I’m with someone who still has feelings for his ex
Posted by One of the Guys on May 23rd, 2011and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with 8 responses, what do you think?
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Dear Guys,
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about two months. It seems like a short period of time. For me it was beautiful and enough time for me to fall in love with him. He broke up with his ex-partner of 2 years about a month before meeting me. We met in February and were together in March. We’ve been together ever since. Suddenly his ex found out he was with me and she demanded to see him. When I spoke to my guy he told me it was over between them and that was beyond repair. I trust him for this. But he also told me he still has feelings for her. And that he still wants to be with me too. He said he understood if I wanted to leave him because he still had feelings for her. I asked him why he got with me when he had feelings for her, and asked him if I was a rebound. He said that I was not a rebound. Then I asked him if he was with me just for sex. He said he enjoyed me for everything. Meaning not just sex, but also my company etc. I love him. I dont want to lose him. It hurts me that he still has feelings for her. When we got together, we played together, we laughed. We had small issues where he was jealous of the amount of men approaching me. We resolved this gently and we were going great. After his ex contacted him, we weren’t so playful anymore. He barely even kisses me. I’m ready to accept he still has feelings for her, and that he will get over her in due time -because he told me they were beyond repair. But the pain is still there. He is good to me, but I feel broken. I know he is too. I love him. I want to stay with him. I’ve had many boyfriends before him. and never did it hurt me to leave them when they betrayed me. But he is different. He is 20 years older. I love his eyes, his hair, his faults and his brilliance. I do not know what to do. I dont want us to end.
Leila
Dear Leila,
Thanks for writing to us.
It’s entirely possible that your new boyfriend has feelings for his ex and for you at the same time. Even if his previous relationship is beyond repair, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her, or has forgotten all the good times they had together. Just like you might remember many of the fun times you had with your ex-boyfriends.
The issue here is time, or lack of time, between his break up and the beginning of your relationship. People often need more time than a month to heal from such a monumental loss or change. He was with his ex for two years, which means it could take him quite a long time to be truly open to a new person.
Are you ready to be patient Leila? Because if you’re not, you need to move on now. This could be a long process. And frankly, he still seems emotionally “open” to his ex, which does not bode well for any type of new relationship. It sounds like they’re still in the “extracting stage,” which can sometimes involve emotional outbursts, passionate pleas, and even hooking up a few times. We would recommend keeping a low profile during this time. There’s certainly no reason you couldn’t date him and enjoy his company, but we might hold off on any more serious physical activity(sex) until he’s a bit more removed from her.
But break ups and beginnings are never really “clean” anyway, so even if he’s finally broken off all communication with his ex, or at least nothing more than the occasional phone call, if for some reason they try to remain friends, which is unlikely, he’s still going to have a place in his heart for the memories of that relationship. But it’s still possible to begin a new connection with you even after he’s truly extracted himself. And as things progress with you, hopefully, the luster of these memories will fade, and the more present moments with you will take over the forefront of his mind and heart. We just don’t think he’s quite ready yet.
We know you think this man is special but don’t wait forever, and don’t sacrifice everything just to be with him. What we mean is don’t sacrifice who you are and who you want to be, just to be with this man. Twenty years is quite a gap, and although it’s not impossible to bridge that gap, he has a lot of time on you where he’s explored and lived. Don’t stop living your life and pursuing your goals to be with him or any man. Stay true to yourself.
Keep us posted. Leave us a follow up comment or comments.
THE GUYS
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Tagged with: dating advice column • ex-girlfriend • guys • hooking up • older guy • older men • relationship advice column • relationship questions • relationships • sex
it is slightly difficult since i live with him aswell. i have been so since we got together. i never realised love could be so painful as this. i don’t know how to not care for him. i am still able to pursue my career choices and be who i am. i feel like i am a better me with him. but the thought he may get back with her lingers in me. and that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and insecure for the first time in my life.
I too am in the same situation, Leila. It’s weird because it’s the exact same problem, only my guy is 18 and we don’t live together. So we’re practically young and reckless.
Last night we were talking and laughing on the phone and all of a sudden his voice got a little raspy and he started to hesitate to tell me that he had gotten a text from his ex, and he has been, he’s just now deciding to tell me. Which hurt me, cause it made me feel like he feels as if he can’t talk to me about anything. Now he’s all sad and depressed because of her… I told him I’d be there for him no matter what happens, even if he goes back to her. Yeah, I’ll be hurt, but it’s for the best. I still don’t know what to do.. So I guess I’ll just fade out until then…
@Jennifer……Thanks for offering your viewpoint to the discussion. Some people think they’re broken up only to realize that they haven’t let go. These feelings often don’t surface until someone new is in the picture. Hopefully your guy will realize how good he has it now with you and move past his previous relationship. Keep us posted. And good luck.
To all you ladies in this situation, just dump him. Why would you stay in a relationship with someone who’s still in love with someone else. He didn’t make time to get over her and move on. He jumped into a relationship with you, without considering your feelings. Leila, you said that you can still pursue career choices and be who you are. If you want to stay with someone like him and try to ignore his feelings for his ex, then you’re not as independent as you claim to be. You depend on his “love” for you, and you fell in love with him and moved in with him within two months? Doesn’t that kinda seem off. Maybe you just want a relationship so bad, that you would try to pass this off and continue with him. Like career choices, you can pursue any other guy. He’s not the last man on earth, and how could he be the one if you’ve been only dating for two months. Be more independent by increasing your self-respect and self-confidence. By doing that, you can fully determine whether you want to continue this relationship or not.
@Realist…..Thanks for offering your opinion to the discussion.
i really hope in the time since you posted this and now you worked things out for the best. I too am going through a similar situation. I started dating this guy and oh wow.. he makes me laugh and feel so good and then.. he tells me he still has feelings for his ex. I am ready to accept this but he won’t move on. He says that I am a much nicer person than her and he doesn’t want to be with her, but WHY won’t he move on? I have spoken to a few guys friends I have and they tell me it’s good he is being honest with me, it’s a good sign, but it sure doesn’t feel like one. I’ve seen pictures of her and she looks so much better then me and I just want to chance to show him how much fun we could have together and how much i understand and support his career/lifestyle (army) I just need him to open up. His friends describe him as a robot when it comes to feelings but how is that going to help the situation. Do I walk away before I get in too deep or do I stay and wait around to be picked like some flower in a field of so many…
@Katie…..It’s hard to walk away when you feel strongly about someone, especially since you don’t know what he’s really thinking. Your question: Why won’t he move on? Obviously he’s still attached to her. Do you know the details of the breakup? If she broke up with him then it’s likely he still has strong feelings for her. And how recent did they break up? And how long were they together? Both determine how long he’ll take to get over her. The thing is, if you’re dating him now you’re going to get dragged through the mud for a while. He’s processing and trying to figure out how he feels. This could take months or even longer. We don’t think you should necessarily bolt, but maybe you should just be friends with him for a while? Or at least proceed—date him— with caution. The last thing is you could try and talk to him about his relationship to get some information for yourself. Just don’t be the woman whose shoulder he cries on. Because once he’s done crying he’ll be moving on and taking his tears with him.
Thank you, it makes sense. I guess guys are just as complicated too. I told him it’s like a brick wall and he can knock it down if he wants to and he told me he is trying but he wants me to help him knock it down. I don’t know how to do this.
Thank you for your help.