Did he ever care at all?

Posted by rddesigns on April 5th, 2011and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with Just one response

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Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

So long story short. After 9 months of being friends with a guy I finally got the nerve to tell him I liked him. I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkward, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn’t until after about 5 months and we still spoke after.

Any way I said that to him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. His answer was, “It’s okay. Listen, we did what we did. No one got hurt. It’s not awkward at work. No one had to break up. And I’m moving to Canada next year(hockey).” I just said I understood. And like I said it was just something I wanted to say even though I knew what he was going to say.

I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, weren’t too clingy, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don’t fully get his answer. Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told “I don’t like you” vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying that.

I know this is silly but it’s bugging me a little. I don’t know if this matters but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.

Thanks for your help!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing to us. Your question is not silly. We totally understand how you might be feeling.

Let’s discuss the hooking up part first from a guy’s perspective.

Maybe this is true for women too, but a guy can separate sex and emotion pretty easily. Meaning, just because a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and is physically attracted enough to do that, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants anything more. He might want more, but having sex isn’t how he would show that. (He would show it by taking the woman out to dinner, giving her presents, and introducing her to all his friends and family.)

And we see this all the time. A man and woman are hanging out enjoying each others company over a course of months. They act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but nothing has actually been discussed about it. The woman starts to feel like something is developing beyond friendship and the man isn’t thinking that at all. (It could be reversed as well, but not as common because women express themselves more than guys do, so a guy would more likely know where he stood with a woman.) Anyway, once “hooking up” is added to the equation the waters get very murky, and now you have a situation like you’re facing.

It’s not that he’s blowing you off, or that he didn’t care about you, it’s just that the two of you never really talked about it. So it seems like all of a sudden the two of you are 180 degrees apart, when actually it may have been that way from the start.

If you truly don’t want to have any regrets you need to talk to him more. Don’t pretend this doesn’t bother you when it does. And don’t try to be cool. You won’t get what you want from life by being cool. You will get what you want by speaking up and going for it. It’s obvious you’re into this guy, so tell him what you really want. What’s the worst that could happen? He moves to Canada without you like he was going to do anyway.

We know this is hard Blake, but that’s what we think you should do. At least you’ll get the answer you’re looking for. And you know what? It’s possible after talking to him, something might develop. You won’t know until you go for it 100%.

Good luck. We wish you well.

Take care,

THE GUYS