Break up confusion; will he come back?
Posted by rddesigns on April 17th, 2011and was filed in breaking up, breakups, Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with 23 responses, what do you think?
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THE GUYS
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Today’s question:
Dear Guys,
He kept telling me that he wasn’t sure that he was making the right decision and that he was afraid that he might regret this. I didn’t cry, I just kinda remained stoic; and he kept saying, “Don’t act like this. Don’t act like this is not a big deal. This is a big deal. This is not easy for me.” He said that he wants to be everything to me. He said that he wants to be the guy that I want to marry, but he’s just not sure how he feels. Confusing, right?
I guess my question is, is he really unsure or is he trying to make me feel better? Is there any hope that we can get back together? Just some more info, about a month ago, he started telling me that he feels like I’m not in love with him anymore, that something felt off. Nothing was off with me, but I was just going through personal problems. I asked him if he felt that way and was just deflecting, but he said no way. That he knew exactly how he felt for me. And that he was absolutely in love.
What makes a guy be so in love one minute and then just change the next? What the heck happened? Do you think he’ll come back?
LoriAnn
Dear LoriAnn,
It’s obvious he cares about you. And he’s probably really bummed that he doesn’t feel sure about you. But to us it seems like he’s deflecting and trying to put it on you. In general, actions speak louder than words, and he’s choosing to break up with you instead of trying to work things out with you. That is a pretty powerful message.
Guys do get scared about commitment, but if they really are into a woman, they keep that fear to themselves or share it with their buds. They don’t usually break up with a woman, saying they’re not sure how they feel. We’re not usually that stupid.
So to answer your question whether or not he will come back, we can’t really answer that, only ask you whether or not you’ll want him back if and when he decides to come back? And do you really want someone who is so unsure about you and the relationship? (We know he said he’s sure, but then why is he breaking up with you? We doubt it’s because he’s unsure whether or not you love him.) And if that truly is the reason, then you might be dealing with someone a bit too insecure for you.
We know you care for this man, but there are men out there who are certain of what they want and willing to work at the relationship in order to have it.
Good luck and keep us posted.
THE GUYS
Tagged with: break ups • breaking up • confusion • dating advice • Dating questions • guys • men • relationship advice • relationship answers • relationship questions • uncertainty • will he come back
[...] Break up confusion; will he come back [...]
[...] Break up confusion; will he come back? [...]
i and my boyfriend had an year relationship..suddenly after a small fight he said he wants time he is not ready for the relationship..i gave him time for about 3 months..now he says he dont want relationship anymore and says lets be friends…he says he cant live without me and he want me as a friend…will he return back?? should i continue with this hope..or he is just playing with me??
@Piya……..Actions speak louder than words. Look at what he’s saying, as opposed to what he’s doing. Are they the same or different? It’s all about consistency. If you want us to answer your question in a post, leave us a note using the form on the Ask the Guys page. Thanks and good luck.
i didnt get what are u telling….
@Piya….we were saying, leave us a note using the form above on the Ask the Guys page. What exactly is your question? Give us some more details about the situation. We’d be happy to give you our opinion.
Thanks!
i have submitted the details in the form…i will be obliged if u take my problem seriously and give the answer..thanks!!
So my ex boyfriend and I slept together a couple weeks ago and being with him reminded me of how much I missed him and still wanted to be with him. So a few days later I sent him a long message explaining to him that I wasnt being fair to myself spending time with him and that it might have been just sex for him but ive never subjected myself to being just sex with someone and that I regret that night and it wouldnt happen again. Not only did he wait until the next day to respond to me he told me he disagreed with everything I said and that I always say something drastic like im done with him then afterwards want to discuss it and he called me selfish and said once I get over myself I will realize he really wanted to get back together and it was never just sex with me. I told him he should open up more so I wouldnt have to read his mind before its too late but he never responded. So after thinking about it I was being selfish and I was wrong for assuming all the things I said even though thats how it felt I feel I should have never said those things to him because if I was on the other end of the message I would be really hurt so the next day I told him that and apologized, he never responded and its been over 2 weeks since then. I know hes mad but I did apologize and I really meant it. I think hes really letting me go but im not sure and I dont know what to do. Hes never went this long without contacting me and im tryi.g to be strong and not harass him with messages but its killing me that were not talking or even friends. Can anybody tell me what his actions mean, do you think he’ll come back??
[...] Break up confusion; will he come back? [...]
I was dating a man who is very busy in the community. He pursued so hard for about a month and we were in a relationship for a total of three months when he slowly backed off. After I noticed he was backing off I stopped contacting him for a month then sent a short email that told him simply that I missed him. He replied and told me to come that night’s event. I declined but told him to have a pleasant evening, but circumstances that were not in my control led me to have to go to the event since the event was at my local place of worship and I had to be sure to lock the door after the event was over. We talked afterwards and I didn’t bring anything up so he asked me what the email was about and I simply said that I missed having him around. He gave me a long hug and then came out and said that he was spending too much time with me and needed to stay busy doing the things that he does (as a leader in the community) and that this is the reason why he backed off and that this is who he is. I just said that I know and that I admire him for being such a great example and leader. when we walked to our cars he gave me a really long hug and said that he still likes me though. We left it at that. The only thing I said back is that maybe we can sometimes get together for companionship (not just sex) and we left each other. He sent a short email the next day in reference to something we talked about and I sent a short reply. This was about a week ago. My question is….since I never once nagged him or asked for his time or how he felt for me and all that stuff most men like to not talk about, and since I really showed him that I care for him by just holding on lovingly, patiently and loosely….could there be a chance that he may decide that he would like to actually have a relationship with me since he said he does like me?
@Sarah……Thanks for your question. Please use the form on the Ask the Guys page. Take care.
My common law partner of 10 years just left me. I know he loves me but I think he feels he isn’t in love with me anymore. I feel completely destroyed. He’s been gone since yesterday and hasn’t called. This is the first time this has ever happened. I haven’t tried contacting him. In the last 4 months he’s quit his job, took on a company and is helping his friend with his company. We don’t spend any time together anymore. I work too and our scheduals have been extremely different. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified.
@Lena…..We’re really sorry to hear this. Hang in there.
@D….Thanks for your note. Please use the contact form on the Ask the Guys page for questions. We hope we can help you. All the best.
My boyfriend made a mistake and had a fling with a female roomate. He says it only happened once and was a mistake. He claimed he wanted to be with me and move forward as do I . However, even tho this woman moved out, he is staying friends with her. Because he readded her to facebook, I deleted him when he did not answer as to why. We have not seen eachother for almost 3 weeks. He responds when i text or send an email but he has not initiated. He drives by my house every weekday as he drives a bus and picks up someone here but could go in another way so as to not drive by. He waves when he sees me. However thats it. Is there any hope for us or do i just have to move on. Before all this happened he told me not only does he love me but he is IN love with me. How can it just be over like that. Is that how guys are.
@Having a hard time………No, guys are not necessarily all like that. But he might be. The question you need to ask yourself is, if he’s truly in love with you why would he cheat? That’s a lot to risk don’t you think? Also, the fact that he’s staying friends with this woman is like a slap in the face to you. We would think if he really wanted to make things work with you he would be doing everything in his power—including distancing himself from the woman he cheated with—to win you back. He’s not doing any of this. So some things to think about. Good luck.
I been in a relationship with my bf for 3 yrs he is Like a father towards my kids we had ups and down but always work through it this time we broke up he slept with someone real close to me and my son. I tried killing myself cause I was in so much pain. He has Been here this week to look after me and is telling me he will be leaving this week be because he needs a break to be alone he tells me he won’t be with anyone and just need time to be alone… He can’t promise me he will come back but keep stating he does love me …. I don’t know what to do ? I forgave him and showed him how much I lOve him and need him and willing to do anything to work things out but still he is determined to leave ??? Will he come back ? And when u love someone why would u want to leave ??? Why would u slept with another women after just days of breaking up ?
@Saralynda……..We’re really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. Relationships are hard. And when you break up with someone it feels like you’re losing a part of yourself. However, please, please, please, find a professional counselor or someone to help you deal with your pain. Yes, breakups are hard but you are stronger than you think. And what about your kids? They need you. You need to always keep that in your mind. Now on to your question. The fact that he slept with another woman has nothing to do with love, and the love he feels for you. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with this other person. It’s just something that some guys do after they’ve been in long term relationships. They often just need uncomplicated, easy, simple, sex. (We’re not condoning this, just stating the facts.) Will he come back? If he says he loves you it’s possible. But it seems like he needs some space to breathe and think. And if you’re this intense about him it’s possible you’re smothering him. Remember he’s not just involved with you, he’s involved with your entire family. That’s a lot to take on. He might love you, but feel overwhelmed by the instant responsibility of your situation. He may love your family but not every man wants to take on the responsibility of someone else’s kids. Just be patient and see how this goes. But finally, please seek out some help to help you deal with all your emotions. Keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Take care.
Thank you so much getting advice from a stranger helps the most
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We recently just had a child together. I went to go visit him for a week or so and we had our arguments at times but got over it. But the whole time I was with him he didn’t seem himself so I would ask if he was okay and if things with us are alright, and he would tell me things are fine or he didn’t want to talk about that right now. And when I asked him to explain to me if we are still in a relationship or not and he tells me that he didn’t know. And then said he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I really don’t understand what’s going on because he normally isn’t like this. I know he might have problems expressing his feelings at times but never act like that. We normally talk things through if there is a problem but i feel like he’s pushing things away so he doesn’t deal with them. Can you please help me because nothing makes sense to me right now.
@Keshia……We’re sorry. This sounds difficult, especially when you add a child into the mix. So we’re not sure exactly what’s going on. Where do you live? Where does he live? How often do you see each other? Are you still intimate? Etc. We need a little more info in order to respond to your initial question. Thanks.
We live a hour away from each other and I can’t really say about the intimacy part. And we see each other now when we can because of our busy work schedules, before the baby. we would see each other every other week. And we normal spent the weekend with each other,recently we have been spending a week together like a family but at times i feel its too much. And when we do that i feel he doesn’t pay much attention to me, just are child. Don’t get me wrong I love he spends time with are child, but just wish he would give me some attention too. And when I want to talk to him about it he walks away from the situation. And I don’t understand what’s going on either because he doesn’t act like this.
And what really confuses me from time to time is that he tells family and mine that he loves me but rarely tells me. I over heard him talking to his family about me saying he cares and loves me a lot and would do anything for me. But im stuck because I can you say that and a few days later tell me you don’t want to be in a relationship right now?? I don’t understand.