s, but younger, and was divorced about 8 years ago. He was married 6 years. Was dating and having sex with this man for about 1 1/2 years. Nothing serious. But then we started a company together. The learning curve was very difficult and there were many times he didn't meet my work expectations. Huge strain. At the same time, he also started his own business. We were both swamped with work and the stress. But, we’re both achieving our life’s goal and that’s awesome. He then takes on a girlfriend in another city. Although it hurt a little, it was good because not dating finally gave us a chance to become wonderful friends. He told me the gf is perfect because she is in another town. That way he only has to deal with her every 2 weeks or so. However, that fantasy soon dissolved as she began with her demands, jealousy, then threats, then cruel criticisms. He crumbled and finally they broke up. It was ugly, and he told me everything and was completely vulnerable with me. About a month later, we decided to do friends with benefits and it has suited us both for 5 months. We planned it so that we got together very 2 weeks. Usually he stayed over. But recently, things have begun to change. He asked me to go to a movie, but then that fell through. When I got sick, he brought me flowers. He began doing his laundry at my house and farting in my bed while we laughed. And then we would both wake up around 5am, unable to go back to sleep until we had talked in the dark about things such as cheese making and metalurgy. He then tells me we argue well together (ie no high emotions, name calling etc.) About a month ago, I said we would be fantastic together and he said yes we would, but that he still has reservations about me. And I him. Then 2 weeks ago, we spent an entire weekend together, yet never had sex. Instead we hung out and watched a movie, then cuddled all night. We even went to one of his gigs together (his 3rd job is he's a musician). It was the most wonderful, effortless continuous period of time I have ever sent with him. He agreed that it was wonderful. However, when I saw him Monday morning when he came to drop off his dog, I tried to kiss him and got his cheek. To me, it was a nice way to end the wekend, but I knew something was off. After a small argument later in the day, he explained he was already in work mode, which I get. But then he later told me he thinks I think we're moving toward a relationship. I just told him it was the first time I had completely relaxed with him, that's all. The next day after our kiss argument, he calls and says he’s been thinking all day how to make me happy...how to validate my feelings. So we talked. And finally, for the first time, he listened to some of my reservations and we cleared the air. He also told me he has a deep emotional connection with me and that’s important to him. So, that was 2 weeks ago. We’ve kind of minimized our contact. Then Friday he called to talk, but I told him I was going out with a friend. He seemed put off. The next day he called and we talked. He asked how my evening was. I told him about the guy...that it was my best friend from grad school. He asked if the guy was married and I said yes. His tone of voice relaxed and then he asked if we could go see a movie Sunday (which is today). So we saw the movie, that was it and we parted. However, before leaving he said he wanted to come videotaped me this Saturday while gave a lecture. He’s going to have my son assist him. So...I’m not sure what’s going on or what to do or say. Are we still just friends with benefits, even though we’re not doing the benefits part right now? Any advice? Kind of hard to tell with all the work we’re both trying to do in such a short time. I was thinking of telling him I can’t do anymore meaningless sex and that maybe we should try dating for real, without sex, to see what happens.
@Vicki....Yes. He got what he wanted and now he's off to the next conquest. We're sorry. Move on.
I've been in a friends with benefits relationship for about a month. I hooked up with the guy I'm in this relationship with a week ago, and he's been very distant since. He used to talk to me all the time and he'd usually want to hook up 3-4 times a week. But since we hooked up last week, he hasn't texted me at all and the one time I saw him, he was kind of a jerk. I don't know what changed. Any ideas?
@One of the Guys I think you right, thanks though, I haven't really been able to talk to someone about this. There'll be other guys.=)
@A bit young.........It sounds like you may be in the "friend zone" if he's hitting on other girls, or getting upset that other girls are leading him on. You're going to just have to see how this plays out. He sounds a bit "all over the place." (Like most guys his age.)
@One of the Guys We used to talk faced to face but that was only because we had class together, his friends, now, are always with him, and I feel uncomfortable talking to him with Them there. It's not so much what we say its how we act while talking. Usually he would "bother" me when we are around our friends. Like you're playing around with them, so that's how everyone sees us. When it’s just me and him we are much nicer. You know, people like to tease their friend when that happens (I tell my friends and they do tease me about it) but, I have a problem with feeling like everyone is ganging on me with things like that. But now I have a different problem. Today I found out he had gotten upset a friend because she was “leading him on”. I am so confused now, because he told me that he didn't like her. Then again he flirts with her, and she is always against it. I used to think that he was joking (because he told him at least 2x he didn't like her) but, now I’m not sure. I was going to ask what was going on indirectly (like say, why were you acting weird in school?) to see if he was actually serious about her, or if it was him playing around like I thought.
@A bit young......You're not too young. We get questions from people younger than yourself. We love to text just like everyone else, but we still don't understand why people choose to text rather than talk face-to-face. Is it about comfort? Maybe we're of a different generation and missed it. It still seems a bit immature that he would text you while in the same room but not try to talk with you. Our best guess is that he's into you but doesn't know how to take it to the next level. So tell us. What would that next level actually be if you don't mind us asking? Lunch? Movies? Hang out? Coffee? A walk? Going to a game? What?
I don't know if I can ask questions here too, but I'm 16 turning 17 and I have liked the same guy for a couple of months now. The problem is I'm not sure what he's thinking. I don't speak "boy". We text everyday, and if one of our phones is messed up we talk online. Even durring a class or free period he send me a text (sometimes we're in the same room) Do guys talk to certain girls a lot literally everyday, if they just feel like friends? And why would he feel like sending me a response over text is better than just telling me to my face, if we are in the same room? Oh and this has been going on for around 3-4 months. I've asked another guy and he say thats he's probably in to me but I want another opinion
@Tera........It's hard to say where his head's at. At some point you're going to have to just bring it up. But if you do, do it away from the apartment and bedroom. Talk to him during the day—coffee, lunch, tea, on a walk. Just ask him where he stands on everything. And go from there. Sure, there are no guarantees. And maybe you're not quite ready to do it. But we imagine sooner or later you're going to want to know. You'll know when the time is right. Good luck.
I have this guy friend who im really close with. I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he can do the same with me. We have worked together for the past 2 years but it wasnt until a little over a year ago that we were both out with friends at the bar and actually started talking. We spent the whole weekend together and it was fun, there were no commitments or anything of that nature because I was casually seeing someone else at the time, and I later found out he was dating someone. Even with knowing that about eachother we still continued seeing eachother when it was conveinent. Well as the months went by him and his gf broke up and the guy i had been seeing kept breaking it off and getting back together, was a vicious cycle really. Around the time of my birthday I found out I was pregnant, and my friend was there for me through everything, more so than the father. Well I ended up having a miscarriage and things in my life just seemed to spiral downhill from there but I could still always count on my friend. Lately he has also been going through a lot but hes the 'typical' guy so to say and is not very good at expressing his emotions. We always spend time together, have movie nights just relax and enjoy eachothers company. Things have progressed between us, in the beginning it didnt bother either one of us what the other did or with who but now we both tend to get jealous when it comes to others in the picture. Last night when he spent the night we had some real heart to heart talks, but it wasnt till we were laying in bed that things started to make me think a little bit more. For being a girl i dont like to cuddle, but he held me in his arms all night long and it was really comforting, he was just all around being very romantic. He has made comments before to me that I need to stop bothering with anybody else and be just his, but now I really dont know what to do. I care about him a great deal both as a friend and as more, but im unsure of how to bring it up to him in a conversation...
@Not sure what to do......Well, don't freak out. Things have ramped up a little and now you're going to have to see how they play out. The ball is in his court. Although the two of you are in different states right? That makes things a little more difficult, but certainly not insurmountable at all. Has there been talk of another get together? One more point: Just because he seems like the guy's who's always going to be single doesn't mean he'll always be that guy. If he was ten years older we might be concerned, but guys don't usually hit their stride til their late 20s. That's when they might truly be ready to consider a long-term relationship. Keep us posted and try to be patient. You've already waited a long time, so you can wait a little bit longer. Our best advice: Be yourself. Trust your gut.
Wow you guys really are fast. Umm, I'm not sure how to condense it, because it's all important. Alright Main points. I met best friend seven years ago on an international mission trip. We liked each other a lot, but my other friend new and liked him first so I backed off so she could persue him. We all moved back to the states, he lives two states away from me now. He never liked the friend just me. I never thought he was serious enough to commit to anything, so I dated another man and got engaged for off and on four years. I Maintained best friend status through texting and calling the last seven years. My fiancée got jealous of our relationshiP so I had to back off. Throughout this whole process my best friend traveled the world and never really settled roots down anywhere. He's never had a girlfriend and maintained his virginity until 26 yrs old ( we are both Christian, tried saving ourselves ) the best friend has dropped hints over the last six years that I'm the only one he's ever considered marrying. I broke up with my fiancée. He believed I belonged with my best friend after seeing the way he looks at me in person. In seven years the best friend has driven to see me multiple times. We've never kissed or anythinh though he's tried. For the first time ever things have changed and I'm single too. Weve been flirting mercilessly for months. He was in the car an hit by a drunk driver at a stoPlight and I was on the phone with him, and it was a life changing moment. He was so appreciative that I was with him throughey he whole thing, told me how much I meant to him. He wanted me to take a train to the city and take me ice skating. The point is this past Friday he surprised me and showed up. We met and he basically said he couldn't do anything sexually with me and still be the man he believes himself to be because he loves and respects me, and he couldnt taint what we have by doing anything in a hotel. He wanted it to be special like on the Island where we first met if it happened. He was sad and embarrassed but I told him I was proud. He gave me our First kiss, and we made out and fooled around for like 12 hours. Fell asleep and he randomly woke up and asked me how many kids I wanted. Then basically said he doesn't want to wait too long to start a family. Like the next three years, told me he wants like two boys and a girl. ( this man has never indicated he will ever be ready to settle down so My mind is blown, also that he asked me how many I wanted and when led me to believe he's interested.) we spent the next day together then he visited other people and drove ten hours home, so his messages are sporadic. He did text me this week and thanked me for the wonderful time, he said I was perfect in more ways than one and he'll never forget being in my arms, always and forever. We still text all the time but I feel like things are slightly different. More serious. I would love to be with this man, he's basically me only in male form. I don't want to scare him, but I'm interested from a guys perspective. What should I do. He's suddenly had this change of heart but he's still always been that guy who may never get married. I am the only girl he's talking up FYI if that makes a difference.
@Not sure what to do......Could you please condense this? Important facts, etc.
Alright so, this is going to be long and I apologize but thought maybe I would get a reply quickly. I met my best friend when I was 17 and he was 20, on an international mission trip. He was living there as a missionary and we accidently got locked in a pantry together. He was beautiful, and we hit it off really well. I discovered that my friend that was on the trip with me knew him, and had a serious thing for him, so I decided to back off. For the next couple weeks everytime we ran into each other on the island his eyes would light up, and he'd try to be near me.but Like I said I let him go so my friend could persue him. And we all went back to the states. About six months later he started emailing me, and we eventually exchanged phone numbers. He lives a couple states away, but for six years now we've constantly kept in contact. He's very special to me, he is incredibly sweet and caring, lets call him "kyle." Through our six year friendship we've always mercilessly flirted, and it turned out he never liked my friend. I began dating another man when I was eighteen however. Kyle never approved of him. The man I started dating, I had an off an on again love affair with for four years. All while kyle was texting me in the background. While I dated this other man and started talking marriage. Kyle continued his quest for excitement. He biked across america for charity, he climbed the empire state building and the seats tower for charity, he helped at an orphanage in Mexico. He's a bit of a loner, and has always been one of those guys who never has a girlfriend, hes too busy and non commital. In fact he's never had a girlfriend. A couple years ago when I had just got back together with the other guy he texted me in the middle of the night, and asked if I liked him as more than a friend, I said I had just gotten back with my ex and he responded, "dammit, im always to late with you...im always too late :(." he apologized the next day and embarrassed didn't write me for awhile. A month later we resumed normal talking and he out of nowhere told me he had a dream where we were on the beach and I was walking toward him in a wedding dress, and he was completely happy, which blew his mind, how happy he was about it. (this coming from a man who always maintained he may never get married). Couple months later he was telling me that he loved his exciting life of travel, but that someday it might be nice to see a little boy next to him on a porch swing. We are both Christian. Throughout all this he maintained his virginity. Two years ago I became engaged to the other man and Kyle and I distances ourselves a little, my fiancée thought Kyle was too good looking and said that whenever I received a message from kyle my eyes lit up too much. A few months later we all went to church camp and my fiancé said he saw the way Kyle looked at me and knew we belonged together( he didn't tell me this until later) needless to say things went south pretty quickly with my fiancée. Kyle came to visit me and i assurred my fiancée that we were just friends. Kyle and I went for coffee and then went to the park, we played on the jungle gym and he tried to kiss me, I turned my head because I was engaged and was faithful. He said he understood. A few months later my fiancée and I broke up. Kyle came to visit me again, we hung out with my friends. Then we went back to texting friends for anther year. Kyle traveled the u.s. I became wrapped up in friends, he was always there in the background. But about six months ago, we started bonding even more because my roommate went crazy. He's been very supportive. He started telling me he loves me and that he's so glad we've maintained this friendship over the years. That we really were the two best friends anyone could have. He asked me for pictures, so we'd send cute pictures back and forth and he would tell me how pretty I am. A month or two ago he was talking to me and at a stoplight a drunk driver hit him from behind going 85 mph. His car was totaled but he walked away fine. I was there texting and calling him through the whole process and he later told me how much it meant to him and that I was almost the last person he ever talked to and asked if I knew how special that made me to him. Our texting has increased to pretty much all day every day. He asked for pictures, and tells me how pretty I am. His band got a cd released and he asked me to listen to it. I suggested I come see him for a change and he got really excited. He said he wanted to take me ice skating in the city. I asked when the rink closed, he said tomorrow, I asked if that was a ploy too see me sooner and he said it was haha. Anyway. Things increased pretty quickly. While this was happening, my ex fiancée who is now engaged to someone else showed up at my door. He claims to still love me, and kissed long and hard. He started talking about ending it with the other girl and i just kind of stared. I used to be so in love with him, and he hurt me so bad I didn't know what to do. He's been calling and texting all day everyday. Kyle knows this. He's not a fan. To get to the point. Kyle texted me last week and said "I might get to see you this week!!!!" I asked how and he said he had to drive to Atlanta to pick up his new car and on the way back he could swing through my state and see me. We got really excited all week about the prospect of finally being able to see each other and be together. We got kinda horny in these talks and started saying things we normally wouldn't say. He talked about busting down my door and finally kissing me and my neck. And well things got kind of hot and heavy. The night before he was supposed to come we agreed to meet in a hotel. The weather got bad and he said he wouldn't let me come if it risked my safety but that he was hoping and praying and looking at my pictures. We ended up meeting. First time we had seen each other in two years. Brought my dog, we checked in and went in to the room and talked for an hour. He looked at me and said that i was going to hate him for this, and that he couldn't do it. I asked what he meant. He said that if he did anything with me now it would go against everything he stood for as a man. That there's been so much sexual tension between us for almost seven years now but that he can't do it. Not here and not like this. He told me that I'm beautiful and that he does want me sooo bad but that if it happens he wants it to be perfect and that a couple years down the road if it happens on the beach where we first met on the island that's great, but that he respects me to much for that. Then he got really embarrassed and sad. I told him that what he said was great, it showed he had character and morals and that he was a real man. He thanked me for not being mad and we got on the bed and watched dateline for a couple hours and cuddled. He rolled me over and asked if I was ready after seven years, I said yes and we had our first kiss. The whole scene played out like the pottery love scene in ghost. Heavy petting, lots of kissing, it was like something out of an erotica book, except we did everything but sex. We cuddled, and fell asleep wrapped up in each other. We woke up randomly and he said out of nowhere "how many kids do you want?" I was like, um two or three, why? Do you want kids now?? He said "I think two or three, three would be nice, like two boys and a girl." I said I agreed. I said i would like to get married and travel a couple years before I get married. He agreed, and then said but I don't want to wait too long..like my dad, who waited till he was forty. I think 30 is a good age to start." Kyle is 27 now, this is a big deal because prior he's never mentioned for sure ever wanting marriage or a family, he's only been with two other girl aside from myself sexually. And the whole night he was pretty nervous I could tell based on the things we did do. And he's never had a solid girlfriend though he has a fan club of women who are in love with him. I harass him about it all the time, and he giggles and says yes I do but your the only one I actually talk to. Anyways we made out and rolled around for awhile and I stroked his chest. He thanked me and told me that I was one of those women who have the touch that makes people feel like everything will be alright. I massaged his head and I told him how jealous I was of his exciting life, and he told me that yes he is extremely blessed but that his life does have consequences, like the fact that he doesn't have a family of his own or a specific career, we cuddled and fell asleep. The whole 18hrs we were together his phone went off several times, he gave it to me and never once looked at it or feigned interest at all. I looked at who wrote him, all male friends. No girls. When we left he told me that he had a great time and that he would never be weird around me. He texted me on my drive home, asking me to be safe. He was going to visit his sister in law and his best friend so I knew his texting would be sporadic. It was. Sunday was the same way as he had to drive 10 hrs home. Monday he worked all day, but I felt like we didn't text as much. Yesterday we texted but it wasn't anything dirty or funny anymore, it was more what are you doing? Are you safe? How's the weather there? Last night he sent me a message and told me that Friday I was perfect in more ways than one, and that he had never done that with anyone before and that he kind of loved it. He thanked me again and told me that I made him feel so good. He told me how pretty I am, and asked what I was going today. He says he'a going to knit me a hat. Point is, I don't know if I'm paranoid, but the messages have changed, he's not being dirty or super funny, they're just different. We are still talking a lot, but I don't know what to think. I don't know what to think about his kids comment, or the idea that he's considering settling down which I never thought he would do. The man would be the perfect man for me if he settled. What should I do? He's new to the idea of commitment and marriage, I don't want to scare him. But we used to talk so much I dont want to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm psycho in love either. Is he not into me anymore because he hasn't texted quite as much, and doesnt incessantly ask me for pics? And yes I realize he was working and driving and visiting other people. It's just that he's my best friend and I think i would love it if we were together because we are basically the same person. But I don't know where boundary lines are anymore, or if I should persue or back off. Help please, and thanks for reading if you did.
Hey Guys, I sent in a question but I'm kinda dying here so I thought maybe you would get to a comment quicker. This is a fairly long story and I tend to ramble so stay with me because its all important lol. I've changed all the names just because I'm usually a very private person and it feels weird to put it all up on the web. I've been good friends with this guy for three years, lets call him Ty. Ty and I met him my jr year of high school (boarding school) and by senior year we were best friends. We did everything together and we lived in the same dorm so we probably spent at least 16 hours a day together. In the morning whoever woke up first would call the other and 30 minutes later we were dressed and off to breakfast. From that point on we spent the rest of the day together, through lunch and dinner all the way until 11pm where we were restricted to our rooms....at which point we called each other and stayed on the phone until we fell asleep. We talked about everything under the sun. He was the first person I could open up to about my parents. I've never known my father and my mother and I have a relationship that has been horrible mentally and in the past physically. He made me feel protected and safe, and opened my eyes in a way that a lot of things in my life were not normal and that I shouldn't have had to go through them. I've never felt hopeless or alone but eventually I realized I depended on him and where I had been so independent before I was coming to rely on him more and more. Then our relationship started to get complicated...very quickly. We had multiple sleepovers that at first were entirely innocent and then progressed to feeling each other up...although nothing ever really happened between us there was a VERY strong sexual attraction. After some time he started to crush on a girl at school and I actually helped him gather the courage to ask her out and plan what he was going to say. I wasn't jealous at all and really didn't think much of it. She said yes and he ended up telling her of our "sleepovers" and from that instant she hated my guts I'm sure. We limited our time together and obviously stopped sleeping over but we still made time to hang out after school. When we did we were very comfortable around each other and his gf didn't like it at all. She never came to speak to me about it but she would tell him. After a while we stopped hanging out entirely and stopped calling one another. It was hard for me to not be able to speak with him as we told each other everything but I understood his gf and so I let it be. He didn't like the arrangement either but I wouldn't find that out yet. Toward the end of the year his gf started to lighten up and we were able to see each other again every so often. One night we had to stay up late in the lobby for a project and we ended up talking about the whole situation and how much we had missed hanging out together. I got pretty tired and somewhere around 4 am finished my work. I lay down on the couch facing the back and closed my eyes for a bit waiting for him to finish. He did and lay down next to me...ordinarily this wouldn't have been a big deal since we had cuddled before, but the sexual attraction was very strong after not really being together for months. He had to spoon me to stay on the couch and after hearing something fall we both jumped apart. Although nothing actually happened we both felt horrible as if we had cheated and he resolved to tell his gf. She broke up with him the next day and basically shunned the two of us even until today. A few weeks later we went on tour with our school and he started to avoid me and limit his time with me. It hurt because I felt we were going through this together but he wouldn't speak to me about it. When we got back to school after break I pulled him aside to tell him how much it hurt me and he told me that he was sorry and that he had actually even thought of ending our friendship entirely...but that now he couldn't do that because he really liked being best friends. It shocked me that he even thought of ending our friendship and I got really mad, but eventually moved on and after a month or so we were back to our original friendship spending fun happy time together. I thought everything was going well but the sexual attraction once again got in the way. We ended up being FWB (I know....horrible decision) but it actually worked. We communicated about everything and regularly checked in to see how we felt. Just before the end of the year we are talking on the phone and he tells me that I was the only one of his friends that he had ever wanted to "say a certain three words to." He wouldn't say them but he did tell me he liked me. I was speechless as I didn't know how to respond. I had liked him my first year before any of this but had closed those emotions off a long time ago and wasn't sure if I still could feel that way for him. He didn't let me say anything though and told me he didn't want a relationship and that he really should just go to sleep. He would see me the next day. The next day we talked but not a lot and he seemed down but wouldn't talk about it. The day after that he told me that he was over it and didn't want anything about our relationship to change. When I tried to get more information he just insisted that he was okay. After proceeding with caution we ended the year as best friends. Over the summer we still talked daily or at least every two days for several hours. We sexted here and there but since we were far away we decided to talk about our "relationship" again in the fall when we would both be in the same city. In the fall I flew up for his birthday and we spent a good week together laughing and catching up and yes...having a lot of sex. I realized however that over the summer and really ever since the day he told me he had feelings for me, I had begun to like him again...and even to love him. Our last night/day together we went to the movies and dinner...it was by candlelight and I was really uncomfortable (for the first time ever around him). I insisted on paying so that I could snap myself out of the dream that it was a date. Later that night we were talking and I asked him if he wanted me to like him...after plenty of hesitation, he said yes. He told me that after he had told me he liked me that night, he had trained himself not to since we were FWB and not dating. That he had shut off those emotions and that now he had felt it again. I told him how I had been feeling (since we had promised we would tell each other immediately) and that night was probably the happiest I've ever been/ Then I left the city for the year....we both knew it would happen but didn't really have time to discuss it. For twoish months afterward I tried to get information about where we stood in our relationship but he never gave anything definitive. Since the time we had become FWB we were exclusive (without really saying it, even though we both had multiple opportunities)....6 months. I finally got fed up and asked him to tell me the truth and not hurt me like this. I had always been more considerate and mature in the relationship but he had always told me he cared about me a lot and I believed him. We had said we would always get through the tough situations together. He didn't take it very well though and got really mad. He told me that the whole thing was a lie and that he was just using me. I wasn't sure if I should believe him because it sounded like he was just upset and trying to get the conversation to end. Then he got madder that I wouldn't believe he was that big of an asshole and after yelling a lot hung up. He texted me that our friendship, the whole thing was over. I called but no answer. Then I just cried. all night. We didn't speak at all for months. I couldn't sleep or eat at all the first 3 weeks. after the first month I started to eat one big meal a day and the crying became more sporadic but I was still a mess. month two rolls by and I end up seeing an old friend of ours from HS and he takes me out and shows me around and was really sweet. I decided to text Ty to say Merry Christmas and he responds with the same and asks how I am. We small talk for a bit before I cut to the chase and tell him that I'm not sure if he wants to be friends again....if he does I'm relieved but need time to myself. He tells me to take as long as I need. A few weeks later we talk on the phone and I ask him straight out if he wants to be friends or what is going on....he tells me that he thinks he does want to talk again, when I'm ready and in person. I told him it wouldn't be until the end of the year at least...and probably the end of the summer. The second month I had decided to contact my dad and will be meeting with him over the summer to find out what happened so long ago. I tried to focus on myself as much as I could and just put one step in front of the other. I'm relieved he is talking to me again but I'm scared of going back into that friendship again. One last important pice of information. The friend I met up again with after about 5ish dates we slept together...both of us knew it was for fun and I know he is a stand up guy. I also know that they are friends and while they aren't super close I hesitated because I didn't want to be mean to Ty and I didn't want to use his friend. After much deliberation in my head I decided to do it because 1) I knew I wasn't doing it to hurt Ty, I was doing it because I genuinely wanted to and 2) I had spent a lot of time putting Ty's feelings before mine, this time I wanted to put myself first. I'm still not sure if it was 100% the right decision as I know it will bother Ty but I'm glad I did it...it proved to myself that I can move on eventually if I want to. Now my question is....where do I go from here? What is it that Ty wants from me? What is he expecting? Should I even try to take him back? I know only time will tell but I want to know your guys' thoughts on the whole situation. Please be honest. That is my biggest thing about guy & my friends...I want them to be radically honest about everything!! Tell me what you think of him, me, and what you see as possible outcomes. Is this friendship salvageable? ....because more than anything I had always valued his friendship and I still care for him immensely. Thanks for reading this all (believe me this is the condensed version!!) & for your time to provide a response :) Coco
@Katie.....You move on. He wants sex from you and this is only going to get more confusing and frustrating. We don't see this changing.
So I started dating this guy in April of 2012. To start he is 19 years older than me thats not the issue. We dated for three months and he was totally into me. Then we had sex and he was still into me. After a month of sex and dating he told me that he didn't want anything serious with me becuase of the age difference and I was okay with it at the time because the sex was FANTASTIC and I had just gotten out of a four year relationship. Then he started getting romantic. We planned a vacation he texted/hung out with me all of the time. Finally after eight months I asked him what was going on because he was sending me mixed signals. I can handle sex but when he threw in the romance it confused the hell out of me. He said we were just friends and then I said we had to end the sex. He said okay and then he continued to flirt with me and try to get in my pants, but he was still being romantic. We went on vacation together because we planned it months before. Well we had sex and then I cut him off after vacation explaining we could no longer be friends because we're going to keep having sex and he doesn't want a relationship and I did now. He said nothing I walked out. A week later he texts me asking me to the movie. I'm so confused, What do I do? He was my best friend and I hate to lose him but I don't trust myself or him when we are alone.
@Marie......Okay, good luck. Keep us posted.
@ one of the guys, Thanks guys! Well when I met him it was four months away now it's a month away. Maybe you guys are right. it wasn't until after I mentioned Australia that he got weird. I think I will talk to him. Things have gotten even more confusing. when we were at my family's party, everyone (not of my family) thought we were married. He wouldn't let go of me when we were cuddling, and I was talking about rings and joking about how dorky my kids would be and he asked if I was hinting at something when I never mentioned him being involved.He begged me over the next night to stay with him and I said no, then the next night I did stay over. he cuddled and we made love and he kept entwining our hands. I think I want to confront him about it. And indeed I shall share your site!
@Erryn........Well we couldn't be happier for you! Thanks for sharing all of your news, but especially your good news. Have fun and keep us posted. Take care! ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks.
Hi guys!:-) I'm back with an update! Well, my guy of 9 months was my Mr. Wrong! I knew someone else was in the picture and I set out to find out who. After a small amount of research, I discovered that he and his second ex-wife had indeed reunited and had been rekindling their love flame. A few weeks later, I discovered that they decided to remarry. He never felt the need to tell me. So, I wrote him and let him have it as polite as possible. i received no response. She has since moved to the same state as him/us n they're 'happily' married.-_- On to my good news! A few days after I ended things my way, I met someone else. He is like my own slice of heaven on Earth. He is everything the last guy was not. I don't wonder wht he's doing when I'm not around! He is all around awesome aaand 6 yrs older. Never dated anyone that much older than me. But fyi, we're still taking things slow. I have NEVER been happier!:-) He makes my heart skip a beat and I still get butterflies just from talking to him on the phone or when we're meeting up. I'm falling hard. But, that's all I wanted to tell you guys! Hope to hear from you soon!:-)
@Dana08.....Why don't you ask him what he wants rather than telling him what you want. At least don't tell him right away. He'll know how you feel just by the fact that you're asking the question. "Hey, so and so, what are we doing here? What is it that you're looking for?" Then based on what he says respond with: "So is that something you'd like to try with me?" (A relationship we mean.) We'll be honest. The fact that he hasn't already tried to take this to the next level isn't the greatest sign. Guys usually know the potential they see with a woman right away. But we still say it's worth inquiring. That way you won't have any regrets. But be prepared for any number of responses. Sorry, we wish we could give you a more definitive answer. Keep us posted and good luck.
@Cali.....We don't think you're way off-base but we can only go by what you share. And that's subjective of course. Stick with your plan and just see how it goes. Once you go out you'll have much more info to go on. Feel free to come back and ask another question anytime. And if he doesn't want to go out, well, then you'll have that information to go on as well. Good luck.
Thanks, Guys. I think you hit the nail on the head, and I really needed to hear it. I don't want to be hooking up with someone who's hooking up with other people, and I do want progression towards...well, commitment. That's weird to write. Do you have any advice for how to bring this up/what to say? Can I text (most of our communication is texted)? Should I call? I'm thinking about saying something along the lines of..."Hey, I really like you - I think you're great. I just don't really feel like we're on the same page, so what we're doing isn't fun for me anymore." ... I feel like that could blindside him, and I'm not trying to hit him over the head with a super dramatic text... But what I want to communicate is that I think he's a great guy, no hard feelings if he's not trying to be with one person - this, the booty call situation (grimace), just isn't what I want. Ugh this is hard. The chance that I'm going to be walking away here is pretty high, isn't it... Thank y'all again - I really really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. It means a lot, and it really helps.
@Dana08.......You're in a Booty Call situation. He's in it for the sex and the fun, but not much more. Unless of course he's pressed into making a choice. (Choice: He can either be in a committed relationship with you, or move on. We're not sure what he'd choose at this point, but you won't know unless the conversation is brought to the table.) Let's take New Year's for example. That's a pretty big date night, and it's certainly a night you'd want to spend with your girlfriend—if you want her to stay your girlfriend that is. He didn't even inquire with you at all. That tells us he sees this as a totally fun and casual hookup situation. And even though you might say you don't want anything serious, it's clear to us, that you probably do. (That's okay and understandable.) But this situation isn't going to end well if you don't start talking about what's going on. (Yes, we know that's difficult.) We're not sure how being in the restaurant business impacts this situation but from what we do know, it's a very social environment, which sometimes lends itself to hooking up with a variety of people. And we know you don't really want to be sleeping with a guy who's hooking up with a bunch of other people do you? Our suggestion: Talk to him. We're not guaranteeing things will work out, but at least you'll know where you stand. Otherwise this will go on until you end up. He's in a great situation. He gets to spend time with you, have sex with you, and still do whatever he wants to do. Most guys would love to be in a situation like that. What do you think? Good luck.
Hi guys! Thank you so much for the response! There is a concert coming up I really wanted to go to but none of my friends like the band enough to pay for tickets. I know he is really into this type of music so I'm gonna ask and see if he would like to go with me... Seems innocent enough :) Based on my explanation though, do you think that I am totally off base in assuming he could want more? I think if I knew that he was completely disinterested it would make it a lot easier because then I would only think of him as a sex friend. Since he asked me out that one time and we have become more comfortable with each other and shared personal details, and started texting about other things than just sex, the lines have become blurred for me. It's strange in that since we weren't friends first it was purely about the sex and now is slowly turning into a friendship or whatever it is.
Hi Guys, This past summer, I met a friend of a friend at his restaurant. We exchanged numbers, he texted and was really up front about what he wanted (me). I was flattered and his straight-forwardness was refreshing. We texted for a week or so, but then I began to get the impression that what I initially viewed as being unapologetically honest was actually just kind of his "game." I lost interest and stopped texting him. My friends mentioned several times that he asked about me when they saw him. A month later, he wrote on my Facebook wall for my birthday and texted me to congratulate me for finishing a race - I responded and we started texting again. A couple of days later, I was at a party and the group I was with ended up at his restaurant. I was a little bit drunk and feeling spontaneous - we ended up going home together. It was really fun, he insisted I stay over and he texted me the morning after to say that he wanted to see me again. We hooked up several times over the next couple of weeks - and then a bit less often (once every couple of weeks) - this has continued for five months. Now that I'm writing it, it seems like it's been going on a really long time! He texts me most days - he almost always initiates. I admittedly play it pretty cool with him... He's really charming, hilarious and smart - the sex is great. When it started, I felt comfortable that I knew what I was getting myself into. I expected that I wasn't the only girl he was hooking up with, and I was ok with it. I remember thinking, "Yeah, I can do this - I like spending time with him, this is fun and it's casual." I thought it would be a summer thing. I'm a pretty down-to-earth girl - I don't like confrontation, and I've ended up being friends with most of the guys I've dated/hooked up with. I like to keep things light and stress-free. After our first couple of hook-ups, a mutual friend told me that he's also not one for the dramatic situation - that the hook-up either continues, or fades out. I was relieved to hear that, but then at the end of the summer it didn't fade out. Being in the restaurant business, he works really late hours. Still, he's only come to my place once - I always go to him. Whenever I'm there, we talk and then we spend sometime 'not-talking' and then we usually talk some more. I don't even question whether he wants me to stay over - he always wants me to. When I'm there, he's incredibly affectionate. He kisses the back of my head, holds my hand and wants to hold me while we're sleeping. Friends have told me that I'm smarter than most of the girls he usually goes for (wasn't sure how to take that at first), and we have a very similar sense of humor - he always tells/texts me that he loves that I can match him (jokes-wise). That being said, we don't hang out socially - we did a couple of times, and his friends really liked me - but usually it's just one-on-one. He does some other things that throw me a bit...he'll text me "I miss you" and "When do I get to see you?" but then doesn't make plans to hang out...he'll give me flack about not inviting him to a fundraiser I hosted, but then he doesn't check in to see what I'm doing for NYE...he offers to come when I was in the hospital...Those are just a couple of things that kind of confused me recently. It doesn't help that we've never really established what page we're on - I'm not interested in a super serious thing, but I'm not sleeping with other people. I think it's possible he is? I'm starting to get worried that casual has turned into me being convenient and I'm not sure what to do. I guess the reason why I'm writing is that I'm not sure what's going on, and I would really appreciate your input. I'm just feeling like I'm getting a bunch mixed messages. This isn't exactly casual, but it's certainly not commitment. Anyway, I do like him and I think he's a good guy - I don't know. I'm worried that if we keep doing this I might get my feelings hurt. I'm just really bad at bringing up/talking about things with guys (this is where the being maybe-overly-chill girl doesn't do me any favors). Help?
@Cali......So instead of having a big conversation with him why don't you invite him out on a date. Something you plan. Something fun, like dinner and going out to hear a band or a play, or a show. Since you seem to be the one initiating anyway, this doesn't seem like much of a leap. And who knows, once you're out on this date, the questions from him may arise: What are we doing? Is this a date? I thought you said you didn't want to date? Do you now? Etc. You need to put things in motion, and it's likely that once you do, other doors will open....or close. It's also likely he's following your lead since you seem to be the one running the show. What do you think?
Hi Guys, A few months ago I met a guy at a bar and we started hooking up. Since I had JUST gotten out of a serious three year relationship I told him right away that I was not looking for anything serious, and that this would be just a purely sexual relationship. Looking back on it now, he never really said "Oh good I don't want a girlfriend" or anything like that. Anyways, over the past three months and after (almost) bi-weekly sex sessions I am starting to realize that I actually like this guy. I am still not interested in jumping into a serious commitment but we both get along so well that it seems silly not to be dating if he also has the same feelings towards me. Also, his personality is really awesome and I can never seem to find other guys that are as outgoing and entertaining as he is. My only issue is that I don't want to a) seem like a hypocrite by trying to initiate something or b) seem like that insane girl that can't keep her emotions in check. I am not sure how he feels about me and I certainly don't want to broach the question of taking this further than casual sex if he doesn't have the same feelings towards me. Although we are still strictly FWB and never meet up unless it is for the purpose of sex (usually initiated by me!), there are a few signals I am getting that he may feel the same way I do: - He will hold my hand during and after sex when we're just lying there chatting - He tells me I am beautiful and sometimes like.. kisses me softly on the face - I am fairly certain he is not sleeping with anyone else... - He invited me to this like fancy party thing he and his friends were going to as his date. When I said I didn't want to go because that would classify as a date he persuaded me to come saying that it would be fun etc. etc. - We kiss deeply and passionately during sex and he always wants me to look him in the eyes - In between and after sex he always initiates the cuddling and will stay for hours just chatting in between sex. - He tells me his sex drive is way less than mine but still comes over whenever I ask him to However despite these signs, he mostly plays it very cool (very little text initiation, no other invites to outside the bedroom events, never spending the night etc.) My question is how can I decipher his feelings without totally weirding him out. Is there an indirect way I could ask him without it being so obvious? Or maybe a way that I could indicate that I'm ready to slowly get back into the dating game? How can I even know if his feelings are the same as mine? While I am developing feelings for him, I am not like madly in love with him or anything. I just really find him to be a fun, kind person and wish that we could do more stuff besides just sex.
@Marie....When are you leaving for Australia? Is it possible he's not sure how you feel so he's not revealing how he feels. It just seems both of you are protecting yourselves, and thus, both of you are confused. At some point, someone needs to take a risk. What do you think? ps.Thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends. We appreciate it! Take a moment to help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.
I am sure you guys have been asked this many time but here it goes (forgive me). My friend and I started out "dating" we went out, he bought the drinks, he shaved and dressed nicely. I then told him I was going to be in Australia for a year so I didn't want to hurt anybody by getting into something and then leaving so soon into it (after he had asked where I thought we were heading after two fairly innocent make out sessions). He agreed and said he wanted to know someone for at least six month before considering a date. He also stated he tends to lock himself away. I can tell by the things he says and his body language he's extremely insecure. He sleeps on his stomach, his shoulders tend to be hunch and hands in pockets. He gets awkward very easily. Well one night I was hanging out with him and his roommate and well one thing lead to another and the next thing I know I wake up cuddling with him. we didn't do anything for a while and then we just couldn't stop. When we are not intimate he over compensates when people put us together. Someone commented innocently, "Yeah, and then his girlfriend, Marie showed up and we started playing DnD." and he automatically shut down the accusation. and our friend had explain he meant it completely platonic. He'll call me buddy and "one of the guys" yet, he called me over just to cuddle with me. No sex. even when I tired to start it. He made me dinner, he's going to my family's New year eve party and he wanted me to belay him (if none of you rock climb, he's basically putting his life in my hand). He also gave me one of his shirts to keep, when I wore it gave me a nod of approval. When we are intimate he says things that I feel like shouldn't be said. No "I love yous" but still. He always apologizes for becoming friends with benefits. then will tell me how guilty he feels we're not in an relationship. I am so very confused. People keep telling me, he must want something else, he's acting too intimate outside of the bedroom. and these are my guy friends telling me this.
@Angie.....This makes sense. Thanks for the explanation. But here's something to consider. There are guys out there that will not only treat you well, but with whom you'll also have a strong connection with, physically and emotionally. However, it's hard to be open to these guys if you're in a holding pattern. And the situation you're in is going to keep you in one place, even if you think it isn't. It's just the nature of these things. Don't settle. You deserve to have someone in your life who loves and respects you the way you do them. And you will. If you're having a hard time meeting good guys, maybe try to meet them in different places than you are currently. What do you think? Take care.
Dear guys, thanks a lot, you are great! I feel way better now and think I don't have to be concerned. To answer your question, well, I sometimes wonder myself why I am spending time with him ;-) Referring to your post "Good sex vs. Bad Sex vs. No Sex", I guess it is because I prefer bad sex to no sex and bad sex to having great sex with guys who afterwards treat me like trash. I had a couple of bad experiences lately with guys who pretended to be interested in a relationship, telling me how awesome and unique I am to them, and then, after having sex with me, droped me after some weeks to "have fun with other girls"/"not ready for a relationship"... So I appreciated my friend WB's honesty, saying right at the beginning that he's just interested in sex, because I therefore knew what it's all about and that he couldn't hurt me. From all the guys I've been with during the past year, he's actually the only one who always treats me with respect and cares about me even after having had sex with me (he always sends me a text the day after and calls to ask what's going on in my life even when he doesn't want to meet for sex). He never lied to me just to get me to have sex with him and he is not gonna break my heart. So I like spending time with him because it's uncomplicated and safe for my feelings.
@Angie......You're welcome. We missed that one, although being insecure and being arrogant sometimes "look" the same oddly enough. (Being non-committal) With this new information, we'd say let him initiate and don't say anything. And you're right. If he really wanted a relationship with you he'd be pushing harder to make that happen. Instead he's being territorial but not in the way we initially stated. He feels entitled, since he's bragging about being with many different women. So we have a question for you Angie: You say he's full of himself, he's materialistic and not that good in bed. (Many arrogant guys aren't) So why are you spending time with him? That's a bit confusing to us. Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. We appreciate it!
Dear guys, thank you so much for taking the time to promptly answer me. Although I do, of course, like the thought of him considering me out of his league from the start ;-) , I don't think that's the case because he is bragging all the time with how many girls he has had, how much they loved being with him and were running after him (one of the reasons why I don't consider him "boyfriend material"), with his cars, his condos, his intelligence, his body... He seems to have a very high opinion of himself (and I don't like that, I'm actually quite annoyed by his bragging...) But anyhow, would you recommend me talking to him or doing nothing? It somehow bothers me not knowing what's going on, but on the other hand I guess if he actually wanted to get more serious, he would raise the issue himself, wouldn't he? So as long as he doesn't say anything, I should be fine? I would be really glad if you could answer me one more time, thanks a lot!
@Angie.....Well, every once in a while things get reversed. (It's usually the woman who gets attached, not the guy. However, this could be one of those times where the guy falls for the girl.) There could be a few things going on. 1. If he senses that you're not that into it, he could be feeling territorial. This doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship, it means his guy instincts are taking over and he's trying to protect what he has. 2. The other possibility is: Let's say he was more into you at the beginning than he let on. Or let's say, he considered you out of his league from the start. (We're just getting that sense for some reason.) But as this FWB continues maybe he's now feeling more confident and is thinking that it's possible he could have a relationship with you. So now he starts acting funny because he's not sure how you feel and he's trying to figure that out. (Of course we can only go by what you're telling us.) As per the sex: Don't assume he doesn't think it's good. Read this post for more information. "Good sex vs. Bad Sex vs. No Sex" What do you think? Questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Hi guys, I would appreciate your opinion to my situation. I've had this "friends with benefits"-thing going on for almost 3 months now. The guy is about my age (30). When we started hooking up, he was very clear in telling me that he was not interested in a relationship, which was fine for me because I was still in love with someone else. For a few weeks it was the perfect hookup. He usually called late at night and we met to have sex, so nothing to mistake for a relationship. He always wants to cuddle after sex and asks me to sleep over, but I don't think this means he's interested in more than just hooking up. As for my part, the hookup was never exclusive and I don't think it was for him either because we only met about every 2 weeks. However I feel like something has changed about a month ago. He started sending me messages that he misses me, started calling me "sweetie" and lately he asked me in the afternoon (not late at night) if I want to come to his place to spend some time together. I went over and we had a good time playing video-games and talking. He opened up like he never did before and told me some very personal things. He said again that he had missed me and, when I didn't answer, asked if I had missed him too. Later that evening, in another context, I said that we are not in a relationship and he somehow seemed to be offended and answered that we must be in a relationship because I brought him food. I know he said it as a joke but still I am confused because he could just have said nothing and it doesn't look like him to even mention the word "relationship". I am very comfortable with our FWB arrangement and I'm not sure I would be interested in having a relationship with him. I've never seen him as "boyfriend material". Do you guys think the way he acts since recently means he's starting to have feelings and considering getting serious? To add, I did already meet some of his friends (not sure though if they know about us or think we're just friends because I've asked him to keep it confidential) and he always asks me to join him when he's going out with them. Moreover, to be honest, the sex is not that great so that I am sometimes surprised he still wants to keep hooking up. Do I have to be concerned or is it normal that FWB-relationships change after a while without necessarily ending up in someone falling in love? Thanks a lot for your comments!
[...] now, it’s a Friends with Benefits kind of thing with some romantic gestures. He always gets or makes my favorite drink. He holds my [...]
[...] problem is, I have this really, really awesome “Friends with Benefits” going. We’ve been in this arrangement for a little over than three months now and the sex [...]
[...] Benefits” to something more serious. Have you watched our Video on the topic? Check it out: “Friend with Benefits” From our perspective, it doesn’t seem like this arrangement is going to be anything other [...]
[...] or extract yourself from your arrangement. (You might want to watch our video on the topic of “Friends with Benefits.” ) Typically, these types of arrangements don’t transition into anything more [...]
@Sunshine86.....Yes, it might be best to walk away from this. We don't see it transitioning into anything more since he's been honest about not wanting a relationship. It's hard to read his mind, but we have two thoughts on the topic. 1. He doesn't want to risk getting involved with you because he feels you've already endured a lot with your husband's passing and doesn't want to add to your pain. Also, he might feel you come with more "baggage" than he's ready to deal with. (Child, widow) In general, he seems kind of young for his age based on some of the things you've mentioned. 2. He's not confident enough or mature enough to handle a committed relationship. Your thoughts?
oh, he did say that nothing like this happens for him, and he thinks its so f'ing hot to have a girl wanting him. He's so hard to read, and I don't even know what I want you to tell me, as it seems I pretty much know I need to walk away. It does help to write it out though, and get some honest feed back even if it isn't what I want to hear.
Ok, he is the same age, 36, no kids, but his whole business is working with kids, and he is awesome. I was the one that suggested a FWB situation, and he agreed. I think at one point, during a "session" he commented something about not getting to addicted to his junk so to speak, and I was like "why would you say that now, we already made that clear- you don't get addicted". Then he said "I just don't want to hurt you". To which I replied, "ah, you can't hurt someone who isn't willing to cross that bridge", (which is what I really believed at the time), and he stated "good, then we're in the same boat". He is a really good guy, and I don't believe he is ready for a relationship. I'm not mad, and understand that he just isn't at that point. I just know that this thing we r doing opened something in me that is 1.still scared about letting someone get close to me, yet 2. not scared enough to realize that a FWB deal isn't what I want. Could it be because I initiated this deal, that he creates the distance? I'm really comfortable around him, and am not worried about it being "weird" with my son's lessons, and with his personality it doesn't seem like he would be worried about it either. I don't have the balls to tell him how I feel,cuz I don't want to be rejected. I think he was honest about not wanting one, so I just need to get him out of my head... ugggh :(
@Sunshine86....This might be a little bit of both. You have feelings for him AND you want something you can't have. We know you're wondering why he isn't more into you. Could it be as simple as it's strange to be sleeping with his student's mom? (For a lot of guys that might be a bit strange.) And how old is this guy? Is he younger than you? Does he have kids? If he's a young, single guy, he probably got freaked out and instead of dealing with it maturely he decided he needed to blow you off to create some distance. Have you watched our video on Friends with Benefits? You might also want to check it out. On our Video Advice page. Fill us in a little more and will offer some more insight if we can.
Ok, need some honest advice. My husband passed away 6 years ago, and I have dated two men since. Both guys I think I picked because I knew it would never work out, they were quite a bit younger. For the last couple years I have just stayed away from men, I just wasn't ready and was only wanting to work on me. Well, I developed a crush on my son's music teacher. I see him weekly, and have some mutual friends. We started dirty texting like over a year ago here and there. I still didn't want a relationship, but seriously hadn't had sex in 2 years... I wanted :) As of recent, we agreed on a FWB relatonship. He was hurt a while ago, and said he sucks at relationships and just can't right now. I completely agreed. Now, we have only hooked up a few times, with at least a week or so in between "sessions". After the last time, I ran into him two days later at a bar, and felt a distinct brushoff. I had text him a lil dirty mess, and didn't hear from him at all that night. I was pissed. Then I realized, what is up with me. I'm not sure why I'm so upset. Do I really have feelings for him? Do I just want something I can't have? I am an attractive woman, and I'm not being stuck on myself- this is a hard thing to say without coming across as arrogant, but he used to be heavy and lost a lot of weight. He still is a bit husky, and not my usual type, but something about him just drives me. This sounds so bad, but I keep questioning how he could not want me. We laugh etc.. I'm so confused. I'm not even sure I'd want a relationship, but I am sure I definitively am ready to move on from a fwb situation- am I crazy? Does anyone have a clue what I'm going through? ugggh. I feel keep thinking about him, and it sucks. Need help on how to walk away ASAP-
@Southernbell.......Okay, that makes sense. But could you maybe just tell him you have something important to talk to him about rather than say exactly what it is on Facebook? Of course it's your call.
The only reason I said FB message him cuz ill know when he sees it & it will give him the chance to comprehend what's going on & not throw it at him & put him on the spot were he feels trapped & not knowing what to say or do at that particular moment. It gives him a chance to think & get his head straight b4 he hits me back.
He actually is responsible & has a great job. I think he actually does think he's sterile cuz he has slipped up in the past w other girls & nothing came about it so I call that luck but he's only 26 w no kids so I do actually think he thinks that. I should have been more responsible in that situation cuz I already have 2 & know I'm fertile. Idk how to tell him or even what to say. Like I said he lives out of town so I don't know when I will see him next & I've never called him nor has he ever called me & I'm so shy & nervous not that he's mean or anything he's really nice guy I'm just that shy especially w personal stuff when I don't really know him know him. If that makes any sense. He did tell me he loved kids & did want kids one day when he found the right person but that he honestly believes that want happen cuz he thinks he's sterile from being I believe now just absolutely lucky cuz I'm pregnant from him. I hope this makes since.
@Southernbell......Why wouldn't you tell him? Are you afraid he'll freak out? Well, he probably will, but he still has a right to know about your pregnancy. Although, honestly, we're not sure how much help he's going to be. He sounds like a player. What kind of guy tells a woman he thinks he's sterile so he doesn't have to use a condom? Not the responsible kind of guy, or the kind of guy that takes his responsibilities seriously. The best way to tell him is face-to-face. Next best, by phone. Texting him or sending him a message via Facebook doesn't seem appropriate for the seriousness of your situation. What do you think?
I have been hanging out w a guy since sept of this yr. we never discussed a relationship of fwb but we have had sex 5x's which was unprotected cuz he told me he thought he was sterile. Well he's not cuz I just found out I'm pregnant. He lives out of town & we have never talked on the phone but we do txt & FB message sometimes. Really only when we hang out. How the hell do I tell him? Should I FB message him so I know he gets it or what? I'm to shy to call him or tell him face-to-face cuz this is a big deal & I'm freakin' out & don't know what to do. I already have 2 kids & it's hard being a single parent raising them. I can't handle 3 by myself I just can't do it all alone. What do I do tell him cuz he has a right to know & go from there or not tell him & not have the baby cuz I can't do it alone.
[...] understand that hooking up casually, and Friends with Benefits have become more prevalent these days. However, we consider these to be arrangements that benefit [...]
@K87.....Let him take the lead here. It's too soon to inquire about the relationship. You've only hung out with him 3 times. You've got to give this more time. A few suggestions. Stop just hanging out at his place or yours. We know you're young and probably don't have a lot of extra money, but the two of you need to go out on some dates. Try to get to know each other outside of the apartment. When we get questions from people who are in the working world we always ask them: Is your guy taking you out on dates? That's one way to gauge his interest. (It doesn't quite apply here, but there are a lot of cool things to do that are free in college.) (Are you in college?) Proceed with caution with the physical aspect of your relationship. It's a catch-22. A guy usually wants to have sex with the woman before he commits. He wants to see how he feels AFTER the deed is done. However, once he has sex and thinks he's going to get it regularly with no-strings-attached, he's less inclined to get into a serious relationship. But if you try to define the relationship BEFORE sex you may not get an accurate answer. If you try to define it AFTER it may be too late. Do you see the issue? So "the talk" needs to kind of happen around the same time if that's even possible. Hopefully, this won't be an issue. Hopefully he'll initiate these conversations. The thing is, guys will do or say almost anything before sex, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth. That doesn't mean they're lying, they aren't. But they're speaking while their bodies are spilling over with hormones. Guys will always be more excited and affectionate before sex. After is where the real truth lies. Okay, this was confusing wasn't it? Your thoughts? ps. Please do us a favor and let all of your friends know about our site. Thanks. We appreciate it. Share on Facebook and/or Twitter.
I really like this guy. We've just started hanging out this past week or so outside of class. At first, he really pushed sex and was a little annoyed I wouldn't sleep with him. The next day, we met to do homework and he asked if I was still uncomfortable around him. I told him I just didn't know him well enough to be comfortable enough to do much more with him than make out. I told him it'd be nice to hang out without having to do anything and he said that was perfectly fine with him. He also mentioned that as much of a tease as it was that I wouldn't sleep with him, it made him that much more attracted to me. A couple days later, he picked me up and invited me over. At first we were just watching TV and talking. Then we started making out and he picked me up to take me in his room. Once again, I told him I wasn't having sex with him and he said okay. A few moments later he stopped kissing me and told me he likes me. I told him that I like him too. Which he responded but I don't think you should spend the night. I started laughing because that was unexpected and I told him honestly I never intended to stay the night and that was a random comment to make. He said its not that random, I just need to set a boundary - is that mean of me? I told him I didn't think it was mean and appreciated him saying that. Then I joked with him and asked do you set a boundary with all girls you hook up with? He said, no trust me. I never set boundaries with them so it's a good thing. I'm really into him and want things to progress but clearly during our 3 hangouts last week, I kept getting mixed signals. What do you think the deal is? And when is it no longer considered "too soon" to ask about what we are/what he wants from this?
@Crystal......We're sorry this is so hard for you. (We promise we won't lecture you. If you watched our video you know how we feel about FWB) We think your plan is good. Definitely DO NOT let him call you up at 1am when he's horny and wants to come over. In fact, if you really want this to change you need to talk to him about it. We know you don't want to lose him but if he's going to leave you anyway why wait to talk with him? It's only going to be worse later. And who knows, maybe if he thinks he's going to lose you, he'll wake up and see what he has. But just so you know, these types of arrangements rarely transition to something more serious. If he wanted a committed relationship with you, that's what you'd be doing. Your thoughts? We're sorry. Good luck and keep us posted. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
I have been in this type of relationship for a couple of years. The guy I have been seeing suffers from bouts of depression and low self esteem,he is very indecisive about a lot of things in his life as a result of this, and it was actually me who suggested this arrangement in the first place, tho admittedly in the hope it would transpire into something more. I believe he has feelings for me as I do for him, we have each had other relationships during this time but never at the same time. When we are meeting up usually on a weekly basis, it is always exclusive. he has said to me on occasion 'You make it too easy for me' this has got me thinking that he wants to change the dynamic. I am going to step back a little, not be so available. Or maybe when he contacts me at 1 or 2 am after he has been out, I will not respond, give it a few days then txt him in the afternoon to say 'how are you? I have been thinking about you today' If he responds to this approach negatively and guides things back to the fact that this isn't what we are about. I will walk away. This is too painful for me. The thought of him saying to me one day, I have met someone I really care about so this has to stop..Absolutely rips me apart. I have tried to develop something more meaningful so I can move on from him but it seems to have the adverse effect. I have told him at least twice this has to stop as I am becoming attached, he just accepted it with very little, if any response. But we can't seem to let go for long. I think about him almost every minute of every day. I do know I feel more for him than he does for me....Will his feelings ever grow? I am broken...
@Simone.....Women are rarely the ones to suggest a FWB arrangement. (We're not fans because someone always gets hurt.) So we can tell you that he'll probably happily agree to any conditions you require especially if he's going to still be able to have sex with you. Keep us posted. And yes, talk to him. Thanks for sharing our site with friends. We appreciate it.
No, I actually don't want more than a BC situation with this guy. I don't mind him hanging around for a couple of hours here and there, but I'm uncomfortable with the thought of us hanging out and going out to public places b/c I feel it's unnecessary for my needs to be met. My gut reaction is to start to pull away to create distance, but I guess I just need to talk to him about it to clear the air. Thanks!
@Simone.....Are you confused because you want more with this guy? And have you talked about this with him? Sometimes guys will use their BC/FWB to meet all of their needs, physical and emotional, even if they have no interest in taking it to the next level. Of course, if that's the case, this arrangement is not going to very good for you. You might need to talk with him. Of course he might freak out, but if that's the case, then you'll have your answer: That he wasn't interested in anything more than sex. Thoughts?
I started talking to a male coworker of mine five months ago. We exchanged numbers, never got together but texted pretty frequently, mostly about sex. It was established early on this is what we're looking for, but for various reasons (some legit, some b.s.), we never hooked up until a few weeks ago. I was shocked when he called me just to say hi because our communication outside of work was 100% texting. I'm no stranger to the BC, but now we talk on the phone constantly, usually twice a day, and I'm not used to this in such a casual relationship. The last time we had sex it seemed much more intimate than usual. He wants me to wear his shirt to bed, hang out with me in public (we've never done so before) and told me he loved me after sex (I just assumed it was because he enjoyed what I was doing). Is it normal to interact with your BC so much, or is this where the FWB comes into play? I'm getting a little confused because the rules seem to be changing.
@Confused.......Yes. Wish we could be more upbeat about this situation, but he seems like he's playing you. We know it's hard to move on, but you definitely deserve a guy who loves you AND respects you. And who doesn't just call you at 3am for sex. Take care and be strong. There are good guys out there, but you've got to try to move on first, and be open to them.
Thanks so much for your help and advice. He said he doesn't want a relationship so I have to believe him, I know hanging on and hoping that will change is not going to work. I would have a relationship if it was on offer. The problem is in the past he'd say he just wants to be friends then he'd always make moves on me for sex. I tried to have FWB but eventually said no I was getting hurt and didn't want that. This time round I don't love him and thought FWB might work, because we always had great sex, but wasn't expecting him to turn me down and say we're only friends...especially since he'd tried to have sex with me a couple of weeks ago...hence the confusion. He has since texted me at 2.45am saying what you doing...which to me meant nothing other than he wanted to come round for sex. I replied but he didn't and next day he denied it was a booty call and said he just felt like texting me, don't read into it. I guess he didn't want to be honest about it. You are probably right that I should move on and find a nice guy.
@Confused.......What do you want? If you could be in a relationship with this man would you? Because if so, the last thing you want to do is offer FWB. (Watch our video on the topic. Go to video page.) FWB arrangements rarely transition into anything more serious. So he'd be getting what he wants and you wouldn't be getting what you want. This guy's got a lot of work to do on himself. And he's certainly not ready for any sort of serious relationship, since he's just getting out of his marriage now. So, yes, we think he's using you. We think you should move on and find a nice guy who's interested in all that you have to offer, not just your body. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
7 years ago I got involved with a guy who was separated for 2 years. We got on really well, were intimate and seemed to be heading for a good relationship but he admitted he drinks too much and we both put the brakes on. It became messy, more like FWB and he kept saying he only wanted to be my friend but would keep turning up to my house to hang out and have sex or inviting me over. He went to rehab and then went back to his wife. 7 years later he has come back into my life. He is separated again and going through divorce. We had a very nice eve together, things got sexual but we put the brakes on. A couple of weeks later I offered him FWB and he turned me down! He is saying he wants to be my friend. Should I just take him at his word? Is he just using me for sex.
Thank you! :)
@Kitty....Well, we stick with our opinion. You deserve better honestly. Think about this. If he was really totally into you, he wouldn't still be pining for his ex. Sure, he might think fondly about her, but he'd be more psyched to move on with you. That's not what's happening. One thing you might not realize about guys. Guys know right away how they feel about a woman. They don't need months to figure it out. Truly. He already knows how much he's going to commit to you. And his actions pretty much tell the tale. We're sorry. But we hope this helps you see it from our perspective. Let us know what you decide and how things progress. Take care. We're pulling for you Kitty.
Some say to move on, some say to stay with him a bit longer. It varies
@Kitty.....Since we feel we kind of know you now we're just going to say it. This sounds like a great situation for him and a not so great situation for you. He just said he's in love with his ex, but yet he's still trying to hold you back. Talk about having his cake and eating it too. Seems pretty selfish to us. If he really cared about you he'd tell you he understood if you needed to date other people and/or move on. Instead he's feeding you some Zen rhetoric about not being able to "be." Kitty, you're going to kick yourself later if you stick with this much longer. What do your friends say? Do they say stick it out or move on? (We can't remember if we asked you that already.)
And when I said that he made it hard for me to stay emotionally detached, he said it was because I hadn't learned how to be yet and I said that he encourages me not to be and he said he absolutely did not. This was yesterday and it pissed me off.
I'm back again. :) This time its because we had a discussion yesterday that made me falter a bit... He basically revealed that he was still in love with that last woman and thought about her every day. (Just a few days after I got him to admit he thought of ME everyday! Darn it!) I wasn't too surprised to hear this and I understand but it frustrates me that he pines for her. I still care about my ex, but I don't pine for him. I suspect that usually when he is at his most affectionate, it is because he has been thinking about her more often that day. He was especially affectionate yesterday and then withdrew after we talked about everything, then gradually started to become affectionate again and a little confused when I wasn't as reciprocating. He has been more affectionate than usual the last few times we have been together. He is also still very worried that I will lose interest in him and want to be with someone else- he made a comment yesterday as if he were joking and I went on a mini tirade about how he is really worried about my wanting to see other guys even though we are technically not together, but how many times do I have to tell him that I genuinely care about him and do not want to see anyone else because he is not anyone else. He stopped after that, just said ok and when I asked him if he wanted to see other people, he said no, not at all. So we are exclusively not in a relationship... We went to run a few errands today and he would get mildly offended if I weren't close enough for him to hold if he turned around... A part of me feels that I should be patient, but the other part is like NOOOOOOO!!! RESULTS! RESULTS! NOW NOW NOW!!!! Am I too much of a rebound girl for this to be worth it? I'm starting to think I am more of a rebound girl than a FWB which would have been my second guess...
@Veronica....You're welcome. Glad we could help. Come back and ask as many questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. And once again, thanks for sharing our site with friends. We appreciate it.
Mhm, I kind of needed a confirmation of my suspicions to make sure I'm not being silly and imagining stuff. I'll go with the flow for now,and you're right, just see how it goes. Thanks a lot guys, you've been of great help! If any new developments occur,I'll let you know, and ... Go figure, maybe something WILL work out. Thank you for the advice! :)
@Veronica.....Well, if he's hinted about it, he's gauging your reaction. Just because he says he was kidding doesn't mean he was. Ask yourself: If I had been into it, would he have still said he was joking? We doubt it. And if this is the case, then this is not headed to a great place, and his intentions are nothing more than having a close friend to have sex with. And clearly that's not what you want. We think you've got to go with this a bit more though. Both of you are being kind of coy and secretive about your intentions. So why don't you just see where it heads. But keep your eyes open and trust your gut. If this starts smelling like FWB or booty call arrangement, we'd pack your bags and move on. Keep us posted.
True. I haven't told him directly, but I do act in a way that could be suggestive. I flirt quite a lot and act in a very open and friendly manner towards him. Sometimes when we're talking about our friends he points out that I'm his VIP friend, more than just best friend, and vice versa, and I laugh and agree. He says he's happy that I understand him, feel for him, share his interests (loads of them), see the good in him and even admits that he behaves better around me, and I always reassure him that I'll be there for him. You know, I probably won't say much more because I might just ruin the situation while we're apart. Once we meet up, well see how it goes I guess :) oh and on the topic, I saw the FWB video and read a few posts here, and see the drawbacks. He had suggested at some point that we could become FWB, but I pushed away the idea and explained that if anything, girls want relationships, to which he replied that he's just joking and he'd never do anything like that to me. But on a number of occasions, he had mentioned this arrangement again. I usually laugh it off, but I'm starting to get the impression that perhaps he's showing interest in me because he's hoping for something to appen in the Sumer.... This completely contradicts the previous description I gave of him. Could he be thinking in that direction if he's never had any relationships before, or as a first timer, will he be more sincere and straightforward in is words and actions? Ah I'm confusing myself now
@Veronica......We think you need to trust your gut on this one. You know better than we do how this guy works. But haven't you kind of already revealed your crush to him? Maybe you don't need to say anymore? Or maybe you do? It's hard from our vantage point to tell you what's the best way to proceed. FYI: If he's the kind of guy that pushes any girl away that confesses to liking him then he has some issues of his own to deal with. (Probably wouldn't make great boyfriend material if that's the case.) So if you decide to tell him and that happens, well then you won't have to waste any more time wondering. If you do tell him and he's receptive, well, then all the better. What do you think?
Thanks guys, you are extremely helpful. And Yep I see what you mean. I haven't actually had much experience with love, and as many young girls I'd love my first love to be my last, but in the 21st century this may be a tad difficult. And in any case, experience is always good. I will try really hard not to over do the whole jealousy thing, and anyway I wouldn't want to see him actually furious and annoyed :P I'll try telling him how I feel as well, but the reason I haven't up to now is because he's told me that every time a girl shows interest in him, whoever she is, he tends to push her away and dislike her in return! It's funny because he had asked me after we made out why n earth would I ever kiss him, and when I jokingly said "practice makes perfect" he got terribly offended. Then I laughed it off and said no no its ok I really like you (nothing more, no hints) he cheered up a bit, and then I asked him if he wants to know the real reason, he replied, no its ok, I think I know why. Now that got me a bit stuck - does he in fact know that I like him back? I mean he calls me weird child because unlike any of his other girl friends Im not clingy around him, I'm pretty chill and allow us to come into physical contact (ok that just sounds weird). The problem here is that I don't want to push him away by revealing my crush. Maybe I'm wrong but this is has been a bit of a dilemma for me this whole time :P
@Veronica....Thanks for sharing our site. Yes, your strategy is good. Just don't overdo it. Meaning, don't make him so jealous that he gets annoyed. But he should know that you have other guys interested in you. We wouldn't reveal everything you're telling us. But it's okay to tell him you have a crush on him. (As long as he's doing the same.) Obviously by your "sessions" it's clear the two of you have a thing for one another......Your plan sounds good by the way. Go out and explore, both of you, date around, fall in love, whatever, but keep the communication open. If you do that, you never know what might happen in the future. ps. And if you get extended time together this summer all the better to make the connection stronger. Just be careful. If you get together with him, then fall for him, and then go your separate ways, you may find yourself in a holding pattern, not able to be open to other guys, but not be able to have him either. Does that make sense? Take care Veronica.
Plan... Well. I really like this guy, so im looking forward to the summer as well. Id love it to be something serious, but the thing is we want to study in different countries as well. Ill be going back to england, whereas hes planning to go to the states. Were finishing school this year (we were late starters) and maybe have a gap year after, at least i want one for sure. We were planning on travelling together, so maybe something will work out then. Oh and actually, it was he who called himself shallow :P i obviously understand that if he comes into contact with girls every single day, hes bound to fall for one or more, especially if were far apart. Im guessing that he implied that hes not making me any promises, and he will have other flings if it comes to that. In the meantime, so will i, if i want to. I mean, id love to be in a relationship with him, but since we havent agreed to be an item, were both open. And yes we havent discussed our relationship in details. Its more like, i have a crush on you, lets make out next time we see each other, im gonna kill your males friends (actual quotes from one of our convos, jokingly ofc, but said numerous times :P) but no promises or commitments. On this note, another question then. I havent told him how i feel, and im not that open about my feelings. Ive said i missed him, only after he said it first, and i compliment him and everything. But i also tend to try and make him jealous. I tell him about my male friends and how much fun we have, that this boy and that boy have a crush on me as well and he gets really protective and jealous. Jokingly, or not? Think a part of him is serious... Now should i do that? How to you guys react when you find out that your not the only one interested in your crush? Is it ok that im trying to make him jealous? Yes... Its kind of a method of keeping his attention, to tell him that there are other candidates except him. In terms of our contact at the moment, how should i treat him? Thank you for replying so fast btw :) oh and ive shared you guys on fb!
@Veronica......This sounds nice actually. And don't worry about your parents. Your friend is only 18. If he was 30 we'd be concerned. But he's got plenty of time to get his act together. So what exactly do you want from this? Are you both going to college? How are you going to be together in the same place if you live in different countries and the two of you are headed to different institutions? Just curious. Do we think this has potential? Absolutely. Do we think he probably likes you? Yes. So then you might wonder why he's so "shallow" as you say it. Actually, it's not shallow that he wants to have sex with other girls. It's how he's wired. You've probably heard that guys think about sex every 6-7 seconds. Well, that's not exactly accurate. It's more like every 2-3 seconds. Now that he's starting to come into his own—a young adult males— his mind and body go abuzz haywire when any sort of female enters his vicinity. It's normal, and it's easy for guys to compartmentalize between sex and love. You're pretty progressive to tell him to go explore..... So the issue here really is your plan. Have you two talked about it specifically, or do you only speak in generalities? Do you have a plan? If you want something to happen soon, you probably need to take steps to living closer to one another, or in the same town. We're not saying a long distance relationship is not possible, just that it's probably not ideal, especially at your ages, with the fact that you have so many exciting chapters to live in the next 4-6 years. But if the pull is that strong, we'd suggest getting the conversation started. See where he's at with all of this. And go from there. If you're thinking long term then this is what we propose: Your plan needs to be open ended, and you need to think long term here. Both of you need to be out in the world exploring, discovering, learning, and enjoying. You need more experience to bring to the table. And then after you both finish with what you need to do, and if you keep the connection open during that time with consistent communication, maybe you can try to get something started then. What do you think? Let us know. ps. Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter. We appreciate it. Thanks. Be on the lookout for our relaunch later next week.
This is not really about friends with benefits, but i was directed here and im a bit desperate for advice. Thanks :)) Hi guys! This might be a common topic but since every situation is unique, I'll just ask about it again. Concerning best friend relationships. So basically i have this friend (a boy) whom i met around 4 years ago via parents and mutual friends. We hit it off pretty well, but didnt start talking to each other like best friends until last year. We live in different countries (Italy and Germany) and only see each other in the summer because were actually both from London. Last summer we were on this trip together (with parents) and being 2 kids, we obviously had to hang out. In a few days, we realised we really liked each other (platonically) and regretted not having met up before. That summer, we met up very frequently, and told each other loads of personal stuff, which to be honest was strange for me since ive never been this close to a guy, and apparently, hes never been this close to a girl either. Now, ive always suspected that he likes me. 1)During our early days, he told me that i have an amazing sense of humour and am the only girl to laugh at his jokes. 2)He was exvited when he saw me again, and during the summer would always call me up to join him and his friends. He has some girlfriends that he hung out with before me, but theyre quite bad ass and out of his league (though he ended up making out with one when they were drunk, and he really liked it). 3)This summer, he was super happy when he saw me, and our first convo was like we had never even parted. At some point he got really personal and open, telling me to ask him anything, and that hed tell me even though hes never this open even with his best friend. He has a pretty low self esteem since hes not popoular among girls at his school that consider him a bit of a creep, but hes quite good looking, though he does get arrogant at times. I told him not to worry, hell find that person that will love him, and he said that i make him feel special in a good way. 4) we hung out all the time. Movies at is or my place, group meetings, calls and texts, wishing our houses were somehow connected ;) 5) a few times, i called him over with a friend of his, but he turned up by himslef, saying his friend couldnt make it. I later found out that he had never even told is friend that he was going to meet me. Ok too much info. Basically, the difficult part: this summer we had a party and both got quite drunk, and since weve never gotten physical before ( i mean he jokingly gropes me sometimes and i push him away) what happened was pretty surprising. We made out. Like big time. I guess he needed the courage to approach me cos it was him that initiated the kiss, but i followed and we ended up having a pretty intense makeout session with even a few hickeys. Then we cuddled (already sober) and parted. Next time we met up, we ended up lying on this mattress thing, and i suggested making out (with an excuse of not being able to make out in the nearest few moths since i dont have a boyfriend) and another make out session followed, that we both really enjoyed. Now were both back to our typical lives, but we chat and call each other quite frequently. He tells me he misses me, glorifies my bum (weird i know, but he always did, now its just more open)and body actually (and seriously, i do not have the skinniest legs or biggest booobs or flattest stomach), compliments me on some of my qualities such as being very objective, a good listener, supportive ofnhim, not judgementsl etc, and ... Even told his friends that im his girlfriend. I laughed, but secretly loved it. Sometimes when we talk aout the future and i mention my kids, he always corrects me and says OUR kids, and anything concerning marriage he directs towards us being together. I allways laugh the thing off or play along. And now surprisngly enough, he admitted that he has a serious crush on me. I said it was cool. And now what? Were not officially bf and gf, just the closest friends ever. He doesnt get much girl contact, and one friend of his ive talked to reallly likes me (like most of his friends actually). Is there anything i can hope for? I mean i told him that he shud still go hit on other girls at his school because to be honest, he wants to get laid pretty badly, and im not giving, so i want him t get what he needs somewhere else, cos im seriously not ready for this ( even though im 18). He said not to worry, he will, even admitted that hes shallow, but still. Do you see what i mean? He will hit on any living thing, but still tells me that he misses me, likes me, and cant wait to see me. Well see each other only next summer and hes said that hes really looking forward to our make out sessions. Now i dont think hes a player because as ive said before, he doesnt get much girl contact, hes pretty shy and clumsy when it comes to girls, he hasnt had a girlfriend before, and i feel that he really does like me. And no, not just for my body because its not that amazing, but my personality, the fact that i laugh at his jokes a lot, that i know so much ( even though hes extremely intelligent as well), and generally because he tells me that hed rather talk to me than watch a film or chat with another friend. I feel very special, but i dont want to get my hopes up. Also another thing, my parents love him, but dont consider him the best boyfriend material bevause hes pretty lazy and irresponsible. Horrible qualities i know, but im still hoping... And if anything, this relationship will be a secret for the beggining. However, bis parents really like me, so there its ok. And what i want. Well, i think about him all the time. Just remember our coversations, play back bits that made me feel warm and fuzzy, remember us cuddling and how warm and great it was,mremeber our makeout session and plan stuff. Id really like us to be together, but im afraid it wont work out. A) im afraid to have my heart broken and b) im afraid to lose him, even as a friend. So, question. Should i hope for anything? Do you think our relationship has potential? Do you think it willl work out, and... Do you think hes serious about me? He says he thinks about me all the time, so.. It could be a sign. Thanks guys, Veronica, Frankfurt
@Denise.....Thanks for sharing.
I completely agree. Though I have been able to truly separate my feelings before and have a FWB relationship from my end, I found that it was him who was pretending so still did not work.
@Kitty.....Well, good luck. Keep us posted, and let us know how it plays out.
Yes. It does... I was thinking about giving it a few more weeks, like until November. Then we will have been seeing each other for a little over 3 months which should be more than enough time to spit it out... But you're right about him being too wishy-washy... Maybe he's afraid I'm going to be a Cheatey Petey and wants to make sure I'm not but still have all the benefits of a non committal relationship. If that's the case, it not going to fly for too much longer because it is emotionally draining and we are both too old for games. Thanks very much for the advice! :)
@Kitty...We added a few points to our last comment. Reread. Bottom line: You've got to make your own decision and go with that. There's nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer, although the longer you wait the longer you're in turmoil, and the longer you'll be in a holding pattern. We also think that when someone is so wishy washy at the beginning, even if they change their mind and dive in, it doesn't mean all of a sudden their initial hesitation is gone. It just means they've now let their brain guide them for a bit. But in the end, the heart always wins out. Does that make sense?
My friends are divided on this. Some say I'm pushing it to fast anyways, some say to leave him and some say to give it a couple more months to let him make a decision. My mom is the only relative who I've told this stuff to and she has implied that I should break up with him, but she's man-bitter and always adds something about all men being pigs so I can't possibly take her seriously.
@Kitty...Yes, this is confusing. We also believe that guys know right away how they feel. The fact that he's not moving forward tells us he knows how he feels but doesn't want to tell you. And honestly, we just don't buy his whole story. Yes, he may have made a promise to himself to only date around, but if he was way into you, he'd alter his plans. That's what people do. How many times have you heard someone say they're planning on moving, and then they meet someone and they do a complete 180? It's obvious he likes you, but to what extent is to be determined. He knows, but he's not telling you. And so, basically, this has become a huge emotional drain on you, and it's probably getting close to decision time. What do your friends think? Your family? Do you have any sense of what you're going to do? And if you give it more time, how long do you plan on waiting?
Well, with the birthday thing, I just didn't want to do something like that so close to a day that may be important to him. I haven't made a decision about whether or not to stop seeing him, but I did take your advice about trying to get some answers. I told him that ever since we first started seeing each other, I had felt that there was something he was not telling me and that it was what was keeping me at arms length. He said that with all of his past relationships, he ended up jumping head first into things immediately and becoming obsessed with the girl to where she was all he would think about and then would end up getting really hurt. He did this with the last girl when he only wanted to date her initially and he even knew that they were horrible for each other and he of course got hurt. After that though, he hasn't felt emotionally capable of doing that, he told me that with me, he didn't obsess over me, that while he would think of me often, he was able to think of other things too(which is healthier)and didn't feel a need to co-dependently become too attached too quickly. He just wanted to take his friend's advice and just date. We agreed when we first started to see each other that we would not see others though and he has kept to that. I told him that I was afraid that my feelings for him would grow and develop and his wouldn't and he hugged me and said, I'm afraid of that happening too and I don't want to hurt you. That last part is sort of what disturbed me. It seemed like he was saying it would never happen. I told him that while I knew that you should usually try to take a guy at face value that it was hard when he was always so affectionate towards me and he said he knew that it was and hugged me. Anyways, he told me that he loved being with me, loved holding me, loved talking to me. I understand that he may not know what he wants yet but these mixed signals are driving me crazy and I remember being told once that a guy knows from the beginning how far he wants to go with a girl and if he sees a future with her. This is so frustrating too because he was the one who started showing he liked me first, going out of his way to be near me, get my attention, and then eventually tell me that he liked me and wanted to start seeing me. I want to see where it goes but I don't know if he has any intention of it going anywhere ever...
@Kitty......Well, waiting around for a birthday doesn't make a lot of sense really. We're not telling you to break up with him—although we're not telling you not to— but if you plan on breaking up with him there's no point in waiting until after a birthday. In some ways, before might be better. Here's what our gut is telling us: He's not telling you everything, and he's hiding behind these emotional "scars" of his. Because you're the perfect person for someone with the kind of baggage he has. You're saying all the right things. He's not going to get anyone who's more willing than you, to take on his baggage and treat it with kindness and respect. So we have to think something else is going on. It would be nice to know what that is. Does this resonate with you? What do you think? It would be good to get some answers before you make a final decision.
So, big eye opener last night... We had spent some time together last night and I said to him that whatever we had, I felt it was special. He agreed but said that he didn't want it to go any further and that he was comfortable with the way things were. I said that I was for the time being but would eventually want to. He hugged me and said "Baby, the way I've been feeling, I never want to go there again." I told him that I wasn't the last girl he was with or any of the others for that matter, he said he knew. I told him I wouldn't deliberately or knowingly hurt him or string him along and he said he knew. We ended the night with my reminding him that he wasn't the only one afraid of getting hurt. All he said was ok and I walked him to the door, we said our goodbyes and he left. I want to keep seeing him but I don't think I should. Regardless of a man's "scars", I deserve someone who is willing to heal and give me a chance. I know I can't make him change his feelings for me and that he most likely has no intention of doing so. This whole arrangement is very convenient for him- which is entirely my fault. At the same time, the silly romantic in me is like- give him time, he's already infatuated, he'll change. I don't think that's realistic though. I was to cowardly and trying to absorb this realization last night so I didn't call it off with him and now I think I may have to wait for a bit because his birthday is very soon and it would be wrong... What do you think? Still try to give it a chance and see if his feelings will develop afterall? Call it off now? Wait until after his birthday?
@Kitty.....Why don't you give it a little more time? See how things go. But one thing to keep in mind. Relationships are a two-way street. Right now he's kind of dictating. That's okay for the time being. Relationships always have an ebb and flow to them. But what we're trying to say is, the power needs to be balanced in order for a relationship to prosper. Be careful not to let his low self-esteem—if that's what this is—to dictate the course of the relationship. Keep us posted as this progresses, and let us know if you have any other questions. Good luck. ps. Please let your friends know about us. (Maybe we already asked.) If so, thanks. But please share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. We'd appreciate it.
I think it may be some weird combination of all of the above. He definitely has confidence issues- he has even said things like "only a crazy woman would want to be with someone like me" and he thought for several weeks before we started seeing each other that I specifically didn't like him, although I did and just didn't want to look silly. I think you may be right about it being to soon for him and he just doesn't know yet, it would make sense since he is still hurt and also about some of the he said things possibly being defensive. I think he does use his past a bit, to keep me at bay. Maybe to figure out what he wants? To egg on his low self esteem? Who knows? He told me he didn't want anyone to know about us because he didn't want us to be the subject of gossip and speculation. I think it may go further than that- I think he doesn't want to look like the bad guy if we break up or experience even more awkwardness and feel like having to explain anything if that were to happen. He had told me he wouldn't have minded anywhere else. I don't know with this guy, he's frustrating me. I wish he would communicate more. Just a little more. We'll get close, and then he will withdraw, it's a cycle.
@Kitty.....We see three possible scenarios: 1. It takes confidence for a guy to start calling someone regularly. What's assumed is: She likes me and she'll want to hear from me. If this guy is healing from his past, he may not be sure if your feelings match his. You may wonder about this since the two of you are already having sex, but in some ways that's easier for him. Remember, that's the two of you confined in the apartment. Being out in the world with a woman is totally different. He's not sure if he can declare to the world that you're his yet. And he's not even sure how to do this. And telling you to date whoever you want is a defense mechanism. "If he doesn't declare how he feels you can't hurt him." 2. He's not a good communicator. He's using his past as an excuse to keep you at arm's length. And this is basically who he is. And it's a red-flag that he got upset at you for making it obvious about your connection. Why is he upset over that? He should be happy for people to know you're a couple, even if you're not quite a couple. 3. It's too soon and he just doesn't know yet. With the information you provided this is how we see it. It may be too soon for us to pick which one we think it is. How about you? What do you think?
He does take me out on dates btw, so we aren't just at our houses all the time and he won't have sex with me right after he drops me off at home- he says it wouldn't be right. He also goes out of his way to pick me up from my house when we get together. I don't know if this means anything or if I am just starting to make excuses for him now... :/
I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. He told me from the beginning that he didn't know what he wanted and that he didn't want to call it a relationship but agreed not to see anyone else because while it was too early to call it a commitment, he wanted more than just sex. I was ok with this arrangement because we are both still healing from past relationships and the way he said "too early to call it a relationship" implied that it could grow into one once we've healed. I believe he does care for me because he has gone out of his way to help me on more than one occasion, and even gets mad if I don't share personal information with him that is really none of his business if we aren't in a relationship- a boundary he set. And he snuggles me after sex- we will wake up still holding one another, he will even pull me back into bed in the morning just to hold me- I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, its just confusing. The problem is that he never texts me during the week to tell me good morning, nor call me unless its the "when and where" call and the "I'm on my way" call. He usually responds if I initiate it but rarely initiates it on his own. He texted me good morning for about a week about a week and a half ago and then suddenly stopped as soon as he started. We go to the same trade school and we agreed not to be all over each other there but people found out we were seeing each other a few weeks ago and he blames me for making it obvious. Since then, he has gone out of his way to avoid sitting near me at school. It hurts that he doesn't acknowledge my existence during the week. His last romantic interest played him and so now he has this baggage involving that. The one time I called him on my own, I asked him if he was afraid that I would treat him the way she did and he told me he wouldn't let me. We had another conversation in which he made comments about how I would forget about him because I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him on the weekends due to a school related thing and I asked him if he was scared. He told me that if I wanted to see other guys it was fine by him, to just let him know. He completely acted like he didn't care. To say nothing of the fact that he told me not to fall for him the first night. But then he snuggles me all the time and stares at me just because he likes looking at me, stroking my face all the while. Friends tell me to be patient with him, that he really does care about me and just needs more time to heal, to just be myself. Some have suggested to stop having sex, some say its too late for that. I don't expect this guy to introduce me to his family and start calling me his girlfriend tomorrow. I don't expect him to call me every day and keep me updated of his itinerary every hour. But I now that while things may not be serious now, I will want them to be in a few months, because I am a passionate person. I told him over the weekend that it hurt me that he didn't sit next to me and that I wanted him to call me sometime. He hasn't called but it's early in the week and we don't have class together until tomorrow, so we will see if this changes at all- he seemed pretty surprised that not sitting next to me hurt my feelings. It remains to be seen whether or not that will change. But if it doesn't, or even if it does, should I give this guy more time and still keep seeing him patiently? He doesn't want any label on our... uh... liaison... told me that he didn't know what he wanted except to be with me, so I'm not even sure if friends with benefits would apply though its the closest. He will occasionally use the term dating or seeing. I've been told by guys that he is considering me for a partner and that I am pushing to hard. Is this true?
@Tiffany.....Well, if you're struggling it's probably time to have some sort of discussion, wouldn't you say? And that's the issue we have with FWB. Did you watch our video? (We assume so since you're leaving a comment on that post.) Anyway, typically these don't lead to anything more than sex. Sometimes women get confused because the guy wants to cuddle, and says all sorts of nice things, etc. But if he's not taking you out on proper dates, introducing you to his friends and family, and bringing you occasional presents, and basically trying to integrate you into his life, then he's probably not looking for more than sex. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him and tell him how you feel. What's the worst that can happen? He ends it. Sure, that may be sad, but if you're already struggling, at least you'll know where you stand, and instead of worrying all the time, you can focus your energy on meeting someone else. Or however you want to spend your time. What do you think? Are you ready to talk to him?
I have been struggling with my FWB relationship for the last couple weeks. The problem is that I suggested it. I have a hard time reading people but I get mixed feelings about what he actually wants. For example: One morning I got a call from my daughter's father and he told me I should tell him I was "with my boyfriend" I don't know if that was a joke or not. He has also questioned me about who else I'm seeing, and that came out of the blue, but we don't do anything outside the bedroom. I was fine with the FWB but the more I get to know him the more I like him and would like to see if it could go somewhere. Do his comments mean anything? Should I ask him if he sees us as anything else?
@Erryn......It's not the telling, it's the follow through. If you've really decided you want to move on, then you tell him and you move on, as hard as that may be. A letter isn't going to give you the finality that doing it in person will. However, if it makes it easier for you, and that will help you, then it could be the way to go. At this point, your friends, us, whomever, can only watch while you figure out what you need to to. Only you can make that decision. Good luck. And keep us posted.
They want me to let go. I'm trying. I think I'll put it in a letter. I'm not good with communicating things verbally. Is a letter a smart way to go about this? Do I tell him how I feel again?
@Erryn.....If he's not going to do it then you have to. We don't have any wisdom to shed on that. At some point someone has to take a stand. If you're going to be together, then you both need to commit. If not, then someone has to say enough. And truly break it off. Sometimes this requires drastic measures. Two that are common are: 1. Someone just has to be mean about it. We know, not pleasant, but true, especially for someone who won't go away. 2. Someone moves to a new place. What you don't want to happen Erryn, is let this drag on for years and years, and then when it's finally over you say to yourself, "Really? I just wasted (blank) years on this guy? And for what?" That's where this is headed. You're not the first person to not know wonder how they'll manage in their life without the other person. When you break up with someone, you not only lose the person, but a part of yourself as well. It's very hard, especially when the other person won't go away on their own. That's why we say we can't give any sage advice on this. This is a strength issue. When you have the strength to move on, you will. Friends and family can help with this. What do they say to you? (Did you tell us already?)
It is very hard to put into words, why I haven't let him go 100%. I actually wrote him and ended things and then my heart got the best of me, and I wanted him back. He was still there too. I just don't know how to quit him or give him an ultimatum without sounding bitchy or insecure. I can't imagine not having him in my life ever again. I love how we are together but I hate how I feel whe we're apart. He has a place in my heart that I feel like no one else can fill. I've tried talking to other guys. It doesn't feel right. I need to know how to get his feelings out and on the table. Like, how do I get a "yes, let's part ways."? Or a "i really want to be with you."??? Please shed some light. Thanks
@Erryn......Nice to hear from you again. This situation has you in a holding pattern. We just don't see it going anywhere, do you? If neither of you is willing to take this to the next level then what do you really have? We're just not sure what you're getting from this and why, after all his mixed signals, you're still so interested? Can you help us understand this? It doesn't seem like he every truly expresses his feelings for you. Does he? Sure, love is sometimes difficult to explain, but so are bad habits. This seems like more of a habit, something you can't break. Sometimes you just have to make a decision to go all in, or make the break. Both are a risk. The two of you need to decide which one it will be. And if he can't make us his mind, then the answer is clear. Move on.
Hi guys!!! I'm back. :-) Still dealing with the same guy, for 9 months now.:-P. We went without really talking and not seeing each other for 3 whole months. Then, we just started seeing each other again. I refrain from texting him as much as possible just to see what happens and he always finds his way back in. Now, every now and then, he has his moments where he says things like " wish you were here." and tonight, i told him i was cooking dinner n he says, "wish you were cooking for me." idk how to receive comments like that. I feel like we'll never each other alone. I express my feelings for him every now n then, n i think it'll scare him off. It doesn't!!!! Idk what to do anymore. I've been "talking" to this guy for almost a year and everytime i think we've.gotten closer to.getting that label, we stop.talking. Helllp! I still have some very deep feeoings for him
@Liz.....Honestly, we're as surprised as you. At least from what you told us about him, and how he had been acting. (Of course we don't know the guy) Your question is: Is this how booty call works? But there is a larger question. Is this the kind of guy you want to be even remotely involved with? That's the question you need to consider. Booty call, Friends with Benefits, No Call or Text in 6 days, are all ways of saying, the guy's not that interested in more than fun and sex. If he comes back it's going to be the same old pattern again. Thoughts? Questions? Ask away. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it. And keep us posted as this progresses.
I met this guy a couple weeks ago at a bar, we hit it off immediately and when we kissed he couldnt get enough of it (and he let me know that) I invited him over and things didnt go as planned. We had great chemistry but round 3, condom broke, and he helped by making sweet jokes about how beautiful our kids will be (he already has 1 kid). Continued to enjoy our night and in the morning we said our goodbyes. To my surprise we continued to talk. He came over for another late night romp session and we had another great time. Last saturday we were texting and he decided to alter his plans to come hang out with me, told me he would text me when he got back and was heading over. That was it. Never heard from him. I was genuinely concerned for his safety, and texted him to see if he was okay, still no response. Called and left a voicemail the next day, just to ask if he was alive. Still nothing. Its been 6 days since I heard from him and I cant help but feel a little deserted. He seemed genuinely interested, but then why did he dissapear? Why would he tell me he was on his way and just drop off the face of the earth? I hadnt thought much about it until last night, and today I'm in a sort of funk and cant stop thinking about it. I have a text written up just waiting to be sent, asking if he fell down a well or was picked up by the hurricane. I guess like every other woman, I am confused and need closure. Is this how booty calls work?
@Michelle.......He's stringing you along. He's not doing it intentionally. Well, maybe he is, but at least he's being honest about it. He's telling you to go meet other guys. No guy who is really in love with a woman would say that. Guys are too territorial. So why he enjoys spending time with you, having sex with you, he knows deep down it's not what he ultimately wants and he feels guilty about it. But he also can't stop himself from seeing you. That's driven by loneliness or physical needs, which is why it's going to be up to you to move on. Or at least put an end to this FWB, hooking up. That's not going to lead to anything except frustration, confusion, and possibly heartbreak. And don't listen to his friends. They're just muddling up the situation. Talk to this guy directly and tell him what you want. It sounds like maybe you've done that already. If he can't give this a second go, then it's time to let him go. This is not a healthy situation you're in right now. For you, that is. Tell us your thoughts. What do you think? And feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hey Guys, So my ex boyfriend and I have recently started seeing each other and hanging out occasionally. We started hanging out/hooking up around June and it's been going on till now (September). We only started this thing because we thought we weren't going to see each other anymore, and now that we are we are still seeing each other. When we hang out we act like we're together but we're not, and it makes me miss things a lot. However, sometimes he tells me to go meet other guys so I can move on and so he won't waste my time cause I'm waiting for him because I still have feelings for him. According to his friends he still has feelings for me just like I have feelings for him but this "thing" or whatever we have has been going on for almost 3 months and I'm really confused on what's happening. We talked about this before and he said that he's hoping that we could build up to dating again but for now just take things slow. But things aren't going anywhere and I have no idea what to do. I don't want to lose him but at the same time I know it's not healthy of me to keep being attached to this guy who doesn't even know what he wants. Advice please? Thank you
@Samantha.....Glad we could help a little. Our response time varies, but sometimes we're real quick! Why don't you just wait and see on this. But just keep your expectations in check. Good luck and definitely keep us posted. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
I agree completely with the way he handles relationships and his kids, and he is really great in that way. I was pleasently surprised as well that he hasn't tried to push me into doing something I may not want to do. I'm just not sure how to let him know that I understand he's busy and has a lot on his plate when he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. When we're together, he's pretty open but when we're just on the phone I can't seem to get a lot out of him. Maybe it's because he's so busy but I honestly don't know. He's told me that he doesn't want me to get attached and that he doesn't care what I do outside of our time together, but then he acts like he does. He asks me how I'm doing and if I made it home alright. So sometimes it feels like he wants more and then other times it's like he couldn't care less. Thanks so much for your help by the way, I'm definitely going to be telling friends about this site. You guys respond so quick!
@Samantha....Your issue stems from two sources: Timing and Life Stages. Let us explain. There may be only 9 years between the two of you, and if you were say, 30 and he was 39 it would be no big deal. But the two of you are at two very different stages in your life. You're just entering the adult world, possibly going to college, or working. He's already been in the working world awhile, is married and has two kids. That divide is absolutely huge even though the two of you connect on some levels. His hesitancy stems from his awareness of this divide. (The older person will usually get this more clearly since they've experienced more. We're also impressed that he's not taking advantage of you or putting his kids in a potentially unsettling situation. He seems like a good guy, at least in terms of those things.) So his mixed signals are normal, different than a guy who's just being an asshole. He's got a lot to consider. First: His wife-she would not make this easy on him if she found out. He's got to consider custody of his kids and financial compensation. She could probably convince a judge he wasn't a fit father if she found out he was dating an 18 yr. old. Second: His kids- besides the reason we just cited, he also has to consider their emotional well being. He shouldn't just introduce them to every woman he dates. Third: Timing - this is way too soon for him to be getting involved. He knows it. Sure, he likes you and is attracted to you but he also knows he doesn't want a serious relationship. In fact the last thing on his mind is a serious relationship. Our best advice to you: Have fun with him, but be keeping your eyes open to other possibilities. This could be a long road. What do you think? ps. Please let your friends know about us and ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. Take care.
I've started a FWB sort of arrangement and I've developed feelings for him. :/ Background of the guy: He's 27, I'm 18. He's seperated from his wife a year ago and has two children ( a boy who is 2 and a girl who is 4). He works constantly as an IT Manager. I met this guy about three months ago through his brother that I went to school with. I contacted him to see if he could fix my guitar and we just kind of kept talking afterwards. About two weeks ago we spent the entire night together at a lake swimming until sunrise. It was romantic and fun and I felt like there was definitely something between us. After that we kind of hung out in his garage, playing pool and talking. One night, I was giving him a back rub after a long day at work and he kissed me. After that night I decided we should discuss what was going on between us. He explained that he enjoys spending time with me but that a relationship can't happen because it wouldn't work out or end well. He also wanted to keep things from his kids as to not confuse them. I went along with this because at the time I was just happy that he seemed to be into me. We saw each other again a few nights afterwards. We ended up watching a meteor shower in his yard huddled under a blanket. I was really sad when he didn't make any type of move. I still enjoyed being with him but I thought something else was going to happen. It's like he's sending mixed signals. We flirt over the phone one day and the next he doesn't try to talk to me or message me back. Is there any way he and I might actually become something or am I just going to get attached and then end up hurt? I don't think I would be worried about this too much if I didn't feel so comfortable and happy around him. I've had similar situations where a guy just wants to mess around and I can usually put a stop to that pretty quick but I actually really like this guy. What should I do?
@Sarah.......Everything you describe sounds very positive; it sounds like you're in a relationship. So our question is, why haven't you talked about it? Usually by now the guy would express some sort of interest in an exclusive relationship. He wouldn't want you sleeping around, and he wouldn't want you dating others. Have you talked about those things at all? Several reasons could account for his lack of initiative. 1. He's not interested in more than sex with you. 2. He's still out and about trying to hit on other women. 3. He doesn't want to be in a serious relationship at all. (This would kind of go along with #2.) 4. He's still out looking for THE ONE. Sure, his age factors in. (He's young. You're both young.) But Sarah, do you really want to keep going the way you're going, kind of pretending everything is fine when it's not? At some point this has to be addressed or you're going to start feeling very resentful towards him. (You should watch our video on "Friends with Benefits") Typically these kind of arrangements don't morph into anything more serious. What do you think? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
question - i have this guy who ive been sleeping with for about a year now (we're both 19). we say we're friends with benefits but we were friends for years before we started sleeping together and i really like him. i dont want to admit that i have feelings for him incase he doesnt feel the same way and i dont think i could deal with the rejection. however he does so many things that make me think he does like me. we always hang out and after we sleep together, he always cuddles and spoons me, kisses me and asks for kisses, we talk and laugh all night until we cant keep our eyes open. the next day, if i stay at his house i usually wont leave until the late afternoon and if he stays at mine he doesnt leave until he absolutely has to. during this time, he continues to cuddle, kiss, play and joke around with me all day. hes always really kind to me and says really nice things and compliments me all the time. although i dont know if he does all these things just so that we can have sex. i want to know, based on what ive written here, if he actually likes me or if to him it is actually just sex.
@L.....Well you didn't mention the kid element before. Now, we totally get it. But still, it seems like he's into you. Does this have to be all or nothing? If you don't want to get serious anyway, what's wrong with the way it is? That's why we asked the questions we asked. You say you don't want to get more serious, yet you still want to know where his head's at. For us, the two don't go together. It still seems like if HE WAS INTO YOUR KIDS, you would be very much into exploring a serious relationship with him. If you want to keep it casual, then we say, it already sounds like it is.
Even if he were into me, I still wouldn't want to be anything more serious, because he is not excited at the prospect of being around kids (I have 2 young boys). When we first met, that was sort of covered in the "ground rules" discussion, which I'm fine with, because I have absolutely NO intention of introducing them to anybody that isn't a sure bet. We have a great chemistry, and a great kinship with each other, but I am honestly on the verge of walking away.
@L......It sure sounds like it. A few thoughts. We're not high on FWB arrangements because someone always seems to get hurt. (Watch our video on the topic) So question for you. Let's say he's into you, would you still not be interested in something more serious? Because if it's just out of fear, well then that's not the greatest reason. (Although we certainly understand how you feel.) Our suggestion: Since the two of you are already intimate we see no reason why you can't start talking about what's going on. If he freaks out, well, then you'll have your answer. What do you think?
Hey Guys, I have had an off/on FWB relationship with a guy for about 5 years. We were introduced by a mutual friend and enjoyed a very brief fling before I got back with an ex and he did the same. Fast forward a couple years later and he starts working for the company I used to work for (he knew I worked there), and we exchanged friendly hellos and very mild flirtations. When I broke up with my ex, we started a more regular casual arrangement (He was also single at this time). Several months later, I ended it, because I had met somebody else whom I was more serious about. We remained in contact with each other, as friends, but I would still get the occasional "I miss you" text or he would ask me to house sit for him. We've even been there for each other when we've gone through rough patches. When the relationship with the most recent ex ended, we start our arrangement again and it's been a little more hot and heavy this second time around. We talk to each other very regularly (sometimes staying up most of the night), and we see each other at least once a week. But also this time, I've noticed he's started doing more intimate gestures, like cuddling or stroking my hair, things that never occurred during Round 1. He also sticks around after we're done fooling around to talk or watch tv. So, I guess my question is, is he feeling more than he's willing to admit? I'm not interested in taking things further, I was burned pretty badly from my most recent serious relationship, but since we've done this for so long, is it possible that he's developed feelings for me along the way? Thanks! L.
@Shell.....The question to you is, what do you want? Are you happy with this arrangement? Do you want something more? (That's what we assume.) Because the main reason we don't recommend FWB arrangements is because they don't typically transition into more serious relationships. If you're happy with how things are, keep it going until it ends. But since he's your neighbor it could get messy. (It sounds like it already has.)
yes, should i keep it going on, i also dont know if he is interested or just feels he has to because its already happened, ive been his neighbor for 8 years so we have known each other for a while, its not something that was planed, it just happened.
@Shell......So what is your question? Is it: Should you keep doing what you're doing? Is he interested? We're not sure, because there are a lot of possibilities.
Im in a fwb relationship with my next door neighbor and have been for the last 4 months, we are both in our late 30s the problem is he still lives at home with his parents and i live with my 3 kids 1 of them is disabled, he said if his mum ever found out he wouldnt hear the end of it, the other nite he came back from a night out and texted me so instead of going into his house he came into mine, he left after 5 in the morning but his mum heard my door close and questioned him the next day, he told me about it but said it will be the last time hes gonna sneak about whilst his mum was indoors, but also said he couldnt wait for the next time we meet, i have no clue what to think, i really like him and i know im the one thats gonna get hurt but i really dont know what to do.
@Erryn.....We think you've got his number. Good plan. And good luck.
I mean, I don't feel like he really cares. We go too long without speaking. I'm starting to get the feeling that there is someone else in the picture and he doesn't know how to tell me. So, I think I'm just going to move. If he contacts me after then, so be it. But things won't be the same anymore. I'm going to tell him that whatever this thing is we had/have needs to end. I've never had anyone do this to me for so long. Every time we go back to talking, he always says that he's been down, or an emotional wreck. I'm starting to think that's just a way to keep the heat off of the real issue at hand. But, I'm pretty tired and fed up. I can't do it anymore.
@Erryn......Certainly telling him before is more of a clean break, but you do what you're able to do. Meaning, if you don't have the strength and need some distance between you in order to be able to do it, then that's how you go about it. Aren't you already pretty much broken up? First choice: Before, Second Choice: After Good luck.
Hi guys! Ok...I'm officially moving on. After our good spell, things went back to normal haven't talked in a week. About 3 months ago, I had planned to move to Texas and I let . him know. I changed my mind and didn't tell him. So when he texted me one day, I pretended like I did move...to see if I could get any feelings out of him. Surprisingly, it worked a little. I've since decided that I really am moving, but we haven't talked. My question is, do I tell him before, after or during my move? If it's during, it'll more than likely be a final goodbye. I played it out in my head and it brought me to tears. I didn't realize how much this whole thing affects me. I don't even know how to begin to say goodbye. Please help!:-)
@Dawn.........You should immediately stop staying over there and sleeping with him until it's clear where he's coming from. And based on his recent foray into another woman's arms we think we know. When you pull back it should spur on some conversation. He'll likely wonder what's going on and then maybe the two of you can have a real heart-to-heart conversation, which is what needs to happen. This is going to get really messy if it continues the way it's going. Yes, he's young, but he's not too young to be deceitful. He's already lied to you once, so you must take that into consideration when you decide what you want to do moving forward. What do you think? Do you think you can really trust him?
So I recently have been hanging out with a guy from work. We spend a lot of time together because we work a lot and we are both in management so there is no one else from the office to go out with. We also often have business to discuss and we choose to do that over dinner or drinks typically. So needless to say we are business colleagues and became pretty good friends through our work. We often joked about how convenient it would be to have sex with each other because we are so busy. I thought it'd be a bad idea because we work together and I'm not the type of person who can have casual sex. Plus he is 22 and I'm 28 and younger guys don't typically appeal to me. So we are hanging out one night drinking heavily, and I stayed at his house. He tried to put the moves on but I declined, although I didn't want to. A few days later the same thing happens but We have sex. We continued to hook up 3 times after that. one night he was texting while we were watching a movie. He was wasted and asked me if I cared if his friend (who he's had sex with before) could come hang out. I thought it would be awkward and it hurt my feelings so I left even though he said he wanted me to stay because he didn't want to sleep with her. She went there and he said he didn't remember anything the next day but I know they had sex! We are not together and I realize that but I do like him and I know he is young and probably has much different priorities than I do. So he apologized to me for that night and asked that we never talk about it again. Me being waaaay to nice I agreed and dropped it since technically I shouldn't have expectations. Istay at his house a few times a week but he hasn't wanted to have sex the past several times I've been there. He just wants Me to stay and to cuddle. I'm just really confused by this and I want to tell him how I feel but I'm afraid to. So are we friends, coworkers, cuddlers, F buddies??? I don't really know what to do because regardless I see him every day at work! What should I do?
@LIna......We don't love the FWB arrangement anyway. (Have you watched our video on the topic?) Check it out on our video page. It sounds like you did the right thing to end it. The whole situation seems a bit messy anyway.
We don't, or did not, really have an agreement. So I don't really owe him anything. But I feel bad (a bit girlie maybe but, hey, I'm a girl).Why o' why the flatmate?! I don't think I can go for this new guy even if I wanted to. Wouldnt it be plain rude? And havning sex with me makes him kind of a shit guy. So, I've ended up ending the whole FWD situation. This might work out best for all parts. Hopefully no one will find out. I'm not sure what I would do. Lina
@Lina........It sounds like your FWB guy is the one that didn't want to be in a relationship, so you don't owe him anything. Although, we don't know exactly what your arrangement is. (Some people are in a FWB arrangement but it's exclusive.) If you like this new guy why not go for it? It seems he's into you as well. We say there's no reason to tell about your tryst if you're going to move on anyway. (Something to be aware of: You do realize that at some point he'll figure it out, especially if this is his flatmate? Somehow people always find out these things.)
Hi Guys. Opinion needed. So I've been FWB with this guy (from my studygroup) for a couple of months. He just got out of a serious relationship before we startet this FWB-thing and told me he was heartbroken and did not want a new relationship. I'm totally fine with that (believe me I am). So here is my dilemma. I managed to have sex with one of his flatmates on a night out. The best situation ever. And this roomie/friend of his does not want to tell him, or let me tell him. Should I though? Does he have the right to know? Or is it the best thing not tell him and just end the whole FWB situation? Lina
@Erryn.......Since he contacted you let him take the initiative. At some point though you're going to need to sort this out by talking to one another and discussing what's going on. He can't keep coming and going as he pleases. We just don't see how that's going to be good for your emotional well being. Keep us posted.
we're not in a relationship. i would love to be. how do i approach him since i'm getting feedback?
@Erryn...If he wants to keep talking why don't you let him lead the conversation? Otherwise, just politely say you have to get off the phone. So are you getting back together? What's going on? Keep us posted.
Hi guys! I wanted to update you on my situation from above. I started to move on, yet again! He came back...but it was not for sex! I think he wanted to see me but didn't know how to ask So, I've started being a lot more assertive with him and we've been talking almost everyday since Friday. On Sunday, he told me that he has been an emotional wreck b/c of things going on in his life. We talked about it and i let him know that I really care about him and only want to see him happy. Today, we started talking and I fiiiinally got something out of him about how he feels about me. We talked about when we would see each other again b/c we're an hr apart. We've talked about the time we apend together and Idk how to keep the conconvo goin. He's at work, so I tried to let him go, but he wants to keep talking. Hellllp!! Idk what else to talk about!
@Ari......So the only difference between what you've got going with him and an actual committed relationship is the conversation. If you want to try the relationship deal as you say you need to talk with him about it. Obviously a lot has changed since you first started this—for you and him. Talk to him. Tell him what you want. See where he's at. And then go from there. If he freaks out, well that's an answer too. Just be careful not to settle for something you don't really want. Meaning, if he freaks, don't just take what you can get because you don't want to lose him. You deserve to have the whole deal, if not with him, someone else. Keep us posted as this progresses. Good luck.
Moved in with me , because he was tired of living with his brother , and I can understand why I lived with him and his bro in the app for 3 weeks . So he stays with me now. I would like to try the relationship deal because I'm curious as to what would happen. If nothing does cool we can stay like we are. If something happens , awesome ! He doesnt see it that way though =/ He also admits to being physically attracted to me , he just mentioned the no spark thing , months ago when we first met , neither of us have really brought it up since. In the four months that we've been in..whatever this is neither have us have seen or gone out with other people and we've almost been together 24/7 . By that I mean , Since we met 4 months ago , we've been close to inseperable . We saw each other every day for 2 weeks after we first met , and since then. He's either been staying at my place for weeks at a time , or vice versa. He doesnt mooch or anything either , he pays his way etc. The longest we've been apart since we met is 4 days.
@Ari......Wow, there's a lot here. First of all, you both can deny it all you want, but you are definitely in some sort of relationship beyond a FWB arrangement. But our question is, what do you really want? Is it possible he's reacting to your uncertainty? Just wondering. Also, why did he move in with you? That alone would take a FWB situation to a new level. That's a bit confusing. What we see here is a major blurring of lines. You both say one thing, but then do something else. Here's what we think before we get more info from you. If he really isn't feeling that special "spark"—and he's actually telling the truth—we don't see the point in being with him. He sure acts like he wants more but we think you need to get to the bottom of his comments. Is it because he doesn't feel attracted to you physically enough to commit? This is important. You might say, "Well then how can he want to have sex with me?" But they are different. Wanting to have sex with a woman and feeling that special physical spark are actually two different entities entirely. A guy can have sex with a woman he doesn't want a long term relationship, or marriage with, for....well, forever really. So be honest with yourself. If you truly want more, then you two need to start really talking about this and being honest with one another. (Watch our video on Friends with Benefits on our video page for more info) And check out our Relationship Memoirs page, especially Charlotte Pescale's, "Rebecca, a memoir." And please fill us in and feel free to ask a follow up question. ps. please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Well I'm a little confused right now. I got involved with this guy about 4 months ago , and we didnt have that *spark* or w/e when we first met so we decided to be just FwB's . But it seems like he's not being honest with me. Everyone around us , including his two best friends he's known for years , says that it's obvious he has feelings for me , and everyone says we're dating. We go everywhere together , he pays for everything (I offer , he insists) We go to movies , dinner , just out on the town . We never go anywhere without the other , and as of the last two weeks he's moved in with me , so now lives with me.(Also on that note , he decided that while he's living with me he's not going to see/date other girls that being said though , he hasnt dated or been with any other girls since we started this whole mess ,and we've been with each other almost every single day. Before he moved in with me he would visit for weeks on end or vice versa.) I was under the assumption FwB's have sex and that's it. But no we cuddle all the time , kisses , hugs , shower together , everything. And when he's drunk , he get's super lovey and calls me his girl , and all that. But whenever someone confronts him about it . He says he doesnt have those feelings but he sure as hell acts like it. I get a hug and a kiss , before he goes to work , and I get eskimo kisses all the time. Everyone around us says we're dating but he says we're just friends..he's very caring about what he says etc. If he upsets me or something he always trys to make it better by leaps and bounds. Never wants to do anything wrong or what not. Not sure if that's a sign or anything but heh.When he's drunk , he say's he cares , and wants more , but he's scared cause of his past . He's also said while not drunk , that we're not Fwb's we're something more , but why does it need a label. He also denies any of that stuff about him saying he wants more. Yet he remembers everything else he did while drunk. Also , at the begining of all this , he said he didnt want to do kisses or anything , that they were to intimate and should be limited to a relationship. But after his friends talking to him two weeks ago , and telling him he was being an idiot , and that they could tell he has feelings. He's starting giving me way more kisses , and he just seems different, Not a bad different , just different. He doesnt want to talk about it. When I try and ask him why he does things that makes it seem like we're dating , he kinda shuts down , and gets all broody. He doesnt correct people when they say we're dating , and he's even taking me to family events . He told his friend ,that accused him of "It's obvious you have feelings for her" His response to her was that , he was afraid of commitment because of all his bad relationships . So I dunno. I mean just the other day , we had someone think we we're married. We had just been joking around with each other etc. We get the "You guys argue like your married" comment alot , and when we're perfectly happy just joking around we get the "Are you two married" question alot.We've even had people tell us that we have that "Young love glow" I've been to family events with him usually stuff you only take your gf too , and now all his friends and family expect me to be with him when he goes for visits . He likes to turn it around on me and say that "I" am the one acting like I want a relationship , and that im making it not casual , even though he's the one , insisting on cuddling all the time , going out together , eskimo kisses , all that stuff he wants to do. I'm not opposed to the trying a relationship idea because im curious about it , but he's pretty steadfast in saying " I dont want to date anyone I dont have those feelings for" But he acts like he does , he spoils me rotten and he's even told me in his sleep and while drunk that he cares for me , in more then a fwb way , but he just flat oout denies it when I confront him with it. So I dont even know what's going on at this point. His friends who have been around him for years , say that it's obvious he has feelings for me , he's just being an idiot . But anyway , I'm not sure what exactly my question is , but opinions on this mess are welcome ! We are both happy btw . I want to try a relationship because I honestly dont think it would hurt anything and neither does anyone else. I see it as "If it works out cool" if not "cool we can still be besties with benifits" But he doesnt see it that way . He just flat out says it wouldnt work ..even though we get along so well and already act like it ? Anyway , opinions & Advice would be appreciated !
@Zara.....You said you've tried online dating? No luck? Many people—our single friends in their 40s and 50s— seem to be meeting that way honestly. You might want to give it another go. Match.com, or whatever else you think. Also, have you tried meetup.com ? Some friends have had some good luck with that as well. It's a way to meet people who want to meet people, but not necessarily for dating, although it often seems to go that way. Something to try. To your other concerns. Yes, things have changed. "THE RULES" certainly still apply but not in every case, and with every man. You're right, it's more about the individual these days. Probably the best recommendation we can give you is just try to be yourself. We know, that's probably not much help, but the minute you start over thinking things too much, you start to lose your authenticity. And based on our conversations with you, we imagine that's a huge part of what makes you attractive. Stay true to yourself, and if the guy can't handle it, well then it's time to move on to someone who can. We know you might say, there aren't enough guys to keep discarding them, but it's better to keep searching, than end up with a dud. Remember, one person's bad dream is another person's fantasy. We're sending positive thoughts your way.
I'm very assertive in my everyday life but put a guy in front of me that is interested in me and I'm interested in him and it's like I took stupid pills for breakfast and lose all perspective. I never know if I'm texting too much or too little, if he's shy and needs a little push or if he's taking his time. I come from a generation that never kissed on the first date, never asked a guy for his number or called them first and definitely never slept with a man or knit them a sweater unless you wanted to see him gone. These rules seem to have changed. Nowadays it depends more on the individual than on societal roles and that's what makes it so confusing. I've been called cold and soulless by one and clingy by the other. Quite honestly, I'm neither. (I'm expecting feedback, just so you know ) Here's another question: Where do women go to meet men in their forties other than bars and churches? PS. I'll be happy to make a donation, you guys are awesome!
@Zara.....Okay, this helps. We'll answer your questions one by one. 1. The only way to prevent this sort of thing is to get to know the guy a bit better BEFORE you sleep with him. We know you talked with him a while, but actual dates help. That way you'll be able to make a better assessment about his character and intentions. 2. The right guy will be happy with your forthcoming nature. But, give it a date or two before you come on too strong, and tell them exactly what you want. Guys like to feel like they have some control, but once again, the confident guy will be able to handle whatever you throw at him. 3. What kind of misinterpretations are you talking about? Or false assumptions? Guys aren't that different around the world. If they're attracted to you they will do whatever it takes to have sex with you, or try to date you. If they're not, they won't. Let us know what you mean. 4. Yes, it exists, but a situation like this takes time, just as any other relationship might. Because if you meet someone and propose this sort of arrangement they might agree right away, but that doesn't mean you can trust them. Having a monogamous relationship, even if it's just sexual, does require a lot of trust. Maybe you don't want all the intimacy and day-to-day connection, but you certainly don't want the guy sleeping around. (That's not safe or satisfying) 5. We're surprised. The guys we know who are dating in their 40s are looking for exactly what you want. A good time, good sex, but with no expectations of marriage. Although, we admit, many of those guys want to do this with as many women as they can. This is likely an age thing. Guys who are little bit older, and maybe divorced for a bit longer, would probably be more interested in the kind of arrangement you're proposing. Hope this helps. Feel free to keep the questions coming. ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.) No pressure of course. We're happy to answer any questions from anyone. We like to help out if we can. Take care.
I'm from Mexico. I was married for 14 years to an American. This is a whole other story of its own. The condensed version is that the marriage was not good from the get go and it took all I'd got to get out. I have 2 kids, 14 & 10. They live with me half the time. I'm not interested in marriage or living together while my kids are still in the house. After that I'm open to the possibilities but not holding my breath because at that point I'll be in my 50's. I've been divorced 3 years. I've tried online dating but didn't like it, made good friends that way though. I prefer face to face interaction seems more authentic to me.
@Zara......Before we answer your questions, it might help if you tell us where you're from. More information helps us put this all together. Also, we're assuming you haven't been married before—you don't sound like you're that interested in marriage in general. And so we'll also assume no kids. Please fill us in and we'll try and come up with a plan. Thanks.
I have LOTS of follow up questions actually. 1.How do I prevent this from happening in the future? 2.I am very forthcoming and straight forward, I've been told I come on too strong and intimidate men. (the men that've known me for a while always characterize me as a sweetheart, though) Should I tone it down? and how? 3.I'm a foreigner and not very experience with the dating rituals of this country. How can I learn rules, cues, no-no's, etc? I know I've scared a couple good men away just because of misinterpretations and false assumptions. 4.Like I mentioned before, I'm very busy, therefore the idea of having an exclusive lover was very appealing, I have every other aspect of my life fulfilled at the moment. Does this even exist? 5.The problem with dating after forty is that most men require more time that I can give right now and very few accept the concept of an independent woman that it's not looking for a "next husband" but for a steady partner. Am I totally of with my expectations?
@Zara.....We're sorry. This is a drag. He acted like an ass. Well, the two of you did agree to NSA, which means at the time you didn't care what he did, or whom he was with. Well then you ask, why did he say all of those things? And that would be a good question. It could be he was nervous, and started running his mouth, and was unable to stop. It could be that he's a good liar.(More likely) Or it could be that once you become a "conquest" he was ready to move on to the next pursuit. And saying all of those things is part of his little game he plays. (Also, more likely) Whatever it was—none of the choices are great—he's definitely not a reliable individual as you say. Far from that. But if you're looking for us to tell you that this behavior is a guy thing we can't really do that. Sure, some guys behave as we described above, but it's certainly not something a lot of guys would do. The ones who do we call (blank.) (Fill in whatever word you'd like, and it would be right.) We hope his behavior doesn't sour you on the whole dating scene. There are good guys out there. Hopefully the next guy you meet will be one of those. Your thoughts? Please feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question. ps.Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
@Erryn.....Now that we have more information we can see that dealing with this guy is just going to continue to be an exercise in frustration. The mixed signals aren't going to stop, so we think you're doing the right thing by moving on. Sure, he might drop back in your life at some point, but only to drop back out when he's gotten his fix. You deserve better than this. We know you care about him but please think hard before you settle for a guy who doesn't want to put the energy into a committed relationship. Good luck and take care. And feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question anytime.
Thanks for the quick reply. I don't contact him anymore. But I always stop contacting him and he always finds his way right back in. I had to lie to him once before to see if he had feelings for me. It worked, but I think it bothered him when I did it. 45% of the time, he does things to show me that he may care. I just can't deal with the mixed signals. I had told him that I was moving. He never asked when....just, will he get to see me before I leave? But, he never made an effort to see me. The next time we talked, I was in the place where I had planned to moved, but after some time I changed my mind. He didn't know because we no longer talk allll the time. He's always KINDA been like this. Like, talking every few weeks or so...but since I told him, the first time about my feelings, he's has stepped waaay back. But, back to the story. He asked had I already moved, so I lied and said yes. He says "so i guess i'll never get to see you again huh?" i didn't know how to take that. and he never really calls me by my name. always hun, dear, and the newest is boo. and I can't just ask him to coffee or lunch..etc.. We live an hr apart. he's new to a nearby city and works from like 3p-midnight. I want to move on but for some reason, I have a tiny bit of hope for us. Like I said, I reeeeally care about him. Idk if I'm in love because I don't know what that feels like. But, I do know that I don't want to be without him in my life. I also know that I need to show him that he can't just ignore my feelings. Since he hasn't responded, I won't be contacting him anymore. I can't keep setting myself up for failure. He's to the point that he won't even reply to a simple "hey".
Ok. Here's my story. First of all I'm in my 40's & in graduate school for another year...very busy. This guy pursued me for over 5 months until I finally gave him my number. It became very clear that he didn't want anything serious and after a few months of consideration and endless conversations I figured, why not? Up until this point we had only kissed once and he'd never made a pass at me in person, always stating that he couldn't because I was the first woman that he respected since his divorce, but in emails he would say he wanted to have sex with me. We agreed NSA & no promises and I called him up one night to go over. Sex was ok mainly because I was very nervous since I had never done something like that before. He made it very pleasant and easy though. afterwards he asked me to spend the night, so I did. Then he started talking about the "future" making comments like "I'm a great cook, you'll see", "I hope my sense of humor doesn't get to you and you stick arround" or "I won't cut my hair if you like it this way". This threw me off because I felt he was longing to connect. Next morning he was kind but I could sense something was different. He kissed me goodbye and said "until we meet again"...5 days later he sent me an e-mail telling me that he had met someone else out of the blue and to please not hold it against him..."your friend for ever, blah, blah, blah". I replied telling him I could no longer regard him as a reliable individual and to do me a favor and lose my number. Can you guys please explain this man to me?
@Erryn.....You absolutely deserve an answer to your question. And six months is certainly plenty of time for him to know how he feels, and what he wants. The fact that he's basically ignoring your question is not the greatest sign. It kind of goes along with his sporadic behavior—the fact that he doesn't contact you for weeks, then reappears just as you're ready to move one. Our advice: Stop texting him, especially about your feelings. (Way too important for a text or email) Instead, ask him out for coffee, or lunch, or something during the day. He doesn't need to know why you're asking him out, so just ask him. And then when you're together, you need to lay it all out to him. And he needs to give you an answer! FYI: Avoiding an answer IS an answer. If he refuses to discuss this with you, then it's time to move on. If he stalls for more than a few weeks, we'd say don't bother. And honestly, he doesn't seem ready. But we hope for your sake he is. Good luck, and please keep us posted. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi guys. Background: He's twice divorced 2 kids Has experienced some crazy chicks and has been cheated on and has cheated. I have 1 child, never been married, never been in a relationship. I've been "talking" to this guy or 6 months now. We met online. He pursued me. But, we established in the beginning what we were both looking for....friendship/ relationship...We agreed that before a relationship,we must establish a relationship first. We have really cool friendship. We had sex the second time we met. Bad, I know. But, on my part, it wasn't planned. Since then, we've done it 2 times. Ok. I have developed feelings for him. Really deep feelings. I asked him how he felt about me 3 months ago. I wasn't asking him out. Just seeing how he really feels. He didn't respond. I recently did it again..3 mo. Later....laying it all out...before I did it in a brief text.... And it's been 4 days...no reply. I feel like we really do have a very strong connection and I love love looove being with him. Is it wrong to express my feelings for him if he won't open up to me? Sometimes we go 2 weeks or more without talking. Just as I decide to move on, he comes back into my life..every time!!! I felt that now is appropriate ask about our status. I'm tired of waiting, wondering and assuming. What do you think is going on with him? And should I keep waiting for him to come around or respond to My question? I need closure to move on. And I really like him.....I can't move on without a definite answer.
@sammy64.........Have you watched our video on "Friends with Benefits" or read the script? We think you should. (See our Video Page) The thing is, these types of arrangements rarely evolve into anything more, so we're not huge fans. We think you need to have THE TALK. See where you stand, get him to define the relationship, and be honest with him and tell him what you want. (A real relationship!) One note: You do realize that paying for top class escorts is a huge red flag. Don't you? We'd like to hear your thoughts on this. But check out the video first. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Im a little bit confused. I understand friends with benefits but this bloke I met on a dating site and seen for three weeks has stated that he wants to be friends with benefits. I agreed because we get on so well and the sex is amazing. I understand he has been let down by relationships. He confides in me, we get on really well. He has however stated that he does not want me seeing other guys. and that we have a connection. He rings every night and texts me every day. I am a little confused as to does he really have feelings for me and do you think in time he will want more from the once a week meeting (mainly becuase of distance) He admits he likes paying for top class escorts.
By normal, i meant friends, just friends. After which for some reason he started chasing me again. Then the same thing happened, we hooked up and then not talk for a while, then make up and the cycle never ended. Finally i spoke to guy and told him clearly where we stand.. nothing more than friends with benefits because there's high chemistry and physical attraction but neither of us are ready for a relationship and neither of us are dating anyone else seriously, so why not?
@Tans.........So what do you mean normal? Normal, as in, Friends with Benefits? Or normal, as in a relationship? Or normal, as in, a friendship? Honestly, the whole situation seems a bit unclear, which means it's hard to say what normal actually is. Also, we're not fans of a Friends with Benefits arrangement. They usually don't end well. Also, what exactly do you want from this guy? Friendship, relationship or what? ps. You might be interested in reading some of the "Relationship Memoirs" page. Some really good women writers on there. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
hey,I was datin this guy a few months bck but he broke up saying he had someone else and I didnt react or act all girly.I said oh ok and moved on with my life.After a while he came back and when i confrnted him about the other girl, who honestly feels like a figment of his imagination coz no one has ever seen or heard about her. Anyway, we hooked up a couple of times, and he was always on and off, hiding in his shell at every possibility of getting closer to me. One night he came to my door at 4am, drunk, begging me to talk and saying he cant stop thinking about me, and that he is falling for me but is scared coz in his past he got badly left behind, and believes I would do the same. The next mrng when i asked him, he said he was trying to distance himself from me all this time,thats why he had been acting weird. Anyway he retreated into his shell again. But when he came out we spoke clearly and decided to be Friends With Benfits, i explained to him that this meant that if he saw me with another guy, he dont react which happened just a few weeks before this conversation. He agreed, but when he left my room the next morning he shelled up again and finally i just sent him a long mail saying everything i wanted to and felt like. He replied positively and it went well for a week or two but then he avoided meeting up. Everytime we decided to "meet up" (both initiated the idea of meeting equally) he bailed last minute. To which i got frutrated and wrote to him "fine, i wont ever ask again.have fun" after which we havent spoken at all. how do i get him back to normal?
@Date Girl......Nice to see you! Where have you been?! We'll have to come visit soon.
Oh man...I remember my delusional 21year old naive self thinking I could turn a Friends with Benefits situation into something more. Cue 5 years of the most intense roller coaster of emotional mind games I've ever experienced. It was so terrible how we were to each other. You said it best, RUN. Run as fast as you can away from those FWBs.
@Julliett........Thanks for your question. This sounds like a classic case of guy jealousy. It seems like both of you have always been a bit uncertain about the relationship you have. Part of that likely stems from the fact that both of you were playing it safe and not wanting to reveal your true feelings. It's hard to really evaluate any relationship without both parties coming clean and being honest. Which is one of the reasons we think FWB arrangements are a bad idea in general. The very nature of that arrangement is a relationship in limbo. You do intimate things with each other, yet there's no real emotional connection to round out the picture. And all this does is lead to confusion sooner or later. In your case, once you started seeing this other guy your "friend" got jealous and didn't want you to be with this other guy. Here's the catch. That doesn't mean he wanted you himself, even if he convinced himself he did. It just means that guys are very territorial and sometimes they convince themselves they feel a certain way about a woman, when really it's about not allowing another man to take what they think is theirs. He wasn't being deceitful really—at least we don't think so—he's just not very self-aware. Sorry. We can totally understand that you'd be pissed off at him. Being treated like that doesn't feel great. And just because he's a guy doesn't mean it's an excuse to behave that way. The best thing you can do is try to move on and don't let him try to derail you the next time. Finally: If he does have a change of heart and you really want to give this a try, then you need to start dating him as if you just met, and not sleep together for a while. We're not saying this is a good idea or a bad idea, but we know relationships are complicated and it sounds like you have some feelings for him even if he was a jerk. But remember Julliett, you have to take care of yourself first. And if that means moving on, then that's what you need to do. Some things to think about. Feel free to ask a follow up question or another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Alright Guys, So I met this guy a couple years ago, right after I myself, went through a horrible break up after two years. He was "in the process" of being with a different girl, but still had sex with me a time or two before the final decision was made. We texted everyday, all day so a pretty great friendship was built up. But once the girl told him she didn't want a relationship with him, he instantly got a hold of me and wanted me to come over, etc. So we started our little thing knowing that the other didn't want anything serious and it worked out fine for awhile. But then everything started getting a little fuzzy. Whenever he would leave he would kiss me goodbye, a few times, no matter who was in the room with us, he would get drunk and tell me that he missed me, even when I was back visiting family and there was no way for me to see him, when he got drunk when I was around, he would say things like "you're just scared to speak your mind because you don't want to ruin what we have." It was just weird. So we would just stop talking and seeing each other for a few months, then start it all back up again. So awhile ago, I slept with him again, just a bit before I started trying to get serious with another guy. A real relationship started with the other guy and at first my FWB handled it pretty well. But then we started talking every day again, because he initiated the conversation, and things just got really confusing. He was always trying to talk me out of my new relationship, calling me to have 3 hour phone conversations at 3 in the morning, always asking how we as a couple were doing when I asked for advice and what not. And then on NYE he kept texting me all night and then next day he told me he did indeed like me as more than a friend and it kind of blew me away that he was actually admitting those feelings. So after my relationship didn't work out, I went back to sleep with him again, knowing my emotions were seperated from the situation, because after so long of being unsure, you just learn to seperate them. So here we are, after 2 years of knowing and sleeping with this kid. He's about to graduate college and I'm super proud of him. But after the last time we had sex, he just stopped talking to me. When I finally got to talk to him he said he "just didn't have time" and that "we needed to move on eventually". Even though these were things I knew would happen, I'm still a little pissed at the way he went about it. So I guess my question would be, what the hell is up with him?
@Jennifer.......It's only worth discussing if you really want something to develop. And more than just a friendship. Do you? Maybe he's not sure how you feel so he's playing it safe. Or it's possible he's not interested in more, or just doesn't see you that way? It's hard for us to say. It could go either way, but the only way to find out is to talk to him. You're good enough friends to have an open and honest discussion. Good luck.
So there is this guy I have been friends with since childhood, we are very close he knows I've liked him for a long time, I became recently available (no longer in relationship) the day he finally found out he changed. He started flirting more openly an started texting more sexually. It's been 7 months ive told him how i felt numerous times, he said he also likes me, and besides us kissing there is nothing else he is doing. We have become closer we text every night before bed (he never calls) and he says he wants me to be more comfortable and open with him. Does he like me? Is it just sexual attraction? And is it worth me discussing with him
@Khaela......We left you a comment on the post, "Private talk"
I live in a different state now, but whenever I go back home I go see him. As a couple we never had sex, because I was a virgin then(22) I dated a guy in my current location(Who I lost my virginity to at 23) but it didn't work. On a visit back home over 2yrs ago, my Ex and I had sex for the 1st time with each other. We always stayed close even before that. He would message me to see how things were and I did the same. He said he missed me and sometimes we flirted. I've always cared for him, but for a while we stopped talking b/c I finally got the nerve to tell him how I still felt and he said he wasn't looking for sex or a relationship, & he wanted to work on his relationship with God. I respected that and I felt the same myself. But I just wanted to know his feelings for me. So he responded again by saying "Let's just be friends and keep it as that." I was hurt, so I stopped talking to him b/c it hurt me, even though I live hundreds of miles away. Before I moved away he said he had feelings for me but since I was leaving, he tried not getting too attached. So I couldn't believe why he said what he said. A year passed and we came into contact again and started back talking (as friends) Just recently(March 2012) I went back home, and he wanted to see me. We talked for hours catching up. He asked if I had a BF and when I said no, he was shocked and wanted to know why not. Later that night he started making moves on me. He gave me the best massage ever and some other foreplay moves. He asked when was the last time I had sex, I told him 18months. I was embarrassed but he didn't react any type of way. He started to undress me and we had sex. But during the sex he says "You know we shouldn't be doing this right?" What did he mean? This was our 1st time seeing each other in a little over 2yrs. I saw him 1 more time before I left but not for sex, just to hang out. But he asked me to stay the night with him. He didn't try anything, we just slept. The next morning I dropped him off somewhere and he said how much! he loves that state and how could I have moved away. I told him why but added that I didn't know what God had planned down the road. Before getting out the car he hugs me, and says he hopes to see me on my next trip and that maybe we can work on me moving back. What did he mean by that? Does it mean he still cares? If I lived there again, would we be together? I'm afraid to ask him because of the last time I tried that. Not all our visits were sexual, sometimes he would just want me to spend the night while I'm in town. Even before we started having sex, and we would just hang out, he always looks me in the eye, and he listens. He's dated since me but is single, I've dated a little but I've never felt the way I feel about him about any other Guy. I've only been with 3 guys, he was the 2nd, But we have the longest history. We are 25 and 26 now. After all these yrs we still deal with each other. Why? What's your perspective? Thanks in advance :)
Yep, thanks.. I'm just glad he admitted it, because if he didn't then I would have still been showing him stuff just to keep him intrigued and still like me.
@S......Yeah, it sounds like this guy was looking for something you weren't interested in giving. It's a red flag when someone wants to see pictures of you naked and you don't even know them very well. Be careful out there. Once you put stuff out into the web it's very difficult to remove it completely.
So there was this kid that I likes on a website and we started chatting and doing stuff on Skype. Eventually I said something about him if he found someone better since we live pretty far away, and he admitted that he was kinda telling me the truth about liking me, but he mostly wanted to see me naked. Also he thought the 2 year age differences was too much...eventually he decided that we shouldn't talk anymore, even though I was the one helping him out. Basically I got nothing out of it. Not fair.
I don't like the idea of having friends with benefits. I don't like to invest an effort or feelings for someone that is not that serious. I'ved watched the series Friend with benefits on tv and i don't like it.
@Abbie......Honestly Abbie, you're just going to prolong the inevitable. And how do you think you're going to feel after the two months is up? It's likely getting over him will be even more difficult than it is now. Breakups are very hard. And we're sorry you're struggling with this. The only way we see the two of you hanging out for the last two months before you leave is to have a very casual relationship where he can also be free to do his own thing. But we're not recommending this. We think it's going to be dissatisfying and you're going to end up being more resentful and hurt.
My ex-boyfriend and I were both 18 and together for 5 months and the relationship was beautiful, he made me feel special and was very affectionate when he was with me, what i felt for him was nothing like i've experienced before - my mood was always lifted whenever i was around him. He told me he had never felt so happy with anyone else and I meant the world to him. Now we have broken up, I confronted him about not making time to see me and leaving me feeling not important to him anymore. He said that I deserve better and he wouldnt be able to make enough time to see me, as he started working loads of hours. Also I might be moving away in 6 months for Uni and he stated he can't do long-distance relationships. So now we're no longer together, i feel lost and want another chance, i still love him and he might do too. I only confronted him because I wanted to understand his situation, but I think he took it the wrong way and got defensive about it. I know that if we had another go I wouldnt be annoyed about it anymore. When he said that I deserve someone better, I don't think he knows how much he means to me and how difficult my life would be before I go to Uni. I want to tell him how much he means to me and ask if he could give me another chance for a few more months. I'm aware that when I go to Uni we are unlikely to work, but I'd rather enjoy the few months we have left than to break up like this. Can I convince him to give me another chance and be together for the remaining time we have left? He also said that he needs time alone as he never has any, what does he mean by that? I don't know whether I should just get over it, or see whether i'll tell him how I feel to see if he'll give me a second chance and enjoy the remaining time we have together. Because we live close-by and in a village, theres not many other people to talk to for comfort and all my close friends are at Uni and I can't drive either, so I'll be alone and it'll be difficult to get over it. I strongly believe that it's possible for us to enjoy the time we have and get back together temporarily, yet I don't know how to go about it. Advice? Abbie