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Some recent questions:
Dating situation: Does this have a chance to become a relationship?
Confused: I don’t understand this guy’s behavior?
Big problem with relationship: really need help
Men: Can’t live with them, can’t live without them
My boyfriend used to date one of my friends
Hey Guys,
Okay, my ex and I dated for one year and he broke up w/me. He said all the arguing, stress, and the fact that he wanted to date other women—since he’s only been w/ one other girl before me—made him lose feelings for me two months before the break up. When we broke up he wanted me to stay w/him as he started to cry. He gave me a big hug before parting ways. He felt really, really badly because I’m the closest person he has in his life.
He said he truly loves me and wants to be there for me but just doesn’t love me in the relationship way. I decided to not speak to him for a couple of days and then came to terms w/how things are going to be and decided to be best friends again. We were very close before dating, but we fell for each other. I’m still in love w/him even though I have no real problem being his friend. We see each other now and then but I have some questions that need to be answered regarding if he still likes me or not.
1. We went out w/friends and he was hitting on a girl in front of me all night, and I was somewhat cool w/it. But when it got too much I told him I have to go. I was sober but he thought it was too dangerous for me to go home alone. He demanded I stayed the night. I left anyway behind his back. That morning he called me 25 times. When I answered he was angry that I didn’t stay and that I had his ipod. I asked him if that’s why he called me 25 times and he said yes. He called just for his ipod and that I was supposed to stay at the apartment. I told him he was a jerk and that we can no longer be friends. We hung up went to bed. An hour later I woke up to 15 missed calls, I called him back, we apologized.
2. He lifted weights in front of me and watched to see if I was checking him out. I’ve been telling him that I don’t want a relationship again just to convince him I’m not trying to be friends to get back w/him. He seemed happy I said that.
3. We sat on his bed to watch “24″ and he laid his head on my lap. I moved away and for the rest of that night he looked sad. Dropping me off at my place, I peaked outside the window and he’s parked outside my house looking a bit sad for 5 mins before driving away.
4. He sort of avoided me the next day, no calls, texts.
5. He texted me good morning the day after. We agreed to hang out. He picked me up, watched “24,” and was more friend friend like. He sits/lays closely next to me on the bed. I felt suspicious.
6.In the car, he tells me why we broke up (again), and that he likes being friends because he treats me right. He tells me I’ll find someone more suited for him.
7. In the car he helps me feel better because I’m conflicted w/school. We hold each other and stuff but more friend like.
8. He comes inside my house. One foot on the door he’s gonna leave but I keep him to talk to him more. He stays w/me and we’re like an inch apart from each other staring into each other’s eyes while talking and giggling for 6 minutes, just mega close to each other. He walks out the house. I kiss him on his forehead. He kisses me on mine.
9. He calls me twice this morning to check up on me. We assure each other once more that we’re just friends.
I’m really confused. I need to know if he likes me or is developing feelings for me. If he wants to just be friends and no feelings then I’ll be his friend, if not when is the proper time to talk about it to work something out? HELP!!
Nia
Dear Nia,
Thanks for your question.
We can see how you’d be confused. The lines between friendship and dating are blurred here. Our first reaction is: Do you think it’s healthy for you to still be hanging out with him? We know you say you’re not trying to get him back, but are you really being honest with yourself? It just seems you’re going through a lot of trouble to figure out what he’s thinking, and what he wants.
And what does he want? He says he wants to date other women. That seems pretty clear to us. Otherwise, why in the world would he break up with you? You sound like a great match for him, and the two of you have a wonderful friendship. He’d be a fool to give that up, unless he really views you as a friend, rather than girlfriend.
We can see some inconsistencies from your list, but here’s a guy rule to keep in mind, that might explain things more.
Rule: Guys don’t want their ex-girlfriends to date anyone else, even if they don’t want to date them anymore.
(Maybe we’ll do a video about this. Have you checked out our Video Page?)
Anyway, this rule could explain why he’s keeping you close. Sure, he values your friendship, but on the other hand he hits on other girls in front of you. Then he says he only wants to be friends, but then he kisses you on the forehead, and does other things that make you wonder what’s going on. This is a game. Sure, he’s conflicted, and part of him feels like a fool for breaking up with you, but he also knows he doesn’t want a relationship with you. So you’re getting mixed signals, and this will continue for a long time. In fact this is likely to continue until one of you starts dating someone else seriously.
So you have to decide whether or not this friendship is working for you. If it’s not, time to move on, as sad as that may be.
As far as your question: We think you should talk to him as soon as you’re ready.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
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@Josie........So let us get this straight: He's got a girlfriend who he says he loves. But he also says he loves you. Is that right? To us, if he was totally in love with you he'd break up with his girlfriend to be with you. And he's not doing that. So basically he's either a total player and keeping you in the fold, or he's not interested in you as anything more than a great friend, or possibly a FWB. And what about his girlfriend? He's pretty much cheating on her emotionally with you. How do you think she'd feel about that. And do you really want a guy who does that to his girlfriend? Who's to say he wouldn't do that to you down the road? Bottom line: We think you're clinging to something that isn't going to happen. BUt of course that's just our opinion. You have to do what you have to do. Good luck.
Dear Guys, A little background: I met a guy back in 99. We became friends then FWB which then led to a 2yr relationship which ended becuz he cheated. We hung out for a bit after that then suddenly he disappeared. After about 7 yrs we ran into each other one thing led to another and we slept together after we tried the friend thing but it didn't work out. Then in end of 2010, I believe, I sent him a message on MySpace and we have been talking ever since. He has a gf, who found out that we were sleeping together every once in a while, he then told me that he loved her n that he told her he would try to not talk to me anymore. A couple months went by and he started calling n coming around again. He played his game of ignoring me and only calling when he wanted until I told him that if he wanted to be in this friendship It's all of the time not just at his convenience. Finally, in Feb of 2012 things changed. He called me all the time n there'd be times we'd spend hrs on the phone, we hung out almost every day and still once in a while we'd sleep together, things were actually going great (and still is) but mind u he still has the same gf. He still has his moments of ignoring me but is there for me and has really showed me that r friendship is important to him like he said. He knows how I feel about him (I'm in love with him) and it has been hard at times but I want him in my life. I tell him i love him, not all the time, but he says friends dont tell each other all of the time and up until valentines day, a few days after i sent him an email telling him to really think bout r friendship n what it means to him cuz i was getting tired of being blown off especially the day before I had surgery n needed my friend. Then on Valentine's day he called to check on me n said he loved me and has said it 2 more times since then. Which is surprising since it took him 2 yrs to say it again n before that it was back in 2003... Anyway I just wanted to give u some insight on r relationship. My question is. What does it mean when he feeds me? I catch him staring sometimes and we wrestle with each other almost every time we hang out. We hug all the time (like real hugs, squeezing me and holding me close for several minutes) and he kisses me on my forehead. He says he loves his gf n what we had is over but if that's the case then why does he keep coming back into my life and why are we now best friends. I just don't get it. People don't normally remain this good of friends after a break up like we had. Idk if he's keeping me in his back pocket in case things don't work out with her or he really does love me but is torn between us. I'm sooo confused!! Please help! I just wish I knew the deal. I see the same look in his eyes that I saw when we were together but then Maybe It's just me wishing n hoping n letting my emotions take over. Maybe It's all in my head. Maybe the attraction I feel when we stare into each others eyes is just what I feel... Im so torn because I love him soo much and I love our friendshi, the way we can weird with each other and it doesn't matter and how we make each other laugh and feel better when we are having a rough time. I've tried to move on n he says he has but I just can't. I love him more than anything in this world, the good and the bad. I've told him this n he hugs me so tight and says he loves me too...I know I can't change him and I don't want to. I just want the honest truth once and for all bit I know he will never be completely honest about his feelings which drives me crazy...... Can u guys give any advice, insight anything?? Thanks!
@Katie....We know how painful this is. We're sorry. Truly. We wish we could give you some sort of solution to your situation, but the best we can do is be honest with you. From what we can see he desperately wants to love you the way you love him. He wishes he was excited about buying a house and beginning a life with you. And he's tried, over and over to be just that. But he knows deep down it's not working for him. When he says, "I can't make you happy" he's saying that he knows he doesn't feel the way he needs to feel in order to move forward, and that there are probably plenty of guys that would feel that way. His angst over this has been going on for a long time, probably since the first time you discussed buying a house. It might seem sudden to you, but he's been mulling it over for the last year and a half. Sure, this may go back and forth for a time, him giving you mixed-signals and confusing you some more, but the best advice we can give you is try your best to move on. (That is after you've given yourself some time to process and feel sad over this. It is sad.) We just don't see him changing his mind since he's had three years to figure it out in the first place. Sure, it could be fear, it could be anxiety, but it almost doesn't matter what's holding him back, because it's him. This is who he is. You're not going to change him. Once again, we are truly sorry. Your thoughts? Take care of yourself and hang in there. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. @TGPBuzz.
Dear Guys, This is a long one but I am so desperate for help :( 4 weeks ago my boyfriend of nearly 3 years split up with me just after we got back from a lovely holiday in Tenerife, it was kind of out of the blue. we don't live together he lives with his mum but stayed over at mine for 4 nights a week. We were very happy and although when we did row it was pretty explosive, we went on 3 holidays abroad every year, we had fun days out and stayed in hotels, as well as cosy nights in. Anyway back to the point, after being together about a year and a half, I asked him if he would buy a house with me, he seemed reluctant but agreed to it, we looked at houses, saw a mortgage advisor and I got so excited, then one day we had a row over something really trivial and he backed it and said 'I don't actually want this' I was gutted but I accepted it and things continued as they were before. After another year I posed the question again and pretty much gave him an ultimatum, he agreed that in the new year we would get this house together, we would talk about 'his garage for his motorbike', the pets we would have, decorating etc etc i was so excited so went I went on about it a lot, but its what iv wanted for ages. A few days before he split with me I said to him in bed 'I can't wait till January' he replied with 'I can' i cried and got quite upset, he was mad and said I couldn't take a joke. Anyway the night he finished with me, he said he wasn't himself anymore and he just didn't feel happy. He was in absolute floods of tears and didn't seem to want to leave, he didn't take his stuff and when he got out to his car he was sick. He hugged me for ages before leaving, I met with him 2 weeks later as I said we could be friends, (I think I was clutching at straws and wanted any excuse to see him) we went for a lovely meal and just talked about normal things, such as work and his bike and me and my friends etc, when he dropped me off I thanked him and apologised to him for being grumpy if I ever was or too pushy, he just said said .i can't give you what you want' with a sad face. I decided not to text him for a while to let him miss me, he got mad and wanted to know why, he said he was finding it all very hard, I explained he finished with me and he calmed down, he then asked me if I wanted to see him again and when I said yes a week on Tuesday, he said 'lets just leave it' I think he wanted to see me sooner. Eventually he calmed down and we arranged to meet up another 2 weeks later, we met on Friday night, we went to a local seaside town and played in the arcades and then went for something to eat, it was like old times we had so much fun. At the end of the night, when he was dropping me off I asked him if we were going anywhere, he looked so confused, he said 'I can't make you happy it doesn't matter how many times you say you don't want a house yet. I know you do' I explained again that I loved him and would wait and he said it wasn't fair on me and I deserved someone to treat me like the princess that I am, all this was through tears, we sat holding hands crying for over an hour., he kept saying im sorry iv ruined your life. I hugged him before he left and I went to kiss him, I pecked him twice and he kissed me back. I told him I couldn't see him again which made him even more upset but he seemed to understand. The following day I just couldn't stop crying so that eve I text him, I told him I couldn't cut him out my life and he said if I can handle it he will see me this Saturday. I am so desperate to get him back and make him see sense but I know not to ask again or be pushy, I am not even texting him. It has been 3 days since I have seen him, please give me your advice or opinions, I think maybe be wants to be with me but is scared, I'm heartbroken and confused :( Thanks Guys xxx
@Lilo......We're so sorry that you're feeling so sad about this. Losing someone you love is very hard. But the reason he didn't tell you sooner was because he wanted to be sure of his feelings. What we're reading here is that he cares for you very deeply but he just didn't feel that "feeling" that he wanted to feel. And as soon as he realized this, and was 100% sure, he told you. The best you can do is let yourself feel sad, but then pick yourself up, surround yourself by people who care for you, and try to move on when you're ready. Take care Lilo. And please let us know if we can help in the future.
Dear Guys, I was recently dating a great guy and we were in a relationship for nearly two months. Everything was great and we were really into one another, enjoying walks, going to restaurants and bars, and staying over at his place. The last weekend I was there, I was just kissing him gently, and he suddenly went very quiet with me. I thought I did something wrong to upset him and I started to cry. I went to rinse my face in the bathroom then came back. He asked if I was OK, and I asked him if I did anything to upset him. He said that I hadn't. But then he hot me with the bombshell that he thought things weren't working out between us. I just completely broke down. He said I was lovely and that he liked me, but he didn't see us as a couple. I had fallen head over heels for this guy, but I'm struggling to understand why he decided to call time on us and why he couldn't have approached me sooner if he didn't want to be in a relationship. I'm so confused, and I agonise because I miss him so much. It's been nearly a month and I'm still thinking about him. Please help me. Lilo