Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

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Other questions about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 


Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc 😉 He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!


Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)


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Some other questions to check out:

Showing too much love to my sister

He talks about having sex with my friends

Do guys have a harder time with long distance relationships?

Why is he not asking me out?

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 


232 Comments on Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

  1. @Dee…..Be strong and good luck!

  2. Hey Guys! I’m having trouble interpreting what’s going on with my FWB at this point. This is long, but hopefully the background helps…..
    My background: my friends have accused me of being a “serial monogomist”. I’ve had a few long term relationships since my divorce 11 years ago, but they’re always ones that don’t “threaten” my single mom status, as they’re always slightly immature, emotionally unavailable guys. My marriage left me with such major trust issues that what’s mine is mine, and I take care of me and my own (I have 2 teenaged kids). I was in a one year relationship last year, long time friend, he moved in, but there was never any chemistry, so I ended it. Then that was followed by a long-distance one with a ton of chemistry, but after 3 months I found out he didn’t consider it “serious” and I told him where he could shove it because I could find a much more convenient FWB if that’s what I was going to do. It was right around this time that I started hanging out with L.
    His background: the last 2 relationships were both long term (4 and 5 years), with women who walked all over him and his self-esteem. He’s a complete “guy’s guy” right up until it comes to women, then his mother’s raising of him kicks in. He will do anything to help anyone, and tends to put women on pedestals (I keep telling him not to!), but doesn’t know how to accept anyone helping him. His most recent ex cheated on him just a few months ago, and has yet to cease calling and texting and berating and yelling at him while trying to get him back. (?? I still can’t figure that one out; she’s truly crazy, and I knew this from even before they broke up when I previously met both.) The first ex nearly drove him into bankruptcy and he lost everything and had to move in with his mom & stepdad; the second drained him bad enough to stay there and even messed with his employment enough that now he’s severely underemployed and laid off seasonally. He’s got a solid plan for his finances and living situation now though, so I’m confident that this will not last much longer.
    We started hanging out 2 months ago after an outing with some mutual friends. It was a 0-60 kinda thing, we hit it off ridiculous, and spent tons of time texting and hanging out. We started sleeping together within a week, but it was with him making a very pointed declaration on multiple occasions that he was staying single. I get guys – they say what they mean, so there’s no point looking for hidden meaning or expecting anything different. And staying single – fine with me – neither one of us is (was?) ready for anything more anyway. My response – a friend with benefits keeps me from a string of inappropriate one-night-stands, so that works out fine for me! After only a few weeks, though, he broke it off (by text); his reasons were stupid (I suspected the ex’s influence, and turned out to be right). Within a few days, we had talked it out, and laid out our FWB ground rules (I have very few). He struggled a little with the idea of leading me on, but seemed to accept that I really believe him and don’t have ulterior motives. Since then, I’ve allowed him to initiate most of the plans between us (he has “hermit” days when he’s dealing with his mental/emotional stuff, and I give him his space).
    Early on, I explained to him that we were alike in that we both tend to take care of others to the neglect of our own needs, and that what I’ve learned is that it only works if you have someone looking out for you in the same way. Hence, I only “allow” him to “be nice” to me if I’m allowed to do the same in return. It’s been tough, but we’ve gotten to where he will actually tell me when something is wrong and allow me to help without fighting me, and vice versa. That’s a huge trust thing for both of us.
    Since then, things have developed to the point where it seems like we’re dating to everyone looking from the outside. We have an inside joke about being “Team Snugglef*ck”, taking care of each other. More nights spent together than not, some at my place, some at his, with all the cuddly-kissy stuff. Almost all social outings together. Going out for dinners (and breakfasts!), which he almost never lets me pay for (his exception was for his birthday). He hangs out when my kids are around (they understand the situation as well as teenagers can) and is great with them. If I do hang out with another guy friend, his immediate reaction is always transparently jealous (even though he retracts any prying questions right away as none of his business, and I answer them anyway). I’ve met his family multiple times by his invitation, as well as almost all of his friends. The mutual friends (who introduced us) and I threw him a surprise birthday party, and while I worried about overstepping by contacting his friends I hadn’t met yet – he was THRILLED. He says that when he’s with me, he’s calm and happy again for the first time in as long as he can remember, and friends all say the same about him. There’s slips, here and there, where he doesn’t correct someone for calling me his girlfriend, or he even refers to me as “his girl”, but then other times when he still says we’re “just friends” very clearly (although I haven’t heard the “staying single” assertion in several weeks now). He did make a rather hurtful statement just recently about women never staying faithful; but I kept my response to a “you’re full of crap” look. I know that there’s at least one other girl he’s talking to (she’s a mutual “friend” who is long distance at the moment but maybe not for long), but what she says is going on changes by the day (never dating, but she likes to claim he’s “in love with her” as is every other guy she knows), and I don’t ask him. They’re nowhere near each other’s “type” anyway – I think that’s just a mutual pity party that’s kinda losing steam anyway now that he’s getting his head back straight.
    Even so, I wouldn’t be reading into all of it, except for what that another friend saw fit to tell me (and I honestly almost wish she hadn’t!) that he told her: “I think I might have finally found someone who understands me and who I can trust to take care of me too.” For him, that’s HUGE. My head was fine with “just friends” until she made me wonder “what if”. His mom, who is also a huge influence on him, absolutely loves me and thinks that it’s more than friends (this is from what she’s told friends who have told me, besides my own observation). Now I don’t know what to think, or if I even should think, or just keep taking it as the FWB and ignore the rest? HELP! :-)

  3. @AJ…..Typically FWB stays as a FWB. In fact, less than 1% turn into anything more. Because why would a guy propose FWB? Answer: To have sex while he keeps his options open, which may be just, not having to answer to anyone. What puzzles us is why the two of you aren’t talking about this. If you truly just wanted a FWB this wouldn’t be an issue. And now that you’ve developed feelings for him are you truly going to be content with just a FWB? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. Because if you bring up the conversation things might change. (They might not as well) But if you don’t bring it up you may never know what’s up. So you’re left with a choice. If you tell him how you feel and he freaks out well then you have your answer. But it is possible he may be on the same page as you. However, the other option, is to wait just a little bit longer. Two months isn’t that long, and since the two of you seem like you’re kind of dating—going out together socially—why don’t you give it another month or so and see if he initiates. That’s the best case scenario of course. Finally, keep those eyes open. Guys are usually straightforward. Meaning, if he says you’re “just friends” to you than that carries a lot of weight, more than what your friend said he said. Keep us posted.

  4. Thanks for the response! I actually am ok with staying FWB for now; I kept my “internal walls” up to protect that. It was just the mixed signals that had me wondering if I was missing something by leaving the wall up. But after posting, the more I thought about it, he’s probably just confused as hell himself, knowing where he is, and I need to just stay the laid-back f-buddy that I promised to be. :-) This confusion isn’t even about me….

  5. @AJ…..Okay, good luck.

  6. Well I have been “dating” an old friend since about the begining of Decemeber. We never thought we would ever hook up but we did and we have seen eachother every weekend since until most recently. We laugh at how we never went out before and we both are pleasantly suprised and happy how things just ended up.Well needless to say, He has had an unexpexted thing happen with his ex wife and has had to return to the home of his teenage kids and be the full time parent. This changed things for us as he no longer has his own house and less time. I too am a single mom so I understand the priorities here…Kids come first no matter what age they are, but Im feeling a bit left out, Our time was limited before to weekends only since we live about an hr away from eachother but now our weekends have diminished. We usually will talk weekly or text and for whatever reason this week that has gone away. I do understand he is going thru some crap right now with the ex, as we talk often about that as I was once there…..he enjoys bouncing things off of me and he has said “thanks for being so patient thru all of this” but I am feeling a bit hurt this week as now we dont even text or call. I sent a simple text asking if he was okay and his reply was his week has been crazy busy and he was leaving this weekend with his son for sports tournament and would call me later. That was last night and he never called. This is a man that knows my family, knows my parents and was my older brothers college roomate. He would not hurt me. Is he just consumed with work, raising his kids and trying to juggle it all and I am being paranoid its about him not liking me all a sudden??? I am trying to be very patient of what he is going thru but I miss him. we were off to such a good start and now things have gone off track. We hade temporary dinner plans next weekend and Im afraid we cant go….it is up in his area and we would have to get a hotel or I would have to drive home after dinner. Where before it was easy I would stay at his house….I have told the other couple to take rain check for now…that he has a full plate. I just want to know what he is thinking…does he miss me? will he get a handle on things and ask me out again. I think all I can do is let him be continue to be suportive and be his friend and see what happens but it hurts as I was so happy we found a romance after twenty some years….we were off to a great start…..but maybe this is his way of showing me he has no time for a relationship….I dont know so confused. Honestly I do know he likes me and he would never hurt me. Maybe he just isnt there yet for a little something more serious…..:( any suggestions..??

  7. @Kaye……Be patient. That’s our best suggestion. We know, lame, but that’s all you can do. You’ve only been dating a few months, and he’s had a major upheaval in his daily routine. You’ve got to be supportive and understanding. Yes, he could be communicating better with you, but we don’t think it’s because he’s changed his mind. He’s overwhelmed with life right now. Give him some space and let him initiate. If things get back on track, we would suggest talking to him about this at some point. (Not right away, but maybe after a few months of good times.) Then, let him know that you need more consistent communication when you’re in a committed relationship. (And we agree with that.) Otherwise you’re going to go nuts being with a guy who doesn’t “get it.”

  8. Thanks. Yes bei g patient is best. But very hard. The thing I’m having trouble with is that all a sudden within the last week things have changed. So I take it as its “me” he wants nothing to do with me. That’s the hard part. He ended up texting me all day yesterday from his sons sports tournament. But it was just trivial stuff. The score, the games they won, who won the league. Etc. I replied here and there but that’s as far as it went. Then I sent a text later last night seeing where he was etc and he was out to dinner with a friend and was gonna go out for a bit. A guy friend that is…. I was out with my girlfriends and said okay have fun. He made a wise crack about girl talk and getting horny. I didn’t find it funny and told him this. He said I was just being silly didnt mean to offend. That was it. End of our conversation. I’m so lost its like here was a guy I saw every weekend. A guy that text me what he was making for dinner or what not to now just feels like nothing. He even was one that called all the time and I loved it. Even told him how nice it was that he wasn’t much of a texter. We even went to dinner and professional basketball game a week ago granted my brother went with us but he was affectionate and nice. All a sudden he seems busy not interested and not into me. I guess just leave it be….see if he asks me out again or I basically chalk it up to another one that doesn’t want more than dating for 3 months.

  9. @Kaye……Sorry. It’s hard, this dating world. Keep us posted and hang in there.

  10. Hey guys :) I work at a hotel and I met this guy that works at another hotel through work calls. We really started talking at the beginning of December 2012 and met in person shortly there after. At the time we both worked third shift so we would talk on the phone and text all night. Then we would see each other for about an hour each morning. We had talked about taking things slow and starting off casual. At one point he asked me if I was open to it becoming something serious. I told him that I did not want to jump into anything right away, but that I liked him enough to see where it went. (He did not say that he was not interested in it possibly becoming serious, so I thought he felt the same). Without giving too much of his personal story…He got divorced after his wife got an abortion against his wishes (she felt it would ruin her career). He then got his recent ex girlfriend pregnant and they now have a 2 year old daughter together. His Ex girlfriend tries to control him, by using their daughter. So going into any type of relationship I knew that he had baggage and I knew that his daughter was priority, which I respect and I would not have it any other way.
    He was willing to risk getting into more fights with his ex by texting me during the day (at the time he lived in her dads basement) and he would always start the conversations. When I switched off of third shift it became harder to see each other. He stopped coming over in the morning because he said that he felt bad waking me up… because of our schedules we were only having sex once or twice a week, but it was great sex and would usually last for over an hour each time. Then conflicts between his ex girlfriend and her dad had her dad kicking her out of his house and the guy I was casually seeing was not permitted to see his daughter for over two weeks. He began to draw into himself and I knew his stress levels were through the roof. I tried to be supportive while giving him space to deal. We went to a comedian show and he would not let me pay for my ticket, when I offered to pay for my half of the food he told me to put my money away, that he had it (I guess I took this to mean it was a date)…He always opened my doors, even when we were going separate directions he would walk me to my car and open and shut my door before going to his own.
    Then out of the blue he texts me telling me that he does not want to get in the way of my happiness, that he can tell that I am falling for him. I told him that I understood that he was not interested in anything serious because of everything else he had going on. He then told me that he did not want me putting my life on hold for him. When I told him that I did not see it as me putting my life on hold for him he pointed out that I had talked about doing travel nursing. I told him that doing travel nursing was at least two years down the road and subject to change depending on my circumstances at the time, but that when I had met him I had not been looking for anybody or anything and so he was not preventing me from finding happiness. He then started telling me that he was only ever interested in being friends and teaching me what he knew of sex. That his daughter is his whole world and that he does not have a heart to give me. He said that was not fair to me to wait and see if someday he could give me more and that he hopes that we can remain friends because I am a fantastic friend (his words not mine). He finished the conversation by saying that once he makes up his mind he does not change it. So do you have any idea what was going through his head? Maybe it is the girl in me and I am reading into his words, but I feel like his words give mixed signals. Plus the fact that he had told me a week before this went down that he did not like having conversations about emotions via text and then had this very lengthy, emotional conversation via text. I deleted his number from my phone so that I would not be tempted to text him and he has not texted me. At this point I do not know if he was seriously interested in remaining friends or not. I am so confused by the whole situation and any insight you could provide would be helpful.

  11. @Heather……..We know this seems confusing but his words seem pretty straightforward. He’s not interested in a relationship with you and wants to focus on his daughter. We think the daughter part is just an excuse. Meaning, he wants to be single and not tied down. And even though he said something about a relationship at the early stages of your communication, he probably was never interested in anything more than sex and a good time. And this is the very reason we don’t recommend these kind of arrangements. (Especially for women.) Guys seem able to compartmentalize easier than woman. Sex is sex, and relationships are relationships and never the two shall meet. For women, the two are connected, even if at first that’s not the intention. We don’t see the point in being friends. It’s not going to change how he feels and it will only keep you in an emotional holding pattern. Try to move on. And hang in there. We’re sorry.

  12. I’ve recently been hanging out with a guy and have only slept with him once. After sex we had a very deep conversation where he was opening up to me about his life.
    A few days after we were sitting down chatting about things and it turned into a serious conversation as he said he loved women or shape, size and race. I turned around to him and said that’s just you a jerk with lots of women on the go. He said I wish I don’t have time as of work and my kids. He then asked me what I wanted. I told him I’ve always been straight with him and i want a relationship and all the things that come with it. He turned around and said to me well then what am I? I said I don’t know?! I told exactly how i feel about him as i don’t wanna lie or hide anything.I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn’t know himself. He was confused. He said that he wouldn’t wanna hurt me as he cares for me. Then he started asking me about my ex and how and what he was like. He also asked me how would my mother react if I took him home as we are both come from different cultures.What’s he trying to tell me? We’ve only slept together once. Since then his started telling me about his personal problems. I’m confused with him asking what I want as his said he didn’t want a relationship and just fun and yet he got upset when I couldn’t explain what we were as I’ve been hanging out for a few months. After the conversation i bumped into him at a friends place and there was a slight awkward feeling but then he soon turned into his joking self. Pls help

  13. Nichelle // March 19, 2013 at 1:58 pm //

    Hi ^_^….Well I’m in a sort of FWB relationship with this guy I mean we are practically a couple in everyway but label…And at first i was fine with it because i had just gotten out of a long term relationship…He says he likes me and i like him but he wont ask me out because his last relationship was bad….We have been doing this since December and i don’t know what to do because i can no longer deal with this sort of thing but i don’t know how to approach him about it :(..Its confusing because he sends mixed signals all the time so I’m not sure what he wants from me..Any ideas?? And thanks in advance

  14. @Nichelle…..There’s no mixed signals when a guy won’t ask you out, or commit to a relationship. He can give you whatever excuse he wants but it’s still just an excuse. If you want this to be a real relationship you need to talk to him about it and risk him freaking out. Because you’re already headed towards the path of resentment and anger. Just talk to him and tell him what you want. And go from there. If he freaks out then you’ll have your answer: That he’s not at all serious about you. Keep us posted.

  15. Hi guys checking back on with you as I wrote a couple weeks ago. Refresher of my situation. Been seeing an old friend from long ago in fact my brothers college roomie. We both are divorced and recently he had to move back in with his teenage kids and become a fulltime parent. The ex the kids mom was back in rehab and not doing her job as a mother so naturally he has stepped up to the plate. I’ve been there listened to him helped him thru it helped him move and been his support. I’ve been patient as I know he is overwhelmed with his work and now managing his two teenagers fulltime. But this has ended what we had started. I know kids come first. But this has left this man with no time. He still calls me. He still texts. But we make no plans. I have stayed away given him space and he knows I know what he is going thru as I have been in the same situation. For the two of us to have connected so well how come all a sudden he has no time? Did he not even like me? He calls we talk but a slight mention of setting up plans and then nothing. I flirt he will sometimes reply back flirty and other times… Says sounds fun and that’s it. He says on at pattys day … We should be at an Irish pub having a beer together. Instead he was cleaning his exs crap out of the garage. Looked like an episode of Hoarders!! Is this man just checked out?? So overwhelmed he can’t think of fun, sex, relaxing or me? We just had a drastic change and I have no answers. Today we talked. He called me. I texted later in the day said if he had time this weekend maybe we could meet for lunch, go on a hike or I could cook an early dinner. Just relax and have fun. I even stated I missed seeing him and hanging out…..his reply, Saturday might work u less I go golf. Ill check my schedule tomorrow!!! Sheesh what happened here? We were great before saw eachother every weekend were intimate all weekend long and now nothing but calls and texts. Any Insight as to what is going on in this mama head or what I need to do other than let him be? I do that and he calls or he texts. But that’s it! I really miss him and what we had. He knows my family and now I’ve told them. They suggest leaving him alone as well. But that doesn’t help me. I internalize that it’s me. Something I did. I wished he would say hey idont have time to date or a relationship right now. Or is wished he wouldn’t call and just go away if that’s what he wants. Instead a month ago he thanked me for being so patient and I have been. But I’m running thin here…..well who knows what he will say regarding Saturday. He just sea to be staying away. He doesn’t let his kids know he is dating. Which he said in time he would. So if he is with kids than I won’t hear from him. But doesn’t he need adult time doesn’t he miss what we were doing? It was always a great time he said it all the time. Is this man depressed? No sex drive anymore? Well I can go on and on like any female can….if you have insights or guys advice I’m ready to hear it from a guys perspective. :)

  16. @Kaye……We could write you a book on what we think is going on. But honestly, you need to let him do his thing. Respond to his texts nicely, but let him do all the initiating. He sounds overwhelmed and depressed, which is enough to sap any man’s sex drive. But the best way to deal with this is put yourself back out on the scene and start doing some nice things for yourself. Or dating. or whatever. He may come around, he may not. But we wouldn’t wait around for him. Sorry.

  17. Hi guys! Write a book of what you think is going??? Is it that bad?? I am doing for me, as I never let that go. May even go back out with others and always spend time w my children and my friends. I view it as his loss. His life may calm down in a bit and he may want to get back on track. If I’m available I might, but for now I will let him be in his own world. He can do all the courting like he has do w from the start. Only wished because he knows what I want and he knew from the start and because I have known him since I was 19 I just wished he would tell me. He communicates how busy and crazy his life is but that’s it. May e that’s his way of trying to say I do t have time for a GF right now?? Oh well. I’m better today than I was yesterday. Time will tell I guess…..just bad timing for all this to have happened. If he still had his own place and wasn’t having to move back in and raise his kids. I can honestly say things would be just fine. :) well your comment about what is really going on scares me but I won’t read between the lines!! Hope for now it’s just I’m not a priority. He is too overwhelmed.

  18. @Kaye…..Good luck. And hang in there.

  19. Dear ever helpful gentlemen,

    I’m friends with benefits, for the first time, with a guy (a very active “player” if you know what i mean) and like what other people with friends with benefits do, we made some rules not to fall in love and if ever one of us ever felt that way we need to notify each other. In the middle of our so called “fwb” relationship, I noticed that I seem to harbor some “feelings” for him so before it evolves into a much deeper emotion I notified him. He then told me that it is ok to have some feelings to him so I got angry at him and told stuff like “before the benefits we are friends so you need to be sensitive to my feelings as I am to you.” After which I made a new rule again (I’m unable to let go just of yet since the sex was really great) and it was not to call me any words of endearment, never do any romantic stuff like playing guitar and singing to me, and if possible never to walk me home(i don’t want to be seen), and as much as possible no cuddles (So like it was me who gets dressed first and asks to go home first). After I made these rules, for some reason, he doesn’t keep them. I don’t know what’s his thing since it was him who mentioned the “not to fall in-love with me” rule but he is doing “things” that could make a girl fall for him. He even got angry at me when I told him someone was trying to court me when I asked advise from him and told me stuff like “I’m so desperate” which made me upset but then at the end of the day he apologized.

    (Well he did said that he is willing to help me and told me that I can ask him anything about guys since I am not really that experienced when it comes to guys and relationships since I’m a very busy person. I’m a nurse for crying out loud and I don’t have many long term relationships to brag about.)

    So moving along, after I made it obvious to him that I could seriously fall for him if he still keeps on doing such “things”, he seems to be detached from me and began to “obviously” show some distance like saying stuff about not falling in-love so easily, in which by the way is great so that we can still continue the sex without ruining it. Well I thought it was not ruining it until when I asked him to have sex with me he refuses me. I mean who refuse sex? It’s like refusing grace or something.

    We then literally had no communication for a couple of months.

    The only time we communicated was when he tried to asked me to greet him for his birthday and I got no idea it was his birthday but I greet him anyway and that was it. No communication after that.

    By the end of the month I began to feel horny again so I texted him and I was surprised to find out he got UTI and he was also concerned he might have STD. I was really shocked and concerned that I may have it too since he was my last and only sex at that time. So we then began to communicate again and done medical check ups separately.

    ( He told me he was too shy to ask me)

    After so before the last check up I went with him to have the last screening and since the result will be up for 4 hrs we got ourselves to bond for a while. We ate at a fastfood and I saw my colleague and began chatting with him when all of a sudden he begun to butt in to the discussion and tried to tease me in front of my guy colleague. (maybe because I did not introduce him. I try to separate business from pleasure as much as possible). I got confused by his actions again. It’s like he likes me.

    (but I do believe that if a guy likes you then he will definitely make a move and would not go around blabbering about how it is hard for him to be in love right?)

    Anyway, it was really awkward for me. He was just a guy whom I only had sex with and I am really unsure on how to act when I’m with him so I just tried to leave a personal space between us when we try to walk side by side and sometimes walks faster or slower just to seem not to be clingy.

    (I’m just worried that he may feel uncomfortable if we look like a couple)

    And there he goes again, he ruins my plan. Whenever I try to distant my self it’s either he’ll grab my hand saying stuff like I should walk him home since it was “I” who like him (of course I try to deny it) or tries to pinch my arm or cheek (which hurts by the way) and we ,obviously, looked like a couple and it made me feel so stupid thinking that it was only I who was concerned of any of this and he’s just like “who cares and that’s when I realized I love him. *sigh* I really hate him for making me love him with no intention of loving me.

    Anyway after we got the result (which is negative by the way thanks God!) I began thinking about him. *shit*

    and I began texting him more often and calls him more often *double shit! f@ck*

    It was really messing up my head that I’m unable to concentrate with my work and began to have this feeling of wanting to be with him so, I called him and we had sex. *sigh* talking about being a masochist.

    And that’s when I decided to tell him. I’m not really good in keeping secrets to my self I’m just too blunt honest!

    (I’m a Sagittarius so maybe that’s why)

    And I texted him that it would be my last sex since I would want to have a healthy lifestyle from now on and I don’t think I like the sex any longer since I would feel pain whenever I think that he does not feel the same way about my feelings. I also told him how happy I was to met him and he have surely taught me many things and I was so grateful to him. and he replied “k” and I asked if was he upset about this and never get any reply from him. I then texted him I love him and still got no reply.

    The next day he did replied (yey!) but I was annoyed by his reply. He texted “Huh? what’s with you all of a sudden? haha” and “And?” and I was like f@cking…. anyway… I told him back that it was not sudden and that I just want him to know since I don’t like keeping it and he has no obligation to return back my affections whatsoever. And he replied “Oh I see.. I’m already late I need to train someone”

    And there it goes I just want to know how to kill him! oh sorry that’s not what I meant.. I would just like to know what he was really thinking about my confession.. was he the like to be thinking about it? or was he just mainly playing with me and now that there is no sex involved he will just move on.. *sigh* help?


  20. @Jane……We know this is confusing and difficult. We’re sorry. The only thing we can say is that you should try to learn from this and move on. The very nature of FWB leads to these types of outcomes. Confusion, resentment, anger, sadness. When a guy says he doesn’t want to fall in love, he means he’s not going to fall in love. When a woman says it, it could mean many different things. And that’s the difference here. He knew when you started a FWB that he wasn’t interested in anything more. You thought the same, but it changed for you. And that’s the difference between men and women. He already knew BEFORE you started having sex how he felt about you, and what potential he saw. Sure, he played some games to keep the sex going, and maybe genuinely liked you as a person, but it was never going any further than that. Does that make sense?

  21. I have been friends with benifits with this guy for 4 months and he started out sayin he don’t want a relationship just sex. He has asked me to sleep over the last 3 weekends. This last weekend he wanted me to hang out with him and his brother. I have met his mother and he told me she likes me and thinks I’m nice and his brother thinks I’m cool. When he has me spend the night he wants to cuddle all night. He calls me baby sweety etc. Tells me I have all the qualities he liks it seems to me he is hinting at wanting a relationship. But then he tells me we r just friends I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what he wants from me just friends or a relationship?

  22. @Sara…..He wants sex and an occasional companion but nothing more. We’re sorry, but this is not working for you. We think it’s time to move on. Your call. Good luck.

  23. @the guys,

    I love youre guys site! Its very helpful and interesting to see what is posted daily! Thank you so much for having something up like this!

    So my question is, does my FWB have feelings for me or some-what feeelings for me?

    My story: me and my fwb met each other at work. I did notice he was nervous around me at first then finally he asked me if i wanted to go to the museum with him but i turned him down that first time because i had plans already for that day. Finally we started to go out with him asking me out like to the bar … Even went to see a movie with just us.. He paid and he held my hand and hugged me the whole time. Afterwards he treated me to happy hour and we ended up going to his place. I had to go out of town for a week but he told me he wished that i was able to spend the whole day with him before i left. But we ended up hanging out the day before i had to go out of town, he cooked me dinner at his place, watched our favorite cartoons, cuddled, and did our buisness as usual. During my trip though, (weve been hanging out for 3 months already) i told him a story and he kind of inturrupted me and dropped the bomb by simply saying,” i dont want a relationship, im sorry if i mislead you, i like you and i like being with you… I just dont want to hurt you or your feelings.. Im just not ready for a girlfriend.. Before we go any further…” And for some reason i was already kinda bummed. But i acted so cool by just saying,” its cool, youve got to do you and i didnt expect anything from u ( even though with all the actions and things hes done for me previously seemd like he was into me anyway.) i was just going with the flow ya know?” And to my surprise he tells me that hes glad i understand and that i am so cool and he likes the fact the fact that weve been going with the flow. Now ever since this convo i sensed something awkward between us. Once i got back, we were somewhat distant. We didnt see each other for a month or as he corrected me for a month and a half. We still kept in touch though but nothing like goin out or for a night. Until he hit me up while he was drunk. It was 6pm and he was asking me if i was still moving to indiana or smething and asked me if i wanted to come over because he hasnt seen me in forever. At first i was hesitant just cuz i didnt want this to be our first time seein each other esp. For a while but what the hell i wont lie i did kinda miss him. As soon as i got there he hugged me so tight. We didnt even get into anything yet but we stayed up watching our fave shows/ cartoons as usual then he hugged me tight again and kissed me on my fore head. Even recently, i was supposed to go bar hopping and i was supposed to get ready at his place but he asked me nicely if i could just stay with him and pull a all nighter. At this point we already had some drinks together, shared sme dinner and was listening to our fave music and just rambling about random stuff.. Until i told him about a best friend who was a guy that confessed to me that he liked me. He acted or seemed surprised. And seemed in disbelief that this guy was my “best friend.” Then we had other moments that night that just seemed confusing as is, like hed always gaze into my eyes , holding my hand, kissing me on my fore head, i kept telling him i should leave but he kept trying to hold me back and stay for the night. To top all it off he suggested that i go back with him to his hometown for xmas. the again maybe it was just the vodka. And as of right now weve pretty much been fwb for 4 months now. We shared alot of secrets, he never contacted me past 9 pm just to ” hang out” it would be earlier in the day, there have been a couple times hed reach me while he was buzzed and/ or drunk, he had been hurt previously from his last relationships, and from nights spent together it sometimes seems like he may want more.

    As a guy, what do you guys make out of all this? I could go into further detail but this pretty much sums things up. He clearly stated that he does not want a relationship. Could this end up with a good ending? I am comfortable now that we are fwb because i put all my feelings aside and decided it really is ok that we are like this. What do guys advise?

    -i am 23 years old and he is 25 years old.

    Please help! Thanks!

  24. @Alene….Sorry for the delay in our response. Our advice is the same to you as to everyone else here. This is going nowhere. And we don’t think it’s going to end well. In fact, we think the opposite. You’re just going to get more confused, frustrated, angry and then hurt. If he was really into you and wanted something more, you’d already be in a committed relationship.

  25. Question:
    First I hooked up with this guy. I found out after we had sex that he has a girlfriend AND she is ok with him hooking up. This guy likes to to the macho submissive stuff, but then after sex he cuddles, kisses, strokes my back. I find this very confusing, because usually you just leave after a hookup. Not cuddle and then socialize. Does he want more? I am probably asking for confusion by hooking up with a guy who has a girlfriend but the sex is just sooo good. Also what’s the best way to stay emotionally unattached?

  26. @Sarah…..He’s a player. He wants sex from as many women as he can get. The cuddling is foreplay for the next time. Meaning, it’s his way of assuring that you’ll have sex with him again.
    Our advice: Move on. This is not a good situation for you. And we bet that his girlfriend isn’t okay with him hooking up. She either doesn’t know about it, or agreed to it begrudgingly.

  27. Dear Guys: I asked questions about the same guy 5 months ago but now I can’t find my thread. We met online, he is older and awful busy ( doctor)Age difference is 12 , hes divorced with 2 children. He travels both nationally and internationally. We seem to be moving very slow and I have no problem as long as I’m not a booty call. Our first date was great, no kisses but a hug and perk on the cheek. Before we met he would text me a lot wkends or after hours , sending me pictures etc.after the first date , I sent a text thanking him and all that. Came second date that he again initiated. It was great , got real kisses and hand holding. The third date was tricky, it was at his house where he cooked, wine, fireplace lit and we retired to his bed. Sex was great. I was very late to his house. Something came up at work ( Friday) and couldn’t leave. I did let him know but he said just came as soon as I was done at work. 4 hrs later I arrived. Since then, he has not initiated any dates. When I text to say hi then he will text back and ask if I had any plans. I will then get invited over. Or he will text back saying that he misses me. He seems very careful not to be all over me. This past weekend he travelled to see his kids 4 hrs and back home and text saying he would like my company if I don’t mind. He was tired and had just arrived from overseas on a business trip in a couple of days. By the way, he has started communicating when he’s overseas. When I got to his house, he told me that we are making pizza, we did he made salad and sat ata table to start eating salad. I asked why I wasn’t invited at the dinner table he then said ohh I’m sorry , could you please join me and have salad? He had both plates there but I’m not used to him that downto earth. I did spend the night. We live about an hour apart. After arriving at the airport last week he texted me from the airport to say he wish I didn’t live far because he would ask me to come to his house. After getting home this Sunday , I text and said I had a great time . I asked if he sees us together again soon and he said ‘yes’.

    So basically if I don’t ask we don’t meet. Whenim at his house , we get along, conversations , we see eye to eye. If I don’t jump in his lap he seems not into me but once I start touching his hair or initiate kiss or sit in his lap his smile is unbelievable and won’t let go. In bed he initiates it all.

    What’s going on? Am I reading into it too much? Is it too early to ask to be exclusive?

  28. I started hooking up with a my FWB who is 8 years younger than me. He’s 23. I have a 5 yo, and in the middle of my divorce. He’s coming out of a god awful relationship- the ultimate betrayal. We weren’t able to get together for nearly two weeks. My daughter got sick, and i was overwhelmed trying to take care of her and the hundred other things that needed to be done. He wanted to come over, because he said i need help and that’s what friends are for. It totally threw me, because i was used to fwb being more of an in and out thing. So, he came over, hung out with my daughter. Later, when i asked why he did that (Came over, helped)he said he was fine with kids so it didn’t bother him. I had also asked him if we had any rules, and he replied no rules as of yet. I told him that comment had my attention, and he quickly replied with a: sorry. just meant we have no rules. What is going on? Does he and I have two completely different definitions of FWB? Any insight would be appreciated!

  29. Hi guys! I’m really confused here and I hope you can help. I met this guy at work about 3 months ago and we hit it off instantly. We would spend hours just hanging out and talking. Things were going really good when one night he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious as he was still pretty fresh from his divorce (by the way, there’s about an 11.5 year age difference).

    Anyways, I agreed to it and said it was fine by me if he just wanted to have fun or whatever. About 3 weeks ago we started an FWB relationship. Well, that’s what I was labeling it in my head at any rate as he had said nothing serious, but we never really talked about it or set any ground rules…it was all just kind of understood. We’ve hooked up several times already, but about a week ago he started calling me baby, taking me to places he’d never taken anybody else…he even took me to his friends house with him but called him first to let him know I was going to be there (he called me his girlfriend at that point).

    Then a few days ago, he introduced me to his sister and her husband but they didn’t seem surprised that there was some new girl in his life. His sister even said ‘it was nice to finally meet you’.

    The past few times I’ve gone over to be with him, we’ve done nothing but sleep in each other’s arms. He’s met my parents (even came over for Christmas dinner yesterday!) and this morning he introduced me to his 4 year old daughter.

    Any idea what is going on here? I don’t want to jump to conclusions and embarrass myself or anything, but this isn’t what I pictured a non-serious FWB to be. Any help would be wonderful. Thanks!

  30. Hi guys, thanks for this. I’m sorry that I havent had the chance to read all the comments, this thread is probably very repetetive for you.

    The last month or so I have had… Something with a guy. We met at a weekend conference, got drunk and I sort of seduced him. It was very nice, not awkward the next day either and he was very cuddly.

    He lives in another city from me, som we both talked a bit then went home. Since then we have been chatting every day (mostly on Facebook, Snapchat and a bit texting) and we have so much in common. We talk about everything – sex, politics, movies – and joke around a lot. (Sonetimes he also gets pretty serious and starts talking about personal things).He begun hinting that he was coming to my city soon, for a Christmas party etc., and we met up saturday evening. I met him at the bar where he was with his friends, they all greeted me, none of them seemed surprised that I was there, there was something about their smiles and the way they greeted me. They were nice, seemed curious to find out more about me. We left and spent the night at my place. He seemed really happy to see me again, he kissed me a lot and kept stroking my hair. We slept together again and it was as nice as the first time, it didnt feel dirty or easy like it often does with FWBs. We talked and cuddled a lot afterwards. Again he had to leave the next day to make his plane as he lives far away and had work the next day, but he kissed me for a long time before he left.

    After that too we have been chatting a lot (but not calling, that just dosent seem natural). He tells me a lot of things I dont think you tell any random girl, for instance about how he uses to visit the grave of one of his best friends who was killed two years ago on boxing day and how he feels about it. We have such great chemistry and he doesnt think I am awkward even when I get nervous and make bad jokes. Sometimes when we talk about something he says stuff like he asked his brother what he thought about this or that and that his brother agreed with me – which shows that he clearly must have told him somewhat about me. We even talked ecery day when he was on vacation overseas. We have talked about past sex experiences a lot and he has made it clear that he thinks I am good at it. He has also said he comes to my city now and then.

    This confuses me, because I feel like we have gotten to know each other really well the last few weeks, and I am getting attached to him, telling him everything. He seems to be the same way. But I am unsure what he wants, I often fall for guys too easy and the distance is a problem. So, do you think I am the only one who has developed feelings?

  31. Hi guys, would really love some input on my situation. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago, it wasn’t a mutual so I was pretty much a wreck. My friends suggested post break up sex to help get over the hurt. So that’s what I did; joined an adult website, found a guy, now we’re seeing each other every weekend for 2 months already. I’m 22 and he’s 30. We both acknowledged in the first meeting that this was just a casual sex relationship. It was my first time being in this sort of r/s so I did a lot of research about do’s and don’t’s.

    So the first one month was purely “he came to my place, fuck, cuddle, kiss, talk, kiss, fuck, cuddle, kiss, talk, fuck, cuddle, goodbye”. But now, he’s been giving my mixed signals and here are some of them:

    1. He asked me to spend Christmas with him like 2 weeks before (We NEVER make plans that far ahead), he made a roast, took his dog for a walk, watch a DVD, gaze at the stars (gaze at the stars??? FWB DO THAT??). I just felt like it was more than a date than a FWB session.
    2. He’s always keen to have me over the night at his place.
    3. He gets jealous when I mention about his housemate (who joined the site as well and also asked me out once)
    4. He got kinda sulky when I said I might want to stop seeing him and coldly told me “you can’t do whatever you want.”
    5. I mentioned once that my ex likes to tie me up and blindfold me during sex. The following week, he bought cuffs, a blindfold and a mini vibrator.
    6. After sex, he always draws me close and wants to cuddle with me even when I’m quite comfortable sitting up.
    7. He jokingly tell me he wants to meet my parents when they’re coming down to visit.
    8. He jokingly says we should do a long distance relationship when he leaves town for 3 months due to work.
    9. When I do spent the night with him, he put his hands across my hips/arm/tummy/waist when we’re sleeping.
    10. We talk A LOT and I mean A LOT. Our conversation definitely extends beyond basic courtesy.
    11. We always have this eye contact for a moment, we just don’t talk but just look at each other until I feel weird out and look away.

    On the other hand, he also hinted that he doesn’t intend to take me out on a proper date (dinner, movie blah blah blah). we seldom text unless it’s to meet up or to wish me good luck on my interview, which i was surprised that he even remember about it, or just a casual hi. He never spends 2 days straight with me, like in the morning he tells me a long list of things he wanted to do which didn’t include me, pretty much gave me the feeling of “he’s done with you for the week”.

    So honestly, what is going on? Can a guy really do all this romantic things and still have no emotional feelings towards a girl? Am I just imagining things? The funny things is I’ve the feeling that I might just fall in love with him myself. And I really don’t want to because of the basis of our relationship. I’ve considered ending it but I don’t know what to do? Do I tell him my feelings? Or should I just say “Sorry, don’t wanna see or hear from you from now.”?

    Please help! Thanks in advance!

  32. So there’s this guy I know, he’s been a really close friend. We’ve known each other for a year… Things went smoothly the first couple of months, I ended up falling in love with him, and I told him how I felt but he said he didn’t feel the same way, that really didn’t change our relationship up until he started distancing himself, i asked why he just said he was busy, then he confessed he fell in love with a girl, and he just didn’t wanna talk to other girls seeing that he thought ‘she was the one’ but the truth is she doesn’t care about him, never did, never will. but he still managed to fall in love with her, and I cared about him like no other but no response. I just don’t get why… Anyways he found out she lied to him about a few things so he stopped talking to her as often, though sometimes I feel like he still loves her. And then almost 9 months passed by since I met him and we decided to be friends with benefits. I don’t know why I did that, but something inside me kept saying, id much rather have some of him than none of him at all you know what I mean? I confronted him about how I feel and how much I want this relationship to be serious but he said he didn’t want a relationship fearing ‘it might ruin our tight friendship’. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like he cares but at other times I feel like I mean nothing to him, even though he means the world to me. I want him to fall in love with me, any advices on how? And is there any chance he would be interested in something more than fwb. oh and btw, when I told him that i loved him, and that he probably will never feel the same way back, he said you never know what might happen in the future

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  5. Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more? | The Guy's Perspective

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