Boyfriend still has feelings for his ex

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Dear Guys,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.

Leila

Dear Leila,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.

The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.

Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.

But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.

We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.

Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.

THE GUYS

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31 Comments on Boyfriend still has feelings for his ex

  1. Hi guys! Met a wonderful man through a mutual friend about a month ago, and we’ve been out a handful of times since. Hooray – his behavior, and mutual friend, indicated fondness for me.

    In the week prior to meeting me, he’d extracted himself from a disastrous, short-term (6-7 months) live-in relationship (during second date, she suggested he move in with her; he did). Consequently, he wanted to take things very slowly and deliberately with me (I’d been through a difficult breakup a few months back and really appreciated his approach).

    A few days ago, he indicated that he’s still “not over” his ex. Perfectly understandable, and I’d suspected that to be the case given their history. He also said that he doesn’t want either of us to “friend zone” the other. I agreed. He asked if I was upset; pragmatic girl that I am, I said no, because although I really like him, I was cautious and not yet emotionally invested after four whole dates! I also expressed appreciation for his honesty.

    So we proceeded with our dinner date, enjoying each other, laughing and chatting. At end of evening, we hugged, he kissed my shoulder and then planted a nice one on my lips. Said he’d give a call.

    I replayed things, and after a night’s sleep, interpreted the prior night’s events to mean he enjoys my company and is maybe up for some light, fun dates but is in no place for a relationship. I shot him a little note thanking him for telling me where he’s at; assuring him I’ve been there and know it takes time to heal; mentioned that the timing for us is bad, emotional availability-wise; that I’m relationship-minded and not wishing to be FriendZoned or Rebound Girl; that I really like him and why I do; and that yeah, I’m a little disappointed with circumstances being as they are. Finished with some words about time healing all wounds; hang in there.

    He responded, “Thank you, that means a lot. You are a pretty exceptional person. Just bad timing.” (And our mutual friend – who is actually his best friend! – said that she got the same sentiment from him; it’s really not a personal thing.)

    My question: if he does call and wants to see me, how do I stay out of FriendZone and Rebound Girl territory? Do I ask him to contact me when he sorts out his feelings for ex, or do I go out with him without expectations (I’m going on dates with others, too, but I have a big crush on this one).

    In your experience, is someone in my situation seen as potential relationship material? Or am I best off to cut my losses and scramble without casting a glance backward?

  2. @Elle…….Our initial reaction is this: If he saw huge potential with you he might be trying harder to figure this all out. We don’t doubt that he still has feelings for his ex, but the fact that he hasn’t asked you to just be patient while he sorts this out indicates to us, that he thinks you’re great, but maybe slightly more in a friendly way. He’s quick to say this is bad timing. Of course that’s just our initial reaction. What do you think? If you agree, then we say, cut your losses and move on. Or at least give him some space to figure it out. If he comes back to you asking for another chance then you can reevaluate then.

  3. Genevieve // June 4, 2013 at 11:31 am //

    I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months and we’ve been on and off. He came out of a 9 year relationship and he started seeing me a month after. Everything was amazing in the beginning and i really thought he was the one but after a while he started to withdraw and told me he didnt think he was ready to be in a committed relationship. After several attempts at trying to let him go, he told me he didnt want to lose me. He really did like me and it was just bad timing. He does things to show he cares. He does bring me out to meet and hang out with his one group of friends. However, he hasnt brought me out to meet his university friends because they’re close mutual friends with the ex. We decided to be exclusive two months ago and I went on vacation for a couple of weeks. When I came back, I saw a couple of his texts telling his friend how he still misses the ex and he couldnt stop thinking about her even though it was him who broke up with her. He has made no attempt to contact her during those weeks i was gone and his sister told him to let things settle. He went to a wedding a couple of weeks later and the ex was there. He told me he talked to her and how he had gotten closure and its probably memories that he misses about her. Hes warming me up to the idea of finally meeting his parents and even trying to befriend the ex so it will reduce any awkwardness when he finally introduces me to his university friends. Should I continue to wait and be patient while he lets go or am I kidding myself? I sometimes feel like I’m his rebound helping him try and get over her. I really like this guy and he says he likes me back but he tells everyone that he’s not able or not willing to be that serious with me yet. Please help.

  4. Raphaela // July 27, 2013 at 2:29 am //

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2 months now. But I’m still caught up with one of my exes. The worst part about it is that is his best friend. And I want to be honest and not keep any secrets but I know that if I tell him he will get mad. We will immediately get into an argument and most likely brake up. I love my boyfriend and don’t want to end our relationship. So I need advise how do I tell him that a still have romantic feelings for my ex whom is also his best friend with out it ruining our relationship??? Please help me I need help ASAP!!!!! Please and thank you….. :)

  5. @Raphaela…….There’s no good way to tell him. You need to figure this out first. You don’t get to have both. Choose one. Our advice: There was probably a reason you broke up with your ex. Figure out what it was and focus on that. You’re only remembering the good stuff. ……. ps. If you really love your boyfriend the way you say you do then this shouldn’t be a problem. Without being too harsh, this sounds like a matter of maturity.

  6. You never know love could be so painful until you’ve got ur heart broken by the person u love most.

  7. Am a female ,my name is sam am 20. I was with this guy for 8months and we broke up 5months ago.He always communicates with family member to see if am ok when I wasn’t taking any calls or text. When we finally started say “hi” every now and then I notice some changes. He told me the truth about him lying when we were together and that he has moved on shortly after we broke up,but now he’s saying he still loves n cares for me even though he has a new girlfriend. He calls and text everyday. What do yall suggest? I still love him.

  8. I met on-line last winter a very nice guy. I really was not too interested in him at first…But he was very sweet, good to me, ect. and I guess you could say he really grew on me the more we talked and were together. He had been very open about getting his heart broken months before by his fiancé leaving him for another man. She did this twice, he took her back , and then she left him again for the same person months later. Needless to say he was crushed and devastated. In the beginning of our courtship he was very hot on the pursuit with me. Seemed just crazy about me, and I was flattered but a little freaked out and told him we needed to slow down as we are still getting to know one another. Well, we dated for about 3 months and then HE started to became distant, very withdrawn from me. Almost like he did a 180. At this point I really have feelings for him and care for him and not interested in dating other men. We get into a slight argument on the phone and he hangs up on me. Well, we never spoke again and I thought it was the end of that. Fast forward to 4 Months later which is now, I get in the actual mail a 2.5 page letter from him. Asking for my forgiveness, saying how great, wonderful, beautiful I was, basically saying he was an angry person as a result of his Ex and didn’t realize it. That he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and that I happened to be the recipient. he said he used the time we were apart to work on himself and didn’t date at all. He said he spent so much time loving someone that didn’t deserve it that he was blinded great to something in front of him… He was very sorry and said he very much wanted to be a part of my life again if I would have him. It was a very kind letter and I called him and of course forgave him and said no hard feelings. Sooo here is where I don’t know what to think. We have seen each other a few times since then and have texted and called some in-between but it is still Very slow. When I see him we act like we are dating (kissing, affectionate, we have been intimate). I asked him what his intentions are with me and he said he really didn’t know. I can tell he just doesn’t want to ‘open up’ so I try to just act cool. I really like him and have feelings for him but I can’t figure him out. Is this a case of emotionally unavailable? I know he cares for me, as we would not of taken the time to write me after 3 months- But its kind of driving me crazy. sometimes I hear from him on a regular basis, and then it will go a week without talking . I do let him initiate all texting/calling to the point where he asked me why I never texted him first and wondered if I was upset. Since he said that I have been trying to text him a little here and there. It is just hard for me to understand if he thinks I am just sooo great then why can’t he give me more like he did at first? It makes me feel like he is not interested in me and has been so confusing. Will he get over his ex? When we do talk he wants to know if i am dating or what ive been up too, def. seems jealous but doesnt make plans with me so i dont get it, its like we are phone friends and i am not sure how to handle this?? Please help !

  9. Stephanie // October 18, 2013 at 9:33 pm //

    I’m desperate. I met my current boyfriend 2 years ago. We met at work. He had a relationship that was falling apart. They broke up, he had been living with her so after the break up he was sleeping in his truck so I offered him my second bedroom and we became roommates/friends with benefits. 1 year ago I ended up pregnant…5 months into the pregnancy we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We currently have a 3 month old together. Now here’s the problem. He’s mean/rude to me 70% of the time. Complaining that I don’t act like what a good girlfriend should, cleaning, saving money. He wasn’t there when our baby was born cause he had to work…..yea……and also has doubts if she is his baby so we had the DNA test done (even though I knew she was his) and yes the test results came back he is the father. But he’s still just mean to me. He makes me deal so small. Belittling me. I asked about a girl on Facebook that I didn’t like how she talked to him (super flirty) and he said she was just one of his best friends and was here before me and to never “come at him like that again”. But I’m his girlfriend. I have that right, right? We hardly have sex anymore. He has never done anything sweet or romantic for me. I’ve cried to him trying to explain how I feel and he gets mad and tells me to grow up/toughen up. I’m so hurt by how he treats me. We don’t even tell each other we love each other…and I do love him, I’m just afraid if I yell him he wouldn’t say it back. I feel like he still has problems with the past. Didn’t get closure from the ex She cheated on him and crushed his heart, hurt him bad and I feel like he takes it out on me and won’t let me in cause of her. He’s got major trust issues. What should I do??? Should I give up and move on/break it off?? Or keep trying and if so how?! Please…someone help. I want our daughter to have her mama and daddy. To have the family life I had….

  10. Hey guys! Love the site and had to donate so you guys can keep giving advice! Anyways, under this question, I’m actually the EX that a guy still has feelings for and I’m just as confused. We dated last year and since we broke up in June, we have always kept in touch. Sometimes weekly for a few months. Well, we went on a few dates in Aug but then I had to travel for almost a month so it was back to the friend zone. In Sept, we went on a casual lunch outing and he didn’t say anything out of the ordinary until a week later, I got a text stating “I need to talk to you, I started dating someone but I feel a pit in my stomach because I have feelings for you. I don’t know how you feel about me or would want anything more with me. I wish you would tell me how you feel about me.”. Okay, it sounds like he is begging right? Well, that was one of our problems was that I wasn’t very expressive/communicative with my feelings. I’m very closed off because of past relationships so it’s hard for me to say things even though I do love him. It’s easier for my to text and message him how I feel because I’m not pressed for time or put on the spot. He was surprised at what I wrote and that I told him I would love to give it another shot. We have gone back and forth and I have told him that he will need to be patient with me but I will get to the point that he needs and that is important to him. I know that is my flaw and I am working on them. He is worth it, no one else have been worth it. I would usually run from these situations and leave the relationship instead of dealing with it. Anyways, he last messaged me that he will also ask for patience from me. What?!?!?! Why should I be patient? I’m not sure where he is going so I asked him and he wants to meet so we can talk face to face because he would like to hear me say these things that I have never spoken to him before. He didn’t answer my question either. Just great right? So what does he mean by patience on my part? By being the ex-girlfriend who is being contacted, do you guys reach out to us because you want to try again before it gets serious with the new girl?

  11. @The Ex…..Thanks for your donation and kind words. We do appreciate it. And yes, it’s good you got this question in now because we’re not sure how much longer we might be doing this. To your question: We have to make some assumptions here. Please correct us if we’re wrong. 1. You had the upper hand in the initial relationship. Don’t mean that in a bad way, just that, it happens. 2. You broke up with him and he was bummed. 3. Your recent “dating” hasn’t just been about sex. (Otherwise we’d have to assume he just wants to keep having sex with you instead of getting back with you.) With those assumptions in mind what he said to you makes a lot of sense. He was hurt by you, and it’s going to take him some time to trust you again. (Yes a role-reversal.) This other woman represents safety, or rather, safety in numbers. He has no idea how it will play out with you so he’s going to keep her around until he’s sure, and then, we can’t even say for sure that he’ll trust you again. This is going to take some time on his part, and it sounds like, on your part. So we have to ask the question: Are you sure about this? You must have had a reason that you broke up with him in the first place. So are you sure this just isn’t you feeling lonely, or seeing him moving on? It happens a lot. We’d hate for you to get back into it only to realize that your initial feelings—that you didn’t want the relationship—materialize again. (Which is what he’s worried about as well.) Our suggestion: Give this a lot of thought. And then have a heart-to-heart with him when you see him. And that conversation might lead to many more heart-to-hearts. Communication is the key here. And try not to confuse things with lots of sex until you straighten this all out. Make sense? Any follow-up questions? Good luck and keep us posted.

  12. Thanks guys for the quick response. He was the chaser the first time around and I felt suffocated to say the least. I’d get the good morning and good night text and 10 more in between during the day when I didn’t see him. He’s very expressive with his feelings and touchy/feely to the point that I freeze because I don’t know how to react or respond. He likes to hold hands across the table and stares longingly into my eyes — YES, just like the romance novels! I’ve never been treated or have met anyone like him. He’s also very sensitive and he requires verbal and actions as validation of how I feel so that was the main problem with us. He states that I only showed my love and feelings through my actions. I know it too because I hold things very close to my heart which makes it easier to let go and move on when things don’t work out. I don’t throw the “I Love You” around loosely as some poeple do. It is also easier for me to express my feelings via email (preferably also in the dark works well!)because we are not face to face and this is why he wants to meet and talk. He wants to see if this is something that will be possible for us since it is important to him. I know it is important in a relationship for people to get validation and I’ve always received it but my flaw is that i don’t give it and I know it. This guy just seems worth it but I just want to make sure his mind and heart is there before I expose myself to an area that rarely gets exposed. I don’t want to get stringed along and I don’t want be an option since there is another girl in the picture. Even though he have only dated her for 2 months, I still worry that he will stay where he is even though he seems to be making an effort to talk about our issues.

  13. @The Ex……..Thanks for filling us in. We still wonder if maybe there’s a reason you’ve held back with him. Is it possible that even though he’s a great guy that you’re just not “feeling” it? We’re just asking the question. If you do truly care for this guy then you need to get more expressive and tell him how you feel and what you want. There are no guarantees of course. But that’s the only way to be in a relationship. If you don’t let go you’ll never fully be engaged in a relationship. You have to give to get. There’s no other way to go about it. Relationships are risky, but that’s what makes them so wonderful. Good luck.

  14. Hi guys,
    I love this site, and especially your responses and the male perspective definitely gives me insight!!!
    My predicament is that I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year – we moved in after six months together – his idea, and it was completely practical at the time. Plus we are both thirty and know what we want. For 90% of the time we get along really well, same interests and humour. And great physical attraction. He’s affectionate and sweet and listens to me. I was previously in a relationship for 8 years though that left me insecure and jealous. I’m in therapy trying to fix this… My current boyfriend is all about being happy in life and he really wants me to be happy too. So! The problem, at the start of our relationship I asked too many questions about his exes, I know I know!!! This left me insecure about one in particular – he went out with her for a year and a half and they split up 3 years ago. She had a young son from a previous relationship – but the father was not around and so my boyfriend was like his dad while he was with her. She was mean and controlling to him and eventually he decided to break up with her. He said it took until he met me to realise that he was over it, and losing the child too. My problem is that he still goes and looks at her facebook page at least 3 days a week. So I’m worried he’s not over her and that this is eventual going to lead to me being hurt. We’ve argued about it and he says he is angry with her, and angry with himself about letting her treat him that way, and that he effectively lost a son. He says it’s not about her it’s more about himself. He says that me bringing it up keeps her fresh in his mind. That his way of processing his feelings comes from knowing that when he doesn’t feel anger or whatever by looking at her page then it will stop. He won’t unfriend or block her because he says that gives her the power and make him look weak. He did stop looking at her page for a few months because he told me he would. But we had a big argument recently about my insecurities and he’s back doing it again! :-( did I create this monster by bringing her up.?? He told me he doesn’t want her brought up again with me because it creating tension between us and he just wants to be happy. He’s such a good boyfriend in every other way. He talks of marriage and babies with me someday and I know if I can get past this, then we could be so happy together!! I’m happy to support him and never talk about her again as long as I know that she will fade from his thoughts someday and I won’t feel worried that he thinks about her all the time. I know I can’t control his thoughts but oh how I wish I could sometimes!! He invited me to a party that she might be at soon. It’s a traditional thing he goes to every year where he was brought up(she lived there too) so she might be there. He hasn’t brought a girlfriend before so I guess that’s a good thing.
    Anyway, my question is: do you think I need to worry so much? I know he wouldn’t cheat and he tells me I don’t need to worry. I just wish he’d stop looking at her page. But I can’t tell him what to do and I promised I would stop bringing her up!!
    Thanks so much for any advice you might have :-)

  15. Hi,
    I’ve been with my ex for 8 yrs, engaged for last two. I met him when I was very young in college and he was my first real relationship. We had a very strong connection, something that I don’t think I’ll ever find with anyone. Since we went to school together there are lots of memories involved. I was very afraid of marriage and having kids and I told him from the beginning I might never have kids but I don’t know if I ever change my mind. We became sexually active 3 yrs after we met, he respected my culture, then my health issues started, bladder issue( which affected my sex life tremendously to a pt I wasn’t even having sex, then depression then endometriosis and the last thing was a herniated disc, our relationship became rocky before my back injury and I would start fights but I felt like he wasn’t emotionally supportive enough. He had communication issues where he would shut down and not respond as a result I would get more mad. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even work. He thought I want being supportive of him since he was losing his grandma in hospice. I asked for a break. He packed his stuff and moved to his parents, called them 2 wks later found his grandma passed away and he’s in another country for he funeral. I was so mad that he didn’t even text me to tell me he’s leaving. I moved to my parents and asked him to come over when he comes back. That didnt go well, he came over, I heard him saying shot about me to my parents about me so I got mad and we had a talk that ended up me telling him that I’m tired of him not being there fore and that I didn’t love him. I said it out of anger. He said he loves me and he will forever. Since then we just texted each other about apt issues and I ignored last few texts. We never really broke up. Since then I have gone through a back surgery, still dealing with more back issues, lost my job, was diagnosed with acid reflux and don’t know when everything will be ok. It’s been 10 months since I’ve talked to him. I saw his Facebook profile with a new gf, I was devastated that he’s moved on so fast but not jealous d/t the girl being ugly and old, physically she’s everything he hates. I’ve come to have mixed emotions about him and my situation and wanted to kill myself. I do believe in psych readings so contacted this lady and asked about my situation and whether he still likes me, she said he will always love you. This was exactly what he tolde. She said he doesn’t love this girl and she’s brainwashing him and causing issues and they won’t last. I wish she said he hated me, she opened my unsealed wound. I feel guilt, regret, have no self worth and need closure from him and need to apologize. I don’t think we would ever workout though, but I still care for him and miss the friendship aspect of it. I was going to email h but what if he turns me down? I can’t stop crying. I just don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I have no plans of ruining his current relationship. Please help! I hate myself so much.

  16. In my case his ex broke up with him. She moved on very fast and he is very wounded. They were basically married for 4 years. He has been great with me all the time we were together 3 months, but I left town because of work and might not come back for one year. We talked about he being wounded and not quite ready to open his heart entirely, and he knew I was leaving from the beginning, but at the same time got very attached and emotional with me. We keep in contact and constantly updating each other about our lives. And I keep hearing from other friend he is still ice cold with his ex who seems to want to be friends with him but that he is not over her bad behavior during break up. He wasn’t a saint as well… Anyway, I guess I wonder if I am investing my energy in a lost cause. I am growing attached to him but I am not sure about the future. That’s an issue with both of us. Distance is complicated. I guess we both can’t promise anything, but still try somehow. My posture is very much like wait and see. I just wonder if I fit the rebound girl position I see so often quoted here, or if a guy who is hurt can let it go after a while.
    I am afraid of growing more distant and losing him, I like him a lot, but also don’t know if it is healthy to keep so attached to something so uncertain. I can’t ask him to be more clear about his own plans for the future being I am uncertain myself.
    We have a very respectful dynamic, and don’t expose ourselves to much, not allowing each other be in vulnerable positions.

    Any insights?

  17. Hi guys! Well, i’m in quite a different situation. I’ve been seeing this guy since last 3-4 months and we have an open honest relationship, we both love each other and understand eachother so much. The situation is he was in love with this woman who was married to some other guy. I dont know if I can call her his ex coz they weren’t really in a relationship, just the mutual feeling of love. He says that their relationship had no future coz she couldnt leave her husband n so now they are just friends. They talk or chat sometimes. But I get so jealous over that, sometimes I feel like he wont get over her ever coz he keeps checking on her. But when he’s with me, we have so much fun, laughs. We both love each other’s company. But sometimes I dont know about how to react when he brings up something about her. I’m so confused coz I really have feelings for him. But what if he doesn’t get over her? I dont really know if he still loves her or what feelings he has for her. but seems like he still has feelings for her. And sometimes to me it feelis like he’s with me coz he cant be with her. I need a guy’s opinion. What do I do? Give him time? What if his feelings for her dont change??

  18. Hi! My boyfriend of 3 months told me on our 3rd month anniversary jan 18th that he needed a break from dating and needed time for himself because while dating he asked for it and I never respected it which is true, I was devastated cuz he had been telling me how happy he was. Anyways weve been talking daily still on text/phone, seeing each other still….we go to sleep on the phone with each othet still and a few days ago he said hes honestly happy im in his life then he told me he loved me on text with a heart after…when we see each other he holds me tight n kisses me on the lips, he still stays the night sometimes, and rubs on my leg, hand etc like he’s always done…he told me he can still see us living together in future like he’s always seen us……. but right now we are on a break….I am so confused…he says he needs time for him and ive been giving it, letting him contact me n decide when we hang out etc but like above. When we see each other we kiss, hug, act like we r together…is this normal?

  19. @Trish….The question is why does he need a break? That might be important for you to find out. Have you talked to him about this? Honestly, three months is a short time for a guy to all of a sudden need a break. Is there another woman that you don’t know about? Is he dating around? What’s going on with him? We think there are things going on that you’re not aware of. We suggest a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Also, if you’re still having sex with him, we suggest you stop that until things are resolved between the two of you. Otherwise he’s getting his needs met while exerting minimal effort.

  20. Hi,
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years now.
    When we first started dating I knew a little bit about him because he had dated my best friend. (best friend at the time.) She would say awful stuff about him, saying how he was obsessed with her, and how he treated her horribly.
    I never really took that stuff to heart….I just accidentally feel for him. I remember back then the story of them… How they dated for 6 months, got into a fight one day, and he hit her. She told him to leave.

    I knew he was obsessed with her before me. It was a year after her he started dating me.

    Two years down the road he has never hurt me in anyway. Our relationship is wonderful and we have grown stronger as people.
    Last week though our friend past away. Someone very close to him. We went to the funeral and his ex was there. Everyone went out side the funeral home to get some air. I brought him out as he was crying. We sat down. His ex came up to us and rubbed his head and looked in his eyes. Then turned around and walked away.
    That felt very off for me. I knew her very well and she hated him….but she would also toy with him.
    I dismissed it and comforted him.
    Later at the reception I talked to her about how she was doing in a back room. My boyfriend walked in said something to her and there was this long awkward silence. He kissed me and said he would be out there.
    He told me later she had come up to him outside while he was having a cigarette and said “how much she missed his face” blah blah

    It was an emotional night…one thing lead to another and we got drunk at a friends house.
    I’m not going to go on about everything that happened at the party….but just a lot of upset drunk people. :/
    Somehow early in the morning hours he left and he was logged into my friends phone.
    Already hysterical from all the drama and drunk I freaked out more when I read messages to his ex.
    They weren’t that bad.
    Nice seeing you <3
    I wanted to say sorry blah blah
    I've regretted that day ever since.
    Hope you and your boyfriend have a nice night…
    Blah blah

    I read messages with one of his best friends.

    I hurt when she said she missed me.
    Maybe you should apologize to her?
    Cause you never got any closure…blah blah
    (Screen shot of apologies to ex)
    Didn't help.
    Its hard to watch what she is doing to her self…blah
    I love (me) but I loved her.
    I had to surpress all that when I started dating (me).

    That part keeps ringing in my head.

    We have had a talk about this… I've explained how I feel.
    He said he loved me.
    He was drunk and felt guilty for what he did to her.

    My stomach turn at the thought of him still caring about her.

    I can't get this feeling out that he still cares about her…..that after all this time.
    It probably is the guilt of what he did…and the emotion of what the real situation was. (The funeral.)
    I don't know.
    And how she came up to him….
    I know she doesn't care about him…after all she has said.

    This situation is eating me up.
    I'm afraid that I can't look at him the same way. I feel second best.

  21. @Julia…..We’re sorry. We know this is really hard for you. To us, it sounds like he feels guilty about what he did to her, angry about how she treated him, sad that it ended with no closure, and confused due to the emotional duress of the funeral. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it does mean he has some unresolved emotions about his ex. The tricky issue is sorting out what’s real and what’s not. He may believe he has some love for her still, but most likely he just thinks he does. For example: If he got back together with her, he’d soon realize why they shouldn’t be together and would likely come begging for you to take him back. The two of you need to do a lot of talking to figure this out. If he really truly has feelings for her, or needs closure, we’d encourage him to meet with her and talk about it. The thing is Julia, you can’t keep going on like this. Like you said, you can’t even look at him the same way. And until this gets resolved that feeling isn’t going away. Unfortunately, she may have to be involved to get true resolution. And who knows, if she has a boyfriend, she may not even be interested in rehashing anything.

  22. Thank you so much for your advice!
    I’ll be having a talk with him this evening. I love him dearly and want the best for him…
    As much as unresolved feelings hurt me…if need be I would let him try to resolve them.

  23. @Julia….Keep us posted. Good luck.

  24. Hi

    I wanted your advice on my current situation.

    So I’ve been involved with a guy for 6 months now, it’s been classed as “going out” so more like dating, we speak everyday and get on so well. He’s said he’s not met someone on his level like this before and that we are on the same wave length and really enjoys my company. We just got back from a holiday and he said its not about the sex, he really enjoys my company.

    We got talking about his past relationship, where he came out of a 5 year relationship just over a year ago. It didn’t work because their parents didn’t agree due to difference in religion, and they began to argue and he saw her in a different light so they ended it on a mutual decision. She’s now happily married to someone of her parents choice.

    He said a relationship isn’t what he is looking for right now, he feels that love only happens once. He still has feelings for her but for who she was when they first met, not who she became in the end. He was straight up with me and said he doesn’t have feelings for me, and doesn’t want me to expect there to be a relationship in the future. But also said we are both going with the flow at the moment, and if it happens in the future between us it will. He said not to stop myself from getting into a relationship with someone if I wanted to.

    He said he’s not sexually involved with any girl, and isn’t planning on doing that. He likes what we have, however, he doesn’t want to string me along, but I really like him and would like a future with him. We’ve gotten more closer since the holiday, and even though he’s said he doesn’t have feelings his actions show otherwise, he has been very loving, affectionate and caring and I can feel that he does have feelings. Maybe he’s in denial? I’m not sure.

    I’m not prepared to let him go, and I also feel in time he will come to accept his situation as he has feelings for someone who isn’t the same person anymore, and is also married now. I just don’t know how to go about this, I’m prepared to carry on and go with the flow, but I know I will have a little hope at the back of my mind for a future as that’s something I can’t help.

    Also, since the holiday he’s been in contact constantly and is also planning our next holiday to the other side of the world just me and him! I feel as if the feelings are there between us but he won’t admit it, I completely understand his situation because I was in this before and after a year or so I accepted it and moved on

    We pretty much go on like we are in a relationship and I’m happy to wait until he’s ready, and ready to admit his feelings. Just wanted to see what your thoughts were?

  25. @Samantha……We’ll give you our general take on this, but every situation is unique, every relationship is unique. That said, guys usually know right away what sort of potential they see with a woman. Sure he might still have feelings for his ex, and yes they might not even be based in reality, but the fact is, if he saw you as someone with serious potential those feelings might have already faded and it’s unlikely he’d be saying what he’s saying to you. (We hope we’re wrong. Truly) We understand the confusion comes with his actions. (Loving, desires you, etc.) However, it seems to us that he’s passing the time with you, as you’re filling the emotional and physical void he’s feeling. Obviously this is your call. You know the situation better than we do, and you know him and we don’t. But from a guy’s perspective, we would suggest pressing the issue, otherwise this could go on and on and you’ll be stuck in an emotional holding pattern. Now of course, if you press the issue, it could backfire, but if it does, you’ll know that it was never going anywhere anyway. (Six months is plenty of time to know. Most guys know within weeks, if not sooner. Seriously.) Thoughts?

  26. Samantha // April 28, 2016 at 5:45 pm //

    Thank you for getting back to me! That’s been very useful with what you said, and yes it could be the case that he’s filling the void with me for his emotions, but he did mention he’s had his fair share of rebounds straight after the breakup and knows for a fact this isn’t a rebound (he wouldn’t still be around and be so keen I guess!) even though he’s said he’s got feeling for his ex, I do think he’s being indenial about the feelings he has for me. Actions can tell a a lot about people, and I think perhaps he’s either scared or doesn’t want to admit he does have some sort of feelings with me, because surely if this was a fling he wouldn’t be like he is with me, and wouldn’t be planning to go half way across the world with me on another trip. I do feel there is a strong connection between us, and he knows that too as he said he’s actually not come across a woman like me on his level.

    I think what’s not helped is he is in contact with his ex now and again so see how each other are doing, and she’s said she’s not happy married but her whatsapp status shows different that she’s in love. And he knows that now, so perhaps that’ll help him realise it’s not helping by speaking to her because of what she’s saying.

    I do agree I do need to press this issue with him. I feel I should ask him whether when he feels ready to settle down, can he see that being me? Am I someone he would want to be in a relationship with when he is ready?

    What do you think? Are there any other ways you feel I can press the issue?

  27. I met this guy online and we hit off right away as friends of course. He told that he just broke with his ex a week prior to our meeting. Anyways, for the whole three weeks; we would spend the whole day texting back and forth. When we met, we hit it off right away but we both made it that we just want to stay friends because both of our lives are complicated. 2 days ago, he messaged me and told me that he ex wanted to see him and he agreed to. I didn’t hear from for the rest of the night and the morning after that. I sent him messages but he never replied. Finally, I sent an email and demanded that he tells me what’s going on. He sent a text saying that hespecially going through a rough time right now. He met with his ex and they had a long talk. He said that the relationship is still over between them but the ex is having a hard time so he needs to answer her questions and give closure. He also said he hopes when he’s done; he hopes that I’d still want to be his friend. I kinda liked him. I’m hurting a little. I told him to do whats he gotta do. Im here if he ever needs someone to talk to. What do I do?

  28. @Samantha…..We’re going to be honest with you, but know we’re trying to be supportive……We don’t think he’s being fair to you. He knows you’re way into him, and he’s taking advantage of that. Sure, he’s being honest with you about his ex and about the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship, but that’s easy to do because he knows you’re hooked. Maybe he’s not meaning to be manipulative but that’s what’s happening……So how can you press the issue? Well, we think it’s important for you to tell him how you feel and what you want from a relationship. It’s been six months. He should know by now what he wants, especially since you say he’s already had rebound relationships. We’d suggest a heart-to-heart conversation. Give him permission to be honest, but make sure you’re clear about where you stand. Look Samantha, this is your call. We think you’re kind of making excuses for him, but like we said, you know him better than we do. So you have to decide if this is the right time for this sort of discussion because it could also end the relationship. Just keep in mind something important: You deserve to be with a man who loves and respects you the way you love and respect him. Don’t settle for less. The last thing you want is to get stuck in an emotional holding pattern where you close yourself off to other possibilities. ps. We hope you share our site with friends. thanks.

  29. @Maria……..You sit tight. Look, Maria. It’s clear by your reaction that not only do you like being his friend, you also see potential for something more. Otherwise you wouldn’t be this upset. So we suggest you give him some space to figure this out and do what he needs to do. Getting upset at him is just going to push him away. Also, keep in mind that he just broke up with his ex and that he may not be ready for another relationship anytime soon. You don’t want to be his rebound, so if things do progress, we suggest you take it slow. ps. We hope our site with your friends. THanks. Any thoughts? Other questions?

  30. I’m part of a reenactment guild. I met this guy through the guild because we have a LOT of mutual friends, the guild is like a big family. For nearly two months we got to know each other as friends and worked close together every single weekend for two months until I realized I had feelings for him. I found out that he had recently gotten out of a 10 year (!!!) relationship about a month before he met me. I decided to go carefully and just remain friends. Fast forward to the last day of our guild event, I asked if he could hold my arm while I walked, he said yes and we kissed for the first time which was beautiful. He made the first move. I told him that I knew he had just gotten out of a relationship and he said it was rough because she had cheated and dumped him. I told him that if he wanted a sex relationship or a rebound he could leave me alone right then. He mentioned a few days later that it’s been difficult for him and that he can’t guarantee me anything because he feels like he’s ‘in hell’. It’s been a few weeks and we’ve been talking nearly every day on facebook and have had one date which lasted for 12 hours. We haven’t had sex (fooled around) and I’ve told him we won’t have sex till I feel like we’re both ready and I don’t think he is at all despite the cool exterior he’s put on.

    I find myself really attracted to him but I wonder if he’s using me as a way to get over his recent ex. He says I make him very happy and he always is happy to see me and asks when he can see me again even though he lives an hour away. We enjoy our time together and we talk for hours on messenger. He never mentions his ex. He also encourages me to talk to him. He brought her up one time, when we were talking about living with our parents (we both do) and he said that she wanted to move in together but he didn’t. Outside of that he has not brought her up.

    I know I would not be able to take a blow like discovering that I’m being used again because this is all that ever happens to me-I’m always the girl who gets used and left. I really like him (getting to know him for a month before he made a move really helped) but I find myself vacillating and I also wonder if he is using me. Part of it comes from him being out of a 10 year relationship and the other part of it comes from my own poor experiences with guys and me being constantly used.

    What should I do? I’m debating ending things soon because I’m so afraid he’s going to ghost me after awhile or that he’ll be too damaged to even consider going out with me seriously. I absolutely cannot take that kind of blow, which is why I’ve let him make all the first moves. Yet I have such joy and a good feeling about this that I don’t know what to feel or do. Please help or advise me.

  31. @Morag…..We typically answer longer, and more in-depth questions via the Ask a Private Question option on our site. Of course there is a $35 fee, but your question seems worthy of a discussion, especially if you’re noticing a pattern. That said, it’s going to take him a lot longer than a few months to get over a 10 years relationship. That means, even if he thinks he’s over her, he’s probably not, and won’t be for a long time. If you want to talk this through, consider the Private Question option. Your choice. We wish you the best.

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