Dear Guys,

I have been in committed relationship with my boyfriend for 2 months. He has been divorced for twenty months was married for twenty nine years. He has had an on going sexual relationship with ex wife.

I was having breast augmentation surgery and he lied and said he was out of town on location during it. While this was going on, his ex came into town. He let her stay at his house and told me his phone had broken and he could not call me. He went and bought a new phone to prove it had broken but I saw credit charge card records that showed he was in town and that he took her to dinner. He then said he rode production back to town to talk to her because she was upset; he said he stayed an hour, got her onions rings, and went back to location.

Meanwhile I just had surgery. He did not call me or check on me. He said she just wanted to talk about her boyfriend, and he told her about being in love with me. He swears he did not sleep with her. I asked to see phone records, texts etc. on computer, to see if phone really broke. He said if he  has to show phone records he will walk. What do you think about not having any phone contact with her? She lives in Nevada and is waiting for her to get the rest of belongings out of his house. They have two children 28 and 25 years old.


Dear Linda,

Thanks for your question. Something you should consider when you think about your relationship. You’ve been together with this man for 2 months and he was with his wife for twenty nine years. They’ve shared more than half their lives together. That’s a long time to be connected and that also means it might take a long time for them to become unconnected. Here’s another post to check out that’s relevant to your situation. “Boyfriend and his ex-wife”

That said,  first thing that bothers us is the fact that he was missing in action during and after your surgery. We’re not sure of the impetus behind getting breast augmentation, but if it had anything to do with him, he should have been there to support you. (Even if it didn’t he should have been there.) We’re sorry about that. Frankly, this may be the biggest red-flag we see with your situation.

It’s clear that he’s still emotionally connected to his ex. Sure, a lot of people still need to have daily or weekly contact with their ex to raise their kids, but since his kids are already adults, child rearing is not the reason they’re so emotionally connected. Clearly they both have unresolved feelings for one another. Whether he’s having sex with her is almost irrelevant. (He says he didn’t. You suspect he did.) The fact that she still leans on him when she’s having difficulties in her life means she’s still open to him and wants him in her life. And the fact that he allows it, maybe even encourages it, tells us that he wants to still be connected to her.

So Linda, there are many things to consider here. Clearly, your well-being is not a priority for him, otherwise he would have wanted to be with you during and after your surgery. And doesn’t it seem ironic that he was with his ex-wife during that time? You need to think long and hard about this relationship. Asking for phone records isn’t going to help the situation. More pertinent questions to ask him are: Why are you and your ex-wife so emotionally connected? Would you like to get back together with her? Where do you see our relationship going? If you’re so emotionally attached to your ex, are you really able to be in a relationship with another woman, me? Once you get the answers to these questions, you’ll be better able to figure out how you want to move forward, or not.

We hope this helps you see things in a different way. Do you have any more questions for us? Ask away, or leave us a comment. (Below in the comments’ section.) And keep us posted. Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care and good luck,


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