How to start a long distance relationship?

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Dear Guys,

I recently met a man and really hit it off with him, even though we only spent about a week together. The problem is he lives a two hour plane ride away. We’ve kept in touch via texting and it’s been getting very suggestive. I want to see if this could potentially be a relationship but is he just in it for phone/cyber sex? I’m not sure if I should go with it and see what happens or back off?


Dear Olivia,

Thanks for writing to us.

It’s hard to say what this guy wants. But if you’re really interested in pursuing this more you need to get to know him much better.

The first way to do this is talk to him as much as possible. We know that texting-especially of the suggestive nature-can be fun, but it’s keeping the relationship in the fantasy realm which is always sexy and seductive, but not going to help you gather the information you need to figure out if you want to pursue a relationship with him. And since you live a good distance from each other you need to up the actual conversation to find out more about him-his friends, interests, job, family- and then hopefully find out about what he wants-casual relationship, committed relationship, marriage, or a fling.

Of course ultimately the best way to find out about him is to get together in person. You don’t mention how the two of you met but we assume from your cautious tone that maybe you met online. It doesn’t seem like he’s a friend of a friend or anything like that. So if you do get together maybe it should be on your terms and your turf. If he’s really interested he’ll be willing to do whatever he can to see you, which includes abiding by the guidelines you set.

If you really want to explore this but don’t feel you know him well enough, then have him stay at a hotel while he visits you. That way he’s not actually staying with you while he visits. You always have the option of inviting him to stay, but at least this doesn’t throw you into an uncomfortable position of having to move faster than you’re ready to. It’s also not a bad thing to proceed with a little caution since you don’t know him that well.

If for some reason you decide to visit him, we suggest the same thing. You should stay with a friend in that city, or at a hotel, just so you can have a little bit of separation for you to think, and remove yourself from the intensity that is part of any long distance relationship, and any “activities” he may be encouraging you to engage in.

But first and foremost start talking to him as much as possible. If he resists or doesn’t seem like he wants to put the time into really getting to know you, then he probably is looking for just a hook up.

Keep us posted. And good luck.


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64 Comments on How to start a long distance relationship?

  1. Hi GUYS,
    I was on a bus ride home today when i met this guy both of us coming from new York. He lives in new York and i reside in pensacola fl. So anyway i initiated the conversation by asking how old he was. Has 28. Works for apple as a consultant. We spoke of his passion and mine for singing and he came and sat by me for the hour ride he had left. We spoke of how we started music we like and then he added me on Facebook. I told him id ask for his number but i don’t have minutes and he said he was going to turn his phone off to just hit him up on Facebook. That has always on. And said why did i wait till 30 minutestill his spot to talk to him. Is he genuinely interested or just being nice?

  2. @Esther……Well this is interesting and fun. It’s way too soon to know. What kinds of things did you talk about? Our main suggestion: Let him do all of the initiating. He should be the one asking for your number, your email. He should be the one contacting you and making an effort to keep in touch if that’s truly what you both want to do. Then you’ll really know if he’s interested or just being nice.

  3. Hi. We moved to Richardsbay a few weeks ago I got guy on bbm we’re talking everyday now I saw him at the beach the other day I was to scared to say hi to him he didn’t see me at all that night I told him I saw him over bbm and he said sorry for not seeing me and stuff and now I’m starting to like him but I don’t know if he likes me he will always send me hugs and immediatly notices when I’m a bit down. But know I don’t know if he’s only using me or he’s really into me? Were meeting for the first time tomorrow and I don’t know what to expect! Any help please? He’s only 2 years older then me

  4. @Denise…….It’s hard to say. You don’t give us a whole lot to go on. Why don’t you see what happens and ask a question when you have a better sense of what’s what. It seems like he’s into you, but to what extent is difficult to surmise. Keep us posted. And thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends.

  5. I met a man at a wedding over a year ago. He was from out of town and stayed about a week. From the moment we met we hit it off very well. Spent the whole week together, even after the wedding. I didn’t think anything of it I mean everyone hears about hook up’s at weddings. So I just decided to have fun knowing I would never see him again. While we were together over the week everyone thought we were a couple we were so hooked on each other. He even made the comment of me visiting him where he lives, asked about how long of a drive or if it would be better to fly. I made the excuse I get car sick (I heard before I met him that he gets women easy and I didn’t want to be a long distance booty call). So after that he never made an attempt to ask me out his way again. Over the year I would send him a random messages and he would send me one every once in a while. In December I made a comment on his facebook and then we really got started talking. This guy recently move to another city, so he kept making the comment when am I coming out to visit. Most of our talks are brief; I’m not an open person and have a hard time communicating with people I don’t know. However, once my wall comes down I don’t shut-up. He hasn’t gotten past my wall yet; I’m still reserve about what we talk about. I decided I needed to get away and booked a plane ticket to see him, on his invite of course. This was soo out of my box, but I just remember the way I felt last time I was with him and wanted to feel that again. While out there I had a great time, like we did over the wedding only less alcohol was involved. This was only for two days. In the end I had the same feeling like I’ve known him forever. We were able to pick up where we left off as if there wasn’t a huge time difference since last time we saw each other. I did get to know him better because we spent a lot of time driving. After asking many questions and talking for two days straight I realized we have a lot in common. He however didn’t really ask me much. When it was time to go to the airport I asked about work and if he gets free time what places he’d want to go to, I dropped the hint about coming to visit me. When leaving we didn’t talk about seeing each other again nor did we talk about what it is we’re doing. He did let me know he had a really good time and was glad I came. Now I’m wonder where do we go from here? I think I should just play it out and see what happens? What if I was just the out of town booty call? I really don’t know what to do next? I do know I that the way I feel about him when I’m around him I haven’t felt like that before or with any other guy.

  6. I just experienced an amaaaazing long wkend in the Bahamas with a college “friend” I had not seen in 23 yrs!! The chemistry was electric, comfort level exceedingly high- I was essentially swept off my feet!! Very nice at 45 (he is 42) after a string of distastrous connections. . . We both decided to start a relationship, albeit long distance, and see where it takes us. He wants to “make it happen” and meet me in the states later this month during my spring break. His job is way demanding, btw and plans to return to the states with new gig by next Jan.

    I feel like after a week I have come down from the giddiness and I am crashing because the communication waters seem muddy. What is the protocol when starting out or is it for he and I to decide? Even prior to the visit, which was a good 4-5 weeks’ build up, he rarely initiated communication but was quick, energetic and sweet in his responses. Still is– do I just lay low and wait for him to call etc.? He knows I can’t call b/c of the expense and when we left each other, he said there will be many, many calls- just put “call me” in the subject line of the email and I will call you. Is he used to being led? I want him to call b/c he wants to call, not because I have asked him to.

    I have not emailed him in 2 days b/c I don’t think I should be the one doing all the work, even if I do have more time on my hands. When you want to communicate with a special someone, you make time. I am weary of men, it is hard for me to trust and hope to H-LL this guy is one of the “good ones” like he says he is. Advice? Thank you. As you can tell, I am very smitten but I do need to protect my heart.

  7. @CTChick…..First of all, thanks again for your donation. We do appreciate it! Your instincts are spot on. We’re still old-fashioned in the sense that we believe the guy should be taking the initiative. Although your situation is slightly different since it’s long distance, and you have a previous connection. However, it’s not his lack of communication that bothers us more than the fact that he doesn’t realize how important it is for him to show you that he’s interested. We would think by 42 he would have enough understanding of how relationships work to know that asking a woman to text him first so he can call later is kind of lame. To us it shows one of three things. 1. Insecurity, and a lack of confidence. 2. A guy who’s used to getting his way. 3. Cluelessness …..We’re not trying to rain on your parade, but we don’t see how this long distance relationship is going to work if this is his idea of effort and communication. It’s very likely he’s a good guy. (You would know better than us.) But is he also aware? That’s the question that you’ll need to figure out in the coming months. Hopefully this will work itself out. It does sound like he’s into you. We just hope he knows what it takes to be in a relationship. And long distance relationships require even more effort and communication. Any more questions? Thoughts?

  8. Hey guys, I already shot you an e-mail, and it’s the same subject as this. I’m reaaaaaally impatient, no pressure. But I was wondering when I’m going to get a reply back and how, through e-mail or on this site?

  9. Dear guys,
    I got the e-mail and thought that it would just be easier to put my question on here. Ok, so I met a guy, online… I know, I know, it’s dangerous and all that. But I really like him. I also really think he isn’t lieing to me about who he is. We have talked for a few weeks, and for hours on end. I mean hours, we once talked for 8 hours straight. So I really think he is interested in me, not future benefits. We have a lot in common and I really like him and I’ve told him so. He says he feels the same way but he has a long distance girlfriend. I’m really glad it didn’t crash and burn at that moment like it does with usual guys. We still talk and I like him even more. I’m just wondering, should I still talk to him, I really want something more. I’m not going to pressure him and push him away. Should I continue thinking it could work, or should I just give up on that dream, be realistic, and be a good friend?

  10. @Alex……The question you should ask yourself is: If he has a girlfriend why is he on an online dating site? That said, it doesn’t hurt to talk to him, but we’d be very cautious here and proceed slowly. We get the sense he’s not representing himself accurately. Trust your gut Alex.

  11. Hey guys. Here is my situation. I went to new york for the 4th of july weekend and I met this guy. He is one of my cousin’s realllyyy good friend. The night we met we hit it off great. We were talking for a bit and having a great night with everyone. The second day, on saturday we were connected some more. We went to brunch with everyone had a few drinks. We even shared a drink back at my hotel room with everyone. Saturday night we got even closer and we hooked up. My flight was sunday evening and saturday he told me he didnt want me to leave and that he loved me(we were both drunk). Now we’ve been texting a bit but im not sure if he’s really intertested so not.

  12. @Rutu…..It’s too soon to know. See how this plays out over the course of a month. However, it’s likely you shared a fun weekend and now it’s back to reality.

  13. So, another one here…I met a guy online, he contacted me and said if I was ever in his town, I should let him know, he would show me around. That was about 10 months ago. That led to a phone call at thanksgiving and a few back and forths by text. On July 4th he contacted me out of the blue to say hello and ask when I would be in town. It turned out about a month later ii had a business reason to be in town and friends in the area, so I extended. The date was a whole day of sightseeing, and he seemed smitten and mentioned maybe coming to my town to see me.

    The one issue was that I unexpectedly was leaving for Latin America for a week and a half after the trip. He did follow up the next day saying what a great time he had and was looking forward to seeing me again. We had a nice back and forth until I left. When I arrived in chile, he had texted me something silly, and I responded including that I would not be checking that phone much and he could feel free to text me on my work phone. I did not hear anything back, but I did not think I would until I was back stateside. In addition, he had not been online on the site for a week. I texted him again 5 days later just saying hello and wishing him a great weekend, and it looks like he has been back online. Could his interest have faded that fast? Was I overstepping? I have only contacted him once where it was not a responce.

    Or are we both free agents, and just wait to see if he calls when I get home? I have not responded to his text responding to my hello, he did not ask any questions. I know it is possible he could really like me, and not want to do long distance… Thoughts?

  14. Oh, just one other thing, I don’t get home until Wednesday? Was it ok to check in? I would normally not do that unless I was out of town. My plan is to not contact him again, unless he initiates. I suppose the momentum may have dropped…

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