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Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public
Dear Guys,
I’ve been doing this “friends with benefits” thing with a friend of mine for about a little over a month now. He was recently in a serious relationship, as was I. I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship and he did as well. We made rules and came to agreements about the situation. One of the major agreements being that we wouldn’t fall for each other and that if one of us did develop feelings we would back out. However, I am starting to develop feelings for him. I get the feeling that he is harboring romantic feelings towards me as well. He’s doing little things like reaching for my hand, running his fingers through my hair, or just pecking me on the lips every once in a while. But he pulls back whenever this side of him starts to show. I am not saying that I necessarily want a relationship with him, but I can’t help but feel this tension between us-not just sexual. I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know if I should just ignore my feelings and continue to have fun, or drop the bomb and get it over with. It would also be helpful if you guys could maybe help me understand what this guys mindset might be?
I’d be grateful for any insight you guys might be able to offer… HELP!
Morgarita
Dear Morgarita,
Thanks for your question.
We don’t know who coined the phrase “friends with benefits” but it certainly has become part of the relationship landscape. In some ways it’s a great situation. It’s safe: meaning you’re limiting your number of partners and cutting down the risk of STDs. And the sex is often great because there’s an immediate comfort level, but still with the initial excitement of an early stage relationship. However, it’s also ripe for confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings.
We tend to think guys benefit more from this type of relationship because they seem better able to separate their emotions from their physical desires. We’re not surprised that after a month or so you’re already developing feelings for your friend. It’s natural. Women tend to look for a partner who is funny, smart, interesting, and stable. Sure, good looks and a hot body are important, but they don’t necessarily determine whether or not a woman will fall for a guy. This guy you’re with probably has all of these qualities otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been his friend before you started sleeping with him.
For men, good looks and good sex, are usually must haves. That’s not to say we’re so shallow that we don’t care about humor, smarts, and other important qualities, it just means if we’re not attracted physically the game is over. But one important point to note: men can have sex with a woman and not be interested in anything more. Yes, we like to connect with the women we love through sex, but that doesn’t mean we love all the women we have sex with.
It’s hard to say what is going on his mind. The tender moments you describe could be him falling for you, or they could be part of blurred boundaries that will continue to happen in this relationship you so carefully and cautiously set up. Putting rules in place seems like a very practical thing to do, but rules and relationships have never been ideal partners, because the heart is going to do what it wants without consulting the head. And in your case, that’s what’s happening.
So we say go for it. Get it over with. Drop the bombshell. It’s been about two weeks since you asked this question, so that puts your relationship at around the two month mark. That’s certainly a reasonable time in which to have a more serious discussion, especially since you’ve already been partaking in activities that usually accompany a more serious commitment.
If he tells you he’s not interested you can always salvage your “friends with benefits” relationship. He will still be interested in that scenario pretty much no matter what you say to him. It might be awkward for a little bit, but trust us, he’ll want to continue at some point unless he finds someone else. Of course, we don’t know what you’d get from going back to the way it was if you truly want more from the relationship than just sex. It seems to us, if you do drop the bombshell, you should be prepared for the best and worst. Hopefully he feels the same as you and wants to take this to the next level. And if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have your answer. We’ll say it again, and probably another 100 times: nothing venture, nothing gained.
Good luck Morgarita. We hope it works out for you.
THE GUYS
ps. Please let your friends know about us. And subscribe to our blog feed and/or podcast feed. Thanks.
@Nicole......Even if he did want a relationship with you—we're not saying he does—there's no need for him to pursue that because he's already getting what he wants. Sex. Don't be confused by his cuddling. All that is is foreplay. Even when he does it with you afterwards. It's foreplay for the next time, to ensure he'll be able to have sex with you again. You growing on him doesn't mean he wants a relationship. Once again, it's all words. Let's see some action. We don't see this going anywhere honestly.
@Emmy.......Are you saying your FWB is married currently? If that's the case he's looking for sex from you plain and simple. Some guys will do or say anything for that to happen. Our suggestion: Run as fast and as far away as you can from this situation. (We're exaggerating but you understand our point.) He's a player. And a cheater.
Well i hung out again with him last night we were cuddling and he tried making a move and i told him i didnt want to have sex and he goes you just dont want to have sex because we arent gunna date and i go yeah and he goes i just dont want a relationship it doesnt mean it wont happen later on or whatever same he said last time. He also said that he had been waiting to hang all week and cancelled his plans to see me and that im growing on him a lot and he begged a lot for the sex even saying this can be the last time if you want and we can then just get to know each other. I didnt sleep w him then we just cuddled and went to sleep and he cuddled me all night again (which he use to rarely do) and then we woke up and things did happen and he made me breakfast and kissed me goodbye again and that was that. Point is he keeps saying he doesnt want a relationship but acts like he is in one with me. I know he truely does like me and obviously finds me attractive so is there a chance for us to date when he is ready? I just want to know the guy perspective on it. If we get along great and have great physical connection and his friends and family like me and he says im growing on him and he was waiting all week to hang with me, but he doesnt want a relationship.. will the right girl make him want one? so im not the right one if he wont date me right now? or is it truely he wants to wait but it would be me since he likes me so much? helpp idk what to do at this point to make this situation less confusing... Im afraid to just be friends with him again and tell him i cant do FWB anymore and maybe we can work something out when he does want a relationship because then i would be doing it to get unattached to him, but it would also make him unattached to me which i want him to keep growing closer like he is and eventually date me..
My and fwb have started sleeping with each other again. He's recently been showing the green eyed monster. I went out with a friend and he asked me if I'd pulled? When I said no and that I was with a male friend he said what about him? I told him his married and left it at that. But when I went over to his on the night he was questioning about my male and how his wife feels. I explained to him that I have more make friends than females. He asked how I'd feel if he went out with his friends girlfriend and I told him I'd be fine with it. A few days later I went out with some girls and he knew that. The next day he rang me asking for a lift. When I went over he couldn't keep his hands off me. I told him I wasn't in the mood and he said don't you want me anymore? I told him I was tired. He then went over to my lady bits and asked if anyone had been there? I just looked at him in shock and told him to get off me. I gave him cuddle and kiss and left it as that. I texted him to see how he was as he was on his annual leave. He said massaging me things like beautiful in spainsh and I would respond back. Then he texted me something I wasn't expecting. He wrote I love you. I just joking wrote back saying everyone says that. I got no response. The day he wanted me to come over to hang out with I did. When I asked him if he knew what he'd texted he didn't answer instead changed the subject by asking me what I thought and said did I laugh. I told him I thought it was funny as I didn't feel you wrote it and being as thou you like having a laugh I just laughed it off. His face dropped. Why did write that? What's happening with him? I'm so confused by it all ! Is it another silly game?
I just get confused because he doesnt want a relationship in general i don think its just me. or is it? i have heard him say no matterhow many girls i fuck i still like her (me) and he said that night that it doesnt mean it will never happen just because im not his type... at this point what should i say to him? i was thinking of being like next time he makes a move say "youve made it clear that im not your type and not girlfriend material so i dont want to get the emotions confused past friendship anymore. i dont mind kissing and i still want to hang out but as far as sex i want to save that for someone who is ready to commit to being with only me." dp you think this is something i should say? and shouldnt his respnse give me the answer im looking for on how he feels about me? or what else would get the truth out wihtout being too pushy and push him away again cuz he seems to run when we get too close and he feels it too... if he likes me and im the onlyu girl he has found since his ex he actually likes then why do you think theres not a chance?
@Janelle....We thank you for filling us in and being honest. We have no issues with you disagreeing with us. We're just trying to be honest with you based on our experience. That's all. Anyway, take care of yourself. We wish you well. Keep in touch. Ask another question anytime. FYI: Relationships don't necessarily have to get stale and boring. Your 9 girlfriends play a part in that staleness they're describing. By no means are we letting their men off the hook. We hear the complaints all of the time and most are warranted. But it takes two to Tango, for good or for bad.
@Nicole......The ball is in his court. It doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you. He's pretty much said it, right? Unfortunately you might need to move on. This is just going to get more and more confusing.
Guys, that was not the answer I was hoping for...(big sigh). I was hoping I was just reading to much into things. I adore him truly, we have a lot of fun together. He is a great man and a amazing lover, if I was ever to decide to be in a relationship again.... But his job will take him away in a year and so there is no future or stock in it. I'm thankful for your honesty. To answer a few of your questions... First, It's the fight or flight instinct of self preservation really. It doesn't make any sense to continue to do the same thing, expecting different results. I'm just no good at the relationship thing and I'm a magnet for men who are even worse at them. My brother always says... the common factor in several failed relationships, is the person recovering from it...again. So I don't date anymore. Second, it's also the wife vs mistress mentality. Don't get me wrong I NEVER get involved with a taken person. I stick to one partner at a time and my 5 mo. FWB and I are both single. But having been on both sides of that coin... I choose to be his mistress, I have no desire to be in the little "wifey" role. I get all the fun with none of the heartache. And he doesn't long for freedom and extacy, he has it. In the middle of the day I get sexy messages and calls, day or night I get secret rendezvous with all the passion, excitement and desire we can handle, anytime anywhere. Now why would I give that up intentionally just for a label of girlfriend? 9 out of 10 girlfriends/wives would say eventually all that faded... that their men stopped doing those things, when things became... well stale & boring. Hmmm lets think - sadly waiting at home for the guy OR being the one he is out with? Wishing he would pay more attention again... OR being the one he can't stop thinking about? It's not a hard choice for me. No thanks, I'll pass on the whole girlfriend thing. I'm sorry if you don't agree. I really appreciate your insights to my questions, it has helped a lot. Thanks
@Janelle......He's either falling for you, has fallen for you, or feels you pulling away so he's holding on tighter. FWB usually end up in a swirl of confusion, hurt and anger that's why we don't recommend them. SO why don't you want a real relationship? Is he just not the guy? Why are you protecting yourself? Have you been hurt before? What's the deal?
I need help asap!!! I met this guy through a mutaul friend in February i had just got out of a serious relationship and wasnt looking for anyone. we went on a double date and started hanging out and making out.. Then one day at his house he said we should just be friends because i dont want a relationship, i dont want to be held back, etc. (due to that he was in a horribly controlling long term relationship where she cheated on him). Then after that he continued to text me everyday and hang out every weekend and acted the same and did sexual stuff. One time while spending the day together we had sex. Then he didnt text me for two days so i eventually texted him and asked why and he said i was overreacting everything was ok and that maybe we should be just friends without the kissing or anything. I said it had gone too far for that and that made him mad and we didnt talk but rarely when i would text him first for three weeks. Then he started contacting me everyday again for a week and we hung out and things happened. he said we can befriends and kiss. Eventually we kinda stuck to being just friends for like 5 weeks nothing sexual happened and we didnt hang as much. Then i was housesitting and had friends over and he came and stayed w me that night and we hooked up but didnt have sex. he stayed the whole day with me the next day and i finally gave in and we slept together again. He didnt leave till late that night, and ever since then we have been hanging out everyday on the weekends (we work opposite hours during the week) but he rarely texts during the week, if at all but as soon as the weekend comes he cant wait to hang. We spend the whole day together and hang with his friends and everything. Then he does thing nice like make me dinner and buy me my favorite ice cream for dessert.. This weekend he truth came out. We were at a party and drinking and the subject came up between us and my best friend and he basically said he does not want a relationship and im not his type (dark hair, tattoos, piercings).. He said i am cool to hang out with and beautiful and all of his friends like me etc. Heres the thing we get to his house that night and he says that i pissed him off at that party and said he doesnt treat me fair anf he knows he doesnt.. and something about it doesnt mean it wont ever happen when i said oh but im not your type. Talked with his best friend and his friend said he is picky and he knows for sure i have 100% the personality he wants.. Then i stayed and we slept together and he cuddled me in the mornign and kissed me goodbye which he normally doesnt kiss or cuddle just sex and kind of cuddle.. Mentioned cooking foof that day and what i wanted and then i went home and thought we were hanging later. told him to call me if he wanted to hangout and he never called even after making it sound like we would. So my guess is he is going to pull away again.. Heres the thing i care completely about hte guy. i know he cares about me, but his actions are completely comfusing me. and can he seriously like me so much but not date me becauase im beautiful but not the sexy bad girl he looks for? Is there ever a chance in this situation when he does want a relationship? What should i do at this point?
I would like some insight to calm my nerves. I have known my guy friend for 10 months. Over that time we have gotten to know each other pretty well and 5 months ago we became FWB. I don't date and do not want a relationship with anyone. The four letter word and all the complications that come with it turn me into a track star.... I do enjoy our time both in the bedroom and out, we hangout a lot. The sex is mind blowing! We are also workout buddies and go to the gym together several times a week. We go out to dinners, movies, road trips, he stays the night at my house and we usually cuddle lightly while watching movies. He is a shy guy and has always been very restrained about PDA. I'm very affectionate but have always respected his ways. It has always been just FWB behind closed doors, No big deal. We have talked point blank and I told him I'm not interested in anything heart related or serious. He also stated he isn't either, he has never fallen in love with a woman. This made it an ideal FWB I thought. However his recent actions have me worried things have changed for him. He has been calling/texting more, getting irritated if I mention other men, he has been flirting a lot in public especially at the gym. The PDA thing has dissolved and he has gotten very affectionate. Holding my hand, caressing my face/hair, peck kisses, wrapping his arms around me, tickling. Last night he wanted to lay in between my legs with his head on my chest cradled in my arms while watching a movie (it was easy & comfortable - unnerving) insisting on major eye contact during...and he wanted to fall asleep after... holding me. His looks have been focused & lingering, touch softer... kisses more often/passionate and sex more intense. But his talk is still casual and detached. Please tell me I'm reading to much into this.... that it's just because he is getting more comfortable with me. I like that idea. Signed: Crossed fingers
@Charlenea......If he wanted a relationship with you he would have pursued that. Don't let the texts fool you, or his weirdness about other guys. He's protecting his territory. That still doesn't mean he wants to get serious with you. He just doesn't want anyone else to be with you. Like having his cake and eating it too. This is only going to get more confusing for you. Are you ready for that?
Hi, I have been having a friends with benefits relationship with this guy for about two months. After sex he sleeps over and wraps my legs and arms around him while we sleep. At the beginning we both stated we weren't ready for a commitment and he told me not to fall in love with him. He texts me all day everyday. He gets weird if I talk to other guys. He said that if I have sex with, kiss, touch, or do anything with another guy I have to tell him. We have over 11,000 texts in the last two months and about 90% of them are initiated by him. I have started to develop feelings for him and I don't know what to do. He says that even if we stop having sex he still wants to be friends because he cares about me and enjoys my company and conversation. Its hard not to feel like he has feelings for me. I don't what to think about his actions. And I almost forgot we didn't know each other prior to two months ago.
Hi, I have been having a friends with benefits relationship with this guy for about two months. After sex he sleeps over and wraps my legs and arms around him while we sleep. At the beginning we both stated we weren't ready for a commitment and he told me not to fall in love with him. He texts me all day everyday. He gets weird if I talk to other guys. He said that if I have sex with, kiss, touch, or do anything with another guy I have to tell him. We have over 11,000 texts in the last two months and about 90% of them are initiated by him. I have started to develop feelings for him and I don't know what to do. He says that even if we stop having sex he still wants to be friends because he cares about me and enjoys my company and conversation. Its hard not to feel like he has feelings for me. I don't what to think about his around and
@Monique......If you're having sex with him hoping something more is going to develop then we recommend stopping now. Because it's doubtful anything more is going to happen. You're now in the FWB zone.
Hey I recently had sex with my guy friend and now it's like I dont know what to expect when I see him. I have my moments when I like him and then sometimes I hate him when I'm not around him but its like in person we always flirt and under eachother.... He's a big flirt however, so Should I keep messing with him or just leave him alone.
@Kate....Let him initiate. He might be a bit unsure of how you feel based on your behavior. We imagine he'll be in contact soon enough. Not many guys will turn down a FWB arrangement. If he doesn't contact you within a week reach out to him. We don't typically recommend FWB. It usually just leads to confusion, resentment and heartbreak. But if that's what you really want, and he's not initiating, put it out there and see what happens. Though, once again, that's not our recommendation. But knowing guys, we'd be surprised if he turned it down.
I met this guy a week ago. He's three years older than me and in college. I was a virgin. But he we talked everyday straight for a week. I know it's not super long but oh well. Anyways, long story short I slept with him. I don't regret it, I'm not attached to him emotionally. After we had sex, he opened up to me about his ex girlfriend and how she cheated. We had sex where he lost his virginity. Weird, right? Before this happened, we decided that neither of us wanted a relationship. He's leaving soon and it's just a good time. He asked me before if this was it and would we be done after. I said it was his call. After I left his car to go to mine he was like "Oh no hug or anything before you go?" this was 2 nights ago. He hasn't texted me or anything. Which I've had to do the texting first but he always carries out the conversation. But based on everything, should I text him and ask to get together again? I want to be FWB. I really have no time for a relationship and he's a sweet, fun guy. I just don't want to be totally into it if he's not interested anymore.
I had a girl ask if we could be friends with benefits but i told her no because that would mess up are friendship. We messed around acouple times i fell emotinally attached with her i knew her for 8years we still hangout daily but dont have sex not all women like to have sex all the time. So if your fallin for the dude jus date him cuz if yall are fallin for each other then it mite turn out to be a great relationship.
@Hayley....Sorry, we don't agree with your friends. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd be pursuing you, not seeing you less. This is going nowhere, and it's likely this guy is a player. We think you need to move on. But it's your call.
there is this one guy that I am friends with benefits with and I didn't really like him at first but then when we started to talk more and hang out more we started to play games with our two other best friends. we would play truth or dare and stuff and he would always dare himself to kiss me and hug me and stuff. me and him I thought were starting to get close but then he told one of my other friends that he was just friends with benefits with me. so then we hung out some more but I could noticed after a week or two we didn't really hang out and it was like he didn't want to anymore. friends have been telling me he has been pushing me away because they think he is starting to feel something for me and he doesn't want that to happen so hes backing away. I mean we still talk and stuff but not as much as before and now hes starting to treat other girls like this too. first me then my other best friend and now this other best friend I mean he doesn't kiss them and sit on them and hold their hands and stuff like he did with me which is weird but im sooo confused on whether he likes me or if im still just a friend with benefits. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@High Schooler........We don't recommend FWB. It's a bad idea especially in your case. It will ABSOLUTELY affect your relationship. In fact, that's what your relationship will be. You'll be the girl he can get sex from whenever he can't get it from someone else. Eventually you'll grow resentful, hurt and angry. But it's your call.
So there is this guy that I have feelings for. About a year ago , we started talking and things just didn't progress into a relationship. And we just stopped talking. He ended up having a girlfriend for about 7 months and we just ignored each other. But now that he's single, I thought we should become friends again . That worked, but now I have feelings for him again. He knows this and in our group of friends he constantly says how he doesn't want a relationship but wouldn't mind the "v" . After that, we were texting and he told me I looked really good today. Times when we're coming back from a track meet , we sit by each other and it's usually a couple hour bus ride so we talk and flirt and dirty subjects come up a lot. We talk about how he's enjoying the single life and he tells me of how he has a few girls he's talking to and has made out with a few but still a virgin. He knows I'm not and that came up also. We got more into detail with this thing and these subject comes up a lot. I feel like maybe we're both trying to hint towards each other that we should do more. I don't know but it got me thinking . I like this guy a lot, but I know he doesn't want a relationship any time soon and if I were to mention us being "fwb", he'd go along with it. So is it possible for me and him to be friends with benefits and still end up as good friends because I don't want this to affect our friendship and have us go back to acting like each other doesn't exist? And if that's possible, how would I try to tell him I want to be? I've read some things on how feelings shouldn't get involved with friends with benefits because it'll bring heartache and blah blah blah. But I know I would rather have a chance of some innocent fun then never being more then friends with him.
@Ellie.....He's thinking he made a mistake. Sure, he enjoyed the sex, but he realized later he didn't want anything more than that. And now he realizes you do. That's why everything got awkward. Be friends if you can handle it, otherwise move on. But be careful. At some point he's going to try and have sex with you again. (That's what guys do if they don't have anything else going on.)
Hello. So this guy I have been seeing since last summer, on the third date we had sex. He made the first move and the moment we initiated the physical thing we were already in bed. We stopped talking during the winter time since we both felt awkward for some reason. I initiated to start talking again in Feb, had sex. Now he just wants to start over as friends. What is he thinking !??
@Cam......Okay. Thanks for filling us in. But FYI: Oral sex is still sex. Some guys consider that more intimate than intercourse. Just so you know. Meaning, let's say you broke up with this guy and went out with someone else and they asked you if you had sex with the previous guy. And then you told him no, you just had oral sex, he would think that's a big deal, and also consider it sex. We're not sure when all of this changed, and when people started thinking that oral sex wasn't a big deal, but let us assure you that for guys it is.
Yes, we hang out a lot. We watch movies, we eat out, we even hear mass together. Plus, we had a dinner with my mom and brother. We were really close friends before we started becoming FWB. There was also a time when he tried to whisper something, it was sort of gibberish actually. Then he said I love you, then I got surprised so I acted as if I didn't understand what he told me, but then he won't repeat it again. I don't know but I think he is in love with me. He's really overprotective. He doesn't want me to wear shorts, swimsuits and other revealing clothes. Oh, and before I forget, we're not really having "sex". We just do orals 'cause we're scared that I might get pregnant even with condoms on. Plus, we promised we won't have sex til we get married. Also, we promised that whatever "sexually-related" stuff it is that we're doing, and will soon be doing, we'll be doing it to each other, ONLY. It's like we promised ourselves that we'll be each other's last. I don't know, he said he's not ready to commit 'cause of stuff like money problems.
@Kim......The percentage is extremely low. Less than 1% and that might have had other extenuating circumstances that didn't really make it a true FWB. Remember, think about why a guy would propose a FWB. Answer: To get sex while he keeps his options open. It's a perfect situation for a guy who's still looking.
@Kar......We answered. We replied to "Cam."
@Cam.......Do the two of you actually do anything together besides hang out? From what we gather it's unlikely this is going to go further than FWB. If he wanted you as a girlfriend he would have asked you by now. All the affection he displays is part of the whole precursor to having sex. Even if it's afterwards, it's still a way of insuring that you'll be back. Think about why he doesn't want to commit to you. Why do you think? What does he mean when he says he's not ready? That means he wants to still be single, which means he still wants to have the option of being with other women. We would hate for you to wait around hoping he's going to fall for you, but we understand that you have to do what you have to do. Take care. And we're sorry we couldn't be more uplifting.
Do you guys know any FWB couple which turned into a "real" relationship? How long have they been FWB before they got into the real thing?
I've been friends with benefits with my friend for 7 months now. He's 20 and I'm 19. We're in second year college now and he's my blockmate. I've had a crush on him since first year and now that we're both college sophomores, we became friends with benefits. At first I knew that I was the first one to develop feelings for him considering that I've had a huge crush on him since first year and it eventually felt like I'm in love with him. But of course, I kinda told myself to not expect anything from him since he made it clear that we should remain friends, although he told me that that there is a possibility that he would fall in love with me. Then I told him I loved him 'cause the situation kinda called for it. He told me he really liked me, well it's obvious from the way he treats me. He wants to hold my hand everytime. He likes to kiss my forehead, hug me, hold my hand, and look at me for a long time without saying anything. So he said he really liked me but is afraid to be in a commitment since he isn't ready yet. But then he told me that if he wanted to have a girlfriend already he'd choose me, then he got all teary-eyed and stuff then I hugged him. So after a few months we were okay, but we sometimes get into fights causing him to try to leave me. He said he'll leave me but would eventually say that he still wants me everytime I tell him that I'm sorry with whatever I did and all is well again. He just can't leave me even if he says he will. Do you think he's in love with me? Will he ever consider committing to me? As of now, both of us aren't seeing someone else. We're exclusive. We're almost like a couple actually. Sometimes it hurts 'cause I know he loves me but the problem is that he doesn't want to commit yet. I'm hoping that someday he will. I'm willing to wait.
I've been friends with benefits with my friend for 7 months now. He's 20 and I'm 19. We're in second year college now and he's my blockmate. I've had a crush on him since first year and now that we're both college sophomores, we became friends with benefits. At first I knew that I was the first one to develop feelings for him considering that I've had a huge crush on him since first year and it eventually felt like I'm in love with him. But of course, I kinda told myself to not expect anything from him since he made it clear that we should remain friends, although he told me that that there is a possibility that he would fall in love with me. Then I told him I loved him 'cause the situation kinda called for it. He told me he really liked me, well it's obvious from the way he treats me. He wants to hold my hand everytime. He likes to kiss my forehead, hug me, hold my hand, and look at me for a long time without saying anything. So he said he really liked me but is afraid to be in a commitment since he isn't ready yet. But then he told me that if he wanted to have a girlfriend already would he'd choose me, then he got all teary-eyed and stuff then I hugged him. So after a few months we were okay, but we sometimes get into fights causing him to try to leave me. He said he'll leave me but would eventually say that he still wants me everytime I tell him that I'm sorry with whatever I did and all is well again. He just can't leave me even if he says he will. Do you think he's in love with me? Will he ever consider committing to me? As of now, both of us aren't seeing someone else. We're exclusive. We're almost like a couple actually. Sometimes it hurts 'cause I know he loves me but the problem is that he doesn't want to commit yet. I'm hoping that someday I know he will. I'm willing to wait.
@J.....Yes, he can and that's exactly what happened here. He knew right from the beginning what he wanted from you. The mistake many women make—and as you can see from this thread and other threads you're not alone—is that they think that once the guy gets to know them and spend time with them and have sex with them that they'll somehow come around. It doesn't work that way. If a guy suggests a FWB, he's already decided that's as far as he wants to take it with the particular woman. We're sorry. Hopefully you'll now be able to move on and find someone who will treat you with respect. You deserve it.
I just got through a FWB arrangement for about a year. In the beginning he was the one who seemed to be more involved - he kept leaving subtle comments about relationships, and he would get touchy feely, and we would go for dinner/movies or do other couply things. My feelings for him grew through time. I had to get relocated to a new city for the summer. We texted each other everyday, and he actually came to see me. But things changed toward the end of the summer. We went out to a nice restaurant for dinner, I asked him what he wanted from me. He said "I don't know". I got quite upset. But everything was fine the day after. Then September, he suddenly suggested "having coffee", and then told me he met someone. I was devastated. But that girl went back to her ex-boyfriend, and we resumed the FWB thing. We sort of ended it in December, and decided to just be friends. I knew I still had feelings for him. We hooked up once when we were drunk, but we decided to remain friends. We texted daily, and occasionally flirted on texts. Last week, he went on a trip, and after he got back, he didn't reply my messages. I was supposed to have dinner with him, so I texted if he still wanted to "hang out". He told me he didn't think it's a good idea any more, and that he met a girl he used to know on that trip. Now it's officially over. But I'm very confused about the change in his behavior. Also he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted from me. I asked him if it's just sex. He said he liked to hang out with me. Can a guy enjoy hanging out with you, and be attracted to you, but just do not want anything more?
@K......We're sorry.
Well here's an unexpected twist. I hadn't talked to him in a few days which is unusual and we're supposed to see each other on Sun. Today, we finally talked...he said he wasn't coming...guilt go to him. Not only am I hurt, but I feel completely humiliated. So, I guess that's that...
@K......Sex is always a part of it, but it doesn't seem like that's his only reason for seeing you. It does sound like he has actual feelings for you. But like we said, you're probably not going to know much more after you see him. (You'll probably both be into each other and then be in the exact same spot you're in now.) Meaning, that meeting isn't going to change the fact of your present situation. But keep us posted and good luck. Glad we could help.
@ The Guys
Nope, miraculously, no kids involved on either side. You've given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate that. Like I said, given the situation, they only person I can discuss any of this w/is Riley and who wants to have a "state of the union" address everytime you talk...not me! I guess we've kinda looked at it as a missed opportunity they we can at least explore now. Any thoughts to why neither of us can just let the other go? I mean, obviously we can probably never be "just" friends and there are a lot of guys (just as "challenging") that I recognize that some status and don't even think twice about contacting. But w/him, its just different. Ok, so yes I understand how we're going about this situation to be very selfish and I get that, but from a guy's perspective is there any chance that he has legitimate feelings for me or is he just hoping to get laid again (which by the way is not a guarantee...we've just said we're going to see each other, spend some time together and see what happens)?
@K......We don't see any marriage as stereotypical, although some behaviors tend to fall into familiar patterns. What we're trying to stress is that we think both of you need to figure out your current situation BEFORE you explore this new one. We don't think you should leave one situation in hopes of another working out. We think you should either try to make your marriage work, or move on as amicably as possible. Meaning, Riley shouldn't play a part in that decision. You either stay or leave whether Riley was in the picture or not. Because neither you nor Riley really know how you're going to feel once you begin a serious relationship; and one meeting to determine this seems shortsighted, romanticized and slightly juvenile. Sorry. As per your question. Most men, actually most people, choose security over the unknown, especially when kids are involved. You didn't mention this. Are there kids involved for you or him? In closing: We understand you have to do what you have to do. And honestly we try not to tell people what to do. In your case, we just think you'll feel much better about the decision if you figure out your marriage first and then proceed forward. We know it's hard to compartmentalize, but that's our two cents. Thoughts?
@one of the guys. No, not too harsh...considering what I'm asking you to discuss w/me. Plus, for obvious reasons, there's no one I can really talk to about this. So yes, please be honest w/me but please also try to keep an open mind about all of the facts. Yes, I have been having a lot of marriage issues, mainly trust (no, not infidelity...ironically) and temper. Divorce has been contemplated a few times. He's agreed to see a psychiatrist. I guess we'll see what, if any, affect it has on his behavior. Due to all the fighting, sex is non-existent. I am trying to figure out if i'm currently still in love w/him or am more committed to making the marriage work. Note that these issues occurred at times when I had absolutely no contact w/Riley. And no, husband has no idea. But I don't want my situation dismissed as "stereotypical marriage problems leading to affair". I know you hear a lot of stories, but I feel that mine is slightly distinguished. Riley and I have didn't just screw a couple times...we have always gotten to know each other and discuss a lot of issues. Is it possible to just to have unresolved feelings without some subconscious hidden agenda? Yes, seeing each other is wrong given the circumstances of our past relationship and current marriages...but then how do you figure out if feeling for someone are legitimate? People get divorced all the time and their next relationship is "meant to be". People can love more then one person at once, right? And no I'm not saying I feel these things, but I've gotten over ex's w/time and could easily have a physical affair It's specific to him and I believe the feeling is mutual. Riley has admitted that he should not have ignored his feelings for me when we were hooking up and regrets not doing that...on his own. We have actually already discussed what would happen if the feelings were still there. Mainly, exactly what you said, a real relationship only stands a chance if we leave our marriages first. You've already hit the point on the head and that's exactly what we hope to figure out by seeing each other....legitimate feelings or just leftover lust. So there's no way he could be in love w/me right now? When do men choose the unknown over the commitment and security of a marriage, even if troubled?
@K.......We revised and just used your initial. Anyway, we hate to say it but this is a bad idea. The obvious reason. You both are married. Which means this is way bigger than just the two of you. You're involving a lot of people's lives. You've already crossed the line—him more than you since he's already physically cheated on his wife—but it's not too late to put a halt to it. What's going to happen if you go through with it? A mess. So our first question to you is: What's up with your husband? Did you get married in response to not having this guy? Do you love him? What's the deal? Because it seems like you're doing a lot more thinking about some guy you messed around with a few times, rather than the person you committed to spending your life with. So the question is: Why are you even open to this? Is it because you don't really love your husband the way you want to? And if that's the case we think you need to focus on that first before you get involved with anyone else. Maybe you actually do love your husband but your fantasies of what could be with this guy are getting in the way? Maybe that's something you need to explore with a therapist? Or go to couples counseling? Or something. Does your husband have an clue what's going on? Yes, we're admonishing you, but it's because we think you're not thinking clearly. And we're trying to stop you from making a big mistake. You think you know this other guy Riley, but you only know him in the context of a FWB, or as a long-distance paramour. And his "L" bomb really stands for lust, rather than love. He's horny, and since we're assuming the two of you had great sex a while back, he's confusing that with love. But love is based on much more than that. And if things were so amazing between the two of you why didn't he figure that out then and want to be with you then? It's not like he was some young guy in his 20s who had no clue about dating and relationships. To us he seems like a player. And he's sucking you into his world where he pretty much does what he wants. Sorry, we are being tough but we've seen this so many times before. Sure it's exciting. Passionate. Titillating. And when you compare that to the day-to-day life of a marriage maybe it's pretty alluring. But it's not real. Please think long and hard about this affair. Because that's what we think it's going to amount to. We don't see him leaving his wife. And if he does, and the two of you get together, guess what: Do you really think he's going to change? Who's to say he won't do this to you down the road when you're not as exciting as you are now? Something to consider. So what do you think? Have we been too tough on you and him?
@THE GUYS......I met this guy Riley about 6 years ago through work. I was mid 20's, he early 30's. He had a long distance girlfiend and I was single...after a lot of flirting, we decided to have a friends w/benefits situation. It happened a handful of times, the last time I definetly started having could sense feelings starting to develop so I left in the middle of the night. After that I started dating my now husband. As usual, he got jealous wanted to start back up, but I stayed loyal to new boyfriend. Riley and I talked less and less and then he moved across the country (w/same girlfriend)...he east coast, I middle America. I ended up getting married, as did he few years later.. We had occasional "what if" and "I miss you" conversations every few months. Then a few years ago (after I was married, he engaged). He brought up that we can't seem to leave each other alone and we should've explored the feelings when we were single and admitted he had them for me too. Then he got married and said he'd never contact me again...that lasted two weeks. Usually, we get in a fight about something dumb and stop talking. But one if us always rekindles the " what if" and "I miss you". About a year ago he dropped the "L" bomb saying we must be in love to have such strong feelings w/o seeing each other and not being able to walk away and I think he is right. So we talked about meeting up to see if these feelings were true love and we need to re-think our marriages and explore it further or just old lust from having (great)sex, which we would leave alone. Complicating the story more, last year about this time, he cheated on his wife, one night stand and she ended up pregnant (pregnancy terminated, wife never found out). He told me and I was devastated. But he said now he got the scare he's never putting his marriage in jeopardy again. So we stopped talking (minus the occasional, I still love/miss you, but I can't risk it e-mail). Late last year he reached out to me to say his feelings for me are too strong to ignore and i! f I coul d forgive him for the indiscretion, we should reconsider meeting up. I did forgive him and we actually are planning a weekend away next month, plane tickets purchased, etc. Emotionally, lines have been crossed in the marriages and for that I make no excuses for myself, it is selfish and cruel for both of our spouses, among other things Up until a few days ago, we were both going back and forth if seeing each other was a good idea, if we were both on the same page about we were doing, etc. At times we (mainly me) even contemplated stopping talking all together. I worry, he just wants sex again or will never leave his wife ( side note, his dad left his family when he was a teenager and he's made comments saying "he doesn't want to be like his dad")even it is true love.He has said that if it was just sex he wouldn't even think about seeing me. He worries, as a woman, i will automatically want the sun moon and stars from him ASAP, plus getting caught. So I'm torn about whether to go through this. Granted by definition, yes this an emotional affair, but I see it as being a slightly different as we had strong feeling for each other before we both got married...we even admitted to both thinking about the other ON our wedding days. My questions are mainly what you can decipher as his intentions based on what I've told you. Do you think it is him just wanting sex? Is it realistically possible for a guy to leave the safety, comfort of his wife when he has stronger feelings for someone else? Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!
@Kara.....No you should not! Do not make a move. He's fishing around. Probably looking for an opening to resume having sex with you. What you can do is ask him why he's texting you every day? If he says, "Because we're friends." Then you know he's not telling you the truth. Because friends hang out. Friends talk. Friends support one another. Mindless texts are just a way to keep channels open until he's ready to make a move. And he probably knows how you're feeling and hoping you'll make a move. Sit tight Kara. Finally: We don't think you're being honest with yourself when you say you wouldn't mind an open relationship with him. Trust us. Within a month you'd be miserable because you want more with this guy. And from our experience, embarking on this type of relationship—open sexual relationship— isn't going to get you what you want—a committed relationship.
Hi guys! So Long story short, a friend and I used to hook up for months. We weren't very close friends before hooking up. We were co-workers but we became really close thought this whole thing. This friends with benefits was very on again off again. He would always send mixed signals. He would do things as if he were interested in more but ultimately it ended in me confronting him and he said he was never interested in me like that. I found it and until this day find it so hard to believe because of so many factors that I won't get into. I still think he didn't want a relationship period because we are both still young. We stopped talking for a month because it ended on really bad terms. I reached out to him saying that we should be friends and move on from what happened. He agreed and things went back to normal. He informed me that he wasn't seeing anyone else (idk why he mentioned it, and that his main priority is work) and I said okay and agreed. Now I thought, he would contact me once in a while but now he contacts me basically everyday. I don't mind it, but I am still trying to get over him. Having no contact made it harder for me to get on with my life. I still think its better remaining in contact with him, but the frequency of his contact sends out the signal that he wants something more than friendship. Its not like he texts me anything significant that he needs my input. He just texts me just to text me. I could have remained just friends with him if he didn't contact me so frequently. But I truly fell in love with this guy and now the feelings are coming back and FAST. It is like putting a glass of wine in front of a recovering alcoholic, it is easy to go back to old habits. Now that I have thought about a lot of things. I wouldn't mind going back to what we had. But things would have to be different this time around. I too think a comitted relationship would be a bit much for me and my schedule. But I think an open relationship (esp for him) would be something I would want. Because I truly believe he loves me too. I just think he's not used to all of this. He's never had a girlfriend before so I can see how this would scare him. What should I do now? We have been talking everyday and all day for about a month straight and he hasn't made a move. Should I make one?
@Unsure........This is why we don't recommend FWB arrangements. They often end up in confusion, especially for the woman. It's clear to us that you're into this guy and would like something more with him. (Even if you're unsure) But that's the trouble with these types of situations. They rarely transition into anything more serious. Sometimes they can transition into just a friendship, but is that truly what you want? We don't think so. Bottom line: You may click with this guy, but he's busy "clicking" with as many other women as he can, which tells us that he clearly sees you as someone he can hang with and have sex with. We understand it's difficult to move on, but we don't see this being great for your emotional well-being if it continues for too much longer. Just our two cents. Good luck and keep us posted. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends.
(2) He certainly does have a funny way of showing it. To others, he might refer to somebody he's seeing as a "date," but when he speaks about these situations to me of which I've been enlightened by others, he'll refer to the girl as a "friend." Would it be weird, should something like this happen again, if I were to subtly indicate that I already know about so-and-so friend? I think he's under the mistaken impression that I'm oblivious to his extracurricular dalliances, so to speak, and I'm not. But I'm not sure whether it matters or not that I know, anyway. (5) Yes and no? I'm not entirely sure myself. I've had feelings for him for the greater part of the year, and only recently have I allowed it to numb out. I realize I'm not helping myself by pretending this arrangement doesn't bother me in the slightest, and sometimes I genuinely feel like I've tricked myself into believing that this is utterly fine by me, which is probably not okay because I may have lost myself in the midst of my own charade. But lately, I've been trying to exercise the friendship half--not necessarily in hanging out or anything, but in small gestures I would offer any friend of mine (e.g., remembering small things, letting them know I'm available if you need help), and he's expressed sincere gratitude in the things I've done so far (which he rarely does). And this would be perfectly fine if he allowed it to stay this way, but it gets difficult when we're in each other's physical presence. You said that at some point, he'll cross the line and want to have sex again... do you think he'll ever see me in a non-sexual way? Not because I want him to see me in a romantic light, but just--how do you become a real friend to somebody with whom you're primarily intimately involved? Do you think I made a mistake in letting our "relationship" start the way it did and run as long as it has? How long do these things typically last, for that matter? I'm not convinced I have the strength to leave entirely. I might sound extremely foolish for saying this, but I haven't met anyone I've "clicked" with as well as I did with him. For as opposite as we are, we get along pretty well. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. All I know is that our FWB situation has all the ideal markings, except my feelings have gotten in my way (feelings I'm not 100% sure of either--whether it's for him or the idea of him because as much as I like him, I don't think a commitment from him is what I want either). I sound like I absolutely do not know what I want. Sigh.
@Unsure......It seems you're unsure about quite a lot. We'll address each of your concerns. 1. This is unlikely to develop into anything more serious, so yes, we agree that you might want to think about weaning yourself from this situation. 2. No, he's not serious about these other women. However, if he is, he has a funny way of showing it. (Cheating on them with you.) 3. Should you feel guilty? Not necessarily. This is on him not you. However, if you're starting to have a difficult time stomaching his behavior, all the more reason to move on. 4. Of course your sexual chemistry is great. Part of that may be the two of you, but some of that comes from the infrequency of your trysts. Sex is always more exciting when it doesn't happen that often and people have time to think about it a lot. By the time the two of you get together you're both probably anticipating it so much that it's very intense. 5. We don't get the sense that you'll just be able to be friends with him. At some point he'll try to cross the line and have sex with you again. Thoughts?
I need a little bit of general insight. I knew this guy (not well) for a few months before having sex. At first it started interestingly enough--in hindsight, it seemed like there was potential there--but it "evolved" (or "devolved," rather) into a FWB situation and has been ever since. We've never openly talked about it; it all seems to be understood. During the months/weeks that we can go without talking, it's usually because he's dating somebody, but he has a tendency to hit me up during his relationship period--not for sex, but just to fill me in on what's going on in his life or just a "hey, you" kind of thing. Which is fine by me, but I don't understand that kind of behavior. If I were the girl(s) he is/was seeing, I don't think I'd like it very much if he was still in contact with his FWB, even if it is just to say hello. I don't think he knows that I've been aware of the girls he's tried to get with seriously, that I've been guilt-ridden every time he hits me up while he's with him (happened with a few of them). Should I even let that bother me, because I'm assuming he's not entirely serious about them either? I'm not sure if it's totally relevant, but the only reason I let it bother me in the first place is because I DO have feelings for this guy (he doesn't know, or at least I've been careful and I'm sure he doesn't), but while I'm mostly okay with our FWB arrangement, I'm finding I have a lot of empathy for these girls who have more "serious" potential than I do. He and I aren't particularly close, but in the last year that we've been together, I've gotten to know him better (and maybe vice versa). Also, my ultimate goal, I think, is to wean away the sex while still being a good friend to him (for my emotional health, really). I might not like the way he handles his personal relationships, but I do like him as a person and think he carries qualities that would endear him to me as a friend. Is this feasible? The only thing that worries me about this not working is that our sexual chemistry is (IMO) unusually high; I always assumed that the chemistry between FWB fizzles out a few months into it. After not seeing each other for a while, there's instantly tension. Can FWB really be just friends if chemistry is always there? It makes me worried for his and my future relationships, to be honest.
@Heather........We're sorry this is difficult and confusing. But we're not seeing how this relationship is working for you. He's basically telling you that he's not in love with you. And then he says if you made more money and were more responsible he'd be more into you. Really? We know this is quite complicated especially with a baby involved, but why are you settling for a guy who doesn't feel the way you do? You deserve more than just a FWB, which this is right now. Per your question: There's nothing you can do to "make him" fall for you. He's either got to see it and feel it himself or not. And the fact that you have a baby together, you connect on an emotional level, and he's still not seeing it, tells us it's unlikely he ever will. We're sorry. We wish we could be more upbeat but unfortunately we can't.
Guys- I need your help. I have been in a confusing friends with benefits relationship... first we met and we were friends and liked hanging out. Then we started having sex and we became a couple. Then I got pregnant and miscarried. I told him I wanted another baby and was devastated about loosing my baby. I got pregnant again. He used to tell me if I made more money was more responsible he would be more into me. Our daughter is 3 months old. No one in his family knows about her. He has told me he loves me but not like how I love him. He's missing that feeling of constant high... this has been almost 2 years of this. How do I make him see what I am worth make him fall in love or leave and never look back? I'm obsessive over reading and wondering and thinking what can I do to change this. He has became my best friend we trust each ogther and expoore each other its a once in a lifetime friendship I don't want to throw away... so I need help with breaking the cycle and probably moving on and just remaining strictly friends. I have just found your posts today and am using my cell phone to write this. Thanks so very much. Always heather
Thank you, today I haven't texted him and he texted me asking what was up with me, I kept everything short and he was responding so fast. I told him not to keep a girl like me waiting long I've been upfront and honest and he said ok with a smiley face but I'll keep you all posted
@Anna....Usually guys know right away how into the woman the are. They typically get placed into four categories. 1. Not interested. 2. Friend material. Sometimes morphs into FWB. 3. Hot/sexy, but not exactly what they're looking for. Turns into booty call. 4. Serious relationship. He keeps saying he can't promise anything. You interpret that as he might down the road. We interpret this as leading you on just enough so he can get what he wants. That's our take. Of course this decision is up to you. We can't make that call. Good luck and keep us posted. Thanks for sharing our site. We appreciate it. (FYI: We're off for a few days)
And all this is just between us two, we do this stuff together not with anyone else. Thing is I know he isnt ready to commit but will he ever be? I don't always say yes to when he asks to hangout I do though at times.thing is I love him but idk if it will grow into a relationship or not I'm going it does but if someone doesn't know what they have in front of them then will they ever. I have wanted him for so long and he knows that but he never says anything negative back to that
Ok so you don't think it will progress? I wonder if it would ever. I mean apart of me wants to wait around but I asked if it could with time grow into one but he doesn't want to promote false hopes so he said idk. So that means it could or couldn't then he said I want to have you and do stuff. What do you think that means if sex is an after marriage thing and we both want to wait but we do everything else
@Anna.......We understand. But you need to believe him when he sees, "I don't see us like you do." What he's saying is he knows you have fallen for him but he hasn't fallen for you in the same way. He's using work as an excuse. You say this isn't a FWB relationship but it seems to fall into that category from our vantage point. If he's not willing to commit to you, then you need to think if this relationship is good for your emotional well-being. We see it continuing just like it is. Thoughts?
We do everything together just not sex
And we talk about everything under the sun. I think it's more then s fwb thing
Ok so I have been friends with a guy for over 2and a half years. But back then when I told him how I felt he didnt feel the same but now after two and a half years we are hanging out more and kissing and cuddling screening a normal couple will do but just no sexcause we think it should be after marriage even though we both want to but the thing is I've told him do you ever see us together, he say I don't see us like you do. Then I say what do you mean, he goes idk with work and the state of a relationship is just to much right now and I go I what about with time he goes I don't want to promote false hope so idk. He is and always has been honest with me we hangout he holds my hand does sweet things. He likes that I'm a good person I never complain and he loves my heart and calls me beautiful but he works allll tge time he is a hardworker. He feels bad at times though cause he feels he is corrupting me he has alot of respect for me. We do everything a couple does just no sex. I know I can conitnue this and see what happens wether a relationship which I hope it is! He also told me recently I wanna have you and do stuff idk what that means can anyone help??
@Senci........Have you watched our video on the topic? YOu might want to. Go to our Video page and check it out. Friends with Benefits. We wouldn't read too much into the hand holding. If he wanted a serious relationship with you he probably would have suggested it from the get go. Since he didn't, and you agreed to a FWB arrangement, this is the kind of ambiguity that happens, especially for women. Our suggestion: This relationship is going to start affecting your emotional well-being. Clearly you'd like more than a FWB with this guy. You have three choices. 1. Keep going the way you're going. (You're going to start getting frustrated and upset as this continues) 2. Talk to him about how you're feeling. He may or may not be on board but at least you'll know. Then you can decide what you want to do from there. 3. Move on. What do you think? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And check out that video. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!
Okay me and my friend started having sexual relations last year of September. It's been a on and off thing like we'll stop when he decides he wants to date and we'll continue when it's over. Lately like last month he's been kissing me more and the last time we did it I was on top and he was trying to hold my hand but I didn't see what he was doing so he was like I was trying to hold your hand but we didn't think much about it. Could this mean anything or is it just me? I mean we had sex a lot of times and this was the first time he asked to hold my hands. I mean we have never been in a relationship with one another, it's just sex between us and we are friends. But we did not hold hands that night but he told me he was trying to at the moment. Yes I do care deeply about him but he makes it seem like he has no feelings for me or he doesn't want me to know.
@Jamie......Well, hopefully he'll come to his senses and realize what the two of you have together, beyond the sex. See that's the thing. We understand that both of you were coming out of serious relationships, and that's why you agreed on a FWB arrangement. But we're not big fans of FWB in general. (Watch our video on the topic. On video page) Because FWB arrangements rarely transform into more serious relationships, and now the two of you are in this awkward place where nothing is clear. But having said that don't do anything rash like break it off completely just because it's unclear what's going on. What is clear is that there's a strong connection. And if you just throw in the towel you're going to have regrets, and that's not what you want. We think you should hang in there and start discussing what it is you're doing together. It's not too soon to start trying to define the relationship, at least a little. We also think you'd benefit by going out on more dates, rather than just sleeping together. As you know, when relationships work out, it's just as much about timing as it is about love. In your case the timing isn't great. (Although in some ways it is because you're both now single) Both of you probably need to process the end of your previous relationships before you can feel completely ready to get involved again. (At least he does) So give this some time and see how it progresses. It seems like it's already headed in the right direction. What do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! Also, please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. No pressure of course. (Use PayPal Button on right of any page on our site.)
Ok, so here goes my confusing situation...In November I met this man and we've been "friends" ever since. The back story: when we first met I was on the path of separating from my husband and ending an 8 year relationship. He was engaged and on the road to calling it off. He pursued me through a mutual acquaintance and while the initial attraction was very strong I resisted for about a month before letting go and going out for drinks with him. He's 8 years older and I found him extremely attractive. We built a friendship and became a "welcome distraction" (for lack of a better term) for one another while we were each going through not so pleasant issues. We began texting a few days a week and seeing each other on occasion. I even tried to end it very early on and he just wouldn't let it go. Sometimes I think it was fate that we both met at a time when everything else was falling apart. Talk about BAD timing. Our relationship did not advance sexually until almost 4 months later but in between there was no denying the attraction between us. He did end up calling off his engagement and I did in fact separate and moved into my own place. The problem is that I just do not know where this is going or what it is that he wants. He's more guarded emotionally than I am, so much of the time I keep my guard up as well. Lately he's been relaxing more and the truth is that I know I'm developing strong feelings for this man. I've tried on a few occasions to end this "relationship" but he won't let it go. We mutually agreed to a FWB situation a few months ago but I don't think I can keep this up much longer. Aside from the sex being spectacular, I feel an emotional bond forming and I think it's not just me. The other night he came over and though the only thing we did was kiss, I started to feel ways that I haven't felt in years and I could tell by his face that he was feeling it too. He's asked me random things, as if joking, like "That woman is checking me out, does that make you jealous?" (she wasn't, by the way lol) and he drops other cryptic lines as if he's trying to gauge my feelings. I told him that other night that this was not a good situation we were in, and with a very intense stare he answered "I'm beginning to realize that myself". I don't want to be the one to lay this all out (let's call it part of my Leo stubbornness) and I'm wondering if I should just end it completely because I don't want to get hurt much worse than I know I already might later on down the line. I feel it's only right to add that I've seen other guys while this has been going on (non-sexually) but I don't feel anywhere near the spark I get from him.... Your advice/comments are greatly appreciated.
@Stephanie......Since it would be easy to just move on, you don't have much to lose, so why not try the honest, straightforward approach? We wouldn't bring up K unless he brings him up. As far as the rest, you're going to just drive yourself crazy if you keep spinning every single detail of this saga. Focus on the now and what you can do right this moment. Try to be positive when you talk to him, and then just see what happens. That's the best you can do. Remember, no regrets. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Oh and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU !
Actually I tried to turn it around, pretending that I was in L's position and K was me who was once 'in love' with my best friend. That sucked! And I could easily see I would have some of the same defense mechanisism. I can totally see that K is a source of annoyance, I've always kind of suspected it! The less pleasant explanation is - thank god - not one I see being plausible. At least not according to how my mind works. Cause 1: We kissed at a festival in 2010 - I don't know if it's the same for a guy as for a girl, but he obviously enjoyed it since I continued hearing from him and he started this whole thing in february. 2: I'm pretty sure he didn't expect to feel anything when we hooked up. But then I thought. Maybe that's the problem? What if he thought that now he finally got to be with me and YEAH DUDE, that's awesome .. and then actually felt something and got confused cause he wasn't supposed to? That would also explain why we continued sexting from march up untill last week without us seeing each other. Cause he wanted the relation, but was unsure of what he felt - so he kept putting it of? Or maybe because now he finally got me, what if he fucked it up if we saw each other again? Do I make sense? Cause normally I would get the whole 'it's just sex', but it doesn't really make sense if you're not actually having it then? If he didn't care and it was just casual we would have hooked up plenty times in that 4 months, right? At this point it would be easy to just 'move on', but we have so much history and I just don't think i'm willing to let it go without trying. He's important to me and if things don't get resolved it will be akward for a long time and I can't live with that. Besides who says everything has to be easy. People are complicated and it cant hurt me more to tell him I like him. I'm a little confused to as how I should handle it, though????? If he really has issues with K, would it be stupid of me to say something along "There's difference to falling in love when you're 15 and developing feelings when you're 25 and much more diligent (got it from google translate, hope it's correct, haha) with your feelings? I wouldn't mention K at all, but just so he knows it's a completely different, more 'real' feeling??? Lol, you said I could ask away so that's what I'm doing :) Might have to donate a little soon, huah? But please please don't ignore the first bit of my questions . It's really bothering me that whole 'putting of seeing each other, only texting for 3½ months' thing.
@Stephanie......That's what we're hear for. Ask away Stephanie.........Anyway, K, is a source of annoyance and anger for L. Trust us. Guys don't like to get "beaten out" by other guys. (You might not see it that way, but he does.) And this could easily be why he's acting the way he is, and saying it's just sex, etc. For some guys, it's impossible to get over the slight, even if the woman finally sees the light and chooses them. Some guys will always be wondering, "Why didn't she choose me first? Is she just choosing me now because she can't have him? Is he better than me in the bedroom? Maybe he didn't want her, so now she's settling for me?" Woman might ask some of these same questions, but they're able to get over them more easily with the right explanations. For guys, it's a lot harder, because so much of their ego is linked with being great in bed, and being the "Best" a woman's ever had, etc. So this kind of mindset could easily explain his behavior. But there is another explanation, and one that's not the most pleasant. It could be that after all the buildup, he realized once he was with you, that he didn't feel how he was expecting to feel. The WHY doesn't really matter, it's just that he didn't, or doesn't. That could also explain his erratic behavior. The thing is Stephanie, it's hard to say why exactly he's doing what he's doing, because when you're dealing with someone who's not that introspective, he may not even know himself why he's acting how he's acting. You may never get a clear explanation, and that's part of why relationship can be so frustrating. It's good to try and examine and understand, but at some point you just have to throw your hands up in the air and say, "Whatever. Time to move on." Does this help at all, or did we just make things more difficult?
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your reply! I was a bit worried you'd say he was just in it to have sex. Eventhough we only had it once. haha. But okay, to what you wrote. You say the second blow to his ego was when I had a ONS with K, but he had a gf at that time. I know he still got very annoyed and said crap about K, but he couldn't have been expecting anything - he had a gf?! The night he came over I was acting very weird. Say things like "what if I don't wanna have sex with you affterall?" Him being very polite and saying 'then you shouldn't' and me saying 'lol, but I do'. I know this is very immature, but I was insecure. When we were done I got angry cause he did something that reminded me of a horrible ex-bf. I put all my clothes back on and turned my back to him acting very offended, he didn't have a clue to as what was going on. He asked me if I was seriously angry, I said no, turned around and 10 secs later I was pissed again, turning my back against him again and then complaining that we slept with our heads in the wrong end and made us relocate and then complaining there wasn't enough blanket to cover the both of us. Still with my back turned to him. Okay, but if it's not because someone - K - told everyone that him and I had been together, what would be the trigger for him to all of a sudden get angry that night? When we were talking and he was being an idiot, I told him that I only told K and his response was "Well then you learned you obviously can't trust K". And why would he put off seing me for 3½ months? Because it was akward the first time? Cause he was afraid that he couldn't live up to all the things he's written? Cause he didn't wanna face if he actually had feelings? Remember I texted him 2 months in saying I liked him and his response was that he didn't feel the same way, it was just sex to him. But in a very nice and caring way. Then why? Sorry, didn't mean to raise more questions :/
@Stephanie.....Well, let's look at it from his perspective. L has been in love with you—or at least liked you a lot—for a very long time. During that time you basically chose his friend K over him. That's the first major blow to his ego. Then, when he thought you might be interested in him, you leave to have a one night stand with K. That's the second blow to his ego. And the third blow, was when he finally came over to have sex with you, things got a bit strange. (We're still a bit confused to what actually happened, or didn't happen.) Now, fast forward to today. Things are weird between the two of you, but we doubt it's because someone told everyone you were sleeping together. On the contrary he's wounded by everything that's happened between the two of you and he feels like he has to act like a "man" now. (His words.) And he thinks this is what men do: They try to act tough, ignore their true feelings, and treat the people they care about badly. He doesn't know how to feel, or what to feel. He's confused and unsure of himself. If you have any hope of reuniting with him the two of you need to ostensibly start over. (Which may or may not be possible) The first step would be to get together with him for coffee or lunch, not at night, or at some bar or party. You need to apologize to him, and then tell him that you care about him. Yes, we realize you'd be putting yourself out there, but honestly, sometimes you have to take a risk to get what you want. If he rejects you, then you'll be no worse off than you are now. And at least you'll have some answers. What do you think? We'd like to hear your thoughts on this. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page.)
Guys, I need some clarification! Okay wow, where to start! I've known this guy L for 12 years, we went to school together when we were 14-16 in 00-03 and hung out with the same people. we were friends. I was in love with his friend K & everyone knew it. ive always suspected that he was into me, especially since when we finished school i continued to hear from him at least every 6 months. besides that weve seen each other at parties and what not since and it has always ended up with the two of us hanging out all night. furthermore he would often text me very nice messages when I got home and deny it meant anything the day after. in 2007 i started having a fling with K I was in love with 5 years before - again. L was still hitting on me whenever everyone of us went out. It stopped and 1½ later I had a one-night stand with K. that night in 2008 i had been talking to L the entire evening, he had a sweet girlfriend, but when it was time to leave and I wanted to go with K, L got angry and said mean things about K and me wanting to hook up with him. So we continue talking every once in a while when he texts and says "Let's get together soon and get a beer bla bla bla". Then at a festival in 2010 we meet up to drink a beer and end up kissing, at this point he's been with his gf for 3 years and they live together. I didnt enjoy it, but my selfesteem needed it. after 3 days, when the festival ended, he texted me saying "hope you had a good festival and that you came home safely, we have to see each other again soon". We continue talking in the following weeks, text, facebook and it just stops, which was fine by me. wasn't interested. as all the other times, except the kiss on the festival, i made sort of fun of him for hitting on me. the following 1½ year he continues to text me every 3 months with casual "hows it going, we need to have a beer bla bla bla". The 4 months ago he shows me a exhibition at his school and texts the following that that it was really good seeing me. If I speed it up, 6 messages later he welcomes me into his bed and for the first time I dont joke about. He got hot, lol. We text about sex for 14 days and then he comes to me in the middle of the night cause Im drunk. we have sex and Im an idiot. i got insecure, put all my clothes back on and turned my back to him. oh and I was angry for some reason. i dont hear from him for 3 weeks, even after texting I was sorry and explaining what happened. all of a sudden he texts me and says that he thought i seemed distant and was unsure of where he had me. we continue the sexting and I begin to wonder if i have actual feelings, so 1½ month later I ask what's going on, hinting I might like him, he gives me a very sweet 'rejection' and im cool with it. now i know where I stand. But lets get to the having sex then I think. being its been 2 months and we still only have seen each other 1 time. But noooo, L keeps saying "SOON" but shit never happens. Now it's been 4 months and still nothing. weve texted each other approximately every 2nd day for 4 months, him just as much as me. We talked abo! ut other things than sex, but not often. he has helped with some school, talked about his work, about my dead dad and the sextalk has always been very personal and intimate. rarely romantic though. I have called him out on pushing actually seeing each other again into the future, but he just talks about something else and later says "bla bla lets make it reality bla SOON bla bla". Then 4 days ago we see each other at a streetpartythingy, cause we both have the same friends from back then. just hours before that we had fun on facebook and he had send me picture, ahem, but it wasnt akward and we talked fine. THEN one of our mutual friends friend tells him that she knows we have been hooking up. I didnt hear it though. he starts ignoring me, answering me in an angry voice and all of sudden just leaves with some people to find a bar. I follow him and asks him why hes mad. He claims hes not mad, but it's sooo over and done and its my fault because he hadnt told anyone so I could only blame myself. and that it was a thing between him and me. The guy who DID tell everyone there was unfortunately K, cause I still talk to him a lot. that makes L even more annoyed. He talks to me in a very patrionizing way and all of sudden says "I dont want any of this emotional-crap, Im a man" WTF?! And then says "i still want to be friends, come lets hit a bar, ill even buy you a drink" STILL in a very condescending tone. There was nothing sweet about it AT ALL! It ends with him leaving and me being totally stunned. I text him saying if he cared as little as he would like it to seem, he wouldnt care if people knew. Dont know if thats true though. It should be said that I in front of some random girl and L at the streetthingy told K that he was one of the most amazing people i have ever met, praising him - for the sake of him having a chance with the girl, but Im not sure that was very clever in retrospect. Furthermore some of L friends have said they believe he had a thing for me when we were younger, but he's a very privtate person. Seriously, what's going on in that head? Do you really get angry because people all of sudden know, when you say its just sex? Why would have this 'thing' going for 4 months never seeing each other? Afraid to not perform? I am so lost in this, and yes I do have feelings for him, but i am not out to make every little thing that has happened into him liking me back, I have just never come across this before. My male friends has given up on this dude. They dont get it either. Sorry for the LOOOOOOOOOOONG post, but I couldnt make it any shorter if important -in my head- things had to be there. And sorry about the bad grammar, im impatient and foreign :)
@Kendra.........Why are you afraid to talk with him about this? Are you afraid of ruining what you have? But here's the thing, if you're not really satisfied with what you have because you really want more then you won't ruin anything. It seems like you want more with this guy otherwise you probably wouldn't have contacted us. So if that's the case you need to talk with him. Typically a FWB arrangement doesn't move to something more serious. (Watch our video on the topic) But every once in a while it does. But the longer this goes on the way it is the less likely it will change. We interpret his words "You're trouble" to mean, "I'm not sure what to do about you. I"m not sure what I want." If he's unsure this is the time to express yourself. What's the worst that can happen? Your situation will end and you'll move on. But if you're not truly satisfied anyway, you're better off finding a guy who wants the whole package. What do you think?
Hey guys how about friends with benefits for over a year neither one of us sleeping with anyone else and there is definitely a mutual respect and some emotion there that noone wants to talk about but the eyes say it all supposedly...there have been the comments that confuse me like we were only supposed to hook up a couple times and now I can't stop or backing away in the middle of a kiss he sighs really hard shakes his head and says YOUR TROUBLE. When we are out in public he watches everything and has a little smirk on his face if I get up to dance he goes by the dance floor and watches me smiling the whole time...in recent visits I have wanted to express my feelings but fear it's not a good idea I feel that he feels the same but I'm unsure what do I do???