Friends with benefits

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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public

Dear Guys,

I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now.  He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well.  We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out.  However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well.  He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while.  But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show.  I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual.  I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before.  I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with.  It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?

I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!


Dear Morgarita,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.

We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.

For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.

It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.

So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.

If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.

Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.


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96 Comments on Friends with benefits

  1. High Schooler // April 6, 2013 at 3:07 pm //

    So there is this guy that I have feelings for. About a year ago , we started talking and things just didn’t progress into a relationship. And we just stopped talking. He ended up having a girlfriend for about 7 months and we just ignored each other. But now that he’s single, I thought we should become friends again . That worked, but now I have feelings for him again. He knows this and in our group of friends he constantly says how he doesn’t want a relationship but wouldn’t mind the “v” . After that, we were texting and he told me I looked really good today. Times when we’re coming back from a track meet , we sit by each other and it’s usually a couple hour bus ride so we talk and flirt and dirty subjects come up a lot. We talk about how he’s enjoying the single life and he tells me of how he has a few girls he’s talking to and has made out with a few but still a virgin. He knows I’m not and that came up also. We got more into detail with this thing and these subject comes up a lot. I feel like maybe we’re both trying to hint towards each other that we should do more. I don’t know but it got me thinking . I like this guy a lot, but I know he doesn’t want a relationship any time soon and if I were to mention us being “fwb”, he’d go along with it. So is it possible for me and him to be friends with benefits and still end up as good friends because I don’t want this to affect our friendship and have us go back to acting like each other doesn’t exist? And if that’s possible, how would I try to tell him I want to be? I’ve read some things on how feelings shouldn’t get involved with friends with benefits because it’ll bring heartache and blah blah blah. But I know I would rather have a chance of some innocent fun then never being more then friends with him.

  2. @High Schooler……..We don’t recommend FWB. It’s a bad idea especially in your case. It will ABSOLUTELY affect your relationship. In fact, that’s what your relationship will be. You’ll be the girl he can get sex from whenever he can’t get it from someone else. Eventually you’ll grow resentful, hurt and angry. But it’s your call.

  3. there is this one guy that I am friends with benefits with and I didn’t really like him at first but then when we started to talk more and hang out more we started to play games with our two other best friends. we would play truth or dare and stuff and he would always dare himself to kiss me and hug me and stuff. me and him I thought were starting to get close but then he told one of my other friends that he was just friends with benefits with me. so then we hung out some more but I could noticed after a week or two we didn’t really hang out and it was like he didn’t want to anymore. friends have been telling me he has been pushing me away because they think he is starting to feel something for me and he doesn’t want that to happen so hes backing away. I mean we still talk and stuff but not as much as before and now hes starting to treat other girls like this too. first me then my other best friend and now this other best friend I mean he doesn’t kiss them and sit on them and hold their hands and stuff like he did with me which is weird but im sooo confused on whether he likes me or if im still just a friend with benefits. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. @Hayley….Sorry, we don’t agree with your friends. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he’d be pursuing you, not seeing you less. This is going nowhere, and it’s likely this guy is a player. We think you need to move on. But it’s your call.

  5. dopebacon // April 17, 2013 at 1:33 am //

    I had a girl ask if we could be friends with benefits but i told her no because that would mess up are friendship. We messed around acouple times i fell emotinally attached with her i knew her for 8years we still hangout daily but dont have sex not all women like to have sex all the time. So if your fallin for the dude jus date him cuz if yall are fallin for each other then it mite turn out to be a great relationship.

  6. I met this guy a week ago. He’s three years older than me and in college. I was a virgin. But he we talked everyday straight for a week. I know it’s not super long but oh well. Anyways, long story short I slept with him. I don’t regret it, I’m not attached to him emotionally. After we had sex, he opened up to me about his ex girlfriend and how she cheated. We had sex where he lost his virginity. Weird, right? Before this happened, we decided that neither of us wanted a relationship. He’s leaving soon and it’s just a good time. He asked me before if this was it and would we be done after. I said it was his call. After I left his car to go to mine he was like “Oh no hug or anything before you go?” this was 2 nights ago. He hasn’t texted me or anything. Which I’ve had to do the texting first but he always carries out the conversation. But based on everything, should I text him and ask to get together again? I want to be FWB. I really have no time for a relationship and he’s a sweet, fun guy. I just don’t want to be totally into it if he’s not interested anymore.

  7. @Kate….Let him initiate. He might be a bit unsure of how you feel based on your behavior. We imagine he’ll be in contact soon enough. Not many guys will turn down a FWB arrangement. If he doesn’t contact you within a week reach out to him. We don’t typically recommend FWB. It usually just leads to confusion, resentment and heartbreak. But if that’s what you really want, and he’s not initiating, put it out there and see what happens. Though, once again, that’s not our recommendation. But knowing guys, we’d be surprised if he turned it down.

  8. Hey I recently had sex with my guy friend and now it’s like I dont know what to expect when I see him. I have my moments when I like him and then sometimes I hate him when I’m not around him but its like in person we always flirt and under eachother…. He’s a big flirt however, so Should I keep messing with him or just leave him alone.

  9. @Monique……If you’re having sex with him hoping something more is going to develop then we recommend stopping now. Because it’s doubtful anything more is going to happen. You’re now in the FWB zone.

  10. Charlenea // May 9, 2013 at 2:01 pm //

    I have been having a friends with benefits relationship with this guy for about two months. After sex he sleeps over and wraps my legs and arms around him while we sleep. At the beginning we both stated we weren’t ready for a commitment and he told me not to fall in love with him. He texts me all day everyday. He gets weird if I talk to other guys. He said that if I have sex with, kiss, touch, or do anything with another guy I have to tell him. We have over 11,000 texts in the last two months and about 90% of them are initiated by him. I have started to develop feelings for him and I don’t know what to do. He says that even if we stop having sex he still wants to be friends because he cares about me and enjoys my company and conversation. Its hard not to feel like he has feelings for me. I don’t what to think about his around and

  11. Charlenea // May 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm //

    I have been having a friends with benefits relationship with this guy for about two months. After sex he sleeps over and wraps my legs and arms around him while we sleep. At the beginning we both stated we weren’t ready for a commitment and he told me not to fall in love with him. He texts me all day everyday. He gets weird if I talk to other guys. He said that if I have sex with, kiss, touch, or do anything with another guy I have to tell him. We have over 11,000 texts in the last two months and about 90% of them are initiated by him. I have started to develop feelings for him and I don’t know what to do. He says that even if we stop having sex he still wants to be friends because he cares about me and enjoys my company and conversation. Its hard not to feel like he has feelings for me. I don’t what to think about his actions. And I almost forgot we didn’t know each other prior to two months ago.

  12. @Charlenea……If he wanted a relationship with you he would have pursued that. Don’t let the texts fool you, or his weirdness about other guys. He’s protecting his territory. That still doesn’t mean he wants to get serious with you. He just doesn’t want anyone else to be with you. Like having his cake and eating it too. This is only going to get more confusing for you. Are you ready for that?

  13. Janelle // May 12, 2013 at 8:09 am //

    I would like some insight to calm my nerves.
    I have known my guy friend for 10 months. Over that time we have gotten to know each other pretty well and 5 months ago we became FWB. I don’t date and do not want a relationship with anyone. The four letter word and all the complications that come with it turn me into a track star….
    I do enjoy our time both in the bedroom and out, we hangout a lot. The sex is mind blowing! We are also workout buddies and go to the gym together several times a week. We go out to dinners, movies, road trips, he stays the night at my house and we usually cuddle lightly while watching movies.
    He is a shy guy and has always been very restrained about PDA. I’m very affectionate but have always respected his ways. It has always been just FWB behind closed doors, No big deal. We have talked point blank and I told him I’m not interested in anything heart related or serious. He also stated he isn’t either, he has never fallen in love with a woman. This made it an ideal FWB I thought.

    However his recent actions have me worried things have changed for him.
    He has been calling/texting more, getting irritated if I mention other men, he has been flirting a lot in public especially at the gym. The PDA thing has dissolved and he has gotten very affectionate. Holding my hand, caressing my face/hair, peck kisses, wrapping his arms around me, tickling.
    Last night he wanted to lay in between my legs with his head on my chest cradled in my arms while watching a movie (it was easy & comfortable – unnerving) insisting on major eye contact during…and he wanted to fall asleep after… holding me.
    His looks have been focused & lingering, touch softer… kisses more often/passionate and sex more intense. But his talk is still casual and detached.
    Please tell me I’m reading to much into this…. that it’s just because he is getting more comfortable with me.
    I like that idea.
    Signed: Crossed fingers

  14. I need help asap!!! I met this guy through a mutaul friend in February i had just got out of a serious relationship and wasnt looking for anyone. we went on a double date and started hanging out and making out.. Then one day at his house he said we should just be friends because i dont want a relationship, i dont want to be held back, etc. (due to that he was in a horribly controlling long term relationship where she cheated on him). Then after that he continued to text me everyday and hang out every weekend and acted the same and did sexual stuff. One time while spending the day together we had sex. Then he didnt text me for two days so i eventually texted him and asked why and he said i was overreacting everything was ok and that maybe we should be just friends without the kissing or anything. I said it had gone too far for that and that made him mad and we didnt talk but rarely when i would text him first for three weeks. Then he started contacting me everyday again for a week and we hung out and things happened. he said we can befriends and kiss. Eventually we kinda stuck to being just friends for like 5 weeks nothing sexual happened and we didnt hang as much. Then i was housesitting and had friends over and he came and stayed w me that night and we hooked up but didnt have sex. he stayed the whole day with me the next day and i finally gave in and we slept together again. He didnt leave till late that night, and ever since then we have been hanging out everyday on the weekends (we work opposite hours during the week) but he rarely texts during the week, if at all but as soon as the weekend comes he cant wait to hang. We spend the whole day together and hang with his friends and everything. Then he does thing nice like make me dinner and buy me my favorite ice cream for dessert.. This weekend he truth came out. We were at a party and drinking and the subject came up between us and my best friend and he basically said he does not want a relationship and im not his type (dark hair, tattoos, piercings).. He said i am cool to hang out with and beautiful and all of his friends like me etc. Heres the thing we get to his house that night and he says that i pissed him off at that party and said he doesnt treat me fair anf he knows he doesnt.. and something about it doesnt mean it wont ever happen when i said oh but im not your type. Talked with his best friend and his friend said he is picky and he knows for sure i have 100% the personality he wants.. Then i stayed and we slept together and he cuddled me in the mornign and kissed me goodbye which he normally doesnt kiss or cuddle just sex and kind of cuddle.. Mentioned cooking foof that day and what i wanted and then i went home and thought we were hanging later. told him to call me if he wanted to hangout and he never called even after making it sound like we would. So my guess is he is going to pull away again.. Heres the thing i care completely about hte guy. i know he cares about me, but his actions are completely comfusing me. and can he seriously like me so much but not date me becauase im beautiful but not the sexy bad girl he looks for? Is there ever a chance in this situation when he does want a relationship? What should i do at this point?

  15. @Janelle……He’s either falling for you, has fallen for you, or feels you pulling away so he’s holding on tighter. FWB usually end up in a swirl of confusion, hurt and anger that’s why we don’t recommend them. SO why don’t you want a real relationship? Is he just not the guy? Why are you protecting yourself? Have you been hurt before? What’s the deal?

  16. Janelle // May 14, 2013 at 3:54 am //

    Guys, that was not the answer I was hoping for…(big sigh). I was hoping I was just reading to much into things. I adore him truly, we have a lot of fun together. He is a great man and a amazing lover, if I was ever to decide to be in a relationship again….
    But his job will take him away in a year and so there is no future or stock in it. I’m thankful for your honesty.

    To answer a few of your questions…
    First, It’s the fight or flight instinct of self preservation really. It doesn’t make any sense to continue to do the same thing, expecting different results. I’m just no good at the relationship thing and I’m a magnet for men who are even worse at them.
    My brother always says… the common factor in several failed relationships, is the person recovering from it…again.
    So I don’t date anymore.

    Second, it’s also the wife vs mistress mentality. Don’t get me wrong I NEVER get involved with a taken person. I stick to one partner at a time and my 5 mo. FWB and I are both single. But having been on both sides of that coin… I choose to be his mistress, I have no desire to be in the little “wifey” role.
    I get all the fun with none of the heartache.
    And he doesn’t long for freedom and extacy, he has it. In the middle of the day I get sexy messages and calls, day or night I get secret rendezvous with all the passion, excitement and desire we can handle, anytime anywhere.

    Now why would I give that up intentionally just for a label of girlfriend?
    9 out of 10 girlfriends/wives would say eventually all that faded… that their men stopped doing those things, when things became… well stale & boring.
    Hmmm lets think – sadly waiting at home for the guy OR being the one he is out with?
    Wishing he would pay more attention again… OR being the one he can’t stop thinking about?
    It’s not a hard choice for me.
    No thanks, I’ll pass on the whole girlfriend thing.
    I’m sorry if you don’t agree.

    I really appreciate your insights to my questions, it has helped a lot. Thanks

  17. @Nicole……The ball is in his court. It doesn’t sound like he wants a relationship with you. He’s pretty much said it, right? Unfortunately you might need to move on. This is just going to get more and more confusing.

  18. @Janelle….We thank you for filling us in and being honest. We have no issues with you disagreeing with us. We’re just trying to be honest with you based on our experience. That’s all. Anyway, take care of yourself. We wish you well. Keep in touch. Ask another question anytime. FYI: Relationships don’t necessarily have to get stale and boring. Your 9 girlfriends play a part in that staleness they’re describing. By no means are we letting their men off the hook. We hear the complaints all of the time and most are warranted. But it takes two to Tango, for good or for bad.

  19. I just get confused because he doesnt want a relationship in general i don think its just me. or is it? i have heard him say no matterhow many girls i fuck i still like her (me) and he said that night that it doesnt mean it will never happen just because im not his type… at this point what should i say to him? i was thinking of being like next time he makes a move say “youve made it clear that im not your type and not girlfriend material so i dont want to get the emotions confused past friendship anymore. i dont mind kissing and i still want to hang out but as far as sex i want to save that for someone who is ready to commit to being with only me.” dp you think this is something i should say? and shouldnt his respnse give me the answer im looking for on how he feels about me? or what else would get the truth out wihtout being too pushy and push him away again cuz he seems to run when we get too close and he feels it too… if he likes me and im the onlyu girl he has found since his ex he actually likes then why do you think theres not a chance?

  20. My and fwb have started sleeping with each other again. He’s recently been showing the green eyed monster. I went out with a friend and he asked me if I’d pulled? When I said no and that I was with a male friend he said what about him? I told him his married and left it at that.
    But when I went over to his on the night he was questioning about my male and how his wife feels. I explained to him that I have more make friends than females. He asked how I’d feel if he went out with his friends girlfriend and I told him I’d be fine with it.
    A few days later I went out with some girls and he knew that. The next day he rang me asking for a lift. When I went over he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and he said don’t you want me anymore? I told him I was tired. He then went over to my lady bits and asked if anyone had been there? I just looked at him in shock and told him to get off me. I gave him cuddle and kiss and left it as that.
    I texted him to see how he was as he was on his annual leave. He said massaging me things like beautiful in spainsh and I would respond back. Then he texted me something I wasn’t expecting. He wrote I love you. I just joking wrote back saying everyone says that. I got no response.
    The day he wanted me to come over to hang out with I did. When I asked him if he knew what he’d texted he didn’t answer instead changed the subject by asking me what I thought and said did I laugh. I told him I thought it was funny as I didn’t feel you wrote it and being as thou you like having a laugh I just laughed it off. His face dropped. Why did write that? What’s happening with him? I’m so confused by it all ! Is it another silly game?

  21. Well i hung out again with him last night we were cuddling and he tried making a move and i told him i didnt want to have sex and he goes you just dont want to have sex because we arent gunna date and i go yeah and he goes i just dont want a relationship it doesnt mean it wont happen later on or whatever same he said last time. He also said that he had been waiting to hang all week and cancelled his plans to see me and that im growing on him a lot and he begged a lot for the sex even saying this can be the last time if you want and we can then just get to know each other. I didnt sleep w him then we just cuddled and went to sleep and he cuddled me all night again (which he use to rarely do) and then we woke up and things did happen and he made me breakfast and kissed me goodbye again and that was that. Point is he keeps saying he doesnt want a relationship but acts like he is in one with me. I know he truely does like me and obviously finds me attractive so is there a chance for us to date when he is ready? I just want to know the guy perspective on it. If we get along great and have great physical connection and his friends and family like me and he says im growing on him and he was waiting all week to hang with me, but he doesnt want a relationship.. will the right girl make him want one? so im not the right one if he wont date me right now? or is it truely he wants to wait but it would be me since he likes me so much? helpp idk what to do at this point to make this situation less confusing… Im afraid to just be friends with him again and tell him i cant do FWB anymore and maybe we can work something out when he does want a relationship because then i would be doing it to get unattached to him, but it would also make him unattached to me which i want him to keep growing closer like he is and eventually date me..

  22. @Emmy…….Are you saying your FWB is married currently? If that’s the case he’s looking for sex from you plain and simple. Some guys will do or say anything for that to happen. Our suggestion: Run as fast and as far away as you can from this situation. (We’re exaggerating but you understand our point.) He’s a player. And a cheater.

  23. @Nicole……Even if he did want a relationship with you—we’re not saying he does—there’s no need for him to pursue that because he’s already getting what he wants. Sex. Don’t be confused by his cuddling. All that is is foreplay. Even when he does it with you afterwards. It’s foreplay for the next time, to ensure he’ll be able to have sex with you again. You growing on him doesn’t mean he wants a relationship. Once again, it’s all words. Let’s see some action. We don’t see this going anywhere honestly.

  24. Janelle // May 29, 2013 at 4:14 am //

    Hey guys UPDATE:
    So I think he may be a little clairvoyant haha.
    He stayed the night and was all affectionate as I described before. I had a pulled muscle & he was so sweet… gave me an hour long massage… then an all night tender fest. The next morning after I made breakfast, while he was napping I sent the previous response.
    After, I laid down at the other end of the couch, I ended up asleep too. I was slightly awoken when I felt him snuggle next to me and became fully alert when I felt him caressing my hair. Even with my eyes closed I could tell he was staring at me.
    Ok at that point I knew without a shadow of a doubt. Crap!

    I smiled and excused myself to the bathroom. Trying to decide what to say now. But when I came out he had done a 180… he was acting weird. He was nervous, avoiding eye contact and was keeping his distance. He said he needed to get home (he had planned on staying for dinner) to do a few things. And like that he was gone, strange…but it worked.

    No calls or texts for two days until we went to the gym, no big deal.Then came the moment. I carefully said I still wasn’t interested in anything serious, he shrugged and said he wasn’t either. But he wouldn’t look at me. He was acting nonchalant, like he could careless and even stated so. But I knew better… every muscle was tight, he still wouldn’t look at me…and he was rushing through his meal.

    When I got home I called him and gently ended the benefits aspect. He said ok no problem. We still hang out and go to work out ect. But no more over nights and no more play. He still flirts a lot and makes references to “not being allowed to touch” or”losing special privileges”. But he is respecting my decision.
    Tonight at the last min he cautiously asked if I was involved with anyone else. I told him no of course not, it was true. He left an imprint for sure :-) And he smiled as he turned to walked away …apparently as is good.

  25. @Janelle…..Thanks for the update. Sounds like the best plan for this situation. Good luck.

  26. Chantelle McGuiness // August 2, 2013 at 8:14 am //

    Hi, so I’m 17 (Living in Scotland) and I’ve been really close with this guy(also 17) for just over a year… I’ve kissed him twice but only through “truth or dare”, I’m just too scared to otherwise, I get nervous and backout. Everyone assumes we’re going out because we are so close (like hugging and beating each other up in a flirty way). Anyway thing is, I’m on summer holidays at the moment and he’s been round my house nearly everyday. We watch movies and he keeps making a move on me, which I kinda only half pull away from. Then whenever he’s not with me he’s texting me. He tells me he’s “in it for the pussy” but I don’t know if he’s joking or if he genuinely doesn’t want anything else :/ I’m still a virgin so the idea of sex is still scary and he’s the first guy I’ve ever had true feelings for so I’m scared of that too. I know his best friend and a girl we know are in a FWB relationship.. And I think I’d be prepared to have one with him, however I also think I want more because I really like him … If we got into a FWB relationship could we end up going out? Or am I better off walking out now? … I’m really confused and any advice would be great :)

  27. Chantelle McGuiness // August 2, 2013 at 8:16 am //

    I should also add that I have slept with him several times (but nothing has happened) thanks in advance for any help :))

  28. Im 18 years old and im a student in london studying very hard to be an aeronaughtical engineer, when i was 11, i lost my father and was forced to grow up very quickly to hel my mom raise my little brother. It also made me realise howw short life is and how presious every second is and so after my grieving i became a very well rounded outgoing person, im not afraid to live in the moment and run out of my comfort zone and i love life 100%
    As a result of these experiances, ive found tht im overly percosious for my age and i often am mistaken for a 24 year old by my college peers or professors ect and i take on a mature outlook on life.
    Im quitethe tomboy although i dont look it i enjoy my kickboxing, xbox, cars, planes ect which results in me attracting quite a few guys as both friends and romatically.
    Ive been friends with this 21 year old guy jamie who i metthrough a mutual friend in colchester for almost 4 years now. We have both recently come you of serious relationships about 5 months ago and have been chatting alot more over facebook, text and calls and so we decided for him to come down to london and meet up with me for an adventure about two weeksago. We had an absolutly wicked day and visited all sorts of places, camden, china town and embankment by where your book signing was and then later met with his aunt who lives in london for a drink. She said tht it seemed we had a great day as we were both sort of buzzing off of eachother – laughing, chatting even having a playful tickle fight and a tease while we were wlaking about. Anyway so when the day was done. Took him to the train station and saw him off before taking my two hour journey back home to zone 6.
    We continued to talk alot and we had a great connection.
    A few days ago, i went up to colchester to visit him and our mutual friends up there for a few days and stayed at his house for two days. It was such a great time – we just clicked and hD a great time! He introduced me to all his new friends as well as m old friends i already knew and we all really hit it off just having abit of a party ect for a couple days. Anyway, on the first night when we said our goodbyees and went back to his, i could feel tuis temsion between us like we both wanted more than friendship, we were lying on his bed and watching a movie and i somehow found my self with my head on his chest and we were just tracing our fingers over eachother while we watched and ended up kissing. And it was really passionate and comfortable. Anyway to cut his very long sory short, we ended up sleeping together. And i didnt regret it, the next morning we both sobered up and i told him i dont usually sleep with just anyone just like that and he just said ” its okay we both had fun andas long as you dont regret it you shouldnt stress”
    Anyway we spent the res of the next two days just being couply to be honest, he was always hugging me and holding m hand wen we were wit his mates, it was literally like we were together and we did sleep together several times and continued to act like couple till i left and were still continueing to talk, he keeps sayin how hes going to come down to lndon soon and he wants to see me again. And as much as i DO like him.but ive realised Iv got a big year ahead of me with my college and i dont feel ready for anothe long distance relationship ( was in one for a year with a guy fom manchester). If he lived closer i would try being more serious but my gut is just telling me tht it wont work because ill have so much on my plate im just not in the right mind set at the moment, but my gut also says tht i like him alot. I just cant afford the train fairs and the tomes with the career ive got planned, i just dont know what to do, should i seehow the year feels and decide weather or not to pursue a relationship? Or should ijust tell him to take it slow andbe friends until weboth feel ready? We havnt really spoken about what we are to eachother, i guess we were just friends with benifits for tht time frame but there was more than tht. What should i do my head is spinning im so stuck!

  29. I have a FWB (I know it is not recommended)I have known him since December. We stand off getting to know each other going on dates and so forth. After a couple dates we started having sex and continued to go on dates. Then I had an incident with an ex that turned a little ugly and the new friend got involved due to the ex calling him. I explained to the new friend what was going on with the ex and things began to dwindle between us. Eventually we began to talk again, the conversations were not as frequent or as long as the were before. Now we just have sex, we text each other everyday and rarely talk on the phone and have not been out together in about 3 weeks. We made no agreements when we began this just went with what was happening. During sex he says ” this is my p***y”, we kiss when we greet each other and when he or I leave, he calls me babe, we cuddle and talk when we are done then we go our separate ways.I do not know what to make of this and I do not want to ask him right now. Help?

  30. @Kayln……Thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it. So what exactly do you want from this situation? It sounds like you’d like to be involved more seriously with this guy. Is that true? You’re right when you say we don’t recommend FWB. Because men and women often get involved in them for different reasons. Men, because it’s an easy way to get sex without that much risk. Women, because they’re often hoping something else might develop. In your case, we doubt that this is going to develop into anything more. It’s already gone as far as it’s going to go, otherwise he would have been trying to get you to become exclusive. Him saying, “this is my p…..y” is him being territorial. That’s all. Guys never want the woman they’re having sex with to have sex with someone else too. But that doesn’t mean he wants something serious. If you really want to know what’s going on you’ll need to talk with him. No guarantees of course, except that you’ll know more than you do now. Of course, that’s assuming he tells you the truth. (You know him better than we do.) Our advice: It’s probably time to find another guy. And this time wait to have sex until AFTER you have some sense of what they’re looking for. Good luck.

  31. @KatyS…..There are two people involved her. You only talk about what you should do. But what about him? What is he saying? Before you stress about everything you need to find out what he’s thinking? Maybe he feels the same way: That a long distance relationship isn’t something he wants. Basically, it’s too early to tell. Take it a day at a time, be honest, and enjoy the ride. It sounds good so far. (Be careful not to fall into a FWB or booty call situation. That won’t go anywhere.)

  32. Okay, so I’m starting a FWB relationship with a friend of mine. We’ve already told each other that we do like each other, but we aren’t ready for a serious relationship right now. Myself more than him, since I recently got my heart broke from a very serious relationship. He said we can do things a couple would do without the commitment of a relationship. Anyways. Since we both like each other, what do you think the possibility is that our FWB relationship will turn into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? I mean, I’m not saying I’m absolutely against making things more than a FWB one day. I’m just afraid of letting myself develop strong feelings for him and getting heartbroken again. So, with that being said, how do I keep my personal feelings toward him out of the FWB aspect so that they don’t complicate things? I don’t want to develop stronger feelings until I know we’re both ready for it, and I want to keep the FWB relationship. So basically, how do I separate my feelings from the sex?

  33. Hey guys, so at the beginning of the summer I started a FWB situation with a guy I met. We kept it up all summer (neither of us slept with other people), would spend a lot of time together (even if we weren’t having sex), got to know each other very well, have a lot of similar interests and values, and even went on a road trip together. I’m currently abroad in Europe but we’ve been keeping in touch and he’s talking about flying out and spending the winter holidays with me here. Do you think he’s developing feelings?

  34. He’ll also message me with things like, “I miss you” and “Thinking of you”

  35. I use to have a friend with benefit about 5yrs ago who made it really clear to me he didn’t want anything else. Long story short he knocked me up and I never told him till I had the baby. When I told him about the baby he was already in a relationship so that was left alone. I went off and got married and now divorced for 2 yrs which I have been single 2 yrs. he recently broke up with his significant who he also had a child with. So we now been messing around only at night maybe 3 times a month. I want more from him since we already have a daughter why not, so I brought it up last night and asked him if he would mind if I talk to some one else. He totally dodge the question and just told me to let him know when I do start talking to someone else. I told him okay and he responded back and to just ask him another day that question and left. What does this mean????

  36. Hey guys. I recently started hooking up with this guy. we are both in university, he is a year older than i am(19). before we had our first conversation, he used to look at me all the time i.e would watch me when i walked out the room etc, in a cute im really into you kinda way.i didnt notice this initially until my friends pointed it out. Eventually he came and spoke to me. he told me he liked me and tried to kiss me a few times but i felt it was a little too soon for that until i gave in a few days later as im also really attracted to we were getting to know each other, i found out that he had broken up with his ex of 3 years about a year ago and that he did not want anything serious or a relationship right now. i had also broken up with my ex of 2 years, 5 months ago and was not looking for anything serious either, we made that clear to each other. We have not had sex and all we would do was kiss and cuddle and he was very affectionate when we kissed. he would kiss me on my forehead, cheek, hand etc, and this behaviour started to confuse me a little. the one time we were kissing really passionately and he asked me if i remember our rule(that he was not to fall in love with me) and i told him that i remembered and he said that he had to remind himself because he was falling for me, but then there were times before that when he would say that we were just friends with benefits and would go on to say that it was actually just benefits because we hardly knew each other. we had a great time every time we were together, laughing, great conversations etc. about a week ago, we took it a step further and had oral sex, he gave me oral sex and i gave him too..we both really enjoyed it.i then brought up the fact that there were certain things that were confusing me about his behaviour and his intentions Now he has gone quiet, takes longer to reply texts, this has been going on for a few days now. he was the one initiating contact before and then i decided to do the same by asking him to hang out and he would say he was busy or that he was out with the boys. this is bothering me because i think i might really like him. what do i do now? do you think that he likes me and is trying to back away so he doesnt catch feelings or is he genuinley not into me?

  37. I was friends with a guy for 2 years and we flirted all the time but it was more of a joke since I was in a relationship. We hooked up and became “FWB” as soon as my relationship ended. We agreed to some ground rules and even a timeline since I was going to move away. Since I’ve moved away, I’ve seen him a few times. He has visited me once and we’ve discussed him visiting again. I’m not sure if this is even a problem or if it’s me over analyzing, but we plan in vague terms. It’s never “i’m going to come and visit you and stay with you”, it’s more like “i’m going to be in town”. We both avoid talking about “feelings” and “labels”. We only text and it occurs every few days or so. He got a little jealous once and I recently got jealous. He told me he thinks it’s cute I got possessive and jealous. I am embarrassed I reacted that way but it seemed like he was flattered I had those feelings.

    Seems like it’s a good thing. But I do have feelings for him but I also know I don’t want a relationship because we are sexually attracted to each other but we are both not the relationship type. We are both commitment phobes and neither of us want to be in a relationship.

    I guess my question is: what the hell is going on in his mind and is it worth telling him how I feel even if I definitely don’t want a relationship at all.

    How do I not mess up a good thing but also be honest?

  38. Please no judgement here. I am married and have I guess you can say a “bang buddy”. He also has a live in girlfriend. I am 34 he is 41. We met through our kids football organization. What started as texting about football stuff turned into flirting then sex. We’ve been meeting up for 3 months now. We both said from the beginning it’s strictly sex. Usually we meet at a hotel and go at it. There’s never been much kissing. Lately though he’s been kissing me a lot more and touching me all over instead of just the normal boobs, but , crotch. I don’t know if it’s because he just feels more comfortable with me now or if it’s something more. I may just be reading into it too much. I’d love a guys perspective on this.

  39. hey i need a clarification…. i have been friends with a guy since my 10th grade… at that time i had a crush on him.. but i didnot know about his feelings.Now we are in college and are still in contact. Recently i confessed about my feelings to him.But he denied having any feelings for me and said that being from a conservative family he can not have a romantic relationship, so i stopped talking to him. But after that he tried to contact me saying that he wants our friendship to retain. I could not say no to him.So for last 4 months we are in touch though texts almost on regular basis but recently our nature of relationship kind of shifted to the nature of friends with benefits( in short sex chat over texts)… he seems to really care but i am confused.Does he really like me or he is just for sexual pleasure? What should i do? do i continue? I know its complicated but i will be grateful if you give a reply to this post.
    P.S. he never had a girlfriend.

  40. Known him for 1.5yrs; been his dance student for 9months, sleeping with him for 3 months.He recently addressed my lack of showing enthusiasm when he calls etc, I struggle to find the balance showing too little or too much interest(I thought as FWB I should not show too much interest). A week ago I got to his place late in part because, trying not to seem too eager plus I missed his call by 2hrs. I dont fall to his feet, something he “isn’t” accustomed to. I sat; talked, no sex he got upset I was going to but didnt realize how late it was, he said it 12am and he has to go to bed, I left. Next day he said, he’d walk away because of how I act.Well I went to his place that evening which was cut short because his phone rung constantly. He answers had a huge argument with ex(who was fighting with their daughter),now daughter was on her way to stay the night. He came back to bed he ranted for several minutes about the call. I don’t think his head was in it anymore. Condom wouldn’t stay on, we didnt finish, no time to go to the store for condoms. Since then he’s been distant, not responding to calls or text. I started showing interest (checking on him etc), initiating contact, something he always did. Saw him at an event Saturday things seemed normal. Called him next evening, no response. I decided yesterday I probably need to move on. In doing so and addressed him as a friend I asked for a recommendation of a private dance instructor or he if would be interested he’s one of my favorite dancers and has a big ego so I didn’t want to count him out. We spoke of this several weeks ago since about the male students not being challenging enough for me so he knows I going in this direction. Im waiting for that response.
    Im fine if we are done it would be nice fro him to say so, since I did ask(via text), I would rather address him face to face but its hard if I cant get face time from him. I wont pop up at his door nor wait til after an event I will see him at this week(I might look like a stalker). He speaks his mind even when it hurts someones feelings. Why can’t he do that now and just say we are done. I don’t know how to not be bothered when I see him tomorrow and other days which will be often because of our mutual dancing networks. Is he making me chase him; do I need to lay back and give it time? I liked him as a friend is that lost, How? Ive been good at separating my emotions from sex, my friends call me a robot or a grasshopper. Ive fallen weak somehow

  41. Hi..can u help me please? I been on dates w him many times w his friends he only let me meet the ones he was closest to that he said are his best friends but we kissed before(we were talkibg like a year ago and i thought he only wanted sex so i cut him off) but time passed and we talked againg he did sweet things he unexpectly did the romantic kiss in the rain.. But i just gotten off a relationship so didnt one to jump to anotherone so we were both clear we didnt want a relationship ended up on booty call the first few month he was still very sweet bt then he started acting cold bt still always hugs me and kisses me holds my hand bt when its the booty call in the end hes a little cold and the relationship talk didnt cme again i like him bt im also afraid to get hurt again bcuz i dont understand what he feels…nothing?

  42. Hey, Please help me understand him. so there’s me.. and this guy, we are both friends and both in serious relationships. we have both liked each other when we were kids but never did anything about it. Now he is my Boyfriend’s best friend so they talk a lot and hang out, and sometimes 3 of us hang out together. He started talking to me last year and it got sexual and we started meeting up in secret and fooling around, so he got to be my friends with benefits. so we were both in happy relationships and fooling around together at the same time for one year.. Of course i started liking him but it is impossible for us to get somewhere so i never did anything about it. Last time we were together he actually hold me and kissed me more than the usual i felt good but then.. nothing. Now we aren’t even talking to each other. I tried to talk to him last week he said we should stop he didn’t explain very well he just said i’m changing with my girlfriend and i love her only her, we had a fight and that’s it… i want to know why that happened. And what should i do nooow? I really Care about him

  43. Oh And Guys I’ll be waiting for you to help me, thank you thank youuu

  44. Hey guys, I have a similar problem. I was a fan of guy X’s music about a year before I met him. We chatted online, in a friendly way, and that was that for about a year. We finally met when he came out to perform a show in my town, and I was shocked at the sparks that flew. I offered him a ride back to where he was staying, and we couldn’t stop talking the whole time. After he had left town, he wrote me an email, stating he had a little crush on me. I confirmed similar feelings, and we kept up casual conversation. Five months later, I decided to travel to one of his shows and he initiated, over email, our first sleepover. I left the situation, a little twitterpated but with my head firmly on my shoulders. We lived in different states, and I just let it lie. A month after our hookup, he contacts me asking if I remembered our time together, and I confirmed that I thought of it often. This started a sexting situation for us, which was a hell of a lot of fun. Five more months pass, and I decide that I’m going to travel to see another show. This is when he announces that he has been casually seeing another girl in his home town, and while it is open and not serious, they’ve agreed to be together any time they were in the same space. Which was the situation of this concert. I told him that I was saddened by it by I didn’t mind, and I looked forward to hanging out when he was available (entirely true). The trip passed with little incident, I believe I handled myself with dignity, but I was definitely a little bummed out. Within a couple months, he and this other girl had broken it off. We were still continuing our flirty texting. I asked if I could come to see him again a month after that, at a different show. We made plans, and I flew out. Everything had always been so sex based with us, and I was fine with it continuing on that course. I was looking forward to a great sexy date, and going home. But something happened to me. We shared more of ourselves, personally, then we had before. He wouldn’t let me open a door while I was there, he complimented me frequently, looked in my eyes when I spoke to him. There was an aspect of lovemaking in some of the sex we had. At least, for me. I’m really not sure what he felt. When he left to continue his tour, I was HONESTLY all smiles. Assuring him he wasn’t abandoning me, and that I could hang out in an airport and he could go. It would be fine. And it was fine. But as he drove away, I felt on the verge of tears. Almost out of nowhere. I had been affected. It’s been three days since that incident, and I still feel like I’ve been punched in the guts and he’s run away with some of the vital bits of my heart. I texted him the night I got back home, telling him I was still thinking of him.. to receive no response. I know he’s busy, and I really don’t feel ignored. I didn’t mention it previously, but I myself am a musician and I understand what that life is like. I.. I just worry that I’ve made a mistake. An unintentional one, but a mistake nonetheless. I wasn’t planning on letting myself get attached. And now I am. I don’t know what to do. Should I stop texting him for a while? Give my emotions time to quiet down, so they don’t leak into our otherwise very nice FWB? Does it sound like he might be interested? Should I risk telling him? Should I pretend like everything is normal and nothing has changed? We DO seem to be getting gradually closer, and I DEFINITELY do not want to scare him away. I’ve never done a FWB thing or a long distance thing before. I just don’t know how to read the signs. What do you think? I appreciate any helpful advice.

  45. Annoonnyymmoouss // November 23, 2015 at 5:30 pm //

    So, I started dating this guy in the beginning of June and we talked every day and went out a few times and we clicked. I really started to like him. But I was told from a reliable source not to show him how much i cared because it might scare him away, so i kept my “cool” and showed him but didn’t tell him that I liked him. I was going away to college at the end of august and he knew from the day we met that I was leaving for college. But he kept asking me out on dates. He said he was going to visit me in college and asked how often i was going to visit home. Then he just randomly stopped talking to me. No explanation or anything. I had a boyfriend on and off for years and this new guy treated me better than my ex did. So that made me like him even more. So it hurt when he just randomly stopped talking to me. My college is not what i expected and i don’t like it at all, so i have visited at home more than i have been away. We ran into each other and I poured my heart out to him and he explained to me that he didn’t want to do long distance and now we are Friends With Benefits because he says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and its bad timing. I still like him a lot and want to start dating him again eventually, but i don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what he wants. What do you think?

  46. @Anonymous……Maybe he was trying to protect himself since he knew you were headed off to school? It’s hard to say. We don’t like the fact that he suddenly disappeared without any sort of explanation. That’s not how you treat someone, especially someone you supposedly care about. We honestly don’t see this going anywhere. He doesn’t seem mature enough to have any sort of committed relationship, and FWB doesn’t usually transition to anything more serious. Last thing: It’s possible he met someone else during the time he was MIA and didn’t have the guts to tell you. You need to give this some serious thought. Why not find another college you might like more and then date a guy there?

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