Hi Guys,
What do you think are the chances of a FWB falling for you? I’ve had a FWB relationship for five years. We talk all the time, argue most of the time, have incredible orgasmic sex, have stood by each other through good and bad times. But we just can’t talk about our feelings. So crazy and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’m not the the kind to pour my heart out to get turned down. After five years if he wanted something more he would have asked hey?
He has said things like we should get married and live in a caravan and have 100 children. Weird and no thanks. But why joke like that? And he has said we argue like a married couple. He has said he loves me and then moments later I’m back to being his best friend ever.
I don’t get it. I can understand that he is not in a position to provide for my child (7) and me. But I’m not asking for that.
I’m 29 and he is 33 by the way. And I have had a relationship during this time and he has slept with other girls. We just always go back to each other.
So any ideas which direction I should take? I don’t want to waste time. But don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed my path.
Cassidy
Dear Cassidy,
Thanks for your question. Please watch our video on this topic. “Friends with Benefits” This will answer most of your general questions about a “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) arrangement.
As far as your specific question, it does seem like if he wanted to take this relationship to the next level he would already have tried, or at least the two of you would be discussing it. But having a five year FWB arrangement has given him no reason to do much else. He’s getting regular good sex with someone he cares about a lot; he has no other responsibilities, no other demands on his time; he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants and he knows you’ll still be there. We don’t see the incentive for him to do much else, at least from his perspective. Do you? (Note: We do think that having a committed relationship is enough incentive for many guys.)
Your daughter may be complicating matters a bit, but it’s not like he’s unaware of her. We know you said you’re not the kind of girl who pours their heart out to a guy, but we do think you need to talk to him about how you feel. You say you don’t want to lose one of the best things that has crossed your path, but what do you really have now? You don’t really have a relationship, you don’t really have this guy? You have semi-regular fun together and that’s it. If you truly want more with this man, then talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, and what you want, and ask him where his head’s at. If he says he’s unsure, or just doesn’t know, then it’s time to move on, because he’s had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. Believe us, he knows even if he doesn’t say it.
This may or may not turn out the way you hope, but at least you’ll have some answers and know you did everything in your power to make things work. And you’ll have no regrets, which is so important.
Good luck. We hope this works out for you. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.
Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebeccas, a memoir.” Start from the beginning with the introduction and read Ch. 1 and Ch. 2. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
THE GUYS
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Booty call or relationship trouble
Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?
I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?
Friends with benefits; why me?
@Danni......This is the problem with FWB. They're confusing. Maybe he's blurring the lines, but until he says to you, "I want to be in a committed relationship with you. Do you want that?" then it's all hormones talking. (Yes, even if he doesn't need to.) It's hormones and foreplay for the next time. Why haven't you discussed this with him? What do you have to lose? As it is, this is going nowhere. He's getting sex so there's no reason for him to do anything else. FYI: Guys can be territorial even if they don't want a relationship. He doesn't want you having sex with anyone else.
Hi guys im so confused and need your help! Ive had a FWB for coming up a year. We meet up every couple of weeks usually at his place. Most recently we hadnt met up for 5 weeks and i get a random txt on sunday night. I had a busy weekend and couldnt meet. He txt me again on the monday eve and then again on tuesday about half 5. I cant answer my phone at work and had 3 messages from him within an hour. I eventually called him and he asked if i wanted to see him that night. I said i would go after work. He then started asking me about what times i start work/finish work and then asked if i wanted to bring my toothbrush. Ive stayed at his a couple of times but only usually if its got late or ive met him after a drunk night. He doesnt usually ask straight out. He works ridiculously early so i didnt really want to stay but thought id go with the flow and took a bottle of wine with me. When i got there he started asking if i wanted anything to eat (somerhing hes never done before) and questioned why i was only having half a glass of wine and not a whole one. I told him i hadnt quite decided if i was going to stay. He had something to eat himself ( i declined) and then we ended up kissing in his living room. He suddenly stopped and asked me when the last time id had sex was and i told him tje last time was with him (and that he could do the maths) he said that he was the same. We kissed again and then he told me i was "perfect" and "i dont want to have sex with anyone else" this took me by surprise abit and didnt really know what to say. I do really like the guy and i do think a part of me wants him to like me as more than a FWB so am i reading too much into this thinking that he likes me more than just this? We ended up in bed as we usually do but then he took me by surprise again and asked me to "make love" to him. I was so shocked i then said that "loves a strong word" he dint really say much and we continued to have sex which was prob the best wed ever had. Again during he then said "praps we should leave it this long again so its as good as this next time." Again i really didnt know what to say so sort of shrugged it off. Sorry its so long but what i want to know really is from the above has this guy just spilled his heart to me and ive unknowingly at the time knocked him back or was he just spinning me lines to gwt me into bed (even tho he shoukd know by now it was a done deal already)? What should i do about it all?
@Jaycee........So we're assuming this is a group of people you've always hung out. (How old are you? Him?) It's difficult to move from the friend zone to a relationship, but in your case even trickier, because you seeing him would completely change the dynamic of the group. And it's likely he's not eager to do that even if he does try to fool around with you. We don't think he's serious about you, although we do think he's attracted to you. Our sense is, the nights he feels loose, or maybe horny, are the nights he hits on you and tries to get you in bed. The other nights when he's feeling more serious, or hasn't had as much drink, or isn't horny, or is interested in some other girl in the group, he ignores you. And the fact that he hasn't asked you out apart from this group tells us he's really only interested in FWB. You can try ignoring him. It might get his attention. But that doesn't mean it will suddenly transform his intentions. Maybe it's time to meet someone outside of this group?
I have a guy friend in my group I've had a crush on for a year. He never indicated he liked me other than a little flirting mixed with intermittent bouts of ignoring me. Our friends told me he liked me. In the last few months we've hooked up (no sex just make outs and a sleepover once). The problem is when he sees me he either is trying to make out w me or not attentive at all, he isnt consistent with his behavior. He's never asked me out on a date. A few months ago I got drunk and slept with another guy friend in the group and he brings it up to me all the time althought he isn't 100% sure it happened he swears I told him i did. I lied to him because I didn't want to ruin my chances with him and since then we have made out but he seems like he only wants to try and get me into bed. Is there any chance of him ever asking me out on a date? Most of our interactions are while we are all out drinking and I don't hold my alcohol well. I've tried flirting with him recently, he even asked me one night while the group was out what I was doing the next day but he never asked me to do anything with him. I'm confused. He doesn't text or call me at all but alternates between being all over me and not paying attention to me at all when I see him, should I give up? Should I try ignoring him? Help!
@Quinn.......Anything is possible of course. Timing often plays a part in relationships. That said, it all depends why he wanted to be FWB. If it was because he didn't see long term potential with you then no. But if it's about timing, then it's possible. So basically we didn't answer your question. Sorry. There really is no answer. Our advice: Move on if possible. There are other guys out there who will be interested from the get go. Take care.
FWB sucks. I met a guy online. Granted his profile said only looking for "friends and activity partners". Anyhow we start chatting and we hit it off great. He's always telling me how awesome I am etc. Whatever. He just got out of a LTR about 5 months ago and clearly isn't interested in a relationship. So I think he was looking for FWB, but that's not what I'm looking for. He wanted to just be friends then, but he knows I like him and I think he's just waiting for my resolve to crumble on the physical part. Plus I'm filling emotional gaps and providing on-demand entertainment when he's lonely. Meanwhile I'm getting attached. So I finally just said 'no thanks'. He knows I want more. I understand he's not at the right place. I'm 99.9% I did the right thing for me. But I can't stop hoping that when he is ready for a relationship he might contact me. Long way of asking...would a guy consider a real realtionship with someone they previously only wanted a FWB with but did not get? Or does the fact that he wanted FWB mean I'm just not relationship material in his eyes at all?
@Ana....If he wanted a serious relationship with you he would have pursued that avenue. The fact that he suggested FWB tells you where you stand with him. That's not going to change. For whatever reason that's how he sees you. Sorry.
Hey, guys! My story goes like this: I have one work colleague that is also my friend and also wants to be my...friend with benefits. I don't get it! I don't know if he is afraid to have some different kind of relationship with me or he just don't want to. We had a discution about what am I to him. He told me that I am a really good friend to him, that shares with me things that he only shares with his 3 best friends and also that he has a reeaally intense and pasionate desire to have sex with me, that he finds me really attractive. But he added that because we are co-workers the situation will be strange to have a relationship because we already spend too much time together and that he can't handle a situation like this.That he doesn't want to hurt me by being friends with benefits either. Also he said that he wants to go to work abroad and that again will be a reason for which he sees a relationship between us as ..difficult.He added that he is not mature and responsible enough to handle such a situation.The discussion with him ended with him telling me that he hopes that this talk won't affect our twisted co-workers-friends...with no sex benefits relationship. I know that he is sincere, but it is kind of difficult for me to understand what he feels for me. Moreover he keeps me there...in the grey area of friends. I am stuck. He is not..he's just happy searching for girlfriends and telling me that he cares for me a lot!
Thanks guys i will try to move on but i will miss my FWB an what we had together because it was the best times of my life.
@Nana....Trust your gut. We think he's playing you as well. But it's up to you to decide. Good luck.
I don't trust him because he keeps contradicting himself with the whole "this is just for fun" thing, while sometimes he is quite clear about it he gets angry if I ask if we stand in a Booty Call situation, and claims that we would not talk so often if it was that. And it's just hard to belive he hasnt found time in a whole month. Besides the fact that he is 27 and I am 21 makes me wonder if I am being played with. Even more, when we've met he has acted strangely sometimes holding hands or kissing my forehead. It consuses me to the point thatI dont know what I want anymore.
@Nana......Why don't you believe him? Has he given you a reason not to trust him? That is, besides the fact that you're in a Booty Call situation which is ripe for this sort of confusion. it's hard to say what's going to happen in this situation, but you need to keep your expectations to a minimum. If he wanted a serious relationship with you it just seems like he would have asked you. What is the age difference? How old are you? Him?
Dear Guys, For three months I've been in a sort of arrangement with a guy, it's not exactly that we are friends with benefits as it is a rather complex to explain. I am a virgin, and he has know from the beggining. As soon as I told him he started being extra careful when we where together, I was surprised that he would wait, as he is older than me and quite experienced. For two months, we met every week or so but last month he suddenly starting talking to me through Whatsapp every night and never mentioning sex or anything related. I freaked out and got angry because he said he was suddenly too busy to see me, something related with his job. We kept talking every night and suddenly we were arguing very often, me complaining about not seeing each other for almost a month, as I told him that if he wasn't interested anymore we could just stop it as it would be better, him about me "pressuring" him. Tired of it all, I sent him a rather blunt text ending it. He promised over and over that we haven't seen each other only because of his job and that this month is going to be diferent but I don't know what to think of him anymore. To make things worse, i think I might be developing feelings fot him even though I am the one who points out every now and then that this is "mainly sex". He has told me several times that he finds it hard to trust women because he ended up getting hurt in his last relationship due to trust issues. Any ideas on what I should expect out of this relationship? Should I trust him when he says it's just because of his job that we haven't seen each other? Should I hint that I might something more?
Dear Guys, For three months I've been in a sort of arrangement with a guy, it's not exactly that we are friends with benefits as it is a rather complex to explain. I am a virgin, and he has know from the beggining. As soon as I told him he started being extra careful when we where together, I was surprised that he would wait, as he is older than me and quite experienced. In spite of not having sex everytime we've seen each other we've masturbated each other, but he is more concentrated on pleasuring me than on getting pleasure himself. For two months, we met every week or so but last month he suddenly starting talking to me through Whatsapp every night and never mentioning sex or anything related, just asknig how was my day, talking about our childhoods or about what we wanted for the future. I freaked out and got angry because he said he was suddenly too busy to see me, something related with his job. We kept talking every night and suddenly we were arguing very often, me complaining about not seeing each other for almost a month, as I told him that if he wasn't interested anymore we could just stop it as it would be better, him about me "pressuring" him. Tired of it all, I sent him a rather blunt text ending it. He promised over and over that we haven't seen each other only because of his job and that this month is going to be diferent but I don't know what to think of him anymore. To make things worse, i think I might be developing feelings fot him even though I am the one who points out every now and then that this is "mainly sex". He has told me several times that he finds it hard to trust women because he ended up getting hurt in his last relationship due to trust issues. I am terrified of him emotionally hurting me. Any ideas on what I should expect out of this relationship? Should I trust him when he says it's just because of his job that we haven't seen each other? Should I hint that I might something more?
@Juliet......Understand that guys are territorial. Even though the very nature of a FWB is open—technically you didn't cheat on him. (Your boyfriend is another matter.) But still, he doesn't want you sleeping with anyone else. So it's likely he feels betrayed and possibly hurt even if he doesn't show it. Try to explain to him that you didn't realize how much you cared about him, and that you're hoping the two of you can start over and work towards a committed relationship. But honestly, it's a long shot. He's probably going to ignore you, or not be interested. Guys our proud. So the best advice we can give you is: Learn from this and move on.
hey i had this FWB for 2 months. we was friends at first for 2 years. while in this FWB i was in a relationship with another person and the both of them did not know..... my boyfirend soon found out that i was cheating on him and my FWB found out that i had a boyfriend..... now my FWB parter do no talk to me any more.... i have a greater amount of feelings for him rather than my boyfriend. i want to become FWB with him again but i do not know how to tell him because he is not talking to me.... i need help.
@Sara......It's the typical confusing stuff that happens with FWB. Sorry, we know that doesn't help, but this is why we don't recommend this sort of thing. Talk to him. Tell him what you want and that you've developed feelings. See where he's at. If he's wishy washy at all, or tells you he isn't sure, or that he needs more time, or freaks out, then you have your answer: MOVE ON.
Hey Guys! So I have this FWB situation that is getting kind of messy. It all started the day of Halloween I was walking down the street with my roommate and she saw people she had class with. One of them I thought was kind of cute so I talked to him. We really hit it off and him and his roommate walked me and my one roommate home. I didn't really think anything of it since I was seeing someone at the time. When January came around I saw this guy at the bars. We made awkward eye contact. I was sitting at the bars with two friends and he walked behind me to buy a drink. I started up a conversation with him and he let me drink his beer. Soon I got pretty drunk and I asked him if he had plans that night. He said no and asked me if I was trying to hang out and I said yes. He said that he would hang out later but he wanted to stay a little longer. When we did leave one of my friends that came with me said that he was hitting on her. I didn't think anything of it because I told him to hook her up with his friend because she thought he was attractive and maybe she just got the wrong impression. She is one of those girls who only dates guys and doesn't believe in FWB. This guy and I took a cab back to my place and did everything but sex. The next day we did have sex. After that, we didn't have sex anymore. Once in a while we would do oral but most of the time we were cuddling and making out about twice a week on the weekends. We did this for three months. Sometimes we would go to my place or his place. We would also talk a lot since we had a lot of things in common such as political orientation, favorite tv shows, need to watch the news and a passion for business. Not so long ago my one friends (the same one who told me she thought he was hitting on her) told me that she and our friend who has been hooking up with my guy's roommate were at his apartment. She said he didn't put any moves on her or buy her get any drinks. Although this isn't too bad, during that time I did text him for a booty call and he told me he was working. I am not upset that my friends were over at his place, I was upset that he lied to me. I started to through him curveballs when he texted me. He invited me to his fraternity's initiation party the weekend after and I went to it with my roommate. I was so upset that I threw him more curveballs there. I was being a bitch about everything until he wanted to talk about it. I was caught, I didn't think he would want to talk about it. So I told him that I caught him lying but he said he didn't lie to me, and yes that my friends were over but he has only been hooking up with me. I am really upset that he lied to be but he said that he likes me and wouldn't invite me if he didn't like me. I really don't know what this all means. After that day he said that he liked what we were doing before and I told him I didn't like it anymore. He questioned if I didn't want him liking me and I responded not this way. Then he wanted to know in what way so I didn't respond. Now he is really insisting we get dinner regardless that I keep telling him I'm busy. He wants to take me to dinner at the restaurant he goes to with his family when they are in town. I thought he was bullshitting but I did see on Facebook that the restaurant is where is goes to with his family. I started to realize that I have way too many emotions for FWB, but I don't know what his game is. What do you Guys think of the situation? Sincerely, Sara
I think I'll just back off for a while, see what happens then. I'm more open to the possibility of other men coming into my life now, so hopefully we'll see. Thank you guys so much, even though it wasnt what i wanted to hear! the truth hurts lol :) you guys rock
@Jo.....Thanks for clarifying about your son. To your question: Yes, you might be grasping at straws. Sorry. The kisses are part of the whole deal....so arrangement will continue. Unfortunately we're going to stick to our original advice. We don't see any of this new info changing anything. What's your plan?
And does it make a difference I he was planning on moving back when he had those gfs? He's decided to stay here permanently. I know I'm grasping at straws here haha
So I'm confused about the kisses then, was he just seeing me as a friend and trying to make me feel better? Or was it to placate me so I wouldn't quit our arrangement? Also, I do want to clarify that he and I have been friends for almost a year before becoming fwbs, that's when he built the relationship with my son.
@Jo.......First of all, thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! To your question: Understand that guys usually know right away what kind of potential they see in a woman. 1. Not interested in any way. 2. Cool girl. Friends. 3. Physically attracted to woman, but not exactly what they're looking for. Turns into FWB or Booty Call. 4. Relationship potential. Honestly, he doesn't seem interested in you the way you're interested in him, otherwise he wouldn't have flown those other women in to be with him. He wouldn't have wasted his time with them when he had something great right in front of him. He didn't do that. He also made the insensitive comment about you being a rookie in bed. He wasn't saying what you think he was saying. He wasn't saying you weren't good in bed. He was confirming that he doesn't feel how he wants to feel about you. He's probably not great with words and that's how it came out. Or, he didn't want to tell you what was really on his mind. We honestly don't see this going anywhere. Sorry. We wish we could say otherwise, but we see a lot of confusion and resentment in the near future if you continue with him. However, the only way to know for sure. (Or as sure as you can be.) You need to have a conversation with this guy ASAP, especially since your son is involved. We don't see this transitioning from the FWB arrangement to a committed relationship, but you never know. We urge you to start talking about all of this. (Your feelings, what you want, what he wants) We're not guaranteeing a great outcome. He may freak out and want nothing to do with you, but at least you'll know what's going on. That's better than uncertainty, isn't it? Another piece of advice: (We know you probably know this) But.... in the future: You might not want to involve your son with guys you’re dating until you know for sure the guy is here to stay. Your son is of course your first priority and his welfare is key. Kids don't do well with people coming in and out of their lives. Good luck. Other questions?
Hey Guys, im really hoping you can help! My brother moved down to texas from oregon with 2 other guys, one happened to be my age exactly. We kinda hung out a little, but i didnt really get to know him. At one point he broke his arm really bad, requiring surgery. Since his other friends (besides my brother) dicked out on him I ended up staying with my brother and him at the hospital so he wouldnt be alone...i didnt know my brother was going to stay. that night we texted for hours, telling eachother so much about ourselves, it was amazing and i began to feel a crush coming on. after he got out of the hospital we were more friendly but still not anything more than casual friends. Well, at one point i had gotten stoop up by a guy i was dating and said to hell with it and had a rowdy (drinking) night with my brother and his friends, including this one guy. We were flirting and i was having a blast. Well, a month later he flies this girl down from oregon he had been talking to. I was not completely devastated, but i was hurt so i stopped talking to him. Then he broke up with the crazy girl and sent her packing. So we kinda started haning out again. We went places together with my son, and he would carry my son around, put him in and take him out of his carseat and such, so for a mom this completely melted my heart. Then he flew another girl down. I once again became hurt and pissed. and basically stopped talking to him for months, besides the occasional chit chat when i was at my moms house (the guys live in a trailer next door). Well he broke up with this girl too and she went back home. He ended up staying here for christmas by himself, his friends went back for a visit. So he hung out with my family and he and i started talking again. we ended up talking about being fwb. and like a moron i agreed, because i just wanted to be with him somehow. When i asked him if he enjoyed it he said it was alright, not the best and he considers me a rookie - oh and he threw in an "not trying to be rude" statement. so that really blew my ego apart and we texted still but it was awkward, and then i got over it because hes amazing in bed. Well after we do have sex he doesnt talk to me as much, but he still kidna does. a couple of weeks ago i told him that this fwb thing wasnt working for me because he was a horrible fwb because he only wanted it when he wanted it, not when i did. well we were at their house and the my brother and the other guy walked out for a minute and he came over and kissed me. not trying for anything more, just a kiss. a few days later the super bowl light thing made us bored so he asked if i would take him to get some food, since he had been drinking. i told him i would and when we were there, he playing shoved a cinnamon roll in my face but the icing was super hot and it burned my lip and i told him so and he just smiled and pulled me close and kissed me - again nothing more. We have talked about what scares us, what we want from life. He decided to stay in texas, and im secretly thrilled...but i dont know if he wants anything more. Hes not a player, he doesnt go for multiple people at one time. He said hes horrible with relationships and is tired of trying for a while. Im not dumb, im aware this could be a line. So, Guys, does he like me, or does he just want sex, even if im just a rookie? And if so, why would he just kiss me trying to make me feel better? HELP! P.S. we are both 24, and he doesnt know that my brother knows about us. i coulndt lie to my brother and my brother said it didnt bother him because we're both adults.
@Katie......It's always best to figure out one situation then deal with the next. You've muddied the waters by having both relationships running concurrently. Our advice: Bag the FWB and figure out what you want to do with your ex. If that doesn't work out, move on. We still don't think this FWB arrangement is going to lead to much. It rarely does.
@Lousie.........There are no guarantees with anything. Yes, it's hard for people to change who they are, but some people mature and grow from their experiences. Others don't of course. Our best advice is to follow your gut. Relationships are all about risk. But better that than regret. But now you're in kind of a no-man's land. We definitely don't recommend a FWB arrangement. All you're doing is trying not to get hurt. That's not how relationships work.
Thanks guys for responding so quick, your great What do I want? I don't know! I can't end my ties with my ex, it's to much to loose, and I don't tell my fwb how involved with my ex because I know morally he wouldn't like it I want his attention,, I want to know why it's so hot and cold with my fwb but he just won't tell me..... I want to keep it as it is, fwb works for me, but I'm just more emotionally involved than I should be. I really enjoy it when it's working well so I guess now he's gone cold again I end up a bit lost, like I said I luv the attention and when we get together the benefits themselves are great ! I really feel a loss without him around which is so dumb, it's not a relationship right ? We never r always behind closed doors . Did I set the standard by turning him away initially ? I have so much baggage as you said and just find it hard that because of it it may be stopping us from being more If my ex finds out about us he will end it for good, I can't have that happen but can't let go of the fwb, fact is I think my fwb is giving me no choice because he's putting a hold on it So is he emotionally involved , he says he is, but sees no long term point to it? Is that what u think ? He says though stopping isn't forever ... I don't get that ... Why does he get so involved then almost freak and run a mile??? Thank you for your perspective it's so confusing
Hi, I don't really know where to start, but i'm 19 now, and i've been on and off with this guy since i'm 15. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together, and yeah, at the time it was only puppy dog love, but now i do have really strong feelings for him. One thing is though, he's cheated on other girlfriends in the past and 1 or 2 of them he's cheated on were with me. yeah, i know, i'm horrible for that. but recently we've been getting along really well again, and we were thinking about getting back together, but one of my biggest concerns is that he'll cheat on me. So we decided the other day to be friends with benefits, which i think is a great idea, because that way, we still get to talk to each other, but not have the commitment thing or me being worried that he's going to lie or cheat, because if its just sex, its just sex.and i'm fine with that. but now talking to him, he's saying he wants more.. he said he doesnt want just a sexual relationship, and that he loves me. i really dont know what to do. I know he does care, and i know he's never cheated on me, but it still doesnt leave my trust for him to be very strong.
@Katie....Don't be so sure your friends have no clue. Anyway, this is a classic case of someone "wishing" he was into it, but knowing he's not. We're not saying he's not attracted to you, but he's not all in with the relationship. It's hard to say why but if we had to speculate we'd say it's likely the age difference and the fact that you have a child, AND that you have an ex. (Many guys want to have their own family, and not begin something complicated.) We can't comment on his sexuality. We'd have to really know him. So the question is: What do you want Katie? Do you want your ex back, or this guy, or something else?
I forgot to mention this has been over a year and a half
I met a guy 9 years younger while going through a separation, I have 1 child Lots of flirting at first , then endless texts till all hours of the night. Nothing sexual at all he just made me happy. Then he asked what I wanted , lied and said to b friends, I had so much happening and not much to offer. Contact eased but I missed his attention and kept perusing out friendship. He was distant but would text back some times. Finally I flirted he shut me down & said nothing would happen while I had so much happening . I bumped into him a few months later and was great to see him, later that night I heard from him, I had told him I was now single . Things got flirty quick and I visited him , we kissed and I went back several times , he then went cold again after asking again what I wanted, scared he'd reject me I said fwb !!! So nothing to heavy happened before again he went cold on me. I have to be clear here although some times he was friendly and great, other times he made contact when it suited, catch ups when it suited him So again it ended The last few months it has started again . This time more intense. We have been the full fwb scenario. I have to say I make contact most this time and recently realised I was far to envolved, contacted him more than he me. But things were going great, I had started to realise he had control, I had feelings and asked if he had any, I wanted to know where I stood , I told him I cared about him but didn't want more than fwb, honestly that's a lie, I just kept saying it. He said he cares to but he to didn't want more . So things have plodded along , I tried to stop texting before he texted me etc but started to feel insecure because he was always doing some thing and felt I obviously wasn't a priority unless it suited. Recently there has been more emotion talk, I know however he was seeing others or at least one person, I have started mending things with my ex and have been honest about this , I should have stopped contact but he's almost become a habit! So things were still good then a week ago he starts not bring so flirty, I'm upfront with him, have always been clear its ok for our arrangement to end. He says yes it's done . Old story says not me, not seeing anyone but done thing has happened & he needs to stop . I was hurt and made that clear, pathetically begging for an explanation . I pulled myself together and realised how silly I was sounding. I stopped texting and trying to work it out. But he's being relentless, telling me he cares , to please not hate him, to understand there's no one else and it's not me, checking up on me to make sure I'm ok. Ringing to make me understand , wanting my support while he sorts his issue out , that its only for now it's got to stop the fwb side. I'm confused, is it a lie , nothing's happening he just wants to end it peacefully ? Is he seeing someone, he's so convincing that's not it, is he struggling with his sexuality ? He says what he's going through no one but me knows done things up.... He's always been more fond of the before sex rather than the act itself... It makes me wonder My gut says he's just not into me any more cause u tend to get clingy, we have a joke about that and he says its funny he knows what I'm like and it's just me If it's the above why does he keep trying so hard to tell me this isn't what he wants , being it to end, it's what he has to do for now? He won't tell me specifically what the go is!! Please give me your opinions... He's always thought we can't work because of our age difference and we have slot of mutual friends that don't have a clue this is going on with us Help!!!!!
@Trixie.........That sounds like a positive relationship. It's impressive that the two of you were able to work things out so amicably. Keep us posted on how things unfold, or come back and ask another question anytime. Thanks for sharing our site. Take care.
LOL, he does know me well and he should we were together for almost 15 years. But no, no chance of reconciliation. We own a business together, it's very successful so we didn't want to lose it, we are involved with one another daily, either business or children related. working out our differences was essential. As well as our business I'm also Involved in large commercial real estate and the O&M of large public facilities, we rely on one another a lot to b successful in what we do...it ends there.
@Trixie.....It sounds like you've got a solid course of action. So you're friends with your ex? He seems like he knows you well. Any chance of reconciliation since you're already friends? Just curious. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. And ask as many questions as you'd like. Take care. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Also help a fellow reader. Take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.
I believe your right..he's a long-term project and at this point it's him that needs to do the work...not me. He called after I sent last post - we had plans to go sleddin (I'm a huge fan of ski-dooing!). He knows I made other plans and he called to ask with who...after finding out its a guy he asks if we want to go with them...not something he would normally do at all. I declined and explained that we can remain best friends but the physical side of things needs to stop permanently and immediately. He didn't say a word. I tried to explain that I'm less of a friend when clouded by emotions and that's what the situation is doing. Impeding my judgement, allowing bias to creep into our friendship...he hung up on me. My ex husband and I are great friends, I'm lucky that way. He sees sad when he looks at me he said...that's NOT me. Am always smiling, can make new friend standing in a line...that bothers me. He told me that I love hard and give all of me..he's right. But he also said its often wasted on the wrong people because I'm a "fixer", lol. That is what this is. He said there will b a ton of guys that don't deserve me (might b some of his own regrets talking there, huh). I'm going to leave it where it is and hope for the best whether with him or anyone else...I think I have a plan.
@Trixie......We're not sure he's ready for clarification, or for any sort of epiphany. We can hope. Sure he might miss you, but it's also likely he'll fall into his same old behavioral pattern. We like your idea of exploring other options, or at least trying to be open to other/new possibilities. Like we said, he's a long-term project. Who knows if/when he'll get his act together. You certainly don't want to be kept in a holding pattern while he galavants with his exes. You sound like an interesting woman with a lot going for her, we're sure there are a ton of guys that would be interested. (You probably know that) What do you think? What's your plan of action?
...and there-in lies the problem, lol. He is a selfish person, I've told him that many times. Part of the problem is when I told him I'm choosing not to play by just his 'rules' anymore. It appears ex-girlfriends are either standing in my way or me theirs... He will not volunteer information but will tell you if you str8 out ask..I did ask if he's slept with her, was told no..I believe. He has never lied, or I've never caught him lying, to me before. She's a reason to not commit but I believe once he 'resolves' the 'issues' with her...there will be someone or something else..seems there always is. I handle a REASON, I can't handle excuses. I'm successful, confident, educated, attractive woman and know what I bring to the table, have passed up many opportunities to c where this goes and it's gone nowhere...I wonder what I've missed out on.... He wastes a lot of time chasing ghosts. I'm thinking maybe some time and distance, maybe if he misses me it will clarify for him how he does/does not feel about me and maybe he'll have some major epiphany. Yes? In the interim maybe I should entertain the idea of exploring other options that may lend some clarity about what im looking for or need too?may
@Trixie....Okay, thanks for filling us in. We get the sense that this guy has a long way to go until he's ready to be in a committed relationship. Or rather, we get the sense that he's not really even sure what a committed relationship "looks like." He definitely cares for you, but he's not willing to give up everything else to be with you. This is a sign of someone who's either: Immature, selfish, or misinformed. Sure, we're all for friendships outside the primary relationship, but not when those relationships pose a threat to the primary one. Hanging out with ex-girlfriends is not really okay, unless it's clearly established that the relationship is platonic. How does that look? What does that mean? It means your boyfriend and his ex would go out of their way to make it obvious and clear that nothing is going on. He's not doing that. She's not doing that. And frankly, the blame falls on him, not her. He's the one that needs to set the tone and make sure the boundaries are clear. Bottom Line: This guy is a long-term project. How do you feel about that? Is that something you want to commit your emotional energy to? Is he worth it? He might be a great guy in a lot of ways, but if you can't rely on him, or can't trust him, you don't have much of a relationship. Your thoughts?
He has never been married, a year since breaking up with girlfriend. I am divorced just over a year. He dated the gurl who's house he went to years ago. Of course I'm not sure nothing is going on, it's y I'm trying to sort out what's going on, lol.
@Trixie........We're still trying to gather a bit more information. So last clarification: How long has he been divorced? You say you've both been single for a year, but is that a year broken up from your prospective spouses or is that a year broken up from boyfriend/girlfriends? (We're just trying to figure out where all these ex-girlfriends are coming from? Finally: Are you sure nothing is going on between your guy and his ex-girlfriends? It sure seems like he's hung up on at least one of them still. Let us know and we'll get back to you.
I'm 40, he is 39...both of us have been single for more than a year. And your right..I don't ever hear won't commit...I hear 'I'm ready' and a week or two later I hear I'm not. I 'can't' offer you more than this right now... He deals with issues with one ex girlfriend..ready. 3 weeks later another ex-girlfriend appears and he's talking to her..it's messing him up he says. He's at her house tonight actually...she just a friend, we have lots of history he says but he slept with me 2 days ago. Have met his family, went to his sisters wedding....I have no idea what this guy wants or needs. He's cried and told me things nobody else knows, we've dealt with some very hard familial issues...we are best friends already. It's great he's getting what he needs from this but I'm doubting his motives and am beginning to feel like the 'back-up' girl. He'll do it again, guaranteed. The second he feels I have one foot out the door he'll b ready. I didn't speak to him for a week and he finally just came by...hugged me for 10 minutes..told me how much he missed me, spent the night. That was 2 days ago...today he's at her house (he told me he was going). I asked him if hes hoping to reconcile with her, he says he doesnt know. not ready to commit to me BUT is thinking of reconciling (they have not dated in years!). I told him yesterday when this came out that I need to be done and have not said a word to him since...either has he. I think I should stick to my guns this time and c what he does...
@Alyse......How old are you? First of all, we can't help you if you're not going to help yourself. He should NOT be calling you any names, and you should not be putting up with it. You deserve to have someone who respects you and loves you. This guy is not the guy. He's a player, and he's playing you. Although in his defense, he said he didn't have feelings for you and you decided to move forward anyway. We think you need to stop all sex with this guy and move on. This is only going to get worse. We're sorry, but we're just trying to look out for you. Your thoughts? Ask another question anytime. Or as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Or on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Also, take the time to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.
uhmmm hey. so i have been seeing this guy for about 4 1/2 months. i know not very long. well for the first two weeks we were talking like we were going to date, and we did go on ONE date. a couple days after the date he told me he just wanted to be friends. well i didnt want to be just his friend so I suggested that we be friends with benefits. well ever since then we have had sex multiple times, but we also fight alot. he claims he has no feelings for me what so ever, but recently we got into an arguement because he told me he had sex with a girl i dont like at all. she used to be my friend until she tried to frame me for writting stuff on a bathroom wall. well i had introduced them.. he told me yesterday night. at first i was dissapointed and i dont like talking about my feelings, i have only told him i liked him once. when he told me about having sex with her he kept saying i need to "tell him the truth" i was confused on what he meant and i asked him and he said he wants me to tell him my "real feelings and that i need to stop hiding them" i REALLY care about this guy, but he broke my trust. and i dont know how he feels because he is always claiming that he doesnt care for me other then a person, but now he is asking about my feelings? i have also heard from other people that i am not the only girl he is messing around with. last night i went and picked up some clothes that i left at his house, when i left and before i saw him he called me an easy whore. i dont know what to do.. i know i should just move on cause of the bad names he called me, but in the end i still care. help?
@Trixie......You're asking a lot of different questions, and expressing a bunch of concerns. Questions for you: How long has he been divorced? Or separated from the mother of his child? And how old are both of you? We need that information before we answer your main question: Why he might not be ready to commit? As per the sex. Can't and won't are two very different things. Can't means there are underlying issues going on. Won't means he wants to leave feeling "high." When a guy doesn't finish he leaves feeling horny, which is a great feeling. (That's what tantric sex is based on.) If you took a survey of guys, many would say that as long as their woman was "satisfied" the sex was "successful." Younger guys are more into making sure they get theirs. Older guys—guys in their early 30s and up—are more focused on their woman. (They can always get off on their own.) So that's where that's coming from. (No pun intended) Why he's decided to orgasm inside you now seems part of your initial question. Fill us in some more–another non-intended pun—and we'll offer some more opinions. Thoughts?
I met a guy on a dating website almost 7 months ago...we get along great, the sex is amazing, and we have a ton of stuff in common. We do a lot together (both sports fans) so hockey games, football games, cooking each other dinners, snowmobiling, movies, glasses of wine on the deck, etc. We're both confident, crazy people and we have a LOT of fun being goofy together (he asked me to put on lingerie...I obliged on the condition he wore one of my skirts for as long as I had it on...he did and we sat for the rest of night on the deck that way, lol) He has a daughter and I have a son...we have both met and been involved with each others children. I've met his friends and we've even gone and done stuff with them. Due to his job he isn't available a lot so we juggle to make that work as best we can. Here's the problem, he's told me in the past he's ready for a relationship then it seems he gets cold feet and retracts his words, almost like the word girlfriend is scary. A few weeks later he'll do the same thing...tell me he's ready then out of the blue hes not...however we still talk, we still sleep together, we still do all the things we've done, nothing changes. I've walked away from another great guy TWICE to have a relationship with this guy only to find out that its never what he says it is. He says hes looking for a best friend, not a girlfriend, hes not ready to date, I point out that girlfriend is a title only and that we are always friends first, but that I don't understand why this needs to be labelled and things should just be left as is, we're both content with our arrangement. However, having said that, i would like to solidify what this is. I've told him that if hes not ready to date the physical part of our relationship should end and hes says hes fine with that but then he'll ask me over and while I'm there he'll ask me to stay the night with him, he even produced a new toothbrush for me last time I stayed there (a week ago)...or like last night...lets have a drink and he'll stay with me. We do very intimate things, not things you do with a one night stands...full body massages where we'll fall asleep beside each other after the one getting massaged falls asleep, entwined on the couch just chatting, i took a lap dance/stripping class so we have "date" nights for "practicing", lol. He knows I have feelings for him and that to continue sleeping with him is a bad idea in my mind...but he continues to let that happen knowing how I feel, knowing that i won't be the one to say no and knowing what the end result will be (generally us disagreeing on what to call the situation). Another interesting change is that up until just a few weeks ago he wouldn't orgasm during sex claiming that as long as I did he was fine, WHAT? And we would find another way to finish what was started, and we always did. When I questioned him on this he didn't have an answer as to why he wouldn't, not couldn't, wouldn't. Now though for some reason he is more than willing to orgasm...not just orgasm...but inside me. This is a BIG change in our dynamics and didn't go without notice obviously...I don't understand what could have changed in his head that this would now be acceptable when it wasn't for such a long time....I think its a bigger deal then what I originally thought it to be...it means something to him to be doing it. But I almost feel like he marks his territory. I should note that the other guy that I walked away from hasn't been in the picture for a very long time so he should feel no need to compete or feel that I am on the verge of walking away for someone else. I have told him many times that I'm not looking. I also don't believe he is seeing anyone else - with his work schedule and how much time we spend together I don't thing that would even be possible without being noticed. A guy lends a unique perspective on guys, which obviously i don't have....what the hell is going on.....I don't feel like I'm getting played..I think he's had some bad experiences and is gun shy...maybe time to shit or get off the pot?
@LInda.....Sorry for our delay in responding. Yesterday, Sunday, we took the day off. To your question: We're sorry this is so hard. He was hurtful and inconsiderate. But clarify something for us? Did he sleep with your sister recently—she's married right?—or was this something that happened in the past? Either way, he might be a nice guy, but to say something like that, to you of all people considering she's your sister, is beyond inconsiderate. It's downright disrespectful and for us, that pretty much seals the deal here. We think you made the right decision. Your thoughts? (Answer our question if you could) And ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
I recently saw a guy at school I had hooked up with when I was 19, I am now 26 and we started talking. He is going through a divorce right now and has a 2 year old daughter. He said he didn't want a relationship right now which is understandable. I'm not exactly looking for one either. We decided to do the whole friends with benefits thing. I was unsure at first but I really didn't think I would develop feelings for him, as I have done the casual hooking up thing before and been fine. Well not so this time, I actually had a lot of fun with him, we went to a baseball game, went to a few movies, which he paid for. He took me out to lunch. We would talk about personal things and just have fun. The best part, the sex was mind blowing. I could deal with having feelings for him as I do understand where he is at. Took me two years to get over my ex. I didn't want to push anything, which I know is selling myself short but really am not interested in a relationship at the moment. Anyways everything was all good, he even spent the night and cuddled with no sex. We wouldn't talk everyday or anything which is ok by me. I just started school and I'm busy. Anyways he had met my older sister who is 12 years older than I am, married with kids. This was an accidental meet. Anyways we were talking and getting personal and he had opened up to me about something and I was about to tell him I know how he feels about what he told me because my ex told me that if he hadn't met me he would have tried to have sex with my sister. Which sucked and hurt! But before I told him that we had gotten on the convo about my sister, I was saying how it was crazy she is 38 and still looks good. And all the sudden he pops out, yeah I'd F*** her. Pretty much I got upset. He tried talking to me about it and I wouldn't have it. And apparently I interrupted him and he told me to shut up till he was done talking. We ended up leaving on a semi ok note. But the more I got to thinking about it the more I thought that the whole situation sucks and that was a rude disrespectful thing to say to me whether we are dating or not. I had also made it very clear that if he was messing around with other people I did not want to know about, so what would make him think I would want to hear that comment. It is a deep routed hurt from me after hearing the same thing from my ex. I am on the heavy side as my sister is super thin and just made me feel like crap. I told him that this friendship has ran its course and it was a disrespectful comment and I didn't want to talk to him anymore. This really sucks for several reasons, the sex was great but I am OCD and would be constantly thinking about what he said if we had sex again and I really did enjoy being around him. First guy I've actually been excited about since I broke up with my ex almost 3 years ago. I know I made the right choice but I do feel like I am second guessing myself and need a guys opinion. He is a good guy and probably wasn't thinking. I already know that pretty much every girl a guy sees he thinks about having sex with them but to say it out loud to someone you are having sex with and suppose to be friends with really hurts and sucks. I have been in several bad relationships and am really trying to better myself. It really sucks that he had to say that, seemed like we were getting a good friendship going. Part of me wants to forgive him, if he would even consider talking to me again but the other part who is trying to do better for myself wants to just leave my decision as is, not talking to him anymore. I feel I don't deserve to be treated or talked to like that. I am really confused. It really sucks that it hurts too. I'm not one to get attached easily and am able to get over things fairly easy if I hadn't spent much time on a person. We only were hanging out for 2 1/2 months but this way sucks! Thanks for reading this. Any advice would be helpful.
[...] him for who held receptions aren’t there. You just might find “the one. Don’t try to give him praise you to drape the engagement [...]
@Kimberley.....Ok, well take care. We're glad you're going to talk to him. ps. Good to know. Thanks.
ya i understand that, but ya i think i'll have to talk to him about it.... but thanks anyways. p.s one of my friends told me to come onto here XD
@Kimberly....Don't assume we're going to say you have a lot of time...blah, blah. We get it. Strong connections can happen at any time. And not everyone in this forum has been older. A lot of people in their late teens, early 20s have asked the same question. Throughout our site. (At least similar to yours'.) What were saying though, is, the two of you want different things. You're hanging on because you still want to be close to him, and hope that maybe things might change to something more serious—we know you're not looking to get married. And he's hanging on because he doesn't want to let you go and he enjoys being intimate with you. It just seems like the two of you are looking at this from opposite ends of the spectrum. Right now it's working for both of you, but if this continues, we just don't see you being happy and content with the situation. And he'll continue as long as you're willing. So much of how this goes will be up to you. If that makes any sense. We hope this helps you at least understand where he's coming from. Take care and good luck. Keep us posted and ask another question anytime. We hope things work out for you. ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
i have read some of the others but there more, idk not really what I'm going through, or what i can relate to. also they are about older women and guys, I'm still young, just getting out of high school. i know you will say well you still have a lot of time and blah blah blah XD i have heard that all before. but i dunno i really like this guy and i hate it but i do, im not looking to marry him or anything like that, im not even ready for that. i just dont really know how to tell him i want to be in a relationship not what ever it is we are, i have to many feelings for him to be the way we are. I guess im just looking into what i should expect. and i dont want to mess anything up, its not the sex, its the whole talking thing, i missed that when we were together, i just dont want to lose him from my life if anything i would still want to be friends but even he said it was weird to just be friends.
@Kimberley.......Have you read some of the other questions/responses? Your situation is why we don't recommend FWB. The arrangement is ripe for confusion. (Check out our video on the topic. Video Page) He's being territorial. He may want to have an exclusive FWB with you but if he's saying he doesn't want a relationship then he doesn't want one. Cuddling is all part of it, because FWB is an easy way to get a lot of needs met without any sort of commitment. It's not just about sex for guys, but it's also about filling the need for a connection with a woman. And frankly it's a perfect situation for some guys. They can get what they need, and then go off an do whatever they want until they feel the urge the next time. That's what's going on here. So if you're in it hoping he'll change you might need to rethink this. Your thoughts? What are you afraid to mess up? We're not sure what you mean. That you won't be able to have sex with him again? (Watch the video and read some of the other questions/responses. We think it will help give you some more perspective.) Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like.
Well my problem isn’t much different then anyone else’s I guess. Me and my ex have been hooking up for the past month, I told him the first time that if we do this I will get feelings towards him and he said "That’s fine" (Something along those lines) so that’s how it started. A week later he sort of cheated, I wouldn’t really say that cause we aren’t "Together" so I talked to him about it and so on. I sat him down and told him that what he did had hurt me deeply and that I like him, and then I asked what he wanted me to do. He said "I don’t know, you’re mad at me." But I said "No I’m just disappointed that you would do that and I’m hurt because you know how I felt." we never came up with a solution and he told me he hated leaving it the way it was left. After a few days he came over and he said he wanted to be more then friends with just me and that he doesn’t want to hook up with another girl, just me. And so fair that’s what has been happening, but you see my problem is he keeps saying he doesn’t want a relationship. So does he really actually like me because it’s like he keeps leading me on to believe that, or does he just want the sex? And the other day we just cuddled till 2PM, I don’t feel that, that is something friends with benefits do. But I’m just really scared to say anything to him because I don’t want to mess anything up and if I do say anything I’m not sure how I would say it?
@Liz.......Glad we could help you process. Now you need to process with him. Definitely keep us posted. And ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And thanks for sharing our site with friends!
I know right! It's erratic and somewhat confusing. My gut tells me the man has a lot of feelings for me but is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. It also tells me that I need to talk to him rationally and let him know how I am feeling. I do not think he is using me, but can't see past his own fears and stuff in his head. Thanks heaps guys...I think you and I are sorta on the same page. I just have to "man up" and talk to him....eeeek! Thanks again
@Liz......Well, not only is that erratic behavior, it's kind of odd. Cutting you out for a month, but then letting you talk to his daughter?? We're confused now. But ultimately you need to trust your gut on this one. If he freaks out when you talk to him, wouldn't that give you your answer? And if he doesn't, then that will be a nice start to building a more solid foundation. Don't you think? Overall, this just seems like a project, one that may never come to fruition. What are you getting out of it? Just be careful not to compromise everything to be with this guy—or anyone for that matter.
Thanks guys. It's my thoughts too. But as you can imagine it does come with a lot of hurt, but also a lot of happiness. But me feeling was also that as soon as it feels like its getting serious he runs...and runs fast. But always comes back. I want to talk to him however there are 2 things that stop me: 1. I am afraid if I do he will run as he might not be ready. But then one could say if he isn't ready...when will he be. That being said he is personally making some moves. Eg finally after 3 years he bought a house (this was a big deal for him commitment wise). 2. When I do bring up things...eg him not speaking to me for a month and deleting me from Facebook for no reason,,,he can't tell me why he did it. He incorporates me into his daughters life. She knows me well, and loves me very much. And vice versa. He is not the type to just let anyone into her life. In fact in the month he didn't speak to me he let her call me on loud speaker whilst he was in the background.
@Liz.......We think he's confused about what he wants. Obviously he hasn't healed from all the difficulties of his marriage and the subsequent divorce. Also, when guys get divorced, typically, the last thing on their mind is a serious relationship. And this would explain his erratic behavior. Anytime there's any "suggestion" of things becoming serious between you two, he immediately pulls back. But the fact that he keeps coming back tells us he knows the two of you have a great connection. So there you have it. Part of him wants to be with you, the other part of him feels the need to be free and single and unencumbered. This may take some time to get to a place you're happy with. Have you talked to him about any of your concerns? Or are you afraid to do that?
Hey Guys, So I have been in what I call a complicated situation for 2 years with a guy...who I am in love with. He is a very good friend of my brother. We dated initially for about 3 months, but I ended it as he was not in any way ready for a relationship. (His ex wife and mother of his child cheated on him). After that we didn't speak for 3 months. I then moved closer to where he lived, and we ended up spending a lot of time together (coffee, dinner, lunch, hanging out at each others place). Eventually this moved to us fooling around again as well, we did not have actual sex. Since then this has continued, I bought a house nearly a year ago and he painted it (over a period of 2 months). However when something big happens he goes cold - eg on New Years, I had an accident. The next day he bought me a whole range of pain killers, breakfast, lunch, dinner and stayed with me all day...then didn't speak to me for a week. This is just one example. More recently his daughter referred to me as his girlfriend and said that he loved me. I stayed at his house a few nights after that. We went out with my brother and a friend one night. Apparently they were telling him him he shou dance with me. He then didn't speak to me for a month and deleted me from Facebook. We then got back in touch and he told me about my brother and friend. About 3 weeks ago we finally had sex for the first time. He was slightly drunk. Yes, it has taken us 2 years to do this. I am thinking the alcohol and performance anxiety came into play. We still do dinner, coffee, hanging out etc...we talk about everything but feelings. Yes, I am bad at talking about feelings. His best friends are my friends, they know I have feelings for him and do not think e is usig me, but do think I need to talk to him...but I'm a chicken, he is one of my best friends and I don't want to lose him. But what do you guys think?
@Valerie.....That's a fine amount of time. Maybe he'll even initiate before then. But we think you're plan is sound. Good luck and keep us posted. And ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Or share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, or wherever. Also, THE GUYS do accept donations to satisfied "customers." No pressure of course—we're seriously happy to answer as many questions as you'd like to ask— but if you'd like to, no donation is too small or too large. Use PayPal button on right side of any page on our site. Take care.
Thank you guys for your insight on my situation..... My plans, well he and I had a discussion on yesterday after taking me to dinner. And yes, he admitted to being bruised, ego I'm guessing, from his ex-wife initiated the divorce.... He stated that he is going through some things and apologized for not communicating with me so I wouldn't take it personal. I was able to talk to him about where he and I are and how we were going to proceed.... We're dropping being intimate with one another until he works through some things and we will continue to go out with one another. He says that he's not talking to anyone else, but that isn't going to stop me from continuing to go out with other guys. After communicating with him today, he seems a little less uptight. He's called on and off all day, which was shocking because I thought we would talk a little less now. I don't want to walk away, because I do feel that he's a good guy and I may b wrong, but I don't think it will be as bad if we're not intimate. Therefore, if meet someone else, hopefully I won't be emotionally tied to Ryan. Maybe I'll give it all a month or so and if nothing is different, I'll let go. Or would sooner be better?
@Ihaveacrush......Well definitely keep us posted. You could always reach out to him casually to start the contact again, and then let him take it from there. Thanks for letting your friends know. Hey, no pressure, but if you'd like to donate to THE GUYS, no donation is too small or too big. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site. Take care.
Thank you guys, I would say my ex from that time and Jacob were very good friends, but not "best" friends. Jacob's best friends were the ones who would say he actually liked me. I would like to contact him, but I do get a little afraid... I definitely wouldn't try to "initiate" things sexually or anything like that (back then he was the one who initiated everything too, I only did the initial contact by adding him on myspace). If I contact him I would try to simply be friendly at first. Thank you again guys, you are the best and I will definitely recommend your site to all of my girlfriends!
@Ihaveacrush.....Question: Are your ex and "Jacob" close friends? Or rather, how close are they? Because that could certainly factor into the equation. Many guys hate dating girls their friends have gone out with. Translation: Many guys hate dating girls their friends have had sex with. Their egos have a hard time with this. It's just the way we're wired. So yes, he could have liked you the whole time but felt weird. However there's one caveat. Sometimes a guy will try to get past that if they're completely in love with the woman. (That's only sometimes.) It's hard to gauge "Jacob's" level of interest, but it sure sounds like he was interested in you. Are you thinking of reaching out to him? One thing to note: Once you reach out to him it should be him initiating. If he doesn't do that, or if he's communication is inconsistent and shoddy, it's time to forget it and move on. So what's your plan? ps. Please let your friend know about our site. And share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus, etc. We'd appreciate it. Thanks.
a few years ago I had an ex (only for a few months) and I met his friend and instantly liked him (I'll call him Jacob). I never approached Jacob because I respected my ex, but after the break up my ex got a new girl right away and after only a couple of months I ran into Jacob and added him on myspace. We went out, and were some sort of friends with benefits. We had some common acquaintances, and although he never invited me out with his friends, I saw them at some events and they would tell me that he did like me but he was just confused about me because I had dated one of his friends. We never actually had sex, but we had a couple of chances, but it just never happened... and at one point it was almost happening, we were naked, kissing, touching, but he didn't have a condom... he asked me "should I go buy one?" and I only looked at him without saying anything and he just gave me this semi-hug and said it was okay. I actually felt respected, but very confused because he always acted so distant with me and like he didn't care about me. He never went out of his way for me I guess; but yet he texted me when it was valentine's day (but forgot my birthday a few days before). I don't know, it was very weird and it went on like that for like 9 months until I got a boyfriend. Now I'm breaking up with my boyfriend and I never really stopped liking Jacob, but I don't know if he really liked me. I would like to contact him again, but I don't know if I should, maybe he never really liked me, or if he did he might not like me anymore. Do you think he liked me when we were hooking up and was actually just worry about his friendship with my ex? Or was that just b.s. since my ex already had a girlfriend? Do you think it is even wise to try and contact him again?
@Valerie....Clearly Ryan has not fully processed his divorce. He may know he needs to move on, but he likely has lingering feelings that are factoring into your situation. Also, his final split was only a few months ago. Most guys aren't interested in jumping back into a full time relationship after they get divorced. It's about the last thing they want. So that is factoring into this equation as well. Basically, we see a lot of this as a timing issue. That doesn't mean things will be great six months from now; we doubt he'll be ready to get serious with anyone for a long time. He may think you're great, and wish he was ready, but he's not. All the signs point to this. Dialing back the communication, more strain in conversation, things just a little bit harder, him not expressing how he feels, etc. So we think you need to pull back, date some other people, and possibly even move on. As for him: It's hard to say whether he's met someone else. Maybe. But understand he's not looking for someone better necessarily. He just wants to go out and have fun, preferably with as many women as he feels like. (That's normal unfortunately. For divorced guys.) So with this information, what's your plan?
Hello Guys, I recently decided a few months ago to explore online dating. I met Ryan on the first day that I was online. We exchanged numbers and played cat and mouse for a few days and then we finally had the opportunity to communicate. He was actually going out of town and we talked while he drove to and from his destination and while he was there. We talked about a variety of things. Overall I felt as though he was in good mental health and we talked about our online dating experiences and how he was doing with him dating. He disclosed that he had met one other young lady and that she was not in town at the moment. A little background on Ryan… His divorce of 12 years was final in April of this year and he was not the initiator of the situation. They have one child and there is a lot of distance between him and his child now. We met at a restaurant and had a great time together so we decided to go sit in a park and listen to music and talk further. In which, he is not always the most talkative person, but we did have conversation. We parted ways at about 1am in the morning and he had to drive a bit. From that night on he would text in the morning and throughout the day, call on his breaks to share funny stories, update me on what he was doing and planning dates in advance. If he was going to be near my town he would make sure that he was going to see me, even if it was for a few minutes. There was not anything that he would not actually share with me. I knew about most of his unfinished business with his ex and he would often ask my opinion on a few things. We attended his church together, but he was very nervous. He even shared his bedroom issues. He talked about my parents and his parents and he told his mom about me. He would come over we would kiss, hug and touch each other. He would sleep over at my house and I would sleep over at his. Our outings were great being that he was raised well in the area of how to treat a lady. I got daily I miss yous and hour and half calls. He would make jokes about us being intimate, I was holding out for two reasons, but I only shared one with him. Then it happened! It was a little over a month and it happened, quickly, but it did. Anyway I tried assuring him that I understood and that everything was okay, but he was embarrassed by his performance (it’s much better now though). He still called and texted the same for a while after that then I began to notice changes. I would text and he got to the point to where he would not respond much. Phone calls began to slack up and the mention of dates as well, along with me not knowing as much. Now I know there was an issue with him getting on the same page as his ex to get his child, and some other loose ends that they were tying up, so I tried being supportive. He appeared to get aggravated easily and we began to argue. So I tried talking to him about it, and what I was feeling (a word that I know guys don’t like), but I did, because we all have issues, we’re adults. I suggested that we not be intimate anymore and he sulked. That lasted for two weeks and he was great again. Then we had to “talk” again and that’s when he said that he was not ready for a relationship and I told him that I would date other people. He looked sad and said that he did not like the idea, and wanted to know if I would tell him when I did. I have gone out, but I have not told him because I will not be intimate with anyone else. I began missing phone calls so I would not appear too available to him, and he got a little upset. He and I have continued to do our thing as well, but there is a strain. It seems that he regresses more and more every day. So I don’t send cute text messages or call as much or act as concerned as I use to. This brings us to present day. We talk maybe 4 times a day now and it brief with a lot of pauses and silence. We still go out, but I initiate most everything now. I am more attached to him (go figure) and I get strange vibes sometimes. He still claims that he “likes me a lot”, but I am so conflicted, especially when he acts the way he does. The last time we were intimate he felt it was crucial that I agreed that I would not flip out on him in the future. Should I just go ahead and run for the hills, because he is just a polite player? Or should I try and understand some of the things that he is going through. Should we completely cut out the sex, since he appears more detached now? Or should I just let it go? Is he tired of me and won’t say it and is waiting on me to go away on my own? Has he met someone else (he says he hasn’t)? Is it a chance for us to have a real longterm relationship? I am curious to know what you guys think about this all and what Ryan has going on in his head. Sorry for writing so much, but I wanted to try to paint the picture the best I could. Valerie
@Vanessa.....Thanks for reading. First of all, stop thinking of this as a confrontation. You need to have a discussion that's all. It doesn't sound like you're at the point of demanding anything, you're just looking to see where his head's at, and if the two of you are on the same page at all. We imagine if you learn that he doesn't want what you want, well, then down the road you might need to have a confrontation. But for now, just ease into it. Questions for you: Do you two ever go out and do anything besides hang out and hook up? Does he ask you on proper dates ever? You see cuddling's all well and good, but it's still a natural part of hooking up. We're asking because we're trying to gauge his interest. Yes, we understand that dating with kids is always tricky. But the thing is, when a guy is way into a woman, he wants the world to know he's with her. He wants to introduce her to his friends and family, and infuse her into his life. But divorced guys are often not looking for any sort of serious relationship, at least for a while. They are usually looking to make up for "lost time" by having fun and dating around. (Translation: Having lots of sex) So it's likely he's still at that stage. So how long has he been separated or divorced? Was the split amicable? Is dealing with his ex stressful for him? Fill us in a little more and we'll answer in more detail. In general, having a conversation shouldn't freak him out. But if he sniffs you're getting too attached and he's not ready for something serious, it might freak him out. Let us know your thoughts and answer some of our questions. Thanks.
Hey guys, Ive been talking to this guy for nearly 2 1/2 years already, we randomly hook up and never really talked about the whole being FWB ( kind of relationship) I really dont what we consider ourselves, I get that text that he wants to see me so i naturally go over and we hang out. The thing is that this has been going on since i met him none of us have ever mentioned what we want. We have a good relationship though the sex is amazing and hot. Hes a sweet heart and the thing that i dont understand to see what he wants because hes never really mentioned it to me, we cuddle and hang out other then the hooking up, ive even spend the night a few times when he tells me to spend the night plenty of times. He use to be in a very committed relationship has 2 daughters with that person, but he tells me he will never get back with her. So i dont know if i should bring up how i feel about him. Im actually starting to feel like im starting to like him. I just dont want to bring up that situation up maybe because i dont want anything to change between us. You could say i dont want the sex, and our relationship to ever change but If i had the chance I would definately be his girlfriend. I have a 6 year old son as well, so i dont know if hes a little antsy about both of us having kids not sure. He has even told me to move in with him " as a roomate: though and that would give us more time to get it on. Not sure if he was really playing around of being serious but hes made a few comments like that. Not sure if i should ever bring up it up or just leave it and see if he ever brings it up. Im just worried i will probably lose a great guy, that i actually care for. Please help I have read most of your blogs and replies and i kind of have a feeling I do need to confront him sooner then later. :( which im really worried about.
@Florida....We support that decision. It's a wise one. Glad we could help. Keep in touch and come back any time to ask a question or just browse for info. And once, please spread the word about our site on Facebook, or wherever. We appreciate it. Take care.
Guys, He was playing everyone. After I talked to the ex I decided that it was pretty obvious this arrangement is not really what I wanted and decided to end it before he could hurt me. Thanks for all your help. :)
@Tashu....So what are you asking? If he loves you too? Or why he only wants to be friends?
Ilove a guy he is 25and I am 21he cares me ilove him very much bt he is not we having relationship alll do bt with the name of frndship he said I like u as a friend only wt I do that he love me like me iwant him for love
@Florida....We're confused. He told the other girl that there was this "other girl" he wanted to be exclusive with, but that other girl is not you???? Please fill us in. In general we think this guy is playing everyone honestly.
Hey guys, Thanks for the speedy reply. Today my friends with benefits, Bob, ex girlfriend texted me and asked if I had been talking to Bob. We started our arrangement while he was still with her, so I said no I hadn't. Apparently, they had been talking recently about getting back together. I can't be upset about that, after all were just friends. On Wednesday he had a talk with her and told her there was someone else that he wanted to be exclusive with. This was on Wednesday. Tuesday was the day I saw him when we had a really intense encounter. We had also sort of had a talk and he said he loved spending time with me and didn't plan to stop any time soon. So I'm not assuming that this other girl is me. But I would like to assume that if he would tell her, he would tell me as well. So I guess the question is, should I act normal like she never told me, or should I tell him that she talked to me and ask him what's up? Thanks again guys!
@Florida......The deal is, you're in that murky place where nothing is defined. (No man's land.) That's why we're not huge fans of FWB. (Check out our video on the topic. Go to video page) Anyway, what are you actually asking? Are you hoping to rekindle something with Bob and that's why you're wondering what his behavior means? If that's the case this is not the way to do it. If you really want to give it another go, sit him down and tell him just that. (That you think the two of you were great together and you'd like to try again.) If he starts saying he's not ready, etc. , all that means is he'll never be ready and he only sees you as a sex buddy. And if he freaks out, well then you'll have your answer as well. However, if it doesn't go the way hope, you should stop all the physical contact and start being open to a new relationship. Continuing to have sex with him is only going to lead to more confusion, frustration and resentment. Keep us posted as this progresses. And let us know if we can answer any more questions. ps And please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hey guys, So there is this guy, lets call him Bob. I've known Bob since I was 15... I'm now 21 and he is 23. We have a lot of the same close friends, my best friend considers him to be her baby's uncle. Ever since the day I met Bob, he has told me how beautiful I am and how he wished I would give him a chance. I never really saw Bob in a romantic way so I always turned him down, but would continue to be friends and talk to him. About a year ago I started dating one of his friends. He was very upset with both me and the friend. When things with the friend ended, Bob was there for me and he was so sweet and nice I decided to give him the chance he had said he always wanted. I was so glad I did. I felt like I had never met anyone like him before. I could be my goofy self, say whatever off the wall thing I could think of and never worry about Bob judging me. He made me laugh all the time and was just basically a really nice and caring guy. After a couple months of dating, it was getting serious, he was going to come home with me and meet my parents. Then all of a sudden... it was over. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't return my texts, nothing. There was a bit of drama involving friends and he said she said stuff. About a month after that I texted Bob to tell him I was sorry for how I had acted, but that we both should have handled the situation better. He said it was fine, he could never stay mad at me, yada yada. Somehow we ended up making a friends with benefits arrangement, agreeing neither was ready for a full on commitment. It was what I had expected from FWB for a while, until he started calling me baby, always asking where I was and sending goodmorning texts every morning. Dont get me wrong, I like the attention, but not from FWB as it can get confusing. I confronted him and he said he just sees me as a really good friend. After that it cooled down some, back to just wham, bam, thank you mam. But the other day I went over to his house and we took a nap, cuddled, talked, and kissed for two hours before we had sex. It was so intense, holding hands and long eye contact, I felt it was more like making love than FWB sex. We were supposed to meet up yesterday, but he texted me and said he was going to bed instead... at 5:30 p.m! We don't talk all day long, but I can usually expect a call or a few texts asking how my day was or just to say hey.. the past few days, nothing. What is the deal?
@Sioux.....Mess what up? You're in a FWB arrangement, a booty call. He comes back for sex, and possibly some companionship. And then he's gone until he's ready again. That's not a relationship. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him about your feelings. Don't settle for this type of arrangement when you truly want something more. If you tell him and he freaks out, well then it's time to move on. This situation you have going is holding you back from finding what you really desire with someone else. A committed and loving relationship. In general these types of situations don't lead to anything more than what they are. No strings attached sex with someone you feel comfortable with. So, tell him what you feel. If he's responsive then great. If he's not, it's time to move on. You deserve more than this. What are your thoughts on this? Do you have any other questions? Feel free to ask. And keep us posted. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.
dear guys, i've been in this off and on friends with benefits with my ex. we dated 3 years ago but it only lasted for about a month because we'd gotten together really soon. since then we've both dated other people, but it keeps coming back to this. i'm really confused because i still obviously still have feelings for him, and since he keeps coming back i wonder if it might be more than maybe just being comfortable. my problem is that i want to really tell him/ask him about this but i don't know how. i keep getting scared. and the worst part is that we hook up then don't see/hear from one another for awhile and then we do it's awkward, at least for me, because i have no idea how to act or bring anything up because i feel like it's "too late" so say anything. i'm not ready for a relationship and i don't think he is yet either, but at the same time i don't want to mess what this is up, i guess i just want to get to know him better without coming across as irritating or making him feel pressured to actually be with me.
@Jayne....We still think you need to talk to him about all of these issues. Unless you don't want to rock the boat. It all depends on what you're ultimately looking for. (At least with him.) Good luck and keep us posted.
Thanks for the quick reply. Actually, we both initiate contact, but he is always the one who asks if I want to come out to his place. He says we don't have to have sex just because I come out, but let's be honest- I went 9 years without, and I'm not passing that up. I think my concern is that he seems so set in his routine, and devoted to work (he's a teacher) that there isn't a lot of room for any relationship, and he has alluded to having issues in relationships before due to his job(s). That and the fact that he is 46, and has very little relationship experience. I do think he is a little fearful of intimacy too. Anyway, thanks again for the response, sometimes an outside opinion is all one needs to aid clarity
@Jayne......Thanks for your question. Don't you think he knows already how you're feeling? Just by what you've told us, it seems he must have some sense of of where you're coming from. Guys know—even if they don't say—that when a woman sleeps with them it means something. This doesn't necessarily apply to men, but most men are somewhat aware of how it works for women. So with that said, what does this all mean? Judging from his age, his history, the fact that you are seeing him less, it seems the two of you are not on the same page in terms of what you're looking for. That's not to say he is losing interest in you, or that he doesn't love the sex like you do, it just means he isn't looking for the same type of relationship you are. If he was this would be playing out much differently. He'd be taking you out, talking about a future together, following through more, staying the night, making it clear that he wants you. (He wouldn't want anyone snatching you up.) So questions: Is he initiating contact or are you? Because if you are, then you need to pull back and see what happens. That will give you a much better indication of how into he is. Also, have you talked to him about any of your feelings? Have you told him you're looking for a partner to share your life with not a FWB fling? (We don't think that that's what this is, but it could go that way for sure. Actually turn into more of a Booty Call.) Maybe you're worried about rocking the boat but honestly Jayne, it's not too soon to talk with him about all of this. If he freaks out, or gets uncomfortable, well, then you'll have your answer. It's better than wondering. What do you think? Ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. We'd appreciate it. Thanks!
What is this?? FWB or ?? I'm older, and after a 9 year hiatus from dating have started again, online. Met a great guy, we emailed back & forth for a week before we met. I was totally enamored because of many things, namely he was smart, funny, grounded, similar ethics/morals/values-responsible, and seemed to be looking for the same things I was. Similar sexual preferences, a relationship that wasn't "dependent" on each other, monogamy, open communication, and the ability to work with a weird schedule. I work nights, 6 days in a row then 8 off. 12 hour shifts, so no real time during that week. He has a regular M-F 7-3 job, and is in a military reserve unit as well. Yes, I slept with him the first day we met, and I don't regret that, I planned on it. We are at the 3 month mark now, and I have yet to spend an entire night with him. Or go out anywhere on a date, except when we first met-we went on a hike.. I have asked him out to a couple of different places/activities, and he either ignores the request, or mentions something vague that we never follow up on. I always go to his house, we spend hours together, but never an entire night. The time we are together is great, we talk about all kinds of stuff, watch movies, and always end up having great sex. I mean really great sex. (Maybe this is my problem) My house is being remodeled or I would have him over here, but I suspect the same ending-he would need to go home rather than spend an entire night with me. It seems as if the time between our visits is getting longer & longer, from a few days to a week to 10 days. I know he's busy, but how do I know if he is just losing interest? He's been in the military for 20 years, and I wonder if that contributes to some of his inability to "let me in", or if he just has no desire for any emotional intimacy. He's never been married (he's 46- I know red flag, right?) and has only lived with one woman for 3 years (half of which he was in Iraq). I worry he has commitment issues/fear of intimacy etc. but he is worth trying to figure out, in my opinion. I'm just not sure how. My question is, how do I best let him know that I am invested in taking this relationship further, but only if he feels the same way. I'm too old and too independent to be chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. Thanks for the male opinions.
@C......If you want to get rid of him, ignore him and be consistent about it. He'll eventually get the message but it could take a while. He's used to getting his way with you in some form or another. The consistency is the key. Do not talk with him if he calls. Do not respond if he texts, etc. If that doesn't work you could always tell him you're dating someone else. Or threaten to get some sort of restraining order. (That might be going to far at this point, but not if it continued and you felt harassed.) What do you think? We're sorry he's being so difficult. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it :) It's funny that you say "holding pattern" because I said the exact same thing Friday. His reply was he's not holding me back from finding my one and when I find him, he will back off. I stood my ground and said no, next time I'm intimate it will be meaningful. That lead into a celebacy arguement and he didn't believe me; however I've no quarrels with no sex it's just not that important to me. The whole thing is stupid to me because instead of being the "typical" crazy girl who fights to keep his attention, as he puts it, I ended it nicely and now he's being childish trying to keep me in it. I've tried the nice route, I've tried the ignoring route, I've even tried the mean route but he still tries. I don't get it. What's left? And to answer your question, I get absolutely nothing from it besides at the time of FWB, feeling cheap and now frustration. That's definitely not the way to go!
@C.....We understand the situation. But we don't understand what you're getting from this relationship? It's keeping you in a holding pattern. It's keeping you in one place and away from your goal of being in a committed relationship. We think you need to tell him flat out that you're moving on. He's not going to change. And you trying to make him change is just going to make you more and more frustrated. What do you think? Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
Dear Guys, I'm friends with a man I work with and at one point we were FWB until about a month ago, I called it off. At first, it was strictly platonic, then after 2 years we started "hooking up". We are close, can talk about anything and everything, can speak of our darkest secrets without judgment, have great chemistry and at the same time we can bicker like an old married couple; however always come to a happy medium and get back on track. Just a bit of insight on both of us, we are both emotionally backwards (disconnected with the opposite sex) and tend to throw walls up when uncomfortable, except with each other. Odd, yes I know. Why did I cut FWB off? Simple, I started getting emotionally invested; therefore telling him about it and he claimed he understood and that we will always remain friends no matter. Not to mention, he has had no quarrels in telling me about "other" women he has been with during the course of our FWB and I no longer wanted to hear about it (told him this as well), simply because I couldn't handle hearing about it. Mind you, he has also claimed that he did not want to hear about my encounters if I had any, fine with me; however this just doesn't happen because I'm not one to have casual encounters because I don't want to put myself out there in such a manner. With this being said, almost every Monday his first question to me is whether I've met someone and my answer is always the same, No. Our friendship continues, we talk (playfully and serious), we flirt, and regardless of how many times I turn him down, he still insists we should continue our FWB. My stance with him has remained the same, I won't because I need to keep my emotional sanity and when/if he is ever ready to settle down, he should come to me. However, my stance tends to upset him and it's confusing to me. I don't understand this part of him. He wants nothing serious, whereas I want to find my partner in life. Although, he claims that I should accept things the way they are between us and just have fun with it. Yet my response to him is the same, we did have fun and we have some great memories but I want more and it's not with you (he has told me he is not the one for me, but any man would be lucky to have a woman such as myself). When I remind him of this, he gets upset, we argue but come Monday, it's another week of the same thing. My dilemma, I accept his stance on not wanting something serious, I'm at peace with it and let it be. But why is it so hard for him to accept my stance on wanting more than just FWB and trying to move forward? Thank you in advance for your insight. C.
@Sasha.....When you mentioned coke, we assumed you were talking about the drug, but the way you said it almost sounded like you were drinking a ton of coke. But even still, maybe you were in a heightened state, but we can guarantee you that he heard you. (If he says he didn't well then we don't believe him.) Once again, when a guy is really into a woman he'll jump at anything to be with her. That goes for dumping another girl, moving long distance, or leaping at the chance to be with her when she tells him she's way into him like you did. Since we don't personally know the people who ask us for advice we hesitate to say anything definitively, but here's what we really think, and you can take it for what it is. He's a player. He wants to do what he wants to do. We don't see his behavioral patterns changing anytime soon. He's going to string you along as long as you are willing to be strung along. (Not with malice but because he seems selfish.) And this is going to drag out even longer because he's going to give you just enough hope to keep you hooked. Moving forward is going to be all about you. We think you're strong enough. We know you're strong enough. Give this a week, maybe two, and move on. If you need to see this to the bitter end—most people do—then contact him and try to get together with him to tell him how you feel....AGAIN. But we think that's a mistake. Ok, we said it. Feel free to disregard this whole comment. We try to be positive, but sometimes it's difficult. The positive message here is, you seem like a smart, sensible woman who's got a log going for her. Keep that in mind as you see this through. And don't let him drag you down. And don't settle for someone who's not going to give you what you're giving him. You deserve more than that!
Hey Guys! Thank you so much your advice and input I deeply appreciate it! Yes I know what a story, the chapters of my love life lol. But yes I agree it is better to hear the truth rather then a sugar coated version of reality. I agree with you guys 100% when it comes to his response I believe that telling someone you love them isn't something u should just over look its to be taken seriously and handled respectfully especially when your friends with someone. I'm thinking of giving him his space to really contemplate on things without pressure as im trying to be iderate to him as my friend as well. I'd say if I haven't heard from him in two weeks like not even a text to see how I'm doing or anything then I'm going to call him and ask him if what I said meant nothing to him and how does he feel about what I said and us...do you think that's a good idea or should I give him more time? Secondly my next concern is what if he didn't believe me we were all drinking it was my first time doing coke everyone else was on it too, my confession was a 200% honest and real I had planned to tell him the next time we hung out which happened to be then but he did state that he just didn't understand how? Which makes me wonder if all those factors plus that non understanding could cause him to just not really believe me. What do you think? I have no problem reassuring him that what I say and feel is real. You are As well i do agree that he has had a lot of time to know how he truly feels about me and at this point the truth is what truly shall set me free. I just want to know if he has any feelings for me in such a way and if he'd like to explore them and see if we can build something great and as well if he does not feel anything in that direction towards me. I just want to move forward or move on with these emotions because they're breaking me down and hurting me inside. If he doesn't feel anything I will be hurt no doubt about it and I will have to sepetate myself from our friendship for a while but it'll be what I need to move on. You are absolutely correct when it comes to the sex aspect that has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me it just hurts to think maybe that's all he sees with me. My friends think that it was good to finally get it off but as u guys say I just gotta give it a little time to know what's real. Its very true tho the girlfriend thing didn't bother me before because I was so young and in love hut now at this point in our lives he doesn't have girlfriend or commitment And we no longer gave a distance that'll remain between us because I'm here for good so this is why I felt like u know what 5 years is way too long n overdue secondly I'm here now and the only thing thats holding me back is holding it in now its time to see where he takes his stance. I'm scared right now full with anxiety but my guts telling me that maybe this isn't going to be the per say 'rags to riches' story im dreaming of. He's a ladies man and he probably won't want me idk I have so much thoughts hope and doubt so idk where this will go but I'm hoping I can take the right steps to get the answers I need whether they're good or bad. So o have a few questions scattered in this message and I hope u guys can give me a little input and direction on how to go about them. Thank you guys you are truly amazing!! I appreciate you!
@Sasha........Wow, that's a story. Okay, if he doesn't step up to the plate soon you'll have your answer. Meaning, your confession deserves some sort of response, and sooner rather than later. He's had plenty of time to truly know how he feels about you, so if he doesn't tell you soon that he feels the same way, it's probably not going to happen. But let's digress for a moment: What you need to do is remove the sex from the equation. Him wanting to have sex with you has NOTHING to do with whether or not he wants a relationship with you. They are separate, and FWB doesn't typically lead to something serious. The other thing that bothers us in this story is the other girl, his girlfriend. Once again, he was being intimate with you but still going out with her. Isn't that called cheating? That seems to us to be a serious red-flag. Maybe it didn't bother you because you were in love, but it certainly doesn't reflect well on his character. (We cut him a little slack because he was young, but only a little) So that's our take. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it's better to get an honest opinion wouldn't you say? So what do you think? And what is your gut telling you to do? And finally, what do your friends say? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. We honestly hope the best for you.
Hey Guys, So I've been in love With One of My Best guy friends for 5 years. It All started in 10th grade I had a huge crush on him but at the time he was in love with his girlfriend of a couple years and told that he didn't want to mislead me and would rather become like best friends. So All 10th grade Went by & We were Closer than Ever. At the end of 10th grade I found out my mom Was sending me back to new York So we had a huge get together. Later that night I spent the night at his house and he kissed me for the first time in our whole friendship.He ended up Making Passionate love to Me that night. We Stayed awake he cooked me breakfast then we knocked out n went to dinner. On my last day there we ditched school and he took me to the movies & grabbed some Smoothies. That was our first time ever being intimate. As I went off to new York it hit me like a ton of bricks I had fell in love with my best friend. Without any control. About 5 months later I moved back to California and we hung out & made passionate love for 4 hours straight I was madly in love with him but all this time before and now he was still with his girl who hated me btw. Through out that year we remained intimate and thus I believe our FWB relationship formed. I learned to suppress my strong emotions for him bcuz I knew he had a girl. So I just came accustomed to our relationship and put my feelings to the backboard. I Again moved back to new York and I did this flip flop about 4 times since I met him every year I would have to move back because of me and my mother relationship. We lost Contact for About a Year or So between my 12 grade year and college When I met him back in 10th grade he was a senior. Currently im 21 & he's 23. But one day in my first week of college I was at the crash boards in front of campus and he recognized me. We instantly grabbed eachother and just were so happy to have randomly found one another after all this lapsed time. We've always been those two who çant stop smiling around each other. We weren't intimate actually when we ran into eachother at college that was the last time I'd see him for another year or so. We kept in contact through out the year or so we didn't see eavhother, we became mutual friends on Facebook and would chat every now and then. Once he thought I was engaged and asked me if I got hitched but I didn't. He had been In a new relationship with a girl for about 2yrs or so who really knows n seemed happy. All this time and I was still in love with him but he didn't know. Last year in 2011 I came back to cali for 3 months and we finally reconnected after that long elapsed time. That night we were intimate after two years if no physical intimacy. But life went on and things stayed the same. I went back to new York and dreamt about him as I had for years. We chatted a lot and he'd give me a drunk dial every now ans then as he always did. He told me things through out my year in new York like he knows I love him in a different way but dint worry bcuz the feeling is mutual. He told me about how has life is great as far as career but he just can't seem to get comfortable with life. He said to me you've always held a special place in my heart and as corny as this sounds you got this. He told me about how this relationship with his girl of the past few yrs wasn't working out n that shes moving to la in September n that he's pretty much accepted it. Things like that to make my mind wonder does he have feelings for me. So in June of This year 2012 as he told me all those things stated above he invited me to our mutual bestfriends bday in vegas. Two days later I booked my flight and hotel. He was ecstatic! But as life throws us curve balls he got a second dui and couldn't go. I became upfront and told him I was bumbed because he was the real reasin I was visiting. Things in new York weren't going so well in my life so I canceled my trip packed my bags stuffed them in my car and drove 3000 miles to California. I made a final decision I was moving back to cali and this time was for good. My first day back he was the first person I saw we went to the movies but not alone. Me him and his friend ivan went. Things were cool but no intimacy involved not even a kiss.I've been back for a month and a half now and we just saw eachother for the second time this past Friday. As I've been in love with him for sooo long without telling him to the point where all my friends just know I love him no questions asked I told myself that this is my make it or break it moment. I'm here to stay in cali for good I'm not leaving at all not what so ever. I found a good job and am moving in with my best girlfriend who lives up my street. Things r coming into place and I come to realize I can no longer continue with these feelings I need to tell him how I feel so either we can build together or I can move on with life and disregard my emotions. So this Friday Me and My Girl were having a get tiheger at her apartment just a group of 7 of us & he calls me so I invite him over. He came with his friend and we all were having a blast drinks and other things. The night was awesome with tons of great convo. But sure enough later that night I'm inthe restroom and he starts pushing up on me and we began to make out it stated to get intense so I told him no OK sorry because I can no longer have sex with u. He persisted to ask why. & as the pressure built I blerted out its because I love you I'm in love with you. He instantly reacted with r you serious stop playing with me and I said no I'm serious ive had strong feelings for you for years and I love the person I know u to be and I want to love the person your becoming. I'm telling you this because your my friend and I can't keep complicsting things with sex it. I'm telling you this not to scare u but because I need to know whether I should move forward with these feelings or move on. He then told me that he didn't know what to say that he's never had a woman tell him anything like that but he likes it he really likes it. I left the bathroom and went into my friends bathroom a little freaked out about finally telling him. He came in and laid down ans asked me to lay on his chest. He then told me he just doesn't understand how. I didn't know what to say to that. As we laid there we help eachother and kissed passionately. He persisted to be intimate with me and we had a level of intimacy. He stopped and said u know what I could finish this but I'm going to wait. I'm going to get a hotel later today and I ope that you'll be there. I'm going to get it in the early evening and we can continue this. I said OK as I would. We went out to the front of the house he said he'll contact me later we kissed goodbye and went on with our days. He texted me around 4pm and asked me what was up. He told me he woke up depressed. I asked him if he was okay and why what was wrong. He just said he was having trouble waking up t! oo much coke we did the night before. I related and told him I know how u feel I just started feeling better. After that I didn't hear from him the whole day. I know he went out that night cuz our mutual friend posted a few pictures of them at a party. Today is Sunday and I haven't heard a word from him I know he knows and I know he remembers but I dont know what he's thinking feeling or if he even cares. All that keeps replaying in my head is him saying I just don't understand how? And maybe I shouldn't have blerted it out to him and maybe I shouldn't have been intimate. I'm so confused and I dint know how to judge this or what to do. Please help me get some clarity. Thank you, sasha
@Brett........You should protect yourself. You see guys are territorial, even when they are the ones that don't want a relationship. So every time you try to leave he tries to keep you put. This pattern is going to continue until you finally move on. He's not going to be the one to end things definitively. So you need to ask yourself what you really want? Do you want to remain in limbo with a guy who is pretty much emotionally unavailable and not interested in a serious relationship, or do you want to move on and keep yourself open to new possibilities. We understand it's easier said than done but you need to be strong and stand your ground. What do you think?
I met this guy last october, we played around a little and finally had sex. He made it clear that he did not want to be in a relationship because he had been in a relationship for 15 years and that he was not ready for a girlfriend. I can respect that. I thought were doing the friends with benefits, so I did not want to get feelings for someone who wasn't interested. I met some one else about 4 months later so I broke things off. A month later he starts calling me again saying he wants to see me. I did not want to see him because I knew he did not want anything out of the relationship. I stared back seeing him because things did not work out with the other person. He says the same thing he just want a friend not a relationship, so I so OK, then it is what it is. When I meet someone else he history again. However I'm starting to notice that when he feels me pulling away he does not want to let me go. He says lets stop meeting up and having sex because he knows that people start having feelings for each other and I agreed with it. I don't call him, he always calling me and then I return his call. I told him if that's how he feels then he needs to be the one to leave me alone because when I tried to break things off with him he kept calling me wanting to see me. So I put the ball in his court. Now I'm starting to get some feeling for him but at the same time it is what it is. If I meet someone hes gone. How should I handle this person. If I didn't know any better I'm almost thinking he has feelings for me. I don't want to hurt him but at the same time. I want to protect myself.
@Anne....You're welcome. Take care Anne.
Hi guys, thanks very much for the sound advice . Will keep you posted.
@Anne....We reread your original note to us and it just seems like he's very hesitant and unsure about whatever is going on between the two of you. We're not saying you should stop, we're just saying proceed with caution. He seems skittish. Our advice: Hold off for a little while longer about your feelings. Just see how things progress and after a few more months talk to him about how you're feeling and where things are going. Remember, he's also pretty young. 23, right? That's pretty young for a guy. His mind and your mind are in very different places from a developmental standpoint. Guys don't start getting serious about much until late 20s. Of course that's a generalization. Keep us posted and good luck. Ask another question anytime.
Hi, yeah we have talked about it at length, he doesn't have a problem with the age difference at all and no there are no kids involved. I may of made him feel there would be an issue with the age thing ages ago when I mentioned that if friends found out they would be judgmental (more so towards me)but I have told him that it really doesn't bother me.
Latest update, this is about the guy I am crazy about who has FWB with other girls I have been seeing him two weeks and I am crazy for him. He says he thinks I will hold sex off for three months because I want a relationship with him. He says he is just not ready to settle down yet but he likes me the best and he said he hasn't gone anywhere yet.He has just been hurt so bad from other women and he can't handle that again. I don't know if I can hold out that long. How long do you think I need to hold out to get him to have enough feelings for me to make him his girlfriend? I really think I love him.
@Anne.....So how does he feel about your age difference? Does it bother him? Have you talked about it? Are there kids involved?
Hi guys, I have a question about FWB. For the past three months I have been have been sleeping with my best friends cousin. He is eight years younger than me (I'm 31) and have know him his whole life. We have always been flirty and stuff with each other but nothing ever came from it. However, 4 months ago we were out at a club and he told my friend that he wanted to sleep with me. I never knew this until my frind told me this at a later stage. So one night while out drinking I decide to ring him to ask him if he wanted to come over to stay, he didnt quiet believe it and so in the end he did. I thought that this was going to be just a one night thing but he text me everyday and it has now been going on close to 4 months. I said that I didnt want other people knowing because of the age difference. My problem is this, about a month in he starting sending me weird messages asking why it was that I sleeping with him and i was like because I can and that we're having fun, to cut a long story short he started questioning everything so I decided to end it. That was fine until 3 days later he started texting me again, and lo and behold we were back on after that. I should point out that we hang out as well as sleeping together. So now last Friday evening he came over, I was badly sunburnt and I asked him to apply suncream he replied thats what people in relationships do but he ended up doing it anyway, it was agreed between the two of us the this set-up was just a bit of fun. I think am developing feelings for him but I dont think im entirely on my own here, he texts me everyday, always making sure Im ok and stuff. Surely if it was just sex with him he wouldnt be calling over every weekend ( should point out he works all over the area so is never here during the week),or texting me everyday? I know I am starting to fall for him what do you think I should do or say??Thanks
@Pattie....Okay, well good luck. Keep us posted.
Thank you for your advice. He is the one and I know it. I am so afraid I am going to fall for him and he isn't going to give up his friends with benefits because he has to have sex and I won't give it to him until he gives the freinds with benefits up. I will probably wait a month and see what happens. After that I am more apt to think he just wants my body not me. But I will keep you posted. I really want to catch him.
@Pattie......Best advice we can give you is, slow down. It's only been a week. See how things go. Don't rush into a physical relationship, and let him do the initiating. And have fun! Keep us posted as this progresses.
I have been dating this guy one week have incredible chemistry spent nine hours with him & his 17 yr old son. He has freinds with benefits but I won't do that I told him I am looking for a serious relationship.He says he does not want to hurt me but he has a wall up and he is going to take his time getting to know me. He has been hurt three women cheating on him. I have not slept with him, if I hold out do I have a good chance of him giving up his friends with benefits and him making me his girlfriend. Please help me
@Amy......No guy wants to see, or hang out with, a guy their girlfriend has had sex with. (It's normal) But most guys try to be mature about it. (More mature than your boyfriend is being.) Two things we see. 1. He's the jealous type. (Not necessarily bad. Shows passion if it's not out of control.) 2. You might need to be more understanding of how a guy might feel, with you hanging out with your ex boyfriend. Sometimes people need to make choices. (Something for you to think about in the future.) Okay, moving on. His back and forth behavior is not okay. He can't handle who you are, but he doesn't want you to move on. He's being territorial, partly because he's confused. He's trying to figure out if he can handle being with you. But frankly, his behavior is unacceptable. And you've done nothing wrong. He shouldn't be accusing you of being inconsiderate. And then break up with you? That seems a bit extreme don't you think? Is this a guy you can really trust? (Trust with your emotional well-being?) And finally to your last question: He won't leave you alone because he still cares about you, but he doesn't know how to be with you. He also wants sex, and it's easier to get that from an ex, than someone random. Do you have any other questions pertaining to this topic? Feel free to ask away. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I met a man 6 months ago while out to dinner with my family. Let's call him Tom. Tom secretly gave me his number and we began talking. At the time I was seeing someone but we agreed to be friends. It of course quickly turned into a male tug of war where they both were fighting for me. I eventually broke it off with the person I was seeing and Tom and I started slow, really got to know each other. We didn't even sleep together for the first 3 months, as I was not ready to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship until I knew this wasn't going to be a fling or short lived. Once we started having sex, it of course brought us closer and about 5 months in we both said I love you. To preface the next phase of this, let me state I'm involved in a small theater group in my town. Everyone knows everyone there and I dated a coupled guys in there. They were short lived relationships and giving our working environment in the theater, we just went back to being friends. One of these friends and I used to do music together. Tom was very jealous of this and insisted he never wanted to see him. Well, that is hard for me, as all my friends hang out with each other. At the theater parties, my ex is likely to be there. I'm friends with his new girlfriend. He was playing bar one night and Tom came to the theater to meet me for a party. Everyone was going to hear my ex play. So I took Tom. He was rightly upset, I admitted what I did was wrong (I wasn't sober for that decision). He broke up with me not long after. Said he couldn't forgive me. Then 3 weeks later we meet up again. After he has contacted me constantly saying he still cares, doesn't want me to move one, misses me. We meet up and we sleep together and have this long talk about how we aren't happy with the situation, is basically felt like a new start. Then after a week, he starts picking fights with me about seeing my ex that night and breaks it off again. He says he can't accept that kind of inconsideration from a partner. He made is sound final so I accepted things were not going to happen. A week goes by with no word and suddenly, he's wanting to see me again. I'm aggravated. He won't leave me alone and I can't decipher if he's really caring and missing me and just confused and hurt. The other option is he just wants sex. I deserve better than being treated like a toy he only wants to play with when the mood suits him. But he keeps saying he doesn't want to share me. He could go to other women for sex or the internet would suffice, so why won't he leave me alone and let me get on with my life?
@Janey....Well, it sounds like you truly love him, so you don't need much guidance. Follow your heart. Your gut will tell you what to do. If Monday's conversation doesn't go well, then something isn't right, even though it feels completely right to you. If he says he's going back with his ex, then he is not the man you perceive him to be. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Hopefully, Monday's conversation will just be a continuation of your previous conversation. Until then, give him some space—yes, we know this is extremely difficult to do—and let him come with his agenda. Then take it from there. Good luck to you. We hope this works out the way you want it to. Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Just as further clarification, he DID NOT tellme he loves me to have sex or because it would lead to sex or anything like that. Looming sex had nothing to do with our declarations. we spoke for 5 hour fully clothed, not touching, not in a dark room. We sat and talked honestly,face-to-face, no music,no background tv noise. The only sound was us speaking,asking and answering questions,and telling how we feel. And we began to talk about love and how we are in love witheachother. goodgod, as i write this,still cant believe this isnt a dream,but guys help!
wow. you are right on the money about sooooo much. if what exgirl says about her having h.p.v. is true and he DID in fact give it to her....he got it before he and i started having sex. He took my virginity. As you read that, i can feel the "ohhhh janey nooooo". And this entire time, i only have slept with him. So no im not patientX, ground zero. He grew up with exgirl so there is no telling when they started having sex.she grew up in the city my guy and i live in but she's been away at college for longer than i've even known my guy! she couldve gave it to him,for all i know! you are dead-right about him feeling guilty,unsetteled and territorial all at the same time. If he has h.p.v. and i have it,or am at risk of getting it, that doesnt change my feelings for him. Hell, we can go online and research and go to the clinic together, no problem. He dropped all this info on me out of the clear-blue. there was no gradual buildup of changes in behavior. we were great just 6 days ago! Its like his mind and brain and emotions just erupted. As far as his feelings for me,i didnt know his feelings for me were/are as deep as they are. There has been a clear change,for the better, during the time we spend together. BUT there had been no declaratiions,from me or him, until this night he dropped this bomb on me. When he sat down to tell me all this stuff, i feel like he had a breakup speech prepared. he was gonna come in, say we can see eachother anymore, and that would be that. He'd go tell exgirl he wants to try again, she dumps her new boyfriend to take him back,i'd go find some other guy to be with. HOWEVER, our talk didnt go down that way. we wound up telling eachother that we have deep feelings for eachother, we are currently in love with eachother, and we care and feel for eachother past just physical. It got so emotional and passionate,tears and breathing hard and.... we almost had sex in the middle of this! It's like 'the notebook' or something,it's INSANE. we didnt have sex this night because he has things to think about and that would just confuse him more. So i pulled away {yay janey! right?} from sex that night and we parted ways, agreeing to speak again on Monday. i dont know what he has done in the meantime,like if he has called exgirl and told her he wants to try again or not. i'm a nervous wreck because i dont know what he's gonna come to me on monday and say. bottomline is i love this man. i am in love with this man. to my surprise, this man told me he feels the exact same for me. And i want to be with him. I'd be lying if i said anything other than that. I guess now, i neead and want your suggestions/thoughts on what i should do while waiting to speak to him again on monday? And what should i say to him on monday? Knowing what you know, can you help guide me on how to preserve ME, my sanity and my heart? and if you agree, my relationship with him????????
@Janey......We assume he contracted this from one of those "other" girls. Correct? Or at least that's our assumption. And was he with his ex while he was sleeping with those other girls? We're trying to figure out two things: Is he a guy you can really trust? And, where your head's at? We'll expand: We know you've been careful, so let's say you haven't contracted HPV from him. How do you feel about him possibly having it? And what if you have contracted it. Would that change how you feel about him? Some questions for you to consider. So......Here's what we suggest. There are different issues going on here. One is the dark cloud in the room: the HPV, and his feelings about it: guilt, etc. And your feeling about it. The other is this guy's state of mind. He seems confused, unsettled, and maybe not completely stable. He probably feels guilty about breaking up with his ex, but he also feels territorial since she has a new boyfriend. Both of those reasons could make him feel he wants to go back with her. And then there's you. How does he really feel about you? His decisions about you and your relationship need to be separate from all else that's going on. If that makes sense. Meaning, he's got too much stuff swirling around in his head to make any sort of solid decision about your relationship. He doesn't know which way is up. And he might feel this way for quite some time. Are you sure he's the one for you? Even after all that's going down?
ALSO when he&i first started seeing eachother it was exgirl,me, and a few straglers (girls he slept with in passing with no commitment,one-night stand type girls).....this is crazy the more i sit and think and think and think. Desperatly need you guys thoughts and input and advice!
hi! im so happy you replyed! yep. when my guy came over his first sentence to me was "i've been told i have h.p.v." he went on to say that ex-girl told him that she has it AND she got it from my guy. therefore, it's possible he has it and dont know. he has known about this h.p.v. possibility for a little while but was terrified to tell me cuz he thought i'd go insane on him. he doesnt even know 100% if he has it! the h.p.v. cloud has been hanging over his head and he has been freaking himself out about it, but he kept his anguish to himself. he had not processed the feelings/emotions of the possibility of us all having h.p.v when he got hit with the news of his exgirl moving on to a new man. i get bloodwork done on my own for my own health at the beginning of every year. when i had my bloodwork done in january, nothing was off. him and i always use condoms for vaginal, we dont use condoms for oral. but back to this situation, his emotions are not like other guys. he had a childhood trauma, involving something VERY MAJOR, and because of that his emotions/feelings about anything,not just relationships, are delayed. he dumped exgirl 5months ago and just now his feelings are maybe he should go back.he grew up with her and so they have a bond. HOWEVER, when he met me we started to evolve. we were on&off for various reasons and only within the last 2 years it's been obvious that we're in love with eachother. trust me, we both are shocked as heck that we literally FELL in love. it just happened and now that it has....we don't know what to do! It looked like he was so sad and pained at the thought of having passed her and i an incurable disease. but besides the guilt from that, he sees she's with a new guy and part of him is feeling like "omg i gotta go back and really commit but wait! i'm in love with my new girl." See? soap opera city! what are your thoughts?
@Janey......Please clarify a few things. Does his ex-girlfriend think she got the S.T.D. from your FWB? And does that mean he possibly has something, but doesn't know it? (You could be impacted.) Are there other girls that your FWB is involved with, or was involved with? We're not sure who has what, and the timeline for all of it. Because if his ex's new boyfriend gave it to her, we're not sure why he should feel guilty? Something's going on here. FYI: Sometimes guys can have HPV without knowing it, and it's far less scary for them in general. (Not to scare you, but to make you aware.) And there is a vaccine as well.
oh hey i left something out: exgirl told my guy that she got the s.t.d. from him. i think whatever my guy is feeling inside has to be fueled by some guilt because he believes he gave her a frickin disease! But hey what do i know? you guys are the experts so please helppppp!
hi guys! I have a question that will sound so screwy but i'm going thru this crazy thing with my fwb and i really need your advice! i've been seeing a guy on and off for 6 yearz,strictly physical. the past 2 years he revealed to me that he had a girlfriend and i was the "side chick". by this time i didnt care because our feelings for eachother bagan to deepen beyond just sex and she became less and less of an obstacle for the both of us. we have gotten closer and closer and wha-pam! Suddenly he broke up with her and revealed that he is in love with me AND he plans on us being together. we both have some financial/job/college things we have to get worked out before we can 100% put the bf/gf label on so we've just been enjoying eachother and the time we spend together. the frequency in which we see eachother has increased, kissing, cuddling, long conversations on phone and thru text. the whole 9! And then he drops a bomb on me: his ex-girl has a new boyfriend and she claims she has an s.t.d.(not a scary major rash/bug s.t.d. but an s.t.d. that there is no proof or way to tell who you contracted it from*h.p.v.*)so in light of news of exgirls potential s.t.d and her brand new shiny boyfriend, my guy is having inner conflict and is majorly confused. so much so that he was leaning toward going to exgirl and saying he wants to give her 100% commitment and try again with her. he and i sat in my house and had a FIVE HOUR discussion filled with tears and heartache and an undeniable air of confusion and dread over what is gonna happen next. we told eachother that we have deep feelings for eachother that are not just physical. we enjoy eachother as friends. we told eachother that we are in love with eachother and it's beyond anything we could have imagined it to be when we first met. we left it at let's give it a weekend and let's process our feelings and he has to decide if he wants to try again with exgirl. i have to sit and process all we revealed to eachother and the magnitude of what's about to happen. monday we have plans to speak again. IM IN A REAL-LIFE FRICKIN SOAP OPERA AND I NEED YOU GUYS TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! how should i feel after all he revealed to me? What should i do with all this info? i'm a longtime lurker of this site and you guys give the best, most objective answers. thank you so much for being here as a place to go to when love has us so confused,Lol. so guys, please give me your thoughts!
@Sam....You're welcome. Keep us posted. Good luck.
Okay, I get what you guys are saying. Thanks for the advice! I'm going to start toning it down with Andy. I definitely do value his friendship, but I need to start being clearer that friendship is all that it is. thanks again guys
@Sam......Well, Andy shouldn't be touching you, especially with your history. He's fishing for an opening. He may deny it, but he is. You need to be more clear about the boundaries. And the fact that he calls you more than you really want him to is another area where boundaries need to be clarified. Not calling him back would be a good place to start. Not to put rules into place, but if you're talking to Andy anywhere near as much as you're talking to Jake, something is seriously out of whack. You might not think it's an emotional relationship, but Andy is leaning on you. Another question to ask yourself is: Would Andy really be that interested in talking with me if he had a serious girlfriend? We doubt it. And his girlfriend would not stand for it that's for sure. Just to clarify: We think it's great for girls to be friends with guys and vice versa. But if at anytime the friendship starts competing with the primary relationship, that's when trouble starts. You're already there.
thanks for the help! And yes, you got it right. Andy is the guy I used to hook up with, and Jake is the current boyfriend. Whenever I talk to Andy it never really gets into emotional territory, we just talk a lot. I am just confused because I honestly don't believe Andy likes me as more than a really good friend, however I do admit that it is a little weird that he likes to talk to me so much. Jake doesn't love that I talk to him so much, but he isn't jealous because he doesn't need to be and I think he knows that. I just don't know how to show Andy I don't want to talk as much because I honestly never initiate and I don't want to be rude and just stop answering his phone calls. I do sometimes say "I'll call you back later, i'm with Jake", and Andy fully knows about Jake, but he still doesn't stop. I also think he does respect the boundaries. The other night that I mentioned in my last post was the first time he was a little too touchy for my liking, however it wasn't anything too bad and he didn't go any farther than light touches. It was similar to when a guy first becomes interested and is testing the waters a little bit, but he got the hint quickly and stopped. But, I also think he just was a little drunk, and wanted a little action, I didn't take it to mean anything more than that. But am I completely wrong? The thing is I truly believe he sees me as close friend, and thats how I see him. We have a lot of fun together and we can just sit and talk for hours and hours. I won't deny that we have a connection and probably would be great together in a relationship, but the timing was just very bad and once he told me he wanted to just be friends with benefits (like the first week we hooked up last summer) I never saw it as anything more than that and I know guys rarely change their minds. So is Jake crazy to say Andy likes me as more than a friend, or am I crazy to think that a guy would actually just want to be good friends with a girl he used to have sex with?
@Sam...Okay let's get this straight. Jake is your current boyfriend. Andy is the guy you hooked up with for a time and were friends with, right? And Jake is not jealous of Andy, but thinks Andy is still trying to get you in the sack? Correct or not? First of all, what do you think Andy's intentions are? And what are yours? Do you still secretly kind of like him, or not? Bottom line: No guy wants their girl talking to a guy they slept with previously, especially if they think the guy might still be interested. Jake is trying to be mature about it, but rest assured, it annoys him to no end. So good for Jake. Andy needs to respect the boundaries of your relationship. And you need to make sure he does if you're at all serious about your relationship with Jake. We're not saying you should never talk to Andy, but conversations should not creep into any emotional territory. Some guys might even consider it cheating. (We think that might be going a bit far, but still, think about how you might feel if the roles were reversed? THat's a good indicator.) Does this help? Let us know if you'd like us to elaborate more, or if you have a different question.
I was told if I post this here, it might get answered quicker. Thanks! Hey, so I met this guy last summer, Andy, through a mutual best friend, Tim (Tim and Andy were best friends since kindergarten and Tim and I pretty much lived together in college because he was my ex-BFs roommate). I spend every summer with my family at our summer house, which coincidentally is where Andy and Tim grew up. So Tim introduced Andy and I, and we hit it off. We became very good friends and about 3 weeks into the summer we started hooking up. I had broken up with my boyfriend 4 months before that so I still wasn't in the best shape to start a new relationship and Andy is in law school and did not want to be distracted with a girlfriend. We kind of discussed that we didn't want more and decided to do the friends with benefit thing, and then it was never brought up again, but we kept hooking up for the summer. After summer ended I didn't know what would happen. I still wasn't over my ex, and I was all confused. Andy moved into NYC for school, and I lived in a suburb of NYC. He would Instant Message or text me on a VERY regular basis, like to the point where we were talking for hours a day every single day. We would talk about anything, from politics, to our thoughts on relationships, literally anything, and we would just talk for hours. Every so often I would visit him for the weekend, or he would visit me. We would hook up, cuddle, talk in bed, all the stuff that couples do, but we weren't a couple, we were just very good friends. I didn't really like him as more than that, but I did enjoy spending time with him and he made me feel happy. I also never thought he felt anything for me, because I figured he would have told me if he wanted anything more. Fast forward to December, I went on vacation, and met a boy named Jake. Jake and I started dating and have been dating ever since. Andy and I still talk, he calls me and we talk on the phone for extended periods of time (20 mins-an hour), almost everyday. He even got out of work a little early one day (he works till like 8 he has a very good job and works A LOT), and travelled about 30 minutes out of his way to have dinner with me. And the other night, I was with him at his house and everyone had left but he needed to drive me home and he drank earlier that night, but wasn't really drunk anymore and we were just sitting in his backyard talking, and he kept very lightly touching my hand and not moving it, and running his hand up and down my thigh. So here is my question, do you think Andy has any feelings for me or is just a touchy person who enjoys talking to me? I think we are just very good friends, but am I being naive? Jake thinks Andy is ridiculous and doesn't believe how a guy would treat a girl with a boyfriend the way he does. I don't know though. My boyfriend isn't jealous and he doesn't have a problem with me seeing him, he just doesn't think its innocent on his part. Sidenotes: I started law school a few weeks ago so one reason we talk so much is we talk a lot about it, he is an amazing student and is very helpful with me, but I almost never initiate the conversation. And during the whole past year I barely initiated. Also I am 22 and he is 24. Thanks!
@Kaelie...Well that sheds a new light on things. But even though your living situation could get interrupted, is that really worth staying in something that doesn't make you happy? We're not sure. That's your call of course. Why don't you keep things the way they are for a bit longer, and then see if he brings anything up this summer. If not, you definitely need to have a talk with him. Is that a good compromise? What do you think?
@Guys I guess I keep thinking if he wanted something other than what's going on now, he'd say something. We both have our own issues, so everythings been convenient so far, but I feel like im getting dependent on him to be there. Even though we live together, sleep together and hang out together, is it possible he isn't becoming a little dependent on me too? And I think I do have something to lose: my living arrangement. Which, being a poor college kid, I can't quickly change...
I've been friends with a guy for about a year, 8 months of which we've been friends with benefits. At the beginning of the year, he convinced me to move in with him, to escape my mooch of a roommate. Lots of things happened and we moved to his hometown and in with his mother and brother. The benefits part is still there, I guess I'm just confused about why I'm slowly becoming a permanent fixture, if I'm just his friend. I'm not a booty call anymore, we share a bed while his room is being fixed up, he cooks for me and takes care of my dog when I'm at work. I know if he wanted something more from me, he would've asked. And i'd be lying if I said I didn't have some feelings for him. So have I gotten myself into something bad?
@Kelly........Please, please do not get into a FWB arrangement with this guy. He's already giving you mixed signals and it's only been one night. (Please watch our video on that topic. It might help you.) Honestly, we think you should chalk this up to experience and move on. And what do you really want? A relationship with him or a FWB arrangement with him?
Hey Guys, A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my best friend (a guy) and his roommate, who over the past year, has become a good friend of mine as well. Well we were all hanging out until my best friend had to leave to go to a family event, and since he had given me a ride I was preparing to leave as well until the roommate asked if I wanted to stay and hang out and he would give me a ride home. I said yes. So to make a long story slightly shorter, we ended up hooking up. It was an extremely awkward hook up because although I am not a virgin, I had never given head before that night. Afterwards he took me home and I texted him saying "sorry if I acted weird, I was just processing" and he said "its all good, it was a weird night, our secret?" and I said "yup". A few days ago, I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out and he said no because it was getting late and he was tired. I've had drunk hookups before but usually me and whoever it was pretend it never happened. But this is different, or I would like it to be. I would be happy if it turned into some sort of friends with benefits situation but i don't know how to proceed or if he would even be interested in that idea. So how do I find out if he would like something like that without making it potentially really awkward between us? How should I proceed? Thanks for your help!
@Crystal..........Please be careful and stick to your guns. You said you didn't want to have a FWB relationship, but what you're describing sounds like it's moving in and out of this kind of arrangement. Maybe he's a good enough guy and won't push you to do what you don't want to do, but certainly he's generous with the drink, which means he's hoping you'll be generous with your body. (And you have a few times.) As per your question: He's been honest with you about what he wants or doesn't want. There's nothing you can do to "make" him want to commit. He has to come to that decision on his own. But it certainly won't happen if he's getting what he wants anyway. (Sex and companionship w/out commitment) Maybe it's more of a guy thing to not want to commit, but it's more a matter of where he's at in his life. You have a better chance if you're just friends with him and then see what happens. But our gut tells us this could be a long road for you.
Dear guys, I am in a similar situation but not exactly the same. I was drunk one night and hooked up with one of my friends. We were not very close at that time. After the night, he invited me over to his place to watch movies or have dinner together several times. Almost every time I slept over at his place and we had sex. He also called me or text me when he was drunk and asked if he could come over to my place. It was like this for about three weeks. I enjoyed our time together, but I didn't want to have a FWB relationship with anyone. I like him but I didn't want to sleep with him if FWB was what he was looking for. Therefore, one night I asked him if he was simply using me for sex or if he liked me. He told me that he likes me but he doesn't want to date anyone right now. He has not been dating for 10 years. And there have always been girls around him. He told me that he was sleeping with a girl last year for about a year, but then she moved away. He claimed to be 'single' at all times but they slept together. He said he was sorry but he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I told him that if this was the case, then I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. We didn't have sex on that night. I thought everything was clear between us. However, after the night, he started to text me daily. We text and chatted everyday. He still asked me if I want to hang out. I went to his place many times. He knew I didn't want to have sex (without being in a relationship), so we were just hugging and kissing. There were two nights that we were drunk, and we had sex. But out of all other times, we were just hanging out at his place, studying, watching movies, and having dinner together. Now I sleep over at his places at least 2-3 times a week, but we just kiss and we don't have sex. It has been going on like this for about three weeks. I know he is not seeing anyone other than me. Our relationship right now is exactly same as a normal couple except no one around us knows that we are having this special relationship. People probably suspected, but I don't think he told anyone about us. Is there a reason why guys like him don't want to commit? Is there any way to make him want to be in a relationship with me? Thank you very much for your help!
@April.......That's just our take. Glad we could help. Keep us posted. We're curious to hear how this turns out. And yes, come back if anything comes up again. And we appreciate you letting your friends know about us. If you didn't get a chance to check out the "Relationship memoirs" page, we think you might enjoy reading some of the guest writers, especially Charlotte Pescale's "Rebecca, a memoir." Take care.
WOW! Well, it does help a lot. Truth is, after seeing him act like that with other girls and with me, I thought he was basically a heartless person, who just seeks attention or entertainment when talking to me. I thought that was his agenda. Respectively, I wasn't being as nice as I am with the friends whom I trust. Naturally, when I bear such thoughts in mind, I am not allowing normal communication, and, considering how he is, it could never happen. I never allowed myself to look at the situation like you have. Therefore, in the future, I'll try to communicate with him with your insight in mind; that will definitely change my attitude, I don't know for his. If things remain the same, I'll just end it. However, the truth is that if you are right, and he does get something out of this, something positive, it doesn't hurt me that much to give a bit of my time to that person. I do like to make people feel good, and I think it will show if it's actually helping or not. Thank you for the insight, and I'll definitely come back, if I have a confusing guy situation again, which I am sure will happen. :) I'll definitely recommend you to friends!
@April.....Of course we'll elaborate, especially taking into consideration the new information you gave us about his age. This explains a lot. If he's a decade older than you then he's definitely immature, and a bit "lost" based on his actions. Sure, guys of any age will hit on women and try to get sex, but they typically focus on one person and not try to bed every person like he did. (At least not the way he did it.) Like we said, he just seems "all over the place." Which also explains why he's trying to be your friend. It's likely he doesn't have a lot of close friends. If he's that unfocused, it's likely he's not focused enough to put the time and energy into a friendship. (Yes, friendships need feeding as well.) But maybe he's trying to change. And maybe he sensed that you were different than some of the other people he's met, more open—maybe based on your intellectual connection you mentioned. So he's reaching out to you in the way he knows how—jokes, arguments, confrontation, more jokes, etc. He's trying to connect but probably hasn't had a lot of practice doing so. So the question comes to mind: Why? Why is he doing this? We actually don't sense an ulterior motive here. He likes you on some level so he's reaching out to you. You might not be getting much from the interaction but we bet he is. (Like we said before, our gut tells us he doesn't have these kind of connections in his life.) So that's our best take on the situation. Now it's up to you to figure out what you want to do about it, if anything. Does this help at all? Or did we just confuse you more!?
I agree with the stuff you said. I don't want a relationship with him; I never did. Any crush that I might have had for him is long, long gone. I do not like him romantically. He is actually a lot older than me. I don't wanna specify, but there is at least a decade difference. Still, I also think that for some stuff he is not mature enough. I do realize he is a "friend" I shouldn't keep. As you said, yes, he did have an impact on me for many reasons, which aren't worth discussing here. However, most of all, he's been a constant presence and continues to be, which makes it hard to get rid of. I think, I got most of what you said. Not to sound dense or anything, but I'd be glad on a bit of an elaboration about "his advances" not being convincing. If you are not convinced that he wants me as a friend, what does he want from me, considering he is not settled into his own life? This is the part I didn't fully get. Do you think, as observers, you can give me something specific? He says that he doesn't have that type of dynamics in communicating with anybody else, just me, and I've seen that it is kind of true. Same goes for me. I am not used to dealing with that type of person, so it's harder to understand some aspects of his behavior, and I am much less experienced than him, and I guess than you guys, so I can use a bit more info, in this case-elaboration. Thanks again!
@April......Well, he is a player, that's pretty clear. So as far as having a relationship with this guy, we wouldn't recommend it. (At least at this point in his life.) Guys do grow up and mature, although it takes a while. And yes, there are the few that never do. You can find them at hotel bars trying to pick up whoever happens to be in town that weekend. Anyway, on to your other questions. This whole "relationship" with this guy seems to require a lot of effort, and for what? We can't see what you're getting out of it. We understand about friendships and feeling like friendships are for life, etc. But honestly, the more you live, the more you'll realize that most people you meet will only be in your life for a time, and that friendships are not always much different than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. They come, they go, they fade away. Sure, there will be new friends that you'll want to keep as you continue your journey, but we don't see this guy as being one of them. He seems like someone who had a big impact on you for a short time. An interesting memory, or a lesson perhaps? As far as his advances, we don't think he's being conniving or anything, but he does seem a little socially challenged. Meaning, he's all over the place. He doesn't seem settled in his own life, and that's why he's so confusing to you. It's almost like he has no filter, and he's just one big stream of consciousness. We don't like to tell people what to do, but we do think you should ask yourself what you're getting from all of this. We know it's sad to let someone go, but it's better than being confused, annoyed, and resentful. What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Hi guys, So, I wanted to find the answer in question already asked above, but I just have a weird situation, and I read that posting a comment will get me a reply faster. In the end of 2011 this guy came to my school on an exchange program. When we met, we had several great conversations. I didn't really look at him as a man at first, but then one night he got drunk, and when he saw me, he hit on me. I didn't pay that much attention to that either, exactly because of the alcohol. However, he invited me to a party of his, where he hit on me again; I didn't stay impartial this time, but we didn't actually have sex that night. Then, he was friendly at first, but generally got more distant. I responded to that and didn't really act with him differently than with any other acquaintance. Moreover, he was sleeping around with every girl that would agree to that. I figured, maybe he found me attractive, wanted some fun that one time and nothing more, and that was fine. His distance made me think, he might have gotten the idea that I was very interested, and he wanted to prevent my having wrong ideas, and that worked, cause I didn't have any ideas about it anymore. Problem was, as much as he was distant, he was also not leaving me alone. He was n't hitting on me, but he was provoking me, talking to me, stuff like that. It's hard to explain, but he was paying attention to me, when I was distant and wasn't, when I was friendly. I was friendly because I thought he might actually want to be friends. However, this hot and cold attitude annoyed me, and made me be the same way, I guess. I just don't like games. A month and half went by with us basically being like a cat and a dog whenever we ended up in the same place. One night though, we ended up having sex. I admit, I was still attracted to him, but I didn't want or expect anything from him, because I did learn he actually had a girl back home, despite the constant sleeping around with girls. The next day after having sex, we had a big fight, and from that moment on, I just didn't wanna deal with him at all. All the games and drama weren't for me. Of course, from that moment on, he started being nicer to me, but I wasn't as nice anymore, except for maybe the last two weeks or so. Time came for him to leave, and I figured, I would never hear from him again, and I was relieved. Surprisingly, I did hear from him again. He kept writing me. We kept being hot and cold with each other over the internet. However, recently we had this conversation that confused me completely. You see, the first month, I thought that he liked me. Then, I realized he was just a player. Then, after he left, I figured he continued to write me just out of boredom, cause he is the type that would do that. He likes to do whatever makes him feel good. However, now during this last conversation, he said he gave up on our friendship a long time ago because of the way I acted, but he wanted to find a friend in me, so that's why he kept on writing; stuff like that. The reason I am confused is that he used to avoid me. Before he left, I tried to be nice and open-minded. I tried to be his friend and let him get to know me, but he wouldn't make the effort to learn stuff about me, even though he had started behaving better. So, now that we are not likely to ever see each other in real life again, he has these conversations, he wants to know more about me, and he wants to be my friend. I don't see why. There is nothing out of this friendship that can benefit either of us. He's a player, but he can't even get sex. It's not even a real friendship. Our conversations are arguments and jokes, a few nice conversations happen months apart. It's not like I cared before that conversation, but now I am so confused that I am using resources other than my common sense to try and get what he is thinking, because I have no idea anymore, and I just wanna be done with this issue. I find it frustrating, and I know it might be simpler just to cut all ties with this guy, but I am not that type of person. He did have some influence on me or maybe I just like the attention, I don't know. I know, I don't want a relationship with him. I don't know if I want a friendship. I did admire the way he was thinking before all the other stuff got in the way; I guess I still talk to him because of things like that. However, if I can understand him better, maybe I'll figure it out as well. I just wanna know if he is playing games, if he actually wants a friend, or if there is something else there, so that I can figure out a way to deal with him. I am sorry for the long message. I'll be glad to read any fresh perspective on the matter, especially by other guys. I don't think my girlfriends are qualified to judge this one. Thanks!
@nhs......We think the chances are good. Of course, the fact that you originally chose your family over him is factoring into his hesitation and uncertainty. It took you a while to realize what you really wanted, so why shouldn't he have some time to think about this? We can understand why you gave him an ultimatum, but think long and hard about what you really want. If it's him, you might be wise to not put yourself—and him—in a position to lose. Life isn't black and white. It's messy. If you truly love him, give him a chance to figure things out. What do you think? We’d like to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question anytime. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Ok i was with my BF (now ex) for 4 years we were pretty serious and were to get married. However since we are from diff religious back grounds my family pressurized me to leave him.. i tries to comvince them but they didnt agree. He had promised me he will convert to my religion if needed but then he backed out. After that i broke off with him officially however we continued to be in touch and i never stopped doing stuff for him like taking care of him etc. I was in depression for last one year and my feelings had all dried up...i told him i didnt have any feelings for him. Early this year i started counselling and realised no matter waht i love him and will go against my family and religion to be with him. I went back to him on 15th April and he said he is with a new girl since Jan and thay had slept with each other. I was schoked as we were in constant touch and he had hidden this from me. He said he hid it coz i was already depressed, on further probing he said he doesnt love her but they are just having fun. I tried to convince him to leave her and take me back and we can get married. He says no matter how things are he loves me and needs me but he is with someone else so i shudnt have any expectations or hopes from him. I am fed up of chasing him for 1.5 months and told him today that he has to choose one and leave the other. If he wants her than i will cut complete contacts with him as i still love him .He said he needs time to think. I have been with him in thick and thin when he was jobless, in troubles etc. not that i did a favour on him but just FYI. and he shares his problems with me and not with this new girl. So guys my question is -what are the chances of him choosing me ?
@Cassidy....You're welcome. Let us know if we can help in any other way. Or if you have follow up questions. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
Great reply Guys, thanks so much! Not sure what I'm going to do.. Letting go of this guy is pretty hard. But thumbs up for a informative, well run site! :) :)