I cheated on him; should I tell him the truth

• angelbaby 2013-02-20 20:46:45 said:

  @theguys I do feel that the relationship can work with my ex. I am still in love with him. My current boyfriend is possessive but doesn't make me feel special it anything. Im not happy with him at all. But I do feel special with my ex. But idk how to tell my current Bf its over cuz he's controlling and he kinda scares me

• One of the Guys 2013-02-19 14:44:22 said:

  @angelbaby......Okay, ask yourself this. Do you think a relationship can really work with your ex? You may be in love with him but that doesn't mean you're meant to be together? But that's a separate issue than your current boyfriend. You need to think about them separately. First decide if you want to be with your current boyfriend? Do you feel the way you want to feel? Then based on what you decide, figure out what you want to do about your ex. Don't lump the two together. That's not the best way to go about making important decisions in your life. ONe at a time.

• angelbaby 2013-02-19 12:20:46 said:

  @theguys I do still miss my ex and I feel I made a horrible mistake leaving. My ex wants me to come back home and fix everything. Now I love the guy im with but im not in love with him. He's sweet and everything but I mean he's not the best for me. He doesnt hold me or kiss me or anything. He says he loves me but always hides everything from me. So should I tell him? I mean I love him but im still in love with my ex.

• One of the Guys 2013-02-19 07:01:35 said:

  @angelbaby.....Thanks for sharing. Now we have a better sense of what's going on. So our questions to you are: Why do you think this happened? Do you miss your ex? Do you wish you were still with him? Are there problems in your current relationship? To us, before you do anything, you need to come up with answers to those questions. When you realize what you actually want then you'll be able to know what to do, if you should tell or not. Because if you're going to break up with this guy and move on there's no point in telling him. If not, then you're going to have to figure out a way to explain it all. Much depends on how you answer the questions we posed.

• angelbaby 2013-02-18 12:41:24 said:

  @theguys yes I did do something im worried about him finding out about. We had went out to the bar one night together and I ended up drinking too much. He came home and fell asleep. I stayed up and got a text from my current ex. We were talking back and forth. Well the chat turned sexual and I ended up having cyber sex and phone sex with my ex. I also sent pics. So how do I explain this and why I did it?

• One of the Guys 2013-02-15 19:24:37 said:

  @Angelbaby.......So what exactly is your question? What actually happened? It's hard for us to answer this without details. Did you do something you're worried about telling him?

• angelbaby 2013-02-15 12:44:43 said:

  Meghan u should probably tell him because holding the secret will destroy u from the inside. I mean face it. No ones perfect. Im not perfect either. Have I cheated? Yes. Have I had good reason to do it? Yes of course. Have I ever admitted it to the person? No. But I had my reasons not to admit it. I feel like wat was done has been done. Move on and forget it. But if u love this guy and want to work the relationship out u should tell him. Not a day goes by that I don't regret that I cheated and never told. Its a terrible feeling that can make u sick. I was in a long term relationship and I really loved my partner. But I let my pride get the best of me. I cheated and was too stubborn to admit wat I did. Instead I left the relationship. Not a day goes by that I DONT regret it. And to this day its still destroying me. This person still wants me back. But now im living with the person I cheated on my first love with and I've cheated on him also. So how do I tell him?

• angelbaby 2013-02-15 12:30:18 said:

  U seem to offer some pretty good advice. I was reading the article and the comments. Maybe u can help me with my little dilemma. Is honesty really the best policy with everything? I mean I understand that u can't lie about everything but there are times a little white lie is better than telling the truth if telling the truth will destroy ur relationship. Most guys live by the don't ask DONT tell theory. Well thats not really the case with my fiancee. He wants honesty with everything. Which brings me to my dilemma is the saying once a cheater always a cheater true? Or can ppl change that? I feel like if there's something that can destroy ur relationship u should keep it in the dark because wat he doesnt know wont kill him right?

• One of the Guys 2013-01-28 17:35:50 said:

  @Clarissa......Glad to hear you're going to try and work this out. Take care and good luck!

• clarissa 2013-01-27 18:11:33 said:

  well..in the end i couldn't stand thinking of myself as a liar, it was worse than the cheating part, so i had to get it out. It was hard on him even with our history. it felt horrible. but we are both in different places in our lives then and we're going to work it out. he thinks we can get through it and so do i. thanks for your help!

• One of the Guys 2013-01-22 09:01:53 said:

  @Clarissa.......Based on everything you've told us and the fact that your relationship was rocky, and the fact that he cheated on you three or four times, we see no reason you need to say anything. The past is the past. We don't see it would do any good, and frankly, he was certainly no angel. What worries us more is this relationship moving forward. We're wondering about your foundation. Do you think it's strong enough to withstand the pressures and stress of a marriage with kid/s? We'd highly recommend couples counseling if you're feeling that things are at all unstable. What do you think? Does this help?

• clarissa 2013-01-21 23:39:07 said:

  I'm married with a new infant. We've been married for almost a year. Before this we had had a rocky courtship and my now husband was not over his ex. it was painful and hard. there were several times that he cheated on me but he was always forthcoming and extremely penitent. what i loved about him was his honesty even though it was painful. i knew he was just broken and i was also having a difficult time sleeping with him because of religious beliefs. In anyway it was extremely frustrating for both of us. It was usually around a fight or time when we were having issues that an indescretion would occur. it was 3-4 times. I forgave him but i had a hard time with it. An ex-flame of mine came into town one night and while i wasn't going to see him after a pretty explosive fight i decided to because i was crest fallen and angry. he told me it was over and dropped me off at home. i was so tired of being treated this way... long story short after talking about my bf the whole night i end up sleeping with my old flame though it was not intentional. i was vulnerable and upset. the next day he called and apologized and said he would make it up to me. I was so upset that the relationship ended soon after that because i couldn't face what i had done and i felt it was time to end it. i dated some one else casually for a little while..but missed the old BF long story short right as that was ending old bf contacts me. i miss him, decide he's who i want to spend my life with, we start hanging out...i get pregnant and engaged within two months... with all that has been going on i buried that indescretion . i don't know why its bothering me now. but it is and i wonder if i should tell him. i chose not to because i thought it would over complicate things and not do anyone any good... now i'm wondering if i should maintain that stance or tell him. ...

• Roxy 2013-01-11 03:43:04 said:

  Thanks for your quick reply, it is very helpful. You ask some good questions. We are not officially in a relationship right now because we really don't know where this is going. Personally, I don't think it will be sustainable to have a long distance relationship that requires us to fly every time we want to see each other. Also, in the back of my mind I am thinking I may be wasting time in this relationship, which may only go further if one of us ultimately decides to move. I currently cannot do that as I am a medical student and have about 5 more years of training ahead of me. He has already mentioned that he is opposed to moving. Thus, from an objective perspective the solution seems simple- maybe we should not continue what we are doing and move on to something more tangible with other people. But I must say that I have never met someone with whom I have such a connection with. He makes me laugh and talking to him makes me happy. That's what's keeping this going. I don't know why I kissed another guy exactly. I met someone I was very attracted to physically, had already had a few drinks, was having a lot of fun, and in the back of my mind I was thinking it may never go somewhere with the guy I'm talking to, so why limit myself? It wasn't until later that the guilt kicked in and and I realized that what I had done was stupid and selfish.

• One of the Guys 2013-01-10 13:33:16 said:

  @Roxy....Well if you're not technically exclusive we see no reason to tell him. UNLESS.......unless this eats away at you enough that you feel the need to tell him. Or if you feel you want to enter into a committed relationship with full disclosure. However, the question is more: Why aren't the two of you exclusive? Maybe it's early, and the circumstances make it difficult to have that discussion, or follow through with that plan, still, until you have that discussion, or know for sure that you're moving forward with him, but we don't see that you owe him too much. And frankly, yes he would be upset, but kissing a guy is not quite the same as sleeping with him. Although, if you were in a committed relationship, we'd consider both cheating. So this is back on you. You've got to make the call. One more question: Why? Why did you do it? Was it because you could? Was it because it was fun? Or does this mean that maybe you're not as into this other guy than you thought?

• Roxy 2013-01-10 03:46:04 said:

  Thanks for the article. I have a similar incident with different details. I met a guy while on vacation this summer. We clicked really well and decided to continue talking to each other. We are talking until now (5 months later), and although we are not official, we have told each other that we are not seeing other people and we trust each other. We are about an hour flight away from each other and are planning to see each other again soon. I just came back from a trip to Vegas and while there I was at a club and danced with and kissed another guy throughout the night. Nothing else happened and I feel guilty about it. I want to tell the guy I'm talking to but I know he will lose his trust in me and since we are already long distance he may choose to end things. I have not yet spoken to him since I have been back because I am unsure of what to do. Your help is appreciated!

• One of the Guys 2013-01-09 06:47:03 said:

  @Veronica........We're sorry. We know this is tough. Here's what concerns us. Every time you have some sort of problem, or you feel dismissed by your boyfriend, or he ignores you, or whatever, you run to the "arms" of another man. This kind of behavior originates from insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Maybe these feelings you have stem from your high school body and high school experiences, but you need to understand that you're a different person now. And it's not that you have bad luck, it's that you're making poor decisions and you need to stop. Okay, enough of the lecture. What should you do? He already knows you cheated once right? And you're going to therapy to try and work through your issues, right? It seems to us that you're doing what you can to try and make things right. What are the chances he finds out about this other guy? If Random Guy #2 were the only guy you cheated on him with we'd probably encourage you to tell him, but since this has been going on in your relationship for a while—the infidelity—then we don't see a clear answer here. It's up to you. Of course if he finds out later that you did cheat, it will be worse. Thoughts? In conclusion: We can't tell you what to do. What is your gut telling you to do? Can you live with the guilt?

• Veronica 2013-01-09 02:03:14 said:

  I'd like to add that I feel extremelu selfish, and am agonyzing everytime he looks at me in the eyes and tells me how much he loves me and cant wait to get married. We are building a future together and have been there for each other but im so terrified of losing the only man I've ever loved. I feel weak like a hypocritical p.o.s. for having done it. I care for my bfs welfare in everything from the socks on his feet, to what he eats, finances, etc. I feel like we are one except for this. If and when he finds out how do I get up? This by far has been the toughest thing to live with. Ever.

• Veronica 2013-01-09 01:40:46 said:

  Ill keep it short. Nooot. I made a big mistake. My bf of 1 1/2 years and I got into a terrible fight in the summer, this fight was bc he once again brought up me "cheating" on him. (Back story: we live 3 hours away from each other, four months into our relationship I slept with whom I thought was some random man from my alma matter, my bf had been ignoring me for the entire week claiming it was his bday week, so he decided to go wild five days straight. At first i was concerned bc he had drug abuse problems in the past. When i got ahold of him he was a jerk and told me to give him space. So I broke up with him that night a big group of ny girlfriends invited me out. HERE'S THE KEY WE WERE BROKEN UP HE EVEN TOLD ME HE DIDN'T CARE THAT I DUMPED HIM. Im going to be real I cheated before in the prior relationship and since his misconduct was well - epic. I rebuttaled by breaking up with him the same night I met mr. Random That was until one fateful night 3 months later after we got bacjk together we are in his home town we walk into a liquor store and guess who comes in and hugs by man hello? YUP It turns out Mr. Random and my man are high school friends. So as I turn pale not knowing what to do my bf see's the look on my face. After we left the store he asked if I may have known mr random since he knoows we attended the same University. It took me 8 excruciatingly painful months to wither out the truth because like the rest of the women on here the guilt was killing me. These two men went to the same barbershop as well, and my bf always threatened to ask him. The thing is even if u t was for an instant we were broken up and at that moment I felt the feeling that a lot of you may have felt. I felt and know the following things were all up in my mind: A. A horrible lack of attention from my bf, stemming from a crap load of teenage based anguish and insecurities. I was a fatty in high school and became pretty good looking in college. The fat girl in me has insecurities that aren't gone. B. I felt good at the fact that I could still get his attention. C. I had lots of drinks in me D. I had self-deliniated the terms of my current immediate "single" E. In that moment I had no regard for the consequences of my actions how much they'd hurt him and myself later on. And finally... I had ni regard to my bf's memory to till this day says that no we were in fact together. So heres the screw up, we get into this fight last summer, he proceeds to tell me " your vagina is loose have you been with Mr. RANDOM??" SOOOO I freaked ran out crying got a hotel room that night, but I had company over. A very handsome guy I met a few weeks before and took his number telling myself I wouldnt do it. But I did. It really was just sex but I knew deep down I was wrong. I felt like a whore, but I was hurt and tired of my bfs accusations. The next day he apologized and told me he was having a hard time being intimate, afterall it had only been a month of me telling. I walked into a small family owned super market by my bfs house and guess who I see ? Mr. Random 2, who us my bfs aquiantance, and knows a bunch of his close friends. I told random 2 that I had a bf he said he did not care and that he is a dr ama free guy who doesn't like trouble. I swear im not evil I just have very bad luck. My relationship is pretty close to perfect now and were going to therapy but the guilt is killing me. I love him and what I did is unjustified. The other night he told me that if I ever cheated again to never tell him. To leave a note and never come back because he doesn't know what he'd do. It almost sounded like a threat, and my man is a gun enthusiast that is p acking a whole arsenal. What should I do? Tell me honestly guys please? Im tired of my shrink.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-14 04:42:51 said:

  @Hagenjeane.......What we've told many of the women in this forum is: This is as much about you as your boyfriend. Questions: Can you live with your secret? Do you know for a fact that you'll never cheat again? Do you need to tell your boyfriend? What would happen if you told him? What would happen if he found out in some other way? Is that possible? Considering the circumstances of your relationship, and the fact that you were trying to break up with him, and the fact that at your age things can get confusing pretty quickly, we'd say: Unless you can't live with yourself, or unless your boyfriend will find out some other way, maybe you should chalk this up to a mistake that will never happen again. And then refocus your efforts on being a loving and loyal girlfriend. What do you think? (We suggest you read a lot of the other questions/answers on this forum. It might help you see that you're not alone here.) Thoughts? ps. We hope you'll do us a favor and share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Hagenjeane 2012-11-13 23:14:10 said:

  we got together the beginning of it senior year, we were together for a year and during that year I had a best guy friend, well right after our one year anniversary, my bf left out of state and I started spending a lot of time with my friend. Now, me and my bf were MADLY in love! so so much. but he started treating me bad and I tried to leave him but he wouldn't let go. well, about a week before we broke up I slept with my guy friend just once and after I cried and cried and a week later me and my bf broke up. we were still friends but it hurt like hell, I regretted cheating so much! well I pushed my guy friend out of my life and then my bf (ex at this time) left to the Army and asked me to wait for him, I said yes and w are still in love and he wants to marry me after his basic training. he has no idea I cheated and I haven't slept with anyone else and I don't want to, now do I tell him after he gets done with training? I write him everyday! Please help! I feel terrible for what I did, and won't EVER do it again. thank you.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-26 06:29:21 said:

  @Rose....One quick question before we answer you: Were you broken up with your ex when you were seeing the new guy? That's what it seems like to us. Fill us in and then we'll give you our opinion.

• rose 2012-09-26 02:36:35 said:

  i was alwas the one man girl and i got him when i was in highscool. since then all my doors to other guys have been closed. Our first year was perfect.. . each day i fell more and more for him. each day i get up thinking about him. was soo... much in love... then towards the mid of the second yr of the relationship one fine day he suddenly said he wants to break up with me. i was shocked out my senses. i went crazy crying ..and then my crying only created more fury in him and it was followed by more abusing and rude behaviour from his side. in a weeks time i looked like i was dead...well i was going to leave for college an i had to except the fact that my man had left me. i had lost almost all hopes . Then the day i am about to leave he calls up and says he wants me back... and that he loved me. k i was all happy again. i went to college...ours was still a long distance relationship. then one day agin he has this thing tht he wants to leave me....and again and again ..it continued. the next two years it was pretty rocky. . each night i cried my self to sleep.....we did not meet for 2 years. then one day he starts talking about his physical needs and how important it is. he is 5 years elder to me . he said he wanted to do it with me. it waas my rule in life i would not do it before marriage. this continued to a fight that almost seemed everlasting.. . then he says again tht he doesent wanna see me again..n all tht rude stuff... and finally i agreed to do it. he came to where i stayed and we took a hotel room and he started off. I practically had no feelings..just stood there letting all tht happen. i was dead of crying and cribbing anyway..i just lay next to him but he did not notice the tears in my eyes... then he went away the next day and did not call for the next 25 days. i figured out he has got what he wanted and he is gone...then on the 26th day i get a message from him saying that he feels guilty and does not have the gutts to talk to me ... he said sorry for hurting me so much. k so we sorted that out tht too. still things werent that smooth. . . frequent fights and all... but still i could not come to leaving him. and then one day he calls me bursts into tears {very unlikely of him} and tells me he had a gf before and tht he loved her still and missed her...this was the last thing i wanted to hear after 5 years of a relationship. i felt like an extra tyre you carry around in case one gets damaged. i understood i had no significcance in his life. i was devastated...i screamed and cried my heart out... next day i go to college looking like i had lost everything in life. still the relationship continue.... in the meantime he does talk about how much he has suffered in life and how scared he is to trust anyone.... he says he didnt tell me all this time cuz he was scared o losing me. well whtevr...i was continuing with him but now i did not feel the same way i felt about him earlier...i was very unsure... after the hotel thing we had not met for 2 years. i have this feelinjg from inside that i wanna move on... and all my friends said tht its time u replace him with someone who deserves you. So one fine day i get a message saying i love you and blah blah.. all nice stuff from some guy.... i reply and then i have a conversation with this new guy.. finally we decide to meet. i wanted my new life to start with a good thing so i told him to meet me at church. he met me...and he liked me...and i liked him too. i thought finally i got the man with whom i can move on.. so we meet a couple of times in restaurants and all... i feel happy with him...and decide to say yess to him. i say yess to him and request him a time of 1 month to end stuff with my ex-bf. i wasnt sure if i wanted to marry this guy cuz i didnt wanna think of anything in future after all my bad experiencwe. we shared a good time , however when we used to hug i never felt the intimacy i used to feel with my ex. well anyway then this guy requests me to get physical.. the way he spoke , the way he cared about me made me feel he loved me and i thought i would also finally fall in love with him eventually.. . not really from within but i agreed to do it. so we used to meet up and do it frequently....and then he would cook for me and it was truly like i had dreamt of a relationship...i was happy...but didnt love him{i expected it will happen soon} k so this continues till 3 months and i had not stopped talkin gto my ex. i just couldnt. by the end of three months i find out this new guy was a jerk and he sleeping with 2 girls at the same time. there was nothing left of me to be broken. finally i tell my ex about it {except the physical part} and he forgives me. then he comes to my place for an year and we live together and all problems got erased...now we r perfectly happy together. he doesent treat me like **** anymore and i love him too...but it kills me tht he doesent know. pls help. wht do i do..... Now he is so passionate about me that it is hard to believe that this is the same guy who had hurt me so much once upon a time. He has made up all of that to me by his unconditional love for me now. i dont wanna spoil it. i cant bear to lose him once more. what should i do. . . ?? he is not the kind of guy who can accept something like this. he feels i belong to him. I cant come to telling him and breaking him from within. The worst part is he is not in good terms with his family and he finds me as his support and reason ti live. this guilt is killing me on one side and telling him all this and hurting him is scaring me. PLsssssss help..!!!!!!!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-24 13:02:15 said:

  @Sarah.....Then move on. And treat it as a good reminder of how you don't want to be. Not everyone would learn from their mistake, but you seem like the kind of person that already has. And you're already beating yourself up enough. That seems like enough punishment don't you think? And on the "cheating spectrum"—if there even is such a thing, since some people would say cheating is cheating—your behavior was pretty tame compared to much of what we hear. So stop fretting. You told him enough. (Believe us, he's no dummy. He knows that you didn't tell him every detail. But you covered yourself.) And try to move forward. And last thing. Not to get preachy on you, but you really do have to forgive yourself Sarah. Truly. We all do stupid things, that doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you human. And the good news, you've probably skipped about three levels in your evolution with this incident. Take care and let us know if we can help with anything else. And please spread the word about our site. Thanks.

• Sarah 2012-09-24 02:24:50 said:

  Basically he started kissing my neck and touching me. I didn't do anything. I didn't tell my boyfriend how long i allowed it to happen for which was maybe like a minute or less. I told him I pulled away straight away. I don't want to lie to him I feel horrible, but I definitely have learnt and I know I would never ever do it again.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-23 19:53:41 said:

  @Sarah.....Well, it's good that you told him. And he took it well, so that's also positive. So what exactly happened? You kind of alluded to it. Maybe it's something that you could tell your boyfriend? Or maybe it wasn't so bad that you don't have to tell him? And even if he finds out you could still spin it so it didn't sound horrible? You didn't actually lie, you just omitted some details. We're not trying to help you get away with a crime, but we're trying to see if you can move on from this without it eating away at you, and damaging the foundation of your relationship. It's important to learn from your mistakes, but maybe the consequences don't have to be so dire. So can you tell us? It might help us understand what you're faced with.

• Sarah 2012-09-23 17:32:55 said:

  Okay so I told him what happened not to the full extent though, just that my ex had pushed himself onto me. He was fine with it but asked me to stay away from him and not talk to him which I can deal with. However I still have kind of a guilty feeling and I still feel scared that he may find out the whole truth, how can I deal with this? Will it get better in time?

• sarah 2012-09-21 13:13:20 said:

  I shall tell him that then about my ex coming to my house. Thankyou so much for your guidance, ill let you know how I get on. Thanks again, I will definitely recommend your site

• One of the Guys 2012-09-21 13:09:47 said:

  @Sarah......That seems reasonable. We know you feel very remorseful and upset over this. You made a mistake like everyone does countless times in their lives. Here's how you make up for it. You refocus, and you be a loving and committed person to your boyfriend. But don't go too far the other way. Relationships are about balance, and sometimes people who feel guilty give away their balance of power, and that's not good for the relationship either. Just be happy that you have a person in your life that you care about, and who cares about you. And then try to build something special with him. (If that's meant to be.) Good luck. You can do this. Keep us posted and ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. We're hoping you'll share our site with friends. And on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google plus or wherever you frequent. We'd appreciate it. Thanks!

• Sarah 2012-09-21 12:56:24 said:

  Okay well would it make sense to tell him that my ex came to my house and that we had a catch up and stuff but not the full details of what happened and tell him that I went to hug him and he took it the wrong way? At least then I'm covered and if he ever does hear anything at least I've already told him the bare bones of what happened? :( I don't know what is best to do

• One of the Guys 2012-09-21 12:51:23 said:

  @Sarah....Thanks for filling us in. You may not have feelings for your ex anymore, but often the "door" stays open for a long time after a break up. Sometimes it takes a mistake like you made to finally close the door for good; but hooking back up with an ex is very common. Luckily you were able to stop it before it went too far. If you know you're never going to stray again we don't see the point in telling your boyfriend. He may understand if you tell him, but you run that risk that he won't. However, the only issue is the one you bring up. Do you trust your ex-boyfriend, or whomever he shares it with? Do you run in close circles with him? Would your current boyfriend ever run into him? Worst case scenario, your boyfriend hears it from someone else; if that happens he'll be much more upset than he would be if you told him. So herein lies the issue: The indiscretion is more forgivable in some ways BECAUSE it was your ex, and this stuff happens. But since it was your ex, it brings it closer to home, and thus there's more of a chance your boyfriend will find out. (We're not saying he's going to, but all possibilities need to be considered.) We don't know how far things went during your "moment" but it sounds like he kind of pushed himself on you. (Not saying he forced himself, but more prodded and poked.) Could it be spun that way? And that you went to hug him goodbye and he took it the wrong way?

• sarah 2012-09-21 10:10:09 said:

  I'm 19, I've been broken up with my ex for a year and I've been with my new boyfriend for 8 months, I really do not have feelings for my ex.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-21 09:45:47 said:

  @Sarah......Okay, we understand. This happens more than you might imagine, especially with an ex. How long have you been broken up with your ex? How long have you been with your current boyfriend? That info might help shed a bit more light on what happened. (For us, and for you.) Let us know and we'll get back to you. (How old are all of you?) For now, until we get back to you, stop beating yourself up. You're not perfect. No one is. Hang in there.

• sarah 2012-09-21 09:12:52 said:

  Hi guys I'm in such a horrible situation and I don't know what to do. Basically last night I saw my ex before he went back to university, I hadn't planned this visit he just turned up at my door anyway we sat in his car chatting for a while and anyway I was saying goodbye he gave me a hug but began touching me, I didn't stop him to begin with but I soon realised what was happening and I stopped straight away, immediately I burst into floods of tears and this carried on for hours. I felt so guilty and sick, my current boyfriend is perfect and I know he would never ever hurt me in this way and. I love him to bits. I just can't believe what I've done. My ex promised me he wasn't going to tell my boyfriend but that he would need to tell his girlfriend what happened. I just don't know what to do, I've never cheated before and I never though I would especially on someone that I love so much, I feel like the best thing to do would not be to tell him because it would only hurt him and cause trust issues when I know I wouldn't ever do it again. But then I'm still worried my ex may let it slip and he could find out that way, I'm torn up, I can't lose him he'll be heartbroken :(

• One of the Guys 2012-09-20 07:10:00 said:

  @A.....Thanks for giving us an update, and even more importantly, thanks for sharing your views on this topic in general. We hope the two of you can work through this, and like you said, build some trust back up in your relationship. All the best and good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going and if we can help in the future. And we'd appreciate it greatly if you could spread the word about our site wherever....friends, Facebook, Twitter, PInterest, etc. Thanks!

• A 2012-09-20 06:58:40 said:

  Just an update. I did tell my boyfriend and, while he was upset, we are working through it on the agreed understanding that this boy and I can no longer be friends, and that we need to build back some trust in this relationship. Ironically, a similar situation happened with him this summer, which I had to find out through other people, so while I suppose saying that we're even isn't really the best approach to the situation, at the very least it has all come out in the open and we understand that we've got a lot of work to do if we want any hope of this working. I really appreciate your help and insight, so thank you. As an aside, I think for myself, the best possible decision I could have made was to tell him. I know I can't/won't speak for everyone, because each relationship is different, but I just know how crappy it feels to not have someone own up to something, and I don't ever want to be that person

• One of the Guys 2012-09-17 20:14:31 said:

  @Kathryne...Well this is good news. We're happy for you, both of you. Good luck. We hope the two of you have come to a better understanding. Keep in touch, and all the best.

• kathryne 2012-09-17 19:35:29 said:

  Just wanted to give an update on the situation. I went over to his house and asked him to go for a walk with me so I drove us to a local trail and he asked what I wanted to talk about. I came clean and he was very calm, holding my hand the whole time, asking questions. I was very surprised and happy that he didnt get angry and yell at me. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said of course. I apologized and said I would never make that mistake again and told him how much he meant to me and how important it was to tell him so that our relationship can grow. I didnt even have to bring any conflicts that I have been having with his behaviour because he brought it up and said he would stop which made me really happy. We then went on to talk about our future together and even later that night he brought up getting engaged, and getting a place together later on in are relationship. I also stated that in future fights/arguments we cant bring up what each of us had done, and that we should just leave it and move on and he fully agreed with me. He also told me that he danced with a girl (which im not upset with at all) after I asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me. Later that night he picked up my phone and looked at who I had on my bbm, I didnt care much that he did that because I dont have anything to hide. I then told him he can look at my phone anytime as I want him to fully trust me again which I know will take time. I am very happy that I told him and I was prepared for the worst but hoped for the best, and thats what I got :) I just wanted to say another thankyou for your advice!

• kthryne 2012-09-16 09:37:58 said:

  Thank you so much. This has helped me realize a lot. I don't understand why he does act like that but then wants to get a place with me and talks about marriage and kids (he's older, but obviously doesn't act like it sometimes) I will let u know how it goes, I hope that my courage doesn't fade when I see him!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-16 09:28:07 said:

  @Kathryne.....ps. You have the "right" to feel however you feel and so does he. There's no right or wrong when it comes to emotions.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-16 09:27:02 said:

  @kathryne.....Definitely have the talk someplace where the two of you can be alone. Go take a car ride and sit in the car and talk. Or go for a walk. Someplace where there are no distractions. Based on his behavior be prepared for anything. It seems he already has one foot out of the door. Even if you hadn't done what you did, his behavior is enough to warrant a serious conversation on where your relationship is going. He's not acting the way a loyal and committed boyfriend should act. Quite the contrary. So even if you confess to him, be clear that he's no saint. You know Kathryne, sometimes relationships run their course. (We may have mentioned this before.) Sometimes it's just time. He certainly is acting that way, and you've had your doubts even though you seem recommitted. But, sometimes people hold on the hardest when things seem to be slipping away. And sometimes they're holding on for all the wrong reasons. Something to ponder perhaps. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

• kthryne 2012-09-16 08:53:17 said:

  Also, should I offer to give the gifts that I just received last week back to him?

• kthryne 2012-09-16 08:50:47 said:

  Thanks for your advice guys. I just wanted to ask a couple more questions. My boufriend lives with his parents, and I live with mine. I also go to school during the week and come back on weekends. I was just wondering, where should I have this talk with him? In both of our houses we don't get very much privacy.Should I say 'let's go for a walk?' Or is that going to make him question why we are going for a walk? Also, is it bad to do it the night before I go back to school? I also wanted to give you an update on his behaviour. I just found out yesterday that last weekend when we went out for my birthday he grabbed one of my friends boobs (second time he has done this when he was drunk). I meantion this to him through text saying that I wasn't mad (knowing what I have done) and that I just thought he should know. He called me later last night when he was at a friends house for his friends gf's birthday. In the middle of our conversation a girl grabbed his phone and said hi, blanks girlfriend! You should be here!' Obviously I was like who is this? And then he came back on ans said okay I have to go drink cuz they are calling me to play a game...I'm was just like wtf. I tried not getting upset, and all my friends that I was with were asking why I was so calm about it, when really I just feel like I can't get upset with him because of what I have done. Anyways, I sent him a message saying that I was upset at the fact that some random girl grabbed his phone and then when I asked him about it he just left me hanging. He appologized (when he's already wasted). Anyways I guess I'm trying to say would it be the best time to bring up my mistake later today when we see eachother? Do I have a right to still get upset about his behaviour and to talk about that too?

• One of the Guys 2012-09-15 15:19:27 said:

  @Sam....Well, we're glad you feel like this is a safe and easy place to share what's on your mind and in your heart. It sounds like you really love him. We actually think he loves you too. But he's wounded and not just because of your indiscretion. He could feel you growing and changing and that felt threatening to him. He could sense your expanding curiosity with the world around you and he started feeling like he was getting left behind. And he was at least from what you describe. (All the more reason for him to sit on his butt. He probably thought, what's the point? I can feel her moving away anyway.) Maybe you now realize the relationship could accommodate your growth, but the issue is, he hasn't grown along with you. And that annoys you, or rather annoyed you, enough to do what you did. You love him, but you also don't want to feel stuck with someone who isn't going to evolve along with you. That doesn't mean he has to be your identical twin, it just means he needs to be just as committed to personal growth as you. He's not. So in order for this relationship to even have a chance of working, he needs his space and so do you. He needs to grow some to catch up to you, and when he does, he may feel strong enough to forgive you. You need to keep processing your own growth and understand how that works within a relationship. Ironically, most of this will be done with reflection, either by yourself, or talking to other people about it. We have hope that you might get back together, but we don't think you should focus on that. Instead try to focus on supporting him as a friend, and being a cheerleader for a while. And see if you can gain some goodwill and trust back.

• Sam 2012-09-15 14:00:21 said:

  Hey guys, In terms of his weight gain, I'm honestly not sure I could tell you the reasons behind it. If I had to guess, sadly, I think the deepest the reason gets is fundamental laziness. We were both really comfortable with each other (maybe too comfortable?) and it's almost as if we felt the need to stop "impressing" one another. First it was 10 pounds, and he would always talk about needing to get to the gym, etc. Then it was 20, and it just kept slipping farther away from him, to the point that he probably felt there was nothing he could do about it. He works a really long week, doesn't like working out in the morning, and no matter how sincerely he plans to work out after his workday is over, he is always so tired that it doesn't happen. In terms of it being all about the sex--I agree. As I said, I think if he could somehow get over the visual in his head of me with this other guy, he would be giving me a second chance. I think he understands and believes that this wasn't an emotional betrayal, and sadly he knows it happened because I was feeling really hurt by him. He can't stop kicking himself for turning down my invite to stay with me that night. In terms of the hookup though--I did not have sex with the other guy. The entire hookup lasted about 15 minutes, and when I realized that I was being totally used and suddenly came to clarity about what the hell I was doing, I promptly ended it and showed the guy the door. There was no passion in the hookup at all--it was gross and lonely and there was zero chemistry. But I'm sure my boyfriend (ex i guess :/ ), despite knowing those details, has it playing totally differently in his head. Deleted the guy's number, blocked his facebook, no contact since, and don't plan on interacting with him ever again. As I mentioned before, I already forgave him for two emotional indiscretions. I guess in a way deep down I'm feeling like it's not fair that he let me forgive him twice (and it was a hell of struggle but we did get through it) but I make one mistake and he's walking away. And I think that's why I'm struggling with the thought of him getting with another girl. I know he has every right to do so, especially since we're broken up, but I'm fairly certain that if he doesn't, it isn't going to be to see genuinely if someone out there is better suited for him than I am. It's going to be because he feels like he's evening the playing field, but to me that won't solve anything. Not to mention, as I said, I've already forgiven him for two betrayals. I asked him if it was fair of me to request that he not have sex with anybody else before deciding whether or not he's going to give our relationship another chance--because I didn't have sex. He told me last Sunday night that he wouldn't, but that he still wasn't closed to the idea of being with other people. It seems, however, that everything he said last Sunday is totally in the gutter now. Whatever overcame him that night and made him so open to forgiving/wanting to be with me, obviously disappeared, because every day since has been horrible. He's at a big party school, and last night was his first night up there and already he went out to a party. If he's drunk enough, I'm not so sure he'll care enough to refrain from having sex with somebody else. I'm honestly not sure how I will handle that. I think whatever chance we have of working things out might be totally destroyed if he has revenge sex. Will his anger fade? Do you guys have any idea how long it's going to be before he can really stop being haunted by the image of me with this other guy in his head? I'm fearful that he'll just hold on to the anger as a way of keeping me out. We've been staying in touch regularly through texting, because he refuses to see me or speak with me over the phone. I always let him come to me first. I'm not starting any conversations because I don't want to push him. It's hard because I feel like not seeing me in person will make it easier for him to stay angry--but I guess there's nothing I can do--I won't get to see him until he feels ready. In terms of why I did it--I've done a lot of self reflection and I think I really did come across the answer. I was young when I started to date him...18. I went off to college an hour from home, and he was still at home working and in community college taking classes to transfer. Our dynamic was that he would come down once a week for dinner, and I went home every weekend. Literally--until this year--I had never spent a weekend at school. I hadn't really built a social life for myself there. When I went on that school trip in May (it was a 2 week trip to Belize for a class), it was my longest time away from my boyfriend, and that 18 year old girl who stepped away from all her personal development came back and found me. I was flooded with all of this guilt toward myself for having totally missed out on my college experience, and I also felt that there were so many personal changes I needed to have made over the last few years that got set aside for my relationship, mainly because I was afraid that trying to develop personally would have somehow changed the dynamic of the relationship. That was my big oversight--I didn't understand that the relationship would have been able to accomodate my personal growth. So I came back from my trip, and, especially with this other guy in the back of my mind, created some serious emotional distance between my boyfriend and I. We stopped having sex pretty much completely, we weren't as thoughtful toward each other, and I wasn't accepting of all his efforts to fix our relationship because I was too busy pushing him away to try and create this "space" in which I could develop personally, because I thought I needed it. Toward the end of summer, I think he got so tired of trying to fight his way in that he gave up. He started working really long hours and having no time for me at all, etc. The hookup happened 2 weeks after I moved in to school..during which I saw my boyfriend for a total of a few hours. I went home twice to see him. The first time was a Friday night--we had a quick dinner together and then he went out with his friends. Came home at 1am, went to sleep, and picked up and went to work at 10am before I was awake. I then asked him to come visit me mid-week on Wednesday for dinner. He had stayed at work until 1am the night before..so I figured he could have afforded to skip out an hour early to see me...but nope. Then, the Thursday night before the saturday cheating, I went home to see him. Things were okay but pretty tense. He picked up the next morning and went to work and that was it. I asked him to come stay with me Friday night, he didn't want to. I asked him to come to the football game with me Saturday, he didn't want to "be in the way of me hanging out with my friends," despite my telling him that he wouldn't and that I wanted him there. I asked him to stay over on Saturday night, to which I got a tentative yes, only to find out after the game that he wasn't going to come because he had assumed I wanted to go out. He even told me he had invited another friend without even running it by me, and his friend also didn't want to come, so he just didn't feel like it. I got pretty angry at him for his assumptions and told him that all I wanted was a quiet night in with him--only after that did he offer to come down. But I was so hurt that I told him no thanks. I had been working tirelessly for two weeks to spend time with him and my efforts just weren't enough. So that's how it happened. When I invited the guy over, I honestly just wanted company. I thought we'd hang out for a little and he'd leave and I'd go on with my life. But he made a move and I was feeling so hurt and rejected that I was too stupid to say no. It was only after my long letter the following Saturday to my boyfriend that he admitted to me the reason he had been avoiding me. He was so hurt by my telling him I was turned off by his physical inactivity that he was embarrassed to be around me or my friends. That's why he didn't want to come down to school to visit me. He was feeling pretty shitty about himself. And I found out that he had never actually invited a friend Saturday night--he was hoping that it would give him an extra cushion of reasoning for why he wasn't coming to visit. What's sad--and we both know this--is that if he hadn't told me he had invited another friend without my permission, which is was pissed me off most, I would have told him to come still. So, all in all, it's a pretty sad situation that resulted from a big fat summer of me being a shitty girlfriend who was too afraid to work through the problems in my relationship. It took losing him to realize what an idiot I am, and how much I do really want him, and do want to work through all of our problems and be a stronger couple because of it in the future. If he has to go on a couple dates or hook up with another girl to realize that he wants me too, then I need to grin and bear it I guess. I want him that badly. I know that I didn't really ask many specific questions in this...I guess this is just feeling like a really good place for me to get it all out and hopefully get your take on what to do/what to expect/where to go from here. Thanks for everything, Sam

• One of the Guys 2012-09-15 08:33:27 said:

  @Sam.....We're offline in a few minutes and we'll be back later today. If our answer is incomplete feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. First of all we applaud you for your honesty. It takes guts to do what you did. He respects your for that even if he's angry at you and feels betrayed, justifiably so. When a guy gets cheated on it's all about the sex; it's all about him imagining you having sex with this guy. It's a severe blow to the ego. "Why would she seek out another guy? Am I not good enough in bed? Is he bigger than me? Better than me? Hotter than me?" It's all about comparisons for a guy. (Even if that had nothing to do with it.) And obviously he already struggles with that, the feeling that maybe he's not attractive enough for you, or for the other woman who cheated on him in his past relationships. His weight is a symptom of his insecurity. It's not that he doesn't want to look good or take care of himself, it's that he's paralyzed by self-doubt, and likely depressed about something. (We don't know him so we don't like to assume or guess.) But often weight gain is associated with larger issues—no pun intended—going on in a person's life. Maybe he's unsure about the relationship? Maybe he's been feeling like you were going to leave him? Maybe he's been waiting for the ball to drop just like it had in his past relationships and he in some ways orchestrated the outcome by gaining weight and detaching himself. Does that make sense? Now to your question. If he comes back it won't be soon. It's likely he's going to feel the need to be with another woman. He's going to need some time to sort all of this out in his head. He's going to need to time to remember that he does love you. It will be your job to support him on his journey. How? Giving him space, but also reminding him that you love him, you support him, and that you're deeply sorry. Last thought: We think you should really think hard about WHY you did what you did? You say it had nothing to do with you not being attracted to your boyfriend, but we think that requires a bit more investigating. Remember, you need to be honest with yourself. You may deeply love him, but that's not enough for a relationship to endure. There has to be that spark, that chemistry. Ask yourself if that's really there. It's worth exploring. And maybe this time apart will give you some of your own space to think things out. Your thoughts? Please keep us posted and ask as many questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Sam 2012-09-15 02:02:01 said:

  Dear Guys, I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him with all my heart (I'm 21 he's 24). We had a pretty rough summer together for a multitude of reasons, but for me, it was mostly the fact that over the course of our relationship he has gained 40 pounds and no matter what anyone says or does to encourage him, he can't seem to muster up the willingness to get back in shape. I became physically attracted to a guy I went on a school trip with back in May--but nothing inappropriate happened. The summer went by, things not really getting better or worse with my boyfriend, just pretty static (I had asked him at the beginning of summer to get back in shape and no progress was made.) Toward the end of summer, he finally asked me why I had ceased physical intimacy with him. I told him it wasn't because I wasn't physically attracted to him--but that I was turned off by his lack of desire to take care of his body (that part's the truth--I'm still attracted to him). Anyways, I moved back to school (about an hour from home), and he was totally unwilling to come visit me. Too busy with work was his excuse, but for 2 weeks he just couldn't make it work. One night, I had invited him down and he agreed, but he last minute bailed because he had assumed I wanted to go out and be social, never even bothering to ask my plans, when all I had wanted was a quiet night in with him. I was hurt, angry, and feeling neglected, and in the biggest lapse of judgment I've ever made I invited over the guy from my trip back in May, and we hooked up. I didn't sleep with him, however. I woke up in the morning and didn't waste any time deciding I needed to tell my boyfriend. I didn't do it out of guilt--I did it out of a genuine belief that he deserved the truth and that it was in no way fair to let this relationship continue as a lie. I love him more than anything--and it took this stupid, pitiful decision to realize that. I came clean to him on Sunday (Saturday night was the hookup) and he broke up with me on the spot. This is two weeks ago now, and it's been a roller coaster since. We haven't ceased communication at all, per his request (we're pretty dependent on one another...don't know how to get by without each other). I've done everything in my power to make it work so far. I'm there for him when he wants to talk, reserved when he doesn't, etc. I've started individual therapy to explore how I got myself in this position, because for my entire life I've held that I was never a person who would cheat--and I thought that was the truth. I know for certain that I never will again. It's important to note that I've caught him flirting through text with two other girls in the past--which I considered emotional cheating--and I forgave him both times. Last Saturday, nearly a week after breaking up, I wrote him a very lengthy letter about why it happened, how sorry I was, how committed I was to making things work and waiting for him to heal, etc. It made a really big impact--Sunday night he came to see me. Sunday he ended up kissing me a few times, and we spent a couple hours together. They were pretty good--we were able to talk normally, and both felt relaxed in each other's presence. He told me it was no longer a matter of "if" he wanted to get back together, but a matter of "when". I think he believes how much I love him, how remorseful I am, and that I'll never do it again. I thought Sunday was a step forward. Then came Monday, and since then, things have just been going completely downhill (I haven't seen him since last Sunday). The anger of the situation is consuming him, and he says that seeing me Sunday actually made everything worse--that he can't stop imagining me with the other guy (I think if he could get past that, he would give me another chance). He's gone from thinking it was just a matter of time to thinking now that it may not happen at all. That he just doesn't want to be with someone who was ever capable of cheating. He's really terrible at expressing anger. He doesn't like yelling or saying mean things or being aggressive. So he just holds it in and lets it fester. I should mention that he's been cheated on in 4 out of 4 relationships, although before me there's only been one other fairly serious relationship (less serious than ours). He has always walked away, but one of the things he said on Sunday night was that he didn't feel he could just walk away from me because what we have is too special. I understand how much work it will take to regain his trust, and I'm willing to do every ounce of it. If it was reasonable, I'd toss my cell phone in the trash just to ease his mind. We go to different schools--he's starting as a junior this fall at a school two hours north of mine (he just moved in today), but I'd be willing to go up and stay with him every weekend. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. My biggest concern is that he'll build a new happy life at school and decide it's easier to move on and leave me in his past. I ping pong regularly back and forth between feeling like I have a chance and feeling like there's no way he'll ever be able to bring himself to forgive me. I could probably provide a lot more useful information about him (if you'd like it), but I guess my question is really just your take on the situation. He says he isn't sure if he'll date other people--that he isn't looking for anything from anyone but that he also doesn't see a reason to restrict himself, since I guess technically we're broken up. Does this sound to you like a guy who can forgive? Is there anything I can do to help him move past what happened, hopefully with the best case scenario being us getting back together? Should I just love him enough to set him free? (I really don't feel I deserve him, but on the flip side I feel like we're truly meant to be together and that I'm too young to have realized that I had the tools to solve our relationship issues--now I know). I honestly don't know if he's the kind of guy who will "revenge" cheat--but what do I do if he does? Sorry this is so disjointed and frantic, with lots of asides and parentheses. Really any input would be helpful. Sad and hopeful, Sam

• One of the Guys 2012-09-14 13:24:08 said:

  @Kathryne.....Well, his behavior is not so different than yours. (And that's only the behavior you know about, or what he's told you. We've got to think something must have come from all of his inquiries.) Anyway, have you decided for sure you want to tell him? If you have, it's best to do it as soon as you can. But remember, he might very well break up with you and then tell everyone he knows how awful you are. It's hard to say what he'll do. The thing is, we don't know him. We don't know how he'll react. You probably have a much better sense of him. The way we see it, both of you have done some things that have hurt the other person. The question is, are both of you committed to trying to put the pieces back together. If he is, he'll react maturely. If he's not, it will be an easy excuse to break up with you. Keep us posted and good luck.

• kathryne 2012-09-14 13:01:29 said:

  I dont know who I would go to , to talk about the root cause of my behaviors. I think it may be my way of seeing if other guys are still interested in me/ because I am angry at the person I am with at that time in our relationship. At the time that I did this, I thought that we were going to end our relationship very soon. I was very uncertain about him and the way he actually feels about me. As for what he has done. He has texted girls that he has had relations with before and asked them to come over to his place and go in the hot tub . Saying "when do I get to see you in your bikini again?" and then having conversations with more then one girl on skype and having video calls with these girls while he would skype with me when I was away at school. HE would ask these girls out on dates, but would never show (from what I read in the conversations). when I confronted him about this he fessed up and then also admitted to doing steroids after I already asked him throughout our relationship if he was using them. HE has also touched one of my friends friends boobs while he was drunk (he doesnt remember) and has talked ot girls at bars and lied about being at home when he stayed out and drank and slept at his guy friends place. I now have a hard time trusting him, but I am working on that as he has been telling the truth about things i have asked him like smoking up, etc. I have a tendency to look on his phone when im intoxicated, but I have thought about not drinking as much as I do with friends as I dont want to make another mistake. I really didnt understand his behaviour at the time as to why he needed to lie to me constantly. I gave him more than one chance , and said this is his last chance, but now I feel like I completely messed up. I feel like I'm being hypocritical. We were planning on going on a trip soon. Should I tell him before and hope that he forgives me? Would he tell his family and friends i cheated on him?Thanks!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-14 06:56:05 said:

  @Kathryne.....Well, did you read any of the previous comments? You should, it might help you get some perspective; and also help you realize you're not the only one who's done something like this. It would be helpful to us if you explained a little bit of what he's done to you in the past? It sounds like he may have betrayed you more than once. (Cheating or attempt at cheating) Something you mention. The fact that you've cheated on almost every boyfriend you've had is something we think needs examining. Or rather, something you need to examine. Why do you think you have? Do you do it based on real or imagined transgressions on their part sort of as revenge? Do you do it just because you can? Are you looking for some sort of outside stimuli or approval? What is it? Because that behavior pattern is unlikely to change unless you get to the bottom of it. (Have you thought of seeing a professional about it? Something to think about.) As far as telling your boyfriend. Everyone chooses something different. And every outcome is different. Some choose to tell and then that's the end of the relationship. Some choose to tell and are forgiven. Some choose not to tell and then their partner finds out. Some choose not to tell knowing they'll never do it again. This is solely your decision. If you think this will eat at you forever then yes, you probably should tell. Yes, he's going to get angry; and yes he may break up with you, but not necessarily. It depends on what he's done in the past and if the two of you can come to a better understanding from this. If you choose to tell him don't do it after sex. Don't work up to it with some fancy dinner or outing. Just go over to his place, or if you live together, talk to him at home. Explain to him that you've done something you regret, and that you love him, and that you're not sure why you did it but you think it's because of....(Blank, blank) and then tell him what it's made you realize—how much you care about him—and then just tell him. You see Kathryne, there's really no easy way to soften the blow, so it's best to get it out in the open and then deal with what's coming. For a guy, this is about the sex, not the emotional connection you have with this other guy. He's going to want to know details possibly. Even though a part of him won't. And it will go from there. Read some of these other comments and let us know if you have any other questions. Good luck. Keep us posted please. And also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.

• kathryne 2012-09-13 22:20:25 said:

  I forgot to mention, that it made me realize how much he means to me even after everything he has done to me in the past. I find myself letting a lot of little things he does that bothers me, go, because I want to make him happy and because of feeling guilty. I am not sure if this is a healthy way to do that though.

• kathryne 2012-09-13 22:13:20 said:

  Dear guys, I cheated on my boyfriend about 4 months ago while intoxicated. I didnt sleep with the other guy, I just touched him inappropriately, but didnt let him do anything to me when he kept trying to. We didnt kiss. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past year and 5 months. I have cheated on almost all my boyfriends in the past, and im not really sure why I have the habit to do this. I really love the person I am with, but at the time that I did this I was unsure of our relationship as he has done things like asking other girls out through texting or online, that I stumbled across right before I cheating on him. Since then, he has been amazing to me and we have been really good to each other. I have been feeling sooo guilty the past month, to the point where its on my mind almost all the time and where I cant sleep. I need to know if I should tell him the truth or not. I feel extra guilty as it was just my birthday and I had to accept gifts from him and his family that I really didn't want to take because of what I have done. I have asked him if he would forgive me for any mistakes I have done and he said yes, but I can never get the courage to tell him. He has hidden a lot from me in the past, but I have always found out about what he is hiding and I have forgiven him. Do you think I should tell him? If so, which I think I am leaning towards, how do I know the best time to do so? and how would I say what I did without getting into the details? I am really afraid of the way he will react as he seems to get angry really easily. Will he believe that I didn't sleep with the other man? I really dont want to lose him, but I am a very honest person and I feel like if I dont tell him this eventually I will lose my mind with guilt. Do you believe that if someone truly loves you they will forgive you for the mistakes you do as long as you never do them again? I hope you can help me get a clear picture on this matter. Thanks in advance.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-10 11:02:00 said:

  @A....Clearly you've thought this through intelligently, and are looking at all sides to the issue. One thought comes to mind. This boy that you had a kiss with, how comfortable is he really going to be with your boyfriend knowing what he knows? We doubt their relationship will ever be the same, even if nothing is ever said. Which brings to mind the question of preserving this social circle as you call it. People move on. People take jobs. People get married. People have kids. What will happen will happen. That is out of your control no matter what you decide. The only thing that might happen is your confession will accelerate an outcome that was bound to happen anyway. We're not saying you should tell, we're just putting that out there. We do wish you the best and are pretty confident you'll figure out the best way to proceed. Ask us as many questions as you'd like. And we're definitely interested to know how things turn out. We're pulling for you!

• A 2012-09-10 10:49:03 said:

  It could have definitely been a way for me to make sure there wasn't anything there, you're right. I hadn't totally considered that route (probably because I genuinely don't remember WHAT was going through my head at the time) but, if anything, I think it's pretty much solidified the answer for me; Sadly, at the expense of a friendship I really did value, but I think it was probably pretty unfair for me to remain so close to someone that I've known had strong feelings for me. I'm pretty sure I can live with the guilt. I feel like a pretty terrible person right now, but I'm confident as time goes on I can move on from it and just focus on moving forward and concentrating on my current relationship. I would obviously be in a totally different boat if this kiss had stirred up feelings I didn't know were there, but it didn't and I just feel bad. I doubt the friend would tell, I was VERY worried my brother would, as he and my boyfriend are good friends but he seems willing to support me either way (I was surprised). I go back to school in two days, so that is when I WOULD have this conversation with my boyfriend, but neither myself, nor him will see any of these people for at least a full year. I guess that's my main motivation for NOT saying anything; it's not that I'm being a coward or that I don't WANT to tell him, but it's going to cause a lot of pain over something that was meaningless to me, and won't ever happen again, and I basically have a year away to let the whole thing blow over (though there's always a small chance someone would let it slip). It was just a kiss. However, I don't want to overlook the fact that I could just be trying to rationalize away my guilt and wrongdoing. I don't think he would break up with me over it; we've had 'what if' discussions in the past, and while a kiss would hurt him, I don't KNOW that it would be a deal breaker but I could be mistaken. I guess that's the weird thing, fear of him breaking up with me is NOT what is stopping me from telling him, I'm honestly prepared to accept the consequences of my actions in that regards if it comes to it. I'm more worried that if we agree to stay together and move forward from this, that it is going to really hinder my boyfriends ability/desire to integrate and associate with this group of friends. Like I said, him and my brother are extremely close, and these guys are my brother's best friends, of which said boy is also part of. They all grew up together, they all hang out every weekend etc. If my boyfriend were to visit, or move here in a couple years like we've talked about, I can see my boyfriend not wanting anything to do with them anymore and I don't want to be responsible for cutting off that group of people to him. While he would probably only resent the one guy, that guy is part and parcel with that group of friends and I doubt it would be possible for them NOT to run into each other in a social context, meaning either my boyfriend or the boy get selectively invited to things the other one isn't at, or things are perpetually uncomfortable (I would imagine, I don't know, girls react differently to social things than boys do!). Perhaps though, this is this me being selfish as well in wanting to preserve this social circle for him because it would also ultimately make things easier on me? I really am trying to consider what would be best for my boyfriend, but it's obviously hard to completely overlook your own motivations. The guys all really like my boyfriend, and are upset at me and this other guy for putting everyone in this position so it isn't like they are one side or another. I suppose there is no easy answer, but I really do appreciate your insight. It's certainly helped me acknowledge various aspects of the problem!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-10 09:38:23 said:

  @A......Okay, we'll admit that we wonder if this kiss was a way for you to test the waters just to be sure—this guy friend was a safe person to do it with. Because getting intoxicated usually just makes a person more apt to do something they might have always wanted to do. So we're sorry but we just wanted to get that off of our chests. Thoughts? Now to your dilemma.Telling your boyfriend is a choice you have to make. Questions to ask yourself before you decide: Can you live with the guilt, or will it eat away at you? Are you sure that you will never cheat again? Is it possible this friend will spill the beans and tell your current boyfriend what happened? Then what? Are you sure your boyfriend would leave you? What is the worst case scenario? Probably, you don't say anything and your boyfriend finds out later. The best case: You don't say anything, and your boyfriend never finds out and it never happens again. All the rest fall in the middle somewhere. The thing is A, this really comes down to the those answers. Some people choose not to tell and others decide to tell. If you do decide to tell him make sure it's when he's visiting not via phone/text/email. If you decide not to tell him make sure it never happens again. You know, you did betray your boyfriend, but it's not the worst betrayal we've heard. Not by a long shot. And part of moving comes with your ability or inability to forgive yourself. Are you able to do that? So what are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• A 2012-09-09 20:59:28 said:

  I'm in serious need of some guidance. In a very intoxicated state I made out with one of my best guy friends, thereby cheating on my boyfriend of two years. I immediately regretted it and genuinely never, ever want to be in this situation again. I have known that my guy friend had feelings for me for quite some time, but I do not honestly feel the same way about him. I barely remember the kiss happening, and don't know how it even started, but it did. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend or not. He knew that my friend had feelings for me, but I've always assured him that we were just friends and he had nothing to worry about. This is completely uncharacteristic of me, I am extremely opposed to cheating, as my parents marriage was torn apart by multiple affairs, and I know that my guy friend and I can, obviously no longer be friends in the same capacity, so I am more than okay with cutting off those ties (regardless of whether I tell my boyfriend what happened), but I just don't know if telling my boyfriend is going to do him any good, and it may only serve to make me feel less guilty. My gut is telling me that I should tell him, even though it was just a kiss, my boyfriend has a right to make a decision for himself given all of the facts, but it's a little bit complicated. My boyfriend lives in another country where I attend school, but comes to my home to visit and spends time with my friends, who this boy is also friends with. This guy, and his friends would likely be the people my boyfriend would be hanging around with if and when we ultimately move back to my home country, and this is going to make him hate that particular individual (with good reason) and would make any future social gatherings quite uncomfortable; that is, if I tell him and my boyfriend decides to stay with me. We are a tight knit group that has been friends throughout high school, university and beyond, and I don't want to limit my boyfriends opportunities with making friends with these people just because of a stupid mistake that I will never make again; then again, who am I to make that decision for him? I just don't, honestly, know what to do. Any help would be sincerely appreciated. I hope I've explained the situation adequately, but I'm having trouble properly articulating my feelings and reasoning behind them. I would appreciate any and all insight.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-09 11:40:20 said:

  @Lynn.........Hmm.....While we are having a somewhat difficult time understanding how you didn't know you were with your ex, we also understand your worry and concern. Telling your boyfriend is a choice you have to make. Questions to ask yourself before you decide: Can you live with the guilt, or will it eat away at you? Are you sure that you will never cheat again? Is it possible your ex will spill the beans and tell your current boyfriend what happened? Then what? Is your relationship with your ex really over? Are you sure your boyfriend would leave you? This is a personal choice Lynn. Yes you cheated. Is it the worst cheat we've heard? No, it isn't. You see, life is complicated. Humans are complicated. We make mistakes. We try to learn from them. We move past them. We move on. We're not condoning your behavior, but we're also saying you're not alone in this. (Just read all the comments/questions before yours.) So it's a personal choice what you should do. Everyone makes their own decision in this type of situation. We hope this helps a little. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted on what you decide to do. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it. Please consider a donation to THE GUYS. No donation is too small, or too large. PayPal on site.

• Lynn Milo 2012-09-09 02:44:30 said:

  I have been with my boyfriend and the love of my life for almost 6 months now. Nothing could ever be more perfect, we were made for each other. Being together forever is a common topic in our relationship, even crazy sporadic weddings very soon have been discussed, but last night we went to a party and i became very intoxicated. My ex of four years was there and we talked because we are still good friends and he convinced me to meet up with him after the party. I thought this would be a good idea to finally let him know once and for all that we are never getting back together because for some reason he just can't get the hint. Well in my intoxicated/ half passing out state he seduced me and i thought he was my current boyfriend, not my ex. I ended up kissing him and as soon as i opened my eyes and realized that it wasn't my boyfriend i was mortified. I grew sick immediately and had no idea what to do. I am so in love with my boyfriend and if he were to ever leave me my life would literally be over. I hate keeping secrets and within all of my relationships this is the first time i ever "cheated." Should i tell him and risk him leaving me, or should i keep it a secret to protect myself? it was only a kiss and it made my love for him very clear. HELP!

• One of the Guys 2012-09-01 11:25:08 said:

  @Kacee....Good luck with whatever you decide and in your marriage. We hope the two of you can learn how to forgive and move forward together. Take care and keep us posted. Ask another question anytime.

• Kacee 2012-09-01 00:24:42 said:

  Thanks for all you have given me to think about, I am still not ready to decide what I will do but your advice and perspective are helpful. I guess I am just afraid that if I admit to him my affair that will be the end. Do I risk my marriage any more? Do I really want him to feel everything I felt when he admitted his affair to me. I know how much damage it caused me and I don't think he would be able to handle it but who am I to decide for him? Or do I tell so he will hurt as much as I did? But how does that help us? It is such a struggle to be honest and maintain the confidence we have already lost in each other. I don't want to lose my husband but you are right can I live with the guilt? Can I live knowing this happened and seeing this guy be friends with my husband? Thanks for rooting for us that means a lot.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-31 13:59:42 said:

  @Kacee......Well you seem very in touch with your feelings which is important when trying to work through something as painful as a betrayal. You're right to assume that your husband is going to feel like your rendezvous with his friend was to get back at him. And like you, we would probably say it was. Although, these kinds of things are always way more complicated than simply revenge. And they are also different for men and for women. So let's paint the picture for you and then you're going to have to decide: If you tell him here's what he's going to think: He's going to be mad and jealous about the sex, not about the emotional aspect of it. He's going to think you did it out of revenge. He's going to wonder about specifics....yes, he will. (Was it better? Was he better? Was he bigger? Etc. Etc. Ah the mind of the male.) These are things you probably don't even care about but he will. And the fact that he knows the guy will make it worse. Not telling him is all about you: How will you feel? Can you deal with the guilt? And as the two of you are healing and trying to be honest with one another, does not telling him go against all that you're trying to do? These are questions that only you can answer, but hopefully we've given you some things to think about. Last note: If you don't tell him and he finds out at some point it won't be pretty. Just sayin'. Please feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And good luck. We hate to see couples break up so we're pulling for the two of you. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Kacee 2012-08-31 00:56:05 said:

  Guys, perspective please. Let me just jump into this. We have been married for 9 years and our marriage hasn't been in the best of places which by no way means I am excusing my behaviour. My husband told me he cheated on me a couple of months ago and I decided we could work through it we went to counselling and I said we I could get past it but somehow the trust hasn't been truly regained. It still felt as if we were both holding back something from each other but we both are really trying to get what we had back but it's harder than we thought. I can't completely let it go and I just got to thinking of how much I have always given to our marriage. We married young and I have only been with my husband. To not drag this on I am just going to say it I slept with one of his friends, well not a very good friend of his in retrospective. I don't know if I should tell my husband since his affair has already done so much damage to us. It was never about the sex with his friend and I don't ever want to do it again but I think I just wanted to know how you just sleep with someone else with no regard to your spouse. It was horrible though I started crying in the middle of it all from the guilt I felt, I never want to do it again. Do I tell my husband who is more than likely going to think I did it out of revenge which maybe I kind of did. I have some time to decide if I tell him or not as he is visiting his mother, where he cheated before, this trip he calls me daily and he is really thinking and working on himself, he is beginning to realize how important our marriage and I am to him it makes me feel worse. Do I tell him? thanks for whatever advice you can give me.

• One of the Guys 2012-08-16 07:09:13 said:

  @Lexi......Before we answer could you answer a few basic questions. How long were you broken up for? Were you actually broken up when you had sex with this guy or were you back together then? What exactly happened in the backseat of the car? Did the girl show him her boobs? Her Vagina? What? These answers will help us give you a clearer answer.

• lexi 2012-08-16 02:46:38 said:

  Hey guys, I've never been on this site before butneed some serious advice! So about a week ago i found my boyfriend in the backseat of a car with another girl from his work..it was him, her, and another co worker hanging out in the parking lot after work which i understand because i do that as well from time to time. Well his other Co worker left and it became just the 2 of them in the backseat talking. He truly is a good man, he is religious, he treats me like a princess even if i don't deserve it so don't think he's automatically a scum bag. He says he saw her boobs but when i pulled up her pants were off. He had all his clothes on though and said he didn't do anything with her or touch her. I kind of believed him but i was so pissed i declared a break which in the 3 years we have been together has never occurred! While i was out with my friends a few nights later i got really wasted and had sex very briefly with my brothers friend. I have no feelings for him, i stopped it mid sex, and realized what i was doing but somehow i still feel extremely guilty. My boyfriend and i are back together now and so far things have been extremely good, which is probably why i haven't told him what happened. I don't want to ruin things, i love him and we do plan on getting engaged soon. My question is, should i tell him? He is insecure a it is, and a very nice caring guy. Thanks in advance for you're help!

• One of the Guys 2012-06-21 20:40:10 said:

  @Meghan......We're glad we're able to help. If you'd like to help us, please let your friends know about us. And of course, no pressure, but we have been known to accept donations from time to time. :)

• Meghan 2012-06-21 16:42:11 said:

  Thanks so much for your advice. Whenever I feel like my girlfriends are just going to judge me for asking questions on matters of "cheating," I always feel comfortable coming to this site. You guys honestly seem to fully understand situations I describe and the advice always makes sense. Just wanted to say that I take your advice to heart and it's comforting knowing there's guys like you all willing to help the many people who have complications in their lives. I am so appreciative :D

• One of the Guys 2012-06-21 04:52:27 said:

  @Stevie......We'd say the same thing to a guy. In fact we have said the same thing to a guy. Cheating's cheating. So there's no mixed messages coming from us, although we do agree there's a double standard in society. There's nothing wrong with having multiple sex partners if that's your thing, but it's not okay if you're in a committed relationship and the person you're with is remaining faithful to you. That's called betrayal. And if it's a repeated pattern there's an issue going on. Bottom line: If you don't want to be faithful to one person, don't make the commitment.

• Stevie 2012-06-21 00:37:54 said:

  Hi GUYS. I really like reading your site and usually you have really good advice. But something about your advice to this girl bothered me. Towards the end of your response, you repeatedly suggested that there was something wrong with her and that she should seek counseling for her perpetual cheating. I honestly believe that if a guy were cheating, most people chalk it up to "just being a guy". Maybe the OP genuinely likes bedding as many men as she can even though it causes her feelings of guilt afterward. And if that's the case, there's definitely nothing wrong with that. She isn't a freak of nature. Myself as well as all of my girlfriends have kept lists of names (that we could remember lol) or tallies of men we were with. It's no different than what guys do but for them it's condoned and for us we are assumed to need psychiatric help. There is actually physiological evidence that females are built to have multiple sex partners so there isn't anything unnatural about what she is doing. Dealing with the guilt is another issue altogether.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-20 09:43:29 said:

  @Meghan........We understand the complexity of your dilemma. But sometimes we don't get to resolve every issue in our lives, and repair the mistakes we've made. This might be one of those cases. You feel badly about hurting him. He's angry at you for betraying him. You want to make amends but he wants to move on and forget what happened, or at least not have to think about it again. The thing is, if you truly care about him it might be best to leave him alone and move on. YOU know what you'll get out of a basic friendship, but ask yourself what he'll get out of it. We don't see a lot honestly. Maybe just a reminder of some painful times in his life. If you truly want him to be happy this is one of those times where you might have to accept that resolution isn't going to happen. And if you truly want to make it up to him, treat your current boyfriend with respect, and don't repeat the behavior with him. Think of the analogy of a parent and child. (This may be off base but go with us here. We're not suggesting one of you is a parent and the other is a child.) Here goes: A parent gives a child unconditional love. Child gets older, the parent continues giving. Maybe it's monetary now. Car/ college/ vacations/whatever. Now that child is older they feel like they owe parent now and want to pay them back. Parent says, "Don't repay me, just do the same for your children. That's how you'll repay me." Somehow this analogy comes to mind here. What do you think?

• Meghan 2012-06-20 08:49:22 said:

  Hi there, In 2009, I dated my first boyfriend for about a year and after about 6 months of going long distance, I started cheating on him. I was honest about it, and the honesty was confusing me because it meant that i had to assess why I was doing it. He was upset but wanted to stay with me. I recall that a part of me really wanted to stay with him and be loyal, but the other part didn't want to feel like I was going to miss out on someone better. We ended it and he was publicly in a new relationship 3 weeks later. I wanted to apologize for how I had ended our relationship and attempt to revitalize some sort of friendship. But we met up too soon and it ended up being underlying "who's happier now" kinds of conversation and TMI about our sex lives. So we stopped talking for a while after that. I had heard some news about him and med school from a mutual friend, so I decided to send him a message to congratulate him. He replied with a polite thanks and then something along the lines of "I have plenty of friends that are loyal to me and therefore don't want to talk to you anymore." After so much time had passed, I had hoped that we had gotten past our past and was extremely offended. He defriended/blocked me off of facebook which offended me even more. Then I talked to our mutual friend again and she told me that she thinks it's his girlfriend. Apparently, she's a bit controlling and gets jealous really easily. Bottom line, after over 2 years, I still feel bad about how our relationship died, and still feel the necessity to somehow get us back to at least the basic friendship level. I'm in love with my current boyfriend and he's still with the girl he's been with. I don't want to mess anything up, but this thing has been painfully gnawing at me for so long. Should I truly give up? Or should I try again? Thanks so much.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-19 16:42:23 said:

  @Nicole.....Thanks for touching base with us and filling us in. You know, all of us—you, all of us here, everyone— are all out in the world doing our best. We make mistakes, we say sorry, we try to learn from them, we move on. That's all we can do. Hopefully you've learned a tough lesson and won't ever be in this situation again. We have faith that you won't. So we wish you well in your relationship and your life. Keep us posted. We definitely are interested in finding out how things are going. All the best! ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Nicole 2012-06-19 11:55:08 said:

  Hi guys, I thought I'd update you. I decided that the reviews were so mixed that logically only he could decide whether he'd want to know. Some men would, while others would not. So I left the decision up to him by asking him if during his marriage whether or not he'd want to have been told or remained blissfully ignorant, especially in the event she'd have wanted to stay in the marriage. His response was a preference towards ignorance is bliss. He said, "even if it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again it never leaves you. It's always in your head. The trust is gone." It was a one time thing that will never happen again. What we have is wonderful and I don't think there is a reason to taint it. Only time will tell if I can live with the guilt, however, it is my burden not his. I am not a habitual cheater so the guilt may never dissipate or it may go away in time. Regardless i'm confident it will never happen again, and I appreciate his love more. Side note he is laundry and dishes fre with enough muffins and brownies to last a life time. The proud owner of a season of his favorite TV show he's been watching while eating his very own cherry cheesecake. I know these things will by no means completely make up for what I've done....but it's a start. Thank you for the advice, Nicole

• One of the Guys 2012-06-17 05:34:15 said:

  @Nicole.....Well, you certainly seem to be able to articulate yourself well because your explanation does make sense. So the bottom line really is all about you. You're right. He's going to leave you if you tell him. If you don't tell him will you be able to handle the guilt? Or will it eat away at you? And also, is it possible that your boyfriend could find out from someone else? We're mixed on this. A part of us as GUYS would want to know because we'd want to be able to decide for ourselves. But the other part of us, the one that understands that life is complicated and not always black and white, says bury this in your head, and don't say a word. And then make it up to him without him knowing you're making it up to him. This probably doesn't help, but the decision of course is up to you.

• Nicole 2012-06-16 19:35:41 said:

  Hi, Thank you for response. Why do I think this happened? I know it's not an excuse but alcohol was a huge factor. My ex and I went through a lot. During our relationship I always hoped he'd love me and see I was the only one. However that was never the case. Subconsciously I believe there was a part of me that wanted to relish in him finally wanting me. I can say 100% there is nothing there between us at least not for me. I have truly moved on and the other night was simply alcohol and the "id" portion of myself taking control. I have talked to my ex since. It was and isn't about the sex for him. We have not been together in like 3 years, however, we remained friends. After I had progressed my current relationship into something serious he became afraid he'd lose me forever and attempted a reconciliation of our relationship. Since the other night I have told him it was a mistake and that it further validated for me that there are no feelings left romantically for me. He has respected my boundaries and left me alone. As I stated in my initial post I am in love with only one man. sex with my ex was purely sex there was no heart or really thought put into it and the majority of it I do not even recall happening at all.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-16 04:53:43 said:

  @Nicole.........We're sure you've read a bunch of the comments in this post/forum. If not, you should. So the first question that needs to be asked is why do you think this happened? Is this a reaction to the relationship? Was it out of fear? (Maybe you're not 100% sure of your new guy.) Do you think you might still have feelings for your ex that you were unaware of? And also: What's transpired with your ex since? Have you talked about it? Is he trying to get you back since he professed his love to you? Or do you think it was really all about sex with him? (Now that he got that he realizes he isn't actually still in love with you.) We'd like to hear more of what's going on inside your head.

• Nicole 2012-06-16 00:46:31 said:

  Hi Guys, I have a dilemma and the advice seems to be equally mixed on what I should do. I am in my early/mid twenties and I am currently dating a man in his mid/late thirties. We met six months ago on an online dating site. He is my match in every way and I have never been happier with anyone. We share the same values, goals, dreams about the future, and we rarely fight. When there is a disagreement we are able to communicate about it and meet somewhere in the middle. Six years ago my current boyfriend began the long process of getting a divorce. Clearly this was prior to us meeting, and although we have a strong relationship he still holds onto some of the negatives that occurred during his marriage. His ex-wife cheated on him multiple times throughout their marriage, and then basically took everything from him. His views on infidelity within a relationship are strong and clear. He has told me several times that if cheating would occur it would not be something he would converse about. Basically the relationship will just be over. Last night I was at my apartment. My roommate was gone for the evening and I had a few drinks by myself while watching tv. My ex boyfriend who I almost married confessed that he is still in love with me, and wished we were still getting married, a few days ago. We have maintained a friendship, but for me there are no longer romantic feelings there. I have told him this, however, last night he stopped over (also after drinking). We were talking, laughing, listening to music, and drinking some more. I have poor recollection of the majority of the nights events. However, what I do know is that drinking and listening to music turned into dancing. This in turn ended up in kissing which led to us sleeping together. It was a mistake. There are absolutely no feelings there. I am in love with my current boyfriend, and I can see a future with him. As my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship there is absolutely no way that he could find out about what happened unless I was to tell him. Although, I am feeling extreme amounts of guilt and shame for what I did I do not want to lose him. I am not a habitual cheater, and this is not a situation that will ever repeat itself. The dilemma I am struggling with is whether or not I should tell my boyfriend I cheated with my ex. I do not want to lose him and it is almost 100% guaranteed that I will by telling him. However, I do not want a relationship built on dishonesty either. Part of me says to tell him and lay in the bed I made. The other part of me says that I can't change it but I know it won't happen again. Telling him would only cause both of us a lot of pain and ruin the relationship. That it would not be fair to place the burden of my mistake onto him. Is it right to tell him? or Should I leave sleeping dogs lay? Thank You, Nicole

• One of the Guys 2012-06-05 21:43:26 said:

  @Jillian.........We agree with your brother. We can't see you keeping this a secret from him and feeling okay about it. It seems to be eating at you too much. We've got our fingers crossed and are sending some positive energy your way. Good luck. The only thing we don't like about telling him via phone is that it's easy for him to hang up and not let you try to explain etc. Well, keep us posted. And remember if he ends it, it doesn't mean it's over. This may take some time to work itself out, one way or another.

• Jillian 2012-06-05 21:22:33 said:

  It wasn't that he physically forced me. I don't think. It's just that he pressured me until I blacked out and wasn't able to say no. Whether that means I couldn't say no to him, myself, or both is what I don't know. But I know we didn't have sex because my roommate woke up and walked in on us and stopped it. That part I do remember. But I think she literally woke me from a stupor. All my female friends say to absolutely not tell him. I talked with my brother and he has convinced me otherwise. I need to do it before he gets here, hopefully before he buys his tickets. And hope that he will still come so we can talk in person. If he breaks up with me, then I can't say I don't deserve it. And if he doesn't, then he's a better man than I can possibly comprehend.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-05 20:48:55 said:

  @Jillian.......Well, this sheds a little more light on the situation. If he physically forced you without your consent that sounds like it's inching into the sexual abuse camp. But you're not sure, right? Hmm....we're glad you're done drinking. It sounds like this has been a wake up call in that realm. So you say you didn't actually have intercourse, but if you were close to blacking out, how can you be sure exactly what happened? The reason we mention this is because your boyfriend's going to want to know every detail. (Even though a part of him isn't going to want to know anything.) If you tell him, he's going to ask. If not at that moment, eventually. What we're saying is, the drink, the coercion, the fact that you possibly stopped before intercourse all factor in to how he's going to react. He may flip out, break up with you, and leave. But, we've seen this before. If he truly loves you, it is possible he could forgive you, and the relationship could grow stronger from this. (With a ton of work on your part. It's hard to earn trust back as you know.) So what do you think? What's your plan?

• Jillian 2012-06-05 19:32:01 said:

  Thank you so much for your perspective. Can I add some follow up background about this guy and about the situation? That was the first time I'd ever spent any amount of time with him. My roommate, he, and I spent the entire day together and were having a fantastic time. He was completely focused on my roommate, not abnormally attentive to me, they were cuddling and flirting and whatever. I was/am not sexually or romantically attracted to him. Seriously. The three of us were drinking together, so by the time my roommate went to bed, I was feeling very (platonically) comfortable with him. Which is why I was even talking to him about my relationship in the first place. Clearly, trusting him was quite possibly the worst mistake of my life. I was truly shocked when, tears still on my cheeks, he started aggressively and explicitly hitting on me and I was blacking out and didn't or couldn't remove myself from the situation. I put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation and that's 100% on me. But truly the more I think about it, I honestly feel coerced and taken advantage of (not to mention, physically ill with revulsion. I haven't eaten or slept in two days). Also, not to mention, legally unable to consent. I think at one point I was actually passed out. I'm not trying to deflect/project blame. Alcohol, I'm sure, played a part in his actions as well. And I'm complicit simply by not removing myself from the situation. Let me take a moment and mention that drinking to the point of not being able to control one's thoughts, actions, and motor skills is dangerous, immature, and unacceptable. Frankly, I'm frightened and done drinking for a long time. Possibly forever. Regardless, I'm thinking of all hypothetical situations here. If my roommate doesn't tell my boyfriend (and probably out of the heat of the moment, she won't. Although she also won't speak or look at me. So I don't actually know) then I still don't know if I should. He's coming to visit me in two days. I don't know whether to tell him before, during, after, or not at all. I want it to be in person, it's too easy to break up via electronic device. I don't know that I'll be able to look at him and not break down. But I also can't stomach what I know will be the look on his face. I'm fairly positive that it will mean the end of our relationship and I just can't handle that. But if not, I'm also completely willing to put in the time and work to re-earn his trust, because I truly don't feel that I deserve it.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-05 09:08:12 said:

  @Jillian......Up until your last sentence we were thinking one thing, but when you add in your roommate's threats, we need to think about this for a moment. Why would she do that? The only thing we can think of is she's still into her ex, and/or is feeling territorial, like a guy might. Either way you might need to rethink your roommate situation. She doesn't seem like the greatest friend. But let's focus on the more immediate question for now. Yes, you did a shitty thing. But that doesn't make you a bad person. It happens, too often. We all make mistakes. The key is, what do we learn from them, and do we grow and evolve as human beings because of them? Clearly you have. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger issue. It could be insecurity. It could be the need for assurance. (The two are related) It could be a way of revenge. It could be a way to set in motion what a person is unable to do without creating chaos. For you it seems, your recent uncertainty about your relationship was the impetus for your infamous night. The cheating had nothing to do with the pushy guy and the drink. It started with you, otherwise you wouldn't have put yourself in that situation. If you were feeling good and solid about yourself and your relationship you never would have sat on that couch, drinking wine, and listening to that crap he was spouting. You would have removed yourself from the situation, or never put yourself in it in the first place. We're not judging, just stating the facts. The cheating happens WAY before the actual cheating happens, if that makes any sense? So enough of that. We're only talking about it since you asked. We know you already feel bad enough about what you did. So, now what should you do? Well, certainly if your roommate is going to tell your boyfriend, then it's obvious that you have to tell him before she does. We don't know him, but many guys would just say forget it. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but without trust there's not much to lay a foundation with. And if he's feeling at all nervous or uncertain, it will be the perfect reason to break things off. If you're going to tell him then you need to take a trip out there and tell him in person. (Better you go there than he come here. This is on you. Just make sure you have a backup plan in case things go awry. Meaning, a place to stay) We're not saying this is going to end, we're just saying, even if he's able to forgive, this may take some time to work itself out. Under the circumstances, it seems you may have no choice in the matter. And judging from your note, the guilt may be too much for you to bare in the end. Good luck. We hope this works out for you. We really do. Please keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question.Please feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks! (Please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use PayPal button on any page of site.)

• Jillian 2012-06-05 07:22:01 said:

  I made a horrible mistake, and got extremely drunk and cheated on my long distance boyfriend of a year. I know that being drunk isn't an excuse, and I'm not trying to rationalize, but I was beyond the point of being about to control my actions. In fact, I barely even remember. We didn't have sex but it was still pretty intense. I don't know whether or not to tell my boyfriend. I'm 100% in love with him, and I don't want our relationship to end. I think he would probably break up with me if I told him. I am literally nauseated with guilt and remorse. And to be honest, the guy that I hooked up with was really pushy, it's not like I was out looking for it. He sat on the couch and tried to convince me for about 3 hours while he refilled my wine glass. Right before we started making out I was crying about how much I missed my boyfriend. Again, not to rationalize, but I was obviously pretty vulnerable. I know the first question is, well what are the underlying issues that would cause you to cheat? It's the distance that makes me question whether or not our relationship can work. Admittedly, my conviction has been wavering a little lately. It's counterintuitive but cheating has completely reaffirmed for me that I want to be with him and make it work. I know there are differing opinions on whether or not to tell, and every relationship is different. Objectively, I'm of the opinion that confessing is simply a way to ease your own guilt, and just hurts the other person. But, he's planning to move to my city, basically for me, and I just don't know that I can let him do that without telling him. There's another dimension to this problem though, the guy was my roommates ex-boyfriend, she walked in on us. She's threatening to tell my boyfriend if I don't. I really don't know what to do.

• One of the Guys 2012-05-30 21:56:11 said:

  @Sargman......We guess you feel strongly about this.

• Sargman 2012-05-30 17:33:45 said:

  There is NO JUSTIFICATION for Betrayal or for Cheating on someone you "love" if you keep on doing that then you are Bitch that Cannot Live Without Sex and You are NOT worth an honest Guy love PERIOD, in other words if you just have sex just to calm your vagina hunger then you should be a Prostitute to have sex with any guy you want and you get paid for it, at the end you will go to Hell for Fornication so you need Jesus Christ our Lord to save you.

• One of the Guys 2012-05-28 20:27:32 said:

  @Ashley..........We would encourage you to seek some professional counseling. It might help you talk through some of these feelings you're having around boyfriends and relationships. It is not this guy's fault that you cheated. That was your choice, not his. You could have easily broken up with him because he wasn't fulfilling your needs and then slept with this other guy after the two of you were finished. But instead you chose the safe route by getting both your emotional and physical needs met by two different guys. Listen Ashley, a lot of people struggle with this. You're not alone here. Just read the comments section in this post and you'll get a sense that this is an easy trap to fall into. But you need to be strong and try to figure this out. You may not be able to do it alone and that's why we suggest seeking out some help. As per your situation, we can't tell you what the best decision is. It's good that you were honest with your boyfriend. That's a start. Yes, he was mad, but what did he say after that? How did you leave it with him? And what about this other guy? Does he want you to keep the baby? Is he interested in you beyond having sex?

• Ashley 2012-05-28 19:45:49 said:

  I have cheated on every boyfriend I've been with. I've come to realize that it's because I expect too much. When I don't feel like I am getting what I deserve, I seek elsewhere. Currently, I am with a guy who emailed his ex while he was with me saying he wanted her back and wanted to marry her. I found it and we broke up. I felt betrayed. Later, we got back together but it wasn't the same. We hadn't had sex in 3 months. So I slept with someone else a few times. Last night I found out I am pregnant. And it is definitely the other guy's child. I told my boyfriend. He, obviously, was extremely mad. I explained that I have been feeling like less than a friend to him lately and so distant. He took it as me saying it was his fault that I cheated. Which I kind of believe. I just feel like he didn't really want to be with me, so I found "love" elsewhere. He won't say "I love you". So I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure I won't keep the baby. I can't support it and go through that right now. And as for my boyfriend...I don't know if I should wait for him to talk to me or if I should just say it's over because I know it'll take a long time to trust each other again, I know I don't trust him yet. Never wanted my life to be this way.

• One of the Guys 2012-05-22 15:40:10 said:

  @Midwestgal.......We're glad we could help. There are a lot of therapists out there. If you don't feel comfortable with your current one, then try someone else. It's no different than any other relationship. It has to work for you. Take care and keep us posted as this progresses. All the best.

• Midwestgal 2012-05-22 14:46:12 said:

  I think you're right about going to talk to professionals. I have been to a marriage councilor w/hubby once (as mentioned before) & Ive talked to a shrink too but not about this. Its going to be hard to even hear the words come out of my mouth. Just thinking about it freaks me out! I don't feel comfortable w/my shrink b/c she just want to push pills on me, maybe I could talk w/marriage councilor? A part of me just wants to ignore it but Im already seeking help here & I need to have courage to move forward, I guess. Im thinking that maybe we rushed into marriage to soon. We do love each other but maybe enough? I don't think I have self esteem issues but maybe I do & Im just know realizing it. Maybe its something else too. Thanks for encouraging me to speak to a professional. My eyes are tearing up just thinking about it but I going to call right now and make an appointment! xox

• One of the Guys 2012-05-22 10:50:52 said:

  @Midwestgal.......Yes, there is something going on obviously. And the issue stems with you more than your husband. It's good that you're aware of it. Your situation is different than a one time cheating incident that happens while drunk. It's your repeated pattern that is a cause for concern. So the question is why? Why do you feel the need to be validated and feel sexy by other men other than your husband? Or honestly, why at all? Is this a general lack of respect for yourself, or some sort of self-esteem issue? Or, taking a different angle, maybe you are truly unhappy in your marriage and you're not with the right person? Or maybe you got married too soon and weren't ready for the commitment required? Whatever it is, you need to figure this out. We would suggest counseling, for you as an individual, and for you as a couple. (They should be separate.) We think you're on the right track to start questioning what's going on. But this is just the beginning. Keep looking for answers, but make sure you ask all the questions. Hope this helps a little. Please seek out some professionals you feel comfortable with. Good luck. We're thinking positive thoughts for you.

• Midwestgal 2012-05-22 05:24:09 said:

  I've been married for 2 yrs. we met in college & I was still talking to my x bf who lived far way. I considered myself single, not dating him (or anyone) seriously. I went to see my x a few times while we were dating. He found out & got upset but I explained that since he had not officially asked me to be his gf & I didn't think we were exclusive. We came to the conclusion that there was a lack of communication & after a month of keeping it friendly we began going steady. I had cut ties w/x too.  After college we moved & I got a job while he went to grad school. We live together but he was so absorbed in grad school that I felt neglected & sad away from college friends & family. I also though he was having an emotional affair w/ one of his class mates. We argued & I questioned leaving him. It was a rough time in our relationship. I went on a training trip for work & got drunk & slept w/a guy from the training. I didn't tell the guy I was in a relationship until after. I think I felt like maybe this was the last opportunity I would have to feel somewhat single & my decision making was paralyzed by beer. Very shortly after the incident my bf proposed to me and I gladly said yes, I do love him after all. I felt guilty but I forgave myself & said I wouldn't do it again. He move out of town to start his job after graduating & I moved w/him to our new place a few months after. I was freaking out about the moving since I had just started making friends & b/c of the incident. Shortly after we got married he began traveling for 3-4 weeks at a time. There was a few time when he was only home for 1-2 wks in between. He even missed my bday! I again began feeling neglected & lonely. I began spending time w/a coworker who works in a different branch. We got really drink and slept together 2x while he was gone. It made me feel validated & loved & I was not as lonely. I was a very unhappy newlywed. I realized that I couldn't live this way so I made him choose between me or his job. We went to couple therapy once to let him know I serious. I was kind of thinking that this would be a way for both of us to get out of the marriage. I actually felt like he didnt care about it very much. I felt like work was his #1 priority, not me. To my surprise he talked to his boss & he has not traveled for work nearly as much since then. He traveled again recently for a week and I hung out w/co-worker & we got drunk & I slept w/him. I though that I it was not going to happen again, but it did. In the moment I felt so good and validated and sexy. Now Im questioning why I did (again)? I don't want to tell him b/c I don't want to hurt him but does he need to know? Am I just not ready for commitment? Does  it stem from not having a dad or just not being able to resist? Should I divorcee him and not tell him. I don't think I could speak either way. Man I have issues. Help! 

• One of the Guys 2012-05-21 22:10:39 said:

  @Highschoolclass........So the question begs to be asked: If you are so into your boyfriend why did you make out with the other guy? Maybe there's a reason this happened. Is it possible you're into the other guy more? Or maybe at this point in your life you just enjoy the attention of guys. There's nothing wrong with that. But just be honest with yourself. So what do you think? ps. You might enjoy our "Relationship Memoirs" page, especially "Rebecca, a Memoir" Start from the introduction and read on. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• highschoolcass 2012-05-21 21:39:12 said:

  Friend.was there.and we ended up making out and the guilt makes.me.feel like I have a rock in my stomach :( we.have only been going out for a week do I tell my boyfriend? Should I brake up with him? I really need your help P.s. my boyfriend is the jealous type and doesn't even like my best friend and he gets so mad so easy when ever i ever sat hey to one of my.guy friends

• highschoolcass 2012-05-21 21:35:30 said:

  So I'm only a freshman inhigh school and I have a new boyfriend who I have been crushing on since the start of the school year in September. He asked me out a week ago and i was the happiest girl in the world because he is perfect. And then came prom... My best friend asked me before my boyfriend and i started talking and i made sure my boyfriend knew about prom and he wasn't to happy a lot it but he got.over it. Well prom night came of Friday and it was a lot of fun and i made sure I was good. My prom date (best friend) had a party.at hjs house and there was all juniors and seniors there. They liked me and it was all good but.my brothers

• One of the Guys 2012-05-21 17:38:59 said:

  @Claycamoturtle.......Honestly, the why is less important as how you decide to behave from here on out. We can't tell you what the right thing for you to do is. This is a personal decision. And involves only you and your husband. What we can say is stay away from that other man. And keep your drinking to a minimum, or only in the presence of your husband, and then focus on being a loving and respectful spouse. We agree that you shouldn't be held hostage by a stupid decision that you committed a long time ago, but it's up to you whether or not you are able to break free of its hold. Thoughts? Would anyone else like to add to this?

• claycamoturtle 2012-05-21 17:21:59 said:

  I will most definately wait on telling. It was a horrible drunken mistake, one that could destroy lives. I don't want to tell just to make myself feel better. That's not fair to anyone involved. My husband and I have a very strong relationship and I love him very much. We have been through a lot together and I don't want to throw it all away because I got too drunk one night and I'm having trouble living with myself. Since the whole incident, I have changed. The guy.. he has become a whole different more horrible person but she loves him. I don't want to take that away from her just because I feel guilty. I need to find a way to cope with the guilt and live with it. As far as I know, the guy hasn't cheated on her other than that one time with me, he just has his own list of problems and growing up. But with me, I just need to get over the guilt. Since then I do not drink like that, if/when I do drink, I quit as soon as my husband does weather I'm ready to or not. I have done everything in my power to keep from being alone with the guy because I fear he will make another move and if so, when I deny letting him so much as touch me in any way, he may get mad and tell anyway. I hope the steps I take now are a good way to avoid this in the future. I don't want to cheat again, I never wanted to in the first place but my drunk self did, and I am doing everything I can to avoid this happening again. Do you think that's enough to make up for not telling? I feel i'm avoiding the whole deciding to have drinks together part even tho there is no attraction. (referring to the coworkers drinking and messing around part) Is that enough to feel less guilty about the incident? Does the fact that my husband is my one and only actual sexual partner make a difference as to why I did this? One time many years ago I talked to him about curiosities I had about other guys because I was not experienced like he was and sometimes I feel like that's why I let it happen. I feel like I'm trying to justify my horrible act when I think that tho... But I will read the book and see if it can give me any insights. I will also save this page because for years I've had nothing and this is the closest to help I've had for getting through this. Maybe talking to about it will help keep me from destroying lives. Thank you guys for making this page.

• One of the Guys 2012-05-21 16:28:21 said:

  @Claycamoturtle.........To tell or to not tell is a judgement call for each person. You say you are having a hard time living with the guilt. Well, that's a possible indicator that you need to do something about this situation. Talking about it here is a first step. So let's start with your first question. Did you cheat? Well, ask yourself, "If my husband did what I did would I consider it cheating?" If he performed oral sex on some woman, whether drunk or not, what would you think? Would you excuse his actions because he was drunk? So yes, from a guy's perspective, you most definitely cheated on your husband. No one can actually be coaxed into cheating—a person could be forced but then that would not be cheating it would be rape. So, a part of you like you said, must have been interested enough to put yourself in a position where something like that could happen. It's like when co-workers who are attracted to each other, decide to have drinks together. Then after a few drinks, they end up screwing around and thus cheating on their prospective spouses. When was the line crossed? We would say the line was crossed when they both agreed to get drinks. Because at that moment they could have walked away. They both knew what was going to happen but they proceeded anyway. Sure, it's easier said than done. But, people have more control than they'd think. You also mention other flirting/crushes, etc. To some people those would also be cheating. (But not to all.) Some people feel emotional cheating is almost worse. But typically men care more about physical cheating. So now that your fears are confirmed what should you do? Honestly, only you can answer that. If your husband never found and you stayed happily married out would you be okay with that? In some ways, what he doesn't know can't hurt him. But for someone with a conscience, it's like living a lie. And now this lie is eating at you. So what do you think? If you tell him you need to be prepared for the worst. (He might leave you.) If you don't, you have to be prepared for more guilt. (Read, "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoevsky) And what about your friend? And her husband? What happens when they find out? (Although her husband sounds like a scoundrel) So you have a lot to think about. We wouldn't rush into this. Give it some more thought. Read some of the other people's comments. And feel free to ask us some more questions. We're pulling for you because we hate to see couples break up. Good luck and take care.

• claycamoturtle 2012-05-21 15:48:32 said:

  Ok, I've read these and debating on asking my question so here goes..... I just have so much guilt over what happened and I haven't told anyone. I feel like it was cheating but others would say not really so I'm looking to find out, did I cheat? Do I tell? After these few years, I still feel so guilty. One night a few years ago I was coaxed into giving a guy friend head. I admit that I was attracted to him in a way, like I thought he was cute, but I never really wanted to do that. He is my close friend's husband and once they got married, he pretty much stopped being a guy to me. I thought that was cool, but back then we all used to drink together and this is how it happened. I was very very drunk and in and out of my right mind. I remember going outside to smoke and then him in front of me and I did push him away but I don't remember getting up. I blacked out again and came to again and we were in the same position. I want to tell my husband because I feel like it was my fault for getting that drunk and if I really wanted to say no, I would have and I feel he will tell me it is something I wanted because I used to like to hang out with the guy friend when I was drunk. In my defense, I only liked hanging out with him because he would always play games with me. (video games) But anyway, after that happened, there were times we were alone and he would try to push himself on me and twice I touched "it" while sober. I felt bad about it but part of me got excited. I never had actual sex with him but I think the fact that part of me got excited makes me feel guilty as can be. Before this incident I used to talk to guys in chat rooms and build relationships with them or develope crushes on guys I knew personally but since before the incident with the cheating, I stopped talking to these nameless strangers and I stopped developing these crushes. I have no want for anything like that. I know the chatting and crushes was due to a deep need to be wanted. I had a very rough childhood that scarred me in way of male relationships. I feel I am past that now because I have no urges in that way at all. In dreams I even turn away men I've most lusted after during my crush phase. But I still feel so guilty about what happened. I want to tell my husband everything. We have been together over 10 years and I feel horrible for hiding this from him but I don't want to hurt him over something like this. I don't want to throw away what is otherwise an almost perfect relationship now because of those things in the past. I don't even think about guys like that anymore. How can I get past the guilt? I feel so guilty now that I have trouble sleeping. It's always been there but it's worse now because I keep thinking I'll get in some kind of position where I'll end up in a hospital and have to be drugged and I'll end up telling him everything. How do I get past this point?? Telling him would only hurt him and for what? So I don't feel guilty about what happened? I feel I should suffer this guilt for what I did. I guess I'm looking for support? I dunno, any advise would be greatly appreciated. Everything you guys say seems so well thought out before being posted. Thanks!!

• IIPriincess 2012-05-15 14:50:26 said:

  Thanks !

• One of the Guys 2012-05-15 14:25:01 said:

  @LLPriincess............You know there really is no good way to do this. But if you are going to do it, don't do it AFTER you have sex with him. You need to tell him right away. Is there a way you could go visit him and tell him? You certainly don't want him to make all sorts of plans, then come live with you, only to find out what you're about to tell him. He should have all the information ahead of time so he can make his own decision. The best thing is to be honest with him. Tell him you care about him. Tell him you're really sorry. Reassure him. Ask for forgiveness. Etc. That's all you can really do. After that it's in his hands. We hope it works out for you. Take care. And please let your friends know about us. Also, check out our "Relationship Memoirs" page. You might be interested in reading some of the guest writers, especially "Rebecca, a Memoir." Thanks.

• IIPriincess 2012-05-15 11:01:39 said:

  the problem is that he has to go away for college every year . So were far apart for quiet a while i only see him in the summers . And everyday he tells me he really wants to marry me and have kids but i feel guilty because i know if he ever cheated on me i would never take him back so i guess i wouldnt be surprised if did leave me . His coming this summer , but he said his here to stay . his going to leave his family to come live with me over here and start our own lifes . But i wanna open up to him and tell him what i did before he decides to leave his own life to start one with me . i just dont know how to really tell him ? any advice on how .

• One of the Guys 2012-05-14 15:29:09 said:

  @LLPriincess..........We don't quite understand. You say you love him but you cheated on him three times. Doesn't that tell you something? That maybe there's something missing from the relationship? Or that maybe you need to work on some things before you decide to get married? Because what's to stop you from cheating again? And what happens if you're married? What then? Or when you have kids? We think you need to take a deep breath, slow down, and really think about what you want? Is it this guy? What is it? Please don't get married just to get married. If you think he'll be upset now, believe us, he'll be way more upset when you have a family together. Our answer: Once you give this some thought— maybe even see a counselor to talk about things— and you decide you want to be with this man, then yes, we think he deserves to know. But be prepared, that once you tell him that could be the end. There are no guarantees on how he'll react. Good luck.

• IIPriincess 2012-05-14 14:25:48 said:

  ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years now . and ive cheated on him with 3 different guys . should i tell him ? if so how . First i cheated on him with my ex boyfriend that i was with in highschool , then i cheated on him with my first love . and then i cheated on him with a guy i met that lives in my childhood town were i was raised . i feel terrible and i dont know what his reaction will be , he proposed to me . and i had no reply cause i wanna let him know everything i did before so , so later on if we do get married wich he really wants to . he wont feel like he wasted his time. so i wanna tell him way before . . . i just dont know how . cause his treated me the best im as happy as i can be with him but i guess i took advantage of it . and till now since he proposed to me i feel bad and guilty . i really love him

• pinky 2012-05-07 16:25:57 said:

  Thank you so much :)

• One of the Guys 2012-05-07 07:38:36 said:

  @Pinky.....The best way to get someone to open up to you is to open up to them. Good luck. We're pulling for you. Take care. Feel free to ask us another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks. Also, you might enjoy reading our guest writers on the "Relationship Memoirs" page.

• pinky 2012-05-06 13:36:12 said:

  yeah i think its mostly all of the above. Every time i cheated on him it was during when our relationship was going downhill. If he ever cheated on me I wouldn't want to know as long as he stopped it...but i guess if he kept on continuing it i would want to know. The problem with our relationship is that we dont communicate that much. If something is bothering him he doesn't tell me. And no matter how much I beg him to tell me he says I dont know what you're talking about. After an hour or so he finally opens up to me. I don't know how to make a guy open up to me.

• One of the Guys 2012-05-06 02:15:03 said:

  @Pinky.........So why do you think you are cheating? Is it because he doesn't pay attention to you? Is it because you're lonely? Is it because you're not satisfied with your current relationship? Is it because you crave attention? Is it because of low self-esteem? Or is it a combination of all of the above? Because since you've done this on many occasions something is going on. And until you get to the bottom of what that is—with possibly a professional counselor—you aren't going to feel satisfied in your relationships. Should you tell your boyfriend? Well, that's up to you. But let's reverse things. How would you feel if he were doing this to you? Would you want to know? We'd say he has a right to know everything. And without honest and open communication your relationship won't be able to move forward anyway. Good luck.

• pinky 2012-05-05 19:00:27 said:

  Im also having a problem like that. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. the first year and almost half we were in a long distance relationship. After 8 months of being together we started to have some problems. things kept on getting better and then get worse again. Anyways 1 month to my one year anniversary i was drunk at a party and me and my guy friend decided to sleepover. my guy friend started cuddling me and we ended up making out. I was dying to tell my friend but my bff told me not to tell him. Anyways after 3 months i cheated on my bf again with the same guy. me and him hooked up 2 more times. Every time i was alone with him he would come to me and i didnt have the guts to say no. (BTW i have a big problem...i cannot say no to someone...i feel bad that i will hurt their feelings). Anyways so my bf was moving to my town to go to university...and during the summer i hung out with a rly good friend of mine. he always had a crush on me...so a day before my bf was moving here i cheated on my bf with him. I've been feeling guilty all this time. Every time my bf ask if i have something to tell him I want to tell him but im scared that he would leave. He always told me to tell him if i did something like that right away. He said he would rather know right away than a year later.But i know i will hurt him and he will break up with me. we love each other so much...we are even talking about getting married in few years once we are done undergrad. Anyways after 9 months of not cheating on my boyfriend last night i cheated on him at a party with the first guy i cheated on him a while back. I want to tell him but i dont want to lose him. I love him way too much, but hes always ignoring me and i try so hard to get his attention. And for the past week he moved back to his hometown and he barely talks to me and everything is going downhill. I dont know what to do....SOMEONE HELP ME!.

• One of the Guys 2012-04-26 07:37:24 said:

  @bloodprince95.......First of all your guy friend is being dramatic. Yes, he probably does love you, but he'll get over it. You're not doing him any favors by hanging out with him if he's in love with you. We hope you can work through everything with your boyfriend. Not to be too cliche, but time does heal. Good luck. And feel free to ask another question anytime. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! Be looking for our new memoir page. New stories coming soon that you might find interesting.

• bloodprince95 2012-04-26 00:11:06 said:

  im not hanging out with my guy friend anymore, after that incident we mainly argue because he is in love with me and i know i dont want to be with him,i couldn't bear losing my boyfriend. i guess my guy friend has a hold on me cuz i am his first love and i dont want to ruin his first experience with it but i know i have to grow some balls to tell him to go away. he's said countless times before that if i just ditch him he will hate women forever and never fall in love again and etc. on the other hand i want to communicate with my boyfriend but he's taken the time to not talk to me for a week or two now so he can try to find a way to still be with me, but he has told me he still loves me which i am relieved to hear. i know it will take a long time to regain his trust and much of the love he lost for me but i do truly fear that things will never be the same again even this whole incident is behind us.

• One of the Guys 2012-04-24 21:00:12 said:

  @bloodprince95.....Thanks for sharing your experience. Your comment will likely help some of the other people reading this forum. Good luck. We're happy your boyfriend still wants to make it work, and that you now see how much you love him. We suggest communicating as much as possible before things escalate in the future. As per your guy friend. We don't know. We're not sure how your boyfriend is going to feel about you hanging out with the guy you cheated on him with. We'd have a problem with it. But keep talking about all of these things. And feel free to ask us a question anytime. And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• bloodprince95 2012-04-24 20:41:09 said:

  sadly i've cheated on my boyfriend of 8 months (long distance) with one of my guy friends, no sex was involved thank god but i also felt really guilty to the point i started crying when i kissed my guy friend, he then asked for more and i didnt have it in my heart to say no to him at that point. during that time me and my boyfriend were going through a rough phase because he was away for weeks at a time without telling me anything so i felt really abandoned and lonely i think thats why i did it. my guy friend was there when my boyfriend wasnt and i shared many things with him during that time too. i did tell my boyfriend what went on after awhile and i know that hurt him deeply. i know i dont deserve his trust or his affection anymore but he wants to make it work and stay with me which i am so glad because it was really after this whole incident i realized how much i love him and how much i would hate to lose him. he is my one and only and i can't see my future with anyone else but him. but even though i know that i worry if things will never be as it used to be before this whole incident. and i just cant seem to let go of my guy friend even though i know i have to and should.

• One of the Guys 2012-04-24 20:33:24 said:

  @kbear20.......You might be right. He's probably feeling very insecure about you and the relationship and a baby would certainly show that you're committed to him. However, we strongly discourage you from making any type of big decision like that until you've both had some time to work through the recent events. Having a baby with someone you love is a wonderful experience, but having a baby to fix a relationship is a bad idea. We're not saying you're doing that, but there's an element of this going on. (Maybe coming from him.) Try to get back on solid footing first, and then down the road the two of you can discuss starting a family. Just our two cents. Good luck, we wish you the best. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• kbear20 2012-04-24 17:29:27 said:

  thank you guys so much you have helped me threw this a lot. i do have another question though, the other night he told me he wants to have a baby with me, i have wanted one for a few months now, but hes never seemed like hes wanted one for a long time, is he just saying this so i can never leave him? or is does he really want it? im not sure what to think about it. (dont get me wrong we were together for 3 years before this whole thing happened and ive always wanted a baby with him, its just kinda like why now?)

• One of the Guys 2012-04-22 20:57:50 said:

  @Kbear20.........We would do everything you can to try and diffuse the situation. Meaning, let him fume a bit and get his feelings out. Hopefully he'll calm down and be more reasonable. And in the future it might be best to avoid the picture taking. Good luck.

• One of the Guys 2012-04-20 11:30:45 said:

  @Kbear20.....Well we're glad he's forgiven you and you're trying again. Good luck. And keep us posted.

• kbear20 2012-04-19 18:19:11 said:

  well just an update, after a lot of crying and talking and more crying, we are strating back at square one, which i am more then happy with doing because i do truely love him and i will never do him wrong again he is my world, thanks for the advice. he can see how truly sorr i am and i can see how hurt he was, but i am willing to make this all better, but i do know it will never be forgoten.

• One of the Guys 2012-04-17 15:32:01 said:

  @Kbear20.......He may still love you, but you're going to have a difficult time regaining his trust. The first step is to come clean, which you've done. But even before the healing starts you first have to understand yourself why you cheated? And on top of that with a friend of his? So, why? Is there something missing? Were you angry at him? Bored? Were you looking for revenge for some past transgression? Or did you just let yourself do what your mind was telling you to do?

• kbear20 2012-04-17 13:55:12 said:

  i was with my loving boyfriend for 3 years he was my high school sweetheart, about a month ago i cheated on him with one of his fiends he had a while ago.. well i told him and he freaked out on me calling me every name in the book, which i deserved... the next day he dropped all my stuff off at my house and he sat there and asked me question after question.. i answered them all truthfully. i can tell he deep down still loves me but he doesnt want to love me hes forcing himself not to idk what to do.. help?!

• One of the Guys 2012-04-05 15:56:35 said:

  @Ididittoo.......Your last sentence says it all. Can you live with the guilt of not telling him? Do you want a relationship where you keep things from each other? Because as you know trust plays a huge factor in the success of any relationship. And have YOU really gotten over your fiance's past indiscretions? It seems the two of you have a lot of work to do. It might help to see a couples counselor or some other professional counselor to help you work through all of your issues. Good luck. We hope this works out for you.

• ididitoo 2012-04-05 11:05:46 said:

  hi all, ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years. we got engaged 3 years ago, but due to the fact that he decided to study again, we havent got married. (time, money, energy etc etc) when we first started going out, he actually had another girlfriend he didnt tell me about. throughout the years there have been issues with porn which he hid from me (i dont mind porn, but didnt like the fact that he was hiding it). he did also, at one point, have an affair for 4 months, with a girl he says he didnt sleep with. the last straw was during the time that he was studying 0 about 2 years ago. at this point we were already engaged. i found a bunch of messages he'd sent to random women on facebook, suggesting drinks and whatever may happen thereafter. at this point we had drifted apart. we werent having sex. i felt alienated as he never had time or energy to even speak to me. i thought about leaving him. oh yes, and rewind 6 years. - id fallen pregnant by him, and he convinced me to have an abortion. i didnt want to do this. it destroyed me emotionallly, but i reckoned that, since 'we' came first, and i loved him and wanted to be with him forever, it was the right thing to do. ff again.. shortly after i found the messages, i had to go on a business trip. i bumped into a guy i'd kind of fancied a few years before and we ended up having a kiss and cuddle. one thing led to another and a few months later we ended up having sex. the 'other guy' doesnt wear his heart on his sleave but did ask me if we could have a relationship. i have never broken up with my fiance. and while i was seeing the 'other guy' things between us got very bad. i felt awful about the affair, but carried on while i couldnt leave him either. after getting physically ill and thinking about things i decided to work stuff out with my fiance. i told my fling about it and think he will accept my decision. i do love my fiance and in retrospect think we had just gone through a challenging time most recently. this brought out a lot of pain he'd caused me in the past and im sorry to say but i think i acted out in revenge as well as a need for affection and attention. i believe that both of us could have handled many issues in our relationship better. i do struggle though, with the question: do i tell him? im planning not to. i just hope i can live with the guilt forever

• THE GUYS 2011-12-17 05:36:47 said:

  @ilovenerds.......Thanks for your input into this discussion. After we read your comments we think the bigger question is: Do you think there will be a time when you won't be able to say no? Because not being able to say no really is a reflection of some other issue going on. Sometimes people cheat in order to extract themselves from a relationship. But in your situation, you cheated even though you really want to stay with your boyfriend. So the that momentary weakness must be caused by something else. The need for validation possibly? The need to have someone different make you feel attractive and exciting? Finally we'd ask you, what would your boyfriend want? Would he want to know? (We would) (Some wouldn't)

• ilovenerds 2011-12-15 03:46:16 said:

  I am in a very similar situation. As you said Meghan, you're personal problems/issues aren't the solely responsible for your actions. I feel the same way with my situation. Obviously they do impact and influence decision making...It's just so unfortunate things like this happen. For me a big reason is I was unable to say no. I could say no a thousand times, then cave :( I want to be a stronger person.. because clearly cheating is a moment of weakness. :( I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and it happened 7 months ago! :s I feel horrible. Some friends said I should tell, some said the other. Can I live with it? I don't think I could. But I also question this: it's temporary guilt relief for you, but is it selfish to tell? It will only cause pain and suffering. I have been been back and forth about telling. Sometimes on the fence. I cheated in a past relationship (4yrs) and told him. After I told, it was never the same. Every fight we had, he would bring it up and use it against me. Yes I may have deserved it.. but my point is nothing will be the same..

• THE GUYS 2011-12-02 05:07:00 said:

  @Meghan.....This makes sense to us. You seem like you've thought about this a lot. As far as your recent diagnosis.....From what we know, depression can affect all aspects of your life, and certainly impact behaviors. It's good that you're getting help you need. We wish you all the best with your relationship, and life in general. Enjoy, and keep us posted. We always love hearing how things are going from people we've interacted with. (And we do hear, so don't be shy!) Take care.

• Meghan 2011-12-01 22:59:32 said:

  Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the responses. I can't remember exactly when I asked this question but I feel that it's been at least a month and there's two things I'd like to mention. 1. I haven't told him and don't think I will because ever since the time I described, cheating is something I 100% will not do again. I have fallen so much in love with him that the idea of repeating that mistake disgusts me. We're so happy together that I feel admitting the truth is unnecessary at this point. Plus, I've strongly hinted at it a couple of times and I think deep inside he knows what I did. He'd hesitate but he never asked questions. The presence of guilt has also faded significantly. Maybe I just needed to find a great guy like him to appreciate the value of loyalty. 2. I was very recently diagnosed with depression and apparently I've been fighting it for years. Although I'm not completely blaming my patterns of cheating on it, I think it may have been a factor. No worries, I'm finally getting the help I need. P.S. I haven't read that book but I kind of want to now...

• THE GUYS 2011-12-01 16:04:10 said:

  @Meghan....you can see the two "opposing views" right here in the comments section. @Stugod and Mat.....Thanks for your input and honesty.

• Stugod 2011-12-01 16:03:12 said:

  Never tell under any circumstances.

• Matt 2011-12-01 16:01:49 said:

  Well here is my view on it. I’ve been the victim of a girl that did that to me (more than once). Now I’m at a point in life where I would really rather the honesty. I think you really need to tell your new boyfriend the truth. You owe it to him because you entered into a relationship with him and broke that bond of commitment and faithfulness. That aside the question remains. Why do you keep cheating? No one else is going to have the true answer. Only you. But that aside maybe this is why. Maybe your not truly ready for a commuted relationship. Perhaps you like the idea of it more than being in it. In that case it is best to really stay away from commitment until you are so sure that no one could convince you otherwise. So in short. Tell him what’s happened and decide do you truly want to commit to someone or is it just not time.