The Guy’s Perspective

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy a couple of years ago. We flirted back and forth. I’ve been divorced for a few years. I ran into him in the spring and he told me he had just gotten divorced. We flirted for a couple more months then finally got together for drinks. Unfortunately, the drinks were many and I ended up sleeping with him. We had a couple of dates after that and I thought things were fine. We were trying to get to know each other. Then he leaves town for two months and doesn’t call, text, email or anything. Upon returning to town he sends me an email and says he really likes me, but he has a lot going on. I left it at that. (We see eachother a lot at a mutual work site.) I have been friendly and he seems to seek me out. He has been flirtatious and texts on occasion. I have tried to let him know that I’m still interested. Some days he seems into me and others he completely ignores me. I don’t know whether to wait it out or move on to the next.

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question.

Your guy seems all over the place. And maybe that’s exactly where he needs to be since you mentioned he just got divorced. In our minds the question isn’t whether he’s into you—we think he is, at least physically—but more whether or not he’s actually ready to be in a committed relationship so soon after splitting up with his ex-wife.

As you know Anne, relationships have as much to do with timing as they do with chemistry. The two of you have the chemistry but we’re not so sure about the timing. And if he just wants to be single right now but he senses you want more, that could be the reason he’s playing it cool, and sending you mixed signals. That doesn’t mean it might not work out at some point down the road, but if it does it will be a long drawn-out process, that will likely be emotionally draining, and leave you exhausted and possibly resentful.

Let’s take a look at his actions for a moment. People who want to be committed to someone don’t leave town for a few months without keeping in close contact. Your guy basically disappeared and did whatever he pleased without worrying about how his actions affected you or anyone else. While we don’t condone his behavior if he were in a committed relationship with you, we also understand where he’s at. Depending on how his divorce ended, or how the preceding years played out, he probably needs to be free from any sort of commitment. And it’s likely, at least for the next few years, he wants to be single, play the field, and reacquaint himself with his former self.

So where does that leave you?

You have three choices.

1. You can just wait and see if he comes around, and continue on with how it’s going. If you’re fine with a casual, flirtatious type of relationship, with the occasional hookup, this scenario will work for you. But it’s likely you’ll just be more frustrated as the months go by.

2. You can move on and put yourself out there in the dating world. You never know what cool person is around the corner. And honestly we don’t think your guy is ready to be with anyone seriously.

3.  Or you can tell him how you feel and try to find out where his head’s at. We understand you don’t want to pressure him, but if you really think he’s worth it, and you really have no idea where he’s coming from, this will at least give you some answers. It doesn’t seem like there’s much to lose since all you’re doing right now is flirting with each other.

We hope this helps. Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (Leave in comments section.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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Posted in Relationship Advice: Question/Answer

Tagged with: dating advice • dating after divorced • Dating questions • divorced • guy's point of view • guys • men • relationship advice • relationship questions