Dear Guys,
I’m engaged and the wedding is in a six months. I’m excited, but a few things have happened that have made me worried.
My guy’s(Rob..not his real name) mom is getting too involved with the plans and whenever I object Rob sides with her. The venue, the guests, even the food. He says it will make her happy and that it’s a big deal for her. He’s her only child.
I’m not happy and I’m worried that this type of pattern might continue in our relationship. So my question is, do you think this is unique to the wedding, or does this sound like trouble?
Patricia
Dear Patricia,
We’ve been told by female friends that a guy who loves his mom will be a good husband. But it’s one thing to love your mom, it’s another to be a momma’s boy. We hope you’re not engaged to the latter.
But having said that, weddings often bring out the worst in everyone. All of a sudden everyone thinks they have a say in the planning. And by everyone we mean the families. The guest list is often the biggest cause of tension. Parents want to invite everyone they know even if you’ve never even met them. To a certain extent that’s fine. They are typically paying for it, and they want to share their excitement and happiness with their friends as well. So you should go with the flow as far as the guest list, unless you want to elope, which isn’t always the worst option. But it’s absolutely no one’s business to tell you where you should have your wedding and what food or music you should have.
We’ll make this brief. Talk to Rob. Tell him how you’re feeling. It’s your wedding and you should be excited and happy about it. Let’s hope he comes to his senses. You will be a team throughout life and he needs to get on board!!
As for our bigger concern. Rob being a momma’s boy. Only you can know that for sure. The signs are there, but weddings are weddings. Have there been other instances throughout your relationship that have made you pause and wonder? Other things that might suggest a pattern of behavior?
And finally, does Rob have enough great qualities that you’re happy to marry him anyway? That’s your call.
Good luck. And congratulations! (We hope)
THE GUYS
The GUYS are right, everybody wants to get involve in weddings. But I think it’s too much if your soon to be MIL gets what she wants, it’s your wedding not hers. Rob should be asking for your approval. Go ahead and talk to him, if he doesn’t listen… uh-oh, I smell trouble.
Unless the future MIL is helping to pay for the wedding, she should probably stay in the background. If this gal is at the stage of “planning” for a wedding, she may have missed some earlier clues about his mom.
I hope all goes well and your future life is all you hope it to be. However, don’t get so caught up in the ideal of married life that you end up skimming past warning markers.
There can be a wedding without his mother, but not without a bride and groom. Tell Rob that the bride is the special lady at the wedding, not his mother. If he feels his mother’s feelings are more important than yours, especially concerning your wedding. Postpone it. Make Rob really consider if he’s ready to be a real husband or not.
Let him know NOW that you will not go along with having his mother interferring in your marriage. I’ve witnessed the kind of drama a momma’s boy-momma brings to a marriage and child rearing. In fact it can end a marriage.
You are worthy of being special to Rob, period. But if you don’t address your concerns now, you may be in for quite a bit of heart ache.
I wrote a whole post on men and their mamas, and I have to admit that of all the relationships that can create a rift between a couple, the “man and his momma” scenario is the one most likely to ruin a marriage. Yes, people give their two cents when a wedding is being planned, but most people still feel that it’s the “bride’s day.” I know it belongs to the couple, but usually the bride is more into the details than the groom.
Anyway, I would take it as a warning sign of things to come, and I would speak to him to get a sense of whether he is the kind of guy that can stand up to mom or one who will opt to convince you to cave to his mother’s demands too just to keep the peace with mom.
There definitely needs to be some balance here. I agree w/the others-talk to him. If you two can’t talk, you shouldn’t be getting married.
Also, think about when and if you decide to have kids. Will your husband take dear mommy’s advice or side w/you if you disagree on how to raise your child? Motherly opinions are all well and good but if you feel strongly about something-your husband needs to back you up. I hope this is all just wedding planning that has your groom just wanting to keep the peace. Otherwise I’m afraid this pattern could just get worse.