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Dear Guys,
So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.
Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.
We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.
We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”
Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem 
Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.
How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?
And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
Thanks for your question.
Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.
The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”
“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.
Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.
The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.
Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
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@Jada01.......The silly game is necessary to see if there might actually be something there. You're not going to know unless you keep playing. Hopefully it will blossom into something much more than a game. Keep us posted and have fun.
So my question I have been great friends with a guy ever since middle school. We are both now in our 20's and about 2 yrs ago he moved back him to another country. Due to common insecurities that come with the Adolescent ages, we never shared feelings with one another. We went on to date other people and remained good friends. Well just recently we admitted that there were feelings there all through out but that we never felt good enough for one another. He visited friends here a few months ago and ended up staying with me during that time so he wouldn't have to get any hotel rooms. We had a great timecatching up and even cuddled and shared the same bed. Now I am arranging to visit him in a few months and since truth has come out about our past feelings, we joke that when I'm there we are going to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend' We text everyday for a month now and we use your typical pet names like bay, love, handsome, sweetie etc. He also told me a few days ago that if I ever asked anything of him that he would be there for me and that not very many people would he do that for. Is this all just a silly game we're playing cause I'm afraid it's going to stir up some feelings.
@Lorraine.....You're welcome. Take care of yourself and keep us posted on how you're doing. And come back anytime to ask a question or to check out our new site. (Any day now!) Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. We appreciate it. Truly!
Thanks guys! You are right. I have always wanted more and it will only get more frustrating for me if I keep thinking about him. The fact remains that the last thing I want is a long distance relationship. I guess the thought of losing him as a friend all together is a little scary as I value all of the connections I make with people. There is really nothing to be done until we see each other again in person and I have no idea when that will be. For now, I guess I need to stop obsessing over what could have been. Thank you again for the response!
@Lorraine...What's wrong with talking to him about this? We know, that sounds crazy. And it's a risk. Things could get awkward fast if it doesn't go well. But what do you have to lose? A friend? Sure, but do you really want to be friends with him, or do you want something more? It just seems that this friendship is going to get more and more frustrating because you really want more. Also, we think he pretended he didn't remember about your tryst because he was embarrassed and not sure how you felt about it since you stopped the proceedings from going too far. He may have interpreted that as a sign that you weren't as into it as he was. Right now this is all confusing. It's all speculation and worry. Could you make an excuse to visit his city and then try to get together with him and bring the topic up somehow? The thing is, long distance is really tough, especially when you don't have a strong foundation in place; but it's not impossible. And if he's as into this as you are, anything can happen. What do you think? Is this crazy? ps. We hope you'll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.
I am wondering what kind of relationship my guy friend wants from me now. Here's our history:We initially met at work and have been coworkers for the past 2 years up until 2 months ago when I moved across the country for a new job. We always had a friendly, somewhat flirty relationship at work and hung out after work in a group setting on many occasions but never just the 2 of us. A year ago, a small group of friends (me & him included) went on vacation together. We got drunk and ended up fooling around one night and even though I enjoyed it, I stopped it before we went too far because I knew that I would regret having sex with him (because i am not a casual sex type person, and maybe because I liked him more than i wanted to admit at the time?)The next day, he said he was so drunk and didn't remember anything so we never talked about it. I wasn't sure at the time if he was lying or what but like I said, we never talked about it but surprisingly, I felt much closer and more at ease with him after that happened. There was no awkwardness. For me, the vacation made him go from friend to "close friend" who I would invite out more often or feel like I could text funny shit to for no reason. I did start to realize that I found him very attractive and always looked forward to seeing him at work after that but I guess I was too scared to admit that I had a crush on him. Nothing else ever happened between us despite several more occasions that we hung out after work in groups and alone. I never wanted anything serious and I always got the feeling that he didn't either (from anyone. plus he is younger than me). I like his personality and he has been a good friend-(he invited me to spend Xmas with his family last year when I was complaining about not being able to see mine-which made me question whether he wanted more or not)NOW I am confused on where we stand because like I said, I moved across the country for a new job. He has sent me a few texts saying he missed me but one in particular that made me angry because he referenced our vacation saying that what we did was "fun". I guess it made me angry because for the past year, he pretended to not remember and now I am confused as to what he wants from me. Does he want to be FWB or more than that? I find myself thinking about him constantly and obsessing about what could have been when we both lived in the same city. I am wondering if he always wanted more but maybe I just never got the hint? I know he told a mutual friend a long time ago that he was attracted to me, but "we work together". Where should I go from here?
@Polka Dot....Thanks for filling us in. It helps put things in perspective. As per his visit. If he comes to see you then he's definitely interested, and will be trying to gauge your interest. Don't come out of the gates guns blazing. To use a cliche. How long will he stay for? And will he stay with you or at a hotel? (It might nice to have the option of a hotel.) Anyway, see if you can spend a day getting reconnected. (We're not saying sex, but just being together in the same place face-to-face.) After that it's time to sit down and have a talk. (Next day) If you want to open up to him and let him know you're open to making things work that might alleviate some of the stress he's feeling and help him open up. (Or not. Only if you're comfortable doing that.) The thing is, one of you is going to have to let down your defenses to get an open and honest dialogue started. We just don't get the sense it's going to be him, especially since we agree that his communication skills are something he could use some work on. Does this plan seem solid? Are we missing something that we should know about? Last thought: If this visit doesn't go well, and you don't have any breakthroughs it may be time to move on. Thoughts?
A little bit of everything. I didn't communicate much of the good, but there has been a lot of good. We have a ton in common and I genuinely like him. I'm usually sort of indifferent, so that says something. I'm rather intelligent and guys usually have a pretty hard time keeping up with me. Most get intimidated easily because I'm also adorable, fairly accomplished, and a nice person as well as (usually) smarter than them. I could be with just about anyone I wanted... But this is who I want right now. (To be clear: I need someone to keep me grounded and humble, not just tell me how great I am all the time. How boring.) He's a little intimidated by me at times, but nothing like what I'm used to. He challenges me and generally, he's a great guy and he does a good job at balancing me out. He has some definite issues to work through though. It's complicated. Widowed fiance... So like I said, I feel bad getting mad at him for some things. He hasn't dated anyone seriously since that happened (5+ years) and when it gets awkward & confusing, it's usually because he gets nervous about feeling something other than all dead and frozen inside. I get that. I don't see it as like "I need to fix you," more like "Get the f*ck over your sh*t so we can just be." Even in the best case scenario, it won't be anything serious until I get back. So I don't know what his deal is, because I'm not really asking for much here. My plan: I got home earlier than normal last night and texted him to see if he was available to talk; I knew he was probably busy and would get back to me late. He texted me back once I was already asleep. I got back to him this morning, told him I was sleeping and said better luck next time. I would say that the ball is solidly in his court. Hopefully he knows it. I think he's going to find a reason to come to my city in the next few weeks. Just a hunch, but he seems antsy. So I guess we will see then. Any thoughts about this or what I wrote before? Suggestions for what to do if/when he comes here? Confront nicely or not so nicely about his poor communication skills? I think in person is always better than over the phone, but you all are the experts!
Hey Guys, Thanks so much for the advice so far. It is really nice to have a third-party perspective (without having to pay a therapist!). So, I know in my heart-of-hearts that I would like to be exclusive with my re-ignited flame one day, but today isn't it. We are both pretty active, social people. He's been out on other dates and so have I in the last couple weeks. We've talked about it and when we did we were both happy about being able to be honest with each other. I think exclusivity would be WAY too much pressure right now and with our differing schedules (I am also a freelance writer/reporter and have 2 other jobs to pay the bills. He works for a bank from 10-7 Monday-Friday) we would spend more time traveling than actually seeing one another. So, he told me about one date he was going on, but we don't really tell each other everything about our separate dating lives. I've been hanging out with an ex-boyfriend from the last summer but I nixed intimacy with him b/c I don't want to sleep around, he's just a friend now. I don't really want to know if the flame is sleeping with somebody else right now because we are both pretty flirty and we aren't exclusive so I could be sleeping around if I wanted to be. It's just a personal choice I've made(I mean, god forbid I get pregnant and don't know who baby daddy is!) Now, the flame went to a big concert recently and I've seen him tagged in pix with this chick who appears to have a crush on him. Apparently they hung out at more than the concert too, going out in the city and to a college football game too. Grr. He's pretty nice to her, it seems, but he's a nice guy. She's not disgusting, but she's kinda busted and not nearly as pretty (or awesome) as me and I'm starting to feel threatened. I sent him a text tonight congratulating him on his new job and he replied a few hours later and called me magic (long story, old nickname of his for me). He asked me about my new job too. Can't say I'm the most prompt txt-replier for casual chats either (still haven't replied, it's been a couple hours now) so I'm not miffed about the delayed response. Unless it is something that needs to be handled ASAP there is no need to rush. Nobody likes to be rushed over dumb stuff, myself included. Now, back on to my birthday, which is in 2 weeks. He'd said something about me spending my birthday with him the last time I saw him, about 2 weeks ago. Before busted-girl started tagging him in pix on facebook. Nevertheless, I still would like to spend my birthday with him. We always have fun together and well, he won't be done with work until 7 or so at night. I lived in the city where he lives now a few years ago, so I have other friends I would like to visit in the region on my birthday, although mostly I would like to see him. If he doesn't bring it up first(can't say he's got the greatest memory) should I drop hints in advance? Or should I just tell him I'm planning to come upstate on my birthday so get ready... Also, we hadn't seen eachother in 11 years, let alone had our picture together so I want some pix of us together on my birthday for my own collection... but also to post on Facebook and tag him in so new busted girl knows she isn't the only game in town. Is this wrong? Am I being crazy? Thanks for your help!
@polka dot....Jeez, this just seems like so much work. The two of you aren't on the same page for whatever reason. (We don't know the reason.) But the way we feel is, if things require this much energy, and are this confusing, and need this much analyzing, it might be time to reevaluate. We're happy to answer as many questions as you'd like, but we feel that you're doing all the work here and he's treating it like, "whatever." Think about the duration of the relationship for a second. How much of it has been great, and how much of it has been confusing, awkward, and frustrating? Once the "bad" starts to outweigh the good, it might be time. Are we off here? What do you think? What's your plan?
Update: I didn't respond. After nearly 2 weeks of nothing from him, I got an "I miss you" text message when I was asleep. No explanation. No "Sorry I've been busy." Just that. I didn't say that I missed him back because I was pissed, but I didn't confront him either. I just asked how everything was. We had a really awkward conversation, super chit chatty. It seemed like he didn't want to talk to me, almost like "do I really have to answer these text messages" even though he initiated it. So dumb. I think it went "I miss you" "How are you" "Life is the same." In an effort to make the best case for myself going forward (aka if/when we ever talked about this), I asked one more question ("Been anywhere interesting lately") to which he responded No, but that he "keeps thinking he'll get to [my city] soon. It will happen." I ended the conversation by saying something witty that didn't require a response to what he'd said responded. It was done. So I thought... Two hours later he texted me something stupid ("Getting lots of gym time in?"). We both go to the gym quite a bit, so it would normally be a fair question, but he was clearly making up a reason to continue the conversation that, by all signs, he didn't want to be in. I didn't respond because it wasn't worth my time to think of something to say. 6 hours later, when it was a little after midnight my time (he's several hours behind me), I received this: "?" I responded with "Impatient much? :p I've been busy all day and I just got home from being out. No, I haven't been to the gym because I've been too busy. What are you up to tonight?" He then said "I just an empty text from you, that's all. No pressure. Headed out now myself." Yeah. Freaking. Right. I didn't send him jack squat and it was too early to go out where he is. I told him to have fun. I feel as though he's all miffed that I didn't say that I missed him back, that he got jealous that I went out and didn't respond to his stupid question, and that he's got to be full of it about the empty text. Please analyze. Any idea where to go from here? What is his deal?!
@Miss Mac.....Well one of the most important ways to keep someone interested in a long distance relationship is to remove the distance. We're not suggesting you move right now because that might freak him out, but one simple way is by trying to see him as much as possible. Now of course, ideally the two of you would take turns visiting each other. And frankly, he should be wanting to do this as much as you. Because the bottom line is: If he's not just as smitten as you now, that's not really going to change when you're in the same city. Because as the old saying goes, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' And if he's already not sure, then you moving, is only going to make him feel more smothered. So what should you do? Unfortunately you can't make anyway feel some way they're not feeling, but you can keep present in his life, which hopefully will remind him how much he digs you. But you're also going to have to take your cues from him. Don't make it so easy on him. He should be initiating at least half of your communication, don't you think? By not wanting an exclusive long distance relationship he's already saying he wants his space. Do you know if he's dating other girls? Honestly Miss Mac, we don't like that he wants to be free to have his cake and eat it too. And we think that if you really looked into your heart you'd want this to be exclusive, even though you said you didn't think a long distance relationship was what you wanted. Be honest with yourself, and then go for it. If you have to play games to make this work, then it's doomed to fail. So be yourself, and if that's not good enough, well there are other guys that will jump at that opportunity.What are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.
Hi guys! My issue is not unlike this one, but not all together the same either. Here's the scoop: I recently went out with a guy I dated 11 years ago, when I was 19 and he was 20. He was an "Unofficial" summer boyfriend, and although he just told me he considered me his summer girlfriend then, we just never really expressed these things at the time. We are from different areas of the same state. I liked him a lot, but he went back to college in another state and we never had the opportunity to catch up besides a few chats on facebook or social messaging infrequently over the years until last month. We met up again last month and lets just say the sparks flew and by the end of the weekend we both agreed we were pretty smitten. I am completely enamored but even as I write this it is just now barely a month since we hooked back up. We've been having a great time together when we do hang out, which has been 3-4 times since then. Now, here's where things get dicey: I live across the state @ the beach, about 1 1/2 hours from him. He stayed at the beach that first weekend and I've been up to see him a couple times since then, but he's not interested in an exclusive long-distance relationship right now, and I can't say I think thats the greatest idea either. Well, between some developments in my life, among those, the realization that I just can't afford grad school (formerly my plan for next year) I've decided maybe I should move to the same metropolitan area where he lives and I will have more opportunity to use my current skill set. I can't afford the move until next year though. How do I keep him interested that long? Also, my birthday is in a couple weeks and he already said something about me spending my birthday with him, which I would love to do. However, he's not been as attentive to our texts as he was a few weeks ago. Granted, he just got a new job and has his own plan for grad school that he is currently trying to make happen right now. He even let me edit his resume, so I guess I shouldn't think his world revolves around my birthday... but I do want him to remember it and I would rather spend that day with him than anyone else in the world. Anyway, I guess the gist of this whole message is to ask how to keep him interested in me for a whole year until I can move closer. It would be nice if he seemed interested in traveling to visit me again as well. Also, should I just call him and tell him I want to spend my birthday with him, bottom line? I really enjoy every minute of time I get to spend with this man, who I didn't even see for the whole of my 20s. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. I guess I just need to know how to close the deal, and not be weird.
@Sara......Passing you his card was more than just business. (He wouldn't have given you his card unless he was somewhat interested, but the level of interest is to be determined.) We still stand by our advice. Good luck and keep us posted.
One other question, and this is just me being self-conscious. Do you think since he gave me his business card he was interested, or do you think this is something he does often because of the type of business he's in? This business card thing has never happened to me before, so I don't know what to think. I'm definitely going to follow your advice regarding sending a follow up e-mail. That makes a great deal of sense. I will certainly pass along your info to my friends.
@Polka Dot....The ball's in his court. No other way to say it. The situation won't fail because you didn't contact him. It will fail because he lets it fail. We'd suggest letting him initiate from now on, and then moving on to other possibilities. (Meaning, be open to dating others and seeing how things develop with someone else.) If this thing is meant to be it will just happen naturally. Remember, you're busy and you don't need another project. Honestly, he seems like he might be just that: a project. What do you think? Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
@Sara....No, do not respond with anything else even if you're tempted. We hate it when guys hand a woman a business card. The only reason a guy should do that is because he's unsure whether the woman is interested. Otherwise he should man up and ask for your number or contact info in your case. From here on out let him take the initiative. Your email has let him know you're interested. No we're not about game playing, but what will happen is, if you keep initiating you won't really know where he stands. That's why we're suggesting strongly that you don't. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!
I dated this guy over the summer. At first it was just hooking up or friends with benefits (heavy emphasis on the friend part though). He became very affectionate after a few weeks and I asked him if he was looking for something more with me than we were at that time. He said he wasn’t. We didn’t talk for a few weeks because I didn't want to be led down the rabbit hole and he thought I wanted something more. He initiated contact a few weeks later, about 2 weeks before I left. We talked or saw each other almost every day during that time. It got pretty serious emotionally for both of us, more than either had intended. He tried to pick a few fights with me (which he does when he’s too connected with someone and gets scared/wants to end it badly rather than saying goodbye. Loss issues, etc.) We have an obnoxious amount in common and I’m planning to return to that city in just under a year, so it could work out in the long run. But for now I’m on one coast and he’s on the other. He comes to my current city for work fairly often. The day that I left, he was super distant in the morning (had been the night before too) but when I was actually leaving he said “I don’t think this is done yet... See you soon?” I agreed and we said that we’d talk. It's been almost a month. We’ve talked on the phone once, exchanged a few emails, and texted a bit. We’re both super busy (both work 70+ hours per week) so that doesn’t concern me too much and we both know we aren’t together and that this isn’t anything serious because we’re too far apart with crazy schedules. This last week he emailed me saying we should talk this week and I responded a day later with when I was available (it was only an hour long time window each night at the same time and we’re 3 hours apart, so definitely not ideal and might not have worked for him). He never responded though and it’s been almost a week. I really like him, but I’m sick of instigating communication. At the same time, if it's going to work/go somewhere we should probably talk once in awhile, am I right? If I just stop reaching out to him, do you think he’ll get around to me eventually or just let it fizzle? I feel like he might be trying to fade away without saying anything to leave himself an open later on down the road, but he might just be swamped and forgot to get back to me. I just don’t know what to do. He’s without a doubt into me on some level, but he's got some baggage weighing him down that might be holding him back. Plus work is crazy. Clearly we work well together, but we aren't together and won't be for awhile. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now. Wait around until he has to fly here for work? I feel like if I contact him again I look desperate and I'm not. I just don't want it to fail because I didn't try, but I feel like I responded and the ball is in his court now. Opinions, please!
I met this guy on a flight and we talked the entire time. Unfortunately, he lives on the other coast, but he has family that lives near me. He mentioned a few times during the flight that he is single. We seemed to really hit it off and at the end of the flight, he gave me his business card. He's a business type guy who travels a lot, so I'm sort of concerned that this is something he does often. I took a leap of faith and e-mailed him when I got back from my vacation. He responded right away, but it was rather generic. I asked him to let me know when he's in the area and we could grab dinner or drinks and he said he would, basically he said he would, but that it would be a while. That was that. Should I respond with something else?
@Confused soul.....It seems by now he should have made an effort to visit you, or asked you to come see him. (If you couldn't afford it he should offer to help with the cost.) If he has no plans to actually follow through then this seems more like fun entertainment for him, almost a fantasy, rather than any sort of attempt at truly getting to know you in person. Requesting your picture INSTEAD of the real you is another example. What do you think? What does your gut tell you?
Hi, continuing from my last post here. We started messaging each other on fb because it was getting expensive by phone. I told him i'm having a different approach on life and doing things spontaneously and being more myself while talking to him. I asked if he still wanted to do skype, but since we kept losing connection before, he will find another way to talk. On a different note, he messaged me on my phone to say happy birthday. Now we're talking on a free phone app and he messages me faster than usual, always in the same day. Before, he used to take days to message me back or hours. Then he started talking about getting his passport and will let me know when he does. Recently, in the evening, he took long to reply and finally did but said he was drunk. I said it's fine, but send me some drinks too! Then he asked me to send him some pictures. I kept asking why, and he kept replying with nevermind. I laughed and said okay. He said, huh? does that mean you are sending it or not. I asked him why again and he said he asks everyone for pictures but that I didn't have to. I told him he's funny when he's drunk and will send one. Later, he laughed and said why. I asked why, what? Then he said nevermind. I assumed he didn't want the picture anymore, then two hours later, he said I never sent the picture. In the end, I did. Its been more than a year now since we've been friends and still wondering whether he likes me or just interested. Thanks!!
@Charlotte.......Be cautious with this guy. Proceed slowly, which means don't jump in bed with him immediately. Some guys will be sweet, cuddly, wonderful, attentive, and then as soon as they sleep with the girl, they change. The fact that he's already giving you mixed signals should tell you to be cautious. We're not saying you should run the other way, just keep your eyes open and go slowly. It's too early for you to make any big decisions one way or another and too early for him to know how he feels, or whether or not your'e THE ONE. A part of him is feeling scared because he likes you. (Unless he's a player. We don't know the guys personally) Good luck. Keep us posted as this progresses and ask as many follow up questions as you'd like.
A month ago I went back to my hometown and linked up with a childhood friend who I has had a place in my heart for sometime. When I first saw him at the beach for where I was meeting with most of my friends and we caught up. We were very couple-ly at the beach watching holding hands and sitting very closely as we watched firs works. The following dya we went to the movies and again we were very couple-ly however no kissing. During my trip we text planning to meet before I left. We met up the night before I was to leave and that is when we first kissed followed by some fondling. It was clear that we both wanted to do more but could not. Since than we have spoken everyday whether its text, phone, video chat etc and we talk about everything (even dirty talk). I like him a lot and I have not felt like this for a man in a long time and I feel that he might be the one for me. He tells me all the time that he can make fall in love with him and than he'll tell me he's not ready for a relationship which don't have a problem with, its the mixed signals that he's sending me that have me confused. I feel like its too early to talk about a relationship between the two of us. I just don't know. Help!
@Sandy....Okay, we'll check it out. Funny title!
Thank you! Any publicity I can get would be more than appreciated! It's called "Wiener Brain" and it is available on Amazon on paperback and Kindle (and very affordable!)
@Sandy....yes, we know, sometimes it's hard to sort out exactly what we want. Well, keep in touch, and let us know if you have any other questions. And good luck with your book. Very exciting for you! What's the title so we can check it out?
I kind of figured that (this isn't my first ballgame), but I wanted a male perspective on it. I'm easy to talk to, and I think that's why he talks to me, kind of a connection to home while he's away. He's not painfully shy, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him. I'm not sure if I just want someone or if I want him specifically, you know? Thank you (about the book). I'm rather excited about it. However, it's a kid's book, so I doubt the subject matter pertains to this site. I do very much appreciate the offer, though!
@Sandy.....First of all, congratulations on publishing your first novel! One quick thought on that: If you'd like to submit something to our Relationship Memoirs page we'd be happy to plug your book as well, if your piece works for the page. (Check it out) Now to your question. This sounds like a nice friendship, but we're not so sure it's more than that. He's had a few opportunities to make the moves on you, hasn't he? So the question remains, why? Does he see this as purely platonic? Is he painfully shy? Is he not sure how you feel? So in order to know for sure, you'll need the answer to those three questions. You'll have to figure out those answers. However, there are some ways to facilitate the process. Do you feel comfortable dropping some hints about how you feel? Or invite him to dinner, something that is always considered a date. (Don't do coffee or lunch.) What do you think? Last thought: You need to decide if it's worth putting yourself out there. If you take the risk and tell him how you feel and it doesn't work out, be prepared for a permanent change in the comfort of the relationship.
I have been friends with a guy for about a year. He is from my area, but works in a different state, which has him away from home the majority of the time. A couple months ago, while he was home, he met me, and some of my friends, at a local restaurant. After everyone else had left, the two of us remained at our table and talked until the restaurant closed. It was all very casual conversation, nothing too heavy, and when we left there was no move toward physical contact or anything like that. A few weeks later, I messaged him online to let him know about something he asked me that night at the restaurant. He messaged back immediately and continued to carry on the conversation. Since then, I would say he initiates about 90% of our conversations (all online thus far) and we talk almost every night. Sometimes it's for hours and sometimes just a few short exchanges. The banter is lighthearted and he teases me a lot, but at the same time seems very interested in my work (I'm a writer and just published my first novel). We never talk about dating or anything like that, and he even mentions a neighbor of his in the state he is working that he finds very attractive, though he feels she is out of his league and has made it clear he does not intend to pursue her. He was home this past weekend and stopped by Sunday night (to buy a copy of my book), but I didn't see him on Friday or Saturday night. In fact, we were supposed to meet up Saturday night for a drink, but something came up. While I'm always skeptical, I did actually believe his story regarding why he wasn't able to make it. Sunday night he stayed for awhile, but again, when leaving, no move toward physical contact. He did, however suggest we have a drink the next time he's home, since we didn't get to this time. I have several people telling me that they think he's interested in me, and I don't know what to think. I don't want to get my hopes up about it, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder...are we just friends from a distance, or is he possibly actually interested in me? I don't date much at all, and while I'm considered pretty, I am overweight (not excessively, but I'm nowhere near thin), which tends to be the main reason men don't want to date me.
Ha Ha love the pun... . you guys are awsome thank you soo much you have clarified alot of questions. Thanks again..
@Tammie......1st question: Are his pictures up to date? Maybe that's what he's saying, and he doesn't want you to think he's trying to deceive you. He also might think you look too good for him. Although, we haven't seen both of your pictures so this is just conjecture. 2nd question: Definitely. Everyone is. Vacation is a time to get away from the daily grind. It's a time to let down your hair. (If you still have some.) It's a time to rejuvenate and relax. So yes.
There is something else, I meant to ask you also. 1. He keeps bringing up 2 issues. One is he's lost his hair and his wife was a few years older . I told him I dont care. Could there be some self asteem issues also as he seemed to be more open in intement issues in his emails then on the phone. 2. I read that a guy is more relaxed and more playful if he's on vacation, more intuned and serious when he is working is that true?
Only on F.B , We have seen pictures of each other.
@Tammie.....He sounds interested. But his life is very hectic and crazy, and he's taking things slowly. Don't give up on him just yet. But we have a question to clarify: Have you met face-to-face, or did you reconnect only through Facebook? That might help us give you a more complete answer.
long distant relationship friends or more . I met up with an old friend after 23 years. We worked together back then. He would come and see me occasionally when I quit.I found him on F.B that was in Feb,for the first month we would exchange casual emails. In April he went on vcation , he told me he was taking his computer so we could keep in touch.After a day our conversations became very playful about sex. He always told me we were such good friends and he would never be offended by anything I ever said or did. After a few days went by while on vacation , I aske dhim if we could be more then good frends. I think I caught him off guard, it wasnt a fair question anyway, he told me I don't know what I want to do right now, but it's not out of the question. I am getting a divorce after being married , with my husband for 36 years. He is an alcoholic , an abuser. As time went by mike told me some intement details of his life. He told me his wife died of cancer, and has shared alot of his childhood . Our conversations would be 2- 2 1/2 hrs long. He also told me that he's always wondered what he would do If I had invited him to stay when he came to see me back then, and what it would be liket become intement with me. I was flattered, I have never thought of that. He then told me his life is really crazy right now. He works E.M.S and has many details and responsibilities with his career. he says he works some 50-60 hr work weeks plus he is carring for his ailing father in his home who is very distructive. Ialso asked it only takes a few minutes to call just dontleave me hanging when you say your going to do something. I sent him an email recently and told him since he never called when he said he would , I hadnt heard from him in 3 weeks, that if he wanted me not to contact him any more all he had to do was not answer my text, emails.I also asked him if the reason he came to see me back then was for sex. A few days later he responded. He said no it wast. He said he has been swamped at work , he's having to clean house when he gets home at mindnight from work, he's exausted. He also said he wasnt sorry he ever contacted me and that it's not that he doesnt want to talk to me , he's wiped out. He also said he paid to go to a clas reunion in a few weeks and dint know if he could go , it's non refundable. My qestion is is only friendship or maybe something alittle more serious. I know he didnt have to respond to my eamil, is that my clue??
long distant relationship friends or more . I met up with an old friend after 23 years. We worked together back then. He would come and see me occasionally when I quit.I found him on F.B that was in Feb,for the first month we would exchange casual emails. In April he went on vcation , he told me he was taking his computer so we could keep in touch.After a day our conversations became very playful about sex. He always told me we were such good friends and he would never be offended by anything I ever said or did. After a few days went by while on vacation , I aske dhim if we could be more then good frends. I think I caught him off guard, it wasnt a fair question anyway, he told me I don't know what I want to do right now, but it's not out of the question. I am getting a divorce after being married , with my husband for 36 years. He is an alcoholic , an abuser. As time went by mike told me some intement details of his life. He told me his wife died of cancer, and has shared alot of his childhood . Our conversations would be 2- 2 1/2 hrs long. He also told me that he's always wondered what he would do If I had invited him to stay when he came to see me back then, and what it would be liket become intement with me. I was flattered, I have never thought of that. He then told me his life is really crazy right now. He works E.M.S and has many details and responsibilities with his career. he says he works some 50-60 hr work weeks plus he is carring for his ailing father in his home who is very distructive. Ialso asked it only takes a few minutes to call just dontleave me hanging when you say your going to do something. I sent him an email recently and told him since he never called when he said he would , I hadnt heard from him in 3 weeks, that if he wanted me not to contact him any more all he had to do was not answer my text, emails.I also asked him if the reason he came to see me back then was for sex. A few days later he responded. He said no it wast. He said he has been swamped at work , he's having to clean house when he gets home at mindnight from work, he's exausted. He also said he wasnt sorry he ever contacted me and that it's not that he doesnt want to talk to me , he's wiped out. He also said he paid to go to a clas reunion in a few weeks and dint know if he could go , it's non refundable. My qestion is is only friendship or maybe something alittle more serious. I know he didnt have to respond to my eamil, is that my clue?? My question is I found a good friend after 25 years on F.B back in Feb. We text and emailed and I called him a few times . If I didnt speak to him ,he would always call me back. Our conversations would last 2 1/2 hours each time. In April he went on Vacation . He sent me a message saying he was going to take his computer so we could stay in touch. In With
This is about same guy from my above posts.... So am I a friend with benefits? Would a guy go to the trouble to compliment me, tell me he wants to get to know me better, ask me to come see him( he lives 2 hrs away), introduce me to his closest buddies just for FWB? I'm so confused :/ I want to let him know I want to spend more time with him & see where it goes.....but not sure if that would freak him out. Help! Not sure if I'm liked, disliked, if he is hesitant to tell me anything, etc So should I just tell him I like him or does he know?
@Confused Soul......He definitely likes you more than a friend, but it's unclear what that exactly is. Girlfriend potential? or Booty Call? It's hard to know based on your letter since we don't really know him, but we are a bit hesitant to endorse this based on his patchy follow through with you. (We like to hear guys are doing what they say they're going to do. He's not really, since he keeps saying he'll contact you and then doesn't.) If you go visit him, we advise not staying with him until you really know him better. But why can't he visit you? That would at least show he's interested enough to invest the time and money in you.
In June 2011, i met this guy. He is a friend of a friend I met in Las Vegas. We talked one night after i got back to Canada, but didn't chat until October when I texted him about a friend's birthday in Vegas. None of us went. We started talking more after that and have been chatting for months. He would always call me first. Sometimes He would joke around and say "maybe i should come down and live in Canada?" There were times when I thought he really liked me because he would call three days straight but then I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. On Valentines Day, he called me at 11:45 pm to talk and I wished him a happy birthday because it was the day after. It seemed like he was really interested and said he would call me the next day but didn't until a couple of days later. He would always ask me when I can come and visit but when i went in March with my sister for her birthday, he was living in San francisco at the time, but went to Vegas for an interview while I was there but said he had no money to see me because he lost his job. I liked him and wanted to see him but I didn't want to initiate seeing him first. He called me a couple of days later when i came back home with a different number and asked me to call him back. We kept playing phone tag and finally reached each other. He then said sorry for not being able to see me and asked how I was doing. He said he would call the next day but yet again...didn't. Later, we spoke on Easter weekend when I texted him. He called me when he was buzzed and with his friends. He was making a lot of jokes and then said he only called me because I texted him. I was sad because he basically hinted that he didn't call me because he liked me that way. Recently in April, I called him. He asked me yet again when I'm coming over. I said I didn't know, but I told him I wanted to move out but didn't know where. He said this out of the blue, "You should come and live in Vegas and stay with me" I thought nothing of it and brushed it off saying I'm an immigrant, it would be hard to live there. Then we skyped each other because he said its better to see each other while we talk. We kept losing connection and he sent me a msg saying it was really hard to talk to me and complimented on how pretty i was. It is now May and I'm wondering if he likes me more than a friend. I have a vacation coming up but I'm not sure if I should go and visit. Thanks!!
@Sam....We'll say it again. You don't owe him anything. You need to look out for yourself!
thanks guys i will let my friends know! and he's trying so hard to be a friend but idk it makes me upset how he was so mean and now that its coooled down he wants in.. well thats not really fair..
@Sam........Honestly this is pretty simple. You owe him nothing. Stop capitulating to his demands. He's not your boyfriend anymore. And anyway, guys don't necessarily want a girlfriend that will do everything they say. They want a little push back. We don't know what happened in your relationship, but you don't have to be the agreeable girlfriend anymore. You're not his girlfriend and you need to take care of yourself. Stand up to him. Consider this your first step in your new way of being in a relationship. And in the future, it's okay to assert your needs into your relationships. The power should be equal, otherwise you're going to get taken advantage of. We wish you the best. Good luck. And feel free to ask us another question anytime. Or a follow up to this one. And please let your friends know about us. Also check out our "Relationship Memoirs." You might enjoy reading some of the guest writers.
hey guys, soo my ex and me have been apart for 2 months now.. we do talk about every three days. i just wanted to ask about the whole friends after a relationship thing because when we first broke up i said id be his friend and made a bunch of promises (he dumped me). just a few weeks ago i realized i cant be friends i have too many feeling for him and just seeing him with some other girl is torture.. i dont wanna deal with the stress. although the first time i tried to tell him we need space he said he was disappointed cause i agreeed to be friends and all. So that kept bugging me and eventually i went back to the friend zone.. we hang out only when he asks though and talk when he initiates. Its just i stilll get jealous and i feel bad even though i never ask and he says he'll never like someone else in our school. i dont wanna be a part of anything and idk what to do. the last time i tried to keep distance he said he wants me in his life that he loves spending time together. i cant be his friend and i know that so help me out here..
That is the conclusion I have come to.... Risks must occur at times. If i dont take the risk I may never know & pass up on something great. Besides I've had these feelings for a while so I figure I shouldn't hold back any more & just be honest. Either way I think things will be ok & good with him :) I just hope it can lead to something more than friends. But if not that's ok too. I will definitely spread the word for you Guys! This is a great forum with great advice! Thanks bunches! You guys are great!
@Blue Bird.....Like we said, there are no guarantees, but life is about taking risks. The things you want the most often require the most risk. So trust your gut on this. And keep us posted. We're pulling for you. One favor: Let your friends know about us. Thanks!
So I'm thinking I should just go for it & take a risk! Thinking I should tell him I like him & how long I've wanted to tell him
No plans yet. When I left Sunday he hugged me & said "let's not let it be forever before I see ya next!" Ummm should I try to make plans? That's what I kinda don't know what to do about. I dont know whether to wait for him to call me or is it ok if i call or text him. I hate feeling like it's a game. Geeesh Guess I'm worried I will bug him or seem needy. I just wanna be natural & if I'm thinking about him I want to say hi to him :)
@Anon.....Well, then maybe just hold your breath until you see him again in a few months. Then you'll have infinitely more information to go on. Good luck. Keep in touch.
Yes, yup. Completely makes sense. But phone is scary, it feels like a next step. And we will be seeing each other in the next couple months anyway. Not sure if phone would complicate it, given that we aren't so much trying to progress a relationship as we are simply trying to keep in touch until we meet again.. (whacky I know.) Totally right about the eggshells, that's my doing. It's my own kind of over analytic issue which is usually worst when I barely know someone, and then gets infinitely better. I'll consider the phone thing, if I could get up the nerve to suggest. Thanks again.
@Anon....It sounds like things have progressed a bit. That's good. Yes, we agree. Email basically is ripe for misunderstanding. So why not talk on the phone? Is talking on the phone completely out of the question? You'd certainly get a better sense of where you stood if you could hear his voice. What do you think? Do you feel comfortable proposing this? The thing is, if you have to walk on eggshells with every little step forward you might want to ask yourself it's all worth it. But maybe this is a non-issue and the two of you have gotten to a better place with your recent emails. But as far as the elephants in the room......don't start making this too heavy, especially since you don't really know him yet. Like you said. (Does this make sense? Does this help? )
@Bluebird.....When's the next time you're slated to see him? And where? At his place?
I guess one last question would be-- is it of any use to mention something like the elephants in the room. Namely that email is kinda tough, and open a discussion about that just for the sake of expressing that email is kinda lame. Or that we've built up some pressure about seeing eachother again. Or are those obvious tensions just better left unsaid? I'm not sure...
Hello Guys- just updating about my situation. I went for it and emailed "from the heart", and heard back within two days (which felt long and at which point I was sure he had moved on.) But it was a nice long email, saying he would love to see me again etc, and an apology for taking a couple days to get back to me. No mention of the previous email sent several weeks prior. But he did ask some clarifying questions about my situation for next year, which shows that he may have been waiting to hear about that. I've decided to wait it out a bit to email him back. And it isn't a game, as I try to follow the golden rule in my interactions. But I simply need time to think it over and to write a pleasant & thoughtful response. I'm going to drop the entire waiting issue, not mention it to him again, and assume he means what he says. Of course this is all over email, so it's pretty difficult to draw conclusions. Still, I'll consider these little odd communication issues as "data points", and will proceed more cautiously from here, to protect myself. I just feel that it's unwise to get my hopes up before really getting to know him in person. It's tough to do that, but I'll try to be more aware. Seems I'm through the major issue, but would still be pleased to hear you weigh in with any additional thoughts. :) Many thanks for your advice.
Haha thanks for the advice? Unfortunately due to a few damaging relationships it is hard to tell if I'm liked. Besides I've been crushing on this man for years & I'm nervous. Ya know the butterflies, which makes me feel like a young girl again ;) I just don't want to goof up. I have been thinking he likes me, but I know guys & gals are different. I would like to think he invited me to visit because he does like me, I mean he could spend time with whoever where he lives right? & he brought me around his closest buddies & where he spends most of his time. Those are good signs right? Inviting him to spend time with me is definitely been a thought of mine. So where do I go from now?...., Ya know do I call or text, or wait for him. Do I tell him how much I like him & I'm interested in him. Geez, I've been waiting years to tell him I like him! :) Or am I supposed to wait?
@Bluebird.........Are you messing with us? :) You must know he's into you. But we understand. Sometimes it's hard to see what's right in front of you, especially when you really want that thing. So we'll paint the picture for you. (You meet up after being out of touch. He showers you with compliments. Invites you to his place to help you out. Then comes in your bedroom. Nicely. You have sex. He tells you how smart and pretty you are. The two of you talk frequently. He invites you to his place. He introduces you to his friends.) If he doesn't like you then he's a pretty good actor. Of course there are not guarantees, but one way to show him you're into him is invite him to stay with you for a weekend, or maybe a bit longer. (If you feel comfortable with that. We would never want you to do something you're not completely comfortable with.) But that way you'd be telling him you're into him without having to say it. If this keeps progressing it will all come out. If he's really into—which it seems like he is—he's also trying to be cautious and not reveal everything yet. He doesn't want to scare you away. Let him take the lead on that. See if he'll come right out and tell you how he feels about you. We bet he will soon enough. Good luck and try to enjoy this.
There is this guy who I have known for about 5 years. We live within 2 hours of one another & met at a public event with mutual friends. We have kept in contact over time, more so when we have been single. Over the years we would meet half way & spend the day together talking & antique shopping. Or visiting one another & staying over. Both of us are single again after serious relationships. We lost contact for over a year just due to life & our relationships. I have always liked him & still do, very much. I have a hard time being able to know if a guy is into me :/ Please help, I don't know if I should let him know that I like him & I am interested in dating. Or does he already know? When we first met we immediately hit it off. I'm usually shy, but I feel very comfortable around him. We have alot in common & enjoy each others company. Drama occurred with people I traveled with to that event & he offered for me to stay with him. I have never done that, I felt like I had known him for years & felt comfortable. So needless to say I went home with him. He was so sweet & respectful. He gave me his bed & he took the couch, but later knocked on the door to see if I was still awake. Said he couldn't sleep knowing that there was such a pretty girl in his bed. So yea, one thing led to another. He drove me home, 2 hours away at the time & we have kept in touch since. So we have talked very frequently lately. We both text & call one another. He compliments me a lot & asks me questions about myself, etc. He told me that he had been looking for me for years & trying to run into me :) he told me the other day he wanted to really get to know me & told me how pretty, sweet, smart, etc he thought I was. Also mentioned he had backed off before just because he didn't want to mess up my relationship & the distance between us. So he invited down to visit him & come an event where a lot of his close friends were. I visited, he was very polite & sweet the whole time. Introduced me to everyone there. Lots of people asked me if I was his girlfriend, if I liked him, etc lol umm awkward?! & then he asked me to come stay at his place. Can you please help me with this. I'm not sure what to make of all this. Is he interested in me?
The idea of emailing from the heart sounds right to me. I do think that's what is missing in my previous emails. So, I went ahead and did just that. I kept it short, but left no room for confusion about my feelings, and stated that I hoped to hang out with him again (among other things, like subtle compliments.) This is something he had initiated in the past, and I would simply kind of mirror his response, because emoting in email makes me nervous. I think this sort of email I sent begs a response within a day (or two, at the most.) If not..well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Calling would have gotten me to the point quicker, but given that we haven't crossed that bridge, I almost wondered if it would be too forward. I suppose there is still room for repair, but if there isn't a decent excuse behind it, I'm sad that it doesn't bode well for a future relationship. Wah Wah... Thanks again.
@Anon.....Have you ever thought of calling him? Would that be too weird. A voice on the other end of the phone is very different than fingers on the end of an email. And as you know, email is ripe for misinterpretation, etc. We might go with that plan, especially since you said you really want to know and get this resolved. Another email might just perpetuate the current situation. However, if you choose to go with an email we think you should write from the heart. You've already tried the casual approach and it doesn't seem to be working. We're not saying profess your love, but just be yourself. It's clear you've got an analytical mind, but in this case, we would suggest, giving your brain a day off and let your heart do some of the talking. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing. Or it doesn't work out. See the thing is, when it's right, it's right. When you've met "the guy" you could pretty much do or say anything and it will be all good. We do believe relationships take work, but not to get them started, only to continue them. Let us know what you decide. And don't feel funny about asking questions. It's interesting to us and we want to help. Otherwise we'd ignore you. And do you really want more of that going on in your life? (We're smiling now, but embarrassed to type it.)
Welp, waiting it out does not seem to work so well for me. Here I am again! I hope this will be my last question, and that I will have some clarity soon. It occurs to me that my last email to said guy opened up a lot more uncertainty about my plans for the fall, and if I will be living close or somewhat further from where he will be living. Of course this is all so new, and formative, but it could cause him to feel that further communication is just impractical unless I'm going to be nearby? So maybe he's just like, letting me figure my shit out, and somehow testing me? That would be kinda weird but.. Also possible the he is waiting for me to initiate another email given that I was the one who was away. I know I'm giving him some major benefit of the doubt, but I'm trying not to focus on worry about what I may have done wrong. I think the waiting for an email just has me feeling extra self conscious, and I'd rather just know one way or the other. So I'm wondering if (in the short email I plan to write in a few days), I might say something at the end like: "Just wanted to say hi because I hadn't heard from you in a bit. (Didn't want to make assumptions, but hoped we hadn't had some miscommunication. The joys of email, right?)" What should this kind of email read like? Is the above OK? You guys are awesome. Whenever you could answer is great, and hopefully my situation will resolve itself soon!
Sage advice indeed. Thanks. I think I will just wait it out...
@Anon.....It probably won't hurt to send him an email, but why don't you wait until next week? Honestly, if he's really into you he's going to get in touch with you soon. But you need to do what you're comfortable with. If you really want to send a note Friday then by all means do it. But remember, once you do the ball will be completely in his court. Meaning, if he doesn't get back to you soon, then what will you do then? If you wait, at least you can still play the "friendly note/email" card. Something to think about.
Thanks! My gut tells me that something went awry with communication (vs. the dreaded idea that he's a jerk, or I did something wrong, i don't feel either is true.) I told myself that I would change my thinking if I had not heard from him by today. By now, it's passed the window of leaving me space after my trip. To his knowledge, I've been home for several days. So...either I forget about it and try to divert my mind and just say "oh well." Or, I take a more proactive approach, and send a quick note at the end of the week. Something brief- just saying hi b/c hadn't heard from you recently. That kind of thing. Any thoughts about which route to take? If he's somehow lost interest, I don't think a brief friendly email could do more harm? And, if he is waiting to hear that I'm back from my trip- it may help to clear things up and resume conversation. Ah! I wouldn't do this again...face-to-face is really important in the beginning phases!!
@Anon.....Good luck and keep us posted. AND HANG IN THERE! Try not to over think too much.
Guys- perspective much appreciated. So much! Still waiting...has been over 2 weeks now. To be fair, not sure he knew when I was supposed to get back from vacay. So perhaps he's just being courteous. But I still feel ball is in his court b/c my last email was decent length and had questions. Hope he's not waiting to hear from me about when I'm back... Now I start to worry that my attempt to be conversational/joking sounded neurotic, or emailed too soon and sounded over-eager. Sheesh, I hope other men, who may read this, will see that it doesn't do much good to make someone wait this long. I'm trying to stop my mind from reviewing my last email and all the possible reasons he may be delaying. Anyway, your perspective was appreciated, and I'm hoping this will resolve within the week! My situation IS awkward!
@Anon......Since you're in kind of a precarious and dare we say, awkward stage, waiting a week seems fine. Maybe he doesn't want to seem eager. Or maybe he doesn't want to be the one to break the routine and take things up a notch by contacting you more often. It's hard to say. But the fact that you're both interested enough to email each other and try to get to know each other more is a good sign. It doesn't seem like he's losing interest, otherwise it would be easy enough to just stop emailing you altogether. What if you asked him some questions that might be time sensitive? Like how he feels about something going on in the news or something like that? Then see how long it takes him. Or maybe make the email more conversational rather than updates and topics of interest? Just some thoughts. But you've got to do what feels right to you. Trust your gut. And keep us posted.
Hello, My question is about the beginning phases of dating with someone, when email is the primary means of communication. I've written before about the guy I am "talking" with long distance. We've been emailing somewhat regularly, after hitting it off on our first date a couple months back. However, he lives several states away, and won't be moving to my city for another 3 months or so. We keep things pretty light in our emails and mostly just update and touch on topics of interest. It hasn't extended to text and phone calls, because I think we both feel that could get us into awkward, murky territory (ie: wondering "is this turning into something more?") At first we had emailed about twice a week, and he always seemed to take a couple days longer to respond than I did. Recently, he went on a vacation and didn't email during that time for a couple weeks (which I expected) and likewise, no emailing when I was away on vacation the following week. Probably common courtesy. We exchanged one nice email in between in which he still seemed pretty interested. I've waited a week and half to hear from him since my last email (during which time he knew I'd be on vacation for the week.) It's all kind of silly, to worry, given that we are really just getting to know each other. However, I wonder why exactly, if he seems so interested, is he taking such time to get back to me? Is it just a cautious thing, a way to take it slow? He's a very sweet person and his emails show genuine interest. Is it safe to assume that he waits to email in order to keep things moving slowly, to avoid confusion about our status? I do feel that it's helpful to keep a little distance, because otherwise it could create a false "closeness" while still waiting for a second meeting. I'm also being cautious with the emails, so I'm hoping that is his perspective as well, and not that he is simply losing interest. Bottom line, should I be doing something differently? Is waiting a week or so to email unusual in this (admittedly strange) courting situation? Thanks for reading! I appreciate hearing your perspective.