Am I a booty call?

Dear Guys,

First, thank you in advance for your time!

I am 41, physically attractive and fit female (look 10 years younger), mechanical engineer (but no longer in the field).  No kids.  Very social, love travelling, love other cultures, and have a great time with friends.  Two divorces, 16 years apart (second one not yet final, been dragging for months with asset division but marriage has been dead for a long time).  I am white/native american.  I am spiritual but not religious – I do a lot of meditating, kirtan, etc (which is in line with my boyfriend’s upbringing).  HE is 25 (no, the age gap wasn’t intentional, each thought the other was 30-ish initially til we actually talked age).  East Indian, but born in the US.  Hindu.  Never married, one other girlfriend in the past (Muslim girl, total disaster), several dates, but no other serious relationships.  Constantly surrounded by women (all friends) and his facebook shows it.  Life of the party.  Still finding his way with respect to career.  WE have an insane amount of common interests and lifestyle.  I’ve been extremely encouraging regarding career options, academics, etc.  I’ve carried more than my weight financially in the relationship.  He has the keys to my house, my cars, and, frankly, my heart.  He still goes back to his apartment (that I’m not allowed to enter) most nights of the week (no, not a girl there -he has a male roommate that I know).  We have been dating for almost six months, he asked me to be his girlfriend almost three months ago.  He DOES introduce me to his local friends.  His family DOES NOT have one single clue about me, even though they live part time in this same town.  His younger brother and some cousins are the only ones that can see his facebook (his parents are blocked).  Still, while I am tagging photos of us and writing nice things about him occasionally on my “wall” he has not written one single thing about me on his.  He still lists himself as single.  Tonight, in my frustration, I did the same.

Until now, I have made a point to be complimentary, do all the “little things” to foster a good, secure relationship, give him massages and hugs and kisses every day…basically he’s got it pretty easy.  Last week I even looked up online how to write “I love you” in Gujarati, his native language, and gave it to him.  I sent him an e-card for Diwali end of October.  But I cannot be around any of his family.  He is currently in Vegas for an Indian wedding (on his dad’s side).  After he delayed a phone call to me by three hours (he admitted that every time he felt his phone vibrate he knew it was me wondering why he hasn’t called), he stepped out to return my call.  I told him that if I wasn’t such a big secret then he COULD answer texts or calls in front of the family.  He said I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is right now.  I asked for how long.  He said he doesn’t know, but that’s the way it is.  This is the second time in two weeks I’ve brought it up that I am upset about his family not knowing about me/us.

He’s been absolutely wonderful in every other area – very positive and supportive through the uncertainties of my divorce, encouraging me in my own rental business and in life in general, etc.  The only problems are 1) me being a secret, and 2) not returning texts and calls.  As I type this, I feel like an idiot, like the writing is on the wall – I am nothing more than a sugar momma or a booty call for him, and he just acts nice in other times to keep the supply coming.   But there is still one shred of me that wonders if it IS a cultural thing, if he IS waiting for the right moment to tell them about me (when they are not disappointed in his failure to start a career?).  But I am short on time biologically, and I need some advice on whether I should wait it out or cut and run.

Thanks again!!  Sorry for the length of the question!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for writing to us.

We hate to be the bearers of unpleasant news, but it sounds like your assessment is probably accurate. We wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re only a “booty” call, but the current situation is unlikely to change.

You sound like a smart, loving, and giving person. We’re sure he appreciates all of those qualities in you. Based on his limited experience, you’re probably a breath of fresh air for him. We’re sure he’s learning a lot on how to have a relationship, among other things, but we doubt that he’s thinking of you as someone long term. Remember, he could merrily go on his way for years with you and still not even be thirty. We don’t think that’s something you want to do since you mention your biological clock.

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and ask him directly where he sees your relationship going. The problem is, not only is he only 25, but he’s an inexperienced 25. For guys, that’s right around the time where they start to catch up to women from a maturity standpoint. (It takes us a bit longer.) So his head may be at a completely different place in two years or five years. If he asks you to be patient, and tells you he plans to tell his family at some point, you have to decide if you want to wait.

His heritage may be playing a factor here, but if it is, it’s not the biggest factor. It’s more likely the difference in your age, and life experience. It’s never a good thing when someone hides their relationship from their family. He should want to tell everyone he knows how wonderful, cool, and hot his new girlfriend is. The fact that he’s not doing that now, doesn’t bode well for the future.

Please speak with him. And good luck. We wish you the best.


THE GUYS

ps. If any of you have relationship questions, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page here on our website. Or call us at: 347-855-GUYS and leave us a message. We’ll try to answer your question here or on our podcast. We do our best, but can’t always get to every question.

15 Comments on Am I a booty call?

  1. I agree with the guys. Like you said, “he’s got it pretty easy.” He has no reason to upset the apple cart. If the problem is with his family, either culturally or just their family dynamic, you should realize that it is unlikely to change. If a guy is that bound by, or afraid of his family, it’s rare that he’ll break free.

    I think you should either break free yourself, or become accustomed to being a second-class citizen.

    You sound like a “catch.” You can do better.

  2. Hey Sai, I’m so glad to see the blog aspect of the Guy’s Perspective back up again. I think these letters, and the way you respond to your readers, are such a great part of what you do.

    I totally agree with your assessment of the writer’s situation. For him to keep his ‘girlfriend’ a secret to his family, to list himself as ‘single’ on FB, and to not return those calls and texts is extremely disrespectful.

    I also don’t see the situation as improving. He sounds like a very selfish person–he’s getting what he wants/needs out of the relationship but doesn’t seem to care much about the things that are really important to his partner–and if he’s doing that before living together or getting married–believe me–that same type of selfishness would manifest in other ways (probably even more hurtful) if the relationship were ever to advance to living together or getting married. But I doubt it will ever progress that far–because he obviously isn’t ready for it.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t an arranged relationships lurking in the background. Those are still very common in many families–even one’s that appear outwardly more westernized.

    I wish the writer all the luck but my advice would be to cut her losses and find the guy who is proud to call her his girlfriend–so proud he wants to shout it to the world. It took me almost 10 years to find Prince Charming–but it was totally worth all the time it took (not to mention all those toads I had to kiss in the process!).

    Take care,

    Melinda

  3. I agree with the guys. Melissa, I know its hard cause you care about him. Don’t give up before talking to him. Communication is always the key. He’s young and inexperienced and perhaps a little clueless. Talk it out and see what happens. If nothing changes, then pack up and move on.

  4. I may be overly cautions, but a couple of things jump out at me here. The first is that at age 25, he still doesn’t know where he is heading career-wise, and that he has the keys to your house, car, etc., AND he sleeps at his own place most of the time. That is sort of a red flag for me.

    The fact that he hasn’t introduced you to his family may mean that they would object to his being involved with an older woman, from a cultural standpoint. It could also mean that his family may have picked out a young woman from their culture as a good match, and are encouraging him to be with her.

    I think it’s nice that you think you have so much in common, but maybe you only THINK you do.

    I wish you good luck with this relationship, and I hope you will find happiness–if not with him, then with someone else.

  5. Even though he’s being a bit of a jerk by not admitting you two are an item, you’re also being kind of pushy on the issue. I think if you feel like you have to call a guy repeatedly, or beg to meet his family, odds are things are not going to end well for you two. I’m sorry to say but this guy is just not that into you. I’ve been with guys like that, and chances are things aren’t going to change on his end. Best of luck but I think you’re better off with someone who is in the same place as you. Otherwise you’re always going to be the one calling and wishing he’d make more of a commitment.

  6. Hi Everyone!

    I have an update of sorts. Last night he invited me out with his roommate, roommate’s brother, and HIS OWN brother. First time I’ve met any family whatsoever! We went bowling and had a blast! I also got to actually step into his apartment for the first time and watched a movie with everyone. I must have felt the same way my cats do when they rush into one of my guest rooms (they are never allowed).

    Having said that, I haven’t seen him today BUT it was by my own design. I didn’t text or call him and made him make the first move. When he called and offered for me to come over this afternoon before he’d have to leave for his brother’s birthday dinner, I politely declined, saying I did not feel like driving back and forth all over town (we are 40 minutes apart) just to spend an hour with him. He then promised he would come over right after the dinner. So….maybe I should just pull back and start examining other options. Seems like a win-win to me: he gets the point that I HAVE options, starts to miss me, and make a better effort; OR I can meet someone in the interim who does treat me with the respect, attention, and kindness I deserve.

    I’ll keep you posted!

    ~Melissa

  7. @Everyone…..thanks for your great feedback and insights. Invaluable!

    @Melissa……………..Thanks for the update. Please keep us posted. It sounds like you’re doing
    the right thing. Take care.

  8. Another update….

    Well, I finally sat him down and had a heart-to-heart. I explained that while six months ago I was not looking for anything more than someone to hang out with, things obviously changed (this part is not a new conversation, we’ve had it before). I reiterated that it seems he has all the things I have looked for in someone. I asked him where this is going in HIS mind.

    He said there are no problems in our relationship, and he likes the way this is going. He also said that he is not ready to settle down, there are things that he wants to do and he doesn’t think he will be ready for another few years. But that we have no problems, so what is wrong? That has been said before, so I pushed it a little further – I told him I agree we are extremely compatable, and this is one of the best relationships I’ve had with someone. HOWEVER, this is where my age is a problem: while I wish I could sit on the sidelines and cheer him on until he is ready to settle down, I don’t have 2-5 years to do that. I am not 25, or even 35. I told him I care so deeply for him, but if I am going to have my own family, I don’t have that much time. And it is selfish (of him) if I am going to spend months or years waiting for him to be ready if this isn’t headed to a permanent commitment, because I am going to need time to heal and find someone else who IS ready, if I can even find another match. He just stared into the distance the whole time I said that, which was heartbreaking for me.

    I asked if we could revisit this in a few more months and he agreed, and when I got up to walk away he grabbed my hand and pulled me back and held me for a while. I think he does want to pursue something more, but he is still finding his way and trying to make his own life, and he can’t seem to make the two fit. He has been even more complimentary since then, but I imagine he’s got a bit of an internal battle going. Time will tell….and I’ll be sure to post what happens.

  9. Thanks for letting all of us know what’s going on. It’s good that you talked with him, and that he knows where you’re coming from. Please keep us posted.

    And take care.

  10. Governor Bradford // January 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm //

    Enter your comments here…Hi Mellissa. I’m sorry to see you in such a situation and it’s tough to pull away when your clearly care about your friend. I do believe that the age difference has alot to do with how things are going here as well as some family differences on his part. Not introducing you to his family is a classic tell tale sign of it’s time to bail. As a woman in her forties you can’t afford to waste time on non-sense coming from a young and inexperienced man. He has no asset base and will not be able to pull his weight fast enough. At this time he is not your equal Mellissa, and it will take him long while to come even close.

  11. Hi Guys!

    The saga continues…but we are a little further along than we were back in December. Now he invites me to his apartment, and I have stayed there a few times. He also told me he needs to work on breaking the news to his parents, and that we will all have dinner together soon. In fairness, I am giving him until my divorce is final (more delays, hoping for March). He never said “I love you” until first weekend of December, and it was in response to me saying it. Now, the last couple of weeks, he will tell me unprovoked. I think he has been extra careful in this relationship and I am trying to be as patient as possible. He still says he has no idea what his life will be like in 2 years, but I know he doesn’t want this to end.

    I have gotten more insight regarding what stage he’s at in his life, and I have to say it’s not encouraging. He still is very unsure about his career path. He has a good idea of what he THINKS he wants to do, but is having a hard time moving from A to C to get there. To complicate things, I believe he subconsciously blew his chances at registering for this spring semester’s classes. Having stepkids close to his age (hold those comments!!), what I see is someone who isn’t wanting to accept the responsibilities of an adult. He wants the carefree lifestyle of having a fun college-ish job and going out a lot, without settling down. I understand he doesn’t want to have to punch a clock and do the whole corporate gig (thank goodness I’m beyond that now and only report to myself!), but if he wants to take on the challenges of owning his own business I think he needs to hustle and get the ball rolling.

    So at this point, I ask The Guys, how can I enable him to make that leap (jobwise) without him feeling pressured? I don’t care if I end up making more money than he does, but I do care whether or not the person I’m with is giving things a good effort instead of coasting. I know I busted my butt for a loooong time before I got to this point; while having a lot of fun and enjoying each day is important, having a good work ethic is also important to me. Suggestions??

    Thanks!
    ~Melissa

  12. Melissa // June 8, 2011 at 7:59 am //

    An update:

    The week my boyfriend was to tell his parents about us, FINALLY…his mother found out through the grapevine. She was livid. Threatened to disown him if we continue. Refuses to even meet me, says she will NOT have an older, white, american woman for a daughter in law.

    She rode him hard for six days, then left on vacation.

    He broke up with me four days ago. Solely because his mother was being so melodramatic.

    From the first day the blowup occurred (2 weeks ago) I began polling my Indian friends and acquaintances. Some had been through this drama themselves, others were baffled that Indian families are still being so controlling and racist. I also researched the topic heavily online in message boards. Overwhelmingly, this was the outcome: initially, the Indian mother will get completely bent out of shape and make threats, the two most common being 1) we will disown you, or 2) I am going to kill myself so I don’t have to face the disgrace you are bringing to the family. What a load of drama!! But anyway, also overwhelmingly, the kids that stood their ground and fought for what they believed in eventually won acceptance of their mate by their parents (as long as the mate wasn’t a nutjob themselves).

    At any rate, no matter how much of this I presented to my boyfriend, he insisted his family is different, he can’t overcome what they expect. I can’t blame him for thinking that way, his family has apparently tried to control and manipulate and guilt-trip him his whole 25 years of existence. He just doesn’t know any better.

    Having said that, now he is saying he feels he should stand his ground for us, but that he doesn’t think he will be able to fight a long fight. He acts distant around me, like it’s already over or he’s preparing himself for that.

    He talks to them later this week. We’ll see what pans out. Meanwhile, I am going away on a road trip for a week to give him space and, hopefully, so he misses me and realizes what he had.

    ~Melissa

  13. @Melissa…….thanks for keeping us informed. We’re really sorry to hear he capitulated under his mother’s pressure. Let us know. Remember, ultimately he needs to stand up and “fight” for the two of you. If he doesn’t that’s not something you should ignore. Take care.

  14. Melissa // June 17, 2011 at 5:29 am //

    It’s over.

    What is sad, is he finally admitted that almost from the beginning he knew we didn’t have a future but he kept telling me whatever he could to keep this going. He also admitted he has been living a life of lies for the last 2-3 years and has hurt a lot of people.

    I was baffled that I walked into the SAME relationship I had just gotten out of last year. I had my radar on full force and he still managed to logically talk his way out of every flag that popped up (one of the arguments presented was I was hypervigilant about stuff because of what I went through with my last relationship, and that I should just relax, be happy, this relationship isn’t going to end).

    He is moving back to MI and into his parents’ place by the end of this month. They demanded it to get him clean and sober and responsible. However, since I now KNOW what kind of personality I am dealing with, I also know that he won’t get sober and responsible. He will just get better at covering up the lies.

    End of THAT chapter…

  15. @Melissa…….we’re sorry. It’s too bad he wasn’t able to be honest with you from the beginning, but at least you now have some closure. We wish you the best. With your positive attitude, and upbeat personality we’re sure you’ll meet some great guy in the near future. (If that’s what you want of course.) :)

    And please keep us posted on how things are going. Take care.

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