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Hi Guys,
I hope things are well with you.
After almost 3 years I saw my ex husband again and it feels like the first day I met him. Luckily he feels the same way. However, he is in a new relationship and asked the lady to leave but she told him to tell me if we want her to leave I must throw out her stuff. I can’t do that.
We have a little boy together that visits his dad quite often. It breaks my heart to see my boy with this lady. And this woman doesn’t want my ex to go to places without her so he and I can’t have a proper talk.
We’ve both wondered if we could maybe cancel the divorce. What would be the steps be to cancel it? We really think that things can work out for us, but like I said the lady is the problem. She doesn’t want to leave unless we can cancel the divorce. Then she says she will leave.
I hope to hear from soon.
Thanks,
Lizette
Dear Lizette,
Thanks for your question.
We’re not quite sure what you mean by canceling the divorce, especially three years later. Do you mean an annulment? We think it’s probably a bit late for that. Read about it here: Annulment.
But what puzzles us is: Why are you both letting this other woman dictate the course of your lives? Unless the situation is much more complicated than it seems, she shouldn’t be prohibiting the two of you from being together. It sounds like you both feel sorry for her, which means you both have good hearts, but even still, that shouldn’t stop you from being together. We’re sure there’s a way to help her land on her feet and also reunite with your ex. You’ll have to figure that one out though.
You are not the first couple to consider trying again after getting divorced. Sometimes people aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship the first time around. But by the time they meet up again, they’ve both gained insight into relationships, gathered more life experience, and now know what they really want. Hopefully the two of you are at this place.
We do think you should proceed slowly with all of this. First your ex needs to figure out what he’s doing with his current relationship. But even if he extracts himself, the two of you should move slowly, almost as if you’re dating for the first time. It would be easy to jump into things since you already have been intimate in many ways, however it’s important for you to talk about your relationship and ask some important questions.
1. Why did we break up in the first place?
2. What’s changed since then?
3. How are we going to deal with these problems if they occur again?
4. How are we going to solve problems when they arise in general?
5. What do we want out of a relationship?
6. Do either of you want more kids?
(This list could go on for a while.)
We’d even go so far as to suggest seeking out a professional to help you work through these questions before you jump right back into things. The last thing you want is for the two of you to get back together only to realize a year down the road that nothing has changed. Not only would that be difficult for both of you, but your son would get dragged through the mud as well.
Good luck. We hope it all works out for you.
THE GUYS
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@Zaaana........Thanks for your honest letter. Life is complicated, marriage is complicated, kids are complicated, and throw an affair into the mix and things can get out of control. We applaud you for 'fessing up and trying to put your marriage back together. Your husband may have some faults but he is trying to forgive which maybe shows some growth on his part. If you truly want to put the pieces back together you're going to need to break off all ties with this other man. We are not telling you what to do, but if you really want to be with your husband there's no other way to go about it. You don't owe this other man anything, although we realize you care deeply about him. Also, he's not some kid. He was fully aware he was getting involved with a married woman. And when you do that anything can happen. There are no guarantees that she'll leave her husband and you'll live happily ever after, even if she promises that. Look Zaana. We can't tell you what the right thing is to do. Sure, we don't like to see marriages break up, especially when there are kids involved, but at the same time, sometimes people fall out of love, and in love with someone else. Preferably the marriage breaks up BEFORE the other person enters the picture, but we also know that life is complicated. (We said this before) So you have to factor in all things. What is your gut telling you to do? How can you best take care of your kids? Are you getting back involved with your husband out of guilt, or love? Will you be happy with your husband? If not, will an unhappy mom be good for her kids? Will you be better for your kids if you're happy and with this other guy? How will your husband react to you leaving? All of these questions and more need to be answered by you in order for you to make the right decision. And only you knows what that is. Good luck. We're pulling for you.
ive been married for 10 years, have 3 children. our marriage has been days ups and days of downs - where his temper would rage and i'd end up apologising just to calm him down and diffuse the situation. in 2011 our relationship drifted after a fall-out he had with my dad. i tried my best to resolve it and as a result would leave my spouse and i at logger-heads. towards the end of 2011 i had an affair with a single man. it was an instant attraction...electric and we both fell deeply inlove; he is willing to accept me and my kids. at this time i had asked my husband for a separation as we were no longer communicating. soon, he was made aware of my affair via an accidental text he retrieved off my mobile. i admitted to it. but lied about falling inlove. ive come to the decision that i do want to salvage my marriage. my husband has taken ill recently. he has forgiven me and wants to trust me again. this other man ..whom i still have deep feelings for is feeling undone.. feeling as though i havent given him a fair chance; as though im "throwing him away";and is almost suicidal now as a result. he expects me to fight for him; he expects me to be true to myself and leave my husband. ive explained to this other man than "somethings are just not meant to be...". i feel i need to pick-up my family and be there for everyone: for my ill husband and for my kids who need to see their parents together. he wants me to tell my story to a marriage counselor whom he feels will guide me and make me realise that "we are meant to be". i feel horrible for hurting him (this other man) this way. but ive told him i need to be there for my family. i feel like telling him the proverbial saying of: if you someone deep enough you'll let them go... please advise me. your advise will be highly and truly appreciated. thank you.
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