I didn’t want the divorce; How do I get him back?

• One of the Guys 2013-03-23 21:06:20 said:

  @Anonymous......You're talking as if you have no say in the matter. Do you feel scared about something? If not, you need to assert yourself and move on. It sounds like a part of you is unsure about this and that's the issue. You need to decide what you want and then do it. If you want to wait and see if he'll come back then you're going to continue dealing with all of this. If you want to move on, then you move on. Of course this is your call. We can't make it for you.

• Anonymous 2013-03-23 09:02:17 said:

  I just noticed all the typos... That's what happen when you write after weeks without sleeping more than 2 to 3 hours a day...

• Anonymous 2013-03-23 08:58:42 said:

  Guys, I made the decision of move away from my house in September of 2013 after taking with my husband he got very upset and we hurt each other with mean words. I try to explain him I needed time to heal from an affair he had 2 years prior, and that I wanted us to try dating each other again to bring the romance back. He didn't gave me and answer an things continued like nothing happen, in October he began to stay out the weekends and in later Dec due to a phone call I revived I found out he was dating somebody else. I couldn't believe how things where so fine at home including intimacy, but yet it was another woman in the picture. I confronted him and he admitted to been with her, however he keeps taking care of me on every way you can think, ended up moving in January of this year, and every single night before I moved he held me at night and didn't visited her. After I left we been on a few dates and even celebrate our wedding anniversary with a nice dinner. I have asked him several times for a divorce, not because I don't love him but because his dating somebody else and I just can't take the situation any more. His response every single time is "I don't want a divorce, give me time" so I'm all puzzle and don't know what to think anymore, his always telling me how unhappy he's in his new relation and she try's to manipulate him, but every weekend he goes to her... Please give me and advice. Yesterday was the last time I asked him and his answer was the same. PS. I only want a non- contest divorce and we don't have any kids. I don't want any money or material things, just my freedom so I can heal. We been together for 9years married 5years. Thanks Anonymous

• One of the Guys 2013-01-24 11:40:32 said:

  @Ashlee.....We're really sorry. But we're not sure what we can do. It sounds to us like he's moved on. (Guys usually say what they mean.) If he doesn't realize that he still wants you there's nothing much you can do except tell him you still love him and want to be with him, and apologize yet again for your actions. Understand Ashlee, that trust is everything in a relationship. And some people never recover from a betrayal. In fact, many relationships don't rebound from the type of betrayal you're describing. This comes down to him, and what he ultimately wants and needs. You can remind him all you want about how great your relationship was, because he's got to choose it again.

• ashlee 2013-01-23 12:58:42 said:

  im in a similar situation ...me and my husband were married for 2 and a half years we have been seperated on two occasions on my part the second seperation i cheated and was gone for 7 months during that time period he had knee surgery and he says a heartattack and i wasnt there for himn and now he wants a divorce and i dont we have a 16 month old son and my husband is telling me to move on and that he has moved on and now is dating someone i went to school with and he says he forgot all the memories in which we had and that he wishes i felt like this when he needed me an d now his heart and mind is in a different place and during the seperation i got the mans name tattooed on me also and i need to get my husband back we are now in the process of a divorce he also says maybe we can get back together in five years but there is no guarantee and that he can offer me his friendship but i love him too much and i need and want to keep my family ...help

• One of the Guys 2013-01-14 09:30:34 said:

  @Delilah.....Thanks for sharing your opinion.

• Delilah Curtis 2013-01-14 08:36:30 said:

  What a horrible situation. My heart goes out to you! It sounds to me, from my distant perspective, that you're better off without him. You feel now that you'll always love him, but you won't, at least not to the extent that you hurt over him any longer. Give yourself and your child a chance to heal and grow, and you'll find life good again. Keep busy and try to concentrate on other, more positive parts of your life.

• One of the Guys 2012-12-23 20:22:14 said:

  @Navjot.....We're sorry, but we're not sure what you'd like us to do. Your husband needs to stand up to his parents. If he's not able to do that he's probably not mature enough to be anybody's husband. But we agree, you shouldn't be treated the way you're being treated. But it's up to your husband to stop it.

• Navjot 2012-12-23 17:49:08 said:

  My in laws behavior with me was not good.Even that they kept me in their house as i was their servent. Their daughters also live with them and me and my elder sister in law had to do all household chores.And my mother in law and father in law did not gave me a permission to go out and work anywhere.But i was well educated.they even gave mentally torture me and my parents who are in India.two months before because of some reasons i called the police,picked up my stuff and left my home.Me and my husband still love each other.We always talk to each other on phone.I want to live with him and he too wants to live with me.The problem is that he has no guts and he can't say to his parents that we want to live together and his parents already said him that if he will leave a house he can't come back even when they(his parents)will die.But my husband is my life.I will die without him.I m living with someone knowing me.But i can't stay with them forever.I am alone in this country.please help me to solve out this problem.I am in so much stress this time.I don't want to lose my husband.Please do something.I want him back within a weak.I will be very thankful to you.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-27 09:05:56 said:

  @Jolla....We're sorry about your situation and understand why you'd feel that way. Let us know if we can help explain anything. However, we can also assure you that not all men are like this. There are many men that take their responsibilities very seriously. But of course, not on this forum. Take care of yourself. And thanks for sharing your viewpoint. We appreciate it. If you could, take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page.

• Jolla 2012-11-27 05:08:42 said:

  Gee, What is wrong with men these days. I am going through a similar situation. My husband has been cheating on me for 5 months and does not feel any guilt. Instead told me I must divorce him so that we can start dating again...the cheek! Unfortunately they always blame everything on the wife, instead it is their own insecurities that are the cause of all the hart ache. They tend to forget their responsibilities and promises they made. I think the best we as women can do is make our children's lives better and prevent them from growing up to think that it is ok to make promises that can't be kept!!

• One of the Guys 2012-11-25 12:34:59 said:

  @Sadwife.....You're just going to have to pay attention to how you're feeling and how the two of you are getting along. And wait and see. Good luck and keep us posted.

• sadwife 2012-11-25 12:12:26 said:

  You guys hit it right on the nose I just have so much to think about. I love him and hate to have wasted so much time. We just recently brought our first home. Ill just have to get to know me more aswell as him. Before i decide what to; I really dont have a life outside of him and work. Your questions I dont know the answers to but now I have a more clear picture of whats going. It fits so well because the love is there but so many things are changing. I really want to give it a shot but im not totally convinced it can work. I guess its hurts hearing him say it because I never admitted I feel similar. What to do now besides wait and see.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-23 16:28:01 said:

  @sadwife......Before we share our opinions could you answer a few questions: What exactly do you want here? Do you want to try and save the marriage or do you think you should go your separate ways? Clearly the two of you are very different in your approach to life. And that probably wasn't as clear when you got married since you were so young. What we see is two people beginning to grow into who they really are. And now that you are, you can both see that you're very different. This doesn't mean there's no hope here. But it does mean both of you need to take a hard look at the situation and then decide if it's what you really want. In essence you have to choose one other again with your new knowledge. And from our perspective it seems that both of you are unsure if that's what you really want to do. Because yes, it's going to take a lot of work on both your parts to reconfigure, rebalance, and realign yourselves. Your thoughts? Fill us in some more and we'll offer some more opinions. Take care. And ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. ps. We hope you'll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. @TGPBuzz

• sadwife 2012-11-23 13:43:56 said:

  I told him i needed more attention then he said he has a lot on his mind its hard to force compliments and say nice things when im not taking the best care of myself. I was so hurt i cried that made it worst because he said he was just being honest he does love me and still finds me attractive but i could be more attractive and have a better attitude what to do i love him, kinda dont prefer his work ethics or how he purses his dreams kinda all over the place struggling with what he wants to do with his life. He is a good guy we havent been talking much and know i see he has met a woman much younger they have been texting nice things to each other i caught him texting and smiling i havent made him smile in weeks couldnt really see the text since he takes his phone everywhere, dont want to question him about it, we are 24and26 i thinks shes 19 im just so confused hes asking me to not question or harass him hes thinking. he just doesnt knw if this can work long term cause of our personalities. His a dreamer im a realist my approach to things comes off negative, i could go on and on help

• sadwife 2012-11-23 13:30:15 said:

  Hey guys im totally confused!!!! My husband said he needs time to think about future. Says he loves me but are personalities clash and we have yo debate everything. He says he's tired of debating, arguments and i have slowly picked up weight over the course of our 6yrs married. I work constanly and am kinda of grumpy cause i feel he needs to do more. He has a lot of changes going within his self and isnt happy where he is. I kinda hinted we should break up now hes saying hes convinced it wont work. He also said i coukd be thinner and nicer if i wanted more attention

• Emily 2012-11-14 02:57:51 said:

  My husband and I are both dual military we spend alot of time apart. I'm pregnant and had to go back to the states (we live in Germany) to drill for the Army. While away he didn't really call, hardly texted me. I confronted him because that wasn't like him (Granted I was a little hormonal, I flipped out and asked if he was cheating or if we should be considering divorce) He has a really busy work schedule and so spending time together has been hard. He agreed to try and work it out then two days later called and just told me he loves me but not the way a husband should, that he's been unhappy because he can't talk to me and that he hates how we argue (we've gotten into the habit of threatening divorce) So when I asked if he still loved me he said yes, if he was attracted to me he said yes, if I was still a best friend and he said yes... He just doesn't like having to check in all the time. I offered again to try and work on it and he got very angry and just said no, no no... almost childlike. He has a new guy friend who's single and has been going out with him and staying at his place (he wrecked his car earlier this week) I feel that maybe its his single friend who's steaming this up. We argue but we usually don't have other people there to add input into our relationship. I feel like we've used divorce as a threat for so long we no longer take it seriously and so he's doing the angry act to get my attention. How could a man go from spending every last minute with me while I'm with him and nearly crying when he expresses how he loves me to not even trying to work it out. I'm so confused!

• One of the Guys 2012-11-05 14:28:54 said:

  @Scared and Lost.......Most situations are never completely black and white. Yes, he might want a divorce, but that doesn't mean he can't remember any of the good times you shared together. This vacillation is quite normal. However, be careful. We're not saying this is the case, but his particular behavior—being nice, affectionate, following you around, etc.—sounds like typical behavior of a guy looking for sex. He may deny it if you brought it up, but it sounds very familiar to us. But remember, even if the two of you hooked up again, or had sex, or made love, whatever, that doesn't mean he wants to get back together. Guys don't think that way. They can easily compartmentalize sex from any other aspect of their lives. And having sex is not necessarily a precursor of reconciliation.

• Scared&lost 2012-11-05 14:21:06 said:

  He came home early last night and struck up conversations with me while I was cooking. Of course I wasn't saying too much. At one point he said that honestly he was happy im home. He said he missed me and apologized for being rude the past few days, he said he needed his space and when he came home to find us gone it made him angry. He kept following me around too for a bit, it was weird. He kept being affectionate and told me he loved me which I liked. At the end of the night however, he said he still wanted it but kept saying how much he didn't want us to hate each other and be sour. I told him I really didn't want it and that I don't believe in divorce especially if a problem can be fixed. He went off to say that if he goes out to drink at friends he would be comin in at 4 or 5 am.. So, I don't think he's going to change his behavior anytime soon. However his loving behavior makes me curious because you would think a person that wants divorce would be mean and hateful all of the time

• One of the Guys 2012-11-05 09:15:12 said:

  @Scared and Lost.....We know you're confused and you can keep asking as many questions as you'd like. Lots of people don't file for divorce right away. Some people take years to get around to it. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. It could just mean he hasn't made it a priority. (You're already broken up so in his mind it's just a formality) Have you tried to talk to him more about your situation? That's how you'll gauge where his head's at and if he's confused or not. It just seems like if you try to reconcile he's going to have to be committed to changing his behavior and we're not seeing it right now. We see the opposite. Someone who just wants to have fun and do whatever they feel like.

• Scared&lost 2012-11-04 20:28:02 said:

  Well I came home because I wasn't going to go without gas or food anymore and found he's been out partying and having a good old time with friends. He won't say anything about the divorce and hasn't filed so I'm wondering what the deal is. The most he's done is tell his mom he wants it and she is against divorce. Obviously he won't speak to me unless I say something so I quit talking. I'm going to do what's best for me and my baby but I don't understand why he's not saying anything about the divorce and hasn't filed. Could he just be wanting to have his fun and is confused? The only things we have agreed on were to wear our rings and not see anyone until its over with, and also to give me time to find a better job. Sorry I keep asking questions. I'm just confused.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-04 09:51:25 said:

  @ScaredandLost.........We can tell you're a strong lady. That's good, because your baby needs you to be. And frankly, you need to be strong for yourself. However, we can't tell you exactly what to do. You'll know when it's time to move on. Probably when you feel you've exhausted every possible avenue and you've had it. Frankly, it just seems like he has no real sense of what it takes to be a devoted husband and responsible father. It would be a big leap for him to get there any time soon. We wish we could just give you the answer, but this is the time for you to evaluate what's in front of you and ask yourself a bunch of questions. What is life going to be like with this man? Do I trust him? (Not just to be faithful, but to be there when it matters, for me and my baby.) Will he do this sort of thing again? (This is part of the trust we're talking about) Is he going to step up to the plate anytime soon? Etc. When you decide on the answers to those questions that's when you'll know what to do.

• Scared&lost 2012-11-04 00:19:11 said:

  Thank you for responding. He has messaged me to say not to worry about coming home tonight because hes not in the mood and wants to be alone. He still talks to me, still calls me things like babe. My guess is he's either thinking about things or he just really doesn't want to be around me. The first time I found out he wanted a divorce, he would not come out and say it. I sensed it and asked him and he bounced around the question and eventually said yes. This past week we went to a friends house and had a sit down talk since he will be open to listen to their opinions. They told him what needed to be said and he said he was willing to go to counseling. The day after it all fell apart and he continued to be inconsiderate by letting his buddy come over and stay up all night til the crack of dawn. I told him if he can stay up all night then I believe he can get up in the morning sometimes and do something with me and the baby. Clearly he did not like it and the next day he told me he was done, which was day before yesterday. Yesterday is when i left so now I am stuck wondering if he's still deciding on what he wants or if he's really going to go through with it. Only thing keeping me going is our baby and the tiny shred of hope that the time apart would make him miss me. Guys should I just move on or keep hoping? Yes I agree his behavior is unacceptable. I will share your site with friends.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-03 17:45:28 said:

  @Scared and lost.......Nothing is wrong with you. This is a very emotional time. You've got a young baby and that alone is stressful enough. But now you're having to take care of your baby without your husband's love and support. Or even worse, while your husband is intermittently mean to you. Anyone in your situation would feel sad and depressed. But try to be strong, at least for your child. As per your husband. He's as confused as you. Getting married is stressful enough for many guys, but becoming a father is the moment when they realize that they're no longer the most important person in their life. And that is completely overwhelming. If your husband has anger issues, or if he's immature, we can only imagine what he must be going through. However, that is no excuse. His behavior is unacceptable. Being nice and telling you he doesn't deserve you, doesn't erase his mean and hurtful remarks. If he's not willing to do some serious work on himself, and agree to go to couple's counseling, we're not sure if this is going to work. We know this is sad but remember, don't settle. Feeling lonely and maligned while in a relationship is a lot worse than being alone and single. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. Keep us posted. ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Scared&lost 2012-11-03 08:18:23 said:

  Hi there, Really needing help and never done this before. My husband and I have an 8month old, we've only been married for going on 11 months. He has an anger and immaturity problem that I discovered after I became pregnant in which he treated me badly due to his "stress" and anger problems. Well I stand my ground during arguements, we have argued over him not giving me what i need emotionally and lovingly when i do so much for him and he doesn't like it so there's arguing more than a few times a week. For instance this last one I asked him why he would talk to everyone else but not me and he responded hatefully "because I don't like talking to you".. Before that happened, During an argument last month he told me he cheated on me a few months ago and now he wants a divorce because he says he's unhappy and we fight all the time. He previously agreed to marriage counseling and says he will work on things but he never goes through with it. I took the baby and now at a family members house so my husband can have his space from me. I have been sick to my stomach to where my appetite is grossly affected, I've lost a lot of weight, my depression and anxiety is at its highest point that I cannot sleep well because when I do, I have horrible nightmares. I have sought help for myself but in the mean time have no idea what I should do and I don't even want this divorce. He has been awake all night, asking me where I am because I only left a note stating that I was giving him space, I love him, and not to worry because I'm not running off with the baby. I have spoken with him to let him know where I am but I'm confused... Why would he spat hateful things to me then turn around to say he doesn't deserve to be in our bed like he's feeling guilty, and admit he still cares for me but also say he wants a divorce? I feel like something is wrong with me... Id appreciate a little bit of sunshine through the fog.

• One of the Guys 2012-11-01 11:33:15 said:

  @Totally Lost.....We really are so sorry. Hang in there. As hard as this is you need to give him space. He's trying to sort out what he wants. There's nothing you can do except keep expressing to him that you love him and still want to be with him, and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage. (Couples counseling, etc.) However, this still needs to be on his timeline. Meaning, don't remind him everyday. And it doesn't all have to be talk either. You could remind him by doing nice things for him. But be careful to not go over the top. He'll get annoyed and frustrated since he's expressed that he needs some space. Give this some more time and try to take care of yourself in the meantime. Hopefully he'll come to his senses soon. Thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted.

• totally lost 2012-11-01 05:04:03 said:

  my husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 4.. We don't have any kids.. Last week out of the blue he tells me that he doesn't think we should be together anymore cuz neither one of us r happy. Like any other relationship we have had or ups and downs. I think we have just lost each other in the day to day routine. Go to work and come home.. he tells me he loves me but not in love with me anymore.. He's sick of my nagging and bi*ching all of the time. But I felt so alone.. I always just felt I was second best.. Soo I guess negative attention was better than no attention at all.. I love him and want to save my marriage. I cannot imagine going through life without him by my side.. He hasn't left yet.. we have been having small talk conversations, but when I bring up him wanting to get a divorce or tell him how much I love him and want him to reconsider, he gets aggravated with me.. I am just so upset! I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying and can't stop thinking about not having in my life! I don't know what to do.. I feel so lost and desperate. I want to give him his space to let him think, but this is killing me.. He also told me that he would probably regret it but if he does he'll know where I'll go and knows where I work! I told him he can't divorce me and then date me again.. I said why don't u date me now? he said he just wants to be by hisself for awhile to see if he can find happiness.. I am sorry for such a long and all over the page essay, but I am so devastated!

• One of the Guys 2012-10-11 09:07:21 said:

  @Nee....We'd say that it's very important to start processing all of these issues together. Meaning you need to start talking with him about everything—your feelings, his feelings, the past, the present, how you see moving forward. (Have you seen a couple's counselor? It might be worth it, as long as he's willing.) There is a lot to sort out here Nee, but if you both love one another and want to try again you can repair what's broken. But it's going to take time. Be patient and start talking. Communication is the key to rebuilding trust. Do you have any other follow up questions? Keep us posted. ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Nee 2012-10-11 08:01:57 said:

  I divorced my husband because I was angry. He left me and I was pregnant, he was locked up for four years. I had to raise two children by myself. He used to cheat on me, but now I realize that I really love him and want my marriage back. What can I do?

• Veronica 2012-10-01 11:26:55 said:

  Thank you.

• One of the Guys 2012-10-01 08:26:08 said:

  @Veronica......We are so sorry. Truly we are. But it's time to shift your thinking, wouldn't you say? Forget the other women. We'd be surprised if any of them are around in a year or two. He might start some sort of physical relationship with them, but he has no intention of committing to any of them. (Even if they think he is, or even if he says he is) But it seems pretty clear that he also has no intention of coming back. Once a person starts to get cruel it usually means the end. He probably feels the need to be cruel because he wants you to be clear that he's not coming back, and he knows that you want him back, so he's doing everything he can to make you see that it's over. We wish there was another way to say it, but every time you share something new, it just seems clearer and clearer. We think you need to shift your focus on piecing your life back together without him. And we urge you to start talking to someone regularly. (Counselor, therapist, professional.) Doing that will help you work through your grief and anger, and help you gain some new perspective as you move forward. The other thing to understand Veronica, is that your kids need you. We know you feel completely overwhelmed right now, but you've got to be strong for your kids, and your baby. You can do it. Once you stop focusing on reconciliation, and put your energy toward reclaiming your life, you might see that every day is just slightly better than the next, and that each day brings a new insight, or new strength that you didn't possess the day before. Hang in there and take care of yourself. And find someone to talk to. That should be a priority.

• Veronica 2012-10-01 00:57:58 said:

  Hi guys! Just wanted to share an update. I found out today he met someone last week. I'm very angry and hurt and can't understand how he can even put himself out there when we are just starting the divorce process and I'm 6 months pregnant. He said nothing has happened, that he just met her, but I know exactly what's going to happen. It may be physical but I'm scared it'll turn into more. I want to get him out of my mind and it's so hard. He said some pretty mean things to me today. He said he didn't even like listening to my voice, and that he should've left me a long time ago. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and I don't know what to do anymore.

• Veronica 2012-09-26 12:26:45 said:

  Thank you very much! It's nice to hear a guys point of view in all of this. I will keep you posted. I'll also be sure to share this site with everyone I know.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-26 06:10:51 said:

  @Veronica.......We're pulling for you and for your family, and hope that he figures out whatever it is he needs to figure out. If his business is collapsing it's likely he's pretty depressed. A man wants to know he can provide for his family in one way or another. So that could also have been factoring into this for a long time as well. Businesses don't suddenly just collapse one day; he's seen signs for a while, just as he's been thinking about your relationship for a long time. So we think your plan to give him space is a good one. He has a lot to sort out and your priority is taking care of your children. So do that as best you can. We can tell you from a guy's perspective, he's not looking to fall in love with someone else. (Unless it's some sort of fantasy that will burst soon enough) We'll be blunt. Most guys, when they split up from a long time relationship, are looking for one thing: sex. He's not looking to fall in love. There are no guarantees but it's likely he's part of the majority. You might even see women around, but he's not choosing them over you; what he's choosing is freedom to do what he pleases over you. (At least right now.) Try to hang in there. And take care of yourself and your kids. ps. If we didn't ask before we'll ask now. Please share our site with friends, or on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. We'd appreciate it. Thanks!

• Veronica 2012-09-25 23:57:24 said:

  Hi! Thanks for all your thoughts. There is nothing more that I want than for our family to be together but if he was truly sorry and wanted to come back I would want a lot of changes to happen with us. The whole privacy thing is an issue. It bothers me that he carries his phone around everywhere he goes. He blocked me on Facebook so that alone tells me he's hiding something. I would want him to either get rid of it or make me more a part of it. Today he talked to me and said he wasn't going to be able to have the kids as much because his business has all of a sudden started collapsing. He was pretty upset but feels he needs to take care of his business in order to provide for his children. I was stupid enough to mention that he can stop the divorce and we can go back to being a family, me taking care of the kids and him putting work and attention into his business. He said he was too stressed with all that was happening with his business to even think about what I said. So I'm thinking of just giving him space, taking care of my children, and praying that whatever path he's on leads him back to his family. The only thing that scares me to death is that he will fall head over heels for someone and never come back.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-25 18:29:46 said:

  @Veronica.......We agree with your sentiments about marriage. There are ups and downs, compromises, sacrifices, in all marriages. It's not 24/7 happiness. It can't be. Life is too complicated and hard for it to be that. But there is nothing like a lifelong bond with another person or people—if there are kids in the picture. Once again, we're sorry he's not able to see that. So if you think there might be someone else, why not just ask him? He's leaving anyway, or at least says he is, so it's not going to tip the scales if you confront him about this. Some people actually need another person waiting in the wings to get the strength to leave a marriage, so it's definitely worth talking to him about it. If there is someone else we doubt it's that serious. Well, she might think it is, but there's no way he's thinking that. So that begs the question: Will he come back after a time, after he gets bored, and then lonely? It's hard to say. The visual contact has nothing to do with how he'll feel. If he decides to come back it will be him lying in his bed at night, looking up at the ceiling and wondering what the heck he was thinking. However, it's too soon to know exactly how this is going to play out. We think you deserve to be told the truth; he needs to answer any question you need to ask him. He owes you that. (That's our opinion) So if he fights that, then that will be another indicator of where he's at. So we have a question for you: Let's say he is seeing someone else, would you take him back if he apologized and said he wanted to try again?

• Veronica 2012-09-25 12:32:06 said:

  Hi! He did tell me that he has felt this way for a long time. I never understood why he didn't communicate his concerns to me. He's always been one to let it bottle up, then it blows up and he's gone. He says we didn't and don't have anything but the kids in common. My response to that is that we started having children right off the bat so I was busy with them while he worked. I know marriages go through rough patches, especially when there are little ones involved, but I also know that there are phases and it will pass. I thought in a marriage you needed patience and support, and it seems that he just doesn't want that. I am so comsumed with how he can leave. I have a gut feeling he's seeing someone. Probably not serious, since he is very selfish and I don't think he's capable of giving his all to someone. I've gotten so desperate that I even contacted psychics. They all said the same thing. "He might be seeing someone, it's not going to work out. He's going to get a rude awakening, and sometime in February or March he'll come back." I want to believe it, but I also know that those things are for entertainment purposes. II just don't know how to act towards him. Will having no visual contact, and only contact about the children help? Is it possible that he'll eventually miss his family? He has told me that sometimes when he goes to his apt he is lonely, and thinks to himself how stupid all of this is, but then he is reassured about the decision to divorce.

• One of the Guys 2012-09-25 06:20:11 said:

  @Veronica.....We're truly sorry. We know this must be so hard. Based on the limited information we have it's difficult to say what your husband is thinking. At first we thought this could be some sort of mid-life crisis, a guy who is completely overwhelmed with the thought of four kids to take care of. However, once you mentioned he cheated and moved out before, that changed our view. We look for patterns in behavior to determine what a person is thinking and how they'll act in the future. Since he's already done this once before it shows that he's been contemplating this for some time now. His cheating two years ago was his first attempt at making the break. He wasn't strong enough to do it then, but it's been brewing for that long, even if it seemed like the two of you were reconciling. But just to be clear, this is not because you need to change, it's because something is going on with him internally that is pulling him away from his family. (We don't even want to guess what that could be.) But to be fair, sometimes relationships run their course, and unfortunately, when kids are involved it's very sad. However, we don't think you're wasting your time by trying to fix what's broken. It's never a waste of time to do everything you can to save a marriage or relationship. But if he's not willing to try, or he's already decided 100% that he's done, nothing much will come of it. But we urge you to keep trying. But we don't think you should start saying you'll change to make him happy. That's not the problem. If he comes back, he needs to come back to you just as you are. Sure, we all can be working to grow as human beings, but making changes for someone else's happiness is a dangerous road to travel. Your thoughts?

• Veronica 2012-09-24 22:26:33 said:

  Hi guys! I've been completely miserable for weeks. My husband of 7 years filed for divorce in July. We have 3 small boys and I am 5 months pregnant with a baby girl. When he found out I was pregnant he was furious. I think it's because he was already planning to file for divorce. He has his own CrossFit gym and loves to work out. I tried to make myself a part of it so that he can feel supported and like he had a companion in what he does, since this was an issue a few years ago when he cheated and moved out. He came back after some months. I changed a lot after that, for the better, but all my efforts seemed to go to waste. He is not much of the doting dad, but does love his children and wants to spend a lot of time with them.  He is actually spending more time with them now since he has to because he is moved out and we each have our days with them. I still have hope that he will come back, especially once our baby girl is born. Am I wasting my time? By the way, he in no way wants to work on our marriage. According to him he just doesn't want to be with me.

• One of the Guys 2012-06-28 20:03:35 said:

  @Samxheartbroken......Well, thanks for checking in with us. We're sorry this isn't working out, but at least he gave you some sort of explanation so you can have some closure. Take care of yourself and keep in touch. Feel free to check back in anytime, or ask us another question.

• Samxheartbroken 2012-06-28 14:53:05 said:

  I just wanted to let you know what happened in the last few days between me and my ex. He finally talked to me and felt it was right to properly explain how he feels. He told me that for some strange reason he just stopped being happy in the relationship. He said I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault. He said he can't even explain it himself. He said he still likes me and finds me very psychically attractive, but he doesn't love me the same way I loves him. We actually touched each other a lot that day and had sex. He said he wanted to see if he can regain his feelings and in the end, he had nothing. He said he felt like an ass for doing it and he apologized to me a lot. A lot of the stuff he said contradicted each other but I gotta give it to him for at least trying to explain to me what was wrong. During our conversation I kept sating what we tried something different, etc. but he just kept saying there was nothing to be fixed. I keep thinking maybe he got bored..but idk..He said he was happy we were talking and that we should talk more..I actually had a pleasant day with him and he left saying he'll miss me and that he'll never forget me..He said he doesn't want me to wait for him to change his mind and that he hopes I find someone much better than him..I don't want to..to me he is really special...anyway, I just thought you should know..I'm still a little confused but I generally understand..again thank you for hearing me out and taking the time to answer my messages..

• One of the Guys 2012-06-12 20:33:30 said:

  @Samxheartbroken......He just doesn't seem to be giving you much at all. Take a break from him, and see how you feel in a month. See how he feels in a month. But at this point he seems pretty firm with his decision. Take care of yourself.

• Samxheartbroken 2012-06-12 14:00:47 said:

  It's been about a month and I'm feeling a bit better, though I'm still a bit confused lol. I decided to text to him again and told him all of my feelings, how I missed him, and etc (bad idea I know) He then tells me he doesn't miss me and I asked if it was okay to call. He says "No, we've talked enough". At that point I decide to end it and not say anything. I leave my phone for a hour to keep myself occupied, when I come back I get a text saying "....okay, we can talk now if you want" and he calls. I missed them both. When I try calling back multiple times and ask him what happened, He sends me back a response saying "I'll let you know when I feel like talking" . I've decided to not talk to him for a month and see where that goes because I honestly don't know what's going on..hopefully during that time I'll end up not caring? But I just don't understand him right now. What do you think?

• One of the Guys 2012-06-02 08:58:20 said:

  @Samxheartbroken.........We just hope we were a help to you. Even to just air your thoughts and feelings. Take care of yourself. And keep in touch and keep us posted. ps. Check back. Sometimes other readers comment on posts and have some different insights than we do.

• Samxheartbroken 2012-06-01 17:20:46 said:

  Thank you for taking the time out to help me with my problem :) and I hope I haven't caused any frustration. Thank you again ^^

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-31 12:48:03 said:

  I contacted him and we were able to meet and talk. He pretty much told me the same thing, but more in depth. That he has been thinking about it for a while, that he misses me but he tries not to because he's trying to move on too, he's done with me relationship wise but he would like to be friends, and that it's too soon to talk to each other. I don't know how I feel anymore..I still don't know if he'll come back or not. I know he's not coming back anytime soon, but is it possible to fall out of love and back again? He says there was nothing wrong with the relationship...I'm not going to contact him again..I just felt either way it was going to hurt...

• One of the Guys 2012-05-29 09:04:50 said:

  @Samxheartbroken........We're so sorry you're hurting so badly. Breaking up is very sad. And letting yourself feel sad is one way to begin the healing process. Having said that, we do believe that people need to do what they need to do in order to heal. And you don't want to have any regrets. We don't think you should contact him, but we're not telling you you shouldn't. That's your call. If you feel you need to contact him, then you have to do what you have to do. Some people can move on after the breakup conversation, and others need to hear it time and time again before they actually "hear" it. We understand if you need to contact him, we just think it's going to be tough. But maybe that's what you need in order to really see this more clearly?

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-29 07:32:52 said:

  I apologize if I wasn't clear. It was more like a tiny get together at a fast food place. He talked to one of his friends and said he just "didn't feel the it" in the relationship with me. He continued throughout the night to ignore me Putting that aside, my feelings to call him have waxed over the past few days as opposed to waned. My friends and family continue to tell me it's a bad idea and I continue to ask for answers on what happen if I do happen to talk to him. My father told me that nobody really knows what's going to happen, but either way I won't be happy. He told me to call in a week when we split and I'm trying my best not to over analyze that in itself. I'm not sure where his feelings lie with me. I'm trying to feel as strong as possible. I do have a feeling he's expecting me to call, but I don't know 100% what to expect. Feelings don't disappear like that after 3 years, and I guess that's what you mean when you say. 'Just because he says he’s not feelin’ it, doesn’t mean he’s not feeling anything.' I'm trying to be as strong as possible, but with each passing day I feel like I'm torturing myself playing the waiting game with him. =/ What do I do and what do you think?

• One of the Guys 2012-05-26 11:25:07 said:

  @Samxheartbroken.........We're a little confused, but we think we get it. You were both at a party and it was very awkward and he was acting funny. Well, it's only normal for both of you to feel a wide mix of emotions when you see each other so soon after breaking up. Just because he says he's not feelin' it, doesn't mean he's not feeling anything. But if he really wanted to get back with you, he would reach out to you. We think you should continue as you are. We can tell you're a strong woman. Hang in there and keep leaning on your friends and family. Last note: We'd stay away from parties he's going to.

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-26 09:39:08 said:

  I'm deciding to come back here and do a progress of what's been going on. I'm feeling better with the support of my family and friends but I also feel I still have time to continue to heal. Something happened, which ponders my mind and I was wondering if you can tell me what I should do and what I should make out of it. Yesterday, I hung out with my friends. Knowing that my ex would be there, I still went because thought it wouldn't matter. Every time he was near me her would leave. One of the guys tried to purposefully leave us alone. But then he left after 20 sec. Everywhere we went he would take of somewhere after 2 min with his guy friends. One of them said my guy is heartbroken, gotta look after him. One of his friends talked to me and said to try not to think about it and just move on if he doesn't come back and said he can't say more than that b/c of the "bro code". As the night progresses, he leaves more frequently away from me. At some point, It suddenly became awkward for me and I became sad. I still had that gut feeling that he was going to come back, but hurt about his actions. He didn't even talk to one friend b/c she was with me the whole night. One the girls told me she doesn't think he's coming back b/c he told her he wasn't feeling it. I still want him to talk to me and my gut feeling continues. After that night I feel like I ruined the night..Could you please tell me what was going on with him and his friends and me and what should I do? Should I just continue as I am?

• One of the Guys 2012-05-23 22:47:56 said:

  @Samxheartbroken......We know this is really hard, especially since he is your first love. Hang in there. No, you shouldn't contact him. You have to be strong here. You CAN be strong here. To answer your other question: Did he ever love me? Absolutely. At least it seems that way to us. But that doesn't mean he's the one for you. And no, your love was not wasted. Love is never wasted because hearts are resilient, and the more you love the more you're able to love. Take care of yourself and keep us posted as this progresses. And thanks for letting your friends know about us.

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-23 17:37:26 said:

  I would also like to say thank you so much and I will definitely tell my friends. I want to ask another question, I have feelings of calling him, but I know he should be the one to contact me. Will that even happen even though he said "Call me in a couple of weeks if you want to be friend"? I shouldn't and I will not contact him at all, I would like to have dignity and not fall for this again..

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-23 17:26:39 said:

  I bought myself a book to help me cope today. I've also started to eat small amounts of food to build up my hunger. I'm trying to find work so I can keep myself busy. The only thing that I find myself doing is trying to back up and affirm my gut feeling. I asked many friends the same question "Do you think he's coming back?". Few tell me they don't know and that doesn't matter right now and basically the same thing you guys said "He'll do it again if /when he does come back" My sister told me he was through especially since he didn't make any offer to be my friend. He just told I should call when I want to be his friend, not "I think we should be friend." (Why leave a door open for me?), which made me gut feeling feel stronger and weird..and that if 5 or more people tell me one thing then it's probably right, right? But I keep pushing and saying "They're wrong, no one knows, go with your intuition, please.." Some of friends told me they don't even know.. I do agree with them and you that in the end it's up to me. I do think he'll do it again because he may see me as a toy. I don't want to think about when he'll come back it may be soon, it may not..He said it's a "feeling" this time and it's different from last time. My friends told me he's been thinking about this longer than a week. I think he's been thinking about less. I agree he is confused/indecisive. What I want to now is, did he ever love me? At all? :( I feel like all my love was wasted.. On a side note, I will try to move on. I will always love him, but I don't want to be hurt again. He was my first love and I was his. I will give him what he wants. If/when (what my gut is telling me)he comes back that's when I think about taking him back or not but right now I have to focus on myself :)

• One of the Guys 2012-05-23 14:05:41 said:

  @Samxheartbroken.....We're sorry you're going through a rough time right now. But we have to agree with your friends for the most part. What struck us the most is when you said, "I've been the one to put the most effort in the relationship." The thing is, relationships are a two way street. There needs to be a balance of power and a balance of effort. Without both of them, resentment and anger build up, and eventually the relationship dies. We know you're heartbroken, but your gut seems to be telling you something. Listen to it. (Watch our video on the topic: Trust your Gut and/or Listen to Your friends. Go to Video Page) Anyway, we don't doubt that he'll be back at some point, but will it be because he loves you, or because he's lonely? That's a question you might want to ask yourself. Because this isn't the first time he's broken up with you, and even if you get back together it probably won't be the last, because he seems conflicted, confused, and uncertain about the relationship. And he's backed these feelings up with actions: breaking up with you. So give this some time, try to surround yourself with positive people. (Family and friends) And start seeing the world without him. Because we think by the time he comes back, it's very likely you'll realize you've moved on. Good luck. We're pulling for you. Keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question anytime. Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a Memoir.” Finally, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

• Samxheartbroken 2012-05-23 13:34:29 said:

  Hey guys, this is my first time being on here and I would like advice. This is my first time being on here, I'm not married or anything, but I would like my boyfriend back.. Recently, my boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. About 2 weeks after my birthday. He told me he didn't feel the same way as I do anymore and that he things it would be right to end it now before it's too late. He said he's been thinking about this the whole week he was away from me and that he he had to talk to his mom about it as well. He told me I should move on and he just wants me to be happy. He said he doesn't think we should call each other for a couple of weeks and if I still want to be his friend I should call him. As I cried and told him I loved him and it's going to be hard all he said was okay multiple times and I left saying goodbye. He left silently. It came suddenly to me b/c just the week before we were planning a picnic saying I love you's back and forth.. He was more distant than usual for a week but that's only b/c I thought he was with his friends.We've done the long distance relationship thing for a year in college and we never complained. It was something I could get use to. He broke up with me before. Our last week in high school he broke up with me because he didn't want to be in a relationship. Though 5 days later after 2 car rides, talks we got back together. I've called multiple friends and my family has been checking up on my periodically, but I feel angry, and upset. I have a deep rooted feeling that he'll come back, but not as soon as before. I honestly don't know if I want him back if that occurs. I talked to my friends and they told me not to call, not to do anything. One of them told me that it's over and he's not going to come back because we're not in HS anymore and he won't see his guilt (me) walking around... When my friend told me I wanted to cry again...They know I've been the one to put the most effort in the relationship and they told me I don't have to do that anymore. He's been everything to me, my friend, the one I go to when I want to talk to. I just don't feel the same. I haven't eaten properly for 3 days.. Well, what do you think? Do think he'll come back to me? Do you think he's moved on? Please help :( Signed, Samxheartbroken

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