Is Friendship Possible after Dating?
Posted by One of the Guys on October 15th, 2009and was filed in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer with 16 responses, what do you think?
Dear Guys,
I recently dated a guy who I liked quite a lot. We went out for about six weeks and seemed to have a great time together. He said he was very attracted to me, but he was nervous about having sex with me. He said his life was too overwhelming with the current divorce proceedings under way and so he didn't want to make things more confusing. I was fine with that. Like I said, he was a great guy. But it became clear to me that the relationship wasn't going to go any further than a friendship. He pretty much said he wanted to just be friends. And I actually think he was being serious and valued our friendship a lot. We did… AND do…. have a great time together.
I'd like to have him as a friend, but the problem is I'm still attracted to him. Will this work? What do THE GUYS think?
Anonymous
Dear A,
Our first reaction is to say, forget him. Unless the friendship you have with him is so unique you can't replace it with anyone else, this situation is just going to make you frustrated and angry. Don't you have enough friends already?
Sure, two people can be friends after breaking up but it's not that common. Some of the GUYS have managed to do this, but it's not the easiest road to take, especially if one party is hoping for something more. And that's the key for you. This guy has made it pretty clear he just wants to be friends. And when a guy says that believe us he means it, otherwise he's doing everything he can to get you in bed. So if you think you can change his mind, you're going to be disappointed. Although, stranger things have happened. But it's very unlikely.
Women seem better at evaluating relationships and compartmentalizing each piece. So a woman might be more apt to try to salvage a great friendship even if the guy is the one that broke up with her. (Ladies please let us know if we're way off base here! We're complimenting you, but don't let us get out of line.) But GUYS are different. If a woman breaks up with a GUY he might pretend to be a friend, but only because he's still secretly hoping for sex. But generally he's OUTTA there once it's over!
So you decide. Is the friendship worth the possible pain? And ask yourself this. If he starts seeing someone else, are you going to feel like being a supportive friend then?
Good luck.
THE GUYS
Tagged with: dating • friendship • guys • relationship advice • relationships • sex
I agree with The Guys. It will only cause pain on your part. You’ll find yourself wishing for more, you may even get more from him, say in the heat of the moment, or a drunken night, but in the end it will go back to his original answer, that he just wants to be friends. Trust me, as someone who has been there, it is very painful, and better to be avoided.
Sidenote to The Guys-I gave you an award on my blog!
Alas, my experience is that the answer is no. Once I made the fatal mistake of saying that I hoped we always be friends no matter what. Well, “what” happened, and that was that.
He did, however, write an hysterical letter for me which I posted recently:
THE LETTER YOU CAN’T REFUSE
http://www.i-cant-believe-im-not-bitter.com/2009/aug/the-letter-you-can-t-refuse.html
Thank God you told her to move on. I’ve addressed this on my blog….if a guy wants you, he wants you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Why incur emotional pain by being attracted to someone who doesn’t reciprocate? All you’re doing is setting yourself up for being used/manipulated. And it goes for chicks pulling the friend card on men too – it’s because “you’re not good enough to date, but you have a pick-up truck so you could be really handy when I move next month, so let’s see if I can get you to linger around til then.” =)
SJTavo….AMEN!
Thanks for the award Date Girl!
Left you a comment Pat.
Friendships with ex’s get even more complicated than other friendships. There is always that history lurking and one may want more than the other is willing to offer. Life is complex enough without putting ex’s in the mix. There is just a point when it’s time to move on. Plus you might get a sudden flashback on something he did in the past and slap him! Oh, so not a good idea.
I agree with the Guys, all I can see coming out of that situation is a lot of frustration.
If they really didn’t date all that long, I don’t see why friendship isn’t possible, as long as you have enough common intrests on which to base the friendship.
I agree that once you’re an official relationship-type couple, it’s near impossible to dial it back. But this one sounds like it never really got out of the starting blocks. Friendship could be possible, if your writer can accept that limitation.
Been there, still semi-doing it though there’s been a lot less communication over the last five months. He wants to be friends and I’m still hurting over the break-up. I just didn’t want to still be around once someone else entered the picture.
Friends are a good thing to have. If you can handle being friends, I don’t see why not.
All great advice. I think time waiting for the relationship to become more could be used pursuing other more promising relationships, but there again it’s having to start all over again that keeps us hanging on. Being hopeful something will change is a tough spot to be in. With guys it’s spark right from the start. Otherwise it’s a friendship with rarely it turning into something like we want.
The Guys gave a very honest answer here, and it hit all the main points.
I don’t think that she can be friends with him when she’s attracted to him. It sounds like she’s hoping that if she hangs in there as a friend that he will change his mind–bad news.
It also sounds a little like he wants to string her along just in case his situation changes–even worse news.
Hmmmm…well from how I read the story…they really did not take it to sexual level. For women…this can easily be turned into or just left as a friendship.
Women know all to well how damaged one gets after a bad relationship. As we seem to be the ones to …as you Guys mentioned compartmentalize each detail where as most guys seem to simply move on.
For this situation. depending what the women wants out of this relationship…I see no reason why she shouldn’t keep it as a friends basis.
There are so many different types of relationships these days…it seems to be more about what each individual wants than what traditional values dictate
I was so against my GUYS until the very end, that’s where you nailed it.
I’ve been where she is, and on the other side too. But it really does come down to how much is enough for you. I still have a good friend that was a former lover. I know he hopes to rekindle things, but I don’t play games and made it clear that part of our lives is over. On the other hand I had broken up with a guy a few years ago and surprise, surprise we really are good friends.
Full Disclosure: It does get a little funny when he starts complaining about sex issues with his now wife. I give him honest advice only if he asks (lately it’s more about what he should be doing). But dang, I used to get with him.
So hon listen to the Guys on this one, they may be sparing you a lot of pain (or at least a few akward moments.).
Here’s my two cents for what it’s worth. I do think it’s possible to remain friends after breaking up with someone you dated seriously but in this case it’s a bit different. Six weeks isn’t really that long, there is no real history/relationship between them so I’m not really sure what she’s hanging onto. Maybe it’s me…I might have read something incorrectly but after six weeks I’m sure she has to have other friends she likes more. And not to mention she’s already indicated that she still likes him but he isn’t interested in her so she is kinda setting herself up for future heartache especially when he gets out of his divorce and starts dating other girls.
The Guys are right on this one, let it go!
This is a very good question but I don’t know if a friendship is ever possible. If your real with yourself than you know You want more. Therefore, your already not his friend because you want to be his lady. I think you should leave it alone so that you don’t get hurt. Good luck!