Dear Guys,

First, thank you in advance for your time!

I am 41, physically attractive and fit female (look 10 years younger), mechanical engineer (but no longer in the field).  No kids.  Very social, love travelling, love other cultures, and have a great time with friends.  Two divorces, 16 years apart (second one not yet final, been dragging for months with asset division but marriage has been dead for a long time).  I am white/native american.  I am spiritual but not religious – I do a lot of meditating, kirtan, etc (which is in line with my boyfriend’s upbringing).  HE is 25 (no, the age gap wasn’t intentional, each thought the other was 30-ish initially til we actually talked age).  East Indian, but born in the US.  Hindu.  Never married, one other girlfriend in the past (Muslim girl, total disaster), several dates, but no other serious relationships.  Constantly surrounded by women (all friends) and his facebook shows it.  Life of the party.  Still finding his way with respect to career.  WE have an insane amount of common interests and lifestyle.  I’ve been extremely encouraging regarding career options, academics, etc.  I’ve carried more than my weight financially in the relationship.  He has the keys to my house, my cars, and, frankly, my heart.  He still goes back to his apartment (that I’m not allowed to enter) most nights of the week (no, not a girl there -he has a male roommate that I know).  We have been dating for almost six months, he asked me to be his girlfriend almost three months ago.  He DOES introduce me to his local friends.  His family DOES NOT have one single clue about me, even though they live part time in this same town.  His younger brother and some cousins are the only ones that can see his facebook (his parents are blocked).  Still, while I am tagging photos of us and writing nice things about him occasionally on my “wall” he has not written one single thing about me on his.  He still lists himself as single.  Tonight, in my frustration, I did the same.

Until now, I have made a point to be complimentary, do all the “little things” to foster a good, secure relationship, give him massages and hugs and kisses every day…basically he’s got it pretty easy.  Last week I even looked up online how to write “I love you” in Gujarati, his native language, and gave it to him.  I sent him an e-card for Diwali end of October.  But I cannot be around any of his family.  He is currently in Vegas for an Indian wedding (on his dad’s side).  After he delayed a phone call to me by three hours (he admitted that every time he felt his phone vibrate he knew it was me wondering why he hasn’t called), he stepped out to return my call.  I told him that if I wasn’t such a big secret then he COULD answer texts or calls in front of the family.  He said I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is right now.  I asked for how long.  He said he doesn’t know, but that’s the way it is.  This is the second time in two weeks I’ve brought it up that I am upset about his family not knowing about me/us.

He’s been absolutely wonderful in every other area – very positive and supportive through the uncertainties of my divorce, encouraging me in my own rental business and in life in general, etc.  The only problems are 1) me being a secret, and 2) not returning texts and calls.  As I type this, I feel like an idiot, like the writing is on the wall – I am nothing more than a sugar momma or a booty call for him, and he just acts nice in other times to keep the supply coming.   But there is still one shred of me that wonders if it IS a cultural thing, if he IS waiting for the right moment to tell them about me (when they are not disappointed in his failure to start a career?).  But I am short on time biologically, and I need some advice on whether I should wait it out or cut and run.

Thanks again!!  Sorry for the length of the question!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thanks for writing to us.

We hate to be the bearers of unpleasant news, but it sounds like your assessment is probably accurate. We wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re only a “booty” call, but the current situation is unlikely to change.

You sound like a smart, loving, and giving person. We’re sure he appreciates all of those qualities in you. Based on his limited experience, you’re probably a breath of fresh air for him. We’re sure he’s learning a lot on how to have a relationship, among other things, but we doubt that he’s thinking of you as someone long term. Remember, he could merrily go on his way for years with you and still not even be thirty. We don’t think that’s something you want to do since you mention your biological clock.

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and ask him directly where he sees your relationship going. The problem is, not only is he only 25, but he’s an inexperienced 25. For guys, that’s right around the time where they start to catch up to women from a maturity standpoint. (It takes us a bit longer.) So his head may be at a completely different place in two years or five years. If he asks you to be patient, and tells you he plans to tell his family at some point, you have to decide if you want to wait.

His heritage may be playing a factor here, but if it is, it’s not the biggest factor. It’s more likely the difference in your age, and life experience. It’s never a good thing when someone hides their relationship from their family. He should want to tell everyone he knows how wonderful, cool, and hot his new girlfriend is. The fact that he’s not doing that now, doesn’t bode well for the future.

Please speak with him. And good luck. We wish you the best.


THE GUYS

ps. If any of you have relationship questions, leave us a note on the “Ask the Guys” page here on our website. Or call us at: 347-855-GUYS and leave us a message. We’ll try to answer your question here or on our podcast. We do our best, but can’t always get to every question.