Dear Readers,
Join us on Twitter: We just joined. @TGPBuzz
Thanks for your interest. We are trying our best to answer all of your questions as quickly as we can. However, due to the number of questions we receive each day, you can expect to wait about a month before your question gets addressed. And keep in mind, that even though we try, it’s not possible for us to answer every single question.
Also, thanks to those of you who have donated. It does take a considerable amount of time to answer your questions thoughtfully and thoroughly. (Please consider a donation. We have been known to answer those questions quickly.)
THE GUYS
For Real Time Discussion join us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz
Some recent questions:
He’s a musician. Is he worth the wait?
He won’t bring me out with his friends
Friends with benefits: why me?
Kissing Cousins: Should we date?
Dating my ex’s friends: Friends with Benefits
I suggested Friends with Benefits; Did I just dig myself into a hole?
Hey Guys,
So there’s this guy that I’ve known since 3rd grade and we’ve always been really close. He wanted to date me our freshman year in high school but got too scared that it would ruin our friendship and never asked me out. (He still doesn’t know to this day that I know about this.)
I left after sophomore year when we were 16/17 to move to Boston to become a dancer and now I live in NYC. This past summer I came home. It was three years since I last saw him. (We’re now both 20.) When I saw him this summer we caught up hung out a couple times and we ended up sleeping together. I left to come back to NYC in september and we’ve been texting ever since.
Now he’s coming to visit. I’m really nervous and I’m wondering if he’s just coming to the city to see the sites and get laid. Or is he actually coming also to see me? I’m from AZ and he still lives there now so it cost a lot for him to buy a plane ticket to come up here. (He even had to borrow money from his dad.)
Does he actually like me and want to see me or is he just excited to come to the city and possibly getting laid is the icing on the cake? To me, spending all that money and getting off work and stuff says something. But maybe I’m just being a hopeful girl. Also could it turn into something more? I know long distance relationships are hard, but would a guy really be willing to do that? I’m so nervous and confused right now. Please help!
Brittany
Dear Brittany,
Thanks for your question. We can see that you’re nervous. That’s pretty normal. You like this guy and would like to see if things can progress beyond a physical relationship. And of course you hope he feels the same way.
It’s hard to say exactly what his motivation for visiting you is. Sex will absolutely be part of his expectation for the trip. His drive to have sex is so intertwined with his excitement to come see you that he’s probably having difficulty separating the two himself. In fact it’s likely he doesn’t even know exactly what’s driving him, and he won’t know until after the two of you have been intimate. (If that’s what you decide to do, which is up to you of course.)
Assuming you decide to sleep with him, pay careful attention to how he acts right AFTER you have sex—especially the first time. And by “right after” we mean, RIGHT AFTER and for the next 8 hrs. (Meaning, until his libido kicks back in. It’s different for every guy.) If he’s distant, or acts differently, you’ll know he’s probably driven mainly by his interest in sex. If he still is happy to be with you, and wants to go out on the town with you, hold your hand, and spend time with you beyond the confines of your bedroom then you’ll know he’s got more on his mind than getting in your pants.
These next four paragraphs are just general information about guys Brittany. They are for your information and for all of the other women who might be reading this.
Some women believe that making a guy wait for sex is the way you get them to commit. And this may be true for the short term. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means acting sweet, giving her presents, and doing all the things that his woman might like him to do. But a guy is still waiting to make his final evaluation until after he has sex with a woman. Meaning, the way he acts BEFORE sex does not determine how he’ll be AFTER sex. For a guy, sex is often needed for him to make a conscious decision about moving forward or not.
But this is tricky. You also can’t secure a guy’s love through sex. So sleeping with a guy to get him to love you or commit to you, will also not work. And in many cases it will push him away. It’s a fine and mysterious balance. We don’t have all the answers.
Finally, wanting sex all the time is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, having a healthy sex life with your partner is a very important piece of an overall healthy relationship. But both parties need to be giving in the bedroom as well. If your guy is not giving in the bedroom this will be a strong indicator of how he is in everyday life.
Bottom line: You have to do what’s comfortable for you. Every relationship is different. But you should never be pressured into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Go with your gut.
Enough on that topic. Moving on.
Yes, guys are willing to try a long distance relationship Brittany. You’ve probably heard that guys are incapable of being faithful in this type of relationship but that’s a crock of crap. It’s just an excuse for guys to be selfish and do whatever they please. Many guys are loyal and faithful. So don’t let that stop you if you believe you and this guy have a chance for something more.
Our advice: Take it slow. Keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. Introduce him to your friends. Listen to your friends’ opinions. And talk to him. Sure we know most people don’t want to show their hand, but in order for a long distance relationship to have any chance at all, it requires a ton of communication from both parties. And when you’re apart, texting is okay, but phone conversations or Skype are best.
Feel free to give us an update and ask us a follow up question. Leave your question in the comments section of this post.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us.
@Ann......Sounds positive to us. But you'll know more when he visits. Keep us posted and have fun.
@guys...thanks for the advice..we are talking on daily basis now...cam chat almost weekly. He's going to fly over here, planned to be in sometime early next year...what do you think, guys?
@Ann....Not necessarily, but just trying to get a sense of the distance. The distance is relevant.
I'm currently living in Singapore..is that relevant?
@Ann......Okay, thanks for letting us know. Good luck and have fun. Remind us again where you live? We just hope he's serious about this trip. We're pulling for you. Take care.
@guys...things have taken a turn. He is going to buy a ticket to fly here to see me. I was planning on a trip to go Europe, not cause of that I wanna meet him actually then he said he's going to fly over here instead..
@Ann......You're going to have to make that call. (You know the situation better than us) However, we stand by our original advice. We don't see this going anywhere really. So if you want to see him and have fun, then by all means see him. But if you're eager to move on and find someone who's got some long-term potential, then cut ties now. Thoughts?
@guys...while he was on close terms with me, we talked about everything and lotsa hours on regular phone calls. Everything kind of took a twist after a year or so...and then he has this roommate..he claimed that they were only friends..Right before he got this roommate, he had even sent me gifts from the states. Deep down I think he wasn't really serious of having this going on but from time to time the things he do would like trigger some hopes that made me think we might actually able to make this work. He did tell me that he does like me...but it looks like he not making an effort or anything to make this further..I'm not sure should I wait and see how it goes or just move on and forget about him.
@Ann.....Honestly, it sounds like he enjoys talking with you, and when it's convenient for him he reaches out to you to try to get together; but to us he's not really working that hard at it. Also, it's likely he disappeared for a time with some other woman. (Could have been his roommate or someone else.) And then he reappeared when that ended, and when he found out he was moving and might be lonely. So no, we don't think this is going anywhere. He's really not putting enough effort into it, because if he was way into you he'd be doing everything he could to see you, and he wouldn't have dated some other woman after meeting you. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Hi guys...I met this guy online over two years ago. We hit off and started chatting almost daily and then this went on voice chats, emails and eventually phone calls. The thing is he lives in the States and I'm in south east Asia. About 6 months we knew each other he went traveling near to the country I live in but he said he was traveling with family so couldn't arrange time out to meet me, which I thought it was kind of strange but I didn't push on and then while on the last day when he was in the country, he asked me out but I wasn't able to make it. So this daily chat and talk thing went on till around end of 2011 which the phone calls are getting shorter and only left to mainly emails only. One or two months later he got himself a roommate to live with, a girl. So basically I thought it was over and I've like given up and move on. Then around two months back, he started texting and emailing me before he was going to be relocated for work to Germany. And since then we are back to the daily chat thing again and like frequent video chat. I'm pretty confused and not sure if he is into me or he's only playing around...needs some advice from you guys..~"~
@Rose......Players are good at connecting in general. Funny, smooth, interesting. But we're not sure about the emotional piece here. What do you mean by that? But other guys are also good at forming connections. It's not like Players have cornered the market in Funny, Smooth and Interesting.
So the reason why I can't stop thinking about player guys is because they know how to form an emotional connection with me so easily. That could be also because I want the emotional connection and actually crave it, so if they are good at finding a way to get that, I'm susceptible to it. I wonder if I know how to give a guy an emotional connection as well? I always thought it was natural with the right person, but if players know how to do it with every woman than I think not. I think they turn into a chameleon though just to get to their end goal. I'm not willing to be a chameleon just to have someone love me. So frustrating though!!
@Rose...That's exactly how it works. So no, we don't agree with your guy friend. We're not talking about "happily ever after" with no problems. All relationships require work and commitment. But, when it's right between two people, it's actually easy. The relationship progresses and flows, and that's why it feels like it's destiny. So yes, you should be looking for that. But maybe what your guy friend is saying, is that the actual "package" may surprise you, or that you should be open to surprises. You have the right goal, but try to be open to meeting lots of different guys. You might be surprised at who "the one" actually turns out to be. We're saying, strike the image out of your head of who you think this person is, and just let the person appear in whatever form they take. (We're not saying date an ugly duckling, we're saying you might be surprised if you open yourself up a bit.) What do you think?
Okay, so I had another thought that I had to share. Is it weird/clingy/needy for me to date with this mindset: A guy and a girl meet, go out on a date, and they get excited about each other. They continue to go on more dates and then decide to be exclusive and then fall in love, etc.? I am looking for that guy who is just as excited about me as I am about him, and the way I judge that excitement is through their actions. Is this how I am supposed to think? My guy friend told me I'm living in a Disney movie. I hear of stories like this all the time. I have an example of this from someone at my work. He had been dating for awhile (not looking for a long-term relationship, but open to it) and met this girl. He said there was something about her he really liked. They dated and eight months later were married. So, it seems that's the way it happens when you meet someone you feel like is "the one." So, is it wrong for me to look for that? I actually am searching for that and when I have a connection with someone I would really like to date them exclusively to find out. Is that weird or abnormal? If it's not the way it's supposed to work, I could possibly change my mindset and maybe then I could meet someone, but I can't seem to change this mindset unless I have a good sound reason to do that.
My post might have sounded arrogant, but that is due to my insecurities. I feel like I'm enough but can't seem to validate that by finding a relationship. I know that is just me seeking validation about myself through a relationship, but I can't seem to stop. I think I have to prove it to myself before I can be confident in myself, but that is so hard to do since confidence is what gets the things we want the most. ugghhh, so frustrating!!
Sounds like a new idea for me to think about. I feel like I have no problem getting guys to approach me and ask me out on a date. They get nervous, seem really excited, etc. After the first date they always call or text but I start getting extremely insecure. I feel like they aren't going to be who I thought they were or that they aren't going to pursue me the way I'd like them too and everything falls apart. I would really like to meet a great guy who is high quality, thinks I'm high quality and I fall in love with him and he falls in love with me. I don't really see how that is going to be possible if all I date are players. Players are more concerned about quantity versus quality, but they sure do get excited when a quality girl likes them. Don't players ever wish they could find a companion? I don't understand how holidays and birthdays don't ever make them feel lonely? Maybe they are so focused on the possiblities of who they can get that they don't want to stop at any destination? Maybe they think, well if I can get her, I wonder what girl I can get next? I bet that's it.
@Rose.....We get it. What you're looking for is a combination of good guy/bad boy. All women are. All men are looking for a similar combination in women. Fun, flirty, clever conversation is always a turn-on. It shows the person is smart and confident. But don't assume because they don't do that right away that they're not smart, confident or even interesting. So how about this: Instead of looking for a bad-boy who might have an inner-good-guy, why not consider a good guy might have an inner bad boy? (Maybe it doesn't come out right away until he's comfortable with you. Why? Because he knows how to treat a lady so he isn't a game player. But then as things progress he lets his "hair down.") What do you think? Seems like you might need a new approach. Just something to think about, since we can see you're a thinker!
Yes, I always seem to be attracted to the player guys. I thought about that question you asked all week to really think about an answer. I think I pick them because I like a challenge. Player guys know how to give a woman a challenge, but the thing is... I only want it to be a challenge in the beginning, with a little bit of push-pull in their personality, but after we really start to like each other, I would like things to be normal. I'm a very analytical type of person, and love to play board games, video games, etc. I think that's why I enjoy the mind games in the beginning only because of my personality, but I don't want them to play games with my heart forever, just in the beginning. Is it possible to find love this way? I also think I watch way to many romantic movies where the girl and guy meet, he is a player, then he changes because he falls in love with her. Maybe I'm subconsciously seeking this type of relationship??? Not sure!!
@Confused......It does seem like you ignored some important "tells" as you call it. Although, he could have gotten defensive with that question and made a wise crack. (Even though you had this guy's number so to speak you might want to probe slightly less, with the first few dates. Just a thought)......So do you think you're picking the same type of guy? The player type guy? Because it seems like you clearly felt he was a player from the get go otherwise you wouldn't have asked the question on the first date. Is that worth looking at?
Thank you so much for replying so quickly. I forgot to mention when we were on the date he did something that made me pause.. it was like a tell in poker. So I asked him this.... I've been trying to figure out all night if you're really genuine or just a player. He responded with.. "a little bit of both." I think I should have ended the date right then. I never asked a guy that point blank before and never expected an answer like that. I think if I would have said, thanks for the great date, I need to be going home now... I would have left the date feeling less hurt.
@Confused.....We're sorry you're so upset by this. Question: Are you truly this upset by this one guy, or are you just completely frustrated with dating and men? To us, it seems a little bit of both. We'll try to make you feel a little better. (We hope) This guy is not worth going on a second date with. If you're looking for someone to be in a committed relationship he's not your guy. He's basically told you so. You didn't do anything wrong. He's just not looking for what you're looking for. Could that be an excuse to mask that he's not that into you? Possibly, but more likely he wants to be single and have fun and do whatever he wants. And frankly, we're surprised you didn't bag him when he said, "I'll see what I can do." That was offensive frankly, especially since you already went on a nice date with him. This is the kind of guy that gives guys a bad reputation. But rest assured, there are good guys out there. Try and be patient as hard as that may be. And stop wasting your emotional energy on this guy. Seriously. You deserve a guy who will love and respect you the way you love and respect them. You don't deserve a player. Thoughts? Does this help at all? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.
I need some advice about this guy I met through work. We went on a great date, had a lot of fun, and he ended up adding me to Facebook after the date and texted me 3 days after the date. I was really interested and hoped so much that he felt the same way. I thought that him texting and adding me to Facebook were all really good signs. But the weird thing was this, his texts were strange and not consistent. I still don't know why? This was what he texted me three days after our date... "Don't want you to think I'm that shady out-of-town guy. Just wanted to say hi and hope you're having a good week." So I responded to that, but never got a response from it. At the end of the week, I texted him and said I hoped he was having a good week. He responded right away and asked me what I was doing over the weekend and I responded, he responded back and then I responded to that, but then again he didn't text back anymore after that. This is when I started to get really anxious and freak out. It just didn't seem like his actions were backing up his interest. I know he lives in another state, but isn't this the time we should be getting to know each other? Why didn't he want to get to know each other more and ask each other questions? So a week went by and then he texts me and says he is coming back to my town for 2 weeks for work. We texted back and forth for like 5 texts and then nothing. So an hour later, I said, "it would be great to see you when you come out here." Then when I said that he responded right away with.. "I'll see what I can do." (It felt like he was waiting for me to take the initiative but yet he was probing for it.) So I said, "is that game play?" Then he says, "just me being a guy." So, I respond with, "hmmm." Then he responds with, "define game play." So I said, "trying to get the girl to chase, lots of fun, can't wait to play that game." Then he says, "ha." So I wait 2 days to respond to figure out what I'm going to say next to that "ha" response. Then he responds right away and says, "are we playing games?" I said, "I think so." He says, "well, I'm going to put a stop to it, have a good night, going to bed now." So I said, "okay you too." Then he doesn't text me for a whole week and when he does he doesn't ask me anything about me. He just says something about work. So, finally, I get really fed up. I deleted him from Facebook and sent him a message that said I think I'm more interested than he is and I was excited I met him and would like to see where things go, but since his actions aren't consistent, I don't think it's healthy for me to continue with this. He responds with this... "I'm sorry if I misled you, I never saw this as anything more than fun and casual. I would really like to go out with you again, but when you say that you would like to see where things go, I don't think we are on the same page." So I respond with something like this.. "interesting, well I'm not for free." So he asks me to explain. I basically tell him that I'm not about to lesson my value and date someone just to be their friend. Then he defends his fun and casual dating. And then I respond with this... "if you were so comfortable with your fun and casual dating, then why didn't you just tell me up front about it? Then weirdness happens: He says he has a lot of "gray areas" and would really like to take me on another date. So I told him that gray area wasn't enough for me and that when he is on the same page with me, he should ask me out again and if I'm still single I wouldn't mind going out with him then. He said that right now he isn't in a place in his life to be thinking long-term. My question to you guys: What does gray area mean? Why is he in gray area with me in the first place? He seemed really into me. Why does he want to take me out on another date if all he wants is fun and casual. We haven't had sex and I think he gets the message that I'm not going to especially now. He is coming here soon to my city and I think he is going to ask me out again, should I go? I will be hurt the entire time thinking this... "why am I getting rejected by someone who I thought was into me?" If I'm feeling that way, why would I torture myself? But at the same time, what if he just needs more time to be with me to figure out how he feels? Does he have more feelings for someone else? It hurts so much and I've been crying every single day since I told him no to another date, but I have basically been crying every day since he acted inconsistent with his actions too. I don't know what to do. I'm hurt because of his inconsistency and I don't understand it. Is he just really immature or is he not that into me? I hate thinking that way but I just wish I knew what was going on??? I hate not knowing why I'm being rejected because if it's something I did, I won't be able to fix it for the next time I like someone a lot. Should I feel like I'm being rejected if he wants to take me on another date? Dating makes no sense ever!
@Lauren.....If you're not both very excited about the prospect of you visiting we suggest postponing it. But let us know what you decide to do in general. And keep in touch as this progresses, or not. Take care.
@The Guys…Thanks for your help again. I think this is going to suck balls for me. :/ I don’t know if I want to continue doing whatever it is this long distance thing we are doing is because I feel like I’m doing most of the work here. I almost want to just cut off all contact with Ian, of course, telling him the reasons why. Then another part of me just wants to tell him I’ve changed my mind about visiting him and continue to communicate with him but stop reaching out; make Ian initiate all contact with me. This is something I will need to sleep on, but you guys have really helped me put things in perspective. Thanks!
@Lauren....Like we said, your brother was right, but the big picture is the issue, not whether or not Ian is bummed out. In general Ian seems very non-committal and kind of clueless when it comes to understanding what you're saying. Ian can't read subtleties. But here's something to consider: It seems to us that the two of you are so different. In the way you communicate. And what you need from a partner. You may think he's great, but there's a major disconnect going on that may never get resolved. If you visit, we'd go for no more than 2 weeks, and only if he seems very enthusiastic about it. (We don't get that sense right now) Otherwise Plan B. Just remember Lauren. When you find yourself in a situation that's all work and no fun then you might need to take a hard look at what you're getting out of it. This is starting to lean that way. What do you think?
@DE.......Typically we like the guy to initiate, especially in the beginning; but in your case, what do you have to lose? Reach out to him, let him know you'd like to keep in touch and then the ball will be in his court. If he blows you off then you'll know two things. 1. He didn't feel the same as you. 2. He's not the guy you thought he was. (But at least you'll know.) And if he does respond favorably then you'll just have to see how it goes. The fact that this is long distance means you're just going to have to be patient. Hang in there and let us know how it goes. And ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. Do us a favor? Please let your friends know about our site. Share on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBUzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Vote on our Ask our Audience page. Take care.
@The Guys…My brother will love hearing that he was right. :) I wasn’t going to ask Ian about me visiting when we instant messaged this morning (planned on waiting until we video chatted this weekend), but he brought up finding out the dates of his vacation so I thought it would be a good time to “test the waters.” I ask him what his thoughts were on meeting up in Seoul. Ian said that he had mixed feelings about it now. He said that it would be more money and require a visa for him, we would probably have to stay there the whole time unless I wanted to get another visa. On the other hand, he wants to see Korea to see what it’s like and get another stamp in his passport, but really he didn’t know. Ian asked me why I wanted to know this. I told him I did not think I gave him the opportunity the last time we video chatted to tell me why he wanted to meet up in Seoul. I told him I was cheap too and thought visiting him where he lived would save money for everyone. I told him I didn’t care what we did because the whole point of me visiting was to see him. I told Ian I understood him wanting to get out of where he lives for a bit, but that my concern with Seoul was we wouldn’t get to spend that much time together. Ian said that I made a good argument for not going to Seoul and doing something in China instead; he was convinced anyway. Then he said that we might see about me coming to where he lives for a bit if I really wanted to stay for more than a week; he would show me the highlights of the city and I would be able to meet his follow teacher friends and students. I told him before that I would like to stay at least 2 weeks to make it worth my while. He was kind of surprised by this when I initially told him. Does he think I will hate it in China as much as him and would only want to stay for a week? I don’t know. I did ask him today how long he would like me to stay for and he said 2-3 weeks, but it was really up to me. After this “testing the waters” conversation, does he get where I’m coming from as far as us spending one-on-one time together? I have no idea. He does need to see how his actions are impact others, namely me. If I have to constantly point out why his actions are hurtful, it’s going to be awful for me. I know I’m a sensitive person which is why I ask my brother, friends, and you guys if I am reading too much into things or taking things the wrong way before I say anything. If things don’t change as far as planning this trip, I think I’m going to do Plan B.
alright so, i'm having some trouble of my own. i was in paris for the past week on a school trip. i met this one guy the last 3 days i was there, he showed a little intrest at first, he always made sure he said something (just about anything) when he passed by me in a hallway, or the lunch room (anywhere he saw me basically). he was friends with one of my friends, but him and i hadn't exactly had an actual conversation at the time. the day before the last day all the schools attending the event we were at were seated for an announcment before my last day there and he sat next to my friend that was sitting next to me ( the same friend that i mentioned earlier), but he was talking to me most of the time. that last night they had a small party for all of us, and i'm not much of a party kind of girl so, he stayed out with me. he even tried getting me to dance but it didnt work for long. at some point i went in to get a coat i left and he sort of lifted me and danced with me that way, it was pretty sweet. so, i was supposed to be leaving the next day, and that morning he was saying goodbye and we were alone and he asked for my facebook information and everything. he was saying bye and we started making out. well basically i got home( i live over seas, around 6 hours away by plane) and i guess the first thing he did was add me, but he never said anything. i decided i'd talk to him since he was the one to add me ( and i had to hurry after that last thing because the bus was waiting for me), and as soon as i said hey, he said it was bad timing and he was just about to go shower and he'd be right back. (he actually spelled it out) and when i repyled i told him we could just talk some other time because i was pretty tired and was going to sleep soon anyways, and the second i wrote it he goes "back now", and it was litterally 3 minutes from when he said he had to go and from when i answered... and we talked for a few minutes and then i had to go to bed( time difference and all). and i was guessing he'd talk soon, since he added me and i talked to him since he made that first move, but i get the feeling he won't say anything(it's more of a gutt feeling). i know i haven't known him for long, but he's different from many guys, i know that's usually what everyone says, but he really is. even my friend was telling me about how he's great and that i should definitely try and contact him until i'm there next year because she knows he's a good guy. and she isnt one to trust others easily, so that should be a good sign... i could realy use some help i'm reallly confused as to what i should do about this, i can't help but think that he just won't talk, and if maybe i should talk to him one last time ( and yes, that's probablly a bad idea). what do you guys think?
@Lauren........Your brother is right—your emotional outpouring might bum Ian out—but your brother is not looking at the big picture. The thing is, Ian needs to see this for himself. He needs to understand how his actions and decisions affect others. (You specifically.) If you're constantly having to point out to him why his actions are hurtful you're in for a long and painful journey. The fact that he's not suggesting a one-on-one visit himself is pretty telling Lauren. If you mention this, he might try to accommodate you, but then you're going to feel resentful that he didn't come up with it on his own. If something doesn't change drastically with these arrangements, then we're on board with Plan B. See him when he gets back to the states. What do you think?
@The Guys…Well, I’m glad it’s not just me who is thinking this! Ian is 5 years younger than me, so no, you aren’t being unfair when you say he is seems kind of immature and a bit selfish. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve put in most (if not all) of the effort and I will not be a doormat ever again. I definitely want to talk to Ian about this, but how do I approach him? Do I tell him how what he said about meeting up in Seoul and him not wanting me to see where he lives made me feel? My brother, however, says it’s not a good idea to bring emotions into this because that will scare him (not sure if my brother is right here). What about a suggesting a compromise such as he goes to Seoul for bit and then I visit him where he lives when he gets back or vice versa? I could just tell him that I think it would be best if he visited his friends in Seoul and I will just see him when he gets back to the States maybe. Should I just cut my losses and forget about him? I don’t know what to do! I’ve never clicked with a guy like this before and I want to see where this could lead. I feel like Ian is into me, but it seems like he’s just not thinking things through at all.
@Lauren....We agree with you completely. This is not a little thing. He's not prioritizing your time together and we see that as an issue. We'd think with a five week vacation he'd be chomping at the bit to see you one on one for at least a week or so. Then he could spend the rest of the time with his friends. And honestly, we're scratching our heads why he doesn't want you to visit him. If he's cheap, it's the perfect situation. Who cares what you do? You'd be together. Isn't that enough? Lauren, he just seems kind of immature, and maybe a bit selfish. Sorry. Are we being unfair? We think you need to really have a heart-to-heart with him before you spend the money and make all of this effort to see him. We get the sense that he's taking you for granted. Because you're the one making all the effort. Your thoughts?
@The Guys…There was one thing that came up in my conversation with Ian that has been bothering me. He mentioned before we talked about me visiting that he has 3 friends (a married couple and a friend who is a girl) in Seoul, South Korea and was thinking about going to visit them during his vacation. He did tell me that nothing was set in stone yet. When we talked about me visiting last weekend, his initial thought was for us to meet up in Seoul. I was a little apprehensive about this. First off, I’m half-Korean and my grandparents live in Seoul. I could not go to Seoul and not see my grandparents. If my mom found out that I went and did not visit my grandparents, she would be crazy Korean angry at me. (I’m not opposed about keeping this a secret from my mom, I would just have to not tell my brother). Considering the last time I saw my grandparents was when I was 6-years-old, I think they would want to spend a significant amount of time with me. I told Ian all of this and understood my apprehension. I then asked him if he would be staying with his friends in Seoul. He wasn’t sure. I told him that if I went, I would probably have to stay with my grandparents because it would be free (I highly doubt his friends would like me staying with them and I don’t want to impose on them since I don’t know them). I also told Ian that Korea is VERY expensive, way more expensive than China. Ian responded and said that he is a cheap guy and wasn’t sure how much money he could spend in Korea. He then suggested that perhaps we meet up in Beijing instead. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic about going to Beijing (it could have been because it was around midnight for him in China). I asked him about me visiting him where he lives in China. Ian said that there is nothing to do there (this may explain why he seems to go to bars all the time and gets drunk a lot since there nothing else to do). I told him that I would like to see where he lives and works, but he said that he could show me the whole city (of 2 million people, mind you) in 1 day. Ian said that by the time his vacation comes around he will want to get out of city he is living in. I left it at that and Ian told me he would find out the dates he is on vacation. I guess what’s been bothering me is that I am taking off time from work and spending money to go and see him, not him and his friends. I’m sure his friends are great and I wouldn’t mind meeting them and spending time with them under different circumstances. I have a feeling though that Ian would be staying with his friends, they would show him around Seoul the whole time, and it would be more of a group vacation; I don’t think I would get that much (if any) 1-on-1 time with Ian. He is getting a 5 week vacation. I know he is not the best planner and he has admitted to this but couldn’t Ian go to Seoul for a week or so and spend time with his friends and then meet up with me on his way back to China, spending time in Beijing or where he lives in China? Any thoughts on what Ian was thinking or if he was thinking at all? Am I being weird about this? I know friends are important, and I’m feeling bad about the possibility of him not spending time with his friends because he is spending time with me. Thanks!
@Lauren.......This sounds positive. Please keep us posted. Good luck and have fun. Come back anytime to ask a question or visit. Also, help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask the Audience page. It only takes a moment. Thanks.
@TheGuys…Thanks so much for your response and it does help a lot! I know that I play things “close to the vest” and I think Ian does as well. And you’re right, Ian and I have an emotional long distance relationship going on here that neither of us is willing to admit to each other. For me, I just don’t feel like this is something I want to bring up on Skype; I’d rather do it in person. I do think that he is into me, but I just want to be reassured. We talked on Skype today about me visiting and he would like me to! Hopefully, Ian will find out the dates he will be on vacation and then I can start making my arrangements soon. :)
@Haley-Jane.......We understand about male/female roles. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and saying it out loud. It's much worse to pretend that you are something you're not. As per the phone. It's certainly okay, but not ideal. It's not as good as face-to-face, but it's much better than emailing or something. But considering the circumstances we don't think you should wait for the ideal time. If it's gotta be the phone then go for it. But remember what we said. There's no guarantee how anything will go. And he's also got to show you that he's willing to work and compromise in this relationship. Keep us posted.
This out of town job has really set a lot of things spinning. Right now he is there getting the specifics about the job like his schedule, when he starts,filling out HR forms,taking drug tests and all that common "new-job" stuff. He has nowhere to live in the new city so living out of a suitcase in a motel is a very real possibility. We will be speaking again soon and that's when I'll know what is what about his moving situation. This is my 1st 'adult' relationship but I totally understand we need to have a D.T.R. convo soon, like yesterday-soon. We havent had one thus far, partly because I really want him, as a guy, to control the pace of the relationship. Since getting past the ex-girlfriend hump, we've been in this fog of us against the world, just enjoying eachother's company and presence. And heart-to-heart, serious convos just have not happened. I want him to say I Love You first, I want him to initiate the D.T.R. convo just because I feel like if I do it, Im playing the dominant role when Im more comfortable being submissive. I know, the Women's Lib girls will gag at me saying that but I'm being honest here. I wear the skirt, he wears the pants and that's the way I like it. The last time we spoke, he promised that we will talk again soon and Im just waiting to hear back. We're gonna talk soon and that convo will most likely be a combination of define-the-relationship-job-info-update. Between you and me, I'm committed to doing whatever to make this work. If he's down to try long-distance, I'll try it. I seriously love this guy and I would never tell him not to take a job offer when I know how much he's struggled without one. My biggest fears are that he'll want to cut contact because he doesnt want me waiting for him or something. But guys, he's moving 1 hour and 30 minutes away! We drove longer than that to see his friend's band! I just want us to endure this move and still go ahead pursuing a real deal relationship. We need to tell eachother our feelings, we gotta say that "L" word and we gotta do it soon. I understand that. im just afraid! I'm afraid, I'm scared as h*** that he's gonna come with bad news or something, I dont know. BUT i am prepared to spill my guts to him.I've always imagined when we have the D.T.R convo, it would be in person with us looking into eachother's eyes, etc. But with my 2 week Thanksgiving vacation coming, that probley won't happen. Is it okay to have a D.T.R. convo over the phone?
@Hayley-Jane........Nice to hear from you! Thanks for giving us an update. There's a lot of positive stuff here. We're glad for you. A couple of things. Why haven't you defined the relationship? You're well past the point and should be having that conversation. Now it's going to be coupled with another conversation about having a long-distance relationship. Here's our take: You're at a crossroads, and maybe that's good. You're going to know everything in the next month......How he really feels about you? What kind of guy he really is? (Can he work through this with you, or does he bail.) How he reacts to a bump in the road. How he deals with stress. Does he see you as someone with long-term potential..........Hopefully, and from what you describe, the conversation will be positive. And he'll say he loves you and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep the relationship moving forward. But.......If he even hints that the distance is too much then we strongly suggest you move on. To us that would show a major character flaw. And if he hints that he's willing to give it a try but only if you move, then the same. He's got to show that he's willing to compromise, otherwise you're in for a lifetime of issues. But let's not jump the gun yet. Have the conversation ASAP. We know this is scary, but now you've got no choice. You can do it. Has he hinted at having the conversation himself? What do you think? What's your plan?
Hi Guys!!!!!! I posted a question this past summer and you guys gave me the best advice about my "sorta" boyfriend and his ex and a big mess with him contemplating going back to her and she's yelling my guy gave her hpv...It was a big mess and I never got the chance to give you guys an update on the whole sordid situation. Long story short...he chose me. We continued on in our relationship and what a surprise! He starts asking me out on dates! Going for late dinners, road-tripping a few towns over to see his friend's band play. We have movie nights, we watch nfl and nba with our own special, sarcastic commentary. We sleepover every days at the most, every 7 days at the least. Just the turnaround and change has really been amazing to see in him. To be blunt, it's been frickin MAGICAL! We are quite lovey-dovey, calling/texting as often as we can. It has been a dream. I gave you the sugar, now here comes the salt: he's been out of work for maybe a year on and off. He lost his house and moved back home with his parents. He's been back in school with me and doing pickup work when he can. He has littered this city with applications and he hasnt been able to find full-time work. This week, he got a call from out of town about a job in a city that is 1 hour and 40 or so minutes away. He's moving. There's no way he can commute and Im a full-time student barely affording textbooks. We arent 100% official because we havent given ourselves a title (bf/gf) and we dont end our phone convos with 'i love you'...'i love you too' although we are progressing toward that level. I realistically felt us moving toward THAT level before this whole moving away business came up. We have made concret plans to talk some more after he goes and finds more out about the job and his schedule and human resource stuff. What that conversation is gonna be like, i dont know. I go on Thanksgiving break away from school starting monday.....for the next 2 weeks so I wont be able to spend time with him face-to-face for AT LEAST that long. My question for you guys is: given the above info, do you think he's gonna be open to an official long-distance relationship or do you think he's likely to break it off with me? :( Your opinions please!!!
@Lauren....We can't see how he would be put off by you being interested in visiting him. It's probably exactly what he wants, even though he doesn't seem like he wants to admit it. He seems like a "close to the vest" kind of guy. Is that true? And that's how we would define your "relationship." Both of you are being protective of your feelings, afraid to open up in case the other might not be as into it. To us, Ian seems like he's into you. Everything he says—"I miss you a bit" "I made a mistake coming here" "I'm only staying a year" "I miss conversation" "I miss the town I live in" etc.—point to you. Does this help? To us you're already in an emotional long distance relationship but you're both doing your best to try to ignore that fact.
@The Guys…I had written you back in August about a guy I was dating, “Ian,” and him going to teach English in China for initially 10 months and then he later told me it could possibly be 2-3 years. I wanted to give you an update and get some more advice. Ian did not leave at the end of August as planned due to visa issues. He ended up staying in the US for another month, during which time we continued to date and called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. When he finally got word that his visa came through and was going to leave at the end of September, Ian told me he was not as excited about it as he thought he would be. We agreed to continue contacting each other via email and Skype (Ian brought this up more than I did), but we were not going to do a long distance relationship (more his idea than mine). He told me our last day together that he was going to really miss me (without me saying anything) and right before he got on the plane to China he sent me a text message telling me how he thought I was a lovely person and was really going to miss me. I figured I would not hear from him for a few weeks at the very least once he got to China because he would be busy getting settled in to a new country and a new job. Ian contacted me first after being there only a week. He has been there almost 2 months now. We have regularly instant messaged each other (every 1-3 days) and we video chat almost every weekend. Ian usually initiates communication; again, the ball is in his court. It’s important to note that I am not putting my life on hold while Ian is in China and I am continuing to live my life although I am not actively seeking to date someone right now. I’m focusing more on work and doing stuff I like. When Ian first got to China, he was really excited about everything and would tell me. Every once in a while, he would say offhand remarks like, “It’s so good to talk to someone (me) without using hand gestures.” Whenever we talk I am always supportive and positive. I always ask him a lot of questions about what China is like (I’m actually interested) and telling him what I’m up to and talking about our common interests. A couple of weeks ago, Ian told me he has decided only to stay in China for a year; he will be back in June. Needless to say, I was jumping for joy in my mind. :) I asked him what brought this about. Ian said that before he left, he had been reading a lot about the experience of others teaching English in China. They said that unless you want to live in China permanently (Ian does not want to stay there forever), just do it for one year and get some good work/life experience. While you might be very well off in China, the longer you stay in China the more your capital goes down in the US. Ian also said that he really enjoys conversation and he is unable to do this with Chinese people because he doesn’t speak Chinese and they don’t speak English or if they do, it is not very good. Ian has not said anything about learning Chinese either. The only other westerners he is around are the 5 other English teachers and Ian said that being around/talking to them only for the next 2-3 years will get really old, really fast. Ian isn’t sure what he’s going to do when he gets back to the US. Earlier this week we were instant messaging and he told me that he missed being in the town we both lived in. I couldn’t believe this because before he left he talked about how much he hated it here (not that I love it here either), so I teased him a little bit about it. I asked him what he missed about the town and he said, “people, places and things,” and that he missed me…”a bit.” I told him that I hypothetically might miss him too…a bit. I have been thinking about possibly visiting him in China when he has his next vacation. Not only would I want to see him, China is on my list of places to visit; I want my picture in front of the Great Wall and the terracotta soldiers. :) I hadn’t said anything about my interest in visiting him because I did not feel the time was right. Today, we video chatted and he mentioned how he was not sure what he was thinking when he decided to go China. I guess things aren’t going exactly as he had imagined but he didn’t really get into this. I asked about his plans for the holidays and when his next vacation would be. I was trying to see if he had any plans before I let him know that I was interested in visiting him if invited. Ian said that he and the other teachers may do a special meal for Thanksgiving and they may get Christmas Day off. He does have a 5 week vacation sometime (he’s not sure when) and he was thinking about visiting 3 of his friends that are in South Korea. I said to him that it sounded like he had plans already and that there was no point in me asking my question. Ian said that I should know how he is with plans and nothing was set in stone yet. At this point in the conversation, his Internet went out. I decided to take a chance and went ahead and sent him an instant message that he would get the next time he got online telling him that I would possibly consider visiting him if he invited me. Would Ian be put off by me being interested in visiting him? Would he even want me to? If he said no, I would be ok with it. If he does invite me, I cannot guarantee him that I would actually be able to go. I guess I just don’t want him to think that I am being needy or clingy. I have no expectations of visiting Ian and him suddenly waiting to be in a long distance relationship with me; I would find this a little weird actually. When he returns in June, we will definitely have to discuss if we want to be boyfriend/girlfriend again or not. The relationship we’re in now is something I have been unable to define to others (if you have a definition of what is going on here, I would love to know it!). He misses me, I miss him and I would like to go see him if possible. Any help you can offer would be great. Thanks!
@Aprhodite...We responded on the International Long Distance post.
Hello. I met this guy during a one-month training overseas. During our second week, he told me he’s in love with me. He did try things just to be close to me but I did not reciprocate his feelings. I told him to enjoy our friendship first. But as they days went by and we were nearing our final week, I began to like him but I tried to deny it because I was not ready and I was still recovering from a previous abusive relationship. We did things together like biking, singing, playing guitar and talking for hours in my room. Still, there was a part of me that could not imagine being with him. When the training ended and we returned to our own countries, I started to feel some separation anxiety. I began to miss him so bad. I emailed him, saying that I miss his presence and that I think I’m falling in love with him. My friends told me maybe I just missed his attention, but I knew myself very well and I believed that this not about that. After the weekend, he answered my email and said he’s happy to know about my feelings. We exchanged super sweet emails 4 to 5 times a day and talked on the phone twice but we were not officially in a relationship. Then I brought the idea of meeting in a country we both love. He suggested the place while I suggested the dates. I was so excited, but I sensed that he’s not up for it. He had so many reasons like he had financial obligations with his siblings, he will be busy this month and the following month, etc. I sent him a long email, asking for his honesty, asking him to tell me if we are on the same page, if I was the only one feeling this way, etc. I guess it was a pretty emotional email. When he didn’t reply, I began to worry and quickly sent him another email, this time saying sorry. The following Monday, I emailed him again, telling him about my day without mentioning about the emotional email. He replied, telling me what happened to his day and all the usual topics. I appreciated that he still answered my emails but the 4-5 emails a day were reduced to 1-2. He also became less sweet and more business-like. He stopped calling me pet names anymore and I felt he was growing distant day by day. I wanted to visit him in his country just to see if I would still feel this way if he’s near me. But I don’t know how to tell him without making him feel pressured or smothered. I’m scared that if I tell him about this plan, he will pull away from me completely. I don’t know what’s going to be his reaction. What should I do? I really want to see him and give it a try. If it doesn’t work out, then fine. If it works out, then good. I don’t want to close my doors. I don’t want to lose this mutual understanding that we have because this could lead to something more beautiful. Some guys really have a cruel way of making women fall in love with them without any intention of pursuing them. It’s just so sad. I hope you can give me your advice. Thanks.
@T.....Yes, you're only going to know how this works, and how he feels, and for that matter, how you really feel, when you live in the same city. (Or close) You may realize he's perfect, or you might realize you can't integrate into his life, or that you don't want to. Time will tell. But overall, this sounds pretty positive. We're glad his texts have more details/info than just hi. And it's good you have semi-regular communication. (Although the more you talk the better. We still think you have a lot of discovering to do about each other.) Your relocation is tricky. Yes, it would be good to have more than one reason to move, but either way he's going to assume you're moving because of him. We don't think you need to hide that fact. If he freaks out, well, that's a pretty good indication of how he views the relationship, and what kind of potential he sees. Sure, it's a big step, but relationships need to keep moving forward. If he's content with the status quo, then you might need to reconsider and move on. But for now, be patient and see what happens. Thoughts? ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Thanks for a quick response:) I plan on moving that direction within the next year, whether it be Nevada or Cali. As far as I know, he is not seeing other women. And I don't feel as if he is- although, like a normal human it has crossed my mind. (We did agree awhile ago to be exclusive as far as sex partners, assuming that still stands true.) His texts are usually more than hi... A small update on his day, or the shows he's doing and an "I miss you" is pretty normal. We share inside jokes as well. Mostly texts are mini conversations.I feel as if it's a mix between convenience and wanting to share his life with someone...but you're right he's definitely set in his ways. Obviously, everyone wants convenience. I would like to be hs girlfriend and eventually, maybe more. I guess I'm just stuck on how to get him to that level.... It seems as if relocation is the only option at this point. I also don't want to scare him off if I decide to move to the same city- he might think he's the only reason, which would be untrue.
@T......Well, first of all, do you have any plans on "going for it" and moving out to California? Or a temporary stay to network for your own career? Just a thought. Because honestly, the only way you're really going to know is if the two of you are in the same place. His weak communication skills are not going to change. He's 38, this is who he is. But that doesn't mean he's not into you. Questions: Do you know if he's seeing other women? How integrated are you into his daily life? Or is he doing his own thing for months at a time without you being involved? Meaning, does he tell you everything that's going on in his life when he texts you, or does he just say hi, etc.? Let us know and we can give you some more opinions. From what we have to go on now, he definitely seems into you, but what does that mean really. Does he want a woman to share his life with, or does he want someone he likes who he can see whenever it's convenient? (That sounds worse than we meant it, but you understand what we're saying) A lot of this depends on the degree for which he wants you. Or for that matter, how much you want him in your life. Does this make sense?
So.... Help:) I met a guy at Super Bowl this year in Indy. Nothing happened except breif lirting and a number exchange. He's older than me. I'm 25 and he's 38... Neither has ever been married, engaged or has children. I'm from the Midwest he lives in Cali. I kinda blew him off for like 4 months before deciding to finally visit him. So in June I went out for a weekend. He works in the entertainment industry so it was crammed with events, which was great since I model and old network as well. We had a fantastic time between his working and I met a lot of his friends and a couple family members. We did sleep together that weekend, and I was hoping for him to want more- however, definitely not expecting it. We spent a week together over the 4th of July and another few days at the end of July at his place. I just recently took a trip to Florida with him ( nt seeing him for 2 months because both of us are very busy) and met his entire family and best friend. I feel like they liked me and I really like them. His brother asked, via text,if he and his Girlfriend were coming over for dinner... He read this to me out loud and joked like this was a bad thing. I reciprocated A joke back. He ever used the term girlfriend in front of us family so I'm not sure what he or they are thinking. The trip went well... But here's the catch- I'm busy, but he's ridiculously busy because he owns his own company (entertainment industry) so his schedule is different daily. I'm nt complaining about the frequency of our time together. I undestand that. But his communication skills are horrible- on a personal level. We've argued about this before and he said he needs help because that's how he gets when he goes through busy periods with work. And for awhile he got better, then I let up and the progress has retreated to less than before. I made a joke about it in front of he mom and she agreed that she'll go almost a month without hearing from him. Thier family is very close. So it makes me feel a little better :/ When I say communication lacks it will be weeks without a phone call but texts daily or every other. Our sex life and communication in person don't lack at all... I'm sure he feels the same or he wouldn't spend his limited free time with me. My question is number 1... What the hell do I do? And number 2 is he considering me his Gf?
@Rebecca.......Well, please keep us posted. And please, try to enjoy this. That's what it's all about. Let us know if we can help you in the future. And thanks for letting your friends know about us. Share on Facebook and Twitter. That would help us out. Thanks! Be on the lookout for a whole new site (new look/content) coming within a month.
Lol you guys really do make a lot of sense :) It is super weird to say the boyfriend girlfriend thing out loud for me so I can totally see your point about that thanks! And you hit the nail on the head with the travel. I really don't mind being the one that has to do the driving but I would feel a whole lot better if he would reciprocate every once in a while. It is more about showing me that he is just as serious as I am. The long distance thing is super hard and he's a great guy and it has been worth it so far, but with the distance comes the second guessing at the same time. I just need to more effectively communicate my feelings about him coming to see me. Thanks guys and I'll be sure to tell my friends! :)
@Rebecca....First of all, we laughed at your comment, "Apparently I'm the kind of girl who has sex the second time she meets someone." Very funny and clever. Anyway, we weren't getting the booty call vibe at all. In fact, it seems like you're looking for things that might be amiss. Sure, it's smart to be in tune to everything that's going on. And you seem like an observant type, but right now, you don't have enough information to come to these conclusions. A few things we see. 1. His "special friend" comment was no big deal. If he hadn't said "special" it would have been an issue, but he did. It always feels weird to say "my girlfriend" the first time. Or how about this: my wife. So he probably just isn't sure about saying those words; but those are just words. Also, maybe he didn't want to say "girlfriend" out loud because you were right there; and even though you talked about it jokingly, he might not have been sure how you felt. It's hard to say something first. Like saying, "i love you" before the other person does. 2. Yes, he should make the effort to visit you. But his dog is a reasonable excuse. (Kind of) Why can't he get someone to dog sit? What he doesn't realize Rebecca is that him visiting you is more about showing you he's serious. If you knew he was serious and the two of you were a couple, we doubt you'd mind traveling to see him every time. Maybe it would be a pain, but you wouldn't be worried that he wasn't as into you as you were into him. It would just be something you did for the relationship, and he would do other things and it would all balance out. And that's the issue. The balance is off. So you need to make him understand that even though you have a roommate and he has this sick dog, it's important for him to come see you. It's important for him to make the effort. But overall, we see this situation as positive. He just doesn't strike us as the booty call type of guy. Your thoughts?
I have been dating this guy for about two months but we have talked for a lot longer. We met on an online game type of thing like a couple of nerds lol well he pretty much initiates our conversations about where things might go because he lives a little over 3 hours away. I'm kind of confused by how he acts and what he says. We have both been out of the dating game for 2-3 years prior to our "relationship." We talk everyday on the phone and text, some days more than others. I drove to meet him and we talked for hours and I felt immediately comfortable with him. We kissed but im not the kind of girl that has sex the first time i meet someone so thats all we did. I left the next day and went back a few days later and we had sex ( apparently I'm the kind of girl that has sex the second time she meets someone lol). We got comfortable really fast. I spent a week there when a couple weeks later when I was on vacation. When i was staying with him he took me to meet his dad and we had dinner. He calls me his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend to me when we talk but when his sister called and wanted to hang out with him he said he had a friend staying with him that would also be coming. I didn't think much of it until a couple weeks later he was on the phone with one of his guys friends and he said something to the effect that he was doing great because he was laying in bed with his "special friend" that came to visit him. Now I don't really feel like I need a label on our relationship but he put one on it but doesn't use it to anyone but me is that weird? I don't exactly call him my boyfriend to my friends either though, I usually refer to him as my boy toy but I wasn't the one labeling in the first place. He always talks about me moving in with him eventually and says things like "if we ever get married " so I think I'm a little confused by the informal use of the word friend when he refers to me while talking to other people. Also he has not once driven to me even though he acts like he wants to. A little back story on that is he lives alone in an apartment and has a dog that needs taken care of (which I said he could bring if he needed to) and I have a roommate so he thinks it will be awkward because I don't live alone. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on what you might think is going on here. Is that some sort of excuse maybe he doesn't like me enough to drive the 3 hours? I thought guys didn't care where they were as long as they got laid (which he would if he would would make the effort lol) do you get the vibe that this is just a long distance booty call and I am falling right into it?
@Wanda....You're welcome. Glad we could help. Good luck and keep in touch and let us know how things are going or if we can help in the future.
Thank you guys.I will move on for sure and I will try some of your suggestions.This is a great site.I will tell my friends. Thank you!!
@Wanda.......It's probably a mystery you won't solve. He could have just been feeling good and wanted everyone to have a good time. And as far as the sex, maybe he didn't want to take advantage of you, or it's possible he wasn't sure he wanted to have sex with someone he just met. Who knows? Stop fretting about this and move on. Maybe try some of the suggestions we made. It's time to start meeting some different guys in different places. Good luck and keep in touch. Let us know if we can help anytime. And once again, please spread the word about our site. Thanks!
Thank you for replying so fast!.I never thought it that way! And I guess you are right.He was a very nice guy but he just wanted to have a good time.He left me for the end of the day.I wasnt a priority.But why he wanted for me to meet his cousin and that night not to try to have sex with me??
@Wanda.....Well it could be just that he was interested in a good time and that's it. We don't think it was because you said, "You better call me." He was already showing signs early on that he wasn't looking for anything more than fun. Example: He didn't call when he said he was going to call. Then he calls later at night. Wanda, you met a nice guy in a bar, which is unusual, but rarely much comes from that type of introduction. Maybe he was more of a gentlemen than you're used to, but that doesn't mean he was looking for more. Also, he probably sensed you were and that probably made him feel like he had to give you the brush off. (He didn't want to be mean or have to do it directly.) Our suggestion: Try to move on. And think about trying to meet guys somewhere other than the bars. Suggestions: Take a class on some topic or activity you're interested in. Join a book group. Try MeetUp.com and do some activities that you enjoy. We think you'll have much more success if you meet guys outside the meat market that bars are. What do you think? Feel free to ask us a follow-up question. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.
Hello,I live in miami and last friday I met this russian guy in a bar.He was with friends on vacation.I hit it off with him and we end it up in his friends hotel room having sex kinda because he was kinda drunk and tired.After he took me to eat breakfast.what I really like it was that he show me so much passion and a very loving side.(Im hispanic and never thought a russian guy will be like that)He kissed me in my neck.Give me little kisses in my nose constantly telling about how beautiful I was.He loved my eyes and smile.He google my country and ask me stuff about it.We talk a lot.Then I left him in his hotel 7:30am.He told me he'll call me the next day (that day)maybe to go to the beach and go out.At that point I wanted to see him again but you know how guys are theyll say that and never call.I kind it waited for his call but I was really tired from the night before and I went to sleep and then he called at 9:30pm to tell me he didnt call me during the day because he left his Iphone charging in his room while he went out with his friends.He wanted to see me but he will call me again in 1hr or 2 to see what I wanted to do.At 11 he calls me that if it was ok to go out the next day because he was tired and needit to rest.I told him perfect because Iwas tired too.So sundayI waited for the call and when it was like 10pm I send him a text telling him it was nice to meet him and to send me the lots of pics he took of us.I go to sleep and he callme at1130pm.Again sorry that is so let he was hanging with his friends but If Iwant to do something and also that he wanted for me to meet his cousin.So I got ready and drove to him.Igot there almost at 1am monday morn he comes from the beach with his cousin both kind of drunk.Introduce me to him and then his cousin leaves and he is in a tshirt and bathingsuit and Iam more dressy Iask him if he was going like that to wherever we were going.And he insisted to change.i stayed in the car and 15-20 min later he is dress.And ask me if I want to go to eat.I said ok I drove ! around o ceandr is already 1:30 and he didnt want to goto any of the few places open because it was too loud and he wanted to go to a more quiet place.Lets go to downtown I said ok.15 minutes later we are going around downtown and everything is close.He ask a taxi driver and he tells us about a little bar.We pass by and theres like 3 or 4 people in and he doesnt like it.for me it could have been ok.Then we go back to south beach.He was trying to find a roof top restau-lounge.By the way inall this driving he is kissing me.Putting his head in my shoulder and holding my hand.Im very loving to so It was very cute.We park and go to the place but is of course close.A guy tell us that the only place open is a little bar. We walked there and is a bar like the downtown one.But theres more people.Itold him lets go in.I can see that he is not comfortable.I have notice since I met him he had money.The way he dress.The things that he like and I can see that those bars were not what he is use to.We order a drink and he show me a pic of me enlarge in his phone.It was so nice!and few others of me and him.He took them friday night.We kiss and cudled for few min until this group of people came in and were loud.He didnt likeit and he wanted to go!So we go and walk in a walkway by the beach.Talk kiss and then he wanted to get something to eat.But where? I told him the only place at 4pm is pizza rustica.We go and theres a lot of people. his cousin had called him and wanted something to eat.So we order for us to eat there and for hiscousin.I notice that he was impatient and didnt like the service we sit outside.I really wasnt hungry anymore I had a headache.He ate also a little bit and wanted to go so while Im driving to the hotel(by the way we coundnt go to his room because He was sharing his room with his best friend and the best friends girlfriend)I was dissapointed because I wanted(to be sincere)have sex.He was telling about this spanish song in the radio and I was not talking.I parked in a street next to the hotel and I looked at! him wit h my deep disapointed eyes.And he start telling me to stop looking at him like that.He was with his friends and didnt have time to arrange anything for us.I said to him I wanted to sleep with him.He says I know Im sorry but he was tired and he'll callme that day(monday) with plans for us.he was leaving tue but didnt even know at what time.I was like are you sure youll callme.And he is like yes dont be upset.And sometimes my problem is that Ithink stuff that shouldnt come out of my mouth and I told him you better call me!And he says what? Iknew at that moment I screwed up.I told him no Ididnt mean that And just to callme.Hegave a kiss and took the pizza and left.By the way he send some pizza to my teaneger son that earlier had callme to bring him food. while he was walking heturned around and wave godbye at me.He never call me again.I texted him since I got home that morning apologizing and left voice messages and nothing.He is still in the states.Im so upset because for once a guy didnt treat me like a piece of meat just to have sex.Ithink I was the one that treated him like that.Im so use to guys having sex one night and never call again And I found somebody that it was ok to be with me that day and it was ok not to go to bed.And I messed up.I got depressed and I cant stop thinking of himI still calling him and I asked him to at least acknowledge my messages and to at least send me the pics.I cant find him in social media.He had told me he didnt like to be in it.Eventhought I know he will be miles away in russia in a week.But he comes to the states often I wanted to keep his friendship and he was eventelling me he will like to visit me again.I wonder what could have been.He was a sweetheart.I just want you guys to give me your opinion of the whole thing.By the way Im some years older that him.Thank you
@Mimi......You're welcome. Glad we could help. Please let your friends know about us. And of course, if you felt you got good advice we happily accept donations no matter how big or small! No pressure though really. Take care and let us know if we can help in the future.
hmmm you're right.. its not about what he wants but if he can do it..and he failed before, twice. I'll just wait and see how it goes. And thank you guys a lot, u gave me great advice. My friends and family shut me up whenever the conversation turns about him, cz he hurt me before and stuff. So i didnt have anyone who'd listen. Thanks!
@Mimi......It's not a matter of him being willing to do a long distance relationship, it's a matter of how committed he is. Meaning, the two of you could agree to have a long distance relationship, but if he's not completely committed in his mind, who knows what he'll be doing for the time you're away from each other. (That's a lot of unaccounted time.) That's the question we have here. Do you trust that he has your best interests in mind when he's out in the world? Only you can make that decision, but be careful not to let your feelings cloud your judgement. Mimi, we don't doubt he cares for you a lot, but relationships require much more than sentiment. They require follow through, and we're not so sure about his ability to do that.
Well he was willing to do that before, when he said he'd do a long distance relationship..we said we'd visit each other so why cant he be considering it now? And about being committed..its true that he left before, but he comes back when he realizes that Im the person he needs..for support and other things. Doesnt that count for something? Im pretty sure he loves me, and to be honest i couldn't feel the same way about anyone else here..and its been over a year. Thing is, I have no idea whats going through his head right now, what do you think? And sure i'll tell my friends about you, u guys are great :)
@Mimi....He's all over the place that's what we see. He definitely has strong feelings for you, but he's also definitely not in any place to be committed to one person. (We're sure he's getting around even if he's denying it) So the question is, do you really see this guy as someone you want to have a serious relationship with? And honestly, how serious can you be if the two of you are in different countries? The reason we say that is because long distance relationships require a ton of focus and commitment from both people. He's not even willing to do that, so how in the world can this relationship blossom? We don't think he's playing you intentionally—he's been pretty honest with who he is and what he's able to give—but we do think if you pursue this it's going to be a long and difficult road and then not necessarily produce the result you want. Does this make sense? Feel free to ask a follow up question. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Ok so this guy and i have been through A LOT. It started 2 years ago in high school and it was deeper than a high school sweethearts kind of thing. I was the one girl he was a 'good guy' with, but even then, when things got hard he let me go and got with someone else in less than a week. and i was the longest relationship he had. Anyway, when we made up later he told me that he did that because he loved me and could see things getting serious and he wasnt the serious type so i guess he kind of freaked out and 'did whats best for me'( letting me go before we get more attached). He heard bad stuff about me from his best friend and with a few misunderstandings, we stopped talking for months. Until i told everyone i was moving to another country. He came to make up and we did..but never took my no. or email or anything(we deleted each other earlier) and after i moved by 3 months, i initiated contacted, and he couldnt believe we were talking again. We talked and i forgave him, we fixed the misunderstandings and he told me he wanted a LDR which i agreed to. It was hard..for me and him, i got insecure and obsessive..i made a huge mistake, lied to him when i know lying is something he cant take and he told me he never wants to speak to me again. And i didnt..for 3 months. And now he's back again, he got lots of things in his life going wrong and he needs me. He apologized for over-reacting and promised to make it up to me and told me that i was the one who helped him and he needed me and he felt bad. he also said that we should be 'friends'.. but he's not acting like it! we skype, and he's all lovey eyes and he texts me when he wakes up and before he sleeps..he tells me everything, we talk all day, all that. And Im still in love with him. I havent been able to think about anyone else those past 3 months. But he tells me we're both free to see whoever we want, he also tells me he misses me and implies that there are still feelings..what do you think? Is he playing me? Is he too scared for us to screw up again?! does he not know what he wants? Im kind of confused.
@Nicole......It's always a relief to know one way or another. Thanks for letting us know. Hope you're okay. Please keep in touch and let us know if we can help you with anything else in the future. ps. And don't forget to tell your friends about us. Thanks!
I just got this text from him: "Hey, you know I don't mean to lead you on or to be making things 'couple-y,' right?" So my gut instinct was right after all. This is how he feels about it! And it's such a relief to know for sure! I didn't even have to ask! So yeah. There you go :)
@Nicole.....Great. Take care of yourself.
Alright. That's good advice, this really has only been going on for two and a half weeks which isn't long at all. I should be comfortable waiting a month or so. I'll let you guys know. Thanks!
@Nicole.....This doesn't sound like just flirting. To us it seems like he's interested. But one thing to think about. Actions speak louder than words. He can say all these wonderful things, and talk about all these plans but if he doesn't follow through then you need to take a hard look at that. But right now it's too soon to know anything. Be patient and just wait and see. And definitely keep us posted as this progresses or ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. Good luck! ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Not recently. In like January there was something where we were laying down and he was kissing me all over from like the neck up, but never on the lips. And we also held hands that same night. But that was way back at the time when I SUPER liked him, and he was "interested but didn't like me," and he didnt want to be tied down by a relationship going into the military, bla bla bla, aka he just didn't like me. But since then, nothing but cuddling.
@Nicole....Before we respond we have a question for you: Has anything physical happened between the two of you besides cuddling? We're just trying to see at what stage this "relationship" is at.
Me and my best friend, who is a guy, let's call him Mike, are very open. I used to really SUPER like him (probably stopped about 6 months ago), and in the process we got to know each other very well. He knows that I liked him, and when it comes up, I just kinda talk about it nonchalantly. He is also just a huge flirt in general, and so I used to get frustrated all the time because he would do these things that would make me think he was changing his mind about me or something even though he didn't like me. WELL. We're past that stage. And now he's in the armed forces, and just finished with boot camp stuff and he's at school for his branch for the thing he's specifically doing, and he has his phone back and we've been talking a lot. And he's called me five times in 12 days, I haven't called him, and we've talked on the phone for 30-45 minutes. When he was in town he never used to talk to me that much. And he's said he really likes talking to me and asks if he can call me again. And when he found out I had kinda researched the school he was at and knew all of the info, and that I had researched it because I worry about him, he said "You are too cute. :)" And he always tells me to admit it, I'm infatuated with him. I might as well just admit that I'm in love with him. Jokingly, of course. And when we were on the phone, he said he missed me (in a serious tone) 3 times. And he calls me beautiful all the time. And he's going to invite me to his formal armed forces event as his date. And he tells me I'm beautiful, and we cuddle when he's in town, just because he's a cuddle guy haha. And he says he's going to drive down to see me when I go to college and my college is 6 hours from him. And he's trying really hard to find a ride back home before I leave for college so he can see me. And most recently he's started trying to call me babe, then after my protests finally switched to honey, then finally per my request to darling.. But I guess my question after all of that is, Is there any way that he's just being his normal flirt self, and that he doesn't like me? I haven't exaggerated any facts, and I've presented this as honestly as I can. I'm really asking this because it's not the same behavior he used to have, so I'm wondering if his feelings have changed along with his behavior. And I really don't care about the outcome I guess. I just want to know what you guys think. The hard thing is since we're not in close proximity anymore its really hard to apply all the tests you find online for stuff like this. Thank you!
@Lauren......This all makes sense. We actually weren't suggesting that you try to convince Ian to stay. We were thinking that maybe HE would decide that this relationship he has going with you was too important for him to go. (That doesn't mean if he goes that he thinks it's not important.) We were just wondering to ourselves how he views meeting people. Because like you, we believe you don't meet someone you have a great connection with everyday. But we like your positive attitude. And your plan is solid. The ball is in his court. And reading your new comment we can see that this trip might be good for Ian on many levels, not just financially. He seems like he still needs to find himself, and maybe this trip will facilitate that process. Good luck and definitely keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
@The Guys…thanks so much for your response! It does make me feel better that this is a sort of thing is common. Ian graduated from college last December and has been unable to find a full-time job because of the economy. He has been working at a local coffee shop part-time to pay the bills. With Ian’s student loan payments starting to kick in, working part-time at a coffee shop isn’t going to cut it. His plan is to work in China, live cheaply as he can, and send back most of his earnings to pay down his student loan debt. He has mentioned going to grad school when he returns from China, but not in the current city we both live in. I would be willing to move to another city not just to date him but also for better job prospects for myself (I have been regularly looking for jobs in other cities). Before we had “the talk,” I told Ian that I wish he wasn’t going and that things were different. He wished things were different too, but that there is nothing he could do to change the fact that he is going to China. We agreed to spend as much time as we could together before he left. When we had “the talk,” he told me that there have been issues with his visa paperwork being approved and this is why the company changed where he was going to in China. Apparently it is easier to get a visa to this new province they are having him go to now. One reason he is going on this road trip to California is to submit his visa paperwork to the Chinese embassy; 3 weeks until he leaves and he still doesn’t have a visa to go. During “the talk” he said that if he doesn’t get his visa while he is in California, he is going to have to see if his plane ticket can be refunded or something. He also mentioned that he is contracted to work at this school in China for 10 months for sure but that beyond this he has not decided what to do; he may come back after the 10 months or may stay there 2-3 years to pay down his student loan debt. I didn’t mention this in my original post, but his friends kept asking me at his going away party if there was anything I could do to persuade Ian from not going to China. Me being me turned this into a joke and said I have tried all my “womanly ways” to persuade him with no success. At the party Ian said to one of his best friends, “Jim,” that Jim could probably persuade him to stay. Jim said that he would like Ian to stay here but that he understands that Ian feels this is something he has to do and would not try to persuade him from going. I understand that Ian has made a commitment to do this and while I don’t like it, I respect it and I don’t feel it is my place to ask him to stay. If we had been dating longer I would consider going there with him, but this is not the case. I would hate for Ian to look back and regret not going to China when he had the opportunity. I would also hate it if Ian made a commitment to have a LDR with me and feel that he did not have the freedom to do what he wanted in China. I want him to go there and have a wonderful experience without having to worry about me back in the states. I am definitely going to go out and have fun while he is away and my friends will make sure I do this; I’ve got to live my life. :) I will let him initiate contact with me while he is over there. He is going to be busy teaching and settling in to life in a new country as you said. I am going to give him my contact information before he leaves and then the ball is in his court. My friends and my brother have told me that they have never seen me so comfortable and myself with a guy before. Even my friend’s husband, who does not know me very well, said that he could tell that Ian and I really liked each other and got along well. I just feel there is so much potential for something great to happen between us. I have never met a guy I have felt so at ease and have so much in common with. I would hate to let him slip through my fingers just because he is going away for a while. I don’t want to look back and think “what if” with him.
@Lauren....Well, much of what you're describing sounds wonderful. The timing is unfortunate of course. When you first mentioned 10 months it didn't seem like a big deal, but then it jumped to 2-3 years. That seems odd that all of a sudden it changed. What's up with that? This kind of timing predicament happens more than you think. Sometimes the person leaving decides that they're not going to leave after all because they found something more important than their trip and they don't want to lose it. Sometimes people go and that's that. And sometimes people go, come back, and reunite. It's hard to say what will happen here, but your best bet is to stay in touch as friends and just wait and see. Of course that doesn't mean putting your life on hold. You should still go out, and try to be open to new possibilities. But we see no reason not to keep this friendship alive. But let him do most of the initiating, since he'll be busy. If he really tries hard to stay in touch then you'll know he's likely interested and hoping to keep the fire alive. Your thoughts?
@The Guys A month ago I gave my number to a guy who works at a local coffee shop. “Ian” texted me the next day & asked me out. Best first date I have ever had! We have so much in common & just clicked. Ian told me on the date he leaving for China at the end of August for 10 months to teach English. I decided to give him a chance & continued to see him. He is 24 & I’m 29. We have been seeing each other every 1-3 days & began having sex on our 4th date. Before our 4th date, I was going on a business trip & told Ian I wanted to have sex with him before I left. Ian said he wanted to wait until I returned to have sex. When I got back, he came over with flowers, took me on a motorcycle ride, & we had sex. I was concerned that things were going too fast & he may be using me. I haven’t done things so fast with a guy but it felt natural. Ian told me without me asking that he doesn’t go this fast & he said he wanted to make sure that I knew he was not using me for sex. His actions have reassured; usually he initiates dates, first he contacted me by texts & now calls me, wants to cuddle & talk after sex, he is ok that we don’t have sex every time we are together. He started to call me his gf & himself my bf without talking to me although we agreed not to date anyone else. Ian asked me why I was dating him because I have all things nice things & a real job while he does not. I told him I only have nice things now because of a job promotion a few months ago. I told him I’m dating him because we have so much in common & I liked him which was more important to me than what job he had. We went out one night & Ian brought up not dating anyone while in China. I took this as he wouldn’t be interested dating me. I told him I didn’t want to talk about China. I felt bad about this because the next day he got news about China & wanted to share it with me but didn’t. Ian told me a few days later he would be going on a motorcycle trip to California July 29 & be gone for 2 weeks. We talked before he left about what is going to happen when he goes to China. I apologized for telling him I didn’t want to talk about China. The news he got from China was that he’s going to be teaching English in more rural area of China than originally planned due to visa issues, but he will be getting paid more for this. He told me he didn’t know how long he is going to be in China for; it could be for 2 or 3 years. He doesn’t want me to wait for him for this long. I did tell him that if he had told me this on our first date I probably wouldn’t have gone on another date with him. Ian apologized for this & I know him being in China for 2-3 years may have been a recent development because of the location/pay change. It also seems like he won’t be moving back to the city we both live in now when he returns from China (I’m not opposed to moving which he is aware of). Ian said he does not know if he will be able to communicate regularly with me while in China because there may not be Internet access in the rural area. I asked him how he would feel if I started dating someone while he was away. He said he would be upset at first but eventually would be ok with it. He posed the same question to me & I told him I would be pissed if he started to date someone in China; this surprised him. I did say I would eventually be ok with him, but I would be pissed for some time. We have met each other friends & I asked him how he would feel if I started to date one of his friends. He said he wouldn’t like it. He went on to say that he does not find Chinese women attractive (I’m half-Korean & half-Caucasian so compliment or put-down? Not sure, lol.) & the only native English speakers that might be there will be from Great Britain or Australia and not America. He is going to China to pay off student loan debt & to gain life experience. I have yet to hear Ian say anything about wanting to learn about Chinese culture & language; this is his first time he is going to a non-English speaking country. Ian said he isn’t on good terms with other girls he has dated & he didn’t want that with me. We haven’t talked about previous relationships & I’m ok with this. We discussed his use of the bf/gf. Ian apologized for using these terms without discussing them with me. He noticed I was not using these words to describe our relationship. Ian said that he couldn’t find better words to describe what we had as we are definitely more than friends. I also told him that it would probably be best for us not to have sex when he returns from California. Ian said that he understood & the he has done the no sex thing before in previous relationships & would be ok. Last Saturday he had a going away party. He mingled with his friends, but throughout the evening he would come & find me to hang out. Ian came home with me & said he was glad we would be leaving as friends and we have had the perfect relationship. I teased him about this. I said things have progressed so naturally between us that why don’t we just write to each other while he is in China & that whenever he comes back to the US we will meet up & have great conversations again; he happily agreed to this. The next morning I drove him back to his house and we said our goodbyes. Later that evening, I was having dinner with my brother & Ian called me. He wanted to say goodbye in person before he left for California. I told Ian I was having dinner with my brother; he sounded a bit sad when I said this. I told Ian he could stop by & say goodbye. Ian was really excited when I said this. When he got there, I went out to the parking lot to say goodbye to him. He told me he was going to miss me & would probably be thinking about me a lot while on the road. I told him I was going to miss him too & the he was going to have so much fun on this trip. He has said many times (without me saying anything) how much he likes me, he wishes he could get to know me better. He told me he has never dated anyone like me. I just don’t know what to do about this whole situation & I cannot quite figure him out.
@Elaine.....Well, he seems like a nice guy actually. And if so, his behavior makes sense. He's into you, but once he started looking at this practically—that's what guys do—he started to dial things back. Basically he's thinking he's going to be gone a long time so he doesn't want anything hanging over his head. (Even if he's into you.) He's also starting a new chapter in his life, and wants to focus on that. If you're really into him, sit him down and tell him what you want and how you feel; take the risk. If he doesn't reciprocate, or acts all casual and uninterested, well at least you won't have any regrets. However, if you don't want to put yourself out there like that you're going to just have to see what happens when he's gone. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
@The Guys I don't know what to think of what is going on right now. I met this guy Garret about a month ago. We hit it off really fast and he asked me to hang out almost every day for about 2 weeks. We cuddled and held hands but we had not kissed or anything yet, which i respected the fact that he didn't just want in my pants. He was so amazing at texting me in the morning and keeping up with it through the day. He introduced me to his parents and we all hung out and talked for about an hour together. Then he took me to meet his sister and i thought everything was going well..extremely. I laugh with him and i just think he is absolutely amazing. The night before i left for vacation we had hung out and i texted him when he left and said 'no goodnight kiss for elaine?' and he said he wasn't sure if i wanted him to since he was leaving..he began to go on and say 'I really like you, alot' and i told him i really liked him alot to..and i was so happy.. I went on vacation with my family and he was kind enough to watch my cat for me while i was gone. A few days into me being gone he just somewhat quit texting me...i barely heard from him unless i texted him and asked how my cat was. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I came home and ended up going to a party he was having and while i was there he barely spoke to me. The next day he brought me my house key and he brought his buddy along and he said to me something about some kids stealing something from his house at the party and then i took the key and he said 'See you around'....are you serious? See you around? I just didnt understand what had happened to 'I really like you alot'. It took him over a week to come see me again and when he did he didn't stay very long...it was actually a little awkward which i never thought i would feel that with him. Then he came over again about 4 or 5 days later and everything went perfect..just like nothing ever happened. He was leaving and honestly in fear i wouldn't see him again before he leaves for Basic i said fuck it and! i kisse d him...and the way he kissed me back, i have never had a kiss like that in my life..he meant it i know he did..:/ He just doesn't act sweet like he was being before i left on vacation and he doesn't really text me..he will ignore me. He has said he does not want to get attached since hes leaving but i already am..When he leaves i he will be gone for 4 months then be back for one month then leave again for a long while. I just don't know whats going on in his head...I don't know if i should write him while he is gone.. I want to write him every single day. I don't want him to idk..shit..what do you think?
@Megan...You're welcome. Let us know if we can help in any other way. Take care and keep in touch.
Thanks! Some well needed reassurance :)
@Megan....You're worrying too much about your ability to make a good decision. We don't see your loneliness driving this. And when things are right people know immediately. (Obviously things weren't right with the guys you've dated since your ex, and to a certain extent your ex wasn't right either.) There's also no timeframe on being ready. Most of the time people don't think they're ready and then the right person makes them ready. So no, it's not too soon to contemplate a long distance relationship as long as he's on the same page. He has to be, or it will never work. So why don't you see how the visit goes, take your cues from him, let him initiate, and then touch base with us after that. From our perspective, it sounds fun. You've met someone you see potential with and that's always exciting. So enjoy it!
To do the long distance thing... I spent 4 days at a friend's cabin over the 4th and hit it off with her brother's friend who was up as well. I was hesitant because I moved 4 1/2 hours from their a few years back and really didn't want to fall for him. We ended up spending the weekend together regardless, not really talking about where it would go. He just got back from a year in Africa and is applying for jobs in different cities. I just got out of a two year relationship. I dated someone since and I jumped into things with him and of course was disappointed when we wasn't everything I wanted. Its been 3 weeks now and the long distance guy is planning to come stay with me. We have talked about what this would mean and if we would be ready for a long distance relationship (which I was impressed he was that mature to bring up) knowing if we saw eachother again it would inevitably go well. We spent 4 days together camping, he already saw me at my worst! We talk an hour a day and the more I talk with him the more I see qualities I like and could see a potential. The only issue being... I don't know what that "end in site" would be for us. I do have a great job but I am not in love with my location. I have friends where he is from and love the city. It seems strange to talk about all this now but necessary I guess when deciding to go for it! I just want to make sure in fairness to him that I am ready for this after just ending a serious relationship and being so lonely I feel I could fall for anyone. (Its not a lack of options, I have found reasons it would never work with a few guys localy) I just don't know what ready would be after ending my first long-term live in relationship with what I thought was my soulmate... Any advice on how to get to know someone long distance when casual dating isn't an option? I'm worried I will be so excited when he comes to visit to have companionship again that I don't focus on if WE are actually making a connection that could last.
@AMB......Yes, he's trying to move on. You might try to do the same. Good luck.
well he never really told be about his day. he would always say "its slow" or "boring" and when he was over at friends houses, he would just ingnore me till he was alone. and i thought in a relationship that there would be more communication and i would be important in his life. those where my only doubts and i didnt want to loose what we had so i implyed that we break up he suggested it and we agreed now we hardly talk at all.
@AMB......So why did you have your doubts? So was the breakup mutual? Some more info might help us answer your question better.
hay guys, So im in the military stationed on the east coast. i met my now ex boyfriend in the military around last december. we where in the same section. well we hung out and eventually started dating. we where physical in our relationship and we had our talks and he even told me he didnt care how long it would take he would wait for me. well in april he got relocated on the west coast. ya i know its a ways away. well we tried the long distance thing but i started having doubts. i didnt want to lose him as a friend. like i did in a last relationship.so we agreed to be just friends. well we would still talk all the time and txt back and forth, but latley hes been distant and now hardly txts back. am im wondering if he is moving on from our relationship or is he seeing what time will tell?
@Andie....We see no reason to stop the correspondence. Sure, if it doesn't work out it might be sad, but if you stop for that reason you'll just regret that you did. And there's nothing worse than regret in this life. Like we said before, at some point one of you is going to have to take the initiative about the relationship. These questions need to be discussed at some point: What's going on between us? Are you both interested in giving this a go? When will we see each other again? Just make sure that he's just as involved and into this as you are. We'd wait a bit longer and see if he'll take the initiative.
We were dating (I counted just now the few days and they were more like a month n half ) ... but no we never talk about it..but even when everything started we never had a conversation about feelings at all. the talking part is way to hard since we live so far away our schedules will never make it, so we write. and visiting.. well no but the circumstances are different, my university is with intern system so i am in jail for 6 more months, and so is he working on his thesis and stuff like that, and obviously we are just graduating so.. i feel like making excuses right?
@Andie......No, we don't think you're being ridiculous, but it does seem odd that he's not mentioning anything about his feelings. Is it possible he's not sure about how you feel? And what happened after you kissed? Was it just once, or was it a bunch of times? Let us know. It will help us give you a more complete answer. But, at some point, one of you is going to have to take a risk and talk about what happened, or about how you feel. Ideally it would be him. Could you hint around it without actually coming out and saying it? Has any talk of visiting transpired? Get us up to date and then we'll reply. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on any page of site.) No pressure of course, we're happy to answer as many questions as you have.
Hi guys! I was living in another country for 4 months,there I met a guy and we had so much in common and since we were both volunteering we lived in the same place and we had a relationship for a few days. to be honest he was the best kisser I have ever kissed. and it was awesome. anyway i had to go and it´s been 2 months since then. i thought that from the moment i went into the plain it was over, but he wrote me an e mail, not really long one, from the moment he got home and for the past 2 months we have been writing to each other every day. it is not like i miss you, love u blah blah stuff. We just tell each other how our days went, share lots of music, make fun of crazy stuff and that´s it. I am thinking that he is just being nice and keeping the friendship, and my friends here tell to stop replying because it might get painful. Do you think he is just being nice or is he writing out of whatever we had back there? Should i stop replying? for the past week i´ve been thinking about him over and over again... feel kinda ridiculous and lost... a little help?
@Kim.....We're glad we could help. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. And feel free to ask us another question anytime. Take care.
That's perfect! Yes that all makes sense. Thank you for keeping me grounded. I'm glad I had a breakthrough on opening my heart. First step isn't it. Good experience but better lesson. :-)
@Kim......Thanks, this helps. Here's the thing. It's obvious the two of you experienced a great connection, but remember where it happened. The two of you were on vacation, in a beautiful tropical paradise. It's the perfect setting for two people to meet and feel this strong bond. Not to diminish what you felt at all, but these types of connections do happen more often when people get away from their daily lives. Something about a new place, helps people drop their defenses, and makes people more open to possibilities. But there's also a fantasy element to it. Not that the feelings aren't real, just that it's completely separate from your day-to-day lives. So even though you undeniably felt a strong connection, now that the two of you are back living your lives, somehow for him he's not able to "see" how he can assimilate your connection into his life. Does this make sense? You may be the kind of person who believes that anything can happen if you make the effort. (We are too.) But he may not be that way. He may be come from more practical ilk, the kind of people that say, "Yes, it was wonderful, but now I'm back to reality, and it's time to put what happened in a nice little compartment in my mind where I can access it when I need a pleasant memory." So what we're saying is, he might have felt what you felt, and think you're a special person, but that doesn't mean he's going to make the effort to turn it into a reality. We think you let him know what you want again. If he doesn't do anything about it, it might be time to move on. Even if this happens and it's sad, we see what happened in a positive way. Now you know that you're walls can come down, and that you could be open to love and a relationship again. Take care.
Felt *LIKE soul mates, rather...
No, we have not been seeing each other since Hawaii. He lives in Canada and I in California. Undeniable connection that I cannot forget. And not just one kiss. The best week of my life and connection felt Luke soul mates. I felt he felt the same way. I guess time will tell if he has a realization some months down the road? Or if he sees the situation as too difficult to make more effort? I know I did shut him down but not in a way that said I wasn't interested. Only in a way that said I had walls up for years and he was the one who brought them down and I was ready to let someone in now (no one in particular, just ready to). And that he would always have a special place in my heart. He knows and told me what a very sincere person I am (he's right--wow, he gets me!), and he's a good man I can tell and responsible and a great dad. Better? Need more? :-). Thanks again...
@Kim.......So wait a minute. Have you the two of you been seeing each other? Or have you seen each other at all? The last we knew you shared a wonderful few days in Hawaii, a great kiss, and then an occasional text, with some flirting. Have we missed something here? Fill us in, and then we can better answer your question.
Ok it's Kim again. I have an update and it got complicated. To answer you, no, we weren't talking on the phone but it seemed progressing at a nice slow pace and that it could yet be future. A couple weeks ago (the same timeframe I got your response) I had sent him the Dear John text. Not due to any deficiency on his part, but that I needed the room in my heart for a different situation (thoughts of him were ravaging my brain and heart--overwhelming "what ifs" and realities of distance and circumstances also plaguing my being). Trouble is I still go to sleep with thoughts of him and awaken with same. When I "let him go" so to speak, just as I expected, he was very understanding and respectful of my requests of no further contact (and said that I'm a wonderful person and "sending you a big hug") since I mentioned I needed the room in my heart for a less than impossible situation. (3k mile distance--US vs. Canada ). Maybe it's not so impossible after all? I cannot seem to shake this feeling of "he's the one" or even "he could be". I was very surprised at my feelings being so strong. I cry almost nightly over him. I know!! I have never met anyone like him in my life, as little time as we knew each other. Something the soul just can sense about another person in a short time, i.e, can i trust them, are they kind, etc. But I don't want to fool myself either. I wonder if he's thinking of me still. Do you think so? Will he ever contact me again do you think? I think 3k miles is a short distance to find the love of your life--but I refuse to pursue any man. I'm very old fashioned for one and have learned the hard way too. Letting men pursue is so much better. So it boils down to: a) though he respected my wish of no contact, if he has/had them, could strong feelings for me overrule this eventually? b) will his respect for my strong moral character and loyalty (loyalty to God first) gain his respect and realize he just can't let someone of good moral character go even though it was communicated that no contact should continue? He was married 18 years to the same woman and now divorced 3 years. I would probably respond if he came back with desires to pursue the relationship wholeheartedly. Or should I just continue with the grieving process? Thanks for your input! K
@Kim......Sorry, for missing this! Anyway, it sounds like a great week. It's a very good sign that he's texting you. Obviously you're on his mind. But of course life intervenes. Work. Distance. Kids. But yes, definitely there is a chance. Do you talk on the phone at all, or just text? Because we think you might need to drop a few hints that you'd love to see him again. He's flirting with you via text so maybe you could flirt back a little. If he mentions Thai food again you could respond, "When are we gonna get some Thai food together?" Or something like that. They key is to see him again. Then you'll have a better idea if this was something real, or a vacation fantasy/fling. If this is going to work we see this moving forward slowly. But the fact that you're both a little bit "older" helps, because you probably both have the means to visit one another. If you were in your 20s and just starting out it might be harder financially. Good luck, we have a good feeling about this. Feel free to ask us a follow up question and keep us posted as this progresses. And we promise to respond more quickly next time. Take care. Also, you might enjoy our "Relationship Memoirs" page.
Long distance situation too, but very early, but I cannot let go yet... We recently met in Hawaii. I went on vaca alone there (my galpal couldn't make it last min so I went anyway! I have been divorced 20 years, youthful 40s energetic....He travelled there w teenage daughters. We noticed each other 3 days before he made a move and sat next to me and bought me a drink. Not the typical slimeball. Very respectable well spoken well traveled classy white collar, 50s. We took a couple walks together on the beach path and a day date for thai food lunch and was the best kiss of my life!!! We kissed and got passionate with our clothes on outside in a hammock--no one was around....No sex or feeling up, just felt such easy chemistry with him. Dont get me wrong, he tried but respected me when i stopped him and didnt push it . He told me how much he loved kissing me. He's been divorced 3 years but is always traveling for work. That was 2 mos ago and the best week I had in a very longtime. I'm very surprised at the fact he texts me once in awhile and invited me to "drop him a note sometime to let him know how I'm doing" and "had any good Thai lately + a smiley face and that I'm a very sincere nice person. And that he really enjoyed hawaii+meeting you was really great" And that he was extremely attracted to me from the first time he saw me. He lives in Quebec and I in CA. Is there a chance or am I being naive?
@Kassie......Good luck. We wish you the best! Keep us posted. And feel free to ask another question anytime.
Hi Guys! I just wanted to give you an update. I was planning to wait to talk about what's going on with us until we saw each other again, as you advised, but he actually initiated the conversation saying that he'd like to see where things go despite the distance. We're going to see where this goes, with a full awareness that there are a lot of changes coming up in the fall.
@Kassie......First, let us say that there's nothing wrong with an over-active imagination, or imagination in general. We're big fans, that is, until it comes to wondering about relationships. :) Here's what we'd suggest. As difficult as it may be to not know exactly what's going on we think you should wait until you see him again. If that goes well, then there's no reason you can't be honest with him and have that discussion. Say what you said to us: "It's not often that I meet someone etc., but considering the situation—long distance and we're both busy—I'd like to know where your head's at." A couple of thoughts come to mind. The timing is good and not so good. Good in the sense that he's moving closer. Not so good, that he's starting a new chapter in his life and sometimes it's nice to be completely open and free when embarking on a new adventure. Having said that, we're with you. It's not often that you meet someone you truly connect with. (It sounds like on many levels.) If he's the kind of guy who gets that, he'll be the kind of guy who is open to a frank discussion. If he's not then he'll probably be non-committal, at which point you can decide how much time and energy you want to invest in it. Hope this helps. Please keep us posted as things progress and feel free to ask a follow up question. And, please let your friends know about us. Thanks.
Hey Guys, I met a guy at a random event while visiting a friend about a month ago. It's about an 8 hour drive from where my friend lives to where I live. This guy is friends with my friend's classmate. We really got along and spent the entire evening talking to each other, even after the event ended and our friends left us. We found another place to sit and talk until it became clear that unless things progressed and I went back to his place (which I was unwilling to let happen), we needed to find our respective beds. He walked me back to my friend's place. We then spent the next few weeks texting daily, had a few conversations over Skype, and managed to arrange a weekend to get together. That weekend was about two weeks ago and went really well. We've both admitted to having a really good time and expressed mutual wishes that it could happen again. Since then, we've still been texting daily and had a couple of more conversations over Skype. He has mentioned (multiple times) that in a few weeks, he'll be close to where I live again and that he has a few days off. Both of us have suggested it would be really nice if we could spend those few days together, although this would require some schedule juggling on my part. Nothing has been planned yet because he's not entirely sure of the dates that he's going to have off. I really like him and have made that clear to him. His response was not as straightforward. I am feeling a little more uncertain about how he feels since I haven't heard from his as much since telling him how I feel, although a recent text indicated that he had been trying to cut down how much he contacted me given that he knew I was busy with finals. He's asked about what I'm going to do during my brief break before summer classes started multiple times and has asked if I'm ever going to be able to take time off from work. I'm not sure what his motivation is for asking, but a part of me wonders if it has anything to do with arranging another time to see each other. Our texts range from the more mundane conversations about our days to more explicit topics. As much as I really want to avoid the "what are we doing" conversation, a part of me wants to have that discussion because I really like him and I would like to have a better understanding of where things are going. I don't often meet people that I can talk to as easily as I do with him or with whom I feel as comfortable. (This is something he has stated as well...) A large part of the problem, aside from distance, is that we're both very busy people. I work full time and attend grad school. He works odd hours (usually evenings) and is about to start an intense grad program (which is also only a few hours away from where I live). I'm not sure if I should try to 'define' what's going on between us or just let things keep going as they are, which while frustratingly slow does seem to be in forward direction. I'm also not sure if I'm reading a lot more into this whole thing than I should. (I have been accused of having an over active imagination.) Basically, I'd like to know if I should discuss what's going on between us and if I should, how to progress with that discussion. Part of me wants to wait to see what happens in the course of the next few weeks (as in if we actually get to see each other), but part of me would like to have a clear idea sooner, so that if nothing is going to come of this, I can stop spending as much time thinking about it. I also know that after a month is not a very long time and that texting is not the ideal way to communicate, but I hate talking on the phone. I would appreciate any advice on what I should do, especially from a guys perspective. Thanks.
@Mary........We're not sure what you need help with? From what we can tell he's into you. You're just going to have to see how this all plays out. But let him take the initiative for a while. Obviously be receptive and don't play hard to get, but let him be the one to suggest visits, etc. Also, he should be the one forking out the cash to come visit you, at least initially. If you start actually dating long distance then you can figure out your plan together.......frequency of calls, visits, who's paying for what, etc. Please feel free to ask us any follow up questions when things start to progress. Good luck and have fun.
I went to my cousin's wedding in Mexico for a weekend and my aunt introduced me to a friend of the family. We hit it off instantly ended up dancing all night and he took me home after the wedding (around 8am) and the next day at the family lunch we saw each other again and when I was just about to leave with my family he asked if I could stay longer and he would take me home. We went to my aunt's house and had dinner. He asked me to stay more days in Mexico, but I couldn't cause of work so he suggested we should meet again in 2 weeks for Spring vacation. It's been two weeks since that and we have spoken on the phone, he called the next day I came to see how I was doing. My family is very excited about the idea of us getting together and they tease him constantly. The last time we spoke we were making suggestions of possible get together dates and he even made me look for tickets to come see me ( we live about 3K mi apart). I really like him but I don't know what all of this means? He has called me 3 times, I feel like it can be more, but he is very busy at work. After we talked about the tickets he said he had some things to figure out and that he get back to me. That was 4 days ago...? Please need help and guy perspective!
@Jackie....Thanks for your question. On the one hand you say you'd really like to try to begin a relationship with this guy, but on the other hand both of you aren't able to, or aren't willing to make any compromises to make this happen. The reason we say that is because 7 years is a long time and who knows how both of you will feel then, or who knows if they two of you will both be single then. You have to put the pieces in place now unless you want to cruise along the way you've been going and see what happens. That certainly is a viable option. We totally respect that you want to pursue your career by going to graduate school, but we're just wondering how you're going to have time to jumpstart this relationship. Hmm......here's what we suggest. Figure out and map out when the two of you can see each other. (You probably won't have a lot of extra money so it will probably only be a few times a year. Maybe Winter Break, Thanksgiving, or sometime in the spring.) Maybe you'll have more flexibility to see each other over the summers. And maybe this could be more extended. The thing is Jackie you need Face-to-Face time to complement all the texting/phone/email communication. Actually being with the other person takes it from the virtual world to the real world. The bottom line is, if both of you are committed to making it work you'll be able to figure it out. It will take lots of communication and many discussions on how it will look. And that could change year to year. Finally, meeting someone you really connect with doesn't happen every day, so don't take this lightly. It is possible to have a successful career AND a wonderful relationship. Good luck! Feel free to ask another follow up question. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hey Guys, I have a long distance situation that I need help with. I've been best friends with this guy for four years, but he graduated college last year and moved away. We've kept in touch though, we usually call/text/e-mail each other 2 or 3 times a week. And he's been back to visit and I've gone to visit him. However, our relationship has always been platonic, but I've always wanted it to be something more, and so last week I straight up asked him if he had any interest in my as more than a friend, and he said yes, but we both agreed that we aren't really in a position to start anything. I'll be graduating in a couple months, but my graduate school plans don't take me anywhere near where he'll be, and his plans are pretty much set for the next 4 years. Thus, the soonest that we'd have an opportunity to be living in the same city would be 4 years from now (though its more probably that it would be at least 7 years, when I finish grad school). We are both very career minded people and so neither of us would sacrifice that to be closer to the other (especially, because neither of us know whether things will work out as more than friends). Is there a way to make things work long distance and successfully enter the dating realm with this guy, even though we live 1500 miles apart and both work 80 to 100 hours a week?
@Anonymous.......It certainly seems that both of you are attracted to one another. Just take it one step at a time. Enjoy spending time with him, but be aware that if something happens between the two of you during his trip this doesn't necessarily mean he wants something more. (It could, but we don't know his intentions beyond that he's attracted to you.) If you're interested in him, keep the lines of communication open when he goes back to Ecuador. Email. Facebook, etc. Even if you don't have an actual long distance relationship, by keeping the communication going you never know what might happen down the road. Feel free to keep us posted and ask us a specific question sometime.
There's this guy I like, he super sweet, nice, funny, and he's good looking as well. He came to Florida at the end of last week to stay over my best friends house since they're family and everything. That's when I met him. Those who say chivalry is dead are totally wrong. This guy is a gentleman and he seems like the type of person you can talk to for hours (proven since we chat on facebook everyday about everything till late at night). He's left to Orlando for a week until Tuesday when he comes back and I might have an opportunity to see him. My best friend told me he was talking about me almost the whole night since I left that Thursday and how he thought I was beautiful. My feelings are the same, even though we've know each other for so little, I feel like I've known him for years. The bad part about this crush is that he lives all the way in Ecuador (bummer). It's a relationship I'd be willing to go through, but I'm not sure if it's completely worth it.
[...] Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? [...]
@Brittany.....thanks for the update. Well the visit sounds like it went really well, until the end that is. This is a "wait and see" situation. It doesn't seem like he is playing you. It seems like he truly is a bit confused, and slightly adrift in his life....or at least with his career. You don't say how old he is and what he's doing for work, but it sounds like whatever it is he's not completely happy with it, and looking to make a change. Just as women look for stability in a man, guys also look for stability in themselves. If he's feeling unsettled, it will be hard for him to think about getting involved in a serious relationship with you. Give him a little time to sort this out. Be cool for a bit and see what happens. We know it's hard. But don't hole yourself up. Put yourself out there still. Go out with friends. Explore. Pursue your interests and passions. You can't wait around hoping he'll come around. He's either going to get his shit together or not. Keep us posted and good luck. THE GUYS
Hey guys, so He came last week and left. we had an amazing time. He took me out to dinner ever night. We saw the city,went ice skating and did the touristy thing and it was amazing. I had a show that weekend he came to see it and took me out to celebrate afterwards. He also got me flowers for the show along with just randomly one night when he came to pick me up from rehearsal. We did end up sleeping together but afterwards we ended up staying up late, talking and it was nice. The last day I couldn't control myself and I asked him "What are we?" and he just looked at me and said "I don't know, what are you looking for?" I told him "I'm not LOOKING, this just kind of happened and obviously I like you unless I didn't make that clear these past couple days, what are you looking for?" Then he said "I like you too, and I think you're amazing. Right now I don't know what I want in life though. I may go back to school and I'm talking to a recruiter to possibly join the marines. I'm just not looking for a big commitment right now. Let's see what happens and where this goes." Now it's been almost a week since he's left and when we used to text pretty frequently (every 1 or 2 days... leading up to him coming we texted more often, he's not a phone guy) and for majority of the day. Now we hardly talk and it's for maybe 30 minutes and then he just stops responding. So I'm assuming I fell for it and he's not into me and he did just come for sex and the city (no pun intended). Is there anything I can do to change things? I don't want to manipulate and I know things like this are difficult, but I'm wondering if it's something I did. -Thanks for your help before, you guys are awesome. -Brittany