Friends with benefits?

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Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 


Dear Guys,

So I recently started hooking up with this guy. I liked him a little, and told him I wanted to keep things casual before we both start college in the fall. We hooked up one time, and ended up going “all the way.” I was originally not going to text him, but he began texting me and we’ve been talking non-stop. I’ve hung out with his friends, but he will never touch me in front of them. However, once we get into the car, he’ll begin talking to me and he’ll kiss me good night. We’ve gone “all the way” a few times now, and we both know each other really well. I am worried because he stopped texting me, even though he told me how eager he is to see me again in a non-sexual setting. I’m trying to figure out if this means he wants to be more than “friends with benefits,” or are we still only in the “hook up” stage? Keep in mind, we’ve hung out together and not done anything, and we both still have fun. I’m really confused about the state of this relationship


Dear Hilary,

Thanks for your question.

Part of the confusion stems from your initial desire to keep things casual before you leave for college. But when you couple that with “hooking up,” which for some someone your age isn’t typically casual, now we’re even a bit confused.

What we’re gathering from your note is that now you’ve decided you like this guy beyond a “friends with benefits” arrangement. And this is the problem with casual “hook ups.” Someone—and often the woman because men still seem to more easily separate the physical from the emotional—starts to get connected emotionally, which leads to a potentially confusing and frustrating situation.

It might be nice to sort this out before you leave for college in a few weeks, but this could be the type of situation where things are up in the air even as you leave for school. A lot is going to happen for both of you in the next 9 months. And since things are already unclear between the two of you, maybe you should revert back to a platonic relationship with him so you can keep yourself open to new possibilities as you enter school. There ARE couples that stay together all throughout college, but those couples are rare, and usually have a solid foundation in place before they do the long distance dance. More typically, couples split up and explore on their own, and then sometimes reconnect a few years later. We think if people are meant to be together, somehow they’ll end up finding each other again.

If this answer doesn’t help you, then your best bet is to talk to him and try to find out where his head is at. And of course tell him how you’re feeling as well. But since he’s been giving you mixed signals you may not get the answer you’re hoping for.

Good luck on all fronts,


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50 Comments on Friends with benefits?

  1. So get ready this is a little complicated – my (now ex) boyfriend dated for a little over a year. We broke up about a week ago. When we broke up, we decided to stay friends. But the break up wasn’t easy. We’re still in love, but in the relationship, we never really did much. We talked about the same things every day, and we never went on dates, we just kinda sat at home, watched movies/tv, and had sex. We felt it was an ’empty relationship’, so we ended it. He believes that we will at some point get back together, but he wants us to learn to be friends first so that our relationship later would be stronger. But we were considering starting being friends with benefits. We would be friends first and foremost, but ‘benefits’ every now and then. It could work, but right now all that’s holding me together is the hope that one day we will be together again. I’m afraid that if we become friends with benefits, he’ll lose his respect for me, and just see me as someone to use for sex, instead of someone that he can love, and be in a relationship with. What do you think? Will friends with benefits end all possibilities of us getting back together, or will it be ok for us to do it? Please help!

  2. @Grace……Being in a Friends with Benefits Relationship with him won’t be much different than the relationship the two of you already had. What is a FWB relationship? It’s when two people agree to hang out and have sex. Meaning, they don’t go out, they don’t do much, the just have sex. Well from what you describe of your actual relationship, that’s all you did. So if you really want to begin anew, why don’t you stick to the plan and try to actually be friends, or give yourself some space to clear your head. We’re suggesting this more for you, rather than what he’ll think of you if you decide to give the green light to a Friends with Benefits arrangement. Basically, you’ve got nothing to gain from a FWB, and everything to gain from getting some separation, clearing your head, and starting again. And you know, who knows, when you actually do get some separation, you might view the relationship in a completely different light. Ask yourself these questions: What did I really love about him? Was it love, or just easy and safe? Was I growing in the relationship? What does he see in me? Do we work well together? And do I want to build a life with this guy? The answers to those questions will help you figure out how you want to proceed: with or without him.

  3. So I met this guy at work about 9 years ago and we hung out and had some pretty amazing sex. Unfortunently he left for college and we never talked until a few months ago and he messaged me on facebook saying how amazing I was the last time we were together and he really wanted to see me when he came to town to visit. After a few months I got a text saying he was here but I had gone out of town and left my phone at home so I didn’t respond till the next day and he said it was cool that he was in town for the night and wanted to see me. A few more months passed and just this last weekend he was in town and called me so we met up and hung out for a couple hours till I needed to start getting ready for my daughters birthday party. He went with me to get the cake and other things then I took him home, he wanted to go but my ex husband was gonna be there and I didn’t want it to be awkward on my daughters day. So later that night we got t
    o together and of course it was amazing. When he went home he said he wanted me to come up to where he lived and stay a couple nights. Thing is we don’t talk hardly at all and ocassionally have a random text usually me f
    irst unless its from him telling me he wants to see me. So today he tells me he’s down for me to come visit so I said I have to put in for the time off he said no problem that he was at work and he will let me know. So my question is what is going through his mind? He doesn’t mind being seen with me and always wants to make it a point to see me when he’s in town but doesn’t call or text I between times. Im totally confused.

  4. @Jessica….At this point the only thing that’s clear is that he’s attracted to you physically. What’s not clear is how he views you? FWB? Potential relationship? Casual Fling? We know that’s what you’re asking but we can’t read his mind. We need more information, and frankly, YOU need more information. Why don’t you suggest going out on a few dates instead of going to each other’s places? Try to do some things during the day. See if you can take this to a different place, rather than always heated, late night sex. Also, some more regular communication might be good. You might need to initiate at first, but don’t do too much. Just make it clear that you’re open to it, after that he should be the one following through. Feel free to ask us a follow up question as this progresses. Keep us posted. And good luck.

  5. hello,
    I have been FWB with a married guy for almost an year now. In the last 10 months or so, we have only met maybe 20 times( I know, I am not keeping a track). To begin with, I really liked him and there were never any rules specified other than when we are with each other, we are, when not thats it. This guy sees me only when he has time and that too is like 40-60 mins once in a few weeks.HE doesn’t want to make any schedule about meeting and if I bring it up- he says he will think about it. he says time is a big issue for “us”. He doesn’t work, he is studying though, but his wife started working from home lately. Other than a few instances, we have never met when I have wanted to. For that he always says- I can’t just drop everything I am doing and come see you. I have been very patient with him, to adjust every time and make it work. He seldom calls me or texts me, I don’t expect him to call me everyday but yes an occasional call or text will make any girl feel special. He doesn’t try to make up for the days he has had to cancel, and yes, It seems to me that I am his like last priority. It’s not When he has time- it’s like If he has time he will see me. No lunches, no fun activities, once in a while he just wants to do it and leave. I asked him directly today- do you think you can make more time for me- for which he said- there could be multiple answers to it, but let me think about it and I will tell you. For everything I tell him, he always says I understand but really doesn’t do much about it. I told him today- you tell me, once a week or 2 weeks its fine with me, because I like clarity and a certain schedule and being a girl I ask you everytime- I feel bad…To that he said so you need more stability- I have no idea what he meant by that. He stares at other women- even half his age When I am sitting next to him- I never really said anything to him about it but yea I do feel insulted in a way. I don’t have any lovey dovey feelings for him but yes, I did like him a lot and I have no clue what he is doi!
    ng. He j
    ust keeps saying- time is an issue between us. Please Help

  6. @Octsar……..Let’s get this straight. You’re having an affair with a married guy and you’re wondering why he says he doesn’t have time for you? Well, it could be that he has a wife, and a life beyond your bi-weekly trysts. We don’t think you can expect much from him. And frankly, he’s cheating on his wife. Who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his girlfriend or his wife?

  7. Hi,How do i get my exhusband back?My name is elizabeth Scott I am divorce since last year my exhusband and me got married on valentines day and its going to be a year next month i `ve been with him 11 years now me i am in cyprus and his in Newcastle UK i am going back this summer to find him we are in touch on the phone how do i get him back i still love him still have feelings for him i am so upset and sad crying all day and night.I want him back for good.My heart is with him i lost our baby too the year before had a misscariage been cremated in Newcastle i live in cyprus with my mum and we are moving back where my exhusband is.please help me i need your help.

  8. I’VE met this Guy named Tony two or three months ago. So my bestfriend and I were sitting outside conversating in our on little world. So he and a friend walked up and introduced himself to me not my friend. S after he gave me his numba. I was the first to call him than the next two weeks we hooked up. Then every since then we always hook up but now we don’t and he doesn’t have time for me or he has a lot on his plate(problems). So assuming to just move on and be friends @ a distance.

  9. @Dee…..Yes, it doesn’t sound promising especially because it began as hooking up rather than actual dating. Maybe the next guy you meet you can get to know slowly. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page for some interesting stories from some great women guest writers. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  10. I’m glad I found this website. A little over a year ago I went out to see a local band (we live in a small town so the typical musician cliches apply, but on a smaller scale) and hit it off with one of the members. We planned to hook up that night but it didn’t pan out, and we exchanged numbers. After that, it seemed awkward to me to just plan to meet up for sex so I told him I wasn’t really interested and that it was a spur of the moment thing. He continued to text me however, sometimes something neutral and sometimes asking me to meet up with him. This went on for several months, and I’d have at least a couple texting conversations a month with him. During that time my Dad passed away so I wasn’t thinking about guys. This January he asked me to come to a show nearby and I decided to go. The whole time he was very cold to me and when I asked why he told me I had blown him off for a year and made him feel like crap, and that he didn’t know if anything could happen between us now. My friends concluded that this meant he actually wanted to date, not just have sex, otherwise he wouldn’t be so upset. I should clarify that I don’t mind just having sex without a relationship, but only in a multiple times- fwb situation. So we started texting again several times a week and he continued to pursue me. He is extremely bad at communicating via text and occasionally would not respond to a text till a day or two later, even if it was a sexy pic or something, but then would give me some excuse. I realized this was kind of asshole-y but he doesn’t really use facebook and works a full time job as well as being in 3 bands so I cut him some slack. Finally, on Thursday I decided to meet up with him and we slept together. Afterward I tried to leave right away and he said “You’re going already? Stay and talk to me for awhile.” So I did and he told me all about his work, new band, dreams etc. and asked me to come to a show that’s coming up. I said maybe. When I left I asked him “So are we still going to talk after this?” and he said yes. Well the next day I casually said something about how tired I was at work from our encounter such as “If we do that again it should be earlier work sucked today.” and he said “Ha. Sorry…” Hmm… what does that mean? Well the weekend went by with no texts which annoyed me. Yesterday I said “So, do you want to do that again, such as later this week maybe?” and he replied:
    “Ha. Really?”
    WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. Really as in ‘as if!’ or really as in ‘I didn’t expect that but am pleased!’ When I asked him to clarify he didn’t respond and now it’s been over 24 hours since then. I am extremely, utterly confused by the mixed messages. First off, I get some guys are into the conquest, but he’s attractive and clearly could and most likely did sleep with other girls in the past year, so why would you pursue me that long, and put all that time and energy into one night of sex??? Secondly, why would you make me stay and chat about life with you and ask me to the next show if you didn’t want to see me again. Third, what guy says no to NSA sex in the first place with someone they find attractive (he’s not in a relationship.) Fourth, if you didn’t want to do it again, why respond to me at all, or why not just respond “I’m busy this week.” or “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Friends have suggested he’s trying to make me feel bad as payback but I don’t feel he’s as scheming as that. What should I do about this and do you have any idea what he’s thinking!?!

  11. @Abbie…….Well, we’ll start with his response to you about work. “Ha. Sorry…” That likely means, “I’m glad the sex was so good that you’re so tired, but I am sorry you had a shitty day.” His second response to you sounds like a surprised response. Like, “Really?” Wow. Okay. Of course, Abbie, this is all conjecture. We have no idea what’s really going on, these are our best guesses. Because this is the issue with texting. It’s flat. You can’t hear a voice, see a facial expression, read any sort of non-verbal signs. It’s just words on a screen like an email. And those types of messages are ripe for misinterpretation. Our first suggestion is to try to communicate in a different manner. (We know that’s hard, especially since texting seems to be the number one way people communicate these days.) Our second suggestion is the next time you get together with him, and you have that “talk” afterward, you might actually want to talk a bit about this thing that you’re doing. You see, we’re not too keen on a FWB, NSA arrangement. It just leads to too many issues down the road, especially if one person begins to change their expectations. (We recommend you check out our video on the topic: Friends with Benefits) Our rule for conversation is: If you’re having sex, then you can actually discuss the relationship. It’s okay to apologize to him, or explain to him what happened for the first year of your communication. Maybe if he hears about your father, and knows where you’re coming from, he’ll open up to you as well. This is not the time to play games. That happens before sex. If he continues to be non-communicative, and fickle, then it’s time to move on. (You gotta watch those musicians. Okay, we’re kidding. There are a few musicians over here.) Your thoughts? ps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  12. Both of us are out of long term relationships. We decide to just hang out keep eachother company and FWB.
    Going great for a few weeks and now
    took a turn for the worst. He obviously takes it out on me when he talks with his ‘x’ totally can tell. And I of course reacted. we aplogized to each other but at the end His text stated
    “Please do not ever speak or text me that way again.” Please clarify from a mans view really what does this mean??
    Is he done or setting boundaries?

  13. @Ann…..Well, you don’t give us a lot of information to work from, but to us it sounds like he’s just being clear with you, and setting boundaries. The thing is, a FWB arrangement comes with no rules, so it’s up to the couple to set the guidelines. Honestly, we’re not huge fans of a Friends with Benefits arrangement. Check out our video on the topic: FWB One thing to note: Speaking about intimate matters via text is not the best idea. If issues come up you should discuss and resolve them face-to-face. Please keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on any page of site.)

  14. I’m back! Thanks for your feedback the first time. Basically since then the guy established an m.o of texting me once every 1-2 weeks saying ‘I want you’ or ‘come here now.’. I figured out within the first week that he’s not going to answer if I text him so I just don’t. I don’t want to be in a serious relationship. I feel like I’ve definitely done everything ‘right’ and followed all the rules- I ignore him until he texts me, say no more often then yes, etc. I find it incredibly annoying that he ignores me but I’m not having sex with anyone else so I deal with it. Well last night I went over to his place and first off he made me watch a movie with him. Really? Why? Then he made me listen to three songs his band recorded over the weekend. Again, why? After the sex he mentioned he hadn’t slept with anyone since the first time we slept together and I was very surprised considering his flaky behavior- id assume most normal guys would prefer to have sex more than once every 2-3 weeks. When I was about to leave I thought I’d try to clear things up instead of constantly worrying so I said: “so, are we going to do this for like, the summer? Because if so I won’t sleep with other people,,, just wondering.”. And he said “OH JEEZ.” as though I had asked him to get married or something. Then he said: “I want you to be you. Do dhat you want to be happy. Be safe.” I left upset and texted him saying: “I didn’t mean to weird you out I just like to have a sort of plan. I enjoy casually having sex with you.” and he replied “it’s fine. Let’s talk about this some other time though. Drive safe. Night!” and I said “no just forget I brought it up. Night.”. That was the last communication. Help me here, was I in the wrong? Did I sound the dreaded needy or something because I thought I was being casual? Or is it just that he’s a d-bag? Should I text him again or ignore him? As you can tell I’m extremely confused!

  15. @Abbie….Nice to hear from you. We don’t see that you didn’t anything too strange. With all that’s going around, why wouldn’t you want to define what’s going on to some degree. And we hardly consider the summer to be a big commitment. To us, you served him up a home run and he declined. That’s his problem. Maybe it’s time to move on from this. Questions for you: What are you doing exactly? Is this a fwb relationship? Are you both sleeping around? And is that fine with you? What’s really going on here? You say you don’t a relationship so why does his behavior bother you? Just some thoughts that came up while we read your note.

  16. Thanks. Yeah I don’t understand what happened. Do you think he won’t text me again? I know he hasn’t slept with other people which is why I asked the question. Although I just want friends with benefits, I think it’s wrong that he ignores me for weeks at a time. Is that normal in this sort of situation? I wish I could understand what he’s thinking but I can’t seem to. Sigh.

  17. @Abbie….From what you told us about him, he’ll text you when he’s feeling lonely, or horny. The thing about a FWB arrangement is there is no normal. You shouldn’t expect anything, and either should he because you’re in limbo…..not in a relationship, not out of one. Does this make sense? Frankly, neither of you should have any expectations of the other unless you sit down and have a real, heart-to-heart conversation. Good luck. And keep us posted.

  18. Good morning,

    Well I have been seeing a guy, who is younger than me. We were very attracted sexually to one another the first time we met in person, but we actually spoke to one another for over two weeks, with no flirts, or sexual inuendo. I was very clear with him that I wanted more than sex. He explained to me that he had a FWB before but that they went their own ways, and that he wasn’t interested in that. We were seeing each other almost 3 to 4 times a week, and we spent hours talking most of the time. 2 weeks ago, I was under a great deal of stress with a move, and he was going to help me. There was an issue and he said something about my driving, and it really made me react emotionally, I didnt want him to see me crying, but I truly felt that he was over critical of me, and he had done this before, so on the return, I basically told him I could do the remainder, he responded, shocked actually, “You are asking me to leave”? and I told him “Im really not feeling in a good mood” So we went upstairs, and we didnt speak the whole time, he got his keys, and walked out the door, without kissing me or saying goodbye. Later I texted him and told him – I asked you to go because I just cant accept the fact that I care so much for you, and I get the feeling you are very critical of so much about me , it really hurts to feel that the things I do bother you so much, all I wanted was someone who cared as much for me as I do for them, just needed some TLC. So several days later I sent him one more text and called and left a voice mail, the text read, if its over you should tell me so that I can move on. I never meant to hurt your feelings I was trying to tell you how you hurt mine, and i didnt want to be all emotional around you that day, you just dont seem to deal well with emotions. He replied – I don’t and cant talk right now, cuz I feel the conversation will turn into an argument. Im still hurt n extremely pissed about Monday. But I will tak with you when Im in a better place. – so after 5 days, he texts me and asks me how the new house is, and I answer, I let him initiate the conversation, then I ask him how he is feeling. He replies, A little better I decided to change a few things in my life that I hope will be good for me, more exercise, change of diet, and taking a few deep breaths. I made some remarks that were positive to this, and he replied – In theory yes but I have to right now cuz of a type of personality I am not having control of whats happening to me has been wearing on me more than I knew, I told him I miss him, and he replied – you have been on my mind as well. So there was correspondence for the next several days and on Friday I texted him a message saying – hope you have a nice weekend, and he replied Thanks you too, the funny thing is that in the beginning he would txt me every day “good morning” and he would know if something was wrong just by my short answers and he would bug me to tell him what was wrong, and that he wasnt a mind reader, and it seemed that we had a very good connection. Since that one time, he has seemed a little more chill, and I assume that he is being more apprehensive, and taking things maybe more slowly. He texted me yesterday morning, telling me he had a dream about me, and it woke him up, and he thought about calling me, or coming over. We missed each other, and it was so nice to see him again, but then after we are together, I wonder if he just got horny and didnt know what else to do….
    So my concern is how can I ever bring up my question, I really need to know, a solid answer, are we FWB’s or is there potential for more?

    Thank you

  19. @JWL….You both seem so guarded, at least emotionally. It could be for different reasons or they could be the same. Meaning, it seems like you’re both doing your best to not get hurt which translates to you being extra emotional and lashing out, and he being extra sensitive and then distant and cool. You do realize a relationship can’t blossom from this if one of your OR both of you don’t start changing your behaviors? And therein lies the problem. We bet you’d be willing to do what it took to take this relationship to the next level, but the question is, is he? We do realize that his mixed signals and uncertainty are partly to blame for the way you feel, but we also imagine this is something you have a propensity for. So our question to you is, why can’t you bring up the question? If you fear it’s because if you do, then you’re going to lose him, well, then you have your answer right there. Any guy who doesn’t even want to talk about something more serious is definitely NOT interested in something more serious. Does that make sense? If you’re already physically intimate with him and having sex then it’s not too early to discuss AND define what’s going on. What do you think? Please ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us.

  20. I was working on a final project with one of my good guy friends one afternoon so I thought it would be strictly platonic. But for 3 years prior we had always had sexual tension with each other. So while we were working on our project he started coming on to me, and obviously I wanted him to, but I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. We ended up having sex, and it hasn’t really stopped since. It’s been three months and he’s been in and out of relationships since, but in between he still tells me how much he treasures our friendship and how he loves our connection, and the next minute, he is saying how he doesn’t want to fall in love with me. When this all started, I had just ended things with my ex of three years, so I thought maybe this little bit of feelings I thought I had been getting was just rebound. But the FWB relationship kept getting more in depth, and then I thought it was lust, but the emotional attachment I still feel to him lingers. I’ve been used for sex in other relationships before, and I kind of have a feeling this would be where it’d be heading even if we stay in the FWB zone…but every time him and I hang out, we can’t keep our hands off of each other. So I have no idea if I should back off or keep my mouth shut and let things run their course…HELP!

  21. @A…Have you watched our video on the topic of “Friends with Benefits?” You should. Go to our video page on The video says it all. FWB rarely go anywhere. They are what they are and we’re not huge fans. Obviously he’s physically attracted to you, but if he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive, or hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend, then it’s likely he’s not going to. Check out the video and then feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Good luck. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  22. A little more than 2 months ago i met a guy through online dating. We started going on walks, drinks by the sea, swim or bbqs together. He always tells me that he enjoyed my company and suggests future dates. We are attrected to each other and we have messed around with each other a few times but havent had sex yet because i didnt feel comfortable as yet. We communicate every day through facebook and lately i m noticing hes hinting that he would like sex. However we just had a short talk where he asked me if im happy single and then he also told me that he would like a relationship but is afraid that he isn t ready (about 6 months ago he came out from a serious relationship). He asked me if i ever had a sex buddy and i told him that i wasnt interested in such a thing. However when i asked him if he was thinking about it he declined and said he just asked out of curiosity. Well last wk when we met last he mentuoned to me that he is currently happy as he is and was describing relationships as a big sacrifice and that he felt the fear of the unknown (or rather the known). I was a bit sad after he told me this. We havent yet met but we re planning to do so soon. In the mean time he does hint re sexual things when we talk.

    My questions are: if he enjoys my company, likes my character and is also attracted…do u tgink he only wants me for sex? Do you think theres any potential for a relationship with this guy and do u think it has to do with his previous relationships? i like him, he s nice to me but i notice that as soon as he is too sweet and sounds caring towards me he suddenly eithdraws. I dont know what to do. I want sex with him but i have feelings and i dont eant to do it because im afraid i might get reaally hurt after. Any advice/opinion?

    Many thanks :)

  23. @Dany…..He’s giving you mixed signals. We’d be a bit cautious about this. He doesn’t seem like he wants a relationship with you. Basically he wants a sex buddy like he said. When you didn’t jump at the idea he backpedaled fast and pretended he was just curious, but you can be sure if you had said yes, he would have jumped at the opportunity. This guy isn’t serious, and if you’re looking for a serious relationship we don’t see this guy as the one. Why don’t you tell him what you want and then see what he says? If he freaks out or continues to say he’s not interested, well, then maybe you have your answer. Just be careful that he doesn’t pretend he wants something more just to get sex from you. What do you think? Please ask as many follow up questions as you’d like and keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  24. we started out as FWB 3years ago both of us wanting of it that way seeing eachother like every other night staying over etc it had been over 6years since he’d even hooked up with anyone I knew from the start he’s not good when it comes to emotions,his dad wasnt in his life,his mom a drunk never really around treated her animals better then ever did him. his 2 serious relationships seriously fucked him over he’s basically learned to shut off feeling. whatever few months pass & Im gonna be taking a job miles away,I tell him its a god thing Im leaving cause was begining to like him too much & wanting more then he was wanting & I had every intention of letting him go once I was no longer close enough to see him. however once I left he started calling/texting me daily basically became what Id been wanting;told me I was whom he wanted,I make him happy something he hasnt felt in a long time,I like doing the things he likes,etc. wouldnt go a night without saying goodnight or a morning without saying good morning,texting throughout the day:)he drove up a couple times to see me, I flew down a couple times it was a seasonal job he drove up to get me & all my things bring back home. I made it crystal clear to him numerous times in the last month b4 I came back that once home I wanted for him to be my man & I his woman. once back we spent week together then he wasnt a constant like he was for the previous 3mths pulled way the fuck back said that he wasnt wanting of a relationship cause thats when everything goes bad,jealousy no trust comes into play etc!? which is insane thats ass backwards as far as Im concerned to him was fact tho based on his previous relationships!!? but basically because he wasn’t willing of giving that he ultimately made that stuff start happening the the no security for me in his wanting of me. basically the first mth back was not a good one me crying excedera him apologizing for hurting me, telling me he’s not good when it comes to emotion,Im the only one who’s there for him when he ended up !
    having t
    o move,not one friend was I was tho;he said that to me? regardless tho we spend atleast half a week with one another me staying over for days,Ive gone onn camping trips with him & his family;aunts,cousins,big family thing atleast 3Xs in a year. Ive tried stating my wants & walking away too many times now,I love him tho. in the few fights we’ve had he says to me”we’re simply friends with benefits” however I am literally the Only person he spends time with besides his aunt whom they share a house so? I guess my question is after 3years spending time with someone constantly on a regular basis not only intimately but also sharing with one another,going new places,etc. over that amount of time U’d have grown to care for that person right, they’d mean something to you right? not just be some1 easily replacable?? I know I Deserve way better Believe me Im a good woman to whomever I chose to invest my time with,and in all truthfullness at this moment in my life Im really not ready for a serious relationship there’s some things I want to have accomplished myself first b4 I could apply myself properly that way! I just want to Know I mean more then Nothing,that all this time invested on only him wasn’t a waste that I MATTER? :( SINcerely, Coll

  25. @Coll….Of course you didn’t waste your time. You’ve had fun right? You’ve learned some things? About relationships? About yourself? These are all good things. The thing is, we’re not big fans of FWB. (Watch our video on the topic. Go to Video Page) It just never seems to go to the next level, and then ultimately, someone—usually the woman—is left confused, frustrated, and resentful. That’s exactly what’s happened here. You might wonder why he behaved like he did when you were away. Well that’s called, hormones, testosterone. We don’t doubt he missed your company, but we also don’t doubt he missed the sex…a lot! Rest assured Coll, you do mean something to him. He does care for you. But he’s been pretty clear for the past three years that he only wants a FWB arrangement. When a woman says that it’s probably still up for debate because emotions and sex are often more closely linked. For a guy, it usually means just that: He wants sex with no strings attached with someone he trusts. We’re sorry. So what’s your plan? What do you think? Please keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  26. I just got out of a serious relationship and starting having sex with a friend of mine I knew wanted to have sex with me since we met (around the same time I started dating my ex). I started having sex with him thinking that he probably wouldn’t develop feelings for me because he hooks up with lots of girls and that I wouldn’t develop feelings for him because I just broke up with my ex. Well we’ve been having sex for a while and when I sort of told him about other guys I liked and about how I sometimes still see my ex and it’s complicated. I don’t know why I told him…I guess I just wanted to be honest and I figure he wouldn’t care? I always asked him for advice before we started hooking up so I figured it was ok. But tonight I was with a couple of friends for a small Halloween get together, and this really trashy girl we know brought the guy I’m sleeping with to this get together and they basically put on a show for everyone. Making out, groping each other…he KNEW I was there! (I was also kind of clearly flirting with another guy when he walked in.) When I left my friend yelled at him to get out of her apartment and how dare he do that …and he said that I had been “making him feel like shit” and that I’m always with my ex. What does this mean? Does he have feelings for me or is he just an asshole and enjoys making me jealous?

  27. @Lexi…..What do you think? To us, it seems like he has feelings for you. He was trying to make you jealous by “putting on a show” with this other girl. And this is the problem with FWB. (Have you watched our video on the topic? You might want to to. Go to video page.) Typically, it’s the woman who develops feelings for the guy, but in this case the roles seemed to reversed. The question here is: What do you want Lexi? If this guy truly has feelings for you is that something you’d like to explore? Let us know and we’ll offer some more opinions. Take care. ps. Please share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  28. Thank you so much for answering so quickly! I will definitely share with friends. To answer your question, yes I would be willing to explore it if that is how he really feels. I mean I’m not a heartless girl and he is someone I’ve been friends with for a while and now we’re having sex of course I have fond feelings for him…and it did really hurt to see him with someone else, I mean, I’m still thinking about it. I just never thought he would develop these feelings because that has never happened to me with a FWB. How do I move forward? I’m still kind of angry about it but I don’t want him to see the rise that he wanted to get out of me.

  29. @Lexi….If you really want to move forward the two of you need to have a “sit down” and hash all of this out. You’re upset. He’s upset. He acted badly. Etc. In order to have a chance to move forward you both have to air your concerns and your feelings. If you can get past that stage, it will probably be clearer how to proceed. That’s our suggestion. But certainly feel free to come back and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted. Good luck.

  30. Thank you in advance for answering my question! So I got into a fwb situation after being with only one guy for 8 years in the past only. During this situation another interesting question hit me, Am I good at sex? Or will a guy have bad sex with a fwb girl just because its sex and he can. Even if he is having sex with other girls because its been established this is not an exclusive fwb situtation? And i know for a fact he is having sex with other girls.
    Like I said Ive only been with one guy so I feel inexperienced. My FWB guy is very experienced and its been great for me but I always wonder if am any good at it. And after a few months of doing it he started to feed into my insecurity by expressing himself very boldly. Usually happens when we have had a few drinks start having sex and after he has made a comment on a couple occassions. First time, he said something during in a as nice as it can get way, he said with a giggle, “babe ur so bad at this” but I felt like it pertained more to me trying dirty talk which was also new to me lol so didnt think much of it. Then another time again a little less nice and also a little frustrated he said, lets try videotaping” ofcourse i said no, then he said “ur so boring we need to do something different bcuz this is so boringgggggg!” then again another time he finally said, “ugh ur the worst sex ever” this time I was pretty upset and called him out on it and said If im so bad then stop having sex with me u have all these other girls so go screw them. I even asked him to please leave and his response was Im sorry, come here (hugging me) u know ur my boo. Now mind you we were both a little tipsy but that left me a little confused. He didnt answer my question of why have sex with someone not good at it. And we have already established this guy does not see me as anything more than a bootycall, so what is it? Its now a year later and we still have the same fwb situation nothing has changed, and I still dont know why he would have sex with his worst ever?? When he can have any girl he wants and he does get. And he has already told me Im not good but his actions say something different. So am I or am i not good at it?? and do guys always continue to have bad sex fwb? just cuz its sex? See its hard for us girls to understand cuz we either have great sex or really bad sex and ONLY stay with bad sex if we are in love BUT again thats not the case here so wat is it?

  31. @Mia…..We’re a bit confused ourself. So what are you getting from this arrangement? Are you hoping this is going to turn into something more serious? (Have you watched our video on Friends with Benefits? You might want to. Check it out on our Video Advice page on our site.) Now, to your specific question. If it’s a choice between no sex and bad sex, a guy will choose bad sex every time. But bad sex is very personal. In fact, we’re not sure what he even means. Usually when a guy says the sex is bad it’s because of three things: 1. The woman doesn’t seem into it. She just lies there. (It makes the guy feel lame.) 2. The woman doesn’t orgasm. (It makes the guy feel lame.) Are you seeing a pattern here? 3. The woman wants to stick to one or two things. Maybe won’t try a few new things. In general, dirty talk or videotaping are extras, and really don’t determine good sex or bad sex. So can you give us a little more information? (We may put this up on our Sex w/The Guys page since we think a lot of other women might be interested in learning about this topic.) Can you be a bit more specific? What are you doing or not doing when he says you’re no good? Typically, if a woman is into trying new positions with intercourse, and enthusiastic enough about oral sex, she would immediately fall into the good category. After that it’s all extra, and specific to each guy. Does this help? Fill us in and we’ll give you some more feedback. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  32. Hi guys! Thanks for answering so quickly! Im confused too! Since its well established that this only a bootycall type of relationship with him, im not expecting it to turn into anything. So i focused my attention on taking this fwb thing as a learning exp in getting better in my bed since ive only been with one guy and we didnt do anything different or new ever. So yes sometimes I feel like I do just lay there or I just so feel so inexperiened with him. In the first couple months of hooking up he almost kinda directed me i guess u can say, n tell me what to do, new positions to try etc.. Im pretty open to that and I feel like i show him always that im into it and we have oral almost e everytime we hve our bootycall so he knows i dont have a problem with that but yes our positions stay pretty basic. But again Ive shown him im pretty open to anything new so I am confused when he says these things. Now i know he IS having sex with othr girls how often not sure. but we can go about a month or 2 without hooking up. The comments mostly come after i tried dirty talk and said no to videotaping n also once i said no to swallowing ( since that was also smethng i nvr did) other times im not sure its just random. Actually another time we were just getting started while my friend slept in the next room n he says “u need to call ur friend in here with us” ofcourse i say no n he says see thats y i need to stop coming ovr cuz ur so boring..Yet he continues to keep This going… So i just wondered.. How can i tell if im a good or bad lay when his words n actions seem so opposite to me. i cant help but think, wow if ur threatening to stop this ez lay cuz i wont try these “extras” then this must be his worst sex ever. And lastly what did u mean by bad sex is very personal?

  33. @Mia…..What one guy thinks is bad, another might think is good. Some don’t like dirty talk, some do. Etc. So that’s why it’s personal and varies from guy to guy. Honestly, we’re a bit worried about your situation, partly from a health standpoint—how many women is this guy sleeping with?—and partly from an emotional standpoint. (He doesn’t sound like he’s helping your confidence.) From what you describe, you fit the main criteria of good sex we mentioned. (You’re open to trying new things, you’re enthusiastic, you’re willing to do oral, etc.) We’re not sure what he’s complaining about. As far as videotaping. We’re highly against that in your situation. You don’t really know the guy, and you’re not in a committed relationship. Who knows what could happen with the tape? As per dirty talk. Some people are good at it, some aren’t. It takes practice. But this varies from guy to guy. Some might think a particular type of dirty talk is hot, others not. And finally, the best way for a woman to be good at sex, is just to be attractive to the guy. If a guy is hot for you, and you’re anything like you describe, you’ve got all you need. The rest will come—no pun intended—with time. We’re suggesting you move on from this guy. You’ve learned what you’ve learned. It’s now time to apply your new knowledge to a guy who loves you and respects you. What do you think?

  34. I have this guy friend that over the summer we became friend with benefits so during this time I developed feelings. But he meet a this girl and he is dating her but every so often we have oral sex. But he has all these another female friend but he always come to me for oral and to talk. But he make no sense I mean he tell me more about his problem then he should his girl. Also, every time I get a text he look over it to see who it is and same as well as my calls. Also, he lies and tell her he with his buddy how a guy. So does he love me or am I just a friend with benefits and how should I handle this situation.

  35. I have this guy friend that over the summer we became friend with benefits so during this time I developed feelings. But he meet this girl and he is now dating her but every so often we have oral sex. But he has all these another female friend but he always come to me for oral and to talk. But he make no sense I mean he tell me more about his problem then he should tell his girl. Also, every time I get a text he look over it to see who it is and same as well as my calls. Also, he lies and tell her he with his buddy who is a guy. So does he love me or am I just a friend with benefits and how should I handle this situation.

  36. @Angie……You seem like a nice girl so we’re sorry to have to say this. (And this is coming from a supportive place.) But this guy does not love you. Actually he’s using you AND he’s cheating on his girlfriend. Is he really the kind of guy you want to be hanging out with? You deserve more than this. You deserve a guy who’s going to love and respect you the way you love and respect them. This guy is not your guy. Our suggestion: Stop all relations with him and move on. Time to be open to new possibilities. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  37. I am 16 and he is 18 years old .I know this guy 3 years so far. So with that guy at the past we were talking a lot on msn but never met each other face to face ( i saw him before we talk ). He was the first guy i fell in love so hard . I was so in love with him. We were watching each other via cam ,texting and talking about sex things all the time. The bad thing it was because i was so in love with him i was doing everything he was asking. He was telling me to put fingers but i never put i just saying that i was putting and we were making sex texting. One day this stopped because we argued for something but he was still talking to me sometimes via msn but only on msn even if we are friends on facebook. So this summer he started talk to me everyday on msn. I wasn’t even want him ,i forgot him but for 3 months we were talking everyday about advice for me , about his girlfriend who he has one year relationship and he told me that he changed and he really loved her .So almost all of ours conversations the theme was about sex and sometimes about things about my self but always we were lead to sex things.So then on these 3 months he made me fall in love with him again. I know that is bad that he has a girlfriend but i always telling him that i was feeling bad for his girlfriend because she is a really good girl.So one day he was telling me that we have to meet face to face so he can watch me after all this time and also he can give me some advice about men. So i wasn’t about to accept but for 2 times we arrange to meet.. at the time we were about to meet he was canceling it. So i said to my self to not accept again to meet him. Then we were keep talking about such things and then the things become worse for me. He showed me his dick via cam but i didn’t know that he was going to do it and i liked his dick and then we started to do sex texting and i was putting fingers in real and i was enjoying his messages . Again he was telling me that we should meet and i can watch his dick from close and give him a blow job. I wasn’t really sure about it but because i really wanted to saw him i accepted . But we argued about something and we cancelled it. I was relief that i didn’t go but now he is keeping texting me on msn about sex and about fucking me but i don’t want to lose my virginity at all. So he is keep saying me about blowjob.But i really like his dick but i know this is wrong and i should not meet him. The last time he said me to think about it about day and hour to arrange. I don’t know what to do because i love him. Just to mention that he only get in msn just to talk to me and then when he we end our conversation he is getting off and even he is saying me that he is all day on msn but he is just get in to talk to me .Please answer me about it. I know that it is a long message but i really want advice about it .
    Also sorry if i made grammar mistakes it is because I am foreigner.

  38. @Appollon…….We left you a response on the post: Online Cheating. Please respond there.

  39. Christen // March 17, 2013 at 8:41 pm //

    Hi Guys! Hoping for some advice….which you seem to be excellent at. There is a guy who I have become friends with at work – different departments, same building – we have seen each other out at social work functions and have always casually flirted but nothing more than friends. He was dating someone for about 6 months and he recently broke up with her about 2 months ago. Lately, he has been more flirty and touchy at work – nothing too sexual, just innocent touching on back, arm, etc. He randomly texted me a few weekends ago asking if I was out with friends and if I wanted to meet up and get together. At that point it was after midnight so I declined the offer (since I am always wary of some people’s intentions) but suggested maybe another weekend. Time went on and I did him a few favors at work as sometimes our offices work together – he joked that he would have to buy me dinner sometime for helping him out. I’ve never pushed the issue and just figured if he wanted to he would ask. We also text randomly during the week, just funny casual conversation. This past week we spoke on thursday and he mentioned about meeting him and his friends on saturday since they were going out during the day. I never said yes or no, just kind of left it up in the air. I was meeting a coworker on Friday night who he is also friends with, and he ended up coming along. Well happy hour turned into a late night. We were out and I had offered to drive him home earlier in the night, before any drinks were had. As the drinking went on, we of course got closer, more flirting, etc. He mentioned that he liked hanging out with me outside of work and that he was having a lot of fun. So we went to leave and I drove him home. I parked and we just went to hug goodbye and ended up kissing, which turned into a full makeout session. He asked me to come in and I said no. I explained that I wasn’t going to come in after we had been drinking and I wasn’t interested in being some rebound girl..that if things went any further it wasnt going to happen that night. Which of course he says “oh you’re not, blah blah…” So we made out some more, but I insisted on leaving. I don’t know how I feel about him…which leaves me confused. I’m thinking that I was right in not going to his place and letting things go further, but I guess I’m not sure if he is after sex or given his increased attention lately maybe he is interested in more. I don’t want to be awkward next time I see him, but I’m not sure if I should bring it up or just act like it never happened. I guess part of me would be interested in dating or seeing him again, and I’m afraid I may have ruined that, even though I didn’t let things get too carried away. Prior to any of this happening, i would have asked him to hang out as friends without thinking about it, but now I feel like it is weird. Thoughts………..?????????

  40. @Christen……If you “ruined” it then it was never meant to be in the first place. Of course he wants to have sex with you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you in other ways too. Time will only tell on that. Just be cool at work and see what happens. He should be initiating anyway. And if he’s not able to do that, then you don’t need to waste your time worrying about it. Just see what happens. You’ve got to be more patient, especially since it’s a work relationship and those can be much more complicated and delicate. He’s probably weighing what he needs to do. But let him initiate and keep us posted.

  41. Hey guys! About 5 months ago I started having casual sex with a guy I met through a friend. We agreed to because friends with benefits as long as the other didn’t sleep with anyone else but I found out he was started to see my friends friend so I broke it off and he text me out of the blue a week later and I ended up going around anyway a months passed and we haven’t had sex since but seen each other and text most days and last weekend he saw me with another lad and didn’t look impressed at all he then text me asking where I was so I said walking home and he asked where? So I said where we were and I walked a little more to notice his friends car parked at the side of the road with him sat init so he drove off and then kept ringing me so I answered and told him I’d ring him back which he got angry about and told me not to hang up which I did anyway! After I’d left the lad I called the friend with benefits back and asked him what he wanted he said he wanted me and asked me how jake was! I’m so confused especially as now he’s not really speaking to me! Tell me should a friend with benefits who has no feelings go to those extremes to ruin my night with somebody else?

  42. @Carla….Yep. Guys are territorial. He might not want more than a sexual relationship with you, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. Double standards apply. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Our advice: Move on. And then think twice about embarking in a FWB in the future.

  43. Cristen // April 9, 2013 at 2:17 pm //

    So this guy who I used to “talk” to and I are doing a friends with benefits thing. He and I are planning to spend a weekend together meeting halfway between our two places. We both seem excited about it.. We text everyday.. letely he has been saying things like “I cant get you out of my head” ” I think you would be so good for me” Appologizing for not being able to talk.. more or less things that a guy who is trying to date or atleast lead a girl on would say. Why would he say these things if he knows he doesnt have to lead me on to have sex with me? We’ve had sex before without the intent of getting back together.. Why is he playing games?

  44. @Cristen……It’s the nature of FWB. There are no rules. There is no definition. It’s the wild west. Who knows why he’s saying it? Maybe that’s something you need to find out the next time you see him. Talk to him AFTER sex not before because you’ll get a clearer answer, not one doped up on hormones. Or talk to him before you even see him if you don’t want to have sex with him w/out some sort of commitment. Either way, the best place to get your answers is with him.

  45. So confused // May 16, 2013 at 11:20 pm //

    So here it goes… About 2 years ago I met this guy and we texted a lot and hung out a few times( making out and stuff but not going all the way) we starting going out for about three months and broke up randomly( I don’t even remember why) we texted randomly here and there. Then in may we started talking again and hung out a few times( having sex) he said after the first time we had sex that we were just friends and we will see what happens. Now it’s almost been a year and I thought we were just friends with benifits bug he texts me almost everyday wanting to hang out or have sex but when we have sex he always wants to cuddle afterwards and sleep over. I don’t get it? Why would he want to sleep over if we r just friends? He gets really mad if I cancel on hanging out now or if I don’t text him back right away. I kinda just want to be friends with benifits and do casual hook ups( him not staying all night after we have sex)
    He also cooked me dinner a few weeks ago which I paid for all the food.
    So confused I need a guys perspective plz!

  46. @SoConfused……It’s just an example of a messy FWB. They all are at some point. Because the lines are blurred. Is it sex? Is it a relationship? Does one person secretly want more? You need to speak to him again and make it clear EXACTLY what you want and don’t want. Boundaries. But our true advice: FWB is a bad idea.

  47. cowabonga // May 21, 2013 at 11:02 am //

    Hi guys, over 2 months ago I met this guy and we had a one night stand, days after that he texted me and we met again. Over the next weeks we’ve gone out over 5 times, I’ve met his friends/roommate, we’ve gone to dinner and we’ve hang out before having sex (and I always stay at his house). The problem is the last times we’ve seen each other I’ve been the one who’ve initiated contact. He does answer me quickly and he always have time to see me (he’s never said no) but he never texts/calls to set up – and weeks can go by. I don’t want a relationship but I guess this FWB thing should have a 50/50 effort (you set up some dates, I set up some). We’ve never had an arrangement (there’s no f*ck buddy, FWB, booty call label) but I did told him that I was not ready for a relationship because I just broke up w my ex. Should I move on? Has he lost interest in me or do you think he’s still interest but is used to me making the first move?

  48. @Cowabonga……Why don’t you let him initiate the next time. See how long it takes him. Then you can determine what you want to do. But this is the nature of FWB. It’s always a bit blurry. Good luck.

  49. I’m not sure if you would define it as FWB? Or if this falls into more of the Booty call category….?
    Long story short, like many others I hooked up with a Fella a few years back. We are more of associates I would say,simply because I don’t know many details about him. He was nice to be around and easy to talk to prior to our little indiscretion the first time it happened. There was/is chemistry, I can say that much. We seem to be drawn to each other. Non the less I took it for what it was-Great sex!
    Fast forwarding about 2 years later here I am. Said fella and I hooked up again a few months back. He only seems to contact me when he wants some. I didn’t mind so much at first because that was what I was looking for at the time. But it get’s a little redundant after text upon text, upon text. I blew him off intentionally a few days back. He got kind of upset about it(understandably). I made a comment out of annoyance that-“I’m sorry, I suppose I’m not a very reliable booty call”. To my surprise he responded by saying-“It’s not just a booty call. We have chemistry. Lots of it.”. Since then I’ve been tossing it around relentlessly in my head-What does THAT mean?! Am I reading into this too much? Do I let bygone’s be bygone’s and ignore this pulling chemistry? He has a reputation at 32 for getting around quite a bit. The only thing he’s said about relationships is he has just had some bad luck in that department.I’m very doubtful of…Anything at this point!
    It was allll fine and great until he pulled the chemistry card on me!
    Any comments or advice are welcomed. Thank you at least for your time.

  50. @Jess…..You’ve described it accurately. You’re a booty call, no matter how he wants to define it. Just because he says you’re more than that doesn’t mean much. Actions not words are the most telling. How often does he contact you? Does he want to take you out? Introduce you to everyone he knows? No. He contacts you when he wants some. This is going nowhere. Sorry. If you’re okay with that, continue on. But we think this is just going to get more confusing and frustrating. Take care.

4 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Dating my ex’s friend: Friends with benefits | The Guy's Perspective
  2. I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me | The Guy's Perspective
  3. Friends with Benefits with my boss? | The Guy's Perspective
  4. The mystery of guys’ feelings; how do you know when a guy wants more? | The Guy's Perspective

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