Long distance guy: Is he worth it?

• One of the Guys 2013-04-08 09:24:44 said:

  @Lori.....We're very sorry. About your relationship and about your medical diagnosis. However, it seems to us that maybe the two are related. That maybe the fact that your cancer has spread has caused him to pull back in fear of getting hurt by losing you, or possibly, for fear of getting involved with something that is too difficult to face no matter how it turns out. You do realize that some people can't handle this sort of thing? Relationships for these people are great until they get complicated and start requiring lots of effort. Is it possible that the long distance made it easy for him to balance it all, but once things ramped up he decided he didn't want to deal? And instead of being honest with you he's pointing to your inappropriate text as the cause for his change of heart? And we can understand why you reached out to your friend since your boyfriend wasn't there to support you. (Although, yes, you've made things more complicated by saying "I love you" at the end of your text.) But we don't think you did anything inherently wrong. Unfortunately we don't think your guy is willing or able to support you as you go through what you're going through. Yes, you can apologize to him for the text that you sent to your friend, but he still has to answer the questions you pose: "Do you want this relationship?" and "Are you going to be someone I can rely on during this difficult time?" If the answer to either of these questions is no, then we'd suggest moving and surrounding yourself with people who love and support you. You need positive energy right now, not an enervating relationship. And you're definitely NOT worthless so don't even go there. This is more about the situation, not you. Take care of yourself. And treat this as a conversation. If you have more questions ask away. And thanks again for your donation.

• Lori 2013-04-07 16:51:03 said:

  Hey guys, Well this is a bit complicated and loaded but here it goes...S and I have been (were) together for 2 years, he has two daughters and it was long distance but I had basically made the move. In June of last year I was diagnosed with cancer so I was back and forth to home for treatment. Last week I found out it spread, obviously VERY upset I called him and needed to talk, he said he was busy which I understood and he'd call me in a couple of hours, he didnt, so I called him...he had went for lunch with friends, I flipped and maybe even over reacted but to that he shut his phone off for the rest of the day. I left him numerous messages sobbing that I needed him and nothing. So i started talking to one of my guy friends via text, at the end of it I said I love you, I miss you (because we haven't seen each other in years) and can't wait to see you... S came here for Easter and went through my phone and found it and while I was out with our nephews he sent me a text saying I've got the car, I'm leaving, shutting my phone off, im sick of trying my hardest and getting fucked over....ummm wtf?!? That was last week, I haven't talked to him or heard from him, he wont respond to any message or ohone call. after 2 years and planning a wedding it seems strange that a STUPID text message would do this. No.? I don't know if I should beg for him back or move on but I've lost his daughters (12 and 15) who relied on me for everything and a whole life I had out there... What do I do!?!? I have seen a therapist and accepted that maybe the text was inappropriate but to get to this?!? Please help me! I'm feeling pretty worthless and don't know why I'm not worth the fight because I am a catch! Thanks so much guys Lori

• One of the Guys 2013-03-02 05:55:29 said:

  @Tracey.....The two of you are in very different places in your lives. That's the nice way of saying that this is going nowhere. If he was really interested he would have already visited you by now. He's making no effort to do that. He might enjoy chatting with you on the phone, flirting even, but that's a far cry from seeing you. Our suggestion: Spend your time being open to other men. This is just an emotional drain. Sorry. ps. Please be careful what pictures you send via phone, internet.

• Tracey 2013-03-01 22:04:29 said:

  Wow- Great site! I plan to share this with friends for sure! Ok... My situation- It's another long distance thing, which I would normally not consider,but it kinda just happened. Around the holidays I met a man at a friends party. We chatted and hit it off great. I fact after the party, we went out for drinks and continued to talk well into the night....hours! When parting we kissed good night- nothing more. We are the same age (Nearly 40) and I believe there was mutual attraction. We talked about a date the following day....but here is the catch- He was visiting from another state and lives about 5 hours away. He was here with hunting buddies and they decided to leave a day early, so we never did see each other. He called and texted me every day for over a month. Then he invited me to a sporting event that he and a friend were going to (this was a 6 hr drive for me, 7 for them). I agreed to go because it sounded fun and I wanted to see him. I planned to stay with him in the hotel, but a good friend lived in that city, so that was my backup plan in case I decided not to stay with him. Well the trip got cancelled by the friend and we never did meet up. I have offered for him to visit me a few times and he claims he really wants to and mentions it on and off, but says money is tight, or work sched, etc. It has now been nearly 3 months of texts and calls nearly everyday- I try to let him initiate most of the conversation, and he usually does. We laugh, talk for hours and have the same crazy humor- lots of inside jokes and phrases, which I love. We do talk flirtatiously sometimes and most of it is in good humor. He has asked me for 'dirty" pics- but I refuse because I am in a public career. I did however send him a rather modest lingerie shot of my torso only. The concern- I recently went on a cruise and we didn't talk for a week (no cell service). When I returned we picked right up, but after a few days I decided to test this a little- I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He told me he had drink with a woman (and got a bj)- not dating that was it. He didn't ask, but I offered that I also had drinks with a man on the cruise (no BJ- LOL). He then asked me if we were going to stop talking because he had shared this? I said no and asked why he thought that- he said most women would be upset with that. I told him since we are not a couple, that I expected him to do as he chose, I really wasn't upset- I was surprised he was honest. I asked if he wanted to be in a relationship, he said not really at this time. I told him that it was something that I was looking for and that I would continue to look for it. He said he understood. He asked again if this was our last convo, I said only if that's what he wanted. He said No not at all, and that he really enjoys talking to me, and wanted to plan a visit soon. This was 5 days ago and we have talked every night and text thru out the day. I feel we have become really strong friends with a fun, flirty attraction. He has some great qualities- but he is a little immature as he has never been married or had kids. Really doing the bachelor thing- he has even mentioned that he doesn't think he'll ever get married. I am a professional, single mom raising 2 teenagers. Ironically he has had more "long-term" relationships than I have- even living with some a couple of these GF's, so he obviously can commit on some level. My Question.... Is there potential for a Long distance relationship here, beyond the friendship? do I put a time limit on this? on when he plans to visit? I don't really want to keep pushing the issue- but I would really like to see him again, I think a lot could be determined by how we get along in person.It hurts my feelings a little that he hasn't really made a plan for us to meet. I'm willing to be "just" friends but can Guy/girl platonic friendships last if there is attraction & flirting? I don't want a F-buddy thing with him whenever he comes back to hunt and I've hinted to that. I still go out and meet people and date if the opportunity arises, but I'm not really sure what to do with this guy. We have a strong connection on the phone and our personalities are very similar.We also have a few mutual friends, and everyone seems to think he is the greatest, but they are concerned that he hasn't planned a visit. Just don't want to be a fool here. . . he did say he doesn't want a relationship, but I have no idea what he is gaining from this. . .do I wait it out? give a visit deadline? or just stay friends? what do I think? Thanks guys!

• One of the Guys 2013-01-24 11:33:07 said:

  @Mena.......What's your gut telling you? Our opinion: This guy could be anyone. You've never met him right? Who knows who he is, or what he really looks like, or anything. You only know what he's telling you. The fact that you haven't met and it's been a year tells us he's probably not serious, and that what he really wants is to see you naked and get off on that. It sounds like he's conveniently hiding behind his computer.

• Mena 2013-01-23 09:50:52 said:

  Hey, I have a question that i really wanted to ask someone. It is about this guy i met on the internet 1 year ago. We talk every single night and also during the day. He calls me on his lunch break. He is 7 years older then me. He says he likes me and soon is going to visit me from newyork and btw i live in canada. But i am really not sure if he really likes me or just playing with my emotions. He always wants to see me naked and stuff i really dont get this part after all the nice stuff he says. Whenever i call him he calls back whether if its something stupid and also tells me he misses me and stuff. I think he talks to other girls too on the internet. Is he only talking to me as a bootyy call? Is he really intrested or just passing time i am very confuse ??????

• Johanna 2013-01-07 13:09:03 said:

  I've known him for three nearly four months, we met in a coffee shop in the UK while he was on holiday here, visiting a friend, we spent the next two days together after meeting each other. I talk to him at least once a week on any type of Internet call - and just talk, about everything and everything... We text daily, day and night :/

• One of the Guys 2013-01-07 11:24:19 said:

  @Johanna.......We understand but need more info. How did you meet? Have you spent time together face-to-face? How long have you known him?

• Johanna 2013-01-06 19:58:28 said:

  Hey, so I have a friend that lives abroad - he's in US and I'm in the UK - we're both the same age (16) and share a lot of interests and get on really well with him. He's also recently told me that he likes me, to which I told him I felt the same feelings. But now im beginning to wonder if anything would ever work between us because we live so far apart and wouldn't be able to see each other that often - due to school, money, family etc. I would want it to work, and he says likewise, though would it be worth trying?

• One of the Guys 2012-10-13 04:04:52 said:

  @Britt......Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to ignore them? And has he mentioned anything about seeing you again? These texts seem like a way to keep you in a holding pattern. So we're sticking with our initial advice. This situation seems like it's going to take an emotional toll on you, and not give you want you want in the end. That said, you have to do what you have to do. Meaning, you don't want to have any regrets. If you need to keep pursuing this, then you should. But we're not seeing it. Thoughts?

• Britt 2012-10-12 22:42:38 said:

  he texted and told me to chill because some times i just want to get mad. i want to delete him and if he comes back fine, but the little innocent texts he sends.........do i just ignore them

• One of the Guys 2012-10-12 12:29:46 said:

  @Laura....We understand how you're feeling. Truly. It's a lot more difficult for the person who's home than the person who's out exploring the world. But it's way too soon to really know what's going on. And anyway, you broke up temporarily for a reason. Right? So you both could be free to explore. We know you have no intention of doing that—maybe he doesn't either—but the nature of his life right now is exploration. We're not saying he met some other woman, but it's likely he's busy with something new and interesting. So yes, we understand why you're freaking out, but it's too soon to worry. We can't guarantee that he hasn't met someone, but it could be anything. Give him another day and then reach back out to him. But let's ponder worse case scenario right now. What if he met some Spanish girl and they had a fling, but then he came home to you and wanted to resume your relationship? Besides being hard, would you take him back? Because it just seems like that sort of thing happens, and maybe it's a way to get it out of his system. We're just talking out loud right now. What do you think? We're curious.

• Laura 2012-10-12 10:44:05 said:

  So my boyfriend of a year and I decided to take a break while he goes abroad in Spain. The reasoning behind this is because he is very much a homebody and we felt that having relationship ties back home wouldn't be the best for him. However, we've both agreed that since broken up, we're allowed to do as we will with other people. I, though, don't feel like hooking up with other people, and he says he doesn't either, but I'm not sure if I fully believe it.. Though we're "broken up", we've still managed to keep pretty constant contact over the past almost month and a half. We converse like we're still a couple, and I feel like I've gotten used to just being in an unestablished long-distance relationship. Right before he left, he had a break down and told me he loved me, which was a huge deal due to his terrible past relationship, so I know we genuinely care about each other, and we've both agreed we want to be together when he's back. BUT over the past few days, communication has been running dry on his part. In fact we haven't spoken in about a week. I'm very worried about going from full communication to nothing. I still love him and want, like him, to ultimately be together in the end, so I guess I'm freaking out about this a little. What's going through my mind is has he met somebody? Did he hook up with someone and feels guilty? Has he realized I'm holding him back and cut me off cold turkey? I really don't know. I'm hoping I'm just being a girl and overreacting, but I'm wanting a guys perspective. Do you think I have anything to worry about? PS- He's only gone for 2 and a half more months so is it even worth worrying about? or should I just let it go and hope that he calls when he's back..

• One of the Guys 2012-10-12 06:46:35 said:

  @Britt.....We're sorry. We know this is hard AND confusing. Hopefully we can give you some perspective on the situation. Woman often ask us when they meet someone new, if they should call the guy or wait until he calls. We usually say, "Let the guy initiate." This is not about game playing. We say that because when you let the guy make the first move and initiate contact then you'll have a better sense of how strongly he feels. If a woman makes the first move, then it won't be as clear. Why? Because a guy won't turn down fun and sex even if he is unsure how he feels. (A woman probably would though.) So that's why we strongly urge women in general to be patient and let it unfold at the guy's pace. If the guy drags his feet, well, then that's an answer right there: That he's not that into it. This is what we see in your case. You took the initiative, flew out to see him three times, and thought everything was perfect. Probably some of it was, but he wasn't sure inside. We don't know why. (We don't like to guess.) But clearly he was not sure. (And we know this is what drives women crazy.) Because he sure acted like it didn't he? And he didn't have trouble being intimate with you did he? (We're just guessing) And we can understand your confusion. Completely. And we're sorry. It probably feels like a complete 180. And in some ways it is. So here's what we think: You should let him initiate any contact. To us it seems very clear that he's not interested in pursuing this relationship. But if we're wrong, he's going to want to come back on his own terms. We'd give this a few weeks, and if he hasn't contacted you by then, it might be time to move on. Or, you could just move on, and try to learn from this whole situation. We're sure there are lots of guys who are chomping at the bit to get a chance to be with you. You just have to make yourself open to new possibilities. We hope this helps. Do you have any follow up questions for us? Feel free to ask away. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Thanks again for your donation. Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter. Thanks. We appreciate it.

• Britt 2012-10-12 06:15:16 said:

  I tried to get some insight from other posts. I sent a donation. Background: flew across the country for an event met a great guy, totally hit it off, he hunted down my number from a mutual friend. he said he wanted to see each other again, he lived in 2 different cities. i called his bluff and flew to see him immediately, hada great time start to end. flew out there again the next week, great time from the start to the end. met family, and hung out. flew out again for a short 3 day holiday. three weeks wnet by and he flew to meet me. another great 4 days. commitments piled up and one month went by, and we planned to have a weekend together. we talk everyday via phone or text. he always responded, promptly always, it was 24/7. i started feeling wierd adn called him out saying waht is this??? i said im loyal to you. total backfrie right before the visit. we decide to call it quite before i get there. get total cold shoulder. he said we couldnt hang because it was too soon. then calls we and picks me up right after his sport commitment, and i stay the night at his house totally plutonic. hang out the next day, and later at night (he said no kissin). i felt wierd so i asked him to call me a cab (felt wierd because i still like him and we get along), he said your not cabbing im driving you (it was far and rather late). he asked me how i felt, etc and said that today was good just hanging out because we would be friends. and we agreed to keep it toned down, i said i know i live away, but im still gonna kiss you, and we had a great kiss. he was anointment that there was no going back because we already decided that the long distance wouldn't work and wasn't economically. he said i always had good intentions with you, so he made me really confused. i dont agree with either, and would feel better if he just said he didnt like me. we talked for 2 more days, and i just decided this is too hard i need space, and deleted him on bbm. i regretted it and he didn't want me to to that. i texted him that i wanted to re-add him. a day later he responds "in care you didnt notice youu cant add me after deleating me :( meanie". i havent responded. i dont want to open the gate unless it moves forward with a commitment to each other, not serious but that we will agree bf/gf even loosely. should i just wait.......and not respond.......i figure if he is serious he'll eventually just call me (we were good with calling and texting before). there is no point texting and calling everyday again if it means nothing its a waste of energy, and im young in fabulous, but i feel hard for him, and he is a good guy but i think intimidated by my success in life. advice? why

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• One of the Guys 2012-06-19 16:43:42 said:

  @Hafsah......The first thing that comes to mind is he's too old for you. You're only 15 and shouldn't be dating a guy who's 20. Five years may not be a big difference at ages 30 and 35 but honestly, it is now. Check out our video about dating an older guy. Go to our Video Page. After you watch that, let us know if we can answer any more questions.

• Hafsah 2012-06-19 14:15:17 said:

  Basically, we havent met eachother. He lives in AMmerica and he's 20 years old- he looks 16 though? :P Im 15 and live in the UK. We make good effort to talk to eachother in our spare time and he keeps creeping up on the conversation of he likes me but Im scared to let myself like him because I dont know if it will work? But how can he like me? Ive kept my personality back from him! I want him to get to know me better...shall we start over and work from there? Last we talked i said I want to like you and be with you but i know it can never be because you dont feel the same way and you dont see it working. Then he put "then just like me it wont hurt cause i like you too" I dont understand? :/ and yet he admitted he liked another girl too but told me he's not completely attached to her...ANY help would be so much appreciated! Thank you alot! xx

• One of the Guys 2012-06-18 08:01:22 said:

  @Laura.......Well, it's hard to say honestly without knowing specifics, or without knowing the guy personally. Look, if a guy is trying to connect with you that means he's attracted to you, which also means he wants to have sex with you. That's normal for any guy, player or not. The question is, does he want something more? We'd take this slow. And if he does come visit, we wouldn't jump in bed with him right away. We're not sure what he means by "do something?" Does that mean go on a date? Give us a little more info, and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

• Laura 2012-06-17 08:36:31 said:

  I have a quick question. What do you think a guys intentions are in this scenario. I'm a female college athlete. A few months ago I met this olympic male, talked a bit, nothing else. He added me on facebook. Now it's 3 months later, i'm out of a relationship and he begins liking many photos and asks for my number and wants to "do something" when he comes back and trains after the olympic trials the 25 of June. What do you think his intentions are? He just recently ended a relationship too. He's texted me. I'm not easy,do you think he see's any potential or is he's a player just looking for a quick fix?

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