Break up confusion; will he come back?

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Today’s question:

Dear Guys,

He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?

I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.

What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?

LoriAnn

Dear LoriAnn,

It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.

Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.

So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.

We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

26 Comments on Break up confusion; will he come back?

  1. Jaideamy // July 23, 2016 at 3:05 am //

    Need some advice my boyfriend and I have been broken up for a week now, we’ve been dating for 2 years. he broke up with me the day I passed my driving test and got my liscense a very important day to me and to my life. I was not expecting this break up I did not think it would happen, I did see changes with him towards our relationship over the last 6 months but I just ignored that because he was stressed at work and he was planning to move to a new shop so it would be better, I did help him deal with it as much as I could,he had lied to me about smoking and doing drugs and manipulated my mind to make me believe that what I saw was a lie and then he got caught in the lie. He smashed my makeup out of anger and frustration when we were fighting items that I had sold to people he apologised and begged for me to not leave and even paid me the money of the damages. I still stayed with him because I loved him, now he has told me he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship and he just wants to focus on his job and himself. Except this last week all he has been doing his hanging out with his friends, drinking and doing drugs and he has even planned to meet up with his ex girlfriend to hang out. I have been a complete emotional wreck and I have no idea how to handle this I offered a compromise with him because we were seeing each other every day so I said maybe we could see each other 3-4 days and then you have the rest to yourself, he still didn’t want to try that. I have tried so hard I have begged I have cried and nothing works and now he’s moving away in 6 weeks and doing drugs to deal with our break up. I have no idea how to cope with this I feel alone all the time and I miss him so much and i just want to give it another chance but he is very stubborn and has his mind set and won’t budge, what can I do?? Help please

  2. @Jaideamy….We’re so sorry. We can see how hard this is on you. But we’re going to be honest with you because you need to hear the truth as difficult as that might be. The issue is, your boyfriend does not want to be in a relationship with you. This might feel like a surprise to you, but it’s likely been brewing in him for the last 6 months, since you’ve seen changes with him. He’s already moving on to a new life, and the drugs/drinking is his way of breaking free and letting loose. He knows these behaviors bother you and so he’s going to do them even more. Throw in his ex-girlfriend and you have a guy who is trying to send a clear message. We are sorry. We know that what we’ve said might sound harsh, but honestly, from what you’re telling us, the two of you are not headed in the same direction in life. Over time, you might see this break up in a different light. In the meantime while you’re grieving, surround yourself with good friends and family and allow yourself to grieve. It will help with your healing. Take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends.

  3. Jaideamy // July 23, 2016 at 5:54 pm //

    Do you think I should block him on all social media, will it make it easier? And delete all of our photos together? Will he ever realise he’s made a mistake and come back?

  4. @Jaideamy……You do what you need to do in order to heal. We can’t say what the right thing to do is. Every one is different. If it helps you to block him then yes. If not, then no. Will he come back? Hmm…..It’s possible, but be careful with this. Sometimes guys come back for the wrong reason. Sometimes they come back just to get sex and and because they’re lonely, not because they realize they made a mistake.They might say they made a mistake to get in your pants, but most often, it’s not the reason. Hopefully this helps clarify some things. Take care of yourself.

  5. Hi,
    Me and my boyfriend haven’t been together for around a week now after being together for almost a year. We do everything together, always have fun and rarely argue. Last week we were supposed to spend the day together however he cancelled and said he had to do work, I got offended and this turned into him asking for space. He told me he was worried about money and felt he couldn’t treat me the way he wanted to and wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with me as he’d like because of needing to pick up extra work. I tried to reason with him and said I’d support him and help him in any way. I tried to give him the space he asked for but he continued to text me as if nothing was wrong. I then decided to cut things off myself, he seemed genuinely sad and said that it can’t be ruled out for the future, but also said things like te relationship didn’t feel right towards the end – something which I was completely unaware of. I have deleted his number and have removed him from social media. It ended on good terms and I made it clear that I still loved him and would be here if he changed his mind. Am I silly for keeping optimistic about him wanting me back?

  6. @Sophie…..We’re sorry. Breakups are really hard. We hope you’re surrounding yourself with good friends and family. Do we think you’re silly? No, of course not. The thoughts you are having are quite normal to have. You may have broken up with him, but that was more a defensive reaction to his uncertainty. Typically, guys don’t want space because they’re stressed for money. They might tell their girlfriend that they have to cut back on going out, or say they need to work a little more, but they wouldn’t ask for space away from their girl. The real reason is what he said later: That the relationship didn’t feel right at the end. OUr advice: Give yourself some time to grieve. Focus on other aspects of your life. And move on. If he comes back, then you can decide what you want to do at that point. But don’t hold your breath. Last thought: Be aware that guys sometimes come back because they’re lonely or horny. Most often the latter. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks!

  7. My boyfriend of 9 months showed up at my house sobbing three nights ago, saying that ever since things had started getting more serious he had been thinking about how important it was to him to raise children in his religion. I was a little shocked, but told him that if it mattered that much to him, and if our relationship got that far, I’d have no problem converting. He told me how relieved he was, and how his friends had all assured him I’d be more rational than he had thought. He said he wished he had brought it up a month before and saved himself a month of crying over the thought of having to break up with me.

    Fast forward to the next morning as we are leaving for work. He told me he was scared that if we continued the relationship after having the religion talk, it would mean it was really serious. And that he’s scared, and that I’m his first real girlfriend (he’s 28!) and he needs to think about whether he can handle it. So he said he was sorry to leave me in limbo and he knows that hurts me, and he asked for the weekend. But by 6pm that day he called me saying he just didn’t think I am the one. That everything is great and there is nothing wrong between us, but for some reason he can’t articulate, he doesnt think I’m it for him. He was crying the whole time.

    My friends (female) think that this is just a freak out because we had gotten serious enough for him to even be thinking about how we would raise our children. The consensus is that he hasn’t actually thought this decision out, and he will certainly regret this.

    Please, men. Give me your opinion. I’m willing to wait a few weeks to see if he changes his mind, but I’m not waiting years for him to figure out that a relationship where you have immense amounts of fun and are always laughing, are incredible at supporting each other, have similar values, don’t fight, and have GREAT chemistry is actually not something to throw away. (And I’m dumbfounded that he could think that, but guess that since he hasn’t had many relationships before he doesn’t have the less exceptional ones to bring into contrast how good ours was).

    What do you think happened? And what can or should I do? I’m shell shocked and hurt.

  8. Anonymous // August 9, 2016 at 10:35 am //

    Hello,
    Im seeking some advice. My (now) ex-boyfriend and I recently ended our relationship of 3 and 1/2 years. During the 3 years we had a baby together and moved together about a year ago. The last few months we got into some stupid arguments, basically me nagging to clean up after himself or just strongly advising him to do things to better his life. We first started having these arguments around the time he started his new job. 2 weeks ago he comes out of nowhere saying he needs space to find himself. Saying that he feels unhappy all around. We officially broke up about a week ago and since then every time I see him he expects me to bring up the subject, so naturally I do. Then he causes a fight. I also noticed he’s hanging out with his old friends again. (which mind you are the ones who he said were “losers”.. his words not mine).
    I’m cant stress to him enough how much I genuinely love him and I really want to try to fix this for not only ourselves but for the sake of our son. He just keeps responding with the I want time to find myself. he also says “you know I will always love you and care for you but I need to be alone so I don’t lead you on while i’m a rock. I have no emotions towards anything (then will give a list and include our relationship). If I only communicate with him over our son for a few weeks or so do you think there is any hope he will come back to his inner self and be with me/his family?

  9. @Anonymous……We’re so sorry. This sounds really hard. We’d need a bit more information in order to give you a more complete response. How old is he? You? Has he said that he might be open to trying again? Are his friends a bad influence on him? Or neutral? Does he see his son? What does he say about that? Anything else you can tell us?

  10. @Anonymous…..ps….Keep in mind that this is public and everyone can read this. If you want to move this to a private conversation you should select Ask a Private question option on our site. (There is a $35 fee so no pressure.) Just letting you know your options. Whatever you decide.

  11. Anonymous // August 10, 2016 at 6:36 am //

    Im ok with keeping the post public, there might be someone out there going through the same thing.
    We are 25-26. As for him being open to try it again he says “IDK” and hes a very decisive person, its usually a yes or no. With IDK it makes me think that he may possibly regret his choices thus far. His friends aren’t BAD influences but they aren’t good either. Most of them are in committed relationships but some still live that “live fast die young” lifestyle. Only a few of them have kids and with that he always mentioned how his friends relationships weren’t great but all those other people are working it out for the babies. (I know not to compare my situation to there’s but the friends that are making it work are party animals.. where as my sons father use to be and then mellowed down once we became official). Since we split he has hardly seen our son. My son has been asking for him and I just reply with “hes at work” or “he doesn’t live here right now”. When the this subject started and I said I cant accept the breakup we started talking through times for him to see our son, yet he passes him off every chance he gets. With other details to throw into the mix he has an older child with another women. That women was not nice to begin with, Drama queen. During there relationshio they broke up because she cheated and also she fought his friends and family. He gave her a second chance… But as for me he wont even talk about giving me a second chance and all that happened for us to breakup was I asked him favors (clean up, help out a little more). He said that I held him back from seeing his friends but that’s false because he invited them over every chance he got and I didn’t mind. Im a very nurturing person and people keep telling me I may have made his life to easy. This whole thing happened out of nowhere. He was just telling me less then a month ago he wants to marry me and build together ever further. Then he comes out with “I have no emotions towards you. I need time for myself. Im not happy with this or myself.”

  12. @Anonymous…..Unfortunately, you’re dealing with the aftermath of his previous relationship. He felt used, manipulated and deceived by his previous girlfriend and mother to his other child and so his defenses are up. He probably promised himself that he wasn’t going to put up with anything from his next woman. (We’re not saying what you did is inappropriate. In fact it sounds quite reasonable. He should do his share of work.) However, that’s only a part of this. It just sounds like he’s young and a bit immature. And the reality of having another child with you has hit him hard. He’s probably feeling that he hasn’t “lived” enough. That he needs to be free to do as he pleases, hang with his friends, party. In essence, he doesn’t want to “grow up.” It’s not uncommon. But of course, this doesn’t necessarily help you. All you can do right now is tell him you love him and want to be with him, and that his son needs him. However, be careful not to compromise too much to be with him. Remember, you want a man who respects you and the relationship. You want a man who WANTS to come home to his family. If he doesn’t want that, then at some point you need to let him go. That said, it’s too early to know what’s going to happen.

  13. Anonymous // August 10, 2016 at 8:23 am //

    Thank you for the words. I feel that he is fighting his own demons. Its sad because from day 1 he always said how all he ever wanted was his family to be together. The other child’s mother did to him what he’s doing to me. She back stabbed him, slept with 1 of his good friends (which how good of a friend is he if he can sleep with you child’s mother) and cheated on other occasions. Only (as far as I know) he didn’t cheat on me. I think like you said he just felt like he missed out on something. Everyone who knows the story keeps saying “He had what every guy searches a long time for. Loving and supportive women. A son. A good job. A stable home filled with love. But he just wants to leave it all for party, party, party. Our son is 2 and a half and now all the sudden he’s scared and feels like he missed out on younger life. Having a child is suppose to mature you up. but correct me if I am wrong isn’t a mans biggest dream to have a son? a little guy to teach how to become a man? also he always said I’m “his queen” and “he’s nothing without me” he said that pretty close to a daily bases. All do respect but why are guys so complicated?!?!

  14. @Anonymous……Guys are complicated. Relationships are complicated. People are complicated. Unfortunately, this is about timing, or rather bad timing. You’re right. He’s got it all. Loving, supportive woman. Son. Job. Stable home. But he can’t see that. All he sees is what he doesn’t have. Yeah, he’ll probably discover it’s a mirage, but he has to see it for himself, and come back on his own terms. We’re sorry. We can only imagine how painful this is, but for him to leave you and his son behind, that’s a pretty big step. Like you said, he’s got some powerful demons he’s dealing with.

  15. Hello, the above is really interesting.
    My bf (well now ex) and me were looking at buying a house and we were excited as we got our mortgage agreement through. When we were viewing houses he was showing them off to his work mates and they was all jealous they couldn’t afford it etc and he was very proud. However, unluckily the day after we got our agreement, he got called into a meeting at work and they got told one person in the team was being made redundant. There was 3 people in the team and he is the youngest. His personality suddenly switched.
    He went very distant and quite rude to me and I could tell he was stressed and upset, he loves his job.
    Two weeks into that we had a big argument as I was urging him to look for a job just incase he got made redundant, it was like he didn’t want to deal with the thought of it – very good employee..
    He has been away for work constantly this year and I had a lot going on and we have kind of drifted so I went a little crazy on him which I regret and did apologise for. he suddenly come out with that he didn’t want to be together anymore. We kind of put a bandage over the situation and plodded along for another week and a half. we viewed a house which we planned to pull out of should he get made redundant, so we put an offer down. Then the next day he got a minor job update and suddenly switched on me again. We broke up on the phone while he was at work. He ignored me for two weeks completely. His parents were emailing me saying he was a mess and hiding in his room. I went round in the end and he purchased a new games console, wanted to be alone and just wants to be away for work now. Someone else got made redundant (as i missed the update) but it means he will be away even more. Kept saying how he had the best sales rate and would only talk if it was work related. He said he felt nothing for me and lost all feelings. I told him on the Monday via email that i would leave hima alone and let me know if he wants to chat. I left him alone for three weeks. I reached out and told him exactly how i felt and have left him alone since (he hasn’t replied once) – that was 26 days ago. Many are saying to me he is in a depressed/quarter life crisis episode or something. I really don’t know if i should just move on or if i should be trying to help him. I am 26, he is 27 (28 next month). I feel like he is probably over me now seeing as he hasn’t reached out once, which is sad considering we were together so long. In regards to his personality, he only has two friends. One is very “women belong in the kitchen” and immature with women. The other is about 4 years younger and is just like “move on”. Except his parents (who i haven’t reached out to again) i haven’t got anyone else i can speak to about it.

  16. I forgot to say that he kept saying he was trying to snap out of it but couldn’t… as he couldn’t figure out why he suddenly lost his feelings (apparently).

  17. @Sophie……It’s hard to say what he’s going to do. A little info for you. A man’s ego is connected to his job/career. (Not all men, but many men.) If their job is not going well they can get depressed. However, that’s not the issue here. The issue is that he pushed you away when things were tough. Meaning, when he was happy he wanted you around, and wanted to plan a future with you, but as soon as things were tough, he shut you out, said he didn’t have feelings for you, and basically removed you from his life. Now what does that say? Is that the kind of person you want to be with? We’re sure he has great qualities, but life is full of these sorts of ups and downs, and if this is how he handles adversity, this isn’t going to be a one time thing. Something to percolate on. Questions? Thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. We also do private relationship coaching via email. FYI….

  18. Thank you for your insight. Yeah I have been thinking about how he handles issues since this started. I realised he never had a reason to get pressured before as his parents always protected him etc. The first thing he said when I asked if he had been looking at jobs was, “my dad is already on the case” and I said, “but isn’t it your job to look for?” “I know, but he wants to”. It’s like.. mate he has his own health issues going on? I am maybe a little pushy for him and he runs away from it.. but that is probably because all his jobs have been via his dad. But then what happens when his dad dies one day? How will he cope then? Trust me, I am thinking this. I would like the chance to talk about it though with him rather than being shut out, but he won’t give me that chance. I am near the end of my 30 days no contact now and still nothing. I think he has probably run for the hills and I won’t see him again as he has realise he can’t handle it. Just shocked after 5 years he has done this. In another way though – thank god I didn’t sign that mortgage agreement.
    P.S. There is a girl I am chatting to on a forum so I will share the link with her

  19. Hello. Looking for some advice.
    My boyfriend of 1 year and 2 months broke up with me. He didnt seem very sure about that and said its because my personality doesnt match personality of his friends. From my point of view i couldnt really talk to only his two close friends whom ive never seen sober and who prefer to hang out with people of the same race (we are of different races). So I met his other friends and everything was fine between us. So it really feels like he was brainwashed by his friends so he chose wrong or smth. Because we’ve never had any problems that cant be easily solved etc So I am worried about some things here: 1) that he actually has feelings for me (otherwise he pretended for over a year? Bringing me presents and making compliments til the very last minute before the break up? Can people actually pretend like that?) 2) that he follows opinion of his friends who are not motivating him for anything good and he is loosing opportunities for a better future because of them and there is no one else but me to show him he is making a big mistake 3) it was all lie and he gave me this excuse because he is afraid of new level of relationships, because we had some discussion about it (he is 35 y.o which is a little surprising to me at this age). So he left me with no proper explanation saying that he knows he is a coward and an asshole for not being honest and he wasted a lot of my time because it was comfortable for him. It doesnt make any sence to me so I am confused and debating on should I try to get him back because it seems like he is just lost in his life. Plus I really feel we were a good match: encouraging each other, supporting during difficult times (no money and stuff), respecting each other, going to places every week, showing affection, sex was great and many more. So to me it looked all fine and its alot just to throw away.

  20. @Sophie….Unfortunately with breakups, often the person being broken up with doesn’t get an explanation. It’s pretty lame quite frankly, but people do it. Another red-flag with this guy. Honestly, you may have dodged a bullet. Take care of yourself. And thanks for sharing our site.

  21. @Eve…..First of all, we’re very sorry about your breakup. We hope you’re surrounding yourself with good friends and family. It’s interesting that we literally just commented to another person about this. Sometimes the person being broken up with does not get a good explanation, and like you, they’re left to guess what went wrong. Honestly, our best guess is, he gave the relationship a shot, but something wasn’t right for him——we have no idea what that is——and so to you, it seems that he listened to his friends, or maybe didn’t care for you, or whatever, but the fact is, he decided, probably a while back, that something wasn’t right. He didn’t have a great explanation to give you, so he just said something about your personality because he thought it was the least offensive thing to say to you. It’s not that he didn’t care about you, or that he was faking it the whole time, it’s that he very much wanted to fall in love with you, but just didn’t. Of course, this is just our opinion based on the info you provided. Thoughts? Questions?

  22. Why would he wait for note than a year? Why he would say that smth is wrong when it got wrong so it still could fixed? Why would he say that he probably will regret his decision? Sorry its just doesn’t fit any logic. Because I’ve never met people who would not discuss problems. And in the end just say smth about personality…hm

  23. Thank you for your thoughts on this! I appreciate

  24. @Eve…We are sorry. Unfortunately logic doesn’t play a big part in this. Take care of yourself.

  25. Anonymous // August 21, 2016 at 2:31 pm //

    Hi. Looking for some advice.
    My ex and I broke up 8 days ago (we’ve been dating for almost 4 years) and it has really been hard for me. We broke up because I am a jealous person and at times it was hard for me to not let my jealousy out. I am so ashamed of myself and I’ve cried every day for the past week. I’m really trying to fix myself and I’ve been much more aware of my jealousy and have been taking a lot of time to control it and get rid of it. I’ve already told him how bad I feel and how hard I’m going to try and change and he says he still cares about me and he says he forgives me (but I’m not quite sure if he really does) but he said he wants some time to be on his own. He’s not sure how long he wants space though. He also told me he understands that I’m trying to change myself. Also the day we were breaking up he didn’t seem like he was pissed at me he just seemed hurt and while I was crying he was holding me. I have never felt so heartbroken, ashamed, worthless, and depressed in my life and I don’t know if he’s going to come back. I love him so much and I don’t want to ever lose him.

  26. @Anonymous…..We’re sorry you’re feeling so down and depressed. Hang in there. So…..Was there a reason for your jealousy? You seem to be unduly blaming yourself. Usually there’s a reason for someone being jealous. Fill us in a little more. We need specifics in order to respond. Did he do anything to make you feel suspicious of him? Any other details you can share about your relationship. The overall dynamic as well. How old is he? YOu? Anything else?

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