Cheating boyfriend and his ex-wife

Dear Guys,

I have been in committed relationship with my boyfriend for 2 months. He has been divorced for twenty months was married for twenty nine years. He has had an on going sexual relationship with ex wife.

I was having breast augmentation surgery and he lied and said he was out of town on location during it. While this was going on, his ex came into town. He let her stay at his house and told me his phone had broken and he could not call me. He went and bought a new phone to prove it had broken but I saw credit charge card records that showed he was in town and that he took her to dinner. He then said he rode production back to town to talk to her because she was upset; he said he stayed an hour, got her onions rings, and went back to location.

Meanwhile I just had surgery. He did not call me or check on me. He said she just wanted to talk about her boyfriend, and he told her about being in love with me. He swears he did not sleep with her. I asked to see phone records, texts etc. on computer, to see if phone really broke. He said if he  has to show phone records he will walk. What do you think about not having any phone contact with her? She lives in Nevada and is waiting for her to get the rest of belongings out of his house. They have two children 28 and 25 years old.

Linda

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your question. Something you should consider when you think about your relationship. You’ve been together with this man for 2 months and he was with his wife for twenty nine years. They’ve shared more than half their lives together. That’s a long time to be connected and that also means it might take a long time for them to become unconnected. Here’s another post to check out that’s relevant to your situation. “Boyfriend and his ex-wife”

That said,  first thing that bothers us is the fact that he was missing in action during and after your surgery. We’re not sure of the impetus behind getting breast augmentation, but if it had anything to do with him, he should have been there to support you. (Even if it didn’t he should have been there.) We’re sorry about that. Frankly, this may be the biggest red-flag we see with your situation.

It’s clear that he’s still emotionally connected to his ex. Sure, a lot of people still need to have daily or weekly contact with their ex to raise their kids, but since his kids are already adults, child rearing is not the reason they’re so emotionally connected. Clearly they both have unresolved feelings for one another. Whether he’s having sex with her is almost irrelevant. (He says he didn’t. You suspect he did.) The fact that she still leans on him when she’s having difficulties in her life means she’s still open to him and wants him in her life. And the fact that he allows it, maybe even encourages it, tells us that he wants to still be connected to her.

So Linda, there are many things to consider here. Clearly, your well-being is not a priority for him, otherwise he would have wanted to be with you during and after your surgery. And doesn’t it seem ironic that he was with his ex-wife during that time? You need to think long and hard about this relationship. Asking for phone records isn’t going to help the situation. More pertinent questions to ask him are: Why are you and your ex-wife so emotionally connected? Would you like to get back together with her? Where do you see our relationship going? If you’re so emotionally attached to your ex, are you really able to be in a relationship with another woman, me? Once you get the answers to these questions, you’ll be better able to figure out how you want to move forward, or not.

We hope this helps you see things in a different way. Do you have any more questions for us? Ask away, or leave us a comment. (Below in the comments’ section.) And keep us posted. Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

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9 Comments on Cheating boyfriend and his ex-wife

  1. Hi, well it now 5 1/2 moths we have been together, exwife stuff still in house, my boyfriend has packed it all up, waiting for her to rent uhaul, to get it out. She just starting working at wallmart, just broke up with boyfriend she left her husband for, (my boyfriend), So now, she does not have a driver to drive uhaul to Neveda. Does not want to spend money on Pod or movers, pissed off at my boyfriend cause he will not have contact with her only communication to get her shit out of his house,(has court order what she is taking)no phone calls no texting to chew the shit. he says i am the love of his life and talking about me moving in, we are going to Maui end of January 2013, says he wants to retire and have a life forever with me, he knows he fucked back in Aug. 2012 big time, almost lost me. Does not want to be ex’s friend, no communication, no reason, children are grown. So that is where we are, her stuff, to severed the last cord,she making excuses,she knows she is out of picture, that he is serious about me, Aug., was a ploy to break us up, he realizes that, bUT BEING A MAN, NO OFFENSE, PENIS TOOK CONTROL,what a wrong choice he made…….Linda

  2. @Linda….Thanks for sharing. Did you have a question, or were you just commenting?

  3. I still having problem trusting him, will feel better when his ex wife gets her stuff out of his house. 29 years is a lifetime, to get over someone, have to trust his feelings are real and not a rebound relationship for him, to try to get over her…..what do you think? Linda

  4. @Linda…..It’s hard to say. We don’t know him, or what happened with his marriage. Why it dissolved. How he feels about that. Is their anger, or just a slow falling out of love? Right now, all you have to go on is his word. Typically when guys leave a long marriage, the last thing they’re looking for is another serious relationship. Although, we don’t know his age. Sometimes older guys are interested in getting involved again. But not typically a guy in his 40s let’s say. He says he is, so you have to take him at his word. But basically this is a “wait and see” situation. You’re going to just have to see what transpires after his ex-wife moves out for good. Keep us posted and come back and ask another question anytime. ps Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  5. He is 56, she left him, she is 49, married him when she was 18, he was 25. Never sowed her wild oats, he was devastated when she left, she left for 1 1/2 years than tried to reconcile for 7 weeks with him (came back) and left, told him she loved him but not in love with him, but yet wants him to move on and find someone, but yet continued a sexual relationship with him,after divorce, while she lived with her boyfriend in another state, whom she just broke up with. when she visits kids n grand kids stays with him no one knew and had sex like they were never divorced, such drama oy vey!! what do you think, he says he is done with her and manipulation, no contact, just wants her stuff out of house, cause he wants to mover forward with his life and me……..???thanks Linda

  6. @Linda…..He may understand that he needs to be move on from her and the marriage, but it’s clear she has an emotional, and possibly physical, hold on him still. That doesn’t mean he’s not very much into you, it just means he’s still susceptible to her advances. (Whatever form they come in.) The best thing you can do is try to support him, but not get in the middle of it. We know that’s going to be difficult, but in the long run it will be better for you. You don’t want him resenting you in any way down the road. Bottom line: She needs to get her stuff out of the house as soon as possible. And he needs to facilitate that process.

  7. Hi, I could sure use with your advice…..I moved to this new country 9 months ago….and 3 months ago in met this really amazing guy or so I thought he was….we were very happy and in love until I found out he has another woman back in his country a woman he then claimed to be married to but separated I then approached the woman on Facebook to ask her and she did not bother responding instead he took it out on him…finally he admitted he was married but in love with me also and that we could still have a future he just needed time to figure things out but did not want to lose me….and I forgave him an we continued after all the other woman was in another country so I was ‘happy’ up until he had to go home to his country cause the mum was sick…only for me to find out again on Facebook that he went home for the actual wedding when I saw wedding posts from his wife on Facebook…I was torn and broken I tried to call him and he picked and lied that those were wedding pictures for their wedding last year but she had just uploaded some and that it was not current again I did not believe him and I in boxed the wife again to ask her and again she did not respond but took it out on him and he sent me an angry text why I dont trust him because I told the wife who they had just gotten married 2days ago that we were having an affair still and before he left to go see his ‘sick’ mother he had said he will tell his ‘separated’ wife about us because we work in the same country but she lives back in the home country…we broke up and 3weeks we did not talk up until last week when a friend lied to him that I am back with my ex boyfriend and engaged and now he is on a flight back here for us to talk….I still love him and I don’t know what he wants…he’s coming for the night what do I do cause a part of me wants to make love to him the moment he alks into my house and the other just wants to wring his neck for lying to me….I have never thought of been a mistress but this one rime

  8. Hi, I could sure use with your advice…..I moved to this new country 9 months ago….and 3 months ago in met this really amazing guy or so I thought he was….we were very happy and in love until I found out he has another woman back in his country a woman he then claimed to be married to but separated I then approached the woman on Facebook to ask her and she did not bother responding instead he took it out on him…finally he admitted he was married but in love with me also and that we could still have a future he just needed time to figure things out but did not want to lose me….and I forgave him an we continued after all the other woman was in another country so I was ‘happy’ up until he had to go home to his country cause the mum was sick…only for me to find out again on Facebook that he went home for the actual wedding when I saw wedding posts from his wife on Facebook…I was torn and broken I tried to call him and he picked and lied that those were wedding pictures for their wedding last year but she had just uploaded some and that it was not current again I did not believe him and I in boxed the wife again to ask her and again she did not respond but took it out on him and he sent me an angry text why I dont trust him because I told the wife who they had just gotten married 2days ago that we were having an affair still and before he left to go see his ‘sick’ mother he had said he will tell his ‘separated’ wife about us because we work in the same country but she lives back in the home country…we broke up and 3weeks we did not talk up until last week when a friend lied to him that I am back with my ex boyfriend and engaged and now he is on a flight back here for us to talk….I still love him and I don’t know what he wants…he’s coming for the night what do I do cause a part of me wants to make love to him the moment he walks into my house and the other just wants to wring his neck for lying to me….I have never thought of been a mistress but this one time I am considering I don’t know what to do….I am not engaged but he thinks I am…I have not been with my ex but he thinks I am and that is why he is coming tomorrow for us to talk….what do I do…….I still love him…do you think he loves me or what is going on?

  9. @Linda……What advice do you need? This guy is a player. And he cheated on his wife, lied to you, and yet, you still are interested. We’re not sure what we can say. We know what we’d do. Move on. But it’s up to you. Good luck.

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