Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

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My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple of years now and recently I caught him on a horny match online dating sight. I was shocked and hurt, knowing that the both of our previous partners had cheated and we had always told each other that we would never do that. I know that snooping is never a good thing but I went on his email site to find out that he had registered on an online dating site looking for women. I waited a few days before I confronted him. He said he was looking for something on one of the search engines when the online dating site popped up. He said that he was just curious about what it was and that he wanted to look at naked girls. I told him that was considered cheating. He then apologized to me and now he keeps telling me that he loves me and tries to kiss me and hold my hand, but I am hurt beyond belief . I am head over heels for him and I do want to believe and forgive him but I just can’t get over this.

Please help me understand. Please tell me honestly if I should keep this relationship going. Am I over reacting?


Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

You might be overreacting. You might not be. Let’s try and figure this out.

Looking at naked girls isn’t cheating in our minds, but it sure doesn’t help build trust if he does it without your knowledge. Guys are visual creatures, and we like looking at women. And if we’re being completely honest, we definitely fantasize about the women we’re looking at, especially if we’re attracted to them—the naked part helps a lot with this. We’re not saying he should tell you his every move, but we also don’t think you should be completely unaware of his dalliances.

Basic rule: Guys, whether they’re happy in their relationship or not, will look at nude photos—or more—if they can. Try not to take it personally even though it feels hurtful.

However, it’s an entirely different matter if he was on this online dating site, trolling for women to hook up with. That would be considered cheating in our minds, even if nothing ever happened, and certainly would be cause to question the entire relationship. Because if he’s happy with your relationship he absolutely should not be on an online dating site unless of course he’s doing research for an upcoming article he’s writing, which we doubt.

But one question that’s bothering us is: What made you want to snoop in his email inbox in the first place?

If you haven’t already, you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Find out why he did what he did, and have it be part of a general discussion about your relationship: where it is now, where it’s going, what does he want, what do you want? The best way to handle these types of situations is to gather information and then evaluate after everything is out in the open.

Good luck,


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48 Comments on Help me understand why my boyfriend is on an online dating site

  1. I am in the same boat. father of my child who I have been with for 6 years visits dating sites like f* and registers a profile saying he is single and looking for a casual relationship. found out by snooping ages ago, wrong i know, but long story. when you type his name into google, like i did recently when i was pissed off with him and couldnt sleep, you get one of his profiles on a much more tame dating site looking for love. admittedly still saying he wanted a casual relationship, but not a good look as far as i am concerned. his reply when confronted is that its just a fantasy, and that to view certain free online porn sites you need to registered with these dating sites. does anyone know if this is actually true? this is how i came across this thread as i am researching any connection between online porn sites making you regsiter for dating sites, cant find anything yet.

  2. @Lisa…..Thanks for your comment. Whether it’s true seems almost irrelevant. Porn is so widely available that we’re sure he could get his “fix” without having to sign up for these dating sites even if there is some truth to his story. Let’s put it this way, we know a lot of guys—in our circle and beyond our circle—and the only ones who are on dating sites are either single, cheating, or trying to cheat on their partners. Sure, guys have an active fantasy life and many guys look at porn to fulfill that fantasy, but taking it to the next level turns the fantasy into reality. Hope this helps.

  3. I feel for you girls! Recently I found my boyfriend of 3 years on about 10 of these “dating” sites. His profile description described his sexual desires pretty graphically. He had several pictures of himself, and told what town he lived in. I found his sites in MY computers history when browsing for a website i had been on earlier in the day. I was able to access them because he was still logged in! When i talked with him about it he claimed that he was only on there to look a pictures and swore he never cheated on me. Quite honestly i don’t know how to feel about it, at first i feel bad that i embarrassed him. After all i have looked at my fair share of porn that i wouldn’t want any one else to know about. But then i get angry about the profile and how dirty it was, and actually having his photos on there, and the town where WE live?! Not to mention how many sites i found – and on my computer!! He has a secretive / mysterious / quiet personality anyway so it is easy for me to get suspicious of him, especially if i am mad at him for any reason. He did have one incident in our relationship when he kissed another girl, however both parties were honest and forthcoming about what had happened. However this dating site thing really makes me second guess my decision to give him a second chance. I wonder if maybe he isn’t just good a liar… I just don’t get it, is this common behavior?!

  4. @Amanda……..Looking at pictures online is one thing, but having current online profiles is quite another. This is common behavior for single people. Trust your gut.

  5. hey my bf and i have been together for a year and a half now… i googled his email on the net and found him on several dating sites. I confronte dhim about it and he said he was on them years before we met. One night last wk i came across one and he apparently just signed up to it. he told me his computer has a virus and it did it. so i hacked into his email and found that that site sent him a new confirmation password and name so the way i see it is that he’s lying to me. He also gets sent texts by girls from the sites sending him pics etc… i know its just pics but it makes me heaps insecure about myself due to the fact i aint got big tits (he told me he likes mine but i know otherwise hey) it just makes me feel small. and i dont know what to do anymore. he’s proposed to me a few times and has said he wants to be with me but i’m just a tad iffy because all of this dating site bull crap. i know i did wrong and hacked his email but he knows i do it anyway. his mates told him to let me do it if he has nothing to hide… but now he gets antsy when i do it. *Sigh*

  6. @Tayla……You have reason to be concerned. This is a major red flag. Something fishy is going on, and we find it hard to believe that his computer signed him up without him knowing. So why is he on these sites? Probably he feels something is missing from your relationship. Whatever his reason, it’s not good. The bottom line is, you don’t feel like you can trust him. And if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship, plain and simple. The two of you have some major sorting out to do. (Finally: yes, you hacked into his computer, but there was a good reason. And that doesn’t absolve him from his behavior. The fact is, you found exactly what you were looking for.) Your thoughts? Keep us posted as this progresses. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  7. I’m in the same boat! Really not sure how to go about fixing it. Iv not confronted him face to face yet. My boyfriend has always been secretive with his mobile, never answers calls in front of me never opens texts in front of me never leaves his mobile out of reach, its always made me suspicious but iv never made any problems from it. He got his upgrade and left the old one hidden in a pile of junk (we recently moved in together) I found it when I was tidying, as I have never in 2 and a half years been alone with his phone curiosity got the better of me, I know I was wrong to snoop. His Internet bookmarks had a couple of free porn sites stored under fake titles. Wasn’t chuffed, an ex used to call me prude and boring whenever I questioned the extent of his porn use so when I found it on my boyfriends phone it did churn my stomach but I can understand it’s a guy thing, and 2 sites is kinda tolerable. When I got to his emails the endless list of dating sites really hacked me off. I checked a few and realised they were from years ago so again OK fair enough. Left it at that. Had a funny feeling and created a fake profile for one of them. Found his active accounts. No photos (the old profiles were plastered with his twinkle) but descriptions and all those things are clearly him. In a rage created a profile making it clear I’m his girlfriend messages him and told him to leave. He was online when I found him but when I sent it he had gone off. He’s not been on yet to see my messages. He knows I’m pissed at something but im not sure how to bring this up with him. Iv calmed down a lot so I can trust myself not to lose my temper but how do I ask him about this without getting his back up? Am I over reacting?

  8. @Leanne……What do you think? You found out your boyfriend—who you just move in with—is an active member of some dating sites. Which means he’s out scouring the scene for other women. We don’t think you’re overreacting. But, also remember, when you confront him—which we agree you should—the question will arise on how you found out the info. Yes, you snooped, and you betrayed his trust, but all of that gets trumped when you uncovered what he is doing, and that he in fact is looking for other women. But be prepared for the reversal. First he’ll deny, then he’ll say it’s no big deal, then he’ll try and say he’s only on there for kicks or to look, and then he’ll blame it all on you. Stay strong, and see if you can get to the bottom of this. And then ask yourself if you can trust this guy again? Keep us posted and let us know how things turn out. Good luck.

  9. Hi i’m 35 weeks pregnant and still with my childs father now going on 4 years. Well last month I found that he has an secret email I knew nothing about so I got on it and he had signed us ips for at least 7 sex sites and they were all created when I was around 4 months pregnant. i asked him about them very calm witch is something i wouldnt do if i wasnt pregnant i would have wooped hos ass and kicked him out of my house but like i said i was very calm i just wanted to understand what the hell am i doing so wrong for him to do this to me! i wait on him hand an foot, keep the house spotless, clean up after him, and we never fight, well i asked him about it and he jumps my ass saying its my fault he made it and i dont pay attintion to him witch is a load of bullshit! before i became pregnant. we had sex all the time like 3 times a day if not more nd now i just dont want to have sex i cant injoy it, he cant do the things i like because it’ll hurt the baby. He hasnt told me its because we dont have sex but after 4 years i can go with out it i only fucked him so much to please him. guess our relationship has been about sex this whole time and i thought we had more than that. im no descusted wiyh him and dont even want him to touch me. he is only around now because were haveing a child together he still lives with me he dosent work he hasnt asked me to marry him. what the hell do i do?! i really wanna knock his teeth down his throt everytime i think about him maken all them sites in stead of coming to me if he had a problem with something like i tell him when i jave one. help?

  10. @Same….We’re sorry. We understand why you’re so upset. Can you give us more details? Has he explained at all beyond blaming you? Did he tell you if anything happened with any of the people he was talking to? (If you can believe him of course.) Fill us in if you can and we’ll offer some insight and opinions. Also, do you work? Or did you work? The question really is: If he wasn’t around would you be able to support yourself and your baby? Do you have family to help you for a while? Etc. Thanks.

  11. My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months when I found out that he had blocked me from viewing certain aspects of his Facebook. I found this out because one of my friends seen his status and asked me about it.. I thought for a second “weird I haven’t seen him make a status in months.. I thought he just didn’t use fb anymore” anyways, I asked him about it.. He was shocked and had no idea wtf I was talking about. I checked his fb on his comp the next day and sure enough my name was selected under his blocked list…
    So yea, why did he block me? Because he added several girls who he met on chat sites and was talking to them saying sick dirty shit over fb chat. He deleted the msgs, but I found the archived messages and I can’t FKN believe him.
    Okay so yea I forgave him, didn’t forget. Haunts my thoughts every FKN day, so I snoop more. Looked through his email and sure enough he had about 10 different hook up sites that he joined all within the same time frame while we were dating.

    It’s been months since, and I dont trust him at all. We live together and everytime he’s alone I think he’s going to do some shady shit. He said he joined those sites just to get pictures, but i really don’t buy it.

    I suck his dick every FKN night and put out everyday, so why would he wander? I cook clean do everything for this guy.. Should I trust him? Or just FKN leave?

  12. @Shelly…..Well, you sound like a great girlfriend. He should be so lucky. Of course, he could be happy and still cheat. Some guys cheat because they can. It’s who they are; it’s how they’re wired. The question really is: Do you believe him? We’ve heard the, “I’m just looking at pictures” excuse before, but we don’t buy it. There are tons of places a guy could turn if he wanted to look at pictures. Usually, when a guy is on an online dating site, or chat room, he’s scouring to see what’s out there. Which means, he’s not satisfied with what he currently has. This is your call Shelly, but ask yourself if you really think you can build a life with this guy. The trust is broken. It’s going to require lots of effort on both your parts to be able to restore it. Are you willing to put in the time to do that? And even more importantly, is he? What do you think? Keep us posted, and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  13. First I must admit that I do have trust issues. Divorced a guy who really did me in with the cheating thing. So I am with a new guy. Great guy, polar opposite from the ex and I have fallen head over heals for him. I have no real big complaints but this. He is a bit controlling, about the amount of cleavage i show, what i look at (people watching, always worried i am looking at other guys) and even doesnt want me to watch movies like the dictator bc it has a mans private part in it. I mean really I am 30 and a mother of two, i think i have seen it all before. I shrug it off, and give on some things, like I dont show as much cleavage, but honestly I dress fairly conservative considering what you see out there. Well it has been my experience things like this are red flags and worrisome. So I check his phone, and yep dating sites. The porn, and pics of girls from said porn sites eh whatever. I have also watched porn from time to time, but stopped my mild porn watching per HIS REQUEST. Yet he gets to continue his almost obsessive need for porn?! Is it just me or if you dont like what the other is doing you dont do it yourself? But the dating or hookup site really erk me! In fact just last night i found another one. I am not even sure I am going to talk to him about this, I have before and all the typical things happened. “my friend looked at it on my phone” Ok 31 year old man, that is lame as lame can get, I must look like a fool to be told that! “i wont do it again, I love you, I want you to be my last love” And “you snooping in my phone, you broke my trust” Yes ok I admit that 100%. But the proof is in the pudding dear. At this point I kinda need him around, he helps out when the ex stopped his child support. But I dont want to do that, I dont want to need him like that. Dammit why does he do this? I am loyal, put up with a lot of his shit. We have a good sex life, maybe could spice it up a little but it is good. I do his laundry, cook, clean. I am understanding when he works long hours, has to go away for work for a week at a time. Stand by him when he wants to re-up for the Guard even when I really dont want him to, but it is a passion of his so I support him in every inch of it. I have read here that guys may do these things because they are not satisfied, well what could I do more, suck his dick everyday? I just dont know anymore.

  14. @Jax….Guys who do this sort of thing aren’t necessarily dissatisfied with what they have. (Each case is different) Your situation sound slightly different than some of the others. First of all, we were a little unclear of what he was actually doing. Is he checking out porn or is he on dating sites? Or both. His watching porn doesn’t alarm us at all. Guys like looking at pictures. Of course his double-standard is not okay, but we can even deal with that if he was the perfect boyfriend. Of course he’s clearly not. So the question is why is he on the dating sites? Guys go on for two reasons. 1. They are looking to replace what they have. 2. They want something in addition to what they have. Variety. We think it’s the latter for him. We don’t think he’s dissatisfied with what he has, we get the sense that he thinks he’s entitled to more. (Which is a serious red-flag.) Now, we understand you “need” him, but at some point self-respect has to kick in. (You seem like you have plenty of it.) So, you can’t brush this under the carpet. You’ve got to talk to him about this. He needs to know you know, and then needs to give you some sort of explanation even if it’s lame. And then a plan for moving forward if you even want to do that. What do you think? Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted.

  15. Thanks for the response. It is the hook up sites that bother me the most. He lies about looking at porn yet I have told him I could really care less about that. And I honestly mean it. I have been married twice before and my first husband (who passed away) had a wide verity of porn and we even enjoyed it together sometimes. But the guy I am with now seams almost ashamed to admit to looking at it and is appalled at the idea of me suggesting we even have fun together with porn. On that issue I have chalked it up to his own issues and i can not fix it for him. So I just ignore that he looks at it, doing that seams to be easiest for him. But my main issue is the dating and hook up sites. He gets very upset if I even talk about sex with my friends. A while back we had a major blow up. My Aunt (who is my best friend) was curious if a “small person” penis is proportionate to his size. So my boyfriend looked it up on his phone for her. When I wanted to see he went off. Something about his girl shouldn’t be looking at other dicks. OK I went on a bit of a rant.. Sorry. Anyways the thing is. the dating and hook up sites I just dont understand. Everything else I have come to the conclusion that he has some issues that he needs to figure out and I can not be expected to fix them or give in on his issues when I dont feel the same. I can however compromise on somethings and I have but that is it I can not do more then that.

  16. @Jax…..We agree, this guy has some sort of inferiority issues, or some sort of insecurity. But we don’t think the dating and hook up sites are unrelated. First of all his behavior is totally inappropriate. He’s basically cheating on you, or attempting to cheat. And we believe this is his way of protecting himself. If he’s insecure about sex, or has some sort of issue about it, sleeping with other women, or even flirting with other women is his way to build his self-esteem. (Yes, very misguided) So what’s your plan? We think you need to confront him about this. Don’t settle for someone you can’t trust. He may freak out, but honestly, he seems like he’s going to keep making your world smaller, rather than larger like a partner should do. Meaning, if he freaks out and decides to leave, you may be better off. Your thoughts? What about him makes you want to stay?

  17. Well in the beginning we had started out just a casual fling. I was in the last stages of a long horrible divorce. I moved from CA all the way to PA. We would hang out almost every day. He has been the first guy I fealt like I could really connect with and openly talk to. God I’m 30 and even writing that sentence seams cheesy. But the truth is he makes me feel safe and comfortable and when I lay in his arms I feel like I am home for once. I am not a bad looking girl, and I’m not tooting my own horn. I’m not fat, have curves in all the right places and pretty face. But it all didn’t seam to matter as much, like I wasn’t just the package but what was going on in side that was important. Omh this does sound like a cheese ball feat eh? Lol. Anyways I fell for him because when I would talk to him about an issue I had he listened, truly listened. He honestly became my best friend. He is super smart and can hold a conversation alive with out being all high and mighty like I am used to with others. He can be humble yet strong in his beliefs. Those things along with much more make me want to stay. But the more this paruzing for other girls happened the more I wonder if I was lied to and maybe lead to belive he is what he truly is not. Or maybe I am reading way to much into it. Idk

  18. @Jax……We understand you are really into this guy, but do you plan on ignoring this or talking to him about it? We’re just curious.

  19. NJMichelle // November 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm //

    I’m so thankful I found this site!
    I was in a year relationship with a guy I met online. In the beginning we saw each other 3 times a week, emailed daily, were sleeping together, and I was thinking he was interested in just me. Come Jan I saw he was chatting with a girl on FB…the type with 5000 guys friends. It was fishy. I asked about her and he blew it off as someone he “goofs around with online”. This prompted our first relationship talk with him saying he wasn’t sure of what he wanted long term but we would be exclusive. A week later I went to pick him up for dinner and his laptop was open to a dating site. I didn’t have to snoop – it was right there. I questioned it and he denied and denied what I saw. He finally admitted it and said he wanted to prove he was a good boyfriend and to give him a chance. He said I was a good person and deserved someone who didn’t make me suspicious. He claimed numerous times that was the turning point in our relationship. Out with his old way of thinking and focussing on a good woman (me). We moved on from there. I was trusting. I had no issues. Then a few weeks later he’s saying I was “the one”. It was odd and out of the blue but I was on board and a few weeks after that we were in Hawaii getting engaged. The day after the engagement I went on his laptop to post pics on FB. I had no intentions other than to do that. When I was on I saw the skype icon on the tool bar and got curious. I clicked and saw he had been chatting with that girl from FB well after the infamous “laptop, life changing” incident. I even saw he had sent her money (it was right at the time we had our first discussion about his connection to her which he claimed it was online only). I questioned him and he blew it off saying he wanted her to come visit him. This was a few weeks before we were exclusive and the chats lasted well into Feb, a few weeks before him deciding I was marriage worthy. I was hurt but I brushed it off since I just got engaged. I moved in. There were things left by his ex that I asked be removed. He said I was being petty and took the stance that I should be thankful for the nice place I was living in that he was paying for (I am helping my mom since my dad’s passing and we agreed he would pay). I was hurt he brought it up. Then her mail was coming to the house which he would gather and send to her (they were broken up for a year). She was on his car insurance and her mom even sent a note saying how she appreciates his generosity. What generosity? Was he paying for something? I confronted and he said he bought her a car in his name and hence the insurance. I asked him to take care of it. He said he would and it went on way longer than it needed to. He could at least left me in the loop on what was happening so I didn’t feel like he was trying to ignore my feelings. We had squabbles about cleaning. He said that if he were in my situation where someone was paying all the bills, he would let it go or be more accommodating. I read that as since he’s paying, I should be his servant. Another time I was vacuuming and saw a giant bottle of pills in his sock was wide open. He mentioned he was addicted to pain pills at one time but was taking something to inhibit those cravings as he couldn’t attend rehab. I immediatelty thought these pills were fishy. I snooped and found money transfer receipts from Nov-Feb to foreign countries marked as family fh. I dug futher and saw lists of steroids, breast cancer meds, ovulation meds and cialis attached to these reciepts. There were empty pills bottles all over the house. I immediately asked him if he was dealing drugs which he was appalled at my accusation. I dropped it. Things went on but our itimacy levels dwindled. From the get go he had trouble fully performing. I was always supportive and he blamed his blood pressure meds. It had gotten to a point where we avoided intimacy. We were only 6 months into the relationship and it died down already?/ I discussed with him and he had no answer. I asked if it was me and he replied he didn’t know. That is where my mind began to wonder if he was talking to girls again. I snooped and saw that back in Jan-Feb he was still having sexual conversations with numerous girls – not just that one on FB. I was devastated again. It was confirmed again that he didn’t stop after he said he did. We discussed. He felt attacked and I felt he was defensive. he said it was in the past. Is asking in August what happened in Feb that far back?? We were dating. This wasn’t prior to meeting. We wouldn’t resolve and I would rehash the next week, then the next. It was a destructive cycle, but I wanted some sort of answer – a sorry – a how can we fix this moment. That is when I went into the phone and saw he made a comment to a friend after meetiing me that “I was no 10 but fun and easy”. Already feeling insecure, I dropped even further into upset. Then a few weeks later I snooped hoping to find nothing. Wanted to feel like I was the coo coo with the issues. Instead he was chatting away with girls saying all sorts of sexual things. He tried to say I was being dramatic – it’s not like he knows them. Then he said he no longer loved me and wanted out. The past few weeks eroded his feelings. All I wanted was resolution and to come to a place we could work on gaining trust. Instead he runs. Even after our blowout when we were still discussing what to do from there, he was online chatting the very next day. This is someone I cry over?? Also I looked in his laptop bag and found numerous pill bottles. Only one with a prescription label. He had Xanax, valium, pain meds and steriods. Is he usings pain meds again? Is he selling? I was sickened. I don’t know why I can’t let this go. I feel like my insecurities got the best of me. He keeps saying I focused on the past that couldn’t be changed. But asking about a few weeks before getting engaged is wrong? We were dating and chatting with girls telling them things that he was telling me seemed wrong. Plus all the things uncovered during the engagenent. Did I make a bigger deal than I should have?

  20. @NJMichelle…….Meaning, should you have stayed with this guy and accepted the fact that he was lying, emotionally cheating, possibly physically cheating, lording his money over you, and making you feel like crap? What do you think we’re going to say? This is not about his past, this is about repeated destructive behavior on his part. We think you were fortunate to find out about his true-self before you actually went through with the marriage. He may try to reverse this on you, blame you, and make you feel like you made a mistake, but there’s no denying the evidence. And ask yourself: What kind of life would I have with someone I can’t rely on or trust? Maybe he has some good qualities, but we think you did the right thing. And honestly, you deserve a guy who’s as excited about you as you are him. We don’t get that sense from this guy. We’re sorry. We wish we could be more positive here. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. On Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Take the time to help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  21. NJMichelle // November 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm //

    Thank you so much for the reply. It means a lot to me. Having played this over and over in my mind I wondered if my snooping and suspicions were the ultimate cause of the relationship breakdown. He continually argues that I wanted to focus on the negative and things from the past and not on the good stuff in the relationship. He represents himself as this genuine, positive, giving person and I wallowed on the negative. We are two different personalities with different outlooks on life. I don’t understand how I was to just shut out what happened a few weeks before our engagement. Why shouldn’t it count? Was I making a bigger deal of his online dirty chats? I thought it was a form of cheating and a predictor of future behavior. He apologized for it but had the attitude of that it was my problem and I needed to get over it. I couldn’t and I continued to snoop. He claims there was nothing during the engagement to fuel my fire but I explained all the stuff in my earlier posts. He also would turn his phone over or hide it. He said he was getting emails from random sites he never signed up for. I checked his email and he was getting emails from a sex site. It was clicked on and sitting in his inbox as if he wanted to go back to it. If it was spam would it be read? And if you knew it bothered me wouldn’t you unsubscribe? I went on the site and his profile was up but had no activity but it still got to me. Should I have ignored? Was I harming myself and the relationship by snooping? Did I drive him to eventually start chatting again with girls? If you’re getting accused of something, might as well do it since you’re getting in trouble anyway. I don’t know why this all plays in my mind.

    A few days after I moved out he put his profile on Match. I was hurt and told him. He said he understood and didn’t want to date and took it down. Two days later it was back up and I stupidly confronted him again. He said he was bored and want to talk to people. I am so hurt. I sit here upset about the situation and he’s off making dates. He was the one who put the fast forward on the relationship and getting engaged. Telling me he never felt like this for anyone ever( he never was engaged before)and then when things get rough he runs off to the next girl. Why can’t I accept this and just get it out of my head? I feel pathetic!

  22. @NJMichelle…..Don’t feel pathetic. You’re going through a tough time. You very much care for this guy whether or not he’s doing stuff behind your back. What’s striking to us is that he wasn’t willing to fight for you. Yes, he apologized but he seemed to care more about being right—it’s your problem not his—than convincing you he’s not the man you think he is. Your communication has hit a wall with neither of you willing to budge. Usually when this standstill happens the relationship is over, unless of course both people decide they’re willing to compromise to save the relationship. Of course if he is/was actually cheating, then we don’t see much to save. If he’s not, then it’s possible this could be worked out. However, the fact that he’s already moving on only two days after you moving out, tells us that maybe he wasn’t that committed in the first place. Hang in there. Any other thoughts? Questions? Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. We appreciate it.

  23. Should I be concerned? // January 8, 2013 at 5:47 pm //

    I realize this is an old thread and I’m unsure if anyone will respond to my new comment but I’m at a loss and need a guy’s perspective. My boyfriend (of 8 months) and I met on an online dating site.
    We live about 2 hrs from each other and so far this has worked great. He seems in love with me, even talks seriously about marriage; I have no complaints.
    While visiting him last, I snooped on his computer while he was running an errand. I have been cheated on before by othet guys and that’s the only thing that prompted my snooping. Well aside from a lot of porn (which I don’t really care about) I found that in the middle of looking at porn he was also searching single women on the dating site we met on.
    I took picture of he history on his computer and when I was home later I looked at the profiles of the women he was “shopping” through.
    Well, I know for a fact that none of them are women he would ever consider seriously dating as most looked trashy and the majority were young, as young as 18.
    This is definitely bothering me but I haven’t confronted him about it, because I know that my snooping will break trust. Several of my friends whom I’ve talked to say that they consider this cheating.
    I should point out that he doesn’t have a profile on the dating site, nor is he talking to anyone, just doing random searches about once a week that last 5-15 min.
    So what do I do?? Any suggestions as to what to do or why my boyfriend is searching single women? Thanks in advance for any advice.

  24. @Should I be Concerned…….The good news is, he doesn’t have an active profile on these sites. The bad news is, there’s never a good reason to be on a dating site when you’re in a committed relationship. So how old are you? We’ll assume you’re older than the women he’s checking out. (Late 20s, early 30s?) It could be that he’s fantasizing about these younger women and using their profiles the way he uses porn. (Getting off) If he’s just looking and not actually doing anything about it, you might want to just monitor it for a bit. However, that’s the question? What is his intent? And, do you feel like you can trust him now? Because much of how this plays out starts with you. How do you feel about the relationship now that you know what you know? At some point this all has to come out. It might be a bit soon though. Keep an eye on it and keep us posted. Thoughts?

  25. First of all, this posting and all the comments are extremely helpful, so thank you.
    My concern is slightly different though. I am considering dating with a guy who has an online dating profile (a very active one). But we met through mutual friend. Since it seems like dating sites are a good means to cheat, and like most commentators here said, guys often do. I am not sure if I should even start a relationship at all or not. I guess what concerns me the most is: if I started falling for him, and even after the relationship has developed, he still keeps his online profile active? I can’t tell him to close it or don’t do it. And I’m going to be hurt. Would it be best not to date him now?

  26. @Lesley…..Stop projecting. You don’t even know the guy. You can’t make decisions based on what you THINK might happen. You have no idea how things will unfold. Just proceed with your eyes open and if things start to progress then actually you do have every right to question his online dating activities. And who knows, maybe if he thinks you’re the perfect girl, he’ll take his profile down on his own.

  27. I have been through the same crap over and over my ex husband was a cheater my boyfriend cheated last summer after I had surgery and could not have sex for almost two months.. and I have caught him with several of these sights and one email that he had no idea of which was a complete duplicate of one of his emails right down to the password ( I have my way of finding these things) I should have been a PI .. recently I found one of these sights and did my normal procedure deleted it.. I have deleted many and set up some of my own for snooping purposes.. I’m not ashamed of it fk it I know I am not searching for another man and actually some of the porn sites I have found if you click the little chat boxes they bring you directly into some of these especially the ones I have found his profile in YES I watch porn too and I have entered my email address in to ” SEE MORE videos” and they set up up on these chat sites.. all you have to do is delete and unsubscribe easy as pie and typically if I catch the sites and DELETE them its usually months before another one pops up click and repeat sorry ladies but typically if they are going to cheat it isnt typically someone they find online sorry personal experience its usually someone who they knew in the past and it according to him was a closure thing it was a very hurtful closure for me he cheated on me once I cheated on my ex husband with him during our separation and sometimes its an eye opener I wanted my current boyfriend my entire life we spent many years as family friends and I went looking for him and started the relationship about six months before my divorce was final.. My current cheated once in some weird closure thing in his heart that he felt he had to finalize it with her and see if his feelings for her were over and guess what ya it hurt me I moved out cut ties with him and a week after I came back to get some of my belongings when staying with a family member to this beautiful letter explaining his actions checked my email and had four more I remained away from the house for yet another week and he got my new phone number and asked me to come home and we spent a day just talking I went back to my temp home went back because he called me bawling on the phone ( We are both mid 30’s ) PLEASE COME HOME MY LIFE IS OVER I AM SO LONELY AND I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR HURTING YOU I CAN’T BEAR TO BE IN THIS HOUSE WITHOUT YOU. I didnt go home I stayed away it was killing me on top of the fact that I was very ill at the time.. so after almost three weeks of staying forty five minutes away which really sucked because I work here in my home town, he showed up to my job I had changed my hours. my boss told me he would sit and wait in the parking lot during my normal shift and when I didnt show up he would leave finally caught up to the shift change and asked me to come home he said the puppy (our daughter) will not eat and isnt being herself and he needs me to come home because he is miserable and he will never do it again.. its been 6 months i have my eyes in the sky so to say and he has not done it again and she is not longer sending him messages these sites mean nothing

  28. @Rah….Thanks for sharing. Good luck and hang in there.

  29. ok what if he quits having sex with you but is still very loving otherward. I know he isn’t cheating. So I need to know if it is porn. I am sorry but if I get him aroused then he doesn’t want to have sex or make me wait months wait a year then if he is getting his satisfaction watching porn and won’t have sex with me? I admit I watch porn. I get off myself daily. I get my sex fix but I want him to have sex with me and guess what? I can’t have orgasms through intercourse-he would never know this though. I am not ugly I have about 10 men waiting for a chance with me. Sure I could run around but it will not satisfy me,no orgasms through intercourse remember? So what will I benefit from cheating aside a guilty feeling and a bad reputation. You see men are more about the sex fix. Women are in need of the emotional side. We want to be wanted, desired, feel like we are a goddess and we want to please you. Sure we want sexual satisfaction but it’s all in a different order in line. No I am not ugly. I used to be a model back when I was in my early 20s and even now in the 40s others say I do not look it. I am good to my guy. So if he wants to watch porn fine. I can’t tell him no when I do as well. But don’t let your hand be your final satisfaction until your next monkey slap fantasies. You got to share that with the one you are supposed to be in love with because you said you wanted to marry me and spend forever with me but I can not live forever thinking I am ugly and worn out when I tey so hard to please you oral sex when you wanted it and you never me. Relationships is supposed to be equal and sex is not only supposed to be enjoyed by only the man. So yes. I am going to snoop and try to find out what is going on with us. If not I will know to take the other road.

  30. CassPaula // April 4, 2013 at 3:09 pm //

    Hey Guys.

    Thanks for this– I found it at a moment I needed it, but I still have a question.

    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We’re very open about our previous sex lives and current habits– i.e. I know he looks at porn and that’s a-ok with me. Neither of us are drama bombs and tend to be understanding about things that might weird out other couples. Basically, we have no reason not to trust each other. I am quite pleased with this relationship.


    At one point he had mentioned that he had a couple leftover dating site profiles that he really just visits to play games on or keep in touch with friends. Okay, whatever. I still have a FetLife account that I rarely visit. No big deal.

    I was poking through his laptop history to find a site I had visited a day or two ago (my laptop is busted) and found multiple instances of logins on these dating sites. Okay, no big deal. But my womanly curiosity got the better of me and I checked a couple of them out. I mean, they’re right there in his history, he knows I use this laptop, and he’s no computer idiot.

    Not only are these profiles current, but list him as single and looking for Relationships, Anything He Can Get, Casual Sex, etc. He has current messages open with women that are suggestive and make reference to getting together for casual sex.

    Shocked and displeased, I checked out his Facebook (I haven’t used facebook in months). He’s talking to women on there and making passes at them although it says right there in his profile that we’re dating. In one current conversation with a woman, he mentions that he wouldn’t mind having “a little something on the side.”

    Great. What do I do now? I asked him about the dating sites and he brushed me off like it wasn’t any big deal, regurgitating his previous comments about it being for the games and friends. I know this is bullshit.

    Sure, I haven’t been a fabulous lay recently due to some health problems (which he was very supportive about). I’m not exactly on my A game in the sack. But these messages have been going on way past my illness to when we were banging like dynamos.

    I am hurt, my trust has been broken, and I don’t know what to do now. I love this man and I don’t want to ruin this relationship, but seriously wtf. We were both very up front about everything and I consider myself to be rather easygoing and forgiving, but this is just a bit beyond the call of duty here.

    We’re about to move in together.

    What the hell do I do.

  31. @CassPaula……..You know what you need to do but you want us to say it. Right? You can’t let this go because it’s going to eat away at you. You don’t trust him as this moment. And maybe for good reason. But right now it’s not clear exactly what’s going on. So we don’t see any way around a serious talk. And this is more normal than you think. Your relationship is about to ramp up to the next level. These kinds of tests often happen at crossroads. (Moving in together) But if you ignore it it’s not going to go away. And we don’t suggest moving in together until you feel 100% certain about how you feel. Love only goes so far. But it’s trust and mutual respect that sustains a relationship. One thing to consider: It’s cool that you have an “open” sort of relationship and that you’re both more understanding than other couples might be about certain things. But understand that once those gates are open it’s hard to control levels. So what exactly is appropriate? Flirting on dating sites? What does that exactly mean? We could easily see him throwing that back at you. So if you do talk with him and it goes well, we’d suggest setting some ground rules. And honestly, looking at porn is totally different than having profiles on dating sites and propositioning girls on Facebook. We don’t think either of you should have active profiles if you’re really serious about each other. Some things to think about. Good luck and take care.

  32. Hiya guy’s. Big help thankyou. My man of two year’s is forever making online dating profiles. We nearly split up over it at Christmas. He says im the best girlfriend he could adk gor snf wants to marry me. So why does he continue yo want to tslk dirty to other women? . He goes through phases where his right hand and porn mean more than me. Im very adventurous in bed and as he puts it ” insatiable” . He can look me in the eyes and tell me he hasn’t made anymore profiles but I know he has ive found them. I work full time and he doesn’t have a job so it hurts even more that im working my ass off while he’s getting ann aching arm . Is this a man thing or is it just my mans thing.thanks.

  33. @Smiles………It’s a man thing if you let it be a man thing. Meaning, sure, guys look at porn. And guys masturbate as much as they can. Both normal. However, that’s far cry from actually having human interaction with other ladies. In our book, that’s not okay. Of course, this is your call and your relationship.

  34. cant believe it // April 9, 2013 at 11:45 am //

    Wow I cant believe I found this. I am going threw this very thing this week and its broken my heart. Ive been seeing a man now for 3 1/2 years. I love him dearly but clearly the feelings arent shared. I had gone out of town to visit my daughter and her family. Her and me were just hanging out on her porch and I told her how my sister had been using this dating site with the name fish in it so we both went on my phone and tried to find it. We found it and started looking threw it just for fun didnt join or anything. reading threw the profiles I came across one that described my boyfriend to the T I knew it was him right away. The profile stated how he was looking for his “Real” partner ect…so what am I ??? some imaginary f-buddy ? So of course this really upset me Im sitting there in shock so being a very smart women I did a search of the same screen name and the town and state he lives in. Just those 3 word and bingo my phone lite up like a christmas tree. Hes on 8 or more dating sites all proclaiming the same thing his REAL !! partner.. his first and last date. ok I could of dealt with that if its was old posting and profiles but these were all active he had been on these sites as soon as 24 hrs before I found them. One was a creepy one that even stated he was into voyeurism. So I waited a few days so I could calm down and while we were on the phone I calmly asked him what was up with all this. He started claiming his computer had been hack and he had no clue about all this someone must have posted these cause he was hack..again ok Im not a stupid women.I let him believe I believe that so the next day I asked him so when are you going to have your computer looked into.. he couldnt give me a straight answer so again I mention all the sites but this time after a long pause he admitted they were his and claims he was just going on them to see if any of his friends were on them.. YEAH RIGHTTT again he must think Im so stupid..BS it takes alot of time to make all those profiles just for something like that and all them stating he wants that REAL partner if he was just looking then why that ? Stupid I am not.. He kept going on and on about how its me he wants to be with ect..I told him one of my pet peeves is being lied too.That if he doesnt want to be with me then go.. Im too old to play these BS games of the heart. He swear over and over he wants me. Right now I dont believe a word he is saying and dont know if I will ever again. Sad thing is I really loved him and tried my best to make him happy and feel loved Im tired now.. if I even allow him near me again its time for him to jump some hoops for me. Think maybe I might need to find a REAL MAN !!

  35. @Can’t believe it……Thanks for sharing your difficult story. You sound like a strong woman. And yes, you need a real man. This guy is not the guy. Take care.

  36. Thanks for this- I’m in a somewhat similar position. I have been dating my boyfriend for five months; after we dated for two months I moved two hours away for my internship and have been long distance the past three months. When I visited him last w end, I saw a dating website ap on his phone; when I asked him about it he said I don’t know and deleted it. So when I got home I created a fake profile and there he was, single and looking. So I knew his password for other websites and tried it and it worked. I discovered he had been messaging back and forth with several girls since I moved away. All were flirty but none indicated that they had met up or were planning on meeting up. Of course I confronted him about it over the phone and we had a two and a half hour conversation, most of it him apologozing and explaining it was his way of “getting off” when I was not around but that he had no intention of mtg up w them and head never physically cheated. He said it was his type of porn. He immediately deleted it (which I verified) and has been apologizing, sending flowers, saying he loves me, etc since. I’m so confused and hurt and the hardest part is I still love him. What do I do??

  37. @Marie……Sorry. If you really believe him and want to give him a second chance you proceed forward with caution. Of course the damage is already done. Trust is broken; and when you’re in a long distance relationship trust is paramount because you’re not seeing the person every day. The problem we have is he’s not seeing the difference between getting off on porn—which most guys do to some degree—and what he’s doing—having actual interactions with real people, and then getting off. Big difference. If he doesn’t see the difference, then we have to question what his views are on other important issues. At the very east, his judgement is in serious question. And if he’s not telling you everything, then he’s already lost and has cheated. It’s your call. You know him better than we do.

  38. I’m back..
    So everything was great, i thought he changed..eventually I gained my trust in him again..
    Today when he was napping I looked at his sent messages on his hotmail, I haven’t looked for a while because I regained my trust in him. I didn’t expect to find anything but I did and I’m torn. He had a bunch of messages to girls whom he met on chat sites, asking them what they were doing that night, to meet up, saying call me, send me pictures of you naked. And worst part is it was on valentines day, we live together but on that particular valentines I was working till 11pm. I don’t know what happened, but I know what his messages said.. What do you guys think? Is it time to move on? He’s obviously trying to cheat on me right?

  39. @Shelly…….It doesn’t sound good. Isn’t this the same behavior he exhibited before? The same behavior he said he stopped? Right? Trust your gut not your heart. What do your friends think?

  40. britney a // May 18, 2013 at 2:28 pm //

    i have a boyfriend that i met on a dating site…he has a hard time staying off of it and hes always looking at girls with hardly any clothes on…its ok with me but for some reason he leaves comments and it would be better if he would just keep it to himself…but i bring it up and he gets mad at me…and he keeps doing it…

  41. @Britney…..This is a red-flag. Does it bother you? Obviously it does. Have you told him this? To us, it shows a lack of respect for you.

  42. My live in boyfriend and I have had some blinding rows, leaving me a tad “frigid” – more over I am pissed off so not up for it. Anyway, cutting short. He joined sites for gratification. Fair enough. But there seems to be interraction with a couple of ladies, he claims he never chatted but I am 90% sure he has. His excuse for opening several accounts for married affairs etc.. is he reckons he thought he saw m o one of the links from a porn site???? I have since seen this picture, it is nothing like me. Nor are the umpteen other girls profiles are like me. There are far too many accidental contacts as they’re claimed to be. He had archived a message to one on facebook.

  43. Hello everyone. Read your stories and I felt like sharing mine. I’m recently going through this. I live with my boyfriend of two years. We literally moved out over a month ago and I thought everything was good! We both help around the house, both do grocery shopping together, ill cool and so will he. We have sex almost everyday. So just yesterday when he got home from work I found a girls pic in his yahoo mail. I first asked to use his phone to check my bank account as my phone gets no type of service where we live. So I checked my bank account and when I was done his msgs opened and the first thing was a pic of this girl. He wasnt home at the time so when he got home I asked him and he said he didn’t know how that happened. Let me also mention that I discovered him using a dating hook up website and he was logged into his account. He had his picture and had multiple messages with females in “our” area. He exchanged numbers to few ladies and the weird part is, he tells me he talks to no one. I’m guessing while he’s at work he has these combos as the times show he was at work. Short story short I was crushed. Today in the morning we didn’t speak and I asked him if he’s ready to be honest with me and tell me the truth! He told me he met this girl on this website and they talked but that was it. He told me he feels horrible and been saying sorry all day. I told him that if he’s talking to this girl or girls then how come there isn’t any texts? He knows I’m not dumb and knows he’s deleting these texts. He told me he never cheated on me, and honestly he loves with me and is always with me. Unless he doesn’t go to work. But I know he does bcus he brings home his share of money(check). I honestly don’t know what todo anymore, i love him so much, he’s told me he’s going to marry me and always talks about having kids with me, etc. we always have a good time laughing and playing jokes. He told me there are times I act like a “bitch” so that was his excuse to talking to these girls bcus it was nice talking to someone who doesn’t bitch. I don’t think that’s a good reason, and I never knew I was a bitch wen I know I don’t even do that. I guess I’m really confused and need some guy advice on this one. He told me when he gets home from work he wants to talk more and he loves me and wants to work this out. He told me he doesn’t want me to leave and that he’s so stupid for even doing such a thing. I don’t know hope this will feel better soon.

  44. I would like to know why my boyfriend goes on dating websites or craigslist to find women and this only happens when hes out of town. we have been together 4yrs . We separated for 6mth and got back together in all honesty we dont even have sex like we used to he always says he is to tired but yet he is looking for it on line. What do I do how can I confront him with out hem getting furious.

  45. by the way when I ask him if he is cheating he will always benie it even when I have cought him.

  46. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he has physically cheated on me 3 times, and is always on dating sites and social networks handing out his number,trying to talk to other girls when he finally tells me he always says he i’m sorry i love you you my baby i will never do it again but doesn’t show it. my mom recently during the summer decided that it would be best if i took time from him so i been doing which helped so now we started seeing more of each other but lately i been seeing that he is talking more and more to other girls texting them through dating sites and Facebook. he is sending them pictures and hooking up with them. last night when i was playing on his phone, i found that while i was in class he was sexually texting this girl and exchanging pictures.he been distant, rude, acts if i have made him angry, all of a sudden wants privacy i do not know what to do about it should i go or stay?

  47. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he has physically cheated on me 3 times, and is always on dating sites and social networks handing out his number,trying to talk to other girls when he finally tells me he always says i’m sorry i love you you my baby i will never do it again but doesn’t show it. my mom recently during the summer decided that it would be best if i took time from him so i been doing which helped so now we started seeing more of each other but lately i been seeing that he is talking more and more to other girls texting them through dating sites and Facebook. he is sending them pictures and hooking up with them. last night when i was playing on his phone, i found that while i was in class he was sexually texting this girl and exchanging pictures. in the messages he talks about how much he loves them, wanna be with them, wanna meet them right now, how he is single. he been distant, rude, acts if i have made him angry, all of a sudden wants privacy i do not know what to do about it should i go or stay?

  48. I just read some of the comments from the women and totally …please excuse me…..laughed. they sound weak explaining their story with their SO called men and basically asking what should I do….I LOVE him. I’m in the same situation but add to this nine months pregnant. I think people do to use what we allow. Allot of men’s behaviors is due to the fact that we women….even I have done it…will allow said behaviors. However don’t cry when you didn’t have the back bone to say no more and walk a new path. I personally left……now instead of all the fantasies he was chasing…..he is chasing and fearing his new reality…..a daddy with no family and child support due. He made his choices….I made mine. Finally, allot of me a narcissists…look it up and see if your man falls into this personality category….it’s much more than loving oneself..

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